#older woman was like??? i thought hormones stop them??? im not on hormones yet i just naturally have hormonal imbalance thanks to PCOS

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Shout out to the folks at work the other day that enabled/encouraged me to go on a lil infodump about being transgender and who had genuine questions and listened to my answers. Obviously it's not something queer folks should be expected to do but I love being a point of information for people! I love talking about my experiences and my understandings of philosophies that intersect with that and I think alot of cishet people are maybe uncomfortable asking blunt questions? But so long as they're posed in good faith and with willingness to think about the response, I enjoy answering those weirdly specific things. How else to we dispel the willful ignorance that places of power want to foster towards us? I refuse to he a scapegoat and am deeply grateful to the people that are receptive to experiences outside their own

[prettywordsyouleft]

Worth Fighting For // AIRFORCE7

Summary: From the first moment he met you, Jaebum knew you were exactly what he and the air force needed.  

Pairing: Im Jaebum x reader

Genre: pilot au / 1940s era / romance / minor mature content

Warnings: Due to the era it’s set in, this will contain minor war conflict in some of the stories. I will not be making the war-zone my main focus in this series however. 

A/N: Thank you every for being patient for me to get this next part in the series up! As it states above, I’ve not labelled this as M (mature) but it’s a little spicy in one part! I’ve edited this but if there’s any mistakes, I’m sorry! I’ll re-edit in the next couple of days when I have more time.

Word count: 5701  

He saw you walking across the tarmac as soon as he landed and grinned, Jaebum navigating the P51 to its designated spot outside a plane hangar. You waited for the aircraft to stop completely before you approached it, a smile residing on your face when Jaebum jumped down to greet you. “How was the sunrise?”

“I wasn’t out that early,” he admitted, grinning back at you. “But the skies are clear, Captain.”

“Oh good,” you remarked, resting against the lower part of the fuselage and foldings your arms across your chest. “What are your thoughts for today?”

“Well, we’ll have training in the afternoon with the cadets and this morning will probably be working in the plane hangar like usual.”

“What about tonight?” 

Jaebum smiled, moving closer to you. “Why don’t we start that right now, as I said, the skies are clear.”

“I want to see the sunset instead,” you decided airily, pushing through him lightly. He grabbed your arm and pinned you against the wing. You smirked. “Lieutenant, are you going against my orders?”

He sized up your lips and nodded softly. “I’m willing to pay the consequences.” 

You were always worth the risk to him.

“Shouldn’t you be part of the nurses checking us over, sweetheart?” one soldier crooned as Jaebum stood in line for his eye exam, his attention pulled to the neighbouring line where you stood ahead of the men. “Why, I sure would like to get physical with you.”

A chorus of sniggers followed the remark and Jaebum tilted his head as he watched you clench your hands up but didn’t respond, your focus resolute on the front of the booth.

The men behind you were getting further worked up, making vulgar gestures about your body and giggling like a bunch of horny school boys. Jaebum found it hard to stand where he was, the disrespect of their behaviour making his blood boil. But he had promised his mama that upon joining the air force he would stop using his fists for no reason.

This is a pretty good damn reason though, he thought as one of the soldiers edged closer to you, ready to grope your ass. What irked Jaebum further was seeing officials watch on without pulling the cadets up for their behaviour. And so, when the soldier finally decided to reach for you, Jaebum stepped out of his line, ready to throw the first punch.

You moved faster though. Before Jaebum could even raise his hand, you had the fellow soldier in a hold, twisting his arm behind his back until he was crying out loudly.

“Now love, there’s no need to be like this, let the man go,” one of his friends implored and Jaebum scoffed, shaking his head at him.

You glanced at Jaebum’s stance and then threw the man towards his group of lackeys. “I’m not your love; I’m a fellow cadet, just like you.”

“The air force isn’t a place for women!”

“I think there’s plenty good space for such a cadet,” Jaebum spoke up, darting his focus from you to the man who just spoke. “We’re all here for the same reason.”

“Women are meant to be there for us when we get back from fighting, not beside us. She’ll be a distraction to everyone with that body.”

Jaebum let his hand fly at a face this time around and soon there was chaos, soldiers who were merely watching on implicated by being in close proximity. Only then did the officials step in, breaking up the fight effectively.

You had merely stood there watching on, your gaze lowering when the Staff Sergeant looked in your direction. “Who let a woman into the force? It’s always like this when they think women can be equals.”

“She didn’t do a thing wrong,” Jaebum argued, pointing to the cadet who now sported a swollen eye. “He was going to touch her and you were going to let him.”

“Now son, I’ll have none of that,” the official replied hastily when your gaze snapped on his. “There was no need for things to get physical. Let’s all just line up and continue with what needs to be done, shall we? Miss L/N, would you-”

“Cadet L/N,” you corrected firmly and the Sergeant looked at his buddy for support. The other man merely shrugged.

“Cadet L/N, would you prefer to have your medical done after the men?”

“Why should I have to wait?”

He sighed exasperatedly. “Now you know very well why. I think it’s best to let the men go first.”

You chose not to argue, letting your head fall for only a second before you collected yourself up and marched right past the men who had aggravated everything without so much as batting an eyelid.

As soon as you were gone, their bravado returned. “Who let a bitch up in here?”

“Now we gotta deal with hormones when she’s having a bad day.”

Jaebum hissed and the cadets looked over at him, cowering slightly and huddling closer to continue their conversation.

“Don’t worry lads, ladies never last long around here.”

Jaebum smirked at them. “I’ve got a feeling she might outlast half of you.”

“You got a thing for her, lover boy?” one asked and Jaebum merely smiled. “Brought your girl into the force so you could show her what a tough man you are?”

“I think she was the one showing your arm before, wasn’t she?” Jaebum reminded and shrugged. “And I’m not here to show anything. I just hate when someone mouths off and can’t back up their words like you did.”

“Watch out, boy. Troublemakers leave early too, you know.”

Shrugging again, Jaebum turned back to his line, thankful when he could step forward for his eye exam. As he read from the board, he thought over the promise he made his mama just recently.

He’ll have to avoid you if he wanted to keep to it.

Yet, Jaebum found you later that evening sitting alone in the cafeteria, and he bee-lined for your table, placing down his tray before catching your gaze. “Mind if I sit here?”

“Are you trying the protection route? Unlike those boys, your plan is to protect me and make me swoon over your strong arms?” you asked dryly, tilting your head to the side. “I’m not here for anyone’s pleasure.”

“Why would you need protection when you were capable of twisting that cadet’s arm so quickly and making him squeal for mercy?” Jaebum shook his head as he sat down. “I’m not trying anything with you. I just have a bit of a temper, you see. And when I saw that they were going to be further indecent with you, I couldn’t help but step in.”

“Well, I appreciate it, this time. But don’t make it a habit. I don’t need anyone talking about me any further than they are.”

“What about for your skills?” You stared at Jaebum dubiously and he ate some of his food before continuing. “Aren’t you here because you’re a good pilot? I don’t mean to sound like everyone else around here, but they ain’t exactly letting a lot of women join the air force these days. Women who want to help are generally put in the factories, not in the field.”

A wry smile crossed your lips. “I suppose you’re expecting something then?”

“I’m hoping you’re going to wipe the smug smiles off those assholes who belittled you, in the very least.”

“What’s your name, soldier?” you asked, leaning back into your chair.

“Im Jaebum. And you?”

“Y/N,” you answered with a smile before scraping back your chair and standing up, collecting your now empty tray. You continued to smile down at him. “I’ve got a feeling you’re also going to be one to watch out for.”

Jaebum was all smiles on the morning of the first flight training. Orientation around the aircrafts had been explained the week prior, and now it was time to actually show what you all were capable of. Jaebum was excited for the chance to get up in a plane, of course, knowing this squadron was made up of trained pilots already. When his father left him and his mother behind, it was on Jaebum to keep the family business running. He was able to fly the small crop-dusting plane they owned with ease. In fact, it was one of the few things Jaebum was good at. Up in the skies, he felt free from social constraints. He could fly and be who he wanted to be. On the ground, he had been known for his fists doing too much talking after the rumours of his mother got about town. Moving away had been the best thing both of them could do and joining the air force was his new start in life.

Yet he anticipated your performance as well. You looked at ease on the tarmac, though as the Captain continued to explain the expectations of the morning, it was all too apparent that even he was ready to make a mockery of having a woman on his team.

“Well, who wants to go first?” he asked, ignoring the raised hands and smiling sweetly at you. “Ladies first, where are my manners?”

You smiled forcibly and ignored the sniggers from the cadets, stepping towards the aircraft you were all expected to get off the ground before the markers on the runway. You look ahead and then turned to the Captain. “Should I start now?”

“Of course, sweetheart. Do you need a hand up?”

Jaebum watched as you climbed effortlessly into the cockpit, taking the safety gear from the ground assistant before closing the lid to your aircraft. Checks were made to ensure you were safe to take off and all the men moved forward onto the verge of the runway, watching on avidly.

“Bet princess will just blow through those markers down the end.”

“Girls can’t handle big machines like that.”

“Give her a chance,” the Captain called out and Jaebum looked at him, wondering why he had a sudden change of heart. The older man then smirked. “When she realises it’s big and scary, she’ll go back to where she came from.”

Jaebum clenched his hands into fists but focused on you preparing for take off. Once given the signal, you didn’t hesitate, pushing the throttle and making your way down the runway. The laughter stopped as you reached a top speed quickly. And everyone lurched forward when you got the plane up into the air well before the line.

Jaebum clapped and soon others were gasping about how fast that was. When you landed safely again, the Captain was stunned.

“Is it a fluke, sir?” one cadet asked and the older man blinked a few times, holding his hand up to stop you from getting out.

“Do it again,” he instructed and your elated smile was wiped from your face. You nodded once and then repeated the same exercise, this time getting a better takeoff.

“Sir, that is no fluke,” the Lieutenant beside him admired, his mouth still ajar when he stopped talking. “We might have just found our ace.”

Despite all efforts by the other cadets, you were unbeatable up in the clouds. You were also knowledgeable about planes and you were excellent in ground combat training. Had you been a man, you would have been the most liked cadet on the air base.

Being a woman didn’t have the same effect and your vast skills didn’t make you appreciated by others any better.

“Again?” Jaebum asked as he found you cleaning the office in the afternoon, and you glanced away from your scrubbing of the windows before groaning loudly and throwing down the cloth.

“If I wanted to clean, I’d work in a Laundromat!”

“Why were you sentenced to it this time?” he wondered, placing down the files Sergeant Kim asked him to bring here.

You smiled to yourself as you picked up the cloth again. “I corrected Cap.”

“Oh, and you know how much he loves it when you show your superiority,” Jaebum teased and you shot him a grin. After leaning against the desk to watch you, he held out his hand. “Want some help?”

