#now that my other blog's gone ;; idk i did it so i could feel better

[juniperskye]

Remember That Night.

Sneak Peak: Hotch reaches out to you five months after breaking your heart. Based on the song Remember That Night by: Sara Kays

Aaron Hotchner x GN! Reader

Angst

Word count: 1095

I wrote this in an hour soo…. it’s not edited - please be kind. Requests are open and feedback is welcome if it's constructive!

Warnings: My blog is 18+, minors DNI, not use of y/n, some language, implied smut, talk of heartbreak, some mention of toxic-ish relationship, reader and friends are all left gender neutral, idk ummm bad writing – lol. Let me know if I missed any!!

I do not consent to having my work translated or reposted to any other site. That being said I do not own the characters portrayed in this story.

He had broken things off just over five months ago. It had been out of the blue and you were devastated. The day after he said goodbye you had felt paralyzed, things had been so good, so how could Aaron be so okay with walking away? You had a hard time grasping onto reality after he left, so much so that all you did was lay in bed and cry. You had ignored all the incoming texts and calls from your friends for a few days, finding it impossible to leave your bed. But as time went on, you could feel things returning to normal, you started to feel joy again.

When Aaron first broke things off, you were sure you’d never heal. You were certain that he’d been the one, but after one month, you started to move on. You had started going out with your friends again. You had allowed yourself to be open to meeting someone new because things were good, and you were happy. You could return the smile of the handsome stranger at the supermarket because it no longer riddled you with guilt. Instead, that smile sparked something inside you, hope.

One month had been good for you, and after two, you felt alright, truly. Every once in a while something would come up and your thoughts would return to Aaron, but it was happening less and less. For that you were thankful. Your friends had set you up with someone and the date had gone well, he was nice enough and he made you laugh. So, when he asked you out on a second date, you didn’t hesitate to agree.

Then three months in, he was off your mind. Aaron hadn’t crossed your mind in quite a while. You felt good and things with this new guy were going pretty well, you weren’t sure if anything serious would come of it, but honestly you didn’t care. It was nice to be dating again and to have someone who was around. 

 And month four and five, you were living your life, you were better and didn't have to try not to think of Aaron. You had just moved to a new apartment and gotten a promotion at your job; the pieces were finally falling into place. You felt good about things and tonight wouldn’t be any different.

Your friends were throwing you a sort of housewarming/congratulations dinner party! You had put on your favorite outfit while they set the table beautifully and waited for the rest of your guests to arrive.

The night went on full of laughter and so much love. You were so grateful to be surrounded by so many people who cared about you and who celebrated your success with you. The group of you were a few bottles of wine in when a ping from your phone caught your attention. The notification had stolen the breath from your lungs.

You had been fine. Great even, that is, up until now…'til he reached out and said, "Remember that night?". You didn’t need any further explanation; you knew exactly what night he was referring to. It had been pretty early on in your relationship, Aaron had gotten home late from a case and you went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning he kissed you, it was pouring.  You held each other tight, before the night was over he looked over his shoulder. You had known exactly what he needed, and you hadn’t hesitated. That night you had climbed into the backseat of his SUV and let him have his way with you. It had been clear he needed to let off some steam and who were you to deny him. You’d never forget that night…but you hadn’t thought of it in a while.

Your friend had immediately seen the shift in your mood and gestured for you to go with them to the kitchen. Gently grabbing your arm to guide you there.

“Babe, are you okay?” They asked.

“Oh, I was doing fine until he said, “Remember that night?”.  “Remember that night?" are you kidding me? I haven’t seen him or heard from him in five months, and he texts me that? That’s so fucked. I was finally moved on, hadn’t even thought about him. Oh, I was doing fine he said, "Remember that night? Remember that night?".” You couldn’t help but wave your hands around as you explained the situation to your friend.

“Are you kidding me? Babe do not reply to him, he’s not worth it. Did you want me to stay with you tonight?” Your friend offered.

You shook your head, wrapping your arms around yourself in hope of finding some sort of comfort. Your friend wrapped you in a hug and made their way outside to start cleaning up and hinting to the rest of your friends it was time for them to go.

That night you hadn’t slept a wink. You tossed and turned, your thoughts racing through your mind, feeling completely unsure of how to proceed. The day after he had reached out you were broken for the second time around. You barely made your way to the couch, thankful that you had the weekend to sulk before needing to return to work on Monday. You prayed on the third day that you would be okay, that you'd forget he was ever yours.

You felt so frustrated with Aaron, how could he be so inconsiderate. To text you after all this time and ask you about a night you shared together. He broke up with you, he broke your heart. The more you sat with it, you started to think; “Oh, I don't think you realize How long I had to fight to be living my life To be better and never have to try Not to think of you until you reached out And said, "Remember that night?" We went for a drive, 2:30 in the morning I kissed you, it was pouring We held each other tight before the night was over You looked over your shoulder Oh, I was doing fine You said, "Remember that night? Remember that night?".” Aaron was probably reaching out because he was thinking about himself and how he was feeling, and not how his actions would affect you, which had been a constant issue in your relationship. As much as you wanted to reply to him, you decided against it, but that didn’t stop the memories from flooding your brain. As much as you didn’t want to, you definitely did, remember that night.

[thisisntevenmyfinalblog]

I like Hazbin so far, but I do feel like we could’ve gotten a show with a lot more nuance and depth and less jokes about SA if it was written by someone other than Vivziepop, because let’s be honest… the best parts of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss are fanmade or written by other people

For example, the song Addict is honestly one of the most iconic and popular songs related to Hazbin Hotel, but it’s a fan song.

The Helluva Boss Pilot was better than Hazbin Hotel’s Pilot (subjective) because it was actually written by someone else.

You can still like HH and HB just fine, I don’t care, but people keep defending Vivziepop like she’s this saint who has done no wrong, and attacking anyone who says anything critical abut her.

Anyways, Hazbin is okay. It’s kinda average, but it’s still enjoyable that I wanna keep watching. I love Sir Pentious, hate how he was treated in Episode 6, and hey, if I get sent death threats or smth I might as well say all my opinions right now so you all can get them out.

The writers don’t know how to write women like Vaggie or Cherri Bomb

Alastor is overrated and overhyped. He could use more personality, and more screentime doing ominous and tricky things, instead of just “shows up, says threatening line, refuses to elaborate, leaves”

People in heaven acting just as bad as people in Hell (like Adam) is not a good or unique take. Good Omens has done it, and they’ve also done it better. I did like that Adam leading the exterminations was something that not everyone knew about, but I don’t think Sera should’ve known about it either. Idk exactly, but I would’ve gone about it in a different way.

Bringing back the writing women thing, I also think Charlie’s writing can be handled a little poorly from time to time. The only thing keeping her afloat for me is that she is to Rapunzel what Hellsa is to Elsa.

I hate Mimzy’s design. I don’t know why.

Actually kinda liked Lucifer just being a weird dad, but he’s should have a better redemption arc before all that.

Not Hazbin Hotel specific, but why are shows so afraid of having more than 15 episodes in a season now? I know they want to cut out filler because they no longer need to run for a certain amount of time, but honestly? Hazbin Hotel needs more episodes. It needs more time to flesh out its story, and this honestly applies to a lot of other shows whose stories could’ve been great if not for streaming.

Stephanie Beatriz is a great actress so use her better. She did amazing as Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and Vaggie is… (no offense) just another of the badass Latina stereotype. Also, she is an amazing singer, but the super high octave in her and Carmine’s song did not do her voice any justice. It does not need to be that high, you can bring it down an octave or two.

