#on a profound journey to discover your spiritual identity as a child of God. In this enlightening episode

[mulechurchyard-blog]

What I mean when I say Ex-Gay

“Because you see we boys are like that. We are more afraid of the medicine than of the illness”

                                                                                   Pinocchio,Carlo Collodi

Over the 2015/16 festive period I had two epiphanies: (i) I wasn’t gay and (ii) there is a God.

There was a gap of around a month between the two. During that month, I unpicked my former identity, and I realised that I had been had: the concept of homosexual identity is lie, and the way that the lie is maintained is incredibly complex and damaging. At first, I wondered how I could become a secular voice who could help people see what I had seen, but God had other plans. In a few short weeks he had saved me for Himself, and now I knew that my message would be so outrageous there was no chance of being listened to. I knew what I was like before, and there was no way I would have listened… or maybe I would have listened a little bit, secretly. I might therefore have read on, if just to be outraged.

Having crossed the boundaries between the two worlds, I realised there is a problem to which there are four parts:

(i)            LGBT people do not understand Christianity

(ii)           Christians do not understand LGBT people

(iii)         LGBT people do not understand themselves

(iv)          Christians do not understand Christianity

So, as far debate and dialogue between LGBT people and Christians are concerned, things were never going to go well. As someone who has now experienced both, this blog sets out to address that a bit.

First, to state what I do not support. A couple of weeks back, there was an episode ofRupaul’s Drag Race (which I find fascinating) where one of the competitors broke down crying as he described his Christian parents subjecting him to an exorcism to rid him of a gay demon. That is spiritual abuse. No one can change for the sake of someone else. We each have a cross to bear, and it is our choice in how to bear it. It must be acknowledged that once a child is an adult, then they are on their own journey. Whilst love and guidance remain essential, that guidance must not be authoritarian (in fact authoritarian parenting may have been part of the problem in the first place). It goes without saying that verbal, physical, spiritual and emotional abuse (including shunning) play no part at all. I will write about parenting fully, later on.

However, there are a number of videos doing the rounds on YouTube, where people speak of amazing hole-on-one spiritual experiences where some charismatic preacher lays their hands on them, and they receive the holy spirit and “over-come” their sexuality all the same moment. If that is true, that’s great for them, I suppose, but it lies well beyond the bounds of realism for most. Maybe there is a leap of faith so profound that these people do just change their sexuality through belief, but as Rosario Champagne Butterfield, a Christian writer who also came through homosexuality, says, expecting it to happen is really prosperity gospel territory (the heretical and blatantly untrue belief that becoming a Christian is going to make you well, and bring financial prosperity because God knows you deserve it). What if these individuals discover that still struggle with same-sex desire? Who will they talk to about it? What if they don’t talk about it, and then act on it secretly? Either way, I am afraid to say that the euphoria of discovering God wears off overtime. You discover that you still do get ill, you still make terrible mistakes, your loved ones still die unsaved and you do still experience same-sex desire after all. Relying on Him and trusting Him can become harder. God doesn’t remove us from Earthly reality, he shows us what it truly is and if we understand what He is seeking in us, rather than us just expecting things of Him, He will help us to bear its challenges. That is why the prosperity gospel is absolute pap. There needs to be more credible and accessible explanations and courses of action, for the sake of everybody including charismatics.

It seems to be me, that most LGBT people who come to faith in Jesus, certainly within the UK evangelical culture in which I exist, still talk about experiencing same-sex attraction and choose to be celibate (Those who say that they are following Jesus and actively pursuing an LGBT lifestyle at that same time, aren’t Christians and I am not going to discuss that particular issue here). So, we have the two basic Christian views that seem to float around in culture and imagination:

I)              Over-the-top, all encompassing, instantaneous, spiritual theatrics/histrionics

II)            Celibacy

Celibacy is problematic though as it just says, “This is me and don’t ask question.” Although the way of dealing with it is different, this is basically the same thing as that that mainstream LGBT community says, often with extreme defensiveness, and there is a big reason for that. The thing that LGBT people fear above all other things is self-knowledge.

Self-knowledge is terrifying, because through self-knowledge an LGBT person will see that the person who is hurting them, the person who is humiliating them, who is filling their body with drink and drugs at the weekend (if they are that way inclined), who is causing their mental anxiety, who is generating these feelings of exclusion and who is preventing them from taking their role in God’s created order, is themselves. The sinful world has told them a lie about themselves, and they have believed it. They have not only believed it, they have run with it and through forging community with other LGBT people they have created a self-perpetuating social force that tells them that change is impossible, and any attempt to change is extremely damaging or laughable.

