#not actually writing anything substantial

[olderthannetfic]

I accidentally killed my own desire to write, and I need some advice. To be really blunt about it, what's the point of writing? When I would spend lots of time laboring over making a good story with a plot and characters who were in-character and connecting all the dots narratively so payoffs were satisfying, my reward was dead silence and virtually no clicks. I posted some mindless smut to my side account one day and got more hits in a day than most of my other works combined got in a year. I know, I know. "Write for ~*~yourself~*~" is the common response. It's the "be yourself!" of writing. It's supposed to be a magical phrase that'll make everything okay. But... I don't like knowing that something I spend months working on won't be read by anyone while something I write in a car while bored got thousands of clicks. I don't like making something I'm proud of and then no one ever looks at it. That's not fun for me. It's not fulfilling.

For a solid decade, I've tried to ignore how the level of interactivity in fandom is falling. Fewer comments. Fewer kudos. No comments in the bookmarks. You put your tumblr and Discord in the AN and get a handful of asks and one person who adds you, talks to you twice and then ghosts you. Most of the comments are "well, actuallys", made even more annoying by them being wrong as opposed to actually correcting an error. I avoid fandom drama, wank, and infighting. I don't engage with things I know will make me unhappy. I try to be happy over in my own little corner. I comment on every single work I read. I want people to enjoy fandom. I used to.

Some dumb smut I wrote in 40 minutes gets five times the hits of the writing I'm most proud of, and it gets it in just under three months. I am not a great smut writer. I haven't stumbled onto an incredible talent I had that makes it so the issue is that I'm so amazing my smut brings all the boys to the yard. People just don't like what I write and put effort into. It's very likely that despite 20 years of writing fic, I suck at writing. And people enjoy my writing most when they don't have to put up with anything substantial and can just skip to the sex.

So for the last eight months, when I write, I just sort of give up. Close the Word doc without saving. No one will read this. No one cares about this. There is no fan eagerly awaiting every update like I await updates from my favorite authors. There's not even someone saying, "update soon!" Close the Word doc. Delete old WIPs. There's no point. I do not tell stories worth reading. I used to. In the FFN days people genuinely enjoyed my work. I'd never have had an opportunity to do the 'I won't update until I get 3 reviews' thing because getting that many on a chapter was usually something I'd do overnight. Post before bed. Wake up. Read the reviews before school. I peaked in high school, I guess.

And now I'm just sort of lost. I still have lots of ideas. Ideas for fics fall into my head all the time. That's never been a problem. What I don't have is any motivation to write them. What's the point of writing? If no one else is reading, I guess the point would be so I could go back and read my own story and have fun with it. Write for myself. But I can review the story and have fun with it in my head without writing it down. It's substantially faster and more importantly, isn't incredibly depressing.

So, at the risk of definitely being calld the second-coming of True Art Anon or a troll or validation-seeking or haha mentally ill haha... what's the point of writing?

--

Okay, so write porn in a car while you're bored.

Look, you can whine all you want about my response, but what you've written here is blatantly about depression.

Lots of people in fandom are still interacting. And no, it isn't just on fics that are objectively written to some pro fiction standard or whatever. Teenagers still breathlessly review poorly spelled cracky masterpieces about this year's big anime and so forth.

Yes, there may be reasons why you in particular are in a slump when it comes to fandom friendships or "plz update" comments. We can talk about that. But this ask is all gloom about fandom in general. That's not realism: that's you having a problem.

--

As for why a person should write: because the actual hours you spend doing the writing are fun.

If they aren't pleasurable in some way, find another hobby.

--

But if you want an answer to the age old "Why did my 5 minute fic get 1000000x more asspats", I've seen meta about this for literally decades.

The most likely reason is that the fic we write quickly and without much thought often feels fresher and more fun. The things we labor over endlessly can feel overworked. Even in cases where they don't, they're often heavier subject matter or more niche subject matter. On top of all that, we just care more, so even a high level of feedback doesn't really feel like enough for the effort and care we put in.

--

Do you really need me to tell you why you don't feel the same as in high school when things were fresh and new?

Go read up on combatting burnout or dealing with post-college anxiety or managing stress in a dead-end job in your 30s or finding meaning in your 40s or whatever is going on.

Everyone goes through fallow periods in fandom and in life.

Feeling reinvigorated has to do with internal factors and some general life circumstance stuff. It doesn't have that much to do with number of kudos. That's just the surface trigger for a mood that was already there.

[pinnithin-writes]

i need to get my ass in another fiction workshop course next semester so im pressured to write something actually interesting

[itslikepullingteeth]

okay gonna make a list of the animals that inspire the appearance of each of the ghouls (starting with current band ghouls because i have been a fan for a year and a half so my grasp on the older ghouls is tenuous at best lol) in my head. they aren’t exactly 1:1 of these animals; it’s more so bits and pieces i mix to make their image.

each element in my head corresponds to specific families of animals. ghouls are humanoid, but very much not human in my hc. very predator coded (i am in love with every author who writes murder ghouls, you guys get me)

fire- reptiles, serpents, very dragon-like (cliche, sue me), these ghouls are all wicked sharp claws and fangs. they may have a laidback, leisurely air about them majority of the time, but they are ruthless hunters. capable of remaining preternaturally still until their prey comes into range, then striking quicker than the blink of an eye. some fire ghouls are capable of producing venom

earth- ungulates (especially bovine, deer, goats), large wildcats, most commonly hooved though some may have paws. thick, heavy fangs, vicious claws. these ghouls are excellent persistence hunters, they may not strike as fast as fire, but their stamina is unmatched and they never lose a scent- they will chase you down until you physically can no longer run

water- fish, marine mammals, amphibians, aquatic reptiles. these ghouls have many very sharp fangs, and their claws are barbed/serrated to keep their prey pinned while they tear out chunks with their razor sharp teeth. sleek and lean, these ghouls are made for speed, land or water. the serration is universal, whether the ghoul is more fresh- or saltwater aligned

air- birds, especially raptors and corvids, bats, insects. basically any creature capable of flight. these ghouls rely more on their claws/talons than their fangs- but don’t underestimate their bite! air ghouls can be the most aggressive of all elements. they are frighteningly light footed, you’ll never hear them coming. they can move effortlessly from treetop to treetop, rafter to rafter, dropping down like an angel of death onto their prey. air ghouls also have little care for if their prey is dispatched or not before they begin eating, they will simply dig in as you thrash and scream, pinned by their talons

quintessence- hardest to pin down, due to the unknowable nature of dark matter/quintessence they can appear with the most variation in characteristics. most commonly they’ll have ursine, canine, or feline features. quints are the most prolific hunters of ghoulkind. while many of them can end their prey with a thought, they often draw out the hunt, relishing in the fear. quints will stalk from the shadows. you’ll never know they’re coming until it’s too late. they play with your mind, slowly feeding into your fear. it’s like when horror movies use extremely low frequency sounds; you can’t hear them but you feel it- that creeping sense of dread that gets bigger and bigger the closer the killer gets, until suddenly you’re panicking and you can’t breathe and oh my god did that shadow just move? and-

mountain: red deer, lion/mountain lion, goat

rain: shark, alligator, axolotl

dew: blue-tongued skink, horned viper

swiss: (hc as a multi, every element) texas longhorn, jaguar, griffon vulture

phantom/aeon: (he’s an earth/quint hybrid to me!) jacob sheep ram, alexander archipelago wolf, vampire bat

aurora: (i hc her as an air/water hybrid) loon, jewel beetle

cumulus: barn owl, bumble bee

cirrus: raven, yellow jacket

sunny: red-tailed hawk, bearded dragon, fire ant

aether: grizzly bear, i love the idea of aeth having tusks but there’s no specific animal i feel like i draw that from it’s a hc i’ve poached lol

