#no motivation to finish things and I keep making myself sad cuz I wish I had ppl to motivate/hype me up and vice versa

[kalloway]

anyone else finding it literally impossible to work on things these days?

I either don’t draw at all, or I do but can’t get far into a drawing before I lose all interest, and it has resulted in October being the most unproductive month I’ve had this year. And last year. And the year before that.

...maybe it’s just the season???

[otometearoom]

I Finished Tsumugu Logic!! Overview/Rant

It took me a month, but I finished the last chapter of the game and got the true ending. I will keep playing to get all of the other bad ends, etc. 

I have so so many feels about this game, y’all. I will be highlighting a few chapters in the game, so if you haven’t finished it. Beware of spoilers!!

[MANY SPOILERS/ENDINGS BELOW]

To recount my feelings throughout the game for each character: 

1. Tsumugu is a cutie pie. I actually really related to him, because I’m also at that point in my life where I have to decide what exactly I want to do for the rest of my life. I just finished university, but I’m still unsure about my career ahahah. So, seeing Tsumugu struggle to figure his life out was refreshing. 

2. “Sosei” is so hot. I laid eyes on him and thought, uh-oh, he’s my new addiction ahahah. I would buy his merchandise if there was any. The dude loves sweets (how cute is that) and he has such a good head for mysteries (my dream man). Plus, he’s a tsundere but really cares about Tsumugu, often giving hints and advice to him. He’s a very trustworthy older brother/senpai. I could gush over how much I love Sosei for ages. His drunken habits -> those are to die for. He becomes so lewd and straightforward. I love it. 

“Koyo”, on the other hand, I didn’t like him as much as Sosei. Which is weird, cause I love ikemen. Maybe I’m just drawn more into the withdrawn, mysterious guys?? I do like the concept of twin brothers though. I have a bit of a dirty mind so when the twins said they shared everything, even their gf, I was like ohohoho, 3p? 

I absolutely enjoyed the twins together though. I love seeing them pretend to be the other. I wish they had more of an appearance lol. I could even say that Sosei and Koyo are a scale higher than Tsumugu for me. I wish the twins were the main protagonists ahahah. No offense Tsumugu. 

I’ll just summarize my first impressions for others real quick: 

3. Kotoko - I thought she was cute, but I never really liked her and couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly why. This feeling will come into play later on. So at first, I was like meh, she’s okay, I guess. But, as I learned more about her, I really didn’t like her character that much. I mean, I wouldn’t say I hated her but I didn’t find her as a good fit for Tsumugu. 

- When she told Tsumugu to be a salesman or whatever. I was like, do you even know Tsumugu? Lmao. I didn’t know if it was just me empathizing with Tsumugu cuz I’ve often been told of what I should be, but no one asks what I want to be. 

- When she didn’t want to help Mirei, I thought how odd, for someone who tries to befriend everyone, she’s not doing so well as a heroine. I mean, it was realistic, at least. But, I think the chapter where she admits that she tries really hard to fit in so others will like her was starting to draw some red flags for me. It made me wonder how much of her was ‘real’. Idk if I’m making any sense though.

- When she swung the knife at Tsumugu, I didn’t hate her as much as I did when she swung the knife at Sosei (who protected Tsumugu) and killed him. I was furious then. 

4. Sally - I admit I was really turned off by the girly lolita style. Mainly because I’m more tomboyish irl. But, she had a good sense of justice so I actually liked her. It did come as a shock to me though that she was the “gorilla” girl that was forced to kiss Nozaki. Tbh, I was kinda sad she died at the end. Like, I know she killed Hikone, but I could understand her motive better than I could understand Kotoko’s motive. Maybe cuz I have an older brother and can’t see myself being a brocon? ahahah. 

5. Toma - In terms of hotness, he comes 2nd right after Sosei. He’s a really good friend. And I absolutely adore how he scares ppl with his glare lol. i love yankees ahaha. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. He’s a very solid character.

6. Daimon - My girl crush. High key curious who she’s arranged to marry because her fiance seems boring. Who takes an hour to choose a handkerchief? Anyways, Im sad that Daimon and Sosei never got to meet because I’m low key shipping them. Idk if they’d click well romantically because they’re so similar, but I would’ve loved for some sort of interaction. They’d make for an epic couple, solving mysteries. I really wanna write a fic for them. 

7. Tsukasa Tsukasa - I didn’t like him because of the cheating and blaming on my poor Toma, but after that, he was okay. Plus, he helped write the Tsumugu’s love letter to Kotoko. Which I find is funny, because Kotoko copied Tsukasa’s writing, thinking it was Tsumugu’s. Ahahah. The lesson here, folks, is that don’t use your own handwriting in love letters, you never know if you’re crush will copy said handwriting into your own suicide letter. 

8. Mirei - that girl can sing. I kinda cried after hearing it cuz I was going through something at the time and it really encouraged me. 

9. Landlady & Hikkimori - Both names that I can’t remember off the top of my head. I think both people are fun. The landlady is super supportive. And the hikkimori refusing to talk with Sosei made for a fun dynamic. I genuinely enjoyed seeing Sosei offended. Nice way to see emotions on my fave character. 

10. Other characters (Rindo, Happy, Travel Club Members) - I genuinely did not care enough about ahahah. I think I even enjoyed seeing some of them murdered, tbh. They were really horrible people in different ways. 

The Black club members headed under Fumi. Like what? How do you control victims to be assailants and live with yourself to be a future kindergarten teacher? Like what? I couldn’t live with myself if I was her. Plus, her disproportionately large boobs were really weirding me out. I can’t believe Yu died all because Fumi wanted to f*ck him. It’s like one day you’re living your best life and someone thinks, ah, I wanna ruin this person. 

Don’t even get me started with Nozaki. That dude is a piece of trash. Human garbage. He knows how it feels to be a victim and yet thinks it’s his right to assault women. I wanted to slap that guy so hard. So many times. He was like the boy who cried wolf. He kept pretending to be dead and eventually died in the hands of Kotoko. XD I wonder what his last thoughts were. To have died in the hands of someone he trusted. 

Hikone was another nutcase. From what I understood, he just saw everyone else as characters in his book. Sure, he didn’t physically harm anyone, but doing nothing and observing is just as much of a crime as committing it. 

Shun. I never really like cutesy guys. But when he turned out to be an ex-pimp plus lover of Fumi, he fell off the likeable scale. 

Yoshimoto being an uncontrollable drunk murderer was the only thing needed to complete the psycho Travel Club members. Tbh, I thought he was the one behind the killings at first ahaha. 

Suguha. I thought she was a tough chick. It was cool to know that she had another motive to get closer to Fumi. Because I thought it was weird how she took her cellphone at the BBQ restaurant. It’s nice to know that SEEC still foreshadows like that. 

[sidneycarter]

ink and cocoa stains

its me, back with part 2 of the love letter au ! part 1 can be read here. i think it would make most sense to read part 1 first, but im sure this could be a standalone if you wish. 

Sid x Sullivan

Pretty PG again

Father Brown finds out why Sid has been feeling so blue. 

Father Brown has noticed the concerned glances Lady Felicia has been throwing at Sid all evening. 

He’s glad he’s not the only one that’s noticed his unusually down mood. 

Under normal circumstances Sid would be dancing along to the wireless, teasing Mrs McCarthy, and wolfing down his Shepherd’s pie. Tonight he’s done nothing more than gaze gloomily at the sugar bowl, prodding lifelessly at his dinner. 

