#now a depressive episode is just looming over me ready to drop and she sends a weak apology

[sunnydreadfu11]

Just fixed my sleep schedule only for it to revert as soon as someone gives me bad news

[artificialqueens]

Flying Low Chapter 11 (Group Fic) - Jem

AN: so this one is kind of long, and it’s a different style and pace than usual but it felt right. Thank you for the feedback, I honestly live for it and it encourages me to write more.

Summary: Alaska does her best to navigate everything now that she’s home.

Chapter 11

It only took a week for Alaska to drive Jinkx crazy.

It also only took her a week and a half to kick Jinkx out. It had been what was right for both of them in the end, and Alaska was glad they’d been separated before they’d really fought and said things they’d both regret.

Her new cellphone buzzed by the minute. Sometimes it was Courtney, or Adore, or Michelle, all wanting to know how she was doing. She’d sent all of her friends back to their respective homes as soon as she’d arrived in LA, but they still checked in on her constantly. Alaska wanted to throw the device away, if she was being honest, but Jinkx had told her if she missed their daily phone call she’d send the cops to Alaska’s apartment.

“Did you go to therapy?” Jinkx had asked her today.

“Yes.”

“I swear to God Alaska if you’re lying to me.”

“I went, I promise.” She wasn’t lying. She’d been going once a week and she wasn’t sure if it helping really, but she knew she had to go if she was ever going to be allowed to tour again.

“And when I see you on Friday you’re not going to be thinner than the last time will you?”

“No, mom.” Alaska had assured her. That’s why it hadn’t worked out. As much as Alaska loved Jinkx, and as much as the other queen wanted to help, she became an overbearing weight on Alaska’s shoulders when she was living there. Alaska needed support, but she also needed at least an hour to be independent without someone assuming if she was going to off herself.

So they’d come to some kind of compromise. Jinkx called her once a day to make sure she was awake (alive) and they got together on Fridays in the afternoon for a couple of hours. It was still a lot, but even she had to admit that there was the ever-looming possibility that she was not ok all alone.

The apartment was suffocating sometimes, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave it except to go to her therapist’s office. And she was lonely, not that she’d ever admit it to Jinkx. She’d gone from being constantly surrounded by her friends to isolated with her own thoughts 24/7.

Brenda, that was her therapist’s name, suggested that she organize a schedule to hang out with people other than Jinkx, but Alaska was tired of schedules. Maybe it was bad that her life had barely any structure, but most days she couldn’t even get out of bed, let alone go through a routine. Brenda suggested a lot of things to which Alaska didn’t pay much attention. Group therapy was a solid no, as was telling her family. The woman had even had the audacity to suggest yoga. Ok, maybe Alaska was a bit hard on her. She meant well, there was just no way Alaska was going to go to a class full of suburban moms in leggings to do downward dog.

Her doctor had switched up her meds, but they only made her feel groggy. She knew her depression and anxiety had plummeted since the trauma but how were pills going to erase what had happened? Michelle asked her if she was ready to go to the authorities and Alaska hung up on her. Not her brightest moment upon reflection.

So things were still kind of shitty, but maybe they were moderately better? She missed working so she started sewing garments she’d probably never get a chance to wear. Everything was so quiet all the time. She wished she had a cat or something to keep her company without bothering her but also knew she’d forget to feed it. Hell, she couldn’t even feed herself more than pre-packaged meals and protein boosts. At least she was eating at all.

Then it was late one night, and she was feeling vulnerable and all she wanted was a fucking drink so she did what she knew was wrong and selfish and called Sharon.

“Alaska?” She answered right away even though it was 4am for her. Alaska wasn’t sure she would, because once she’d told Sharon to go home, her ex hadn’t even called once. Alaska didn’t know if she was sad or grateful about that.

“Will you come visit me?” She asked and she hated that she sounded desperate.

“Of course, I’m-” Alaska could hear her shuffling around. She was definitely in bed then. She probably didn’t want to wake up Chad. “I’m in Pittsburgh, but I can be there tomorrow.”

She almost protested, almost said that she didn’t have to rush and that she was fine. But she was tired and delusional and something in her didn’t care if Sharon had to leave her life behind at such short notice.

“Ok.” She said instead.

——-

Sharon arrived in the late afternoon the next day. She’d gotten the quickest flight she could manage from Pittsburgh. By then, Alaska was level-headed again, and it wasn’t that she regretted it, but she felt really fucking guilty.

Sharon told her she’d dropped her things off at a hotel nearby. That hurt Alaska’s heart a little bit, but it was for the best that she wasn’t going to be staying overnight with her. She opened her arms to hug her, letting Alaska come to her and she couldn’t help but find herself apologizing over and over in her arms.

“I’m sorry I called you, I’m sorry I made you come here.” She whispered, but Sharon didn’t let go.