[pangyham]

been thinking about the liyue gang and how id draw their physical builds so here are some thoughts i had for xy cy and gm in particular

- xingqiu, unsurprisingly, would be quite lanky. i like to think he has broad-ish shoulders, like a thin athlete's build? hes a long boy to me haha, long face, neck, limbs, fingers etc, so naturally hes stands (comparatively) tall at 5'6" or 5'7"

i like to think hes most physically attractive one and has that handsome princely and boyish charm to him because it adds a lot to his fuckass duality LOL

- chongyun is a lot like xiao imo! short stature but with muscular arms. he seems nimble and flexible because of his normal attack animations (which bears a lot of similarities to xiao's actually! this + the fact that chongyun's normal attacks create gusts of wind further reinforces my hc that xiao trains him). sometimes i watch high energy choreography vids on youtube and some dancers look incredibly light on their feet, almost like their body is inherently bouncy? and i imagine chongyun to have that agility to him. chongyun has a delicate face and aura and i let that bleed into my hcs for his fighting style and physical capabilities hahaha. hes kind of like a cat who's deceptively strong. as for height.. just a few inches taller than xiao, so perceptibly short at 5'4"

- ga ming my new beloved. pretty much similar to chongyun but more muscular and stronger just because he wields his claymore with ease. theres a noticeable weight different between cy and his claymore the way he lugs it up after he swings (or even other claymore users like razor who, on his last hit, bounces from impact). meanwhile ga ming literally slams his to the ground LOL. i love his movements though hes very swift and expressive and radiant.. if cy has delicate movements then ga ming's is fierce and (charmingly!) assertive

ga ming is wonderfully charismatic though, i know hes not well known in liyue harbor yet, but he seems like the type to gain a reputation from his friendliness. how could no one adore him hahaha. 5'5" for height! just between xy and xq

[all-thestories-aretrue]

Soooooo I wrote this incredibly self-indulgent thing about Miles. I have many feelings about how he keeps himself so tightly in control. It's gotta go somewhere.

Disclaimer it's quite dark, so mind the trigger warning and keep yourself safe <3

TW: self-harm, not what I would consider graphic descriptions, but it is the central theme and way more than a mention

The lock clicks. He slips his suit jacket off. Loosens then removes his tie. Untucked, buttons undone. It’s all laid out on the bed. Step by step. Shoes set to the side and trousers swapped for silken pajama pants.

The bathroom door closes behind him. The second lock between him and the world. The shower comes on. Towel laid out on the counter.

His drawer, second down on the left. He pulls out the small black bag. Gold zipper. Supple leather. Inside, his collection. Three packs of new razor blades. An open pack of blades; used ones tucked into the back. A single hypodermic needle. A crafting knife. Two unopened band aids.

The rest of the drawer’s contents is ignored, antiseptic and suture kits, butterfly closures and rolls of gauze, in favor of practiced hands sliding the tin of blades from the bag and the blade from the tin.

He sits on the toilet, lid down. Elbow straight. Fist clenched. The first slice with a small inhale. Bright and sharp and stinging. Familiar and comforting. Line after line as red blooms from the wounds. The ecstasy second only to the Kiss. Rivulets follow gravity down. Strategically placed tissues catch the mess.

Stained crimson, they fall into the waste basket. He flexes his wrist, testing the pull of the broken skin, blots the last of the blood away. Blade inspected and stowed; everything returned to it’s place. Pajamas folded on top of the toilet, he steps into the shower.

[redwayfarers]

wip roundup

i was tagged some time ago by @lavampira and @galadae to do this, but i'm bad at actual wips because my brain can only focus on one at the time, two tops. however, i do have multiple ideas that are wip and that i may write at some point or another!

so i'm changing the rules a bit, but i will post them here anyways:

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder (nero's case: ideas), regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it!

bridgerton au oneshots (ffxiv, nika and artoirel)

modern/rockstar oneshot (ffxiv-ish, nika and artoirel)

stb spicy (ffxiv, nika and artoirel)

nika, cass and stephanivien (ffxiv)

nika and his mom (ffxiv)

cassmel spicy (wayfarer)

ties that sever, despina chapter (wayfarer)

cass is angry and feels crappy about it, mel is a good partner (wayfarer)

tagging: @roguelioness, @impossible-rat-babies, @archesa, @scionshtola and anyone who feels the urge to do this!!! i'm running a bit late after all rip

[pepprs]

ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do

[sammyloomis]

for someone who uses ao3 almost daily, i sure do love avoiding eye contact with the embarassing amount of fics i just never ever finished and probably never ever will

[listen-to-the-inner-walrus]

.

[ilostyou]

me thinking oh im bored! as if it's not 2am and i have to be up in five hours lol

[youhavereachedtheendofpie]

lol my outline for the next chapter so far is literally just this:

🥲

[lightningbig]

it's not a question of IF I fuck around and make an loz au it's just a question of WHEN

[unproduciblesmackdown]

truly like at any time in any story different elements will be prioritized or somewhat sacrificed for the success of another element / a weakness in one regard could be regarded as a worthwhile tradeoff or otherwise largely beside the point, and billions is so About its themes of like these continual conflicts between people and the ways they can wield power and the reasons that they do so. and characterization isn't prioritized ahead of that, and certainly sometimes it has to be that a strong or even particularly distinct sense of [a character] is weakened/sacrificed for the sake of Conflict Plot, but even as i'm aware that it's being here for the "wrong" reason to be here for characters in their own right, it's like, i think still certainly the theoretical ideal is for less of noticeable casting [characterization] aside and sometimes by "noticeable" it's also certainly like cmon and was that even worth it. and i mean, plenty of people Watch Billions Wrong. all the fans who think the show to them is "isn't axe cool." like, the answer is: no. and the show was never actually Just About Him As Some Character b/c, of course in the end no character is here to get like, an ideal emotional conclusion as their eventual resolution as beloved characters, the only resolution out here is how someone is either driven out or chooses to leave Because Of The Continual Conflict theme.

but anyways this is about further and hopefully all the more in depth / accurate words about how it's like "good god rian is thus far such a failure at having created a character" lmfao it is egregious. hypothetically if they just so happened to switch gears in season 7 and seem to actually create that sense of a distinct individual whose presence matters for being that distinct individual, great i guess. thanks for the season and a half of Not That, and that despite holding out for the end of season 6, it's now like, i cannot muster any investment in whatever this is, save for how we as the audience can be provided character material from taylor instead through any of these interactions. it's unfortunately similar to my arc back in season 4 of a trial period re: assessing wendy's character material with an effort to care, finding it all over the place and wendy's pretty terrible to people in general and obviously taylor in particular often enough, relevant here, which like godspeed i mean but not in a Fun To Dislike way even, and to me she's also not that fun to like, and then i'm most interested when her interactions w/taylor give us more material / information about them, so. ya hate to have those similarities.

anyways, i think a litmus test of feeling out how strongly there is A Sense of Character in material is whether it feels like what people are doing, or more especially, Saying, couldn't be swapped over to another character. like whether it feels like what someone has said couldn't have instead been said by someone else / feels recognizable and feels like it lends relevance to that particular character's presence in the specific scene or like, entire work. and that can just be like, Voice, but just more generally it's ofc like, overall personality, what we understand about this character's tendencies and motivations. and by and large with rian even when she's Doing Something it's her providing plot exposition / an impetus for taylor's subplot, and wherein especially in the business realm of like "oh btw here's a business opportunity that the tmc subplot will be centered around this episodeeee" that's rarely that Character Based. any given employee could provide it, and it's only become Less characterful when rian is the only employee with dialogue who's not winston, such that [idk? quant stuff?] is no longer a reason for rian (or winston) to be the particular person to pitch whatever business move. unspecified undialogued beloved tmc employee todd (i made that up) could be the one behind any and every episode's business plan. even if you believe rian gets a lot of them b/c she's just so talented (which, despite what billions creators say, i'm never thinking abt how amazingly smart everyone on the show must be, and this never interferes w/my understanding of what's going on. and i don't think we are operating from the same ideas re: Intelligence anyways (such as, a quantifiable metric that can be meaningfully compared as superior/inferior between individuals, even if you modify this concept like "well there are many different kinds :)" im sure this will come up again) that theoretical talent doesn't seem to be relevant to her as a character. other employees are also talented and get to pitch things to their boss. taylor does not seem to decide rian is [so literally them] on such a basis alone.