Even now, as everyone has retreated into the snug for a game of Cluedo, Sid had declined the chance to join in. 

“Do you mind if I use the study, Father?” He’d murmured quietly. “I need to... write a letter.” 

Father Brown knew better than to ask, knowing that Sid would volunteer information quite freely when he felt ready. “Of course. There should be paper and pens on the desk. Stamps are in the top left drawer.” 

That had been quite some time ago now. Father Brown has narrowed down his suspects, and he’s almost certain it was Professor Plum with the Candlestick. In which room, however, he isn’t so sure. 

Lady Felicia makes a final accusation, suggesting Professor Plum with the Candlestick in the Billiard’s Room. She’s right of course, and she leans back with a triumphant grin. 

“Ah! Drat.” Father Brown says. He’d been so close, yet so far. 

Mrs McCarthy smiles as she clears away the board. “I wasn’t even close,” She ponders. “Anyone for a hot cocoa?” 

“Oh please Mrs M, that would be wonderful. Victory has exhausted me.” Felicia says, collapsing back against her chair. 

“That would be lovely, Mrs McCarthy,” Father Brown adds. “I shall go and enquire if young Sidney would like some.” 

The study door is fractionally ajar, the fire still crackling low in the hearth. Father Brown pushes the door open gently. “Sid?” 

A smile takes over his face when he spies the reason for Sid’s extended absence. He’s fallen asleep, mouth open and snoring softly, against a pile of books stacked on the desk. 

He’s surrounded by piles of screwed up paper - Father Brown can see the furious lines where things have been crossed out and amended. 

There’s one sheet that’s been kept in somewhat pristine condition on the desk in front of Sid. Father Brown approaches slowly. He knows he shouldn’t be prying, but his inquisitive nature combined with his concern for his friend’s sadness takes over. 

He peers down at the paper over the top of his glasses. 

My Tommy, 

I’ve always thought of you as that, funny as it is. Mine. From the very beginning, if I’m honest. Since that first day you strolled in to Kembleford nick with your fancy tailored suits and your fancy polished shoes and your fancy slicked back hair. Then you told me you were arresting me on suspicion of arson. From that moment, you were my Inspector. The one that I could wind up, the one that I could poke and tease and push and see how long it took you to crack. Something about you caught my attention and I couldn’t look away, couldn’t stop until I got your attention in return. 

Then you started working with the Father more, and we became something like friends. You’d think I shouldn’t have needed your attention any more because a lot of the time I had it. But by then just a little bit of your attention wasn’t enough. I needed it all the time. 

I spiralled if I’m being honest, especially after that time you let me stay for a cup of tea when I fixed the Police Cottage’s plumbing. I had, what, twenty minutes of just me and you, and then I decided that I wanted you all to myself. It’s quite selfish really. 

You see, I’m a simple man, Tommy. 

I don’t do commitment. I’m not one for romance usually. Love ‘em and leave ‘em, that’s what Lady F says. I chat to the girls and I flirt with them and I charm them, but that’s all it is. It’s never meant anything to me. Never meant anything at all. 

You, on the other hand, were a whole new kettle of fish. You made me feel something. Always. Can’t explain it. Don’t know why. Don’t know how it happened. I just know that you got under my skin. 

I think it really hit me, properly, for the first time, when you came to the pictures with me and the Father - that time we went to see House of Wax. It wasn’t even that scary, but you looked TERRIFIED. I knew how I was supposed to feel in that moment. I knew I was supposed to laugh at you, the big, brave Inspector quaking in his boots. But all I could think about sitting there in the dark was reaching out and holding your hand. I wanted to make you feel better, to walk you home safe from the dark, to tuck you up under my arm until your heartbeat slowed down again. 

I don’t know how to write letters like these, you know. I’ve never really had need before. But what I’m trying to say, Tommy, is that I’ve fallen in love with you. 

If I’m being quite honest, I don’t know what the hell to do about it. Sometimes I think you deserve so much better than me, but I can’t bring myself to let you go. Selfish, I know. I can’t see you as anything other than mine. 

You deserve poetry and perfect letters and beautiful things and I won’t be able to give you that. But what I can offer you, if you’ll take it, is me and all of my heart, which has been yours since the beginning. 

I won’t ever be able to explain how I feel for you in words. If I could kiss the life out of you right now I would. But I know you’re mad at me, and I know it’s my fault. If there’s any motivation for being better, it’s you. I’m really trying. 

I hope you understand, Tommy. I hope you do, ‘cuz at this point I don’t think I could live without you. 

I’ll speak to you soon

I love you, 

Your Sidney. 

Father Brown raises his eyebrows as he finishes the letter. He feels a little choked up. 

Sid and the Inspector. 

He’d had his suspicions. There are only so many sly glances, lingering touches and evenings spent together before he would start to presume something. 

The only slightly surprising element here is that Sid appears to have fallen deeply in love. Father Brown traces back the contents of the letter and things about all the times he’s seen them interact. He’s surprised now that he didn’t become certain that this was serious sooner. Certainly from Sid’s point of view. 

He remembers House of Wax. He remembers Sid’s arm lying across the back of Inspector Sullivan’s chair for most of the film. 

And those seconds of eye contact at crime scenes seem to carry much more weight now. 

How wonderful, Father Brown thinks. How lovely it is to experience love. He hopes it works out for them. It almost certainly will, if he has any say in it. Next time they go to the cinema, he shall resolve to sit a few rows forward. He can say his eye sight isn’t what it used to be, and it is true his glasses prescription hasn’t been updated for a while. 

For now, he’ll keep the whole thing quiet. Shan’t tell a soul. Clearly there’s been a bit of an argument, so he’ll wait for Sid and the Inspector to work something out on their own terms. 

Father Brown returns to the doorway and raps his knuckles against the door a couple of times. Sid jerks awake with a startled “’Ullo?” 

There’s a sheet of paper stuck to his cheek which he removes quickly when he sees the Father. 

“Sid, Mrs McCarthy is making some hot cocoa before we retire for the night, and we were wondering if you’d like some?” 

Sid stretches and yawns, looking tired but like a little bit of weight has been lifted from his shoulders. “Yes please.” He says, folding up the letter in front of him and tucking it in to his pocket. 

Father Brown smiles as Sid heaves himself up off his chair. “It’ll be ready in a minute. Join us in the snug when you’re ready.” He says. 

He bows out of the room and heads to the kitchen to tell Mrs McCarthy it’s cocoas all round. A gentle smile plays on his face for the rest of the evening. Sidney Carter, He thinks with a chuckle, the old romantic. 

[murfeelee]

CC Creators Questions

I saw this on my dash and got so excited -- a questionnaire for CC makers! :D

1. What was the hardest project you’ve worked on so far?

Y’all have no bloody clue how many unfinished projects I have given up on, and how much time I spend/waste on CC I never even finish. I often have no idea what I’m doing, and once I reach a certain point where the effing thing just won’t come out right, and I don’t know who to ask for help, or I do and never get a response, I just lose total willpower to keep going.

2. How long have you been creating cc?

2010-ish -- that’s when I first started uploading to TSR at least, ider. Early on it was just simple wall art (an effton of murals) but I kept reading the tutorials at BPS & MTS & TSR, and once I figured that out I started trying out rather craptastic conversions that are still up for DL, if y’all wanna point and laugh at me. :P Effing sad. Some of it turned out pretty okay though, IMO.

3. What’s your most favorite thing you’ve created?

At TSR my favorite CC uploads are the Clutter Bug and LOTR Scribe sets.

