#not looking forward to programming saving functionality

[mizukidevlog]

Devlog 22

Another good week of game development.

Creating "pause" functionality was much harder than I thought it would be. Gamemaker Studio 2 has a helpful feature in its "Deactivate" functions, but those can only get you so far. That's what I spend most of my time this week working on.

There are two types of "pauses" in this game. The normal pause where you hit a button and bring up a menu. The other is a more temporary pause that the player can use to change which attack they're using. To work on that, I made two separate objects in Gamemaker to apply the different effects that I want. Sadly, they aren't quite finished yet, otherwise I'd love to show it off.

Here's what my menu code looks like if anyone is interested. Huge thanks to a Shaun Spalding tutorial I found online along with some other helpful posts. Just modified it so it would be tied to pressing and releasing a button rather than something that works like a switch.

Something I can show off is the finally-finished player UI. Above the health bar are the number of teleport charges the player has available, and inside the gold orb is the current attack that the player is using. (You'll see everything freeze in the video occasionally. That is me testing the pause functionality).

Looking forward to having pausing finished next week along with some combat polishing. Stay tuned!

[littlcdarlin]

Event Horizon

summary: When you start university to do your master’s in physics, you are more than surprised to meet your professor: Joel Miller, an old friend of your parents' who moved away years ago. word–count: 15k warnings: professor kink, power imbalance due to Joel being reader's professor, illegal relationship (overage & consenting), dbf!Joel, big fat age gap (unspecified but written with early 20s & mid 50s in mind), unprotected piv, just overall daddy issues (no use of the word daddy)

note: Okay, time to tell you I am a big nerd and studied physics in uni. Truth is, I quit to pursue a career in the arts, so my knowledge of masters level physics is...a little rusty. Please be lenient with me if I messed anything up. Also, I know most people hate physics, but I promise Joel makes it hot. Warning: explanation of the Dirac equation as foreplay. Also, I'm European and have no fucking clue how the American education system works but I don't care enough to do research. Enjoy <3333

event horizon noun ASTRONOMY a notional boundary around a black hole beyond which no light or other radiation can escape. a point of no return.

Uni felt different at eighteen, when everything was about moving out, drinking beer at frat parties, and kissing boys who didn’t grow up in the same town you did. It was an exciting time, the degree itself fading into the background of all sorts of new experiences, but now that you’re doing your masters, you plan on focusing on your your grades more than on partying.

You enrolled in a new university, farther away from home, with a better physics program, and although you’ve grown up considerably, you still feel that tingle of anxiety you did when you first walked to your dorm, fresh out of high school. This time you won’t have to share with another student, spending your saved money on a bit of privacy that is a single dorm room, but still, you wonder if you’ll make friends here, or if you’ll spend your night hauled up alone, watching trash TV and crying because you’re lonely.

The room is small, blank, but functional with a bathroom you share with another student and a small kitchenette, and immediately you dream of all the ways you could decorate it. You didn’t bring much, just a big suitcase and a few boxes your Dad dropped off earlier. You feel slightly guilty for leaving your parents behind, but the relief outweighs the guilt – you won’t have to come home every Sunday for dinner, visits will be scarce. You love you parents, but the distance is much needed.

You get to unpacking your clothes, reveling in the fact that you can listen to music without headphones in your very own space. You could do it in your underwear, or naked, you could sing and dance along, and nobody would be bothered by it. It’s going to be a tough two years, the program you chose more than challenging, but a childish sort of giddiness fills you – no roommate to be considerate of, no parents to visit and take care of every week. This time in your life is about you, and only you – your career, but also your well-being. You promise yourself to do what makes you happy, instead of looking out for everyone else all of the time, and you’ll start by ordering Thai food and watching the trashiest movie with the hottest actors you can find on the little flatscreen you brought with you.

***

Your first lecture is Computational Physics – the one you’re looking forward to the least. The reason you decided to study physics at all was the predictable logic behind each problem, but the more you studied, the more complex the problems got, until they were impossible to solve analytically. Now you get to solve fluid dynamic equations and simulate quantum systems on a Monday morning instead of having a peaceful cup of coffee and taking a walk around campus.

The lecture hall is big, and you pick a seat that is neither too far away to be able to read the professor’s notes, nor close enough to immediately be pinned as an over-eager teacher’s pet. In the end, you plop down next to a girl who’s sitting alone, something about her shaved head and countless earrings making you think she wouldn’t make fun of you even if you didn’t understand a single thing all lecture.

"Okay if I sit here?", you ask somewhat timidly, trying hard not to sound too much like an eleven year old Ron Weasley boarding the train to Hogwarts.

"Please," the girl answers, "I don’t know anybody here."

"Did you move here, too?"

"Yeah, I’m from New York."

"You look it," you say with a smile, eyes drifting over her clothes and jewelry.

"Thanks…I guess?", she answers, her grin revealing a charming gap between her front teeth. "I’m Alva."

You introduce yourself, thankful to have found someone you can stick to already. Throughout the lecture you find out that apart from being much cooler than everyone else in the room, Alva has a biting sense of humor, and a near endless knowledge of computational physics. You make a mental note to ask her to study together, her explanations much easier to understand than the professor’s.

The two of you spend your lunch break together, and you tell her a little bit about yourself, but way too soon it’s time to go already – you have Advanced Quantum Mechanics in a different lecture hall. This you find way more interesting, basic quantum mechanics was one of your favorite lectures during your bachelor’s degree. As Alva and you sit down, you find yourself hoping you’ll be able to help her out this time, or you’d feel like a leech for making her help you with Computational. She doesn’t seem bothered, though, and keeps babbling happily about a band she recently discovered.

"– Britpop, but they only put out two albums. I think they were like a student band or something? They’re wildly underrated, I’ll send you a song, their debut is called The Sun Is Often Out."

Your thoughts start to wander off a little, eyes drifting over the old-fashioned chalkboards, when the door at the front of the lecture hall opens, and a tall man walks in – a man you recognize.

"Holy shit," you whisper, interrupting Alva’s rant about the Longpigs, and she turns her head to look at what you’re staring at.

"Damn," she says with a grin, "if I wasn’t gay, I’d want a piece of that."

"No," you snort, "I know him. He’s my Dad’s friend."

Alva opens her mouth to say something, but at that moment, Joel Miller steps forward, checking to see if the microphone is working, and introduces himself to the hundreds of students in front of him. His voice is deep, and as warm as you remember it, but that’s where the accuracy of your memories ends – your childish brain failed to register the tanned forearms and rolled up sleeves, the carelessly styled curls, the perfect side-profile. He’s got grey streaks in his hair now, which should send you into a crisis about time passing and your own little life being finite, but instead it makes your stomach swirl with something dangerous. Joel Miller, the Joel Miller, who organized backyard barbecues with your father and bought your favorite vegan sausages when your Dad rolled his eyes at you, who made strawberry lemonade instead of lemon, because he knew you preferred it, who helped you with your physics homework when you were graduating high school and didn’t rat you out when he caught you smoking at seventeen – he’s handsome.

There’s still a familiarity about him, the way he moves and talks, although it’s unsettling to see him in such a different environment. You’re used to band-tee-Joel, beer bottle and tongs in his hands, a breezy smile on his face. He looks different here, in a white button-down, with a stern expression on his face, as he’s reading the names on his list to check attendance. When he calls Alva’s name and she raises her hand, his eyes flicker upwards, but he doesn’t look at you. Still, your stomach lurches. If you listen carefully, you can detect that southern twang in his voice you’re sure most people would miss, and it fills you with satisfaction to know you’re the one who knows him best in this room – you’re sure half the lecture hall must see how attractive he is.

When he reads out your name, there’s a surprised lilt to his tone, and your heart threatens to skip a beat.

"Here."

Your eyes meet, and although his expression doesn’t change, he holds your eyecontact for a second too long. Alva nudges your side and grins.

Your plans about outshining Alva and returning the favor of helping with a lecture are quickly buried by Joel Miller’s beautiful hands – thick fingers holding a piece of chalk almost tenderly, twirling it around when he isn’t writing on the chalkboard. You vaguely register him introducing the Dirac equation, but as interesting as you would normally find it, your thoughts are stuck between memories of barbecues and the realization that you will have to call the man who taught you to drive Professor Miller.

If Alva notices your wandering mind, she doesn’t comment on it, which you’re thankful for. You do notice her throwing you a couple of knowing glances, as you copy down what Joel is writing down, mixing up gamma, delta, and the Dirac spinor.

"Alright, so you all know how Schrödinger’s equation works great for quantum mechanics, but it doesn’t play nicely with Einstein’s relativity, right? That’s a problem because electrons move fast, sometimes close to the speed of light, so we need an equation that respects both quantum mechanics and special relativity. That’s where Dirac steps in."

He’s still got that warm way of explaining things your Dad never managed when you needed help in high school, like he enjoys clearing things up for people. He’s a born teacher, patient when you panicked in the car because you confused the clutch and the break, persistent when you wanted to throw your physics book against a wall. Look, kid, think of it this way: Push harder, it moves faster. Make it heavier, it’s harder to move. If you apply a force F to an object with mass m, it will accelerate a. That’s why your Dad’s car takes longer to stop than your bike. Even now, he manages to make a far more complex equation than Newton’s second law tangible.

"Dirac's equation is like the grown-up version of Schrödinger’s equation. It explains how particles with spin-half, like electrons, behave when they move at relativistic speeds. The gamma mu matrices make sure the equation works in four-dimensional spacetime, meaning three space dimensions plus time. The psi is a spinor, which is just a fancy way of saying that an electron isn’t just a simple wave function, it actually has spin built into its nature. Now, can anyone think of a situation where we would need to use this equation instead of the regular Schrödinger equation?"

Nobody raises their hand, most people still busy with writing down Joel’s complicated notes, and as if on cue, his eyes are on yours when you look up from your notebook. He raises an eyebrow, and you see the corner of his mouth twitch almost imperceptibly. Then, he calls your last name, a formal Miss dripping off his tongue as if he hasn’t called you kiddo for most of your life. It’s almost like he’s making a joke only the two of you are able to understand, and the thought thrills you to your bone. Two can play this game – you smile back.

"Sure, Professor Miller. You’d use it for studying high-energy particles, like electrons in particle accelerators, because it accounts for relativistic speeds. It’s also needed for situations where particles are created or destroyed, which Schrödinger’s equation doesn’t cover."

Again, his eyes linger on yours, and his slightly amused smile turns into a more genuine one at your answer. You let out a relieved sigh.

"Exactly," Joel answers, his attention on the rest of the class again, "Someone payed attention during Basic Quantum Mechanics. Now, here’s where it gets wild. When Dirac wrote this down, he realized it naturally predicts antiparticles, meaning for every electron, there should be a mirror-image particle with opposite charge, which we now call the positron. That was a huge deal because it wasn’t something people were expecting, it just fell out of the math."

For the rest of the class, Joel doesn’t continue that little game between the two of you, but whenever he asks a question, his gaze flickers over you, and your stomach gives an embarrassing little jump. Alva grins whenever this happens, but for most of the class she’s busy following Joel’s explanations.

"I want you to read up on today’s lecture," Joel says at the end of the lecture, and writes down a few page numbers on the chalkboard, "and solve the problems I mentioned earlier. Attendance isn’t mandatory, we’re all adults here, but I urge you to come if you’re interested in graduating in the next three years. Trust me, it’s easier to just do the work here than in your dorms. Now, enjoy the weather, see you Monday."

You and Alva pack up your things, and before she can ask you which class you have next, you pick up your backpack.

"I’m gonna say hi to him," you tell her, nodding in Joel’s direction, "my Dad and him go way back."

"Sure," Alva says, a cheeky smile on her face, "it’d be rude not to."

"Meet you outside?"

"I’ll be at the vending machine. Go get him," she jokes, and you snort.

Joel is packing up his course materials when you make your way down the steps and to his desk, but he looks up when he hears you coming towards him, and immediately his face splits into a smile. If you were anywhere else and ten years younger, he’d probably ruffle your hair.

"Good lecture," you say, "Dad didn’t tell me you’re teaching again."

Joel puts his piece of chalk into a tin box and nods.

"I don’t think he knows. You know how it is, we never get around to callin’ and I haven’t been home in a while."

So this is a new development, perhaps even Joel’s first semester back at university, too.

"What about the contracting? Don’t you miss the…pipes?"

He chuckles at your lack in basic contracting knowledge, his eyes not moving from yours.

"Ah, that was always Tommy, he just needed a little help. Company’s doin’ well now, though, so he’ll manage without me."

You think you remember Tommy – a man good-naturedly chasing you and the rest of the giggling neighborhood kids with a harden hose – but the memory is too vague to be sure it’s really him.

"You’ve grown up," Joel says, almost accusingly, and you shrug and smile. "Doin’ your master’s already. How come you’re familiar with Dirac?"

His accent is much thicker now that it’s only the two of you, and you notice a hint of pride when he asks about your correct answer to his question during the lecture. The satisfied feeling it gives you is still the same as when he high-fived you after your drivers test, or when he patted your back after you solved a problem for school without his help.

"Summer reading," you admit, trying hard not to sound like a nerd, "Basic Quantum Mechanics was my favorite lecture as an undergrad."

Joel smiles at you, and puts his notes into his leather bag. He slings it across his shoulder, and nods towards the door.

"How would you like to grab a coffee and tell me all about what’s been goin’ on with you and your old man?"

Your eyes flicker briefly over his hand, gripping the strap of his bag, and you raise an eyebrow.

"What’s the policy for staff having coffee with their students, Professor?"

Joel holds your gaze, the corners of his mouth twitching.

"I’m actually not sure, Miss, I’ve never had to check before."

He’s playing along, and it feels dangerously blurry – yes, he’s your Dad’s old friend, your childhood neighbor, but it feels like more than just joking around.

"Does that mean I’m your first, then?", you ask, voice sweet and close to flirting now. The smile freezes on Joel’s face, and his gaze becomes almost calculating.

"Am I yours?" he asks you softly, and the double-meaning behind his question isn’t lost on you. You feel a thrilling pang in your stomach – Joel Miller is flirting with you.

***

You do end up getting coffee after you tell Alva you’ll meet her later, Joel reassuring you it won’t get him into trouble, and you’re fascinated to see he still drinks it black. What fascinates you even more is that you remember how he takes his coffee, and you wonder why your brain filed this fact away as important, not to be forgotten.

"So, when did you graduate? Sorry I missed it."

There’s honest regret in his voice, which surprises you. Joel was always a warm person, but you figured he cared for you as much as he would have for any kid living across the street.

"Last June," you tell him, dropping a sugar cube into your cappuccino. "I spent the summer working, and now I’m here."

"How d’you like it so far?"

You give a nervous chuckle, torn between the honest truth and pleasant small talk. You opt for the former – this is Joel, after all, not some stranger.

"To be honest with you, I oscillate between enjoying my freedom away from Mom and Dad, and being scared shitless by starting over somewhere new," you admit, looking at your coffee. You haven’t told people about your fear, and it feels good to finally admit it – the grip your parents have had on you makes your newfound freedom almost uncomfortable.

"What d’you mean, startin’ over?", Joel asks, his voice strikingly gentle. You sigh, and shrug.

"I know the distance is good for me, but it was comfortable, just doing what my parents expected of me. I had good grades, nice friends, and just the right amount of drunken nights for them not to worry about my social life too much," you explain, "and now it’s like…there’s so much room to be someone else, cause they won’t see it anyway."

You look up, embarrassed to have spilt your guts like this, but Joel looks thoughtful, his thumb moving along the handle of his coffee cup.

"Sorry," you mutter, "I know they’re your friends, but they can be…"

"Overbearing?"

You smile at him gratefully and he smiles back.

"Look, I know your parents pretty well. They love you to bits, but as an adult I imagine it must be stiflin’.“

"Yeah," you sigh, grateful for his understanding, "I feel like I don’t know who I am when I’m not…their kid."

Joel nods, and sips his coffee, apparently pondering what you said.

"I promised myself I would only do what makes me happy while I’m here," you tell him sheepishly, as if it’s a secret, and Joel laughs.

"Well, I’m not expectin’ you to hand in any homework, then."

You grin, too, and shake your head. It’s surreal, Joel being your professor, and you wearing your heart on your sleeve for him.

"Don’t worry, Professor Miller, I’m not dropping your class."

"You’d better not, it’d really hurt my feelings," Joel says, eyes trained on yours. Again, that blurriness set in motion by the change of his role in your life: neighbor to professor to – what?

"What about you, though? This your first semester here?"

"Second," he tells you, "but I still don’t feel at home. Once a Texan, always a Texan, I guess."

You cock your head and watch him drain the last of his coffee, the cup tiny in his hands.

"What?" he asks you, curiosity evident in his voice.

"You look so different," you say, and Joel scoffs.

