#not even the donkey kong stream got this big i think

[seefasters]

read hbomberguy's interview with vulture and these two answers in particular are extremely real

[hi-i-love-u-bitch]

Excuse me! But where is my Sanders Sides Gamer AU???

Voices in my head: Gee Bunny, it seems you have no problem writing a lot of other fics and stuff yet you still haven’t even finished the next chapter of your Spiderverse fic???

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP DISEMBODIED VOICES IN MY HEAD!!! IF YOU WANT THAT FIC DONE SO BADLY TELL MY LOGIC AND CREATIVITY TO GET THEIR ASSES IN GEAR AND GIVE ME SOME GOD DAMN INSPIRATION!!!!

Voices in my head:.....

Me: Yeah, that’s what I thought! Anyways, idk if I just missed a memo or something but I haven’t seen any Gamer AU of my boys and that is a crime in and of itself! Like, how dare! But fret not, I am here to provide content (Read: headcannons) that you did not ask for! Let us begin! Or should I say start!

(please note that I am not a gaming expert so feel free to add or correct stuff)

NOW WITH A PART 2!!!!

MAIN SQUAD

Roman Rosewood

Obviously loves RPGs! Anything with a good story line really! Or has medieval fantasy aesthetic!

Skyrim, Diablo, Undertale, Final Fantasy, Kingdom Hearts, Fallout, Red Dead Redemption, Undertales, Dragon Age, God of War Dark Souls, Assassins Creed, Earthbound, etc.

Played West of Loathing just so he could rip on it but actually ended up loving it and spending way to many hours playing. Then he found out there was a game called Kingdom of Loathing by the same creators and went down that rabbit hole as well.

He was iffy about getting into JRPGs but then Virgil convinced him to play Persona 5 and he absolutely fell in love with the music!

All the music in his phone is either from musicals or Video games!

Also really likes choose your own adventure games like Detroit: Become Human, Life is Strange, and Telltale Games

So much video game merch! Usually figurines because he likes to make little shelves and display cases for them.

He also really likes multiplayer games because he’s a social butterfly and likes to play with his squad.

Sucks at first person shooter games but still willingly plays Fortnight or Call of Duty or Left for Dead with his friends because he doesn’t want to be a drag and complain. But also they sometimes die in game in the most hilarious ways and it just leaves everybody wheezing.

Virgil Dante

Horror games, obvs!

All about that dark aesthetic!

Devil May Cry, Silent Hill, Fran Bow, Sally Face, Resident Evil, The Witch’s House, Amnesia, Little Nightmares, Bendy and The Ink Machine, Alice: Madness Returns, SCP-Containment, Pony Island, etc.

Yes, he’s played all the Five Nights At Freddy’s games. It’s a good series and it isn’t his fault the fandom is bat shit crazy and full of ten year olds! Fuck you Roman!

Every time the Walking Dead comes out he knows he’ll end up crying by the end of it. He and the squad make and event out of it.

Japanese horror games are usually his favorite because they deal more with the psychological aspects of horror instead of the jump scares

So, yes, he’s also a fan of Corps Party and Fatal Frame

Also really good at first person shooters because he has a really steady hand (you usually have to when playing horror games least you want to restart the level) and it pisses Roman off to no end every time Virgil randomly headshots him.

Usually likes to by merch in the form of posters, t-shirts, or beanies. He only buys figurines if it’s a game he really, really likes.

At first didn’t know why people kept bugging him to play Doki Doki Literature Club but then he finally caved and...oh...that’s why.

Logan Mill

My boy loves puzzle and strategy games yo!

Legend of Zelda, Portal, Tetris, Unravel, World of Goo, Inside, Limbo, Pokemon, Shadow of the Colossus, StarCraft, Command and Conquer, Age of Empire, Heart of Iron, World of Warcraft, etc.

He likes Overwatch but doesn’t like playing with people online so he usual solos or asks the others to play. But that too usually ends in chaos.

Hates rage games because he gets frustrated easily and has broken at least four keyboards and two controllers

He still plays them anyways because he can beat it damn it! Just give him a minute!

Enjoys the God of War series despite all the mythological inaccuracies

He plays a lot of Minecraft to relax or destress and has build beautiful works of architecture and sometimes entire cities.