which. i mean we'll surely come back to it later too, but that rian's material in 5x05 through 5x07 was most Quant Duo and was prior to the entire thing that now seems to be her main thing, namely, taylor deciding she's [so literally them], and was As or More distinctly characterful than anything since, when she was also Supposedly getting more [mere plot device / character who doesn't yet truly matter] treatment and merely getting scenes about a dynamic with winston, which were interactions that did serve to elevate her personality. and then in 5x08, being annoyed with taylor also certainly elevates her personality, somewhat true in the "okay, brewing conflict ig" thread since, but where rian then changing her mind completely like haha well alright, if you're projecting, i guess i Will be all in on this job i plan to walk out of soon and be chill about having nothing going on outside work such that i may as well not leave the office and we'd better hope that each other's company is all the social enrichment we could possibly need, end remote work, time to get back to the office or how will we ever go for a walk or have a chitchat….anyways. all her interactions accepting her status as taylor's mirror / continuing that dynamic have much more by and large seemed to diminish / tamp down / opposite of elevate: lower her character. this could be at all on purpose, but it's not enjoyable in [rian's character material]'s own right. it's also not exactly fun and likable that most (or arguably all) of rian's interactions with winston are using and bullying him, but it's again more elevated and actually distinct at all. i'll be frustrated if it never goes anywhere like "being commented on, questioned, criticized, analyzed in the material itself" b/c it'll be pretty hollow otherwise, but it's still the most characterful thing she's got going on imo

already wearied by writing this out lmfao it's just not enjoyable. this funeral dirge. it's Not That Characterful when even in season 6 when taylor has two dialogue capable employees, anything rian puts forth could be pitched by winston, like it could've been sara, or even mafee sometimes, or todd from offscreen. winston not being allowed to operate even as The Default Quant seems more about the not so distinct character trait that rian is simply not winston, who is [autistic character] with it, and the writing is such that that means he's not allowed to even exposit when we can help it, and even "well, it's mathy?" can go to rian now. the gesture at "oh uh winston's thing is The Ruthless Capitalism Counterpoints" is unconvincing re His character when that's never been relevant before, or since, and indeed it seems like rian's just riffing making up some shit based on the very little info she has about him, b/c what she really cares about is it'd be funny to keep him around and antagonize him, and the only person who needs convincing of this is wendy, who also knows nothing about winston, and likewise also only cares about negatively judging his je ne sais quoi and making up shit about that b/c she can. even a gesture at "ohh rian's just so Insightful with True Understanding(tm) versus winston" is not really supported when mase carb exists b/c winston was the one person telling taylor to go for the oil divestment plan when this wasn't even merely about saying "yes the math alone tells me i can reassure you" and if he'd also been like "yeah fuck any ethics re divestment when we can make more money" he could've agreed with sara questioning it or quitting over it. he's also a markedly insightful character, like how he's also markedly Not aggressive or egotistical despite instead interpreting him otherwise….more about this later too possibly lol. it's Insightful even as quant kid 2 to know the only thing axe cap has going for it is taylor; to at all successfully adapt his approach For taylor after a very limited and skewed interaction w/them; to realize That's Something You'd Pitch An Investor; to suspect front running / other interference (wherein even if he didn't send an email, seems like The Problem may be not knowing if he'd be listened to and the Solution more encouragement/support, instead of being smacked down all the harder for sharing that he was in fact suspicious); to be the one person with a winning fight night bet; to understand why taylor's acting a particular way b/c of how they feel whether to support them or criticize them accurately enough that they even listen; that in general he seems to Get taylor as much or even more than the people they have relationships with that we get to see, or really, Anyone else; that he's even ahead of the curve on liking rian despite also being bothered by her as a potential replacement. i don't think his Actual Insightfulness is a complete accident on the writing's part, nor are characters maybe not nonzero times meant to be cluelessly wrong about winston, but. you could give him more of an arc or let him speak more ever. and that grievance aside, again, the fact that rian gets to be The Quant Who Talks / Exposits / Is Talked To so much more than winston is like, he Could be doing this, he's just banished for autistacity really, which does not make this So Characterful for rian.

and as inspired this post, rian helping taylor with anti axe conspiracies at the end of season 5 also doesn't feel like other tmc characters couldn't have been swapped in. we know wendy doesn't take winston seriously, and maybe for some reason she'd be suspicious of winston claiming whatever like moral qualms about taylor's supposed goings on, but i think that very very easily could've instead been winston simply supposedly letting something slip, and wendy immediately believing he's so Stupid as to do something like that, and not questioning it at all; she'd come up with Any [ascribing any negative quality to winston] on the spot to explain anything and not question it. winston, who also has no more loyalty to axe than rian does and probably already has more to taylor, is a great secret weapon for how Ignored he is, wherein it's really like, i don't even think if winston Had been the one who helped such that wendy even Realized after the fact and flipped him off b/c she's pissed whenever she realizes violating hipaa and enabling axe backfired, that she or anyone else would ever pay more attention to winston or believe him more capable or even theoretically valuable than they already do (not). i can say that, sure, maybe at this point after mafee's ditching the tmc niche b/c he just wants to hang out with dollar bill so bad, and is about to ditch taylor entirely b/c he just wants to hang out with dollar bill so bad and what's the point without axe's magic what reason could i possibly have for staying, and just previously fucked over tmc b/c axe said so without even bothering to tell taylor himself asap. but then truly there's also lauren here who like, if they don't trust her enough as their gf to at least not tell on them if they shared that plan with her, probably they could've just broken up sooner. wendy certainly regards lauren as capable and worth paying attention to, lauren is certainly capable of helping as employee and cohort here. the fact it's easier to believe that yeah, rian might for real instead choose to tell on taylor, does not then make this feel so "yep makes sense why rian's the character getting this role / moving the plot in this way." and the fact that taylor's material is commented on b/c they air their thoughts/feelings by whatever they're telling rian as mentorish advice is not really about rian being peak characterful there either, as though only she could've gone :I Uh Ok abt taylor saying whatever at any point.