I probably will have more complaints as more episodes come out. We’ll see. I still enjoy watching the show, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not perfect. Receiving criticism doesn’t mean it’s a terrible show, just that it has room for improvement.

If you read this far, thanks. I had to make a blog because I don’t have any other socials to say anything abt it on.

[adelrambles]

Idk if you’ve ever fully answered this on your blog but: DO YOU THINK Bishop fully redeemed himself in the future? By becoming president and uniting all races? Or is he still 🗑️

Oh man no, I don't think Bishop's Good Guy act is all that genuine. I think there's some change, but at his base, beneath all the subterfuge, he's still the same guy. I may have gone over this on the blog before, but like ey what am I gonna just get handed this opportunity to ramble ad nauseum and not take it? NEVER

There are a few pieces of evidence we can read into regarding the faux-ness of Bishop's new persona. First and foremost, for me, is the two instances where he presents the turtles with his "origin story," so to speak. In each instance, he keeps the details vague, and is very hesitant to admit to any direct wrong-doing on his part. The first story is so vague on the details that it feels like he's trying to brush past the turtles' concerns as quickly as possible. The SECOND, though. Bishop consistently dances around going into any detail about what he did or why it was wrong. And he goes on to push all of the blame onto Stockman! I mean honestly, he says Stockman "took things too far." Like dude!! We already know nothing is "too far" for you! It's very suspect to me that the subsequent lab collapse could have been ALL Stockman's fault. Bishop also elevates his own accomplishments and takes full credit for the success of the PGA. Idk but there's something really insidious to me about how he presents the information to make himself look as good as possible-- and the way he's able to convince at least a few of his former enemies that he's trustworthy.

There are other little inconsistencies in his behavior, like him writing off the turtles' warnings about Sh'Okanabo. The Bishop I know is a paranoid freak, he would never in a million years brush off a lead on a possible threat without checking it at all. And if we assume that, then that suggests Bishop said as much to give the turtles the impression it wasn't something worth looking into, meaning he was probably trying to direct their attention away for some reason. All of this tells me (if we just. ignore the possibility of it being a writing flaw agdhgshd) that Bishop is still a very cold and calculating personality, fully willing to throw others to the wolves for his own purposes, but he is WAY better at manipulting, now.

I've said before that I find it likely Bishop's weakest point is his social skills; we see that his superior officers (i.e. the president) dislike him-- which, frankly, is a detriment to his cause as it put his funding in jeopardy at least once that we know of-- and everyone he meets tends to come away some level of discomfitted. So what FF presents us with is a Bishop who needed to improve these skills for the sake of his ultimate goal. If the safety of earth requires friendly relations with aliens, then he needed to become an ambassador, and if he needed to become an ambassador, then he needed to be less overtly unpleasant. Thus, he changed tack. As a result, we have someone who appears trustworthy and is very good at lying and directing your attention, but is just as utilitarian as ever under the mask. That's just his job, after all.

Other details include:

- His intro. We see Bishop personally taking time out to go through monitors all over the city. He apparently has a very thorough surveillance system that he reviews himself. Again, paranoid freak.

- When addressing the turtles, we sometimes see him slip back into snarkier comments. This usually happens when he's frustrated (snapping at them for not attacking the Mouser fast enough for his tastes,) or when he's not being obeyed (making a snide comment about Cody having nightmares when they refuse to exclude him from a mission briefing.)

- As my friend Trauma pointed out to me recently, when storming the moonbase Bishop's men had their guns defaulted to lethal force, he had to give the order to switch to non-lethal. He was fully ready to wipe that place out.

- His willingness to include the turtles and later Cody on missions strikes me as, yknow, very utilitarian in its own right. Cuz those are teenagers, yeah. It could be argued that Bishop can't tell how old the turtles are but he definitely knows Cody is young, and knows well enough that he shouldn't be in a combat situation. But in the finale he praises Cody's decision to defy him and fight anyway. So what changed? In essence, Cody was effective. Bishop is fine with child soldiers as long as they do a good job (and can't be publicly traced back to him.)

Also like did you see that car chase? He ran civilians off the road and did not give a FUCK. That's the same guy.

[alchemicaladarna]

Welp. The day is here. The final day of the qsmp.

And um. I think I kept this blog mostly positive throughout it all. So you guys don't mind if I rant for just a little bit if that's ok.

Yes, I do feel sad and melancholic about everything, as well as nostalgic for the good old memories, but idk I can't help but feel bitter and angry and toxic about today and I'm trying so hard not to.

Like I'm trying to look on the bright side right? No one's truly gone. The people are still there, the relationships they have formed on the server, even from across the world will always remain.

We'll probably have more Etoiles playing valo with Foolish and Tina, more Fitpac stardew valley streams, more Fruit Mountain tournaments, etc. and maybe in the future everyone, including the ex admins can reunite in a huge lobby and play games together (qsmp jackbox pleaseee)

And we have so many good memories and good outcomes from the qsmp, because without the server, we'll still have this seemingly impossible to overcome cultural divide between everyone, and I think it did accomplish its goal of uniting communities. But...you know.

I can't help but feel bitter and angry today because I've continued to hold on to hope that things will get better. And like, at the beginning of the year I really thought the qsmp was gonna last like. 2? 3 years at most maybe? And with how passionate everyone was about the project- the fans, CC's, especially the admins- it really felt like the server could go on forever. But. Here we are.

And I want to tell myself that it's inevitable all things come to an end, but I think the reason why I feel so bitter is because it didn't have to end this way and so soon.

We could've had more stories, more lore, more communities, more people. More memories. And I know I should be grateful that we got so many good memories in the first place and we'll still make new and better memories, but I also can't help but feel everyone was robbed of so many good things.

And the worst part is we'll probably never know exactly why it had to end. I believed with all my heart that things could be fixed you know? And just like that it's over and we'll never know why.

I'm not entitled to the details. I don't need to know. It's not mine, nor any other fan's business to speculate.

I'll make peace with all of this and put that question to rest someday- we all will, I think. But for now, that question of why will always stick with me in the back of my head.

And I'm sorry, but I am angry. And I am bitter. And I am sad. I'm grateful and I will always look back on this server with fondness...

But not today. And I don't know, or necessarily want anything to come from this post, but I hope I'm not alone in feeling this way at least.

[donnerpartyofone]

idk if it was on this blog or your film blog but i think i remember you posting about loop track (2023) and im watching it right now!! what do you like about it?? this is a fully genuine question and im sorry if i seem weird, im enjoying it too but im interested in your thoughts

It was me, and I mentioned it on both blogs! I'm gonna answer under a break because I really feel like people who appreciate oddball genre fare will do best to go into this blind, like I did. So anyway:

I didn't know anything about LOOP TRACK and I'm not usually turned on by movies about people who are lost and stalked in the woods (unless they're excellent of course, a good movie is a good movie). To me these things are like any other one-set premise where the aesthetics are really limited and the emotional expression is also pretty basic: entrapment, hysteria, etc. But in this case I was immediately magnetized to the performance of writer-director-star Thomas Sainsbury. I found his performance of anxiety really convincing and fascinating; without having the script tell me too much about what this guy is going through and why, I found myself studying his face and his movements intensely for information. Furthermore, as someone who will hide from people I know and like if I see them in public and I'm not prepared to interact, I find this type of pathologically fearful character extremely sympathetic. The way the film is shot compliments his performance with an atmosphere of extreme, suffocating dread, and when Sainsbury starts to perceive the presence in the woods, LOOP TRACK doubles its power. I love the way we are enticed to scan the woods with him for the dark shape, how it's never comfortingly clear whether you are really seeing the presence along with him, or whether your eyes are just organizing random visual elements into a kind of hallucination. (Incidentally I think a similar thing is achieved by IN A VIOLENT NATURE)