He thought it was stupid and childish and was embarrassed about it for a long time until the squad came over to his house one day uninvited and caught him playing. He was getting ready for them to make fun of him but they instead gushed about how AMAZING everything looked and how TALENTED he was for building all himself.

Logan ends up showing them how to play afterwards and they work together to make weird sculptures and complex tunnels underground.

He likes practical merch like backpacks, coffee mugs, pencil holders, notebooks, ect. as well as a few t-shirts and novelty ties.

Yes, he does collect Pokemon cards!

Patton Adley

Silly dating sims, farming games, and any cute game really! Plus a few side scroller games!

Stardew Valley, Harvest Moon, Slime Rancher, The Sims, Dream Daddy, Animal Crossing, Kirby, Monster Prom, Hatoful Boyfriend, Scribblenauts, Night In The Woods, Ni Nu Kuni, etc.

Big Nintendo fan!

He made the mistake of playing Doki Doki Literature Club without reading the warning tags and regrets it immensely...still a good game though.

He did the same thing with Huni Pop but that one made him laugh more then anything and he kind of got addicted to it. Then he found out there was a sequel called HuniCam so he went down that rabbit hole too.

He likes a lot of phone app games too like Cut the Rope, Neko Atsume, and Candy Crush.

Loves trashy dating app games, he thinks they’re so funny and cheesy

He was addicted to Mystic Messenger for a long while

Just because he has his preference doesn’t mean he won’t try other games too, Logan got him hooked on World of Warcraft (though really he did that to everyone), Virgil showed him Hollow Knight, and Roman suggested he play Undertales.

Prefers merch in the form of plushies and key chains!

He likes to bake and decorate cookies, cakes and pastries in the form of his favorite video game characters.

RED SQUAD

Duncan [Deceit] Adley (Patton’s twin)

A lot of first person shooter and combat games!

Doom Series, Super Smash Bros, Mortal Combat, Halo, Fortnight, Grand Theft Auto, Street Fighter, Tekken, Soul Calibur, Half-Life, Team Fortress, Destiny, Wolfenstein, Bio Shock, Splatoon, PUBg etc.

Patton was the one that introduced him to Splatoon and he won’t admit that it’s actually super fun.

Doesn’t mind story driven games and RPGs but he really just wants something he can zone out to and relax

He likes to troll people online, mainly assholes picking on little kids who just want to play.

He once teamed up with a group of kids on Call of Duty solely for the purpose of collectively kicking the asses of this groups of so called “real gamers” that were being jerks.

Has memorized all the combos! He doesn’t have time to sit and look up a cool finishing move, he needs it now!

Always mains the weakest/most useless character in fighting games and still manages to kick everyone’s ass.

Doesn’t have a preference in merch and usually grabs whatever he likes be it figurines, t-shirts, posters, plushies, or whatever, so long as he likes the game it comes from.

Has several tattoos from his favorite games

Emile Picani

Classic retro games, cartoonish games, and Nintendo are his jam broham!

Mario, Classic Sonic, Paper Boy, Transylvania, Spyro, Pac Man, All the Saga Disney games, Duck Hunt, Mario Kart, Galaga, Mega Man, Donkey Kong, Secret of Mana, Banjo-Kazooie, Conker’s Bad Fur Day, etc.

Absolutely fell in love with Shovel Knight when it came out!

Remy got him into all the indie pixel games: Towerfall, Terraria, Owlboy, Hotline Miami, Papers Please, Celeste, One Shot, etc.

Duncan was the one that introduced him to Cuphead and the usually play it together and see how far each of them can go without dying.

The game is difficult but the art is still so breathtaking!

Likes the occasional psychological thriller game

Bet Virgil showed him Alice: Madness Returns and Doki Doki Literature Club (after he’s played it of course)

Likes plushies and figurine merch with the occasional poster and coffee mug.

Likes to doodle a lot of his fav video game characters and cartoons and is actually really good at it. He helped design most of Duncan’s tattoos.

Remy Knightly

Likes a lot of indie games and old online flash games!

The Stanley Parables, Oxenfree, Inside, Firewatch, Super MeatBoy, The Binding of Issac, Donut County, Henry Stickman series, Impossible Quiz, Crush the Castle series, Hyper Light Drifter, etc.

He always gets everybody hooked on one game or another

He convinced everyone to play Undertales so for like a month they all went through a HUGE Undertales faze.

