#one of the most introspective things i've ever worked on probably.. almost feels weird to be sharing it LOL but it was very fun to make

[sydmarch]

seeing people on here designing their own skill sets had me soooo inspired to make one too. kept feeling like there was too much overlap between intellect/psyche and physique/motorics so i split mine into just mind/body. some ended up more heavily inspired by harry's skills than others which don't draw from them at all. none of the 'portraits' are actually portraits bcus for the way my mind works i felt more abstract/object based representations just worked better. full breakdowns of each skill, which of harry's it takes after if any, etc below the cut bcus long lol. image descriptions in alt are hopefully helpful i kinda struggled writing them since some of these were pretty abstract lmao.

SALESMANSHIP: one on one people skills. a bit of rhetoric, suggestion, drama, and empathy. reading people, debating, mimicry, understanding what people want and how to act to get what you want in return. represented as it is because sometimes when you're neurodivergent you owe the majority of your people skills to the training you once got on a sales floor. masking falls under this skill along with composure.

CONVERGENCE: people skills in group settings and crowdwork. the ability to find a group of friends anywhere from school to workplaces to parties where you only know one person. reading crowds and the feeling of safety in numbers. finding the best route through packed subway tunnels and sidewalks or leading your friends to barricade at a show. gets +2 from alcohol.

ACUMEN: learned information or book smarts. a mix of encyclopedia and logic. memory, information recall, etc.

WEB WEAVING: conceptualization, but with a heavier emphasis on connecting patterns and drawing parallels. understanding where your creativity comes from and how to connect things that inspire you in new ways. +2 from weed.

INTUITION: protective instinct. somewhat of a half light and inland empire mix. less of an emphasis on gut feelings and more on careful evaluations - often too careful & veering into overthinking. will keep you safe but will also make you paranoid.

CRAFTSMANSHIP: interfacing, but with a focus on tools/artistic mediums rather than machines. familiar mediums like sewing needles, palette knives, and mirrors feel like an extension of yourself. the ability to quickly pick up & acclimate to new mediums through trial and error.

COGNIZANCE: perception, but more than sight hearing and smell. heavy emphasis on touch and a higher than average sensitivity to vibration where many sounds can be felt more than heard. extremely sensitive color vision and innate sense of color theory. synesthesia. a clinical or practical awareness of the body.

FLIPPING EVERY BEETLE: a weird name for a weird and hard to describe skill lol. some of you already know the name comes from part of the clj lyric i have tattooed on my foot. whimsy, childlike wonder, unselfconscious enjoyment of things. allowing your body to lead you. an awareness of the body that feels positive and playful. gets a +1 from alcohol and a +2 from weed or molly.

COMPOSURE: the same as harry's (since I already identified pretty strongly with that skill as is - those who've seen my jacket know) but combined with pain threshold and endurance as I feel all 3 stem from a similar place. keeping emotions in check, nt masking, sitting unfazed through long tattoo sessions, using drugs without getting sloppy or sick.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY: once again, the same as harry's. sex and drugs, but also dancing and stimming. urges and impulsiveness. my version has very different ideas around sex and also different prioritization of substances where out of all the things i partake in alcohol is of least importance.

[eclaire-went-bam]

one thing that i've found interesting about narc abuse truthers, is that they very often claim a narcissist won't ever have the capability or self-awareness to search within themselves and understand something's wrong, because they're so full of themselves or they don't want to do the work

while simultaneously demonising the disorder and making it even harder for people to be comfortable with that sort of introspection?

i think in general, our society is really weird about vanity and confidence. you must be confident and have some ego, but if you give yourself too much a pat on the back, even if you're not being toxic about it, it's seen as strange, almost. maybe too much. especially if you don't frame it in some humble way, like "i think i did this well" or "i tried to look good"

most characters portrayed as disagreeable in media have some sort of ego and aren't humble about it, a lot of protagonists are either humble about it or have lower ego, or use it in charismatic quips.

