#not only am i worrying for my academics but then my social life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

cameronspecial · 10 months

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brothers best friend! rafe

No Recognition

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x Reader

Warnings: Unconsensual Grinding

Pronouns: She/Her

Word Count: 0.6K

Masterlist

Joe had always been Rafe’s best friend. The pair were inseparable since they met at three years old and when Y/N came into the world two years later, the friends had agreed that they would protect her no matter what. If Joe and Rafe are around, then it is likely Y/N is not far behind, dragged there by her brother and his best friend under the pretense of protecting her. She loves the pair, but they often drive her crazy with their constant worry about her. Her phone is constantly ringing if she isn’t with either of them and they will be at her location as soon as they learn where she is. When she was a sophomore in high school, she had to get rid of her brother on find my iPhone after he and Rafe were “coincidentally” going to watch the same movie as her and her date. Once they graduated high school, the boys relaxed a little bit more with her. Their busy academic and social schedules impede their ability to take care of her. She has to admit that she missed the comfort of knowing they would always be there for her.

UNC Chapel Hill had a great program for what she wanted, so it wasn’t like she picked to go there solely for the reason that she would have the two troublemakers back in her life. But she has to admit that she found herself getting giddy every time she spotted his blonde hair and bold blue eyes. Over the two years of being away from him, she had realized there was another reason why she sought his comfort. It was because he caused butterflies in her stomach whenever she thought about him and she truly never thought she’d feel that way about her brother’s best friend.

——

Her roommate had dragged her to the party. Y/N had no idea where she was, but she was having fun at least until some guy thought it would be fun to encroach on her personal space. “Come on, Mamacita. You look so fine, just let me feel how tight your pussy is,” the boy grovels, pushing his front against her backside. Y/N tries to move forward to get away. It doesn’t help. However, suddenly, her solution seems to have worked because she no longer feels the pressure on her backside. She turns to check if he is gone only to see him being shoved up against the wall by Rafe. Rafe’s forearm is pressed against the other man’s neck, “I don’t want to see you touching or talking to Y/N or any other woman like that again. You are banned from this house. Don’t let me see you again.” With that, the man leaves in a hurry.

Rafe turns toward her, stepping closer to check on her. “Are you okay, Y/N/N?” His hands gently fall on her shoulders as he looks into her eyes. She nods, “Yeah, thank you. What are you doing here?” “I’m a part of the fraternity, Y/N/N. And good thing I am. I’m afraid of what that sleaze ball would’ve done to you if I wasn’t here,” he worries, bringing her into a hug. She wraps her arms around his back, “I’m okay, Rafe. I promise. It’s not like he had much going in his pants to press against me anyway.” The joke lightens the situation a little bit, causing both of them to laugh. Rafe straightens up to look her in her eyes and she swears it feels like his lips are getting closer to his. Just when she thought their lips were about to touch, Joe came crashing in. He pulls her away from Rafe’s hold. “Look, it’s Y/N/N. My baby sister can finally party with the big boys. Come meet the others,” Joe encourages, walking to different parts of the room to be introduced to Joe and Rafe’s other frat brothers. This leaves what could’ve been between Y/N and Rafe behind without the chance to be recognized.

Taglist: @winterrrnight @loves0phelia @thelomlisrafecameron

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cowboyjen68 · 3 months

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Hi Jen!

I am very happy to have found your tumblr! I've been watching your tiktoks, so I'm soooo glad to have found you elsewhere. I've been resonating with the word butch for a while, but it took me a while to figure out whether to use it or not as a trans guy. But seeing your stuff was my final push to stop worrying about it and going with my heart and you make me feel very seen and happy as a young butch. Much love, have a great day and take care <33

I , of course, can only speak from my circles of friends and experience. I have never much been one to read a ton of studies or academic papers about gender studies or specifically lesbians. I find the stories of my own elders and the sharing of experiences with other lesbians yields way more nuance and, dare I say, Common Sense.

The reality is often way more complex than social media discourse but in the same sense more simple and without taking too much too seriously or personal as others figure out where they fit and what resonates or does not. Figuring out anything in the modern world as we are inundated with information, good and bad, can be a difficult task. Separating what is within and what is without, what feels right and what is just TOLD to us that we are supposed to feel is a full time job in these times.

I share my stories and allow people to take what they need and leave the rest. Real life experience is more suited to the human experience than a one size fits all declaration.

I hope you saw my tiktok where I stitched Roman. We are vastly different in our approach to embracing our butchness and yet so similar in the way we move and are perceived in the world. The world is too vast to cast all trans men or otherwise in one giant mold.

I am glad you found me and and I hope you find friends and a social circle that says "yep" and you all get on with living and loving life.

#butch #lesbian #trans man #sharing stories

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thatgirlie-diaries · 10 months

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Week 8,9 & 10 - #100DayReinvention Progress log ୨୧

Original challenge by @dreamdolldiary

Hello girlies! I now I haven't uploaded new posts about this challenge, but it doesn't mean I left it. I was very busy finishing my semester :( But now that I am free I am going to put togheter the last three weks! At 8 and 9 I was still at university, but by the 10th week I was already at vacations so I was finally free and able to do focus on my desired goals, improvement and activities.

Since at week 8 and 9 I was still worried about approving my subjects, the progress shown will be mostly about the last week.

𝐈. My weekly progress

Health: I tried doing pilates but because of being busy I only did it once a week. I tried sleeping at 10pm and only could 2/7 times at week :(. Since I'm on vacations I am back at cooking! My skin has gotten worse, I'm thinking it's beacuse of using hot water but my hair looks shinier and healthier.

Academic: I haven't studied Italian since I don't have the time available for it :( I passed my semester with probably 92.5/100. I have been learning about fashion and business.

Adulting: I finally got a job! I feel so grateful for it, I will begin next week so wish me good luck.

Hobby: I did my best to be consistent with the blog even when busy, last week I was very active. I began a new book about dark psychology and I passed my gymnastics exam when I didn't practiced for a month!

Social: I haven't made any progress in this area

Healing: I have made longer my meditation and yoga sessions, I have journaled about my feelings and worries releasing them and making myself feel calmer and peaceful. I have also started using affirmation audios and created a mini manifestation routine.

Style: Even though I haven't changed my makeup or practiced new hairstyles I feel and look prettier. I am in my pink clean girl era and I think it looks great on me.

𝐈𝐈. I need to work on

Sleep earlier and wake up earlier - I know that if I don't sleep/wake up at my ideal time and procrastinate about it I will not only waste time, I will waste my energy. So it's my major problem to improve.

Drink more water and more fruits! Leave behind the junk food. This goes for my skin and gut health.

Keeping myself healthy and balanced, away from burnout

Switch my music and phone usage distractions with being focused

𝐈𝐈𝐈. Next week I will focus on

I will focus this next week by:

Having a good attitude at my new job!

Manage well my new schedule and routine, balancing my job, cheer and personal life

Manage well my financial budget.

See you next week, girlies! I will slay this week 𑄽𑄺ྀ

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fumifooms · 11 months

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Marcille & Chilchuck contrasts & similarities

Yesterday in the Dunmeshi Discord we talked about narrative foils and I ended up writing a lot about my fave duo so. Informal character analysis time. I give some in-depth interpretations on aspects of Chilchuck’s character near the end as well, not just analyzing their characters in how they contrast each other

Marcille and Chil are so foils to me. "Has experienced loss through death and now clings onto the people around her and is overly interested in engaging in social gossip" vs "has experienced loss through rejection and now refuses to open up to anyone until socially starved", both are responding to their experience with loss in fully different ways, socializing and trying to learn all she can for the short time she has with others but trying to keep digestible enough that she’s not too attached if she loses them, vs refusing to socialize so the problem stops before it begins but eventually unable to resist the pull that comes with being a social creature. Like I guess what I’m trying to say is that Marcille engaging with social gossip could be a shallow way for her to vicariously experience social relationships if she feels like forming deep bonds is unsafe. Family is a core motivation and value for them but in different ways. Both want to keep the status quo but in different ways.

Divorcee who avoids love wether it be in the people around him or thinking about his own (past?) romance vs hopeless romantic that idealizes love without herself having been in a relationship or even in love herself as far as we know. Middle child vs only child. Emotional constipation vs emotional intelligence. Streets savvy vs prestigious academic, field experience vs book smarts. Crass vs prim. Overbearingly social vs private to a fault. Never externalizes his feelings and to a degree represses them vs wears her heart on her sleeve and her feelings on her face. They start out underestimating each other in different ways, one by assuming his age and the other by undermining her skills, experience and willpower. Both seeing each other’s motives as somewhat skewed (money and research of shady magic respectively) but growing to respect them.