As you may or may not have discovered, some viewers who enjoyed the first 80% of the movie simply could not hang with the big reveal. I was not one of them! Yes, I was DEEPLY SHOCKED by the appearance of the big black bird. Yes, I found it starkly campy and even somewhat hilarious. But at the same time, a) I loved the design of it, very handsome and unexpected monster, and b) I admired the guts it took to make a movie like this, immersing the audience in an experience of grim terror only to whip out these kooky creature feature shenanigans at the end. Actually I must say that I thought the final showdown would have gone better if the monster build just weighed more; as it is, you get a pretty strong impression of a mostly-empty fursuit that doesn't feel as meaty and violent as it should just because of the obvious weight issue. But still, I didn't care; I was amazed by Sainsbury's wacky gambit, and by the fact that he took it so seriously! You really do not see movies like this every day, if ever. I couldn't take my eyes off it.

Anyway. I hope you enjoyed the rest of the flick, and even if you didn't, thanks for asking! I appreciate it.

[dirty-osc-confessions]

Coming back to copy-paste my confessions for the background of my anon sona. The concept of an "anon sona" is kinda crazy esp since I can't share it on Tumblr bc my style is somewhat recognizable to those who know it, and part of the name is being anonymous. I guess it's better to have "🫳🫴🦷 anon" be the person tied to my words than my main blog/image.

I've been quietly using that emoji combo for at least a year before I was even on Tumblr though, so if any of my close friends ever get Tumblr and find confession blogs I'm done for.

The only place I think I can safely put the art itself is the main oscconfessions blog's discord, but the link expired, so I'm trying to be patient to wait for the meetup to end so I can beg for a new one. Honestly, it being closed right now hurts rrgfghg.

5 hours on my Freaky Tooth drawing so far. If anyone wants to see it, I can send it in the inbox, and as long as it's deleted eventually, I'm good. The want to show off art is slowly arguing the style recognition argument away

Something to confess while I'm here, the months Airy was gone in hfjone makes less sense the more I think about it.

Food & water are the basics - based on the assumption that hfjone follows the same rules/standard of other object shows, objects need to at least eat to survive. Furthermore, we can see that there are restaurants in the osc version of San Francisco, and if not that, there's at least a bar. Alcohol as a beverage was made through wheat products, which were only harvested for the purpose of food in the first place. There's always the possibility with that that in this alternative timeline, beer/alcohol was made later on in the modern age through experimenting with brain chem's reaction, and in this case, I present water. In the hfjone investigations, much like in a real police questioning scenario, each of those who give testimony are offered water. This is to build rapport, but I don't have time to go into criminal psychology (as much as I'd love to talk abt it, this is an osc confession), so instead I'll say for the sake of argument that water IS essential to an object living.

Where did they get the water during that time??? Sure, there was the swimming pool, but I doubt they'd do that for months without making some form of cup. Slurping up water WHILE SWIMMING IN THE WATER is a terrible idea, you will get another Liam scenario. (Also feel like the water level might've gone down a bit, but who cares.)

Food??? I think at this point, they still had Whippy Creamy, but whipped cream is not a viable source of nutrients. ALSO, there's an issue with quantity. Do you really think one tub of whipped cream could sustain a group of more than even ONE object for that long??? Idk, maybe they just started eating tree bark from those trees we see in the challenge to "run to the tree and back".

I have less of an issue with Airy's version of this. There was probably some wildlife/edible plant life around he could get in a decade.

I mean. You could always just. Moldy is still a piece of bread, and if you cut off the moldy bit, you might be able to last a bit. They didn't do that though, sucks to suck not to resort to cannibalism in basically a stranded island scenario. Speaking of, object anatomy, yeah? Weird stuff, but I'll talk about that some other time.

Still enjoy hfjone. I don't have anything vitriolic to say other than I still hate bfdi with all my heart and soul. Love all the algebraliens, though ♡

I didn't double-check any of my claims here, but I think rewatching all of hfjone/the investigation tapes earlier this month is still fresh enough in my mind to talk about.

I find Pi and Animatic are those I'm most 'down bad' for. Jjjjjesus I didn't plan on this being an nsfw consfession though, and it's already getting quite long as is.

xoxo, 🫳🫴🦷 anon (freaky tooth)

wow, interesting stuff. is there a history of adhd in your family?

[alegator]

hiii everyone :D i miss tumblr so bad and the ability to make long form blog posts ugh twitter is not the same plus the site and app are literally so shit. even though the tumblr app is not much better sometimes!! ive decided i want to post more on here to continue my little virtual diary…. I love the tagging system and most of all, love being able to look back and read my own updates!!! it’s crazy how it can help me recall the exact feeling of that moment… it feels special :) Twitter is great for quick fleeting thoughts so i wanna make lengthy life posts on here as a little time capsule, so i can have fun looking back and reading all my posts 10 years from now (if this site still exists. but i joined in 2011 and its still here so who knows). plus ive been posting my entire life on here for YEARS so who cares i will be vulnerable and over share and shit!!!!!! as is tumblr tradition… fuck it if youre my cousin on my homestuck side you can have my SSN.

moving on, here are fun life updates:

- celebrated my 11th anniversary on Feb 14th with the love of my life, Tenma!!!! i have been affectionately calling it the 7/11 anniversary since it’s been 11 years together, but also 7 years married 🤯 it actually fucks me up so bad that 2017 was 7 years ago like. genuinely lol FUCKKK HOOWWW 2017 should’ve been like 3 years ago. we choose to get married on the same day Tenma asked me out, which is also Valentine’s Day, and it was the best decision of all time for SO many reasons. maybe i will make a fun big post detailing those thoughts that another time!! we spent our anniversary day trying out a new coffee spot (so cute and SO pink omg), taking photo booth pictures at a new spot, exploring cute shops, and having an insanely delicious set menu i think maybe 6 courses? at a very fancy restaurant. i think 3 years ago we tried a new restaurant on our anniversary w their set Valentine’s Day menu course and it was so good, fun, and the best way to try out new foods so we’ve kept it going and i LOVE IT!!!!! i am already excited to see what tenma picks out for next year lol. finished the night by watching In The Mood For Love at our favorite local movie theater and i LOVED the movie, the whole end until bedtime we were just talking about it and dissecting it together. i love our life!!!!!!!!!