“It’s fine, Lask. I told you, I’m here for you.” Sharon gently grasped the back of her neck, rubbing it gently and comfortingly. “I wasn’t lying.”

“How long can you stay?” Alaska dared to ask.

“As long as you need, as long as you want.”

Didn’t Sharon know that those were two very different things?

Alaska let her into the apartment properly, putting away Sharon’s beat-up leather jacket as she took off her shoes. She realized that in all the years she’d been living here, Sharon had barely even been by once. Since they’d broken up they really only saw each other professionally, despite the media label of “boyfriends to best friends”. Still, after all that time Sharon knew her better than anyone.

Sharon looked around, and Alaska found herself embarrassed of the mess. When they’d been together they were both messy with their drag, but the dirty dishes, clothes, and garbage told a little too much of what Alaska had been up to the past few weeks. Hint: not much.

“Is Jinkx here?” Sharon asked instead of addressing the chaos. She moved to sit on the living room couch, lifting up an old blanket and moving it over so Alaska would have room to join her.

“Oh, I guess I didn’t tell you. She moved back home.”

“Oh.” Sharon’s voice betrayed her concern. “Did something happen?”

“Nothing major. We fought all the time. I was a brat, like usual, and she was always there, always telling me to do something, and I couldn’t handle it. I love her, but it was a lot.”

Sharon just nodded, and Alaska couldn’t tell if she was upset with her for kicking Jinkx out.

“How are you doing?” Sharon asked and Alaska opened her mouth to answer before she was interrupted. “And not some bullshit about how you’re actually a lot better and you’re ready to tour again.”

“I’m ok.” Alaska said, and Sharon’s eyebrows furrowed skeptically. “And sometimes I’m not. I mostly feel numb a lot, because of my meds, I think. I know I’m not better, not enough to be working, but I feel really useless and really lonely here.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, I’m really glad you’re here.” Was there an awkwardness between them again? Alaska didn’t want that. She tried to assure herself that nothing had changed. So what, Sharon was engaged? It didn’t mean anything. She was still happy to help Alaska, right?

“Have you eaten lunch?” Sharon changed the conversation.

Alaska shook her head. She’d been feeling too nervous about Sharon coming over to stomach anything.

“Can I order something in here?”

They decided to get Japanese food and it was the first proper meal Alaska had eaten in awhile. She flipped on the tv and put on the Golden Girls, choosing episodes at random. Sharon laughed at her fondly and exclaimed that she hadn’t changed a bit. They settled in on the couch, and the awkwardness melted away.

Sharon indulged her just like she had when they were together, pretending to enjoy watching four old ladies making fools of themselves. Alaska spoke almost every line out loud; she knew them all by heart. They stayed like that for hours, and eventually Alaska found herself drifting off to sleep in Sharon’s lap. The TV continued to drone on, but it just became background noise, and Alaska was just so comfortable. She tried to stay awake, but Sharon told her it was fine, and gently stroked her hair.

When she woke up a few hours later, she was in her own bed, tucked under the covers, and Sharon was gone.

——–

Sharon was there the next morning, and the one after that. Soon enough, a few days turned into a week, into two, four, six.

Alaska never asked when the wedding was going to be, because she was afraid of the answer she’d get. She just relished in their time together trying not to think about how it had an expiry date.

They went to concerts and movies and took long trips to the grocery store, all the things they usually never had time for with shows and tours and albums consuming their lives.

Brenda told her she should be careful about her dependence on Sharon. Eventually she’d have to leave, go back to Pittsburgh and her fiancé.

“Do you think you’re going to be ok when that happens?” She’d asked Alaska.

Alaska quit seeing her after that.

Brenda wasn’t the only one who was worried about Sharon’s influence on her life. Jinkx had warned her against it on their weekly lunch date, and she’d told Michelle, who’d been quick to call in with her opinion. But Alaska was feeling the best she had in months, or even years, and it was no coincidence that her change in mood had to do with Sharon’s arrival in LA.

Their friendship wasn’t like when they’d been together. First of all they weren’t both fucked up on drugs and alcohol. There wasn’t the jealousy, the lying, the fighting that had filled their romantic relationship with turmoil. It was equal this time too; they were both successful in their own ways and neither of them had to give anything up for the other. Sharon knew Alaska better than anyone, and maybe that’s the main reason it worked. She was lonely and depressed, and she needed someone who’d support her, listen to her, but not coddle her. Someone who wasn’t so attached that she wouldn’t give her freedom but knew her well enough to read the signs and provide what she needed.

And maybe she missed the kissing and the sex a little–scratch that–a lot, and was reminded of it every second that Sharon was around, but it was better than being without her. They were friends, and that was enough. Sharon still left every night to go back to her hotel. She was probably paying a fortune for it, but Alaska knew better than to ask her to just stay over. She understood why Sharon had to draw that line.