The admins gave me such a hard time when I first submitted this, and I had to throw out like half of the objects included in the set, cuz of the effing UV Maps and blah blah. But the rest of it came out cool.

I am constantly using those objects in my lots. Constantly. The LOTR period was also the very first time I learned about making Alpha Channels on .dds textures -- that opened up so many possibilities! Single objects I’m also really proud of over there are the Ivy/Flower Column, and the Vintage Art Collage, which I also use a lot.

At Tumblr this is a lot harder for me to decide on, since after I came here I could do and make so much more than what was allowed at TSR. I think I had the best time converting from The Witcher 3. I effing love that game. But I also think just the process was the easiest for me, cuz I’ve been doing this crap for a while now and finally knew wtf I was doing -- except the CAS stuff. O_O LAAAAAWD! I gave up on that junk quick fast and in a hurry -- NOPE! Not today, Satan! But yeah, I really like some of the stuff I did from that game, like the Peacocks (duh) and everything I shared for my Lupo Bianco gameplay.

4. What’s your most hated thing you’ve created?

Things I hate don’t get uploaded. XD Y’all think I complain about the crap I DO upload -- that’s cuz I’m being honest when I tell y’all that my work has flaws that I don’t know how to fix, or don’t have the energy to work on anymore. Practically all of my CAS CC is a raggedy amateur mess. I hold on to a lot of crap that I just can’t upload in good consciousness, cuz I know how I react when I install others’ CC and I’m using it thinking wtf, did they upload the wrong file by accident? :P

5. What inspires you to create?

When I first started, it was cuz it was still early in TS3, and the game was still pretty empty, and I didn’t have any of the EPs/SPs/Store CC yet, so I was desperate for content. Then once I started converting, and realized that I could extract stuff from other games myself, I immediately knew that I wanted to recreate my favorite games in TS3. I’m inspired by the fandoms I’m part of, and  my style of simming mostly revolves around me trying to create my own extended version of other games and shows I like.

6. What gets you unmotivated to do anything or to delete your project?

Failure. When things start going wrong, I quickly get frustrated and lose patience. I post WIPs sometimes that I don’t even end up revisiting. I just can’t fix the crap, so I rapidly lose the energy or desire or interest in the entire project. I often blame it on laziness, when really I just give up.  :\

7. What’s one thing you wish you knew how to do/do better?

I generally just stick to what I know and am comfortable with, which is why y’all don’t see me making build mode stuff, or much functional buy mode cc, or mods/scripts, or creating skintones or poses, or any of the cool stuff I’d love to make but just can’t figure out for the life of me. U_U

8. How long does it usually take you to make something?

Depends on the project, and my motivation to see it to the end. Some stuff will sit on the back-burner for literal years before I finally go back to it. I’ll tell myself I’ll work on it later. Lies, mostly. ^_^

9. Is there a certain schedule you stick to when publishing?

Unless there’s a certain holiday/event going on, where the CC needs to be finished now! now! now! (Halloween & Lunar New Year are my busiest times), I just do what I want. I get so distracted, and often I’m working on a zillion things at once. Sometimes I’m running on pure adrenaline and not sleeping, to make sure I finish the CC on time. I feel bad if I miss something going on that I could’ve participated in, but most times I just tell y’all the CC’s still in beta, and it’ll be ready when it’s ready. :P

10. Your favorite programs to work with?

Crazy as it sounds, Milkshape. :P I effing hate Blender. I don’t understand it -- there are too many buttons and controls and everything’s just a confusing mess. 3DS Max is easier for me! O_O I legit can’t even figure out the frikkin view/camera in Blender! And you constantly have to switch between modes, and everything’s buried under all those effing THINGS on the sides, and I can’t stand it. >_<

11. Who do you look up to (creator wise)?

For CC in general, I worship Sandy/AroundTheSims; always have. Everything they make is just so clean and professional and works splendidly in game. Jelly.

12. How many projects do you have at the moment?

An ungodly number, half of which will no doubt be abandoned before y’all even get the chance to hear about them. :P

13. Screenshot your wips folder (if you have one)

Cute of you to assume I have just one WIPs folder, in one fixed location. XD

That’s what my backup’s thematic specific folder looks like, but that’s not where I keep any of my other game conversions WIPs -- those are all over the place. I’ve had to restart several projects after my external harddrive broke, and now especially I’m keeping everything in different locations and on different drives.

14. Do you plan on creating for a long time or is there a certain period you know you’ll stop?

Dunno if I’ll ever stop, but I know I’m slowing down; I have been for a while now. I’m tired. I hate making CC. It’s stressful, exhausting, time-consuming, and no dang fun, especially when crap is going oh so wrong and you have to keep quitting the game, doing crap over, loading the game, seeing if it’s fixed, and trying not to cry when it’s not. I do this crap out of desperation, when there’s something in particular that I want that I can't find a good substitute for in the game or community at large. So as long as I’m still simming, I know I’m gonna keep being forced by necessity to make crap. But I doubt I’ll ever go back to the workhorse nonsense I was up to in like 2015/6 or whenever my “heyday” was, when I was still experimenting like mad and learning everything.

15. What helps you keep focus during your creating process?

I play a lot of music, that fits the theme of the CC I'm working on, or is lifting my spirits at the time. I can’t work in silence. IDKY, it just makes me bored and tired.

I tag all y’all who ever made anything for us poor unfortunate souls!

[sssoto]

Creator’s update #1

Hey guys! So I’ve decided to start actually blogging on this blog and tell a bit about the various things I’m working on, share WIPs, music I’ve been digging recently etc. I realise that I rarely post anything, so it seems like I’m super inactive - which is totally not true, I just have so much stuff going on and take a long time to finish things, and I’m also pretty picky about what I put up online lol! For the sake of keeping those of you interested in the loop, I’m gonna start this series of creator’s updates in which I’ll update y’all on the progress I’ve made on my various creative projects. The goal is to give an update a few times a month (hopefully lol)!

This past while I’ve been super inactive in the writing department, but very much productive in the art department, so my writing update will be mostly a summary of what I’ve been doing the past few years up until this point.

Mood: Feelin’ real good cuz my parents finally brought my comfy double bed over from my mum’s place this past weekend, which means no more sleeping on the couch yaaaaaas.

Music I’ve been digging recently:

Skye Sweetnam - Boyhunter So, the other day I randomly listened to this song on my way home from work, and I totally realised that Skye Sweetnam is the perfect voice for my character Caitlyn, and this song totally embodies what Caitlyn is all about lmaoooo. (The song isn’t very accurate to the time period Caitlyn lives in, but it’s super accurate to her character essence and personality, and I just find that so lit hahahah) 

Fallulah - Out of It This song is basically my MC’s theme song?? It’s performed by a Danish artist and was super popular in Denmark a few years back as it was the theme tune to a Danish tv show (a show I loved!). The lyrics are just so Daniel, it’s not even funny. It mostly fits his mental state at the beginning of Renaissance.

Girl’s Day - Love Again Ugh I just love the tune of this song so much, I can’t really place my finger on it, the emotion is just so great. I love the guitar riff especially, and Girl’s Day is a four member girl group, so it’s one of those songs where I can imagine my main girls Annaliese, Caitlyn, Mary and Serena singing as each member lmao.

Nine Muses - Remember Another four member group now, this song is also one where I can imagine my main girls singing each member’s part lmao, and having that aspect to a song always makes it a little better for me! Forreal tho, this new release from Nine Muses slays, and we all know it. The music video haunts me.