“Why are you always looking out for me?”

“You wanted me to be protective, right?” he mused, thinking back all those months ago when you had first scolded him for getting involved. Now, it was a rare day for Jaebum to go without being paired up with you for something. After all, if you were the ace of the team, he was the one keeping you on your game, just barely behind your tail in all areas of training too. “Isn’t it true most people say something and mean the opposite? So I’m certain you really wanted my company.”

You chuckled. “If it’s what helps you sleep at night, Jae, think as you please.”

“Oh, you even wonder about how I sleep!” he continued, revelling in the light blush that crossed your cheeks. Jaebum felt his heart thump harder with the reaction, knowing there was an underlying tension building between you both. Although you were rivals in the skies, down on the ground, he hoped you could amount to something more most days.

“If you’re helping, don’t just stand there.”

“Yes ma’am,” he saluted you before grabbing a cloth and joining your side. He smirked. “Oh, I finally realised something I’m better at than you.”

“Cleaning?” you asked incredulously, and he couldn’t help but grin at how your arm started to move more vigorously. Anything was worth a challenge to you.

He shook his head, pushing his arm up higher than yours. “I’m taller. You can’t beat me in that, no matter how much you try.”

“Is that so?”

“Well, you can’t grow taller all of a sudden,” he reminded and you nodded softly, soon scrambling up onto the windowsill to clean higher than he was. Jaebum laughed heartily, shaking his head at you. “That’s cheating.”

“I’m still higher than you are right now.”

“That’s a fair point, but you’re also on a ledge that isn’t made to hold a person.”

“I’m not heavy!” you exclaimed and Jaebum chuckled.

“I wasn’t meaning that, it’s just-”

Before he could point out how precarious your placement on the ledge was, you shifted, your foot slipping on the water residue and you toppled. Jaebum lurched forward to catch you, whining when your knee smacked him in the side as you fell on top of him and you both fell to the ground. Stunned, you stared at each other for a moment before you went to scramble away. Jaebum held you there, breathing a little heavily.

“Your heart is beating just as fast as mine, Y/N.”

“I got a fright,” you mumbled, your hands pushing on his chest. He knew you could break out if you truly wanted to but you weren’t using your force as normal. Soon, you stopped pushing altogether, your gaze getting lost in his.

“Are you still frightened?” he asked softly and you sighed, nodding slowly. And then something snapped in you, finally escaping out of his grip and righting yourself immediately.

“You know there’s no way anything can happen between us.”

“Right,” he replied simply and you focused intently on washing the window again. Jaebum smiled. “But knowing that you wanted it to for even a minute just now is enough for me.”

“Are you going to keep helping me?” you questioned curtly and Jaebum bowed lightly.

“I’ll leave you to it for today,” he stated, leaving the room and leaning against the wall soon after, a giddy smile crossing his lips.

His training was complete. If the war came to these shores, Jaebum was certain he would be one of the first pilots called upon from the base. Along with you up in the skies, you had proven to be a formidable pair. The Captain might not agree, but after the assessments were done, you had earned your ability to become a Second Lieutenant already. Although Jaebum wanted to go up in rankings himself, he was proud to see you being recognised by other officials in the air force. It was time for change to occur in how women were perceived in society and you were definitely a good example of that.

What he wasn’t certain about was your personal relationship. After the office mishap, further incidents in close proximities had occurred and you had almost kissed him last night because of it. It was driving Jaebum mad, knowing that you were attracted to him, yet holding back because of some honour code you had conjured up.

“We can’t,” you had told him sadly, stepping back as you let go of his shirt you had anchored your hands upon. You shook your head to reinforce your opinion. “If we get caught-”

“No one will be surprised, Y/N.” You looked at Jaebum then, eyes wide. He tried to smile soothingly at you. “Everyone always has teased us of-”

“And it becoming true will only be more ammunition for them!”

“It’s not like you care what they say!” he refuted and you dropped your head. Jaebum heaved a breath before stepping towards you. “I mean-”

“I do care,” you said quietly, sounding so unlike yourself. When you lifted your head back up, your eyes were brimming with tears. “Every remark about me being a woman pilot hurts. You see it as motivation to be better. Do you know how many times I was turned away from being here? Unlike the men who just need to be of age and healthy enough, I had extra credentials needed to join. I jumped through hoops to be here. And I knew it would be hard, but gosh Jaebum, why do I always have to be better?! I’m a Lieutenant now yet I still hear the vulgar comments, and I know what is said about me when I’m out of ears reach. It matters to me. Everything they think and say, I do care about, far too much!”

He didn’t answer right away; ashamed his words had led to such an outburst. And yet, it wasn’t enough to satisfy him. He nodded once. “It’s a pity though that no matter how much I’ve been on your side, that you don’t care enough about the one who does think you belong here. I always have.”

Jaebum walked away then, not listening to your calls after him.

He avoided you for most of the next morning, only being around you when he had to be. It was petty, even he knew that much. But his pride was hurt and he figured if you didn’t want to progress with the feelings you had both skirted around on multiple occasions that he needed to find a way to let them go. He knew he admired you for the fellow comrade that you were and that would never change.

Jaebum just didn’t know how else to deal with his deeper feelings other than to avoid them.

And that’s why it surprised him when you approached him next.

“What are you– oh my God!” he exclaimed, blushing deeply as he quickly tightened the towel around his waist, darting his focus rapidly around the otherwise empty shower room. You showered in here alone when the men were done at a different time of the day and he knew that you didn’t have a special pass to be in here like he did. After being in the unfortunate place when a whole bunch of grease landed on him, Jaebum had been given the opportunity to shower when nobody would be in here. It was the most relaxing shower he had taken since joining the force.

Until now.

“Y/N, you can’t be in here, oh God, I’m not even dressed, look away!”

You smiled, admittedly a little overwhelmed by the sight before you, yet you had a desire in your gaze that he knew all too well. You were determined. “I never took you for being embarrassed about me seeing you without a shirt on. After all, it’s not my first time seeing you without one. All you men forget to put them on when working away in the heat of the sun.”

“Yeah, well…” He didn’t want to admit that he felt vulnerable right now. Or the fact that your steady gaze was making him react under the towel he was holding tightly around his lower half.

“I need to correct you on something,” you told him and continued your approach closer.

Jaebum backed into the stall he was just leaving and let out a whine an octave higher than usual. “N-now?!”

You nodded. “Mm, now.”

“What is it then?” he asked hastily, looking over your shoulder and imagining Bernard the cook who normally had showers at the same time as air force personnel and all his body hair. Jaebum thought of anything that could help him lower his heart rate and the growth under the towel.

“You were wrong about me, you know.”

You were dragging it out, now standing right in front of him, practically gleaming at his discomfort. Your hand tentatively reached out for his bare chest and he turned rigid, battling with all his self-control not to take you right now up against the tiled wall. It was growing far too hot in the room and he was failing to think clearly.

“I do care about you, more than I’ve let on,” you finally told him and Jaebum managed to look at you, blinking slowly.

“You know, you’re treading on thin ice, Y/N. I could take you right-”

“Then what are you waiting for?” you intervened, crashing your lips onto his. The change in mood was instantaneous and Jaebum’s hesitancy evaporated as his tongue grazed upon your teeth, begging for access. You gasped into the embrace and soon your tongues were entangled, much like your bodies were in the cubicle.

His hands moved to your layers, hastily undoing the buttons to your shirt and cursing when he fumbled on a couple. You worked on sucking on his neck, your own hands on your slacks and unfastening them quickly. You both threw your clothes away from the cubicle to keep them away from the wet tiles before your hands roamed over his torso, yanking on the towel still around his waist.

“Time to get rid of this like you did my clothes,” you murmured as you removed the towel, Jaebum wasting no time pressing you up against the walls and hiking you up in his arms, your passion eliciting moans and gasps to echo around the shower room as you both transported into another realm of pleasure.

When your climax stopped ringing around the walls, Jaebum held you tenderly, turning on the shower above you both. It was a different kind of intimacy now, the rush was gone and you both moved slower, imprinting each other with your hands and lips. Eventually, you dressed one another before each taking careful consideration in how you exited the bathroom. You met up on the court outside the bunkers and Jaebum reached out to discreetly take your hand, kissing the back of it gently.

“Jaebum!” you hissed and he smiled, shaking his head.

“You can’t take back what we just did.”

“But in public, we need to be more careful!”

Jaebum looked around you both before shrugging. “Do you see anyone? Because all I see is you right now.”

“Who knew you would be this affectionate after what you just did to me?” you murmured, nestling into his side anyway. “We still need to be careful about this. My career as a pilot comes first.”

“One day I will change that.”

Despite the intimacy in the bathrooms, you were still decidedly prickly towards Jaebum. He had hoped that you would meet him for secret rendezvous in between tasks on the base, or spend your free time at night with him. Instead, you had distance yourself again, confusing him over your confession. Had the intimacy been bad? He, for one, had enjoyed it and with how vocal you had been, he couldn’t imagine you viewing his efforts as being inadequate. The only thing he could think of was that you were scared. And this conclusion seemed to diminish all that was said and felt within that afternoon in the bathroom.

It, in turn, made Jaebum irritable to be around.

“Son, can you come into the office?” Jaebum nodded and followed the Lieutenant Colonel, wondering if his behaviour on the base lately needed to be reprimanded. Yet, you were also inside the office and for a moment, Jaebum panicked, wondering who gave the officials a heads up about the activities you and him got up to in the bathroom together.

The Lieutenant Colonel sat down and steepled his fingers together. “I have been made aware that you are both the best pilots on the first squadron here at the base, is that correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I have orders for you both. Now, what I am about to tell you of is classified information,” he explained and instead of being concerned, Jaebum felt his heart thump harder with anticipation. He had been hopeful that his training would come in handy one day soon. “The war our allies are faced with is intensifying. They cannot get enough intelligence because they’re too busy sending their finest pilots into the face of battle. Although neighbouring countries are submitting what they can, they need someone to go into enemy territory and gather information. They have asked for us to send our best.”

The Lieutenant Colonel got out of his seat and began to pace the floor of his office. “Now, I have been in two minds of whether to send my best pilots into such a dangerous place. The war isn’t anywhere near our shores, and we have only pledged assistance so far. Sending my finest in may only bring us into the war faster.”

“Sir, with all due respect, getting eyes in there can be an advantage to us as well,” Jaebum mentioned and the older man nodded.

“That’s why I’ve decided to send you both. Another base is also prepared to send some men. You will be deployed at zero seven hundred hours. Do not try to be heroes for a war that isn’t ours to fight yet, you hear me? You come back home together.”

“Yes sir,” you replied, both saluting the man before leaving the office.

A smile played on your lips and Jaebum wondered why. You looked at him and grinned. “He didn’t see me as a woman, but as a pilot.”