“Michelle wants to go back on tour.” Sharon told her one evening as if she’d been dreading speaking. They’d been having fun all day doing some thrifting but Sharon always got serious at night.

Alaska took a moment to understand the tone of voice. She didn’t sound happy, shouldn’t she be happy? She finally got it. “Without me, you mean.”

Sharon nodded.

“I wanted you to know before it was all over the Internet.”

That hardly would have been a problem. Alaska had logged out of all her social media for fear of what people might be saying about her sudden drop off the face of the earth. It hurt a little bit that Michelle hadn’t told her herself but after the way Alaska had been treating her in their phone calls, she couldn’t really blame her.

“It makes sense.” Alaska said gently. And it did. The other girls had probably recovered just fine and it didn’t make sense for the entire world to stop turning just because poor old Alaska was still fucked up.

“Are you ok?” Sharon asked. Alaska was sure she’d know if she lied and said she was fine.

“Are you going to go?” She just questioned her instead. Sharon didn’t falter at the question and kept her gaze steady.

“I told her no, not until you’re back.”

Alaska’s heart swelled but she felt a little guilty. This was getting into dangerous territory. She knew she should ask why Sharon was putting her entire life on hold just for her, the messed up ex boyfriend, when she had millions of fans to perform for, music to write, a fiancé to marry. Why would she run from that?

Once again she kept her mouth shut. Was it bad that she hoped Sharon needed Alaska as badly as Alaska needed her?

———-

Sharon was with Alaska when Chad called. It wasn’t the best moment to answer, perhaps; Alaska had been in bed all day severely depressed and panicky and only recently calmed down. She’d been so much better but the flashbacks still hit her from time to time and all Sharon could do was listen and comfort her. However, she had been missing Chad’s calls all week and it was starting to weigh on her conscience. She excused herself to take the call in the kitchen, knowing that being around Alaska would be a bad idea.

“When are you gonna come home?” He asked, and he didn’t sound mad but his voice was distant.

“I don’t know.”

“I can’t do this Sharon.”

They were words that Sharon had secretly been wanting to hear but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

“I can do it when you’re away on tour, and you talk to me every day and I know I’m still the only one you’re thinking about.”

“That’s not fair Chad, I….” Sharon paused, leaning in the kitchen counter and letting the cold of the granite seep into her palm. “She needs me.”

“I know that, and I get that. But you can’t pretend your heart isn’t invested.”

Sharon didn’t think it was worth fighting. Maybe she didn’t even want to fight it. Chad wasn’t wrong, she cared a lot about Alaska, and it wasn’t something she could just control. “I’m not cheating on you, if that’s what you think.”

“Aren’t you, though?” Chad said a little bitterly, but he mostly sounded tired. “I doesn’t matter if you’re not fucking him, Aaron. You’re supposed to be here with me, but you’re not, you’re with him in LA and that’s not much different.”

“I love you.” That was all she could manage to say. She didn’t have an excuse, only those three words that were still true but held very little weight.

“You love him more.”

“I’m sorry.” And she was. Sharon was sorry that she’d been treating him like shit, running away without a proper conversation. She just wasn’t in it anymore, and he was right, her heart was somewhere else. She couldn’t regret the time she’d been spending with Alaska, but she could feel guilty about treating Chad unfairly.

“It’s ok… Well, it fucking sucks, but I’ll be ok.”

This was going to be a lot harder on him that it was on her. Chad’s voice was shaky as they said their goodbyes, and Sharon realized it sounded like he’d been crying before picking up the phone. But God, or Satan, or whoever was there controlling the universe, she just felt like a weight had been released from her chest. She supposed that was a sign that it had been destined to happen. Such an imbalance of happiness could never have lasted.

——–

Sharon went back to Alaska’s bedroom after the call. Her head was spinning with emotions, but the tension she’d been holding in her jaw and her neck for weeks had relaxed.

The younger queen immediately asked her what was wrong because of her strange demeanour.

“We broke up.” She said bluntly, but not sadly.

“Fuck Sharon, I’m sorry.” Alaska cursed. “It’s not because…?”

“It’s not your fault; it was mine. It was a long time coming, I just didn’t want to see it.” Sharon sighed and chuckled bitterly at herself. “I’ve been here for weeks and I haven’t once wanted to go back.”

“Where are you gonna go?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence fell over them, and Sharon bit her lip. When she looked up, Alaska was looking at her through her lashes. Even without fake ones, they were long and pretty.

“You could stay here.” She suggested, and it was a heavy statement. Sharon neither accepted or declined but instead came to sit next to Alaska on her bed. Would it be wrong to kiss her only minutes after breaking off her engagement? Yes, probably, maybe? The voice of reason in her head was getting quieter.