Sistar - Lonely This song makes me sad and happy all at once, cuz I’m not ready to say goodbye to Sistar, but at the same time this ending is probably the best one any fan could’ve wished for because there was no drama or anger, just well wishes and hope for the future. I know these girls will go far, and this song just pulls at all my heart strings man. The melody of the bridge and chorus, Dasom and Soyu’s parts in particular, really works for me. And yeah, Sistar has four members too, and once again I can picture my main girls singing as each member lmao. It’s a thing I have, okay?

Moana OST - We Know The Way + Know Who You Are I recently watched this movie, and while I sorta felt like the plot was a bit rushed and tropey in many ways, I totally adored the visuals and the MUSIC OMG. These two songs are my favourite, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s vocals never miss, and Auli’i Cravalho’s high note is gorgeous! Also dat choir in the background tho, and in context with the movie scene that song just makes me irrationally emotional mkay. (That ending was the best twist ever, it definitely lifted the story up a notch for me!)

Writing

So I’m writing a book! You might have seen me mention it a few times already on here, but I’ve not really shared much insight into my process or what sort of book this actually is (other than talking about characters here and there), and as I’ve not been making huge progress lately (I’m in an art state of mind duuuh), I thought that I’d keep this section short and sweet, with a bit of an introduction into what my book project is all about.

I call it a book project because I don’t feel comfortable just calling it a book when I don’t have rights to publish. Technically my book is a fanfiction based on the horror video game Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and as such I don’t own copyright of the small percentage of my story that features the canon elements. However, I take this as seriously as anyone else would writing their own book, because I’ve poured my entire heart and soul into it, and the vast majority of the content (plot, characters and world) is my original creation. It’s my own little big project lol!

You might be familiar with the game, and even if you aren’t, that’s not a prerequisite for reading my book since everything is introduced and set up just as in any regular book. The protagonist is an Englishman named Daniel, and we know little of his past through the game. I won’t go into too much detail on what the game is about (if you really wanna know, you can look it up), but the point of my book is to explore the protagonist’s life from his childhood up to the events of the game and beyond, and afterwards connect his story to the game sequels featuring other protagonists within the same universe. It’s a bit complex and elaborate, which is just the way I like it!

As the games are set at various points during the Victorian era (game #1 is set in Prussia 1839, game #2 is set in France 1858, and game #3 is set in England 1899), you can probably guess that the entire thing will be pretty long. That’s why I’m making it a series! I have at least seven books planned so far (though there’ll definitely be more, since I’m not near the end of the timeline I need to cover yet), and I currently have the first book written and am writing the sequel - however, the first book will need a complete rewrite once I’m finished with book #2, because I’ve since developed and changed a lot of stuff, and I have many new interesting ideas for a more fleshed out version of the first book. Still, the fanfic version is available online, so if you’d like to read it, you can find it here. You’ll get a pretty good idea of the general story and the characters, but keep in mind that it’s super outdated and will be very different after my rewrite!

For reference, this is the list of books that I’ve planned (and titled) so far, so you can keep up with what book of my series I’m talking about at any given point:

I - Amnesia: Memoirs

II - Amnesia: Renaissance

III - Amnesia: Voyage

IV - Amnesia: Noir

V - Amnesia: Encore

VI - Amnesia: Rogue

So what I’m doing right now with this project is revisions. Uuuuggghhhhh. Yes, that’s right, I’m stuck in revision hell. I’ve not even finished the first draft of Renaissance yet (I know, sacrilege, writing blasphemy, don’t start your damn edits until you’ve finished your draft dumbass), but I had some pretty major changes to make, changes so big that it would be a waste of time and effort to go on drafting without implementing them first. Mainly the changes are surrounding 1) a change of ages of my main cast (I aged many characters up a few years), and 2) changing and figuring out the specifics of the illness which my MC’s sister, Hazel, is afflicted with. She’s not such a major character in Renaissance, but she plays a big role in Memoirs, and since I had all these new ideas for the rewrite of that, I wanted to implement the ripple effects in the second book so it wouldn’t be too much of a hassle to edit later when Renaissance is a finished 3-400k first draft lmao (I have a lot of words okay?). These changes mostly affect the early chapters of my book - chapters I wrote about three years ago, which means that these early chapters really need a face-lift. In addition to the age and illness change, I wanna revise the first five chapters by cutting the fluff and tightening up the beginning so we get to the action a tiny bit faster. Adding to the fact that these early chapters are three years old, the prose also needs an almost complete rewrite. So long story short, all of the edits are taking a long ass time, and I’m not having a good time lmao. Doesn’t help that I had to stop drafting right at one of the juiciest scenes in my book?!?!? (that’s a lie, it gets juicier, but I was just getting to the real good stuff yanno?)

(Side note: for someone who said that I’d keep this short, it sure turned out long lmao. I just have too many damn words.)

Chapters edited: 2/16 (working on 3 right now and it’s an effin’ pain)

Current total word count: 120,591

Current total chapter count: 17 (the number will go down to 16 once I finish the revisions, as I’m merging two chapters)

Look at all the dumb shit I still have to edit for chapter 3. Look at it.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Art

Man, I’ve been doing a lot of artwork recently, and by a lot, I don’t mean that I’ve finished any.

I think I’ve been focused on developing my actual drawing skills rather than making finished illustrations, because I’ve been so overwhelmed with inspiration and I’ve wanted to try out drawing a bunch of different motives, so my mind is on a lot of different art projects at once, and I’m making baby steps of progress on each of them because I just wanna do everything lmao. I should probably take a step back and settle on one thing at a time, but at the same time, I feel like this is working for me because I’m so inspired and motivated and super excited for every single art piece; I don’t feel myself losing interest in any of them, in fact I just feel like my switching between different artworks keeps every piece fresh and interesting for me, yanno?

So here’s one thing that I’ve been slowly chipping away at for the past few months. I’m drawing a full body group picture of my main cast from Renaissance!

I’ve drawn the anatomy sketches of all the male characters (though I’m debating whether I should add some others), and now I’m adding the female characters one by one, so these are not all of the characters yet. But man, I just love seeing the characters side by side? The variety in their body language, body types and heights is just so interesting to look at, and it’ll be even better once I get around to actually adding their facial features, expressions, hair, attire, and then colouring them as well omg! I’m a sucker for this kind of thing, blame it on @juliajm15 and her amazing diverse character designs.

It’s gonna be a huge picture with a lot of characters, and I’m stoked for it!! This is a piece which I hope I’ll be able to show ya’ll the progress of bit by bit in every few updates. (also, if you feel somewhat familiar with some of my characters, you’re welcome to make guesses at who’s who (; )

Another project I’m working on is making official character portraits of my main cast (and possibly minor characters as well). I just think it’s nice to have official portraits as reference for anyone who’d like to see what the characters look like, and also for myself for whenever I need to refresh the specific features and expression of each character. It’s just a nice thing that satiates my very Type A personality lmao!

So the characters above are Owen Wright (to the left) , Daniel’s puppy bff with the fluffy hair, and then from left to right I’m colouring the portraits of the Armstrong siblings: Caleb, Caitlyn and Tristan. Their dad is a duke! n.n Caleb is the oldest, Caitlyn the youngest, and Tristan is the bland middle child. He’s a little brat LOL but I still love him.

Also, due to this glorious reference I found, I finally figured out how to draw Daniel. Bless this model, I never knew I wanted Daniel to have big puffy lips, but apparently I do.