so when someone hears "narcissistic" in "narcissistic personality disorder," there's automatically that "oh, the vanity" type of disgust— even without hearing about "narc abuse" and the like

that being said, who would want to be associated with that on it's own? that pool shrinks even more when most sites online have a very ableist general opinion on npd, or have multitudes of posts about "narc abuse"

if someone turned around and called a self-proclaimed empath a narcissist, would they like it? no? if someone turned around and called your average joe who isn't chronically online a narcissist, would they like it? no? what makes you think someone with undiagnosed npd would like it, especially when that actively makes them look like a worse person?

maybe if you changed the way you spoke about npd and stopped clogging google with narc abuse falsing, more people with npd would be less averse to looking into the possibility they may have it

even in their own ableist worldview, they are part of the problem they're talking about

oh also generally speaking i do think it should be normalised for egotypicals to not need to be modest about something they're super proud of. i feel like that's a good first step that'll just help everybody anyways.

cut for my personal experience. not that i feel uncomfortable sharing it, i don't, i just feel like i've already said what i wanted to say. some people may find this relatable though idk

npd was really difficult for me to consider because of this. i'd done so many hours of research and even then it took me a long time to be able to say this, not to mention even talking about it openly. although i was exposed to pro "scary" mental health conditions stuff before the ableist stuff online (by some miracle), i still did see the ableist stuff. although i knew it was all wrong, i couldn't help but shake the unconscious conclusion that "if i'm not this, then i'm better." i knew what others thought of npd, so my imaginary way of getting on people's good sides was to simply not have it. thats how i'd gain the admiration of others, even if realistically they'd never know this

even after i came to the conclusion "oh jeez i probably have this" — after multiple years of it impeding every aspect of my life in both positive and horribly negative ways — i couldn't bare the thought that i'd be marked until the day i die. i'll have this, until my brain becomes food for the earth. i have this bug, that no matter what, i can't scrape away. and what made it worse (better?), is that the bug was simultaneously saying "oh hell yeah now i'm more interesting and cooler than anyone else in this room !!"

i'm going to be a bad person forever, when i wanted to be admired by everyone. it doesn't matter what sort of way i act, because this is in my closet, i'm just a bad person (Rhetorical)

and now that i have accepted i might have this, i can't even get help for it after reading all the horror stories !!! so like...what now ? what do the narc abuse truthers reasonably expect me to do .

[dreamedge]

AO3 tag game :3

shout-out to @ragecndybars for the tag! <3 I got to think a lot about some older fics and also the deep, eternal impact CC has has on my soul, so I'm emotional rn lol.

How many works do you have on AO3?

21! Which is, a lot more than I thought tbh. I've been writing these long, long fics for so many years now that I've sort of forgotten about all the little ones I've managed in between. And even the long ones add up after a while. Though, I did only import a small selection of my fics from ff.net, so the back catalogue of stuff I've actually written is way longer. ... That's fine, some of that stuff can stay buried lol.

Even at 21 though... *Looks at my shoebox of story ideas and outlines* Its... its still not enough. Its, its just no where close to even making a dent in everything I want to write eventually.

What’s your total AO3 word count?

650,444. I'm pretty sure at least half of that is entirely in CC, and another quarter is in can i bleed. Which, tbh I'm not sure how I feel about that lol. Deeply introspective fics, my passion, my talent, my beloathed. Some part of me does miss simply writting 5k chapters and calling it done for a week. Not all of me though.

How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

Only 10! That number probably isn't going to grow much either. I tend to gravitate towards bigger projects these days rather than simple oneshots or even like, 5 chapter long stuff, so I tend to go all in on a small number of fandoms instead of spreading my attention around, even though I want to.

Cardcaptor Sakura

Digimon

Dragon Age Inquisition

Percy Jackson

Persona 3

Power Rangers RPM

RWBY

Teen Wolf

Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle

BNHA

Top five fics by kudos:

A Most Precious Thing (Tsubasa): tbh this being number one is an absolute surprise, though I'm very happy about it. According to AO3, this was published almost 10 years ago, will be 10 years exactly in just a few weeks, but people still regularly give it kudos and comments. It was a complete experiment, style wise; I'd never written anything like it before, I've written one thing like it since, and I'm just so thankful that people loved it so much despite the inexperience behind it.