-tenma and i went to disneyland at the end of February for our anniversary trip!! ive gone before but they haven’t. IT WAS SO FUCKING FUN i am not a Disney fan at all but i love disneyland idk it’s just fun as fuck… um my feet were fucked afterwards lol but so worth it. one day at disneyland and the next at California aventure i wanna go back already but most importantly, tenma was already talking about wanting to go back and that makes me so happy bc it means they really enjoyed it!!! yay!!!! they even went on rides they thought were really scary just so we could try them together just once and that filled my heart with joy. then we also got to meet my online friend and had hotpot together. DELICIOUS i want to go back and explore LA next time and see more friends!!!! we are maybe planning a trip to San Fran in a few months though as the consulate is there to get my passport so that will take priority over any other trips☝🏼

-I GOT MY GREENCARD YEAGHHRHRHFJF!!!!!!!! ok actually i got it last year lol i wasn’t sure if i should put that on here but actually im so happy so fuck it!!! and then we celebrated by having a fancy dinner and I shared the news w the waiter who said he also did the same process w his wife! and yes i cried when i got my greencard idc i am HAPPY! crazy bc i got DACA for the first time in 2013 and then in 2023 i got my greencard… it’s been a fucking rollercoaster. and tenmas been there literally every step of the way…. Tenma is my rock I love them so much im crying typing this bc of how much i love them and how much they always support me and augnfngnfmg

-concerts this year have been Sonic symphony, kikuo/bo en/gus, Hannah Diamond, and hatsune miku (mikuexpo 2024)!!!!!!!! i loved all of the concerts genuinely so fun and next month i am taking my youngest sibling to a concert of a guy I don’t know but they love him so we will go and have a blast 🫡 idk if I’ll buy more tickets to more concerts but even if I don’t, it’s been a really really good year concert wise and i got to experience so many fun shows i never thought i would see live before!!

-spent time with lovely friends and celebrated old friendships and new ones yaaaay i love my friends and im blessed to have a good support system and I can’t wait to see what new friends I make in the future….

-I have a cold rn and took nighttime meds and unfortunately they are starting to hit so it’s time to say goodnight to tumblr…

If you read this far ummm ok weirdo… lol just kidding but i will try and post my lil life updates and pics more often so that not all my posts are like. months worth of writing… or maybe I won’t and the next time I make a post will be in a year idk!!!! this site is full of so many memories both good and bad and it’s dear to my lil heart, even if the feel isn’t the same since everyone mass migrated to Twitter, I want to come back here more often and make new memories whenever I can. goodnight 💤

[literaphobe]

eh idk if you'll publish this but i wanted to rant about mcc and competitive gaming rly bad, sooo,,,, while i enjoyed event, i'm rather disappointed with aftermath of all of this, mainly: a) why are you trying to organise mcc underdogs in the first place? it feels like a cheap victory. like imagine you win - can you really brag about it? "yay guys i won an event without any s-tiers because... reasons." - is what it feels like to me. i watched red's pov and oh my god pearl did really good with everything: comms, mechanics, etc. and if she won, it would be bittersweet. something along the lines she is not good enough to win canon mcc, but good enough to win half-canon, while deminishing her value a) why organise an mcc underdogs event if 50% of participants are newcomers? call it mcc variety or something and make it non-canon for fun with special coin (even otv talked about it after their stream, they really enjoyed mcc and wanted to do an otv version of it). there's no one of regulars in finals, scott. b) okay, mcc underdogs with 50% of newcomers. why are you inviting really good minecraft event player - FBM - who specialises in mini-games? while he is not the best, he is on par with some s-tiers. strong player + newcomers = blood bath (and we are not even talking about blushi in team with him) c) why reddit is treating FBM like an s-tier after one half-canon event with 50% newcomers and underdogs? like what. it was not a perfomance of century. he did good among NEWCOMERS OH MY GOD. with my competitive side of knowledge (hello, i watched about 50 hours worth of minecraft events), he's not that good compared to many other testers. dorry. d) why people are being angry at FBM for 1st indiv and saying he shouldn't be allowed in mcc overall? his latest testing dates to 2 years ago, so it's not like he has strats or exploits or something like that. i can understand that he is a little bit of a sweaty player (20+ hours of mcci in week and god knows how many before that), but it's possible to balance. if blushi wasn't in this event - purple wouldn't have been in first overall. just give him sapnap treatment, scott.

e) and for the cherry on top: why on earth as of lately mcc can not decide whether they want to be competitive or for fun event? since addition of purpled/jojo/hannah it felt like everyone was getting better and better and more competitive and more competitive to the point where if you don't do vod review beforehand, you are gone.

it was so apparent when a lot of people got locked in sot today. there's A LOT to process if you are a newcomer, and if you don't - you perish. sure, there are a lot of vods and "how-to" videos, but learning strats doesn't prepare you for the real thing (ex: cyan in sot, abe in meltdown). and now they do canon (!!!) events that are mix of competitive and for fun. which is a choice for sure.

and while mccu didn't end up badly due to its nervewracking finale (boxbox vs. blushi finale), pretty close moments (pearl and cyan in meltdown, FBM clutching ar last second, hannah pkt, etc.) and a lot of respect and support for FBM from reddit - mixing fun and competitive today could cause BIG issues. remember mcc all-stars red and how everyone was like "ohhh who would've guessed /neg", even though event was purely for fun? yeah. but oh well, cyan did great comeback, so nobody is talking drama right now. fun fact: i have seen a comment that reads "this is what event could be like without dream" and boy. in how many words do you want me to explain you what is wrong. tl;dr; mcc underdogs was a bad idea. you are one the few blogs that post based takes on mcc, so i decided to join in :D reddit would execute me for this type of post aha

dear god… go off anon. i hope otv and friends do their version of mcc too bc if they do it well i foresee dteam and friends getting invites

a) i feel so bad for pearl. i saw her get top 10 and this would’ve been a great opportunity for her to shine but… lol

b) FBM should’ve never been in this event. the whole point of it is gone

c) LOL im curious to see how he did like. timing wise for certain games

d) its not his fault he was in this event, but scott should’ve never put him in. he could’ve debuted in mcc All Cracked

e) ITS FUCKING SCARY also WHY DIDNT THEY MAKE SOT EASIER??? its so clear that noxcrew wasn’t actually prepared for an ‘underdog’ mcc like why are u giving participation trophies out but making the game OLYMPIC LEVEL HARD

also mcc all stars was established from the start as a NON CANON event that didn’t fucking matter. they called mcc all losers MCC TWENTY SEVEN

thanks for dropping by anon im sure the mcc reddit is dumb and annoying and horrible rn

[noblechaton]

so ultimately I really enjoyed season 5 as a whole and think it might be my new favorite season of ml in general since most episode were bangers and the finale eps weren't really any different lmao

but there's two elements that - like other folks I've seen - are kinda bugging me and bog it down a good bit I feel and I kinda wanna ramble about em. ml spoilers below (no salt tho I am complaining somewhat)

the first thing was something I'd caught a glimpse of just before I passed out last night thanks to some lovely blogging from a few mutuals and that I caught onto midway thru the second part of the finale and that is of course the weird attempt at seemingly redeeming? Gabriel in some capacity

now of course he's not at all redeemed to us, the audience, and it doesn't feel like a redemption so much as like. absolving him? but either way like....why at all? 5 seasons (2 specials and a video game too) across like 8 years I feel sorta showed that the guy legit could not be redeemed, especially S5 itself with multiple instances of him doing just. unforgivably heinous things to everyone including that son of his he kept talking about protecting and like for a time in the show maybe I could have seen that path where he was genuinely doing this to improve Adrien's life but that was tossed a long time ago lmao, he's actively tormented Adrien more than anything and that's without factoring in his beatings of Chat Noir, threats towards Marinette, etc.

