#not ‘I’m sure they’re doing xxx! everything else not directly agreeing with this is to mislead people!’

[buthappysoverrated]

Okay I’m not vagueing anyone I’m just glad I never say any of my hot takes online and just don’t interact with people

But also I thought when people say they’re not here for fandom drama then they’re not? And people can just have different opinions and not, idk, declare war? Anyways I’m going back to my revising fandom discourse is much less interesting than my major

[pishufics]

study date(s)

"Bertholdt knows that he needs to start trying. It’s junior year, and he’d rather not stay stuck in the same class next year as a senior. If he fails the next test, he’s in some shit. So, he's going to ask you for help."

pairing - bertholdt hoover x reader

tags - high school au, fluff, humor, texting

warnings - none

author’s note -  this was just a one shot but i kept writing lol it kind of switches between you and bertholdt, but i don't directly say his thoughts, it's kind of like 2nd person omniscient if that's even a thing LOL

lmk how the texting reads, i'll change it if it's weird

reblogs and comments are appreciated ! mwah

ao3 

chapter 1 - two days

reinah: I swear if you don’t just ASK her

Do you want to be held back?

bertoto: relax okay i’ll do it :(

r: Okay, okay

Lmk how it goes

b: i never said i was asking today

Bertholdt sighs and locks his phone once he sees Reiner start to type a reply.

Bertholdt is struggling with English, which surprises him. He’s a good student in every other class, but the moment Mr. Ackermann starts talking, he finds himself dozing off, missing the lecture. Recently, though, he’s awake in class, but still not paying attention. All his focus is on you, who sat in the middle of the classroom while he sat in the back, due to his height (he didn’t really mind, though; better chance of not getting caught asleep).

One day, due to some miraculous occurrence, the short, stern teacher actually had the boy’s attention, but not for long.

“Does anyone have number three?” Mr. Ackermann asked. Bertholdt definitely didn’t. He hoped someone would raise their hand so the teacher wouldn’t resort to calling a random name.

To his relief, you did.

“I think what the author was trying to convey was…”

Bertholdt didn’t really get what you were saying, but he admired your intelligence. You knew the material and could explain it in detail, while he couldn’t even recall the book's name in question.

He started to admire more of your traits - he gazed as you would lightly, but briskly, tap your foot in frustration when you didn’t know an answer and smile at the way your face relaxed when you finally got it. Seeing your motivation in class kickstarted his.

Bertholdt knows that he needs to start trying. It’s junior year, and he’d rather not stay stuck in the same class next year as a senior. If he fails the next test, he’s in some shit.

So, he's going to ask you for help.

...Tomorrow.

-

“Girl, I don’t have any more fucking gum. I drove up to Costco, bought the value sized pack, and you somehow managed to chew all of it.” You say exasperatedly, shutting your locker.

Sasha pouts. “Are you sureeee? There’s prolly half a stick left in your front pocket…”

You swat her hand away. “There’s. Nothing. Left. I promise.” She continues to stare at your bag.

“Fuckin-” You mutter, reaching into your bag and pulling out a snack-size bag of Cheezits. They’re one of your favorite snacks, but you know you can’t win when it comes to Sasha and food. You reluctantly hand the bag to her.

“Thanks, y/n!” She smiles and tears open the bag.

“Yknow, you can be annoying as shit, Sasha.”

She winks at you and eats her stolen prize. You turn to leave and head to 3rd period. English.

Hm. You’re usually greeted by your other best friend around now-

“Yeoooo!!” Oh, there he is. Connie daps you up before wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “What’s good?”

“I don’t really wanna go to 3rd," you answer. "Sasha stole my Cheezits."

“Does anyone really wanna go to any class? And that's your fault, you know you can't bring food without Sasha's fatass taking it,” Connie replies, and Sasha punches his shoulder.

“Okay, I know...have you started studying for the test?”

He blankly stares at you. Guess not. You have the same teacher, but different periods, so you can’t keep an eye on him.

“Nevermind. I’ll see y’all later.” You throw up a peace sign and head in the opposite direction.

It’s not like you’re bad at English, but you just don’t like school in general. You go to class to get your participation grade, then go home.

There might be another reason you tolerate 3rd period, though, and it isn’t the professor. (He is pretty fine, but he's an adult, so you don’t let your thoughts escalate).

-

Mr. Ackermann didn’t like assigning things online, so most of the work in this class was on paper, contrasting your other classes where everything was digital. Kind of annoying, but you’ve learned to deal with it.

You mainly use mechanical pencils because you hate the way wooden ones write, but one day, to your slight dismay, you forgot them at home. Just your luck.

There’s a container of pencils and a sharpener in the back of the classroom, so you stand up to go retrieve one and notice a tall boy asleep in a desk not too far back from yours.

Bertholdt Hoover.

You knew him, of course. You find it a little rude to not know your classmates' names; you’ve dealt with numerous “who?”s in previous years and don’t want to put anyone through that, so you make sure to pay attention during introductions.

You chuckle at sight. The class has barely even started, and the guy is already dozing. In an awkward position, at that. One of his long legs is across the other, cramped underneath the desk. His head was laying on his right arm with his left against his hair. You thought to wake him up, but he looked so peaceful, you couldn't bring yourself to do it, plus, it's not your business. Mr Ackermann somehow didn't notice either, so Bertholdt always had a good rest in 3rd period English.

Every time you walked into class, you checked to see what weird position he would be sleeping in. You found yourself looking forward to it- he looked kinda cute when he was sleeping- but he stopped one day. You were a little disappointed, but glad to know that he was starting to pay attention in class. You still glanced at him as you walked in- he's a pretty attractive guy. No harm in just looking...

-

You shrug your backpack off and sit at your desk, stretching your legs out a bit. The walk from your locker to this classroom was kind of far. You reach into your bag, get your mechanical pencil out, and wait for Mr Ackermann to pass out the first assignment.

Just then, you hear someone walk up to your desk, and you glance over.

‘Oh, it’s Bertholdt. I don’t think we’ve ever spoken.’ You feel your face heat up, wondering what he wanted from you.

“Hey, y/n…” He nervously starts.

“Hey. Need something?”

“Yeah, actually...about the upcoming test.”

You hum in curiosity. “What about it?”

He clears his throat. “I’m lowkey failing this class, and if I mess up this test, I’ll have to retake this class next year. Do you think you could, uh…”

Bertholdt inhales in an attempt to calm himself down. It doesn’t really work.

“Could you help me study?” Phew. He managed to get it out pretty well and made a mental note to give himself a pat on the back later. But he hasn’t fully succeeded yet; you still need to agree.

You weren't opposed to the idea. You kind of figured he would be struggling in class a bit since he used to sleep all the time. It’s alright with you, and you wouldn’t mind a potential new friend. Sasha and Connie were exhausting at times.

“Yeah, sure. When?” You pause. “Actually, just text me.” You hold out your hand, asking for his phone.

Bertholdt was practically shaking in his sneakers as he reached into his pocket and handed you his unlocked phone with the contacts app open. You actually agreed! And you were giving him your number! Reiner was going to be so proud, he smiled to himself.

As you type in your info, you appreciate the cleanliness of his phone. That shows you that he’s at least hygienic.

“Aight. Here you go,” you return his device. “See you later.” You smile.

Bertholdt can’t believe this is happening.

Mr Ackermann’s voice interrupts his thoughts. “Oi, Hoover. Sit down.”

Startled, he jumps back a bit at the sudden acknowledgement. He was focused on you and tuned everything else out.

“Sorry, sir.” Bertholdt gives you a quick grin and turns to go back to his desk. Once he sits, he looks down at the new contact:

y/n :)

xxx-xxx-xxxx

Bertholdt can’t help but smile. Just seeing your name and number on his screen made him giddy, and he thought that the smiley face you added was adorable.

His thoughts are interrupted yet again, but not by the teacher. He looks down at his phone, which just buzzed.

| Messages

reinah

Did you do it yet bruh

Good timing. Bertholdt taps on the notification and goes to type a reply, but decides to send him a screenshot of your contact…with your number scribbled out. Reiner was a flirt, and he didn’t want to risk anything.

r: YOOOOOOOOOO HOLY SHIT U ACTUALLY DID IT

Bertholdt rolls his eyes and puts his phone in his backpack. He was going to pay attention- for real - today. He didn't want to seem too clueless when you tutored him.

“Can anyone tell me what rhetorical strategy is being used here?” Mr. Ackermann asked.

Bertholdt certainly could not. But that was changing soon, with your help.

--

“Okaay, we got Ms. Tutor over here now,” Sasha smiles in between bites of a burger.

“Do you even know how to, like, teach, though?” Connie gives you a skeptical look.

“It prolly isn’t too hard. All I gotta do is help him study. If he needs help understanding a concept, I’ll just explain it,” you defend yourself. “We still have two weeks. Ion mind making flashcards or something.”

“You’re getting into it, huh?” Sasha laughs.

Your face heats in embarrassment. “Girl, you know it isn’t like that.”

“And why not? You’re always bitching about how lonely you are. High school isn’t gonna last forever…” she replies.

“I have no recollection of saying anything like that.” You glare. But she isn’t exactly wrong. You’d like to experience the “high school romance” you’ve heard so much about, and Bertholdt is pretty cute. It’s not like dating is a significant concern, though.

“I’m always here as an option, y/n,” Connie winks as he takes a sip of his soda.

“Hell nah.”

Across the cafeteria, Bertholdt is trying to eat a sandwich, but Reiner won’t leave him alone. He was right about Reiner being proud, but Bertholdt almost forgot how persistent the jock could get.

“I didn’t think you had the balls, dude. I was ready to see English 3 on your schedule again next year,” He grins, arm around his taller friend's shoulders.

“...Can I eat?” Bertholdt sighs and shrugs his friend away.

“Have you texted her yet? What day are you gonna hang out with her? You gonna bring her anything? Flowers or somethin’? Girls like that kinda stuff.”

Bertholdt didn’t really think that was true.

“First off, no, not yet. I need to see when I can actually go. Second, no, I am not bringing her anything. I didn’t say it was a date. She’s going to help me study.”

“Fine, man. At least try to seem more interesting, yknow, so she can like...be interested in you.”

“Are you saying I’m boring? Ouch,” He jokingly pouts and rolls his eyes at Reiner’s double usage of ‘interesting.’

“You said it, not me.”

“Okay, I don’t wanna hear that from you...if it came from Annie, then I’d believe it.” Bertholdt looks in the blonde’s direction. She took a bite from her burger, looked up from her phone, and shrugged.

“Damn, for real?” Bertholdt sinks. He didn’t think he was that dull. He did lots of interesting stuff, like…

Like…

Bertholdt sighs in defeat.

“It’s fine. Maybe y/n likes boring,” Bertholdt huffs, taking another bite from his sandwich.

“Yeah, okay, keep telling yourself that and see where it gets you…” Reiner mumbles.

“Come again?”

“Nothing, man…”

School's been over for an hour or two. You’re aimlessly scrolling through your phone when you feel a buzz, and glance towards the top of the screen.

| Messages

xxx-xxx-xxxx

hey

it’s bertholdt 😁

where should we meet up?

Your heart starts to beat a little faster. ‘Relax, girl… don't act like he's asking you out or something,’ you tell yourself.

y/n: hey!

how abt the library?

+  what day/ time works for you?

You add his number to your contacts as you wait for his response.

bertholdt :^)

is saturday at 3 okay?

y/n: yep

do you need a ride or anything?

b: no, but thank you

see you then ☺️

y/n: alrighty :)

You smile at his use of emojis, send what he requested, then swipe down on your screen to check the day (what? It's normal to forget sometimes.) Wednesday. Two days.

You feel like it would be awkward to study with Bertholdt considering you aren’t really friends, so you decide to text him a little more so it isn't too bad when the day arrives.

----

“See? That wasn’t so hard!” Reiner exclaims. “You could’ve tried to talk to her more, but it went good!”

“I think it would’ve been weird if I did say anything else. Best to leave it at that…” Bertholdt exclaims, trying to calm himself down. He had two days.

He wonders what he should do now. Study so he could impress you? Do something to make himself seem more interesting? What would he even do...?

Bertholdt taps back onto the conversation to reread it for the 6th time. Was there anything he could’ve said different? Should he try asking you someth-

Oh, wait-? You’re typing?

“Oh shit- Dude, she’s saying something else. What do I do?” He begins to panic. Did you suddenly decide he wasn’t worth your time? Were you cancelling?

y/n: sooo

how’s your day been?

Whaaaaaatttt?? You actually...care to ask?

Bertholdt stared at his phone in surprise.

“What’d she say? Cmon! Don’t just look, dude!”

“She...asked how my day’s been-”

“-You gotta reply now! You were on the chat when she said it, so she knows you’ve read it!” Reiner urges.

Shit. He doesn't have enough time to think of a good reply.

good, but better since i’m texting you 😉|

The hell? No, that’s weird. And too soon. He tries again...

pretty good, thanks!

kinda stressing over the test, haha

how’s your day going?

There we go. He twiddles his thumbs as he waits for your reply.

y/n :)

oh, dw, it’ll be fine !

my day was okay

sasha took my last bag of cheez its :(

b: ah, i'm sorry abt that :(

+ yeah, you're right

have you as my tutor :)

“Nice job man! That was...kinda flirty? You’ll get there!” Reiner ruffles his hair in encouragement, and Bertholdt shoos him away. He stares at his phone in anticipation. Was that too much?

----

i have you as my tutor :)

You lean your head on your pillow and feel your face heat up at the compliment ( was that a compliment?)

It’s not like you’re dumb, so he’s not wrong to think that. Your lips curl into a smile as you reread the message. But how do you reply? Should you compliment him back? You don’t really know.

if you’re saying i’m smart, thank you :))

hoping that wasn't sarcasm lol

You wait a minute, and he doesn’t reply, so you decide to ask another question.

is there anything specific you wanna focus on?

You cringe at the double texting, but hope that it doesn't make him think you're weird. You swipe away from the conversation and scroll on various apps as you wait.

b: ofc it wasn’t sarcasm, you're really smart, y/n!

i'm mainly struggling with rhetorical strategies and logical fallacies, but i could

use a general review too

if that's okay with you

You bury your almost overheating face into your pillow. Why is something like that getting you flustered, you wonder. You sit up, take a deep breath, and focus on the second part of his message. You're pretty good with what he needs work on, and a general review should be easy to put together.

y/n :) okay, we can focus on the first 2 on saturday

we can review the unit on other days

see you at school:)

At this point, you really don’t know how this conversation could go any further, so you ended it. Bertholdt returns your goodbye.

You exhale and sit up in your bed. Hopefully tutoring him won’t be too awkward now that you’ve spoken to him a bit, and there's still tomorrow at school to speak to him. You find yourself excited for the study date tutoring session, since you could get your homework done too.

"Two days," you smile.

[swordarkeereon]

Live Intentionally

Each year in December, I choose a keyword or phrase that will inspire the coming year. At the end of 2018, I realized that I had lost the joy I usually found in my work. Writing had become a difficult chore that I dreaded. With that revelation, I had to stop and re-evaluate, and discover what, exactly, I had lost. Why was I dreading something that used to be my happy place? I came up with a list:

I was spending too much time on other people’s agendas instead of my own.

I was dreading the administrative work of marketing, releasing, editing etc.… but only because I was juggling that with writing, the day job, and running my local writer’s group.

I had taken on too much and it was impossible to reconcile all of it and do it all effectively.

