#of [this post] and also just like. sooo much less stressed than i was last yr and i wouldnt say im feeling optimistic but again to compare

[groovygrub]

heyyy folks!!! as promised, a brief(...ish) explanation of what's been going down:

so we had ourselves a bit of a ~tornadic thunderstorm~ almost a week ago; apparently FOUR lil twisters touched down in our area and several were visible from our driveway?!! – tragically, i didn't get to actually see the tornados because i was tripping too hard (here's some common sense disguised as a fun fact! if you consume 16x a "microdose" of shrooms, especially combined with other edibles, the dose isn't so micro anymore!! that shit had me macro-ed, dude 😩 learn from my mistakes!) and also didn't expect any visible touchdown from our house :((( i cried when i found out i missed out on the nados, ngl.

anyway, the majority of the city lost all power and my house just got it back last night! we still got some live wires ⚡ hanging in our yard so it's cordoned off but hopefully they'll fix that soon because i really gotta go foraging soon & would prefer not to get yelled at and/or zippity zapped. i'm already getting zippity zapped enough by my own brain, you know??

while on the topic of brain zaps!! the extreme heat & humidity and stress (and without any AC, air purifier, very little water, etc) has been... less-than-compatible with my chronic health shit (especially my seizures, POTS, EDS, mast cell disease, and migraines) 😅 i've had 5+ (?) episodes over the past week and they're still periodically making little cameos 🥲

definitely one of the worst clusters i've had yet tbh. after the initial seizure, i couldn't really move & was just chilling there and my broke-ass brain very helpfully kept supplying me with nothing but the thought "damn, bro got prone" (i would make a great doctor, i know). and then i started sobbing because my CNS was too afk to go grab a drink and seizures always make me sooo goddamn thirsty for some reason & i was already so dehydrated 💀

and i didn't even get to see any nados!!!! like!!! that's so twisted, dude (pun really not even intended, just slipped out, whoops). "fucked up" doesn't even begin to describe it. absolutely gargantuan L for me :((( an elephantine L, a BROBDINGNAGIAN L, if you will. feels like i just got hoodwinked by the cosmos.

anyhowsies. i set forth with the intention of just letting y'all know why i've been playing tumblr hooky (oh!! and in the days immediately leading up to the power outage, i was just busy being helplessly in love. still am, don't have any plans of stopping ❤️✨ but i'm also trying to be more present again for my beloved little army of weirdos!) and to say sorry for the delay in memes 😕 so idk how it turned into this mess, my b!

i'm slowly working through my notifications too!! just takes some extra time to process things when Brain is rebooting (and Brain has to fully reboot every time i have an episode 🙄 dramatic ass lil bitch). thank you so much for all your patience, birds & bees (new inclusive alternative to "ladies & gentlemen" just dropped!) 💛

ps to my wonderful moot who said they were queueing one of my memes for last monday: if you're reading this, please know i didn't forget about you or your post!! i WILL get to it, promise! 🙏

[lotus-pear]

GOD I LOVE KNKDZ SM I wanna hold them and treasure them like literally they could be so precious they have so much potential and ik we have to wait a few more months but I'm sooo fuckin excited to see if they have a reunion if they don't I'll probs cry from stress or smth like even if someone doesn't ship it they're partners istg they are soo important and I hope we can see more of them in action cuz kunikida has been crying (canon) from stress and trying to bring shit together, like he was really working on gathering the members together again and like poor bby I feel so bad he needs a warm hug, also I feel like getting your hands cut off and your ideals crumbling in front of you was traumatic like he's ok now physically but I feel so bad and dazai is being fucking shot and falling of an elevator while defeating fyodor and walking it all of like ??? I need a sick fic with knkdz and the ada in general he deserves that and I hope so fucking sooo FUCKING much that they get a fuckin reunion like this is all I can talk and think abt now I keep repeating myself, I hope atsushi, dazai and kunikida get one bc I miss their trio so idk what is happening now that s5 is over and the Manga is catching up in a few months bc we saw that they're fighting again like oh fuck ngl I hope dazai gets hurt more so more sickfics or maybe Canon sickfics like in it actually fucking happens in the series but whatever in the end I want the ada to be safe again and destress a little bc oh my god this was their biggest fucking mission in their life and its been going on practically since the guild but whatever I have so so so so so so high hopes for the future and the rise of knkdz (I also ship skk but knkdz is my no. 1 and need way more of them) I hope knkdz will rise and conquer we have to get our fucking game up us knkdz advocates we have a DUTY anyways love ya ur so hot for that knkdz vs skk rant its fucking unfair pls pls pls pls post more knkdz I'm going feral its my last will to live I will kms if the Manga doesn't have them I will defenestrate asagiri I will find him trust me I fucking will anyways anywho anyfuckingway thank you for being a part of the knkdz cult we can soo win we just have to wait for asagiri and like OMG I just had SUCH a dopamine rush like I practically almost jumped bc IM SO EXCITED to see them YOU DONT UNDERSTAND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH PLS PLS PLS ASAGIRI PLS DONT DO THIS TO ME I CAN HEAR THEM I CANNN HEAAAAAR THEM PLS PLS PLS DONT PUNISH ME I WANT MORE KNKDZ I WILL FUCKING COMBUST anyways ur so cool and ur art is fuckin awesome have a great day and new year hopefully full with happiness, success, change, and kunikidazai

REAL OMFG‼️‼️ bitches forget that kunikida has been partnered with dazai for two entire years, only one less year than dazai’s partnership w chuuya (before ur like noooo it was seven!!!!! that doesn’t count. chuuya and dazai met at fifteen and didn’t even get partnered that year. it was only during the events of stormbringer when mori realized the only counter to chuuyas corruption was dazai’s ability and he made them go on missions together like they did during the arahabaki incident and they became known as double black. dazai left the mafia when he was eighteen due to oda’s death)

anyway knkdz have also had to trust each other with their lives time and time again and kunikida values this trust more than anything, always relying on dazai even if dazai pisses him the fuck off. dazai says himself that the ada is home to him when talking abt it to sigma, AND WHAT IS HOME BUT A PLACE FILLED WITH HAPPINESS AND THOSE WHOM YOU LOVE DEARLY AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

HI HELLO EXCUSE ME I JUST SAW THE TAGS ON YOUR LAST POST ABOUT THE POTTERY SHARDS VERSE? HE GASLIGHTS CAPTAIN AMERICA?? AND YOU CUT IT OUT????? DO YOU CARE TO ELABORATE???? I love love loooove your pottery shards and acts of... verses sooo so so much btw absolute masterpieces. It is so hard to find anything about Jack Murdock but he is just so interesting please. Also pottery shards??? mwah i love it. I usually avoid mcu stuff bc peter is always stripped down to some spineless kid, but he is SO MUCH MORE. plus it's so funny like god

It wasn’t in pottery shards. Explanation below the cut.

The scene came from a fic I have planned and partially written but no idea if I’ll ever publish. The idea was that Bucky, post Winter Soldier, ends up recovering with the vigilante community of New York, which results in Peter Parker becoming ferally protective of him. This Peter is extremely productive, mildly insane, terrible at communication, and a total ride or die. Every adult in his life is terrified as to what he is doing at any given moment, because it could be anything, and Peter will not tell them until it has already happened. he just keeps doing things and he will not fucking tell them what those things are. 

as a side note, bucky in this AU adores peter to his dying breath, and he has never been more stressed out in his life. it’s like a tiny steve who has the power to fling himself off buildings and is even worse about sharing relevant information in a timely fashion--and steve let the army fucking experiment on him without letting his good ol’ pal bucky know that his last enlistment attempt worked. bucky has aged a thousand years since meeting peter. he would be stressed all day, every day, seven days a week, but he gets to time share his stress with frank castle, which alleviates some pressure. 

Bucky hadn’t reached out to Steve at this point—who was tearing apart the world looking for him—and Peter was a very firm believer in bucky’s right to heal on his own timeline. So, when Steve spots Bucky near one of their old haunts in Brooklyn, he’s elated, and Bucky is less than elated.

Peter, who was coming to meet bucky, takes exception to this fact.

He just sort of gets in Steve’s way in the street, acting like a random passer-by, and Steve, in his rush to get to bucky, grabs him by his bare forearms to move him out of the way when Peter keeps getting in his path. This is, of course, exactly what Peter wants, because he immediately activates his stickiness and Steve now physically cannot let go of this obvious child.

Peter immediately proceeds to give an Oscar winning performance of “terrified child in the process of being kidnapped, please, please, this isn’t my dad, someone save me.” He tries to fuck off immediately after, but he gets snagged by Sam and dragged into Avengers tower for questioning as to what the hell he just did, how the hell he just did it, and how is he involved with bucky.

Peter decides the only way out is through and that he just has to lean into the kidnapped child thing. He just. Immediately starts gaslighting the fuck out of everyone. He didn’t do anything, that’s insane, their theory is that he can, what—become sticky at will and somehow force captain America to drag him around by the arms? he’s fourteen and an honor student and he wants his aunt, oh god is he actually kidnapped by the avengers. He cries. It’s mildly humiliating.

It’s also extremely convincing, because like. He’s fourteen and an honor student. he’s crying. Why would this random child have any affiliation with the winter soldier? And what could he have done to make Steve grab him by the arms and drag him around—become sticky at will? That’s insane.

So he convinces everyone that Steve saw someone who was just a bucky lookalike on the street, snapped, had a nervous breakdown, lost control of his own strength, and almost kidnapped a fucking child. Including Steve. Steve also thinks he had a breakdown and almost accidentally kidnapped a child. But, good news, Peter really really doesn’t want to be on Ellen as the kid who almost got Datelined by Captain America, so he’d love to just go home and never talk about this ever, please and thank you. they really lucked out of a lawsuit, if you think about it. So he manages to gaslight them into letting peter go with their profuse apologies, and they’re actively making plans to ship Steve off to a wellness retreat on one of Tony’s tropical estates, because obviously the stress of hydra and looking for bucky has just been too much for him. He snapped and almost caused the most difficult to explain PR scandal ever. 

This, of course, all fails, because Peter accidentally unlocks his phone with Face ID while they’re giving him back his stuff, and a photo of him with Bucky is his home screen. He is very high intelligence, very low wisdom.

“Huh,” says Peter, into the damning silence. “I almost gaslit my way out of that like a girlboss.”

And then he immediately shoved his phone down his pants and announced that he would personally make sure that anyone who went after it would never be allowed in a school zone again. It devolves from there.

I loved it. It was so funny. It was peak chaos. Peter will never apologize for his actions. Foggy tries to get him to, and Peter says “I’m not sorry and I would do it again” and Foggy has to be like “HAHAH kids say the darnedest things please don’t press charges.” Matt keeps having to leave the room to laugh. Karen gets all teary-eyed with pride whenever Peter does does anything illegal, so she’s useless at scolding him. I had to scrap it in the end because it was a very big narrative point—Steve finding bucky again—that could be used in much more effective ways. It was devastating but made for a stronger plot.

I fully agree—a lot of fandom makes peter like, pretty spineless and helpless. I think there’s a big difference between making him young and making him a damsel which a lot of fanfiction misses. I, personally, like him insane. Ironically, pottery shards peter is probably the tamest peter i have in my drafts. 

Jack murdock was this lasting point of interest for me where I desperately wanted a fanfiction where he lived and there just really wasn’t a lot of options. Lying by Omission by deniigiq was really the only thing that had fun with an alive Jack murdock, but I really, really wanted a Jack who just managed to survive canon. Roscoe Sweeney taking Matt instead was the obvious choice, which—it has such fascinating implications for guilt that I was obsessed. I’m glad you also like it.