Your elation was short-lived. Despite flying the new prototype Mustang P51s, what was happening back home was child’s play. Navigating through the war was arduous and out of the eleven you had started out with, only nine remained into the third day. Jaebum was grim and exhausted. It was harder to source out these hidden bases than he had anticipated and the reality of the war was cold and troubling. And he and the others weren’t even in the thick of it.

After the fourth day in the area, the team had finally gathered enough evidence to return home with when you were caught under fire by enemy fighters. The squadron managed to fight off several planes until there were only two enemies left and one was right after you.

“Y/N, on your right!” Jaebum radioed through but there was no response except for static and you didn’t seem as aware as you should have been, focusing solely on taking down the other plane instead. And just as you succeeded, you became a target. Jaebum sped towards you making a signal you had both often used when up in the skies playing chicken. You saw it right at the last moment and dived left, leaving Jaebum to take on the plane who had been on your tail. He managed to take it out, but not without being hit first.

“I’m hit! I’m hit!” he radioed through, feeling the searing pain in his right arm from where the damage had been made. Trying to focus on flying instead of the pain and loss of blood he knew to be happening around him, Jaebum managed to land his plane at the nearby allied base they were using, a hazy image of you being the last thing he saw until everything turned black.

When he came to, he found you beside him, this time without seeing three versions of you. He smiled lazily as you leapt up from the chair you had been sitting in, calling for a nurse immediately.

Jaebum whined hoarsely. “Why do you gotta do that? I was happy just looking at you.”

“Don’t give me a fright like that again!” you snapped, before darting out of the cubicle to find someone. Once the nurse had assured you that Jaebum was going to make a full recovery, you slumped down into the chair again and held onto his hand.

“Oh, what’s this?” he asked, lifting your linked hands up to gesture to it. “Is it because we’re not back at home that you’re showing me affection, Y/N?”

“I thought you were going to die.”

“So you want to hold on so I don’t? Fine by me.”

You groaned. “Falling in love with you was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

His teasing smile faded and he watched as you huffed in annoyance. When you realised he wasn’t going to say anything back, you glanced at him, smiling weakly. Jaebum lifted your hand so he could brush his lips along the back of it. “You can’t take it back this time around.”

The day had gone just as Jaebum had predicted. The morning had been filled with working in the hangar on one of the planes on maintenance repairs, and after lunch, Jaebum joined you in the field in front of the new recruits. Unlike at your old base where there were sniggers and lewd remarks at you being a female officer, not a peep came from any of the young men before you both. Jaebum smirked, wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that after your return from the war you had both been promoted.

“Captain, will we be flying today?” one of the cadets spoke up and you looked at Jaebum before smiling.

“Are you eager to get up in the skies?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“What will you do if you can’t get your plane up fast enough for me today?” you continued and several murmurs sounded through the recruits.

“If we can, will you answer one of our questions?” another asked and you nodded once. “Really? It doesn’t matter what it is?”

“I will answer anything as soon as you prove to me that you can get that big fat lady up in the skies before those markers,” you confirmed and the young men went to work immediately.

Moving to your side, Jaebum smiled. “What do you think they’re going to ask?”

“What did the last group ask me?” you questioned him back and Jaebum laughed loudly. You smirked and poked him in the side. “You need to watch out Lieutenant, there are some nice looking ones this time around.”

He gaped after you as you walked towards the teams, inspecting their preparations well. The incentive had worked and now the cadets were lined up, anticipating their earned question time.

Before you could initiate anything, Jaebum stepped forward. “Raise your hand if any of you planned on asking Captain L/N here if she was single.”

A few raised their hands sheepishly and you hid a smile behind your hand as Jaebum took a deep steadying breath. He then smiled forcibly. “Congratulations, you’re now on my training team exclusively.”

“Why, have you also got a thing for the Captain, Lieutenant Im?!” one cried out sullenly and Jaebum folded his arms over his chest before glancing in your direction. You shrugged.

“Professionally speaking, the Captain and I come as a team,” he announced and then moved over to sling an arm over your shoulders. He felt your sharp intake as he grinned. “And personally, we continue that very well.”

“You’re all dismissed for today!” you mentioned hastily, turning on your heel as the embarrassment continued to flood your features. Jaebum jogged to reach your side, your eyes glaring at him as soon as you snapped your head in his direction. “Now, we’ll be the talk of the base!”

“As if we haven’t been since Youngjae outed us to the other members of our squadron.”

“That’s within Airforce Seven only,” you confirmed, flailing an arm about. “Not for the men we are training!”

“What, you said there were some pretty guys this time around. I had to do something to ensure none of them would approach you when my back’s turned.”

“Remind me why I love you?” you grumbled as you stepped back into your office and Jaebum closed the door before pressing you against it. Leaning down, he hovered his mouth just above yours.

“Because I almost died for you.”

“Are you always going to hold that over my head?!” you wondered, slipping your hands up so you could drape them around his neck. “I never asked you to save me.”

“You’re glad I did,” he replied and you kissed him softly before pulling back to give him a small nod. Jaebum pressed on. “Are we still on for that sunset? I found a new spot this morning that I want to show you.”

“Last time I listened to you, I found myself held up by an old farmer with a shotgun for landing in his field. I didn’t even have enough time to get my clothes on!”

Jaebum kissed you softly and smiled. “I found a cabin this time and I rented it. Completely safe, without a farmer in sight.”

“You know, Im Jaebum, you’ve been trouble since the day I first met you.”

He laughed, letting you go and shooting you a wink before opening the door to leave. “You best keep me in line then.”

_________________

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

[GOT7 Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

[hiraethtae]

I purple you not- PT 5: I am Fine

Previous Parts: Prologue, Pt1, Pt 2 (½), Pt 2 (2\2), Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5

ao3

Synopsys:

Kim Taehyung runs an army twitter and is much active in the fandom. He’s known by all the fandom by his internet alias Teaberry and yet none of ARMY know his gender, name or have ever seen his face and is a mystery persona who is known mostly for spreading positivity. What happens when He decides to take drastic measures by buying 300 BTS world tour tickets and giving them away to ARMY, as a move against the resllers?

by doing so, Taehyung aquires the attention of the the world and the boys he stans, while changing the meaning of ARMY altogether.

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

notes: IT TOOK ME 10 MONTHS TILL I COULD CONTINUE THIS STORY IM SORRY OMGOD WTF(cough) anyways!! Pt 5 is out!!

|_PT 5: I am Fine.

It's been several days since everything blew out of proportion and Taehyung was one hundred per cent done. Actually, he wasn't. He was more likely trying to convince himself to walk away before it got more out of hand then it is. Teaberry's account was flooded with messages and so were Taehyung's notifications. In the first time of his life, Taehyung put his phone on silent and started thinking maybe he bit off more than he could chew. He sat on the sofa in his black and white apartment and pressed his hands to each other. Breathing in deeply and then breathing out through his teeth, he raised his head and decided that he honestly could care less.

Or so he said. It’s not that Taehyung didn't care. It's just that he was feeling so much at once that he was overwhelmed and couldn't understand what he was feeling; only that he was on the verge of a panic attack.  Taehyung's work phone decided to distract him at the right moment. A blinking notification lit up the dark screen; 2 NEW MAIL.

Taehyung picked up the device with cold fingers and slid it open.  He had two letters he had not seen yet. One was from the Mama organizers who invited him each year to the yearly Mama awards, and the other from Holly. Taehyung decided that he could reply to the first mail later on. He never attended the Mama awards and Taehyung wasn’t planning on changing that habit. Holly's mail only had 2 words.

H a v e  f u n.

And beneath it a single document of several fansign tickets and one ticket to a BTS concert.

Taehyung threw his phone against the wall and couldn't breathe.

|_8th of June

On the day of the fansign Taehyung considered running away to live in New Zealand and changing his name, living out his days in a hobbit home, farming out the rest of his life… he had it all figure out. Instead, he reacted as any normal human being who was in a stressful situation would react: Taehyung locked himself in his room and moped while trying to control his harsh breathing. His coping mechanism wasn't doing so well for him. Staring at the wall blankly for hours could make a man go mad. Unfortunately for Taehyung, he also had a habit of overthinking and that usually made it worse.

This morning Holly dragged him out of his covers and forced him to shave and wash up. She helped him dye his hair too. Her eyes were rimmed with dark circles matching his yet the reasons for their exhaustion varied. She had been coming by each day, forcing him to get out and breathe some fresh air; to jog with her in the darker hours of the night when no one was around.

"You need to be alone right now but you also need to take care of yourself. So no people or crowd, er, except the fansign of course but a crowd of girls shouldn’t be a problem. But you have to get out of here." She worked at night when he slept, golden eyes rimmed with red.

It wasn't always this way. Taehyung was naturally cheerful. He found joy in the simplest things and the most ridiculous ideas. He used to love crowds, being in the centre of attention making everyone laugh and smile with him. He knew those parts of himself weren’t erased (considering his whole plan for fighting off the resellers) yet a part of him has withered away. It happened over the years. Taehyung lost his passion and instead, a faded polio photograph of him was left. The reason he was standing here was because of BTS. Vante and Teaberry exist because of BTS. It's time Taehyung brought them back he just wondered if he could do that.  

"I don't understand why you never went to see them," Holly said while rummaging around in his closet.

"See who?"

"BTS? The group who basically because of them I'm your best friend?" She didn't turn around to see him shrug.

"I was busy."

Holly snorted and gave him an amused look. Her eyes were sharp and her teeth were bared in a smile Taehyung found chilling. She threw a bundle at clothes into his lap. "Liar."

Taehyung clutched a fist into the fabric and moved his gaze away from her. Her eyes, on the other hand, bore holes into his side profile.

"I think you were scared of what would happen when you see them for real."

Taehyung started tapping his foot on the carpeted floor. Holly closed the closet door with a loud click. Taehyung swallowed and looked up. Her hair was a shade of dark brown then. "I think you were scared you would realize it was all for nothing."

Years have passed since that conversation. Four years to be exact and the flame truly did die out. It was odd how their interactions involving his inner psyche almost always involved Holly rummaging in his closet. Today, she found this whole situation as a learning experience. She was crouched in his shoe closet like a red-headed gremlin, picking up and examining different pairs of expensive soles Taehyung has gathered over the years. Holly turned around and looked at his outfit, frowned, then proceeded to rummage again with a loud clatter, “I think it's time for you to go and make sure that flame burns bright again."

Taehyung shuffled in place, bare feet pushing into the soft carpet on his floor. His toes peaked beneath his slightly oversized pants and wiggled. "Why did it die out in the first place?"

