#not really because of anything ive been dealing w for the past 5 years so thats an improvement 🤲🤲😌😌

[034463]

Maxiel fanfic rec

yes thats right you heard me a maxiel fanfic reclist because apparently im crazy and ive been reading so much maxiel tht i can make a reclist now. its all so very catered to my taste soooo have fun

1. With The Sun In Our Eyes by screwstyles | T, 36k

“A fake dating AU set in 2025: It’s bad enough that Max is outed by an ex in the middle of racing season, and then his team suggests he pretend to date Daniel to soften the blow. It’s as bad an idea as it sounds.”

a maxiel classic, theres just something about fake/pretend relation ship that just gets me. also a lot of miscommunication so heads up for that”

2. you pick me up and take me home again by wintrs | M, 28k

“It feels like a dream, seeing Daniel again after all these years. It's a second chance Max knows he doesn't deserve, and he isn't going to waste it.Or: Max isn't racing in 2027, although he couldn't tell you exactly why. But it isn't a big deal. He's fine.”

max deals with his feelings and also his past trauma. very very angsty.

3. Little Drops of Anguish by semperama | E, 45k

“After a crash in Baku 2021 leaves Max unable to race, he's left trying to figure out what to do with his life—and with Daniel, who doesn't seem to want to let him go.”

also like fic no 2 max cant race and must face the fact tht theres a life beyond racing and daniel showing him that.

4. well we can settle down by tiredtiredsharl | M, 24k

“Sometimes Daniel watches the tapes back and he thinks: shouldn’t I be jealous of this kid? Or: Max drives the way we all aspire. Or: Christ, I’m in the presence of someone who will go down in FIA history.He never says any of that. Because after he watches Max stumble through an interview with a journalist who quotes Toto, he realizes that the pressure is the last thing Max needs.Max is one bad race away from combusting. Or going into the wall again. And Daniel can’t handle either of those options. For reasons he can’t examine right now. Or ever.”

dont remember much of the plot except that i found myself finishing the ff at 6 am in the morning and the light were coming through my window. amazing shit

5. The Dog's Home by dm3rv | M 33k

“Max Verstappen liked dogs. Max Verstappen loved cats. The jury was still out on people.Max has spent years climbing the ranks at an Animal Welfare Charity, moving from volunteer to intern to Animal Care Manager. The dogs and cats he cares for are his life - if only he didn't have to spend so much of his time putting up with 'VIPs'; entitled celebrities and donors with image-based agendas. Daniel is going through an image and identity crisis after an uninspiring season with McLaren. Keen for an image overhaul, he gives his time to a local animal shelter. What he doesn't expect is the prickly Animal Care Manager who has been assigned to look after him. Animal Shelter AU.”

THE BEST! max vet au youre crazy and dog boy daniel scared of dogs? good content also dont forget to check out the side galex. also good shit.

6. The Drive Of Your Life by  littleprism | ?, 70k

“Daniel is a semi-known actor. Max just got his second WDC a few months ago. There was absolutely no reason for them to meet.

Until a fateful crash in testing changed that.”

b list actor danny and racer maxy playing in a movie together. theres some plot holes but if you dont really think about it its soo good. 

7. anything to get to the rush by kingsguarding | E, 18k

“It’s so stupid, that’s the thing.Every year, the World Champion gets to choose another driver to … celebrate with. It’s an old tradition, apparently. As old as the sport itself. Part of the prize of winning, part of your reward.Max has never understood it.”

the ff that made me realize im soo deep in maxiel lore that i will sink w this ship. basically two emotionally stunted boys doing emotionally stunted boys thing

8. MV33 by Whippasnappa | E, 14k

“Daniel finds out Max is on Grindr. He's curious. He's just going to download the app, just to see. Just to look at Max's profile. He's curious how Max picks up men, curious if Max puts his real face out there. He's definitely not going to message Max. He's definitely not going to do that. He messages Max.”

yeah.....

9. Happier than Ever (so why are you crying with blue-sky eyes) by Whippasnappa | E, 30k

“From the first time they met at RedBull, Max knew he never wanted to be without Daniel. A look through their relationship as Max tries (and fails) to keep his feelings for Daniel hidden, as Daniel leaves for Renault, then McLaren, as Max tries to hold himself together.”

it hurts but it hurts so good. retelling of their whole history

will be updated as i read more ff

[tvmblrsillyman]

.

[forme-withme]

ive seen a few others post their thoughts on the black so i figured I’d do the same! serious spoilers under the read more!

I’ll start with the designs:

I’ll admit the transition to cgi was something that I was really dreading while watching the trailers, but once I got into the show it really faded into the background on the humans and looked really cool with the kaiju. 

As for the designs themselves, the people were largely Basic Anime Protagonists and there’s not much to talk about there, but the kaiju! oh, the kaiju. Copperhead’s colors and the detailing with black made it really stand out. And then there’s the dogs! puppies! super super fun n funky and felt very much an organic transition from the giant kaiju and seems to be a subtle nod to the ideas posed at the end (which i will get into later) and then that leaves Apex and Boy’s designs! Apex is a pretty straight forward Jaeger design that has only slightly been Kaijufied but I think the front acting as literal eyes was cool as well as the way they animated the attempted driftings. Boy was really interesting because they were so sure to make him Different and his color schemes as well as the size-difference was a really interesting way to do that. Having the literal dark vs light fight at the end was fun and appropriately on the nose for a pacific rim spinoff. 

And now for the plot and characters:

The plot, while fun and with no huge errors or egregious mishandlings of the franchise, was mostly predictable and typical of anything in this vein. There were genuinely quite a few scenes that had me either feeling for the characters or genuinely shocked (joel :( u deserved better. also that was cheap shock-value but at least it made sense within the story and what shane is capable of) 

My first real issue (besides the main conceit of abandoning australia and why the kaiju don’t go towards  comes almost immediately with the pacing. Why would we care about all of these people in this encampment when we have spent all of 5 minutes with them. Their voice actors aren’t even in the credits because they have so few lines. We are told they were friends but never really shown it. After they leave, the pacing gets truly terrible. The boy is introduced and clearly breaks out on his own, which no one notices. For some reason. And eats a butterfly which good for him but I’m not really sure why they did that if they wanted any kind of reveal that he was part Kaiju. Then they’re taken to the camp and the show spend just as long on a deal for some eggs as they did in that first place (not to mention hayley immediately accidentally causes more deaths which is. an interesting thing to keep up) and we stay at this camp for entirely too long,(seriously? 3 out of 7 episodes?) considering shane and mei’s interactions show clearly there is something More and something Wrong between them. It was extremely easy to note for note see what would happen in the fight after they leave: ooh shocker the boy is fine. i did think it was a good enough way to portray that to the characters, though, since they had their back turned every time he ate something a human shouldn’t or slapped it out of his hand or fully refused to interpret the things he was staring wistfully at even though they found him in a literal tube of the stuff we see them preserving kaiju parts (including Alice) in the movies. After leaving the camp, because they spent so long there they have to race to the finish line. They establish ghost drift side effects (which. was ghost drifting a canon word before this or did they take the word we used to explain side effects and use it for literal ghosts. also what year is this set it please i dont understand-) and also bring in Loa malfunctioning (not review but. im thinking shes a little more advanced than she’s supposed to be when taking into account her snide remarks and “unintentional sarcasm” as joel puts it. like once agian: would be highly predictable given everything but shes simply the funniest one around) and then after this they meet back up w mei and she has one of the better cut scenes with her in the restaurant remembering trauma cut with the dance scene which while out of place was v cute and honestly yeah. sometimes you remember a trauma and go ok tabling that. and then get up and dance w ur friends and then the Reveals happen (which. why would they know for sure that it’s the precursors and not the ppdc’s work still? Taylor seemed pretty confident that it wasn’t their military even though it was in their labs and the whole initial idea behind the jaegers was to ‘make monsters of our own’) and the fight happens and then it’s over! And also the sisters that are mentioned Once are there talking abt the Kaiju Messiah which while an interesting tie in to the kaiju cult from the movies was. a rlly weird and laughable line to end the season on. 

i just realized I was very negative there but overall I thought it was a fun show despite the pacing issues. I think the things they chose to revamp or callback to were interesting and good choices and it’s clear that we’re going to be getting a lot of the answers to questions in the next season (besides probably why they left australia in the first place but I digress) I thought the acting was well done and the character relationships were fairly strong for what is a 7 episode show: the siblings clearly cared about each other, didn’t do anything outrageously out of character to further the plot, mei (and joel while he was there) felt an organic addition to the group, and the villain felt like enough of a threat to keep things moving even when kaiju weren’t around. 

Ultimately I think I feel about the show the same way I do about uprising: It’s fun. There’s a lot you have to ignore to see it that way, but it brings up some interesting ideas and has a lot to offer if you can get past the issues.

[boywivlove]

| Lutz | 01 

Chapters | 02

Pairing: Past Hoseok x Reader | Eventual Jimin x Reader

Genre: Figure skating AU | Slight angst | Fluff

Words: 1K +

Summary : After your last performance at the Junior world championships leaves you with a broken leg, your longtime boyfriend and team mate Jung Hoseok decides to partner with someone else and sign with a new agency  for the next competition, leaving you behind with the remains of a severed relationship. 2 years go by and your leg has long since healed, but a nasty blow to your confidence has put you off the idea of return to the competition circuit after being left behind. But when a chance meeting with an old friend catches you by surprise, you find yourself with a new partner. And after working hard you end right back where everything went wrong. But this time your going to show just far you’ve come.

Warnings : Mentions of broken bones and injury | some strong language |

Authors Note: Heyyyy SO Im still here haha, Ive been so busy with work and getting ready for christmas Ive not had time to write, but hopefully people are still here and want to read my skater AU hahah >W<

Its funny how things can change so quickly. You feel like everything just fits together, like a jigsaw portraying the image of your perfect life. You never really think about the perfection shattering like a mirror and you, being left to pick up the pieces of your once perfect reflection. Some things are just not meant to last forever I guess.

It was currently autumn time in your small little town, the leaves had long since shifted from lush greens into the beautiful hues of orange and red, like fire lining the cobbled streets. The chill in the air calling for thick winter wear and stalls of delicious hot foods perfect for this kind of weather. Yet as you walk the busy street, your once beloved time of year now only brought you broken memories and an ache in your bones you couldn’t seem to shift. 

You readjusted your messenger bag as you opened the door to the small coffee shop, the bell chiming as you felt the warmth kiss your frostbitten cheeks. It had been two years to the day when your dreams were ripped away from you. It was in this very cafe that you remember every detail of that night, every word he spoke to try and make you see his point of view, as if to soften the blow of his abandonment. Who was he trying to kid? His name was Jung Hoseok, Jhope in the figure skating circles. Yes, THAT Jung Hoseok. Lovable bad boy Pro skater Jung. god. damn. Hoseok. It was such a bad break up, if you could call it a break up. More like complete abandonment in your opinion. Who the hell abandons their girlfriend and skating partner for competition? Him thats who. 