I’m glad you’re enjoying pottery shards and acts! Thank you for the kind words!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

natch for the record these + a lot of kind Likes and replies = my victory

[luupetitek]

I'm still alive! Aka BIG UPDATE on my life

Hello everyone! Hello to my old and my new followers! And thank you so much for staying with me, even though I’ve disappeared quite abruptly. It’s been a looooong time since we last “saw” each other x’) I’m sorry for being so inactive through the last… how long… 2 years?? Wow... so yeah. It’s been a while x’V

And a lot of it was caused because of my work and lack of motivation to draw anything not job oriented, or be active on any social media, just hidden inside my comfort bubble with my closest friends. But as the time passed I started to grow more and more into showing up and at least giving you some update on what’s going on. Though, since there’s A LOT of things that happened through those years, I’ve decided to group it into some smaller sections, to make it more ordered and readable x’) And for those who don’t feel like reading EVERYTHING, I’ve prepared some TL;DR at the bottom too :v so don’t worry seeing this WALL of text. (Btw, this journal doesn't contain spoilers. Alerts are just announcements)

Let’s get started!

1. Job

You may remember from my last post that I’m currently working for an animation studio, creating a new Netflix cartoon - "Kajko and Kokosz”, which, to this day, is true. I’ve had some other additional jobs here and there in the meantime, but this one didn’t change, and what’s more, I’ve even got a promotion! I’m no longer working just on the backgrounds. I’m also a layout creator and an animator!!! :D And what’s even more, recently I’ve become an animation lead assistant too! You have no idea how HAPPY I am, as it was always my dream to work as an animator for some bigger production! That’s why with the future releases of new seasons, you’ll not only see illustrations done by me, but also CHARACTERS ANIMATED by me! ٩(>∀<)۶

And who knows, maybe one day, as I’ll progress more, I’ll get a chance to be a lead animator in some future productions as well! Sooo happy to finally be able to move further with my career ♥

2. My life and debt

Along with promotion, a rise came as well, which made me less stressed in the money field, as for now I’m finally able to fully support my family and not overwork myself. Although less stressed doesn’t mean completely stress free, as the problems with my parents' debts and the issues connected to it are still following us and I’m still struggling to break free from them. Not to mention the latest problems with inflation in my country, which also made my rent go up by 30%. That’s why I still feel under pressure and that also makes me unmotivated for many things, as I still need to focus on getting out of this situation rather than on making my life happy. And I can see how much the last years have changed me into a stressed, very insecure, workaholic scrooge, that’s jealous of those who can spend their money as they please, on some entertainment and not just to live and not be homeless. Who feels like time not spent on working and earning money is wasted, the same with money spent on things that aren’t truly a super necessity. Which resulted in my health getting worse, as I felt like spending money on doctors is a waste as well, as I’m still walking and breathing and only my looks and mental health suffer because of it. Which, at that time, didn’t feel like a big sacrifice, since working as a freelancer and living with my mom, who’s responsible for groceries, I’m very rarely going out anyway, becoming sort of a hikikomori. Though now, feeling a bit of a relief with my more stable incomes, and finally health insurance, I’m trying to fight these beliefs, even if it’s not easy and will probably take some time to fix. Still my situation is getting better and now I’m trying to respect my free time and really do something I enjoy, starting to care for myself too. For the first time in those 5/6 years even taking some days off to go on vacation! Trying to grab some of my youth, before it will be gone forever and the only thing I will be able to recall will be staring at my monitor, working. I already feel very bad with all those lost years that have passed on just working and saving what’s yet to save and I can’t not feel bitter about it. But the only thing I can change now is my future, hoping it will become a bit brighter and not throw any more big problems my way. Which I wish for all of you as well! I know the world struggles with its own problems everywhere. Wars, where the recent one affects even my country, as a close neighbour to the victims; escalating prices, global warming, cataclysms… but hopefully there are going to be some good changes to get uplifting news as well. It may take time, but let’s wait.

3. My RPG

In those last two years I’ve started writing a new RPG with my friends. You may remember me mentioning it, as I’ve posted a sketch of one of my characters from it, Bear. It’s the very same one, based on the Zero Escape series, but since then we’ve moved from the first chapter, went through VLR, wrote some additional stories, like childhoods or things in between the events and now are starting to write the last (sadly) ZTD chapter. So no spoilers please! As I’m still in the unknown, while my friend, who already knows the plot, is walking us through it as a DM, revealing new information bit by bit 👀 And what can I say other than… OH MY GOOOD THIS GAME IS AMAAAZING! IT’S ONE OF THE BEST RPGS I'VE EVER BEEN INTO AND I'M SUPER HYPED AND I LOVE THIS GAME!!11!!1 Yes, it's exactly the same as I wrote before, but what can I say! It’s really a very goood story and I can’t wait to learn the big reveal! And I ttly love the characters we’ve created and I can’t have enough playing as them ♥ Yes, they’re based on the ones from the original game, but other than some basic things that were needed for the plot, I’d say they’re far from being the same (especially as I couldn’t really meet the true 999 characters as it would result in spoilers x’) ). They’re ones of my most thought-through and deeply planned characters that are just a pleasure to play. The more I’m sad there are no more chapters to play and soon I will have to say goodbye to all those characters that I grew to love through all those years. But once we’ll go through the whole series, I’ll stop being forbidden to play the original and I’d really like to give it a try, to see the differences. Though I might already be biased with our own version x’V Still, even though I can’t say much, based on what I know already, I truly recommend the game! I’ve heard the second chapter is the worst one, and I can see why, but the first one and last one are worth it, I promise! So better start playing, before I’ll upload some spoilers! ;P Which takes us to…

4. My art (SPOILERS coming soon!) and commissions

My lack of submitting anything new was connected to my lack of time, just as well as my lack of motivation. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was just so drained from creative energy, I just didn’t want to look at my tablet any more, as just a thought of having to start a drawing, making a sketch, linearting it and then even coloring was too big of a struggle (and “waste of time” in my workaholic eyes). That’s why most of my drawings ended up in a rough sketch stage, never to be opened again. Right now I’m still struggling with coming back to drawing anything not job oriented, but I’m slowly starting to discover this “phenomenon” anew.

And to answer some of your questions: No, unfortunately, I’m not opening my commissions again. With my current responsibilities, I just don’t have much time for it. Not to mention that I’m trying to cool down with my work time and find some for myself. That’s why I also don’t know when I’d be able to open them once more. But with that gained time I’m trying to come back to my own art, so you can expect some new drawings! I already have some works prepared, that just waited for me to upload and as mentioned above, I still have some unfinished sketches and not started ideas that I’d like to take care of. Though even if I’m probably not gonna come back to my previous rate, I’ll try to upload here more often… like… something. Hoping you’ll like the new content as well! Which, btw, will be highly connected to my new RPG, so ZERO ESCAPE SPOILERS ALERT. Even though the characters are not exactly the same, the plot and many things connected to their stories are, as it was the base that couldn’t be changed. So if you’re planning to play the games, be aware of it while looking at my upcoming works and reading the descriptions. But don’t worry, Zero Escape things won’t be the only ones I’m about to post ;) As there’s also something new, I’m very passionate about lately~

5. New, old hobby - SPACE!

I’ve always been a big space fan. Even at school, if there were some science contests, I couldn’t ignore the astronomy ones. Unfortunately physics, which should also contain astronomy, usually had a very small portion of it, focusing on other branches, mostly classical physics, that were less interesting to me. So the maximum amount of knowledge I got were some basics like how many of the planets in the solar system there are or the most known astronauts and that’s quite it. That made the school subject not very interesting to me and lessened my interest in astronomy and physics as well, as I wasn’t getting anything to fuel my curiosity, having to focus on the things I’d actually have at my exams. But now, after playing the new RPG, that contained a big portion of quantum physics and astronomy knowledge, kind of forcing me to learn things about it to understand it better, it reminded me of my early childhood affection and my love blossomed again, strong as never before ✨ Since that I spend most of my free time learning new things about astronomy and some quantum physics, trying to make up for all those “lost years” and be up to date with news about space, learning about constellations and astrophotography as well. I don’t have the best equipment for that, nor money to buy some better lenses or cameras x’) Though it’s still cool to experiment and to actually see more of the stars and night sky after exposing it. Or the Andromeda galaxy! Maybe just as a blurry dot, but the fact is exciting nevertheless. Here are some examples of my best photos I’ve taken so far (in a big city, so guess they’re not the worst :P ). Featuring Mars with Pleiades on a first one and Saturn and Jupiter on the bottom.

As for the upcoming events, I can’t wait for Jupiter’s great opposition on September 26th, which will make the closest approach to Earth since 1963! Very good opportunity to observe it even without a telescope and it’s so beautifully bright on the sky ♥

The other one would be more local, as it’s gonna be a partial solar eclipse on October 25th, but maybe some of you will got a chance to see a total one~ jealous.

Anyway, don’t be surprised to see some more signs of me being a space freak as I’m preparing some new series about the topic :D

6. My hair

At first I wasn’t going to add an update to this one, thinking no one would probably remember about my goal to reach Vasdorl’s hair length, but I’ve been proven wrong as some people asked me about it, to know how is it going. So! Here is the photo from this year’s spring, showing the maximal length I’ve managed to grew my hair :D From which I’m quite proud, as it’s also the longest hair I’ve had in my life, and I was trying to grow my hair before too.

Though it unfortunately didn’t change the fact it wasn't in the best shape. I was both super proud of it and super self-conscious, as together with my problems with excessive hair loss and my depression, made caring for them way harder and turned them more into uneven, broken shreds of my dream. That’s why this summer I decided to close this chapter and cut it short.

I’ve been wanting this type of hairstyle for some time already, but I still wasn’t sure if I should scrap so many years of dedication. But as my long hair was gradually making me more unhappy than anything, there was no going back. And I have to say I’m not regretting it at all! I also realized that as much as I still adore long hair and people who can do wonders with it, it’s not something for me and I feel much more comfortable with a so called “men’s haircut”, giving me that more agender look that I’m aspiring to. That’s why I’m not bothered by it that much and I like the change

7. My cats

Fortunately, nothing changed here, in a positive way. I’m still an owner of two cute fluffy siblings <3 Kajtek ♂ and Sasza ⧬

Lately Kajtek’s been a bit ill (bladder infection), but it’s nothing very serious and since he’s getting his medications, he’s getting better, so nothing to be worried about! And as always, he can keep bothering helping me at work.

-TL;DR summary-

I still work at the same place and on the same series, but I’ve got a promotion to an animation lead assistant! With a more stable paycheck and with a health insurance. Now working not only on background illustrations, but also layouts and animations which was always my dream ♥

Still struggling with my parent’s debts and some problems associated with it, but it’s better than it used to be and now I’m able to fully support my family and not overwork myself. Though it’s still serious enough to keep me stressed and make me unable to close that chapter, to take a big relieved breath. Still I’m trying to fight my demons and focus not just on work, but myself too, to not only live, but also enjoy my life.

PLAYING THE BEST RPG I'VE EVER BEEN INTO AND I'M SUPER HYPED AND I LOVE THIS GAME! It’s based on a Zero Escape series, but I’ve never played it before so everything that’s happening is a surprise for me. If you’ve never played it, go do it! ;D Currently starting to play the last, ZTD chapter.

I’m not opening my commissions and since I’m not very productive lately, there’s not gonna be tons of new artworks showing up, but you still can expect new works soon. Mostly connected to my new RPG, that’s why… ZERO ESCAPE SPOILERS ALERT! Even though the characters are not exactly the same, the plot and many things connected to their stories are, as it’s just the base that couldn’t be changed. So if you’re planning to play the games, be aware of it while looking at my upcoming works and reading the descriptions. But don’t worry, Zero Escape things won’t be the only ones I’m about to post ;)

I’M A SPACE FREAK NOW! 🪐💫✨ Hope you like the photos and look out for the great Jupiter opposition and eclipse!