He looks actually nice now? Which is nice? I’m amazed. Also his hair? I can never draw his hair, but this looks nice so yay? Also, I dunno why I never draw clothes on him, I guess I’m just lazy lol, but he’s gonna need to wear clothes for the official character portrait soooo... That’s a thing I’m gonna have to do.

Now that I’ve figured out his features, it’s gonna be fun to remodel all his family members accordingly. I sense that he’ll have gotten those cute puffy lips from his mum meheheheh.

I also did some Disney fanart of my two favourite Disney ladies; Esmeralda and Kida <3

I actually never really draw fanart any more, it’s been yeeeaaaars since I did, and when I used to do it, I was always very particular about staying as true to the original art style as possible. But now that I’ve spent the past couple years focusing on developing my own art style, I actually decided not to care about that so much and just draw the characters the way I’m used to drawing my own, and lo and behold - it looks pretty accurate to the Disney style?? I assumed that the characters would end up looking very different, but other than the eyes being smaller I feel like they look the exact same lmao. It’s interesting to me, because even when I used to do fanart, I usually did so of Japanese art and manga, not of Disney or any other western art. Also, I don’t consider my own style very Disney, but it pleases me a lot that the characters look so much like themselves even in my art style! The most important thing to me is to capture the essence of the character anyway, so any fan can recognise the character they love so much n.n

So that’s about it for this round! I’ve been working on other things as well, but I’d rather not disclose them to the public just yet - perhaps later, when I’ve made more progress, or (gasp!) actually finished something!! Bahahah, with the many things I’m working on, hell will freeze over before that day comes. *cries*

Youtube

I’m adding this Youtube section because, in addition to writing and doing artwork, I also like to record vocal covers (mainly of kpop songs, but I’ll do anything I’m in the mood for at any given point), aaaaand as of today I'm gonna be uploading speedpaints as well! Which is probably good since I don’t upload my covers nearly as often as I finish them lmao.

I’ve not uploaded any new covers recently (though I really should, I do have some covers lying around on my laptop mwerp), but I’m gonna list a couple of my favourite covers I have on my channel here so you can take a listen if you’d like!

And today I uploaded my very first speedpaint to my channel, so check that out if you’re interested in that sort of stuff! It’s the process of my Christmas portrait piece for Serena. I aim to be more consistent with uploads since I have a few unedited recordings lying around, so keep an eye out for that!

If you’ve read this far, thank you for sticking around and taking a look at my work, even if it’s only in WIP form. I wanted to start doing these updates because I’ve been watching my friends do them for a long time, and I always love reading their writing updates; they motivate me so much to get working on my own stuff, and I just wanna be able to perhaps do something similar for anyone else who’s watching me out there. So thank you sincerely to @coffeeandcalligraphy, @sarahkelsiwrites and @shaelinwrites for sharing your process with the world and being such an inspiration to me and many others, I love seeing you all make progress on your own projects <3

So that was all for this round, I hope you guys enjoyed a little sneak peek into what I’ve been working on! Until next time, folks!

[ondownthemountain]

Been a year

Kinda wanna write about this in a non-urgent way.

I’ve been home for the summer, and it’s been nice. I get to do so much stand-up and practice so much martial arts with my oldest friends. I eat burritos and hug my grandparents and went rafting and watched a meteor shower with my brothers.

And when I feel motivated I go for a run. I did it a few times this summer. I feel like if I don’t watch it I’ll “get fat.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I wanna stay lean.

Anyway.

Being home is hard. Not just because there’s no privacy, because I worry I’m the only one who cares about maintaining my oldest friendships, because my mom is raging and rude and my dad is a jello cup of shame. All that is tough, but it’s always tough. 

What’s really hard, what hits me like a dump truck, what makes my ears hot and my lungs as tight and empty as a crushed up bottle of water, are the memories.

Memories of my ex. First love.

I don’t want to be with her, first off. Let’s get that out of the way. Being with her would mean letting go of a lot of stuff we’ve both worked really hard to build.

Doesn’t mean I don’t remember her, though. And last year, when I was living here, we... crossed paths... just for a few months. And it was surreal, it was a tornado, and it didn’t end on good terms. 

And for months, even as I was faraway in Boston, the guilt would come up and squeeze me, and I wouldn’t be able to smell, or see, or breathe, and I’d black out, or fall asleep, or need to squinch shut my eyes and count and think and do something. Like picture my little brother, when he was a fat baby, gurgling in the bath. Something like that. Pure, you know? To bring me back.

Anyway. Being here is tough because the last time I was here... she was my world. I haven’t lived here and not had her be, you know, it. My lens, my friend, my hope. Literally, not since like, 2009. 

It’s exhausting. I love my hometown so much and I wanna be able to walk around and see it unvarnished by my love for her. But instead of My High School, it’s The Old C Building Stairwell Where We Cuddled and I Skipped Track. Instead of Nations, chill late nite burger joint, it’s Diner Where Her Dad Took Me to Eat Pie and Talk Politics While She Sulked, Where She Hugged Me Just Last Year.

My mom always lashes out at me, tongue dripping venom, when I come home. 

“Why do you want to come home? To see your brothers? Your friends? I’m reeeaally worried that they’re holding you back.”

And I tell her that is my reason-- which is true-- and that they could never hold me back-- which is true-- but that’s not the full truth. Because half the reason I’m so insistent on coming back is to normalize the place I’m from, the place I love. So I live here, and it’s my life, free and independent and replete with memories that do not. revolve. around. her.

So anyway. I’ve been running.

I ran from my house up to Panoramic couple weeks ago. Pretty far, and I fuckin did it. And it was easy til I started to crest the hill.

Because I rounded the first bend and could hear her teasing me as we drove down it in 2012. I could smell the weed on her breath as she, chill as fuck, drove us down around that tight curve in 2011.

And I muscle past that bend, and the next, and then on the long brown grey stretch before the next big hill I remember driving, just last year, my right hand clenching hers, as neither of us looked at each other and she talked slow and even and told me about the bad things that happened to her in college, when she was away, when we weren’t talking.

And it hits, not just the memory but the shame. I should’ve pulled over and hugged her. I should’ve listened harder. I should’ve left, then and there, knowing I’d just hurt her again. Should’ve done anything but keep driving, holding her hand.

The red-hand of that shame, raspy and rough, claws at my larynx. Doesn’t make cresting this hill any easier. But I push on, on and up, thinking if maybe I can see the violets and agave plants of the hillcrest, the ones I took a picture of my girlfriend in front of just last month, I’ll be here, in the new memories--

But no dice. Instead it’s me and her, sitting just on the other side of the railing, in the dead straw grass, smoking. Me angry, her sad. 2 days before we go back to college. And break up for the final time. 

And she turns her head sideways, and looks at me with her little slit eyes, and exhales out the thinnest stream of smoke. I’m cold, I have my plaid-shirt’s sleeves rolled down and buttoned, but again, she’s chill as fuck, and she looks and gulps and pauses and says--

“You look really cute with your sleeves rolled down. I can’t believe I never knew that. You always rolled em up. But you look so cute with your sleeves rolled down.”

Back here in 2017 I’m hacking and coughing. That weedsmoke. Shit. 

I run harder now, harder even though I’m tired, down the side of the hillcrest to the big rock. Think about my girlfriend-- my current one-- and my best friends sitting here, planning jokes and feeling free. I have to think about it. Have to, as I cradle my hot head and cough up phlegm. That’ll keep me here.

                                                                   *

That run was rough. Didn’t try to run anything in the hills again til today. 