It all happened at the junior world championships. You and Hoseok had been partners for 10 years, ever since you could balance on your skates. and for 5 years you had been a couple going strong. All the training you put in had led up to that moment, the moment to prove yourselves and be scouted out by the mass of agencies that had attended in hopes of snatching some new blood. It was finally your turn and you both breezed through the routine, the toe loops? no sweat. the Salchows were child’s play for you both. But then came the triple lutz. You had practices this particular move almost a hundred times and every time you were near perfect. But that one particular moment. The one time you needed to be flawless, lady luck decided fortune was not in the cards for you. You lost footing mid air and Boom. One broken femur and a trip to the hospital later you felt your ego bruised and your chances of being talent scouted shot.

It was two months later into your recovery Hoseok had asked you to meet at the cafe you sat in now, four booths over in fact. You had arrived a little late due to your injury inconvenience. He had ordered your favourite hot drink, peppermint hot chocolate and asked how you were. You didn’t think nothing of it but he had been distant since the accident. It wasn’t anything you felt you had to worry about, you were confined to the house the majority of your time after being released from the hospital so it was natural to you you hadn’t seen him in weeks. It was only when he cleared his throat and bit his lip you knew something was on his mind, it was a habit he had since he was a kid. Time seemed to slow down in that moment as your world caved in from under you.

“hey listen,, this is a little hard for me to say…”

“oh? is everything alright? I know we haven't been able to practice in a while but once im all healed-”

“no no its,,, look Y/N ill be straight with you.”

“ o- ok?”

“Y/N,, I want to go somewhere with my figure skating. and with you off the ice for the foreseeable,,,, I dont think I can go anywhere.”

“ oh… uh- so,, are you saying you want to go solo?”

“Not quite,,, aghhh listen, after your accident I realised were on different levels in our skating, this just proves it. This competition should have been easy for us and you go and break your leg for fucks sake,”

“oh like it was my intention to make an idiot of myself out there? How can you blame me for that?! Hoseok if you just wait we can work, I can work on my routines. i ca-”

“Y/N I cant say thins any other way but, I got a call from the S.F.S.A and they want me in their program. They’ve partnered me with a great skater and she-”

“Wait… you've already signed with them,,, and got a new partner. Hoseok I cant… I cant believe you. We always said we skate together or not at all. and you know how much I wanted us to get into S.F.S.A TOGETHER? Its like you dont care about anything we worked towards… and just because I broke my leg? … I just. I cant believe you.”

“come on Y/N dont be like this. This is a big opportunity for me. The Seoul Figure Skating Association in a BIG deal. I thought you’d understand. Your my girlfriend why are you being like this”

“Im HURT Hobi!? The slightest inconvenience and you throw me away? ,,,”

The silence was deafening as the two of you sat in that booth, The lighting overhead made Hobis blonde tips look almost white, and your eyes shimmer with unshed tears. It was as if the Hobi you knew, the man you’d loved since childhood had disappeared the moment he sat down. After all the hard work and effort you had put in, both in your teamwork and relationship, was it all for nothing. 

“I dont think this is gonna work between us anymore… Things, things change. People change and, I want this Y/N. I cant wait for you anymore.”

Those few sentences broke your heart. With nothing else to say to him you stood up, your crutches steadying you as you said nothing, what could you say to someone who just threw away everything you had together for a chance at bettering his career,,, a career you both put so much effort into. A career he was perusing with someone new. Hoseok stood with you when you struggled to adjust your bag around your head, he looked as though he wanted to help you, but the angry tears threatening to spill out of your reddening eyes was enough to tell him not to. As you made your way to the entrance you looked back at him, his face was masked in an almost pained expression, his cheeks were starting to pinken and his jaw was shaking slightly as thought he was about to cry. You left the shop before you could hear him saying its for the best. if that was what he thought then he can leave you. You were just thrown to the kerb and in that moment. your perfect world had shattered. your reflection left broken into pieces on the floor.

So, two years later and here you sit, in the same cafe, looking over to the booth your whole life came crashing down. Your leg had healed well, and you took back to the ice almost instantly to train yourself up again, but after the pain of losing your partner on and off the ice, you just couldn’t find the confidence you once had. It was as if your competitive lust for figure sating had left you with Hobi. It was after your loss of confidence your mental health took an even bigger hit, you felt yourself declining from the world and the people around you as you just got by day to day. You felt you could heal from what happened physically, but not mentally. But all grey clouds have a silver lining, days went by, the sun came up, and you eventually felt like yourself again. It took a lot, but it was the lack of self confidence in yourself that led you to your current occupation, your local ice rink had an opening for the overseeing the beginners lessons for ages 5-10, as much as you wished you could get back to being the skater you once were, the kids have grown on you. Your days that were filled with dull moping around the now very single woman’s apartment was now filled with tiny rosy cheeked little faces eager to learn. and everyday you felt yourself becoming more and more like yourself. And its this part of your life when you meet someone who turns it all around for you.

[shamemp3]

POSITIVE 20 QUESTIONS TAG GAME

@demondeals thank you for tagging me this was SO MUCH FUN!! ily!!

1. Name 4 fictional characters who showcase your personality the best, with explanations if you want.

aah this is hard okay so first and foremost peter parker. he’s one of those characters that have always been relatable in almost every aspect of life since i was a kid, especially when it comes to how he deals with his feelings and like his emotions and humor and his problems in general?? and then also jake peralta also because of feelings and how he tries to avoid them and be all!! fun fck yea!! and humor and idk?? also i love amy santiago so... third i think is percy jackson bc no thoughts head empty and he is impulsive and also brave and i would like to think that i am brave?? and yeh im trying to make this as short as possible and only vaguely explain but. it’s not working ksdfjbv okay fourth character is stiles stilinski ig?? like sarcasm and humor again, and idk this is all repeating but it all comes back to how he deals w his feelings and guilt and problems and idk the reasons are mostly the same with all these characters and yea there’s more but i feel like i am talking too much so i will stop skjdbvjk

2. Aesthetic

milkshakes and fries, neon lights, blasting the car radio, doing literally anything as long as it’s with friends, city lights, train rides at night, playing video games till sunrise, campfire smell, denim and flannels, drive-in movies

3. Favorite musical/play? (If you’ve never seen a musical or play, one you’d be interested in seeing?)

uhh i’ve only listened to hamilton which had some really cool beats! ive also listened to a few songs from dear evan hansen, wicked, mean girls, and oh now that i think about it i’ve seen the shrek musical on netflix and 10/10 phenomenal in every way that’s my favorite one

4. What is the best compliment you’ve ever received?

i know i’ve gotten compliments but for some reason i cant remember any?? like the second i read this question my brain went whoosh. idk probably whenever people tell me im funny or notice that im keeping my cool in a situation that is very NOT cool?? idk i really cant think of any rn jdfsbksdjb but there have definitely been compliments that i have thought about for weeks bc i was like....omg? me? kinda sad that i dont remember them i really hope i do soon bc i wouldnt wanna forget smth like that sjkdbdvhsb

5. How many times have you been in love?

i don’t think i’ve ever been in love (at least romantically)? im not certain but im 90% sure i haven’t. but when it comes to friends and family, sososos many times i lvoe them all

6. Embarrassing story or fact about yourself that makes you laugh now?

uhhh i got pantsed in like grade 7 bc i was being dragged across the floor and then this 9th grader came up to me in the middle of the hallway and yelled “HEY I SAW YOUR ASS” i wanted to perish

7. Favorite Disney/Pixar movie?

ooh probably zootopia or wall-e!!

8. Favorite flower or plant?

this is hard! i love ferns and sunflowers and hydrangeas and ooh also vines 

9. What’s your favorite holiday?

i love new year’s eve! it’s just fun because we all just stay up and celebrate and there’s always this feeling of “oh i got through another year!” also 4th of july but not bc of the actual holiday just bc my old town used to have these 4th of july carnivals that were crazy fun and i used to go like almost every day when the carnival was in town

10. Name three things that made you laugh or smile this past week.

first one is my school posted a picture of me graduating on their facebook and my mom sent them the link to look at it and when they pressed on it they started replying to my mom thinking it was on whatsapp but they left like 7 comments on the school’s post in arabic so that was funny as fukckjdbf, second is atla bc i love that show and everyone is so precious, and number 3 is literally any conversation with any of my friends

11. What song would you play to introduce yourself to someone?

axel f by crazy frog. next question

12. Name something that truly makes you feel peaceful even at your most stressed moments.

probably watching one of my favorite movies (mr. popper’s penguins or itsv tbh) or like just going on any of my friend’s gcs and sending memes and stuff

13. What do you, did you, or would you study at college?

i plan on going into chemistry!! i might also minor in computer or environmental science, but i’m still undecided! crazy because up till a few months ago i had zero idea what i wanted to do and my plans kept changing like every week

14. This is kind of a weird one, but which outfit of yours makes you feel most like yourself?

probably my denim jacket or my really big red sweatshirt? idk tbh i really only buy clothes that i know i would feel myself in and that i would be comfortable, but i think those two are probably my favorites?

15. What is a quote you live by?

power of people is stronger than the people in power because i want to take down the evil government. this is the first one i thought of so it’s staying skjvbjksdb

16. Name the funniest playlist name you have.

i have ‘AAAAHHHHHHH’ and i have ‘mitten ski’ which is a playlist composed entirely of mitski songs

17. Make a reference to an inside joke you have with someone you love with zero context.

wanna touch knees?

18. What is a message you would give your younger self if given the chance?

please stand up for urself and talk ab ur feelings for the love of god it’s ok to admit to being not ok ?? also everything in the world is not ur fault, chill btich

19. Who is your favorite family member? (If you have no good blood family members, feel free to mention someone in your found family)

i can’t really do this bc i really do love all of them in a different way. i’m definitely closest to my mom because i’ve lived with her all my life, but i still can’t pick favorites

20. What’s a secret dream of yours?

to be an astronaut pls this isn’t a secret i just really want to be an astronaut or a superhero pls someone give me a radioactive eel bite or send me to space or something. also to be able to be more open w people and to visit aleppo again 

i’m tagging: @natasharxmanov @anthonydarling @parkersedith @jessjones @anxieteandbiscuits if you guys want to!!! ily all very much

