#oh I am SO emotionally invested already oh god

[pebblezone]

Living life yay huzzah yay

[getitoutofmymindwrites]

I don't even know your name | joel miller x f!reader, 8.3k

Summary: Your life changes dramatically and you turn to your best friend, Trish, for help. Trish is Joel’s cousin and little did you know when you met him by chance in a bar, before Trish officially introduced you to one another. He’s emotionally unavailable -or so he thinks-, you have lost faith in people -or so you think. Basically, two idiots who fall in love and decide to torture themselves.

Warnings: 18+ MDNI, no outbreak, angst, slow-burn, Joel is 45ish, reader is 35 with two baby girls, allusions to smut, dirty thoughts, swearing, no physical description of the reader (but she will have long hair for smut purposes later on, hehe), no use of y/n, I’m not good at warning people, tell me what am I missing!

A/N: This has taken me forever, my life is a f’ing mess, but I didn’t want to abandon it. I’m splitting the story to parts, otherwise you’d been reading it until The Second Coming. 😅😏🫣 Thank you to anyone who’s taking the time to read this, I love you and I hope you enjoy it!😘

Dividers by @cafekitsune

Main Masterlist | Series Masterlist

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“Guys?” you drag out the word, “Do we really have to have the talk?” you try to avoid the conversation, knowing yourself and how you usually respond to these kind of questions, damn your spontaneity, shifting restlessly into the couch. Joel’s presence, sitting across the room on the comfy armchair, near the lit fireplace, isn’t helping in the slightest. He looks too invested in your point of view, but you already expected that. You try to avoid his gaze for as long as you can.

“Yes! Get the conversation going, babe, don’t be shy!” a female voice comes from a different part of the house. Joel doesn’t respond, looking quite nonchalant, in an effort to not seem.. eager. But you know better.

“It’s not a matter of shyness, on the contrary, you know I’m in the habit of not holding my tongue, and that can often get me in trouble..”, you sigh, shaking your head.

I have a few ideas involving that tongue of your- Stop it. Joel suppresses his thoughts audibly, by clearing his throat. “How come?” he finally joins in. You love the sound of that word on his mouth. Shaping into a different meaning inside your mind every time he uses it, pumping all of your blood to all the right places. Four months into knowing him and you quickly came to realize if you let your guard down, you would be done for. And now was not the time. You had a million loose ends to work out.

“Oh, you know, people tend to get the wrong idea, assuming things about me. I wish I could shut me up sometimes.” Oh, the ways I could shut that pretty little mouth, darlin’. Get it together. She’s not good for you. Or maybe you’re not good enough for her., he’s looking away, focusing on Trish, his cousin and your dear friend, who rushes out of her kitchen holding your -God knows what round of- drinks, almost stumbling on the carpet, while Joel’s trying to clear his head.

“What’s the rush Trish, anything to get off your chest?” you ask, squinting at her in a shut-the-fuck-up way. She bursts into laughter before she can even begin to talk, not taking the hint. Or pretending not to. Definitely pretending. Menace. “You remember that time, where were we?” She’s clicking her fingers together in an effort to jog her own memory. “With that dude? Who thought you wanted to talk your way into fucking him? Like he needed any convincing whatsoev-”

“We’ve met a lot of dudes together Trish; you being the main reason we’ve met them in the first place.” you interrupt, rolling your eyes at your friend. Joel is raising an eyebrow, looking back and forth between you and her. “I’m gonna need you to be more specific. Actually, don’t, you already embarrassed me enough!” you hold back a smile covering your face with one hand, as you pull your feet on the couch, bringing your knees to your chest in an effort to create a barrier between you and the space surrounding you, to feel some kind of protection around you.

Trish is looking so amused, she’s having a hard time concentrating. “I don’t remember nor the place or the dude, but you were defending, quite passionately I might add, womens’ equal right to one night stands and how we should have the same amount of pleasure as men without the guilt that comes with it; Joel you should see her, she almost raised the flag of revolution!” Where are you going with this Trish..?

“Did she, now..” Joel runs his eyes up and down, taking you all in, sipping his whiskey slowly, licking his bottom lip after he swallowed. Jesus, that neck.

You groan in frustration, “Here it comes. Another one who speculates. Ok, let me have it.”, you almost snap, observing the way he’s checking you out. But he knows better. There’s an intensity radiating out of him, you can almost feel the warmth of it on your skin and you let your mind wonder how he would feel like over you, under you or in any way he would choose to manhandle you. Manhandle? Where is this coming from?

“Hey, she’s the one who said ‘passionately’!” Joel raises his hands up in defense, his brows raised and knead together, clearly amused on the information he’s extracting so effortlessly. Trish takes her seat next to you to the couch, enjoying the moment more than she should, looking at the two of you.

“I’m not- I don’t- uuuuh, Trish why are you doing this to me?” you whine in exasperation, looking up to the ceiling, and rolling your eyes shut.

“Because maybe you should! Come on, live a little!”, she grumbles, grabbing your forearm, shaking you dramatically. Trish was actually living, more than a little, her life, full of experiences, lovers, you name it. Sometimes you wished you could live so carefree. She has been desperately trying to pour some of her carnal wisdom into you. For years. Now, given your emotional status, she believes it’s her best chance. So, she pushed.

“Should do what?” Joel interjects curiously.

Trish opens her mouth and spills it out before you can stop her, “Fuckarounds!” -her take on one night stands- “or at least something casual, since she insists that one flavor is better than a sea of delicacies.”, she winks dramatically in your direction.

“Yeah, no, that’s- that’s great, let’s bring Joel into this conversation” you sigh, rubbing your forehead and tilting your head down.

“Oh, I thought-” he looks genuinely confused at your reaction. At this point he’s confused about a lot of things.

“Yes! Exactly! Of course you thought! That’s what I meant before. Just because I can’t bring myself to do it, it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong, or that I’m judgmental of people that do it. Hell, sometimes I wish I was those people.. That’s what I was trying to explain to the dude-”

“You see?” she turns to Joel for backup, “quite the lawyer we have here! And the dude didn’t get the memo.”, she turns to you once more. You shake you head at her and you both laugh at the memory.

“She’s insufferable sometimes, but I’ll get her mind around, don’t you worry!”, she adds, taking her eyes from yours to Joel’s, smiling at the implication, almost like.. you’re spoken for?? What the fuck, Trish? Your face feels like it’s on fire and you’re pretty sure it’s showing, too. You can always blame it on the heat of the fireplace. Now it’s Joel’s turn to shift to his seat uncomfortably. He, thankfully, rises from his spot and let both of you know he’s heading to the kitchen for a refill.

“What the fuck are you doing?”, you hiss at her. “He’ll think I put you up to this.”

“Up to what?” Trish plays dumb, but failing monumentally.

“Dude, you can’t have your cousin think that I’m into him, it’s not right. I didn’t asked you to. Quit it.”, you whisper in despair.

“Love, seriously, you need to at least de-stress yourself.” Trish pressures on. “It’s been, what, six months since the divorce, four months in, leaving with me, I mean, that’s unacceptable.”

“Look, I’ll move, the first house I’ll find, I promise, I don’t want to overstay my welcome-”

“Hey, I’m talking about letting four perfectly good months fly away without getting any. Especially, when you have such a skilled babysitter. You're not taking advantage of me enough.” She moves her hands around her body, showing herself. “And I told you, you and the girls can stay here indefinitely. I fuckin’ mean it.”

“Well, less of the ‘f’ word in front of them, if you do!”, you tease. “Thank you, but I’ll find a place. I need to. I want to bring some kind of normalcy back into our lives. Their lives.”

“I know, baby. But seriously. You’re fucking 35. You act like your life is over. He’s not worth it.”

“We’ve been through that before Trish, it’s not about him, I just-” you exhale, shaking your head, “l don’t think there’s anyone out there for me, you know? I feel like I’m too old for any of this. Point me to the direction of one guy, just one, who would even consider to engage with a 35 year old divorced mother of two and I’ll take him, Scout’s honor.”

She opens her mouth to say something but reconsiders, trying to find the right words. She knows you have a point. “That’s why I insist for you to.. FUCK AROUND! No strings attached. How sweet of you to help me prove my point!!”, Trish exclaims triumphantly.

You pretend to be in deep thinking, finally concluding, “You know what, I’m done with men. Not worth the energy spent. Hey, maybe I’ll date you; we love each other, we practically live together, it’s a done deal!” You both laugh at the idea.

“Aaaaaw, I’m fluttered hot mama, but maybe you should give ‘em men a chance, before you flip the coin!”, she pushes on.

You really look at her now, trying to see her point of view. You were lonely, you were touch deprived, you longed for intimacy, but intimacy in your case meant sentiment. And sentiment comes form some kind of attachment. You wanted, you needed, hell, you craved to connect. “You know, you always insist on all that casual thing, but I’m in a place in life that.. what’s the point?”

“Um, the point of someone else giving you an orgasm?”, she deadpans.

“Oh God..”, you drug your hand down your face, feeling defeated. “Seriously? Because I’m pretty sure this coffee table here,” you point at it with your brows, “can find my bud easier than half the men out there.”, you blurt out in frustration. Joel coughs, choking on his whiskey. You both jolt from your seats on the couch at the sound, turning your heads, one in amusement and one in embarrassment, seeing Joel standing at the living room entrance, frozen in place. Neither of you heard him approaching. If you could hold your tongue for once, woman. Just once.

“So..” he drags the word out, “what about the other half?”, he shakes off the awkwardness of the moment and sly his way into the conversation. You both look at him with a dumbfounded expression on your faces.

“Joel, how long have you been standing there?” Trish wonders, raising one brow devilishly.

“Enough to know I was right to have been standing there as long as I have.” he smirks into his glass, swallowing another sip. You’re too mortified to register the question as non-rhetorical. You almost stop breathing, praying that would make you invisible, hoping he‘d somehow forget his question.

“So?”, Joel insists, looking at you through his lashes, crossing his legs and leaning against the doorframe that connects the living area with the kitchen.

“Excuse me?”, you manage to breathe out, feeling exposed.

Joel doesn’t miss the opportunity to remind you exactly what you pointed out, moments ago. “You said that half the men can’t find y-”, he pauses, inhaling sharply, imagining how good you would look, all naked and spread out under him, but hearing in his mind how intimate what he’s about to say sounds, he corrects himself. “Uh, a woman’s bud.” He moves his hands in the air in a generic motion. You feel so embarrassed, you think you might explode if your heart rate doesn’t drop down. “So, what about the other half of us?” his eyes are burning coals, piercing through you. You pick up the insinuation immediately. He knows his way around a woman’s body. Ok, thank you for the burning image of you eating me out, fingering me to death or rubbing me to completion, Joel. But where the fuck is he going with this? He knows by now that you’re candid like that and you’ll answer accordingly, so he presses all your buttons on purpose, he’s got to be. You devil, we had a fucking deal. You smile, accepting the challenge as you decide to answer him. Two can play that game.

“Oh, you mean the emotionally unavailable half?”

He certainly didn’t expect this response. His face drops suddenly, his jaw flexes; you are positive that a nerve has been touched. He looks embarrassed, like a child caught with his hand in the honey pot and you immediately feel sorry for him. You hate making people feel bad. Even if you’re right. Damn people pleaser.