"Well, that’s real nice. Know I’m not thirty anymore, but geez–"

"No," you say with a grin, "it’s not that. I don’t know, I’ve just never seen you teach before. Or dressed this nice – I remember you mowing the lawn in a Fleetwood Mac shirt, not checking attendance in a button down."

Joel’s cheeks go slightly pink, and he scoffs again.

"Well, I can’t show up here in a band tee, can I? Gotta dress the part," he mutters.

"I get it. You suit it," you tell him, if only to see that blush appear on his face again. He looks up at you, holding your gaze for a couple of seconds, then he shakes his head.

"What were the odds of us meetin’ like this, huh? I gotta call your father and tell him."

Something about that bothers you, you’d prefer for your parents not to know. You like sitting here with Joel, reminiscing the old times, without anybody getting a peek in.

"Or not," he says gently, seeing the expression on your face.

"Sorry," you say, "course you can tell him."

"You apologize a lot," he tells you, and you fight the urge to say sorry once again. "It’s okay, I’m not tellin’ anyone, kid. ’S just you n me."

That pang in your stomach again, and you nod.

"Alright," you answer, "just us."

You get a refill for the two of you, and a blueberry muffin to split, which feels strangely intimate, but Joel pats his stomach and jokes about keeping an eye on his figure, so you grin, and ask the barista to cut it in half. Joel asks you about your friends, and you tell him about Alva.

"Oh yes," he says and swallows a bite of the muffin, "that punky lookin’ kid who sits next to you?"

"Yeah, she’s nice. Haven’t really met anyone else."

"Geez, I’m not keepin’ you from findin’ frat boys to hook up with, am I?"

You laugh, the idea of sitting here with a twenty-something year old kid named Cole or Josh instead of him so absurd, you can’t help it.

"No," you tell him, "I’m honestly enjoying the fact that I don’t have to have someone else in my dorm anymore."

"Well, that’s a relief to hear," Joel says, "they’re all dipshits."

You remember him telling you something similar about the boys in high school, and it makes you smile. He’s still got that protective streak, then.

"To tell you the truth, I’m glad you’re here," you say quietly, "if I’m not making any friends, I can come crying to you."

Joel watches you for a couple of seconds, not laughing as you intended, but taking your words seriously.

"Course you’ll make friends. Give it a couple of weeks, and you’ll have forgotten all about physics cause you’ll be skippin’ classes left and right to hang out with people."

You don’t tell him, but you think it’s very unlikely you’ll skip any of his classes. Still, you appreciate his words and how confident he seems to be in your ability to open up to people.

"Well, will you give me the answers to your exams if I skip your class?"

"No way," he says with a cheeky smile, the crinkles around his eyes prominent. "I don’t do preferential treatment. You wanna split another blueberry muffin?"

You grin.

"Thought you were watching your waistline."

"I am, that’s why I’m only eating halves."

***

Your afternoon with Joel leaves you on a high for the rest of the day, feeling much less lonely now that you’ve had a conversation beyond the usual so how many siblings do you have? and where did you do your undergrad?

You start spending your lunch breaks with Alva and some friends she made in another lecture, all of whom are very nice. In the evenings you all go to see a movie or have dinner together in any of your dorm rooms, and although you walk around campus holding out one eye for Joel, you don’t see him for the rest of the week. There is always a nudge of disappointment in your stomach, when you glance in the direction of his office, and the door is closed, but you’re so busy, you don’t dwell on it too much. The days pass in a blur of new lectures, swapping music with Alva, and evenings spent as a group of six, and suddenly it’s Sunday again. You aren’t too sad the weekend is already over, and you know exactly why you’re looking forward to Monday, but you don’t allow yourself to think about Joel any more than you can help.

In the afternoon, while you’re doing Joel’s assignment for the next class, your mother calls, and you answer the phone with a mixture of feelings.

Hi, my darling, how are you doing?

"Hi, Mom. I’m good, just doing my work for tomorrow. How are you?"

Good, good. How was your first week? Did you meet anyone nice?

Hah, if she only knew. It feels deceptive, not telling her about Joel, but you like that for now, he’s just yours.

"Yes, this girl called Alva. We and some guys hang out a lot, there’s a cinema near by, but the lectures are pretty hard, so we only have the evenings off."

Well, I’m glad you found some nice people! Dad says hi, he’s making dinner. Anyway, baby, we miss you terribly. Do you know when you’ll be coming home?

"I just got here, Mom."

You sigh so quietly your mother can’t hear it, guilt already nagging at your heart. Sunday is the day you would usually be coming home for dinner, and you know it’s no coincidence your parents called you now.

Of course, you’re right. It’s just not easy for your Dad and me, you know? You’ve never been this far from home, and you’re our baby.

Yeah, you think, your adult baby. You sigh again.

"I don’t know if I’ll come this month, I’m still sort of settling in. But I’ll let you know if there’s a free weekend next month, alright?"

Sure, that sounds great. Will you send us some pictures of your friends, and your room?

"Sure," you say, but it bugs you that you’re giving in. Already, you’re breaking the promise you made yourself, and letting your parents further into your life here than you’re comfortable with.

"Mom, I gotta go, I’ve still got some problems to solve and I’m meeting Alva for dinner soon."

Okay, darling, enjoy your night! And make yourself heard. I love you!

"Love you, too! Talk soon."

Your kind, clingy mother, whose greatest pain is not knowing if you’re safe. In a way you miss her, and you feel guilty for being annoyed. Still, you know you have to gently nudge her away from you, or she’ll suffocate you one day. It makes you angry with yourself, because you know your Mom would have liked nothing more than to hear all about your week, but as soon as she asked you a question, you felt like your seventeen year old self again, getting yelled at because you stayed up past your curfew, and your parents didn’t know where you were.

Tears of frustration spring to your eyes – the mix of feelings too much for you to handle. You wipe them away with the back of your hand, breathe in shakily, and try to focus on your assignment again, but now you’re riled up, and the tears won’t stop.

It’s hard for you to deal with disappointing your parents, forcing them away when they would like nothing more than to know everything that’s going on in your life. So, instead of preparing for Joel’s lecture, you cry on your bed, feeling lonely and angry with yourself for hurting them. You know your reaction is disproportionate, but everything you kept buried while you lived close to your parents comes bubbling out of you.

You call Alva, tell her you have cramps because of your period and just want to stay in bed. She’s understanding, asks you if there’s anything she can do, even offers to bring you takeout or a hot water bottle, which makes you feel all the worse for lying to her. You decline her offer, tell her you’ll meet her Monday morning. In the evening, you regret not letting her bring over a real meal, eating cold pasta in your underwear, tears still running down your face and making your head pound.

***

On Monday, you feel slightly better, your headache is gone and your face isn’t as puffy as you expected it to be. Still, you’re in a solitary mood, and are glad to find Alva is able to keep up an entire conversation virtually by herself – you just grunt from time to time, or give noncommittal movements of your head in vague agreement. You hope if she notices your bad mood, she just thinks it has to do with your period.

Computational Physics is hell – you dislike it on the best of days, but guilt ridden and tired, you’re barely able to pay attention at all, and the professor’s handwriting is so bad, you end up copying down Alva’s notes instead. She’s kind about it, slides over her notebook at an angle that makes it easy to read, and you make a mental note to thank her for being so kind to you while you’re offering nothing but a scowling expression all day. Maybe you’ll cook for her, or make a mixtape of your favorite songs, just to show her you’re interested in being actual good friends.

Lunch passes easily, as always you sit with Alva and the guys, and there’s enough people for you to stare at your mashed potatoes and repeatedly stab them with your fork instead of eating them. They taste like flour mixed up with water, and you dream up your father’s Sunday dinner instead, but it does little to help with the taste.

"So, you lookin’ forward to flirting with Miller in front of the whole lecture hall again?" Alva asks you, as you’re making your way to said room. You glare at her, but can’t help the corners of your mouth twitching.

"Wasn’t flirting with him," you answer, kicking a pebble, "I grew up across the street from him, I’ve known him practically my whole life."

"Whatever you say, grumpy," Alva teases, nudging your shoulder with hers. You’re overcome with a rush of gratitude for the way she treats you, persistently kind and humorous. You chuckle, your mood lifting slightly.

"He’s probably been waiting for you to turn legal," she continues, and you groan.

"Gross, Alva, he’s not a creep."

"I’m just saying, if your little connection gets you the answers to his tests, you could sell them and become rich."

"I already asked him, he said no," you say darkly, thinking of the nights you’ll have to spend studying to pass his exam. This makes Alva laugh her brilliant laugh, and you can’t help but smile, too.

"Damn," she grins, "I’d try if he wasn’t a guy."

You snort.

"You try with Professor Carter, I need the answers to Computational," you suggest, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively.

"You’re joking, but I bet once you get her out of her frumpy cardigans, she’s a real–"

"Okay, stop," you grown, the image of Professor Carter taking off her cardigans worse than her keeping them on – if possible. Alva giggles.

"I’ll help you with Computational," she says, "if you help me with Quantum Mechanics."

"You’re good at both," you argue, and Alva shrugs.

"Not like you, though. I spent like four hours doing Miller’s assignment last night."

You want to tell her you didn’t do it at all, but before you can open your mouth, she spots a friend in the crowd, grabs your arm and drags you over to him.

The three of you sit down together, closer to the front than the week before, which gives you a direct line of sight to Joel’s desk. When he walks in, your stomach jumps – he’s wearing a tie today, a dark burgundy or blue, you aren’t sure from this distance, flecked with specks of white. Again, his hair is styled in that carelessly disheveled look you like so much, and the image of him putting gel in it makes you smile. He gets out his materials for the lecture, and looks up, his eyes finding yours – you smile and he gives a small nod. Again you’re struck by how different he acts in front of the class, how serious he seems. You think of his laid back manner when you had coffee, and struggle to make the images align. Joel clears his throat, and the chatter around you stops.

"Quiet, please, everyone. Thank you. So, last week, we found out that Dirac’s equation predicts the existence of antiparticles. But instead of just accepting that, let’s think deeper—mathematically, what feature of the equation forces this conclusion?"

Joel jumps right into the lecture, and just like last week, nobody raises their hands – you curse the people around you for their lethargy, because sure enough, Joel’s eyes land on you. Before you can shake your head to signal to him not to ask you, he calls your name.

"If I remember correctly, you were already familiar with Dirac’s equation last week. What would you say, what does the existence of negative-energy solutions tell us, and why couldn’t we just ignore them?"

You wish you could answer him, know he asked you because he was sure you’d know the answer, perhaps hoped your enthusiasm for the subject would get the rest of the students to participate more, but you didn’t do the assignment, and you’ve already half forgotten his question. You swallow.

"Um…I…I’m not sure, Sir," you say, watching the way his brows furrow, and looking down at your notes. Alva shoots you a curious look, and when she sees your expression, she raises her hand. You’re thankful to have Joel’s attention diverted, feeling like a fool in front of hundreds of students you’re trying to make friends with.

"Dirac’s equation gives positive and negative energy solutions, and at first, the negative ones didn’t make sense. Dirac suggested they represent antiparticles, like the positron, which he predicted. The idea was that electrons could, like, jump into these negative-energy states, creating a hole that looks like a positron, which was later confirmed experimentally," Alva explains instead of you.

"You're close, but electrons don’t actually 'jump into' negative-energy states. Instead, Dirac proposed that these states are already filled, forming what he called the Dirac Sea. A positron isn’t an electron jumping down, it’s actually a 'hole' left when a negative-energy electron gets excited to a positive-energy state. That distinction is important because it explains why positrons have the opposite charge. Good answer, though, thank you Ms. Bennet."

Joel’s eyes flicker over to you again, but you show no reaction, and he continues with his lecture without asking you another question. Alva glances at you inquiringly, and you sigh.

"I wanted to do the assignment yesterday, but my cramps were really bad," you explain quietly, and she nods sympathetically.

"Call me next time, I’ll send you my answers," she whispers, and you smile gratefully. It seems you really hit the jackpot in friendship when you sat down next to Alva.

***

After Joel’s lecture, you and Alva make your way over to the vending machine, because it has the sour patches she likes, and in her own words she’ll combust if she doesn’t eat some right fucking now.

"Shit," she curses, "they’re stuck."

"Let me," a voice comes from a behind you, and when you turn around, Joel is smiling at the two of you. "Took me a while to figure this thing out, too."

Alva steps aside, and Joel bangs his palm against the side of machine. You jump, but the sour patches make their tumbling way down to the dispenser.

"Great! Thanks, Professor Miller," Alva says, ripping the bag open and offering it to the two of you. To your surprise, Joel takes her up on it, and Alva grins at you.

"You were quiet during today’s lecture," Joel says tentatively, when he’s swallowed his sour patch "everything alright?"

You glance at your shoes.

"Um, yeah. I wasn’t feeling well yesterday, and I left your assignment for last, so…I didn’t do it."

Joel’s expression grows worried, and Alva glances between the two of you.

"Hey, I’m meeting Max for coffee," she tells you, "see you later?"

"Yeah," you answer, grateful she’s granting you this time alone with Joel, "see you, Alva."

When she’s gone, Joel is still looking at you with that worried look on his face, and you sigh.

"Sorry about the assignment," you say, "won’t happen again."

"I’m not worried about the assignment," Joel says earnestly, but then he turns his head, and you know he doesn’t want someone listening in. Sure, you can be seen chatting in the university cafe, but this conversation is rapidly blurring the lines between scholarly and – something else.

"I…have some materials in my office that might make it easier for you to catch up with the lectures again," Joel tells you, and you understand the underlying meaning. Let’s talk in my office.

"Thank you," you say, relieved, and Joel nods, eyes still glued to yours, brows still furrowed. You walk to his office making smalltalk about the lecture, which to anyone listening in would seem like a normal conversation between a professor and an interested student.

Joel opens the door to his office for you, and lets you step in first. It’s small, cramped bookshelves on the walls and a sturdy desk in the middle that is littered with notes, pencils, books, and a couple of old coffee mugs. You notice he put part of his books sideways onto the shelves, which you find weirdly endearing. This is the Joel you know – clutter and warmth.

He closes the door behind you, and you turn around to watch him drop his bag and walk over to the kettle in the corner of the room.

"Coffee?"

"Please," you sigh, "if you don’t have anything stronger."

He raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t answer, just turns on the already filled kettle, and gets two clean cups for the two of you.

"I only have drip coffee," he tells you, "I don’t drink that crap the machines brew up."

"That’s fine, I enjoy the medieval feel of it."

"Watch it," he answers, a smile tugging on his lips, "don’t insult my coffee filter in front of me."

You grin, and walk over to his bookshelf to have a look.

"So, what’s going on?" he asks you while pouring the boiling hot water over the coffee grounds. Again, the Joel you remember – empathetic, but unusually direct. You sigh, turn around and shrug.

"Mom and Dad called yesterday, and I could tell they missed me, but I just…I cut them off after two minutes."

Joel places the cups on his desk, and leans against it. His sleeves are rolled up again, and when he crosses his arms, you feel that familiar pang in your stomach.

"And now I…I don’t know, I feel so guilty, Joel. They’re not even being dicks about it, but I just know they’d prefer for me to check in with them more…and the worst thing is, I know it’s not a big deal. They’ll get over it, they’ve got a good life without me constantly in it, so I don’t know why my stupid brain can’t just let this go, you know? One I miss you, darling, and I’m reduced to this pathetic mess, instead of just, I don’t know, getting my shit together."

You shake your head and clench your teeth, once again embarrassed to come crying to Joel about your parental issues, but he’s the only one you can tell. Sure, Alva would probably listen, but you don’t feel like explaining your family to a near stranger. Joel just gets it. Joel knows you.

He’s looking at you, arms still crossed, and for a second you worry he might not want to hear about your little breakdown, but then he sighs.

"You have your shit together all of the fuckin’ time, kid, I think that might be the problem," he tells you quietly. "You’ve always been so hard on yourself."

He’s right, once again he sees what you struggle to show the world, and his words make tears spring to your eyes. You will your eyeballs to suck them back in, but of course, Joel sees.

"Hey now," he says, taking a tentative step towards you. One tear drops from the end of your lashes and down your cheek, and the dam is broken again – they come spilling in floods. Joel crosses the room in a second, and there is a slight moment of hesitation between the two of you, before you bury your face in his chest, and let your restraint fall. You cry quietly, feel him wrap his arms around you, as he rocks you back and forth.

"You’re alright," he tells you, "Shhh, it’s okay, you’re alright."

"S-s-sorry about the assignment," you manage, and Joel’s hand starts stroking your back.

"Jesus, kid, stop worryin’ about the fucking assignment," he tells you, voice low and worried. "You don’t gotta be so strict with yourself. You’re doin’ just fine."

He smells so much like home, you think you might never stop crying.

"I don’t know what’s wrong with me," you hiccup, "One week here and I’m a mess already."