They also both seek approval and validation from others, unlike Senshi and even Laios who don’t seem to care about outside perception as much, Marcille worries early on that she’s not helpful enough and slowing the party down meanwhile Chilchuck is almost always trying to prove a point early on that he’s capable and mature. Coincidentally enough, Chilchuck’s approval was both the catalyst and the key to resolving her arc about it in the mandrake chapter, meanwhile besides Senshi Marcille is the one whose perception of Chilchuck gets the most changed over the course of the whole manga. Something else notable is how they deal differently with their races being judged, while Chilchuck reaffirms himself as a proud half-foot, Marcille hides her half-elf nature and is embarrassed of it when it’s revealed. Something subtle yet interesting is also how they both are shown to prefer lying in a way that makes them look bad rather than admitting ignorance on something. Chilchuck says that he cheated on his wife and that’s why she left rather than just saying that he doesn’t know why she did. Marcille in the mandrake chapter says that she has used a dog to harvest mandrakes (thus killing it) before while in truth she never has, and everyone including herself is like "That’s horrible… The poor dog!"

Their dad dies. Chil is like "Hm. Cool. Anyways he died doing smth he loved right so haha lemme drink myself into an early death bed too yolo 🔥🤟" vs "He died and it shattered my world and I must devote all my life to wiping death out of existence".

"I am going to knowingly shorten my lifestyle through unhealthy habits actually."

Problem solving approaches

One thing I love about them is how they have complete opposite approaches to problem solving. Besides striving for workers’ rights and job stability for halflings with an union, he’s very "laissez-faire". He won’t do the righteous thing just because it’s the right thing if he doesn’t have an incentive or a safety net, like going to save Falin. He doesn’t chase after his wife to talk it out and make amends, he gives her space and either hopes she’ll talk when she’s ready or figures that he shouldn’t try to do anything about it. He doesn’t mention the mimic he noticed to the others to not make a big deal out of it and hopefully it won’t come up again. He’s a "if the glass is half-full that’s fine enough for me, I don’t need things to be as good as they could be" type, a "leave it alone until it figures itself out" type.

Marcille? Marcille is idealistic and in-your-face. If there is an issue you better believe Marcille will address it and try her hardest to fix it, will talk it out and attempt to understand & strive to make things as best possible for everyone involved. She will FORCE you to talk about your FEELINGS wether you like it or NOT. Leaving it alone? Keeping things as just okay when they could be great instead? No no no no no, that’s not right, she’s going to try and fix it now. She will make you stand up and fight for the best that your life could be, to be honest when something bothers you and do something about it, will make you stop suppressing yourself because you’re scared of things getting worse.

Which, you know, both methods certainly have their pros and cons, but they’re very complimentary in that way. He grounds her into a more down to earth mindset and teaches by example that it’s okay if things don’t necessarily work out and moving on is possible and not necessarily miserable, while she encourages him to not give up so fast or stay quiet on things that bother so much. He soothes and she emboldens 🔥 Funny, because you could have thought it would’ve been the contrary, which is not untrue either, but he’s the "has experienced the harshness of life and has settled for something comfortable but modest" while she’s the "wants to make the world better and goes to great lengths to change it while still trying to find herself & uncomfortable with some aspects of life like loss".

One overly focuses on dealing with issues by changing things around her while the other overly focuses on only changing himself.

——

Chilchuck leaves things alone if he thinks they’re best left unaddressed or thinks they’ll work itself out. Like the mimic he didn’t tell the group about but it backfired later. Like how he didn’t chase after his wife or seemingly tried to contact her at all. Like how he prefers not to dig into people’s personal issues in parties and be left alone to deal with his stuff on his own as well.

Meanwhile Marcille is overbearingly in-your-face and loud and "if there’s a problem we’re dishing it out right here right now. Your wife left you?? And you didn’t try to get her back?? I am going to write out a script and a plan for you to apologize and please bring these piles of presents."

She’s secretive about her fair share of things as well but she’s very proactive. While she seeks to research something that’s a core motivation and life goal to her + save someone she deeply cares for Chil is there for his job and to get money and "hey if something happens I’ll have done my part. I took you guys here now you guys figure out the rest and fight the monsters or something". They both like to have a say in the strategy, Chilchuck moreso as time goes on, but Marcille involves herself much more into almost everything.

Espescially early on, they’re always sticking by each other judging Senshi & Laios together and being like "Am I seeing this shit right. They’re crazy right? Tell me I’m not the only one here with common sense" and forming a 🤝 relationship over it and considering that, it sometimes feel… Contradicting? How they also have a lot of conflict together over time about how different they truly are. But it’s interesting and nice to see how even though they do have arguments it always gets resolved pretty promptly, like they’re truly hashing it out as equals and then when that’s done they’re back to being on the same wavelength. The exception would be Marcille taking a long time to come around on Chil being old, but arguments and debates like the one on dark magic and if it’s okay or wrong to use it, which was pretty serious and not just banter? They came to find a middle ground or at least understanding, and it didn’t seem to lower the respect they hold for another afterwards.

Chilchuck’s repressing habit

I do think Chilchuck has a repressed thing where he doesn’t WANT to think about it about his feelings sometimes, like with his wife- and maybe with his father? But the way he was so casual and nonchalant about his father dying has always struck me. I’m not sure if this is a "my feelings on my father were mixed and complicated at best" thing or a "I just don’t want to spend time thinking about it" thing or something else, but it gives food for thought.

When it comes to alcohol there’s this saying where an alcoholic parent will have 2 kids and one will grow to be alcoholic too while the other will never even touch a drop of alcohol and both when asked why will say "I watched my father". Chilchuck is def the first I think. He gives the vibe of "An alcoholic parent puts a strain on familial relationships?? Pshh, my father was and look at me! I turned out great!" Which is something I’ve heard irl lol which always makes you go like 👀 yes indeed you’re perfectly well-adjusted and haven’t been affected by your father’s alcoholism at all it’s clear as day. On that topic, Chilchuck’s family, both currently and when he was a kid, are very interesting topics to theorize about with the hints and cues we have, how his wife truly felt and what happened for her to feel unappreciated enough to leave, how distant is he from his daughters if they haven’t seen each other in the same year either and Flertom was the only one to send him a letter? But that’s a topic for another day

Chilchuck probably has such a complex…. Of like not being… Like allowed to take space I guess? And he does wish to affirm that right, he takes space and asks for it so very overtly, he formed a half-foot guild to demand better working conditions as one of the biggest examples of that. He grew up poor and undermined but he knows that he’s capable and someone worthy of respect and demands it, and takes every opportunity to prove himself. But on the other end, he doesn’t seem to want to keep his hopes up in general, like asking for something to be better is bound to fail, that it’d be too good to be true. He tries to keep out of where his job doesn’t need him, from a sense of efficiency that cuts down on unnecessary stops but also because he just thinks it isn’t his place to do so. It strikes me that it’s hinted that like… He doesn’t even really consider the possibility of going to his wife and trying to mend the relationship. Like it’s either she’ll decide to take him back on her own or he’ll be left out in the cold waiting, never knowing just where he’s truly at with her and if things are over for good. Like… Shooting his shot and making his case doesn’t even register as an option? Like he’s not worth fighting for, like whatever he did wouldn’t change her opinion anyways?

He def has a "life isn’t like a fairytale where everything goes well" philosophy where sometimes it feels like he just gives up on how things maybe could be better, especially interpersonally. Maybe it’s why he focuses on simple joys like alcohol instead of trying to keep up with relationships which can be complex and very fickle, in his own words. Something like alcohol is predictable, always there to fall back on, safe, gives him sensations without other emotional/social risks attached. Ironic for someone whose job is all about risks, but understandable

He contradicts even himself… Bro yes you’re capable, yes you’re great, yes you matter, now maybe speak about your feelings maybe??? Or do you not think your emotional issues deserve to get fixed and have closure???? Are you so used to being dismissed, overlooked and undermined that you think no one will listen even if you speak up?? And this recontextualize his "I’m not even gonna try and talk this issue out because I know (assume) that it won’t solve anything anyways" approach, doesn’t it.