Was the actual, ACTUAL one that showed Duncan Cuphead because he knew the dork would be reminded of Emile because of the animation and would want to show it to him and play multiplayer (*cough* subtle matchmaker *cough*)

(Do not be fooled, he is a pinning boy himself)

Is up to date in all the gossip of the latest games and consuls, indie or mainstream! He’s in the know, know and if you need to know something chances are Remy probably knows it.

Weeds out through all the indie horror games for Virgil and recommends what he thinks are the best ones.

Same thing with Logan and his puzzle games, he’s usually is able to find very strange ones and Logan seems to likes those best.

Obviously has a lot of merch in coffee mug and thermal form as well as a few key chains.

Occasionally streams on Twitch with Duncan and Emile (sometimes inviting the main squad too), they’re commentary is usual hilarious.

[polygon-streams]

April 21st, 2019 - Pat’s Easter/Post 4/20 Donk Souls Stream

Pat played another stream of Donk Souls, back again with Magnum Jr. Stream went on for a little over 3 1/2 hours, so there’s quite a bit to note

Recaps a bit on yesterday's stream, telling the story of Magnum Jr.

Is interrupted by piss as he explains how he wants to find a loincloth for Magnum Jr, we are still on the fight for as naked of a Kong as possible

"Suns out guns out here in Lothric" - Pat, 2k19

Thanks some good subbers

Waluigi subbed up, thank you Waluigi

Vordt of the Boreal Valley is a fun name

"Hey.. hey, man.. hey.... alright bye, guess I'll see you later, man." - Pat @ a skeleton lookin’ enemy who walked away from him

Magnum Jr. has an arrow through his neck is he ok

4/20 was successful because he didn’t do weed due to it being an illegal criminal activity

"I don't want to perry.. what do i look like... Matthew?"

Has a very long stare at the chat ".................Matthew Perry"

Bonk bonk bonk souls

Gives a few more gifted sub shoutouts

Half-logan?

( Chunk of the stream is missing about right here. Only about 30 minutes, sorry about that )

He doesn’t drop pants

Beeline for vort

Memeshart is giving good gamer advice ( I’m sorry Pat, we all know Memeshart is the supreme gamer here )

“I got vorted” - Pat Gill, 2k19

Let’s fucking go, Pat can do it, we got this

Pat has fought this Vordt X times

“Juice time, baby, juice me” - also Pat, 2k19

He’s having more trouble than usual bc his other characters wore clothes

Vordt Souls

RP: do you guys know my dad?

Hums to konkey dong

X is your uber ride, am outside

God dammit, dogs. He’s killing the bone dogs.

One of this weird turtleback men is actually my friends that wants to hang out with me

Does that make me into beef jerky? I want my Kong to be fresh

More dog hate. He’s getting mauled by dogs. “Please lord of Dark Souls don’t let these dogs kill me”

“Why can’t I use ember? Is it because I already am bird shit?” nice joke.

Tropical freeze is such a good soundtrack. He’s done into the past and he may switch to it towards the end

He wants to bottle feed the kittens. He feels the best way to get a kitten to drink out of the bottle is by convincing them they really don’t want it to drink out of the bottle

Just realized he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on in this game after noticing for the first time a person is growing into a plant. Now he’s wondering why the people in this town are turning into trees. Angel b: they’ve commited treason greatest victory : they’re turning over a new leaf

He wants to make today and tomorrow pizza days. And he’s got a big thing of lactaid so he’s set to commit this mistake

He’s working on the environmental storytelling. That’s why he likes it, you have to put it together

If Ken Levine made this game he’d had made it clear by writing on a wall or something but not here

Dark Souls II: spooky stuff here in dark souls. That’s why the game is not called light and breezy souls

He got box stabbed, but he’s having a nice time souls

“This is my friend, Johnny, get it?” - We didn’t get it

“This is my friend, David”

“This is also my friend, Nick”

“Johnny cage.. because it’s a bunch of people in a cage” ( can confirm joke landed only for like two people )