As these communities have sucked men and women in to them, grown ever larger and gained influence, they have taken it upon themselves to proclaim all science and psychology that suggest that homosexual or trans identity is even remotely changeable, linked to other mental health/personality disorders or liable to damage the individual further, have been irrefutably debunked. But they haven’t. My own lived experience show there is profound truths in much of the psychological writings of the pre-“liberation” era that have been excluded from contemporary discourse with such vehemence, it is almost impossible to access them, let alone hear them be discussed with any seriousness. There has been such a force of will and pressure from the LGBT community that they have managed to suppress the thought that these theories could have any truth in them at all. That is because discovering the truth in them is terrifying as it shows them that they are far less in control of their own bodies and minds than they think they are. This terror is as real for Christian LGBT people and those within the mainstream.

We can see this process happening just now with the gender-neutral debate. Previously, no one believed this thing existed as anything other than attention seeking linked in with certain pathologies, but slowly the debate is being crushed. Maintaining the idea that there even is a debate to be had, is portrayed as morally abhorrent. People become afraid to speak out. This is “not even up for debate” stance inevitably seeps in and affects the Christian world just as much as mainstream culture. Hence, I am not satisfied with the celibacy answer, because I think those who pursue it remain within the lie when greater and deeper recognition of your God-created reality is possible. And if full change proves elusive, at least there can come a greater ability to understand same-sex desire/LGBT-identity better and struggle with it less. To all intents and purposes, I am still celibate, and I don’t see that changing in the near future. But it’s not because I am resisting same-sex attraction, but because I am still beset with emotional issues from the past and I don’t feel able to cope with a relationship with a woman (again I will discuss this further later on). But more importantly I am saved, and I am not living within a lie that places a barrier between me and the true nature of reality anymore. In some ways, it is exactly like The Matrix. The world Neo wakes up can seem one hell of a lot harder to deal with than existing within the Matrix, but it is real, and that is profoundly more meaningful that living within the safe confines of a lie. And in reality, the lie is not safe at all. It cleverly disguises it dangers. Addiction issues, mental health issues, suicide, domestic violence, loneliness, anxiety, sexual promiscuity and narcissism are all far more prevalent in LGBT people than they are in the non-LGBT population. Their unacknowledged realties are screaming out against the lie that is being forced on to them, and this is without even going into the more metaphysical realms of damnation and exclusion from God’s Eternal Kingdom that lie will breed in time.

Christian celibacy is better, but it is not yet forceful enough to bring about the culture change that needs to happen. Ed Shaw has written a book called The Plausibility Problem, in which he discusses the problem of presenting celibacy as a plausible lifestyle choice for LGBT people as they seek Jesus. I think it is a huge problem, and it will always remain a minority choice. I think there is a more radical solution that even the church is now too afraid of. God create man and woman to be together. LGBT-identity is a lie, and we need to stop contributing to that lie. We need to undo it. Same-sex attraction is an issue deeply related to LGBT-identity, but it is also separate as it can exist independent of the LGBT-identity. Likewise, same-sex attraction is a lie. It is not part of God’s created order.  We need to undo that too, rather than preach repression. The solution to both lie in language and how people and feelings are described. This process of re-description is deeply disturbing, often very upsetting and above all, terrifying. The road down which I have travelled in the few years has often been hard to bare; and I have found myself gasping with desperation “but who am I then?” To endure such mental turmoil and chaos, the individual must have security in something larger than themselves. Therefore, whilst I believe that coming to faith and overcoming LGBT-identity/same-sex desire are separate things that require separate processes, I doubt that the latter transformation is possible without a total reliance and trust in the peace, love and purpose that God has provided for us.

God and the goodness of his created order are the medicine, but Pinocchio is right, they do seem more terrifying than the illness, even when the illness promises death. That is especially the case when that illness is sin of our own making. So, my last word is this; do not be afraid of the medicine. Although it may seem bitter thing to swallow at first, it is very good indeed.

[danmarkreid]

Discovering Stability in Chaos

“Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord. I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith.” (Philippians 3:1)

“I feel like nothing in my life is stable right now, that is except for my faith, marriage and key friendships.”

These words escaped from my lips recently on a Sunday evening. A group had collected, huddled around pieces of paper with the words “The Gospel According to Mark” etched across the top. We were engaging our minds and our hearts. Individuals were sharing their reflections and what it would mean if they truly acknowledge Jesus as king of their lives.

