#ok im back um what was i saying
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when i was a kid i was so fucking scared of every single horror movie ever. like there was this movie i really really REALLY wanted to watch and we went to watch it and i was so excited. please note that i just wanted to watch it because there was a lion on the trailer. so i watched it and it was really good for a while but then there was a zombie and wasnt able to sleep for three months. it was a comedy movie
#i am normal about horror movjes now (kinda) bc my english teacher puts horror movies in class#this time we can choose and vote which movie were gonna watch (democracy wins) and hold on there are fireworks#ok im back um what was i saying#oh yeah. well i think were gonna watch puss in boots probably bc most of my classmates voted that as a joke (which. is rly awesome tbh))#i personally voted mario live action movie 1993 bc its funny and i thought could be interesting but now people are laughing at me i think#oh well#ikna talks
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small update
ok so um I got my number theory paper today, and the TA had cut marks for me because i left the answer at 66^2 and not 4356 (fermat's little theorem) 😔 I even wrote the full proof
my friend told me I should mail the TA about this, I got 14/20 and should be getting 17or18/20 😔
scores aside, number theory is so much fun, so much fun. the only good thing here is that I know the concepts well, and I fully knew the paper (still fucked it up, because I'm so frickin slow while writing and time). and it hurts worse because there's not enough proof that validates my knowledge. which in turn makes me question if i actually do have any.
I am, in general, a person who does well in concepts but screws up the exams (70% of the time) and I'm trying, I'm trying to get myself out of this "exam paniK" that I often spiral into, just minutes before the exam. I hope I change and grow; I hope, I hope.
#im so sorry for this meltdown once again#so sorry#and for the paper - many people got 20#it was actually a very easy paper and yes 20 was doable#even i could've gotten a 20 had i not screwed up the way i did#and i feel so bad to even say “had i not screwed up...” the excuse sounds horrible to my ears#well what is done is done#i can only try better next time#this course might just end up being the easiest to get an A#let's hope that I don't fuck up this one too#after seeing my paper i just returned it and came back#and my friend was like “ok. why did u not ask them why you've lost so much when the concepts are all right there on your paper?”#and i was like “um so should i ask them?” she went “YES.”#but by the time i went back to the hall the TAs had left so i have to mail mine now#and im very worried that she wouldn't change the current grading#last time i missed an A in math by 1/2 marks and i don't want the same thing to happen this time 😔😔#oh god ONE good thing can help me right now please#ru's trying#JUST 1 good thing#just give me ONE#i was so out of sorts today i slept for ~5 hours during the day and missed my calc class#i deliberately missed it though bc i wasn't feeling up to mark#i regret not going but my brain simply said no we're not there atm so maybe it was for the better#once again im so so SO sorry for the meltdowns lately#it's been bad rains and cloudy days in my head for a while now#i hope for the sun soon
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society if the duffers had gone through with their original plan to have mike go to the upside down in s1 to find will
#byler#it's enough for me to know that he WOULD but i still would have liked to see it........ but i guess there's still s5..... sniffles n cries#when will's ankle gets caught in a vine n vecna goes YOINK n u just see mike's eyes go crazy wide as he starts sprinting after him faster#than he ever has tripping stumbling falling in a very mike fashion but he keeps going n he doesn't make it in time but it doesn't matter#it doesn't matter bc he's NOT going to lose will again he's NOT going to lose him on HIS watch a-fucking-gain he won't he CAN'T#and maybe it's a party affair so he looks back at lucas n dustin who are almost there and they're screaming after#him BECAUSE MIKE WAIT STOP MIKE WE DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT WEAPONS but mike just furrows his brow and goes in#bc he's the heart he's the paladin he's going to lead them and he's going to save will because will needs him but also he needs will#and. and um. well. then i fucking die of course#OR COULD U IMAGINE IF will goes on a solo mission and he thinks he's managed to sneak away but mike pops up like 'what are you doing? 🤨'#bc he always sees will and he always knows when something is up and it's a crazy plan but they did say crazy together and that they'd be a#team no matter what and that they would kill vecna so liek. do u see what im saying are u seeing my visions are u feeling my insanity rn .#they get surrounded or trapped somewhere and will casts fog cloud n saves the party like he did in a previous campaign. etc etc#dustin is their bard who has snacks n keeps things lighthearted mike leads the way n will is at his side n lucas is their eyes n ears n it'#almost like one of their campaigns bc the show started with that and those were their roles when will was missing and now it'll end#like that and so on n so forth. nods mhm mhm#takes deep breath ok back 2 studying i go byeeee
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I want to try you house out of the sheer curiosity of seeing it on so many people’s art fight bios and I want to SEE!!!! but I think u gotta get codes from real human beings (who pay to use the site I think?? That gives them codes??) in order get in there so. I guess I will be turning into a turnip instead.