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

3 am’s a crazy time for it but it occurs to me i may as well give a heads up that i am like, for real at the present assuming that i’m gonna like, sometime in the very near future here be going offline again, in that sort of my ~plan~ (my one-step plan) is seeing if i can get myself on a bus (hopefully) and see if that can get me to the west coast. and from there i’ll just be like, well here i am in a place i’ve never been before, being unhoused for the second time but this time not living in my car, which is a bit different than living right out in the open, which i’ve never done. this, for example, is why i was looking up how to do makeshift stp devices. way easier to be able to pee wherever you are than have to find a place you can drop your whole pants, or an actual bathroom. apparently cutting the end off one of those plastic liquid medicine measuring things with the sorta spoon at its mouth works. anyways

i suppose it hasn’t necessarily showed but for a few weeks now i’ve def been feeling The Impending Pressure and it was getting down to the wire there not knowing if the Last Day Online would spring itself on me suddenly. but i can at least say i think i’ll have a days warning now and be able to say something with at least a matter of hours forewarning and not like, a matter of minutes. its been sorta wild though like, sorta assuming its like a Two Days Remain situation and in the midst of the unpredictability of depression, trying to just enjoy things as they’re happening, the simple stuff like chatting with people and being able to put my bullshit thoughts online...cranking out a fic chapter because it’s at least a better place to leave it hanging than it wouldve been otherwise.....just consuming this content that’s enjoyable and chill af.......i tell ya what—both in terms of being Fun and Anxiety-Reducing and Good Distractions and also, a great opportunity just to be talking to people on the daily which has been and continues to be absolutely fantastic—having been On that deh/etc will roland train for the past couple months has been a total gift. it was some great luck stumbling into that, seriously

anyways it’s weird! it’s weird thinking just like, i’ll suddenly do this thing and be on the other coast and just step out and be somewhere i don’t know and with no particular destination and maybe the lgbt center i looked up will at least tell me whats the best area to be in, sometimes they’re in the know abt that re: where’s a better spot to be homeless in than others. and from there, y’know, all i’ve been doing for years and all i can continue to do is absolutely wing it. and it’s funny that this all seems slightly less intimidating to me than it wouldve like, a year or two ago (even tho two yrs ago i was technically homeless lol but living in my car so like i said its different from living Right on the street) but honestly, obviously, it’s still very intimidating because how could it not be. i’m maybe not AS anxious but i’m still anxious and even though i know i could do it, i’d be stressed tf out and anxious as hell and shit while i was doing it. i mean, a crosscountry bus ride alone—i’ve never done that!! what if i mess up switching over to a different connecting ride between stations. bus and train bathrooms unnerve me, god forbid i have to get past someone to get to the aisle to GO to the bathroom. and, yknow, just a really long bus ride—how do you manage to sleep, how do i manage not to fall asleep at the wrong time cuz i doubt there’s an attendant telling you to get off at the right stop. though god knows it’s somewhat arbitrary where i’m deciding to go, i have no especial connection in one particular place over another, i think i have an uncle and cousin in CA but i don’t have the first idea where and i don’t know them at all

ugh. like there’s no actual way to feel good about it but if i’m gonna go somewhere it might as well be in a completely different place and i could try the west coast and i’m not one for making careful plans or thinking that making careful plans about your life works unless you’ve already got a lot of control about your situation, which i don’t. and it’s always been p inevitable that i wind up “properly” homeless, and it happens, and i don’t pretend it doesn’t scare me, but what are you gonna do? c’est ca que c’est / la vie. this way there’s a chance that A Big Change might lead the way for something better, and like hey if i die or some shit i die, which has always been a possibility anyways for the past like 6-7 years especially, what with how shitty i’ve felt lol. but i have no attachment where i’m at now and just. it’s hard to explain i guess if you’re not in the kind of place where i’m at but there’s not a lot of choices in the first place so, if i can choose the location, if it can be somewhere new where i MIGHT like to be for once, that’s better than not. and somehow so far i’ve managed to go with the flow surrounding big changes and sometimes wild situations, even if i’ve felt like crap and been super worried sometimes too. i don’t know for how many years now i’ve been Not assuming i’d be alive by the next year, but here i am having gotten this far, at least. it’s fairly impressive even if i don’t have any amazing achievements. believe it or not i’m pretty satisfied with my Achievements as just like, dumbass blog posts and fic/art and occasionally contributing something someone enjoys and getting to talk to people sometimes. it’s how i’ve been able to enjoy myself in the midst of some really awful times for the past like 6 yrs and i’ve appreciated it every day i’ve gotten to surf the net

like i guess it’s like haha, nerd, that half of what i’m worried about is being offline. but it’s a big deal being able to connect w the world beyond your immediate reach and distract yourself and say things and maybe even Enjoy yourself and also actually get to talk to people. but hey sometimes even people who live on the street manage to snag wifi connections somehow. i’d have to ask them how, lol. but, yknow, like i said, for a couple weeks especially it’s been like , Not Assuming I’ll NOT Lose Internet Connection and thus really trying to bear down on appreciating it. not like being offline for 5 months or so didn’t also make me appreciate it extra already. i was gonna say i survived it but i did get wildly depressed throughout like, august? september? probably both lol. anyways. what i’m trying to say i guess is that i’m not actually assuming i’ll be okay, but that only means so much because like, not to sound dramatic but i’ve pretty much never been okay on account of ive been just a half step away from living on the streets ever since leaving my parents house where i’d previously lived my whole life, which was an abusive situation. and also the depression and the years of really wanting to die which, at least 2018 didn’t have TOO much of that, in terms of feeling like it might be impending. now i can’t really be bothered, i’m just floating along and if i die i die, right. what i’m trying to say is, there’s not really any Good Proper option to choose where i’m definitely okay, so it’s basically about choosing between bad options, and with this choice i might at least like the location a little better, change of scenery, not as cold as here, i dunno. there’s not a way to just choose my way into being okay. it’s all a roll of the dice anyhow

also it’s weird but one thing about being on my own is it takes the pressure off me in certain ways and it’s a bit easier for me to Do things. if there’s anyone else to answer to in any way, i tend to just not ever decide anything and definitely don’t pursue anything. i’m one of those ppl who either has to live alone or with ppl they’re really really really comfortable with, and since i don’t have the latter around and nobody especially me can afford the former, it’s like, well, how is not everybody homeless anyway, right? and people do it. because yknow, you have to do it, it’s suddenly just your situation and somehow people get through every day. idk. learn as you go. what can ya do. it’s choosing between various bad options, i could also just wander into the mountains and die, but i’d rather not, and offing myself is Way a hassle, and also would be difficult, same as dying of exposure/dehydration in this middle of nowhere patch of mtns. i might as well try my luck at being in a place where you COULD maybe survive or something, and where i could at least feel like, if i do manage to have any good things happen, i would even possibly want to be in that area and be more comfortable living there. i have no roots anywhere and only have a No Zone (near my parents house) and so its sorta like, pick a random place to be!! lol. ahhhh

what can i say. it also sucks having to think “boy, in addition to not dying, hope i don’t get physically/sexually assaulted—also, how do people get water??” but......such is the way that it is. i don’t know. i don’t think anybody looks at impending homelessness and goes “i’m okay about this and not at all afraid.” and it’s strange to talk about how this is sort of ~by choice~ but it’s not exactly, in that i didn’t choose to only have abusive family and how even though i was working while living in my car it would never have been enough for rent probably even if i had someone to split it with and i also didn’t choose to not be rich in the first place and *the economy...... .png*

sigh. i dunno, it’s hard because i can’t talk about it a right way or long enough and get to a point i don’t feel intimidated or upset that once i Go Offline i’ll for real just be on my own unless and until i manage to get online for a moment again, in which case i’ll still be on my own, but i’ll feel a bit less alone, ha ha

anyways. speaking of trying to appreciate the simple pleasures of talking about whatever weird shit i wanna talk about and pushing myself to draw/write as it feels like it gets even more down to the wire—time to do that! 4 am and time to draw this weird meme & hopefully crank out the rest of this oneshot & maybe even draw again, and maybe again—it’s cool cuz i slept weird the other night and then got again weirdly tired in the afternoon and took a long depression nap w sorta fun, sorta bizarre dreams. augh. so at least i figure i’m just cruisin now, Not Sleeping-wise

i might have to ask a favor eventually in that there’s something really super simple i ought to look up, but i’d have a ton of trouble making myself do so because of anxiety, yknow how it is. but i’ll ask that if and when i ask it

[uglysantas]

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So this is going to be a bit long but bear with me I had what I believe to be a pointless and incredibly frustrating experience with the assistant manager jamie at your auburn hills great lakes crossing location today I have been coming here for three years I frequent your orlando san marcos and new jersey locations as well at least once a year when we stop we usually spend 5 to 10 thousand dollars on your products the system is simple I go in park in a corner and bring bins to my corner sort them bag them move them to the front register and repeat today I brought a personal duffel bag as it holds about 8 to 12 of your bags worth of stuff I get told that i’m not allowed to use it because it’s policy not a big deal at all I say okay i’ll do that for the rest rather than rebag all of this i’ll just go up in line and pay for it and it can sit behind the counter seems pretty reasonable to me nope I got obstructed suggested that I might be stealing something and not allowed to pass stating if I don’t want to follow the system I can leave he then takes my entire duffel dumps it onto the floor and then rebags it into victoria secret bags then moves it to the front counter so it can be rang in I thought this was a little odd but hey he was doing all the work rebagging it so whatever i’m like dude i’m going to be spending about 8k today all I want to do is come in spend some money get out without any drama what’s the problem whoevers in charge should be thrilled with a sale like this we’re spending 8k keep in mind that I told him that I would do what he wanted and it wasnt’ a big deal and the response was to the effect of stop being lippy and just listen I told him what do you want from me I just agreed with you and said I would use your bags i’m not being lippy at all I know this because I said okay dude not a problem i’ll use your bags his response was maybe if you get to buy it i’m like what are you suggesting that an 8 000 order is something you guys don’t want he’s like yeah if you buy it i’m like dude we are spending 8k today why would I bag up a bunch of stuff and spend 2 3 hours picking our your fabulous product to not buy it anyway so I had 4 credit cards one card had 2 000 one had 3500 one had 2000 and one had 1000 because I am buying for multiple people I had 4 different cards all in my name I wanted one receipt for each card not a big deal to me right wrong again he cited some policy and said if the order is more than 750 items that they aren’t allowed to ring in under 750 items on any one receipt id like to point out that that amount is higher than your employees said they could take as a cash payment I asked him to please show me that I would understand better if I could just read it he was willing to do so he brought out the policy book and to my surprise what it actually said was words to the afffect of cash payments cannot be split up or over 750 items I forget the second half my immediate reply was so what’s the big deal im using credit not cash he snatched the policy book away from me at that point and said you know what you can just listen to me or I don’t have to let you buy anything it’s up to my discretion I then called your orlando outlet and your new jersey outlet and talked to the store managers and cited your policy I was given I asked them to confirm if that was accurate and both said if it was a policy it was news to them I then asked if they would let me buy my order using 4 cards and 4 receipts the woman at orlando said oh my gosh yes we do that every single day I asked if I went to her store if I would have any trouble with this in the future and was told no then she said you can always come down here if you’re in the area and i’ll be happy to take your order after that phone call I tried again here’s the video of that attempt I said listen I have 4 credit cards your register girl said you told her she can’t ring up an order under 750 items that’s 3500 if it’s 5 items not all of my cards have that much I have done multiple receipts every time I came here heck I can even supply them to show it he tells me that because I am order so many items that I can’t have less tan 750 items per receipt so I point around to everyone else and ask what about everyone else you aren’t forcing them to spend a minimum of 750 items what about the final charge i’ll have 750 items for two tickets but the leftover isn’t going to be 750 items you’re not going to let me buy them he shrugged his shoulders to say no at this point I haven’t yelled ive been a bit snarky and sarcastic because I know he’s just giving me a hard time two people ring in our order almost every time I am up there and we were there 3 times in the last 6 months spent a bunch each time so at 730 8pm or so we are done shopping assuming that two people could ring us up ended up being a fantasy he forced one employee only to ring us up later on he comes up when its now close to 9pm and says hey you mind if we ring you up on both registers I chuckle and say no I don’t but you do you don’t want to be breaking that 750 rule do you he glared at me and then sent the employee away and walked off after blinking a few times I laugh because after telling me over and over he couldn’t do it he just got caught trying to do what should have been done to begin with a short while later after 9 I find out that everyone is standing uip front except for the one girl and another associate because none of the rest of them are allowed to help her ring us up the only two people left in the store with about 700 more items to be rang in if that’s not enough since it was a holidy all of these employees are apparently being paid overtime to stand around and wait at a bit after 10 all but two girls leave and one girl is waiting to count cash while the other girl sits and keeps ringing stuff in we apologize profusely we expected two employees to ring us up like always and timed our visit to be out around 9 if this had happened instead of having one literally stand there and watch her for 1 hour and 47 minutes after close we would have all been out on time and no overtime or extra hours spent so finally at 10 47 pm our orders are done we thank the lovely girl lauren and jasmine who got stuck staying 2 hours past close because a manager made up some random policy and had to double down when I pointed out he really needed to follow that 750 rule when he was going to toss another girl on the register if this is policy fine it doesn’t seem to be no manager at your other outlets knew what he was talking about the orlando one insisted that the only restrictions are on cash payments and verified I was paying cash or credit it’s a pretty humiliating experience to get hassled trying to buy panties and bras by someone who’s on some type of power trip the only thing I said sideways to him was that I flat out didn’t believe his policy and that credit absolutely is not the same as cash I didnt call him any names scream at him or did anything to disrupt the store beyond what you see in the videos if this is not policy i’d like an apology from that manager in person or over the phone admitting he was mistaken I would hope that the next time I go there I am not hassled but if not I guess there’s always orlando or new jersey who seem to be quite friendly I also want to give recognition to jasmine and lauren lauren is the poor soul who got stuck ringing everything in alone because of the manager’s silly rule and not allowing anyone to help because it would be in violation of the 750 item rule jasmine was the cash counter who had to wait until we were out of the store to count cash even more interesting is that I had a former employee with me helping me buy and she said she never heard of this policy either but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t added since she left she was just as confused because the manager spent over 30 minutes trying to explain and defend this when that time certainly would have been more efficiently spent doing productive things instead of hassling someone who literally sits in a corner and speaks to no one while sorting through your products one bin at a time id love a call back about this or to find out what exactly is going on ive never been hassled like this before and it was a little frustrating and very trying to keep my cool joe rossetti alexandria gunn

