#no pressure ofc i was just informing u on my availability

[iztea]

hello i just wanted to tell you that i adore your art so much, it has such an interesting texture to it and your colors are just. hnngg. angel and fem skk r so gorgeous in your style. especially dazai being all losergirl girlfailure… she is so perfect

i honestly would love to see how you would draw fem akiangel just bc im a lesbian and must make all of my ships yuri. and they’d be so pretty in your style. i think you mentioned having commissions in another ask? thinking. strongly

ahh thank you so much for the kind wordss i really appreciate them and yeah i feel u sometimes you just gotta yuri beam all your faves

my commissions are closed at the moment, i still need to finish a few so if you make up ur mind about wanting a comm i can add you to a waitlist for whenever i open them again, i'd love to draw fem akiangel actually haha

[dickgoblinpi]

i have a workplace rant

yesterday the girl i was supporting arrived and her taxi escort immediately said she’d been in a very grabby mood. she walks leaning on people’s arms, and when he transferred her from his to mine, she immediately threw her weight back as hard as she could. i knew i would not be able to support her to keep standing, so i moved to slowly lower her to the ground, but she kicked out at my legs and i lost my balance. i fell, but while i fell i made sure not to just drop her and i managed to cushion her head with my arms, which meant i couldnt prevent myself from cracking my own head off the door frame, hard

this was not a good start to the shift! we got her up and she was smiling and apparently unhurt. she sat in a seat and ate some quavers. i got an incident report and tried to fill it out, but this is very hard as she needs constant 1:1 interaction and even with that, she often just...grabs. she has a high level of intellectual disability and it seems that she grabs out because she finds people’s reaction funny, and because she likes the sensation, so she can be redirected with hand massage, other deep pressure, high fives, drumming on her hands and legs etc...but not always. like it clearly doesnt quite fill her need to scratch and squeeze. even if you are interacting with her continuously and she is happy as larry, she will still try to dig her nails in or lunge at your face while laughing. it’s also often to communicate wanting something and she’ll accompany that with angry noises. so there isnt anything we can really do to eliminate grabbing. we do what we can. 

anyway, i got the life grabbed out of me while trying to write this report, which NEEDS to be done immediately after an incident. there was nobody available on shift to help by distracting her or anything, all the managers were in a meeting (in the room with the files and the meds cupboard, during a shift, which... ???) so i just had to do my best. she tore my skin quite badly in places, like i have two deep crescent wounds on my left hand. 

once i had done the incident report, i had identified areas of her care plan which need updated and i knew we would need to outline a clear course of action to follow when she throws her weight (again it seems to be something she enjoys on a sensory level and also she finds it funny when staff stagger or tell her to stop) and i would need to talk that through with a manager to make sure we were on the right page with that. but as i said, all the managers were in a meeting, and i was on shift so i had to just proceed as normal with the girl.

 we went out for a walk (she uses a chair out and about) and came back and she started to make annoyed noises, which at 5pm usually means she wants dinner. she had a bottle of juice while i made dinner and after that was finished she started making angry noises again. all this is super consistent with her wanting dinner, and at dinner time her routine is to walk down to a quieter room in which to eat. but she didnt want to get out of her chair and she screamed when i tried to encourage her. i hate being stuck in that bind, because she was clearly telling me she did not want to get out of her chair but i am supposed to encourage her (in my opinion it crosses a line into forcing her) to walk while in the department. i tried a compromise of taking her to the table and then trying again to see if that would jog her into her normal habit - no, still screaming. fine. dinner in your chair.

then she didn’t want dinner. she always wants dinner, she’s one of the most reliable eaters we have. she’s a food lover. it was a tasty looking beef jalfrezi. she loves beef. she loves curry. she screamed at the dinner at some length. she threw the forkfuls. she pulled my hair and tried to break my glasses. i just wish she could tell me...’i hurt myself when i fell and ive lost my appetite.’ ‘i had a bad curry from here last week and it’s put me off them’ ‘im not hungry’ ‘im having stomach cramps’ ‘im too overwhelmed to eat right now’ but she cant. and when i fail to feed the kids its like i have failed to meet a basic need, like if my job was boiled down to essentials tht would be one of the biggest. it makes the whole shift feel like a fuck up

my boss finally appeared and i asked if she was on her way out, ofc she was. i told her there had been an incident and asked her about the guidance we’d need (my instincts were right) and she told me to make sure her parents were informed, update the plan, file the incident report on her desk, find another member of staff to attempt to give the girl her dinner in case i have become ‘bad cop,’ try a quieter area, try to get her out of her chair ‘oh, did she pull your hair there? anyway then do this, this, this,...’ and then she left for the day

i found a member of staff to give dinner another go in a quieter room. she did then voluntarily get out of her chair and sit at the table. but still, she screamed. i left to give the other staff member a shot, and i went and got her things prepared for personal care and filed the incident report and then i went back and the other staff member just shook her head sadly. so we supported the girl with her personal care (she made angry noises all the way to the bathroom and throughout the process which is not unusual for her in a bad mood and she very often has bad moods but i was plagued with wondering if she was hurt in some way) and then she chose to wander around the department gradually calming down. spent some time in the sensory room and the quiet room looking at the lights, playing on the waterbed. ever so slowly she reached a more settled and content level

while she was working on regulating herself, i was updating her care plan, filling out a detailed diary of the incident to go home with her and one that we keep, gathering her things to go home, cleaning up after the failed dinner etc etc. then her taxi escort did not arrive til 7.15 (should have been 6.55) i quickly informed them of what had happened and told them there was a detailed diary in her bag and could they be sure to let mum and dad know, and then i ran for my bus because if i miss the 7.20 bus im stuck out in the bitter cold for half an hour. but then the bus was 25 minutes late. the cold stung my injuries pretty badly.

this morning my boss texted me, ‘did u inform [girl]s parents and r u ok after fall?’ ‘I’m fine, I informed her taxi escort and detailed everything in the home diary’ ‘hmm, remember i told u to fone them, better to do these things in person. glad ur ok’

she literally didnt even tell me to phone them. she said i might want to phone them if the girl’s behaviour seemed to be indicating she was in pain, but it was my call as long as i made sure they were informed. i like my boss in general, but a) she lacks compassion* and b) she often talks while thinking of other things and then thinks she vocalised her thoughts when she didnt, or it was a sort of jumble in which an experienced interpreter might have been able to find that instruction but it wasnt actually clear. im not the clearest of communicators but i try not to harp on other people (especially people who have hit their head and been doing their absolute best to juggle everything that comes after) if im the one who might not have got my meaning across

its just a bit of a bitch

*dont jump on me if you lack empathy. what i mean is she frequently only considers emotionally or physically difficult situations from a logistic point of view. she has a very very limited list of exceptions which are severe physical illnesses or injuries, and grief. everything other than that gets platitudes and a cold certainty that you will be able to work and function entirely as normal (and as care staff, that is already considerably more that is expected of us as ‘normal’ than many other professions, in terms of hours, lack of support, overlapping and complex responsibilities - i dont mean that the caring part is so super difficult, but that we are constantly overstretched by scheduling and administrative considerations). if it crossed her mind that the entire situation and the pain in my head and arms might have been grinding me down somewhat, she didnt care. i dont know if it ever did cross her mind