"Honestly Tae, who’s the one who studied psychology in their free time? You know the answer to this better than I.” She huffed and threw a pair next to his peaking toes. Holly leaned her chin into her palm with raised brows. Taehyung stubbornly kept his mouth shut and stared in absolute fake fascination at the fake plant on his desk. Holly let the silence drag on for another minute before sighing and got to her feet. Taehyung closed the apartment door after her as his phone began to ring. Holly’s name appeared on his screen next to a purple heart and he didn’t offer a greeting as she continued where she left off, uttering his dreaded thoughts.”-I think in your attempt to preserve your passion from a distance-" Holly's voice echoed from his phone on loudspeaker while Taehyung started to make coffee very loudly as well as the sound of cars and wind as she walked on the street to get to her day job didn’t affect her volume. "-pushed you away from the original feeling that made you go 'This is what I want to do. This is what I want to share with the world.' And as a result, your subconscious burned the flame out by itself."

"I always knew I was self-destructive," Taehyung said wryly and gagged on the bitter taste of his drink. He decided to make tea instead.

Holly laughed in a hollow way while a bus horn echoed in the empty apartment. Her voice crackling through the phone she said, "Aren't we all?"

Taehyung picked up his phone that had seen better days and wandered into the bathroom. His eyes weren't rimmed with red like before and his eye bags had mostly disappeared. His hair was dyed a dark black which grew out into a tiny mullet behind his ears. His cheeks looked fuller and healthier. He stopped biting his lips last weeks and they weren't bleeding any more. Taehyung looked healthier then he was for a while and it made him feel that on the inside he could be better too.

"See you later."

Holly hummed a reply while a woman screamed “Taxi!” in the background before the screen went dark. Taehyung looked at his reflection once more and tried to smile. It made him happy to see it was more genuine this time. He was dreading going to the fansign but also alighted. It made him feel what he lost all those years ago. It made him feel young, alive and burning.

When Taehyung arrived at the fansign he thought he must have gotten the wrong address. Yet, the gaggle of girls holding different Army bombs, wearing shirts with the names of the idols etched on them in different colours and the excited screams of hormonal teenagers seemed to prove him wrong.

Taehyung tucked his chin in his blue scarf and tried to breathe normally. He used to not mind crowds and revelled in them. Now he couldn’t help but shrink into himself. If his followers on Twitter could see the outgoing Teaberry now… The mere thought made him snort bitterly.

An incredibly short girl came running by, screeching like a bird and stepping on Taehyung’s shoes. He looked down at his soles and then at the girl who ran off still screeching and wearing a very unflattering Min Yoongi meme shirt. Taehyung blinked after her, a pout already forming under his face mask. It not often he got trampled by girls but his shoes were new and WHITE. A voice interrupted his moment of sulking. “Need a wet wipe?”

Taehyung blinked and turned away from the girl who was now flailed her arms around, smacking peoples things from their arms as she told something to a gaggle of her friends with an excited expression. A boy yelled at her when she made him drop his phone and the girl apologized with wide eyes.

In front of Taehyung stood an amused looking woman who appeared to be a year or so older then Taehyung. She had smile lines and a grin to match, hair raised in a casual bun. Hanging from her neck was a professional camera.

Taehyung looked down at his shoes again and smiled sheepishly, his mask hiding his expression. “I think I might. Thank you.”

The woman snickered and handed him a disposable wet wipe with Burger King logo. “First time at a fansign? You have to be careful of the small ones, they are just balls of energy.” Taehyung opened the plastic and breathed in deeply the lemony scent wafting from the wipe, it’s refreshing smell immediately calming his nerves from the stuffy area. Crowds made him anxious these days. Taehyung couldn’t remember how it felt not to be in a constant state of social anxiety. He crouched down to clean off the smudge and grunted when it refused to wipe off the white sneaker. A hand suddenly appeared in front of him. Taehyung looked up at the woman and her camera dangled dangerously close to his face when she leaned down, brown eyes glinting.

“My name is Soomin.”

“Taehyung.” He replied and took her hand, smudge forgotten.

Soomin introduced him to a few more girls, all carrying oversized cameras in their hands or around their necks. They were close to his age and were hobbyist fansites. They were inside of the hall at the beginning of the line and in the first row, Taehyung in the middle between 3 bickering woman.

“I can’t go to each concert or meeting they have, I have a life too.” Bok Jo snorted, her short black hair held back with a bright orange headband. “Their schedule has gotten so busy I don’t know how those full-time fansite masters do it.”

“Soomin, on the other hand, is a free-lance photographer for a living. She has more free time then all of us combined.” Mina said, inspecting her camera lens with her tongue between her teeth and furrowed brows.

Taehyung turned to the latter with raised brows. “Freelance? And you take idol pictures in between?”

Soomin grinned, unabashed. She was sitting in a laid back manner, her arms casually thrown over Mina’s chair. “Same idols pay me to take their pictures too. I work for Dispatch part-time.”

Bok Jo produced an offended noise. “How can you? They basically eat up scandals and whatever other bullshit.”

Mina piped up with raised brows, “BUT, their pictures are good.”

“Yeah, whatever still frigging snakes.”

Soomin shrugged. “I don’t do that kind of stuff.”

Bok Jo’s eyes narrowed behind her glasses. “You better. Or you won’t be any better than those saseaengs. All that invading privacy shit is crazy.” She turned toward Taehyung. “What about you new kid? You have a fansite?”

Taehyung blinked, surprised at being addressed. “Uh no, it’s my first time seeing them.” He spent the majority of the conversation listening or zoning out and the others have seldom addressed him. When they just walked in Taehyung tried to slip into the back but the three women noticed and dragged him next to them, laughing about “getting the best shots” and “come on boy you will be right in front of the stage.”

Bok Jo and Mina gaped at him with raised brows, “Really? With that kind of camera?” Bok Jo asked in surprise. “That baby isn’t cheap! Not a lot of pros use it either.”

“Yeah the only one I could think of that uses that camera all the time is Vante but he’s been on hiatus for almost over a year.” Mina mused and probed at Taehyung’s camera. Taehyung smiled sheepishly and pulled the device closer to his lap. He took it on a whim when he went out, thinking of taking a few pictures to commemorate his first fansign and maybe getting a few pictures of BTS’s members on the way.

The last time he used this camera was almost a year ago when he went to visit his grandma on her birthday. Vante’s last photo was of her strawberry fields and Taehyung hadn’t touched it since. Taking out of its box that was stuffed beneath his bed for over 6 months was progress. This was progress.

Taehyung shrugged and let his lips curve upwards slightly beneath his face mask. “I’ve had it for a while.”

The three women exchanged amused glances just as the venue turned dark. Girls scream assaulted Taehyung ears as his eyes shot forward to stare at the stage to witness the 6 members of BTS walk on stage with smiles and waving hands, mics in their hands. Taehyung gulped nervously as Flashes echoed around him. Soomin, Bok Jo and Mina already set off in taking pictures and Taehyung couldn’t help but gape in amazement. Big eyes wide and a wide boxy grin spread across his face as he raises his own camera and took his first picture of 6 smiling men that he has loved and looked up since their debut all those years ago.

The fans begin their fanchant and the boys laugh with bright smiles. Kim Namjoon hair is dark brown and slicked back softly as he greets the crowd, a big smile showing off his dimples. Taehyung can faintly hear faint buzzing in his ears as the crown and noise blend all together. He stares and stares and raises his camera once more, taking picture after picture. Jimin and Hoseok laugh at Seokjin’s joke and wander off to sit down at the table for all 6 members. Yoongi and Jimin shuffle after them with Jungkook in toe, poking the cotton haired elder with a cheeky smile. Picture after picture of grinning boys and bright eyes.

Soomin suddenly leans into Taehyung’s field of vision with glinting eyes. “You are natural.”

With a start he realized that most of the fansite masters have put their cameras down, waiting for the boys to be seated once more and for the event to begin. Taehyung capped his lens with an awkward laugh. “It’s been a while since I’ve taken so many photos.”

“Those are some high-quality ones too.” Bok Joe whistled and slapped him on the back. “Welcome to the family, kid!”

Mina smiled at him over her head with an approving nod and Taehyung felt a feeling he hadn’t felt for a long time bloom in his chest. At this moment he truly felt grateful for Holly sending him those tickets.

Jeon Jungkook was smiling at the fangirl sitting across from him. Her bright pink dyed hair is similar to Jimin’s hair currently suited her well as she gushed to him about her day. The fan signing began without any problems and Jungkook breezed through one signed album and another short conversation quickly enough. Female faces blurred together in a flurry of colours. A break appeared and he waved, smiled and posed for the fansites in the front row while Jimin poked and pulled at Jungkook’s hair, entertaining the crowd.

It was BTS’s first fansign promoting their new album “WINGS”, before their scheduled world tour. To say Jungkook wasn’t excited was an understatement. A week has passed since his mental breakdown in the dorm and to combat against it Jungkook threw himself into practice. His bandmates dragged him away from the dance studio to play games, watch movies, and even play board games once they noticed. All the attention eventually made him antsy so he declined Jimin’s offer to play a video game with him yesterday, instead choosing to bundle up in his bed and watch youtube videos. Namjoon took him aside this morning with a soft gaze. “Gguk, no overworking till you drop okay?”

Jungkook nodded and while all the members played and joked with the makeup artists running around, he drew in his sketchbook instead. Yoongi probed him with his leg when he was applying the finishing touch, “That looks great Jungkook-ah.”

The rappers hair was dark with blue streaks and his gaze was sleepy. Jungkook grinned at the other, “Thanks, hyung.”

He could handle being around the members but sometimes he needed his space. His social battery needed recharging, especially before a fansign.

Jungkook waved goodbye to the pink haired girl, briefly looking down to fix his shirt as the next person sat down in front of him.

“Hello.” A surprisingly deep voice said. Jungkook looked up in surprise. It wasn’t often they saw male fans, especially at a fansign. The boy seemed to be the same height as Jungkook, dark hair hidden in a hat and a face mask covering his lower half. The fan’s eyes, on the other hand, Jungkook could see clearly: One monolid and the other no, dark and big. He found them fascinating.

“Hello,” Jungkook said just as softly, a smile blooming across his face. The male stared at him and then shook his head with eyes crinkling at the sides. The boy was smiling and Jungkook was endeared. “Hi.”

Jungkook laughed at the second greeting, “What’s your name?”

“Taehyung.” The male replied, his voice breathy and low. Jungkook found it oddly appealing his voice. He had never heard such a timbre before.

“Hello Taehyung, I’m Jungkook.”

“I know.”

Jungkook’s lips twitched in a cheeky smile and he pulled the album Taehyung was holding in his hands closer to his side of the table, flipping through the pages and pen in hand. He noted that Taehyung had really nice hands and long fingers.

“First time at a fansign?” Jungkook continued, peaking to see Taehyung staring at the album. The male jerked upwards, eyes wide and nodded quickly.