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Happy 84th birthday to my main idol my grandma mj my grandma is the strongest person I know I saw her be the provider of her family and run her own clothing store my whole life she s battled cancer and beat it twice and she always gives me the realest best advice she s probably the only person on this planet that I still remember their home number by heart lol my grandma has a Hot I don’t have kids my cat is allergic shirt sweater finsta so everyone leave nice comments wishing her a happy birthday. Gj guys but be careful vitality just gave insight about how to shutdown your top and mid lane although they didn’t execute it properly their strategy is just too good to counter your playstyle and other teams will take advantage from it. So this is going to be a bit long but bear with me I had what I believe to be a pointless and incredibly frustrating experience with the assistant manager jamie at your auburn hills great lakes crossing location today I have been coming here for three years I frequent your orlando san marcos and new jersey locations as well at least once a year when we stop we usually spend 5 to 10 thousand dollars on your products the system is simple I go in park in a corner and bring bins to my corner sort them bag them move them to the front register and repeat today I brought a personal duffel bag as it holds about 8 to 12 of your bags worth of stuff I get told that i’m not allowed to use it because it’s policy not a big deal at all I say okay i’ll do that for the rest rather than rebag all of this i’ll just go up in line and pay for it and it can sit behind the counter seems pretty reasonable to me nope I got obstructed suggested that I might be stealing something and not allowed to pass stating if I don’t want to follow the system I can leave he then takes my entire duffel dumps it onto the floor and then rebags it into victoria secret bags then moves it to the front counter so it can be rang in I thought this was a little odd but hey he was doing all the work rebagging it so whatever i’m like dude i’m going to be spending about 8k today all I want to do is come in spend some money get out without any drama what’s the problem whoevers in charge should be thrilled with a sale like this we’re spending 8k keep in mind that I told him that I would do what he wanted and it wasnt’ a big deal and the response was to the effect of stop being lippy and just listen I told him what do you want from me I just agreed with you and said I would use your bags i’m not being lippy at all I know this because I said okay dude not a problem i’ll use your bags his response was maybe if you get to buy it i’m like what are you suggesting that an 8 000 order is something you guys don’t want he’s like yeah if you buy it i’m like dude we are spending 8k today why would I bag up a bunch of stuff and spend 2 3 hours picking our your fabulous product to not buy it anyway so I had 4 credit cards one card had 2 000 one had 3500 one had 2000 and one had 1000 because I am buying for multiple people I had 4 different cards all in my name I wanted one receipt for each card not a big deal to me right wrong again he cited some policy and said if the order is more than 750 items that they aren’t allowed to ring in under 750 items on any one receipt id like to point out that that amount is higher than your employees said they could take as a cash payment I asked him to please show me that I would understand better if I could just read it he was willing to do so he brought out the policy book and to my surprise what it actually said was words to the afffect of cash payments cannot be split up or over 750 items I forget the second half my immediate reply was so what’s the big deal im using credit not cash he snatched the policy book away from me at that point and said you know what you can just listen to me or I don’t have to let you buy anything it’s up to my discretion I then called your orlando outlet and your new jersey outlet and talked to the store managers and cited your policy I was given I asked them to confirm if that was accurate and both said if it was a policy it was news to them I then asked if they would let me buy my order using 4 cards and 4 receipts the woman at orlando said oh my gosh yes we do that every single day I asked if I went to her store if I would have any trouble with this in the future and was told no then she said you can always come down here if you’re in the area and i’ll be happy to take your order after that phone call I tried again here’s the video of that attempt I said listen I have 4 credit cards your register girl said you told her she can’t ring up an order under 750 items that’s 3500 if it’s 5 items not all of my cards have that much I have done multiple receipts every time I came here heck I can even supply them to show it he tells me that because I am order so many items that I can’t have less tan 750 items per receipt so I point around to everyone else and ask what about everyone else you aren’t forcing them to spend a minimum of 750 items what about the final charge i’ll have 750 items for two tickets but the leftover isn’t going to be 750 items you’re not going to let me buy them he shrugged his shoulders to say no at this point I haven’t yelled ive been a bit snarky and sarcastic because I know he’s just giving me a hard time two people ring in our order almost every time I am up there and we were there 3 times in the last 6 months spent a bunch each time so at 730 8pm or so we are done shopping assuming that two people could ring us up ended up being a fantasy he forced one employee only to ring us up later on he comes up when its now close to 9pm and says hey you mind if we ring you up on both registers I chuckle and say no I don’t but you do you don’t want to be breaking that 750 rule do you he glared at me and then sent the employee away and walked off after blinking a few times I laugh because after telling me over and over he couldn’t do it he just got caught trying to do what should have been done to begin with a short while later after 9 I find out that everyone is standing uip front except for the one girl and another associate because none of the rest of them are allowed to help her ring us up the only two people left in the store with about 700 more items to be rang in if that’s not enough since it was a holidy all of these employees are apparently being paid overtime to stand around and wait at a bit after 10 all but two girls leave and one girl is waiting to count cash while the other girl sits and keeps ringing stuff in we apologize profusely we expected two employees to ring us up like always and timed our visit to be out around 9 if this had happened instead of having one literally stand there and watch her for 1 hour and 47 minutes after close we would have all been out on time and no overtime or extra hours spent so finally at 10 47 pm our orders are done we thank the lovely girl lauren and jasmine who got stuck staying 2 hours past close because a manager made up some random policy and had to double down when I pointed out he really needed to follow that 750 rule when he was going to toss another girl on the register if this is policy fine it doesn’t seem to be no manager at your other outlets knew what he was talking about the orlando one insisted that the only restrictions are on cash payments and verified I was paying cash or credit it’s a pretty humiliating experience to get hassled trying to buy panties and bras by someone who’s on some type of power trip the only thing I said sideways to him was that I flat out didn’t believe his policy and that credit absolutely is not the same as cash I didnt call him any names scream at him or did anything to disrupt the store beyond what you see in the videos if this is not policy i’d like an apology from that manager in person or over the phone admitting he was mistaken I would hope that the next time I go there I am not hassled but if not I guess there’s always orlando or new jersey who seem to be quite friendly I also want to give recognition to jasmine and lauren lauren is the poor soul who got stuck ringing everything in alone because of the manager’s silly rule and not allowing anyone to help because it would be in violation of the 750 item rule jasmine was the cash counter who had to wait until we were out of the store to count cash even more interesting is that I had a former employee with me helping me buy and she said she never heard of this policy either but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t added since she left she was just as confused because the manager spent over 30 minutes trying to explain and defend this when that time certainly would have been more efficiently spent doing productive things instead of hassling someone who literally sits in a corner and speaks to no one while sorting through your products one bin at a time id love a call back about this or to find out what exactly is going on ive never been hassled like this before and it was a little frustrating and very trying to keep my cool joe rossetti alexandria gunn

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[shiphaussecretsanta]

Sarcasm

gift from @pwssyboy​ to @kovntag​

Pairing: Adam Kovic/Lawrence Sonntag

Rating: Explicit

Words: 2,681

Summary: Part of the shiphaus secret santa, my secret santa was kovntag who wanted Adam/Lawrence in the fake funhaus crew universe.

Notes:

I was really nervous to start this because I honestly admire kovntag, hes a cool dude and my fav writer in the fandom so to be able to write something for him is like a huge honor.,, also this au is something Ive wanted to write for for a while so I hope I did it justice! Sorry its a mess I havent written anything in 5 months :,^)

—

Impatient fingers tapped on the dashboard in a pattern that matched those of Lawrence’s tapping away at his laptop.

“I just don’t understand why I have to-“

“Yes you do Adam stop bitching,” Lawrence cut his partner off immediately. Normally while the crew went on a heist the older man was left in the getaway car trying to help the crew from the outside while Elyse else sat at the wheel ready to drive as soon as the other joined them, but after a certain trigger happy occurrence a few weeks ago that resulted in too many civilians casualties by the hands of a certain Adam Kovic the brunette had been demoted to getaway driver until he as Bruce put it “got his shit together”. Of course Adam wasn’t too happy about this because he felt his reckless and impulsive nature was better suited “on the field” and Lawrence couldn’t disagree more but honestly he didn’t know what was worse; having him behind a wheel or behind a gun. For now he had to live through these past two missions dealing with Adam’s constant whining which he half hated and half enjoyed because the younger man did look kind of hot when he pouted….

“Can we at least listen to my music when we drive? I’m sick of your night core anime bullshit, it just makes me feel more on edge than I need to be,” Adam bargained, noticing a security guard making his rounds coming their way. In his attempt to act nonchalant he took his time slipping out of the car and motioning for Lawrence to roll down the window after he threw his laptop under the seat.