I’ve grown my hair, but due to some health problems, I’ve cut them short and I’m happy with my decision (*¯︶¯*)

My cats are still cute and fluffy ଲ(=①ω①=)And Kajtek still likes to bother help me at work.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, that’s everything I can think of right now and I think it sums those last two years quite nicely. If you’d have any more questions about any of the topics, feel free to ask. And also hope you’ve been doing fine! Or at least better too …and that this place is not dead yet x’) I’d gladly see who’s still here and meet new people. Not sure if artists have already found the perfect site to be active on? Still not moving from here, but I’ve heard about the big migration to Instagram, but I’ve never liked it and since it’s starting to change into another TikTok lately, focusing and promoting mostly reels, I’m not sure if it’s gonna stay the same, as it’s already been quite hard to be noticed there, without being popular already on some other sites and with the algorithm hiding your posts even from your own followers. Please, let me know what you think!

By that time, happy to be here again! And thanks for your support. Stay safe (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

[adhd-attention-deficit-dumbass]

Any tips for focusing on schoolwork? The quarter ends next week for me and I have 12 missing assignments but I can’t just sit down and do it smh. My meds don’t do shit to help me so I basically run on caffine and Doritos

I was planning on making a longer and more detailed post about this since I struggled with the exact same thing last semester but I’ll do a quick one since you’re in a hurry!

-Ask a university student with ADHD

How to overcome executive dysfunction and just get it done!

A quick overview for the stressed and depressed ADHD student

All strategies mentioned are ones I have tried during a very stressful period in my life and I can happily announce that I succsessfully passed all my re-exams!

1. Study at the library or a similarily quiet place, by no means attempt to study at home or god forbid a café you’ll regret it.

Studying at the library takes so much less effort and energy than studying at home or in s noisy café, save your precious energy for focusing on your work instead of trying to avoid distraction

Libraries are great and full of people who are also studying which will help you feel more motivated!

2. Get rid of your phone 📱

This one ☝🏻 oh boy, it was a game changer, I know you think you may have the discipline not to get distracted but it makes a world of difference

Put your phone in a seperate room on silent if you can, this is the most effective way.

If not, put it at the bottom of your bag and make it as hard as possible to find

Use wireless headphones 🎧 for music so you don’t have to keep your phone within arms reach

3. Write down exactly what you’re doing and divide into small easily doable tasks

Part of the struggle is not knowing what to do, or the task feeling too big and too hard. Write down the task in steps, as many as you need, as simple as you can. Break them down to the smallest and most easily done bits until you feel like you can handle them.

Example: For uni last semester I had 3 smaller tests per week apart from the usual exams. We had to translate between 1500-3000 words every two days on our own and during lectures We’d do a quick 15 min test based on what we’d read that would affect our final grade.

”Translate 2000 words” sounds like a lot so the way I did it was that I put the text into a word file and dived it into seperate paragraphs

I’d end up with 10-12 paragraphs and that would be my focus

So if I had two days to translate, I’d translate 6/12 paragraphs the first day and the remaining 6 the next day

It feels much easier than sitting with a document of seemingly endless work. Because we can have a hard time planning and looking ahead, it helps to give yourself some structure

4. Check off and visualize finished tasks to boost motivation ✅

Again, using last semester as an example

The way I did it is something I call:

The heart strategy❤️

At this time I was obsessed with Zelda games and I randomly drew a little heart in my planner while thinking of Zelda and thought ”huh, what if I used ”video game hearts” as a representation for my own work?” And I have been doing it religously since.

The way I did it was I drew 12 hearts in my planner in a line like this, seperating them with a line in the middle.

🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍 | 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

When I finished translating a paragraph I would fill a heart with a bright pink pen because I love pink💗 It was almost like a reward and it made me more motivated to keep going, it also provided a visual to let me know how much work I had gotten done and how much was left

So when my planner looked like this:

💗💗💗💗💗🤍| 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

It would motivate me because it meant I was almost finished for the day and I knew that I had completed half of the task already.

5. Wireless noise cancelling headphones 🎧 + ADHD friendly music

Noice cancelling keeps you from getting distracted by 🗣🎶👏🏻✍🏻👣

Wireless is just amazing in general but it also keeps you away from your phone which will often distract you even when you’re trying hard. Some models allow you to even change songs without touching your phone, which is super helpful

Make a list of music or find good mixes on youtube/Spotify that are not distracting 🎶 They can be motivational and upbeat or slow and relaxing, whatever helps you the most

I have a ”Motivational study songs” list with a lot of upbeat high tempo songs that are about reaching your goals, a mix of rock, pop, Disney and musical songs

Never gonna give you up by Rick Astley is the perfect ADHD study song idk why but it just works wonders for me

But some days the upbeat music is just too distracting so then I put on classical music (mostly Tchaikovsky) or a lofi youtube video. Changing up music is good since your ADHD brain will get bored of the same thing easily

There are also quiet and very aestethic ”☕️study with me 📖” videos on youtube that are like 2 hour long where a person just sits quietly and studies

they can be great because it makes you feel like you have a study buddy but they wont distract you by talking 🙊 as long as you don’t get distracted by them

That’s all for this post! BELIEVE ME i tried SOOO hard to keep it short and it was a lot longer at first i’m sorry if it’s a lot to read🙈

I hope some of this is at least somewhat helpful. Thank you for reading and good luck with your studies!💗

[soysaucecas]

MEGSTIEL (this is just to give you an excuse to talk about megstiel)

THANK YOUUU

i think ppl who hate this ship bc of meg’s actions in s1/2 are incredibly valid but other than that well.

[ID: an edited 5-star google review that reads, “Do not believe any ratings that is less than 5. Its a ship with the most pleasant interactions. What’s the last star you’re holding off. Is it the scenes were too sexy, too fresh, the chemistry was spread too generously. Stop being jerks.” /end ID]

there is so very much to say about them but i’m gonna just make a bullet point list of my main thoughts right now

- the way cas’s rebellion from god and his father parallels the way meg is constantly looking for gods and fathers (through azazel, through lucifer) and then chooses tfw as well is sooo good and i wish they got to talk more about that

- this fanart always makes me scream and cry and perish. any post about them being girlbestfriends in s7 makes me scream and cry and perish. this is a time when cas feels soo lost and guilty and meg feels so directionless and they find meaning in each other! she’s a demon who kills other demons and an angel to save HER angel and it all happens in ONE episode! oh my god!

- the scene that initially got me into megstiel was seeing the gifset of him wrapping her wrist in 8.17 and the thing is. physical touch is so lacking in spn and cas very rarely gets to give physical comfort and meg very rarely receives it and also. cas has healing powers he could literally just zap her wrist back but instead he chooses to painstakingly wrap it in bandages while flirting with her about festering wounds like. oh my fucking god. and then there’s ALSO the chance that cas CAN’T heal her bc his grace would somehow Interact with meg’s demonhood which is also SUCHHH a sexy concept and couples so well with meg’s “i feel so... clean” after their makeout session in 6.10. the idea that something in their natures is fundamentally oppositional and yet they are making it work...

- on a similar note the fact that when cas sees her (as evidenced by his reaction as emmanuel in 7.17) he doesn’t see rachel miner (*twirls hair* *giggles*) but her true demon face? like i loveee meg but i am not going to try to say that rachel miner ISN’T a huge part of that so the fact that that isn’t even a Factor for cas speaks more to the strength of their connection. also i love the idea that meg can see hints of CAS’s trueform or even that looking at cas hurts her eyes like looking into the sun and yet SHE KEEPS DOING IT. sorry for getting obsessed with good omens a few years ago and subsequently being obsessed with demon/angel relationships forever. as if it’s my fault

- they’re literally nice to each other idk how to stress that more. they’re NICE to each other and she DIED FOR HIM

- i just think meg’s moral code of picking a cause and devoting herself to it is sooo... i LOVE the idea of characters without an internal moral compass still Choosing to be good. which is why i also love thinking about meg being soulless jack’s cool aunt through cas. i love meg lives aus in general regardless of megstiellification. god can you imagine if she was there during human cas

- meg being just like a dean who was never rescued from hell before demonification is such a good thing to think about. i love thinking about cas wishing he had saved her beforehand i love her wishing cas had saved her beforehand and then pushing that down

- megstiel heaven endgame is everythingggg to me. i KNOW in my heart that he meets her in the empty and that she absolutely propositions him to “make it loud” and he laughs and they hug and then jack gets them (and ruby and like. maybe p much everyone else) out of the empty and cas lives with her and kelly and jack as they restructure the afterlife and emotionally support each other i KNOW it

- did i mention they’re nice to each other and she died for him

Send me a ship and I’ll give you my (brutally) honest opinion on it

[pendragaryen]

I'm wishing you a happy new years eve, dear fam, friends and followers- and of course only the best for the upcoming new year 2022! 2022 already... Wtf... The last year seems to me almost like a blur tbh...

I've read my post from last year's NYE and I almost had to laugh-cry or something like that... The hope and the optimism was almost unmatched. What has changed, so that I'll probably be unable to spread much of this positivity today then (even if I desperately wanted to)?

Let's have a look ok?

So, first, and on the brightest note, there's to mention that my family is still healthy, even after almost 2 years of a worldwide pandemic. Even the condition of my father's health had gotten better after the heart attack on christmas eve last year. I cannot stress enough how important these things are to me. Other wishes... had shrunken to almost nothing within the last years. Other things grow much more important to me. Small things. Like a visit of my mom or my sister here and there, seeing my best friend, and if it's just once every three or four months... Talking with friends and colleagues via social media... Decorating my flat and rearranging my furniture... Treating myself and my little hammy with small gifts... The nearby nature and photographing it... Watching all my favourite shows or movies (I'm sooo looking forward to watch Bob's new show Love Me! And the movie, that Beliza is starring in!🧡)... Homeoffice... Scented candles... Coffee... Food...

On the other hand tho it's more than difficult to stay positive if nothing seems to have changed since last year concerning the pandemic. Not really. I see the small steps my government takes in the right directions (more vaccine for example...), but if there's so many people (almost 30 % in my country) who still don't want to cooperate and get vaccinated, I can see us all spiraling down into the next lockdown on a frequent basis... There will always be new mutations of that damn virus. This will never really end. I just really hope that they will be able to create a medication (in combination with vaccinations for example) that can help us to prepare ourselves for that. I heard there's a medication already in the making and ordered. But whether it really helps ALL people? I don't know... I know we're all trying our best to stay positive (more or less) but I'm tired... Gods I'm so so tired... And I do not even start again about my very own mental health condition... no... It would lead to nothing here. Just know that despite the fact that I'm so tired... I'm still here trying, working on myself. It seems to get harder with each passing day though.

I am an introvert. So I was alone most of my time even BEFORE Covid-19, and it was okay for me then. But this situation now... It truly makes it much worse. And I know it's not only me who silently suffers that way. But to know that doesn't help much. There are better days, when I try to remind myself of all the good and small and precious things I mentioned above. And it works. But there are also the "dog days", when it's even hard for me to get up in the morning...

So.. sorry if on this fine new years eve I'm in trouble finding the proper words to send you optimistic thoughts. I have cero expectations for the new year this time. Therefore I can only be positively surprised if things will turn out well in the end, right?

The only thing that I have planned for next year is (like in 2020 and in 2021 as well) my trip to Paris in April and to attend the Spacewalkers Convention, that had been postponed... what was it? 3 times? Or was it already 4 times? I have lost count... And I almost lost my eagerness to go too. This is... frustrating. I blame the pandemic as well as a certain shitheaded showrunner for this, for "killing my mood". It's just me and my way of thinking, I know. I shouldn't let myself be influenced by such things. But as I said, I am getting more and more tired... and so it's really difficult to stay strong and keep up the ability to be... euphoric. And not only in regards to the plans I mentioned above.