Too forward? Too soon? Maybe both? You open your mouth to say something -anything- but your mind goes blank. He looks down at his half-empty glass and goes “Huh.”, before he empties the poison of his choice down his throat in one gulp. He calmly leaves the now empty glass on the coffee table, forming a one-sided kind of knowing smile on his face and he leaves the room quietly, leaving you feeling guilty.

You realize that you need to breathe at some point, so you take a sharp breath, after you hear the front door closing behind him.

“Well.. that went well.” Trish comments, looking at her nails.

You snap your head at her, feeling ready to explode. “That doesn’t mean I’m wrong.”

“No, but it leaves you minus one penis.”, she deadpans.

“I’m not interes-“ her eyes move up to yours so quickly, staring at you in a don’t-bullshit-me way, that you don’t dare finish your sentence. “Even I would be interested if he wasn’t a relative.” she feels the need to exaggerate.

“He’s not what I’m looking for, Trish.”

“But he might be just what you need.” Damn, she’s on a roll tonight. “Is there something going on? I mean between the two of you.”

Panic rises fast inside of you like waves crushing on rocks. You think you can hear your heartbeat. “No, of course not.”

Trish gives you an investigative look, as if staring at you long enough would make you admit the truth she thinks she knows. “Are you sure?”

“Joel and I couldn’t be further apart, trust me.”

BEFORE

He observes you sitting on the bar stool for a long time, almost memorizing your every curve and line. He doesn’t mean to, but he can’t take his eyes off of you. He can’t even see your whole face, but something makes him stare. You stand out to him for some reason. Maybe it’s the intense antithesis against your surroundings. Still, while everyone moves. Sad, while everyone laughs. Quiet, while everyone yells into each others’ ears. Lonesome in a sea of people. Your gaze is soft and detached, like all the burden of the world is on your shoulders. Holding your beer for far too long, sipping slowly straight from the bottle, like you’re trying to prolong your stay at the bar, or maybe avoiding going back to where you came from. He’s standing up.

You’re sitting on the bar stool, looking absentmindedly at the bartender on the other side of the counter, moving around, serving drinks. And you’re just sitting there. Alone. Wondering how the hell did you come to this. You always thought it was kind of strange going out on your own. Never done it before. But here you are. Here you are.

It’s been a week since you left your whole life behind you, leaving everything you knew and hold dear, moving to your best friend’s house, temporarily. Until you figure out what you’re going to do. She insisted to babysit so you can go out and have fun. She was funny that way. Have fun. All you wanted was to just disconnect from the world. Not think of anything. Not worry about anyone. Not much of a choice when you are a parent though. Worrying is on top of your list when you have kids. Two little girls, two and a half years old and an almost six months old.

That’s what you did for the past couple of years. Giving birth and raising a baby girl. And then giving birth again to another one. Until your husband decided all of a sudden that he can’t do this anymore. You’ve become too cold, too distant, he felt under-appreciated, pushed away.

The fact that he was always gone, always working and not contributing the hours that he indeed was at home, the fact that you were practically all alone in this, was not taken into consideration.

Everything happened fairly quickly. In the course of four months you got separated, he didn’t even want to try to fix things. Not even for the sake of being able to say that you at least tried. And then other suspicions began to enter your mind-

“You really look like you need a drink.”, a deep voice distracts you from your thoughts. You would be almost thankful for the distraction, growing tired of thinking the same things over and over again, like a broken record, but your bad mood wins over this one. Without turning your head to look at the direction of the voice, you raise the hand holding your beer, motioning at it, in silence.

“Nuuuh, that’s practically water, darlin’.”, the man insists, leaning forward as he stands next to you, his body turned your way, his left foot crossing over his right, his elbow resting on the counter, holding his glass of whiskey. You still don’t turn to look at him and with all the patience that is left in you, you raise the bottle to your lips, taking a sip. “Nope, still beer.”, you answer and keep your gaze to the shelf with the drinks behind the bartender. God, you’re too old for this.

The stranger huffs a small laugh and pushes on. “At least lemme buy you a cold one. That one must taste like a piss by now.”

“Oh, you must have been watching me, then.”, you try to embarrass him in order to leave you alone.

“That, I have.” Oh, he’s got a pair.

“Well, don’t.” you snap and you finally turn to look at him.

Holy shit.

You can’t remember the last time you saw someone so beautiful. Someone, your kind of beautiful. Masculine and broad and dark but with a vibe of kindness and safety in his presence. He’s looking at you, patiently, with a hind of a smile on his lips, like he knew that you’d change your mind once you’d lay your eyes on him. You take a deep breath to compose yourself and start over. “Look, I’m sorry, you look like a decent guy, but I would just be a bad company.”

“You don’t have to apologize darlin’, you have every right to choose your company, or the lack of it for that matter. It’s ok.” he says and he’s starting to move away from you slowly like he’s going to leave you alone. And now he’s making you feel like an ass. Kill with kindness they say?

A thousand thoughts are crossing your mind, you haven’t done this for what it feels like ages, you’re out of your depth, you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t even remember the woman behind the mother, he’s gorgeous, why the hell is he talking to you? Ok, you know what? You’re going to fucking enjoy yourself. Just make conversation, fool around, it’s not like you’re gonna see him ever again. What do you have to lose?

You exhale hard, rolling your eyes to yourself and you grab his wrist lightly to ask, “Beer offer still standing?” surprising your own self. Damn, he’s warm. Pleasantly warm. I-want-you-to-envelop-me-in-your-arms warm. He turns his head to you, his eyes drop to your hand holding his, then back to your lips and then to your eyes. He lingers for a second too long and then turns to the bartender to order. You reluctantly let go of his hand and smile coyly.

You stare at each other for a moment and you both smile, waiting for the other to initiate the conversation. “I swear I’m not trying to do small talk or throw a bunch of lines your way,” he begins playfully, “but, you don’t look like you’re from around here.”

You audibly laugh and you raise your brows in surprise. “That’s weird,” you reply scrunching your nose, “I thought that’s what people do when they’re talking to total strangers at bars.”

He snorts a laugh, fuck he’s handsome, nodding his head, “You’re gonna make me work for it, aren’t you?” he asks amused, looking at you through his lashes.

“Well, it’s either that, or you really want to get to know me for my striking personality” you answer, gaining more confidence by his reaction. It’s not like you’re gonna see him again, right?

He nods his head in amusement, “You didn’t answer my question, though.” he reminds you. You roll your eyes playfully before you tease him, “You’re right, I’m not from around here and technically that was an observation, not a question.”, you raise your cold beer pointing it his way, nodding your head in a silent thank you and then you drink from it.

He stops with his glass midair, brows raising, smirking at you. “Ok, fine, you want a real question, I’ll give ya one. Why do you look so damn sad?”, his head tilting to the side, his ear almost touching the shoulder of the arm he rests on the counter. His eyes are piercing holes in yours, making you feel vulnerable. “Uh, I-, I-, shit; that bad, huh? And there I was, thinking I was holding my own.” you mutter.

“Darlin’, someone like you, sitting on your own, not looking around to notice the number of eyes ogling you, lost in your own thoughts, doesn’t take much to figure it out..”

“Someone like me.. you mean troubled?”, you try to clarify, troubled being the only translation your mind could manage.

“I mean beautiful.”, the man delivers. Oh. His voice and his gaze determined and serious as he speaks, making you weak on the knees.

You give him a shy smile and deflect the compliment. “Most men don’t observe half of what you just said.”, you deadpan and as he opens his mouth to answer you, you add “but you’re not most men, are you?”

He’s really looking at you now, it feels like he’s savoring your details and he just smiles. A beautiful, honest, kind of sheepish smile. It fades away quickly though, his face going serious again. He keeps his eyes on you, hitting you with his perceptiveness. “What did the fucker do?” you hear him ask you, suddenly.

“Wha- How did you- what makes you think-“, you are genuinely shocked, losing your train of thought.

“Humor me.”, is all he gives you, in a low voice.

His question felt so to the point, that there was no reason for you to deny it or avoid it, so you look back to your beer, fearing to see the denigration in his eyes.

You take a deep breath and simply state, “He left me, two months after I had our second daughter.” You exhale. It feels odd to hear your own voice, to feel your tongue move in your mouth, saying those words. You haven’t talked about it enough, actually -at all, if you’re being completely honest and it feels like you talk about someone else. It’s like you’re out of your body looking at you.

And now you wait. You wait for the pity, the uncomfortable silence, the unavoidable retreat. But none of those things come. You turn to look at him and he’s standing there, looking pissed. His body stiffens, his gaze darkens and you’re pretty sure that glass of whiskey in his hand, doesn’t have much life in it. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ..” it’s all he mutters as he closes his eyes in frustration, rubbing his free hand over his face.

“So much for small talk, huh?”, you continue laughing, trying to relieve his tension. It doesn’t take, though. Why did he took it so personally? He opens his eyes again, looking at you seriously with a deep frown on his face.

You begin to feel uncomfortable, so you do what you always do best. Try to make everyone else comfortable. You start talking to fill the silence. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve made mistakes, I wasn’t always the best wife, I was tired, I felt helpless at times, especially when raising two little girls with such a small age difference all on my own, not that that’s an excuse-“ you stop talking as he’s raising his hand in front of you to interrupt.

“Are you seriously blaming yourself right now?”, he sounds frustrated and confused, borderline offended.

“Well I’m not saying that what he did was ideal, I’m just trying to explain how hard it is to be practically all alone with two kids and how much it takes from you, how the balance is changing between the couple-”

“Ideal? That’s an interesting choice of word.”, he observes once again. Nice, you didn’t think he would catch that.

“You can’t keep anyone in your life by force. I won’t. I can’t control his feelings. It was the way he handled things that pained me the most.”, you explain.

He’s staring at you like you’re a fucking puzzle.

You sigh and continue, taking a deep breath, feeling defeated already. How you could possibly explain and how he could possibly understand? “I know most men don’t get it; you can’t understand how difficult it is to be responsible for two little people, making every decision, every second of every day, it’s exhausting, it drains you-“

“I know..” he whispers, looking at his glass, nodding his head in understanding.

“No, you don’t..” you mutter, mostly to yourself, shaking your head. He’s examining you for a second, considering if he wants to elaborate. He does.

“Sweetheart, I’m a single parent from the moment my daughter was born. Trust me when I say I know.”, he explains softly. “I get it.” His voice feels like honey to your ears.

You snap your head in his direction, shocked at his admission. He sees the cogs turning in your head, the sorrow starting to appear in your eyes and he adds with a bitter smile, “No, she didn’t die, she just left.”

Your eyes widen, unable to imagine what could have led a mother to that decision. But you immediately stop yourself. You don’t have the whole picture and it’s none of your business. You don’t get to judge. All you can say is “Fuck. That must have been hard for you.”

There’s a shift in the air, like some invisible little string connected you somehow, each of you with their own story, finding an understanding in each other.

As the conversation progresses he can’t help but wonder how did he get to that point. He was looking for a good time, maybe a blowjob or quickie in the bar’s bathroom and he ended up talking to you about his life. His daughter, his struggles. Voluntarily. And it felt good, easy, natural.