This area gives Bloodborne vibes. Sorta medieval Bloodborne

“I’m not gonna use the whip”

jk he might try

Important update: Charles is sneezing

Camera angle is not in Pat’s favor up in this ruins and he hates it

He doesnt wanna fight anyone called Hodrick

We’re gonna avoid Hodrick and go fight a giant shooting arrows from a tower

22.32 Bijan is here

Memeshart is a consultant-- Pat is calling on memeshart like an Alexa

“Memeshart, play Despacito” Another great joke, Patrick

We’re testing Memeshart’s knowledge boundaries

Memeshart lore: They were picked up from a shipwreck by the current memeshart

Pat doesn’t remember this part being so annoying ( he also doesn’t remember he had clothes for the other characters )

Again with the Johnny/David/Nicholas Cage joke ( but now we all got it )

He’s avoiding killing non hostiles ( he definitely killed them in his main files, though )

Grim Acceptance: The emotion that bopping to The Entire Buck Bumble Theme for 3000 Bits elicits

He’s not particularly excited for the Sega Genesis mini. He didn’t have a Sega so he’s not particularly nostalgic

Bastard Sword: “I am kind of a bastard.”

22.48 Faith’s here

X i s one of hs favorite tracks in the Donkey Kong Country soundtrack

dumbassrights was gifted a sub. a good username, we can all agree

Unspoken chat rule: You aren’t allowed to say you got pizza without also saying the toppings

“He- he packed a bowl, but it was 420 yesterday!” - Pat

Very close to having the loincloth

“Love a big rat”

He doesn’t lock on a lot of enemies, especially big enemies, with enemies surrounding

Even more dog hate. Sorry, can’t relate.

Onion man is with us. he did not help with dog enemy.

“This guy sounds like Paul F. Tompkins doing Alan Thicke”

He’s good friends with the big archer giant. Friendship goals.

Bijan: “Can anyone explain the plot of Dark Souls?” Pat: “No.”

“It’s time to probably die”

Onion man is sleeping, chat decides to spam z for good slumbers

Lore check: this is the son of Magnum Kong , Magnum Kong Junior and he’s trying to find his dad, his papa, his daddy.

Went full “That’s rough, buddy” with “They really just tied a bunch of people to these burning wheels, huh….. rough..”

“I’m not good at archery, but the point is not about doing well, it’s about having fun.”

( sees enemies ) ( gasp ) two of them! ( dies )

Memeshart comes in again to say Pat missed a chest. Thank you for your service, Memeshart

Memeshart was right ( as always )

enemies: throw orbs pat: Is that allowed??

Still hasn’t seen the bone ball. Boneball watch 2k19

“Perfect for us whomst love to hate wear pants”

Spitballing this part because he hasn’t played it.

( picks up a reinforced club ) “I’ve joined the reinforced club. The club is me. I am the club.”

“goin’ on a quick loin cloth quest”

“I’m not sure what burning an undead bone shard does, but 420 was yesterday.” - I am not sure what this means but he isn’t wrong, I guess?

We’re gonna go burn an undead bone shard in a loincloth

“Loincloth is a bit more modest than previous ones but we got the legs exposed which is important” - good fashion advice from pat

“I do like the swing of the cloth it makes you think you might have a little peek if you get lucky”

“I’m touching a lady hold the fucking phone dude. Did I fail the touch?”

Young Man Charles was in the background for like 5 seconds and chat went absolutely nuts. As they should.

“I just wish we could get the ass out more in this game. I guess they cut down on the ass.”

Pat yeeted the sword master.

We’re gonna fuck up a tree. He’s the first or second big boss in Dark Souls 3

Content Warning: Nasty Boss. Pat’s gonna smack this tree’s groin area.

Faith is somehow not fond of this boss. I wonder why

Charlie showed up but Pat is busy busting these veggie’s nuts

Pat’s still adamant about not using the whip: “I’m not gonna whip this tree dude’s nards”

“Watchin’ Highlander on 4/20!”

Does not want to be hollow, would rather be ‘plump and svelte’

“I love when my elaborate attack doesn’t hit.” - A relatable gamer feel by Pat

Pat is having a sweaty one today

“We should clay-less…. We should mackle-less ( old man groaning noises )”

“I think the gentleman doth mackle too much.”

Oh, it’s drag JK Rowling o’clock! sipping_that_tea.jpg

According to Pat you psychologically cannot poop standing up

“Why did she say that? why did she do this?”

Chat says that babies poop standing up. Pat responds with, “Babies aren’t like us.”

“I’ve had enough poopoo peepee talk for today. Fuck JK Rowling.”

Chat is going full trans rights for seemingly no reason, it’s beautiful.