However... Let's see what the new year will bring us. We haven't much of a choice, have we? So let's dive head first into it. For all its flaws... earth is really beautiful... It should be our first priority to keep it alive and well. If we try to treat our environment better, I'm sure we would heal some major diseases of mankind itself. And at long last.. maybe even that damn virus.

But despite my own thoughts and state of mind: Of course I'm thinking of you guys and wishing you all the best, lots of health and love and everything you wish for yourself! May it all come true. And may the new year surprise me/us in the best possible way. *whispers* Please...

See you on the other side! Thanks for bearing with me. Thanks for existing. I love you, dear fam.😘🍀🍾🥂🕯

Tagging just a few people, but please note, that my wishes go out to each and every member of the fam🤗 @togetherkru @natassakar @geekyogicheese @bellamyblake @carrieeve @ninappon @roguetwelve @infp-with-all-the-feelings @immortalpramheda @poppykru @kateemcintyre @lee-em-dee @heartbellamy @jeanie205 And a special thought from me to @merlination and @toshihakari

[lalaangeldust]

𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬

-𝐦𝐡𝐚 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬-

[ 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ] : none :)

[ 𝗳𝗲𝗮𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 ] : sero hanta // kaminari denki

[ 𝗺𝘆𝗸𝗶𝗲'𝘀 𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲 ] : in my previous post, i added a lil extra bit about the boys' love languages and i wanted to go more in depth w/ my headcanons :)

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐚

𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

hanta's giving love language is definitely gift giving

he loooooves making lil arts and crafts and even more so when he can give his funky lil art projects to his friends for no particular reason other than he cares for you and likes having you in his life

he has definitely made everyone a tape wallet at one point or another

i saw a blog talking ab how sero would be into stationary and i love it so much please-

he'd use his tape to stick cute notes on ppl's dorm doors with washi tape and pretty glitter pen writing AH

he tried to stay anonymous but it did not last long

mina caught him meticulously sticking a note on her door and his secret was immediately out

i think he'd also make it his goal to remember alll your favorite snacks and keep a stash of them to give to you in class or when you're hanging out w him in the dorms

but as much as he loves to spontaneously give gifts to his friends...

he's absolute shit when it comes to actual thought out gifts for events

if you two are really close and it's your birthday or something, he'd probably panic and wrap himself up last minute

tell you that his friendship is your gift

all in all, he just absolutely adores the way you and his friends light up when he gives you guys things

even more so when you tell him how much you appreciate his lil gifts

it feels great to feel wanted

𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

his receiving love language is, and i can not stress this enough, physical touch

he also likes being physically affectionate w others but he likes it much more when he receives it

if he has romantic feelings for you, he'd flirt a looooot with physical touch

he'd be super aware of what you'd be comfortable with or not though and he doesn't get super touchy

he'd flirt more like- bumping his hips into yours on purpose to throw you off balance

or "accidentally" grazing his shoulder or knuckles onto yours while you two are walking together

it's really cute

but god forbid YOU initiate anything touchy

absolute putty in your hands if you play with his hair, mans will get goosebumps if you play with the hair at his nape

just throw him some puppy eyes and offer him a hug and he'd do practically anything for you

please compare hand sizes, he will melt

HOLDING HANDS if you grab his hand like- LIKE

that troupe where you're like

"can you hold something for me?"

"ofc, doll, what do you want me to hold?"

and you hover your hand above his like you have something in it but you just slip your fingers between his and squeeze his hand

AHHHHH

he is in shock

he'd swipe his nose with his thumb as he looks away to not so subtlety hide his blush as you just smile innocently at him, still holding onto his hand

sure fire way to get him to fall head over heels for you

𝐤𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐢 𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐤𝐢

𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

alright we've all known this, this is absolutely nothing new

denki's love language is 100% physical touch

and he is sooo much less subtle about it than sero is

literally any excuse to touch you

so much so he'd be kinda oblivious to boundaries and would honestly feel really bad if you were to tell him to stop touching you

he'd would stop immediately but he would probably feel pretty embarrassed about it later

adhd rejection sensitivity dysphoria

but if you are comfortable with it and don't tell him to stop, he's all over you

he'd totally ask if he can braid your hair no matter how short it is and of you have textured hair he will try his damn best to learn how to work with it

don't expect anything good though :|

you guys without a doubt have a secret handshake and he is so smug ab it too

he absolutely adores the idea you two have something that no one else knows

i said this in my last post and i will say it again

tickle fights

they'd come outta no where too

you two would be studying together or some shit and he'd sneakily slip his hands to where he knows you're most ticklish and just attack you completely unprovoked

he won't stop till you're in tears too

give him a swift punch in the shoulder, he deserves it

𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞

WORDS. OF. AFFIRMATION

please for the love of god tell kami how great he is, he really needs it

as someone who gets poked fun at for appearing dumb because of his quirk, it sometimes gets to him and makes him feel pretty small

but even just the tiniest encouragement from you gets him right back up

remind him how much you love him whether it be platonically or romantically, he appreciates it so much

giving cuddles while whispering lil affirmations and sweet nothings to him will nearly bring him to tears

JUST TELL HIM HOW IMPORTANT HE IS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD-

he feels like such a burden a lot of the time, especially when it comes to his quirk and how much of a dead weight he feels when he goes "whey" mode

but you always come to his aid and genuinely ask if he's ok and he internally melts every time

ok but if you're somewhat motherly or start babying him, he will milk the shit outta that

like that one tiktok where he's getting bullied by the bakusquad and you're unaware that that's just how they show affection to one another and you start babying him

HE GETS SO SMUG- THE BASTARD

OK THIS IS AWFUL BUT IF YOU TWO ARE DATING HE WOULD TOTALLY BABY TALK AHHHH

he purposefully acts like he's hurt and talks like a fuckin child and everyone else watching is just disgusted

god forbid you baby talk back

that's just your thing now

baby talk :|

𝒇𝒊𝒏 . ✩

[reverielix]

Excuse me Sir, Sorry to bother you. But frankly I'm new to this astrology topic but it's very fascinating to say the least.

Friend asked me to do a natal chart? No clue. Have no clue. Saw the previous post, was wondering if you help a stranger out here ? Lol.

Hi haha!

I’m a Miss but OFC I CAN TELL YOU MORE ABOUT IT! (Can you tell I’m excited? Lol) I’ll be seizing this opportunity to make an...

Astrology basics masterpost

Okay first off, the natal chart is a “snap shot” of the sky when you were born with the earth in the middle. There are 4 compounds that birth charts are made of:

1. The signs

You’ve definitely already heard of zodiac signs. In astrology, the sky is divided into 12 equal parts, each reserved for a sign starting at Aries and ending at Pisces. It goes like this: Aries ♈️, Taurus ♉️, Gemini ♊️, Cancer ♋️, Leo ♌️, Virgo ♍️, Libra ♎️, Scorpio ♏️, Sagittarius ♐️, Capricorn ♑️, Aquarius ♒️, Pisces ♓️

Basically, each sign is associated with certain character traits (which range many more than I or any singular source could encompass in short, I left a few links for gathering information in the end of this post). But it always depends on how evolved the person is. Aquarians CAN be detached if not evolved, but also have many more qualities such as their modality and element (which imply traits such as their innovative nature, intellect, hunger for knowledge, empathy, sociability,...)

So basically there are 4 elements (fire, earth, air and water) in astrology and 3 modalities (cardinal, fixed, mutable) which all carry certain meanings to them. Those elements and modalities are evenly distributed within the zodiac and move along the signs in the order I wrote them up above. So we start with cardinal fire (Aries), then we follow up with fixed earth (Taurus), after that we’ve got mutable air (Gemini), then again a cardinal sign but this time belonging to the water signs (Cancer), and so on. Additionally, all earth and water signs are of negative polarity while fire and air are of positive polarity.

The signs are the outermost circle you see when looking at your birth/natal chart. (On the left, where the arrow points, for instance, was Virgo ♍️ when & where you were born) They represent the way that you express a certain core part (3rd point) of yourself.

2. The houses

The numbers you see around the innermost circle with the lines in it are the houses. Each house is ruled by a sign in modern astrology: Aries is the first sign, so it rules the first house,...). This means that each house is afflicted with one sign and its qualities and traits.

Each house represents an area of life: The 4th house—ruled by Cancer—represents the home, comfort zone, where we crave for stability and emotional support as well as a lot more.

The angular houses ruled by cardinal signs, so: the 1st house (ascendant/rising), the 4th house (ic/ Imum Coeli), the 7th house (descendant), the 10th house (mc/midheaven) show in the picture you sent me with arrows and have a special significance in the chart + also have aspects (4th point) to them shown.

The first 6 houses are afflicted most with yourself and the last 6 houses have to do with your social/public self (e.g.: 2nd house has to do with resources and the 8th with shares resources). This can also be applied to each sign ruling the house.

3. The celestial bodies

When somebody asks what your zodiac sign is, you would answer with Capricorn, when in actuality, it’s just your sun sign (so one of many zodiac signs in your chart).

Each celestial body represents a core part of the human psyche/personality and also rules a/two sign(s) and with that a/two house(s). Another terminology for rulership can be domicile (e.g.: Saturn is in domicile in Capricorn).

Every planet is afflicted with the signs (and houses) in the form of essential dignity (whether in terms of exaltation/fall or detriment/domicile)

The sun rules Leo and the 5th house. These connections are made as to better understand each house/sign/planet and clarify/stress the connections between these three “compounds”. So, ruling Leo and the 5th house, the sun represents how we express ourselves and how we perform along with our egos, overall sense of identity and self-awareness among other things.

Before you say that you (know people who) don’t relate to their zodiac sign or don’t seem to present yourself/themselves like that at all: a placement (celestial body in a sign in a house) always depends on the aspects and also the house that nobody talks about. You’re not only a Capricorn, but a Capricorn sun in the 4th house conjunct Mercury,... (+ other aspects). Your sun in the 12th/7th/8th houses (houses, among others, afflicted with the subconscious) can mean that your way to express yourself is more in the background or not quite figured out yet. (With Leo in the 12th house that may also apply to you:) In the case of the 12th house, you may want to express yourself, but don’t exactly know how to...

Also, all of your chart matters! The sun sign is only a part of it, though one of the 3 most important placements (sun, moon, rising).

For the following paragraph keep in mind: personal/inner celestial bodies/planets (houses and signs matter equally), generational/outer planets/placements (houses matter most because they move slowly along the zodiac. the slower they move, the less the sign matters.)

The celestial bodies used in astrology aren’t limited to a certain amount as asteroids can also be interpreted/also have meanings but the most commonly used and talked about are: the sun, the moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars (Nodes, Vertex — aren’t celestial bodies but fall into the “sign & house are important” category and are a tool that function/are illustrated like celestial bodies), Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto (Chiron, black moon Lilith)

You can see each celestial body’s name listed with its symbol in the bottom right corner of the screenshot you sent me and can then look at the circle between the signs and house numbers for where they are placed.

Lastly, planets are afflicted with each other as well since generational planets can be higher octaves of personal planets, and “get along” or don’t “get along” just like the signs, whose compatibility is determined by...

4. The aspects

The expression of every planet depends on these! Aspects show the relationship between two placements and how they connect into one whole personality (Additional information about humans in general: our personality integrates at around the ages of 7 to 9. Before that, we have different needs and wants but not one integrated personality that is made of interwoven traits, qualities,...). They point out how many degrees two or more placements are away from each other (e.g. 180deg = opposition). So when you look at your own chart, you can see that Virgo ♍️ and Pisces ♓️ are in opposition to each other. This also means that people born during Pisces season and people born during Virgo season celebrate their birthdays approximately 6 months apart from each other (because the sun needs a year to transit through the signs).