“I’m just gonna run across the street real quick do you want anything baby? He asked, swiping his hair back in a way that always made Lawrence sweat. Another thing he didn’t hate about being stuck with Adam in the car; his facades always involved them having an established relationship, something he wished wasn’t just a cover up for the missions. Lawrence didn’t even have stop to come up with a flirtatious response before Adam looked over his shoulder and saw the security guard quickly hustle his way back into the bank ignoring the two of them completely. Adam stood up and stretched for a hot second before sauntering back around the car and getting into his seat next to his partner.

“I guess that’s our que to get ready.” Lawrence retrieved his laptop and pulled up several different tabs containing various security codes, cameras, traffic patterns, and the like onto his screen. He needed to focus and he wouldn’t let his attraction to the buff armed brunet distract him from a successful pay day. While Adam surveyed the surrounding cars and tensed his grip on the wheel, Lawrence occupied his eyes with the front door of the establishment knowing the crew were to come out of there at any second. With the cameras already taken out and the team wearing masks there was no risk of being seen coming out the front. A few seconds later and he could hear the gunshots and panicked screaming that flood out of the door as James slammed it open, Bruce and Elyse following suit. As soon as that door was pulled shut by Elyse Lawrence pressed down on his keys setting off the bank’s security system and locking the doors from the inside, something that would buy them some time but not enough. The three piled themselves into the back of the car just as Adam was already pulling out almost slamming into an oncoming car.

“God fucking chill out Adam take this seriously,” Bruce shouted while pulling his door shut. James grabbed the three duffle bags and started to split the money into five various bags then later discarding the duffle bags out the window as they drove on the overpass.

“See this is why I said just fucking leave him in the loft, he’s going to get us killed,” James grunted. There was no malice in his voice, no one of the crew members actually disliked Adam they were just frustrated. Almost two years of successful heists and all of a sudden they were fumbling due to Adam’s negligence, they didn’t want it to end like this and they were just concerned is all. Adam didn’t understand that though.

“Hey fuck you! You were supposed to be out of there a whole two minutes earlier than you were. The road was clear up until that point,” the brunet looked over his shoulder and yelled. Lawrence immediately grabbed him and forced him to look forward.

“Eyes on the road Adam! Focus on getting us to the break off point before you two get into a god damn a fist fight. Now watch out.” Lawrence waited until he saw the stop light a good distance away before he clicked on a few more things in front of him, this time fucking with the light and granting them a clear passage to drive straight through, trying to get them to take as many back streets as possible to avoid as many cars as they could. As Elyse delved out ammo and meet up points to the others Lawrence started zoning out and hyper focusing on Adam’s bulging biceps that twitched and brow that furrowed as he drove. All this adrenaline was getting to him and he couldn’t help but find the other man to be incredibly hot in the moment.

“Ok I’m turning here.” Lawrence snapped of his horny delusion.

“W-What? No! Don’t fucking do that!” He pulled up the location of their second vehicle and started to panic.

“There’s gonna be a fucking blockade right there, why do you think they only have two patrols after us? The rest of there are there!” He pointed as his screen as if Adam could look while he was driving.

“No there isn’t they haven’t set up there in a month it’s like they totally forgot about it I’ll just slip down there to save us time and get there quicker.” Adam started shifting lanes to take the exit complete opposite of where he was supposed to go.

“No that’s literally not how that works! People don’t just forget a street exists how could you be that dumb!” Lawrence wanted to reach over and rip the wheel out of Adam’s hands but that would ultimately end in near death. At this point the three in the back started to chime in, Adam could feel his head pounding and heard his heart beating in his chest he couldn’t even think about the road ahead of him he was just so infuriated that no one even trusted him. In the midst of his frustrations he didn’t even notice the car that veered into his lane, causing him to snap back to reality and turn the other way completely missing the exit he wanted to take. Bruce reached forward and grabbed Adam’s shoulder,

“What the fuck is wrong with you? You really need to get it together Kovic or I’m going to have to have you wiping off guns and counting money with Jacob in the shop.” The car was quiet for once, none of them really had the energy to keep fighting. At this point Adam just felt hurt and he wanted this to be done, he listened to Lawrence and took his route. Lawrence cautiously reached over and laid a warm hand on his thigh,

“Thank you for listening,” he said quietly. Adam licked his lips and shifted in his seat, his mouth was suddenly dry and he felt some type of way. He never really thought about it but in a way he looked up to Lawrence. He admired the way he always put the crew before himself no matter how much they teased him for being a “nerd” and the other crews in the city even went out of their way to call him “useless” because he just sat in the car and pressed buttons but he did so much more than that and it took Adam until right now to realize that. Now here he was, the other man’s reassuring hand so close to him while the others screamed at him from the back. Lawrence wanted his attention and he finally had it. Adam readjusted his grip on the wheel,

“Drop off point is up ahead get ready to hop out, take the three bags and whatever you need in case you encounter trouble. Lawrence and I will head under the bridge and wait it out this way if something happens were more spread out.” Usually the four split off to the second car while Adam found somewhere to ditch the first but in a last attempt to have his way Adam changed it up. Surprisingly no one argued.

“Sounds good to me, maybe Lawrence can teach you a thing or two about following directions while you have your alone time together,” James retorted helping Elyse out of the car after they parked. Nothing else was said as they parted ways. Adam pulled away and made his way to the shadows of the underpass. The silence was broken after a few minutes of waiting it out.

“I’m sorry I got upset with you I just want to make sure we all stay safe and work efficiently. I know how hard this is on you, to feel like you’re always doing something wrong I mean,” Lawrence spoke up while occupying himself with checking police reports and locations. Adam took his glasses off and slid a hand through his hair again, his heart was still beating painstakingly fast He didn’t know how to respond, he wanted to thank him but that could be taken as an invitation to tear him down more. The older man didn’t seem like that kind of person though. Lawrence took the lack of response as an incentive to fil the silence.

“I think you’re a wonderful driver and you clearly want to do your job well to appease everyone but I guess in this kind of business it’s easy to put under a microscope and be ripped apart.” At this point he figured he owed Adam eye contact at least so he shut his laptop and turned his body to face him. He opened his mouth to say more but he wanted to choose his words carefully as he had no idea what his partner was feeling at the moment. He settled with putting his hand on his knee this time.

“Just know that we all love you and were just worried ok?” He gave him a reassuring smile but the way Adam looked at him was a mixture of several emotions he couldn’t put his finger on. Discouragement? Disgust? Disappointment? Out of nowhere he felt a hand grab his and pull him forward forcing his lips to connect with the other mans. This was…sudden. Adam let his impulsive side take over which combined with his adrenaline rushed mind he acted on an urge he felt building up for some time, one that he wasn’t sure if he would regret later but he was hoping he wouldn’t. That was for future Adam to deal with. Lawrence just let himself be pushed back while the younger man climbed over the center console and onto his lap. It’s not like he was going to complain though this isn’t how he saw this going down, but he figured Adam needed to express some deeply hidden emotions and being the caring crew member he was he figured he’d bite the bullet and let him do what he needed to. Adam just continued to frantically grab at Lawrence’s shirt and bring him closer kissing him hungrily and making a satisfied sound when his partner reciprocated. He finally pulled away and mustered up the courage to look Lawrence in the eyes. His pupils were blown out from arousal and his lips were red and puffy from the beating they just took. Adam almost felt bad springing this on him but this seemed to be going better than he expected.

“Can I jack you off?” He blurted out, both hands slithering up to grab either sides of Lawrence’s face, he loved the feeling of his stubble on his hands. Not wanting to disappoint the other man just nodded and Adam flashed him the happiest smile he didn’t even know he was capable of making and it just melted his heart. If he knew letting Adam crank his dick would have made him this happy he would have let him do it sooner. Adam wasted no time undoing his pants and pulling his dick out before he paused.

“Oh uh..I don’t have-” Lawrence cut him off by taking Adam’s hands and putting his fingers in his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the fingers getting a slick coat of saliva around them before pulling them back out.

“There,” he grunted. If Adam were standing his legs would have buckled from how much he was shaking, his actions were actually starting to register in his brain and he was getting self-aware but god did he want this and he wanted it now. The younger man just went ahead and started pumping his partners cock, stumbling at first but when Lawrence gently grabbed the back of his head and pulled him forward for a soft kiss he felt himself relax and enjoy himself. The kiss soon turned into Adam hungrily biting at Lawrence’s bottom lip and sucking on it making it swollen red. Every time he moaned into his mouth Lawrence thrusted up into his hand and they slowly had a rhythm going. Adam soon got sick of the silence and got even more vocal.

“Praise me. Tell me how good I’m doing,” he whined. He figured Lawrence liked talking so much he might as well put that mouth to god use. Plus he just really like hearing him say nice things about him, it made him feel good. Thankfully he didn’t hesitate.

“You did so well today. You didn’t lose your temper too much and you were quick. I have to admit I prefer having you drive because you look really hot behind the wheel.” The last part made Adam shiver. His face was on fire and he buried his face in Lawrence’s neck. All of these emotions smacking him in the face at once was overwhelming and he just couldn’t look at his partner right now. But Lawrence was having none of that, he grabbed the back of his head a little forcefully and made him look at him.

“You’re also really good at pissing me off. You have many talents and your most prominent one is ignoring orders and getting on my nerves. You pretend were boyfriends for the public but yet you fight me on everything. You just like being a tease don’t you?” He growled and bit into Adam’s neck, something they’d both probably regret later. Or not. They both so caught up in the affectionate name calling and thrusting and pumping that they didn’t even have time to register that they were both so close to finishing. Just a few more pumps from Adam’s frantic hand and love marks from Lawrence’s talented mouth and Adam was coming in his pants while Lawrence finished all over his hand. The two just collapsed into the seat and were silent minus the sounds of them breathing heavily. Before they could fully recuperate or even talk about what just happened the flash of red and blue lights was seen in the rearview mirrors and instinctually they both sat up quickly to fix themselves and grab what they needed out of the car. As he opened the door to leave Lawrence was stopped by Adams’ grasp on his wrist, he turned and was met with Adam’s lips yet again.

“See you back in your room?” He asked, his face was hopeful. Lawrence smiled.

“Yeah.” He reassured him.

They then went off in opposite directions, the sound of sirens following suit.

[stardusstt]

1-10 😚

1. Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. I am single at the moment, and i actually really love it. I like having time for me and my friends and not having to worry about a guy. I like having crushes on guys and not having to be like “uh oh i like this other guy a little whoops” maybe i just had a horrible demonic presence as a bf but idk lol.

2 .Where you’d like to be in 10 years. in ten years ill be 30 lmao and honestly don’t wanna think about that. but hopefully ill have a good job? lol i want to live in california

3. Your views on drugs and alcohol.  i used to be a total stick in the ass (is that an expression) about drugs and alcohol, but now idc. I smoke weed socially and drink all the time. But like it opens your mind to other things, like i feel so much more comfortable with myself. I feel like i can talk freely about anything to anyone.