#I am all over the place right now and I CANNOT wrangle my stupid little brain meat right now#Do u ever sneeze so hard you nearly throw out ur back#I fear that every time I sneeze bc I sneeze kind of aggressively#Like just now. Like they’re not scary loud like my parents#But they’re hefty!!!!!#Anyway would I even use toy house or just stare at it and get scared??? Well I don’t know.#But I think I would try may haps#It all depends on the community I crave community#<- says the person whose been actively hiding from tumblr days at a time#Despite this being the only place I DO have that online community circle lol#Um it’s complicated. I’m experiencing a complicated thing in my brain lately I cannot explain it I’m. It’s fine. 🚶#not leaving tho id be too sad#Im justbhwhehdhfhfhthtjtgjfgngng trying to figure something out. I do not know what yet#Ok I gotta pee goodbye ✌️
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im not even done my current kuwameshi fic and im already getting ideas about new ones...
#kuwameshi#give me a sec i'll reblog later with the actual idea but like#WHAT IF UM KUWAMESHI BUT UM. PRINCESS BRIDE AU...#i also have another song fic idea but it's way sillier than the one i have on ao3#based off you me and steve by garfunkel and oates#i got the idea cos i just remembered when yusuke got back from training with genkai the 1st time and instead of a 1 on 1 date with keiko#kuwabara is also? there? and it's just so funny to me like what. and then they're supposed to all 3 go to the movies together?#AND WHEN THEY GET THERE THE 2 BOYS DITCH KEIKO?? for a mission yeah but she doesn't know that!!#and then yusuke and keiko actually go on a date alone and it gets interrupted cos of younger toguro#and shortly after kuwabara shows up so it looks like he was bound to come across them??#as far as a i remember the next time yu and keiko get together alone is the day he tells her to just wait and she's like im literally#not gonna wait for you <3 and it was so funny she just walked off lmaoo#anyway im trying to say i wanna make a silly little fic addressing the fact that keiko is like. pursuing her crush on yusuke#but kuwabara is kinda just. always there and it's fun she does like him but it's just awkward#planning on having her ask kuwa to maybe give her and yusuke some time alone like maybe just avoid their next outing#and kuwa is like oh damn :( ok good luck and yusuke shows up to the date and he's like woah wait. where tf is kuwabara?#keiko is like bruh. and she makes up some shit about him mentioning that he felt sick or wtv and yusuke is like ''then y are we here?#i should check on him. i dont think that guy has even been put outta commission by anything but my fist!'' and keiko just follows him#cos what else can she do. and kuwa is fine ofc and yusuke is like bro what gives i thought you were sick and kuwa is dense sometimes but he#catches on from keiko's desperate look and he's like well i got better *flexes his arm* and yu is like i knew you were too dumb to catch#a cold. and he's stupid happy that kuwa is fine and can come with them after all ''hey he's fine ya hear that keiko''#and then keiko is watching this whole exchange eyes blown wide open and she's like actually i just remembered i have plans#you two should totally go without me tho and yu agrees so easily that it just solidifies that she made the right call#kuwa is looking back at her all confused and she gives HIM the good luck thumbs up. he gets as red as his hair and#yusuke is worried he really is coming down with something
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pros of easily splitting system : sourcemates r here
cons of easily splitting system : sourcemates r here
#not a new development someof u were actually here before me#But Still .#the world if some of u were not in my fucking brain and being mad at me for Thinking About The Timelines#like ok sorry i have a stupid extra one where im in the resistance and then Died i didnt want that one either#anyway if i stop posting on here its because i got killed again (joke)#u******g stuff#this shift is terrible i look at my other posts and im like why did i say that why do i think that why was i being GAY?????#IT MAKES ME HAVE NORMAL OPINIONS BUT AT WHAT COST.#i dont /need/ to have normal opinions it does make my sourcemates judge me less but like . um . The Consequences#pleeeaaaaaseeee go back in the repression box . what did i even do in like jan-march when i was like this 24/7#pointedly staring at a wall? avoiding front? gatekeeper chicken? what?#screams and cries. can i not just be one character this is literally the worst combo of all time#txt#delete later