There are major and minor aspects. Major aspects are usually displayed in the innermost space of the circle using different colored lines and are an umbrella term for: the opposition, the square, the conjunction, the trine and the sextile. Minor aspects are usually listed in extended chart selection options (semi-sextiles, quincunxes, quintiles,...)

Those are then divided into hard/challenging (square, opposition,...), neutral (conjunction,...) and soft/harmonious (trine, sextile,...) aspects. Example: your Sagittarius Mercury (communication, (early) education, rationality, speech, day-to-day expression, perfectionism/detail-orientation,...) in the 4th in a trine (same element, a “flow of energy”) with your Aries moon (emotions, empathy, feelings of security, nurture, comfort,...) in the 8th can indicate potential for the verbal expression of your emotions. You may let your emotions out by talking to people who you live with or your immediate family. Moreover, you could have a desire to write about your emotions in a philosophical/educational way to make others think, but decide to keep your writing to yourself or your closest circle nonetheless. One could chat about an aspect for sooo long just because there are so many things associated with the houses, signs, aspects and celestial bodies. There are so many different angles to take and you’re never done learning about astrology.

Whenever you ask somebody what sign is most compatible with yours, you’d look at the aspects between your sign and other signs to determine if your placements are in a harmonious relationship with each other, though synastry (astrology of compatibility between two birth chart) is much more complex then that.

Lastly, aspects don’t go specifically with one sign/house/celestial body, and some placements can also be unaspected. There are also things such as retrogrades, chart shapes, aspect patterns, dominant signs, persona charts, interceptions and much more but that would definitely go beyond the scope. Let me know if you’d like for me to make a post going in depth regarding those things.

How astrology on social media and day-to-day life has been altered to be regarded as something it is not:

The key is to view modern astrology less as a predictive tool or proof for assumption—because frankly it isn’t—but more as a tool to recognize psychological patterns and behavioral tendencies, which ultimately are what astrology illustrates through elements in the sky. So, no, actions cannot be justified because somebody has a certain placement. (As I mentioned above, it is crucial to regard that placements can be evolved or not evolved and therefore can “manifest” (not the candles in a circle for clear skin and money kind lol) differently). Lastly, astrology doesn’t tell you what to do and you alone have the power over your behavior. You can break free from the patterns illustrated and tendencies pointed out. It’s all about who you choose to be.

Please mark that the links for planets, signs and houses don’t encompass everything that the planets/houses/signs illustrate. For more information I recommend Hannah’s Elsewhere, astro-charts, astro.com, cafe.astrology or astrology.com (lmk if you know about more sources).

[woolieshubris]

Aquarium Date Fic !! Kagehina, but kag!asd. Kageyama pov. 2k words, oneshot. Tw : Sensory Overload! (it's present throughout the whole fic) Made partially for @spixi and partially so i could prove to myself that i can If there's a typo no there isnt <3 If you are an IRL this post doesn't exist <3

I typed out my message and pressed send, throwing my phone onto my bed.

Maybe I should go grab a snack or something... I think to myself, when I suddenly hear my phone buzzing against my pillow, and I dive to grab it. He replied to my message. That was fast.

Me : Hey we should go to the aquarium tomorrow.

Hinata : Okay :D sounds good 2 me!

Quickly, with my face quickly going beet red, I drop my phone and go to the kitchen to grab something to stuff my face with. I'm shaking, but as long as I walk quietly, I doubt my family will notice I'm even out of my room.

How should I reply? A thumbs up might be good, but it might be too cold. Any other reply is probably too much... Whatever. I'll go with the thumbs up.

I head back into my room and pick up my phone, typing a thumbs up emoji before covering my face again.

F/ck, I need to come up with something to wear, don't I..?

---

I arrive at the train station, feeling like I probably packed too much. I brought a backpack with an extra phone battery, 2 charging cables, (because Hinata has an apple phone,) and a bunch of snacks, as well as a water bottle.

Did I put on deodorant today??? I can't tell... If so, I'm probably already sweating through it. I start to feel sick to my stomach, but I don't have time to finish that thought when I spot Hinata walking in from a distance. He seems to be wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt, and suddenly I feel overdressed in my jeans.

"Hey! Don't worry, I already bought my train ticket. You ready to go?" He asked while walking up to me. He didn't bring as much as a backpack, and I'm suddenly relieved that I brought so much.

"Yeah. It's coming in 2 minutes. I half expected you to be late." I stated, before realizing what I said. Sh/t! That was rude, wasn't it? I have to be nicer. Ugh. Hinata punctures my worries with a laugh.

"I'm not late that often, am I?" He states. This makes me feel a little worse about my comment.

"Hm. Just often enough." I state, carefully picking my words. I can't backtrack now, but I can try to redirect my speech to seem less biting.

"You only say I'm late because of last time!" He keeps laughing, keeping the mood light. I wish I could speak as easily as him.

"And possibly the time before that?" I reply. This is probably what he wants me to say.

"Shhhhh. What matters is I got here on time AND I have my ticket ready. Don't worry, I also brought enough for the aquarium ticket too!" He states, smiling. His smile is adorable, almost cute enough to distract me from what he just said.

"Oh, I was planning on paying for that." I reply without thinking.

"Ehh? Do you owe me or something? Should I be asking you for money?"

"No, no. I just thought...?" I'm really confused now. I was the one who asked HIM out, right? He knows how these things usually go, right? Maybe he just doesn't know...

"By the way, where are the others? I thought they would have arrived by now."

The... others? What others? The team??? This is a date, right? Wait...

I DIDN'T TELL HIM. I DIDN'T TELL HIM THAT THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A DATE. F/CK.

"I didn't invite them." I respond, my subconscious taking care of what my brain is trying to catch up to.

"You really find them that annoying? I know Tsukki and Yamaguchi can be a bit much sometimes but...?" Confusion flashes across Hinata's face.

"I just wanted to hang out with you. Is that a crime?" I answered before my brain could filter out that last comment. It would be useful in getting him to stop pushing, but it's far too rude for a date. Not that Hinata knows that last part anyway. I wish I could take my words back.

"You should be honored that I said yes in the first place." Hinata teases, my face turning red.

If only he knew what he said yes to.

---

Hinata and I managed to keep from fighting on the 30 minute train ride, which was a feat in and of itself.

I can't ruin this date.

"Hey, Kageyama? It looks like there is a student discount, and it also seems like there is a discount for groups. What do you think would be cheaper?" Hinata elbowed me, bringing me back into focus. I look up. He and I are both equally sh/t at math.

"Uh... Let's do the group discount? I'll pay for it. You can pay me back later." As if I'd let him do that. Hinata bought my excuse though.

"Okay! I can buy you lunch or something." He quickly walked up to the desk, and I followed him. "Can we have 2 tickets?"

Wait. Wasn't I supposed to buy them? If I was the one paying, aren't I supposed to ask? Is Hinata planning on paying???

"Oh, sorry, He'll be paying!" Hinata stated, gesturing towards me.

"Yes. Here's the cash." I quickly press down the bills that were almost getting damp from stress. I had already looked online at ticket prices, and made sure to set aside the perfect amount of money for two tickets in my pockets.

"Great! Let's head inside!" Hinata grabs the tickets, holding mine for me. We go up to the metal detector and I get my bag checked. Hinata, possibly because he has my ticket, or possibly out of kindness, waits for me.

"Can you hand me my ticket real quick?" I ask, throwing my bag back onto my shoulder.

"Sure, let's go in." We walk into the main lobby area, waiting to get our tickets checked. The aquarium is beautiful, and oh so huge. The high ceilings, and smell of saltwater, the giant whale sculpture that I can only assume is life size, and the concrete flooring, these things that on a glance are grand, start to give me a pit in my stomach.

"Kageyama! Come on!"

I look at the horizon line, and recenter myself. A quick yet deep breath and I'm ready to go. I walk up, and turn in my ticket in order to get a wristband.

"Kageyama?" Hinata states, causing me to look over at him. "Can you help me put this on? I can never do it by myself." He holds up the paper slip.

"Yeah, sure." I say without thinking. I wrap it around his wrist.

"Hey, make sure not to make it too tight. They are a pain to get off if you don't give them enough breathing room." I nod my head, and make sure to give him a gap.

"There you go." I let go of his arm, realizing just then how warm my hand is. I can feel my face getting warm too.

"Okay, let me do you now." He quickly fits the bracelet to my arm. "It's perfect! Let's go inside. I wanna see this penguin exhibit that I've been hearing so much about. I keep seeing ads for it and I've wanted to see it forever-"

Hinata kept talking. I don't think he ever stopped talking. It's nice though. It makes it easier to not focus on the huge building, or the shifting lighting, or the crowds, or the ambient music that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. Yup. I'm not focusing on any of that. Not. At. All.

My feet keep walking, despite my worrying. Hinata eventually slows, stopping before the largest piece of glass I've ever seen in my entire life. A giant tank filled with fish. The glass is taller than my house, longer than 3 busses, and blue and endless enough to make my heart stop in my chest.

F/ck.

Hinata turns around, and finds a bench to sit on, patting the seat next to him, while staring into the blue void. You feel like you have to bow down to its majesty. It is terrifyingly blue, terrifyingly enormous. I have never feared the ocean before, but I fear it in this very moment. A spotted whale shark swims past, paying no attention to the many people standing right against the glass.

"I could sit here forever." Hinata practically whispers. The giant tank orders your complete and utter silence. Even amongst a giant crowd, even with the littlest of children, everyone is quiet. The large speakers playing calming bass tones over the crowd of people, barely vibrating the floor.

"Hm. Me too." I reply. I could sit here forever, I feel like I already have sat here for infinity. Like its presence is something I could never escape. The pit in my stomach grows further. I break eye contact with the tank, reaching in my backpack. The zipper can barely be heard over the ambient noise of people shuffling. Was there always that sound? I bend down to look in my backpack. What was I going to get?

"Do you want a snack? I brought some granola bars." I state as I feel Hinata's eyes looking down at me.

"Actually, that sounds really good right now. I was just thinking about food." He states, bringing his head down to meet mine. I rustle around in my bag, and grab out a bar. It is barely bent. Passing it to him over my shoulder, he grabs it and unwraps it, sitting on the bench with his legs crossed.

"Sooo, what exhibit did you want to see?" He asks, taking a bite after.

"What do you mean?" I reply, choking down the pit in my stomach.

"Like... you invited me out here. So, what was it that you wanted to see?" He takes another bite.

"Uh. I just like fish, I guess." I look over at the tank, trying to avoid his gaze. I doubt he'll buy it, but it doesn't really matter.

"Me too! Let's go into the jellyfish room next? I can see the entrance to the penguins here and it looks packed. Explains why it's so much emptier here." He set his feet back on the ground and stood up, waiting for me to join him.

I leaned back down to zip up my bag, and we walked through a doorway into a smaller, darker room. Blacklights lit up the moon jellies as they calmly glided across the tank. Hinata seemed to drift off, but I didn't mind. It would probably be a good idea to be apart for a bit. I could calm down and collect myself quickly.

I walk up to the tiny seahorse exhibit, and look into the tank. I can't see them at all... I thought, when suddenly, I felt my forehead bump up against the glass.

How did I get close enough to bump up against it?

I go to look for a wall to lean up against. Leaning against something should help keep the pit down. I do a quick glance around the room. There are no walls. Only glass, and only fish. I hate fish.

Taking yet another deep and quick breath, I go back to meet up with Hinata. He was looking at a different kind of seahorse.