even rian's input in turn is just all over the place when like, despite that one nyt guy's insistence she's not Taylor's Conscience or something when one week she's criticizing like "wow but dick move though, even if it's successful business" and another she's criticizing them like "yeah it's a dick move but it's the successful business one, so do that." and it remains puzzling where these Conflicts are even going, only for it to shake out like oh i guess ever since rian went "sure i was saying you're the boss and i'm the employee and i'll have a personal life, but now i'm like, fuck that personal life lol whatever" in 5x08 because uhhh, she also then expected the boss vs employee thing to go away too and be regarded as a peer? you were only promoted so much, despite taylor regarding her as and saying she is [so literally them], like, fresh out of undergrad and a bit offbeat out here and talented was not what made taylor thee most Very Characterful out here / not what distinguishes and defines them, even if ofc it's relevant….don't know if taylor Had taken the fall in the end of s5 that tmc would be fine with rian suddenly left helming it, compared to taylor doing so for axe cap a season into their introduction. i don't even know why we should believe rian's going to stick around indefinitely at the end of s6, or even if we're supposed to think she is, when last we heard she's willing to have no life outside work but also plans to just walk out and leave once she reaches some relatively low personal finance goal. and that's how you know there's some strong characterization: as so frequently seems to be the case with rian, at best it feels like i'm just kind of guessing at various motivations that Could be meant to explain why she wouldn't have already left. and also by now it's like, i don't have the motivation myself to care to Try to understand her anymore lol

and of course there's The Egregious Nightmare where like yeah yknow if there was one thing about rian i really felt makes her feel like a distinct character, it's: Being A Woman. there's no reason to think prince, who feels entitled to access to a woman's body at any time as a way to obtain his own sexual gratification, would have had any further qualifications to his quest there. "mpc employee" is also relevant there, but the only reason that particularly narrows it down is b/c you only have so many women there who have dialogue, woops. being twentysomething is also relevant to how prince is shit and telling us, as if we didn't already know, that his only conclusion can be his downfall, b/c he's a [central man]. in turn, if rian's just looking for convenient casual sex, the only thing making prince most convenient is you don't even have to leave at any point about it even if probably that would've been a mitigatingly better idea. even if you assume rian would've only had sex with a man, universal taylorsexuality aside, that really does Not narrow it down that much here, even if he needs to also have the capacity for dialogue. unless rian's paul revere line out of nowhere is supposed to be her announcing "i like em twenty, thirty, or two hundred fifty years older than me," and that's also supposed to be character relevant, like, gross. why not victor? ben? pretty make or break in that ep for rian's dynamic with winston to even Potentially include anything genuine, and if she hooked up with him for convenience and after they've spent the whole ep in duo mode and been meeting up outside work, that would have made a world of sense, but apparently if you think so you forget that he's too autistic to not be a sexual nonentity, cue the contrast in how rian reacts to taylor's expressed interest vs winston's back in the day. though i wouldn't necessarily say that her using winston for her benefit in a half dozen ways couldn't extend to casual sex, though even if that was mutually understood to be the sole purpose of such interactions, i can't imagine that this rian who will, in fact, also react to her dropped interest in their Shared interest by deciding that it's hers now, winston's input must have no value compared to her superior ideas, and furthermore she should hurt him with that and punish him for thinking he too gets to walk up to coworkers at a party and say anything, could be trusted to not turn on him likewise even if they get a few rounds out of it. or worse, but that's a whole other, if related, what if

getting distracted now pissed off as well at the seemingly increasingly likelihood they've dumped winston's character for the No Particular Reason they always could have done so, so glad for all the reassurance that dollar bill is back more prominently, and axe, oh and rian as bizarrely turning out to also be a prominent workplace bully consciously similar to the boss, but with a bit of a different style to that

anyways again it's like, what would have changed if we just hear that prince used some unnamed undialogued employee woman for sex? he could've talked with andy about it all the same even without our previously knowing or knowing exactly whom. you can even have an extra implied to conveniently entirely drop a glass for more Noticeability, but out of frame lmao. we don't even Need to have been shown nearly as much re its being rian for no reason, even if you assume that Dialogue is necessary or whatever, we could have only been informed about it later through taylor's being informed. and it's time to segue more overtly into: Political Lens On Abuse. is it that we could only go "well that's just normal and okay" unless we had dialogue from the woman that it's shit, actually, or rather, that it's a woman we supposedly already care about or something, and if it was some Unknown Woman we'd be like oh well she probably brought it upon herself / it's not a big deal if we can't get this dialogue of her like "wow this sucks." or really, being Shown her initial distress at the not actual recontextualization of things. wherein it's like, what does it actually do to just Present [tfw negative experiences where it's relevant a character is a woman]? what is it if, in Real Life or in Media, we think we have to externally See someone's freshest pain to potentially judge it as Real and Legitimate? meanwhile i Suppose it could be relevant to rian's apparent actually emergent character trait as "unusually clueless???" that for some reason she's like well time to proactively take responsibility for all this, like she took responsibility for taylor's feelings, and yet also both a) at all aware of the relevance of power differences such that this mere escalation of prince as [significantly older ceo you work for fairly public figure with political aspirations] which was already the case is obviously a problem to her, and for some reason she thinks being given hush money would serve to….give her more power in this situation (???) but also b) is Again apparently just taken off guard that prince does not regard nor treat her as a peer, so i can't even believe that this is simply rian kind of in denial about / trying to obscure or make up for her lack of power here kind of a whole tangent but it also overlaps with how rian Very Much does not feel like a character here when all that's relevant about her is "a young woman," in that also being so graced with getting to see any of rian pursuing [i'm dead set on hooking up with the worst person possible, which we have every reason to believe rian could and would be aware of but Apparently Not, with no particular appeal unless she's only after men who are also significantly older than her, and not even for the access to their potential power/resources] and then her dialogue about how "wow this sucks but i'll just take care of things then b/c it was on me lbr" also feels like effective "reassurance" from the material that prince didn't sexually assault her?? to the point that like, rian's own approach here of drugging someone she intends to have sex with is even now making it like, well that is….potentially to her advantage, you know, even when it's stimulants, and even when the person knows that's what's going on. again not…………..Great re: like. what ifs about like well i'm sure it's plausible Canonest Rian could see winston as a convenient source of casual sex, but. it'd then seem like sheer close shave luck if he wasn't hurt by such an arrangement, or again, simply the Approach of one

ugh anyways it's like. i'm not like surprised if the show thinks it's relevant to try to tell us "well prince wouldn't rape someone, but" but like, is it Actually. why "reassure" us that that didn't happen, why even give us anything beyond what rian says about it, even if she's still saying oh it was My Fault if anything? again, what prince expresses through words and actions (like also blaming andy for not being there instead, if she has a problem with it) that he feels entitled to Some woman's body for the purposes of his sexual gratification, anytime anywhere, Ever, At All. this does not at all conflict with someone who'd sexually assualt someone. he Also blames rian by expressing the idea that power is Deserved, thus a power imbalance is also a matter of intrinsic superiority and inferiority, entitlement and blame. sexual assault and just the less [there is precise and/or particularly established language for this] realm of behavior and attitudes that harm and use people re: sex is not all characterized by "was the potentially wronged party kicking and screaming? the whole time? as hard as possible? what about some tactical maneuver that could've been employed at the perfect moment? were they faking that ever? playing it up?" etc etc etc etc wherein even when supposedly we all agree sexual assault is wrong and bad, going Not That Bad(tm) and Victim Blaming about abuse is just like so "normal" lmao and i don't even just mean in the ways people think are Obviously victim blaming or minimalizing/denying.

there's also this question of like….is it also supposed to be some kind of Win here to have rian, again understood merely as A Woman, to pursue sex? or to even want to have sex? and/or is that also supposed to Reassure us about prince being But Not That Bad b/c again, unless someone was the Perfect Victim (who never exists and certainly never can be "proven") and in the Most distress putting up the Most physical fight at every single moment, well then nothing Too bad can have happened, right. like, the power imbalance here is what's relevant, how is rian's theoretical epic agency relevant? Are we supposed to go "yeah i mean that's kinda on her! should've known better!" and blame her a lil for prince's choices, thus taking responsibility off of him? if we are, that's like….this is just fundamental logic employed to justify abuse lol. the idea also that nobody's agency can be limited Unless They Let It, i.e., if they were negatively impacted by a power imbalance, actually that's an individual failing of theirs, thus proving they deserved it, really. backed up by what prince says that's just "yeah this is pretty much on you, should've known better" and that he can do what he wants because he can and he Does deserve his power relative to other people. that people think it's inherently Demeaning to even refer to someone's role in an experience as that of the victim, again because oh you're inferior if something could be done to you, because you Let it, it was your fault, you deserve it. that people who acknowledge that, in the context/framework of experiences relevant to them, they're victims / have less power, are supposedly Bringing It Upon Themselves with that attitude. and need to bootstraps effort and Act Correctly their way to being someone who doesn't deserve harm or abuse or the idea they're inherently inferior as that justification for that harm, abuse, that taking what you want from them. whereas the person wielding their power is the one Beset, Benevolent, Attacked, Hurt, Threatened here, of course, b/c the perpetual justification has to work such that They're correspondingly perpetually wronged. even owning up to one's superior power doesn't conflict with that when it's supposedly this great burden they take up for everyone else's own good, and Someone's gotta wield it, and you're the one messing everything up you see, so that's why they have to keep being in charge of you and insulated from your trying to ruin their life going "that was kind of a shitty thing, huh" such that you'd even dare imply the blame was Shared.