Of the Woods (Teen Wolf/CCS): This being so high up is not a surprise, and I'm annoyed about it. Mostly bc I know its only so high up bc its for such a big fandom, written during said fandom's height. I think its probably one of the fic I've soured the most on since I wrote it; its just not that great.

Crests Corrupted (Digimon) : Oh, here it is. My masterpiece. Maybe its weird to say that of the fic that's only 3rd, but it truly is, and to see a fic I have put so much of myself into being even this high and this appreciated means so much to me.

can i bleed within your love (Persona 3) : Hi! I don't have much to say about this one, only that I'm so happy with the sheer outpouring of love this has gotten, and I can't wait to finish it.

True Feelings Chocolate (Digimon) : Oh, um, I sort of forgot about you. What are you doing here? ...This is awkward, I really didn't expect this to do so well. Its just a silly little fic I wrote for valentine's one year. I'm glad it did well?

Do you respond to comments?

I try! I don't succeed a lot of the time; generally I'm very tired after posting a chapter and then its been like two weeks and responding feels awkward. Also I tend to ramble, if you haven't noticed yet, some sometimes I'll just close out of responding to avoid any chance of me accidentally spoiling or saying something I shouldn't. I'm... working on it.

What’s the fic with the angstiest ending you’ve ever written?

Oh that's easy. Its the RWBY one, Your Love on Your Sleeve and Your Pain Buried Deep. I don't tend to write angsty fics, I like happy endings, I think this is the only one I've ever written and I'm glad to keep it that way.

Do you write crossovers?

I've written one before, the TW one that's up there. I generally tend to prefer fusions over straight up crossovers; I've gotten several P3 fusions planned, a PJ fusion, the bnha fic I wrote is a fusion. I just, I love fusions. I greatly prefer writing them over cross-overs generally.

Have you ever gotten hate on a fic?

Once or twice, but that was ages ago and I've mostly blocked it from my memory. The fandoms I'm in now have been full of such lovely people, I've been really lucky.

Do you write smut?

Smut, as in the fic happens to have a sex scene? Not typically, but I'm not against doing so when the need calls. Smut, as in the entire point of the fic in the sex scene? No. I'm actually very bad at it. I'll do it if I must but I find even writing kiss scenes awkward, let alone everything else. I will gladly leave it to people much better at their craft them I am.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

To the best of my knowledge? No I don't think so.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

I've had people offer? I don't know if they ever did or even if, in my general ineptitude when it comes to responding to people, I actually agreed they could.

Hey, if anyone wants to translate my works, feel free!

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

... Hey, thats not fair.

Hmmm, well, after much thinking I'm gonna go with Kurogane/Fai from TRC. Other ships may currently have their hooks in my brain, but kurofai is a big comfort to me still, I really love them. And lets be honest. Ain't no one doing it like those two.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish, but don’t think you ever will?

I have, its not posted anywhere, and technically I've barely started writing it, its almost entirely outline rn, but I do have a p3 fantasy au thats just... fucking massive. Its a huge project just from the outline i have, long even in comparison to CC, so long that I doubt I'd ever finish it to the point where I've barely started it.

What are your writing strengths?

Combat. I write a damn good fight scene and I know it. I take a lot of pride in that. I also tend to have a pretty solid grasp of pacing on an overall level for longer fics. Per chapter pacing gets a bit more eh, but the overall pacing of arcs and stuff for my longer fics, I generally know what I'm doing.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I never know when to shut the fuck up! This is a problem I've known I've had for years. I just let characters go on these long, internal monologues, which is only acceptable because I also write deeply introspective fics. However, it tends to slow chapters down a lot and after a bit, characters repeat themselves and its a problem.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fics?

I'm incapable bc I'm monolingual but I've always loved fics that use other languages! Maybe I can do that some day lol.

What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?

Yknow, if I dug far far far back in my ff.net account it would probably be Naruto? I think. My memory is fuzzy and I'm not actually going to go look. However, thats the first one I posted.