"Okay, I think I'm ready to go to the next section now." Hinata said, glancing away from the fish and over to the exit door. I nodded, and lightened up the scowl that was forming on my face. I didn't even notice it was happening until I felt my eyebrows aching from the effort. I just hope he didn’t notice.

The exit of the jellyfish room led to a balcony overlooking a lower floor. This must be the back of the aquarium. Below us there seemed to be a small cafe overlooking the sea.

"Here, let's go get some food! I can pay you back for the ticket that way." Hinata pulled my arm over to the down escalator. I step on right after him, and look down at the cafe.

It was very large, and honestly reminded me more of a cafeteria than a cafe, with lots of seating. After we reach the end of the escalator, he walked over to stand in line and stare at the menu. Looking for a good seat, I grab one right by the large window facing the water and set down my bag. I pull out the small amounts of snacks I've already brought to claim the seat and go over to Hinata.

"Hey, so I'm thinking about getting a sandwich. What do you want?" He stood, facing the menu.

"Honestly, just get me whatever you think I'd like." I state. I can't focus on the menu right now; I just don't have the energy to.

"Hmmm... Okay!" Hinata walks up to the register, while I go back to our seats. I'll probably regret that choice very soon, but I have backup food anyways, and I'm sure he'll eat whatever I don't, so it's not like the food will be wasted.

---

What the hell did he order??

I look at my plate, not quite understanding what the dish is even supposed to be.

"You said to get you whatever." He said with a smile, taking a bite of his sandwich right after.

"Whatever I might LIKE. What even is this?" I poked my dish with a spork, and it seemed to swallow it whole.

"No idea. I just pointed at the dish in the buffet." He shrugged. "I thought it might be funny, but it's less funny than I hoped. I expected more of a reaction." He looked up with the last sentence, making eye contact with me, which I broke a moment after.

"Sorry."

"Sorry? What are you saying sorry for? Since when did you say sorry anyways?" There was slight worry behind his voice, though it was hard to tell through his wide grin. To avoid answering, I quickly shove the food in my face. It's not great, but it's not really all that bad either. It's a little cold from sitting out.

"It's.... good." I say with a stuffed face. This causes him to start laughing again.

"You look super angry! That's the sort of reaction I was expecting." When did I even start scowling again? When I took a bite of the food, probably.

"You try it." I say, stealing a chip from his bag.

"I was the one who bought it anyway. I was half expecting you to make me eat it." Am I really that predictable? He took a bite, and made a variety of expressions, before settling on confusion.

"I wouldn't call it good. Maybe okay? It's definitely at least okay." He nodded to himself, taking a sip of water after.

"So, where to after this?" I ask.

---

We ended up on the train home while the sun was setting. It's almost to our stop. It felt so short, but we ended up hanging out for 5 hours. I almost forgot that I wanted it to be a date. I had to give up on that a while ago.

"Hey, we have to get off soon, get ready." I say, tapping his knee.

"Hm? Oh." He wakes up, blinking a few times and leaning forwards in his seat. He glances out the window.

The train stops, and we walk off onto the station platform.

"See you at practice tomorrow!" He says with a large smile, walking backwards towards the exit.

"See you." I reply, gripping the shoulder straps of my bag. I looked down

"I had a nice time on our date!" and with the last word, he turned around, running out of the station.

My head immediately turned upwards to where he was, as I feel my blood starting to rush to my face.

He... HE KNEW?!?

[cancerbiophd]

I've heard from my PI that he thinks I will be graduating next spring/summer, which is such a light at the end of the tunnel. That and reading about your post-PhD have been the only thing keeping me trudging along, especially with my PI asking everyone to start giving their 110%... Any tips for getting through the last year? I just feel like I've been running on fumes before, so idk how I'm going to be giving 110% until my thesis defense.

Hey K.T.! Omg, time flew! I can’t believe you’re already on your last year. Congrats on all your hard work and reaching the final year! I totally know how you’re feeling right now. The last year is the toughest in many ways, especially when dealing with not burning out. I’m glad my post-PhD tales are helping you, and hopefully I can offer some mores words of encouragement here! 

Take more breaks. You’re at a point akin to an old phone that is slowly getting battery-wear and needs to be charged more often throughout the day. You may find yourself working more and more, so to balance, take more and more mini breaks throughout the day. It also helps to plan enjoyable things during these breaks so you always have something to look forward to, and they can be as small as watching another episode of your current show or taking a nap. 

Prioritize your health and well-being. Whatever system is working for you--keep doing it. It’s easy for us to sacrifice the things that keep us healthy when we have a lot of work to do (eg. when our PI is demanding 110%), but it’s especially crucial to keep our health at top shape during these demanding times. 

Work with your PI to compromise, probably now more so than ever. You may find yourself needing to put your foot down and saying no to projects that are unrelated to your dissertation (and some PIs may not be doing this maliciously--sometimes they don’t realize everything you have going on). Related, I would advise not to take on any more new students to train, unless it’s guaranteed to help you with finishing your dissertation (eg. someone dedicated to doing time-consuming data analyses). 

Delegate more to other members of the lab (eg. junior and/or more permanent members). Not only will this free up your energy and time in the lab as you phase towards focusing on writing your dissertation, but it’s also part of passing down your knowledge for a smooth transition once you leave. 

Make a timeline of major tasks and proposed deadlines. This is something my PI had me do continuously throughout my last year--she recommended I print out a calendar of my remaining timeline and to work backwards from my expected defense date so I could get a sense of how much time I had for each task, when the last possible date would be to run any large time-consuming experiments, etc. And then as my experiments were planned out, I could work forward and adjust other deadlines (like my defense date) accordingly. The timeline was definitely not set in stone in any way though--I was constantly revising mine--but it did a) help me get a better sense of how my time could be best structured, b) make the big black tunnel of the unknown future less dark and stressful, and c) show me that “one year” may sound like a long time, but when broken down into experiments and deadlines, it’s not that long at all! Related, this timeline also gave me an answer during job interviews for a ballpark of when I might be able to start. 

But still remain flexible and take everything one day at a time. You can change your timeline--you can extend your defense by a few weeks--but you can’t change your priority to your own health and well-being, or just unexpected curve-balls for that matter. And when the weight of the future feels too overwhelming (which may happen more and more often during the last year), forget about it all and just focus on what you need to do right now, be it the next step in your protocol or the next line of your dissertation. Grad school is very much like climbing a mountain, and the best way to reach the summit is one step a time, and with plenty of breaks along the way. 

Have a buddy who’s going through the same exact process in your support system. There is so much comfort and power in knowing you’re not going through tough times alone. Sometimes there’s no better relief than hearing “omg same here”. It’ll also help during the dissertation process, as they can be a 2nd pair of eyes to help you edit, or someone to help figure miscellaneous things out like what format to use for your dissertation, etc. 

But don’t compare yourself to others. It’s inevitable that some of your colleagues in grad school will graduate before you, and some will graduate after you. I know the thought will always be there, but we have to remember that everyone is on their own uniquely tailored path, so it’s like comparing apples to oranges, and doing so can only lead to bad vibes. (And we don’t have time for bad vibes, do we!)

Consider any extra obligations very very carefully (including those outside of grad school). You may have to ask yourself: “Is this the best use of my time right now?”

Related, I do not recommend starting a full-time position before you’ve defended. Writing your dissertation and preparing for your final defense is already a demanding full-time job in itself, and there just simply isn’t enough hours in the day--or energy--to do that and start a new position at the same time. Two positions that I interviewed at (including the current one I’m at now) asked me if I would be willing to start while I was just working on writing my dissertation, and I’m sooo grateful my PI talked me out of it (as I probably would’ve had to push my defense back by like 2 months if that were the case!) I have more advice on writing a dissertation here. 

This too shall pass. I know it sucks right now. But time will always move forward, and effort will never betray you. You know that you have it in you to keep climbing this mountain, because look at how far you’ve come! 

Good luck! I’m super proud of you, and I can’t wait for the day I can call you Dr. K.T.! And I’m always here for you if you ever want to talk about anything ❤️ 

[makeste]

not (really) BnHA related but do you have personal tips/advice to get better at writing in English? every time I read something you write (be it meta or reactions or other things) I'm flabbergasted with the way your writing seems to flow so easily while staying extremely fun and concise, and your vocabulary which is sooo impressing!

first of all, thank you so much! I wish I had better advice on hand to offer, but all I can think of is basic stuff lol. but it’s what works for me, so here goes.

1.) use a thesaurus. I’m going to be completely honest here lol, my vocabulary is not really that great. or I guess to be more accurate, it’s not that I don’t know the words, it’s that I often have trouble thinking of the exact word I want to use off the top of my head. but I usually do know the right word when I hear it! so I use thesauruses a lot, especially when I feel like the word choice is important for the sake of clarity. my favorite one is powerthesaurus.org; I basically have this open in a tab on my browser at all times ready to go if needed. what I like about this one is that people can rate the suggestions they like best and also add new ones, which in my experience means you’re much more likely to find the word you were looking for close to the top of the list. I use it so much I even donated to them lol.

2.) get your ideas out first, then go back and edit. idk if this is a common thing or not, but for me a lot of times my thoughts are all jumbled around when I first try to write them down. and often I find that if I spend too much time trying to make them sound coherent, I’ll lose the flow of ideas and the post will sort of fizzle out. what works better for me is trying not to worry about that so much when I’m initially writing everything down, and focusing on just getting all of my thoughts out there in text form first. afterwards I can go back and edit and organize them and reword the parts that need rewording.

3.) don’t stress so much about the finer details of your writing. this is a big one for me lol. so for example, for me personally, I struggle a lot with writing transitions. a lot of times when I’m writing meta, I try to organize it point by point (btw it’s helpful to outline these when you’re starting out, if you’re not doing that already). but even when I’m trying to be as concise as possible, these points usually end up being waaaay longer than intended because I have a tendency to go off on tangents about random things (basically, something will pop into my head and I’ll write it down, and my brain will go “oh and ALSO, speaking of this thing...” and then I’ll write several more sentences or even paragraphs about said topic). and then when I’ve finally reached the end of one section and am ready to move onto the next, I often find that it’s hard to make that transition feel natural. there have been times when I’ve fussed about this way too much, because I wanted the wording to feel right, and that really dragged out the whole process.

but what’s helped a lot with this is being willing sometimes to just say “fuck it” and not worrying about it at all and just adding in something like “but enough about that, on to my next point,” or, “anyways I went off on a tangent there but let’s try to get back on track.” basically I just loosened up about it, and I think that’s helped, or at the very least it’s made the writing easier for me. so yeah, I think my general advice here is that if there’s a particular aspect of your writing that you’re struggling with, try to embrace the fact that it’s not going to be perfect, and try to roll with that. and a lot of times it turns out not to be nearly so big of a deal for the people reading it as it was for you writing it lol.