Gabriel sacrificing himself at the end was something I sorta always knew was coming bc nothing else really made sense. no way he'd go to jail, he couldn't just be absolved of all he'd done and there was no real other option and yet they tried to absolve him anyway?? not to mention how little sense I feel it makes for Adrien to believe this in the least after even just the last few episodes, let alone the season and then some

Paris in general treating Gabriel like a hero sucks - most of the class at least should know better - and while I think there's a chance it'll lead to some juicy drama between Marinette knowing the truth and Lila knowing what she knows, one of them feels bound to take it to Adrien, I'm concerned it'll just be a flat point never to be addressed again

now I've often felt the show is more clever than ppl give it credit for but idk. something about it just feels weird and wrong and not just bc of what it is on the surface - Marinette building a lie into her relationship with Adrien is fascinating and it should absolutely come up in the future, but I'm worried it won't

and the reason I'm worried is bc of how Adrien was handled in the finale - in that he wasn't really handled at all

I understand that the story had him locked up in a cube, I get that he was purposefully tossed aside by that same father he supposedly believes is heroic now but like....why did we get nothing from him past him forfeiting the ring? why did he give up so easily? why was he a total nonentity in the finale of what is, essentially, his arc? in this story that has the most bearing on Adrien, Adrien himself was just....gone for most of it, arguably all of it

I feel like it flies counter to a lot of what the show's been doing especially lately with him in how Adrien is basically stripped of any and all agency by the end of the finale and honestly I hate it lol. him having no say on anything, no knowledge of anything or any real reaction to....anything that happened. we don't see him really react to the lie of what his father did, to Nathalie being returned to health or to the mysterious blonde woman at the pool who may or may not be his actual mom (the storyboards and deleted scene apparently confirm it was, at least, at some point), we don't even see him get his ring back. like I wasn't expecting a reveal at this point - I don't think we're gonna get one tbh - but....nothing??

which is part of why I feel the stuff at the end with him and Marinette in the garden - while very nice and cathartic after 8 years of watching - felt so off, almost hollow. Adrien didn't really get to be a character in the finale and just sort of reappears to finally kiss Marinette again? that's it? he's all smiles and sunshine again after being genuinely, undeniably tortured by his father that he again somehow believes is heroic in some manner? huh??

I think I'd feel better about things if we at least got his reaction to things - if he somehow rolled up on his destroyed house or found Nathalie walking around under her own power or w/e but there's just nothing. like he's an action figure that got lost under the bed for a bit. and again there's a chance we get some of that next season but like, not only do I think we shouldn't have to but I also see it as less likely than the Gabe stuff proving to be a plotline since that feels much more like a lingering presence that sorta needs to be dealt with and honestly Tomoe needs to be dealt with too idk how Kagami could ever go back to her after this

which really has me excited about season 6 more than I was - I admittedly kinda groaned when they revealed there'd be more seasons since I knew about the 5 season arc (especially since main villain Lila did not interest me in the least at the time lol, and still kinda doesn't tbh) but if I'd sorta softened on the decision across the last few years, I've fully turned around with this - so long as they address some of this stuff going forward at least bc I feel like if nothing else there's some really juicy drama and story potential in the Gabriel lie coming undone

ultimately again I loved this season and felt the finale was appropriately crazy - the kwamis in their ultimate forms, Gimmi's appearance, Bug Noir and the fight across the mansion, it all worked really well imo and there was a lot of payoff still in the finale even if I feel they didn't really stick the landing with a couple of rough edges and odds and ends hanging out

I also wanna say that I kinda like the ideas I've seen floating around about how the epilogue might not be what it seems - that Gabriel's wish wasn't so pure in nature, it kinda fits him to warp reality in just such a way after all but idk if that's what's going on here for sure yet. think it'd make a really cool twist if that evil AU special thingy came straight off of this tho, or if we got midway thru S6 and it's like, oh dang we're living a total fabrication!! I love stuff like that lol

also also ngl I am not excited about the whole team being back at all in any capacity lol. think a smaller team - which would now be Ladybug, Chat, Carapace, Rena, Ryuko and Argos maybe - just works better

also also also - addendum that ties into the Adrien stuff - it feels really weird that Chat Noir wasn't present at all during Monarch's defeat right? like. idk that just doesn't sit well with me, like he should have had some impact there, some role. maybe he could have broken out and given Ladybug the ring himself (albeit in a mask or something) or done literally anything. idk. really weird

[djservo]

hiii it’s that time again! september wrap up and october tbr? do you go in for a particular vibe in the autumn/winter 🙇🏽‍♀️

IMO 🫂☕️📖 idk what came over me last month (especially since i was out of town/had nonstop plans for the past 2 weeks) but i got thru a lot more than i thought i would so i'm gonna put it undercut 💆‍♀️

black hole by charles burns

LOVED!! really cool body horror/concept - i really wanna try n incorporate a graphic novel every month bc i've enjoyed myself each time 🃏 u already know that i watched it follows the night of finishing this & it was simply the perfect wine n cheese pairing 🍷🧀

shoplifting from american apparel by tao lin

stupid and soulless LOL i went down the rabbit hole of alt-lit (like Theoretically) awhile ago & i guess this was my first real dip into it & it sucked ass but what else did i expect from a genre chock-full of pretentious pseudo-intellectual assholes from peak blogging era 🙄 IF i'm brave enough to sit thru sterile & self-important ramblings of alt-lit again, i'm sticking solely to women writers only ❌☝️

a carnival of snackery by david sedaris

his entries about identity/politics/the pandemic come off a little out-of-touch in a way i'm sure would put someone off completely if it was their first sedaris, but i was still struck by unexpected tenderness/introspection amongst the occasionally glib and smart ass sections - though admittedly, all of which are what got me to love & become a loyal reader of sedaris in the first place

happy go-lucky by david sedaris

i listened to an audiobook of this bc i'd never done that for his essays before & im so glad i did!! it's such a different & even more fulfilling experience to hear his voice/inflections/impressions and generally with essays/memoirs it feels more intimate, kinda like a friend recounting thoughts n memories to you. i need to revisit past essays, but i have an inkling that he's getting a little softer in age - particularly with how he talks about his partner (hugh) like i literally had to go back in book and reread an essay because i couldn't believe he'd gotten so sappy with no punchline 🥲

crush by richard siken

quintessential tumblr poetry moment... don't know what i could possibly say/add about this as it's already been beaten and gutted to death for years on here, but it definitely holds up beyond the more popular n quoted passages interspersed with like. gifs from supernatural or whatever else LOL

high school by tegan & sara quin

so cleverly done with each chapter alternating between them - for some moments i did wish i could've read the other twin's perspective, but i understand it'd probably be too repetitive. clea duvall is the perfect fit to direct this so i'm excited to see how things translate in the show!

the agony of eros by byung-chul han

i devour any ponderings on eros/desire/love/etc so this + a lover's discourse + symposium + a blunt... yeah

sigh, gone by phuc tran

probably wouldn't have finished this if i hadn't switched to the audiobook like halfway thru. kinda uncompelling and pretentious, maybe bc i didn't know of/necessarily care abt the author enough to justify delving into a memoir. i did love/resonate with the bit about his attempts to relate to immigrant parents, i just wish he'd reflected more on his own assimilation / muddled cultural ties rather than straining to connect everything to classic literature (which is kind of ironic now that i think abt it)

never be alone again by lina abascal

laughable... could've (should've) easily been a vice article or better yet a vice documentary (that way the interviews/references would've actually flowed nicely) but instead there are these clunky kitschy buzzfeed ass 'your bloghouse song according to your zodiac sign XD' chapters in between.... but whatever i had fun & gave it to a coworker who's equally & damnably nostalgic for this era 😐

natural causes by barbara ehrenreich

listened to the audiobook - morbid but necessary food for thought abt the wellness industry, moreso how 'wellness' has become so misconstrued to the point of infiltrating our basic understandings of life & death. healthcare myths we've been brainwashed to believe/never question, examinations of intrusive procedures/"cures" that do more harm than good - a little all-over-the-place, but listening to it made it absorb easier i think

corpus christi by terrence mcnally

learned about this play semi-recently thru a documentary (same name) about a theater putting on this play & the actors' experiences with religion/sexuality, THEN coincidentally came across david sedaris mentioning terrence mcnally in a carnival of snackery which was obvi a sign 📡 beautiful & heartbreaking in the way any/all religion&sexuality intersections hit - would love to see this live