The to-do list was so overwhelming that the writing itself was being set aside and therefore…

I was not getting the writing done that I needed to get done to create an effective (or regular) publishing schedule.

All of this was usurping the joy out of my writing. Hence my keyword for 2019 became JOY because I realized that in order to keep going and not suffer burnout, I needed to reclaim my joy. So, this past year I took on less. I stepped down from my writing group because being overwhelmed was negatively impacting my career. I took on less, and I put writing on the top of my to do list.

It took about six months, but with these small changes – I finally found my stride and reclaimed my joy.

That’s the beauty of having a keyword or phrase for the year. If you can identify what needs to change and the consequences if it doesn’t, you can create actionable steps to change it.

This goes hand in hand with the self-work of magick.  We define what needs to change (and how), then we create the actionable steps with the magick itself being a catalyst (in the form of strength and resolve, or manifesting opportunities) to help manifest the changes.

Some takeaways from reclaiming my joy in 2019 included that putting the writing first did help me write more, and only taking on what I could reasonably muster resulted in me having more time to write. Two habits I plan to continue with into 2020 so I can keep my joy going.

But over the last six months I also realized another thing: I had lost focus and direction, and as a result, even though I was writing more, I was still flailing. Despite all the planning and writing, I was not being as intentional as I could be.

For those of you who are magicians, you know that intention in magick is everything. Having clear intentions can be the difference between heading directly toward a goal or reaching that goal later, after a lot of unnecessary side trips.  This, of course, led me to 2020’s key phrase – LIVE INTENTIONALLY.

That means that aside from putting the writing first and maintaining my joy by not self-sabotaging by taking on too much, everything on my schedule in 2020 must be about living intentionally. By that, I mean putting my agendas first. On my agenda (in no particular order):

Spending quality time with friends and family.

Getting back into my daily writing habit (which is still a little hit or miss but getting better).

Writing on projects that MATTER to me and my career goals. Which means the publishing schedule is being adjusted and the projects I’m pursuing are better aligned with my goals. They’re intentional.

You’ll see more scheduled releases out of me in 2020.  I have a goal to complete Bloodlines part two and the projects I languished on in 2019. You’ll see some new series pushed forward, and other new series pushed back, which is really hard because I want to write ALL THE THINGS and release them in a timely manner, but I also know that’s not realistic. I have a speed at which I work and while I can work to increase that speed slowly, this means that I have a maximum output at my existing speed. I have to keep realistic expectations for myself and my goals. That’s the hardest part. It’s easy to say, “If I just write 2500 words a day every day, I’ll get XXX and XXX done” but the reality is that shit happens. You get a migraine. A family member has an emergency. Something else needs your attention now, not later. Shit happens and we all have to adapt to that shit while still moving forward toward our goals.

The changing writing market has forced me to put a series 8 years in the making on the back burner once again in exchange for other series’ that are more to market and timely. After all, a girl’s gotta eat, PLUS – I LOVE the new stories. Hell, I love all my stories, which is what makes it so hard to set some of them aside for a while.

I have 4 series right now that are of the utmost importance for 2020. Obviously, the Thirteen Covens. I really need to get through the final 5 covens (for Bloodlines), plus the OTS-Covens crossover, Darkness. Darkness was meant to be a 20-25K novella. It’s already hit 32K and is not finished. Writing schedule derailed. I didn’t account for the extra 20K it will take to complete this story, and if I’m doing 1500 – 2000 words a day on that story – that’s almost 2 weeks longer that it will take to write. Sometimes stories happen in their own word count. It is what it is.

The next series is a timely Covens spinoff that I know most Coven fans are going to love. I’ll be announcing that once Cult of Lucifuge is released. The third is my Wicked Ways mini-series. I have another three to write for 2020, but they’re short (10-12K) and they’re fun. I need the lighter stuff to lighten my overall mood with all of the darker stories I’m working on. Then there’s some Anne O’Connell stuff, a new steamy PNR series I’m writing in a shared world with six other authors. You’ll be hearing more about that this coming weekend when we announce it.

Then there’s Dark Prince. I won this cover in an auction last April. Initially this was a back-burner project, but my hand was forced, and due to some circumstances in the writing world, it seemed prudent to schedule this release in the next twelve months just in case. Long story short, I didn’t want to be out the money I’d already invested in the book because money doesn’t grow on trees and nothing I buy or create (with regard to my writing) should go to waste.

I think you’ll agree — especially with a cover like that. You’ll likely see the description blurb being updated throughout the year just because I’m not quite happy with it yet, and I’m not sure it captures the essence of the whole story right now. I still want to finish Tales from Black Lily and 7 Lustful Sins. Both are SO CLOSE to being done. Then there’s the S. Connolly stuff. I have 6 projects in the works there, and I’d like to release at LEAST one of them in 2020. Hopefully they’ll be worth the wait.

But right now, I’m fixated on fiction. I have 2020 releases already scheduled for January, April, May, July, August, October and November because I’ve made firm commitments to them, and Amazon is not forgiving to those who miss release dates on pre-orders. All of these are pre-order books. Which means Covens will still release as I finish them. I am looking into to pre-releasing the Thirteen Covens spinoff, too.

One of the challenges I’ll be facing is multi-tasking. With such a vigorous schedule, I’ll need to simultaneously write on one project and edit on another on dedicated writing days.  I haven’t been very good with that. (At this point, both of my January releases are in editing. Thank the gods.)

It also means I can’t slack on day job days. Whether I work on writing or editing (whichever takes priority based on release schedule), it needs to be done every day with the intention of meeting deadlines. I am also doing a rebrand of the OTS series in January. I think you’ll love the new look.

That said – I sincerely hope you all stick around for the ride! I have some fun stuff coming! 😊  Thanks so much for reading and I hope you are all having a fantastic December.

[tosybelle-blog]

The Boys of Summer, Chapters XXVI-XXX

No one could ever know me No one could ever see me Seems you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me The Rembrandts, I’ll Be There for You

Haley

I rarely get phone calls, but when I do, they’re usually from one of two people. Both of them were working on Tuesday, so when the phone rang during the middle of the day while I was home alone, I assumed that it was a telemarketer.

The caller ID showed a very familiar phone number and for a moment I thought maybe Jordan or By had decided to skip work. (It was Jordan’s last day at the Rosebud, and maybe they’d decided they didn’t need him after all.) But it was another Pike wanting my attention.

“Hey, Haley,” Vanessa started, as if she called me all the time. Sure, we’d hung out a few times over the summer, but it wasn’t like it had been back when we were ‘besties’ and spoke at least once a day.

So naturally I was a little suspicious that she was calling. “What do you want, Vanessa?” I asked.

She paused and then sounded put out. “Why do you think I want something?” she asked.

“What do you want, Vanessa?”

The pause was even longer this time. “I was hoping you’d like to go to the mall with me,” she said in a small voice.

I relaxed a little bit. I didn’t have any plans for the afternoon or evening, so why not? I knew Vanessa must have asked me to come along so I could give her a ride, but did her original motivations really matter? She wanted to spend some time with me and I could really use the distraction. “I guess so,” I said after a pause of my own. I know I didn’t sound enthusiastic and she must have picked up on that right away. It wasn’t really Vanessa’s fault; I was just feeling sort of down in the dumps.

We hashed out a few details. She was in charge of the laundry for the week and she had two more loads to finish, so we planned to leave in an hour, shortly after she put the last load in the dryer. We hung up and I went back to what I’d been doing before she called: brooding. I’m not a world champion at it the way By is, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t while away entire afternoons thinking about everything that’s wrong with my existence.

Jordan kept trying to assure me that everything was okay between us, but I just didn’t believe him. It wasn’t that I thought he couldn’t get past me shoving him away from me while sobbing. It was more that I was afraid that if I kept shoving him away, he’d get tired of it and stop coming back. Especially since he was leaving so soon. He’d be off at school in less than a week and there would be so many other things and people to get his attention.

I was listening to Vanessa’s CD of depressing music on my stereo and lying on my stomach on my floor when the phone rang again. I rolled my eyes and slowly made my way off the floor, working under the assumption that Vanessa had changed her mind or wanted something else from me. But I didn’t recognize the phone number, other than the fact that it was local. I picked up the phone. “Hello?” I said tentatively.

“Haley? It’s Jeff.” He sounded upbeat and happy. I couldn’t help but wonder what had gotten into him. “Can you help me out? I need to get out of the house. My sister is driving me fucking nuts.”

I didn’t even know his sister was in town. I sighed. “I just agreed to go to the mall with Vanessa,” I told him, disappointed. I’d been hoping to nab an afternoon alone with Jeff all summer long, but it had never worked out the way I’d wanted.

“Oh,” he said, trying not to let his own disappointment show. Despite the pep to his demeanor, he didn’t sound too thrilled with the prospect of spending the whole afternoon with his sister. I’d liked Jeff’s sister back when I’d really known her, but I couldn’t think of the last time I’d seen her. Maybe something had changed.

I was torn. I couldn’t go back on my word to Vanessa—we might not be the kind of friends we were when we were thirteen, but we were friends. But at the same time, I was also friends with Jeff, and he needed me for something that sounded more important than just my car. “Do you want to come with us?” I asked. “Vanessa can’t really complain because we’re taking my car. I’d love to go shopping with you again.”

This time, Jeff paused. “Are you sure Vanessa won’t mind?” he asked hesitantly.

I honestly didn’t care if she did. “It’s my car, so I get to pick the guest list,” I said, not really answering his question.

He did sound marginally happier. “Great. What time are you guys leaving?”

“In about forty-five minutes, but you can come over any time you want.”

Jeff came over about five minutes later. I wasn’t sure what the rules were with him. Jordan’s not allowed anywhere on the second story except the bathroom, while By can go just about anywhere he pleases. I decided that my mom would be closer to that with Jeff. No one was home and we’d be gone before they came home, but I figured that we’d be okay in my bedroom, especially if we left the door open. It’s not like I had any plans to make out with Jeff, after all. Can you imagine the kind of drama that would lead to? Really not my style.

He dropped his sandals by the door and the two of us thundered up the stairs. I had thrown my six bed pillows all over the floor, so I sat down on them, expecting Jeff to take the only chair. Instead, he plopped down right next to me, taking a look around as he did. “Cool room,” he said, taking everything in. “It’s very…”

“White,” I finished. I couldn’t exactly explain why I had redecorated my room so monochromatically, but I’d found that I liked it when it was finished.

He leaned over and inspected my scribble wall, or as By likes to call it, ‘The Wall of Schlock and Schmaltz’. “I especially love this,” Jeff added.

I smiled half-heartedly. “Some days, those words are the only thing keeping me sane,” I admitted.

Jeff grinned briefly. “I feel the same way about my meds,” he said. I looked over at him, wondering what medication he was talking about. He must have read my mind. “I’m taking lithium for bipolar disorder,” he said seriously. “It’s why I’m so up and down all the time.”

I nodded at him, wondering what my problem was. “You can write on it if you have any words of wisdom,” I told him. “There are markers on my desk.

Jeff hopped back up and grabbed a Sharpie. He inspected every word written on the wall before he found a blank spot up out of my reach—and probably By’s as well. “I wanted to make sure you didn’t already have this one,” he commented before he began writing. In typical male chicken scratch he scrawled, ‘The journey of a million miles starts with one step.’

I stretched out on my stomach as he joined me back on the floor. Vanessa’s CD was still playing. “What are you listening to?” he asked.

I wrinkled my nose. “I have no idea,” I admitted, “but before you called, I was getting ready for a good cry. I can change it, if you’d like.”

He shook his head. “Nope. Your house, your choice. But I do have to wonder what is bugging you so badly that you feel like listening to shitty, depressing music and sobbing your heart out.”

I didn’t answer him directly. Instead, I glanced over at my dresser where, among the general life clutter, was a single framed photo. Jeff followed my gaze, never moving from his pillow perch. The photo was of Jordan and me in Maine. I was standing on a bench behind him, leaning against his back, my arms wrapped around his neck. He’s turned away from the camera—looking over his shoulder at me. “Oh, I see,” he said gently, “He’s leaving for school this weekend, isn’t he?” I looked away and bit my lip. Jeff watched me for a moment and then shook his head. “I’m sorry I brought it up.” He furrowed his brow.

I shook my head back at him. “You didn’t bring it up,” I replied, stretching out flat with my head sideways on one of the pillows. “I haven’t been able to think about much else for the last few days.”

“Believe me, sister,” Jeff said, “if anyone understands what you’re going through, it’s me.” He rolled onto his own stomach so we were side by side. “You feel like he’s running off to start something interesting and fun without you, and you’re left behind in the dust, hoping he doesn’t forget you.”

He did understand; I could see that. And I knew why. Jeff was headed back home to live with his dad soon, same as he’d been doing his whole life. He wasn’t moving hours away from home to live in a dorm with a bunch of strangers, like Jordan and By and Adam were. I nodded at him and he smiled. “Aw, Hay, I get it. I really do. You’re going to have to go months without seeing him. I’m in the same boat with By. But I really have faith in my relationship and I’m certain it can go the distance.” He paused and made a face. “Inadvertent pun. Sorry.”

I rolled my eyes. If I’d been in a better mood, I probably would have laughed. Instead I fought back tears a bit. He looked at me and I knew he could see it. We sat quietly for a minute before he spoke again. “So what’s this I hear about Jordan still being a virgin?” he asked. I rolled over onto my side to get a better view of him and he grinned at me in a way that told me he was just trying to lighten the mood. “You two are the king and queen of PDA. I’m surprised you’ve managed to go four whole months without sealing the deal.”

I wasn’t sure if he didn’t know the truth about me or if he just decided it would be cute to pretend. I decided to go with the latter. “I’m a tease,” I told him. “I’ll give him a taste, and that’s it.”

Jeff laughed heartily. “I should have been that way back when I was dating girls,” he said wryly as he rolled onto his back.

I sat up. “Not with By, though, huh?”

He closed his eyes and grinned. “No, not with Byron so much. I’m in no hurry to go farther with sex with him, but that’s not being a tease. It’s savoring things. D’ya know what I mean? Enjoying everything to its fullest while it’s new and special, knowing we have time in the future to go to that next step without feeling like we have to rush into it now.”

I wanted to feel that healthy and mature about sex. Instead, I was constantly of two minds about it. I definitely had hormones and they were definitely raging. My heart said to go further and do whatever comes next. But my head held me back. It said, ‘Stop now, because you’re only going to get hurt.’ “I wish I felt that way,” I commented idly.

Jeff opened his eyes again. “Which part don’t you agree with?” he asked.

I thought about that. “I don’t have a problem with enjoying things,” I said and he gave a half smile. “It’s more the time thing. I don’t know how long I have before I fuck things up and everything falls apart.”

He crossed his legs in front of him, still lying on his back. “What makes you think you’ll screw something up?”

“I may have already,” I muttered. He gave me a look. “Never mind. It’s really complicated.”

Jeff shrugged. “I have the time. Why don’t you try me?”

I closed my eyes briefly before I replied. “My mom has a motto,” I said after a moment. “Expect the best, but prepare for the worst.” Jeff nodded. I know he remembered my giant Mom-purse from Maine. “It’s always worked pretty well for me. But she never prepared me for the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me, and it’s not something I know how to deal with now that I’m reliving it on a daily basis. I just think that Jordan’s going to get tired of waiting for me if I don’t get over it.”

He pursed his lips for a moment. “I’m not going to even try to pretend to understand what you’re going through on that end,” he said finally, “but I’ll tell you what I do know. There’s a serious downside to always being prepared for the worst.” He had my full attention now. I leaned over toward him. “Sometimes, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You spend enough time thinking you’re going to ruin your relationship that you actually do.”