4. Your views on religion.  since my dad died i haven’t been very religious, even before then we never went to church. It was just always a thing, like God is there. and I’m not blaming my beliefs on the fact that my dad died, i know it has no real correlation. religion has never played a huge role in my life, and when my dad died i feel like any of what i had got thrown out the window, i started making bad decisions and coped in all the wrong ways, but I’ve made it through that. I really don’t know what i believe in, but i will never push anyones beliefs away, I’m open to them, if that makes any bit of sense.

5.  A time you thought about ending your own life. theres actually been quite a few times, mostly in my past. its funny i used to think i wanted to kill myself because my dad died, but now i realize it was what happened after that that made me feel that way. i mean i was already suffering from depression and then this kid keeps telling you “everyone dies, death is okay its okay to want to kill yourself or hurt yourself” and then manipulate me into doing promiscuous things in school (MIDDLE FUCKING SCHOOL) and make you give up the music you love because “you love them more than me, go suck his dick” (hmmm gladly) oh not to forget, calls you a slut and a whore for having a normal connection with a teacher, (mind you in front of said teacher). so yeah all those things drove me to want to kill myself, But recently any of the times I’ve felt that way, its been resolved rather quickly because now i have music in my life again, and music calms me more than anything.

6. Write 30 interesting facts about yourself. ohmygod this post is already soooo long lol, but honestly i really like getting my thoughts out like this no offense lol, even if no one reads it i still feel like I’m getting shit out in the open! 1.i lost my virginity when i was 13 2. i have two middle names; Patricia, Grace. . 3. the first celebrity i ever met was Bret Michaels 4. my favorite band is Guns N’ Roses and honestly don’t know what id do without that band in my life 5. i get angry really easily sometimes over the stupidest things 6. I’m into older men (if it wasn’t obvious to tell) 7. the day Prince died i had to leave school early because i was crying so much, and honestly have not gotten over it 8. ive been best friends w the most amazing bitch since 5th grade (thats like 10 years!!!) 9. i used to have a celeb crush on jim carrey lmao 10. ive never sang (like real singing) in front of anyone 11. i met slash at the milwaukee airport lol 12. i work at a party city and honestly with some of the greatest people i think ill ever meet 13. i have a bondage and daddy kink 14. i used to be a rebel without a cause, kind of a bitch and totally inappropriate at school 15. i had/ve a major crush on my high school teacher (who in my defense used to be a model for ralph lauren, and loved Poison sooooo uhhh) 16. i have major trust issues 17. i want to be a stripper 18. i love nascar and have since i was really little 19. i used to be terrified of tornadoes and even when it rained  a little i would have a full on panic attack 20. I’m getting a pet snake FINALLY 21. i have at least 6 different styles in the way i dress 22. ive been obsessed with the 80s since i was like in 6th grade 23. i have a theory that David Bowie isn’t of Earth 24. I’ve had a paranormal experience 25. i love christmas 26. i go to a lot of concerts alone 27. i loved the song Darling Nikki so much when i was younger, my mom had to beg me not to tell people lmao 28. when i saw Poison live, i cried during Talk Dirty To Me lol 29. i love driving and listening to my music 30. i love marvel and the mcu, and its like one of the things I’m most passionate about (I’m a dork) 

7. Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality. I’m a scorpio but since i was born on the 24th of october I’m a cusp w libra. I think that these signs reflect me very well, more so for scorpio obvi. but over time I’ve read that scorpios don’t really feel open about talking about certain things, they have trust issues, extremely sexual, jealous/possessive, they connect deeply… which are all things that really remind me of myself. I’ve been into astrology for as long as i can remember, so its a big deal to me lol.

8. A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life probably when i went to milwaukee, i did it alone, i paid for everything i went on a plane for the first time went to a hotel went in an uber lol all by myself. i really truly felt so amazing there, like nothing was stopping me and like if i can do this i can some day live in california on my own. its definitely one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life, not to mention, doing it all to see my favorite band from the fucking third row.

9. How you hope your future will be like i don’t like realistically thinking about the future, because i don’t really know what i want yet. but i guess i want to be in california with a steady income.

10. Discuss your first love and first kiss. my first love was Prince, when i listened to him it felt like i was hearing music for the first time, it was so unique to me. my first kiss was a drag tbh lol

thanks so much for asking dude, love ya! 💖💋

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure

[islesblogger]

NHL Trade Deadline 2019: The Aftermath

  What Happened at the Deadline?

Today was Lou Lamoriello’s first trade deadline day with the NY Islanders. From all indications he pushed a few offers, but could not find the appropriate deal to add to the Burger Barn’s menu. Something that has happened in Islanders Country a lot over the past decade of  deadlines.

Mike also details the day on the The Isles Faithful Podcast Episode 25.

The last splash was in 2006 when Garth Snow sent a bag of non-magic beans to Edmonton for Ryan Smyth. What he ended up with was poke check into the playoffs, and first round ouster by a superior Buffalo team. He didn’t give up much, and upon Captain Canada’s teary-eyed departure he didn’t gain much in return. Much like that day an adequate bargain was obtained. The Islanders gave up nothing, and got nothing in return.

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Why Did it Happen?

Lou has a relatively young first place team that is buying into a new system. They’re not only in first, but they are on a post learning curve trajectory that should keep them there. Even if other teams have improved themselves at the deadline, the Islanders GAVE NOTHING AWAY.

Their biggest assets are still mysteries. But what we do know of them is that they all fit into the current scheme. Most would think that Anthony Beauvillier would have been on the block for some of the bigger fish. But I also assume that there would have had to be some kind of extension behind a deal involving Beau. Lou would not have given away a 20G RFA with center potential for a rental.

The Islanders have been short on right handed defensemen for as long as I’ve been a fan… and that’s a pretty long time. The other two items on most price lists would have been Dobson and/or Wilde. You can flip a coin (it had better be three sided) because one of Pulock, Dobson or Wilde will be on a Norris list within five years. It’s too early to tell which one of the “prospects” will be on that list, so they’re both too valuable to be traded for a rental.

As I pointed out earlier this year, there were some names that were most likely available. Lou just couldn’t find the right mix of picks, those prospects, a target and a seller’s consent.

Where Are They Now?

The Islanders lead the Washington Capitals by two points, and have two games in hand. At this point it’s basically a three-horse race for first with Columbus making a late run. The Blue Jackets helped themselves immensely by not giving up any important roster players, and acquiring Matt Duchene,  Adam McQuaid and Keith Kinkaid. This very well could become a dogfight or a walkover in the next two weeks. The Isles’ schedule is littered with division rivals and they have two more games with Washington (3/1, @ 4/6) and Columbus (3/11 and @ 3/26). Those games will be paramount.  The final game against Washington could determine home team advantage for the first round.

Where Do They Go From Here?

There are a few paths they can go by,  but in the long run… they need to think of building a team for their new arena.  The first step in that is seeing what you have on the current roster.  

Some Questions About The Future

Where does Anthony Beauvillier fit in the Islanders’ future? Is he a top six wing? Can he be a bottom six center? Can he eventually replace a guy like Val Filppula? Can he become the next Butch Goring? Can he win a face-off? Will they ever use him to kill penalties?

Will Josh Ho-Sang ever get his act together? I’m not one who is going to say I know ANYTHING about Josh’s situation beyond what out on the surface. The young man has amazing talent, and when he throws that on the ice with full focus and the full effort of his physical abilities he’s a force. When he loses that focus, he has had some issues that keep him off the ice all together. I personally want to see him with guys like Ladd, Lee, Nelson and Beau. He has to earn NHL playing time to do that. Maybe there is one last gasp this season to see if they can put some trust in him. It will make a big difference to his first RFA deal, what they do with Eberle, and whether he is an Islander after June.

Is Michael Dal Colle a full time NHL player. He had a very good NHL showing. I think he earned a full time NHL gig next year. He might even make a cameo later in the season and possibly the playoffs. Does he have a “beast mode”. He certainly has showed it in the AHL, and he has shown plenty of “moments of confidence” against NHL vets. It will be fun to watch him evolve as a player.

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Off The IR

How do they re-assemble the puzzle with their returning pieces? I’m gonna push for the BrockLeeBar line until it happens, or they give us BrockHoLee. Lee and Nelson have been very good with Jordan Eberle, but they are not creating scoring chances at a first line clip. The Isles have been pretty good at 5v5 scoring (but not defending) over the past 4 years. They need a number one line again.

This year, neither top line has really stood out as a scoring threat. The Nelson line, however, has scored more than they have given up, and that is a rarity in recent Isles history. They need to shuffle that a bit. Andew Ladd will help that. I’m sure Trotz will be reluctant to break up what works with Lee+Nelson+Eberle. I expect to see it eventually. It could be a big boost in the second season.

Hickey will eventually be paired with an recent partner. It could be with Mayfield as a solid enough third pair. When that happens you can create a single offensive pairing that can defend the neutral and defensive zones as well. Everybody that has watched Bridgeport games for the last four years knew it had to happen eventually. Pulock and Toews for 15 minutes a night at 5v5. Make it happen!

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July?

We still have a handful of very important unrestricted free agents. Lou has passed the sell by date. Now he has a few months to sign them. No panic. My opinion… in order of importance.

Anders Lee. He’s their captain. He’s our captain. Don’t let two consecutive July’s mark the Islanders losing a captain. This one would be worse than the last one. All evidence points to Lee being an Islander through and through… so it would be on Lou if they lost him.

Robin Lehner was the biggest question mark when the season started. He has become the biggest exclamation point. He should be part of their goaltending future.

Brock Nelson. Even I thought he was a trade deadline goner in October. But Brock+structure+team buy in has been the biggest surprise of the season. If anybody thought in October that Lee, Nelson and Eberle would be the #1 line of a first place team raise your hand. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Brock has quietly (maybe invisibly) contributed 20G a year for 5 years. Now he’s in the locomotive, certainly not a passenger. He’s going to want conductor pay. Given the market for top six centers that can shoot and create from the forecheck, he’s going to get it. This is going to be a tough negotiation, but I think they come out with a solid 5 year deal.

Val Filppula. The Isles will have almost as many signed options at third line center next year as they did last year. None. I advocated for some AHL training for Beau, but that wasn’t popular. Now here we are. Val has been great. Way better than expected. They do not have another option ready in Bridgeport. Otto Koivula will get games next year, probably. You can’t rely on him yet. I think Val will be an early July signing after Lou gets to troll the waters a bit. If he lands Matt Duchene they are done. They have the resources to do it.

Post Apocalypse Outlook

All in all I’d say the Islanders came out of this okay. They go into the playoffs with a few new weapons to deploy. They also get to battle test some players with very little or no playoff experience. If they come out of it better players win win. If they win win, then Yes Yes Yes!!!