meanwhile again epic "this is….maybe at all supposed to be self contradictory, right" moments to consider in that, in dollar bill's absence, nobody is bullying coworkers like rian is, namely, winston ofc, and she can finally realize like wow prince is shit? like, if you registered someone being shitty To Winston as someone still being shitty, you had a front row preview a long time ago actually, but since that's what you set up by doing it yourself….like Again that rian is disagreeing with and negatively assessing and setting herself apart as at odds with the idea that someone deserves power b/c they're better than you and thus should pretty much do whatever they want. while she has always, and will presumably continue so long as he's there, to understand that she has more power than winston (who she's introduced to when (a) like everyone else, she could negatively judge him immediately in that [wow just like irl re: he's autistic] way and (b) both bosses come over like hiii riannn bestiieeee ugh god winston would you just die already) and thoughtlessly use that for the sake of enjoying the immediate rewards of exercising power, like affirming your superiority, she couldn't get away with hurting someone if she didn't have some elevated status over them, she not only has the fact that winston will pull punches and try to roll with things himself b/c he likes her, but always had and continues to have those reasons that like, people afford her a more elevated social status b/c she's more "correct"/Deserving than winston is, their boss personally likes and professionally prefers rian, all their mega boss singled winston out as the one person he'd ignore and insult in the episode where he's trying to ingratiate himself to absolutely everyone else out here (again, see how often someone whose True Intentions / approach simply analyzed accurately would result in their being (actually warrantedly) judged negatively, will project whatever exact thing they're up to on to the people they're doing it to. people claiming i could have possibly hurt them make Me the real victim here at their mercy. i'm constantly under threat/attack from the people around me as i only think of other ppl's motivations/feelings/thoughts in terms of how they could possibly threaten my idea of myself as perfect and superior. winston deflecting my complaints about taylor and literally saying TAYLOR MASON CAPITAL with his chest had better stop sucking up to me as i tell this other employee i'd be dtf apparently that i'm already impressed with the loyalty and then trip over myself trying to get taylor to accept me as i was just complaining about them to their employees for some reason)

anyways, she uses him for various things, there she is in that very episode, displaying how she reacts to discerning romantic advances when she apparently thinks well of the person (again, another What Characterization moment when not only does rian's character seem more closed off for interaction with taylor (even if on purpose, not that conducive to "of course i'd be in love with you" type of dynamic) and not only has rian, up until her immediately previous appearance in 6x08, fundamentally misunderstood how taylor thinks of her / their dynamic with her, but also taylor and rian have rarely if ever seemed to have a single interaction that one of both of them didn't seem to be fairly miserable about) to the point that they deserve her active efforts to help them feel okay about it, apparently. that, because she's no longer interested in whatever she was getting from talking abt their shared media interest with winston, she now tells herself that winston's input has no value. that even when she just wants to use him as A Listener, he can't respond without her only interest in acknowledging said responses to be using it as setup for insults or otherwise diminishing / demeaning him. she clearly hurts him on purpose, for no other reason than she wants to, can, and seems to more outright enjoy it half the time, and while she's capable of being antagonistic/critical/sarcastic to or about other people, it's different with winston. she Will behave in this way, but only with winston, who Just So Happens to be the one person she Can treat this way: not because her values prevent her from knowingly hurting anyone over and over anytime for like a couple of years, Except for winston for actually no particular reason, but because out of anyone here, she has access to him and she can get away with treating him like that, he does not have the social power/status to stop it, no one will intervene with Their power/status as a fortunate stopgap, he doesn't have the power of numbers when either other people agree with bullying him, or accept the rules enough that they agree everyone's on their own / any given person simply has to learn how to do the correct shit to successfully become unbullied / stop deserving it / bringing it upon themself. was holding out for the potential that rian and winston's dynamic could be or become more reciprocal and genuine, but it's unilateral, on her terms, she's taking what she wants from him, she Can do this to him, she Can ignore him when he's expressing he's hurt and/or what He wants, she evidently does not truly have the principled stance that no one, including her, should operate that way, so she does. it's not fundamentally different from prince's shit, even if it's Not As Bad(tm), like how based on principle and general approach there's nothing truly drawing some line between prince feeling entitled to sex from women and the exercise of that entitlement through sexual assault, even if it's Not As Bad(tm) if someone who was taken advantage of also wanted to have sex or even initiated anything, and any "well but it could've been worse" or ideas like "well but they could've deserved it / brought it upon themself less" is beside the point, the point being that fundamental approach of entitlement as made possible by the exercise of power. what's Worse is beside the point of whether it's unacceptable and harmful in a fundamental way no matter what, it can always be imagined to be not that bad, or at least it wasn't worse, or if someone could be imagined to be more unimpeachibly deserving, or if someone's willing to perhaps just slightly mitigate what they do as a supposed, probably temporary concession while, again, not fundamentally changing the situation.

deeply wretched if it turns out that in the end rian's most consistent character trait is how plausible it seems now that she could get along well enough with dollar bill, the other standout workplace bully about to make a triumphant return, even though he operates more generally and rian hasn't exactly ever had a chance to be regularly loosed around other employees besides winston right next to her vs lauren and mafee in other areas and sara not even here anymore….and this kind of "she has the same principles but just executes that Workplace Bullying with a different style, while being similar enough to the boss to be judged as incorrect" similarity to bill being able to do whatever tf he wants out here while others are blamed for what bill does to them could sure be a Deliberate Billions Commentary choice. but it's still like, rest in fucking pieces if this is truly rian's strongest character trait

there's more to touch on but i've been at this for hours and i'm annoyed enough at billions for one day. honorary addendum about "seemed like something that wags is going impromptu dad mode but that never went beyond that ep." also hardly think i agree with rian's ideas about relationships expressed in that episode but that's beside any of these points and i really don't know why it comes up lmfao, also doesn't seem to go beyond that ep. does rian have a problem with stimulants use, will That come up, who knows. is her job now to hang around until prince's downfall (even if it's through some similar, but different, situation). or be available for taylor to tell the audience how they feel about some aspect of their life / themself by what they say to rian as Advice or Feedback. bkopps saying she's supposed to be a "major player" like when has she driven a plot besides being a woman available to prince. that winston, peripheral, disposable though he is, is Also pretty much always a plot device than someone Getting plots as a character, but he gets to feel like More of a character b/c he exists to add flair and the lack of a need to bear these Continual Drama Conflicts plots means he's not being pulled around by that as much. what winston does is contradicted by what other people say about him, but what rian does is contradicted by what other people say about her And what She says, like, great. everything about her seems Relative and just getting the real brunt of [billions sacrifices Character for the convenience of plot] or where rian was pushed into prominence with nothing more to do but be taylor enrichment until philip shows up to be more prominent and better taylor enrichment, like, extremely worthy to provide that lmao but it's like, is "similar to taylor" what distinguishes her? not the strongest, and not that distinguishing out here, and at this rate wendy may as well have been like "i'll mentor you" for as much as rian has in common with her. there's just like, nothing here lmao. bullying winston is her strongest most consistent motivation that's not contradicted by anything else except her thinking she's above that while wendyesquely unaware that she clearly is not, will only realize it if someone Besides the person she's wronged confronts her with it plainly, and who would do that on winston's behalf? and then probably get right back to it soon enough anyways. the fact that the most pertinent things rian seems to have going on is [billions misogyny moments, oops only so many women around here and whether this material that's inherently written around a central man, even to criticize him, is also written around insulating him from coming across as "That Bad"] and [abuse is super relevant to billions but does it always realize it] and [does billions realize what it's asserting an autistic person deserves here (abuse)] and all that's left is taylor projecting on her, which is great, taylor please tell us more about what you think about yourself or i guess that you notice work doesn't bring you ebullient joy like on the bachelor, you figure romance is the only path for that, and you figure you can only date someone proximate and acceptable enough through work….but it's again not really about the character projected upon, except that i guess she takes taylor seriously enough to accept this, which is also not that exceptional around here