4.) the simpler the better. this isn’t a hard and fast rule by any means, but for me personally, my ADHD brain gets exhausted pretty quickly when I’m reading stuff that uses a more academic tone. even if I can understand it, my brain sort of rebels at the idea of reading it and I really have to focus hard to make it through. so I try to make my own posts as readable as possible. I don’t necessarily try to dumb them down or anything, but I do sort of subscribe to the “explain like I’m 5″ mentality where you’re trying to explain your ideas as simply as you can without actually sacrificing precision or accuracy. I think one of the more effective ways to do this is to try and adopt a less formal tone. a lot of times that one single change will make the thing easier to read, even if you’re discussing something really wild like theoretical physics or whatnot. for me at least, something about a writer being more casual makes it easier to follow what they’re saying without my mind wandering off.

and last but not least, 5.) practice. this is by far the most important thing. people improve their skills with time and repetition. I don’t know if my writing has improved much since I started blogging regularly, but I do know that it’s gotten a whole lot easier. words flow a lot more smoothly for me now than they used to, and I don’t have to stop and think about what I’m trying to say nearly as much. so that’s my biggest piece of advice. write meta, write stories, write whatever you like (but don’t force yourself to do it, though. try to find something that’s easy and fun for you to write about), but just do it as often as you can, and you are guaranteed to improve at it. a lot of people also say to read as much as you can, which is absolutely true as well, but really if writing is your goal than writing is what you have to practice. and it doesn’t have to be anything fancy or formal or otherwise Impressive, either; even just debating with someone on a forum or sharing theories with a group on Discord helps too. literally whatever you feel like doing. try not to focus on how good it is, and just have fun doing it. I know it’s the oldest advice in the book lol, but well, it is for a reason.

so there you go! not sure if any of that helps (especially since I unfortunately can’t offer any advice from a multilingual perspective, since English is my first language and really the only one I’m even a quarter fluent in), but it’s my best effort lol. and the thesaurus really is excellent though so I do recommend checking that out at least. thank you for the ask!

[dearmrsawyer]

well IT WAS A YEAR. it was also emotionally two weeks and five years? lol. its been a lot, but there were some real positives from this year that i wanna reflect on just because! they’re nice to think about!!

i’d love to know if any of you have any positive things from your year that you’d like to reflect on. accepting asks where we can celebrate your little wins too :)

in general i’m just quite proud of myself for how i’ve managed the library this year, given that its just me. its been hard feeling more disconnected from our students, and also trying to provide them with support that can reach across the void created by distance learning. it wasn’t 100% successful all the time! but it can’t be, and i never aimed for that. i just did everything that i felt i could reasonably do as a single individual, and i think i did my best! i spent a lot of this year driving out to post books to our students, or meeting them at convenient locations to do book swaps, and i’ve spent a lot of time coaching academics through online systems over zoom so that they could effectively teach their subjects, and i’ve spent a lot of nights and weekends prepping materials that needed to be made available to students ahead of class, because our academic staff weren’t able to finish them while i was still on the clock (i’m def not trying to @ our academics here! they’ve been delivering material late all year bc of how much extra work they’ve had to take on too! its just the roll on effect bc i’m the last link in the chain). i’ve felt a huge sense of camaraderie with many of my colleagues this year, and am grateful i had them to make this work year more manageable. but i know i’ve been doing a lot of hidden work and i think i did well :)

oh man i loved turning off my wake up alarm in march and never turning it on again!!!! I think i can count the number of times i’ve had to use my alarm on one hand, and they were mostly dr appointments. it feels so comfortable to wake up when my body decides, whether its 6am or after i should already be working LOL. there have definitely been ebbs and flows to how well i’ve slept throughout the year, sometimes i know exactly what’s affecting my sleep and sometimes i have no idea, but regardless, the absence of an impending alarm has been such a nice way to compensate for.. everything else lol

i started growing vegetables!!!!!! I spent a week in March digging out a patch of my yard, and then the next month or two growing seedlings, and i successfully grew snow peas, silverbeet, beetroot and lettuce :D i also added dill to my herb garden, and successfully propagated thyme and lemongrass! i did attempt a few other vegetables that didn’t pan out, mostly because snails kept eating my seedlings jkjdgkj but it was so exciting to successfully grow something that i could then EAT! and i’ve also been able to figure out which vegetables i consider more convenient to grow, for example buying leafy greens can be super inconvenient bc i find its often impossible to use them all before they go bad. they sell greens in such ridiculously large bunches! but growing them myself, i can go out and pick however many leaves i want, and the rest won’t go bad because they’re still on the plant! i also started to stagger how many seeds i wanted to grow which meant they weren’t all maturing at the same time, and i didn’t need to use them all at the same time. 

Supernatural finished this year which was NOT a highlight 😭 but it was originally scheduled to finish in May, and i was given the gift of 6 whole extra months to live with this show as a work in progress. as much as i still wasn’t ready to say goodbye in November (would i have ever been ready), i was given so much unexpected extra time to appreciate being IN it while it was still going. i spent so much of this year reflecting on how big a part of my life this show has been, and how much its given me and shaped me. from the ages of 14 to 29 i was able to live with this show as a close friend, and i’ve never taken that for granted, but i am so thankful for the extra time i was given to reflect and appreciate it even more deeply. also supplementary highlight is how much that ending meant to me <3 the world can think whatever it wants but i was on that journey for 15 years, i was there for every episode, never falling behind or taking a break, and that ending honoured the story i watched, and i am very grateful that the pain of it ending was cushioned by the sense of peace and fulfilment that ending gave me. 

i finally found hair products that WORK!!!!! i’ve had the same hair routine for like a decade (basically sans products) and i thought i should use this extended period of time where i exist unobserved to experiment. i’ve never really bought hair products for myself, i’ve always inherited them from my mum bc she always had a surplus of products she’s collected over the years. our hair couldn’t be more different so i’ve never experienced a product that was particularly effective LOL. i have v dry hair that’s naturally curly/wavy but extremely frizzy, and i have soo much of it!! so many hairs on my head! my mission was to find a way to let it dry naturally without all that frizz popping up, and without having to dry it in two big twists. the only products directed at curly hair that i’ve ever been aware of is mousse, which used to give people that crunchy look that i can’t staaaaaand but i’ve spent a few months buying quite a lot of products and testing them out one after another, and i’ve found a couple that i absolutely LOVE!! this is big for me bc i always structured my week around when i wash my hair (the day of and day after i’m unavailable lol). i’ll still have to structure my time around it somewhat bc it takes so so long to dry, but its going to be less of a drama if i have to do things when its not completely dry yet, and also i just feel like i’m finally getting to let my hair do its own thing without it stabbing me in the back 😂

i think that human connection has probably been more important this year than ever before, and i’ve often felt like maintaining connections requires energy i just haven’t had for a lot of this year. but i also feel like i have been very connected? i feel like i put in the work. my best friend and i shared a few phone calls this year even though neither of us have ever really been big on phone calls (neither of us have ever talked with people on the phone much in our lives lol). i’ve skyped with my Norwegian friend Ellen almost every month this year!! my friend Bel and i started exchanging sporadic voice messages again, which i’ve just loved. i’ve video chatted with Steph even though it was a scary new venture! and it was so amazing! i do feel like i’ve had less interaction with people on my dash this year, but i feel like working from home has changed the ebbs and flows of my energy throughout the day sooo much, and i just haven’t been online as much when other people are, but i’ve spent a lot of time connecting with people over whatsapp! when it comes to family, being around my grandparents was really really stressful for the first half of the year, but as the situation in Australia eased we relaxed enough that we were comfortable to spend time with them without our masks (plus we weren’t seeing anyone else lol). and i was able to make myself available to them more often while working from home, since i live only a minute away! we stopped having our big family lunches until September, and when we were finally able to get back together we enjoyed each other’s company so much. so while i haven’t been face to face with people on a daily basis, i don’t think i’m any less connected to the people that matter than i was a year ago.

[angstyaches]

Oooh, could you possibly do "Have you eaten today?" for the prompt meme?

Thank you for this, anon! (Sorry it took so long, *gulp*.) This is while Shayne’s at the Aldridge townhouse, still settling in and getting to know Felix. 

I HAVE written the conversation Shayne has with Ryan. Please let me know if you’re interested in seeing that posted soon!

CW: hunger, disordered eating, past trauma, food issues, angst.

When to stop talking, and when to start

(Three Boys in a Townhouse)

Shayne stopped at the bottom of the stairs, rubbing at his eyes and shivering. He’d only come down for some water, but now it seemed he was having auditory hallucinations. The TV in the front room of the Devine’s mansion had never worked, but there was a low hum of unfamiliar voices and applause and music leaking from the direction of the front room, and  –

He looked around as he took his hands away from his eyes. The hallway walls were painted crisp white, lit only by a boxy white lamp on an iron dresser; if he were back with the Devines, he’d be looking at Madelyn’s antique display cabinet against a burgundy wall, lit by a handful of candles, if lit at all. But he was miles away, in the Aldridge townhouse.

A low groan of confusion escaped from deep in his chest. He was dizzy and a bit nauseous, now that he took a moment to check in with himself. He rubbed half-consciously at a dull ache in his belly, stopping himself when he realised someone could come into the hallway and see him at any time.

You think your petty ailments matter in the grand scheme of things? The sound of Madelyn’s voice was as clear in his head as it had been in whatever dream had disoriented him. Shayne cleared his throat and tried to look more alive than he felt as he turned left at the end of the stairs, towards the kitchen.

He wasn’t sure if it was the solid day of study or the intense twenty-minute nap he’d just woken up from, but something had seriously messed up his head, along with his body. He felt like he was either going to retch or feel his knees buckle under him at any second, and he just wanted to grab a drink quickly, and get back upstairs before he bumped into Elliott, or Nancy, or Ryan, or especially –

“Oh, hey, Shayne!”

The kitchen was as monochromatic as every other room in the house, with white lighting that was almost offensive. Shayne wasn’t used to seeing the corners of furniture, the details in floor and wall tiles, so clearly. It was like an assault on his senses and didn’t help with the queasy ache in his stomach.

He blinked at the sight of Felix, and again at the smell of food cooking. It must have been earlier in the evening than he’d thought. The air was mostly full of the smell of hot oil, and a lot of steam that was coming from a stocky white contraption next to the microwave.

Felix had been standing near the white appliance and checking his phone, but had looked up at the sudden movement in the doorway.

“Evening,” he said, a soft smile splitting his face.

“Hey,” Shayne said, unable to suppress a shiver. He hadn’t realised just how cold he was until he felt the warmth in the air from food being cooked. He shoved his hands into his pockets, wishing the kitchen had been empty. “Sorry, I’ll be out of your way in a minute.”

“Aw, buddy, you can be in my way all you like.” Felix laid his phone down on the countertop and casually folded his arms. “We nearly straight-up forgot you were in the house. You’ve been revising all day?”

“Pretty much.” Shayne felt Felix watching him as he took down a glass and went to fill it up from the sink. He took a few sips to try to calm the weird shakiness, but the sensation of the cold liquid running down made him shiver again.

“Yeah, its chilly tonight,” Felix said, as though agreeing with something Shayne had said aloud. “Elli and I have got a fire going in the front room. You could bring your books downstairs and study down here, unless the TV would be too distracting.”

Shayne took another sip of water, his hand weirdly unsteady, as he considered the offer. Being near a fire sounded nice, but it wasn’t the TV he was most concerned about being in a room with. Elliott had seemed so cold the past few days, and Shayne didn’t know how to deal with him. Another reason he’d been basically isolating himself in his room.

“I know it probably seems like he’s annoyed and doesn’t want to see you,” Felix admitted, as though he’d somehow read Shayne’s mind. “But Elliott’s just – he’s reluctant to make the first move, after everything. He can be stubborn as hell sometimes. I guess you’ve got that in common, and that’s why you clash horns so often.”

Shayne lifted his head in surprise, the shakiness in his bones suddenly feeding into panicked defensiveness. “I’m not stubborn. Am I?”

“Um, of course not. What was I thinking?” Felix visibly chewed his lip and turned his gaze away. “I think I know the answer to this, bud, but have you eaten today?”

Shayne shook his head slightly. He hadn’t, but he was fine with that. He didn’t want to ask anything of the Aldridges, aside from the space he’d been given to use. Space couldn’t be used up; he could leave the bedroom in the exact same state he’d found it in. It’d be like he was never there, eventually, and he wouldn’t have to feel that he owed them anything.