Was that little man always there? We may never know. Pat definitely does not remember the lil dude though, but seems to appreciate his presence nonetheless.

Here goes the french champagne

c h u n k y  r o l l i n ‘

admin duderave put that he spilled cottage cheese on himself in chat, “duderave… how much cottage cheese was spilled…”

admin duderave was laughed at for spilling cottage cheese on himself. it be like that sometimes.

Aerospoon back at it again gifting about 10 subs today. Nice goin’, buddy, doing God’s work on this fine Easter

He was talking about his next stream and got distracted by Charlie, as you do ( the next stream is tuesday at 8pm est )

He’s got the whole day off on Tuesday bc he worked pretty much all week due to traveling

After clicking around for a minute, decided to raid thatguyTagg, and said goodbye

End of stream!

[ofstagsanddoes]

celebrity au in which they have a very very public rivalry which involves twitter rants, fandom wars, tabloid articles stirring etc. until they're photographed holding hands and the internet has a meltdown

Okay so literally months ago (I’m awful), I was challenged with this prompt for the @jilychallenge coordinated by @hmionegrangr and my partner was @lamelylimes (who wrote me this glorious piece you can check out here). Needless to say, college work got away from me and I didn’t finish the piece on time BUT I did promise to finish it, so finish it I did. (Albeit very, very late. I hope you enjoy it). 

October 17th was the day they officially broke the Internet.

To be fair, the rivalry had started out as just that- a rivalry. She was competitive, and he was arrogant and that had lead to a fair amount of interweb war mongering.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                   Wow. I just love when I’ve beaten @quidditchjames’ offensive record but women still get paid half as much as men.

James Potter @quidditchjames                                                                             wow i just love when my records are beat by flukes

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                   Numbers don’t lie, babe.

James Potter @quidditchjames                                                                               listen. we’re gonna play a match against each other and then we’ll see who’s the real record holder

James Potter @quidditchjames                                                                               we’ll even do it for charity- all proceeds going to @witchesandwizardsforequality

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     It’s on like Donkey Kong.

James Potter @quidditchjames                                                                               i’m going to pretend i got that reference

And so it was determined; the match would be played and the rivalry would be settled. But of course that wasn’t the end of it.

THE DAILY PROPHET GABS, GOSSIP, AND GLAMOUR: STARS BANTER LEADS TO CHARITY MATCH

19/10/1979

Has James Potter waved his wand over the wrong spellbook?

The nineteen year old player for Puddlemere United has had a long time rivalry with fellow chaser Lily Evans of the Wimbourne Wasps. Interestingly, the two played together during their time at Hogwarts; Evans started the sport in her seventh year, with Potter (captain at the time) teaching her the ropes. The boy, like most of the world, wasn’t expecting what was in store for Evans, however, as she came out of nowhere to score a spot on one of the most competitive teams in the nation. Evans has gone on to become one of the best players in the sport, inciting a rivalry between the two former teammates.

Recently, the teen broke Potter’s offensive record, sparking a debate on Twitter between the two about who was the better player. The pair also discussed how women Quidditch players are often payed less than their male counter parts despite, as this new record proves, their comparable skill level. This led to the two starlets deciding to play a charity match where the proceeds will go towards Witches and Wizards for Equality- a foundation which promotes the equal pay of all genders.

The Twitter banter has lead many to speculate on the two’s romantic prospects- could we be witnessing a super couple in the making? The pair doesn’t seem to think so, however, as seen in Evans’ tweet from Tuesday:

Jacob Throne @jakeythrone                                                                                    @lilyevansofficial behind all this banter are we seeing a romance budding between you and @quidditchjames?

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     @jakeythrone I wouldn’t keep your hopes up, buttercup.

IQBS.COM: INTERNATIONAL QUIDDITCH BROADCASTING STATION LIVE STREAMING AND ONLINE ANNOUNCER TRANSCRIPT

Marcie Bendenberg: Well, Wendy, this isn’t something you see every day.

Wendy Lawrence: No, Marcie, it certainly isn’t, and that’s why so many members of the wizarding community have tuned in to watch today’s matchup between two of Quidditch’s hottest young chasers, Lily Evans of the Wimbourne Wasps and James Potter of Puddlemere United.