anyways speaking of shell games where you lift the cup and there's nothing there, a season and a half in and there's nothing much more gained re: rian being a character except that it Could be interesting if some of that beloved conflict came from rian bullying winston, but no one's putting themself in conflict with it which is why rian can keep effortlessly doing it on a whim, and i'm sure that even if winston managed to get some kind of foothold beyond "clearly express that he's hurt by this" so as to create any consequence for rian, that'll be about how he's wronging her and suddenly everyone recognizes something out of line and dives in to immediately rectify the situation and what all, brilliant i'm sure, nothing unrealistic about how it's normal and chill to gang up on the autistic coworker in whatever ways but if they react to that hostility in turn in any way that causes problems for anyone, That's the issue. gotta preserve the existing power structure, that's so true for winston that he's not even allowed to speak without being resented. also like irl. again, sooo epic if they've written him out here while we're keeping rian around indefinitely to uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but isn't she so acceptably normal and deserving. if billions doesn't come through with philip and taylor material what is the fucking point

(p.s. in copy/pasting this i noticed i suggested i'd come back around to Billions' Idea Of Smartness, in that suddenly characters have this flexibility re: acknowledging it or even conceptualizing it in any positive way when other people call winston a genius but only when ultimately questioning / contradicting this. or how i'm sure this could be considered some kind of "hmm questioning and criticizing what we value....what if someone must be smart i guess if they're really good at this one thing BUT they're sooo aggressive and annoying??????" like yes, that is a super common reaction to autistic people, as well as just asserting that same sentiment in supposedly more sympathetic ways like "oh autistic ppl just don't have that social/emotional intelligence :) just don't have the skills there that allistic ppl do :)" like get out of here w/that. wherein, similarly, if they boot winston off without ever having any Textual confrontation w/character's perspective or treatment towards him, i wouldn't count that as any critical analysis exercised with regards to how characters Or writers have thought about winston, certainly not successfully, can't even go "well but we the writers didn't say that it was Correct" like, except you kinda nonzero times did lmao, this is kind of your "this Is how to treat autistic people" commentary. and i don't even know that it'll be a Problem for rian's character that she agrees, even if winston is banished and she has to find someone new to bully, if she can. it would be one thing like, was waiting until all season 6 material was out like, well sure maybe rian's mean and unlikable, but there could still be this sense of A Character that makes this fun to follow. Except: No.)

[ladyshinga]

starting a new company, Autistic Auditors, where we send blunt autistic people to check up on things like companies to stand there and be like "actually that thing the CEO said made no sense, elaborate" and pushing them to actually explain their dodgy corporate language that avoids accountability and reliability. Just really grind them down with repeated "why" and "but what does that mean" and writing down the answers in clear and obvious language.

IDK I'm just sick of hearing how Business Bros talk and how many people are suckers for it. I want blunt people standing there going "hey, that guy didn't actually SAY anything, he just strung together a bunch of nonsense corporate words to make you think 'ooo profit' but there's nothing substantial here"

We would do the same to politicians.

[sincerestlove]

Kitchen Cravings - E.P.

i couldn't get this out of my head so i had to write it. please let me know what you think - i’d love to start writing more frequently for emily and jj - if anyone is interested, please let me know.

i hope you enjoy!

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x Reader

Warnings: SMUT 18+ - MEN & MINORS DNI.

Moonlight filtered through the curtains, washing the bedroom in a faint glow. You and Emily had just finished round four? Five? You lost count after 2, barely able to think nor speak coherently. You were now cuddled up together, Emily brushing her warm fingertips gently up and down your spine as you drew lazy shapes into the soft skin of her chest.

"Hey, baby, are you hungry yet?"

Emily hums at your question, and she takes a moment to consider. She hadn't realized how hungry she was until now, but after you mention it, she can feel her stomach rumbling. "Yeah, I am, actually. Why, you thinking about food?"

"Mhm, since we haven't eaten anything since breakfast."

"Yeah, I guess we have been pretty busy..." The brunette smiles slyly and leans in to whisper in your ear. "You know what I'm craving right now, love?"

"Hm?"

Emily's voice is low and sultry as she speaks, her lips brushing against your ear. "You." She grins and nibbles playfully at your earlobe, her hand moving down to rest on your hip.

You groan dramatically, nudging her legs with your foot. "Back, you sex heathen. You wore me out."

Your wife grins at your words, feeling a sense of satisfaction at being able to exhaust you so thoroughly. She runs her fingers along your side, enjoying the feeling of the soft skin under her hands. "I did, huh? Well, I suppose I should make sure you get something to eat.”

"Yes, please. Your wife is hungry."

Emily laughs, feeling a surge of affection for you. She plants a quick kiss on your forehead, then pushes back the covers and climbs out of bed. You can’t help but drag your eyes along her naked form, muscles straining as she stretches her arms over her head. Her dark hair was mused and slightly tangled from all of the tugging you were doing on it, lips a pretty pink and swollen. She tugs a loose, large t-shirt over her head, the hem falling just above her knees. “Okay, love. I'll head down to the kitchen and whip something up for you. Any special requests?"

You shrug nonchalantly. “I’ll come with you. I like watching you cook." You yawn, before standing up and putting on your silky black lounge robe, tying it loosely in the front. Slivers of your skin were exposed, Emily’s eyes greedily taking in every inch. “And I’m fine with anything, baby."

She takes your hand, leading you both out of the bedroom and down to the kitchen. "Perfect. I love when you keep me company in the kitchen."

Once you enter, Emily leaves you at the counter and starts opening the cabinets and fridge, taking stock of the food you both have on hand. She turns, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Hmm, let's see... Do you feel like something light, or something more substantial? How hungry are you?"

"Well, you made me come like five times, so, yeah, I could eat something substantial.”

Emily laughs loudly. "I can work with that. How does pasta sound? I've got a recipe for a spicy tomato sauce that I've been wanting to try out."

"Sounds perfect."

Emily nods, feeling pleased that her idea has been approved by her hungry wife. She starts rummaging through the kitchen, gathering the ingredients she needs. "Okay, pasta it is. Be a good girl for me, yeah? Sit there and look pretty while I cook."

You grin. "I think I can do that."

Emily laughs, loving the way you respond to her teasing. She sets up a pot of water to boil, then starts chopping up onions and garlic to sauté in a pan. You watch as she moves effortlessly around the kitchen, chopping the vegetables with skill and ease. "Of course you can. You're very good at looking pretty, love." She says, shooting you a wink over her shoulder.

"Yeah? You think I'm pretty?"

Emily turns to face you, her gaze roaming over your face and figure. Her expression is tender and affectionate, almost reverent, a small smile on her lips. "Absolutely. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."