You feel Joel rest his chin on your head, and his arms tighten around you.

"There’s nothin’ wrong with you, you hear me? You hold yourself to high standards. Creates pressure, kid."

As always, he’s right of course – you want to excel academically, you don’t want to hurt your parents, you want to stay true to yourself and do what makes you happy, you want to make friends without compromising your grades. It’s impossible.

You breathe in shakily, your eyes closed, face buried in Joel’s chest, and for a second he is all that exists – just Joel, all around you, pulling you to the earth. Slowly, your breathing calms, Joel still rocking you soothingly, holding you close.

"There we go," he mutters, when your chest stops shaking, "that’s good."

When you pull away from him, he puts his hands on your shoulders to really look at you, and although you’re embarrassed by your outburst, you’re glad he doesn’t shy away from you.

"I want you to start being a little more lenient with yourself, alright? You don’t need to worry about an assignment on top of everything."

His hands are rubbing your shoulders, his eyes are kind and warm.

"Maybe not about yours, but I have like five other lectures –"

"Okay, so try to stop worrying about my assignments, just mine. Won’t bite your head off if you don’t do them, and I’ll only ask you questions when you raise your hand, alright? In fact, for the rest of the term, I want you to hand them in late."

Despite yourself, your lips pull up in a small smile.

"That’s silly, Joel," you say softly, but he shakes his head.

"It’s not silly, it’s practice to get you out of your comfort zone."

You consider his words for a moment. You do keep a pretty tight reign on yourself, and just the thought of doing every assignment late makes your skin crawl with anxiety. But when will you get another chance to step out of your comfort zone as safely as now, with Joel? He’s offering you a way to try it without actually risking your grades. And who knows, perhaps it actually will take a little bit of pressure off of you.

"Okay," you answer, staring up at Joel with puffy cheeks and teary eyes. "Alright."

He smiles at you, but he still looks worried and you wish he’d pull you close to him again. It’s such a relief to have this sort of human contact with someone who really knows you.

"Feel better?"

You sigh, and nod.

"It’s just a lot, you know, uni and my parents, and every social interaction feels like such a chore, cause I don’t know people yet. I feel like I’m not even relaxed when I’m asleep."

Joel hesitates for a moment, before he speaks, but when he does, he sounds determined.

"Come over tonight, I’ll make us somethin’ to eat, and you don’t have to worry about talkin’ to anyone. We’ll watch whatever you’d like. You still enjoy those crappy horror movies?"

You smile at the shared memory – Joel letting you use his living room to watch slashers your parents didn’t want you to see. One summer, when the heat was so stifling you barely went outside, you practically lived at his place, and when you’d seen all the DVDs he owned, he got you more from the video store.

"I do," you say quietly, the fact that Joel remembers more important to you than his proposal to spend the evening together. You feel significantly less alone, all of a sudden.

"Alright, then. Be over at seven,“ Joel tells you, and you nod, wiping your wet face with the back of your hand.

"Thank you, Joel," you say, and hug him again, because you don’t know how to tell him in words what you’re feeling, and his big, warm body against yours feels more than soothing.

"Course, kid. Just don’t tell Alva, or they’ll fire me."

You smile, your arms still wrapped around his neck, as he holds you.

"But I don’t wanna get you in trouble, what if–"

"No," Joel interrupts you, "no what ifs. No worryin’. I forbid it."

And you accept it, leave it to Joel, because he tells you to – because you don’t have any room in your head for more worries, and because you trust Joel not to do anything reckless. You trust him, period.

***

You text Alva you’re having dinner alone, that your cramps are still acting up, and you do feel slightly bad for lying, but you would never risk Joel’s job. The idea of having dinner with him at his place should make you nervous after your change in feelings about him, but you’re just looking forward to having a meal with someone who knows you, and lets you be yourself.

Joel asked you to be there at seven, so you spend the rest of the afternoon in your dorm room, wondering if you should change your outfit or if it would seem desperate – in the end, you keep the jeans but change into a blouse instead of a sweater. The part of you that stares at Joel’s forearms during class now wants to look pretty for him, so that he’ll ask you over again. You know you’re being ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop you from putting on your nicest perfume.

You’re ten minutes early, so you sit in your little second hand car and try not to panic. You know Joel is merely trying to be a good…friend? Ex-neighbor, Dad’s best friend turned professor? There’s no real etiquette to cling to in this situation, for either of you, and although you’re positive Joel doesn’t have any ulterior motives with you despite his flirting, you know he could lose his job if someone finds out you went to his house. Even if you just watch slashers together the way you did ten years ago. It makes you anxious to know he’d risk something clearly important to him for just that – he moved to a different state, quit his old job, started over completely, and is now willing to endanger that new life just because you’re stressed. At the same time it seems ridiculous anyone could forbid the two of you to spend time together after having known each other your entire life. The thought is absurd, and still, you need to be careful.

You get out of the car before you start to hyperventilate, and ring Joel’s doorbell – it feels strange for him to live in a new house. He opens the door with a smile, and absurd relief floods your veins when you realize he’s wearing an old Led Zeppelin shirt and a pair of worn jeans. This is your Joel.

"I come bearing gifts," you announce, stepping into the house.

“Christ, where did you get this?”, Joel asks, taking the six pack of beer from you, so you can take off your jacket. “I didn’t know they sold Shiner Bock outside of Texas, I’ve been survivin’ on Bud”.

“Brought it with me,” you explain, “figured it’d help if I got homesick, you know, in multiple ways.”

You grin, and Joel shakes his head good-naturedly.

“Old enough to drink, well I’ll be damned. I remember when you begged your Dad to let you have a coke and he asked me if I thought the caffeine would stunt your growth.”

“Did it?”

“It might’ve,” Joel says with a chuckle, “but he didn’t let you have it.”

“Well, he isn’t here now, so let’s put those in the fridge.”

“No," Joel mutters, “no, he ain’t.”

While Joel puts the beer away, you take a look around his living room – despite your reservations about the new house, it reminds you of his old place. It’s got the same masculine and warm feel to it, dark wood, books all over the place, no bells and whistles. Joel is a practical man, and it’s charmingly etched into every part of his life – except for his new work-look. The room isn’t as cluttered as you remember Joel’s old house back in Texas, but you assume he hasn’t had time to accumulate clutter yet. No old newspapers are lying around, no birthday cards stacking up. You wonder if he’s lonely here, teaching all by himself, hundreds of miles away from the place he last grew roots in.

“Do you miss home?” you ask him, when he comes back from the kitchen with two bottles of beer in his hands. He looks at ease, much more himself than back at university. His jeans are faded, his shirt a little too big on his already broad frame, and his hair is clean and curly the way you like it – no gel twisting it into all sorts of un-Joel-like styles. Warmth floods your chest at the sight of him taking a swig of his beer. His crowfeet are a little more pronounced, and his hair has more grey strands than it did back home, but he’s still got that distinctly warm, no-nonsense feel to him.

“Sometimes,” he answers, offering you the second bottle. Your hand brushes his when you take it from him. “But I’m pretty busy here, you know, got a whole lotta lectures to plan, papers to grade and that sort of stuff.”

You nod, and sip at your beer.

“Have you…you know, met people? Made friends here?”

Joel plops down on the couch, and smiles up at you.

“You worried about my social life?”

You shrug, and smile almost timidly.

“You know me, kid, I like bein’ by myself.”

That’s true, for as long as you’ve known Joel, he’s been alone. You know he has nieces and nephews who adore him, and your Dad mentioned a woman once, but it must have been at least twenty years since they were together. You wonder why Joel doesn’t seem to want that sort of a domestic life, surely many women would be happy to let him put a ring on them.

You walk over to the window, and watch a blackbird tug at a writhing worm.

“Have you met someone at uni you wanna be by yourself with?” you ask with a small grin, turning back to find Joel already watching you. “I heard Professor Carter’s still single.”

“She’s very intelligent,” Joel says earnestly. You give him credit for not laughing about his colleague, and suddenly you feel bad for calling her frumpy with Alva. “But I think I’ll leave her to her simulations. Why am I bein’ interrogated?”

“Sorry,” you mumble, and glance out of the window again, “just making conversation.”

“Your turn, then,” Joel answers, and takes another swig of beer. “Any frat boys catch your eye? Or frat girls?”

You glance at him, a smile on your lips, and raise your eyebrows.

“Hey, I don’t discriminate. I thought, maybe Alva…”

“No,” you answer, feeling fond of him for considering the possibility. “Alva’s a friend. The guys are…well, they’re frat boys.”

 Your voice carries enough disgust for Joel to laugh.

“Right,” he says, and his eyes are warm when they meet yours again. “Just us two loners, then."

“Cheers,” you say with a smile.

“Cheers.”

***

Joel’s cooking is a mystery to you – he loves to eat, and when he does cook, it’s always delicious, but he only ever makes one of five dishes. Again, that practicality shining through. Why try something new if you’ve perfected your routine? He made pasta for you, wasn’t sure if you’re still vegetarian and makin’ your Dad’s hair fall out, and you smile into the neck of your beer bottle, when you watch him drizzle dressing onto a carefully arranged side-salad. Throughout dinner, you tell him how much you love it at least five times, because you can tell he put effort into the meal. You know it’s not technically a date, but having a dinner he made just for you, in his home – it feels like one.

You steer the conversation away from heavy topics like your parents. Although Joel offered you this evening to make you feel better, you want to spend it with him rather than in your head, so you ask him about books and music, about his lectures, about Tommy and the kids. You like watching how his face lights up whenever he talks about something he particularly loves. Joel is a quiet man, but you found out years ago it isn’t shyness, but a disinterest in most mundane topics – he doesn’t like gossip or superficial small talk. When he tells you Tommy made him godfather of all of his children, the pride is evident in his voice, and you don’t have to fake your enthusiasm, although it amuses you, too – Tommy loving his big brother enough not to consider anyone else.

"She calls me uncle Joe," he tells you with a chuckle, "Can’t pronounce her Ls yet, but I’ve considered legally changing my name."

When you’re done eating, you help him clear the table, but when you reach for the sponge to do the dishes, Joel shakes his head.

"Let me do that later, kid. You wanna watch a movie?"

So the two of you plop down on the couch with a bag of M&Ms and another round of beer, and Joel hands you the remote.

"Go wild," he says, chuckling when you excitedly turn on he TV to open Netflix.

"Wow, a streaming service? I thought you’d just hoard DVDs for the rest of your life."

Joel huffs, and instead of answering, he leans forward, and reaches for something under his couch table. When he turns his head, he’s got glasses on his face, thick-rimmed and black, and so startlingly sexy, you almost drop the remote.

"You…you’ve got glasses?"

"Yeah," he answers, his eyes meeting yours, and you swallow. "When your eyesight deteriorates, that’s when you know you’re gettin’ old."

You hum but don’t answer, just hold his gaze for a second and look back to the screen. You try to ignore the familiar pang in your stomach at the sight of Joel in his new glasses, and skip through movie after movie, mumbling seen it, seen it, that one sucks, seen it, until Joel reaches over and snatches the remote from you.

"Hey–"

"I can’t read anything if you skip through them that quickly."

"You’re not supposed to read, you’re supposed to go with the vibe of the cover."

He glances at you with furrowed brows.

"Okay, sorry, didn’t know you’re a filmbro," you grumble, but it’s almost entirely fake – you couldn’t be annoyed with him, not when he pushes his glasses up his nose, and carefully considers which button to press on the remote.

"I don’t know what that means," he answers, and starts reading the description of a romantic comedy about Christmas.

"I’m not watching that."

"You don’t even know what it’s about."

"It’s September, Joel."

He huffs again, but finally reaches the horror movies. Surprisingly, it doesn’t take the two of you long to pick one, and the thought of two hours of brainless, scary entertainment on a couch with Joel makes you practically melt into his couch.

You can feel Joel’s eyes on you during the opening credits, so you glance over and he smiles.

"Comfy?" he asks, his voice hoarse from relaxation.

"Yeah," you answer, and smile when hands you a blanket. He’s not exactly close to you, but it still feels a little intimate when you spread the blanket out and offer him the other end. He moves over a little, so that the blanket covers his legs, and when you concentrate you can feel his body heat next to you, so you try hard not to – and instead get lost in the movie.

It’s not particularly good, but the story does get under your skin a little, and when there’s an unexpected shriek, you violently jump and instinctively move closer to Joel. He chuckles, but doesn’t give any reaction to your arm suddenly pressing against his. He doesn’t move away, either, so you don’t, fear suddenly not being the only thing bubbling up in your stomach.

"Jesus," you mumble, the creeping music making you anticipate another jumpscare. You’re right, it does come, but prepared though you are, you still wince, and turn away from the screen slightly. Out of sight, out of mind. Joel turns around, too, and when he sees your widened eyes, he grins.

"How’s that Christmas movie lookin’ now?"

"I’m not scared," you say, and there is some truth to it, "I’m just not good with jumpscares."

When the next one comes, you can’t help it, you clutch his arm next to you, your nails digging into his firm muscle, and Joel glances at you again.

"Sorry," you say quickly, letting go of his forearm now marked with five tiny crescent shapes. "Jesus, Joel, sorry."

"It’s fine," he says, and the amusement is evident in his voice, "you sure you’re into this? There might be some cartoons–"

He stops talking when you glare at him, but his mouth is twitching under his beard. You’re determined to watch the entire movie, and you try not to let any reaction show, wanting to prove Joel wrong.

There is one particularly scary scene – it’s not necessarily violent, but the music and shaky camera movements make your pulse race, and you turn your head slightly, so as to look at something else. Joel glances at you again, but he doesn’t laugh this time, just puts a heavy hand on your shoulder. It’s grounding, the warmth of it, how his thumb digs into your muscle and his fingers spread out over your back and neck.

"You don’t gotta force yourself to watch this, kid," Joel says gently, all teasing humor gone.

"No," you say stubbornly, but move even closer to him. His touch is a welcome distraction from the movie, and although you know it’s stupid and reckless, you lean into him, and Joel puts his arm around you. It’s closer than you’ve been to him except for hugging, and your heartbeat starts to quicken for all the wrong, non-horror reasons. When you flinch, Joel tugs you against his side, and it feels natural to hide your face in his shoulder.

He was never touchy with you, or anyone for that matter, so something must have changed. You wonder if he’s trying to comfort you, or if you might not be the only one who can feel that strange pull between the two of you.

When the movie ends, Joel regrettably removes his arm from around your shoulders to switch off the TV, and although you’re slightly disappointed, you scold yourself for expecting something else.

"Not bad," Joel says with a small smile, and pushes his glasses up his nose. "Very brave."

You scoff, but feel the corners of your mouth twitching, too.

"I used to be less of a wimp, but I guess you soften with age."

"You’re twenty-three," Joel argues, "that’s young."

Yeah, too young. Too young to lean over and kiss him, or climb into his lap, or expect anything other than paternal care when he’s got his arm around you. You look at your lap, all of a sudden feeling stupid and silly for having dreamed up an absurd fantasy about the man in front of you.

"Hey," Joel says gently, "what’s wrong?"

"Nothing," you say quickly, "nothing, I had a really great evening. Thanks, Joel."

You can tell you’ve confused him, but he nods, doesn’t question your sudden change of mood, and stands when you get up from the couch.

"Anytime, kid. You call me if you’re havin’ a bad time, alright? My door’s always open."

He’s so kind, so recklessly, stupidly, lovingly kind, and all of it is directed at you. You curse yourself for it, but again you feel that familiar burn in your eyes. Joel reaches out and easily pulls you towards his big body, hugging you the way he did in his office just this afternoon. He doesn’t ask you what brought on your tears, just lets you cry into his Led Zeppelin shirt that smells so much like home, like a childhood you won’t get back to. You remember whiffs of that smell when you were watching movies on his couch while he was at work, too pissed off at your parents to spend the summer at home. This scent was there when you attended a neighborhood barbecue after fighting with your father and Joel grilled some vegan sausages for you without comment or question. He’s always looked out for you like this, quietly, without demanding an explanation, just a solid, comforting presence in your life.

Your tears stop after a couple of minutes, and you take a step away from Joel, wiping your face. He looks so worried again, brows all furrowed and arms hanging limply at his side. Didn’t he flirt with you, though? Didn’t he prepare dinner for you the way a date would, ask you about your dating life, ask you to coffee? You don’t think you would be able to handle another evening like this one not knowing what Joel really thinks, so in a moment of hazy recklessness, you lean up.

His eyes meet yours, all warm and strangely unguarded, but before your lips brush his, a hand on your shoulder stops you. Without saying something, you move away from him, and nod to yourself, his reaction all the information you needed.

"Sorry," you say very quietly, not managing much else now that you’ve humiliated yourself in front of the only person you really know in a six hundred mile radius. Joel runs a hand through his soft hair, and inhales deeply.