NHL Trade Deadline 2019: The Aftermath was originally published on islesblogger.com

[sol1loqu1st]

hi i want to talk abt foi bc its legit among the coolest things ive done; this is long as Fuck but the book is longer i just really wanna talk,, abt this,,

it’s a high fantasy set on the northernmost side of a huge desert (a sea borders its northern side; beyond the sea is a country filled with plains and forests)

there were seven tribes (i still need to look up definitions and see if thats the most accurate term for what im goin for; im thinking abt just using ‘city’ tbh but yknow) in the desert:

-the riches tribe, whose people could shape gemstones and metals (think metalbending but add precious stones in the mix; each person can only control one thing and ur power is usually decided by the stars or some shit)

-the elements tribe, who could control the forces of wind, fire, water, or stone (now LITERALLY think atla; powers are passed down genetically and a few people can control two elements if their parents controlled different ones)

-the land, sky, and sea tribes, who could control animals related to their tribe (land tribe ppl can also learn to turn into their favored animal, sky tribe ppl grow wings as toddlers, sea tribe ppl can breathe underwater & usually live in the sea on the northern border of the desert bc they dont do well on land; powers are decided based on the animals’ preferences – e.g. if ravens had a specific affinity for a kid in the sky tribe the kid would grow raven wings and be able to communicate with and eventually control ravens)

-the time and space tribes, who destroyed each other 60 years ago, and have the power to speed, slow, or even stop time during the hour of their birth, or manifest physical objects from glowing blue energy that makes up everything in the world (also can see in the dark, i guess?)

60 years ago, a huge war happened between the seven tribes, wiping out the space tribe completely (except for one person; more on that later) and destroying all but 200 of the time tribe, who repopulated to about 1,000, and ruining a Lot of stuff in the other five tribes. for the most part the remaining 5 tribes (minus the time tribe for Reasons) have rebuilt themselves but hints of the past war linger. no one is aware that the time tribe survived (they rebuilt their city FAR from the original location). the time and space tribes faded from public consciousness pretty quickly since all their historical records were destroyed; most of the knowledge about them now is legends and myths

in the present day, 5 children (one from each of the remaining tribes) who lost various loved ones to the same glowing blue knives (created, ofc, by the surviving member of the space tribe, ebon (…courtesy of 2012 me’s genius naming skills, they’re all gonna be like this it’s part of the aesthetic), though the kids dont know that or even recognize it as a space tribe power) are approached by an old man (guess who! its ebon) who claims to be the last surviving member of the space tribe and apparently has evidence that the time tribe is plotting revenge and theyre the ones that killed the kids’ families and he speaks of a supposed prophecy that 5 kids who the time tribe had stolen from are gonna defeat the time tribe once and for all

the kids (and at this point, hopefully the reader too) are the wrong kind of genre savvy, and believe they’ve been approached by gandalf or some shit, and each end up Accepting The Call

(meanwhile back at the time tribe, the king and his rebellious teenage son talk about the future of the time tribe. teenage son, midnight (heyy GUESS what hour hes able to use his powers) learns to use Time Powers that are suspiciously dissimilar to the ones ebon was talking abt the ppl from the time tribe being able to use. midnight uses his powers to get more sleep bc his dad kinda overworks the shit out of him bc like the future of this horrifically unstable and tiny city is in midnight’s hands, basically, and we learn that Its Dangerous bc if u get stuck slowing down/speeding up time after ur 1 hour is up u basically become Time Tobias and ur trapped like that Until You Die)

if uve made it this far i think its time for a proper introduction to the 6 protags of part 1 (another is added in part 2 but we’re not there yet)

-eagle, from the sky tribe, a Massive Fuckin Jock Who Loves To Sport. shes 14 and pretty athletic but tends to chicken out when shit gets tough and so never makes it to the Fly Sport Playoffs. shes a Massive Optimist at first but then she finds her parents dead (hint: it was ebon). she deals with this throughout the novel i hope im writing her well lmao because i wanted it to have a Legit Impact on her character and not just be angst. A N Y W A Y she instantly pegs ash and emerald as The Rich Kids (ash is legit a rich kid, emerald is just from the riches tribe where they traditionally sew gems and shit into their clothes) and judges em for it

-snake, from the land tribe, a 13yo, Lonely Autistic who loves reptiles. (ok i mean. this is high fantasy and im really not sure if autism is a diagnosis in high fantasy. ive done my absolute best to code her as autistic and she is in fact autistic i just dont say it in canon bc idk how to bring it up) ppl dont like her at first because she comes across as cold but actually shes like the most adorable fuckin dork youve ever seen shes great. she doesnt talk hardly at all unless shes Super Comfortable around the people shes with, which is a challenge for me to write but tbqh shes my absolute favorite of the bunch,, also her only friend ever was a thief named lore who was (supposedly) killed by GUESS FUCKEN WHO

-ash, the 14yo daughter of one of the 4 ruling families of the elements tribe. her family’s genetic power is fire but she could never figure it out (later she discovers her power is actually water; im…..still figuring out how that works genetically she might just be adopted lmao) ebon brought her the news of her parents’ deaths and managed to kill her little sister while her back was turned; somehow she does not suspect him. shes kind of a snob and doesnt really /get/ the rest of the group and comes across pretty rude at first. (also, she and eagle deal w their very recent grief very differently but idk her exact Grief Arc yet)

-emerald, who i think is? 12? 13? i cant remember but somewhere around there; shes from the riches tribe, was orphaned as a toddler and raised by supposedly extinct desert dragons (which are basically 12-20ft desert iguanas), which were all wiped out horribly by more of ebon’s shit space weapons. she lived with ash’s family for a while when they were years younger but eventually emerald got blamed for ash’s lack of control over fire and was forced to leave, she found the riches tribe and discovered that she could metalbend emeralds lmao. shes a storyteller and raises money for orphans now i guess

-shark, a scrappy homeless 10yo from the sea tribe who will steal anything shiny enough. he has pointy teeth and an eyepatch (which covers a golden sphere in place of his eye) and hes reckless as fuKC. he was too young to remember his parents but when questioned about it he remembers blue knives (GUESS WHO). hes pretty unaware that sharks are infact chaotic neutral sea predators who do not give a shit about him even if he can communicate with them and he starts the novel with a Pretty Serious Bite Injury™. he takes a lot of shit apart and puts it back together in horrifying ways. yknow sid from toy story? basically thats shark if sid lived underwater and was portrayed as a fundamentally good person

-midnight, the 16yo prince of the time tribe, a Rebellious Teen™ who doesnt want responsibility and has Horrible Insomnia. he thinks his dad is Evil And Controlling and probably listens to heavy metal behind his back (meanwhile his dad is actually pretty decent just busy as Fuck trying to keep the time tribe from accidentally inbreeding collapsing and trying to show midnight how to lead; hes overprotective but not evil). he broke a pattern of various people born at midnight/noon alternating every century and people think hes Destined For Greatness™ or some shit; he is having absolutely none of that will someone let this child sleep instead of waking him up in the middle of the night to practice magic

anyway yea thats p much all ive edited so far and tbqh i dont remember a whole lot of details but That Is My Book!

[thevagabondlog]

Ive been staring at this blank page for an hour now. I haven’t written a shred of anything in close to a year, but I feel like the current set of circumstances right now dictate it. Hermes guides me. I haven’t even written a draft by hand like I normally do, Im just letting this come out and it feels great.

The last two, maybe even three years of my strange trip on this planet have been such a surreal high paced blur. Ive come to realize that I do too much in too short a time, too many places visited, people met, things done in the dead of night and the overwhelming heat of the day. A few strings busted, a few hearts broken. Nothing out of the ordinary except the fact that my address is still changing every month and I’m still getting lost daily, both in reality and in my mind. Not that I’d change it for the world. I don’t even know who exactly reads this garbage but if you still are, know this is going to be a long one. Ive got a lot on my mind, time is on my side and there’s nowhere I need to be.

Everyday in the Caribbean is incredibly hot and sticky. Every night is mysterious and romantic.

Writing this is simultaneously difficult and surprisingly easy. Its difficult to explain whats been shredding through my head the last few months or however bloody long. Since I last attempted to write, if you can call it that, Ive since been through a serious and drama filled breakup with my long term girlfriend back home, been to seven countries including South Africa ( more on that later ), morphed back into the older Joshua Palmer and basically been running a permanent anarchic riot around the world. As I write now, its once again a hot day in the Bahamas and my head is still swirling with Ricardo Black Rum from the previous night. Special Edition, of course.

Church of the Open Sky.

April 5 - April 26, three weeks back in the motherland after more than a year and a half overseas. A lot of expectations held, almost none of them met. Im not quite sure why, but looking back now in June I realize i didn’t enjoy my stay there at all. Highlights include seeing my parents again (they wept) and one or two close friends who I’m not even sure are still friends at this stage. I came to realize I hate most of the people that fill up my tiny coastal hometown, largely due to the fact that they’re all hypocritical judgmental small minded people who have never been anywhere farther than the gas station in the next town. Keep in mind that these are the same people that said I’d never amount to anything and Id be back home after a month of failed traveling searching for a job running a yacht. Choke on your words. Anyhow, I also got told numerous times that I’d changed completely, becoming much more ‘arrogant’, ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’ etc to the people around me. I suppose in a way I was, but then everyone back in that place is easily offended and so narrow minded it makes me want to shoot myself. I suppose Im much happier over here, on my own and fending for myself, in foreign countries where I don’t know anyone, and all I know is where North-East is. The entire time I was back there, I couldn’t wait to come back to the West Indies. It feels good getting these thoughts down, they’ve been bouncing around my head for too long now.

I was dancing with some girl in a club a month or two ago and in-between reggaetron and soca she asked me a question no one has ever asked before: “Where do you consider home?” I really don’t know. Definitely not back in my hometown, I don’t plan on setting foot in that place for another twenty years at least. Its not on the boat either, nor on any of the islands. Id have to say home is wherever I feel alive the most. Which just so happens to be fifteen feet underwater looking up.

May 4 - Twentieth birthday in Georgetown, Exumas, Bahamas. Largely uneventful, frankly boring and unsatisfying. Mind you I was working at the time so of course the celebrations were minimal to non existent.

January 2017 - Current.

Adopted really strange sleeping patterns similar to a Russian insomniac writer fighting his bouts of suicidal depression with vodka and pharmaceuticals. I don’t know what this stems from other than my erratic lifestyle of mainly working onboard the entire day and still getting drunk at local bars into the early hours of every new day.

Right now its summer and every heat wave day is longer than the last.

I have lost interest in a lot of people who I once thought important. I do not know if this is selfish on my part or all just part of moving around constantly, or just one of those things you deal with as you get older. I have been told numerous times that I’m not going to make it past thirty, and for some reason or other I’m embracing the thought. Go out in a strange and mysterious accident of sorts somewhere out at sea, that place that once gave birth to me. Ill let you know.

For the past few weeks I have also had these increasingly frequent urges to just pack up, delete my Facebook and go completely off the grid, getting lost in strange and exotic foreign places. Lawrence of Arabia in Morocco. Not knowing the unknown is turning me on more and more everyday, as well as the idea of just giving the finger to all the people back home who are getting married young, stuck in nine-to-fives that they hate, and coming home to deal with the mortgage and car insurance people. I left the country the first time with no actual plan, one bag and sixty dollars in my pocket and I don’t regret a single moment. And I don't mean all those cliche travel pictures and utter bullshit you see on social media telling you to just ‘pack up and go’, I mean actually deserting myself. Exile on Main St. Highway Child. Midnight Rambler.