"I must break my party members’ stuff or lie to them because if I just tell them my opinion and my feelings that I don’t want them to die they won’t care anyways and keep going"

In a way everyone is the glue of the party in different ways, Laios giving the group a direction and a plan, Senshi keeping them fed and grounded, Marcille making everyone more social and encouraging bonds to form, and for Chilchuck he’s the one most focused on actually keeping everyone alive I think.

Conclusion

Idk I’m not gonna repeat every point but have this as a parting contrast:

Guy with shortest lifespan possible who doesn’t mind knowingly shortening his own with an unhealthy habit, here for a good time not a long time, VS girl with longest lifespan possible who wants to lengthen everyone’s life, who focuses on how long she can keep something or someone rather than how happy her time with it has made her already. They’re both loud in their own way, and both are still insecure despite appearances. In a way, both of them focus on taking care of others while overlooking their own demons.

#Dungeon meshi #chilchuck tims #marcille donato #character analysis #meta #Marchil #For the discord peeps i mostly streamlined things and yeah added a few things but prob not worth rereading #Sorry for posting less I’m still brainrotting just as much now I just do it more frequently on Discord instead lol #I have so many thoughts written down already I just dunno how to structure and post them. One day. For now I’m working on a marchil fic #Analysis

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drewsbuzzcut · 11 months

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The Other Blankenburg

nick moldenhauer x dallas blankenburg

a so it goes blurb

warnings: none that I can think of

“What’re your intentions with my sister?” Kent speaks up.

“KJ you’re not her brother. Nick, what are your intentions with my sister?” Blanks asks the same question.

“Hey! First of all, KJ is like another brother to me, and second of all, stop harassing my boyfriend,” Dallas chastised the two boys sitting across from her and Nick.

She brings her hand up to soothingly scratch at the back of his neck. She feels accomplished when she feels his body melt into hers. He seems calm and collected, but by the way he chews on his bottom lip and how his hand slightly shakes from where it’s resting on her thigh, she can tell he’s nervous. Her brother and honorary brother are definitely putting on the pressure. Their requests to meet her boyfriend were being ignored until her brother cornered her when she had nothing to use as an excuse. It’s not that she doesn’t want her boyfriend to meet two of the most important men in her life, but she was worried that they’d be overbearing and scare Nick away.

“Yeah, Blanks, I’m like her brother. Dallas, just be glad Owen isn’t here,” Kent teases, earning an eye roll from the girl.

“I plan to treat Dallas with the utmost respect and care. She’s my biggest supporter and I’m hers as well. She’s definitely helped shape me into who I am today,” Nick claims, although to the average person it’d sound crazy being that they’ve only been together for almost 2 months.

“Why’d you choose a hockey player?” Blanks asks. It’s his only way to pick at Nick because he hasn’t said one bad thing the whole night. Blanks actually thinks Nick compliments Dallas very well and vice versa.

“Nick!” Dallas shouts, cringing at the way she forgot they’re in a public place.

The three boys laugh at her expression.

“So, how do your grades look? It’s very important to maintain your academics and social life,” Blanks asks another question that makes Dallas want to reach across the table and pull his hair.

“Better than average. I do struggle in some classes with time management, but June has been very helpful and I’m grateful for that,” Nick says, Dallas’ eyes widened at her first name slipping from his lips. Nick didn’t know, but Blanks nor Kent knew that she allowed him to call her that.

When she glances at them, they’re wearing shit eating grins. They definitely figured out that she’s down bad for a hockey player, knowing that Dallas always claimed she’d never get with a hockey player.

“June?” Kent attempts to confirm that he heard correctly. She can tell he’s trying hard not to laugh.

Dallas flips him off, hiding her face in Nick’s shoulder.

“Moldy, did you know that Dallas, here, always said she’d never get in a relationship with a hockey player?” Blanks laughs at his sister's glare.

Moldy, huh? That’s new. Dallas finds herself hiding her growing smile. She likes the way they’re being welcoming to him.

“You guys are assholes, you know that?”

“We’re just teasing you two, but being that you’re her boyfriend and a hockey player, must mean you’re a really great guy,” KJ admits.

“I agree and I approve,” Blanks adds.

“Wow! It’s almost like I was asking for your guy’s approval,” Dallas retorts sarcastically. On the inside, she’s glad they like Nick.

———————————————————————

“I think Vegas would be fun,” KJ says, referring to their impromptu guys trip during the offseason.

“I can’t. I’m not 21 yet,” Nick says, sounding disappointed. He’s standing next to Kent and Dallas’ brother and Dallas is on his opposite side, his arm thrown over her shoulders.

“Shit, I forgot about that. Maybe we can go to Cancun or somewhere in Europe,” KJ suggests.

“No! He’s not going to Europe without me. Get your own boyfriend to take on a trip,” Dallas warns, although her words don’t hold much threat to them.

They all laugh at her words, making her pout.

“What’s wrong Dallas? Upset that we made our newest best friend?” At her brother’s words, Nick lights up seemingly surprised at how much they like him. He was expecting more tough brotherly love on her behalf. He’s glad he’s considered a best friend.

“Whatever, at least I know I’m Nick’s favorite,” Dallas sticks her tongue out at her brother.

“I don’t know about that, babe,” Nick teases.

“Fine. No kisses for you,” she states, walking ahead of the three of them.

Nick pauses, runs up behind his girlfriend and picks her up. His face goes between where her neck and shoulder meet, ignoring her squeals as he pecks her skin.

“I’m sorry, you’re my favorite,” Nick says, putting Dallas down and walking in front of her as she walks backwards. His hands are cupping her cheeks in a way that makes her lips pucker up.

She rolls her eyes, arms wrapping around his neck as she leans up to kiss his lips.

“Ugh get a room,” she hears from one of her annoying brothers.

“Aww what’s wrong? Jealous that I’m his favorite?” Dallas muses, continuing to kiss her boyfriend despite the other grown men’s griping.

Kent and Blanks tease them to no end, but they’re really happy for Dallas because she finally has someone to treat her the way she deserves. They’re also happy to make a friend in Nick.

a/n: This part is cutesy! Enjoy!

#nick moldenhauer #nick moldenhauer x oc #nick moldenhauer x reader #nick x dallas #umich imagine #umich hockey #so it goes au

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dido-reblogs · 1 year

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Hi could you make a story where yeonjun and the girl are academic rivals and then ended up in the same shower room (you could do what you want before this happens) and they do things lol

i couldn't find a way to wrtite this without lots clichés and gender neutral reader. and sorry if it feels rushed. and the part where smut starts has no chemistry but i tried my best. but i am really disappointed in myself in general. but i shouldn't, right? it is just a fanfic it can have clichés and low chemistry from time to time. it happens.

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

warnings: slight mention of food, mentions of a handjob(yj receiving), nipple play(reader receiving), reader also receives some pleasure with yeonjun's hands but it is not detailed to keep it gender neutral so yeah, also the rivalry is kinda one sideded

looking up the results of your midterms with worry since it seems like you will not be on top of your major and that means no scholarships for you. and it is not because you are a bad student. there is a person to blame. it is because choi fucking yeonjun. as you feel your blood boiling, you just scream at the screen. choi fucking yeonjun, he doesn't even need that scholarship and just studies this major to "learn" which meant he already has a job ready in his father's company and he is just here to socialize so it is not like he needs to be valedictorian.

you hate him, you definitely hate him. you also hate your so called progressive school that only gives scholarships to selected few and only does gender neutral dorms and bathrooms to make themselves look progressive. doingjust one thing is not enough though. especially if you have struggling students who can't pay tuition.

you decide to go to cafeteria as you are starting to get hungry due to energy you lost with having a tantrum over your grades. filling your tray more than usual as you fell like you are starving.

as you are carrying your tray to closest empty table, you lose you ballence which causes you to drop your tray resulting with ruining yours and the person next to you's clothes. as you rise your head to see who it is, you see the most annoying face. "aren't you going to apologize?" he asks. "i am not going to apologize to a scholarship stealer."

you leave for showers without saying anything. you quickly get undressed. yeonjun has to ruin everything. if he didn't, your life would be actually peaceful. you think to yourself as if you aren't the one who dropped the tray.

you take your time to get clean. hoping the shower will calm you. but you suddenly flinch as you feel presence of someone else. to your surprise, it was yeonjun. you call out to him. "aren't you too fancy for communal showers?" he just roles his eyes and answers back. "for your information, i faileda class due to low attendance rate so the scholarship is yours and i am not a stealer. also i am not too fancy for anywhere. and aren't you tired of the rivalry you made it up in your mind?" you admit that he had a point. "maybe you need to relax." he suggests. "how?" your innocence amuses him.

he laughs before he says. "for such a smart girl, you sure have trouble getting the hints." you think you start to get what he means when he puts it this way. "i pleasure myself on regular basis." he laughs again. "yeah but it starts to get frustrating after awhile."

he might be right. "i can try to be assistance if you give me your concent." his boldness makes you cringe but you also find the hottest guy in campus attractive like any other person. you can continue to hate him after this. " okay. you have it. you have my consent. i say yes."

he walks towards tour cabin. his hands immediately finds your nipples and starts to play with them. as it only makes you ticklish rather than aroused, you just whine.