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#personal#keep being like. if Only i had talked to him sooner. if Only i had been Friendlier sooner. but its like#Realistically.... probably wasnt ready. and also like. itd have to happen after school was over anyway bc 1. um i need to focus on school#and 2. how Awkward if i asked him out n he said no. or say we broke up or soemthing#like there were weeks i saw him every day. aint no way... i could handle the awkwardness of that#so ok ok ok. everything is fine JFJFJKFKFKFMFMFMFMFMF#i just have to remember not to get in my own head about it#like if i wanna message him i just should.....#its just..... hhhhHHhhhhh whyd this have to happen to me at 29. i could have been a happy spinster thank u NFJFJFJFJJFJFJFJF#but now ik what having an actual crush is like and oh wow is it painful. but also beautiful n fun. i just...... and lets face it this is#more than a crush. like its definitely Like like but i dont wanna say the Real L Word bc it seems..... idk JDJDJJDJD#but ive definitely um.... fallen. ya. ew JDJDKDJKDKDKDKDKS#but im just gonna follow my gut or whatever the fuck has been guiding me bc things have worked out so far#and like it wouldnt have without his participation. like ya....#im just like... what if he Forgets about me or like everything fizzles out#but then its like i Know if i see him again itll all come back.#bc in the summer i tried so hard to get over him (and kinda succeeded)... only to see him again in class and be like oh fuck oh no and the#n That Dinner. that was the final blow. i was so overwhelmed i got lost on the way home#which... the restaurant we were at is less than 10 mins from my house so you can imagine the uh Overwhelmingness#i cant even remember the original point of this but. i think we'll find a way ....... i say we but i should say 'i' bc until he tells me#that he likes me im gonna have to like Not Assume. hhhh#it doesnt help either that ppl were bringing up 'hes just not that into you' on twt bc Now im like#oh God. am i in that kind of situation???? i doubt it tho. i think hes just reserved. GAH. whatever happens happens
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I have a longing to be understood more than anything else i think
#someone very recently acknowledged something that usually goes unseen and it wasn't even that great of an acknowledgement but ive just been#staring at the messages every once in a while. its great. not really i sort of feel like a real weirdo#im very lonely. i cant say why but let it be known that i am very lonely#ok i have a question to those who lie their eyes upon this post: tell me what you know about me please?#so much lies in my social perception and i am just. not being perceived. at all. darn#i have a lot to cry about but morally i dont think i should-- specifics would mean being mean to the people i love#talking to anyone anymore just makes me feel horrible. doing anything anymore makes me feel horrible..tmbg has my back though ill live for#another.week or a few. and then my birthday will happen and rhen um#.Well. it sucks that sucks man. i dont want to disclose my age but to elaborate on why ACTUALLY HOLD ON#the thing i am about to say is not true; it is a metaphorical thing: it is my 21st birthday soon.#i decided that i wouldnt live past this age around 5 years ago and the only reason ive lived five years is being killed this year. i dont#think every thing ive been desperately clinging on to for the past 2 (?) years can keep me alive past then..i think im going to die. i have#to#NO MORE BEING A DOWNER#fox (vulpes vulpes) on the Internet for the first time#okay maybe a little more..i dont know who im talking to in this post. my friends do not read my tumblr and. i dont know anyone else.really.#uh#I'm listen to tmbg right now i love them#hey reader; i can only think of 3 people who see enough about me to check my blog. so i have separate questions for the each of you.#one of you likes (liked? school came in and i couldnt see your blog much past then; idk if its changed) tmbg. what do you think of The Else?#and uh you there... the guyyy. Google john flansburgh..i dont have a reason to this one ive just not been able to stop thinking about askin#you what you think of him.#um third person..... um#okay theres nothing iecan ask. i do want to apologize to you though: im sorry.#iThis is bullshit#im gonna delete this soon#Um also sorry if my wording here is. really wack. i tend to do that#i dont think anyones going to see this as is always#i think i just like talking to the hypothetical beast. yeah