You laugh softly, out of context, shaking your head and he wants to know why. “I just-” you think again before you speak, “when you approached me I wasn’t even sure I could do that.”

“Do what?”, he asks in confusion.

“Talk to you.”, you admit.

“How do you mean?”, his brows furrow and his head tilt on one side, the edges of his mouth turning slightly upward. Stop doing that. It’s sexy.

“You know, me, sitting in a bar, talking to a stranger, it felt like I haven’t done this in forever.” It feels oddly liberating talking to him, almost like a confession.

“And how does it feel now?” he wants to know, his voice soft but commanding.

“It feels good.”, you give it to him. He makes you feel good and you want him to know.

“Good girl.”, he responds, his voice low, keeping his gaze on you, wondering how you’ll react. Oh, boy. Well, your panties are ruined. You bite your bottom lip and play along. See where it gets you. He sees that. The longing starts to become apparent on your face, in the way your lips part, your breath becomes shorter and your body subconsciously reacts to him, because you turn around in your seat, facing him fully. You clench your thighs in an effort to relieve some pressure between your legs. He sees it all.

“Although it’s a shame I didn’t get to witness you do your thing.”, you let him wonder.

His brows are raised in question, “My thing?”, he looks intrigued more than he’d like to admit. Gotcha.

“Yeah, I burdened you with my shit and I missed the chance of you flirting with me.” Someone feels ballsy. You don’t recognize yourself right now, but who cares, right?

“What makes you think I wanted to flirt with you?” he questions, almost genuinely. Almost. You freeze for a second, feeling like an idiot, but then you see him wink at you behind his raised glass.

“Right,” you drag the word, “so, you really wanted to get to know me for my striking personality”, you smile back to him.

He laughs. Genuinely. Beautifully. “Do you want me to flirt with you?” he pushes you, testing the waters. But not really. He knows he has your full attention.

“Sure, you seem like you can handle yourself.”, you answer before you overthink it and freak out.

He chuckles softly and he leans to you, right next to your flushed face, looking behind your shoulder and then down at you, his lips brushing your ear, his sparse beard tickling your cheek, one hand still on the bar and the other moving at the back of your seat, caging you. His scent invades your space, making you feel lightheaded. “Baby, you have no idea.” Your whole body is vibrating with want.

He doesn’t want to take you in the bathroom anymore.

He can see you; clearly than you can see yourself. He knows you now. He understands. He can see your path, the struggles, the challenges, the worries that lie ahead on your way. He walked that path. He bled that path. He navigates it with his eyes closed and his hands tied behind his back.

He doesn’t want to take you in the bathroom anymore.

He wants to take care of you. To breathe pleasure into you, to give you all that he abandoned for his daughter’s sake, to make you feel wanted and loved. He wants you to know that you matter to someone. That he’s gonna take his time with you, savor you, taste every inch of your body, spread you out on his bed and make you scream his name, while you tremble under his touch, his mouth, his cock.

You don’t feel like a bathroom quickie anymore. He wants more. Even if it is just for one night. Just one night. Suddenly the thought becomes unpleasant.

You turn your head to his side and search for his eyes. He responds to your plea by looking back at you. Your lips are inches apart, nearly touching. You stare at his brown, chocolaty orbs, then his plush lips, slightly open and can’t help but imagine your tongue entering his mouth, penetrating them.

You take a deep breath, preparing yourself mentally. You want to feel him any way you can, right fucking now. You want his touch, his tongue, his cock but you’ll accept whatever he’s giving you.

Get up. Get up. Get up.

You want this. You got this. You slowly exhale through your nose and you nearly press your body against his chest to stand up. Your nose almost grazes his. You look at each other, both of you full of desire.

Full of promise.

He’s curious what you’re gonna do but he’s praying you won’t do what he expects you to. Not the bathroom, not the fuckin’ bathroom, he keeps chanting internally. Lemme take care of you. You put your palm on his chest lingering for a second, “Show me, then”, you whisper in his ear and you finally make it to the bathroom. That, took every ounce of courage you had in you. Goddamn.

As you enter inside, thankfully it’s empty, you look at yourself in the mirror. You try to comprehend who are you right now, what you’re about to do. You don’t even remember how it feels to have someone else giving you pleasure. To touch you. To make you-

You hear the door opening and closing, followed by the sound of the lock. He slowly walks to you, letting you study him, through his reflection on the mirror. Giving you time to change your mind. Please change your mind. He looks so good. So good that you have to turn around and face him.

His salt and pepper hair tousled but neat at the same time, his curls above his neck making you want to tug them. Hard.

His eyes are dark, full of hunger and desire. Your eyes fall at his parted lips and then to his chiseled jawline with his sparse hair for a beard. You wanna bite every inch of it. Hard.

His frame is imposing; tall, broad, his thick forearms bulging through his black shirt, his toned thighs strained by his dark jeans. And then you see his bulge. He looks big, considerably big.

“Like what you see?”, he smiles confidently, his low timbre making you realize that you’ve been staring.

You blush in embarrassment, looking down and biting your bottom lip. He enters your comfort zone now, his hand pinching your chin between his fingers, lifting your head upward to look at him. “No need to be shy, sweetheart; I like what I see, too.”, his thumb rests lightly on your bottom lip and presses down, to free it from under your teeth.

His other hand holds your waist drawing you close to his body, his erection touching your lower stomach. You let out a small sigh.

His scent is intoxicating. It’s a mix of his fainted cologne, the smoke of cigarettes lingering in the air, the alcohol on his breath and something unique. Something his entirely. His sweat absorbed by the fabric of his clothes. The more you inhale it the wetter you get. Saliva pools in your mouth, making you swallow hard.

You squirm in your place, squeezing your legs together. He notices. Of course he notices, like he did back at the bar. Reading between your words.

He caresses your ear with his lips, whispering, “It’s ok sweetheart, I'm gonna take good care of you.” He places one hand behind your head, gently bringing you closer to him. His other one rests on your back, slowly making his way down to your ass. You look at him, surrendered to his touch. Oddly, you feel safe.

“Fuck..” you breath out.

He smiles, a little full of himself, normally it would piss you off, but right now you don’t care. He ghosts his lips along yours and he softly kisses the edge of your mouth. He places kisses along your jawline and leaves an open-mouthed kiss between your ear and your jaw. Your body shakes with goosebumps, making your knees almost buckle, his hold on your ass tightens, keeping you in place.

You can’t think of anything right now and that’s exactly what you want. Not your soon-to-be ex-husband, not your messed up life, not even the poor attempt of an outfit you wore tonight out of boredom. Plain black jeans and a lingerie black shirt. Of course with a black lacy bra under it, you’re not that adventurous.

His mouth travels to the column of your neck licking it softly from top to bottom, biting gently where it meets with your shoulder. Your cunt clenches hard, pooling more of your arousal on your already-drenched underwear. His tongue is so warm and velvety, making your eyes roll in your head. Your hands- where are your hands? One on his toned shoulder and the other on his hair, tugging his curls.

You realize that he’s softer in his touch than you would imagine for a bathroom fuck. He moves so fluidly, expertly, you feel mesmerized and a tiny part of you inexperienced and self conscious.

“I- I haven’t done this before..” you feel the need to confess, worried that you’ll do something wrong.

“I thought you had two kids.” he raises his head, tilting it, while looking at you through his lashes and bites his cheek to hide his smirk.

You stare at him for a moment and then you both burst into laughter.

You shake your head in mocking disapproval and explain, “..not the deed, the- the one-time thing..” and you bite your lip in discomfort afraid of his reaction.

His eyes are searching yours and he finally asks, “Who says this is a one-time thing?”. Bold. Surely he’s messing with you. Your breath catches on your throat, that was the last reaction you would expect. You try to read his face but he gives you nothing. You can’t figure out if he meant that or was just teasing. He nudges your nose with his, relax, baby, he whispers and he resumes his kissing path down your neck and to your chest.

He’s taking his sweet time with you. He wants to get you out of this damn bathroom. He wants to fuckin’ wreck you and he can't do that here. He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable either by proposing a different setting, in case this is indeed how you want it, so he does what he knows. He’s driving you crazy. He’s gonna make you beg him to get out of here. To take you somewhere else, more comfortable. Anywhere but here. Unless someone interrupts you, making you take this elsewhere. Either way works.

You’re both panting from desire, his head moving back against yours, your foreheads touching together. He grabs the sides of your head with both his hands, while yours move around his waist, pulling him as close as possible. He’s going to finally kiss you, your lips almost touching each other’s, breathing one another’s exhale.

A loud knock on the door startles you and you jump in place. “Come on, man! Are you done yet?” The stranger smiles against your lips, pleased with his plan. He’s so ready to take you out of here, worship you like you deserve.

But the spell is broken. You come back to your senses. You’re in a dirty bathroom. With a total stranger. A handsome, funny, sexy stranger, but a stranger nonetheless. What are you doing? This is not you. This is not how you do things. You have two kids back home waiting for you. You try to shake the thought out of your mind. You are a woman, too. You have needs. Needs that this man can meet with ease. No, there are people outside, waiting to use the bathroom. How are you gonna get out of here? Everyone will know what you’ve done. What are you doing?

The man detects your stiffness, the change in your breathing. You’re starting to hyperventilate. “Hey, hey, are you ok?”.

Your brain is overwhelmed, you don’t know how to respond. The knocking on the door gets louder now, more insistent.

“Give me a goddamn minute!”, the man shouts behind his back. His attention returns to you, full of concern, talking to you like all the time in the world is yours, like nothing else matters. “What’s the matter, sweetheart? You wanna get out of here?”, his hands are still on the sides of your head, his eyes full of worry now.

“I- I need-” your breathing is getting harder and harder. “I’m sorry, I need to get out of here, I-” you push his hands away from your face.

He lets you, raising his hands in surrender. “Ok, ok darlin’, my truck is parked just outside, let me-”

“NO- No,” you don’t let him finish his thought, “I’ll leave on my own, I’m sorry, I can’t-” you just want to disappear, you know how you must sound and look but it’s out of your control.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that darlin’, I just wanna make sure you’re safe-”. But you’re not listening to what he’s saying to you, not really.

He wants to touch you again, hold you, make you feel safe. Protected. He wants you- no, needs you to know that it’s ok.

But he’s a stranger to you, so he resists the urge.

You walk away from him, unlock the door, open it forcefully and burst out of the bathroom, looking down. You don’t want to meet the eyes of the intruder outside the door. Any eye contact would make you feel vulnerable right now, exposed. With your head down you reach for your bag and jacket left on the stool you were sitting on, -what were you thinking, you could have been mugged- and you run to the exit door.

The man is right behind you, searching for you in the packed bar. You grab the handle, you open the door and you stand still for a moment turning your head to look at him one last time.

His eyes catch the door movement and his gaze locks with yours. His expression is sad and worried, not an ounce of anger or disapproval.

I don’t even know your name, you think with sadness.

He’s making a move to come after you but then you let yourself out of the bar. The stranger doesn’t have time but to whisper “I don’t even know your name..”