You coo at her sweet words, her smile turning a little more intense, eyes lingering on your form. The way you look wrapped up in that loose robe, bare legs exposed, is very distracting. Emily feels the stirring of desire flare up in her stomach, but she does her best to push it down and focus on the task at hand.

She turns back to the stove, where the onions and garlic are sizzling away in the pan. She takes a deep breath, trying to focus her mind completely on cooking and ignore the distraction of her very attractive and very accessible wife sitting just a few feet away in a very thin robe.

She starts adding tomatoes, marinara and spices to the pan, stirring and mixing them in. She can feel your eyes on her back, and it's getting increasingly difficult for her to maintain her focus instead of turning around and pushing you against the counter.

"The, um, the water should be boiling soon. I'll add the pasta in and then the food will be ready." Emily stumbles slightly over her words, glancing over her shoulder to see you already staring, grinning at her like a cheshire cat. Your head rests casually on your hand, eyes dragging slowly down Emily’s form. There’s a twinkle in your eyes, one that she knows too well.

The pot of water starts boiling, and Emily takes it as an opportunity to turn away from you and pour the pasta into the colander, successfully draining the water, before adding it to the saucepan. She stirs, making sure that the noodles are coated evenly in sauce. She can still feel your eyes on her, and her skin prickles with anticipation.

"You almost done over there, baby?"

Your question snaps Emily out of her thoughts, and she looks over at you with a mix of frustration and hunger in her gaze. "Almost. Just, um, just another minute or two."

After a few more minutes, the food is ready, but Emily is so distracted that she continues to mindlessly stir the sauce. You smirk at the sight.

"Done?"

Emily nods jerkily. She reaches out to turn off the heat on the stove, her hands shaking. "Oh. Yeah, I'm done."

You push away from the counter, sauntering toward the fridge. You intentionally squeeze past the tight space between the counter and your wife, brushing your body against her back, hands teasingly skimming the exposed skin.

Without even realizing it, one of Emily's hands reaches out, her fingers lightly tracing along your hip. She can feel your warmth through the flimsy fabric.

She steps closer, wrapping her arms around your waist from behind and pulling herself flush against her body. She nuzzles her face into the crook of your neck, breathing in the scent of your skin, every inch of contact sending jolt after jolt of desire right through her.

Y/N smirks, craning her neck to nuzzle her nose into Emily’s skin, taking in the faint scent of her sweet perfume. "Let's go eat, love. Don't want the food to get cold, right?"

Emily groans, her hands clenching slightly on your hips as she forces herself to hold back. She wants to press you up against the kitchen counter and take you right there, but she knows she needs to wait. "Tease."

Emily reluctantly moves to the cabinet and pulls down two plates. She can still feel the ghost of your body against hers, the way your bodies were pressed flush together. The sensation is burned into her skin, her mind swimming with the memory of that heat and that desire. She carefully scoops a serving of pasta onto your plate, trying to keep her hands steady as she does.

You smile as you take the plate, pressing a soft, teasing kiss to your wife’s lips. "Thanks, baby."

"You're welcome," Emily murmurs, her voice a little huskier than usual. She watches as you take the plate to the table, her eyes tracking your movement.

As you sit down, you slide Emily a drink from across the table, her favorite seltzer, before scooping a hefty spoonful of parmesan cheese onto your pasta.

Emily picks up her own fork and tries to focus on her food, but it's hard to concentrate on anything other than the sight of you sitting across from her. She can feel the heat pooling in her stomach, her body practically aching to touch you, to feel your skin against hers again.

You watch Emily intently as she eats, smirking at the way she struggles to restrain herself. You let your robe slip a bit more down your shoulders, exposing the top of your breasts to Emily’s darkened, blown out eyes.

You can hear how her breath hitches in her throat as you make that small movement, revealing more of your bare skin. Emily's eyes rake over the newly exposed flesh, her mouth going dry at the sight. It's almost too much to bear, the sight of her wife's body nearly bared to her. She grips the edge of the table tightly, her knuckles going white with the effort it takes to hold herself back.

You grin over the top of your drink. "You okay over there?"

Emily takes a deep and shaky breath, her eyes still locked on your body. She's breathing heavily, practically shaking with desire and need. "I'm fine," She says, her voice ragged and hoarse. "I just... I need you. Like, right now. And that robe is not helping things at all."

"What? This thing?" You intentionally slip it further down, fully exposing your breasts and hardened nipples to your wife.

Emily can't tear her gaze away from the sight of you lounging before her, exposed and provocative. Her eyes rake over every inch of your body like she’s starved, taking in the curves and the dips, the planes and the lines. It's like pouring gasoline on the flames of her desire, the primal need inside her growing hotter and fiercer with every passing second.

"Are you going to just sit there, or you going to come over here and do something about all that pent up tension you’re feeling?"

Without another word, Emily lets her fork clatter onto her plate and pushes herself up from the table, stalking around it with a predatory grace, her eyes fixed on you the whole time. She's like a panther closing in on its prey, her movements slow and purposeful. She stands over you, looking down, drinking in the sight of your bare skin up close. Her eyes rake over your body hungrily, heart pounding in her chest.

You smiles up at her teasingly, allowing the robe to fall open fully.

Emily’s eyes feast on the sight, taking in every inch of your newly exposed skin, every contour and curve. Her body is thrumming with desire, the need to touch and taste you driving her mad. She steps even closer, her hands itching to reach out and touch you, to stroke your soft skin.

"Are you just going to stare, honey?"

At your challenge, Emily's last shred of self-control snaps. Without warning, she moves forward, pulling you out of your chair and pinning you up against the closest wall, her body pressing flush against yours. Her hands roam greedily over your bare skin, taking ownership of your body, hot and smooth under her touch. Emily's mouth captures yours in a fierce, hungry kiss, their tongues tangling in a possessive, dominating gesture.

You laugh breathily as your mouths separate, grabbing Emily’s hands and placing them on your bare hips. Her blunt nails dig into your skin, the light sting of her grip leaving small crescents in their wake. “There she is."

Emily grunts in response, trailing hungry kisses down your neck, nipping and biting at the sensitive skin.

"Finally snapped, huh? What did it for you, baby? Was it the robe?"

Emily's lips move up to your ear, her tongue tracing the outer shell. Her breath is hot against your skin as she speaks, her voice low and rough with desire and need. “I asked you to sit there and look pretty, not tease me in this fuckin’ robe." She groans again, biting gently on your earlobe. “Couldn’t help but make you mine.”

You grin, moaning as she feels Emily’s lips and tongue on her skin. "You know I’m already yours, Em."

"I know, but sometimes I can't help myself. I just need to remind you."

You slink your arms over Emily’s strong shoulders, leaning close to whisper in her ear. "Remind me then."

Emily's hands begin to wander, roaming over your body once again with a desperate, hungry need. She tangles her fingers in your hair, pulling your head back sharply so she can attack your neck again, biting and sucking, leaving dark purple marks as she goes, eventually moving down and landing on your hardened buds. She takes one into her warm mouth, sucking harshly, her slender fingers tugging on the other.

You groan in desperation, grabbing Emily’s hand and shoving it between your legs, as you hold her head to her chest. Emily laughs teasingly at your movements, deciding to have mercy and run her fingers through your pussy.

Her hand is immediately drenched, the feel of your wetness driving her nearly insane. She moans against your chest as her fingers run through your folds, touch hungry and urgent. “Someone’s excited.”

Her mouth trails kisses across your chest, fingers pressing and rubbing teasingly against your sensitive flesh.

You moan breathily, throwing your head back against the wall as you grinds down on your wife’s hand, chasing your pleasure.