Alaska leaned in Sharon’s direction until she could feel her breathing against her cheek. “In fact, you should stay here.” She whispered into Sharon’s ear, and she really didn’t think she was strong enough to resist. Despite being sweaty, with unwashed hair and yesterday’s clothes. Alaska was kind of fucking beautiful. Her blue eyes were hooded with desire as they met Sharon’s, and her full lips formed into a pout.

Fuck. The electric current in the sliver of a gap between their faces was multiplying by the second.

Sharon finally closed the space between their lips, gripping onto the sides of Alaska’s face gently. Maybe they were going fast, but somehow it was like they had been together again for weeks. No, they hadn’t been intimate, but Sharon wasn’t foolish enough to think she didn’t know Alaska intimately because of the time they’d been spending together.

The younger queen was wearing mint Chapstick, and it was so familiar to Sharon that it brought her back. She remembered that her lips would crack and bleed without it, and it seemed that hadn’t changed. Sharon nipped at Alaska’s bottom lip, which was quivering gently against her mouth. She let out a whimper, obviously wanting to be closer still.

The brunette’s hands wandered to her shirt, slowly pushing it up her torso and pulling it over her head. Alaska’s hips ground into Sharon’s and she could tell she was hard even though they were both wearing jeans.

“Are you sure?” Sharon asked between kisses. “Because I need you to be sure.”

“I am.”

“You have to tell me what you need.” She couldn’t be taking advantage of Alaska when she was weak. She needed to know that she wasn’t gonna wake up in the morning and regret it.

“I need you.”

Sharon took it slow, which was something they never used to do. Though the sex had always been good, it had so often been angry and hard and fast. They knew each other’s bodies so well but now they had to learn all over again. She tried to be careful, testing every step and every touch with utmost care. She reached for the bottom of Alaska’s shirt, tugging on it gently but the other queen grabbed her hands to stop her.

“I’m sorry.” She apologized. “Can we leave it on?”

“Of course.” Sharon said without malice. “Thank you for telling me.”

They continued in that routine. Sharon would go slow, and Alaska would tell her what she could and couldn’t do. Maybe it added an awkwardness to something that should be natural, but the reality was that the trauma Alaska had endured was anything but natural. They just had to work around it, and and Sharon learned the Operation Board of where to touch and where to avoid on Alaska’s body. (Forehead, Mouth, Stomach: Good. Chest, Wrists, Throat: Bad). Neither of them could afford to get shocked. Soon enough, Sharon was on her knees with her lips around Alaska’s cock and they were both moaning. The skinny queen had her head thrown back, completely overwhelmed by Sharon’s mouth bobbing up and down her length. Sharon could feel her surrender against her, and there was something about knowing that Alaska trusted her enough to give up control that only made Sharon ache for her more. She unravelled screaming Sharon’s name, and it was familiar and right.

After Alaska came she pulled Sharon up to kiss her, hard, and trailed her fingers down her chest. They switched positions, and Sharon found the back of her knees pressed up against the bed where Alaska had just been moments ago. The younger queen began to place kisses down her bare torso until she reached the waistband of her jeans. Then she froze.

There were many things she couldn’t do anymore that she used to when they were together. Alaska had asked not to have her hands restrained, and they’d both decided penetrative sex would be too much tonight. Even still, Sharon could see her getting frustrated with herself. Her hands were shaking as she fumbled with Sharon’s belt, betraying her anxiety.

“Baby, baby stop.” She grabbed both of Alaska’s hands and pulled her to her feet from her kneeling position. She looked her right in the eye. “We don’t need to, it’s ok.”

“But you did it for me and I want to be able to do it for you.” Alaska was almost in tears, her whole body quivering.

“Woah there, woah there, I think it’s time to stop.” She wrapped the taller queen in her arms, pulling her face into the crook of her shoulder.

“Fuck… I’m sorry Shar.” Alaska choked.

“No need to apologize. We’ll get there. Or if we don’t, that’s ok too.”

“I want to make you feel good too.”

“You do make me feel good.” Sharon reassured her, placing a kiss on Alaska’s soft brown curls. “We have all the time in the world to figure out what works.”

Sharon pulled her over to the bed, tossing her down gently onto the duvet. She stood up quickly, and Alaska whimpered as they lost contact.

“One sec,” Sharon reassured her. She shuffled around the room until she found what she’d been looking for: a huge, fluffy navy-blue blanket. She brought it over to the bed, wrapping it around Alaska’s shoulders.

“You don’t want to sleep in jeans, do you?” She asked the younger queen, who looked tiny, engulfed in the large throw.

Alaska drowsily kicked off her pants so she was just in boxer briefs and a t-shirt. Sharon took off her own jeans too but didn’t bother with a shirt. She snuggled in underneath the covers with Alaska, reaching out her arms before stopping and saying, “can I hold you?”. Alaska nodded and huddled into Sharon’s side.

The puzzle clicked.