ONE WEEK LATER

You’re looking yourself in the mirror while you’re getting ready for dinner. Trish wants to introduce you to her cousins; although you and her are best friends, you never got to meet them. Maybe because you both lived out of Texas, before. She came back not so long ago, you followed to get your life back. Now that you’re living with her, she wants the four of you to hang out. She says they’re great guys. Joel and Tommy. Whatever.

You’re looking harder in the mirror now, searching for any sign to indicate what happened a few days ago at that god’s forsaken bar was real. A bruise, a bite, a redness, anything. But there’s nothing. Like he didn’t want to leave a trace. Like he was a figment of your imagination.

Half of you wants to forget about him, half of you is hanging on tight on every little detail you can recall of that night.

Of him.

His deep voice, the warmth of his eyes, his smart smile, the way he put your body on fire with minimum touch. You wish he would have fucked you hard and fast against the sink, before you had time to overthink, before you became a coward, to leave you with something more to remember him by.

You still feel the burn between your legs every time you think about him. And as many times as you tried to extinguish this fire inside you, with your fingers, or your pillow, or your vibrator, it just. Isn’t. Enough.

Just- get him out of your head, you force your mind. You don’t even know his name. You spilled your guts to him, almost fucked him and you don’t even got his name. Who does that?

Well, he didn’t get your name either, but obviously that was not the same. He looked like he knew what he was doing and if he does it that often, at the end of the day what does another name matter?

Joel is grabbing his wallet and cellphone off the console next to the door yelling to Tommy and Sarah, “Guys, you’re coming yet? We’re gonna be late, Trish is gonna be all over us, come on.”

Tommy and Sarah pause the movie they’re watching with an audible groan and emerge from the living room, putting their shoes on. “What is tonight about, again?” Tommy asks in boredom.

“Uh, not really sure, we’re gonna have dinner together and some lady friend of Trish is gonna be there, I think she’s letting her stay with her for a while.” Joel mutters.

“Oh, a lady friend,” Tommy insists, winking his eye to Sarah and she rolls her eyes to him. “Is she hot or what?”.

Joel glares at Tommy “Don’t know, don’t care Tommy, I think she’s got kids or something. Take the toolbox to the truck to fix the bathroom cabinet since we’re going.”

Tommy looks disappointed “Damn, not my cup of tea, then.”

“You and me both.” Joel sighs through his teeth. “Come on, let’s get this over with.”

You hear the doorbell ring and you check on the girls before you make your way downstairs. They’re asleep on their beds. You can finally relax. You hear Trish calling you, “Hey, babe, they’re here!” As you go down the stairs you see a handsome man with dark curls entering the hallway along with a young woman in her twenties.

“Heeeey, you’re here!!” Trish sounds so exited. “Hey cousin, it’s been a while!” Tommy responds, hugging her with one arm around her waist. Sarah takes her turn hugging her aunt in silence and with a warm smile.

Then the three of them turn to the sound of your feet on the stairs. “And that’s my friend I was telling you about!” Trish introduces you by name and you approach Tommy and Sarah to handshake them.

When you look at Tommy’s face from a closer distance he seems familiar to you in a strange way, but you don’t give it any more thought. He looks like someone who likes what he sees, judging by the flirty smile he gives you. “Hi, darlin’, nice to meet you!”, is his first response to you. You smile politely “ You, too!”

You turn your attention to the young lady then, Tommy’s eyes still linger a little too long for your liking. Not because he’s not easy on the eyes, far from it. You’re simply not ready for that. And you proved that to yourself last week. You let the most handsome stranger you’ve ever met, slip through your fingers. You didn’t even got his name.

Idiot.

Jesus Christ, not now, let him go, focus. “Hello Sarah, I’ve heard a lot about you, it’s nice to put a face to the stories!”.

Sarah laughs, glaring at Trish “I bet the stories are really funny! I only hope my aunt exposed herself, too, in the process!”

You give Sarah a one-sided smirk, looking at her conspiratorially, “Well, you know Trish, she’s never holding back!”, you all laugh vividly.

You already feel more relaxed, Tommy and Sarah seem so nice, easy going, it will be great to make new friends. Trish was right for wanting you to meet them so soon after you arrived here.

It brings an air of normalcy, it feels like, although slowly and fucking painfully, your life takes an actual.. shape. You’re here. You exist. You are being seen as a living human being. You are talked to, admired, cared for, building a circle of people in your life, each one with their own place and role in your heart. And that means you’re trying. You’re not giving up, you’re moving forward, for you, for your children most importantly. These thoughts create a warmth inside you, a sense of hope that everything’s going to be ok.

And then it happens.

His voice is the first thing you register as he makes his presence known. “Goddamnit Tommy, I asked you for one thing before we leave the house. One.”, he addresses his brother from a distance. “Of course I have to remember everything myself.”, he mutters to himself, shaking his head disapprovingly.

The hair on the back of your neck is rising. You could recognize his voice among thousands. But that couldn’t be right. It can’t be. There is no way the voice will match the face. So, you turn your head to the entrance.

First, you see his boots going up the stairs of the porch, next your eyes land on his lower and then upper body, fit thighs, covered in dark jeans, thin waist hugged by a black belt, broad torso clothed in a black t-shirt and a green flannel. You don’t consciously recognize what -or who- you see yet, but your heartbeat spikes and your breathing becomes quicker.

You look further up, his head is tilted down, he’s trying to put his car keys in his front jean pocket, the salt and pepper curls looking oddly familiar.

And then he raises his head.

It’s instant.

Your heart skips a beat, your breath catches on your throat, your mouth goes dry, you stomach clenches, your body feels on fire. Even your fingertips feel numb. Your mind floods you with memories of him.

His scent, his touch, the need he awakened inside you. His gaze locks with yours, like that night, stopping him in his tracks, right before the entrance of the house, both of you unable to look anywhere else. He keeps staring at your face, fearing that if he so much as roams his eyes to the rest of you, you’ll disappear.

You can’t quite read his expression, he looks- well he looks hot- but apart from that, he seems surprised, disturbed, almost.. pained?

Somewhere from behind you, you hear “Uuuuh, and this sunshine, is my brother, Joel.”

Joel.

| next

[gffa]

I'm still making my way through the weewoo show (stopping occasionally to watch the newest episodes) and I have realized that I think I'm the most emotionally invested in the Bobby/Athena ship, sorry but no one else on that show can compete with Angela Bassett for my love. That it's Mr. Casey Sports Night she married only makes it better. Though, Chimney/Maddie are a reasonably close second, oh my god, they're so cute. I'm not really sure where I land re: Buck's love life, I'm kind of just going where the show takes me. Like, sometimes the show was incredibly blatant about feeling like they were setting the stage, you have someone commenting that Buck's ready to move on to something more grown up in his life, something more real, something meaningful, then immediately cut to him waiting outside Eddie and Christopher's house??? Like, what??? But then I watch the newest episodes and oh Buck and Tommy really do have fun chemistry, that kiss drunk look on Buck's face after their first kiss was so good, they're funny together, I'm enjoying it?? And I'm enjoying Eddie being one hell of a hot mess, like I've always liked him, but I have never liked him more than when he went out on a date with his dead ex-wife's doppleganger, which is going to throw a massive grenade into his current relationship, which is already weird because he found out she used to be a nun and it's bringing up all this weirdness that was probably already there and just looking for an excuse, never mind what it's going to do to his kid if he ever meets his dead mom's doppleganger, like this is a mess and I am living for it. But more than that, I'm here for Athena, because I also love that she can be such a hot mess at times, that someone kills her fiance and she spends 20 years or whatever looking for him, finds him, and has him arrested despite that he's spent that entire time in service to others because he felt guilty, but doesn't even REGISTER that she is married to a man she loves who killed a lot of people's spouses/fiances, got away with it, and felt so guilty that he spent all that time in service to others as a way to make amends. And none of this even seems to be deliberate! It's GREAT, because it makes her such a hypocrite in a lot of ways, but so thoroughly relatable because it is so very easy to forgive the ones you love and not forgive the ones who wronged you, even if they're largely the same. Anyway, I love this ridiculous show, I'm going to be sad when I have no more to catch up on. I like The Weewoo Show: Yeehaw! Version, but it doesn't scratch quite the same itch since I spoiled myself about where the Owen/Gwyn storyline is going.

[porcupine-girl]

I had the weirdest possible Check Please dream.

Ngozi was going to do another volume, and we were all excited because Shippy and Taylor were finally going to get together.

Who tf are Shippy and Taylor you might ask?

Shippy, I immediately realized upon waking up, is Tater, but in this dream world somehow he got a different nickname and I don’t even know how. Idk if my brain was just like “he’s part of this popular ship and I’m lazy” or “Tater and Taylor would sound too cutesy and I really want this girl to be named Taylor for some reason” or what.

Taylor was not Vanessa with a different name. She had spiky lavender hair that looked a bit like this animal crossing hairdo:

But longer, like if it were lying flat it’d be about chin length, and of course in Ngozi’s drawing style.

I didn’t find out much more bc I woke up due to my husband getting up to get ready for work, but somehow when I got back to sleep, for once my brain deigned to continue my dream from before. It is apparently very invested in Shippy/Taylor (although after I woke up and realized Shippy was Tater my brain went back and forth between the two names).

So in the continuation, I learned that Taylor was already dating another member of the Falconers (I’m not sure I ever got his name), but he was very controlling and emotionally abusive and everyone on the team was hoping she’d leave him and kind of shunning the boyfriend socially due to his behavior.

Tater ran into her in like… a mall food court sort of location? And somehow their conversation led to him confessing his feelings but saying that it was fine if she didn’t want to be with him, just begging her to leave the controlling guy and saying he’d help her however he could just as her friend. She was clearly not quite ready to leave yet, but then her boyfriend called and when she said oh I’m at the mall and I ran into Tater so we were just hanging out he got really pissed that she was hanging out with another guy (in a totally public location, and being honest about it) without him and demanded she come home right away. And when she hung up you could see that having that conversation right after the conversation with Tater was kind of making her realize that she really did need to get out of it.

Tater saw that too and jumped on it, like “If you don’t want me to help I’ll call Jack and Bitty (which my brain then corrected to Zimmboni and Little B, it was like my brain was like helloooo this is Tater unlike you Ngozi would write him correctly) right now and they will come help you get your stuff, you can stay in their guest room, they would love to help.” And she was kind of mortified by this, like oh god does the entire team know??? And he was like, well. Yeah. Kinda. Everyone’s rooting for you to leave him, that’s why nobody talks to him or hangs out with him outside practice, we all know how awful he is. And she was like oh god, great, everyone knows how stupid I am for staying with a guy like him, but Tater was like no no no everyone knows how hard it is to leave that kind of thing but we all know you’re strong enough to do it as soon as you decide you’re ready.

And that was about as far as I got in the Shippy/Taylor saga before I woke up for good. I can only assume Jack and Bitty did come get her and let her stay with them, and eventually once she was over the nasty breakup she got together with Tater.

What’s really funny was that when I went to start writing this post I couldn’t remember her name, only that it started with a T and was like 6-ish letters long. I started the post calling her Tricia and was like no that’s not right, so I googled girl names that start with T and was just hoping that if I read enough lists of names something would click and maybe I’d recognize it if I saw it. Then I opened the first list and the very first name was Taylor and I was like OH RIGHT MY BRAIN NAMED HER AFTER TAYLOR FUCKING SWIFT HOW DID I FORGET THAT??

