#no read mores we make the dash scroll through my love for kai like men

[choosingfreedom-a]

insert fancy graphic depicting my love for kai in a humorous yet poignant way here. ideally it features erwin and levi in a way that is both cute and caring, and says “happy birthday” in a tastefully sloppy text.

@atlaswinged

okay, so, your actual present is coming At Some Point In The Future, but because my life is a mess of final projects right now i couldn’t get it done in time for yesterday, and like, obviously even this is late, so, uh. YEAH. FOR THE MOMENT, YOU’RE GETTING THIS. let it tide you over. 

ANYWAY, kai, i just wanted to take the time to say, on your birthday (or the day after, AS IT HAPPENS), how glad i am to have met you <3 i remember when you first followed me, and i was excited to see an erwin, but i think i took a few days to follow back, just bc i wait for new blogs to have writing up before i follow them. but when i did see your writing it took, like, .2 seconds to hit that follow button. and then i think our first interaction was me writing you a starter that blossomed into this wonderful thread with erwin and levi digging at each other early on in levi’s time in the corps, testing each other’s limits, erwin trying to convince levi to with others -- i owe you a response for that, which isn’t surprising, because i owe you a response for Many Things lmao.

but!! anyway!!! i knew the first time you wrote a reply for me that it was going to be wildly fun writing with you, and i loved reading your threads even when i wasn’t a part of them. your erwin is such a wonderful, well-rounded mixture of all of his qualities, not just a few: he’s pragmatic and ruthless and guilt-ridden and grim and cheeky and compassionate and humorous and brave all at once. i don’t think you’ve said a single thing about erwin or levi or their relationship that i disagree with; every time we talk about them, you bring these amazing and insightful aspects of erwin’s character to the table that make plotting so fulfilling. 

and i loooove that we have this ship, but that it isn’t just about romance. like, i’m in love with our cheesy fun deep romantic reincarnation threads, but i also adore our canon-era threads that are just -- them having a deeply trusting and nuanced relationship where romance might be an undertone, if you squint, but never a main theme, because it doesn’t need to be, because the depth of care is present between these two no matter what kind of relationship they have.

neither of us have been super active on erwin and levi right now, and that’s totally okay!! because i look at the drafts of our threads that are waiting for me and i’m excited to write for them, but i also know that you, lovely patient person that you are, won’t get tired of waiting for them, just like how a reply from you is worth any wait for me <3 but without a doubt you’re one of the writing partners i look forward to replying to the most, and we could never have enough threads to satisfy me, tbh, because there will never be an end to the number of ways we could explore erwin and levi. and that’s so special to me. our ship is the only ship i have on this blog, and i’m so ridiculously okay with that, because it’s so fulfilling.

and, okay, to talk about you for a bit -- well, first of all, your writing. i know you don’t necessarily like reading back on your writing, so let me just assure you: it’s all wonderful. your imagery, your sharp and accurate insights into both erwin and the character of whoever you’re writing with, the way you keep all of erwin’s demons so close to the surface and yet never breaking through his mask -- there’s a ruthless understanding and a beautiful subtlety in your writing that never fails to make me excited when i read your posts.

and then, you as a person -- you may be a shadowy cryptid, slipping in and out of group chats like a ship passing through the night, but that only makes your appearances more delightful. you’re funny (which is such a common way to describe someone, i feel like, but it’s true, your brand of humor has me laughing every time you pop up to deliver it), you’re smart, you’re insightful, you’re devious without ever being unkind. plus you take my angst like a champ, and then throw it back in a way that hurts me even as it adds another several years to my life out of sheer wicked delight. the point is, i love talking to you -- and i hope we’ll get the chance to do so more often once we’re both out of school’s clutches <3

and i can’t go without mentioning your beautiful graphics -- your themes always kill me with how lovely they are, like, every time i open your blog i just have to sit and admire it for a minute. and the same for the rest of your graphics, be it icons or banners or promos -- i remember on your last theme, when i first saw the mains banner you made for me (WHICH YOU DIDN’T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT), i just had to sit there and vibrate in delight because it looked so lovely. (also, i still laugh at the little chibi levi on your blog -- it’s so obnoxious, oh my god, it’s just floating there right over your sidebar, just as completely irreverent of erwin’s calculated appearance as levi ever was.) 