"No," he says, his voice a little strained, "no, don’t be. I just…Jesus, kid."

He rubs his palm over his beard in such a familiar way, your chest aches a little. It’s ridiculous how much you want to touch his face, to feel him again, skin on skin. So you don’t turn and run the way your embarrassed heart is telling you to, just watch him collect his thoughts, standing in front of him like a wet and beaten dog.

"Look," he begins, "I won’t say I’m not flattered, but that’s…it’s a bad fuckin’ idea. It’s…it’s chaos, and on top of that most people would argue it’s wrong."

You swallow. You know all of this, have turned it over in your head ever since you stared at Joel’s rolled up sleeves for two hours on that first Monday, but hearing him say it makes your stomach churn.

"Yeah," you mutter, and trace Joel’s shadow with the very tip of your foot, "yeah, of course. Sorry I put you in that position, wasn’t right."

Your face still feels puffy, and you know you’re probably all red and pathetic looking, begging Joel for scraps of his attention, but all of a sudden, he lifts his hand up to your face, and cups it in his broad palm. His thumb strokes your cheek, and when you meet his eye, the expression on his face is tender.

"It’s alright," he tells you softly, "I can see you worryin’ at the speed of light in that pretty head of yours."

Something in your chest flutters at his words, at the rough and warm cadence of his voice. He reads you so easily, one turn of your head and he knows you’re lost to your thoughts.

"I shouldn’t have let myself toy with this idea," he continues, and your stomach flips. "I should’ve realized you’d pick up on it. It’s on me, alright? It’s on me not to start anythin’."

You can hear the implication – I’m the adult here. It’s not what you want to hear, but just the mention of Joel toying with this idea, as he put it, is enough to lift your spirits. So you weren’t crazy.

"I’m an adult," you say weakly, never having felt more like a child. Joel nods.

"You are, but I’m still in a position of power here. Be wrong, to abuse that."

His thumb is still moving over your cheek slowly, making it hard to think straight.

"So dinner and a movie doesn’t abuse it?"

You don’t want to argue, you don’t know why you keep disagreeing with him, and the way his face falls, you wish you hadn’t said it.

"No, it…it does, you’re right. Jesus, of course it does. I don’t blame ya for bein’ ang-"

"I’m not angry," you say softly, and tentatively turn your head in Joel’s hand. You press a kiss to his palm, his warm skin pressed right against your mouth. "I’m not your student, Joel. I mean, of course I am, but I know you. It’s different."

Joel’s eyes are glued to your face, and he looks so conflicted you wish he’d just throw you out of his house, if only to solve his dilemma.

"It’s still wrong," Joel mutters, his eyes glued to your lips since they brushed his skin "even if you take away the fact that I’m your fuckin’ professor. Your Dad…"

"My Dad is half a continent away and finds a way to be unhappy with whatever choices I make, so I might as well make the ones I want to."

The very first day, before you even met Joel, you decided to do what makes you happy while in university, and although this certainly wasn’t what you had in mind, you know it’s what you want. The only thing you want, in fact.

Joel sighs, and tucks a strand of hair behind your ear.

"Joel, I’m not trying to…look, if I’m wrong about this, just tell me, but I feel…I just wanna be close to you all of the fucking time," you say quietly, "and it’s okay if you don’t, really. I just…I want you to know it’s not nothing to me."

Saying I don’t just want to hook up with you would feel too straight forward or crass, but you think Joel gets the gist of what you’re trying to say, and he closes his eyes briefly. You study his face behind his glasses, the wrinkles and freckles from years in the sun. You do feel anxious about his answer, but whatever it is, you’re glad you told him. It’s out in the world now, the way you feel when he holds you, and he can do with it what he pleases – you’ve handed him the reigns.

"I…I know what you mean. Me too," he says very quietly after a beat, his eyes open and looking directly into yours again.

A triumphant pang of affection pulses through you, and you put your hand over Joel’s, which is still resting on your cheek. He looks conflicted, but his other hand holds your waist now, and tugs your smaller body closer to his again. He’s solid as a brick wall in front of you, and you figure you’re allowed to touch, so you rest your hand on his shoulder.

"What am I gonna do with you?" Joel mutters, and strokes your lower lip with his thumb. If you had more guts, you’d let it slip into your mouth, but you’re still afraid he’ll pull back if you make a wrong move, so you just let him caress your mouth tenderly.

"Whatever you’d like," you answer just as quietly, and you know it sounds sexual, but you mean it in every way – if Joel wants to be nothing but your professor, you’d take it, and if he wants to keep you here in his house indefinitely, you’d let him. Joel keeps looking at you, taking you in as if he’s considering whether the risks outweigh whatever magnetic or gravitational pull the two of you have between you.

"Stay," he say after a while, and although his face looks slightly regretful, his voice is determined, "just…sleep here tonight. I like havin’ you here."

You want him to kiss you, to pull you onto his lap on the couch, to take you upstairs right now, but Joel seems to be restraining himself, so you just nod.

"Me too," you whisper, echoing his words back to him, and for just a second, his thumb digs into your lip a little harder, but then he pulls away.

"Testin’ my goddamn restraint," he mutters, and takes a step away from you. "I’ll get you something to sleep in."

***

Joel gets you one of his band tees you love so dearly, and just the idea of being enveloped by something that smells like him all night makes it a little easier when Joel tells you he’ll take the couch instead of inviting you to sleep with him in his bed.

"No," you say softly, "it’s fine, you just sleep in your bed, Joel. I’ll take the couch."

He looks critical, so you offer him a soft smile.

"I don’t know if your back could take it," you tease, and he seems torn up between laughing and frowning. In the end, he just shakes his head, mutters something that sounds a lot like bad fuckin’ idea, and gets you a blanket and pillow.

He brings you a clean toothbrush and towel, let’s you use his bathroom (you look at the shower the entire time you’re brushing your teeth, trying hard not to think about what Joel looks like using it in the mornings), and when you’re done changing, you unlock the door again.

He’s there, sitting on the edge of his bed, his eyes trailing over your form in his much too big shirt. It’s long as a dress on you, coming down to your naked thighs. Joel visibly swallows and gets up from the bed.

"You got everythin’ you need?"

"Yes. Thank you, Joel."

There’s a beat of silence and you almost think Joel’s about to cross the room, but he just runs his palm over his beard the way he always does, and nods.

"Alright. Just shout if there’s…well, you know. I’ll be here."

"I will."

"Alright. Okay…goodnight, kid."

"Night," you almost whisper, voice soft, and right before you reach the door, Joel clears his throat.

"I…you were right about dinner and the movie. I wasn’t just tryin’ to be friendly," he says quietly, and your stomach swirls. Before you can walk over to Joel and do something about it, he sighs.

"Sleep tight, sweetheart."

Sweetheart.

***

You wake to the sound of something dripping, and when your eyes flutter open, you can see Joel’s back from the kitchen. He’s wearing his work outfit again, a white button down and dark pants, sleeves rolled up. It smells like coffee, and with a smile you realize he must be brewing his beloved coffee – no machine, just a filter. He looks broad, even from your spot on the couch, and you enjoy peeking in on him. You study his movements, the way he reaches for a cup, how his fingers absentmindedly drum on the kitchen counter while he waits.

When he turns around, his eyes find yours, and he smiles.

"Mornin’. Did I wake ya?"

"’S fine," you yawn, pulling the blanket up to your chin, not yet ready to get up. "I have classes at ten anyway."

"’S eight," Joel tells you, "Coffee?"

"Yes please," you answer, and stretch your limbs under the blanket.

Joel brings you a cup, complete with a little bit of milk and sugar, and you move your feet so he can sit down on the couch.

"Sleep well?"

You sip your coffee, let it burn your tongue and close your eyes at the taste. When you open them, Joel’s gaze lingers on your face.

"Yeah," you answer, "thank you for…you know."

He nods, takes a sip of his coffee, and looks at his lap. He looks like he wants to say something, but he’s very quiet, and you feel anxiety bubbling up in your stomach.

"Joel, do you want me to leave? It’s fine if you do," you ask him softly, not wanting to make things awkward for him. It would be rational of him to ask you to leave, the smart and ethical thing to do.

"No," he answers quietly, still not looking at you, "I want you to stay."

Stay? On a Tuesday morning, after you almost kissed him and he told you he couldn’t do that, after you spent the night on his couch? When you have classes in two hours, haven’t showered yet, are half naked and wearing his clothes, on his couch under his blanket? When you’ve got friends wondering where you are and probably ten unanswered messages from Alva?

"Alright," you say, agreeing as easy as breathing.

Finally, he looks up, and his expression is so conflicted you reach out for him. Your hand finds his and you squeeze it. He keeps looking at you, his hand limp in your grasp, as if any movement of his muscles would incriminate him.

"You shouldn’t," he tells you earnestly. "Stay, I mean. You shouldn’t stay."

"I know."

You don’t let go of his hand. He doesn’t move his away.

"It’s a really, really bad idea," he adds, and you’re not sure who he is trying to talk out of whatever this is. "It’s risky. Could blow up both our lives."

"Yeah," you say, and watch him sip his coffee, "okay."

Then, a tentative flex of his fingers against yours, and finally, he’s squeezing your hand just as tightly, and before you can process what that means, Joel is leaning over you, dangerously close. Your breathing quickens, you register how soft his hair looks, how strong his hand is. He leans in further and you sit up a little, still cocooned in his blanket. His face is close to yours, his eyes fiery with something you can’t pinpoint, and you sigh, when he closes the gap between you.

He tastes of coffee and toothpaste, and you wish you’d gotten the chance to shower, but the thought disappears almost immediately when you hear Joel groan. His kisses you languidly, deeply, and your fingers come up to his beautiful arm, barely wrapping around half of his biceps. He cradles the side of your face, pulls you closer, makes your stomach clench with need. It feels inevitable, the way he touches you, like you only exist in a physical form to be touched by him.

His free hand peels the blanket off your body, lets it slide to the floor without ever stopping his the kiss, and you moan softly, when his hand touches your waist. The sound makes him break away, stare down at you, pupils blown wide.

"Fuck, you look good in my clothes," he mutters, nudging your jaw with his nose, and pressing a kiss there. "You should really, really go home."

Your head falls back slightly to give him better access to your neck, and he brushes his lips over your pulse point. Your heart skips a beat.

"I – I know," you breathe, fingers digging into his arm. His beard scratches your skin deliciously, and it takes everything in you not to whimper or beg. Joel’s hand slips under your shirt – his shirt – and instead of finding your waist again, he digs his thumb into your hip, stroking the fabric of your cotton panties. The fire in your stomach burns brighter, and you almost buck up into him. Joel Miller, the Joel Miller who until recently had a key to your childhood home, who lent it to you whenever you forgot yours inside – he’s sucking bruises into your skin, and toying with your panties. It’s dizzying, his familiar voice when he hums in satisfaction, even rougher than usually.

His fingers trace the waistband of your panties towards the front, until they find a small, silky bow, and Joel groans. He doesn’t take your underwear off, doesn’t even touch you where you need him the most, just keeps playing with the little bow, until your hips twitch without your permission. A little lower, and he would be able to feel how wet you are, how wet you have been all night. You didn’t do anything about it, not while you were a guest in his house. It would have felt wrong. You can’t imagine anything feeling more right than Joel’s mouth and hands on you, though.

"Jesus," Joel curses, "I should stop bef–"

"No," you whine, all dignity turned to hot air by Joel’s fingers, "please, Joel, please don’t stop."

He curses again, and moves his big body so that he’s not just hovering above you, but actually on top of you, your thighs falling open for him easily. At the movement, his shirt hikes up your thighs, and you know you’re basically on display for him, your soaked underwear leaving little to the imagination. He’s still fully clothed, his perfect button down all wrinkled now.

"Look at you," Joel breathes, lightheaded with desire, "this all for me?"

So he saw, when you moved to accommodate his broad form, saw how soaked you are, knows you ruined your panties just because he kissed you.

"Yes," you breathe, "yes, please–"

Before you can beg further, his finger presses down on your clit, and he watches your face contort in pleasure, as it shoots up your spine. You whimper, staring into his eyes, and he stares right back, as you start to grind your hips against his palm.

Your head feels blissfully empty, all worries about this relationship, uni, your parents, gone from you with a simple, practiced movement of his hand. The whimpers keep falling from your lips, and Joel curses.

"So beautiful," he mutters, "tell me what you need, angel."

It’s not a question, it’s an order.

"I – fuck, I need you i–inside," you groan, and Joel’s lips find yours again.

"Yeah? Need me to fuck you good, even though they’ll throw us both out?"

It shouldn’t turn you on. You’re jeopardizing both your own and Joel’s career, and he’s turning it into dirty talk. Still, your pussy doesn’t lie, and the way it throbs for him, aching to get him inside, makes all doubts disappear from your mind.

"Yes," you answer, unable to say much more as Joel keeps drawing tight circles into your clit.

Your hands drift from his arms towards his front, and Joel curses, when you paw at his belt buckle. It takes you a second, but then it’s open, the sound of the metal exciting you – it sounds like a promise.

Joel finally tugs your panties down, and for a second you’re self–conscious about not being clean shaven, but the second he sees you bare and glistening for him, his fingers dip into your folds, gathering your wetness with no hesitation.

"Fuck me," he groans, bringing his hand up to his face and tasting you, holding eye–contact the entire time, "prettiest pussy I’ve seen in my life."

You twitch under him, dragging your gaze away from his eyes and to his fingers. A moan escapes you, your hands have gone slack on his waistband, and Joel smiles down at you. Then, he does the same motion again, drags the tips of his thick fingers through your sticky arousal, but instead of sucking them clean himself, he holds them up to your mouth. His eyes burn, when you wrap your lips around them without a moments hesitation, and he feeds you your own slick.

"Taste so sweet, huh?"

You don’t answer, just swirl your tongue around his fingers, and suck on them. Joel watches your mouth intently, lets you take your time.

"Good girl," he praises you, and you clench around nothing, "so fuckin’ needy for me."

He drags his fingers from your mouth, and finally pushes into you, the stretch much tighter than with two of your own. Your head falls backwards, and Joel curls his fingers.

"No, baby, look down here," he orders, and immediately you lift your head again, and watch him pump two thick digits in and out of you. It’s dizzying to think it’s the same hand that waved to you from over his fence for years and years. You feel a coil building in your stomach, and you moan.

"Fuck, Joel," you moan, his name leaving a delicious aftertaste in your mouth. His beautiful forearm flexes with every movement, your slick is dripping down his fingers, and those damn sleeves are still perfectly rolled up.

With a few more curls of his fingers, you gush around him, barely having time to warn him, and he praises you, calls you his good girl, drags his fingers against that spongey spot inside of you until you see stars.

When he slips his fingers out of you and holds them up to your face again, you clean them up with your mouth as Joel watches with bright eyes. To think that he’s the same man who taught you Dirac not twenty-four hours ago – already, you want him inside again. When you’re done, he fumbles with his own clothes, and you watch him this time instead of helping.

"You look so good like this," you mumble, eyes raking over his broad form, "Professor."

His eyes snap up to yours, and you grin.

"Fuckin’ Christ, kid," he mutters, popping open the buttons on his shirt, "you can’t say shit like that."

"You don’t like it? You know, I watched you during your lectures and dreamed about…well, about this."

His expression is unreadable, but if you’re not mistaken, his hands move even faster now, and then he shrugs out of his shirt. You almost moan at the sight of his naked torso, so broad and solid.

"You need to pay attention in class," Joel answers, as he opens his pants. Your breathing grows a little shallow when he reveals his boxers underneath, his bulge huge.

"Can’t," you mumble, "not with you looking like this."

He chuckles at that, at the honesty and need in your answer.

"Don’t worry," he says softly, "I’ll fuck it outta you. Won’t be needing’ me in class, not if I’m still leakin’ out of you."

Your lips part, your pussy clenches – a smile tugs on the corners of Joel’s mouth at your reaction. He drags down his boxer shorts, and your eyes snap towards his cock, so thick and dripping in precum. You whimper, you can’t help it, and Joel’s smile widens.

"We’ll make it fit, baby," he says, reading your mind, and then bends down and kisses you again. You try to tug your shirt upwards, but Joel’s hands find your wrists and he holds them tight.

"No, want to fuck you in it," he breathes against your lips, and you press your hips upwards until he groans. He pumps his fist over his cock a couple of times, and aligns it with your entrance.

"Deep breath, baby," he mutters, and you obey, staring up at him as he starts pressing into you. It’s tight, much tighter than his two fingers, and your eyes glass over with pain, but Joel goes slow. His hand strokes your tummy, helps you relax, while he pushes on consistently. You feel like he’s punching the air from your lungs, eyes wide with the stretch of him, as he nips at your jaw and neck to distract you.

"Know it’s a lot, but you can take it, angel."