+ 3 more since then but i'll save those for our october round-up (bc this is already so annoyingly long) :-)

i'd like to think i'm more drawn to fiction as the weather gets colder n i want something cozy, but i have a few theory books i really wanna sink my teeth into so we'll see how these last few months go 🤨

at the moment i'm reading the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde by robert louis stevenson & also checked out bath haus by pj vernon and the cabin at the end of the world by paul g tremblay (my sister and i saw barbarian in theaters & they showed this trailer & we were like 'omg let's read this together??' despite both of us not being big readers of horror or caring much about m. night shyamalan movies anymore LOL but i'm excited!) - so i suppose i'm doing a horror thing BUT it's also filipinx american history month so i'd like to incorporate that too! i finished up a jessica hagedorn book on my recent trip back home and i'm gonna try to squeeze in another, but i'll be out of town again the end of this month (🛌💤) so to switch up the tone i think i'm gonna take along global divas: filipino gay men in the diaspora by martin f. manalansan iv 🧳📚

[pinkninja236]

I posted 5,233 times in 2022

That's 4,233 more posts than 2021!

22 posts created (0%)

5,211 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@timelostdoctor

@whycellothurr

@rearranging-deck-chairs

@headcanonsandmore

@paperbagfish

I tagged 3,745 of my posts in 2022

Only 28% of my posts had no tags

#dw - 3,217 posts

#cat! - 240 posts

#lotsd - 223 posts

#ace <3 - 85 posts

#fef65b - 39 posts

#tma - 30 posts

#prev tags: - 26 posts

#tbb - 25 posts

#tbs - 22 posts

#aloto - 19 posts

I sent 1 gift in 2022

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

okay but so true bestie 😭 13 is NOT the longest running doctor (counting eps) but yaz IS the longest running companion (counting series) im fine being a hypocrite about this

wait but. shes been there from 13's first until 13's last episode thats like. must be a record. at least in new who. like only rose did that and 9 only had one series. anyway even if it's not a record it still feels special <3 there hasnt been a companion doctor duo who was together the entire time in new who

yeah! so my source is tardis wiki:

(note the clara one is stories not episodes, so while yaz has been in 31 episodes that only counts as 25 (? if I counted right) stories, because spyfall 1&2 count as 1 and flux only counts as 1, which is bullshit)

so for calendar time yaz is the undisputed longest, and for modern companions she is the only one with 3 complete seasons (I believe clara would be the runner up here, 2.5 seasons)

In terms of calendar time counting for companions but not doctors, it somehow feels different? idk why, it just Is. vibes

I do believe yaz is the only companion (other than rose&nine) to be with the doctor from first to last episode, and even that is somehow different as we dont know how long 9 was alone between regenerating in the 50th and meeting rose, while yaz is certifiably there from just after one regeneration to just before the next

18 notes - Posted October 17, 2022

#4

#okay Im pretty sure I had Thoughts(tm) while watching this but 'you are loved' with tecteun at the end broke me and now they're all gone

✌ that was my evil intention im glad it worked. also: 😭

because thats the thing isnt it? river telling them "i asked for help for you" and the doctor going "THATS SO STUPID"

amy and rory setting out a place for them. "but you didnt know i was coming, why would you set me a place?" "because we always do"

the doctor disappears and you dont know if or when they'll ever be back but i dont know if they expect you to wait for them. so many people throughout time who have told them "i waited for you" and it never seems to sink in that they wait for them. that they miss them.

the doctor quietly removing themself from people's lives bc they only bring chaos and destruction anyway. it's better like this. theyre saving them by leaving.

clara going "i mean it's not like im never gonna see you again" "isnt it?" "is it?" "i thought thats what you wanted" "but youre gonna come around for dinner or something arent you? do you do that? come around peoples houses for dinner?" "of course" they lie because they dont "thought you mind find it boring"

"do you want to come for tea at mine?"

maybe they do find it boring. or maybe thats an easier sentiment to express, an easier idea to grapple with, than the fact that there are people who care about them enough to spend time with them when nothing particularly exciting is happening, spend time with them just doing human maintenance things, when they dont need them. because theyre not necessary when there is no danger. theyre not needed, just wanted. because theyre not loved by the people who love them for being The Doctor, theyre loved for being the doctor.

river voice: but thats not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?

and maybe it’s easier to say it’s boring, that they dont do that sort of thing, than to say they want to, but they dont know how, because it’s never quite right, because their big blue box breaks chairs in the living room, and whats missing from them is so much more evident when theyre surrounded by people who are connected, who have a place they belong and each other and a shared history

“have you got family?”

AWSOK: It's over, Doctor. It has been ever since we let a virus into the experiment. DOCTOR: What sort of virus? AWSOK: You.

so they just leave, because youve got your own good safe human life to lead, because they cant fathom the idea that you will miss them, because it hurts to try to make connections on top of the gaping craters of broken ones, because they cant quite fix themself to anything, because theyre out of place everywhere, because it hurts less to swoop in, save the day, be unknown but adored for a day, every day.

......i got carried away. sorry for being depressing in your inbox 😭

no no don't apologize, this is excellent!

so many people love and wait and miss the doctor and they don't get it! But then to contrast that with their mother, someone who is supposed to love you, and maybe even does in some weird twisted way, but never in a way that compares to the people the doctor finds themselves, is ugh. how do you do this. please keep making me sad with your videos

20 notes - Posted April 26, 2022

#3

latest Thing that won't leave my head

See the full post

29 notes - Posted February 2, 2022

#2

69 notes - Posted January 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

fuck.

FUCK

117 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[evildoombringer]

hi nakamura (i'm. not entirely sure which name you prefer to go by,,)

i. don't really know, personally, the depths of hurt that came from min leaving can't claim either. to understand what your going through right now

you both seem really close. it was always funny, to  read ur asks that you'd send i remember reading the "happy morning" one you sent and it had like this image of a smiling kid for some reason, for like a solid 5 months i just thought "oh cool, so that's what they look like:0" before i looked back and thought, "huh wait. they always added (very funny,  mind you) meme/pics to their asks. was that pic a meme too-?" and only then did i realize lmao

looking back on his responses, i can almost hear the amused tone or, however min would react. lol it was nice to see him talking to people who cared about him

im. not really sure what to say, without coming off as like.. pretentious.? but. if i can just assume for one second, from the asks they'd answer of yours, to everything i hear about min from all the people who know him, i. i. assume he really cared for you, and. i assume you cared for him as much.,

i dont. know your situation, at all. min had. already made up his mind when i even found his blog. so, just. i hope you'll be able to make a decision, you'll be. happy with

the future could get better. it could get worse i can't really see which one it'll be. i don't understand how close you and min were, at all but know. you arent alone im not sure, if you need to. understand or know someone to be there for them,but from the looks of it, min was. never really alone if he had you. so,i hope you also know your not alone there'are people here for you

im sorry. this is probably, meaningless to you in hindsight i just. yeah. in the end, whatever you choose is your decision but. your not alone im sorry if this comes off as assuming.  please. feel free to ignore this ask, if it oversteps in anyway or is just uncomfortable. i know sometimes one might just want- to vent and let it all out and the to have that acknowledged or responsded to might be. uncomfortable i. hope i didnt come off that way

but .yeah,

nice to. meet you by thw way. O(∩w∩)O (im sorry the kaomoji is so out of place jhsjsh i just remembered that one ask u sent hh)

hi custard

it hurts that he's gone, obviously, and i just haven't been on Tumblr for a minute, so seeing everything again is having a terrible effect on my psyche (ill live though haha). im just super weird about him and i realize that uhh nobody really knows that. but I'm super . . weird about him and uhhh yeah and um i regret everything lol

im surprised you thought i was a young chinese boy :sob: but. i understand how you could make that.... mistake.....