I knew I needed to work off the soreness from rafting and knew I wanted to feel fast, feel free-- also knew that I needed a hill to really get that feeling. Like back in high school, when I ran with Eugenio. I saw him last night. He said I was the best friend he ever had. Smartest guy, too.

Yeah, that’s right. Fuck it. I’m gonna run a hill. Like he and I used to, together.

But I know what it means. The only hill to run, the only route I know that’ll let me make it to work in time to finish this memo, is Indian Rock.

Indian Rock. Where we first kissed.

Yes, I’d kissed another girl up there before her, and yes I kissed like 3 girls there after and yes it’s just a rock, but... it still feels like hers. Sometimes. She used to live right next to it, you know. Sometimes in high school I’d run that route and just bump into her. Sometimes I ran it on purpose. Knowing, just knowing, she’d be out walking and I’d see her.

I know I won’t now, though. She moved, and probably avoids that place anyway. Her friends aren’t really the pipe-n-burrito type anymore and she probably just has bad memories of me there anyway. Still, though. I’m kinda scared I’ll see her.

Fuck it, though. I’m gonna run it.

And I lace up my shoes and go--

and it’s instant. Boom, my old house, where we had our first time. Boom, the school, where she refused to show me her stories and I showed her mine. Boom, the park she met me in one night, warm, in january, and I, unbothered for once, dozed off up on a tree branch like an ocelot, waiting for her.

Boom, the corner she left me on with our first public kiss-- good luck-- before I ran off to rehearsal for some silent play where I played a rabbit. Boom, the street we walked-- walked up to her house. And the one time where we walked on different streets, parallel, and I beat her to her house and she called me, angry, cuz she was still a few blocks back, waiting where I forgot I’d said I’d meet her.

You see what I mean? It’s exhausting. Relentless. Every crunch of grass, every smooth slap of my feet against the deep black pavement reminds me, in a rhythm-- you fucked up. you fucked up. you fucked up. you hurt her, hurt her, hurt her. Weak, weak, weak.

And I try to steady myself. Focus on my form. Remember the track team trading jabs, the seniors teasing me, as I struggled to keep up on this route, to even make it halfway to the rock. Remember my coach telling me the middle of the street was actually a softer impact than the sidewalk. Remember picking my little brother, the gurgly one, from school-- his elementary is on this street.

But like one of those insistent radio stations that follows you, even after you cross county lines, she came back. Cuz I remember how fast I’d tear up this trail to get to her house, and how fast I’d tear down from her place once I realized I was late for my brother, for practice, for something. 

Remember being so cut, nine pack abs and bleeding all the time from my own brittle skin, my pimples on my chest, her nails on my back, remember never feeling tired and always feeling ready and showing up at her place sweaty and licking each other clean and man I had never felt so alive! And when you’re a law student, and you’re always sleepy, and you’re outta shape, man oh man is it tough to feel that alive.

But I keep running, dude, cuz I’m gonna feel alive. Alive alive, on my terms, alive. Believe it.

A right, a left, and there it is; the tunnel, and the giant stone stairs.

I hit the stairs like a bullet, like some kinda bug. Scuttle up em, fast. And now I’m smiling cuz I remember taking Robert and Mateo up here and showing them just how fast I was, after one semester on the team. Remember them getting tired and stopping on these steps. Remember how they convinced me to pee off em. We tagged every bus that came out the tunnel.

And then, the traffic circle. If I make the first right, I’ll end up at her old house.

It’s my first time up here in a long, long time.

And being up here I kinda start thinking. Bout how we said we’d always love each other. How we’d carry each other inside.

This is the intersection where Eugenio had to carry me home, crying, when she wouldn’t say bye to me before leaving to college. The intersection where, a year later, her dad paid me n my boys to help them move, and his old red truck stalled in the intersection, and he said “Oops!” in a way that made everyone crack up and just, like magic, started that shit up again.

I’m remembering all these memories and I’m like, dude. I don’t hate her.

I always knew but never said. This time I said it, tasting the dried salt on my lips from running, from sweating. 

Hm.

Why do all these memories sting me? Slice into me, slice in a way that makes me wish some assassin, some riptide blade, would actually come slice me in those some places, those same ways, to deaden the pain?

Cuz I hurt her. Cuz I know she hates me. Cuz I know she wants nothing to do with me ever again. 

Right? I insisted she love me and when she finally tried to I discarded her love. Over. and over. again. 

That’s it. That’s only why it hurts. Not because she hurt me. Cuz she did. She did. She lied and kept secrets and kept me a secret and, and... it never changed a thing. At least about what I felt for her.

And I jog along, and cut in front of some green van, and it’s like, hm. She stabbed me a hundred times and all I can think about is the hundred times I stabbed her. Hm.

I run and run and run, up the hill to Indian Rock.

I love this run, dude. Even before I knew she lived up here, I loved it. The slope, it’s so strong. Gradual, graceful, challenging but good. I loved it. Come to think of it, I think that’s what made it so special, when I finally learned where she lived. Cuz I already loved the run.

Something about the air, the smell of eucalyptus, the dark grey clouds and the mist just fill me up and I realize.

She doesn’t hate me.

She might’ve lied about a couple things but she never lied about how she felt about me. She refused to tell me she loved me til she meant it. And then she did mean it. And when she said always she meant it. And when she said no more, it’s too much, she meant it. And I did too. I did too.

I get to the rock. It’s beautiful. Towering and jagged and grey, and I climb it. Pick my way up dainty, taking the narrow ways, the ways only kids can fit. 

And I hop and jump and get to the top. And there’s a ton of fog but way far away, by just its belly, I see the Golden Gate Bridge.

Yeah. Yeah, we had some firsts up here. 

So did a lot of kids.

Looking down the slope of the rock I see some cans. An empty case of Bud. I shuffle down the rock, grab the cardboard case, and make my way about the rock, picking up all the loose cans. It’s only about four.

Then I climb down the rock, the way I came. Check the secret cave underneath, pick up one more can and a swisher wrapper. 

I go to the garbage can and dump it. There’s in’n’out in the garbage can. Makes me smile. The closest in’n’out is miles away. That means some kids really knew that they wanted for a perfect night. Those burgers, those shakes, and this view. Must’ve been nice. 

For real. It makes me grin. Teeth and everything.

I turn and run downhill.

After a while, running became about her. It started off as a way to show how good I was. How fast and in control. And then, for a sweet spot in the middle, it was brotherhood, and connection to my town, and nature. And then after her, through her, it became about being primal. About pushing my limits and craving red meat.

I used to love to run to her place. I loved running everywhere. Running like that meant I was burning fat away, clean, and shredding up my abs and my whole body so that I was ready to be held, to be washed.

Running, running to her, meant being and becoming strong for her, meant never tiring, never getting sore.

And my feet swirl over and over like a bicycle, like my friend’s hands when he practices wing chun, like two trout. I roll down the hill.

And it makes me smile because running still means the same thing. Running here, running through the same old memories... it’s still being strong. It’s still loving her, by being strong.

But this time, I’m not running to her, like she wanted. I’m running forward, like she wants. Like I want. Like everyone who loves me wants. I run up here, and I run back, and it means being strong, strong as I always was, and it mean running forward, finding something new.

I run up and I feel her and I run back and I feel her  like sweat flying off my brow behind me as I run and I feel nothing, hold nothing, carry nothing. I’m running forward and I’m being and learning and staying strong. For me. For everyone. 