The *very* first fic i ever wrote, I have a very clear memory of for some reason. It was a FFX2/Series of Unfortunate Events crossover, I was in the fourth grade, I thought it was the coolest thing. Hm, memories.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written so far?

I actually have two answers for this, which, I know is against the spirit and rule of the question BUT. Too bad.

One is A Most Precious Thing, bc it was such an experience to write. Despite being 10 years old I still love it. It was, as I said above, an utter experiment. It is written entirely in 2nd person, which is not actually a choice? I made? Um, I tried, very hard in the beginning, to write in in my standard 3rd, and it didn't work. The story actively refused to be written as such and I kept ending up back in 2nd. And at some point I just gave up and wrote the rest of it as such. And it taught me, so much, about point of view and how that relates to emotional distance, and really, but trusting myself with my writing, that even if I can't say why this is happening, somewhere deep down there is a reason to it and I should trust that. As a writer who takes my craft very seriously, this one has a soft spot in my heart bc of all of that.

However, Crests Corrupted owns a piece of my soul that I will never get back. It is my thesis, my masterpiece, It has defined years of my life, I have poured hundreds of thousands of words into it, I have given it so much of my heart and my pain. It has redefined how I approach writing, it has shaped, totally, the style in which I write today. Even years from now, even years after I finally finish it whenever that is, I don't think I will ever be truly free of it. It is my favorite. How can't it be?

[tranakin-skywalker]

20 questions for writers

Was tagged by @jaguarys. Thanks for the tag!

How many works do you have on AO3?

14 so far. technically more because I have some orphaned works too

2. What's your total AO3 wordcount?

415,200 0.o

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Primarily Star Wars rn (the brainrot is strong). I have some Harry Potter fics that I put a lot of love and work into, but I haven't been able to engage with that fandom for... obvious reasons. I've also written for Bleach, Persona 5, Venom (the movie), Our Flag Means Death, and X-Men

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Enoument (Harry Potter)

Empiricist (Harry Potter)

Cytokinesis (Star Wars)

Star-Birth (Star Wars)

Ouroboros (Harry Potter)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to. Sometimes it takes me a while to get around to it, and when the comment is just something like "I loved it" or "great fic" I usually won't because saying thank you over and over again is, idk, kinda weird. Usually when someone writes a really in-depth comment or theorizes or asks questions I'll respond almost immediately. It's a lot easier to reply when it feels like there's a conversation, ya know?

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This is hard to answer since most of my fics are still wips lol. I'd say as of right now it'd probably be For a Son.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Again, same problem lmao. Also I don't tend to write happy fics.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

Not really. I've gotten a few where people would complain about not liking some of the things I did but I wouldn't really call that hate. Just entitlement.

9. Do you write smut?

I've dabbled but I haven't published anything.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Nah. I'd be open to it if the inspiration ever struck me though

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

I've tried it a few times with some friends but we never got far enough to publish anything.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

I don't think I have one. I'm open to basically any and every ship as long as I think they way the characters play off each other is interesting and compelling.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Sigh. Empiricist. I really do love that fic and had so much fun working on it. But it is... massive. 200k words and I'm only about 1/4 the way through the plot I had. Plus the huge difficulty I have with writing Harry Potter now... I just don't think I'll be able to go back to it any time soon.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Honestly I have no idea. Apparently I am very good at delivering gut punches? (if anyone wants to tell me what they think my writing strengths are, I'd love to hear it.)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Action. I don't think I'm very good at writing action at all. Also getting to the plot. I tend to get distracted by introspection and character studies and forget to the big plot points lol

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I think it works really well when used right. I really like it when you have a pov character who doesn't know the language, and you don't give the reader any translation for what is being said so that they are just as in the dark as the character.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Guardians of Ga-Hoole, back before I even knew what fanfic was. (I actually emailed the author to tell her about my silly little story that I had written myself inspired by her books. Apparently Kathryn Lasky didn't know what fanfic was either and was very confused by my email. I was like... 10 maybe?)