I wrinkled my brow but didn’t say anything. Instead I flopped back face down on the pillows. We were quiet for a moment before Jeff spoke again. “Hey, Haley, remember that time we were stranded on an island with my sister?”

I pulled my face off the pillow. “How could I ever forget that?” I replied, smiling for the first time pretty much all day. “Why do you think my mom is the way that she is?” He tilted his head to one side, looking glorious in the fact that he’d actually made me smile. “When we were missing, she thought she’d never see me again. Ever since then, she’s done everything she can to prevent hurting like that again.”

We were a lot less deep after that. We talked about television and music and he told me about some of his friends back in California. And then, just about five minutes before she said she’d arrive, Vanessa popped up on my doorstep. Because she’s Vanessa and not your average human, she didn’t knock or ring the doorbell—she threw pebbles at my window. I knew exactly what that meant because she’s done it before. I pulled myself off the floor and threw my pillows back onto my bed. Jeff stood as well, looking confused. I leaned on the window sill. “Hold your water!” I shouted at Vanessa. She grinned back at me and plopped down in the grass where she stood. She was wearing a short plaid skirt and a black shirt with her Doc Martens and she’d pulled her hair into two pigtails. Her makeup these days is bright and colorful—she was wearing hot pink sparkly eye shadow. She looked absolutely ridiculous, but I knew that was the point.

I turned to Jeff, who’d gathered up the pillows he’d been sitting on. “Vanessa’s here,” I announced.

We were out the front door in just a moment. Vanessa looked over at the two of us together. Her face clouded over for a moment, but then she just shook her head. “Oh, goody,” she said sarcastically, “It’s two thirds of the Pike triplet fan club! What did I do to deserve the honor of this company?”

I was not in the mood for her unique brand of humor. “You don’t have to go with us, if you’re that unenthusiastic about our ‘company,’” I said warningly.

She looked over at Jeff, who was playing with his sandal and pretending he wasn’t listening to the conversation. The look on her face plainly said she was surprised Jeff was coming along on our mall trip, but she smartly didn’t say a word. Jeff looked up from his shoe and, realizing we were past the moment, tried to break the tension. “So, Vanessa, what takes us to the mall today?”

She turned a little bit pink. All the Pikes are really fair skinned and blush unbelievably easily. “Nothing special,” she said as I locked the front door. That kind of response said that she had something specific in mind, but she wasn’t going to bring it up until she had us trapped in it with no escape route in sight. She and Jeff followed me to the car.

Jeff was reading Vanessa’s mood properly, so he didn’t even attempt to get into the front seat of the car. He got in behind the driver’s side and let Vanessa climb up in front with me. We turned out on to Burnt Hill, Vanessa still stewing and me concentrating on driving. Jeff leaned forward between the seats; he hadn’t belted up yet. “Didn’t Byron tell me that your parents used to not let you drive your car?” he asked me. “When did that change?”

I laughed. “When everyone made it back from spring break in one piece. They were impressed that I’d driven around that much and no one died.”

Vanessa was looking over her fingernails, which matched her eye shadow. “You really didn’t drive that much,” she said. “You let the boys do all the highway driving.”

I’d hoped no one had noticed that. I’d never driven on the interstate before and I hadn’t been eager to try it for the first time with a car full of my friends and quasi friends. I’d gone on my own and tried it out a few weeks after we’d gotten back and found that it wasn’t that bad. “Well, my parents didn’t need to know that part,” I said lightly.

We were relatively quiet for a moment before Vanessa looked up from her hands. “What the hell are we listening to?” she asked.

“I have no idea,” I replied. Jeff caught my eye in the rear view and he grinned. He’d caught the echo also. “Jordan made me a mix CD. He’s trying to get me into classic rock.”

That got Vanessa’s attention. “Jordan likes classic rock?” she asked, bewildered. “I only ever hear metal coming out of his bedroom,” she added.

“That would be Adam,” I said. “I get the feeling Jordan usually uses head phones when he plays music.” Vanessa wrinkled up her nose and mouth, although I wasn’t sure why. Was she upset that I knew something about her brothers that she didn’t? “Jordan likes all kinds of music. His tastes are very…eclectic.” I turned the CD up a little bit. “My tolerance for this old stuff is growing. I can’t say I like most of it, but I can actually listen to more than thirty seconds of most of the songs before I change them. And there are a few that I actually will admit aren’t bad.”

Jeff was still leaning between the seats. “Oh, yeah?” he asked. “Like what?”

I gave my most evil grin and flipped through the CD until I found exactly what I was looking for. A short time into the song, Jeff laughed and sat back, finally putting on his seatbelt. Vanessa gave him a look. “What’s so funny?” she growled.

“Oh, you’ll see,” Jeff replied. Vanessa did not look any happier. She glared at me suspiciously.

“I think Jordan put this one on here first to get my attention because he knows I can’t resist shit like this,” I said with a smirk.

She listened intently for a little while, trying to figure out what Jeff and I thought was so hilarious. The song was long and it took longer than I’d anticipated for Vanessa to recognize it. “Noooo!” she shrieked. “Haley! You actually like this garbage?” she asked, her tongue hanging out of her mouth like the music had left a bad taste behind.

I looked at her innocently. “You mean you don’t like Bohemian Rhapsody?” I asked as I flicked my eyes back to the road.

“You’re not going to get me to head bang,” was her only reply, but it was pretty much a lie. When that part of the song came on, she ended up bobbing her head as much as Jeff and I did.

When the song ended, I turned the radio off. “For the ride home, I have Stairway to Heaven,” I teased. Both of them shuddered.

We pulled into the Washington Mall parking lot and I started looking for a parking spot. There were plenty of spots, but I always like to park under one of the lane markers so I can remember where I left my car. As I was cruising up and down the aisles, Jeff plastered his face to the window. “Isn’t that the Helen-mobile?” he asked.

I looked the same direction, and sure enough, there was Helen’s convertible. She has a custom license plate with her last name spelled phonetically on it, so there was no mistaking it. “If we see her, I’m going to duck into a store and hide,” I sighed.

“Who is Helen,” Vanessa asked, “and why do you have to hide from her?”

I grimaced and Jeff turned to Vanessa. “She’s Byron’s manager and she’s got a major hate on for Hay,” he told her.

Vanessa frowned and turned to me as I finally parked the car. “I originally interviewed to work behind customer service with her,” I said, “but when they offered me a job, it was in towels with a different manager. I don’t know if Helen just decided she didn’t like me or if the bath manager Jeri poached me. Then when they were short a bridal consultant, Helen recommended someone and Jeri recommended me. I got chosen.”

She looked confused. “So?”

I wrinkled my nose. “Helen holds grudges. I think there’s a lot more to it than those two things. I heard a rumor that Helen wanted to switch over and be in charge of the bridal and china department, but they promoted someone over her head instead. She’s been super- critical of me ever since I got sent to the bridal department. I got my three month job review yesterday and I was rated ‘exceeds expectations’ in nearly every category. Yet Helen tells me off every time we work together for something stupid. She basically told me I was incompetent the other day.”

Jeff nodded. “Yeah, because you can really control having an allergic reaction,” he commented with a chuckle.

Vanessa made a face. “I had a reaction to the chemicals they use to clean the toilets. My throat started to close up. It would have been cool if it wasn’t so life threatening,” I told her.

She shook her head as we reached the mall door. “Clearly,” she said dryly, “you and I have different definitions of cool.”

We’d barely made it inside the door when Jeff decided he needed to use the bathroom. Vanessa apparently has a map of the mall inside her head, because she knew exactly where the closest men’s room was. Jeff popped inside and I leaned against the wall a short ways away. Vanessa folded her arms in front of herself and glared. “What?!” I asked, as if I didn’t know the answer.

She didn’t answer directly. Instead she looked up to the second story balcony and watched some shoppers for a moment. She was trying to up my irritation level and she was succeeding. “Maybe,” she said finally, still not looking at me, “if I start calling you ‘Hay’ I can actually get some of your time.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?” I asked.

Vanessa met my gaze. “I was hoping to spend some time alone with you,” she said crossly. “You and I used to be so close. And then we had a stupid fight over nothing and you stopped being friends with everyone except my idiot brother. I thought after spring break we’d be able to hang out together more, but you’re always with one of my brothers. I knew they were both busy today so I was sure you’d be free. But you had to go and bring Jeff along with us.”

I knew it was killing her to admit that out loud and that melted my iciness a little. “I’m sorry it’s not what you were expecting,” I said, still annoyed a bit, “but Jordan is leaving this weekend. And then both By and Jeff are leaving within the next two weeks after that. I want to spend as much time as possible with them before they go.” Vanessa was sulking. “I’ll have just oodles and bunches of time free when school starts. I’d be glad to spend some time with you, just the two of us, after that happens.”

“Great,” she said, “I’m the honorable mention. I’m what you get when everything else was taken.” Vanessa sighed. “I remember a time when you were mine and I didn’t have to share you with my brothers.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not a toy, you know,” I said as Jeff came out of the restroom. “I don’t belong to anyone. I get to decide how to spend my time.”

Jeff watched warily as Vanessa shook her head in disbelief. “Oh yeah? Like you wouldn’t run back home right now if Jordan called and said he needed you.”

She was right about that. “Yes,” I said after a moment’s pause, “but that would be my decision. I love Jordan and I would drop everything for him if it came down to that.”

Vanessa looked surprised and she opened her mouth to speak, but Jeff interrupted. “Sorry I took so long,” he said, putting one arm loosely around my shoulder and looking at Vanessa with his head cocked to one side. “Where do you want to go first, Vanessa?”

She gave him a look that said she didn’t appreciate him breaking up our disagreement, but she just shook her head. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I really just wanted to do some boy scoping.”

I groaned and Jeff turned to me pleadingly—I think he thought I was about to start the argument again. “Have you heard about Vanessa’s mystery man?” I asked. He shook his head. “She’s spent the past two months trying to identify this guy she met when she got her driver’s license. I actually spent a couple hours wandering downtown Stoneybrook with her a couple weeks ago, hoping to find him.”

Jeff was intrigued. “Ooh, that sounds interesting,” he said. Vanessa perked up just a little.

“The only problem is,” I continued, “we have absolutely no idea who this guy is or where he lives or anything of the sort. All she’s got is a vague description.”

Vanessa grimaced. “I’ll recognize him if I see him again,” she defended herself.

“Describe him,” Jeff insisted.

“Tall—a couple inches taller than you, I’d say,” she said. “Olive skinned, brown eyes and hair. Really cute.”

“See the trouble?” I said to Jeff. “He could be a lot of guys by that description.” I looked around and began pointing. “He could be that guy…or that one…or that one.”

“Wait a minute,” Vanessa said, looking surprisingly happy. “That’s him!”

Jeff looked off in the general direction I’d been pointing. “Which one?” he asked.

“The second one,” she said, standing on tip-toe and staring off into the distance. She’s a good four inches taller than I am and I had already lost track of the guy in question. He’d been with another shorter young man, both of them carrying skateboards. “Oh my goddess!” she said, getting a little panicky, “That’s definitely him!”

“Well then,” Jeff said, moving in the direction which the boy had been walking, “let’s do what we came for and follow him!”

Vanessa quickly followed Jeff and I had to break into a trot to keep up. “What exactly are you going to do once you catch up to him?” I asked. “Say, ‘Hi, remember me? I’ve been thinking about you for weeks. What’s your name?’” Vanessa shrugged but she looked a little irritated. Instead of responding, she sped up.

In a moment we were right behind them. “Recognizance time,” Jeff whispered, standing between me and Vanessa. He slowed down so that we were close enough to hear what the boys were saying, but not so close we were obviously following them.

The shorter boy was talking about his sister’s birthday, which was apparently coming up soon. “What do you get a ten year old?” he asked with a shrug.

Vanessa’s boy was idly spinning one of the wheels on his skateboard. “I had the same problem when my sister turned ten,” he said. “It’s too old for Barbies and shit, but too young for makeup and the kind of stuff my other sister is into.” He thought about it for a moment as the five of us walked past a toy store. “Bill,” he said to his friend, “Look at that!”

From my angle I couldn’t see what he was pointing at, but whatever it was, it got Bill got all excited. “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “You’re a genius, P!”

Jeff looked at Vanessa and raised his eyebrows. “P,” he mouthed at her. She made a face, not catching it, so I signed the letter P and she nodded.

Meanwhile, the two boys had gone inside the toy store. A moment later, they both returned without the toy. An employee was with them. “You’ll have to leave the skateboards outside,” she told them.

The two of them made faces and turned toward each other. Jeff, Vanessa and I had stepped back toward the fountain, pretending to be fascinated by it while watching everything out of the corner of our eyes. I really got a look at the two of them for the first time that way. Vanessa was right; the boy she’d been hunting for was pretty cute. P sighed. “I can stay here with both boards,” he said.

“Naw,” Bill replied, “I wanted you to take a look at the video games with me, remember? Just put them down. No one will bother them.” P nodded and set his board leaning against the side of the store. Bill put his right next to it and they went back inside.

Quick as a flash, Vanessa zoomed over to the boards and picked one up. “Vanessa,” I hissed from a distance, “What are you doing?”

“I’m looking at the boards,” she said. “Maybe his has his name or number on it somewhere.” She picked up first one board and then the other. “Damn!” she exclaimed, “I can’t remember which is which.”

I looked at the one in her hand. “That’s the other guy’s,” I said. She gave me a questioning glance. “It says Bill right here. That’s what your mystery P called his friend.” All I could think at that moment was that either Vanessa was a really lousy detective or she had been too busy drooling over P to pay much attention to what he was saying.

“Right,” Vanessa put the board down and picked up the other skateboard again. She groaned. “It doesn’t have any identifying marks on it. I’ll never figure out who he is!” Frustrated, she practically tossed the board back down.

“No…” Jeff began. He’d stayed a few steps back from where Vanessa and I were standing in the doorway to the toy store. “But I know a good way to find out if he remembers you or not.” Vanessa raised her eyebrows. “He’s paying right now. Quick, grab his skateboard again.” She picked it back up. “Now, on my call, run with it.”

I was aghast. “What?!” I said, not sure I was believing my ears. Jeff shushed me and I backed away from the two of them, hurt and confused.

P and Bill came back out of the toy store. “Hey,” he said as he saw Vanessa standing there with his skateboard. A look of recognition crossed his eyes. “What are you doing?” he asked, amazed.

“Now!” Jeff shouted and the two of them took off running. A moment later, realizing that me standing there gawking was not going to help, I followed. They’re both taller than I am, with longer legs, and they could have outrun me if they’d chosen, but they didn’t. I caught up pretty quickly. I suddenly realized they were hoping that the two boys would catch us.

Instead, P just stood there, looking surprised. Bill leaned against the toy store window, holding his own skateboard, and laughed. “Vanessa Pike!” P bellowed down the hall, causing everyone in hearing distance to turn and look at him. “I’ll get you back for this!” he shouted.

We sped a ways down the mall before we ducked into the food court. “Do you two realize,” I said seriously as we plopped down at a table, “that you just stole that guy’s skateboard?”

“Ahh, but more than that,” Jeff said, starting to laugh, “we discovered something very important.” I gave him a ‘do go on’ gesture. “Not only does he remember who Vanessa is,” Jeff continued between chuckles, “he likes her.”

“What makes you so sure of that?”