"Y-yes," you moan, and screw your eyes shut, "please don’t stop, Joel."

 Joel’s breathing is ragged with restraint, and suddenly his hips snap forwards – and he’s fully buried inside of your tight body, nestled right against your cervix.

"Back to Joel, are we?" he teases, and gives you a couple of seconds to get used to him. You whimper and claw at his arm.

"I – ah – I’ll call you Professor Miller ’f you want," you slur, as he starts dragging his cock out of you again. You tremble under him, the feeling almost more intense than when he pushed inside of you.

"Yeah? That get you off? Or – fuck–  is it the fact that I’m friends with your parents?"

It really, really should be a turn off, to be talking about your parents right now, but the way Joel says it, the way he points out just how debauched it is what you’re doing – you can’t help but moan. You blush, too, can feel the heat in your face, but you’re tired of being ashamed of wanting him the way you do.

"Both," you answer, and this time Joel groans, his hips snapping into you at a rougher pace. The head of his cock hits your spot every time, and you let out little sounds of pleasure with every drag of his cock, unable to form a coherent sentence. Joel’s hand finds your clit again, rubbing circles as his other one pressing down on your stomach.

"Feel that?" he asks you, and you do, you feel him all up in your guts, "you take it so well baby, take all ’f me."

"Yes," you answer, eyes glassy with pleasure, "want all of you, Joel."

He bites your shoulder, keeps rutting into you, and soon you feel another orgasm building.

"Close – ah – so close," you whimper, and Joel speeds up his thrusts just slightly. You clench around him, right on the edge.

"Come for me, angel, give it to me."

You do, your hips bucking, back arching.

"Ah – fuck, Joel, Prof–"

"Say it," Joel orders, fucking you through the waves of pleasure.

"Professor."

He comes, too, twitching deep inside of you and spilling rope after rope of come. It feels right, like you’re his. His groan is rough, his thrusts sloppy, and you feel your pussy spasm around him in a third, weaker orgasm, or maybe it’s just aftershocks from your second. You’re limp underneath him, letting him use your body how he needs to.

"Fuck," he curses, "did so good for me."

He slips out of you, and you can feel his spend drip out of you. You’re weak, soft like jelly, sweaty and entirely satisfied.

"Jesus," you breathe, when he falls down next to you, his couch mercifully being big enough.

"Yeah," he answers, "Jesus."

***

Turns out, Joel Miller is a dirty talking bastard during sex, and a big softie afterwards. He makes you tea, strokes your hair while you sip it, then carries you up to his shower and gently washes your body his his sponge. Throughout, he’s quiet, and you wonder if it was too much, the mention of him being your professor, of your parents, but you’re too afraid to ask. He brushes your forehead with his lips when he dries you off, and pulls another of his shirts over you head. Your panties are entirely ruined, it’s all you’re wearing.

When you’re clean again, and relaxed, Joel pulls you onto his bed, wrapping you up in his arms.

"Did you…was that too much?" he asks you softly fingertips tracing over your thigh lazily.

"It was just right," you answer quietly, and he hums.

"You didn’t feel like you…I mean when you called me Professor, you wanted to do that, right?"

You look up at him, and press a soft kiss against his jaw.

"Of course, Joel. Wanted everything we did, I promise."

He nods, but you can tell there’s still something bothering him.

"You know that’s not what you are to me, though, right?" Your voice is soft. "You’re just Joel."

He brushes the top of your head with his lips.

"I mean it," you press on when he doesn’t answer, "it’s like a costume, Joel. I know it’s your job, but it’s…I don’t think of you as like, an authority figure or something. I just thought you looked hot in that slutty shirt."

"Slutty–?" he sputters and you laugh.

"Sure, you know, with your sleeves rolled up, and that first button popped open."

"’S not slutty."

"You showed your forearms. Half the lecture hall felt like a victorian man seeing ankles for the first time."

Joel makes an exasperated sound, half amused and half offended.

"I mean it," you say again after beat, humor gone from your tone, "and it’s not just sex to me. You know that."

"Yeah," Joel answers slowly. "’S more to me, too."

It’s a hell of an admission.

"What are we gonna do?", you ask quietly, and Joel sighs.

"You’re gonna go to class," he says, voice dark, "and I’ll try very, very hard not to call your father and tell him I’m fallin’ for his daughter."

You bury your face in his chest. With anyone else, it would be too much, too fast, too intense. But this is Joel. It’s not fast if you’ve known him your whole life, is it? You kiss his chest, and he seems to understand.

"We’ll figure it out," Joel says quietly, pressing a kiss to your hair.

For a second you do want your parents to know, want them to see that someone does treat you like an adult, want to look them in the eye and say I’m with Joel now and there’s nothing you can do about it. I have my own life now and it includes this kind man. It’s childish, you know it is. You lean up, catch Joel’s mouth in a kiss.

"Yeah," you answer, “We’ll figure it out, Professor.”

[catt-nuevenor]

A Brief Guide on Uploading ChoiceScript Demos to Itch.io

Since Dashingdon is shutting down, and there will be a lot of folks wanting to host their ChoiceScript demos elsewhere, I thought it'd be a good idea to provide a brief guide on how to do so for itch.io.

This is for Windows in the folder actions, but it shouldn't be too difficult for folks to translate for Mac. This also assumes you haven't changed any of the files within your game folder other than those found under 'scenes'.

Within your game folder, locate the 'web' subfolder, right click it and select 'Send to' then 'Compressed (zipped) folder. Name your newly compressed file something sensible, and I recommend moving it to a new folder outside of your game files, just to keep everything neat and tidy.

2. Assuming you already have an itch.io account, navigate to your dashboard, and click the 'Create New Project' button.

3. Name your project as you like, and under 'Kind of project', select the 'HTML' option.

4. Set the 'Pricing' to 'No Payments', you cannot use ChoiceScript for profit unless it is with the Choice of Games or Hosted Games publishing labels. No one wants to get in trouble unnecessarily here.

5. In the Uploads section, upload your newly zipped file we made in step one. After it's finished uploading, you'll be given one drop down and two tick boxes. You need to tick the 'This file will be played in the browser' option.

6. I've found so far that 'Viewport dimensions' work quite well for desktop at 1080 x 640. Either use these numbers or experiment and find what works best for you.

7. You must tick the 'Enable scrollbars' option for your game to display properly, otherwise options, text and buttons can be clipped off the bottom of the viewport.

8. Continue filling out the rest of the form, or skip it for now and scroll all the way to the bottom to the 'Visibility & access' section. Here make sure you have 'Draft' selected. This prevents others from finding your game until you're ready, and I always recommend play testing things before you make your work public.

9. Finally, hit the 'Save' button, then go and have a look at your creation by hitting the 'View page' link. And there you go! When you're ready for public release, just change the option in section 8 to 'Public'.

---

A few things to bear in mind about hosting on itch.io:

There isn't currently any way for your readers to save their game. I'm sure someone could write in a plugin similar to Dashingdon's at some point, but as for right now, this isn't available. See addition/edit below.

Make sure you properly tag your game with the 'choicescript' and 'interactive-fiction' tags. There are an awful lot of games on itch.io and it's easy to get lost in the crowd. Make sure folks can find you by having the right tags.

I hope this brief guide was useful to folks.

Best of luck to you with your writing!

---

Addition/Edit:

Thanks to @hpowellsmith for bringing this to my attention. You can add save functionality to your game by using this addon:

The ChoiceScript Save Plugin

Just tried it out on my own game and it works perfectly.

Rather than run through the addon author's own tutorial here, I'll just forward you to the Readme on their Github page.

One small note I would add is when it asks you to make the two small additions to your index file, make sure you right click the file and open it with your coding program, don't double-click it as this will just open it in an internet browser, and it won't give you the access to what you need to change.

[alexstalkers]

Healing Hearts

includes: alex karev in the beginning of his peds residency, a seattle grace mercy west merger which involves a new mercy west transfer....

black fem surgical resident! reader x alex karev

song inspiration: ivy- taylor swift

---------------------

Y/N walked into Seattle Grace, the bustling environment a sharp contrast to her previous residency. As a new resident transfer, she knew she had to prove herself. Her heart pounded with a mix of excitement and nervousness as she reported for her first day on Arizona Robbins' pediatric service.

"You're the new resident, Y/N?" Arizona greeted her with a warm smile. "Welcome to Peds. You'll be working closely with Dr. Karev today. He knows my service and he'll help you if you have any questions."

Y/N had heard of Alex Karev's reputation. He was known for his exceptional skills with children but also for his abrasive personality. She was determined not to let his reputed arrogance faze her.

When she met Alex in the pediatric ward, she was struck by his intense eyes and the air of confidence he exuded. "You're the new transfer?" he asked, not looking up from the chart he was reviewing.

"Yes, I'm Y/N," she replied, trying to keep her tone professional.

"Okay, let's get one thing straight. I don't have time to babysit," Alex said, finally looking at her. "Just stay out of my way, and we'll be fine."

Y/N bit back a retort. "I'm here to learn and help. Let's just focus on the patients."

Their first case together was a young boy named Liam, suffering from cardiomyopathy. The child's condition was delicate, and his treatment required careful coordination. Despite their initial friction, both Y/N and Alex were deeply invested in Liam's well-being.

"His latest tests show worsening heart function," Y/N said, frowning at the results. "We need to act fast."

Alex nodded. "We need to discuss his case with Dr. Robbins. If we don't come up with a new plan, he won't make it."

They presented their findings to Arizona, who decided on a risky but potentially life-saving surgery. Throughout the procedure, Y/N and Alex worked in perfect sync, their combined skills bringing the best possible care to Liam. In the days following the surgery, Y/N and Alex found themselves spending more time together. They worked late into the night, monitoring Liam's progress and making sure he was stable.

----------------------

One evening, after a particularly exhausting shift, they found themselves alone in the residents' lounge. Alex, surprisingly, broke the silence.

"So, you're a Mercy West transfer?" he asked, his tone less harsh than usual.

"Yeah," Y/N replied, sipping her coffee. "Since the merger. What about you? You've been here a while, right?"

"Yeah, since my intern year." Alex said. "It's a great program. "

Y/N nodded. "I can see that. But I like it so far. The team is great, and the cases are challenging."

Alex looked at her, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "You handled Liam's case well. Most new residents would have freaked out."

Y/N felt a warm flush of pride. "Thanks. You weren't so bad yourself."

--------------------

As the weeks passed, they continued to work together, their initial animosity giving way to mutual respect. They shared stories about their backgrounds, their dreams, and their fears. Y/N found herself looking forward to their shifts together, her heart skipping a beat whenever Alex smiled at her. One day, as they were preparing for another surgery, Y/N noticed Alex seemed distracted. "Everything okay?" she asked gently.

Alex hesitated before answering. "Just...family stuff. My brother's in town, and it's complicated."

Y/N placed a reassuring hand on his arm. "If you need to talk, I'm here."

Alex looked at her, surprise and gratitude in his eyes. "Thanks, Y/N. I might take you up on that."

Their bond continued to grow, each moment together strengthening their connection. They laughed more, confided in each other, and began to realize that the line between professional and personal was blurring.

One night, after another successful surgery, they found themselves standing on the hospital roof, the city lights sparkling below them.

"You know," Alex said, his voice soft, "I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you're here."

Y/N smiled, her heart swelling with emotion. "Me too, Alex. Me too."

As they stood there, side by side, they knew that whatever challenges lay ahead, they would face them together. In the midst of the chaos and the heartbreak of Seattle Grace Mercy West, they had found something unexpected: each other.

--------------------

During the weeks following their initial meeting, Y/N and Alex found themselves thrown together in a variety of challenging cases. Each case revealed more about their personalities and work ethics, slowly breaking down the walls they had built around themselves.

In one particularly intense case, they treated a toddler with a rare genetic disorder. The child's condition was rapidly deteriorating, and both Y/N and Alex had to rely on each other to come up with a treatment plan.

"His genetic markers indicate a possible enzyme deficiency," Y/N pointed out during one of their late-night strategy sessions. She was surrounded by stacks of medical journals and lab reports.

Alex leaned over the table, scanning the data. "Good catch. Let's run a specific panel to confirm and then we can start the enzyme replacement therapy."

Their combined efforts paid off, and the toddler began to show signs of improvement. The victory was a turning point in their relationship. They began to see each other as partners rather than competitors.

One day, after a long shift, Y/N and Alex found themselves in the on-call room, too exhausted to go home. They lay on opposite bunks, the room dimly lit by a small bedside lamp.

"Why did you choose pediatrics?" Y/N asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

Alex turned his head to look at her. "Kids are resilient. They can go through hell and still bounce back. I guess I wanted to be a part of that."

Y/N nodded, understanding. "I get that. I love their spirit, their will to fight. It’s inspiring."

As the days turned into weeks, they shared more personal stories. Y/N learned about Alex’s difficult childhood and his struggles with his family. In return, Y/N opened up about her own challenges, including the pressures she faced at her previous residency.

Their late-night conversations became a routine, each one drawing them closer. They began to anticipate each other's needs in the operating room, moving with a synchronicity that amazed their colleagues.

One evening, after successfully performing a complex surgery on a newborn, they sat in the hospital cafeteria, finally allowing themselves to relax.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" Y/N asked with a smile.

Alex chuckled. "Yeah, I wasn't exactly welcoming."

"That's an understatement," Y/N replied, laughing. "But you've grown on me, Karev."

"You too, Y/N. You too."

Their eyes locked, and for a moment, the bustling cafeteria faded away. They both knew something significant had shifted between them.

As the relationship evolved, so did their feelings. They began to steal glances at each other in the hallways, their touches lingered a little longer, and their conversations took on a deeper, more intimate tone.

One night, after another grueling shift, they found themselves alone on the hospital roof again, the cool night air providing a welcome respite.

"Sometimes, I wonder how I got so lucky to have you as a partner," Alex said, his voice sincere.

Y/N turned to him, her heart pounding. "I feel the same way, Alex."

He reached out, taking her hand in his. The touch was electrifying, sending a shiver down Y/N’s spine. They stood there, hand in hand, the city lights below them, knowing that they had found something rare and precious in each other.

He stepped closer, cupping her face in his hands. "Then let's see where this goes."

They shared their first kiss under the starlit sky. From that moment on, they faced every challenge together, their love growing stronger with each passing day. In the chaotic world of Seattle Grace Mercy West, they had found their calm, their solace, and their love.

[omorithedreamermod]

JANUARY DEVLOG - 2

The second DEVOLG is here! It's been almost a month since development after the PRELUDE began, and there has been a lot of progress made. Before that...

IMPORTANT INFORMATION:

[Before, it was stated here that saves would not be usable from the DEMO. Doing more testing with this, and now it's pointing to the likelihood of saves being usable after all. Hoping this stays true! Testing, testing...]

Also, this mod is NOT an adaption of my fanfic Endless Dreaming. Although the very base premise, passing out in the good end, and Headspace still existing is the same–the reasons why are different, and absolutely everything else is different too. Those who have read it will have realized this the moment MARI appeared in the DEMO. That is to say, you will not find out any information on the mod by reading the fanfic. It's a brand new story, with new locations, new characters, new interpretations and concepts, new lore–all of that. Just wanted to clarify this since rumors have been continuously spreading despite notes on the mod page. Wouldn't want people to turn away thinking it's a story they've already seen before. Now, onto progress.

PROGRESS:

Majority of the maps are completed, while a couple are active WIPs. Only two more important maps need to be created from scratch! Other additional areas may be added if time allows.

Most general character sprite art has been created. NPCs are also in progress. There's a lot left to do.

Battle assets are still being created. Most of the DREAMER emotions are complete, while both him and STRANGER lack more of the general ones. Enemies also still need to be drawn, but concepts exist. Battlebacks are beginning to be made now that maps are mostly accounted for.

OST for the prelude is near complete. Everyone has been amazing and on top of it!

Writing has fully begun, including the programming of said cutscenes. To avoid spoiling, not more will be said, but a lot of writing/cutscene programming is happening.

Along with battle portraits, DREAMER and STRANGER have a large amount of general portraits now! Many more still need to be made for SUNNY and BASIL in the real world, though. Certain important NPCs also have their own new portraits, so please look forward to those new characters! As shown above, the mirror art is complete. There are still important cutscenes that need to be drawn, and have not been started on. There's also a certain "thing" that needs quite a bit of art, but hopefully that will be simple and quick.

Battle programming regarding attacks and skills are implemented for the main party, but not for enemies. That will likely be done later, as placeholders function well for now.

NOTES:

I believe the March goal is very possible, if I properly balance everything. Work beyond the PRELUDE release will likely start while art continues to be made. I'm still making all the non-sprite art as well as writing everything, and programming the vast majority-and that's where the concern comes in, since including that, I'm also been doing maps, OST, and sprite art, meaning the time spent is split between many tasks.