[wackpedion]

atcually im sending more characters i wanna see u talk abt them tell me abt stan or fiddleford or bill for the ask game

OKOK I JUST ANSWERED FOR FIDDLEFORD OKOKOKOKOKOKOK im so excited i love them. okok ok OK OK ok so from this ask game:

STAN

favorite thing about them

How he loves the kids soso much ouhho vh oh o my ghod Not What He Seems tear my heart out rn. like theyre his world its so... ouhgkhjhbjh........ makes me ill. the way he loves his family as a whole is SO important to me like like like like he values his family so much theyre his world the way he spent 30 years getting ford back GOD dont remind me of of the portal incident i cant hhhrrrr

least favorite thing about them

I suppose how stubborn he is with Ford but like, idk i get it man. hes been thro alot and the two are on rocky ground up until the end so ofc hes gonna act like that and hes not gonna be all that emotionally mature about it.

favorite line

goddd he has so many good lines hes so funny. "Soos, would it be wrong to punch a child?"

brOTP

fiddleford mcgucket i need them to be friends u dont understand. i need this so badly

OTP

ermmm No One ? ive seen some stanbill which i find funny but im not all that invested in it

nOTP

pinecest 👍

random headcanon

As kids he and Ford would often do the twin switcharoo as a fun kid prank, they thought it was the funniest coolest thing but they were actually very easy to tell apart past a first glance because they weren't all that good at lying and pretending (yet)

unpopular opinion

ig its only loosely stan related but roadside attraction should NOT have been aa episode with focus on stan WHERE IS FORD. THE EPISODE BEFORE THE BIG ONE THAT KICKS OFF WEIRDMAGEDDON AND THERES NO FORD!?!?!? kmsing kmsing but you already know how ifeel about it i told you all about it I Miss Ford. I miss my wife tails.

song i associate with them

LUSH BY MINDLESS SELF INDULGENCE "everything i touch falls apart and i am left with nothingg everything i touch it turns to total garbage and i cant with and i dont know whyyyy!!!!" like like his insecurity about being the total screwup of the family, his many many failed businesses, the fact he broke fords project and also ended up pushing him into the portal, juistghfhbvhjhbb

favorite picture of them

i like him with his sailing outfit esp the the beanie its cute :3 and EEEE THE BROTHERSSSS <333333

BILL

favorite thing about them

whatever the fuck he has going on ford jesus christ what the fuck who let them get away twith this hello. hello. i cant elaborate cuz id just end up talking about billford forever but fjesuffucking christ

least favorite thing about them

Honestly sock opera didn't make much sense, like he wanted to destroy the laptop and journal cuz dipper was getting "too close", but the journal was needed to operate the portal which was what he Needed and Wanted. my best guess as to why he did that is cuz he didn't want them to find and go off the warnings Ford wrote esp in invisible ink but i dunno. perhaps its that the journals (esp journal 3) wrote of a way to destroy him, im guessing, since ford tosses them to dipper in weirdmageddon saying theres a way to destroy bill, but still. odd. Still my favourite episode tho!!!!

favorite line

"Fordsy, nobody else really gets you, do they? Without me, you'll always feel unseen, surrounded by dolts who don't recognize your full potential. You've always felt alone in a crowd, haven't you? Who else will give you this feeling again? Even if you got rid of me, you'd miss me. Admit it, you'd miss me."

"Reality is an illusion the universe is a hologram buy gold BYEEEEE"

"BY THE WAY IM SENDING SOMEONE TO STEAL YOUR EYES. THATS NOT A JOKE. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WILL STEAL YOUR EYES."

"I have some children I need to TURN INTO CORPSES"

also. just his "Yello!" gag in the dreamscaperers. its so sutpid i love it

honestly UGHH hes so quotable i love like every one of his lines everytime hes on screen its a joy. any episode is a good episode with bill. hes such a good villain

brOTP

None reaally? I guess I would've loved more antics with the henchmaniacs, like that one deleted scene, I found them pretty funny

OTP

BILLFORD DO UE VEN HAVE TO ASK HHHHHGHH

nOTP

None I think, i guess fiddleford and bill but i said that already and tbh im mostly indifferent to it

random headcanon

iii havent fully cvuaght up on all the code and lore cracking of TBOB but from what ive picked up he had to take medicine as a kid which affected his eyesight? so my hc is that he has some lasting damage with his vision from that

unpopular opinion

yes the book of bill gave us bill euclydia dimension lore but no that doesnt ruin his character sure his backstory is sad but like. its not his focal point. it gives him depth and an explanation its GOOD. hes still the villain whos evil because! who does whatever he wants! for fun! a sad backstory and a charming villain whos motivation is Fun can coexist its not the end of the world

also this is directed at like One thing i saw on twt but He Would Fucking Not listen to msi oh my god he canonically hates synthesized music i hate you

song i associate with them

GOD i have a few ermm.... theyre like billford related tho so. hope thats cool. the one ive been obsessed with is New Invention by I DONT KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME its SO GFUCKING THEM DUDE ITS SO THEM LISTEN TO IT. NOW!!!!!!!!!!!! pls

favorite picture of them

every picture but ig if i had to choose him playing faggot piano for ford is up there

[fanaticsnail]

Mihawk kissing Governess' hand and her allowing herself a slip in her exterior armour to kiss his cheek and his reaction, oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

"Reaching upwards, you placed your left hand on Mihawk’s cheek and shepherded him into yourself, placing your lips gently against his left cheek as you cradled him against your palm. He sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth and froze his shoulders in place." <- tattooing this passage on my brain, thanks

I'm sorry but this whole passage had me giggling and flinging myself about in bed as I read it like a school girl, and it is so funny to me that they did All That in front of an audience of not only four powerful men but also a soiree of guests. It's like when you see regency era period pieces of a couple breathing heavily with barely contained lust after one dance bc they're Repressed Virgins, and remembering that there is a whole ballroom of other people there.

"He doesn't love you." <- NO! BAD! (spritz with water). My immediate thoughts is Sapsorrow or some other force is interfering.

"“I just thought I saw-...” Perona began, cocking her head sharply to the side and holding firm her gaze, “Something watching.”" <- screaming and wildly swinging a baseball bat. I'm so emotionally attached to these characters and invested in this story that I know that there's no way it ends on so soon all happy so there's got to still be conflict before the wedding in order for a resolution and I'm excited but at the same time I Refuse.

“The symbolism behind it is you, yourself, are the sun. The gold is what encases you beneath it," <- well goddamnit snail that is poetry.

The description of Beckman and Governess' relationship!!!! I love them so much!!! "He treated you with the utmost respect and found himself hanging onto your every command as a loyal knight taking instructions from his queen. From then on, you were the friend he confided in and trusted to handle the troop easily when ushering you throughout the seas on the red-force. Of all aboard, you trusted Beckman the most to treat you well." AAAAAAAAAA

“It won’t be enough. It will never be enough.” BACK! BACK I SAY

“You watched as he began to scramble, at first attempting to askew the floral arrangement behind his back from view before holding it at heart-level.

“Lost-Lady,” his voice called to you, disguising what you thought to be a small stumble in his footing as he began to clamber towards you from his prior position gardening. His boots met with the sludge, sliding the earth from beneath his footstep and successfully dropping him down to his knees. You sucked your lips into your mouth, witnessing a man full of dignity and grace be brought down to his knees while cradling flowers against his chest." Oh my gawd. She's literally making him fumble over himself. Just the thought of such a serious figure doing all this to strip himself of his dignity just for his beloveds comfort so that she might have a confidant in a new place where she is alone and so that he might be able to partake in her unadulterated company, and the idea that he loses all his composure around her and fumbles, is so sweet. The way you write it manages to work with his personality and not feel out of character, and it's so romantic I Love it.

"I am uninjured, my darling," MY DARLING??? What happened to keeping up the facade, Governess?

"“I believe the world of your abilities, sir. Now, allow me to aid in your rise to your feet once more,” you smiled down at him, his eyes meeting your own with an almost overwhelming amount of adoration. You hoisted him up to his feet, uncaring at the passing of grime onto your clothes from his." Governess stand up, get off your knees, put away the ring, you're already engaged to him!! My girl is swooning

I do love how the Governess recognized the voice as being external and even noticed it having a physical presence, and not letting it overtake her by assessing her thoughts rationally. It shows her strength and smarts in being beyond just a Damsel In Distress but still believably in distress if that makes sense? It kind of makes me excited that now that she actually knows she wants the marriage and future with Mihawk I feel like she'll be beyond angry when she finds out something/someone has been trying to take it from her, and I really can't wait.

"He yearned for this deceit to flee from his form. No longer desiring to adorn this shield and to be the man beneath this amassment of muck for you; he wanted so desperately to cast aside titles and just truly be yours." A man that loves his wife! What a lovely gift for me! Chewing on him as we speak <3

"“Step away from my governess, Hag!” Her voice held several tones within the single vocal strand, the air sucked from its delight of the morning rays." I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!

"Zoro immediately was drawn to his feet, unsheathing his sword from beside him and brandishing it with flourish. Mihawk also rose to his feet, nodding to Zoro briefly, before he closed and reopened his amber eyes; now a ruby iris surrounding its glow. Zoro did the same, his iris crackling under the new color within his orbs." Get her! Go boys! Sick 'em!

Fr loving the protectiveness of the Governess' new family

"“How long has she been here, Mihawk?” Perona asked at your other side, her eyes fixed on a pinned point in the roof and remaining unblinking, “She seemed so sad.”" (visibly vibrating) I Am Being So Completely Normal About This Lore.

I love Perona so much, I (and the Governess) am so proud of her, she was brave, and kind and observant enough to notice when things were going wrong with someone she cared about, and she stood up for her friend, she's obviously always been an awesome person but I feel like her time with the Governess has allowed her to direct herself more and therefore do more and it's really cool to see the good influence on her daughter ward.

“What was it you told the clown? We are more than the titles that make us?” hhhhhhhh he values her thoughts so much he memories all her words and conversations even those that don't involve him

“I had always thought of you as a woman who commanded every space she found herself within. Even as a man far more advanced in his years,” he continued, reopening his eyes to look lovingly into your face, “I had always seen you as a woman who could have the mighty fall to their knees- much as you had me do this morning.” <- if anyone needs me I'll be drowning in a river

Forehead touches forehead touches foreheadtouchesforeheadtouches

“If you so desire for your Farm-Hand to bring his Lost-Lady your daily gift of flowers, I will gladly become him once more for you. However,” Mihawk drew his eyes back to yours, an almost playfulness dancing behind his honeyed gaze, “I expect my Lost-Lady to be in naught but her nightdress in return.” AAAAAAAAAAA (pt. II)

The EPILOGUE!!!! the teaser/reference for Shanks' Sapsorrow ring, the hinting to the law!!! You truly know how to feed us

“That’s what you want, isn’t it? To see others have what was taken from you? To see them happy and thriving with each other?” AAAAAAAAA (pt. III)

SNAIL!! BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH THE CHAPTER 6 REVIEW!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I'm so glad you freak out about this story as much as I do. Makes it feel more alive to know how it moves you. Thank you for taking the time to go through it bit by bit to notice the little bits I add for Mihawk's humanity and adoration for him and his governess.