Jeff stopped laughing, although he was still grinning. “Haley,” he said to me, “when did you figure out that Jordan had a thing for you?”

I frowned at him. “Why?” I asked. He didn’t answer; instead he sat there, waiting for me to answer him. Finally I sighed. “When he came to apologize for his behavior during the trip. He said he was sorry for the way he’d been acting toward By and then promised I’d never hear him behave like that again.” I took a breath. “And then he said that he’d do anything else I wanted to make sure I forgave him. I suddenly realized that he’d been acting like an ass during the whole car ride from Camden to Ogunquit because I’d yelled at him and basically threatened to punch him again.”

“And you realized that upset him because he had feelings for you,” Jeff added. I nodded. “I have to ask, did you kiss him, or did he kiss you?”

I flushed. “I kissed him.” I honestly don’t think it would have gone well if he’d tried to kiss me. I probably would have broken his nose that time. I still don’t take surprise kisses very well, even after months of making out with him.

Vanessa rolled her pink-lidded eyes. “This is all very touching,” she said, oozing sarcasm, “but can we get back to me here?”

“Yes, Vanessa,” Jeff said, matching her sarcasm, “this will roll back to you here in a second. I knew that Jordan liked you pretty early on, but I had it confirmed the night before you two hooked up. He kept sliding you into the conversation when we went out for a walk. He was really concerned with how he looked in your eyes. I finally just said to him, ‘So how long have you been in love with Haley?’ and he answered without even thinking about it, and then he looked embarrassed.” He chuckled and I smiled, thinking about how Jordan didn’t say anything before that night because he thought I was dating his brother.

“What I’m saying here is that straight guys all kinda work in just a couple different ways. A lot of them, including Jordan, want to look good to the girl they like and protect her from stuff.” Jeff dug into his pants pocket and inspected the money he pulled out. “I see a little bit of this in that P guy. I know he remembers Vanessa because he said her name. I also know he likes her because he totally could have threatened to call mall security and have her arrested for theft. But that would make him look bad in Vanessa’s eyes. Plus, his friend totally knew who she was and that P wouldn’t chase after her.” He paused for a moment. “Of course, he seems to be more of another type of guy…the one who’s going to pretend he doesn’t care and be standoffish so the girl comes running to him. This guy’s an interesting blend of character traits, Vanessa.”

She grinned and set the skateboard down on the table. “I’m famished,” she said, draping herself across several chairs.

Jeff handed her a twenty dollar bill. “Then go get yourself a smoothie. Get one for Haley, too, my treat.” We straightened out what was being ordered and she walked off. Jeff looked at me as I started playing with the wheels on the skateboard. “You okay?” he asked me. I gave him a look, not sure why he was asking. “You didn’t seem real thrilled with my plan to get P’s attention back there, and even though I got you smiling when I was talking about Jordan, you’re back to overly serious again. It doesn’t really suit you, just so you know.”

I sighed. “How did you become such an expert in mine and Jordan’s relationship?” I asked.

He stretched and put his feet on Vanessa’s vacated chair. “I’m not an expert,” he said, “I was just an outsider with a fresh perspective, that’s all.”

“Well, I feel the need to point something out to you,” I said, putting my head on one shoulder. It was the only way I could see his face while he was seated like that. “Wanna know how quickly I figured out that By liked you? About ten seconds after you showed up on that Sunday morning. And know how quickly I figured out you liked him? A couple hours into the car ride—right after the two of you started talking. It was like something clicked into place for you. You became instantly happier.”

Jeff laughed. “You’ve got me beat then, because I never would have guessed that you were the one to kiss Jordan. I knew he liked you, but I didn’t know you liked him.” I shrugged at him. I hadn’t really known that myself until I’d been in the moment. “As for me and By, you know what ‘clicked into place?’ I asked him how long you two had been dating and he told me you weren’t. It was the second piece of how I figured out he was gay, and even though I was sitting there going, ‘I’m straight—I can’t be attracted to him,’ it made me so happy.” Vanessa returned with the drinks as he finished his story. “I was really pretending to myself those days. I have to admit now that Byron wasn’t even the first guy to get my attention—he was just the first guy to return it.” Vanessa set a drink down in front of each of us. “Back then, I was all about no labels, no identity. I’m just Jeff. I’m actually secure in who I am now. I could jump on top of this table and shout my identity to the world, if it weren’t totally copying that dare you gave By back in Maine.”

Vanessa took a long sip of her smoothie. I ignored mine, staring at the surface of the skateboard for a moment. “What identity is that?” Vanessa asked. “Are you really Clark Kent or Superman?”

I looked up from the skateboard. “Hey,” I said, interrupting Jeff’s announcement. “I think P is this guy’s last initial.”

Vanessa turned from Jeff to me. “What makes you say that?”

I ran a finger along the surface in between the stickers on the board’s underside. “Someone carved some letters on here. I’m pretty sure it says LP.”

Vanessa snatched the board from me and turned it back and forth in the light. “Hey, you’re right,” she marveled. “LP. I wonder what that stands for?”

I shook my head. “Dunno,” I said, “but you were right, Vanessa. I have seen him somewhere before. I can’t remember when or where. I think we were a lot younger at the time, though.”

We finished our smoothies and were throwing away our garbage when LP and Bill showed up in the food court. They spotted us before we spotted them. “Oh, Vanessa and friends!” LP shouted.

Jeff grabbed the board and handed it to Vanessa. “What’s the fastest way out of here?” he asked.

She pointed. “That way.”

“Well, let’s go, and quick.”

The door we left by wasn’t anywhere near where we’d parked the car. We panted, out of breath, as we walked halfway around the exterior of the building. LP and Bill had been stopped by mall security shortly before we’d left the mall—not only were they running, but LP’d been shouting as well. As for us, we’d spent less than an hour at the mall and hadn’t gone into any stores. When we finally reached the car, I didn’t unlock it right away. “That was the dumbest and most illegal thing I’ve ever done,” I commented to the other two.

Vanessa leaned against the car, cradling the skateboard like a baby. “Yeah, but you had a good time,” she pointed out. I didn’t know if I agreed with that. I’d have rather gone shopping while sipping my smoothie than run out of the building like a common criminal. But it was a more enjoyable way to spend the afternoon than sitting in front of my stereo, mourning the death of my relationship (even though it was still alive for now.) I shrugged at her.

Jeff stood behind me and put a hand on each of my shoulders. I tensed up for a moment, but then relaxed. “Anyway,” he said, looking at me over my shoulder, “aren’t you the one always telling my boyfriend he needs to get out and do stuff more? Which, by the way, is something I agree with.” He stood up straight and came around to lean on the hood. “If you’re going to steal a skateboard and run through a shopping mall, you’d better do it now, while you’re still a minor and it doesn’t show up on your permanent record.” He grinned. “I’m a legal adult in a couple weeks. I’m going to celebrate by buying a lotto ticket and a pack of cigarettes and giving the cigarettes to the first homeless guy I see. Until then, I’m going to enjoy being juvenile and immature as much as possible.”

Vanessa looked at him sideways. “Today was a pretty good start,” she said, and then she burst into laughter. “Sorry I was so testy when we first got started today,” she told him.

He waved that off. “No problem. You weren’t that bad.”

We were interrupted by the sound of music—to be more specific, Beethoven’s Für Elise. The three of us looked around for a moment, trying to figure out where it was coming from before I had a revelation. “Oh!” I exclaimed, and pulled a cell phone out of my pocket. I picked up the call. “Hi Mom,” I said.

I listened to my mom for a moment as the other two looked at each other. “No, Mom, I’ll be home for dinner. Okay. Sure. Can I call you back in a minute? Okay, thanks, bye.”

Jeff and Vanessa were staring at me. “When did you get a cell phone?” Vanessa asked.

“Yesterday,” I answered. “My whole family got them, even Matt. Ours have unlimited texting, and they have a special plan that doesn’t include phone calls, just texting, especially for the deaf. I guess Mom found one more way to be prepared. I’m surprised she didn’t insist upon it years ago.”

Jeff was stretched out, actually sitting on the hood by this point. “Why’d you say you’d call her back? You didn’t have to end the call for our sake.”

“She wanted to know if I was bringing anyone home for dinner tonight. She made seafood lasagna. If you wanted to come, Jeff, I’m sure we could find you something else.”

“What kind of seafood?”

I thought about it. “It’s a mix. Shrimp and clams and squid and octopus.”

It was his turn to think. “No, that sounds fine. I’d eat that.”

Vanessa asked what I was thinking. “You’ll eat that, but not lobster?”

Jeff made a face. “I just hate the thought of the way they throw the live lobsters into the boiling water,” he finally said.

I looked over at Vanessa and she laughed. “What about you?” I asked her. “Coming to dinner?”

She looked happier than she had all day. “Sure. Any time.”

 I do my best to understand, dear But you still mystify and I want to know why I pick myself up off the ground To have you knock me back down again and again Nick Lowe, Cruel to be Kind

Jordan

The day I left for college was the worst day of my life so far.

It didn’t start that way. I was nervous about leaving, but mostly I was excited. I was ready. I didn’t know exactly what to expect, but I thought I could handle whatever life was going to throw at me. I just didn’t count on Hurricane Haley.

The drive down to Gainesville isn’t exactly a short one, so Mom had taken time off work to take me to school. We were going to stop at a motel Saturday night and then she’d spend Sunday helping me get settled. She’d spend Sunday night down there before making the whole drive back on Monday. Any time I wanted to come home in the middle of the school year, I’d have to fly.

I said goodbye to my brothers and sisters one at a time. Nick had come to talk to me Friday night because he had no intention of being up early enough on Saturday to see me off. He’d spent the whole time looking at the ground, embarrassed he’d actually come in. Vanessa had stopped by fifteen minutes later and told me to remember every detail of college life because she’s trying to decide whether or not she actually wants to go to college herself. (She was kidding. I happen to know she’s dying to get accepted at Vassar.)

Margo and Claire each got up in the morning and came by to tell me to have fun off at school. They were both overly solicitous. (It wasn’t until several hours into the car ride later that day that Mom admitted that Mallory—who was moving into an apartment off campus and was planning to come home only briefly now and then—had decided to give up her bedroom. Vanessa was moving into the room (which had once been Dad’s study). With Adam and me going away, our bedroom would be empty most of the year, and Margo and Claire were campaigning to be allowed to take it over.) For her part, Mal had popped her head in and told me to have fun, but not too much fun, and told me to send her an email now and then.

Byron stopped me as I headed down to breakfast and he was headed out the door for work. “I’m so jealous, man,” he said.

“What for?” I asked with a grin. “You’re leaving in two weeks, right?”

“Right,” he agreed. “But I’m eager to start my life now.” We vowed to compare notes on a regular basis and stay in touch by email and instant message as much as possible. I was suddenly glad that he and I had had a chance to talk not long before. I can’t explain what had changed, but ever since Adam and I had sorted out our disagreement, Byron and I had been getting along better also.

I went back up to my room after breakfast to do some last minute packing. Adam was sitting on his bed, watching me sullenly. “What’s up?” I asked him. I was still sorta irritated with him for not telling me he thought he’d gotten Tiffany pregnant, but it wasn’t the first time I’d held a grudge over something idiotic he’d done, and I’m sure it wouldn’t be the last. I wasn’t sure if he was looking so cranky because he knew that, or if something else was going on.

He eyed me blearily; he’d just woken up. “Florida,” he said, lying back down and pulling his sheet over his chest. “Why the fuck did you have to pick a school in Florida?”

I laughed, even though he sounded serious. “Isn’t it a little late to be asking that?” I pointed out.

He made a face. “I just don’t know how we’re going to make it, being thirteen hours apart,” he said, rolling onto his back and talking to the ceiling.

“Thirteen hours?” I asked.

“I looked on MapQuest.”

“Ahh.” I put a few last minute items of clothing into a suitcase as he continued to look up and ignore me. I reached into my sock drawer and pulled out two items—a wrapped shirt box and a small jewelry store box. “C’mon, Adam,” I said, and he turned back to look at me from the top bunk, “Did you really think we’d end up at the same college?”

“No,” he said, but his voice told me he was lying. He sat back up and swung himself out of bed, jumping from the top bunk. “I just thought we’d be closer together, that’s all,” he added.

I shrugged, turning my attention away from the presents I’d put on top of my bag for longer than I’d expected. I’d thought that we’d end up much closer than thirteen hours too, but it the fact that it didn’t happen seemed to bother him a lot more than it bothered me. “I’m sorry,” I told him. “I just couldn’t pass up the chance. Florida, man! I mean, I’ve always loved them. How could I turn that down?”

He shook his head. “I guess you couldn’t,” he conceded. I picked up a few more items and put them in a pile, then remembered I needed to gather up my stuff from the bathroom. “You will stay in touch, right?”

I gaped at him; he was starting to sound like Byron a bit, with the worries over stupid shit. “No, Asshole,” I said, trying not to laugh again, “This is the last time you’re going to see or hear from me ever. Better say your last words.”

Adam slugged me in the shoulder. “All right, Shithead, point taken.”

Mom appeared in the doorway. “Jordan,” she said, looking around at the room. She’d taken to having a funny expression on her face whenever she looked and saw something else was packed up. “We’re leaving in half an hour. You said you had a stop to make?”

There was one last goodbye I had to say that I was really dreading. I packed up my toiletries and left them with the rest of my luggage by the door. I really didn’t have too much to haul—mostly just clothes. Most of my things were going to be waiting at the Kitchen & Bath store in Gainesville. I ran out the front door and was halfway across the yard when I realized I’d left Haley’s present sitting on top of my bag. Cursing myself silently, I decided to go ahead with my goodbye. Maybe I’d have Byron bring it over to her later. I had the feeling she’d be spending some extra time with him in the next few weeks before he left.

She knew I was coming and she was waiting by the door. She looked like she hadn’t slept right the night before—she was even more unhappy looking than Adam was. I had been completely ready to leave Stoneybrook behind until I saw that.

“Haley,” I whispered, not able to articulate anything I wanted to say. She tried to smile at me but failed. I pulled her into a tight hug and she squeezed me hard. I heard her sigh deeply as she pressed her face into my chest. Finally I released her. “I got you a present,” I told her, “but I left it at home.”

Haley didn’t look any happier than she had when I showed up. “I’ve got something for you, too,” she said listlessly. I’ve seen her show a large variety of emotions through the years, but I couldn’t read her right now. She didn’t look pouty like she did when she wanted something out of me, nor did she seem tearful. There was a certain dark resolve to her, like she knew something unpleasant was going to happen but there was nothing she could do about it.

I stepped inside the house. The rest of her family was home, but they quickly cleared out of the living room to give us some privacy. Haley perched on the arm of the couch and looked at me blankly. I moved to her and put one of my hands in her hair, wanting to remember the silky feeling. She pulled back for a second but then leaned toward me. I knelt in front of her and she inched off the couch, throwing her arms around my neck. “I wish you didn’t have to go,” she said directly into my neck.

“I know,” I replied. I ran my hands up and down her back as I felt the first tears drip down into my shirt. I was going to have to be careful or I’d start crying in a second. There was no telling when I’d be home next. Would I be able to afford to fly out for fall break or Thanksgiving? Probably not. Mom and Dad had promised all three of us triplets a plane ticket home for Christmas, but we were on our own for the rest of the breaks. Either find a ride or pay for our own way. Christmas break was more than four months away.

Haley finally pulled her face away from my soggy neck and sat back down. I sat down next to her, my arm around her waist. “I want you to have fun at school,” she said, wiping the back of her hand across one eye.