did you know the :smile: :sob: thing is a discord reference? :sob: is 😭 and :grimace: is 😬. if you're on a phone and u type the emoji out it should probably pop up, and the same thing happened on discord so he. um would do that when posting on Tumblr too out of habit, and i guess it eventually became a Min-Pal staple haha

and yeah he definitely cares about me, and im mad at him because he cares about me and left me his emails and shit to take care of and he did that because he knew im. weird and needed more than old messages and tumblr posts and i . m glad he did do all that and i love having some stuff to hold onto like his Spotify but. it's just upsetting i guess, since you know, id rather have him.

its really funny seeing how other people view him, to me, at least, i guess since i got to see not just him being bad-pathetic but him bad-bad in general (and I'm not going to explain further than this, as i, despite claiming to find it funny, am happier than not that he died with a t least a somewhat positive. Uh. Perception.)

idk I'm not like, a great persoj, and i did Just let him die instead of going to unimaginable lengths. and I regret that everyday, but he was so steadfast. he just didn't care anymore , and he had me to talk to but it was like he didn't care about trying (because once he decided he'd died, what really mattered past that?) Ssorry this is all so congested and contradictory and I make no sense

and, id love to believe you when you say stuff like "you're not alone" but it's terrible because I really am. like it's out of personal fault, but even the people I feel as though I could go to for help, I coukdnt bring myself to,, not when it's anything Too serious,, not to mention the fact I just got dumped because he said I was 'unhealthy' (after 10 months of reassuring me that its ok if I am cuz he'll help... but that's. A whole different thing and has nothing to do with min and I'm just bitter and bringing him up out of.... bitterness.)

and im glad u left the ask mikey i really am

idk it's just kinda sweet. now I feel more like angel and saki..... Auuuhhuhhh

i don't know what to do in any regard currently though so I think I'm just gonna continue mourning something that's been gone for a year now. Someone. and being bitter and upset, and reminiscing and trying his memory into music I like (and emailing my bf. [not considering him an ex] [email cuz he blocked my number] obsessively until he decides to take me back)

[1d1195]

Okay part two of my ramble lol

(Tw! This is a bit sad so please do NOT feel obligated to read it all or feel obligated to respond at all!)

So I didn’t intentionally mean to be gone that long! But I’ve actually have had a horrible past week or two. I’ve mentioned before I’ve always struggled with mental health from a young age and like I have MDD so to sum it all up I go through depressive episodes quite a bit. I’ve gotten better over the years but sometimes when they hit, they really HIT. So this one was kinda crazy since nothing in particular triggered anything. But it did send me into a spiral that led to some not pleasant thoughts(don’t worry I’m safe and was safe in the moment!) it was really hard. So there was a lot of crying, not sleeping, and eating. Didn’t even have the energy to do anything really, just was so emotionally and mentally drained.

Okay-ish now though! Still pretty exhausted but now I can actually be productive. Got out today to chop all my hair off! Had to go bc I simply cannot afford the late cancellation fee lol my new hair cut is giving Dora for sure but I was SO over having long hair!

Anyways, I also read your post :( I’m so sorry you’re feeling a similar way :( it no joke when feeling like this! I wish you didn’t have to feel like this at all! But I’m glad that you felt comfortable enough to share it. Keeping it all in isn’t always the best and I’m glad that you found a safe place to express it! It takes a-lot to even share so you should feel proud of it! Hope that this soon passes because it can be so exhausting and frustrating. Doing things that make you happy is always great! And I’m glad you had enough energy to read your books! Putting yourself first is a must! Sending you the biggest hug and all the love! Know that you are truly never alone in this ever! I love you so so much. You’re the absolute loviest! Hope you’ll feel better soon my love!-💜

I kind of figured you were having a rough week 💔 I really almost posted a "💜--hope you're doing okay" post because I was realized "Oh no, she hasn't been on in a while." I'm extremely glad you're safe 💕 I'm so sorry you were so down and drained. That's not a fun way to spend any time but certainly not (what I assume is) the last couple weeks of your summer classes :(

I LOVE A HAIR CHOP. Chop off the bad emotions and whatnot (that's lame, sorry, but you'll know what I mean) I can't imagine how exhausted you are. I hope you're sleeping and staying hydrated and you get to do something relaxing/fun for your wellbeing. I LOVE the idea of Dora. I'm sure it's adorable 😊

I feel like I hit a new low last week. Idk what was wrong with me (well I do, but it's a lot of the same stuff I always complain about so I won't bore you with it again) Idk. I'm doing better literally right this second. I read my trashy romance books (in the sports romances: book 3 is a baseball man; a single dad and he falls in love with the nanny HARD--I've been dying to read it but I was waiting until I finished writing Honey so I wouldn't accidentally copy anything, lol. Fortunately I don't think there are many, if any similarities other than nanny and rich people vibes)

I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH. I wish I could see a blog of all the people telling you how wonderful and talented you are because I'm sure it would be like 3 times bigger than mine 😭 you deserve so much happiness and love and everything 💕💕

xoxo

[ramblingsofjane]

being a stay at home mom is the most thankless job ever.

I am not enjoying it. And often I feel bad about it because SAHM is a dream for some. When we got pregnant the plan was I was going to work at least one day a week, but when my hubs switched jobs that wasn't really doable anymore. and im so nervous to put my kid in day care. so thats not an option until he's older for us, but I never knew how lonely this would be. and thankless. and moneyless. and retirement-less. I hate having to rely on my husband for retirement. I got a bachelors degree, but had a kid right after and I feel like it was a waste, or im wasting it? idk. And no one ever reaches out to talk or hang out. im just in a forgotten realm of "mom can I watch tv/?." And my husband is great, but he truly just doesn't understand. I wish I could make as much as him, so he can be the stay at home parent. he'd be better at it than i would. maybe. idk. I think everyone thinks they'd love it until they did it. But, I'm def not good at it. On top of it I'm 8 mos pregnant again. We wanted a sibling, bc we are both close to our siblings, but damn I'll be disappointed if they grow up to hate each other. This is the third time I've been sick this pregnancy. the first time in Nov with covid, then a cold in January, and a cold now. Plus I have gestational diabetes. I've felt awful this whole pregnancy. my husband stayed home a couple days this week and im annoyed because he hardly did anything to help. even though we were both sick, me probably more so with the pregnancy. and then he said I feel less rested than if I had gone to work. *Insert eye roll* must be nice to go to fucking work and relax. Today he's at work and im looking around the house like, I have to clean up after him. he made soup and it's still on the stove. from yesterday. did he make any for us? No, just himself. I made the kids brekkie, and lunch, all week. he picked up dinner fro, bk last night. idk man. I just feel so depressed. And we have it good right? A roof over our head, and the food all stocked. There are people starving all over the world and being subjected to genocide, and im complaining about having to stay at home by myself all day. pathetic. IDK. I just made this blog so I could free type my whining and hopefully feel a bit better.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary157