[whatevenis2016-blog]

I just want my life to be different lol

I've been trying to find a new job bc I am so sick of my current job. It seems like my boss has no respect for me, bc it's a small business I don't even make minimum wage, I have to work every weekend and get a huge amount of shit if I want a weekend off (like once a year I ask), I'm a trainer so I always work with shitty new people and my boss doesn't even appreciate all the crap I have to deal with, it's food service which I obviously don't want to do forever or even much longer bc fuck that, I've worked there for almost 3 years which is way too long at a job like this. I want a different job that pays more, where I only have to work Monday through Friday, and work morning through early afternoon. At least until I go back to school in the fall. But like there only like 2 people left a work that I even like working with. So it's just a bunch of little thing that are all piling up until I hate work. And my coworker is also trying to find another job but she's afraid that if she gets a new it'll be worse than our current one. But idk maybe she feels that way but I don't think there could be a job that I like less than my current situation. Bc even if the job kind of suck, the pay will still be good, the hours will still be good. Ya know? I think it'll be fine, I just need out, I don't even care. I also hate school and don't want to go back. Like I'm regretting my whole school plan. Going straight from high school into college, first bad move. I should have taken a break bc now I feel like I'm dying. Going to a 4 years school instead of a 2 year, second bad move. I wish I had just gone to a 2 year school, got a degree in business and I would be done by now, like holy shit. I'm currently going to school for Studio Arts which I know is stupid. Who gets an art degree? Retards. That's who. But my "emphasis" is Graphic Design. So like obviously not as bad as like a painter, cuz then I would really be screwed in the employment department. But like the thing is, I don't really like Graphic Design? Okay maybe that's not right... It's more like I don't think I would like other people telling me how to make "art" for my job..? Cuz I wouldn't be able to make things I like, or do things my way bc it will be for someone else. Ya know? So I feel like I would either hate doing it, or my clients who hate my work. So like I'm feeling like I'm going to minor in Business like a smart person. I'm gonna go ham on that and then just finish my major up but really focus on my minor. Like I really just want to get a normal "desk job" tbh, work Monday through Friday. I feel like most people would hate that, or be their worst case scenario but I would be so down for that. Do the same thing everyday, have every afternoon and weekend off? Sounds great. And then in my spare time I can do all the things I actually enjoy. And I could possibly do some freelance graphic design in my spare time. But I really don't think I want to try and make a living out of that. Or I could try my hand in greeting cards and stuff cuz there's quite a bit of money in that market. I also want my appearance to be different. I don't like my current hair colour and I don't really have the time or money to do anything with it. I also chopped all my hair off over a year ago and I've finally decided to grow it out. But it's very short so it will take an insane amount of time to grow back. And it's at like an awkward length and I don't like the way it looks but the catch is, if I cut it to make it look better I would be losing length. In the long run in that worth it? Probs not. So I'm just kind of dealing with hair that I over all don't like. But once it gets to a decent length and I have money I'm gonna get extensions again. And my hair will look nice and I'll be happy. I've also gotten very lazy with my makeup which also makes me sad bc I don't feel that great about myself. I also want to buy all new cloths (bc I'm a girl and that's what we do) but I'm broke for 2 reasons, one bc I don't get payed enough at work and 2 bc my dad hasn't been working since he's had surgery. So I've been trying to save as much money as possible to we can, you know, live? And stay in our house? So in essence meaning not really having money for makeup or hair stuff or a lot of other stuff. Actually my work shoes are so fucked rn and people literally make fun of me but you know what? Fuck them. I don't have money to be buying a pear or shoes just for work? Plus I hate my job so that also adds to me not buying shoes for there. I also really want to get fake nails bc I love them. They look so nice and they make me feel good but again no money. Plus I fractured my finger a while ago and lost a finger nail. Sooo if I did get fake nails I would just be missing one nail lmao. When I finally have money one of the first things I'm going to do is buy a desktop computer. But it's gonna be crazy experience, I already know. Bc I want at least 2 monitors. One for graphic design (school and freelance) I think it will really help me get better bc I'll be able to work on stuff outside of school. It I'll be a touch screen and be adjustable. In addition to the monitor for graphic design I will need all the software. Then a second more standard monitor. I want both Windows and Mac on both monitors. I want to be able to game using both monitors. I want them to be able to use them individually and also simultaneously. Eventually I want to get all the stuff I need to live stream, so webcam, mics, headset, speakers. But like idk what I want to do first... Cuz I really want the set up to game.but I should probably get the graphic design stuff first... Or the other option would be to get the gaming monitor and cpu, then get both Windows and Mac and then get a drawing tablet thing instead of a touch screen monitor? Maybe probably. That would probably be the less expensive route.. and then just using external hard drives probably to keep my gaming and graphic design stuff separate. I also want to draw more and be better at drawing. But like I never have any motivation or inspiration to draw and or don't have time to do it. But maybe if I get the computer set up that I want, that will help with motivation. And if my work doesn't suck that much maybe I could sell my works online? That would be cool. I also want to get back into jewelry making and that's something else I could potentially sell which would be cool. Overall: No fucking idea. Like nothing about my life is how I want it to be except for my friends. I have awesome friends and a great boyfriend. But like I never get to see them bc of work and my dad stuff so even that sucks. But I have a plan. I know what I want, I just have to get there. I'll get there. Someday The thing is I know I can get to where I want eventually but like I don't want to be that old when it happens. Like it would suck to not be able to do all the fun things I want to do when I'm young bc I just can't bc of money or shitty jobs or school or so on. And like better late than never? Idk idk I don't know how I feel about all this. I just want to be happy

[alwaysbesassy]

uuurgh i am sorry, i know i bother you a lot... Ugh its just that i dont have no one else to talk about these things and it makes me really sad and.. I am already facing the hardest time in my life, emotionally... I am a mess rn, and all this eruri drama is killing me so much since the chapter 84 if it wasnt for "the answer book" i'd probably would burn or throw away all my snk merch (i know this is childish) i'd probably would do something worse... and here we go spoiler week aka worst week

and i am so afraid i’ve even saw people commenting about the editor-kun that he was drunk or something but i’ve seen no img (and i use 2 rely a lot on editor-kun and now i am feeling even worse!) i am so scared and i am already having panic attacks even feeling phisical pain? it’s just stressful… idk i swear if lev0 take a fkin oc path i don’t know what i will do, for me it hurts a lot… not having  erwin anymore.. but i know that erwin was levis most important person, so my only hope in lifeis that levi will die with memories about erwin and something involvin erwin (i am sorry about my english rn i cant even think right) i don’t wanna levi alive in this circus i hate so much how this is going omg… but my point is i wanna levi to die (i wish it was soon but i will be realistic) and his memoris/motivations/heart always on erwin like it always was… I am afraid about the furute, i don’t know what i will do to myself… and sorry again for bothering youlast ask i promise, and i again hided all of my snk merch cuz i cant even look u know? i swear for everything in this world erwin and levi are the only thing that makes me happy and… i know they are real I KNOW (yaaams basically said it himself in answers and the original VAs and the freakin editor and all the other things) i just don’t wanna… see everything fade away like it was nothing, because it was everything… they are real, and i am so sad i just need a good closure.. memories idk..

You aren’t bothering me. I understand how you feel and tbh the only reason I am able to keep calm(ish) during spoiler week is because of a few people over on twitter that have really helped me to understand snk and have made me feel a lot better about future chapters (I say this before having my monthly breakdown after seeing Levi’s miserable face).

Firstly, editor-kun was just having some fun with this “spoiler” lmao.