M: Yes, the two actually got in an argument on Twitter over who was the better player and agreed to play a match to settle it once and for all. All proceeds sold from tickets are to go charity, and it looks as though we’ve got a sold out crowd here.

W: It’ll certainly be an interesting match to watch, and for our viewers at home it’s important to note that this will not be a regular game of Quidditch. Instead, the pair will play each other one on one for five minutes, seeing who can score the most goals within that time period. What do you think of this matchup, Marcie?

M: Well, you know that I’ve always been an Evans fan- she’s a straight, no nonsense type of player that get’s the job done, but I will say that she’s got her work cut out for her. They both have that drive, that same innate level of talent, (and I think we can both agree the same competitive edge), but Potter plays with a sparkle that’s unparalleled in the sport as of now and that could bite Evans in the butt.

W: Then again, where he’s flashy she’s blunt and to the point, and I think that is oftentimes more effective.

M: Very true as well, I suppose we’re soon to see how it all plays out as the pair takes the field.

W: I’d like to take a moment to thank our sponsors for this match: Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion: “Two drops tames even the most bothersome barnet.” Sparkbucks: “The only way Wizards drink coffee.” and our charity for this event, Witches and Wizards for Equality.

M: Let’s play some Quidditch!

W: And, right off the bat Potter has the quaffle and is streaking towards the goal but…oh, that had to hurt, Evans knocks him hard in the shoulder and he drops the ball into her waiting hands.

M: And you know, she’s able to push him around so much in the air not because she is heavier than him, but because of the broom Potter flies on. Although the Nimbus Three Sixty is an exceptionally fast broom, it is lacking in the defensive departments. On her Comet 1000, Evans has a greater balance of speed and power, and this evens up the playing field greatly.

W: We’re seeing a lot of back and forth here, neither making much progress towards either set of hoops. Is this what you expected?

M: Honestly, we’re seeing some great Quidditch right here. You get this matchup between two of the best players in the nation and of course you’re going to have some what of a standstill. Now, eventually that standstill will break and-

W: Evans gets out of the tussle and heads towards those golden hoops. She chucks the quaffle towards the right one and…SCORES! Evans-10 Potter-0

M: Uh oh, though. It seems as if this has ignited a fire under Potter; he’s playing with more vigor than before!

W: Yes, this is definitely the player we’re used to seeing. Showy, but singleminded. He and Evans are diving and weaving around each other now, and it almost seems as though they’re…yelling at each other instead of playing Quidditch. That’s a new one.

M: Certainly. Especially as the clock shows that there are only sixty seconds left in the match; Potter needs to score!

W: Oh! But instead it is Evans who emerges from the altercation with the quaffle! And she’s racing towards the goal posts, Potter right on her tail. She’s got her work cut out for her, because, yes, Potter’s beaten her there, but will he pick the correct goal post to block? She chucks the quaffle and Potter’s diving and OH!

M: The quaffle careens into Potter’s head, sending him off course and crashing into one of the goal posts. That’s not good. He looks unconscious right now, the Mediwizards are flying onto the field.

W: But the quaffle did go in, and the score stands Evans-20 Potter-0, and this certainly- oh…oh my.

M: That was…unexpected.

W (laughing): Love does come to us in the most surprising of ways, doesn’t it? That’s all from us here at IQBS, we hope you enjoyed the brief commentary of the match. [Still giggling] Signing off for now.

THE DAILY PROPHET GABS, GOSSIP, AND GLAMOUR: YOUNG LOVE ON AND OFF THE PITCH

30/10/1979

On Friday night, all eyes were tuned to James Potter and Lily Evans as they played a Quidditch match to decide the better player. One expected to see a great game between the two exceptional players, which they got. The two young chasers battled so fiercely that only twenty points were scored in the five minute time allotment; both of those shots belonging to Evans.

However, the unexpected part of the evening was not the Qudditch playing itself, but rather the events that transpired afterwards.

During the last shot of the game, a rogue quaffle hit Potter in the head, causing him to crash into one of the goalposts and be knocked unconscious. Evans, instead of pausing to take in her game-winning shot, let out a yell and streaked down to catch Potter in her arms before the Mediwizards were able to get to him. An uncharacteristic show of affection between the two rivals? Perhaps. But even more surprising is what occurred next.