In a moment of confession, I bumbled out the above words. A weight began to lift off my shoulders but there was still fear and doubt lingering underneath. How do I find meaning in this crazy journey that I am on? Would the God who I had given my life and trust to be faithful? Would I end up alone? Would I end up as a failure? My mind said no, but my heart was not so sure.

As those following along know, it has been a crazy two years. I am only four weeks away from my two year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. In the course of this time I’ve had a son, had surgery, gone through radiation, gone back to work, seen my community implode and left my job. Now I am trying to figure out what to do with my life while in the background, preparing for a second child, and needing to make some major decisions around where we will live. I would never encourage someone to undergo so much transition at once, and yet, a lot of the change is out of my control. In many ways, it has been a prolonged season of loss and stress. Things are constantly being stripped away, bringing pain and grief.

During my sickness I read through Philippians. I desired to get an opportunity to study it in community to help reinforce the themes that I had learned. That opportunity came at the beginning of January of this new year. It is amazing how scripture can speak to you right where you are at in such profound ways. The words leapt off the page again.

In the book, Paul describes his spiritual resume and why, for many reasons, he should be one of the most righteous people. He has done everything right and been placed in the right place at the right time. What is shocking for the audience is when he says, “Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ.” (Philippians 3:8).

Paul has learned the example from his saviour who “Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” (Phil 2:6-8)

It is a season where things are being stripped away: facing my mortality, leaving an unhealthy workplace, and facing uncertainty about the future. In light of these things, there has been a lot of loss and a refining of who I am and my identity.

Paul writes with great certainty that nothing he could aspire to or achieve is greater than the privilege of knowing his God and suffering for him. As I reflect, I realize how far I still am from that point. I want to be perceived as successful in my career and known as a great pastor, teacher and leader. To lose everything to gain Christ, and only Christ, sounds attractive in a Bible study as an ideal but it gets contested the moment it ends. There is a battle for my soul and many days I am tempted to believe that I will end up alone or overlooked or with nothing to my name (as if the point were to build the kingdom of Dan in the first place). You can see how it unravels and underneath there is a vulnerable, scared, selfish and somewhat conceited man that I have to face in the mirror.

Could it be that the greatest call is to truly be content to lose it all and in the end only have Christ? That someone is actually searching for Christ all along when he or she pursues other narratives or things, unaware that He fulfills whatever need we are struggling to appease?

And yet, in my moment of weakness and confession, feeling like I am losing it all with nothing stable, a close friend offered wisdom. He remarked, “Isn’t odd that the only things you state that you feel you have that are stable (faith, marriage, close friends) are the very things that so many in society are actually deeply longing for?”

A strong, unwavering faith and worldview that grounds me and carries me through suffering and pain, providing meaning, purpose and hope at every step of the way. Steady relationships that provide support, nourishment, encouragement and loving truth. People that know my heart deeply and reflect back to me what they see, the good and the nasty. People that have not abandoned me or coiled back, even when I was at my lowest.

His words struck me and challenged me. In many ways I was gaining the very things I had always longed for, prayed for and strived for. Still, in the face of adversity there are still so many cracks in this broken down vessel that is me. More refining to be done, more purification needed, way more humility and selflessness to be birthed.

Two years of pain and suffering have been a great gift to me in so many ways. I think because it continually drives me to my knees. I am still amazed by how insecure I am in my gifts, in my passions, in my own beauty as a person. I am learning how much I need God and others. I am thankful that through the difficulties I am learning how to submit to Christ and die to my own desires. Hopefully Christ can teach me to empty myself like He embodied when He came to earth. One thing is certain, I am far from the point of being exalted, and that is undeniably best for everyone.

These revelations bring joy and gratitude. I am thankful for my marriage, for my health, for my friends, for those I get to walk with. It is crazy to think about how well I have recovered from my cancer journey physically. In addition, I am grateful for a chance to rethink church, career, where we will live and how we will approach it, even it it keeps me up at night and reveals how little I trust God. I am thankful for an opportunity to expand our family and learn to love another child, because Marcus has been such a gift and I treasure my time with him.

I think I’m learning how letting go and loss can actually create a gateway for joy and celebration. It’s still counterintuitive but so are most things in the Christian faith! Hopefully if I can let go of my own needs for affirmation and glory, I will understand more deeply Christ’s costly love for me and continue to be changed by it.

Here’s to 2018. A year of uncertainty, endings in some places and beginnings in others. May I have a better sense of how Jesus gives us his peace by the end of it. Hopefully I can continue to let go of some things and centre my life around the things that really matter. Thanks for reading and hopefully a new year brings you a sense of meaning and hope as well. Here’s to health, friendships, new life and learning through hard times.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)