"be patient, it will help you feel good i promise." he says while his other hand comes dangerously close to your between your legs.

as he starts to also play with it his mouth kisses one of your nipples. he is rather slow and sensual unlike how you imagined him. yes you imagined him. soon you start to feel the pleasure. as he focuses on playing with your breasts, you slowly start to moan implying your pleasure.

his one hand piching and caressing your nipple while the other works wonders that you, yourself, could never achive.

"that's it. such a sweet voice to hear." he says when your moans get louder. you are glad that it is not the time where it usually is crowded.

"yeonjun, i am about to cum." you say and his hand fastens to help you reach it. as you shiver while orgasming he laughs in pleasure.

him about to leave, you call his name. "what about you?" you ask. "no worries, you don't have to do anything back. i just felt like helping out." but you insist which eventually makes him confess that he would love a handjob in return.

#txt smut #txt hard hours #txt hard thoughts #yeonjun hard thoughts #yeonjun hard hours #yeonjun smut

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astriiformes · 8 months

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Having one of those weeks where I'm fighting my brain and my brain is winning, and it's hard not to feel a little depressed about it.

I'm excited about my classes this semester but they're definitely going to be more work. And I'm already struggling with motivation and still don't have a lot of good solutions, so it's all too easy to despair. I'm trying to get ahead of it and made an appointment with an academic skills coach at school, but I don't know how much they can help me with when the real problem is my out-of-control ADHD. Not to mention the anxieties it leaves me with about my future.

I still have no idea what I'm going to do after I graduate and it's starting to hit me really hard. I'd like to go to grad school, but I don't know if I can do it, or if I can uproot us from our support system like that, or if it's the right choice for actual employment prospects. But thinking about giving up on it makes me miserable. And my anxiety about all this is starting to bleed into my daily life at school, too, which is only making me feel worse.

Money is not good. I'm definitely overworking myself to try to make up for it, but we are not in a good place financially and I'm starting to beat myself up every time I pay for anything, but especially stuff that's non-essential. I just about made myself cry today thinking about nabbing a ticket for the Mountain Goats concert here this spring because I have friends going and it'd make me happy but is it really worth it?* When it comes down to it, I am just not getting enough financial aid to support two people and have eaten through almost all my savings trying to make it work, which only makes me more stressed about having something better lined up when I graduate. Except I don't think I will. Which is really bad.

*Please do not offer to help me pay for it. I think Dys the OCD demon would physically attack me if someone tried to buy me something frivolous because of a tumblr vent post.

I'm also just... questioning every social interaction I have, online and off. Turning them around in my head over and over and trying to figure out if I misstepped or misspoke or made someone upset, even when there's no real reason to think I did. It's exhausting, and I know it's indicative of larger problems but it's also just making me feel like my current floundering is impacting my relationships, too.

I don't know. I've been feeling weird and sad the last few days and I can't think of any real ways to stop feeling weird and sad, especially when money is tight and I feel like I'm fumbling every social interaction, making good distractions harder to come by. I hope the semester goes okay, but I'm getting pretty worried it won't. And I'm tired of the future being something that makes me feel sad and scared instead of hopeful things will get better.

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mistyscenter · 3 months

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It's 7 am and I can't sleep so just let me *pulls out my mcs*

I'll ramble about them for a sec, this is specifically for N&F though they're more developed in B&A and please note that if I do show their B&A versions it will be by using the character creator in N&F.... because the one in b&a sucks ass but anyways

Triplets lore under the cut!!

THE MOORE TRIPLET

The Moore triplet consists of the siblings: Pandora (she/her oldest), Taliyah (they/them middle) and Theodore (he/him youngest) they're ocs from my original story so if you see consistency from their B&A counterparts that's why and the reason why I reutilize them IS because they're OCs, so this is like a funny little a AU for me.

Anyways:

Pandora "Dora" Moore - she/her - Step 1

Pandora is the Oldest of the triplets, she's a sweet little girl full of joy and enthusiasm for discovering the world, she's the only one to be happy to move and is very excited about exploring a new city next to the woods, despite the fact that she's not the biggest forest lover. She immediately befriended Qiu and Tamarack and joined the "boys" club upon Qiu's first request and slowly grew closer to Ren as a result.

Pandora is also an overarchiver, she wants to be able to do everything and successes at that everything especially considering she's an extremely gifted student who loves education and learning!! She thrives by the praise of adults and peers alike, so her friendship with Qiu is an immediate reputation booster and, because of her kind and enthusiastic nature,she quickly becomes just as popular as him.

Taliyah "Tal" Moore - she/her - step 1

Taliyah is the middle child of the triplet but the one that Opal needs to look after the most. Taliyah is a very socially anxious little kid to the point where she's incapable of speaking in front of others, later in her life little Taliyah will be diagnosed as someone with selective mutism and her momma will have to try her best friend to accommodate her poor anxious child.

Because of the nature of her worries, Taliyah is not happy about the move and hates that they once again have to re adapt all of their old rituals to a new environment. She does like the fact that it is the next to a forest because It means that little critters are there and that she won't interact with as many people as possible... except that's not the case since the first person she meets is Miss Tamarack Baumann, who Taliyah immediately falls for.

Tamarack's willingness to accommodate Taliyah is also something that further deepens those feelings and little Taliyah doesn't know what to do!!

Despite not being as academically acclimated as her older sister (who she really looks up to and really wants to be like) Taliyah does enjoy learning but most importantly she loves her roller skates,she's always has been a big fan of ice skates and roller skates perhaps in Golden Grove she will be able to finally be a professional figure skater!!

Theodore "Theo" Moore - he/him - step 1

Theodore is the last establishment of the triplet and always seems very grumpy and upset and... well usually he isn't, but this time he is because how dare mama move once again!! Just when he was starting to make friends too!! This is the worst!! Theodore doesn't like the small town nor the woods, he wants to get back to his old life in the big city, not some nowhere place in America!!

Theodore HATES that they moved, he hates Golden Grove, he hates his new school, he hates Pandora new friends, he hates that his mama is acting as if any of this is ok to do!! Especially because mama is already not around because of her job so why should they all move because of her stupid job??

While Theo is not enthusiastic about the move ,and how that will affect his relationship with his siblings, he is enthusiastic about the fact that maybe this time he'll be known more than just "Pandora's little brother" or "the quiet's kid brother" maybe ....this move will make sure that he's able to establish new friends that he can make on his own...? But then again he will have to make sure that no mean kid will bully his Sibling like it happened in the past but luckily it seems like that won't be problem?

Theo doesn't get along with the "boy's" club and especially with Ren and Baxter (in fact he hates the Baxter kid, he can put up with Ren for the sake of his sister but not the Baxter kid he hates him), he does grow a soft spot for Tamarack since she's so willing to help his Sibling and the two eventually will grow close to become best friends. He will eventually enjoy the company of Qiu and Ren but it's a long, long way to go.

Little Theo does start to enjoy Qiu's company a little bit more once he learns that Qiu is also a biker and is into dancing, Theo loves sports ("which ones?" Yes) so he is happy to be able to talk with a fellow athlete!!

As for school? He looks like a straight A student who tries his best to have such amazing grades but the truth is that he just pays attention to class and is able to remember everything afterwards.