This also does not factor in the time it'll take to make extra art ahead of time for the trailer. Still, considering the simplicity of the OMORI style, and how each drawing makes me faster/more adept at it, I believe it is possible as long as I stay focused and balance it with my other priorities not involving the mod. I believe consistency with the art is important, which is why I'm doing it all.

The team is reliable even if small, and while I was concerned about NPCs, a new team member recently joined and is really helping out, so I'm extremely thankful and feel less stressed about it. Also, most maps are accounted for, and OST is practically done, so as long as I stay on top of programming/writing, the art will be completed in the remaining time.

CONCLUSION:

There's still a lot to do, but I believe the current pace will lead to success. Even more groundwork has been laid, and now it's being built on top of properly. Certain ideas have been ironed out, and the goal is in sight. Everything will be a lot less stressful once the PRELUDE is complete, as a lot of the art made now will be used throughout! Please continue to root for our continued progress, and look forward to the next DEVLOG!

[xmads-omensx]

Pairing: Android!Noah X Reader

CW: Android au, sentient being, Noah navigates new and big feelings, references to being "owned" in a vague context, angst if you squint

Heavily inspired by @saythatuwill 's android!noah au

Sorry if the formatting is a little weird, I started it as a one shot then changed it to headcannons

Tags: @shayeanna-ashlie @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @supersquirrel1996 @tosoundlessdarkistare @bloody-spades @klutzy-kay24 @heyyoplayer @lacy1986  @dominuslunae @collidewiththesav @kenjipepsi1 @follow-me-down-to-wonderland @chey-h @thisbicc @fadingangelwisp @overmydeadbodysblog @illmakeyousaywow @dsireland86 @missduffsblog  @littlebear423 @blade-dressed-in-red @rumoured-whispers @dontwantthemoney @eclipseeetop @xxkittenkissesxx @theanarchymuse95 @blackveilomens @lilgarbitch @lil-garbitch @concretejunglefm @museonfilm @death-ofpeace-ofmind @xxkatsatwatwafflexx @kissestomyomens @flowery-mess @athenexe @anything-more-than-human @oobleoob @dollieomens @astronoids @pipidoll

At first, Noah thought his system was malfunctioning, but then again, thinking wasn’t exactly something that Noah was supposed to be good at.

As a companion model, Noah’s job was more or less to become a placeholder for the love and affection that his ‘owner’, so to speak, lacked.

You, however, had purchased him for an entirely different purpose.

Her desire to create a band and situate Noah as the frontman was something that he wasn’t programmed to do, but after various upgrades, he was perfect for the role.

He had the voice, the looks, the style, the only thing that he lacked was feeling.

You know when you watch someone perform live and it’s like they are living the song right in front of your eyes, it was never like that for Noah. Granted, he wasn’t a real person, so he wasn’t exactly going to be the most immersive performer, but you could see the rest of the band you put together were really living the music.

Noah just… couldn’t.

It was as if his new, state of the art music software was completely lacking any form of function in that regard.

That’s when it started.

He stood on stage, singing the songs and moving around the stage in the routine that he had carefully crafted for himself.

Walk to the right, then slowly step back, take three steps to the left before the chorus hits then step forward to sing it. 

You were always standing stage left, behind the heavy curtain, watching your band perform. 

As Noah looked at you, completely out of schedule from the rest of his routine. He never looked at you, that’s when it happened.

In the cavity within his chest, there was what felt like a spark, then his whole body felt like it had lit up.

The spark travelled from his chest, so the empty space in his stomach where nothing but wires and machinery lay, then travelled to his toes, until his whole body felt electrified.

It felt so right.

It felt so wrong.

Noah’s instant reaction was to presume that his system was combusting or something of the like, so he went into power-save mode.

His eyes closing, and head dipping down, he just stood on the stage completely motionless which didn’t affect the rest of the androids on the stage who continued to perform as they were programmed to do.

Luckily for you the two stage hands were big, burly men who were able to carry the now idle Noah off stage and back into the green room to await transportation back to the house. 

After that night, Noah was in a state of limbo. 

Never quite sure what to do with himself.

It was as though his programming had been re-written. 

Noah seemed more on edge around you than normal. Since he was a companion bot, his role was to care for his ‘owner’, but this time it seemed… different.

It was as if every time he went to do something in his basic programming, a switch went off that made his eyes light up and his mouth stretch into a warm smile.

Noah felt that little spark whenever Y/N was near and he was completely lost as to what it could be other than a malfunction.

You took him to get his system checked out, but nothing came up in terms of errors within him, so that ruled out Noah's only hypothesis for the situation.

Following a deep dive into some internet sites and various documents that he could access through his hard-drive, he discovered sentience.

And that became his only explanation for what was going on.

This was the hardest thing that Noah had to navigate.

Going from nothing more than a bot, programmed to love, to a sentient being who would willingly love was terrifying.

The prospect of getting it wrong hung over his head constantly.

And he did get it wrong.

All the damn time.

But you never made him feel bad for it.

He's new at this.

He's learning.

You know the scene from Bambi where he is trying to learn how to walk but his legs are all shaky and he keeps falling? That's exactly how Noah seems navigating his new life as a sentient being.

One thing that was hard for him was navigating the switch from not needing his programming anymore.

He doesn't need the programming that alerts him to hug and kiss you, he can just... do it.

He is no longer held back by his wiring, and that freedom is terrifying for Noah.

But he's getting there.

Slowly.

Noah had tried to voice his fears to you, but finding the words had been tough.

After all, you were human so how on earth could you relate to how he feels.

The rest of the band weren't sentient, so they couldn't relate to him either.

He felt so isolated.

So alone.

But that spark in his chest made it all worth it.

He never wanted to go back to the life he had where the sight of your smile didn't made his body light up with electricity.

[pforestsims]

Tutorial: How to adjust joint position (in TS2 object skeleton)

This tut is NOT meant for beginners because I don't explain how to use SimPe or Milkshape. But actual process is very basic: you change joint coordinates and do GMDC model rebuild. The tricky part is to get coordinates right.

If you don't know much about joint assignments, start with this tutorial: "Retaining object animations in your new package" by Bluetexasbonnie @ MTS2, which explains how to add joint assignments to custom stuff cloned from functional objects (to make parts of the mesh move when Sims interact with it).

The pic above: SimPe GMDC skeleton preview. You can click on each joint name to see which part is assigned to it. Gate is here.

This will work for simple object skeletons without IK Bones.

There are no plugins that would allow us to properly import TS2 CRES skeleton data with IK bones - like sims, pets and more - to any 3D program

If object has IK Bones - you'll find out when importing CRES to Milkshape. If it displays a notification "joints with rotation values found...", IK Bones are present and there's a high risk that skeleton: A. will not be imported. B. if it's imported, it will get mangled. C. will be mangled after using model rebuild option.

I've experimented with car skeletons (those have IK Bones), managed to edit car door joints but it required removing wheel bone assignments - because wheel movement becomes wonky after doing model rebuild

/FYI: steps 1 - 5 are optional, you can edit CRES joint coordinates right away if you know the right values - which is usually not the case/.

Export GMDC with your custom mesh

Export CRES (if you wish to preview entire skeleton and/or joint names)

Import GMDC to Milkshape

Import CRES (if you need it. Plugin is called: Sims2 AniMesh CRES Skeleton Import. Click 'yes' to 'replace all bones?'). You should be able to see entire skeleton imported. Note that Milkshape won't let you export a GMDC after you imported CRES skeleton unless you change joint comments (point 7.)

Measure how much you need to move the joint. You can create a box as ruler substitute, then check the distance with extended manual edit plugin. If you're not sure where to place your joint, you can move it and test if object animations look alright (import CRES again to reset joint position).

tip: when working on GMDC in Milkshape you can rename the model parts in model list (door right, door left etc). Only names inside the model comments actually get exported.

6. Go back to SimPe, open CRES resource. Remember TS2 is using flipped coordinates: X = -X, -X = X, Y = Z, Z = Y. Edit joint Translation data, commit, save.

Optional: you can export CRES skeleton again and import to Milkshape to test if joint has moved to the right position.

7. Go to GMDC, Model tab - hit rebuild, commit, save.

if you have the edited object placed on a lot, it's gonna look weird when you load the game. You need to re-buy it from catalogue to see results.

If for some reason you'd like to export entire GMDC with your imported CRES skeleton, Milkshape won't let you do that. You'll get "ERR: No quaternion values stored" error. You need to go to Joints tab and edit each Joint comment to ImpQuatDat: (that's imp, with capital i )

Notes:

if you go to GMDC Joints tab, there's also a rebuild option to update single joint - but I've tried it on car door joints and it didn't work.

If you edit joint coordinates in CRES, for example- move the car door forward, and preview skeleton in GMDC viewer, your model is gonna look fine. But in the game every vertex assigned to that joint will also be moved forward. That's why you need to use model rebuild option. In theory, if you'd like to skip rebuild, you could import GMDC to milkshape and move the door backwards to compensate for joint adjustments? I haven't tried that (yet).

[quizicalgin]

Since I was recently tagged on making CC in milkshape, I figured I'd copy and paste what I know from my other blog, rather than just forwarding the page here for ease of viewing. It’s the FAQ page for creating CC under the read more.

What do you use to make mods?

S3PE is used to export snippets of the code to edit to make tuning mods. If you wanna make some yourself, HERE is the tutorial to learn how.

What do you use to make objects/clothing/hair?

This one has a few answers depending on what you mean specifically.

TSRW mainly for cloning and editing objects. It also lets me export the files in simpack and package formats.

If you want the version of TSRW BEFORE the sims 4 versions, you can get that HERE. This is important to note because some other programs used for CC creation aren’t fully compatible with the newer version of the TSRW’s WSO files.

If it’s an object that needs a fourth channel added, but it isn’t supported, Texture tweaker by Ignes Jones is what gives the object that channel to work with.

For meshing I use milkshape, and I’m currently working on learning how to use blender instead, since it’s freeware and has a lot more that can be done with it. However, it seems like the plugins from TSRW no longer work with blender, but there are plugins to have blender import geoms HERE that are best used with blender version 2.8-2.9.

There are some additional plugins for Milkshape that makes working in it much easier. There is an align normals plugin set by Demon 432 HERE, and the Unimesh plugins by Wes Howe found HERE. Lastly, to make UV editing easier in Milkshape there’s the CatofEvilGenius UV plugin HERE. They also have a UV flipper too.

For editing textures I personally use Photoshop and here’s how to add DDS usage to it with a link already there in it to download the necessary files. If you use Gimp instead, you can get the DDS files for it HERE. Installation should be similar to PS’s, just look for the file formats.

HERE is a link to the faces and scalps for when I need to model hair or jewelry, since doing it right on the head is much easier. Teens and elders aren’t in here because they aren’t that much different from the adult head.

Is that everything you use?

No there’s also:

Delphy’s Dashboard – Used to make sure my package files aren’t corrupt and won’t make sims implode. It’s also good for checking if anything you already have may be corrupted (a lot of it out there sadly is through no fault of the creator. It just happens during creation sometimes)

S3OC – Another program that lets you clone files, save unlike TSRW it can clone interaction objects, like toothbrushes, game controllers, bowls, plates, and other things that only appear for certain situations. The downside is everything mostly appears in strings with few images, but most of the names make sense for the items. Just sort by name and get to scrollin.

Compressorizer – This compresses simpack and package files in order to help keep the game running smooth. Due to some of its functions, remember to back up your CC and games before using the program.

MeshToolKit – This one is indispensable for creating custom content if you’re adjusting meshes just a bit, or using it to give completely new weight assignments (what makes it move and work like a sim body part) and morphs (the thin to thick range, pregnancies included). Thornowl also made an updated version that can be downloaded HERE.

Normal/Bump map plugins – They’re necessary for any CC you make, as most art programs don’t natively have the ability to make them. Now there are a couple different sets you can download and use depending on your art program of choice.

You can get the ones for GIMP HERE, with the link to the downloads on that page.

The ones for Photoshop can be gotten HERE, and this is a mediafire link because I personally had difficulty using NVIDIA’s newer exporter

And I THINK that’s everything, if I think of or get asked anything else I’ll edit this as needed.

[latenightskycotl]

Big news for beta testers and hopefuls!

In a nutshell, beta is being reworked to tighten up control and address cheating and hacking. March 20th, TGC is going to wipe all beta testing accounts and remove everyone, and start anew with a new and different application process. It used to be somewhat of a free-for-all, first-come-first-served on beta openings. They had little control of who got in, and narrowing down the hackers and people who shared content before it even went live was pretty much impossible. To that end, they are going to have us apply for a position in beta, and anyone who passes and agrees must sign an NDA.

While I don’t like spoilers, hackers, or anyone who games the system or ruins it for others, I have shared beta images after the content has released in live. No formal agreement was required before, but going forward it’s more official, and I’m going to honor their request and not share any at all. So many have shared content that was still in the works they stopped showing us content until the last minute. In many recent previous seasons, we didn’t even see the ending of the season in beta, so it couldn’t be leaked by anyone.

Plus, I might not get back into beta after the reset anyway. I haven’t seen the application, so I don’t know the expectations beyond this news release. They may require testers to turn in a certain number of reports or play a certain number of hours weekly. They may ask some testers to focus on one area or particular problem. They may also do regular wipes of beta, pulling in all new testers each time (though I think that is unlikely). We really don’t know. I generally play the way I would in live and just go from there, turning in a report when I see something that hasn’t already been reported (usually by the time I see it, there are already reports filed in Discord) or using the screenshot reporting function to show them something that doesn’t look right. In the future, they may want more than a casual tester.

So, after what I have in the queue now posts - maybe a weeks worth of posts, I have them scheduled to share once a day - I will no longer be posting images from beta.

I’ll still share tidbits, hints, shared spaces from “that cannon guy” and music by “GREEN APPLE” (they almost always include that on the tag so that’s what I named them). Those are all in live. I’ll warn you to save up candles or hearts when an item I think will be popular is upcoming, though I won’t give hints about the item itself. I’ll also continue to share anything else I feel you might find helpful or interesting. I usually play right at reset, so I’m in a good position to post a warning about a bug with dailies. I don’t do in-depth reviews or exhaustive lists on where to find everything. There are enough who do that already.

I’ll figure out a new blog name since skycotl_before_and_after won’t really fit any more. It’s been fun. I hope you enjoyed seeing how the game has gradually changed. And if you decide to try being a tester, good luck!

[ravenstargames]

✦ Lost in Limbo 2023 wrap-up

And finally, after the hectic period of Christmas and the New Year, we are here and ready for our wrap-up!

Warning: this devlog may include some typos. As per usual!

Honestly, I can't believe we are here. This year has been wild for so many reasons. We have made so much progress, perhaps not as much as we would have wanted, but we have come really far. I'm very proud of my team and thankful for the people we have met this year that have made this journey easier.

So...let's see what we have done this year and our plans for 2024!

✦ First of all, we made our itch.io page debut!

And this was perhaps the hugest milestone for us. It got a wonderful reception even if there's nothing to play yet, so we can't be grateful enough for that. This of course includes the key art and the screenshots we managed to get ready for the itchio page!

✦ We launched our official webpage!

Another amazing milestone for us! I remember tirelessly working with Raquel for weeks to get this done the way we wanted it to be.

✦ We welcomed our editor, Allie Vera, to our team!

They are not only a marvelous person but someone I'm having the privilege to learn from. Her editing skills are amazing and the script has done nothing but improve since we got it in her hands. We have started editing together and she has been working so, so hard, I'll be doing my best to keep up. Please send a lot of love their way, because they deserve it!

✦ We began working on the CGs!

Raquel has been working super hard and right now we have five CGs ready and one in process. The last one will likely be ready for next month, and with that the CGs for the demo will be finished!

✦ The UI was implemented and it's fully functional!

For someone who was a total stranger to programming, I think I've done a good job this past year! The game menus finally look like they should (with a bit of changes needed here and there) and everything is working well. I'm sure the code could be optimized greatly, but for now I'm happy with how it is (as my skills are, well, what they are!).

✦ We finished the demo script and have started the editing process!

That was a huge step for us as many changes were done to the script before we could consider it done. We sadly had to cut chunks of content because we felt like, for a demo, it was better to get to the juicy parts and meet the LI's as soon as possible. Some adaptations had to be made, some ideas had to be scratched, but here we are now, with a finished script ready to be coded, and being edited by Allie!

✦ We got some nice backgrounds done!

Work on backgrounds has been slower than we would have wanted to, but taking into consideration we were studying a master (that was pretty hard on us) and there's only four of us, I'd say it's a victory! There's still some backgrounds left, but as Astro and Raquel work on that, there's other areas of the game that keep moving forward.

✦ We opened a ko.fi page!

This was one of our 2023 goals, so high-five!

✦ We met amazing people, made new friends, and learned from a lot of fellow devs!