As the Mediwizards lowered him down to the ground and set about examining him, Evans was crying and crying, talking about how she hadn’t meant to hurt him and how he was such an idiot for trying to defend a goal so close to the posts and hadn’t he always told her that was foolish? The Mediwizards got him revived and all, and as soon as that boy opened his eyes Evans planted a big old kiss right on his lips.

Naturally, the internet has blown up at the idea of two such promising stars (and aforementioned rivals) falling in love, but there has been no word from either as Evans travelled with Potter to St. Mungo’s for further examination. With #lilypotter trending now on Twitter, who knew Quidditch could get so saucy?

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     James is fine; he has concussion but is expected to make a full recovery in time for Puddlemere’s next match.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     He wants everyone to know that he’s grateful for all the well wishes and he loves you all dearly.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     Also, he concedes that I am once and for all the better player.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     I’m being forced to reveal that he never said that and never will admit that.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     (Even though it’s correct.)

Jamie Bowler @jamieb23                                                                                         @lilyevansofficial WHAT’S UP WITH THE KISS????

Suzy Pemby @suzy.q1                                                                                             @lilyevansofficial the kiss???? what did it mean???

Marcie Bendenberg @marciebendenberg.official                                                    Honestly. We’ve got to know.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     What can I say.

Lily Evans @lilyevansofficial                                                                                     The boy has beautiful lips.

[sorentm]

25 years of Zero-G.

I am sitting in front of my browser staring at a big green button that says: “Release App”. If I press it, I will release my very own game, Zero-G, to Steam. It will go out there, people will probably play it, and some might have fun doing it. My game. I did it. I really did it.

The thing is… I am scared. Not that people will hate it. Well yes, that scares me too, but the thing that scares me most is… How will this affect me? I have lived with this game for almost 25 years, and now I am supposed to cut it loose?

25 years is a long time to develop one game. I mean, Duke Nukem Forever only took 15 and more than 25 versions of FIFA are available now, though none of them existed when I started.

Actually a lot of cool stuff did not exist when I started:

Playstation and Nintendo 64

DOOM (not even Wolfenstein 3D)

Web browsers (at least not publicly available).

C# and Java

DVD’s

SMS’s

mp3’s

GPS

...and some of my current colleagues.

So, what happened? Well, it’s a long story…

The Amiga Prototype.

So, you’ve probably figured that I am old. I am old enough to be one of the first kids to grow up with computer games. I got the Donkey Kong Game and Watch when I was 12 and the Commodore 64 the year after. And they completely blew my mind. Unfortunately, since I was both a lazy and pragmatic kid, I figured that it was about as realistic for me to make a living off computer games, as it would be to become an astronaut (my second choice). In the end I did not bother to really learn how to program.

But that all changed in 1990 with AMOS BASIC for the Amiga. AMOS was pretty much what you would call a game engine today like Unity or Unreal. All of a sudden, the stuff that would have taken months of hard work and dedication could be had with few lines of code.

Load IFF “BackgroundScreen.iff” Load "MyMusic.Abk" : Music 1 Double Buffer

BAM! A double buffered screen with a background image, and music playing! I started making games. All kinds of games. I would often give myself challenges like creating an entire 10 level platform game with all music and graphics in 24 hours, or a racing game in an afternoon.

And then I thought: Why not make “Ender’s Game - The Game”?

Ender’s Game has been my favorite book since it came out, and I thought the Zero Gravity shooting gameplay would probably be awesome. I planned to make it like all the other sports games with a character you controlled, and the rest of the team being controlled by the computer, but to test it out I initially mapped all characters to the same joystick, and was surprised to find that it actually made controlling the team both really fun and interesting. Unfortunately it also made shooting feel stupid since everybody shot at the same time in the same direction, so I replaced the guns with a ball, and thus, by accident, the game had designed itself.

To get some graphics I got hold of my good friend Søren Lundgaard, and after a long night of matches so intense that I ended up breaking a joystick in half, he was in - provided he was allowed to assist with the coding and design. By 1993 we’d gotten a pretty polished prototype up and running, and things were great!

PC versions, anyone?

But then again - not really great. We had taken AMOS as far as we could. Even with a new AMOS compiler the framerate simply could not reach acceptable levels, which made the gameplay feel sluggish. So we decided that we’d had our fun and put the game to rest.

I kept thinking about it though, and I would often showcase it to people and try to convince them to remake it on the PC. Since there were no easy-to-use game engines available I was obviously too lazy to do it myself.