Openly flirting with his bride in front of Perona and Zoro, without them saying anything about it, was one of my favourite parts. He loves her so much, finally admitting it both to himself and to her without saying the three little words we want him so desperately to say.

I have drafted their vows and began working on chapter 7 to be out soon!

"If anyone needs me I'll be drowning in a river" <- I would not say such things if I were you. Our little ghost has some fight yet remaining.

[orcelito]

Hi I started playing a game and it has taken over my life

This bitch. I hadn't even heard of it before today (well, yesterday) but now it's 5 am and I've played like 12 hours straight. I've already cried to it. I'm having the time of my life and it's SO hard to drag myself away from it, oh my fucking god

LIKE

I wasn't expecting to get this invested in the characters. I'm rping in this something fierce. In the game you're following this kid from 10 to 20 years old while your community is setting up a settlement on a new planet, & all that entails. It does NOT play nice. Where I'm at, there are Six named characters who have died (bc im committed to not using guides for this first run). But that's like. The Point. It's a game about the dangers of such a place, but also the dangers of unchecked colonization, Depending on your choices. You have your childhood friends who grow and drift apart with conflicting viewpoints and everything. And it's up to you to decide how that turns out.

For me, I'm playing as a kid who wanted to be a biologist (looking up to their botanist parents), but due to the dangers of the world & the traumas that resulted, veered Hard into a more martial role. Every year since they were 10 years old, they've snuck out to fight in battles until they were finally old enough to have clearance to join them officially. They threw themself mind body and soul into exploration and resource gathering to do ANYTHING to help the needs of the colony (but even then, it wasn't enough).

And now they don't know what else to do. Traumatized, they've joined the new military bc it's the only way they can think of to have enough strength to get people to Stop Being Killed. But at the same time, they do still love nature and exploration (for the simple joy of exploration, not just resource gathering), so there's a part of them that knows This Is Wrong. But one of their childhood friends is Also throwing herself wholeheartedly into the military for very similar reasons to them (it's the loss, it's always the loss), while another friend is embracing nature wholeheartedly and protesting against the violence (& judging the first friend's choices Immensely). My character is conflicted between their wish to keep their friends and remaining family safe vs their persisting love of nature. And oh yeah, there's this new hotshot military guy that they just wanna make eat shit ALLLLLLL the time. Gotta train and be the best so that SOMEONE can show him up. They're absolutely thriving on being able to beat him in Anything martial. Which is perhaps a childish drive, but they're still only 15 where I'm at, So.

AND AT THE SAME TIME..........

They're childhood best friends with the local emo kid, who wants so badly to not be trapped here. He wants to be Free! In Nature! But he's also so very depressed For Reasons lol. So it turns into him trying to just walk out into the wilds without a care bc he doesn't care if he dies. And here's my character, falling in love with him (& he very much is with them, too) just trying to figure out what the Fuck they can do to help him. He straight up tried to run away at one point, I full on had a moment of "Oh god is this what naruto felt like when sasuke left?!?!" But he ended up caught lol. So he's still here. And still being Difficult despite my character having expressed that they care about him in a way that's Different than just friends. And so of course emo boy emotionally distances himself, bc what else would he do???? But since I'm playing a teenager and Well there's some new teens in town (one of which being the stupid military guy, who my character kinda just wants to punch). And one of them is very flirty and he invited my character to kiss over a card came, & that petty teenage soul angry about their childhood best friend/potential boyfriend being so DIFFICULT decides. Fuck it! Imma kiss him. And so they do lol.

But it didn't make the feelings go away and emo boy doesn't Know and if he did. Well. It's not like they're dating. Any of them, really. It was a stupid kiss between stupid teenagers, so it literally doesn't matter, but they kinda Do feel a little bit guilty about it.

But in the end, they're throwing themselves into their training with all their might bc the next attack is approaching and the last one went SO MONUMENTALLY WRONG that they just HAVE to be at the absolute strongest they can be. None of this matters in the face of their loved ones being at risk. They're 15 years old, they've watched so many people die, and they're not going to let stupid teenage drama get in the way of them protecting the people they DO have left! Including said stupid teenage boy, even if he is being dumb about it.

I'd say I'm like halfway through the game by this point. So very excited to see where it ends up. It's so fucking GOOOOOOOOD and yes it IS very gay and trans. You can change ur character's presentation and pronouns at any point. Effectively genderfluid, tho I'm keeping it on the nonbinary option of course. Also none of this teen drama even matters bc u can be poly in this game lol (which I am SO excited about) but it's fun rping a teen as a teen would be.

I haven't even met the immortal goth yet. Good chance I'll end up dating the goth And the emo. Should they both be open to the idea lol. And wouldn't that be just like me to do

[amethystina]

Wait wait wait you just watched Marry My Dead Body?!?? I need to commiserate then holy shit. I watched it yesterday because I was travelling and also figured it be a fun goofy film to watch while stuck in transit for hours and then suddenly it was over and I was sitting there in goddamn TEARS. I WAS NOT EXPECTING IT TO BE SO EMOTIONAL. IT MADE ME LAUGH AND THEN ALSO STABBED ME IN THE HEART. I feel like it played me for a fool, but in the best possible way. What a good ride it is :’)

OH MY GOD SAME.

Well, except I was at home and went: "I'll watch this before going to bed, I'm sure it'll be a fun time" and, I mean, it WAS but it also wasn't. Like, after I finished it I just sat there, not knowing how to contain all the emotions I was experiencing. How the fuck was I supposed to sleep after something like that?

I genuinely had no idea what to do with myself (I still kind of don't tbh). I did NOT expect to cry as much as I did. Quite a few things can make me cry but this just hit me right where it hurts. And I didn't expect it, in any way, shape, or form. I was completely unprepared.

It was supposed to be a silly comedy!

But, like, for real? The "my husband" moment? You should have HEARD the fucking noise I made. It was guttural. I was fucking obliterated.

(and oh man, I so desperately want to make people feel that way with my writing. I am so, so inspired!)

Long story short, I'm emotionally compromised and I have absolutely no regrets. I just love, love, love becoming this invested in a story and I'm still neck-deep in feels. It's been two days already but my thoughts just keep returning to this movie, time and time again.

So I'm guessing I'm going to rewatch it in a day or two x'D

[choliosus]

Happy one year to the QSMP!!!!

There’s a lot going on with the server right now that is being sorted out, but I just want to share my appreciation for every part of this project.

This server means so much to me. I used to watch DSMP and it will always hold a special place in my heart, but as anything does, it ended. It was already dwindling out but I think the thing that really did it was technoblade passing. And I’m gonna be honest I’m still not over that. I watched him more than any other creator, he means so much to me. The time in between his death and the start of the qsmp was especially sad. I was just missing a lot. Him, the server he played on, that community, etc.

I wanted to engage with the content from the people that he played with, but it was hard. Every update about him, such as technodad streaming, dream making the song about him, was a lot emotionally.

Also not to mention I was sooo hyperfixating on both him and the dream smp as a whole. So it left a big void in my life. I wanted to be wholeheartedly invested in something again.

Around the beginning of 2023, I started watching old Quackity vods and that became my new comfort thing. Just the silly ones where he was watching soap operas and stuff.

Then not so long after I had started doing that, he announced the QSMP. I cannot describe to you my excitement. That week or so before it started I was just so excited. And before that lmaoooo I was not thriving. School was crazy busy, I cut my own bangs and it looked terrible, and that pretty much exemplifies where I was at.

I remember switching to slimecicle’s perspective at some point during the first stream and I followed him, fit, roier, and Mariana as they went mining and were very silly. I smiled the whole time. And then, I watched more the next day, and the next day.

I had forgotten what it felt like to be a part of something that was actively taking place. It had been a while since that was how the dream smp was. I would go weeks or months without any updates, and I would just be by myself reading fanfics.

It felt really fucking good to be able to enjoy something new. Not to replace what I had before, but to start a new adventure. That’s what it feels like to me.

There was a lot to keep up with at first and luckily I had social media to sum things up for me.

Fast forward and the Brazilian members join, then the French. Each time I was a little hesitant to accept them with open arms into my mind palace but it wasn’t very long until I couldn’t imagine the server without them.

And from day 1 I was so impressed with the planning and story of the server, forcing people to stay interested. That’s something the dream smp didn’t have. I honestly don’t think I would need any of the events to have a good time, but oh my god do they make it so fun.

And the animatics???? Hello?????? I love it so much.

Now I’ve learned to accept any new members immediately. Korean members join? TIME TO DRAW THEM!

Quackity started this project with a clear vision. It is so clearly a huge passion project for him. I don’t doubt for a second that it will keep going no matter what happens.

This server has exposed me to so many creators I would never have even heard of and that’s the point. I only speak English. Without this server, I would not know half of my current silly little blorbos.

I can’t believe how creative and funny Roier is. I think about Cellbit Bagi’s lore all the time. I find myself saying “I am the best!” After Etoiles. I’ve tried to absorb as much of the fuga impossivel lore as I can. I adore Baghera’s chaos. Even some of the English speaking people I didn’t really watch that much, like jaiden, fit, even slimecicle, who I now watch probably more than anyone else.

The other day, I watched the stream of cellbit and roier playing hospital 666. In Spanish!! I don’t speak Spanish!!! I only understood about half of what they’re saying and I’m sure that half is because of QSMP. That’s incredible. This is something so much bigger than any one of us.

QSMP has given me so many people to start watching and drawing/writing/thinking about. It has given me hours upon hours of laughing and smiling. It has given me a new hyperfixation to occupy my thoughts before bed.

It means so much to me. Ever since it started, I’ve been so much happier. I could never have imagined something like this would come around. Honestly, there is not anything like this. It is the first of its kind, hopefully not the last 👀

A year went by fast. And I’m so glad to have been here since the beginning. But even then, new people join this community all the time. That’s so cool. This server has in just a year added so many more content creators, and by extension, fans. It’s insane.