He’d been feeling so sick and stressed that the thought of food genuinely wasn’t appealing anyway; in fact, the lack of food in his system should have reduced the nausea that had been coming and going since he’d arrived at the townhouse, but somehow it hadn’t.

“You know you…” Felix grimaced and trailed off, seeming unsure of whether he was supposed to laugh now or not.

Shayne gulped against a swelling sensation in his chest. The flash of sympathy he’d just seen in Felix’s eyes reminded him way too much of Charlie’s questions, Charlie’s attempts to feed him, Charlie’s soft expression as he tried to understand. The hollow ache in the pit of his stomach seemed to sharpen slightly; damn it, he’d almost lasted the whole day without letting himself dwell on Charlie…

“You know you’re allowed to eat, right?” Felix finally finished, lowering his voice. “The kitchen’s not just here for show.”

“I – yeah, I know,” he tried to say matter-of-factly. His hands burrowed into the pockets of his jeans and his shoulders tensed so suddenly that they ached.

“You can eat with us in a little while, if you’re hungry,” Felix offered.

Eating with Felix and Elliott. Eating with two whole people; being near them while he put food in his mouth and chewed it up and swallowed it. One person he barely knew and didn’t know how to act around, and one person who pretty thought he was a psychopath. The whole thing sounded like a horror movie scenario.

“Thanks,” he said flatly, gulping against the fear gurgling up the back of his throat. “I’m not hungry.”

“That’s a shame, it’s just – I forgot that Nancy would be out tonight,” Felix went on, glancing towards the white appliance, which was expelling a lot less steam than it had been before, “so I’ve actually made more than enough for the three of us, especially since Elli eats so little nowadays. I always overestimate how much rice I need to make.”

Shayne lowered his gaze again at the mention of Elliott’s name, but looked up again at the white appliance on the countertop. “That thing is for rice?”

“Oh – yeah, you’ve never seen one of these?” Felix’s eyes lit up a little as he looked at the machine too. “It makes the rice come out sooo soft and fluffy, you have no idea. I fried some chicken earlier to go with it.”

Shayne suddenly recognised the sharp ache that had crept down under his ribs and seemed to have wrapped itself around his insides. He moved a hand from the pocket of his jeans and into the pocket of the hoodie he was wearing – Charlie’s – so he could put a little pressure on his stomach.

“My friend Kazu’s older sister taught me how to fry chicken. It’s called karaage in Japanese,” Felix was continuing. “I definitely don’t do it justice, but I like to think I’ve perfected it in my own way over the years. The coating is just slightly crispy, and the chicken stays juicy on the inside. It goes so well with the rice.”

Shayne held his breath and stared at the black and white floor tiles. He really wanted to think of something to say as he felt his stomach start to cramp.

He wanted words to come out of his mouth and distract from what he knew was coming, but his mind went completely blank except for the hot sting of embarrassment.

The deep, traitorous rumble started under his ribs, and even when he pressed his hand a little harder against his belly, the sound still swelled. The pain twisted deeper into his stomach too, making it hard not to wince.

“Are you okay?” Felix asked quietly, after letting a couple of seconds of silence pass over.

Shayne glanced up, his skin still feeling hot with shame at being caught, not only in the lie about not being hungry, but also in this state of needing something. Felix’s easy smile made the tension in his shoulders loosen slightly.

“How about I put some food aside for you to take up to your room?”

“You don’t have to do that,” Shayne said quickly, scratching at his neck. Despite everything, he had to admit to himself that he felt a bit… relieved, at the thought of being able to eat alone.

“I do, actually.” Felix pointed to his own ears. “Even half-vamps have heightened senses, buddy. Elli and I won’t get any sleep if your stomach’s gonna growl like that all night.”

The humiliation clawed at Shayne’s skin like a physical thing, so overpowering that he thought he was going to finally retch. Madelyn’s voice played over his own thoughts again, her tone so sharp it made him jump on the spot.

If you love making stuff disappear down that throat of yours so much, why don’t you make yourself useful and make sure it’s a demon? Instead of wasting actual food and making a pathetic weakling of yourself –

“I’m kidding, bud.” Felix leaned his elbows on the island in the middle of the kitchen and tilted his head to smile up at him. “Hey, I’m really sorry. Okay? I’m – I’m just an idiot over here, not knowing when to stop talking...”

The end of Felix’s sentence melted off into a chuckle, though it sounded off. Heavy. It didn’t sound like Felix. Shayne’s shoulders tensed again as he realised it was his fault. If he could figure out when to start talking, maybe people wouldn’t get so uncomfortable around him.

His belly started to growl again, though this time he just placed his hand over it, feeling a bit defeated. Felix’s gaze flicked up and he gave Shayne a weak half-smile.

“If I leave food for you, will you eat it?” 

Shayne tried to make himself nod, but when he finally managed to, he also found that tears had sprung to his eyes. He gulped and fought them back, but couldn’t stop his hands from shaking; though he was no longer sure if it was from emotion, or the cold, or the hunger that was clearly sapping his energy. He folded his arms tightly across his middle and stared at the floor tiles again.

“You should...” Felix trailed off, and didn’t start again until Shayne reluctantly met his gaze. “You should talk to Ryan about - about whatever. She acts a bit like a robot, but she’s understanding, and - well, she’s good at fixing problems.”

Shayne nodded wordlessly, curling his arms a little tighter against his stomach as another noisy vibration began. He let himself let out a small groan this time, reckoning it was better than awkward silence.

“I’ll leave yours in the microwave,” Felix said, standing up from where he’d been leaning over the countertop. “You can go, if you don’t want to be here when Elliott comes out.”

Shayne glanced towards the kitchen door, already feeling a little anxious at the thought of seeing Elliott. But like Felix had said, Elliott probably wasn’t going to make the first move, so maybe... maybe Shayne had to. 

“It’s okay, I’ll wait,” he said, swallowing hard as he met Felix’s gaze again. “Do, um, do you need help with anything?”

[noortjelanterfanter]

Do I just have poor taste?

Because it seems like yes, I do. In partners that is. So, as people who have followed me for a while know, I live a poyamorous lifestyle. And a big part of living like that is communication. My newest partner hasn’t been in polyamorous relationships before and I stressed to him how important communication is to me. Somehow he neglected to tell me he has a date today until yesterday, at which time it just hit me like a fucking bomb freshly out of the spa. So not only has he singlehandedly pretty much wasted that 100 euros I spent in that damn spa, he also just neglects to tell me shit. And I’m a very traumatised person, especially when it comes to communication and trust. It’s not just because it comes with the lifestyle that I value communication. It’s because my trust has been severely broken in the past. But somehow he refuses to understand that. He doesn’t seem to understand that I have been hurt in the past because people just up and left me. So. I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about my trauma, but if I haven’t, here it is. Trigger warning on cheating, relationship problems and stuff related to that.

Sooo... I was in a monogamous relationship from my 16th till my 20th, 4 years and 12 days, to be exact. And a lot happened in those for years. I was very toxic, as I was a severely depressed, somewhat psychotic teenager and I put this poor guy through hell. I will never shun or shame him for leaving me, he should’ve done that way earlier. He was a lovely guy, I’m not sure I would’ve been here without him. He wasn’t perfect, the more I look back on it, he had his flaws too, the main one being very bigoted and extremely judgemental. I always blamed his Christianity for it, but I think he’s just a judgemental person. Anyway. The relationship should’ve ended way before it did. So... this relationship ended in November, around halfway through. Our anniversary was on November 5th. For the last part of our relationship I imagine he felt the way I feel a lot at the moment with my partners, enduring the abuse I threw at him. Anyway, over the summer I stayed at the house of an acquantance, for roughly a month. He stayed with me and it was pretty much the first time we lived together. I was in the process of getting therapy and for me it felt like we were in a relatively good place. I think in his mind he was already done, but just stayed out of habit (I kinda do the same). So at some point he has a concert planned. And I remember this very vividly, because it’s a significant moment. He went, and I didn’t, as I had decided I wouldn’t need to be in every aspect of his life and it was OK to give him some space and trust him, I think for the very first time I did this and fully felt OK with the situation. He met his current girlfriend on that event. I remember him joking that there was a girl that was very interested in him, but that she was really young. I remember joking that it was a bit early to leave me for a younger woman. And this joke haunts me. I get teary eyed remembering this. Over the next few weeks and months he slowly grew distant. He didn’t really engage with me after work when we still “lived together” snapping at me he just wanted to unwind, while he was just talking to that girl, which I didn’t know at the time, but I know now. This slowly grew... And as a depressed girl losing her one and only, I gripped on tighter. Which was the wrong thing to do, but it happens. So our anniversary comes, I think he bought me a cute gift, although I don’t remember. He posted this lengthy post on FB about how he was so fortunate to have me and how he loved me so much and how we would be together forever and blablabla. You know, the usual clingy cringy couple bullshit. And it was cute. And I felt loved. Less than 2 weeks later we were broken up. I think the weekend of the 14th of November we had a long talk. He wanted us to go to a couple  we were very close with and whom I’m still fairly close with. To talk shit out. We decided to give it another week, even though I had people standby to pick me up in case it was a break up. The day after we went to see Marilyn Manson in concert. That weekend is a weird memory. Anyway. That whole weekend was a mess of a shitton of crying, him not wanting to look at me, but at the same time telling me I wouldn’t just lose him and how he wasn’t just going to leave (funny, because he did). He was very clear and saying that BS over and over again. I left on Monday evening. We broke up the next day. He was leaving me on read and then accused me of checking on him when I told him I saw him online on FB. So we called. And this asshole breaks up with me over the phone. On Tuesday the 17th. I was devestated, but the worst was yet to come. Over the following weeks I was accused of cheating, which I had considered when I was abroad, but had not actually done, but I’m very honest. I was accused of being a psycho, I was accused of lying, of abuse, of violence. And people that know me know that, yes, emotional abuse maybe, but I am the least violent person people meet. About a month later he said I needed to move on and couldn’t let him go. I blocked him on everything on the spot and that was that. He was angry. He was really angry. Which was fine, my point was made. I unblocked him from stuff a few days later because I don’t care. It was to prove a point. In the months following, I find out he bad-mouthed me to everyone who would hear it and also to people who wouldn’t, while I defended him even though the breakup was messy on his part. So fast forward to say... December. And I see he’s in a relationship. Starting on November 16th. Which is the day before we broke up. I was livid. I talked to him and he was denying it, he said we had broken up before. But bitch, I wouldn’t have gone to see Marilyn Manson with you if we were broken up before that day. Turns out he was already in a relationship with that other girl before he even broke up with me. And didn’t admit to that until after I told him I didn’t give a shit about the fact that it was wrong on FB and I didn’t expect him to change it. Just to tell me I’m right. Which he agreed to I was. I spoke to a girl who knew him at the time. She told me he had tried to sleep with her while I was in Dublin. He denies it, but honestly, who’se going to lose face if it turns out true? Not that girl that didn’t know me. So. I find out he cheated. There’s more mess and more stuff that makes me sad, but this is the gist of what happened to me. The one person who labeled himself as loyal, turned out to not be loyal at all, broke every ounce of trust I had and then accused me of the things that he did. 

To this day, I have trust issues, I don’t do well in commitment, I deal horribly with every form of rejection and I always assume people are going to leave. I think he is the reason why I don’t commit to one person anymore. I think he’s the reason I turn psycho when people neglect to tell me they have a date. He’s the reason I don’t trust easily. He’s the reason I distance myself from people the second they do anything that could possibly hurt me. I don’t just go jealous, I go jealous, then psycho then indifferent. If you find me indifferent towards you, it means I’ve created a wall and good luck to you with the wall cause I shan’t be taking it down. 

Anyway, sorry for the messy and emotional post. I just had to vent, because my partner caused me to relive all of this. As I already do every year from half October until December.