I talked to this guy while we were at board-diving practice (Yes, that’s something I did). He was all in, and I promised to give him all the assets, so he could have a go at it. Then he jumped from the diving board and immediately dislocated his shoulder badly and never returned.

I then talked to this other guy I met at Computer Science. He was brilliant, very energetic, wanted very much to make a PC version, and he actually did get the assets. But then he disappeared for a few months. The next time I saw him he looked really bad-ass. He had lost some weight, and had shaved his head. I said to him: “Hey Peter! you are bald! You look AWESOME!”. He gave me this really weird look, had a long pause and then just said. “Yes”.

He then turned and walked away, and… well, you have guessed it. He died a few weeks later.

Needless to say that completely killed my enthusiasm for Zero-G and for the next 10 years I left it alone.

The Deadline Games version.

Jump cut to 2004. Somehow my good old pal Søren Lundgaard had managed to get me hired at Deadline Games, even though I had tried to sabotage it as much as I could, by mentioning the fact that I find most games boring at the job interviews. Each of the 4 times I applied. But hey, in the end I became a game programmer, and did not need to be an astronaut, which would have been a disaster anyways since I get dizzy from just about anything that moves.

I had been on the team that did Total Overdose, and while I did the PSP-remake Chili con Carnage we got a huge contract for Total Overdose 2, so we had moved into a big office-building and staffed up. Then all of a sudden the contract was cancelled. It later turned out, that our publisher, Eidos, was at the same time in contact with this other team that was brewing on a game called Just Cause - a game that in feature set turned out absurdly similar to the Total Overdose 2 game design! But they had fully functioning world-streaming tech already, so we got the axe.

That was disastrous.

We managed to stay afloat for quite some time by doing the two Watchmen games that were objectively rushed pieces of dung, but subjectively (when I think about how little time we actually had) are still games that I am personally really proud of. But none of our pitches sold, and money was gushing out. By January 2009 we were on the brink of going broke.

I told the producer about Zero-G and my extremely interesting story of that time when I broke a joystick in half, and I was given 3 weeks to do a prototype. After those 3 weeks everybody available jumped in and we had a manic development sprint for 3 months. The goal was to just get something, anything playable really, on Xbox Live Arcade and Playstation Network. These online stores  were booming at that time but were not flooded with games yet, so new releases still had a good shot at getting noticed. It might have made a difference…

… but we weren’t fast enough. In May 2009 Deadline Games went bankrupt.

     The Deadline Games version of Zero-G.

Rising from the ashes?

After the bankruptcy a group of us tried to buy the assets for Zero-G and our custom engine from the estate so we could form a miniature company and release it. Unfortunately someone else put more money on the table and bought everything in one go. We managed to buy the actual Zero-G assets from them, but they would not let us buy the engine. And in the end they would not even commit to supporting the engine if we licensed it, so the project was soon doomed.

Buying those assets seemed like an expensive life lesson, but at least it gave me a build of the game I could use to dazzle the guys at Playdead into hiring me for the LIMBO production.

The Unity Version.

And that would probably have been it, if it hadn’t been for a particularly nasty attack of midlife crisis that came for me around 2013. Usually, what you do about those is to buy a pinball machine, take up speed rollerskating or grow a weird beard, but in this case the normal cures did not work. So one lonely night when I was feeling particularly worthless I decided to make Zero-G one more time - just to show myself and the world that I could! Nothing is so bad, that it isn’t good for something, right?

At that time I had been working professionally on the game INSIDE for a few years, so I had gotten pretty confident with the Unity engine, and since I had all the assets already, all I had to do was to reimplement the entire game code - again. So I did, and it was more fun than ever. I could rant on about all the weird things I have had to do or learn because I had decided to rely on nobody else - as the time when I had to hand-build an animation in notepad, since I only had animation data in Deadlines own exported format, and one of them was so weird I could not reverse engineer it. Oh, good times. But I will tell you later. None of the stories are as interesting as the one with the broken joystick anyways.

And that brings me back to the big green button on my screen. Release App. What will likely happen is that my little anachronistic game will drown in the raging tsunami of indie games washing over Steam these days. And my life project will leave no more of a lasting impression than a wet footprint on a beach.

On the other hand, then I am free to do something else.

I’m gonna push the mother out of that button!