She was starting to sound like my parents—or Mallory. “I plan to,” I said, not sure where she was headed with this. I touched her forehead with my free hand and tucked some hair behind her ears. She was still wearing her pajamas—a tank top and a pair of shorts covered in rainbows—and she hadn’t put on makeup or done her hair yet for the day. (This was probably a good thing, because otherwise, colored mascara would be smeared all over her face once again.)

Haley nodded. “Good. And I want to help you with that.” She wiggled her way loose from my grip and backed away from me just a little bit, until she was nearly out of my reach. “I’m going to set you free,” she said, not looking happy—just resolute.

I didn’t like the sound of that. Without her to touch, I didn’t know what to do with my hands. “What does that mean?” I asked, cracking the knuckles of my left hand with my right.

She stood up and walked over to the window. The curtains were pulled open and she looked out toward the sun, not responding right away to my question. Finally she turned back toward me. “There’s going to be so much for you to do at school. I don’t want to hold you back.”

“I’m not sure how you could,” I commented. I wanted so badly to go over and join her in the window, but I knew she’d walked over there for a reason, and if I followed, she’d just go to the other side of the room.

Haley set her jaw, willing herself not to cry any more. “You’re going to meet interesting new people and have all new friends—a whole new life. All I’m saying is, that if you meet someone you like better than me, I want you to have the chance to explore that.”

“Someone I like better than you?” I repeated. What was she saying? Was she breaking up with me? “I don’t think I could ever find someone I like better than you. I don’t think you get it, Haley.” She had been looking at the ground, and when I said her name, she turned her brown eyes back to meet me. “I love you. Distance isn’t going to change that.”

She shook her head. “You don’t know that,” she said. “There are all kinds of awesome people at school, people with different ideas and new ways of thinking. You could meet girls that are way better than me—smarter, prettier, and a whole hell of a lot less crazy.”

“Haley. You are not crazy,” I insisted.

“Aren’t I? I think I am some days,” She came back over to the couch, where I was still sitting. “I’m not breaking up with you, Jordan,” she said, reading the look on my face, “I’m just saying that if you find someone else you want to date, you’re free to do so.”

I felt those tears I’d pushed down earlier come bubbling back up. “Why? I don’t want to date anyone else!” I was being a little louder than I intended. I hoped her parents weren’t overhearing any of this. “What is this about, Haley? Is there someone else you want to date?”

Haley shook her head. “Nope. I sincerely doubt there’s any guy in this town that could hold my interest.”

“Then why? Explain yourself, please.”

She shook her head again. “I already explained myself. I don’t want stupid little me in Stoneybrook holding you back in any way.”

“I take back what I said about you being crazy,” I said, “because you’re sure acting crazy right now.” She bit her lower lip and glared at me a little; I’d clearly hurt her feelings a bit. “Look. I don’t want a half-way relationship with you. Either we can be completely together, or we’re not together at all. I love you and I don’t want things to end this way.”

Haley turned away from me again. “There’s no way for us to be completely together,” she said sadly. “We’re going to be in different states, fifteen hours apart. And even if we were in the same state, I’m sure I’d just end up driving you away.”

She was sure driving me away now. “What are you saying, Haley?” I asked. She didn’t reply, just looked down at the end table, her back completely turned to me. Her hands were sitting flat in her lap; she wasn’t even fiddling with anything the way she does when she’s upset. I stood up and walked away from her. “Fine,” I said icily, standing in the doorway between the living room and the vestibule. “I guess this is it. It’s been nice knowing you.”

I was such a mix of emotions as I walked back to my house. I was mad at Haley for being so stubborn and hard-headed. Why wouldn’t she listen to reason? But I was also upset with myself for not being more patient with her. I have quite the temper sometimes, but I had been trying so hard not to ever unleash it on her, because she has moments where she’s just so delicate I’m afraid she’ll break. I hadn’t even given her a sliver of my fury this morning for that reason.

But mostly I was just sad. We’d been together a little less than four months. Is this all I was going to get out of her? Granted, it was the longest relationship I’d ever been in, but that kind of made it worse. What was the matter with me that I couldn’t hold on to a girlfriend—especially one that I’d never been anything but careful with?

I went around the back of the house, hoping I could slide in through the kitchen without anyone else seeing me. I hadn’t actually shed a tear, but I knew my eyes must look like I had. I didn’t have any luck in the avoidance department. “Hey, Jordan,” Adam said as I came in through the door, my head ducked down so he couldn’t see my face, “You left Haley’s present upstairs. Did you want to run it back over to her?”

I shook my head, still looking at the linoleum. “No.”

Adam held it up. “What do you want me to do with it?” he asked.

“Throw it in the trash.” I hurried out of the room, leaving him with a bewildered look on his face, still holding the boxes.

Mom was standing at the bottom of the stairs with the two bags I still had in the house. “Jordan,” she said, clearly surprised, “You’re back sooner than I expected.”

I didn’t reply directly to that. “Can we go now?” I asked.

She raised her eyebrow. “Everything okay?”

“Can we please just leave?”

***

Mom must have gotten the idea that I was serious, because we were on the road within five minutes. She watched me quietly the first ten minutes or so, until Stoneybrook was behind us and everything ahead of us was uncharted territory. “Spill,” she said finally. “What happened?”

I sighed because I knew we were going to be spending fifteen hours in the car together. If I didn’t tell her now, I’d tell her eventually. Better to get it over with. “I think Haley broke up with me,” I said mournfully.

Mom had planned to let me drive the first leg, but she knows better than to let me behind the wheel when I’m worked up. “You think she broke up with you?” she asked incredulously. “What exactly does that mean?”

I watched the scenery for a moment before I replied. “She said she wanted to set me free. I’m still not quite sure what she meant by that. But she made it clear that I was allowed to date other girls. I told her I didn’t want to do things half-way with her.” I made a face as I realized that I’d actually broken up with her, not the other way around.

Mom looked out to the horizon as she drove, but I knew she was paying attention to everything I said. Sometimes, Adam calls me a Mama’s boy, because he doesn’t go to our parents with his problems the way I do. Neither, I’d noticed, did Byron. Well, so what? Mom’s always good for solving my girl problems, plus she gets a lot less mad when I go to her and tell her I’ve done something I shouldn’t than when she finds out through the grapevine. She knows that I got really sick the one time I smoked pot, and that ever since then, I’ve just pretended to take a hit if someone passes me a joint.

She finally spoke. “I’m sorry, Jordan,” she said. “Breakups bite.” I laughed at her phrasing and she smiled lightly. That had been her intent. “Is there anything I can do for you?”

I slumped down in my seat. Unfortunately, there wasn’t. Try as she might, your mom can’t mend your broken heart any more than she can mend your broken bone. “I don’t get it, Mom,” I said, hoping that she had some insight into the ways of women. “Why did Haley do this? She kept saying I’d find a girl that was better than her. Do you think it’s possible that she never loved me the way I loved her?”

Mom reached over and patted my arm. “Sweetheart, it sounds like just the opposite. I don’t know—I can’t get into Haley’s head. But I think she cared so much about you that the idea that you could potentially find someone else scared her. She wanted to stave off the hurt by being able to say, ‘I told him he could do this,’ if you ever did break up with her.”

The tears I’d been fighting all morning long finally came out. “I wouldn’t do that to her,” I said sadly. Even if by some chance I actually found another girl I liked more than Haley—and I couldn’t even imagine one—I wouldn’t want to sneak around and date someone else behind her back…even if she’d given me permission to do just that.

The tears were quiet and I wasn’t sure Mom noticed them at first. After a moment, she reached into the console between the seats and pulled out a tissue that she handed me. I wiped my eyes with it. “I know that,” Mom said, her eyes still on the road. We were quiet for a while and I threw the tissue away. “First love is tough, Jordan,” she said finally. “You want so bad to make it work, but it doesn’t usually. You’re still growing up, even though you’re an adult. Even though neither one of you sets out to hurt the other, you end up growing apart and doing just that.”

She had a faraway look in her eyes. “You’re not talking about me and Haley anymore, are you?” I asked.

Mom shook her head. “No. I’m talking about my first love.”

“You mean you don’t think of Dad as your first love?”

Mom laughed. “You don’t think your dad is the only guy I ever dated?” she asked.

“No…” I said slowly. Actually, I kinda had thought that. “I just didn’t realize that you’d had other boyfriends that you loved like that.”

“Oh yeah.” Mom changed lanes and then briefly looked over at me. “I’d call your dad my fourth love. No, probably my fifth. In any case, I dated a boy when I was sixteen. Tommy. I loved him so much. He went away to college like you’re doing, and he got me a promise ring, saying that if I were only two years older, he’d buy me an engagement ring instead.” I blushed, thinking of the box that I’d told Adam to throw away. It wasn’t a promise ring and definitely not an engagement ring, but Mom could have been telling my story right now other than that.

Mom went on. “We started out okay doing the long distance thing. We’d call and talk every Sunday night, and we wrote letters all the time. But as time went on, the letters and calls became less common. We just both got busy with other things. I definitely never cheated on him, and I’m fairly certain he never cheated on me. But when he came home that summer, we had all the time in the world to spend with each other. And we found out that we were just two very different people than we had been the year before. We got into a fight and broke up. I gave him back his ring, and I didn’t see him again for several years after that.” I shook my head in sympathy. “But a short time later I met Frank, who was my second love. And Tommy, he met a girl off a school and married her. Actually,” Mom laughed, “I think he’s been divorced a couple times over now.”

I sighed. “I just don’t think I could ever meet another girl like Haley,” I said.

Mom smiled. “Here’s the thing, Jordan. Maybe Haley will realize she’s been silly and call you and you can work it out. And maybe you two will have better luck than Tommy and I did. I hope so. But if it doesn’t end up that way, you won’t ever meet another girl like Haley. You’ll meet another girl that has some of the qualities you love in Haley, but others that you didn’t even know you were looking for. Each failed romance helps you figure out what you need in a partner. Tommy wasn’t the right guy for me. And neither was Frank or the other two men I loved before your dad. But they helped me figure myself out enough to be in the right place when your dad came along.”

“Did you ever tell any of them you were going to set them free and let them date other girls?”

“No,” Mom answered, “I’ve never done that. But I’m sure that in Haley’s head, she had a very good reason for that.”

I replayed our conversation in my mind, and one line stuck. She had said, ‘I’m sure I’ll just end up driving you away.’ Suddenly, I understood exactly what this was all about. “She’s afraid that she’s going to do something to hurt me, so she wanted to give me an out before she did that,” I said slowly out loud, more to myself than to Mom, “What she didn’t realize is that her actions to prevent from hurting me hurt me more than anything else she could have done.”

Mom made a sympathetic noise. “Why do you think she’s afraid of hurting you?” she asked.

I think she wanted me to realize the truth to her earlier statement that Haley did actually care about me more than I realized, but that’s not where my head went. “She’s got issues,” I said. Mom raised her eyebrows. “Something happened to her once, and she’s got all these walls and barriers since then. I agreed that I wouldn’t try to break them down too fast or without her permission, but it turns out that she’s needing a lot more time to get past things than even she thought.” I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing I were hugging her. “I think she was afraid I’d get tired of being patient and just give up on her entirely.”

Mom looked surprised. “What exactly happened to her, Jordan?” she asked, alarmed. I shook my head. If I told Mom, she’d tell Haley’s mother, who I’m pretty certain didn’t know. She definitely would have sent her to see a professional and most likely would have had the guy arrested, and I know neither of those things ever happened. “Is this something her mother should know about? The police?”

I nodded miserably. “Yes and yes. But Mom, it’s been several years. Haley needs to be the one to tell her mom, don’t you think?” Mom nodded reluctantly. “She barricaded herself from the world afterward. I’m pretty sure it’s why she stopped hanging out with Vanessa and all their friends. Byron was able to get past that because she considered him safe, for some reason.” I still didn’t quite understand exactly what had drawn Haley to Byron, although I wasn’t jealous of their friendship particularly. If anything, I was glad they’d had each other—for both of their sakes’.

“I’d always wondered about that myself,” Mom said with a little laugh. “Haley and Byron. By and Hay, right?” I smiled at that. “Two polar opposites in some ways. You don’t get much louder or outspoken than Haley, while Byron at that point was so quiet and conservative. I think they just each needed someone who accepted them for their faults and issues.”

“That sounds about right,” I said after a moment’s reflection. “And I thought I’d found that in her, too.”

Mom glanced over at me again. “Give it time, Jordan,” she said. “She might come back around. If she’s that barricaded and guarded, she might need some time and a little shove to realize she made a mistake.”

I really hoped there was someone around willing to do a little shoving.

 Too bad you couldn’t see See the man that boy could be There is more than meets the eye I see the soul that is inside Avril Lavigne, Sk8er Boi

P

August 2, 2004, I finally passed my driver’s test.

My parents had presented me with my very own car as a reward. It had taken a few hours to slip away from the celebration, but I’d had somewhere I needed to go—and someone I needed to talk to.

I slid behind the wheel of my car for the very first time and I couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. It wasn’t just the freedom that now lay in front of me as it does every new driver. I had a specific purpose in mind at that moment, and knowing that I could finally fulfill it was making me extra happy.

I had looked in the phone book and found the name and address I needed. (Luckily, there’s only one Pike family in Stoneybrook.) Actually, I had had the address on Slate Street tacked up on my wall for nearly two months. I’d meant to go there sooner—or maybe just call—but I knew Vanessa would want to know whether I’d gotten my license. It would have been too embarrassing to tell her I’d made the same stupid mistake for a third time. So I’d vowed to wait until I could indeed show her my new ID.

Actually, I’d been a little worried that Vanessa had been a lot less interested in me than I was in her. Obviously, I’d piqued her interest that day at the DMV, but I’d kind of hoped she’d wait around to see if I’d made it. I’d planned to give her my number—if not necessarily my name—after the test. But she’d been gone when I’d come back, and I was pretty sure she’d forgotten all about our little encounter, even if I couldn’t.

But then she and her two friends had stolen my skateboard at the mall the other day. That told me one of two things. Either she was a kleptomaniac and she was really bad at it (unlikely, but funny) or she had wanted me to see her taking my board. That meant she was interested in me enough that she wanted me to come hunt her down. Assuming she wasn’t really a klepto, I’d decided to give her what she wanted.

No one was home when I arrived at her house, which struck me as kind of weird. I couldn’t remember exactly how many brothers and sisters she had, but I did remember there were quite a few. I’d gone on vacation once with her brother and a mutual friend, and I know her sister also had mutual friends with my sister. I seemed to remember at least one older sister and older brother also.

I parked out front, wondering if this had been a bad idea. How would I explain myself to her mom or someone if they came home and saw me sitting outside their house? “I’m here to see Vanessa, but don’t tell her I came by, because she doesn’t know who I am”?

I guess I got lucky. Vanessa came walking across the grass from the next house over—the one on the corner, facing out onto Burnt Hill Rd—just a few minutes later. I jumped out of the car and waited nervously as she came over. She spotted me as I leaned against the trunk of the car, looking in her direction. “Well, well, if it isn’t LP,” she said shaking her head and half-smiling. “I wondered when I’d find you here.”

Obviously, she’d been looking over my skateboard and found the carving Bill had made. “Well, I had to show you that I eventually did pass my driver’s test,” I said nonchalantly. She was wearing a short black skirt, fishnet stockings and a cropped white shirt under suspenders. Her hair was pulled back on either side with clips that had pink roses on them. She’s clearly gone Lolita since I’d seen her last, but it didn’t make her any less charming in my eyes.