And I am so, so excited for what the future will bring us 😊

[a-guy-named-e]

the states as weird things my directors have said

alabama: you have so much school spirit i almost forgot you don't know how football works

alaska: why can't you all shut the hell up every once in a while

arizona: you're the only person i'll let complain at this point. i don't think you're right, but i do think it's funny.

arkansas: you're still here? i thought you graduated. leave already, dammit.

california: i thought i was ready for the pronoun question but clearly i was not.

colorado: i don't know why he hangs out with you, all you do is smoke weed! [turns to me] you haven't started smoking weed have you?

connecticut: i will pay you seven dollars if you can get the tenors to stop giving me stupid nicknames.

delaware: yes. i know you were the first to reset. that's because you don't move.

georgia: do you know where the disembodied cougar head is? no? well then i don't know what to tell you.

florida: i never thought i'd have to say this but please do not pick up any more squirrels.

hawai'i: your disregard for authority is only funny when it's [band director], not when it's me.

idaho: i don't care what you call it, i want to know why you were arranging a marriage on the back of the bus.

illinois: i need you to do me a favor and make sure [friend] never wears that packers jersey again because next time i might strangle him.

indiana: why is it so hard for you to march slides? just turn and look at the damn cornfield!

iowa: alumni, i appreciate you coming out to watch, but please do not turn our rehearsal into a field of dreams moment.

kansas: if you make one more comment about the scenery i'm kicking you off the bus.

kentucky: you were a horse girl in a past life, weren't you?

louisiana: i know you can't dance worth shit but i need you to play like you're trying to convince someone that you can.

maine: i can't tell if you're agreeing with me or just acknowledging me but i like being agreed with so i'm going with that.

maryland: i don't trust anyone whose only experience with crab is imitation crab meat

massachusetts: i'm not technically allowed to swear around you but that was fucking terrible.

michigan: so are you just emotionally invested in awful sports teams or what?

minnesota: i know this is the midwest but can someone please bring anything other than a casserole to the pitch-in?

mississippi: i don't care who was talking, i'm telling all of you to shut up so i know i get the right one.

missouri: i know dark humor is in and all but i feel obligated to tell you that i'm a mandated reporter, so can you please make your jokes about jumping off the arch where i can't hear them?

montana: no, you may not run laps in the enchanted forest.

nebraska: it's almost the 4th, right? okay, if you can play three notes better this rep i'll run to the cornfield and check if it's knee-high for you guys.

nevada: oh my god you did not just start a poker game.

new hampshire: i don't care that it's 101°, i'm not allowed to let you be shirtless.

new jersey: the way some of you march makes me so scared of you becoming drivers.

new mexico: this should be sultry! be sultry!

new york: i don't pay $5 for my coffee. i like it black. like my soul.

north carolina: you're acting like a whiney little brother. i should know. i am the whiney little brother.

north dakota: all things being equal i'd love to agree to disagree. however all things are not equal. i'm smarter than you.

ohio: buckle up kids, this is going to be the only interesting thing you see for the next several hours.

oklahoma: trumpets i am begging you to get a personality other than metaphorical dick measuring contests with the tubas

oregon: i don't care that we used the bridge last year, we're using it again. it's our thing now.

pennsylvania: i often get sad about the fact that we border ohio but then i remember that ohio also borders us

rhode island: one more wrong note and i'm putting the piccolo on a high shelf where you can't reach it.

south carolina: i want you to play like $40 peach sweet tea.

south dakota: i wish i were an only child too, but not all of us can be that lucky

tennessee: if you hear me blasting dolly parton in my office shut up and mind your business.

texas: we don't have much going for us, but i can guarantee no one else is dumb enough to cram 90 horn players on a gym floor and make them march.

utah: i don't know why you have seven pictures of jesus taped to your face and honestly i'm a little scared to ask.

vermont: alright folks, practice is starting late today. someone put seventy two bottles of cracker barrel maple syrup in my office. yes, i counted.

virginia: i hate to be a buzzkill but unfortunately murder is still very illegal.

washington: i'm sorry, you're now legally required to get starbucks before all of our competitions. i will buy it for you if that's what it takes.

west virginia: you may have noticed country roads is in our pep band binder. please note that i will be using this as leverage for the rest of the season. if you cross the line, it gets cut. consider yourself warned.

wisconsin: i have a lot of questions honestly, but i think the two most pressing are "why are you eating a whole block of cheese" and "aren't you lactose intolerant"

wyoming: you know what? i think i'm with you on this one, i would've preferred sexy cowboys to sexy firemen too.

[lastoneout]

Hey there! Sorry it's kind of late, but I just remembered I said I'd send you a follow up ask about your dislike for the monster mom from Undertale when you had more time. But if you still don't have the time or just aren't feeling up to it, absolutely no worries! Hope you have a nice Friday!

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS

But yeah I really don't like her at all and it's maybe bcs I'm projecting some baggage onto her or smthn, but basically I went into Undertale completely blind bcs my friend told me I should experience it as fresh as possible, the only hint I got was "try not to kill anyone", so from my perspective here's what the beginning of the game was like(also forgive me if anything is out of order plot wise, I've only played the game once and it was seven years ago):

- Okay, the main character I'm playing as has clearly fallen into some sort of fantasy world, alright, games probably gonna be about us finding our way home then, cool!

- Oh, there's a goat lady?? Who's....acting like she's my mom??? Weird, I don't know her at all, and I super don't trust her bcs in fantasy stories like this you gotta watch out for characters who seem super nice but secretly want to keep you trapped "for your own good". It's a classic trope, so I'm :/ about her.

- Oh god she's being so overbearing and way too nice ugh I already don't like pushy tutorial npcs and she's def giving me bad vibes now, she's probably going to try to trap me here. All of this nice stuff feels culty and dangerous and weird, and there's this creeping dread, eugh...

- I hate butterscotch. I told her I preferred cinnamon bcs I don't like butterscotch, but now I have to eat it anyway, so she's not listening to me. So she's acting like my mom while creating an environment where my desires and preferences are not prioritized. This sucks.

- There were other kids down here maybe? What happened to them? Hmmm I think I'm in Danger.

- Eh, her house is nice but it's so empty...I don't like it here. She's refusing to talk to me about where I am or tell me how to leave, and she's kinda like demanding I just give up and live here with her and absolutely acting like she's my mom now, so yeah def trying to trap me here, I guess I'm a kidnapping victim. We gotta figure out a way to get the fuck out of here this place is culty and weird and too happy and I hate it.

- And she's trying to stop us! I knew it.

- And now she's kinda guilt tripping me! Wow yeah we REALLY need to leave.

- Fight time, but I'm not supposed to kill so I guess we just push forward? Eugh she's trying to make me feel bad for her but I don't. I just want to leave!

- Oh okay the fight is over? And she's telling me...that I can never come back?? This lady full on kidnapped me and started acting like my mom and now she's ditching me?? Bcs SHE'S too sad?? Oh my god, that's so fucking mean! I'm not even allowed to call her? Not that I wanted to, but she's just full on cutting me off?? Listen you either want to be my mom or you don't, if you're gonna commit, then fucking commit! You don't get to just act like you love me and then rip it all away! Jesus, this sucks. Okay, well fuck you too lady, I'm leaving, see ya never I hope!

And then I got really emotionally invested in everyone else and especially Asgore bcs I love a tragic king who is trying to do what's right even if it involves horrible things and losing every thing and everyone he loves, but hey at least he's being up front about it! And not lying to me or anything! I appreciate the honesty.

But then she showed up at the end of the game and I was just like oh god she's back fucking yikes. And she's acting like she's better than Asgore?? And he's listening?? Damn also she's totally okay with murder since she just told him he could have taken one human soul and crossed the barrier, so she doesn't even have the moral high ground on that, so she's a coward and so fake wtf, oh god now she's acting like my mom again, fucking great. I'm running as soon as the credits roll.

So yeah....I was VERY surprised when I went online and saw how everyone loved her so much, cuz to me she's just a rude weird control freak lady who tried to trap me in purgatory alone with her forever and then acted like I was the bad guy for asking to leave before Completely Abandoning me. And maybe it's due to some trauma I've been through or smthn, I think it probably is tbh, but I just cannot bring myself to see her as anything but a weirdo who pretended to love me and then abandoned me the second I asserted a single boundary.

And that's why I don't like Toriel.

[clonerightsagenda]

ask meme: holly munro or kitty jones

(Ask meme here)

While I am a big fan of Ms. Direct Action herself Kitty Jones, I read the other series more recently, so let's go with Holly Munro, who did not deserve any of that.

First impression

Oh thank god finally someone who can get these kids' finances in order. Why is Lucy being so mean

Impression now

Again: She did not deserve any of that. Especially since I think she probably quit her last job because she turned 18 and her boss took that as permission to be creepy. Glad she blew up his facility after they kicked him into a hell portal. Shame she didn't get to do the kicking.

Favorite moment

Love when Lockwood (everyone's boss + coworker + landlord, horrifying combination) invites Holly to live with them in his new spare bedroom and is baffled that she turned him down. I am imagining her facial expression right now but I'm sure she was extremely polite about the offer to live in his deathtrap of a home full of heavily armed emotionally unstable 15 year olds and cursed relics. Like, I guess not having to pay rent is a draw, but At What Cost. (The cost of rent.)

Idea for a story

Answering these out of order but inspired by my response to the last bullet point I think there's a funny multichapter fic where she tries to sit each employee down to do a skills assessment/Career Planning Interview and it goes horribly. At least George has prospects.

Unpopular opinion

This is not addressed in the text because the text doesn't really address race and ethnicity beyond an unfortunate number of food comparisons for Holly's skintone, but the fact that she is the only employee of color at the agency and gets treated that way by Lucy while their boss is willfully or unintentionally oblivious to the whole thing adds to how shitty her experience was. I hope she had friends to lean on during those months.

Favorite relationship

Don't feel like we get a lot here since most of Lucy's perspective on Holly is seething and/or thinking she's hot. However since she's over that now I hope they can be friends. Holly really wanted to be friends! Also Holly can explain the brave new world of other orientations which I think will help Lucy figure some stuff out. Lucy could stand to apologize a bunch more though.

Favorite headcanon

Most agents don't seem to like acknowledging getting older - there's no mention of birthdays, I don't think Lucy ever directly states her age - so Holly stands out to me as someone who's already prepping for like. Being alive 10 years from now. She eats healthy foods. She uses skincare products. My point is that she's a planner. She is the only agency employee under 20 with a resume and an investment account. You will not be finding her working at Starbucks in a few years when her talent dries up. She tries to get her coworkers to do career aptitude quizzes with her but they always change the subject.

[celiaelise]

Still thinking about how I should maybe see a new* therapist...

*(or additional??? The thought of leaving my current therapist is kind of terrifying so I've not been focusing on that aspect)

I think I'd want someone who has experience working with adhd, and maybe also autism, specifically, and who already has a framework to understand all my executive dysfunction, and has no expectation that I will ever, be, like, "normal".

My current therapist definitely doesn't mean to do this, she never shames me and is very supportive, but I sometimes feel like she assumes I have things in common with her that I don't think I ever will. I think this is maybe because I am very well-spoken and can seem socially adept. Like idk a better way to phrase this, but she is just very "normie".

It'd be ideal if they were someone who I could be open with about how much disdain I have for capitalism and the ways it affects me and my loved ones. And how, like, I don't have any respect for the "rules" of capitalism. And think it is morally wrong.

Again, my current therapist would probably be respectful enough if I voiced these things, but I just don't think she would actually understand. I know she has a pretty extensive history of working with cops and military, and she seems to have respect for these people. Then again, maybe talking like a ~radical~ would be just what I need to finally get her to see me as "other" from her in a way that I feel like we're currently missing.

Oh, god. Is my therapist projecting onto me?? lol. I don't think she really is, I think empathy is just a natural part of her practice and who she is, (something i think we do have in common) but I do think she views me more as a friend than is helpful. Or, actually, probably more like one of her several daughters or granddaughters.

idk. I should probably try to talk to her about some of this. That is literally her job, after all. I just like she's been very dismissive about some of my issues lately? In, like, a "toxic positivity" kind of way. Like, she'll be like, "oh, those feelings make sense for someone in your situation", instead of helping me figure out how to stop those feelings from ruining my life. (possible slight exaggeration) And she'll focus on small solutions to surface-level problems instead of addressing the root of the issue.