ANYWAY, i need to wrap this up or i’ll go on forever -- but the point is, i’m incredibly lucky to have you as a writing partner and as a friend, kai. i admire you as a writer and i adore you as a person, and i will always be amazed and grateful that i’ve been able to write and ship with you. you deserve the world, and i’m sorry i’m a bit late for your birthday, but i hope it was as amazing as you are, and that the rest of your year brings you every joy* !!

     *except for the angst that comes from me, which is still kind of joy if you’re sadistic enough.

[ersonist]

title: yesterday’s just a memory, tomorrow is never what it’s supposed to be

rating: t

word count: 2k1

summary: It’s not every day someone you know gets kicked in the head and forgets a couple of years of their life or modern AU amnesia fic.

a/n: I was checking my dash the other day and @hurricanedancer​ reblogged  this amazing post and mentioned in the tags wanting a fic. I was already planning to write something for Cassian Andor Appreciation Week (Favourite Relationship(s)) and this inspired me so I combined both. No such thing as too many RebelCaptain fics, right? Anyway hope you enjoy it :)

(I wrote the fic, but Bob Dylan wrote the title.)

Cassian wakes up to the blinding lights and whispers that are way too loud for his pounding headache. He vaguely identifies the place as a hospital but he’s not sure how he got here.

“Welcome back,” he hears a woman’s voice tell him in a British accent and his confusion deepens. Must be one of Kay’s relatives, he decides.

And then there’s a flurry of movement around him, people asking him questions, calling a doctor, squeezing his hand. It’s exhausting so he closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep again.

The next time he wakes up the room is significantly darker and emptier. He notices a sole figure half sitting, half leaning on a chair next to his bed.

“What happened?” he asks, his hoarse voice slightly breaking over the last word.

“You don’t remember?” the young woman looks at him with a clear concern when he shakes his head no.

“You tried to be a hero, stopping a bunch of guys from stealing a car.”

“They clearly won,” he states, hesitantly smiling at her.

“Yep, you got your ass kicked,” she openly smirks back. She fluffs an extra pillow that doesn’t look hospital issued before helping him to lean back comfortably. She’s cute. Whoever she is, he thinks.

“So what’s your name?”

Her hands start shaking and he figures this was a wrong question to ask.

Amnesia sounds too much like something out of Mexican soap operas he used to watch with his grandmother. The neurologist tries to be optimistic but there are too many we don’t know and we can’t predict that for Cassian to share her positive attitude. His room is crowded again but he can’t really blame anyone. It’s not every day someone you know gets kicked in the head and forgets a couple of years of their life. Still he averts his eyes refusing to witness their pity. The problem is that except for feeling a bit weak, he is fine. The headache is gone, he can stomach solid food again and frankly all he wants to do is go home. Unless...

“Do I still live where I lived back then?” he interrupts impatiently. How much could his life have changed in two years anyway? A new girlfriend does not define his entire existence.

He doesn’t like the anxious looks they all share.

“More or less,” Bodhi finally informs him without actually replying to his question.

He lives with Jyn now. That’s the news everyone, Jyn herself included, was gently trying to break to him. Honestly he would’ve guessed the minute he stepped into his (their?) apartment. Hot pink bunny slippers weren’t exactly his style.

“It was an inside joke,” Jyn mutters defensively when she follows his gaze to the offending items, carelessly thrown near the living room couch. She picks the slippers up and stuffs them into the small closet in the hallway.

It’s the oddest thing in the world. This virtual stranger who has her things all over Cassian’s living space and sometimes watches him with fondness and love he doesn’t understand.