She stopped a couple yards away, raised her eyebrows and jutted out one hip, putting her hand on it. “Oh? And how many tries did it take you?” she asked.

“Five,” I admitted.

Vanessa laughed. “Really? I think you’re just saying that to give you an excuse for not hunting me down earlier.”

I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and removed the newly minted license. “You can see that I got it earlier today,” I pointed out.

She came to me and took the proffered card. “Yes, I do see that…” she said with a grin and a gleam in her eye.

I grinned back at her. “I didn’t just come by to show you that,” I told her as I stuffed my wallet back into my pocket.

“Of course,” she said. “You need your skateboard back.”

I sighed. Vanessa didn’t seem to be catching my hints. “Yup. Definitely.”

“Well, it’s in the garage. Come with me.”

The garage was behind the house. It was totally devoid of cars, but there was enough detritus in there that I wondered how Vanessa—or anyone else—could ever find anything specific. But she went straight to it. “Here you are,” she said, handing it over. I took it from her and spun one of the wheels, not sure how to proceed. I was afraid that any further hints to the real purpose of my visit would also be spinning my wheels. “Does everyone call you P?” Vanessa asked out of nowhere.

“What?”

“The friend you were with last week? He called you P. Does everyone call you that?”

I nodded. “Just about. Only my parents call me by my first name any more. Even my sisters call me P.”

She grinned. “I kinda like that. Think I could get everyone to call me V?” I shrugged at her. “Probably doesn’t matter. It’s just that Vanessa is kind of awkward. It doesn’t have any good nicknames.”

“I like it,” I told her. “It’s a whole hell of a lot better than my first name.”

She blushed a little bit. “We should probably go back out front,” she commented, ducking her head so I couldn’t see her pink cheeks. “My mom should be home soon, and she’ll have my head if she catches me inside a building with a guy.”

Before I knew it we were back at the car. I guessed that the real reason she wanted to head outdoors was so that she could usher me away. I screwed up my courage. “You have any plans tonight?” I asked her.

She snickered. “I told my mom I had to work,” she said, looking around to make sure that no one was listening, “but I really got fired almost two weeks ago.”

“Fired? For what?”

Vanessa shook her head in mock disgust. “This one customer made me remake his ice cream five times. Finally, I told him to go hell.”

Whoa. What kind of girl was this I’d come across? “That’s almost awesome,” I said.

“I know, right?” she laughed. “I kinda wish I hadn’t done it though. I was hoping to work through the school year. Earn enough money to blow this town when I graduate.”

“Well, why don’t you just find another shitty job?” I asked. She grinned at me. “What do you end up doing while you claim to be at work?”

“A little bit of this and a little bit of that,” she commented idly. “I make some mischief, of course.”

This was it. It was now or never. “Well, do you want to go out for dinner with me then?” I asked.

She didn’t even look surprised. “Well, duh,” she said with another grin. She had me flustered. “P, I’ve been hoping you would track me down for seven whole weeks. If I’d known your name, I’d have called you that night and asked you the very same question.” Her cheeks were pink again, but she didn’t look the slightest bit embarrassed. “My friends and I have spent a lot of time trying to find you again. It just took me six fuckin’ weeks to be successful.”

I laughed in disbelief. “I was going to give you my number that day,” I admitted, “but you were gone when I came back from flunking the test again. I blame that completely on you hypnotizing me, by the way.”

Vanessa leaned on my car. “My dad came back and I had to go,” she said. “But as for you flunking…you can’t blame that on me, even if I do give off awesomely hypnotic vibes.”

I opened my back car door and threw my board inside, and then I leaned toward her. “Are you hypnotizing me now?” I asked.

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

I leaned in and kissed her briefly. “Yup. I’m definitely under a spell.”

She looked me straight in the eye, her whole face smiling. “Did you want to go now, or say hello to my whole family? Most of them are going to be home in the next twenty minutes or so.”

I shuddered at the thought of that. “Is it okay if we leave now?” I asked.

She laughed. “Of course. Let me just go inside to leave a note. Do you have a cell phone? My mom’s going to want the number…and of course, so do I.”

I followed her to the back door, but she made me stand in the doorway so that I wasn’t technically inside. Apparently, me just being in the house when her mom came home was cause for a ‘seriously long grounding.’ She wrote the note quickly and left it on the fridge. As she was locking the door behind her, my phone chirped. I looked at the display and turned to Vanessa. “This will just take a second,” I said. She shrugged. “Yo, Bill….No, I’m at Vanessa’s….Yes, I finally got my license….Okay, I’ll ask her….Talk to you later.”

Vanessa had been listening to every word. “Ask me what?” she asked suspiciously.

“Nothing serious,” I said, feeling a little chagrined. “My friend Bill just developed a crush on your short blonde friend you were with last week. He was hoping we could go on a double date sometime if she’s single.”

She laughed. “Well, she literally just broke up with my brother two days ago,” she said seriously, “so I doubt she’s up for it yet. Besides, your friend Bill is presuming quite a bit here.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s assuming you’re going to get a second date and probably more, if he wants us to double ‘sometime.’” She turned to look at me, a smile hiding behind her faux- seriousness.

I smiled back at her. “Well, I’m kinda hoping for that too. I didn’t leave your name and address on my wall for two months for just a one night stand.”

She leaned in toward me. “Let’s see how tonight goes, Mr. Papadakis,” she said, and then she kissed me this time. “And then, we’ll talk.”

 Well I never pray But tonight I’m on my knees, yeah I need some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah The Verve, Bitter Sweet Symphony

Adam

I was the only one home one afternoon. The day before had been the final day of day camp, and I was so glad. Good riddance to other people’s kids. I’d flopped down on the couch and been so aimless that I’d decided to try playing one of Nick’s video games. It was either that or go to my bedroom. I’d been avoiding that.

I wasn’t in the mood to deal with the ghost of Jordan.

I missed him more than I’d expected. He’d always just been there and I’d always taken that for granted. I was betting that things would get easier soon: just eight more days, and then Mom and I were headed off to Ohio. (Dad would be taking Byron down to North Carolina the same day.) Once everything was new and different and interesting, I’d mourn the loss of his presence a lot less. At least, I hoped so.

Nick’s video game wasn’t just distracting me; it was pissing me off. I couldn’t figure out how to work it. It was a lot more complicated than shooting at aliens or pressing a bunch of random buttons and hoping they made my fighter do something decent. I’d just given up and thrown the controller across the room when I heard chuckling from the bottom of the stairs. “That bad, huh?”

I turned to look at Mallory. “The game or my life?” I asked her.

She sat down on the far side of the couch. She was home early from work, but she was wearing her work-style clothes: a pair of khakis, a button-down short-sleeved blouse and sandals. She’d pulled her hair back into a ponytail, but large chunks of it were escaping. “Well,” she began, picking at one sandal until the strap came undone and it fell off, “I wasn’t going to bring it up, but you have looked kind of unhappy the last couple weeks.”

I watched as she took the other shoe off and then curled her feet up under her butt. “Yeah, well, my whole summer has blown monkey balls,” I summarized.

Mal gave me a stare, trying to size me up. After a moment, she shook her head. “Harsh words,” she commented. I nodded. That was true, but it was accurate to how I felt. “What’s been so terrible about it?”

I really didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t really want even a single other person in the universe to know how the past few weeks had gone. “You wouldn’t understand,” I said with a shake of my head.

Mallory was quiet for a moment. “I understand a lot more than you know, Adam,” she said, sounding a little indignant. “You don’t know unless you try me.”

“It’s about sex.” That slipped out without me intending to say it.

Mal laughed. “You think I don’t understand about sex?” she asked in surprise. I shrugged at her. She never mentioned guys ever. Actually, I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d been the one to come out of the closet, quite frankly. “Let me ask you a question, Adam,” she said, and she was smiling a smile I didn’t like. “How many people have all three of you triplets slept with, all together?”

“What?”

“Just answer the question. I’ll explain.”

I looked at her, disgusted. How had we come to be having this conversation, exactly? “One,” I admitted.

She looked thoughtful. “Only one. Really?” I nodded. “And you’re the one, am I right?” I nodded again. “When I was your age, I’d been with two different guys. Now, I’m at three. You think I don’t know about sex?”

Well, that was a surprise. I guess it was just a lot easier for her to keep quiet about her sex life when she was away at school and didn’t have all of us nosing into her business 365 days a year. “Ever had a pregnancy scare?” I asked her.

It was her turn to be surprised. “No. I’ve been very careful and very lucky, I guess. Why? Did Tiffany think she was pregnant?”

I lay back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling, rather than at her. There was a pencil stuck in it that Jordan had thrown there when we were ten. We’d agreed to never point it out and see how long it took for one of our parents to notice it or for it to fall down. Eight years later, it was still there. “She is pregnant,” I admitted, still gazing upward.

Mal didn’t even try to hide her shock. “Adam,” she began, her mouth hanging open.

I cut her off before she could give me any sympathy or anything else. “Don’t worry about me, Mal,” I said. “It’s not mine. She’s been pregnant this whole time.”

Her mouth was still open for a moment longer before she regained her composure. “She was pregnant when she came over for the party?” I nodded, not telling her that Tiffany had thought that was actually when she’d gotten pregnant in the first place. “Did she know?”

I shook my head. “Long story short, I thought it was mine for a while. But the dates just didn’t work out.”

Mal pulled her feet back out from underneath her and put them on the cushion between us. “Poor Tiffany. How’s she holding up?”

I sighed. “I’m giving her some space. She said she needed to get her life in order and it was something she needed to do on her own.”

Mallory nodded. “That’s gotta be tough for her.” I nodded back. “Well, how are you holding up?”

I slumped a little bit. “I should be feeling better than I am. I mean, I cheated God, right? I’m not going to be a father. I should be celebrating…or at least feeling relieved.”

Mal completed my thought for me. “But you don’t.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what that is. Maybe you’re just feeling bad for Tiff.”

I thought about that a moment. I definitely felt for Tiff—not only was she going to go through with the pregnancy—something she didn’t plan for and didn’t appear to want— but she didn’t have too many people standing behind her. “Well, it’s not like I was in love with her or anything. But I do wish her well, no matter what.”

“Maybe you should stop by and see her one more time before you go off to school. Put a little closure to the situation.” I just grunted at her and she rolled her eyes. “Or ignore me all together. After all, what do I know about anything?” I didn’t reply to that, so she changed the subject. “So, have you heard from Jordan? How’s he holding up?”

I became instantly crankier. I actually hadn’t heard from Jordan at all. “I’m sure he’s just fine.”

Mal looked at me sideways. “That’s not what I heard.” I pulled my knees up to my chest and looked away, sulking like a small child. Mallory’s expression changed. “Oh. You don’t know yet,” she assumed with surprise.

“Don’t know what?” She was starting to annoy me.

“Margo answered the phone yesterday and it was Jordan on the other end. She said she could barely understand him.” She leaned over towards me, watching my expression.

“So?” I didn’t get where this was going. “Did he have a cold, or does he already have a Florida accent?”

“No,” Mal didn’t stop watching me. “He was crying. So I talked to Byron, and he said that Jordan and Haley broke up.”

That made twice in one conversation she’d surprised me. The way those two were going, I expected them to at least think they could make a long distance relationship work, no matter how stupid it was. I knew Haley must have been the one behind the split for two reasons. First, Jordan wouldn’t have been crying on the phone to Mom if it had been his idea. Second, every third word out of his mouth for about a year and a half had been Haley. He even talked about her in his sleep, for Christ’s sake. “He hadn’t mentioned that,” I told her. I suddenly understood why he hadn’t been in touch. Given how strong his feelings were, I imagined he was sorta depressed.

Mal stood up and gave me another look. “Think about what I said, okay? And if you want to talk, I’ll be in my room.”

“Sure, thanks.” I had no intention of going to Mal’s room for another talk, but it was easier to humor her. Besides, I didn’t really need to talk to her any further. She’d given me enough of a hint. I went back upstairs and found the phone charger empty. I searched the most logical place to find it, and sure enough, it was on Margo’s bed. I picked it out from among the mess of clothes and left my sisters’ room entirely, instead popping into Nick and Byron’s room.

It was a hot mess. Byron had pulled out every drawer and there was stuff everywhere. He was already starting to pack, putting aside piles of what to take and putting everything else back into the drawers. The only place in the whole room that wasn’t messy was Nick’s bed and desk. I sat down on his desk chair and dialed the phone. “Hello?” a familiar voice said.

“Hi, Maria. Is Tiffany home?”

“Yup. Let me go get her.”

She picked up the phone a few seconds later, sounding surprisingly chipper. “Adam! How are you?”

“Can’t complain.” Obviously, I could complain. I just figured my problems would sound like whines in comparison to hers. “I’m leaving for school in a few days. I was hoping we could get together one last time before I left.”

I could hear her smile. “Great! There are a few things I want to say to you that would be better in person. Are you free this evening?”

I looked at my watch. “I think I’m free now, if that’s okay with you. Let me just check and make sure I have the car. I’ll call you back if it’s not happening, okay?” She agreed to that and we hung up.

I left the phone on its cradle and, despite my previous protests, I went downstairs to Mal’s room. I knocked and she opened the door almost instantly, looking surprised to see me. “Do you need the car right now? I asked.

She gave a self-satisfied smile, realizing I was taking her advice. “No. But I’m pretty sure Byron has to work tonight.”

I nodded. “I’ll be back in time.”

***

Tiffany was sitting out front when I arrived, same as she had been the day I’d picked her up for our appointment. The difference, though, was stunning. She didn’t seem tearful and upset, but instead she smiled as I pulled up. “Adam. It’s good to see you,” she said as I gave her a hug.

“Good to see you, too. You look much happier than you did the last time I saw you.”

“I feel much better than I did that day.” She squeezed my arm and then let me go. “Do you want to go inside, or sit out here?”

“It’s not too hot today. Let’s sit out here.” We plopped down in the grass, same as we had done in the park when she’d told me she was pregnant. “What’s changed for you?”

She turned her face to the sun and smiled again. Suddenly, she was the girl she’d been when we were younger—the first time we’d dated: she’d had the life returned to her. “Everything. Where do I start?” She twisted her head so that it was still turned up but she was looking at me, sitting beside her. “My mom has been so cool. I expected her to kick me out, or just tell me I was on my own. But she has been absolutely amazing.”

I was almost as surprised as she was. “That’s great.”

“Yeah. I think part of it was that she felt like she’d failed me or something, like this was all her fault.” Tiff unfolded her legs and put them out in front of her, leaning back on her hands. “But in any case, she’s on my side. She’s taking me out to get some stuff this weekend.”

I folded my legs up under me. “What kind of stuff?” I asked.

“Maternity clothes. My pants don’t fit any more, see?” She pulled her shirt tight around her middle and showed off her belly, which had gotten larger in the past two weeks. I couldn’t believe how round it was. You couldn’t see it unless she showed it off like that, but she definitely had a baby belly. “Plus, we’re going to get a crib and a changing table and a few other things.”

I was surprised. “You decided to keep the baby?”

She sat back up. “Yeah. I wasn’t sure at first. I kept going back and forth. But I stopped to think about it. I feel like I was given this for a reason. I wasn’t going anywhere with my life, ya know?” I shook my head, not sure what she meant. “I had no direction. I was going to school, but I didn’t know what I wanted to study. I wasn’t really into it. I didn’t have any plans like you do, and like my sisters do.” She put one hand on her belly and smiled. “But this baby…now I have a purpose. My life’s got direction. I’m going to be someone’s mom. I need to figure everything else out so that I can be good at that major role.”