And that's it for Step 1 of the triplets!! I'm gonna go and try to catch some sleep now djkekwke

#our life #misty talks our life #our life now & forever #our life now and forever #olnf mc #olnf #olnf oc #oc: pandora moore #oc: taliyah moore #oc: Theodore Moore #oc: thalaera irithyl #oc: pandora irithyl #oc: Taeral irithyl

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sleepingasimdead · 5 months

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To every person that has downplayed or accused me of "faking" my chronic illness;

I am not faking being ill, I am faking being okay. Every time you see me and think I am acting normal you are falling for the lie. I am constantly being betrayed by both my body and mind. I can't rest. Think about that, truly take time to digest the implications. A normal person can look forward to rest when they have had an exhausting day. Their exhaustion is a product of accomplishment, if not from progress in something then from showing restraint. I don't get that luxury. 'Exhausted' is not a state I can push myself to, it is my default. My bones are always heavy, it is always hard to concentrate, and there is no such thing as restraint when the smallest emotion can and often will cause my body to fail. I often hurt myself when cataplexy overcomes me. Mostly small things like clacking teeth, whiplash, and maybe a bumped head when my neck gives way. Often pulled limbs and flesh left tender from suddenly slamming against surfaces. Nothing long-term and no need to worry, usually more like a flickering than a total loss of control. Sometimes, more than I like to admit, I am left prone and useless. With bruised ribs, strained joints, and limbs positioned a little wrong. I know I will likely damage my body when I try to catch myself, but I do it anyway. Better that than risk not protecting my brain and face. Since as a "smart young woman", they are the only two things of value many believe I have. Either way, I am left with my cheek against the floor, eyes welling, and heart screaming. Seconds can feel like hours that way. I am constantly awaiting being foracbly rendered incapable. Whether it is being understood in conversation or left fighting just to stay upright, the question of, "is it about to happen?" occupies my mind more than any other. My functionality is drug-induced or non-existent. Every waking task feels Herculean only to be followed by the Sisyphean concept that is rest. I so rarely have anything to show for it beyond disappointment. Shame is an ever-present echo behind most aspects of my waking life. Not that my sleeping one is any better. When sleep offers no rest and you dream only in lucidity it wrends your concept of reality. My dreams are not colourless, sensationless, disjointed things. They don't always truly end when I wake either. I will wake with lingering sensations and their narratives often pick back up when next I try to sleep. I have experienced more through dreams and hallucinations at this point in my life than while waking and those experiences are most often violations. Can you be traumatized by things that aren't really happening? Why am I letting experiences I know were not real get to me? Two more questions I also find myself plagued by. But even without knowing the true depths of these things, I am a tragic burden to those around me. A walking embodiment of wasted academic and physical potential with the added addition of always having been a little odd socially. I am perpetually tired and desperate not to be tiresome. I know I am a burden so I try to minimize how much of one as best I can. I fake being in better health than I am, so I can't help but feel like your doubt is in part my fault. But I do it for your comfort, not mine, so when you dare disrespect me by implying I am a liar I can't help the resentment. Because we all know you can't handle being faced with what my illness is doing to me, as I am every day.

#chronic illness #narcolepsy #vent post

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wellspokenrambler · 6 months

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Rambler @ PAX East 2024

Hi folks! I just got back from PAX East over the weekend and, while I didn't really take part in the Expo Hall besides a couple of stalls, I did go to a decent number of panels - and thought it was worth writing up my thoughts on each of them. The only thing I love more than playing video games is hearing people talk about video games!

(I didn't take notes while I was there so this will be certainly more of a "vibes"-based assessment and why each one appealed to me personally, so apologies if you came here looking for a more objective description of each panel! I'll put links to the VOD of each panel where available)

Panels and thoughts below the read-more (it's long as heck! get ready):

Metroid: A Community Retrospective and Look Toward the Future

Having only played Metroid Prime 3: Corruption and Metroid: Dread in my time, I wouldn't call myself a hardcore fan - but they are both games I've really enjoyed, and Samus Aran's pivotal positioning as a female character in video gaming history is always fascinating to me, so I had to check this one out.

It's so surreal to see the ways that a community like this had to adapt to long "dry spells" without any official new material for their fandom, and the joy that follows when something like Dread comes along to reaffirm their love for it. I don't know that I learned anything new from this panel myself, but it was still heartening to hear the panellists' clear passion for the games, and it does make me want to dip my toes into other Metroids (at the very least, the other two Prime games!)

Unlocking the Positive Potential of Gaming for Kids and Teens

I hadn't originally planned to go to this one, but met two of the panellists (Dr. David Bickham and Sam Schamm, MA) while eating brunch by the food trucks, and hearing them briefly discuss the subject matter fascinated me enough that I decided to pop along to it.

This was a deeply insightful panel on the ways that gaming can meaningfully help young people and foster their learning, agency, critical thinking, and other useful life skills - as well as thoughts on how to help them through the risks associated with gaming such as toxic multiplayer communities or, for want of a better word, the addictive potential of gaming. Having previously worked in a job which involved helping teenagers make informed decisions about their futures myself, it meant a lot to me to see serious academic thought being given to the subject given how prevalent gaming is as part of a child's social life these days. Excellent panel!

Mental Health and Gaming - Creating a Safe Space for Yourself and Others

While a difficult topic, I am nevertheless glad that I went to this panel as it covered the way that streamers and other "community figures" can navigate the creation of a safe space in the form of their community while also maintaining effective boundaries within that space. Of particular interest to me was reframing some of the language that often gets used in this context e.g. "trauma-dumping" and unpacking our own biases when dealing with uncomfortable situations.

If I had any minor criticisms of the panel, it would be that some of the suggestions occasionally felt like they veered a little too far into the side of... I guess trying to fix the lives of strangers? Now, in the interests of fairness I shall state my own biases that lead to this feeling, because it is not that I do not care about what happens to people: it is precisely because I've had to manage my own proclivity towards hyper-empathy in the past that I tend to take a step back from my emotions on that regard these days. Caring is good, but caring to the point of self-destruction helps no-one, and that to me feeds into what the panel was saying about boundary maintenance.

My own community is a small handful of regulars and a couple of hundred followers so this has not been something I need to worry about yet, but the panel has hopefully given me some tools with which to manage those situations if they ever arise, and for that I am thankful.

How Our Favorite Characters Have Real World Impacts on Us: A Look into Fictional Characters and ParaSocial Relationships

FASCINATING panel. I originally went to this because of my memories of being in the Gorillaz fandom and the weird and wonderful (and sometimes ugly) ways people interacted with the idea of the fictional band members in that space... But the conversation proved to cover a broad spectrum both of what constitutes a parasocial relationship AND what constitutes a fictional character; the panellists made the case that the personas of content creators and streamers themselves counted as fictional characters, and I think they are absolutely bang-on with that.

From my end as a Z-list Player of Games Online, even I am presenting a more polished version of myself there than I would have in the rest of my life - it's not "not me", but it's certainly not all of me, and that is enough to make "Well-Spoken Rambler" a somewhat distinct entity from the person who portrays them.

The inclusion of internet personalities into their definition ALSO meant, however, that at the Q&A I got to name-drop one of my favourite journal articles that I've read this year: The one-and-a-half sided parasocial relationship: The curious case of live streaming. This article holds deeply interesting connotations to me because of what it implies about the "half" of the one-and-a-half... which is that of course, behind the fiction of a "creator" is the person who creates, and that person is just as capable of developing fictionalised ideas of the people in their community (though with a more removed and likely self-aware perspective on it). The panellists had heard of the article and mentioned it was on their to-read list, but agreed it tied in well with the themes of the panel!

(... And yet the reason I was able to re-find the article so quickly is because I had linked it to a creator in a Patreon Direct Message a couple months ago because I thought it would be interesting to them... The irony is not lost on me. More on that later.)

Debate Club with Mari and PeeGTV

This was just a fun old time! I wasn't familiar with Mari or PG before watching this panel, but they have such a fun rapport here that I want to try and watch them more regularly now that I know of them. Jenna Stoeber acted as a firm but fair adjudicator of the panel - and I am definitely not just saying that because she is a recent convert to the Rambler channel and was pleasant and kind when we bumped into each other on the expo floor. She did a great job letting both sides of the debate (Millennial horror vs Gen Z horror) shine. If you listen closely around the 34 minute mark, you may hear a familiar little British voice raise a point about how you can't judge a horror by its synopsis!

Thinking Differently Together: Neurodivergence & Gaming

Folks... I am so so glad that there is a much greater emphasis on self-advocacy these days than there used to be. Look! Look at all those ND creators talking about their experiences and being listened to!! Look how it has a VOD so I can just link it and you can all see it too!!! Conversations like this one in a major event like PAX are a hopeful sign to me that progress is being fought for and won.

Only minor critiques for this one are:

could have used some discussion about more than just the usual ADHD/autism bracket that is discussed when it comes to neurodiversity (but then I think that about most ND discussions)

would personally have liked some chat about accessibility concerns while creating/streaming and neurodivergent (e.g. personally had to tweak my lighting because it was overstimulating me while I streamed)

Otherwise great panel!