“Look at you, sweet thing. Flushed, desperate, needy. All that teasing for what? If you wanted to be fucked, you could’ve just asked.” Emily grins cockily at you, stuffing two fingers inside of your dripping hole.

She revels in the feeling of you grinding against her hand, the sounds of your moans and sighs. Her hand begins to move faster. She knows exactly how to drive you wild, exactly how to elicit these sounds and reactions from her wife. She's single-minded in her pursuit of your pleasure, her own need and desire feeding into the primal drive to make you fall apart in her hands. She feels almost drunk on you - your scent, your skin, your sounds - it’s all encompassing.

You moan loudly, almost pornographically, at the pleasure roaring through your veins. You can feel your heartbeat in your ears, biting down harshly on your lip, feeling your orgasm quickly approaching as Emily’s thumb finds your clit, pressing down and circling harshly. She pushes her fingers even further inside you, nudging that sweet, spongy spot.

She grins against your shoulder, her fingers continuing their relentless onslaught. She can feel the tension building, the way your body is shaking and trembling against hers. She knows you’re close, she can feel it in the way your body is responding to her touch, the way your moans and gasps are becoming more desperate and ragged, chest heaving.

"Fuck, I’m close, baby, please-" Your voice breaks off at the end, squeezing your eyes shut and gripping onto her shoulders tightly, the taut muscles flexing under your hands.

Emily smirks. "You're begging so prettily, baby. You wanna come?" You nod desperately. "Yeah?"Her fingers move even faster still, her touch rougher. Her mouth moves to your ear, voice a low, husky whisper. "Come on, pretty girl. Come for me. Make a mess on my hand.”

With a final, sharp twist of her fingers, you finally cry out, your body shuddering against Emily's as ecstasy washes over you. She continues to caress and stroke you, helping you ride out the wave of your orgasm, her touch gentler now, as you squeeze her fingers inside you.

Emily keeps you pressed against the wall as you come down from your high, her hand still between your legs, gently stroking the sensitive flesh. She watches with satisfaction as you pant and whimper, body still twitching and shaking with the lingering pleasure of your orgasm. You swear you could see stars in your eyes.

After a few moments, Emily slowly withdraws her hand, bringing it up to her mouth and deliberately licking her fingers clean. The sight makes you shiver, another wave of arousal bubbling deep in your belly.

Emily kisses you deeply, tugging on your bottom lip as she pulls back slightly. "I'm not done with you yet, love."

You bark out a laugh, gently nudging your wife by her shoulders. "Jesus Christ woman, give me a break - I nearly passed out just now."

Emily laughs, nuzzling her nose into your hair and pressing a kiss there. After closing your robe, she takes you into her arms gently, ushering you to sit on the couch. “Sit down, love. Let me get your dinner so you can finish it.”

You sigh deeply as you plop yourself down on the couch, legs spread lazily, resting your head over the back cushion. Boneless and spent, you allow your eyes to slip shut momentarily as Emily gathers your plate and fork, bringing it back to you.

“Here you go, babe.” As you open your eyes and lift your head, the brunette places your bowl and fork in your hand, smiling sweetly at you.

“Where’s your food?”

“I put it in the fridge, I’ll eat it later." Emily lowers herself to her knees in front of you, never breaking eye contact. "Right now, I’m hungry for something else.” She brushes her hair out of her face before she places her warm hands on your already spread thighs, squeezing lightly.

You mouth falls open at the erotic sight, feeling your skin tingle. You were at an utter loss for words, watching as she grabbed underneath your knees, pulling you closer to her mouth.

“You are going to eat your food, and I’m going to eat you. If you don’t finish first, I’m going to edge you all night. I won’t be nice either, and you won’t get to come. Got me?”

Oh.

She looks at you, brow raised, waiting for an answer. “I…okay. Yeah.” You manage to breathe out, picking up your fork and hurriedly finishing your plate.

Emily grins, as she brings her mouth to you, warm and wet.

“Good girl.”

i will be opening my requests again soon - as always, please let me know who it's for and be as detailed as possible. thank you and i hope you liked this one! :)

[headspace-hotel]

i promised myself "before I go back to school in the fall, something HAS to get better. SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER."

and i made the appointments, had the conversations, I spent hours wringing my brain out googling discussing with friends and family, thinking of SOMETHING, ANYTHING i could approach disability services about now that my previous suggestions had been shot down, and i went there with a list and i was like "hey is there ANY of this stuff you can do to help me" and basically? No

i asked "maybe i could have few extra excused absences so I can rest when i'm overloaded" but the lady was like Well we couldn't do that because you would miss the material in class

I asked "maybe i could have limited group projects so i don't have to be working on something with 4 other people every single day because social interaction is really tiring" she was like Well we can't do it if it would change the course substantially but we can ask that professors tell you if there's going to be lots of group projects so you can drop the class

I asked "maybe i can do in class writing assignments in a separate room so it will be less stressful" she was like well what if we couldn't guarantee that another room would be available where some one could monitor you

This is after the possibility of a partial course load was shot down (i could request it because of 'extenuating circumstances' but there's no guarantee it would be approved, and anyway i don't even know if it would fucking help) and several other things

Going back to school is just weighing on me crushing me. The past two semesters I have been so unrelentingly exhausted, miserable and alone. I hated my classes SO much and spent so much time crying.

All my classes are stupid busy work , just like worksheets that are like "do all these tiny little steps" that micromanage you painfully as if you can't be trusted to have your own independent thoughts" while the professor sits on their phone.

The grades are made up of a thousand tiny bullshit assignments that you have to remember at the right time, if you know the material and even care about learning it, it doesn't even matter.

I took a PLANT science class last semester that I honest to god hated so much it took all the strength in my body to even go to class. I LOATHED it and I got a C in it even though it was highschool level crap and the assignments were so restrictive that they basically punished you for being passionate about anything, I would try to be creative or dig more deeply on things and my classmates (it was always a mother fucking group project because the professor didn't want to fucking lecture, just give us something to kill time like we were fucking preschoolers) hated it because creativity or thinking outside the box would always make the assignment harder for everyone and I would fuck up the grade and it made me feel so ashamed

Same class where the professor said "you can tell this is a peer reviewed journal article because it's written in two columns along the page" like what. What. Huh. What.

There is so little flexibility too like the requirements are so specifically made to "mold" me a certain way. No one sees anything I have already learned or is interested in my potential and ability and passion and keen interest that i HAVE IN ABUNDANCE by the way, and the classes are so boring and passionless

I approached a lady in the arts department about an independent study involving natural plant fibers but she was like "no sorry i only work with seniors and you would have to take these 2 of my other classes"

There is so much more that's stupid and dysfunctional about this college that is too specific to discuss with privacy online, but let it suffice to say that it's a school that wants the reputation of being really challenging and rigorous soooooo bad but it actually just has 1000 inflexible requirements that eliminate everyone's free time and assigns metric tons of tedious busy work, because being "hard" means our academics are "rigorous" right? but the quality of the academics is not good, the classes are not engaging or encouraging you to think more deeply they are just painful.

And no one, fucking no one in these classes is engaging with the work with any energy or passion or enthusiasm, the professors can't get a discussion going, everyone is just staring like a bunch of zombies because their classes r like the equivalent of two full time jobs so of course no one can Engage Deeply with them they have no fucking energy

the food is like eating out of the garbage. they reheat the same pieces of pizza over and over until they're like dried out and leathery like something from a pharaohs tomb. they have bagels kept in a box and they're so stale you can't even bite into them. I got sour, rotten milk from the milk machine so many times my stomach eventually couldn't take drinking milk from there at all.

i hate, hate, hate, HATE that place so much i start crying every time I try to make plans for fall because there is so little fucking joy in my life when i'm there it's like being trapped underground.