The lust for this has never been greater. I keep asking myself just what is holding me back?

My biggest fear is living a life just like everyone else, a life that no one remembers. Why should I listen to any authority or second guess myself? Time will tell and hopefully sooner or later. And if I’m not mistaken, and I surely hope not, I may have found someone to do it with. A woman unlike anyone else Ive met or ever known before. A woman who, somehow exceeds everything I think about her constantly and is basically the exact fibre of my dream girl since I was fifteen. Physically outrageous, a beautiful figure. Mentally, she keeps me on my toes only because I hope to somehow match her standards. Well travelled and with such an eerily alike mind to my own its more than possible we were once together in an earlier life. My best efforts of a description is a glorious hybrid of a gypsy, voodoo witch, mermaid, and the Goddess Aphrodite all in one. With a sprinkling of a rebellious 1960’s mindset which only turns me on further. Making love to her only broke my mind in two and made me question everything. She’s everything I ever wanted from every rock and roll song Ive listened to, and she’s in all of them. And believe it or not I only knew her for three days before she flew off again, once more traveling. While Im starting to feel a little stuck in this place. Most would say Im crazy, but I already knew that.

I do wonder what, and how exactly she’s had such an effect on me. It makes me look back at every other girl I’ve ever been with and realize that they do not even come close to her or the psycho-electric effect she has on me. And if you know me, you’d know I dont feel like this to anyone, ever. She’s touched me deep down, and the next few months or years or whatever only promise to be very exciting.

Im trying, and not succeeding very well, to look back at everything over the past few months and years, if you couldn’t tell by now. How many people did I meet for five minutes and never see again? Friends or lovers for one night and then gone the next day never to be seen? I look at what all my ‘friends’ are doing back home, studying in their first or second year. My best friend living with his fiancee and hating every second, constant fighting and the such but too scared to leave because he believes he loves her and well, believes he cant do any better. In love with the security and constant hard work I suppose. A friend through the grapevine told me recently that he has lost respect for me and hates the lifestyle I live. I wont lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt or taken aback. We’ve spent four years together, done much, and always confided in one another. Is he jealous of the knowledge that Im traveling the world, free and easy, able to go to the bar every night and dance with exotic girls while he is forced to come home after work to a nagging unloving bitch that makes his life hell? He would never admit that. Im not scared to tell it exactly how it is though. Another trait passed on to me from my father, whom I miss so.

If I had never made the decision to leave all those months ago would I be in the same position as my friend right now? Maybe. More than likely, I was in a long term relationship with someone I thought I loved, about to get sucked into that domesticated world before I jumped ship. Haven’t seen her since actually. Thanks for the memories girl, but you weren’t for me.

Life would be very different and it would bore me to death. I prefer dying in other ways in places where no one understands English.

Now my thoughts go back to my unbiological sister, we once were very close. Always looking after one another, often mistaken to be a couple but not. I thought I was in love with her too, but she’s changed so dramatically in the time I was away I hardly recognized her anymore during my homecoming visit. She lied to me many times in those three weeks, thinking I wouldn’t find out, and probably still thinking Im ignorant. Makes me wonder why we are like we are. She told me I changed a lot too and I’m no longer the Josh she knew, that I’ve grown cold and distant. Well look at yourself babe, can you really blame me? Its only further cemented my belief that you need to keep moving forward in such a way that they will never trap you or hold you down, until finally you find someone that you want to be trapped with. You know who you are.

“I thought you needed my lovin’, But it’s my heart that you stole. I thought you wanted my money, But you plundered my soul.”

[bootisimo]

ok so i dont care if im spamming my personal shit bc this is fucking tumblr & i need to just talk abt things

so im going to talk abt my best friend audrey. i havent had a best friend since around 7th grade (I’m a graduating senior this year) & my overall friend group has been really unstable & changes a lot, so I didn’t realize it at the time, but I haven’t made any deep connections in high school and it’s kinda sucked. Pair that up with me being super insecure because everybody talked about me behind my back in middle school and literally nobody outside of my group of 5 friends could stand to be near me (which I only learned around 2 months ago & it’s fucked me up so much, especiallyl because i was so oblivious & for all i know the same thing could still be happening), so I’ve felt very isolated and alone without realizing it for basically all of my scary developmental years. & then this new girl comes to school, and I meet her a the beginning of senior year! & she’s so wonderful and we click so well and after knowing each other for barely any time i felt so close to her and I was essentially drunk off of finally being close to someone again and she was all i ever thought abt bc i loved spending time with her so much! ((that sounds weird and obsessive but i promise im exaggerating i just kinda accidentally started idolizing her and absorbing her mannerisms bc thats what i always do)) & following my stupid fucked up pattern for people im clsoe to, i was all over her for a few months then i started doing that isolating thing and i convinced myself that her & the rest of my friends barely tolerate me (it didn’t help that this is senior year & shit actually did happen w two of my other close friends so my friend group is shrinking rapidlyl and i dont want to put effort into roping it back together), so I became really unhappy without realizing it bc i repress everything and i literally have so much trouble processing and actually feeling what’s going on around me . thats where my problems with derealization come from, because it crosses the line into literally not being able to say if im awake or in a dream, or if i exist or not, so how the fuck would i be able to know if i was happy or unhappy? im realizing tonight that ive been actually, truly depressed for an indeterminant amount of time, and that really scares me with the whole bipolar issue bc ive figured out that i cant live life without control. i need independence and control over my entire sense of self or i can’t cope, and its super unhealthy but its the only way i know how. and if im bipolar like im starting to believe i might be and like my therapist thinks is a definite possibility, then kind of by definition that means that i don’t have control, over my actions or my moods or my life, especially if it’s bad enought that i need medication. and judging by just how bad things have been recently, right when i start being able to feel my emotions without automatically shutting them down (so I’m feeling them to the full extent that i shielded myself from, in other words), i don’t think i can succeed, or even survive, on my own if this is what my daily life becomes. I’m losing my control right before I’m really going to need it, right before i turn 18 and go to college and actually need to take care of myself, and I’m so anxious about it that I constantly feel like I’m going to vomit, and like there’s a dumbbell sitting both on my chest and at the bottom of my stomach. when I repressed everything, i was always relaxed. i literally could not make myself stress or feel bad about anything, which is super unhealthy, but now it’s like i can’t make myself not be stressed, and i can’t reverse it!! I’ll try to feel like I used to because not feeling is so so so much easier than feeling, but it’s like I’ve forgotten how!! 

anyway part of the reason my relationship with audrey is so good and so bad is bc it’s super hard for me to actually talk to her, because I always struggle with guilt because of how easy my life is compared to my friends. feeling like i have things better than anyone makes me feel so guilty that i want to die, which is probably a part of the depressive episodes, so I’ll go through periods where I’ll talked to audrey but i literally wont’ say anything to her bc i feel so guilty about how much she has to deal with, and then it’s like we aren’t even friends anymore and its 100% my fault because I consciously pull away and just think about dying for a week or two and convince myself that i dont need or deserve any friends or anyone to talk about the issues im having with. when i actually do share things with audrey, i lover her even more, because she never makes me feel guilty for having things she doesnt, and she always reminds me to that im trying to be conscious of the differences in our lives, and she always makes me feel so good about myself because that’s the kind of person she is. she’s been through so much more than most people, and I don’t even know a lot of the details about her life. its amazing though not just because she went through it--it always pisses me off as a trans person when people tell me i’m “brave” just for living and transitioning, and i know she would feel the same if i thought she was amazing just bc she’s survived so much. but she’s amazing for how she deals with it, mostly. you can tell she has a lot of problems coping but she still always makes an effort to make people feel included, and to better herself, and to be fucking kind. I’m always so amazed by how kind she is and how little she deserves all the shit that life throws at her, and I dont say that to her bc it’s always uncomfortable when people tell you that, but I’m really starstruck by her. i very often just start thinking about what a genuinely caring, selfless person she is--not like me, who does everything because of the reaction that I anticipate from other people. when she’s kind, you can just tell that it’s because she wants to be kind and doesnt care about the consequences. she is a good person far deeper down than I am and its amazing to see that at work. I’ve actually been standing up for my beliefs and saying something when I think someone’s in the wrong just because I’ve been around her and I’ve seen her do that 

but the worst thing is that we met so close to the end of graduation. we just found out we’re all staying in the area next year but with my habit of suddenly dropping people for no reason, I can’t guarantee we’ll stay close, and that makes me so so sad because I genuinely think the more time I spend with audrey, the better a person I become. it’s hard to balance because I also make all my bad decisions with audrey because we fuel each other because w’ere so similar, so that makes it hard to. (haha we’re both geminis after all, and i dont believe in astrology but the idea that two geminis always have short, intense bursts of relationships, so they’re hard to make last, seems super accurate for us, and I’m afraid that tha’ts whats going to happen) 

anyway I’m just typing a lot because dear audrey gave me an adderall to take so i could last the night & not die, and it’s more than I normally take, so my focus on this post is so intense, and adderall makes you rambly anyway. it’s good to take a lot every once and a while though because just thinking things through in this focused, controlled but optimistic and basically unbiased outlook that adderall gives you can be super helpful--typing this out has actually been pretty similar to my therapy sessions, except nobody has to ask me questions and prod at what I say to interpret my thoughts. damn i hope i can get a prescription because i feel like this is exactly how people who can actually ge their work done and not drift off constantly feel like, and I feel like now that I know how adderall feels and how homework is actually feasible when I take even a small dose, like half of a 30mg pill, I can’t expect myself to keep fumbling through my academic life once it costs 20k per year, and when I’m not on adderall, I’m always, always fumbling and confused, no matter what I’m doing. I feel like I’m just realizing how much I need it, and the people around me aren’t as surprised because they’ve always seen it, because it’s literally always been there, but they just assumed I was disorganized and spacey, and when I say “I think I have ADHD,” theyre’re jsut like “oh, I never thought of that but now that you’ve said it I absolutely believe that, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.” It’s inhibited me enough in my life, especially in school, that in my freshman year all of my teachers called my parents in and told them to test me & my sister for ADHD, and the only reason it never happened is because there was a miscommunication and my mom thought the school had screend us for free, when me & emma have never ever seen a doctor about it 

things are jsut bad rn bc it’s like i stand on both edges of a really small planet. on one side is the adhd stuff, and the realization that if I get treatment, life could be a lot more possible for me than I ever knew it was possible to me. on the other side is the emotions that I’m not able to repress anymore (maybe it’s the bipolar vs the adhd, maybe not--again, not diagnosed, and definitely not self diagnosing). these emotins that I’m actually starting to be able to process are a lot worse than I ever realized they were, and it’s promising the opposite of the adhd side--that things could get much worse than I ever knew they could get, and that they’re already headed that way. 

sorry for making you all scroll past this thing, but it’s been really helpfulto be able to sort my thoughts out like this. I definitely feel like i just prepared myself to make progress in my therapy session on friday, at the very least. maybe things can actually be ok after all