What a ride has it been! People I used to admire from a distance, enjoying their projects and gushing over them, are now part of my personal life. A lot of fellow devs have come forward in 2023 with new projects, new inspiring and incredible ideas, and we have been supported by all of them and welcomed as if we had always been a part of the Indie visual novel community.

Just to name a few of inspiring and amazing devs, the sweet folks at Foxglove Games (who have released Trouble Comes Twice!), Velvet Cupcake Games and their progress with Made Marion, Best Laid Plain Productions and their amazing work with Save the Villainness, and of course our beloved Crescence Studio with Alaris and Intertwine, which now has an Extended Edition!

As per usual, Lem (Crescence) has a special spot in this devlog because they have been the absolute highlight of this year. What a loving, sweet, amazing and creative individual. We all are very lucky to have them with us, but specially me; their friendship has meant so much for me this year, and I hope we can only grow closer with time! I LOVE YOU LEM!! 💜

✦ On a personal note...

On the personal side of things, I got diagnosed with OCD in late November. I had been suffering the symptoms since July, knowing something was wrong but thinking it would pass. It has changed my life and the way I see things and myself, and I'm on a long journey that has, unfortunately, affected my work on Lost in Limbo. I have not worked as much as I had planned, but I'm lucky to have my friends, my family and my partner, who are walking this path with me.

I'm sharing this because I think it's important. My experience will hopefully give someone who is reading this the push to seek help; I thought it was nothing and I ended up going through the hardest year of my life. Thankfully, I now have the help I need; I have been going to therapy since October, been diagnosed, and I'm now on my way to learn to live with OCD and heal from it. Some days are harder than others, but I'll get there! 💜

On a happier note, Astro and I will be adopting a cat from a shelter very very soon, if things go as planned! Raquel has taken the plunge and opened a sticker store! She has been doing great so far and is overworked but happy. We are so proud of her!

Also, we finally, FINALLY had the chance to get together for New Year's Eve and celebrate together after more than seven years of friendship! Sadly Kayden couldn't make it in the end because of COVID, but hopefully this is the beginning of a lot of years of celebrating together!

Mostly, the team and I have been doing fine, all things considered. Astro wants you all to now that even if he's not very active on social media, he appreciates your support a lot and will do his best to return that love! Thank you all for your support through the year, as always 💜

We had a bunch of goals set for 2023, and my God if they weren't ambitious. This year has taught us a lot about limits, about being realistic with our expectations and with the amount of work needed for a visual novel, and has overall humbled us.

There's one sprite remaining, the LI's expressions, plus one CG and finishing the backgrounds that need a bit more polishing. That and editing the script into its final state and code it accordingly.

With that being said, I want to be positive and say the demo may be ready for April - May, but I don't know if that'll be possible. We made the mistake of being too excited and too positive when it came to the work we would be able to do, and we apologize for that. We are still learning and we hope you can still support us and make this journey with us as you have been doing since we started.

Still, the demo WILL release this year. That is for sure. As we keep working —and the team has been working very, very hard— we'll decide when the demo will release, giving it time to be beta tested, sent to streamers who are interested, etc.

So the main objective of this year is...

✦ Release the demo!

Obvious, right? But with it comes some smaller goals!

✦ Code the script!

The editing process is going well —thanks to Allie who works tirelessly, honestly— so I hope I can step on the gas and get those corrections done as soon as possible!

✦ Finish all the assets!

As soon as Raquel is done with the CGs, we'll start working on the expressions together (I have already been toying with it) and the remaining sprite. Astro will finish the remaining backgrounds!

✦ Open a casting call for our LIs!

We want the demo to be at least partially voiced. When the whole script is done and more or less coded, we'll open a casting call to give our LIs what will be their official voices for the whole game. What an adventure!

✦ Open our steam page!

Pretty self-explanatory, but there it is!

What a year, huh? We have worked so much and so hard while studying, and that studies are now over. This year has been one of self-discovery, of new challenges, of some goodbyes and some new faces and friends. My only wish for 2024 is for it to be gentler to everyone. Hopefully we can all heal from whatever hurt us in 2023, laugh a lot with our loved ones, and learn more about ourselves and our lives in this 2024! 💜

With that being said, thank you for reading once more, and let us hope this year brings us a lot of amazing games and memories! 💜

[quibliography]

We Are Legion (We Are Bob) by Dennis E. Taylor

Synopsis:  This novel is about RobertJohansson and the future he didn't expect to have. Bob was thrilled to be part of the cryogenic program that would freeze his brain upon death for reanimation in a more technologically-advanced future; he just didn't expect to wake up suddenly a century later as a digitized version of himself. But with the emotional settings turned off, he's able to take all of it in stride. Especially when he's suddenly jettisoned from the planet on a mission that will hopefully save humanity from itself.

My Quibs: This is my kind of book - heavily nerdy without being overbearing about it, lightly philosophical without being too biased, cheeky, and a bit self-deprecating. Granted, don't take this book very seriously. It's more like a stupid sit-com you turn on for some entertainment. Firstly with the characters: there really is only one character replicated a hundred times over, who is also our tour guide and narrator. The author is a self-proclaimed software engineer (much like Andy Weir who wrote The Martian) and so the character development is pretty standard: Bob is a self-assured but self-aware human who thinks his dad jokes are funny. I think he's fun to ride with but another reviewer described him as obnoxious. I could see that to be true if you think giggling at nerd references is obnoxious. It's true, Taylor nor Bob are witty, but we can both be five-year-olds pointing and laughing at a stupid fish face. That's who you're stuck with for 500 pages. [Edit: Having started the second book in the series, i must say that I fully agree with how tedious his humor is now. As an adult, it's fun to play on the same with a five-year-old but after a couple hours, I really want to have an adult conversation with an adult again.] Secondly with the world-building, or should I say universe-building: he paints an interesting scenario and then proceeds to play his own version of make-believe. Again, another reviewer commented that Bob gets lucky a lot but I didn't focus so much on how Bob solved the problem. I was more interested in the problems that Taylor created. How would you react if you woke up the next day and you were a bunch of data in the cloud? That everyone and everything you knew had been long gone for a century? 🤔 Bob realizes his "endocrine simulation routine" is disabled and basically represses his emotions for the first several chapters and when he does choose to turn it on, we don't see his reactions/process. Which is fine by me. I'm more curious how I would write that story if my character was given this situation. How would you feel if the only way to fulfill a functional necessity and social desire was to make a version of yourself? 😬 Bob's lucky that he got along with most versions of himself and that those he didn't get alone with could leave for other parts of the universe. I suppose this concept ended up being more like a parent-child relationship than a self-reflection idea, but if I were to write it... Anyways, I thoroughly enjoyed the thought exercise that was We Are Legion and I'm looking forward to other hypothetical situations that Bob gets himself into. [Edit: I made it about a fifth of the way into For We Are Many and Taylor doesn't really open up any new themes or scenarios. It's starting to read more like rambling except because he has so many more new Bobs to cram in, each Bob chapter is only four or five pages long. I feel like I'm just reading reports from coworkers. This will be a DNF unfortunately.]

Should you read it? It’s like a beach read for nerds. (But just the first one...)

Similar reads? As another reader mentioned, this is clearly in the genre of Smart Guy Talks Nerd Directly To You ala The Martian by Andy Weir and Ready Player One by Ernest Cline.

(Spoiler Alert!) I went into the story 100% blind and so I didn't want to list more thought questions before the spoiler warning in case others wanted some plot points to still be a surprise. For instance, after Bob reaches his initial destination, the book really branches out into several stories. Normally I would struggle with tracking multiple unrelated story lines, but luckily the writing is simple enough that it wasn't as difficult as I expected. 1. Bob goes back to Earth to see if humanity is okay. 2. Bob goes further and discovers a planet with sentient life on it. 3. Bob goes further and finds viable uninhabited planets. 4. Bob goes further and encounters a hostile probe that was launched from a different country. #3 and #4 didn't really interest me so much. But #1 and #2, while really exposing the god-complex of nerds and scientists, still posed an interesting question. How would you handle dictating the remaining world population as it's least-biased savior? Would you know how to mediate a group of desperate world leaders? And this is my bias here, but I like seeing science-driven civilians being forced into a military-esque command position. (It also happens in Stargate: Atlantis.) And finally the other question: Could you be an in-actionable observer to nature? Should you be? If you were motivated to take action, how far would you be willing to intervene? This reminds me of a BTS clip of Planet Earth where the film crew in Antarctica, who normally promise not to intervene in any natural situation, ultimately did help a young penguin out of a hole in the ice. I guess it had fallen in and would've been left behind to starve but the crew, after weighing the pros and cons, decided to quickly pop the penguin out of the hole. There are other examples in Planet Earth where a small mistake like that will ultimately kill an animal (I think an elephant wandered off and got lost and was presumed to ultimately die) and it's portrayed as a consequence of life. But this time, they intervened. Bob's study of the Deltans reminded me of that again. Although Taylor exaggerates everything ten times over for the sake of literary drama but the question still exists.

What did you think of We Are Legion (We Are Bob)?

[h-emera]

5th try at writing the guide on custom pet paint mode brushes, if tumblr manages to mess this one up i will have a fit

16/10/2023 Edited: Updated to add better hash ID generating practices.

Things you'll need:

Sims 4 Studio

GIMP

Notepad

Guide:

Tools that we will be using:

We'll begin by creating a new, empty package.

Save it somewhere convenient and easy to access.

Once you've saved the package, you'll be met with this screen:

From here, we'll go to Tools > Game File Cruiser

We'll be working with Pet Coat Brush files and DST Image, but for now we'll only select Pet Coat Brush file, so that it's easier for us.

I've selected the first brush file and I've highlighted the piece of data we'll need to use.

We'll have to use the Game File Cruiser search function, but first, press "Add to current package". When you've gotten the hang of this, you can explore the pre-existing brush files and decide which one you'd prefer to use as your base, all are different and correspond to different brushes/stamps in-game.

Once you've clicked on "add to current package" your package editor should look like this:

Now we'll copy the Image1 ID and go back to Game File Cruiser, select DST Image from the file type list and enter the ID into the search bar:

Now, click "Add to current package" and now the package file you're working on will look like this:

Before we move further, we need to generate new instance ID's, we'll need 3 of them.

Go to Tools > Hash Generator

Edited 16/10/2023: When generating your hash ID's, please use your creator name ie.: "[YourCreatorName/Blogname]TutorialCustomFurCoat1", this will give you a more unique hash code than hoping to be as descriptive as possible when generating the hashes (in this case instance ID's).

Thanks to Mizore Yukii for this advice, from Creator's Musings.

In the "text" field, enter whatever text you want, I just go with the item name/description + a number, to indicate which ID it is.

We'll need 3 of FNV64 hash codes.

These are the 3 ID's that I've generated:

514EF7FCFA080185

514EF7FCFA080186

514EF7FCFA080187

We'll use the first code for the Pet Coat Brush file, the second code for Image1 (Brush file) and the third for Image2 (Brush icon file).

Your Pet Coat Brush file should look like this now, with the updated ID's.

Moving forward, we'll be changing the ID for the DST Image1 (Brush in-game) -

Now that you've done this, you need to right click on DST Images > Duplicate, you'll be prompted with this window:

In this window, you'll use the last hash code you generated for the Image2 new ID (in-game icon).

Now! It'll all look like this:

To edit the brush we'll be seeing in-game, we'll now have to edit the image, begin by exporting the image available in DST Image.

Once that's done, open it up in whatever editing software you want to use, I'll be using GIMP, because it has built in DDS exporter, I recommend you do the same, however if not interested in doing so, make sure your program can export DDS images in L8 format, if not, edit in preferred software and use GIMP to export as DDS.

Once you've made your brush, you'll want to do as follows:

IMPORTANT

It MUST be exported in the format L8, it will appear broken in-game otherwise.

Then, import your custom made brush into S4S package editor:

Do the same for the icon:

You've got the easiest part down, now, comes the part with testing how well the brush works and behaves in-game.

The responsibility of this falls onto the values you may have seen in Pet Coat Brush file -

These are the values responsible for how the brush works in-game.

I'll be upfront right now, I can't get the rotation value to work, I'm not sure if I'm doing something incorrectly, but if I figure it out, I'll add to the guide eventually. I haven't had time to test this further, but as far as I've been able to test it, it works like a charm.

These are the value meanings -

Sorry for how lazy this is presented, as once I figured out the basic meaning, I moved forward.

B1 is responsible for sorting on whether your brush is considered a Brush or a Stamp. 0 & 2 - Brush, 1 & 3 Stamp EDITED 24/10/2023: 0 is non-rotating brush, 2 is a rotating brush!

For F1, I do NOT recommend using 0 or 5, when I tested these values in-game, they were extremely laggy when attempting to paint. 1 - Smooth Painting, 2 - Spaced Apart Slightly, Overlap, 3 - Spaced One After Another, Some Overlap, 4 - Spaced One After Another, No Overlap

F2 changes the size of the brush in-game, meaning how small it can be, I believe. 0 - 1px smallest size brush, scaling up changes how small the brush can get.

F3 I suspect is brush rotation, but I could not make it work on any of the brushes I tried making, so I'm not 100 sure. This is one of the brushes you'll have to look at values for in the existing in-game brush files, as I could not get this to work for myself.

F4 is the maximum the size of the brush will become. Maximum size the brush can get, I've tested it from 0 to 5, 5 is quite large, so I recommend that, but go for smaller as well.

F5 I'm not entirely sure, however during my testing, I found that this changes where exactly the brush appears in both stamps and brush tabs in-game. There may be more to it, however, I could not figure it out. The values I tested for this were 0, 1 and 2, this affected where the item appeared - 0 - First Row, First Item, 1, First Row, 2nd Item, 2 - 2nd Row, First Item, I've seen that these can go quite high, ie the base file I used being 44, so keep that in mind while changing this setting. For my personal brushes I use 0.

I recommend comparing existing brush files to the one you're looking to edit.

I believe this is it. If there are any questions, I'll try to answer as best as I can. If anyone wants to add anything to this, please do so, I'll be elated to update and credit you for the information shared.

This all came to be because I could not find a guide, but fortunately for me, I'm too good at figuring things out and even though I didn't quite understand how the Game File Cruiser worked a few days ago, I've consumed so much information it hurts my brain.

Forgot to add: Finished product

Because I didn't edit the Pet Coat Brush file I was working on, I've made a stamp, I recommend messing around for a while though and finding what you prefer. The values themselves are pretty easy and forgiving to edit.

So account for that, you'll definitely want to edit the values responsible for the brush working correctly. If you have any questions, please let me know, I tried to make this as clear as possible, and I know this is probably over the top for a guide, but I'm the kind of person who needs every small direction, to even know what I'm doing, when I'm following a guide.

UPDATED AGAIN, I FORGOT TO ADD THE ACTUAL VALUES I FOUND.

[vanillaxoshi]

Experience in Suffering - Elementals Seperated AU

“So, you’ve found your way here. Greetings”

It looks up, or at least try to face the direction of the voice. No need to even use its scan, it could already tell who it is.

The spirit of light, the light of misfortune, origin of greed-

(Fellow sinner…)

But how? How could they wake from the Moth’s Dream? Is it because they are a spirit? The robot’s system was running in whatever ways it could to find an answer. Cross referencing from the Spirit of Dreams herself is out of the picture, as she was the one controlling the dreams. So why?

“I can see the gears turning in your head, it would be better if you used that for other things though” The spirit said, and it remembered. Now is no time to stand by, it has an order to follow.

Apprehend the spirit of light.

The gears within it began to churn and form, changing its fingers into cannons and guns, but the spirit remained there, simply watching. How irrational. If they had told it to get on with things, why aren’t they doing anything?

“You’re not going to go ahead and fire?”

No, not when it has its suspicions. Experience tells the robot that if one seems very confident, it means that one has a plan. It had only been able to grasp a small fraction of the spirit’s memory before, which amounted to a lifetime of memories.

Just what do they know?

The spirit descended, landing right in front of the robot, making it move back. What is the spirit doing? Do they have a death wish? It can pull the triggers right here and apprehend the spirit that way.

But it can’t. Something in the back of its mind tells it that won’t work. Perhaps a faulty old gear, against better judgement it once again lowers its weapon.

“Usually, I like to save my thoughts for all things logical and practical, but I find philosophy becoming increasingly prevalent. Much to my dismay, I’ve been forced to face it outright” A false sigh escaped the spirit, as fake as their demeanor.

“We’re quite similar are we?” What do they mean by that?

“I don’t know if it’s only the extent of your powers, or some cruel irony, you just had to choose my most painful years. I don’t blame the child creating the dreams, twisting events to fulfill my desires at that time. It made me realize something”. Despite not having eyes, the robot could feel the spirit’s gaze.