Bridging the Gender Gap (13+)

Another great panel for encouraging diversity in the games industry - I appreciated the intersectionality of this one as well as the honest discussions about the ways in which things still need to be made *considerably* better throughout all corners of gaming. The panel also discusses actionable steps which could be taken to improve on these issues.

Surprised at myself for not having much to say about this one! I just think the panellists did a really good and succinct job at talking about the subject.

A Hunter's Dream: Bloodborne and Transness

I enjoyed this panel a whole lot - Having watched a playthrough of Bloodborne last year, hearing two trans women discussing the different trans allegories and interpretation of the characters and themes and lore of the game felt absolutely correct, even if it wasn't "canon".

If one was being pedantic one could call this the least polished of the panels I went to, but I honestly don't think that matters tremendously because both panellists were so utterly sincere about what they were covering that it carried the panel. You could easily tell just how much the subject matter meant to the two and it in turn meant a lot to me that they were willing to share it with a bunch of strangers as we were.

And then...

Um, Actually: The Panel

Hoooooo boy.

So remember earlier when I mentioned the irony of using Patreon DMs to grab an article about nonstandard parasocial interactions?

[ID: a meme image of Morpheus from the Matrix saying "What if I told you the guy I sent that article to is at a PAX East panel"]

So of course the panel for the Dropout show Um, Actually was being hosted by its two new presenters, Ify Nwadiwe and Brian David Gilbert:

Ify had been a wonderful host so far, and I really enjoy his work in general (especially his stint recently on Very Important People), so I was looking forward to meeting him.

...And then there's Brian, who has been streaming on Twitch for just under the past four years and who in that time has been subject to hundreds of my fun facts, insightful commentaries, and helpful actions (which he very much appreciated). That, alongside regularly taking part in Patreon livestreams, has led to a strange situation where I would not consider us friends, but we... don't not know each other? but we also don't know each other? Which is why the "one-and-a-half-sided" description in that article and the panel about parasocialness appealed to me (and why I sent the article to him too).

So of course when this panel got announced I wasn't gonna miss it. I really enjoyed what I've seen of Ify's hosting and Brian's fact-finding so far, and I wasn't gonna miss the chance to see the two chat about it - nor to potentially meet the guy who helped me raise £500 for ASAN last year.

But, turns out I wasn't the only one enthused by the panel, because it was Absolutely Rammed, like, an hour and a half before the panel started. I got lucky in that I managed to end up somewhere in the middle of the pack and got into the panel at all, but good grief did it remind me how I don't do well in crowds (even well-managed crowds, thank you PAX Enforcers xx).

It caused me to reflect a lot on the perceived casualness with which I interacted with Brian on Twitch versus the material reality of the level of interest from a LOT of people which he manages. It's the kind of thing which makes me wish to never become famous, because I don't know that I'd have it in me to manage that level of attention from everyone - even the very occasional instance of people recognising me online FROM Brian's streams and acting like it's a big deal always throws me off a bit (this has happened to me several times, I'm not even kidding!)

But then of course the Enforcers got us all in neatly and sweetly, and the panel was a delight! It was fun to hear Ify and Brian (and Jenna!!) talk about working on the show and the kinds of things they enjoyed putting in and what to expect next - such as another new season after the current one, as it deserves.

There was also a live session of Um, Actually questions which was at the time enjoyable, but since then numerous allegations of cheating and defamation have come to light against one of the participants, Gabe Hicks, and it is disheartening that something as grievous as this could have been going on that very weekend. I hope that justice and reparations can be made for the people affected by this, and I am going to move on out of courtesy to those involved.

After the panel, a meet-and-greet line formed for both Ify and Brian outside of the theatre and I was able to join it - it also felt important to me that I follow the proper procedures and not assume any privileges, since I know full well how that kind of thing can read and wanted to put my best foot forward, so to speak.

The play-by-play of our eventual meeting is as follows:

I greeted Ify first on purpose to let him know that he was doing a great job as the new Um, Actually host and I liked him in VIP

I then went to greet Brian, but at that point he had very blatantly already cottoned onto who I was and seemed very enthusiastic that I was there. I didn't feel any sense of star-struckedness, it was more like that sense of when you talk to someone online and then meet them in person - surreal, but not stressful.

Jenna took that moment to gently interrupt so she could rendezvous with the two men before the line ended - seemingly because of our vague familiarity and prior assumption of goodwill on our parts

I made sure to pass along some greetings from a few Discord servers formed around Brian's Twitch streams I was in, which Brian appreciated, and gave him a small gift which I brought with me - a small bottle of vivid iridescent nail polish (Ciaté London's "Forbidden Fruit", sadly out of production now), since nail painting and structural colour is somewhat of a shared interest of ours

Brian made sure to specifically compliment me on my shirt, to which I admitted the reason I wore it was because I knew Brian was the only person there who would appreciate it fully: it was from a game of Tee KO we played on Patreon at the end of 2022, which Brian won using a VERY existential t-shirt illustrated by myself:

(sidenote, after repeated success with these silly skeletons in subsequent games of Tee KO, I am very close to just selling my own legally-distinct skeleton shirt if I ever have a merch page)

Finally, I asked if we three could cap off the meeting with a video'd selfie, to which they graciously obliged me:

youtube

Having filmed what can only be described as a Cannes-worthy masterpiece, I said my goodbyes to them and made my way to the next panel...

The PAX Panel Show

...Which was just in the same theatre as the last panel, and with Jenna hosting and Brian on the panel. What a glorious event! I am so sad this one didn't get recorded - a truly deranged set of questions, including Portmantoad (guessing which video games have had their names spliced together based on the description of the resulting fusion), Ornstein and Sullivan (guessing whether a named character was from a Fromsoft game or from an opera), and a whole bunch of real-world questions about farming?? Joke's on all these city-slicker panellists, I grew up on a smallholding! So I was... actually no better at those farm questions than them. I can't tell you about industrial farming practices, but I can tell you how to hold a chicken! (gently, like a big hamburger).

After the panel, I approached Jenna one last time at the con and suggested that, given the inherent strangeness of our interactions (wherein we have become Twitch mutuals but still at best distant acquaintances) it would be funny if we took a selfie but made out like she was "the fan". She saw the funny side of it:

[ID: a tweet by Well-Spoken Rambler @wellspokentweet reading "Always a pleasure to meet a fan, @the_jenna", below which is a selfie featuring Well-Spoken Rambler and Jenna Stoeber. A reply from Jenna beneath this reads "HONORED TO MEET YOU, BIG FAN <3" in all-caps.]

Play What You Don't Know with DesiQuest

This was my last panel of PAX, and a bit of a last-minute wildcard! After relaying the above events to my good friend Hamish, he told me that his friend Omar would be doing a panel the following day, and that I should go and see it. And I am very glad I did!

It was really heartening to learn that a podcast like DesiQuest exists - a D&D actual play featuring an all-South-Asian cast and touching on the disparate cultures and themes that connect with them and their audience. As someone who is of Sri Lankan descent but without the cultural upbringing, it's something that appeals to me personally as another way to try and reconnect with that heritage. Definitely catching up on this one over the week!

I also got to say hi to Omar from Hamish, and it was a nice bonding moment cut short by my having to BOOK IT to a water taxi and conclude my time in Boston for good.

...

Phew!

Well, thanks for reading all of that if you did! It was a weekend that was at once fun, interesting, and thought-provoking. I still don't consider myself someone who seeks out big events, but being much more free and able to take part in those kinds of things now is super refreshing and I hope at some point (though not in the immediate future, boy was that expensive) I will be able to go again! Or at least do other events like that. Possibly something a bit quieter, but conventions don't usually run in flavours of "quiet", haha. Perhaps next time I'll bring business cards to recklessly self-promote better with.

See you around!