“First time everything. I’ve never gone to any event or concert actually.” Taehyung murmured, voice soft but reaching Jungkook’s ears perfectly clear in the crowded hall. Taehyung smiled beneath the face mask again, eyes crinkling. “I’ve been BTS’s fan since debut.”

Jungkook grinned in response and leaned forward, chin in hand. “What’s your favourite song?”

Taehyung laughed. No, he giggled and Jungkook was captivated. “I can’t choose.”

“What do you listen most to then?”

Taehyung seemed to think for a moment while looking upwards at the ceiling with a hum. His gaze met Jungkook’s amused one. “Whalien 52 and Jump.”

“Damn those are old.”

Taehyung laughed once more, now a deep and genuine big guffaw. “No, they aren’t.”

Jungkook began to write in the album, taking his time and scribbling a drawing. His eyes glinted as he leaned even farther forward. “Bias?”

Taehyung leaned forward too. His eyes were a shade of deep caramel. “Shouldn’t I be asking the questions, Jungkook-ah?”

Jungkook felt a jolt of surprise at the drop of honorifics but accepted it. He didn’t know how old the other was but he seemed close to his age. He grinned in response. “You seemed kind of nervous.”

“Anyone one would be.” Taehyung mumbled, gaze dropping to stare at his lap. “I’ve been hearing your music for ages and I’ve followed you since debut…You guys mean a lot to me.” He looked up at the last statement, eyes honest and big and full of an emotion Jungkook didn’t know to describe. He often heard from fans how much BTS’s music meant to them. The idolt couldn’t help but appreciate their fans more each time he heard it. Seeing Taehyung’s eyes reflecting a look he saw each day in the mirror made him understand that their music was more than just songs to the fan.

Jungkook noticed one of the staff members out of the corner of his eyes motioning the line to move forward but he ignored them and kept his gaze on the other. Jungkook added another sentence to Taehyung’s album. “Taehyung-“

“Hyung.” The other interrupted with a cheeky raise of his brow. They were dark and bushy, fitting the males face nicely. His veiny hands were hidden under the table and Jungkook leaned forward again, motioning for the other to lean in as well before whispering in Taehyung’s ear.

“Tae-Hyung, can I see your face?”

Taehyung looked at Jungkook with surprised eyes. Their faces were close and Jungkook could hear Taehyung’s breath through the face mask. Maybe calling the other by a nickname was too much but Jungkook didn’t regret blurting it out. It sounded natural on his tongue, the others name. Suddenly one hand appeared and tugged down the black material, revealing a rectangular and slightly bashful smile.

Jungkook eyes widened and he breathed out a tiny, “Wow.”

Taehyung’s cheeks grew tinted and he laughed, standing up to move on. The male’s beauty caught the idol off guard and he couldn’t help his surprised reaction. Jungkook often met fans who were ashamed of their own appearance and hid their faces away from the members at fansigns. He always tried to make those fans as comfortable as he could and to not to be frightened to show their appearance to him. Often their shyness was for nothing: their fans were perfect as they were. But he had never seen a fan with the face of a model, or even an idol himself.

Jungkook grabbed the others hand and pushed the album into the male's grip. “Thank you, Tae-Hyung. I hope I see you again.” He squeezed the others hand, lacing their fingers. The male made him surprisingly comfortable and he spoke to him in ease. “Maybe next time without the face mask.”

Taehyung grinned with bright eyes and squeezed back before letting go and waving. Jungkook’s hand suddenly felt weird without Taehyung’s hand in his grip.

“No Jungkookie, Thank you.”

Jimin leaned into Jungkook’s side once Taehyung left with a curious gaze, “You’ve been talking to him more than 5 minutes. Everything ok?”

Jungkook could only stare at the retreating male figure and think that the “Thank you” Taehyung meant was more than just for the signing. He looked back at his older bandmate and grinned. “Never better.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Rio & Indie

Rio: How did you even? Rio: Soz Bills but this is next level sorcery! Indie: nah man it werent no militant thing Indie: when your ride that crutterz whatever i did was gonna make it less clappin' innit Indie: plus your boy mad distracting 👌 i been knew Rio: Too real 😂 could hear me coming, like Rio: giving the boy racers a run for their money and I ain't even tryna hang, lads 😬😷 Rio: Idk how yous even managed it seriously but 👏 Indie: could here you cumming too bitch i knew i had time 😏😂 Indie: forreal tho you better not drag without me 👑 of the strip like so gimme them 2s Indie: thank me with that good 🎂 fore the sibs take every slice Rio: Ew shut up 😂 Rio: 'Course, babe Rio: Not racing for pinks now you got my motor so 🔥 tho Rio: Can have Ro's Rio: baby might want some of that taste sensation like but 🤷 Indie: tell yourself and your mans 👌🤐 Indie: yeah your whip is beast now if i do say myself after clocking in dem hours Indie: gotta hit drew with his share of that sugar cos he did help me source Indie: but unlucky younger you ain't getting yours 😂 Rio: PLEASE Rio: I know you ain't been hearing when I been trying so hard Rio: full time occupation keeping it 🤐 legit Rio: I love it Rio: That's good, nothing like bonding under the hood of a car right? Indie: is it? then how am i clued that mckenna aint the strong silent type that he is in the streets 😏 boy got some volume Indie: gurl we need more paper if you want that privacy cos thats how the walls be in this drum Indie: yeah? i love you bitch 💖 Indie: naaaah you kno he aint getting himself dirty like that with no oil or grease Indie: 💰 only Indie: & he took me buying off them travellers and DAMN how some of those lads be 😍 Rio: Imma pretend I didn't hear THAT 'cos I ain't about to share his secrets 😏 Rio: I'll work on it then 😜 Rio: Always gon' love you bitch 🧡 Rio: What a tart 🙄 Rio: Not you though don't be tryna give me grey hairs already gurl 😂 Indie: 😂 Indie: me too cos you the only 1 getting that work done free baby Indie: 💖💖💖 Indie: gotta look good for his fancy piece innit 🏥 Indie: catch me on site tryna get grabbed rn giving you all the alone time w mckenna you be needing Rio: Trust, feeling that special with it 💖👸 Rio: 'Course, not that he's afraid of hard graft or anything, nah 😏 Rio: Hold up on the heart attack you gonna give Ma Rio: 'cos about to both have all that alone time 🛫🏖 Indie: safe 👑 Indie: nah nah 😂 hardest working rudeboy in the 24 Indie: self titled drew innit tho Indie: ma can get in line cos how these boys are got me feelin i could have one of my own 😍😍 mines bout to stop on the words they say & them accents Indie: gotta play hard like my wifey do so i dont get vexed being here in this temp at this time Indie: stuck schoolin & hustlin like 😒 Rio: 😂 Rio: I ain't no snitch so I'll keep it on the dl Rio: but bitch knows her way 'round that site herself so 👀 out for her even if your 💘 is gone like Rio: Poor baby 😟😥 Promise it's your turn next, anywhere you wanna Indie: ✌✌✌ Indie: its chill ill party like its my bday & im legal Indie: cant keep a rudegirl down Indie: gimme the 411 on how mckenna did tho did he come through w your 💍 or nah Rio: Gotta have one on me, like Rio: wouldn't be polite otherwise 😋 Rio: [pics] Rio: Bitch, when I tell you I can't even Indie: 😮😮 bitch WTF Indie: how he out here doing it like that?? Indie: boy stop Indie: but like dont Rio: I know Rio: and you're gonna see where we're going Rio: it's ridiculous Rio: he's ridiculous Indie: 😍😍😍 Indie: and you dont want me on his friends bitch EXCUSE ME Indie: i gotta tap this demo Rio: I thought we was all about the travellers now? Rio: if I can't keep up with you idk how these lads stand a chance 💔😉 Indie: allow it Indie: not trying to get wifey'd by anyone else Indie: & no lad has said yeah to my 💘 yet Indie: hmu all of yous Rio: At the risk of sounding older than the 18 I'm repping now Rio: Enjoy the ride, babe Rio: way more fun Indie: 😂😂 Indie: this boy tho i need him 💰 or nah Rio: Gimme the deets then! Indie: i gotta go back & get em im pure 💘 from first 👀 Rio: You best hmu when you do Rio: just 'cos Imma be in paradise don't mean I'm not still mumsie Indie: if you dont hear then you know i been owned by my 😍 & hes some chief wasteman who just thinks he bad Rio: all been there Rio: and you know, can't be judging whilst you keeping my secret can I? Indie: ma please thats your whole job 😂 it is how my step be doin it like Rio: I'll let her cover it then Rio: be the cool mum we all know i'm destined to be Indie: is it? Indie: can you be cool & tell her to hurry up and drop so the baby girl can vex her stead of me Indie: living so dry rn Rio: You reckon that'll make her any cooler? Rio: Mumming even harder, just you wait babe Indie: 😒😒 Indie: tell her i got loads of mas then Rio: Bless Rio: least we're back on so you don't have to live with her and Drew, like Indie: 🙏🙏 foreal tho shes flatroofin me from afar i cant be running in that house no more Indie: dont leave me woman Rio: Promise Rio: that said, a bitch be packing Indie: not gonna say take me w this time cos i kno what you finna do w that boy Indie: 😏 mad jealous Rio: 🤐 remember Indie: trust Indie: if i go back for that lad tonite is that too hype? its been a minute since i was there but idk Rio: Nah, go for it babe Indie: ✌✌ Indie: garda better keep things jam cos i aint asking drew for a ride there Rio: Not the vibe getting your Da to take you to a dick appointment, like Indie: 😂😂 Indie: hes been in a weird vibe Indie: must be cos the 👶 is due soon Rio: Yeah? Rio: Know he ain't go as hard as mine but hardly new to the game Indie: first time hes done it standard tho Indie: still no excuse to get so high off your own supply tho Indie: idk man Indie: maybes hes having a midlife Indie: maybe shes just driving him how she do me Rio: God knows Rio: ain't your job to stress it tho Rio: leave that to them, like Indie: innit Indie: just dont let mckenna put one in you Indie: its a madness how she flips Rio: Err no chance Rio: I bet Rio: already highly strung bless her, then you throw a load of hormones at her, nah, I'm good Indie: you can rep that how you like babe but aint none of our parents tryna bring us & still we out here vibin Indie: least they wanted this one like Rio: Yeah but I've heard of birth control 🙄 Rio: You think she'll make him marry her? Rio: Get a dress, like Indie: how un 🍀 of you bitch 😂 Indie: yeah shes been after a 💍 since she landed back in his bed Indie: better not try and put me in no dress Rio: 😂 matching with your younger Rio: so cute Indie: allow it Indie: ill 🛑 that shit fore i agree that Rio: 😬 no one needs to see that Indie: or other mckenna snapping the day like she needs the 💰 Indie: wheres the peng one taking you then? Rio: fr fr Rio: Maldives baby Rio: I'll send you all the pics Indie: 😮😮😮😮 Indie: that boy gon kill me & i aint even going Indie: don't send me ALL the pics tho I dont need 👀 for what ive already 👂 Rio: this place gon' kill me Rio: i been some places but damn Rio: behave Rio: gotta pay for that privilege honey 💁 Indie: when you fam & she still tryna charge 😂 Indie: tax a celeb hottie aint that how & where they hang? Rio: You want that new drum babe Rio: 🤞 Indie: hells yeah i want that new yard for a 🐶 Indie: make it happen ma Rio: 💪 here's hoping there's a becks or some shit out here Indie: spoke like mckenna aint dropping that dime on you standard Indie: lookin & actin all 😇 Indie: 💸💸💸 Rio: Think asking for a new gaff is taking the piss though 😉 Indie: IS IT THO 😂 Indie: boy down to move you in if he coulda Rio: I don't think he down to be livin' in the 24 tho 😏 Indie: bitch you know id change postcode if i can party in his Rio: You'd hate it 😂 Indie: nah all dem rich rudeboys wanna slum it for a nite Indie: hmu lads Rio: been there done that Rio: 'less they upped their game Rio: not worth the plane ticket Indie: waste 💔 Rio: truly Rio: keep rinsing their da's, like Indie: if youd let me babe ✌ Rio: bitch, not you ⛔ Indie: jokes Indie: imma link my gypsy prince Rio: 👍 Rio: how many 👙s do I need Indie: how long he ticking you away from me & these ends for? Rio: only a week Rio: should be in school, like Indie: 😂 Indie: at choir practice or some posho shit like Indie: but forreal like you dont wanna repeat gotta keep the looks fresh and the game 🔥 Rio: 😂 can you imagine Rio: lawd Rio: yeah, fuck it, one for every day and a spare it is 😉 Indie: 👑👑 rep that Indie: you kno that boy gon be carrying more clothes than a store Rio: Well, he ain't dodging those extra baggage charges by putting shit in my case, like Indie: 💔 Indie: honeymoon off fore its on Rio: When I can't quit being a bitch 🤷 Rio: awks Indie: you bad & he loves it Rio: hope so Rio: don't need domestics in the airport forreal Rio: don't kill my vibe boy Indie: 😂 Indie: bitch like he could when youre ✈ maldives Rio: Yeah we both gon' put up and shut up for that view Indie: forreal gon be lush Indie: im vexed but stealth bout it Indie: save you that domestic baby Rio: We gon' brawl when I'm back? Rio: Okay, I'll prepare my best dramatics in my downtime Indie: depends how im vibin Indie: got my own plans for this week Rio: Aside from riding a gypsy or? Indie: thats day 1 gurl Indie: keep w me Indie: drew best not be trying to chill & ruin my empty Indie: brawl him no drama Rio: Do my best Rio: and if you change the locks on him, send us a key, like Indie: innit tho Indie: get to steppin man Indie: your drum be lavish use it Rio: When he ever there man Rio: how they found time to make this baby is impressive if not gross Indie: 😂 Indie: no shade but im shook she could Rio: Literally though Rio: could call her a medical miracle, might not clock the shade over the ego boost Indie: good she aint here cos im creased rn Indie: their life is mad jokes Rio: s'alright, she can take a good laugh at mine if she gotta Indie: please your life is bare hectic 💖👑 Indie: dont trip Rio: Doubt the Cambs med student turned super doc is jelly tho 😜 Indie: what she kno? shes drews piece & he still more about you 😂 Rio: Shut up Indie: ✌ Rio: You crazy Indie: he is Indie: for ya Indie: chatting at me about how you grown good Rio: He really is high Indie: you kno Indie: old man relax 😂 Rio: Nasty Rio: gimme my card and cash and begone Indie: gimme your slice of cake too drew cos you aint eating for two Indie: abs are welcome like Rio: 😂 Rio: sometimes i reckon you are Rio: you and ya tapeworm Indie: big love Indie: even if i am marv Rio: 🧡🧡🧡 Indie: keep me knowin & ill give you same back 💖 Rio: 'Course, goes without saying Rio: ✌ out lil one Indie: safe