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the results of that "is fanfic a book" poll have shown me one thing and its that this site never graduated past that absolutely insufferable phase in 2013 where everyone acted like every book is the single most sacred thing on earth
#sorry rant incoming. you know like the people who got way too offended over dog earing or carving books for art or things like that?#that's what the notes section of that poll feel like. just way too many people (on both sides) putting way too much importance on Books.#like first you have the 'um ive read fanfic that was deep and beautiful and thematic so yes all fanfic is books' votes#which like. ok. ive also read really deep thematic screenplays but that doesnt make it a book its simply not. what a book is#then you have the honestly even worse 'um your reylo au isn't like the works of the masters its not REAL BOOKS' crowd#which like. yeah most actual published books are not as good as the 'works of the masters' whatever that means. so you have proven nothing#which brings us back to the absolute worst of all 'colleen hoover & co aren't books either' SOMEHOW#like. ok well i think her work is pretty bad but it was literally edited and published into literal books so#if you're going to decide that you get to be the arbiter of what books are Good Enough to count as Real Books well you've lost already.#because no that's not how any of this works. youre fighting one of the most famous Losing Battles in all of art discourse.#a book is just. a format that writing can be in its not some holy status you have to work to acheive#and to try and turn it into that is really stupid and self important i think because like again#who gets to decide what books are Real? what motivates them to make that choice? what biases are benefited from that?#i think its worth noting in conversations like this everyone wants to deny female romance authors the title of Real Book#(which yes a lot of those books are very shallow or badly written. many have outright offensive tropes)#but nobody mentions the equally shallow and offensive stuff by/for men. like william johnstone's shitty cowboy books for example.#no matter how you try to frame it youre going to lose the second you decide something has to fit your standards to be real art.#avpost#its very reminiscent for me of the conversation around modern art where people just want to say they know what is and isn't real art#based on like whatever standards they want. 'ugh its just dots it's not real art'. do u see where im coming from.#a book is just. a piece of writing that was edited and published in the form of a physical book. that's it. its a v literal if vague noun.#it can be something with a lot of depth and meaning. it can be shallow and hacky. it can be nonfiction entirely. its not a value statement#which can also be said about art as a whole some of it is very shallow and bad. some of it is extremely skilled and profound#anyway. no fanfic isn't inherently books but some fanfics have undergone editing & publishing and became books i think#and that doesnt mean that they're 'as good as' the classics by really skilled writers. but theyre still books#tbh a lot of the published fanfic books are worse than most nonbook fanfic. them being books isnt a statement of being more valuable.#its just a literal fact.#i think its interesting to discuss but i swear its not a huge deal whether fanfic is books the bigger deal to me is#the weird attitude popping up on both sides. which i think most people would also find stupid if their brains hadnt been like#totally ruined by an uninterrupted 5 years of insufferable-on-all-sides fanfic discourse that has ruled this website.