Second, I think most of us worry about how Levi will be depicted after what happened to Erwin. My own take is that he’ll just get along, do his part as a soldier, follow orders, and remain Captain Levi, but when the time comes to fight Zeke it will be against orders. I’m imagining we’ll get another instance of Hans screaming “hey,wait!” (like when Levi kicked down the door in 85) but it’ll be too late. And yes, I agree with you, I hope there is a slow-mo (drama™) moment where we can hear some of Levi’s thoughts before he’s killed. Honestly, that’s how i’d prefer it to happen but at the same time, I worry that Isayama won’t have the guts to kill his most popular character. But hey, Erwin is the 2nd most popular character and he was able to let him go. Bert is immensely popular with Japanese fans too. I have times when I start to despair but after Erwin died people became aware that no one is safe, and suddenly Levi’s death has not only become expected, but accepted.

You’ll be ok, we’ll get through this shitstorm together. And remember that when s2 starts, we’ll (hopefully) be getting nice chunk of eruri goodness, as well as many wins.

Don’t forget, the beauty of fictional characters is that they can exist for as long as we want/need them to. Just because something is “canon” doesn’t mean any of us have to stop loving them or creating our own worlds for them either in fanfic, art, or simply just daydreams. What good would a fictional character be if they were forgotten as soon as the publication finished? They stay with us and are alive forever. Heck, there are people who believe Sherlock Holmes is still alive because he extracted the elixir of life from the honey of his bees. Point is, people can have fun with fictional characters and be stupid and happy and whatever. They won’t fade away as long as you love them. I worry about where snk is going too, but if it goes somewhere I don’t like, i’ll keep eruri in my own way (aus, canon divergence) and let the canon go. No one gonna stop meeeeeeeeeeee

Hope you’re ok, feel free to come to my inbox anytime! I’ll worry with you but honestly, even if Levi is ooc, the worst thing that could have happened already did happen in c84. No way in the world we’ll ever feel worse than that so…

Sorry for the ramble, I hope i’ve been *some* comfort to you. I understand how you feel and am exactly the same, so never feel that you’re alone with that.

[abynauts]

Fie ld tri p

Just a week ago, I uh declared to two of my friends that I like someone. It felt good, telling something off my chest that I have been keeping for so long... Because I was afraid of this new and old feeling. One, is that I liked the guy that my friend liked. Two, for the past semester, he really caught my attention. The little gestures and gentry he makes... Three, my friend don't like him anymore (maybe?)

But after realising all these feelings bottled up and spilled a bit, I am just expecting a lot nao. Dear brain, wut have u done again... So during the field trip, I know that my life won't be the same anymore, after I told them. That I will keep an extra eye on him... Notice every move he makes... Which seriously was nerve wrecking

I haven't told my friend that I liked him, cuz I know she still feels for him and I am ready to give way, just like before. And during the trip, she really was trying to prove that she has no feelings for him, to the point that she looks like she still does. Well for example, she can talk to him casually... Which yea, it may seems like she got over him, but... U know there are still lingering feelings there in every interaction. Like when u just say his name, that there is a bit of hesitation and such. And we all can see it. I know... Cuz I won't be feeling like this if it weren't just for that. Is it jealousy? This stupid feeling that I am undergoing right nao? I think so...

The whole trip, I switched seat with my classmate so he can sit with his bae (one of my trusted friends), since its our last term... I let them be. Even though my seat was a good spot to be near him :< I felt sad... I think I have sacrificed a lot for my friends, that I wish they can see through me... How I felt when I have to sit far away, away from my brethren lol. I'm not in the position to say that. Like I'm a kid counting all my chores lol

Since I told my friend that I liked him, I thought I could have assistance. I guess not ._. But I guess it's for good :) I don't want to be in an awkward situation that I'm near him. And feel obliged to talk to him somehow. I don't like the back part of the bus, cuz that's where all the party happens. And me, I am not a fan of parties. So the whole bus trip, I just read the book I purchased 'the boy who loved to much'... I was able to finish 75% during the trip so wow I congratulate myself. I never read a self-help book this intense lol for 4 days, I achieved that much uwu (yep I'm that optimist lol)

Deep inside I'm hurt and feel left out... But I guess I just gotta make use of the situation, good job me :>

So during the trip GUY A was friendly :> but I know ur motives bro... And him... Oh... He dressed fine and simple and wow I kept having eye contact with him at a far away distance. Imsuchacreep. Ugh... It was awkward, like how to just fling it and pretend that I also stare a whole seconds on other people lol like it was all just a coincidence to stare at him. I guess that was only the thrilling part.

Ooooh there was also one, whenever I take photos and he was near and he knows I was taking picture of said area... He poses funnily so yea, I had to position my lens to him, so his efforts aren't wasted lol. Then I only got a few shots of him during the field trip... So he won't notice anything different.

I was a snob the whole trip, yep... Just interact whoever is kind to me lol Well he also vlogged the whole trip o.o and me, an awkward and snob being, tried my best to not be hovered from his GoPro. Like if he ever vlogs in our way or I'm behind him, I just go to a different direction. I'm scared that when he watches his videos... And he caught me staring at him o.o then he'll know o.o oh gahd... So yea that was my tactic. He was near sometimes, for a class picture. And he has his vlogging cam, so I tried my best to look far as the eyes can see lol

I think I only talked to him when he was posing weirdly for the class pic, and asked him was he doing. And he said a weird word, probably a meme pose of a bird. Idk, he was trying so hard that I had to look like I'm weirded out and unimpressed..... But deep inside, I'm happy that he is near me and had to at least talk to him normally.

For the jealousy part lol I really had to label it that way huh... So after being to toured to this government broadcast station, we had free time. We were the first batch to finish, so along with him, me and my friend (who liked him before) were wandering around. So I have an errand to buy stuff from the place as a remembrance, I have my to do list, buy their special vinegar and chichacorn. Since I wasn't able to buy the first night we went there, now's my chance.

The tourist spot was like the 20th century, so history was there and all. He tagged along with us :) and here I am busy looking for the things I need, and I noticed them two. They look comfortable at each other, unlike before... Well, I tried to make myself look preoccupied and give them the space they need. Make them enjoy each others company. So I distanced a bit, went to the other people that we were with. Well they were also aware with the situation, so they guide me in their wing.

Also, I know she still have feelings for him. I tested it lol so we were checking out this souvenir shop for keychains and he was close. I wanted to lessen the proximity between him and me. So I saw another shop across the street, where the specialty foods are. Since she knows wut I want to buy, I tagged her with me and yuppp I felt that mini resistance from her. So, my instincts are true, still don't believe me? Here's anothu one haha as we walk to through the street, there is this shop were it sells a large empanada o.o I tasted it the other night and wasn't fond of it so I just let them try it as I go ahead. Both of them were curious of the taste, and alas, both of them went there. And I am far away. When I was about to call them out, wut do I see, them sharing empanadas. Wow. U know how a girl tries to feed her tall boyfriend, that kind of feed. Wwwwooow I just smiled, like, girl I know ;) girl u smooth ;) well it was from my perspective. I teased her during the night and in her defense, she handed him over his empanada, didn't feed him that way. Well my eyes are kinda blurry that time sooooo... I dunno which was true, I trust her. And if ever she likes him again, go girl. I don't even like to be open about my feelings. I'm here to support u.

I think that was the highlight of the trip :> don't wanna think about it too much. I'll try my best to forget him... Because hehe that's wut friends are foooorrrrr