[acefaerie]

I think its really understandable that a lot of younger people sort of assuming that somehow not having an attraction to others is seen as a virtue especially by religious groups. 

When i was a teen my lack of interest in relationships was seen by the adults in my life that “oh she is just shy” “she’s been a good girl and focusing on school work” and tbh that was the narrative i told myself.  

except, looking back there was an underlying concern from adults that I was “missing out” on the Ideal Teen Romance TM. I got hints of it when ever I made a new male friend. “Oh he looks like he might be your type.” followed by a hopeful smile. after a while i got the “Its okay if you like girls” because i think by this time my parents had realised “she’s really not that interested in boys is she”.

but these instances were mild, my parents, specifically my mother who is “liberal” mind you, and had many close female friends who were lesbian and bi, kept out of my way. I was doing well at school, i was a “good girl”. So for me i think i get why some young people don’t understand the pressure for people to pair up because when you are in highschool if there is pressure its from peers and generally parents consider you to be “just a late bloomer”. But this is my experience, which was.. 15 years ago, and the world has changed quickly and drastically it may be different for others. It may also be that i am privileged in coming grom a generally accepting family, that is not religious, that would have accepted without question any girls I brought home (in fact i was asked if i wanted to).

My peer group generally either made jokes about my lack of interest or assumed i was gay. the general knowledge around school was i was gay, even my guy friends who never asked me also just.. assumed that was the case. I was lucky in the sense that like my mother most of my friends were either bi themselves and therefore didn’t care or pretty liberal minded. so i was cushioned... except for this one girl Tanya. She was homophobic and hated me because of it, i know this because i overheard her complaining about me one time and it generally was about how she had interpreted any causual friendly touch i had with my other friends as “creepy and weird”. I was forced to spend time with her because one of my “best” friends  was really good friends with her (who we have another story about but its only slightly related to this) and wanted us to hang out all the time. 

Tanya made my last year of highschool hell. She poisoned friends against me, and created a sort of social outcasting that left me without a support group. I was unlucky that a lot of my out bi friends who accepted me dropped out the previous year for various reasons. So i was left with the only people who sort of hung out with me being the largely straight (or closeted best friend who when she did start dating a girl, did so in secretl) acquaintances of those friends, who were easily convinced by Tanya to drop me from the group.

but here is the thing. I never called myself gay, (a am a pan/bi ace yes but at the time the only thing i ever said or did was say “Im not really interested in boys” because I really didnt know what i was) just not being interested  was enough for Tanya. 

besides  my awful experience with Tanya I get why teens think “not being interested” puts a pretty light target on your back. even if my parents were disappointed i didnt experience the “ideal teen romance TM” it wasnt a huge concern. The bullying a recieved from Tanya is also ambigious because she was exactly the kind of bigot who was bigoted against everyone who was different she was basically the epotime of what prejudice people talk about when they talk about the “prejudice tree” where a bigotted person who is biggeted against one thing is bigotted against most things that are different from them.

What was my point. Oh, yes. in highschool the main negative reactions i got were from people sharing frustration and disappointment about me dating (though the “late bloomer” thought pretty much silenced this crowd) and the more aggressive lot who were homophobic and i fit enough of the criteria for them to consider me a target.

The first negative thing, the frustration and disapointment, as an ace i think that has become more impactful the older I have got. The pressure started to hit hard in my twentie. “Something is wrong with you” reactions from people grew the more i became “clearly an adult” Friends who were fine in highschool suddenly treated me like i was a kid who didn’t know anything about anything because “i hadn’t had a relationship or sex what do i know about being an adult”. My parents, though well meaning became more and more worried abut what was wrong with me.

Omg the relief they felt when i had a relationship that lasted two weeks (where i cried the whole time and barely even kissed the person).

relationships and sex are treated by our society as a right of passage for becoming an adult. So its fine to be a late bloomer, but thats what these people think you are “a late bloomer” not fully complete yet, still growing.

my mother who was so supportive in my teens and early twenties started letting her anxiety about me leak through when i spent most of my 20s not even “just single” but actively not looking I think she even once told me she just wanted me to have the experience of a real relationship, after i had one that was online (which was like having one without having to touch a person which i enjoyed, until he came over and there was touching and i didn’t enjoy it as much anymore because both I and he forced me into sexual situations i was not ready for but had been convinced by everyone i knew that that is what you did if you were in a relationship) after him i felt physically ill if i knew a person found me attractive so actively avoided being “too sexy” so people wouldnt.

the first healthy relationship slightly romantic relationship i had was a Queer platonic one, with a woman. Everyone knew we were in love, even my professors. but it remained platonic and honestly helped free me from all the toxic stuff that happened before. Im still incredably close to her. 

at this time though I was in my mid to late thirties, and my families comments had become less “you are too picky” to “Im worried you will never find someone” “you are nearly 30″ “what if you want kids you can’t leave it too late”. 

its all small stuff but it mounts up. its mirco-aggressions that become deafening. Im childish because i don;t like sex i need to grow up, im weird im wrong im mistaken im making my parents sad, why can’t i be who they want me to be, my mother crying because she just wants me to have a special person but never understanding that my QPR WAS my special person because to her that was just a friend, people saying i don’t know what i want, people saying im a loser cos they never see me dating, people telling me they ” think being single is a sign of failure” people telling me that when they call me a prude its an insult and im weird if i dont feel bad for being a prude, people telling me i should be interested, “don’t you find him attractive”, “sex is amazing what do you mean you dont like it”,” i think you are just scared of love”, “you must be a closet lesbian”, “your just a straight faking for attention.” “why are you trying to date normal people isnt there a website for people like you?” “its not our fault there arent many of you”, “your a bad girlfriend if you don’t like kissing he/she will be hurt if you wipe the saliva away or if you say you arent attracted to them”, “you don’t understand what love is” “you are confused” “you are sick, see a doctor”, “you’re abusive,” “ you don;t know what you are talking about”, “your sick, is it a hormone deficiency” “HAH you don’t like sex just get married then you wont get any”, “how can you not feel attracted then,” your abusive if you have sex but not sexually attracted”, “you’re abusive if you dont have sex cos you are with-holding from the other person”, “it's okay if you dont want sex for now know but thats just how relationships progress”, “Why don't you like him he likes you, “” Im worried you are going to be alone for ever” 

The pressure of it used to keep me up at night where i felt i was FAILING everyone i knew because i just couldn't bring myself to feel that way about another person. I became deeply depressed. It was the main reason i considered suicide.

when i finally did enter a relationship again after two years of EVERYONE pushing for it. that pressure stopped in so far as people stopped pressuring me to be with him, but now i feel like i have to pretend to be normal so people will leave me alone, and i feel like part of me is lying to myself.