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NPR TINY DESK CONCERT LEAVES 7 DEAD 21 INJURED
#AUGHHHH#so critically down bad for longer hair russell he NEEDS to keep it this length it looks SO good#love the couple lyrical mishaps in the first two songs. thank you for this special dance#i actually genuinely love when that happens when they do songs live im not makin fun of russ#also enjoy russell really looking at the camera here we haven't seen this kind of action since top of the pops#THE MYSTERY VERSE OF THIS TOWN IS BACK!!!! god bless#after the 'heartbeat. increasing heartbeat' part of it ill never understand what he says next#ive even looked it up but i can never remember and its just russell keysmash to me <3#AND THE HIGH NOTE. YET AGAIN! can this shut up the people on facebook who are like um hes not really hitting the note anymore :/#and in the end credits when hes like 'um i sang those other lyrics. from the old version. is that ok' babygirllllllllll#i also liked rons surprised reaction to the applause after nothing is as good as they say it is#and evan..... hi.#spars
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i think if you grew up in my household you would have put a gun to my mom and dad's heads already
#help i came home and they got so ballistic that i didnt say hi to them#after my 9 months of driving myself home and entering the house from work not once have they urged a greeting out of me#why the hell do they care now???#like mom got so mad and i was like um ok * goes back to watching danny gonzalez * then i get shouted at to come to parents room#and im like siiiighhh let me put on my jacket i know this will be a while#and im just getting yelled at and standing there like. is the song and dance over yet. can i get back to my computer#and my dad is like your MOM and I DONT TREAT YOU GUYS LIKE THAT#and im just in my head like.....you give us greetings rather than treating us like human beings.....ok....i would prefer the respect rather#than the greetings....#and my dads like whenever I come home I always greet everyone#and its like. yeah ? i can think of a few times where you havent but it doesnt matter when its you right#oh you can come home and greet everyone yeah but can you treat us with respect? are you capable of not having everyone groan when they hear#your car horn that indicates you're home? do you have the ability to not make everyone hide and vacate to their rooms when they hear your#key unlocking the door? no? then i dont care about the fact you can say hi to everyone#and mom is like lecturing me and my sister about not cleaning as well and its like hi what about your husband#hi maybe you should question why we cant clean our rooms#maybe its the fact you never taught us how to organize or how often to clean? did you know you've never taught us how to properly clean?#did you know i cant clean without a timer? are you aware that your eldest daughter that gives you attitude and promised to be mean when#she's taking care of you in your last years of life doesnt clean whatsoever? the 26 year old that acts just like your husband? the one whos#only chore is to wash dishes and doesnt even do that? she complains shes too tired because of work but even on her off days she doesnt do i#? do you remember that she only does the dishes when she's going out with a boy? do you remember the 3 months where i took it upon myself t#do everyones chores because i had the time? the way you dont acknowledge i helped out a lot during that time and helped keep peace through#the house by doing that? you dont because you love to focus on the negatives and as a result you make your own life miserable#and everyone else's?especially mine because im the one who actually feels guilt? but dont do it bc im tired of doing someone else's work?
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hm i do not like how my brain works
#just came up with something horrible. ok so i was on wikipedia reading about mimicry in animals#and how animal A tries to look like animal B‚ and it can be of 2 types. either it wants to fool other animal B members#or it wants to fool a third animal C. like how some butterflies try to look like the monarch butterfly#so that birds that don't eat the monarch won't touch them either#and what struck me is like. the animal being fooled is really the only one that matters here.#monarch butterflies can tell who's who but they don't matter because its the *BIRDS* that need to be deceived#i can look at a wasp shaped flower and immediately go ''oh nice try. you are a flower'' but that doesn't matter because THE WASP IS FOOLED!#so now im. thinking. if there is a creature trying to mimic humans. then we're really all it needs to convince#like. it might be GLARINGLY obvious to your dog or cat or fuck‚ even your houseplants. and they might even try to tell you but they can't#so like. idk mb mosquitoes won't sit on them & gut bacteria won't grow in their gut & they never get lice & dogs don't try to please them#but that won't be noticeable because really all that matters is that they pass to humans. dna tests turn out fine they seem ok in autopsies#say yay! now i have to unplug my phone from the charger to sit with my back to the wall but. at least i have story ideas#um.#unreality
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area adult shocked and concerned to wake up and realize they're Really Depressed despite weeks of warning