And I have a really hard time recognizing and addressing when these things are happening in real time! My "social interaction" brain is on!! Plus, now that I have known her for many years and am emotionally invested in our relationship and her opinion of me, my "don't let this person get disappointed or upset by anything you say" instincts are active. I don't even think she would be, but it's a hard filter for me to turn off! But it'd be easier for me to be candid with someone new, I think, in that respect.

idk I have a lot of her respect and affection right now, which is, like, kind of how I think I measure my self-worth, (from everyone, not just her) but I feel like in this specific instance it might be getting in the way of things.

[tyonfs]

GIRL DONT GET ME STARTED ON WEBTOONS I WILL NEVER SHUT UP!!!!

but omg yeah i see what u mean w operation true love HAHA the sister is so annoying so it gives me SO MUCH satisfaction to see her not getting her way rn!! omg if u do decide to start it again lmk!!! 🤭 AND JIMIN AND YE EUN ARE GETTING THEIR OWN WEBTOON??? OMG E2L ARC I LOVE THEM SM CRIESNFKGNRN

i'm literally keeping up w so many webtoons rn (i gave up on anime bc of webtoons im sorry alice 😭😔) but my two absolute favs r seasons of blossom and honey lemon!!! (both of them update on the same day too so that's lucky for me LOL) but i recently found this new webtoon called muse on fame and i am Very Invested already!!! i also keep up w hello baby, go away romeo, operation: true love, maybe meant to be, the guy upstairs, get schooled!, perfect marriage revenge, there must be happy endings, dark moon: the blood altar, and marry my husband!! plus a lot of daily pass ones like designated bully, reality quest etc. OH and i don't even like horror but i found this rlly good dystopian one called everything is fine! it's currently on hiatus but i m super excited for the next season! i might also start purple hyacinth bc it's on hiatus rn and i can catch up quickly! beyond virtual is also rlly cool but it's also on hiatus rn unfortunately :(

which are ur fav webtoons??

also omg i saw u saw the dreamies live!!! THATS SO AWESOME I SHALL HAVE TO LIVE VICARIOUSLY THRU U :') which of their songs did u enjoy seeing live the most? and how were they irl? like . do they look the same as in videos? (idk if this makes sense but like are they taller than they seem or like. basically how are their personalities irl? 😭)

I'm so sorry for the long ask lmao i tend to get too excited whenever someone asks me ab webtoons 💀🥲 i hope ur day has been great and you got to eat lots of good food and stayed hydrated!! – anime :)

HAHAH i’ve been on the webtoon grind for the past 6 years it’s hard to escape 🫨

the art style is still rlly nice so i would consider reading true love operation tbh LMAOAO but love triangles also stress me out 😔 (odd girl out you have ruined me) also i’m not sure if i translated the raws wrong but i think they’re just getting extra chapters :’)) lowkey…….. i like them more than the main couple 🫣

LMAOAODJJ ANIME ANON U EVOLVED INTO WEBTOON ANON 😩 omg seasons of blossom is my absolute fav i remember when the first three chapters were out and i thought it was the cutest webtoon ever and now it’s the most emotionally damaging work of art i’ve ever read 😭💗 i fast passed to the end and wow. incredibly beautiful. and honey lemon is so cute too!!! i hate the boyfriend 😡😡😡 cant wait for her to break up with him!!! omg muse on fame is sooo good i love the art style so much 🤭 hello baby is from the author of age matters right ?? i subscribed but i’m yet to check it out :0 i will have to once i catch up with unordinary LOL

omg i read those too except the daily pass ones 😩 dear x and suhee0 are the only ones i’ve been trying to keep up with </3 everything is fine is one of my favoritesss i’m so sad it’s been on hiatus tho 😔 omg the hybe webtoons im ngl i think the only one that caught my attention was the lesserafim one :’)

hmm i’d say my favorites at the moment are seasons of blossom, villain with a crush, cursed princess club, phone addict, our secret alliance, odd girl out, exchange student, the fox club, act like you love me, my dud to stud boyfriend, and after school lessons for unripe apples 💗💗 my all time favorites would have to be romance 101, swimming lessons for a mermaid, and seasons of blossom 🌷🌷

oh my god i have post concert memory loss from tds2 i swear but they were so unreal 😭💖 like i couldn’t believe they were right in front of my eyes they were incredibleee i think my fav stage to watch was trigger the fever 🥹🥹 ngl i think they’re shorter irl . but my guy friends are also 6’3 and i’m pretty short so i have a skewed perception anyways LMAOAO but they’re so passionate when they perform and RENJUN was so energetic i was so soft watching him 🥰 but they are all so much more gorgeous irl like YES they are beautiful on camera but it’s such a different experience in the flesh

don’t apologize !!! also i hope you’re staying healthy as well and make sure you have a good day 🥰💖

[madraleen]

Seraph of the End: Vampire Reign A Not-So-Kind Commentary

-yuu and mika are so sweet, and this situation in the vampire orphanage is so sad.

-i assume mika's turned into a vampire?

-huhuhu, mika teethies XD

-the pace is kinda slow, huh

-idk. it just doesn't *excel* at anything. it feels like a shounen formula that doesn't excel at anything or stand out in any way.

-the fact that the squad has lengthy strategy conversations at a normal pace when the vampires are just standing there waiting for them to be done is ridiculous. they're speaking normally, no hurriedness, no nothing.

-i feel like the story lacks the benefit of a concrete end goal, and that makes mika's early reveal wonky. there is no endgame to yuu. he wants to kill vampires- okay, and? what's the ultimate goal, the ultimate baddie? it's all very vague. us knowing that mika is alive makes for frustration rather than tension, because he isn't doing anything. there's nothing creating suspense except the anticipation of how yuu will react when he sees him. we are waiting for that conflict, the moment when they meet, and we're not getting such heightened kind of conflict from anywhere else, so getting through the training and the minions is like "okay, but can they meet already." and we're repeating the same tiny arc- yuu has established he looks after others like four times now. and for me, the characters aren't strong enough to get you through idle times and training arcs on their own. they're absolutely fine as characters, they do the job, but they're neither stand-out versions of their archetypes, nor am i emotionally invested in them to just go through anything with them and be happy about it. hence: some conflict and real tension please

-they're doping?? lol

-"let's hurry," shinoa says, walking as slowly as she can

-WHY ARE SHINOA AND YUU WALKING SO SLOWLY OH MY GOD! HURRY, GO FIND YOUR FRIENDS IN THE PARK!

-the action is so lukewarm. there's no tension- not in the sound, not in the animation, not in the directing, nowhere.

-ooh mika did stab guren! interesting.

-OOOH YUU STABBED MIKA! NOW WE'RE TALKING!

-these long conversations that stop the action really kill the vibe/tension

-the fact that the entire battle has stopped, the WAR HAS STOPPED, just so two random kids can get their reunion reaction, ffs, are you SURE

-AHAHA DID MIKA JUST CARRY YUU BRIDAL STYLE, MIKA WHY

-what's with yuu's blood eye, is that his 10%? oh he went full monster, cool

-aaahhhh mika jumping in front of yuu so that he won't kill shinoa, nice nice nice

-the action is still incredibly slow though.

-i don't think i've mentioned lately how fond i am of kensho ono. i am so fond, i think it's such a shame that he’s not talked about as often as other seiyuu.

-like literally, poor yuu turned into a whole-ass monster and didn't even kill one progenitor. not even one vampire.

[allylikethecat]

my dear ally!!!!

friday’s ATKH update was so so wonderful & on a friday was equally as heartbreaking / exciting i must talk about it!!!!!

okay i am LIVING for hot & cocky fictional!george & his ability to make our sweet fictional!matty blush it is so cute and so fun lmao

the flowers???!! he brought him flowers??!!! and he was all flustered omg i could cry

also the Pop cameo??! super cute. I know absolutely nothing about horses but i love reading this fic so much bc your love and passion for horses comes through so beautifully especially with fictional!george and fictional!matty and it just makes the fic that much more genuine and enjoyable.

this chapter was so so adorable & i LOVE this insight into super cool fictional!george i just hope he keeps his romeo act up and doesn’t emotionally destroy our fictional!matty too much.

now i must dissect on a friday because OH MY GOD. I was so excited for this update it did NOT disappoint

the way you depict fictional!mattys discomfort and pain is so heartbreaking but so so good

the way this man only wants fictional!george like HELLO DUH he is the only one for you and we must make this happen!!

no but the way this genre is something i have avoided for many years & somehow i am so fully invested in this fic & this dynamic it is insane ally u are a genius and i am beyond obsessed

and fictional!george to the rescue!!!!!! i fear things r about to really kick off and i am very very excited.

you, my wonderful ally are a literary genius and you write gatty fic like no other & i thank u terribly for ur service.

also! to make this ask even more of an essay — I saw ur book discussion and just wanted to say i LOVE leigh bardugo & the ninth house/hell bent were so good - i haven’t got to the familiar yet but if you say its good i’ll have to bump it up my tbr list!!!

yours,

- 💌

AHH Hello My Dear Letter Anon! I hope you are well! I am about to write you an essay in return so buckle up!

I'm so happy that you enjoyed the new chapter of All the King's Horses! Writing a strictly happy / fluffy chapter was a new thing for me and I'm so glad you enjoyed it! The calm before the storm lol ATKH Fictional!George knows he is hot shit and has the advantage right now- plus making Fictional!Matty blush is so much fun! He's so cute all pink. Listen, no one has ever brought Fictional!Matty flowers before it was very unexpected and a lot for him to process lol Pop tried so hard to become the main character in this chapter lol I cut so much that was basically just him being cute, I was like sir this is not your story 😂 All I can say is... even if Fictional!George were to cause some hurt Fictional!Matty is tough, he's made it through worse already and unfortunately almost expects it at this point, things are starting to feel too good to be true to him at the moment...

YAY! Thank you so much for reading the new chapter of On a Friday as well! I know that ~things~ have happened and the ball is now ROLLING! Thank you so much I feel like that is the biggest compliment omg I am so happy that you're enjoying my writing style and the pain that Fictional!Matty is feeling, he wants Fictional!George SO MUCH and is so conflicted over this fact. Also thank you SO MUCH for giving it a chance, especially if it's not something that you usually read oh my gosh, I am even more honored that you're enjoying it! Hehe yes Fictional!George is on his way...

AHHH YES NINTH HOUSE FANS RISE UP I had the worst book hangover after I finished Hell Bent I was like WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE THIRD ONE ISNT OUT YET. I literally lay in bed at thinking about those books and I finished them in January lol SO GOOD Alex is like my current favorite book MC she is so fucked up and flawed but also so strong and badass? I love her and her gentleman demon. I'm about 100 pages into The Familiar so far- I'm doing a buddy read with my cousin which is fun! So far I think I am enjoying it, I'm not usually a huge Historical Fiction person but the fantasy aspect of it is interesting and I like Leigh Bardugo- I will report back once I have read more!

Thank you SO MUCH for sending me this wonderful multipart ask! I smiled so wide when I saw it! Also thank you so much for like reading my fics in the first place? You are incredible and I am so grateful! I hope your Tuesday was spectacular and that you have a wonderful rest of your week!

❤️Ally