The uncomfortable silence stretches a bit too long for his liking. He did suggest crashing at Kay’s but they all thought he should re-familiarise himself with his usual surroundings. Plus Jyn seemed determined in showing how much this doesn’t bother her.

“You have an unusual name,” he points out, slightly cringing at how terrible he is at small talk.

“Like gin and tonic, right?” she laughs and he joins her.

“Please tell me men don’t use that as a pick-up line!” he jokes with more ease. He plops on the couch now covered with a soft, grey blanket and stretches languidly. Jyn doesn’t say anything for a moment, just plays with the sleeve of her shirt.

“That’s actually what you said when we first met.”

Trying to trigger lost memories is a perfectly acceptable treatment for amnesiacs and Cassian doesn’t mind it at first. That changes by the 10th minute of a powerpoint presentation fully prepared and presented by Kay.

“Halloween party last year. Picture taken at approximately 2 am as judged by your frankly obvious intoxication,” Kay comments the current slide with his usual mixture of amazing detachment and complete disgust. “Is your memory back now?”

“No,” Cassian groans miserably. “Could you please speed this up?”

Kay straightens in his seat, towering over the desk even more.

“I was preparing a shortened version if you wish.”

“How long is that one?”

“47 pages but it’s not proofread yet.”

***

“3 hours, Leia! 3 fucking hours!” he complains later over a cup of coffee. “He even gave me a bound copy!”

“I know you forgot some stuff,” she comments with a grin that was clearly supposed to look innocent but comes out more like a devious smirk. “but I thought you remembered Kay was more like a robot than an actual human.”

He sighs and stirs in a spoonful of sugar. You drink more tea now, Jyn informed him one morning over the breakfast. He knows they have silly matching mugs and one cupboard is full of a specific earl grey blend she apparently can’t function without.

“How are things with Jyn?” Leia asks nonchalantly as if she could read Cassian’s thoughts.

He shrugs because he’s honestly at a loss for words. How to explain to his old friends that it’s like living with a roommate that you never asked for? Except that there used to be an us with that roommate and the more he thinks he can fall for her, the more she probably falls out of love?

“I sleep on the couch in my own apartment and I’m pretty sure my mere presence makes her want to cry,” he admits in the end. “She’s erm... she’s something else though.”

Leia nods and smiles encouragingly at him.

“But I think I get it. I get why he fell in love with her,” he concludes quietly. He never planned on confessing this much especially since he’s pretty sure Leia will blabber it all to Han and one way or another it’ll reach Jyn.

“You talk about yourself in third person,” she settles for a joke instead and he’s immensely grateful for it. “They did recommend you a shrink, right?”

***

“How about you scroll through my instagram and ask me questions if you want?” Bodhi suggests during their lunch the next day.

Cassian agrees more out of politeness than an actual wish to go through yet another “let’s make Cassian remember things” session. He checks one post after another. Birthday parties, a trip to the beach, Christmas drinks at a pub nearby. They all have one thing in common. If Jyn’s present, Cassian looks like a complete dork in every single one of them.

“Seriously you’d think I’d stop with those ridiculous starry eyes!” he exclaims while practically shoving the phone into Bodhi’s face. “Just look at that one, for example! We get it, Cassian, you’re happily in love!”

“Actually that was taken right before you officially met,” Bodhi explains slightly embarrassed and Cassian goes completely red in the face. 

He tries to find a specific document on his laptop when he stumbles upon a folder simply named “porn”. Judging by the creation date this was done by Jyn’s Cassian (as he secretly calls himself) and frankly he’s slightly worried about its content. He knows it’s a bad idea idea to go through it now, especially with Jyn sitting a few feet away from him furiously scribbling something on her work papers, but the curiosity wins. He clicks on one of the files at random and gets a cheesy selfie of both of them outside his apartment. He clicks another. This one has Jyn cooking and frankly looking beyond annoyed. There are hundreds of pics in the folder and Cassian has a feeling they all have a similar subject. He finally clicks on one of the few videos. It’s a terribly cliché shot of a beach sunset that moves slowly to Jyn sitting close to the camera, a cocktail in one hand, her shoulders a bit reddish from the sun. Mi amor, she calls to him laughingly and it suddenly reverberates around the silent room. Cassian desperately shuts his laptop but one glance in Jyn’s direction confirms she’s heard it loud and clear. She stays silent for a few seconds, biting her lip in an obvious attempt to keep a straight face.