2/18-19/2024

sunday - monday

ate popcorn and feel kind of sick.

otherwise though, feeling good. working on the 2nd of the 2 problem songs rn, it's def getting there.

and now i think it's there. the other also feels 'there' even if it's just roughly.

i also just finished the gut thing i started last night, very cool.

the next one is gonna be kind of a doozy, i think, as well, so tomorrow i'll probably spend a long time on that, and then the next day, i have a monster, maybe i can drink that and do a bunch of something. i kind of hope i can put that energy to writing though.

also it is late and i kept saying i had to work in the morning tomorrow but that changed, it's now 6 pm to 9pm, which is better for me in every way, basically. it'll give me more time to do music before work and also keep the workout routine up w/o having to insert a weird rest day into it.

the 2nd trouble song, i feel like i want the guitars to have a little more high end, i'll try that now but i just wonder if that's part of what the saturating is doing..

it's an easy test/fix so it's nbd.

and yayy it sounds good.

and hopefully soon i can get my card situation squared away so i can order clothes from japan and then take a bunch of annoying + vain selfies in clothes that make me feel cute and not ugly or something.

speaking of clothes, i have this rlly tiny cardigan i love because it goes w/ everything as a nice layer when i can't figure anything else out, it's like a perfect piece of clothing, idk where it is, making me very very upset kind of. hopefully that turns up soon.

i think my hair will stop wigging me after like, one more day probably. i don't know why my bangs can give me such dysphoria lol it's dumb. i'm just so used to them being like, i guess the thing that makes me feel like i 'pass' i guess. idk. i don't know if that's true or not. i don't think so. it's not like they're gone, i've done this before, even, in the lifespan of the blog, and like, worse, even, for instance look at me when i gave myself this hair:

those are like, psychotic bangs, i'm not there rn, looking thru my selfies there's another pic of me w/ bangs that are kind of like where i'm at rn:

it's funny, in that one i took the selfie while my phone was super messed up so it died whenever it wasn't plugged in, and i was so like, dysphoric or whatever, idk what to call this even, saying it's 'dysphoria' seems not entirely accurate or whatever, but when i felt hideous and needed to capture like, myself not being ugly, i had to plug my phone in, in the bathroom, to do that. that's so embarrassing huh.

anyway, this whole stupid issue is making me look up how to blowdry bangs, which is something i do already, everyday, and know how to do basically, but i guess i'm just trying to get better so i don't make myself go coo coo every time i want to 'fix' my hair.

anyway look at me in akasaka, this was a fun time:

i remember, they had a bunch of harry potter stuff up here, cuz it's so big in japan, and we'd see people come up and look and get really excited, take pictures with it, it was very sweet, honestly, i'm glad that's a primary thing my mind goes to, thinking of harry potter, over anything else, it just pays to not be very invested in it.

i did another gut drawing thing, but it's sort of a practice run for another idea i guess, cuz i don't like the novel part of it, i wanna draw intestines getting cut, and the sinew holding / almost snapping, and stuff. that bit is harder to get right w/ pixels but i think tomorrow i could.

also, since i got paid, i have started looking at some other stupid things, like a digicam. thinking about getting a sony cybershot 8.1 megapixels (i think) (or 7.2), there's one for 30 bux on ebay rn (same w/ the 7.2 mp variant), seems cute and fun. might give me some cool options w/ photography stuff.

n - e wayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i need to sleep, it is 3:43 am and i do want to fix my sleep schedule at some point, it'd be good for me.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[noirefusetotype]

Warning:This post is essentially just a vent. I like to like write out my thoughts and like cast it into the meaningless unknown or like void. It helps give me some form of outlet. These messages don't reflect my average day mental health wise and shouldn't be taken as anything more than an edgy diary entry. Sorry. Didn't think this would like reach anyone but it has.

Hello void

I feel fine today but also I don't. I know I will be fine again because I have. Time and time again I have. But you can't live your life on a roller coaster. You can't live with constant highs and lows. I know it's depression. I know it's anxiety. I have words; I have names: these concepts are real and I know what they are. Why aren't they gone? Deep down I know that question is crazy but I feel like once I understand them, then they should disappear. It's funny and frankly absurd but idk. I just wish I had energy. I feel lazy and useless most days. I joke and laugh about my constant forgetfulness, my mindlessness, and my procrastination but it hurts. I just want to function but I feel like I am unable. It's within my grasp to just do more but I can't. I don't know if "curing" my depression would fix it, even if I could.

What's worse is that I have to actively take care of myself and my diabetes. Even when I don't want to get up and feel indifferent to life, I have to actively maintain myself so that I don't die because I did too much funky pancreas juice or ate something I shouldn't have. It's exhausting because I can't slip on my self care. It feels like there's not a single time I can take a break from life. It's always maintenance, maintenance, maintenance.

Everything feels so crushing. I have to financially support my family, save up for a car, manage my diabetes, do my homework, do good at my job, manage my ever expanding and shrinking group of friends, do my hobbies. Everything just feels like a chore even the stuff that shouldn't. I like poetry and writing but for whatever stupid reason this is the only way I can write-- sending my personal insecurities out to the biggest collection of strangers possible. I want to program and make games but that wouldn't pay well and even being a software developer seems too hard. There's so many people younger than me so much better than I will ever be. I want to feel special and I make myself to be the center of attention all the time but I'm not special. I'm strange and weird but I'm not special.

I'm an attentive whore if anything. I need people's love and kindness to fill that empty void inside of me. The one that hates me. The sad part is that it kinda hates everyone too. Even my loved ones and friends. I hate myself for that. They don't deserve my judgmental self. They are so kind and loving; they always are there for me when I need it: which is all the time. I could write a sob story about how I have been traumatized since I have been through a lot. But my friends have been through worse and half the time, that isn't what goes through my mind. I am petty and felt like crying over losing a dumb little board game. I am so genuinely awful. And even right now. I'm self loathing in a text blog. Probably so some person gets to witness all my trauma, which they didn't ask for and they can tell me that I'm not a bad person.

But people do all the time. Everyday my friends reassure me that they like me but if they don't for even a second, I think they hate me. Just idk. I'm so annoying and I hate myself. I do so much stuff for others but it's not because I am a good person. It's because I need praise and adoration. Even by just saying I'm a good person it shows how much of a bad person I am. But everyone tells me I'm not, because I always say that I am.

Then add onto that being trans. I feel like I have to be absolutely perfect because the fact I suck as a human being is going to be used against so many people for absolutely no reason at all. Like I am some symbol or reflection of every single trans person ever. Just no, every other trans person I have met have been so sweet and kind. They always are the person that I pretend to be and so desperately want to be. Just genuinely such good and caring people. Why do my failures as a person reflect on them? I just don't get it.

It hurts because I see so many other people struggling. My dad rarely smiles and I know I should be there for him more because he's having a tough time but I just am not. I know my mom and step dad need more help but I don't. There's so many people I need to be there for but it's never the people I have energy to be there for. It's so dumb, why can I be there for a friend who has a decent support system without me but I can't be there for my own father?

I always feel so tired and angry and sad. Always. At myself and the world. I just wish it was better for everyone. There's so many people who deserve so much better. Who deserve the things I have but I'm too selfish to give it to them.

I'm yet perpetually the kid at the party, crying that they're not the birthday kid and failing to enjoy the party around them merely because they aren't the center of it.