I worry about falling back into unhealthy patterns where i play the role of girlfriend just so i can stop people from knowing im weird. The only saving grace is this time my partner and I know im asexual. He doesn’t quite understand it but he respects my boundaries. still part of me feels like this relationship is a compromise. he doesn't get it completely even though he tries.  he treats me well and i love him,  Its just getting to this point my twenties were years of me ripping up my insides because of all the things society was saying to me. I felt trapped between the fear of being alone and the fear of having to force myself into a relationship again. 

So i get why young people dont get what negativity you can face for being aro/ace but thats because the virtue of being disinterested is only a virtue if its temporary. and even then don’t underestimate the power of bigots to sniff out a difference to target you for.

[brooklyn-penny-blog]

Me too.

I was 13 when I met him. I was in the 8th grade, my best friend Jessica was a freshman in high school and was dating a sophomore who sang in a pop punk band called Harper's Drive. He wasn't a good singer, even by pop-punk standards, but the mere fact that he was in a band upped his cool factor to about a 9. Harpers Drive was performing in a benefit concert for the high school's marching band, and Jess had invited me along. The show took place in the high school's performing arts center and while it wasn't the first rock show I'd been to, I was in a position where any band performing live might as well have been Green Day.

I don't remember much of the concert, but I do remember that Jess and I were able to go backstage, a fantasy of just about any young girl. I met a lot of local musicians (who may as well have been rock stars to be honest), but one in particular stood out to me. He was just about my height, had spiked up, faded orange hair and I assumed he was about 16 years old. We were in a high school, after all.

Boys didn't pay too much attention to me. I was thicker and curvier than most of the girls in my grade. I had developed early, and while I wasn't overweight, my body appeared to be more of a full-grown woman than a middle school student. I struggled with body-image issues, was bullied over my weight and the fact that I chose a "goth" or "punk" aesthetic rather than the more American Eagle brand of many of my peers. I chose deliberately to be an outcast, and I liked it that way.

He paid attention to me. He commented on my outfit and accessories. I remember I was wearing dickies brand slacks, a thrift store tee, and a rubber wrist cuff with fake rubber spikes. He ran his fingers over them and referred to them as "safety spikes". I didn't necessarily know what it was like to be flirted with, but it seemed to me that he was coming on to me-- and as sad as it sounds, in that moment I felt alive and valid and mature. It was thrilling.

I found out shortly after that he was the drummer for the headlining act. This sent my heart into a tailspin- because this musician, this rock star, had paid attention to me. I could swear that he was making eyes at me from behind his drum kit. This was also the first time I had ever heard ska music. My life was changing that night-- and the entire evening felt... monumental.

Jess and I had been giggling the entire time and after some convincing and a rather impassioned pep-talk, I worked up the courage to rush the stage with a group of fellow squealing teenagers and at the end of their final song I leaned down and kissed the drummer boy on the cheek.

Before the evening ended we had exchanged AIM screen names and I went home, my heart all a-flutter because I had met a boy who was cool, funny, talented, cute, and totally into me.

The following day, I logged on and he wrote to me. We chatted for a moment before he mentioned he was at work. I was confused because normally, after-school jobs for high schoolers didn't lend themselves to being behind a computer screen. Not in 2003 anyway. And that's when I found out that he was not 16, or even in high school. He was 21, and he was at his regular job where he cared for teenagers with disabilities.

He admitted to me that he thought I was 16 (in hindsight, this doesn't make the tale any less squeamish) and when I told him that I was 13 and in the eighth grade he was disappointed because he thought I was "really sexy". To which I replied that I felt the same, and we decided that it was only appropriate that our friendship remain platonic.

There was not one single part of me at this point in my life that realized that any sort of relationship with a grown man in his twenties who had any sort of sexual desire for me, a thirteen year old girl, was safe or appropriate in any possible way. Before I go further, I feel it is imperative to note that 1) at 21, no one should be attempting to have physical, sexual, relationships with 16 year old children and 2) even if this was the case, the moment he discovered I was 13 years old, he should have blocked my username and pretended he never met me. Whatever heartache I may have felt I could easily overcome.

We agreed to remain platonic friends. The two of us often chatting when I got home from school and logged on. After a few weeks, he invited me to help him flyer for his band's next show the following weekend. I felt very cool, being asked by the drummer of my (now) favorite band, to help him promote his upcoming show. I invited Jess and her boyfriend along (the boyfriend had a car) and we all met at the local mall to hand out flyers to the other "cool" kids. After a few hours of passing out flyers, he invited the three of us back to his house which was nearby. The band had built a recording studio in the living room and he wanted to show us. I can't begin to tell you how much this excited me. I felt like I was getting a glimpse into a world where I didn't belong.

I was teased and bullied and felt like a troll at school, but that day I felt like a fun, fearless, beautiful young woman with an all-access backstage pass. The three of us went over to his house, he showed us around, gave us each a beer and invited me back to his room alone.

Jess and her boyfriend were anxious to be alone. The pair had a vibrant sexual chemistry, the kind that can only occur between two enthusiastically hormonal teenagers in young love. And I do not at all hold either of them at fault for the (however tame) indiscretions that followed.

I went to his room. He kissed me, like I had never been kissed before. He lay me down on the bed, lifted my shirt, fondled and kissed my breasts. He stopped himself, told me that it wasn't right and that if we wanted to fool around we had to wait until I was older. Ashamed and embarrassed, I put my bra back on and went back to my friends.

I didn't see him for a while after that, but we stayed in contact via instant messenger. At some point between this and the second offense, I received threatening IM's from his girlfriend at the time (who I didn't yet know existed. She comes back into this later). He assured me she was his ex and that because he and I were "platonic" friends, I had nothing to worry about.

I spent most of that summer visiting my dad in Oklahoma. At the suggestion of the drummer, I went to check out another ska band at a show in Norman. It was there that I met a trombone player named Thom. With an h. Really that's how he spelled it. I don't know how old Thom was, but he was tall, and classically handsome. We flirted and made plans to go on a date a few days later. My sister agreed to help cover for me. We told our dad that we were seeing a movie with her boyfriend so she could drop me off with Thom, and she would come back to get me a few hours later. I was now 14.

The night before the date I was chatting online with the drummer. I confided in him that I was nervous because I really liked Thom and I had never been on a date before. The drummer asked me if I was going to suck Thom's dick. I admitted that I had never done that before, the drummer offered to teach me how to do it. He then went into graphic detail about how to properly give a blow job, continuously referencing his own cock, mentioning casually how he wished he were there with me so he could teach me in person.

The following night I went out with Thom, we went and got slushes, pulled into a parking lot. I sucked his dick. He brought me back to my sister who took me home and I never heard from Thom again. Which was fine. This story isn't about him.

My first month of my freshman year of high school I caught wind that the band was having another benefit concert, and my drummer's band was once again headlining (it turned out the trombone player for that band had a daughter in my school's marching band). Jess and I once again got dolled up and joined the fun. But this time, rather than rushing the stage to give (what I thought was) a 16 year old boy a kiss on the cheek, I wound up backstage giving a (now) 22 year old man a blow job.

A few months after this incident, I was newly single from my first ever high school "boyfriend" (the term is in quotes because really we never made it official, but i loved him, spent the majority of my time with him, and gave him lots of head-- all of which went unreciprocated-- which is beside the point) I found myself always going back to him for validation. Whenever I felt down or like I was worthless or boys didn't like me and never would, I'd find myself chatting with him online. He'd say something complimentary (predatory) and I'd feel better.

Jess and I kept going to his band's shows. We had both grown to truly love ska music, it both lifted us up and made our young hearts soar. But at nearly every show, I would find a dark corner to lure him to so I could suck his dick.

A few months later I received another IM from the girlfriend who had threatened me a year before. She was apologetic and admitted to feeling "crazy" and jealous. She wanted to make things right and knew that I meant a lot to him, so she wanted to get to know me. I thought she was the epitome of cool. She had funky colored hair and an eccentric, pin-up sense of style that I admired and adored. I wanted to be her. She was younger than him, but still much older than me. She was 19.

She invited me over to the apartment that they shared. I told my mom I was going over to another (age-appropriate) friend's house and she picked me up in her silver Volkswagen bug and took me to their apartment on the Westside. We drank beer and played Nintendo as the two of them told me about their non-traditional relationship. The two of them were "open", a brand new concept to me. I had only known about monogamous relationships and could hardly wrap my head around the idea that two people could be together and also be with other people.

After a few drinks, she kissed me. And the two of us made out for quite some time while he watched. They got riled up and led me to their bedroom where they proceeded to have sex with each other while I lay next to them. Occasionally one of their hands would reach over and touch my breasts, a mouth would meet my mouth. At some point I slipped out and waited on the balcony for them to finish. I was still a virgin.

I was curious, because for the past year he had been the only constant. Something about this man made me feel important, and valuable. I believed that I had genuine feelings for him.

I was informed (not asked) that I was the girlfriend of both of them by her in a text message. I had told her that I was so happy we were friends now, and she responded "we are more than friends, you're a girl I'm seeing". I said "what am I to him?" She said "you're a girl he's seeing". "So I'm dating both of you?" "Yes".

I am, at this point in the story, now 15. I have known this man and been intimate with this man for two years. He is now 22. I have just been told by his girlfriend that, even though I considered myself to be heterosexual and had never touched a woman further than kissing that I am currently in a polyamorous relationship with two adults. And I just... went along with it.

Because I was a deliberate outcast, and I suddenly felt cool and special and different and valid and important. I couldn't see what I see now, that I was a strange pawn in their hebephilic sex games. I don't think I was special- I think I was 15 and willing.

I went back over to their apartment a few more times for a few other parties. Occasionally I'd bring a friend with me so as to not completely lie to my mother. Every time I went there I'd wind up participating in kissing and fondling with either or both of them.

The last time I went over there alone, I told my mother I was sleeping over at a different friend's house. The three of us had some drinks and put a movie on. I made the first move on him, kissing him. She became jealous and left in a huff. He tore my clothes off and lead me to their guest bedroom. He took off his underwear and said "are you sure?" And I said "yep".

It didn't hurt. I don't remember if I liked it. When we were done he tucked me in, kissed me on the forehead and went to his bedroom. She came home later, said goodnight, kissed me on the forehead and went to their bedroom.

The following morning she drove me home. I didn't call, text, or reach out to either of them for two months. She texted me a few weeks later and told me she knew he had taken my virginity and asked me why I didn't tell her. That I should always feel comfortable telling her secrets. I told her that I didn't want to date them anymore.