-Rambler

#pax east 2024

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simpforsix · 1 year

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watching community for the first time and every time abed is on screen i am filled with so much joy.

as an autistic person i so rarely see myself represented on screen. i knew about the background of abed’s character before, how he was written by dan harmon who found out he was autistic because of writing his character. but i didn’t expect to feel so seen.

usually i have to seek out autistic rep, like when i watched heartbreak high after seeing clips and analysis of their autistic character quinni (who was also amazing rep and made me feel seen). i have to seek it out so i know what to avoid, like the good doctor or pretty much any autistic character popular amongst allistics who think autism speaks is a good organization. so many characters i’ve seen lauded as good autistic rep have been hurtful, stereotypical, or just don’t represent my experiences, even if they are good representation. in a sitcom, especially from the era of community, i don’t expect to see good representation. i expect to see characters like sheldon cooper, who are autistic-coded in a way meant to mock autistic people and reinforce stereotypes, and who feel foreign to me.

but abed? holy shit, i was not expecting to almost cry about him when i first saw him. he is so clearly and unapologetically autistic in a way i wish i could be. he’s blunt, he doesn’t always get jokes, he’s awkward, and he’s so much like me. the way he observes others and picks up their mannerisms in ways allistics can’t comprehend is so relatable. the way he runs through different scenarios to learn how to act and react is exactly what i do before pretty much any social interaction. and the way he relates everything back to his special interests? i’ve never seen that side of autism represented on screen. i do that so much, and for so long i thought i was just rude or weird, when in fact i was just autistic and that’s how i relate to and understand the world. abed sees the world through his autism. it impacts every aspect of his character.

(also his special interest in inspector spacetime is literally me with my special interest in doctor who)

he’s also not the typical savant we see in media! i’m so tired of those depictions, since they make me feel like a failure. i failed most of my classes because of i’m autistic. i can’t handle all the homework or exams, and i can’t analyse things in a neurotypical way which often means allistics give me lower marks. but even though i’m not academically gifted, i’m still smart, and some of that is because i’m autistic. i’m really good at logical analysis, at music, and i know so much about my special interests. and it’s the same thing with abed! he’s not some academic genius who was a child prodigy and aces every class. but, like me and the other autistic people i know, he’s smart in other ways. he’s good at analysing people, at filmmaking, and is also super knowledgeable about his special interests. his value goes beyond his intelligence, unlike so many savant caricatures who are only used as human supercomputers.

i also love the way he interacts with the other characters. they’re all weird in their own way, and abed doesn’t stick out. sure, he’s awkward and sometimes says the wrong thing, but he’s not devalued for that. i don’t like how he’s sometimes mocked for autistic traits, but luckily it’s few and far between and not triggering like other media has been for me. the other characters also stand up for him, like jeff getting into a fight during the christmas ep in season one, instead of laughing along. he’s also not treated like some poor child in need of saving by the allistics. autistic people are so frequently infantilized, and most media only encourages that. they also directly challenge that notion in the show, with the other characters worrying about abed’s sex life only for it to be revealed that abed fucks.

his friendship (or romance) with troy is especially great. as an autistic person, i’m so tired of being expected to change so that people like me. because people do like me, autistic traits and all. a real friend, like troy, will listen to your infodumps. they’ll engage with your interests, and they’ll support you even when you have less socially acceptable traits, like a fear of change. they get to be super nerdy and weird and they don’t judge each other, because they’re being nerdy and weird together. like abed, i found it really hard to make friends, and i still only have a small group of friends, but i prefer it that way. the group wouldn’t be the same in his absence, because he brings value as a character.

i appreciate abed’s awkwardness, the way he doesn’t dampen his autistic traits for the comfort of others. he doesn’t have some “character growth” arc where he learns to be more allistic. his autism isn’t a character flaw, it’s just another aspect of who he is.

i also think it’s important to note that abed being arabic and muslim breaks stereotypes about autistic people. it is only recently that our wider society has begun discussing the lack of diversity in autism representation and it’s impacts. most autistic characters are cishet white men. this is based in the notion that the majority of autistic people are cishet white men, which comes from the history of only testing on cishet white boys and creating the diagnostic tools based on them. autism can present differently outside of that group, and it also creates bias in diagnosis. even though abed is still a cis man, being a poc breaks down the stereotype of white men being the only ones with autism. he also offers representation to a wider group of people, even now. while i’ve seen a bit more rep for autistic white women, the rep for autistic poc (especially woc) remains fairly nonexistent.

on the topic of canon, i personally think abed is canonically autistic. it’s referenced a couple of times in the show, though it isn’t directly confirmed or denied. but considering dan harmon’s story, i think it’s clear that the autistic-coding is intentional. a character doesn’t have to outright say the words “i am autistic” for it to be canon. he has so many autistic traits that it is undeniable, and with dan harmon writing him i think it’s safe to say that he’s canonically autistic. keep in mind that this is my personal opinion and that other autistic people may have other opinions, all of which are valid. the debate of canon is complicated and everyone has different definitions.

i wish there were more characters like abed. characters who are impacted by being autistic yet exist beyond that. characters who speak to an autistic audience, who are written by autistic people. autistic characters who are diverse, who are likeable, who are smart, who are capable.

seeing abed made me so emotional. i want more autistic characters who make me feel seen. i want more autistic characters who make me feel human.

#abed nadir #community #community nbc #dan harmon #autistic abed #actually autistic

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mrhaitch · 2 months

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Hihi! This is my first ever ask for you, and I’m quite nervous actually, (I was when I was sending one to Haitch too, I kinda look up to both of you in more ways than one and both of your writing makes my brain tingle✨)

So, my question is more along the lines of seeking your opinion as I feel, you might be the best person who can answer this. (Haitch is welcome to answer it too…I will def appreciate it)

So, being a straight-A student all my life, I made the people around me surprised and kinda miffed when I announced that I wanted a degree in English literature, when any college possible was readily accepting me for any degree in science (which the people around me were subtly nudging me towards. I mean I’m an Asian..it’s a given that they expected me to inevitably go for the most obvious choice)

After six years of grueling and being told over and over that my career has no fruitful future in my country, and an undergrad degree later, I am just a year away from completing and getting a masters degree in English literature. And the self doubt is finally setting in. There are moments where I feel like is it even worth it? Because my end goal is to become a professor.

And I know that it’s gonna be a mediocre pay—which is not the source of my worries, honestly I love literature too much to care—the thing that worries me is, the amount of time it’s gonna take to reach the said end goal.

See, in my country, you gotta clear a national level competitive exam to get a chance to even be an assistant professor in any university. The pass rate is low so to speak. And then I gotta start my PhD. So the thing that scares me is, what If after so much toiling and feeling like I’ve been doing nothing but study, for the entirety of my life, what if I end up actually hating the thing I love?

I just can’t help but feel a bit lost, and I’m scared about losing face in front of the people I stood up against. So as a person who has been a professor—of English literature no less— I need you to lay it straight to me.

Is it worth it? Should I keep going? Because to be honest, keeping my worries aside, I have been eagerly looking forward to that little me I envisioned doing something I love.

Because all this endless studying (I’ve also been trying to learn French since the last 4 years) is giving me a little burnout.

Okay. First things first, take a deep breath as it sounds like you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure so take a moment.

Academia is highly demanding, competitive, undervalued, and underpaid as career paths go. Much of the work you'll do (research, applying for grants, etc) will be unpaid and you'll do it for the love of it, and because it's the only way to secure and keep your job. I'm still very early in my career - I taught for two years and still haven't secured a permanent post as my publishing record still isn't to the required standard. It's likely that I'll be spending the next two to five years undertaking unpaid research, pursuing publications, and attending conferences in my own time and with my own money - all with the hope it'll get me a permanent position.

It still might not.

Even if I do succeed what awaits me is an ever dwindling pension rate, the promise of grotesque levels of overwork and an ever diversifying workload where academics are being required to take on more and more administrative tasks, ON TOP of their research, teaching, and pastoral responsibilities.

And no one will thank me - in the UK academics are heavily criticised by the press and the public at large.

But I'll still do it, I'll still chase it.

The main question is why? (Or as I had to say in terrible workshops I was forced to run in my previous job: 'what's your why?')

Academia is like healthcare, or policing, or social work, or any traditional vocational role: you tend to already know if it's what you want, and what you're going to push yourself beyond all reason to get to. You know it's hard, and unpleasant, and thankless, but part of you doesn't care - you'll likely do it anyway.

Burn out is a risk, as it is with any demanding career paths. You'll likely have many moments where you'll want to quit, or take up sewing, or anything at all that isn't what you're currently doing. There'll also be moments where it all feels worth it - looking out across a classroom and seeing a student fully understand what you're saying, that they get it; or having colleagues read your work and engage with it like it's a valuable contribution; or speaking in front of an engaged audience who value and appreciate what you're doing.

I have no definitive answers for you. I don't know your situation, I don't know your country or what the academic culture is there - I can only speak from my own experiences and from what I know.

What I can say is this: if this is what you want, truly and deeply, then go in with both eyes open. Never forget the challenges or the problems, never let yourself be lulled into a fantasy: know what you're doing and your reasons for doing it. Do it because you love it, because you'll need that love. Do it because you have something to say, something to put out into the world because that will be the thing that keeps you going when it's hard.