“Despite being awake, we are both dreaming, dreaming of a better time”

They took a step forward, it floated backwards.

“Both long to return to that kinder past, maybe with our knowledge we could have fixed everything”. No, no it doesn’t. Yes it does

“But we can’t can we? It’s impossible. The only way left is forward. Fearing more pain we tell ourselves to walk the easiest road ahead of us. Fighting back hurts so we stopped fighting completely”. It wished its ego systems weren’t active, so it can’t comprehend these thoughts, but the robot can’t shut down that program no matter how hard it tried.

“Hoping for the day we simply stop functioning”. Are they trying to understand it? To achieve some form of sympathy? If that’s it then sadly, it won’t work.

It never did before, no matter what…

“No choice but to keep our accursed existence, only look at past sins as if we’re reading things in a book-“

It happened so fast. How did its sensors not catch that? The robot could only question, as its right arm is now in the grip of the spirit of light.

“It doesn’t have to be this way though. Allow me to demonstrate how to look at one’s sins in the face”

The emotions flooding its systems right now- Is it fear? Shock? Horror? What even is going on? No events like this has happened in the past! It felt its palm being turned over- Stop it! Stop this!

Just remembering the existence of the left arm, the robot pointed it at the one in front of it. Cease this insanity now foolish spirit of light-

“Zaphkiel. Yod”

A loud bang went off, but it felt no damage. In fact, there’s damage at all. What did the spirit point at?

The silence is deafening. The android robot dare not move, fearing the touch on it’s misshapen hands might leave, that there would be a thud on the floor, and the spirit would be gone, meaning it had failed it’s mission.

It felt as if time had slowed to a stop, before it heard that voice again.

“Well… That was a certainly a trip down memory lane. I knew your power didn’t have something as silly as a 100 year limit” It sounded as if the spirit was smiling ear to ear, taking delight in its horror, a feeling it doesn’t want to experience again.

Welp, been a while since I actually wrote something. Wanted cool Solar and maybe drop some lore of mah boi Remiel. I also just discovered editing the texts

We got remiel!!

Those lines in the end are added hmmm

Reading this more thoroughly

solar being eerily poetic to Remiel and Remiel just not comprehending whatever is happening being with Solar

The android crossed out, so this period Remiel hasnt considered himself much of a person just a robot with a job to do

Trying to supress what makes him less of a robot too

And Solar is helping but in a not so pleasant way? Like help Remiel through this crisis of his despite both of them just gone through a recap of what Neira did for them

[rehnwriter]

Tag Game Here We Go!

My good friend @girlfromthecrypt mentioned me in her recent writeblr tag game and I decided to join in the fun!

1) What motivates you to write?

To be honest? Anything. I've written ever since I was little, and have enjoyed it ever since. I'm a very creative person, and I'm constantly thinking about stories, ideas, and what not, and putting them to paper always feels great. I'm also a very driven person, and like to work on projects / keep myself busy, and writing definitely ticks that box.

2) A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

I'm currently working on the final edits of my novel 'New Haven,' based on my series 'A guest at my motel asked me to post his story. He looked like he went through hell…' It's been quite a ride, but I'm finally on the final stretch and the end is in sight. Here's just a random little snippet from a dream sequence that I quite enjoyed:

At that moment, Mom got to her feet. She was impossibly tall and towered high over every other member of the congregation. Her face was stern and her appearance was that of a stoic believer. Around her head, a halo of dark, hellish flames had formed. In a bellowing voice, she answered that there was indeed yet another sinner.

3) Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

It's got to be Ethan from my 'New Haven' novel. He's your typical loner, rebel-type (and loosely based on James from Twin Peaks). He's quite the interesting character, one who might seem half mad and angry all the time, but he's got quite the depths to it. I just really enjoy writing him and his dialogue.

4) What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

The first draft hands down. While I usually outline a story beforehand, the first draft is the most creative part of writing. The best thing is that after a good ten to fifteen minutes, I get fully immersed in the story and things just come to me. It's almost as if the process of sitting down and forcing myself through those first minutes hands me the muse's kiss (as weird as that sounds).

5) What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

This is really a tough one since I'm very bad at judging myself. I think I've gotten quite a bit better when it comes to writing dialogue and I enjoy it a lot. On the other hand, I think I've got a hand for otherworldly, and weird imagery/descriptions.

6) What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

Gotta be honest, I'm not really a part of the community. I guess even when I'm on social-media, I'm a rather anti-social person who keeps to himself and just shares/rebolgs his own stories. I'm, however, always happy to see other people interacting with one another, and motivating each other to keep on writing and pushing forward. You guys are all the best!

7) A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

I really, really love WriteMonkey. It's a distraction-free writing software that essentially gives you nothing but a black screen on which you type. I've got serious focus problems and pretty much anything can distract me, even if it's just a menu with formatting options.

Another piece of software I've recently started working with is Scrivener. It doubles as a writing and organizing tool, but the best thing is that it comes with an export and formatting function. It means you basically just type out your story/chapters and the program puts it into a publishable ebook or submittable manuscript. This honestly saves an incredible amount of time and headache, since there are so many things you've got to look out for and keep in mind otherwise.

8) A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

I really like the backstory of New Haven. It's essentially a small, unimportant religious town in the middle of nowhere, but as the novel continues my main characters discover that it's got quite a history. This includes Lutheran Christians, a German nobleman from the city of Gotha, and quite a few other things. I really love adding these tiny bits and pieces to make the settings seem more alive.

9) What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

This might sound a bit harsh, but the best advice I can give people is to just sit down and write. Anything, really. If you're stuck on your current WIP, write something else for a bit, or maybe put out an entirely different story. I've been stuck before, and it's a terrible place to be in, and sometimes things just might become a bit too much, or you might grow to hate your current WIP. It's happened to me before. So just taking some time off, and writing something just for fun, is a great way to rekindle your creativity.

Another thing is, to allow yourself to take breaks! Sometimes, you've just got to recharge. Over the years, I've been extremely disciplined and forced myself to write every single day, even if I got home late, I'd force myself to put in at least half an hour. While I got a lot of work done, it honestly wasn't healthy, and I had to learn that taking some time off isn't a bad thing, and sometimes, it's truly necessary.

Just last month, I didn't feel things. All the stories I was working on were tough, a new novella I'd started didn't feel right, and I was in no mind to work on editing New Haven. And so, I took a few weeks off, until the spark was there again and I just help getting back into things.

10) Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

Oh man, this is so tough. @girlfromthecrypt was the one who originally tagged me, so I've got to give thanks for this little break. Other than that, I'd tag @octoberconstellation who's been sneaking me little sets of questions that are quite fun to answer.

Well, that's about it! Hope you guys enjoyed this little look into my head. And I'm sorry, some of my answers might have gotten a bit out of hand.

[luigiblood]

Some thoughts about Nintendo Switch Online retro games since last time

This is essentially going to be not much of a post but I guess I could talk about a few things about its future since with all the updates that we got since last time.

We'll talk about UI code, Pokémon, NES, Fire Emblem and N64.

UI code upgrade

Literally the next day since my last post about it, on March 16th, Nintendo added new NES, SNES and GB titles. Under the hood, they did do a massive change to the user interface programming, bringing pretty much every NSO app to the latest user interface codebase that GB and GBA NSO had.

That said it brings absolutely no visible changes, NERD has just made sure to bring everything up-to-date. This is just more stable and probably easier to program and manage UI code.

Pokémon Stadium 1 & 2

On April 12th, Nintendo released Pokémon Stadium to NSO + Expansion Pack, and with no Transfer Pak support.

Of course, what did I even expect since there's no old mainline Pokémon titles yet (if ever?).

My opinion about Pokémon on NSO is that it will get stuck to only spinoffs. My worst case realistic scenario (aside from no rerelease) is Pokémon Company selling the old gens at $15 piecemeal (yes, $5 more than on 3DS Virtual Console).

Personally I expect Pokémon Company to be very strict about Pokémon management, and those games are highly abusable with glitches, honestly and are kind of region locked, too to some extent especially between japanese and international players, but they still bothered to rerelease them and supporting them with a way to transfer your Pokémons out of the games. It's also abusable if you supported the Transfer Pak in Pokémon Stadium titles since they also work like extra boxes for your Pokémons and those support save states, which was explicitly removed out of the 3DS Virtual Console release...

They did also release Pokémon Stadium 2 this week, also without Transfer Pak support.

I did look at the emulator really quick and did find that they added new functions for Lua script hacking for the games, and it does kinda look like they rebuilt the entire thing from a new version at least.

I'll speak more about N64 emulation later.

Mystery Tower

Fast forwarding a bit, on June 6th, Nintendo added more NES, SNES and GB titles. One of them was Mystery Tower by Namco.

This bothered me, because I knew what this game was, but the title did absolutely not sound right. Turns out this title is actually brand new, they had this title in their collection, the original title was "BABEL" which is interesting since this means it is a first case of title change hacks on NSO. That said I did eventually find out that Japan also had a title change to "The Tower of Babel", which was also done in collections, but also the Wii U Virtual Console release!

Anyway please try this puzzle game, just keep in mind the direction and how you can turn around stuff based on how you face it.

Fire Emblem

On June 23rd, Nintendo released Fire Emblem for the GBA NSO app. But Japan also had Fire Emblem: The Binding Blade, the actual first GBA Fire Emblem title, as we only started to get these games since the second GBA title.

I'll refer to them as FE6 (The Binding Blade) and FE7 (Fire Emblem) from now on.

This update was interesting for a couple reasons.

It just so happens that the japanese version of FE7 can link to FE6's completed save files to unlock a couple things in the game.

So now, when you go into multiplayer, after the first player selects FE7, the second player is allowed to select either FE7, or FE6 for "Link Cleared Save Data" (official english text). Another player can simply share their save files to another player.

This also means that the GBA app now has the ability to load different games for each player depending on the choice of the first player who serves as the host.

(This screenshot is me messing around with the functionality.)

However this is not the only noteworthy thing to happen, because it wouldn't feel fair for a single player to not being able to transfer their own FE6 saves to FE7. Well, they did actually implement a hack for single player too!

They actually reimplemented the linking process inside the emulator just to avoid emulating a second GBA for it, and it would seamlessly transfer the save data just fine.

If you're wondering about what it unlocks, a quick read made me figure out that it skips Lyn's story, and add new scenes to the epilogue and other small additions as well. Those new epilogue scenes are available in the US version by default, but not in the EU versions for some reason. They can also be accessed in the JP version without a save transfer by finishing the game 9 to 11 times (what the heck).

This functionality working as it is really cool, honestly, and it makes a process less painful to do like it was back then, and it did make me feel confident in the transfer of data between games like with Golden Sun & Golden Sun: The Lost Age or the Zelda Oracle games... speaking of...

The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages/Seasons

Those two games ended up randomly coming at the end of July this year. They are known for being two parts of a fuller story if you link each of them from whatever order you start them with.

And that's where my disappointment came in to remind me of the terrible reality that is Nintendo Switch Online.

It is doable for two players to share their save files to each other through multiplayer, but if you wanna do the games yourself on your own in single player, you'll have to input the password you get from the other game.

That is kinda sad considering it's the first player who selects the save file from the other player, it could have been very easy to setup in a way that's easy to use without needing to implement any specific user interface, but that didn't quite happen.

I hope they'll bother for Golden Sun considering the tiers of password this game can have with Golden Sun: The Lost Age, but I am starting to think if the game does offer a way to transfer without needing any additional work, they wouldn't do it. In the case of Fire Emblem, this way of save transfer was the only way to do it.

I did not mention much about this, but Oracle of Ages/Seasons are also known for having exclusive content if you play those games on a Game Boy Advance. After looking into it though, it does not seem like we're missing much, but it's kinda sad that they're not really in their most definitive way to play them.

Pokémon Trading Card Game

Two weeks after those last two games, Pokémon Trading Card Game and Pokémon Stadium 2 were released.

The cool thing about this game, is that they emulated the infrared communications.

At least, Card Pop does work, for sure, which does require emulation of the IR communcation... or does it?

Upon a quick inspection of the emulator code, I found out that the emulator does indeed patch the game ROM's functions, and thanks to the disassembled Pokémon Trading Card Game offering me a lot of information, I found out that they absolutely don't emulate the IR communications at all and outright replace the IR functions to point to a invalid 0xDD opcode (opcodes are small commands that CPU executes)... which probably points to a function in the emulator to specifically manage this. Ain't that funny? In any case though, they do at least let all IR communications work just fine, and that's what matters.

(For the nerds who wants to look this up, the emulator keeps SHA1 hashes of the ROM you can easily search for, then points to a struct of 100 bytes original to compare, 100 bytes to patch, address, size, and something else I don't get.)

I ended up looking this up as someone pointed me to this video:

It turns out in the original game, one of the cards, the Phantom Venusaur, is impossible to obtain due to a mistake in the calculations of the odds, on which this video explains very well in detail.

This is the reason that motivated me to look at how the emulator might patch the game, and see if they fixed this issue: They did not fix this problem, I see no patch for any of the relevant code for this.

So, NERD, if you're reading this, look at 06:5D92, you can definitely fix this in one way or another.

N64 emulation

So... the Pokémon Stadium 2 release at least updated the emulator in some way, because they added new functions for the Lua scripting for N64 game hacks, and some of the UI engine stuff got shuffled around.

Then I tried some of the games, to see if some things got fixed:

F-Zero X did NOT get its framerate drop fixed.

Goldeneye's Dam level has texture tiling fixed. Interesting.

Since I noticed this last thing, it was pointed to Graslu00 who knows the game in and out and already compared the emulation of the game on NSO and Xbox... to a disappointing degree.

Here's his thread about the fixes... or rather the lack of: https://twitter.com/Graslu00/status/1688994099477528576

The update did also some additional fixes to Pokémon Stadium 1, though I don't really know much about it other than it relates to rendering and soft reset in some way.

Unfortunately the N64 emulator is still not up to snuff, but I think the most annoying thing is still the controls. The default controls suck, let us change them in the emulator, per game! Offer also better stick emulation!

It still pains me to rely on the Switch OS remap feature, it's not good for this, it messes too much with some of the macros, it sucks!

It annoys me when I see the text "Change Control Method" in the emulator files too, you guys clearly thought about it! Why isn't it a feature after months with nothing?

Future releases

There's still a couple N64 games left that were explicitly announced for 2023, such as 1080° Snowboarding, Excitebike 64 and Mario Party 3.

That said Japan also had plans for release of Harvest Moon 64 (which I see no reason why we can't get it now that Harvest Moon SNES got released since), but also Goldeneye 007, on which Japan has it on the highest age rating (CERO Z).

Considering how the plans are going and how lazy everything is (sorry devs, I'm sure you guys know already, but most of the results of this just don't impress me and don't fill me with confidence aside from GB/GBA somehow), I just think N64 NSO will randomly get a 18+ rating and put every N64 game under parental control bullshit out of nowhere with no warning for Japan.

Also, where's the alternate languages for NES and SNES games?

[drcharadreemurr]

The final dustng

Frisk made their way into the Core, fully expecting to run into monsters here. They try the elevator just to see if it will work and to their surprise, it does. They end up at the end of the Core, scoffing as they touch the Save point and make their way back through the Core to find the stragglers.

It doesn't take them long to find them, it's clear they expected Frisk to just take the elevator and leave. They were easy prey for Frisk's knife. They sweep some dust into the Core, smiling as they do.

The number of remaining monsters continued to dwindle as Frisk made short work of everyone she found. With one more Madjick dusted, that was it.

There were no more monsters to hunt down.

Frisk made their way back to the Save point and locks things in as permanent. They make their way into the next room where Mettaton awaits.

Mettaton sat in the middle of the dark room, unmoving. "Well, you finally made it. It's about time darling, I was starting to think someone else killed you and didn't let me know."

Frisk takes a step forward.

"Oh, eager are we, well just hold your horses there bucko. I know that you are strong and that you've beaten everyone up until this point. But don't think that means that I will just run away. Only try Mettaton fans know that I was originally programmed as a human eradication robot, and those functions were never fully disabled."

Frisk looks unamused.

"So, if you take one more step, I will be forced to show you what I'm capable of."

A smile crosses Frisk's face as they take a step forward.

"Alright then, guess it's showtime for Mettaton NEO." A bright flash fills the room and when it fades you can see Mettaton NEO. Their right arm is a cannon, their legs have moved to their shoulders and given them wings. You expect that maybe they could-

With a single strike, Mettaton NEO is defeated. Frisk lets out a loud laugh.

"G-guess that Alphys should have worked more on the defenses. I guess you don't want to join my fan club?" Mettaton explodes, and Frisk continues to laugh.

"Pathetic, absolutely pathetic. That idiot thought they could stop me. Pathetic."

Frisk continues to laugh for a few more minutes before carrying on and saving at the next Save point.

Everything is almost at it's end.