I felt a little uncomfortable because I didn’t quite relate. I nodded anyway, wanting her to go on. “My whole life is going to revolve around this little man. He’s going to be the center of my universe.”

I finally smiled. “Or she,” I said.

She shook her head, her own smile getting bigger. “No, it’s a boy. I had an ultrasound earlier today. I’m getting used to the feel of that gel on my stomach.” We looked at each other briefly and then looked away, remembering how panicked and unhappy we’d felt the last time she’d had an ultrasound. Hard to believe that was only a couple weeks ago. “This time, I got to see the baby wiggling around and moving. He’s already almost a person, Adam. I couldn’t believe how much he looked like a baby. That’s when I decided I definitely was going to keep him. And so they told me they were fairly certain he’s a boy.”

A baby boy. What if it had been my baby? Would I have been as excited and happy as she seemed to be now? Maybe it wasn’t something I needed to worry about. “That’s great, Tiff,” I commented, glad she was feeling better about herself.

“Isn’t it? I never thought I’d be happy about something like this. I mean, being a single, teenaged mom is supposed to ruin your life, not make it better. But it’s given me focus. I have to become a better person than I’ve been, for my son’s sake.” Tiffany looked serious for the first time the whole conversation. “I’m already enrolled in some classes for this semester. After that, I’m going to take a semester off and then finish my associates next fall. Then my mom says I can work for her at her real estate office. I can file things for starters and work my way up, and then she’ll help me get a realtor’s license eventually.”

It had only been two weeks since we’d talked last, yet she’d made such a huge step forward in her life plan. “I’m really proud of you,” I said.

“What for?” she asked, confused. “I didn’t really do anything.”

“Yes, you did,” I pointed out. “You talked to your mom, something that has never been your strong point, and admitted something that could have caused a riot in your home. You took control of your life and put together a plan…something else that, by your own admission, isn’t really something you’re good at either.”

She dismissed that. “That was all because of you.”

“Nope. I might have given you a tiny nudge, but you were the one who actually took the plunge.”

Tiff thought for a moment. “I did, didn’t I?” she asked. I nodded at her and she grinned. “But I do need to thank you for a lot of stuff. You were the only person there for me at a time when I needed someone the most. And you did give me that shove. You pointed out so many things to me that should have been obvious but that weren’t.”

I didn’t usually look at my life that way, but it was really nice seeing it through her eyes. She went on. “The best part is that, now that you’re leaving, I have a whole crew of people standing behind me. I’ve got my mom and my sisters. Hell, even Haley called a couple days after we last spoke. She wanted to know how I was doing.”

I was surprised once again. I knew Haley had heard about Tiffany and I assumed Jordan had told her about Tiff deciding to go through with everything. “I’m glad you two are getting along,” I commented.

“I know, right? I guess the one thing I really learned this summer is that we all make mistakes. The key is to forgive other people for as many mistakes as you can, because you want others to do the same for you.”

Would you know, she was right? I knew I had one person to whom I had to do a little repaying for some things I had said. “Have you spoken to Haley in the past few days?” I asked. Tiff shook her head. “You might want to. I think she can use a shoulder to cry on.” She gave me an odd look and I didn’t blame her. Haley isn’t exactly my favorite person in the universe; there’s been no escaping her presence on a regular basis over the past few years. But she didn’t really deserve a couple comments I’d made about her. “She and Jordan broke up before he left for school.”

Tiffany made a sympathetic noise. “I’ll call her in the next couple days before school starts,” she vowed. “Meanwhile, I have another conversation coming up that is definitely not going to be pleasant. I still have to tell Eric what’s going on.” I cringed. I’d never met her ex-boyfriend, but I did know that the two of them hadn’t ended things on good terms. “I’ve called him twice, hoping just to get him to return my call. I figure it will be a lot easier to get him to cooperate if I don’t have to let him know he’s going to be a father by sending him a certified letter from my mom’s attorney.”

We were quiet for a while before she spoke again. “Do you remember when we first met up for coffee and I had a whole list of complaints?” I nodded. “I said I had no friends, my mom never talked to me, my boyfriend cheated on me, my sisters were too busy for me, and I flunked algebra. Well, here we are three months later. I’m on much better terms with my family now. I even talked to my dad for a few minutes, although I didn’t tell him about the baby yet. I spent the summer dating the nicest guy I know.” I couldn’t help but smile when she said that.

Tiffany took my hand as she continued. “And I’m hoping that, even though you’re going away to school, where you’ll meet a whole bunch of new people, and I’m going to be too busy to even consider a relationship, you’ll continue to stay in touch, and I’ll be able to say I have you as a friend.”

I squeezed her hand back. “Of course,” I agreed. “After all, I fully expect you to bombard my email with pictures of your son after he’s born.” She lit up and I laughed. “So you’ve resolved most of your problems this summer. What about algebra?”

Tiff made a face for a moment, but then she smiled again. “Believe it or not,” she said slowly, teasing me, “I passed algebra. Just barely.”

“Well, I guess you’ve got no more problems, then, huh?” I teased her.

She viewed me seriously as I stood up. “Of course, I know that raising a child isn’t going to be easy. There are probably going to be days I regret my choices. But as of now, I’ve never been more sure of anything in my whole life.”

I reached out and took both of her hands and pulled her upright. “I have to go,” I told her sadly, “I have to get the car back by four-forty so that Byron can get to work.”

Tiff gave me one more hug. “Have fun at school, Adam,” she said seriously. “Take care and be safe.”

I hugged her back tightly. “I will. You take care of that little man of yours, too.”

She put one of her hands on her hip and the other on her stomach, jutting her belly forward so it was visible again. “I definitely will. Thanks again for everything.”

I reached the car and put my hand on the door handle, but I turned back around to face you. “Thank you, too. I don’t know if you realize it, but you taught me more than just about anyone I’ve ever known.” She looked surprised, but I said no more. “Bye, Tiff.”

“Bye, Adam,” she replied, a little sadly.

***

I was a little annoyed when I arrived home to discover that Byron didn’t need the car after all. He and Haley had carpooled together. But I got over it pretty quickly. Tiff and I had said everything that needed to be said. Besides, it wasn’t like it had really been goodbye. I knew she was actually going to stay in touch and I was glad about that.

A large amount of my family was gathered down in the basement, watching a movie. I decided I needed to take a little bit of Tiffany’s initiative. I didn’t go join them down in the rec room, an easy choice. Instead, I went up to my bedroom. Jordan’s bed was still there and still in the half-made state in which he left it. But other than that, it seemed devoid of his presence. He’d taken down his Yankees poster and removed every item off his dresser and desk. In fact, his desk was so empty that I found Margo in front of it, putting things in it. “What are you doing?” I asked her incredulously.

She sniffed at me. “Mom said that Claire and I have to keep sharing a room, even though this bedroom is going to be empty after you leave. But Jordan told me I could use his desk, since it’s empty.”

I just couldn’t believe that. Actually, I could, if I was honest about it. I sighed. “Fine. But do me a favor and keep your crap out my room until I leave for school, okay?”

Margo rolled her eyes. “Whatever. You sure are cranky.”

She started to gather up her stuff and I thought about what Tiffany has said. “Margo. Wait.” She looked up. “Never mind. Just go ahead and leave your stuff there. I’m sorry I was so short with you.”

Margo raised her eyebrows. “You feeling okay, Adam?” She didn’t wait for an answer, just headed out of my room, leaving her box of desk supplies on top of the desk. “I’ll wait until you’re not around to do this. Sorry I surprised you.”

I waited until she left and looked at her box of girly pens, paper clips and other garbage. I shook my head and went downstairs and to the computer, which had been moved to the living room when Mal had taken over the office. I pulled up my email and started writing.

To: ct_yankee_fan_00 From: ladiezman47 Subject: how is it going? Hey man…I heard about you and Haley. Hope you are doing okay. Let me know if you need to talk or anything. I know you’re busy with training right now but drop me a line when you’re free. Adam

 And when the rain Beats against my window pane I’ll think of summer days again And dream of you Chad and Jeremy, A Summer Song

Jeff

I’d already worked my last day at Kitchen & Bath. Byron and I had gone in together to put in our two weeks’ notice. Saturday had been my last day. Wednesday was his.

So despite the fact that I never wanted to see that place again, I’d made arrangements to head back out there Wednesday afternoon, right as he was getting off work. Mom was in the planning phase of a project, so she was working from home and didn’t need her car. It amazes me on a regular basis how she can put together these elaborately designed, beautiful rooms and then turn around and do weird shit like leave the mail in the freezer.

I was getting ready to leave the house when my sister came out of her bedroom. “All packed?” Dawn asked. The two of us were leaving for California the next day.

“For the most part,” I said breezily. Dawn had been getting on my nerves a bit recently, but she was starting to mellow out. I guess she’d realized that, despite the apparent changes, I wasn’t really any different than I had been before she’d left for Peru almost fifteen months earlier.

“Me too,” she commented as she followed me down the stairs. “I can’t wait to get back to California,” she added.

“Connecticut treating you that badly?” I asked, looking at her sideways.

“Noooo,” she said slowly. “It’s not Connecticut specifically. I’ve just been away for so long, constantly moving and traveling. I’m ready to go home.”

I nodded. “I can understand that. Question is, where is home these days?”

Dawn smiled at me. “And that’s a very, very good question.” She sat down at the kitchen table, where she’d left a book earlier in the day. The book was in Spanish and even though I took four years of Spanish in high school, I couldn’t translate the title. “I think that’s the trouble with this age we’re both in. We want to be adult and independent, but we haven’t cut the ties to our parents’ homes yet.”

I nodded at Dawn, even though she was sort of talking over my head. How was I supposed to cut ties? No one would let me. She went on. “I guess I don’t know whether I mean my apartment with my college friends, or whether I mean Palo City with Dad and Carol and Gracie…and you.”

I sat backwards in a chair and she picked up her book. All the time she’d been trying to talk to me since she’d breezed back into my life, she’d been trying to get me to talk about my life. This was the first time she’d really opened up about hers. “Maybe it’s a little of both,” I suggested. Dawn smiled. “They say home is where the heart is, after all,” I added idly, spewing forth a horrible cliché.

Dawn’s face drooped a little. “I guess home is back in Lima at Universidad Nacional Mayor de San Marcos,” she said with a sigh.

“Ohh-hh?” I asked, my pitch rising a little as I neared the end of the word. She looked at me with almost a hint of a smile. “Who is he?”

She shook her head. “Does it matter?” she replied. “We were together for most of the year. We vowed to stay in touch. I was even going to save up for a plane ticket back to Lima for Christmas.” I nodded, urging her to continue. “While I was at Sunny’s in New York, I got an email from him. He said that he’d had fun with me, but it was time for him to settle down and find a nice Catholic Peruvian girl his parents would approve of.” Dawn hadn’t opened her book, but she was clutching it to her chest, as if she could protect her heart from the story. “I loved him, and he was using me for a good time. And then he broke up with me by email! Email!”

Had she been a different girl, Dawn probably would have been crying by then, but she’d learned a long time ago how to toughen herself up. That’s why the show of emotion I was getting was so rare and special. I didn’t even know how to respond to it; I felt awkward. I was only getting one side of the story and I had a feeling there was a lot more to it than that. “Maybe he did care enough that he knew that the breakup was going to hurt you. Maybe he did it because it would be too hard to do over the phone.”

She looked over at me and smiled, just a little bit, at my clumsy attempt to try to cheer her up. “I’ve thought of that too. I know his parents were pressuring him to find a Catholic wife. Maybe it was easier to give into them when I wasn’t there anymore.” She put the book down. “But knowing that it’s over, it’s easier on my heart to just pretend that he was a heartless bastard who just wanted to tell all his friends he scored with the blonde chick.”

Something about the way she’d said the last line made me smile also. Back to resilient Dawn, the tough girl of Palo City. “Whatever helps get you through the day, right?” I joked.

“Right,” she agreed, smiling fully. She looked at her watch. “Aren’t you supposed to meet Byron soon? Don’t be late for your own date on account of my sob story, now.” With that, she picked up the book and opened it about half way through.

I took the hint and headed to the door.

***

I ran into Haley before I saw Byron. She was running a sweeper across one of the floor mats in such a way that I could tell her mind was somewhere else. She looked fairly miserable. It was the first time since we’d left Maine that I’d ever seen her without any make up.

To be honest, I hadn’t been surprised when By told me about Haley and Jordan. I’d been even less surprised about it than he’d been. But I’d seen it coming: she’d decided to let him go because it was easier to be mad at herself for pushing him away than to be mad at him for leaving her. But obviously, that hadn’t made her feel any better about the situation. She saw me coming and she tried to smile, but it was the most pathetic attempt I’d ever seen. Haley is really pitiful when she’s depressed.

I thought I might try to cheer her up by repeating an old joke of her and By’s. “Is it just me, or is this where bad music goes to die?” I asked. She stopped sweeping and turned to me darkly. She tried the smile again, but only one corner of her mouth turned up briefly before returning to neutral. I grabbed her into a one-armed hug. “Hey, Hay,” I said, smiling internally over how that sounded. “It’s going to get better. Trust me on this one.”

She hugged me back with both arms for a moment. “I don’t know about that,” she said softly. Then she turned around and went back to cleaning the carpets.

Byron wasn’t scheduled to be off for another ten minutes or so. I didn’t want to keep him from his work—he was working with Helen and she hates when the employees have personal conversations on work time. Instead I wandered over to the candy bins and chose a couple items. I figured I’d have an excuse to talk to him if I was purchasing something. I headed up towards customer service because he clearly wasn’t at the open register.

I spotted Helen before I got to the counter, running from the bathroom to the registers. “Jeff,” she said, her tone suspicious. “Didn’t you put in your notice? What are you doing here? If you came to pick up your last pay check, you’ll have to wait until Friday, same as everyone else.”

I sighed and stifled an eye roll. “Nope. I’m here as a shopper.” I held out my chocolate for her inspection.

She eyed it, and me, critically, but didn’t say anything before she turned away from me. She spotted Haley cleaning another carpet in front of the registers. “Hay, what are you doing up here? Shouldn’t you be back in china helping with the transfer?”

Hay bit her lip; she was clearly not in the mood to deal with Helen today. “They said there were too many people working on that today. I was asked to sweep the floor mats until they needed me or until it’s five,” she said meekly, not looking at Helen, but instead at her own feet.

Helen didn’t appear to believe her, but she waved it away with a single hand gesture. “Never mind that. Someone’s made a mess of one of the toilets in the ladies’ room. I need you to get some gloves and the cleaner and deal with it.”

Now Haley looked panicked. “I’m sorry, Helen,” she said, knowing this was not going to go well, “but I can’t clean the toilets. I’m allergic to the cleaner.”

I know Helen remembered the time a couple weeks ago when Haley had an anaphylactic reaction to the toilet cleaner. One of the other managers had been ready to call 911 and have her carted off to the hospital, but Haley had managed to get breathing again before that had to happen. The rest of the management had pretty much banned her from even going near the cleaning supplies since then.

But Helen wasn’t having any part of that. She looked livid that Haley had even dared to disagree with her, and she raised her voice to get the point across. “That’s nonsense. You’re just trying to get out of doing your job. Stop being lazy and get to work. I need you to get it done now. If those toilets aren’t cleaned by the time you leave, I’m going to write you up.”