#and by warning i mean i myself have been saying im depressed#its just a bit um. idk worrisome that i fully am back to the 'spending all day in bed' era :/#ummmmm. ok. idk what to do here lol
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(id in alt) the pfp i drew :] original sketch under th cut bc i ws rly proud of it Huge smile
(id in alt again)
#TWEAKED alittle bit originally i just had rh first pic but then i messed with makinh th symbols smaller#bc it made me mad that the moon. th dark spot kind of looks like the pupil of th eye yk#and it ws making me mad... im mixed on th smaller symbols tho Sobs#yayy tho. posting art so scary#I ALSO CONSIDEREDDD UM.. doing lineless#but faces r rly hard 2 do lineless 4 me bc obviously umm. th face lines...#and ik lineless doesnt mean Zero lines but i cn never make it look balanced enough#umm ya !! had t mess around with it aswell bc i finished it and then realized that i had made my hsir WAY 2 curly#oh its meant 2 be me btw. if that wasnt clear.. i wa ted t be like#bc obviously you wouldnt know it ws me from the pics. so i dodnt say my name in th alt and also used theythem#idk what yr meant t do wif that... i might go back and change th ids t be more specific#but yayaya. also i dont have these glasses obviously. and i dont have purple skun#SRY I GET SO NERVOUS POSTING SRT DJFBJFNGG. I MIGHT DELETE THIS PRETTY SOON AFTER BC IM SHY..#ik its rly simple but. ive been in a major art rut 4 a while. so just doing simple things that i like is rly helpful :]#also my first drawing using this digital brush n i rly like it :] big smile#OK SAURY. THATS ALL
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Hey you aren't dumb ❤️ you are carrying a lot on your plate right now and I can't imagine what it's like now having the weight of people waiting for your story I would freeze and not be able to do it ngl. Your best is going to look different from day to day some days you'll get everything you wanted done and some you will get nothing done, regardless you still did your best. The fact you've even been able to kinda balance everything is impressive
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uuauaghh o(T□T)o rose anon..... why are u so kind.... yyeah um. the weight of expectations is killing me just a little. just a tiiiny bit lol. it was definitely easier to write and post before when i was brand new and no one was expecting anything (and there were especially no expectations on like the Quality of my writing)... idk. even like the longer i take it gets worse bc im like.. it has to be Really good now to be worth the wait. imagine i take months to put this out and ppl dont like it. ahhh. and then i get extra nitpicky and change things so it takes LONGER.. a vicious cycle. lolllll but yeahh! ty for reminding me that like it's okay. i super super superr appreciate u ❤️🫶
#me when i start crying#💖🩷💕🩵🫶#ask#🥀#oughs another tangent. i think it even worsens when ppl send nice comments and i hhhate that 😭#like if someone says they loved rosy and theyre so excited for more im like. well obviously initial reaction is WOWIFJD 💕❤️🩷💖#but then im like#ok. theyre excited. theyre waiting. u have to make it rly good. cannot disappoint these lovely ppl#or every time someone says my writing is really good or something im like. WHAT tysm??@!?(? and then in the back of my head its like#okay.. i have to live up to that now#like. why is my brajn doing this to me#lolll#but like definitely do not take this as a sign to not say nice things anymore they are also the only thing keeping me going so pls#it just like. subconsciously adds more pressure i think?? idk how to stop that#and like ik a lot of u guys say it'll be good no matter what but. i just cannot fathom that#very sweet of u nonetheless#um#yeah#idk what i was saying#ily guys i just dont like my brain#🩵🩵#feel like i need to send this shit to a therapist LOL
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#personal#saw 2 of my friends from school tonight#they asked how its goin with you know who and i was like hhhhhh#and they were like. you should just ask him out#n im like. um........... NDJDJDJDJD#bc literally EVERYONE is saying this to me.#why cant HE ask ME????? god its so#but i am older... by just 2 years. maybe thats intimidating???? he doesnt seem intimidated by me tho. god idk#i think im gonna message him tomorrow#its been like 2 weeks idk JDJXXXKXKKX#i did have a bad cold tho.... JDJJDNDD#god... why is this so hard. and like why is he SO?????? difficult????#ok not difficult. i think actually hes quite simple but Andjkfkfkdkdk#idk how to explain this man. i really dont. hes like me if you removed the overthinking and my filter#but idk im also scared to start something im not ready for#but then..... feel like it kind of already started#god idk#and with more time passing im like. OH GOD WHAT IF HE FINDS SOMEONE ELSE#????#but then if thats the case then ok fine it wasnt meant to be#i also am just like.... i feel like. the possibility of anyone liking me back is just... way too foreign#like. idk sometimes im like. what if this is all a joke JDKJDKDKDKDKDM#god idk idk#im also like maybe i should pretend to friendzone him in my mind so that its Less Scary to talk to him#bc like. once i do talk to him its literally fine NDJDJDJKDMD#hhhhhhhh
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