A few months later, we had all decided just to be friends. Their house became the party house for me and my high school friend group. Me, Jess, and three boys would all go over to their house every Friday. He'd buy us all booze. We'd play drinking games and usually all wind up naked, but we'd always be home by curfew.

I slept with him a few more times. Eventually I'd have other boyfriends, and they eventually broke up. He'd still have us over, I'd bring over new friends, younger friends that he would either sleep with or try to sleep with. I felt possessive of him, and would be angry when he wanted to touch other high school girls who weren't me. He once yelled at me and accused me of not wanting him to fuck anyone but me.

I started college and saw him infrequently. He still had parties, there were still teenage girls all over him. We were in contact until he was about 26/27. Eventually it tapered off. I was busy with my life, a live-in boyfriend, school, work at camp. He wasn't a priority for me anymore.

The last major significant interaction I had with him I was 21 years old and was drinking legally in a bar downtown. We ran into each other. It was like two old friends meeting up after "all this time". He was shocked because he'd known me for so long

"Man this is crazy! You're 21 now!"

"I know, right?"

"I've known you for so long, how long has it been?"

"I was 13 when we met so... 8 years?"

"Damn... damn... hey listen, I am so sorry. For everything. The way I treated you was really shitty."

"You know what, its fine. I forgive you"

But... it wasn't until he apologized that I realized he had something to apologize for. And suddenly it all came rushing back. He picked me up when I was 13 years old, fondled me, groomed me, he owned me. And when I reacted in a negative way, he attempted to gaslight me, called me crazy and hysterical and possessive. He took my virginity over beers when I was 15 years old, in braces, after a rousing session of Mario Kart on his fucking GameCube. And I, in the process, was taught that I was only valuable, cool, important, beautiful, worthy, interesting, special- if I was the object of someone's sexual desire.

This has affected me throughout my twenties. It wasn't until two years ago, at 26 that I experienced sexual desire on my end. I had lots of sex between when I lost my virginity until then, but never because I really, truly wanted to. I had sex because I wanted them to like me. I wanted them to value me. I wanted to be important to them. I thought that if I gave them what they wanted, that they would reciprocate with love and affection. That was not the case, so when I was rejected (which was often) I punished and blamed myself. I did horrible things to my body (mostly restricting and purging my food).

On some level I take responsibility for the role I played in these five years of my life. I kept going back to him, I never told him I was uncomfortable or had any inclination that what was happening was wrong. But, I was a kid. I was young, vulnerable, and he was the adult. He should have stopped it before it even began. He took advantage of my naivety, my innocence, my insecurities and used them to take my virginity and continue to commit statutory rape over and over again until I wasn't an option for him anymore.

I am now 28 years old. I remember when I was 21, 22, 23 thinking if I would ever consider someone as young as 13,14, or 15 an option as a sexual partner. The mere thought of it turned my stomach. It felt icky and wrong. I worked with kids that age at the camp in the summer, I was responsible for their well-being. I wondered what kind of sick and twisted shit would have to go wrong in my life for me to do the kinds of things that he did to me. I cannot even fathom.

In recent years I've been involved on and off with group chats with my old buddies from high school. They've said his name. Most of them are still friends with him and see him from time to time. I've asked that when I come home for visits that he not be invited to hang out with us. None of them (the boys, Jessica gets it) understand why. "He didn't rape you." "We were all there, you wanted it!"

I was hesitant to post "me too" because even now, after writing this- I still feel that it is my fault. I feel like I am somehow to blame and that what happened to me "doesn't count".

Let's assume that it doesn't. Let's also assume that catcalls, or being followed home in the rain from the subway by a guy begging me for my phone number doesn't count. I'll tell a much shorter story:

Two years ago I went on a date with a man who I knew was trouble. He was clearly unstable and had reached out to me after years of radio silence after our first date (we drunkenly made out for hours but didn't sleep together) and left me countless drunken voicemails about how I was the one who got away. I agreed to meet up with him, had one drink and felt drunker than I'd ever felt. The majority of the night I remember in vague, hazy vignettes. I totally blacked out as we got into a cab and I came to in someone's front yard with my tights and panties around my ankles. He was pulling on his pants. I told him I needed to get home. He told me I was home. I told him I lived in Brooklyn. He told me we were in Brooklyn and kept trying to convince me that we were at my house. I finally managed to tell him my address and he helped me get in a cab and take me to my actual home. He helped me up the stairs, kissed me goodnight and left. The next morning he told me that we had sex and it was my idea, he couldn't have said no if he wanted to and that he hopes I remember it next time. I have no evidence of whether or not there was something in the one drink I had before the world started spinning. I know I had at least two more drinks that night. But I do know that I was in no position to consent to any sexual contact that night. I blocked his number and social media channels. I stopped dating.

Whenever I start to think that mine don't count, I have to think seriously-- would it matter if it happened to Jessica? To my sister? My mother? My colleagues or clients? Of course it would. So why should it not matter that it happened to me?

So yeah, I guess, me too.

[robustcornhusk]

unraveling an anxious thought-loop: i need to get it out with the idea that someone might read it or else it’ll remain incoherent. 

physical/situational/resource factors: 

was a human very hard this weekend (internet friend came over on wed, went out on thursday, went out on saturday + internet friends came over, friends came over saturday, went out all day on sunday and people came over)

haven’t eaten enough food yet

mild sleep deprivation 

apartment is still something of a mess from move (should be finished within a week, but it’s already been 2 weeks...)

i wish i could embed a graph ... 

do not know what gender is, after some years: i know what actions/directions/things feel better. short hair is good, high waist-hip ratio good, flat chest is good, organ removal was good. facial hair is annoying. being grouped with women seems incorrect, being grouped with men is confusing (in that i still model people as sorting me into woman, so i’m surprised when that’s not true). 

i’m thinking of matrix multiplication. multiplication, dot product.

i joke it’s a good thing i was raised such that i was believed to be female instead of male because i have fewer actions to be embarrassed about. (i must not think about the past. i cannot think of anything i have done that i do not feel deep shameguiltthiswasWRONGandishouldnothavedoneit). 

it seems i think it’s better overall that i hurt, regardless of magnitude, than other people hurt, regardless of magnitude. (in practice, i do things that hurt other people for my own benefit, but my ideal is that i should hurt and not other people. i should fold up small and fit in a box.)

(there is a distinction between alieve and believe. i can’t remember which is which. emotionally-believe intellectually-believe.)

even if i deeply/emotionally believe that it’s better for me to hurt than other people, i intellectually know that it’s unsustainable, so i have to give myself the minimum necessary to not completely im/explode. i do not know where the minimum is. every amount i give myself, i think is more than necessary. 

so preoccupied by all the other stuff that needs doing – worrying about the carpool, whether there's anything in the fridge to cook for dinner – the time itself is what sociologists call "contaminated."

does this apply to the activities themselves? 

(i see things floating around: “there’s something that needs doing. i don’t want to/can’t do it right now. i can’t even enjoy other things because i should be doing the thing. that’s how i spend 8 hours staring at a wall, not doing the thing.”)

getting away from the thing i’m upset about, or maybe circling back to it.

failed woman, ersatz woman. emotional labor/work // second shift, flowing from that: i can’t read social cues as well as other people. other people have to tell me what they feel: they have to feel it, have to notice it, have to put it into words, have to figure out the right time to indicate to me what they feel, have to figure out the right way. rather than: they have to feel it, i notice, i adjust. 

(it seems that many people i respect/ed, like/d appear to intellectually and emotionally believe: you have to do your share of emotional work/noticing, social overhead, ... in order to be a Real Adult. look at these people, who don’t do their share: such overgrown children! and they’re all men! women know how to do this.)

”The gay men profiled here are less healthy, less socially connected, and less able to process their emotions because those are facets of emotional labor and they've neither learned how to do it themselves, nor found women to do that work for them.”

(i don’t know if i’m a man or not, but people seem to sort me into that bucket, and when people i talking i don’t know where to put myself into into “unfortunate, pitiable austistic faab” and “selfish, lazy autistic man unwilling to put in the effort”)

i set off into guilt/shame/badfeelings cycles when i see friends being very fem: they’re very good at this thing they’re choosing to do! i was raised to do it and i was bad at it. i was supposed to do this and i was awful at it and i ran away from it. if i were a good person, i would do that: femininity is a good thing, masculinity a bad thing.

(a few years ago, with a now-close friend ((it is inevitable to become close to someone if you talk to them so long when in that state)): i expressed my emotionally-based hate of masculinity ((when i think i don’t know what’s wrong with it. i know this is wrong because i’m told this is wrong? but other people think... i’m just bad at it.))... a few months later they asked what i thought they gender was. demurring: i don’t know, it makes me think of ((music)). they seemed happy to hear this answer. now, some time later, taking hormones. it took them a long time to come to that, so it’s unlikely my self-hate made them to flee... right?)

circling back to what i am upset by today:

a friend in an irc channel does online dating. this friend posts excerpts of messages sent by people when it’s funny how ill-suited the messages are. all of them are from men, of course. they have never mentioned meeting a man and enjoying the experience on this site (and in fact, dozens of instances of “this one sucks”); have sometimes mentioned meeting women and having a good time.

i asked if they’re considered not seeing/being seen by straight people because they seem to get a lot of really awful messages from straight people? and after they responded “yes, but i am also interested in dating straight men” i dropped it & privately apologized. a cohuman picked up the conversation, not reading signals. now: channel with a substantial portion of people saying “don’t stop [showing us the gross messages from the gross men]! it’s funny!”

... and they should be able to tell people about the gross, rude messages they get! it’d be bad to prevent them from talking about it? 

(fake woman: i never experienced a lot of this! i was bad at paying attention, transitioned before really dating/trying to date people, i was not very feminine and not much of an interesting target. i say, remembering the time at 13 a much older man told me to “dump your boyfriend, i’ll treat you better!”, when a bunch of men rolled down their window and told me to get in their car, the boys who held me down and groped me weekly during lunch in high school, ... but, you know, i never experienced anything bad. i wasn’t really a woman, i’m really a man, so i don’t know anything.)

i guess i just don’t like that the “here’s the lock i have been machining and assembling for the past three weeks!” channel is the same as the “talk about the losers on the internet who don’t read dating profiles” channel. because the first is neat for me, and the second makes me to go into a... this.

(... and i hate that the friend who works with cohuman, housemate, led wizard on art is also the same friend who i cannot be around when any female/-closure/maybe if you squint people are around. during, it’s incessant flirting and throwing the rest of us under the bus; after, it’s entirely “she’s so cute! i want to date her, sleep with her, ...”. i recall going to lunch with her once: “the waitress is cute! I want to give her my number.” “Please don’t, she’s working right now?” Server’s shift ended & she left; friend ran after her and followed a block to hand off phone number. which. holy shit! no! don’t! bad! why would you think this is an okay thing to do!)