If this is what you want, be prepared to fail and fail often. Be prepared to be frustrated, and for people to suggest you quit and try something else (they mean well, mostly).

But also be prepared to be utterly smitten with and moved by your work, by your students, by that feeling of contributing to the ever deepening well of human knowledge. It's beautiful, it's bad, but it's beautiful.

#mr.haitch #mrhaitch #mr haitch #mrhaitch answers you too

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somewherecolder · 3 months

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My fear grows with me.

As a kid I was so scared to be a disappointment so I try to grow up not being one. Only then I realized, how I am so focused on being alive, but forgot to live as I am. Now I am stuck...lost.

I got too many fear but turns out it all adds up to one thing— the future. "What college would you attend to?" — I barely even passed my senior high school. The once an academic achiever now didn't even care and just had to pass. I ends up going to the basic, the one that just happened to be able to get me. "We'll be second year soon, I heard our professors would be a hard one" — I don't even want to worry anymore, I'll just passed the grade needed. "What are your plans after graduating?" — I seriously don't know. "What would happen to you if we're not here anymore" — nothing, I'll be gone too.

Of all questions about the future I am certain of the answer to one thing. If I lose any of them early, I'll be going too. Or maybe I'd better gone first.

I am not sad, but I'm not happy either.

I am 4 years clean...maybe 2? I don't think if it counts. Being stuck in a situation where you felt nothing, I watched sad movies to cry, comedy to laugh, and romance to feel loved but as soon the movie ends, the emotions vanished and I'm empty again. Then there are times that things will be too overwhelming, the hardest part is you will never understand the reason why you're suddenly crying. It just suddenly feel heavy and you burst out crying.

I'm isolating myself because telling people "my mental health is not okay and I don't feel like living anymore" felt so wrong. So I'm just gonna isolate myself until I'm better. I'm not friendless, I have plenty of them and a fair social life. It just that, when I'm alone, I tend to think that I don't need anyone but also no one would actually need me. I don't want them to be burden by something unnecessary such as my broken moods.

Dying is peaceful, alone but not lonely.

I remember seeing a post, where turns out dying just felt like sleeping. If it does, am I even still alive?

#what's on my mind #life #epistolary #anthology #art by me #was i too soft or was the world too hard?#what do i do #chase atlantic #Spotify

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batstorm93672 · 2 years

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What about a story where Damian gets sent to bording school because Bruce can't handle him anymore and sends him without telling anyone. When everyone wonders where Damian is Bruce tells them that he sent Damian to boarding school that's not even in America. No one knew what to do and they couldn't take him out so it went on for years and Damian CD ame back a completely different person and everyone even Bruce was sad that they missed so much of Damian's life and Damianw mad that he got sent away and didn't get to be normal.

Wow okay dude, this is a curveball. I make angst to hurt Damian based on what I know, this is a complete turnaround you're going for the throat. I like that let's get started.

"This will be good for you Damian"

"Yeah sending your blood son to a boarding school in a different continent is exactly what I need"

Bruce sighed and rubbed his temple "It's only for four years, I'll see you until then, hopefully they'll help you" Damian scowled and got in the car, crossing his arms and holding the bag full of clothes and other essential items (maybe a dagger or two)

A week through and Dick, Jason, Tim, Stephanie, Cass and Duke dropped by for an unprompted dinner and movie night.

"Hey B, where's Damian? I thought he'd be excited to see us, it's been a week"

Three minutes of silence, Tim looked at Bruce, he was... avoiding something about Damian. Narrowing his eyes slightly he stared at Bruce.

"Where is Damian? What are you hiding?"

They all looked up at Bruce with suspicious glances. Dick looked worried "He isn't hurt it he?! Why didn't you contact any of us?" "He isn't hurt Dick. I sent him to boarding school"

Everyone stopped eating, Bruce looked sheepishly away.

"YOU DID WHAT?!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"HOW COULD YOU?!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"BRUCE HE'S A KID WHAT THE ABSOLUTE SHIT!"

"He was out of line too many times"

Everyone sunk in their seats when the seething rage came off of Dick. "So you sent him, by himself, a child, a raised assassin, someone who has trouble with communication and in general social practices to a boarding school. Where?" "Europe" "YOU SENT HIM TO ANOTHER GOD DAMN CONTINENT BRUCE?! I KNEW YOU WEREN'T THE BEST DAD TO ME AT TIMES BUT YOU SERIOUSLY STOOPED THIS LOW?!" Dick slammed his hands on the table as he stood up "We're leaving. We have to get him back home"

The flight was swift yet the tension could not be more thick as Bruce was the culprit of it all.

"Excuse me, I'm Bruce Wayne. I sent my son here a week ago. I'd like to withdraw him from the program"

"I'm sorry sir, all applications include that the child has to stay throught the entire four years or else it will be a mark on any academic records if he were to drop out"

"Okay, thank you for your time"

Bruce walked back to the others who were sitting in the room over.

"What did she say?"

"He can't come back... he has to stay the full four years"

Jason perked up and slowly turned his head to Bruce "Four... years? You sent him to this thing for four damn years?! Is there any days where he can come back?" "No, travel won't work for students on holidays" "You... no. No I'm leaving"

Everyone waited at the airport, things were tense around Bruce and anything mentioning Damian. Finally after four years he was coming back.

Damian looked so much older and a bit taller, his hair was still the same but a bit longer. He was wearing a uniform close to his old school uniform.

"Damian!"

He looked over to them and blinked once then began walking over. Dick enveloped the fourteen year old in a tight embrace. "We missed you so much!" "Thanks, please unhand me Richard. I'd like to go home"

"Yeah let's go"

Damian wasn't exactly the same, he was more open to conversation on many topics which is a welcome sight, but whenever anyone mentioned on how they tried to get him back a week in or how upset they were when they heard Bruce did that he would get snappy and walk away. Titus was a guard dog for him, the poor canine didn't have his owner for four years, he was overprotective on Damian.

At the dinner table Bruce spoke to Damian after two days of finally settling in.

"Damian I-"

"Tt. Only took you two days to talk to me, did you make sure to prepare your speech throught those four years?"

A quiet mumbled "Oh shit" came from Duke as Bruce sighed "I deserved that. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I wasn't fair to you. I didn't try hard enough to connect with you and I regret it"

"I don't care. You were hoping they fixed me and I was alone with no family for four years. Why should I care for your pathetic apology?" "Damian-" "Don't try to save yourself and keep your pride here. I don't give a shit about any of that. I thought that maybe you would take me back before I even got to the airport that first day. Yet you didn't show, next I hear that it took you a week to tell anyone that I was sent to another continent? Not even to mention you took one of the few things that I enjoyed and felt a part of, being Robin"

"I get your angry-"

"NO! DON'T YOU DARE PULL THAT HERO BULLSHIT ON ME! I SPENT FOUR YEARS WITHOUT MY FAMILY AND YOU EXPECT ME TO BE HAPPY? I WAS ALONE BRUCE! YOU LEFT YOUR OWN SON FAR AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T HANDLE ME?! YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE SENT ME BACK TO MOTHER! INSTEAD I SPENT FOUR YEARS ALONE AND BARELY KNOWING ANYONE! NO ONE LIKED ME, CAUSE A ARAB BOY JUST DROPS IN AND ENDS UP GETTING TOP SCORES ENDING UP WITH ME BEING BULLIED FOR FOUR FUCKING YEARS! And you didn't even care... so why the hell should I care for your stupid apology that you use only because you were caught and called out by the others. I don't care what you have to say. I thought I could be normal with this family, even though I was a brat I thought I could still be appreciated for who I was. Yet you didn't like it, you never loved who I was and you sent me away to "get help" when all I wanted was a family who understood me. Who... even though I was difficult would still care as I did for them. But you don't care. I'm done. Richard, can I crash at your place?"

"Um... yeah, you can"

Damian nodded and glared at Bruce "Don't try to save yourself now, I don't want to see you again. Come on Titus. Pennyworth may you look after the others?"

"I shall Master Damian"

"At least someone in this Manor cares enough..."

Damian walked out and slammed the door, everyone else followed and didn't say a word.

#damian wayne #bruce wayne #dick grayson #tim drake #jason todd #stephanie brown #cassandra cain #duke thomas #alfred pennyworth #tw bullying mention #this was fun to write #ask fic #anon #this is noncanon to my other fics that sometimes connect

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