Haley’s not usually one for tears in the work place, but with her already low mood and the threat of a write up, she looked like they weren’t far away. It didn’t help that several customers had overheard the exchange and were all staring at the two of them. I stiffened, ready to jump in on her behalf, but another voice piped up first. “Helen,” he said quietly. I hadn’t heard Byron come up, but he was now standing between Helen and the counter, a few feet from us. His face was set and stern, but his voice was low and steady. “I don’t want to overstep my bounds, but I don’t think this is appropriate. Hay is allergic to the toilet cleaner, so you’ve asked her to do something she cannot do. She is not being lazy or trying to get out of her job responsibilities.” Helen whirled around upon him, but before she could say anything, he continued. “Even if she were, I don’t believe this is an appropriate conversation to have on the sales floor, with customers and other employees listening.”

Helen obviously couldn’t believe that By had dared to speak up. I almost couldn’t believe it either; he wasn’t exactly the type to defy an authority figure, even one as uneven and unfair as Helen was being. But there was something else I was thinking about. It was the way he had done it: he’d stayed calm and he’d stated the facts. Even though it wasn’t his intention, he’d basically made Helen look foolish because he’d been able to be more mature about the situation than she was being. “Byron. Go back to the customer service counter and sort the returns. Leave me and your girlfriend to have our conversation.”

Byron raised his eyebrows but not his voice. “Hay is not my girlfriend, as you’re well aware.” He looked over briefly at me and I smiled encouragingly at him. “However, she is my best friend. And even if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t just stand by and let you speak to her like that.”

Most of the customers had moved on by that point, but one or two were still standing around. Helen opened her mouth to speak, but before she had a chance, an office door opened between the front door and the customer service counter, and a man stepped out. “Byron? Hay? Can I speak to you for a moment?” Jason the store manager said from the door to his office. I stepped away from the group of people and up to the registers to pay for my purchase. “Helen, do me a favor,” he continued. “Get Tanya to clean the bathroom.”

I walked up to the open register, where one of the cashiers, Morgan, was working. She looked at me with wild eyes. “What the hell was that all about?” she asked me quietly as she rang through the Heath bars.

I shook my head at her. “The culmination of three years of friendship,” I said. Morgan stared at me and I just shook my head again. “Never mind. It’s hard to explain.”

It was five-ten before the three of them emerged from the manager’s office. I leaned against the wall next to the exit door as Jason shook By’s hand. “Thanks for all your hard work this summer. If you’re in town again next summer, call us and we’ll definitely find you a spot.” He turned to Haley. “So, Hay, come in tomorrow about one and we’ll start your training. I think this is going to work out to everyone’s benefit.” She was looking a little less upset, and she managed a smile at him. “You two go ahead and clock out. Helen,” he called, seeing her about to head behind them to the back of the store, “Can I talk to you next?”

Byron and Haley took a little longer than normal getting back up front. Seems a couple of people had overheard part of the conversation and wanted to know details. They hadn’t really done any gossiping, but it had taken a while to extricate themselves from the situation. I was still leaning by the doors when they came out. Byron had his arm around Haley and he gave her a squeeze. “I told you everything was going to be okay,” he said.

She looked like she’d been crying, probably just a few tears, but tears nonetheless. I wordlessly handed her one of the Heath bars. “What’s this for?” she asked as she wiped the other hand across her eye.

I shrugged at her. “No real reason. Just thought you could use it. Chocolate’s supposed to solve everything for girls, isn’t it?”

Hay laughed, looking almost happy, however briefly. “You’re something else, Jeff,” she said. By let her go and she gave me a tight squeeze. “I’ll miss you. Be good,” she told me as she let go.

“Never,” I said. She gave one last little smile and then dug her car keys out of her pocket. She waved to me with the hand holding the chocolate bar and then headed out to the parking lot.

I turned to Byron, who smiled at me. I grabbed him into a big hug also, and capped it off with a kiss on the lips. “What was that for?” he asked, his cheeks turning a little pink. He’d long since come to expect surprises out of me and as such, he didn’t generally blush as much as he had when we’d first started out.

I looked around. We were standing on camera by the entrance door, and Morgan, who was between customers, was smirking at us, but I really didn’t care. “Do you have any idea what you just did there?” I asked him.

He looked at me sideways. “No,” he said slowly, trying to figure out what I meant. “But whatever it was, obviously it was sort of a turn on for you,” he added quietly.

I laughed. I couldn’t believe he’d just said that, even in a whisper, in a public place. “A big one,” I agreed. I waved goodbye to Morgan, who waved back at the two of us, and then I took By’s hand in mine. “Let’s get out of here,” I suggested.

***

I didn’t get a chance to talk to Byron about what had happened with Helen until later in the evening. We didn’t head back toward Stoneybrook but rather I drove until we got to a restaurant in Stamford. Just one look at the place from the outside and you could tell it was fancy—and expensive. “Jeff…” By began as he took a look around at the internal décor.

I cut him off. “Not a worry. You are totally worth it. Anyway, what am I going to do with my money once I get back home to California? I’d rather spend it on you than waste it on crap with the gooneys back there. C’mon.”

I’d warned him to dress up, and we were both wearing ties. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be a dress code. Despite that, no one seemed really thrilled to see us. I never did figure out whether it was our age or that we were two guys holding hands. We were quickly escorted to our reserved table.

We were both a little ill at ease. Byron seemed nervous—he was fidgeting with his hands— but I was just a little bit ticked off. The host had seated us without comment, slapping our menus down on the table. I wasn’t really upset that he didn’t tell us about the wine selection like he did everyone else, but I would have liked to hear what the specials of the day were. Even though I had my fake ID with me, I wasn’t planning on drinking. It wasn’t really Byron’s thing, not to mention the fact that I had to drive us back home. I actually hadn’t had a drink all summer. I wasn’t an alcoholic or anything, but that had to be some kind of record for me since I’d had my first drink at fourteen.

The two of us sat there looking at each other for a moment, not sure where to begin. Despite all the time we’d spent together, we didn’t go out to ‘real’ restaurants like this very often. I reached across the table and took his hand, which he’d been tapping anxiously onto the table repeatedly. I don’t even think he was aware he was doing it. He relaxed a little and smiled at me. He even started talking. “Haley seemed like she was feeling a little better today,” he commented.

I tipped my head to one side, looking him over closely. Sure, I had photos of him, but I wanted to remember every little bit of his face—every little gesture and expression. It was four months until I could come back to Connecticut…if I could even make it then. “Sure, if you consider the fact that she only cried a couple tears today an improvement.”

“Sadly,” he said with a shake of his head, “it actually is. For someone who essentially pushed Jordan out of her life, she’s taking the fact that he’s gone extremely hard.” I nodded sympathetically. “Yesterday, she cried the whole way to work…while she was driving.”

I picked up my menu and he did the same. By looked it over for a moment and then looked at me over the top. “Interesting menu,” he said. “Where did you hear about this place?”

I was drooling over a couple of the options. “It’s where Mom and Richard go every year for their anniversary because they both find things they like. I thought it was appropriate.”

He smiled, looking a little sad behind the happy expression. “It’s not an anniversary for us…is it?” he asked quietly.

“Not that I’m aware of,” I said. I decided on an order and put the menu down. He looked at me questioningly. “I’m not much of one for celebrating three month or five month anniversaries. It’s kind of silly.” Byron was still holding the menu upright, but he wasn’t looking at it. His eyes were focused exclusively on mine. “I guess I’m just hoping this is a first that we could celebrate an anniversary for in a year.”

He lit up. “I love the way that sounds.” I had to grin back at him; it was the first time he’d seemed really enthusiastic all evening.

We ordered and then he was back to drumming his hand on the table. I couldn’t figure out what was bothering him. I watched his knuckles as he nervously twitched. After a moment, I caught his hand under mine. He looked startled and I grinned at him. “What’s bugging you?” I asked.

He looked away for a moment and I could tell he didn’t want to answer that. I changed topics, hoping to ferret it out of him later. “How’s the packing going?”

Byron looked relieved. “Not too bad. Almost done, in fact. Actually, I’ve packed so much that I have to keep unpacking things I need that I thought I was done with.”

I laughed. “I’ve done that before.” He actually managed a smile. “How about Adam?”

It was his turn to chuckle. “He hasn’t started packing yet. He seems to be putting it off to the last second. He hasn’t said it, but I think the sight of his room emptying out is upsetting him. He’s been quieter and less social ever since Jordan left.”

I could understand that. It’s hard leaving your best friend…or watching him leave you. “And what about Jordan? How’s the freedom treating him?”

I had meant the freedom of college life, but that’s not how By took it. “I think he’s taking things even harder than Hay is,” he said after a moment’s pause. “I can’t be sure, because I’ve only heard from him by email, but she’s all that he wants to talk about. He’s asking how she’s doing, but I can’t bring myself to lie about it…or tell the truth.”

Something about his tone made me pause. I was still gripping his hand and I squeezed it. “Why is Hay and Jordan’s breakup bothering you so much?” I asked.

I could tell I’d hit the nail on the head by the way he broke eye contact. “I just hate seeing them both hurt so bad. Especially because their pain is just because they’re both being stubborn and prideful.”

I leaned over to him, still not letting go of his hand. “I think there’s more to it than that. You’ve never said so, but I’m certain you constantly draw parallels between our relationship and theirs.” By finally looked at me again. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you even had Venn diagrams in your head.”

I’d been hoping to make him smile. Instead, he stared at me for a moment, completely seriously, and said, “It completely amazes me the way you can read my mind.”

“I love you. I want to be able to read your mind.”

He grimaced for a moment. “I can’t even come close to understanding you the way you get me.”

I couldn’t believe he said that. “You understand me better than you think. You dig deep, By, and that’s why I get so frustrated sometimes.” I ran one hand across his jaw. “Besides,” I joked, “My mind is rather unfathomable.”

He pulled his hand away from mine with a sigh. “I guess I really am transparent, then,” he said, sounding sad and a little frustrated.

“Transparent?” I was confused. “What makes you think you’re transparent?”

Byron looked away for a moment before turning his attention back to me. “It’s what Hay said to me when she told me she knew I was gay.” I wasn’t sure why being easy to read was an insult to him, but obviously he took it that way.

I didn’t want to belittle or wave away his concerns, but I needed to point out something. “That’s Haley, though. She’s your best friend. Her being able to read you doesn’t mean you’re transparent.”

He didn’t seem comforted by that. “Well, what about the fact that some of my family members knew I was gay before I ever told them? Mom, Margo…I think Dad might have suspected, too.” He didn’t give me a chance to reply. “Even that idiot Dan knew.”

“Dan?” I repeated. “Wasn’t he the one that wrote things about you in the bathrooms?” By nodded. “From what you’ve said, he called half the school gay. You think he’s right even a fraction of the time? Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day.” I smiled gently at him and took his hand again. “Imagine we were at Pizza Express right now. If I wasn’t holding your hand, do you think anyone would know we were on a date?”

By bowed his head for a moment, but then he looked back at me. “How do you always know exactly what to say?” he asked.

“It’s a gift,” I joked, and he actually smiled.

***

Our food was served shortly thereafter. It wasn’t until we were nearly done eating that I brought up the afternoon’s events. “What happened with you and Hay and Jason earlier?” I asked.

He perked up; before that he’d been ready to fall into a food coma. “He wanted to know about the various run-ins we’ve had with Helen throughout the summer. After we told him just about everything—I left out the time she caught us in the parking lot—he let us in on a secret.” I raised my eyebrows. “He said they’d gotten numerous complaints about her from the staff and the customers. Because of it, she’s getting transferred to another store…and demoted.”

“Whoa,” I said. That was actually pretty serious. “So what was this training Haley’s going to be doing?”

Byron smiled more fully. “They’re not promoting anyone to replace Helen. Instead, Jason’s going to train a couple people to do various parts of her job. He wants Hay to be one of two closing supervisors on the front end, to count money and supervise the cashiers. There aren’t enough brides for the number of the consultants most of the time and that’s why she usually ends up wrapping gifts or cleaning random stuff. Jason says that’s squandering Hay’s talents, and I agree.”

Our plates were cleared right about then. I looked at him as he carefully placed his napkin to his lips one last time before he relinquished it. I finally got a chance to say what had been on my mind all evening. “Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?” I asked.

He froze for a moment, as if checking for sarcasm. “For what?”

“For the way you stood up to Helen.”

By looked embarrassed. “What was so great about that?” he wanted to know.

I answered his question with a question. “How often through the past three years has Hay fought your battles for you? Done something like, I don’t know…punch your brother in his face on your behalf?”

He grinned at the memory, but the grin faded as he remembered where Hay and Jordan stood now. “All the time,” he admitted.

I carried on. “And how often have you stood up for her?” His face sagged, but I didn’t let him speak to the negative. “In the past, that’s the way it needed to be. She spoke up for you, and you supported her. But this time, she needed you to stand up for her and you stepped right out of your comfort zone.”

He looked distinctly uncomfortable. “I still don’t get it,” he said. They brought the check and I snatched it before he could even look at it. By got distracted from his confusion and gave me a stern look. “You know the deal,” he said. “You pay, I leave the tip. I pay, you leave the tip.”

I shook my head at him. “Not tonight. This is completely on me. You can do the same next time we see each other.” I tucked a sum of money in with the bill and set it on the table, covering it with one hand so he couldn’t grab it and try to put money in it. “Let me finish complimenting you, okay? I know you don’t get what’s so awesome about what you did. You never see your finest points, you know that? Only the downsides to everything you do.” He nodded his agreement to that, however tentatively. “You’re probably looking at this thing with Helen as ‘Oh no, I told off my boss.’ But I’m seeing it as you stood in front of Hay when she needed you to, and you were calm and mature. You were way more of an adult than Helen was, that’s for sure.”

Byron had ducked his head again during the conversation. “Why don’t I see myself the way you see me?” he asked, still looking away.

I grinned and took his jaw in my hand again, pulling his face back up so he was looking at me. “We never do see ourselves the way others see us.” He locked his gaze into mine. “Tell me, Byron. How do you see me?”

He thought for a moment, pulling his words together. “You make me want to go out and live life, instead of hiding from it. You’re braver than I could ever be—facing your problems head on.” He leaned in toward me. “I love that about you, Jeff.”

“And I love that you make me stop and think twice about stuff. My dad’s favorite word for me is reckless, and I know sometimes I act and speak first and then think later. You’re more careful and that makes me want to be more careful.”

By’s eyes were shining again, but he looked a little playful. “This is really sappy, you know that?” he said.

I laughed heartily. “Yeah. I never thought I’d want to be sappy. But I also never thought this,” I gestured to him and then the table as a whole, “would happen. Remember back in Maine when I said sometimes the best things in life were surprises? Well, you’ve been the best surprise of all.”

I stood up and offered him my hands. He stood up before he took them both. “You really think we’ll survive the time and distance this year?” he asked, going back to his old fear that I hadn’t completely squashed.

I nodded. “Yes. I’m completely certain of it. I love you, you love me, but more than that…I don’t think there’s anyone out there who could complement me better than you do.”

Bryon smiled. “Kinda like soul mates,” he said. I nodded a second time and squeezed both his hands before I let him go. “I guess it’s not a worry, then, huh?”

I shook my head. “I know you. You’ll find enough things to worry about this year. My love shouldn’t be one of them.”

He took one hand again and started walking to the exit. When we were outside, he stopped and pulled my arm, dragging me closer to him. I put my hands on his waist. “Thank you,” he said.

“For what?”

“For dinner. For this summer. For everything.”

I drew him closer. “This is just the start, By. This is just the start.”