“Are you watching porn, Cass?” she asks before finally bursting into laughter.

He realizes he enjoys his new life about 5 weeks after the incident. Sure it’s still awkward when he bumps into Jyn freshly out of shower and he’s still confused by a lot of stories he hears about himself but his new (old) friends turn out to be great and it’s nice not to be so lonely in life. 

Chirrut and Baze, the married couple who lives 2 floors above him, come over with a pizza one evening. Jyn’s working late again and the apartment is a mess but Cassian finds himself liking them a lot more than he thought he would.

“We’d bring Chinese but we don’t like to add to stereotypes,” Chirrut informs him when Baze drops the pizza boxes on the table, shoving aside what looks like Jyn’s white scarf and a brown shoelace.

“Sorry about the mess,” Cassian apologizes, helplessly looking around what used to be his pristine, minimalistic apartment. “Jyn tends to just leave her stuff everywhere.”

Like her toothbrush inexplicably abandoned on the coffee table at least three times this week. Or one of her boots on the kitchen floor. Or her bra casually hanging from the living room chair.

“We know,” Baze chuckles and hands him a slice of pizza. “You mentioned this when she moved in.”

“But things are good between you two?” Chirrut asks shamelessly and Baze just rolls his eyes.

“Yes, all’s good. She’s good. I’m good. It’s all... you know... good.”

Cassian is sure he can’t sink any lower than that. He chews his pizza for a moment before deciding that yes, of course he can: “Do you happen to have any stories about me and Jyn where I’m not making a fool out of myself?”

“Not really,” Baze answers very frankly and Chirrut chuckles at that. “You did learn all the British monarchs in chronological order just to impress her with your knowledge on all things UK.”

“And I suppose she was-”

“Very much not impressed,” Chirrut finishes triumphantly and Cassian just sighs in resignation.

He’s cooking dinner one night when he hears the front door open. Jyn drags herself in, kicking off her shoes and shrugging off her coat  and before he can ask about her zombie-like state she wraps her arms around him and buries her nose between his shoulder blades. He can’t help it - he freezes, his whole body suddenly tense which in turn makes her freeze, her lethargy instantly gone.

“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” she mumbles and Cassian grabs her wrists before she can fully pull away. Neither of them dares to move until he can feel her slightly relax, taking a tentative step closer. He lets go of her hands and smiles.

“Any plans for Saturday?” he casually asks her.

She moves then and leans on the kitchen counter, looking at him with suspicion.

“No. Why?”

“I thought we could go out,” he says softly, trying to sound as reassuring as he can. “Dinner, movies. What do you say?”

“Like a date?” There’s still a trace of doubt in her voice. Like it’s a trap or a cruel joke. It hurts him more than he thought it would.

“Yeah, like a date,” he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and their eyes lock.

“Cassian,” she whispers, the tension suddenly overwhelming and he can’t help but wonder if this is it. The perfect moment for a kiss.

It’s not.

“Are you trying to be suave now?” She manages to utter between uncontrollable giggles.

“Laugh all you want,” he declares grumpily, “but one thing that I’ve learned these past weeks is how much of a lovesick fool I was around you.”

She laughs even harder at that.

“No, please, mock me some more,” he continues, turning back to the now slightly burned dinner. “I was like a mix of a total dork, a schoolboy with a crush and a fucking stalker.”

He hears her still howling with laughter and he’s genuinely unsure if he’s more embarrassed by Jyn’s Cassian or the current Cassian. But when she puts her hand on his arm and tenderly kisses his cheek it stops mattering.

He gets his memory back two days after their second first date.