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

It changes. Star-Birth is up there because of all the cool things I've done with it and plan to do. Groundwater is probably going to be a close contender though

I can't think of anyone to tag atm but I'd love for any of yall to play and tag me. I wanna see what you're all writing

[whoslaurapalmer]

fic ask meme: 4, 5, 29

4) how many wips do you have right now?

hmmmmm. tough call bc i have so many wips endlessly vibing somewhere that i would like to get to!! but right now i am really trying to work on planning out college au but i feel weird saying just one wip???? especially because it is still just a plot wall!!! so

-college au. the thing about college au is that it takes a lot of laser focus and i can't work on much else at the same time bc i am trying to rewrite entire plotlines to work in a college setting and i have to try and keep everything together in my head without other work interference. -i have some little thoughts about lemonberry ice family times with the kids that i would like to make into just a fun little fic sometime soon -in terms of 'ones i'd sure like to get around sometime THIS YEAR,' sunny fic is also usually still very close to the surface of Fic Thoughts.

5) what's a fic idea you've had that you'll never write?

this is hard!!! because i want to write all of them!!!!!! i always want to!!!!!!! and even the ones i've said 'oh i won't do that' i've wound up writing lines for here and there, just to have a few things down, like the hamlet thing, my 1957 les girls fic, i've even got some lines for who fic around somewhere but i likely won't ever do more but even that exists, oh BUT

so i'm not writing naruto fic in this the year of our lord 2023 and i wasn't in then the year of our lord 2019 when i was struck by an idea but i will in fact not ever write this. i don't have the energy to naruto anymore. sometimes i wish i did bc i know almost exactly how i'd do this. but i do not. but i am occasionally soooooooooo irritated that no one has written like a...........good, post-og pre-shippuden fic about the genin and their lives after sasuke leaves and naruto goes to train with jiraiya, like just.......some good introspective character shit, not a lot of plot, one of those vibes fics with a nice song lyric title (which, would've been a lyric from one of the best naruto openings, what was it, opening......five? six?? oh it's six!!!! no boy no cry!!!!!!!!!!) with about like, ino being the only member of her team who didn't go after sasuke and having to watch shikamaru and choji come back and CHOJI ALMOST DIED, similarly tenten being the only member of her team who hasn't gone through a life and career threatening injury, i imagine shikamaru has to have nightmares given his emotional state after HIS FIRST MISSION AS A TEAM LEADER WHICH IS, I THINK, INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT AND VERY OVERLOOKED, and like, things about sakura being the only member of her team left in the village now (although i think there's some decent sakura-centric fics out there, but i want, more of all the genin, and them interacting with EACH OTHER) (i've watched a bit of boruto, like the more chill episodes, and the one where sakura says something like, "i just know, the people i was friends with when i was thirteen, they're still my friends now.'" and i think there's a lot overlooked too in the konoha nine/twelve/whatever friendships), just a lot of leaf village life stuff about the trauma these kids have gone through and like.......the ghosts they have to deal with, not just of sasuke but also naruto? even if they've left for different reasons? tsunade probably plays a big part in parts of the fic bc i think tsunade was sorely underused in canon as a character who could've LEGITIMATELY overturned the ninja system. i think the fics that focus on character and trauma and especially life in the leaf village are the most satisfying sort of naruto fic to read, for me. anyway.

29) Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

mayo, for you i must share my who fic lines, which, i don't think i've posted before?? as it turns out i have three little fic ideas?? the first one was My Very Intense Obsession With Letting Companions PILOT THE GODDAMN TARDIS, particularly rose

teach me how to do it, she does not ask, because he's definitely not going to tell her. the tardis is his, it's his thing, even if it should be their thing, but, so he won't, is what it is, not even if she asked. but she's not going to get stuck like that again, either, sent off with no way to get back to him. 

but rose isn't -- he tells her she's so clever, but it's not in the way it counts, is it? she watched the doctor pilot the tardis for, for however long it was before they were back on station 5, and when it mattered, when she needed to do it, she couldn't. and she should have, should have known which button to press, which lever to pull, which thing did what to get her back to him. she'd watched him do it and she couldn't, because she's not clever, not smart, she can't even pay attention right. fat lot of help she is. 

this is...............i think this is about ten, trying to i guess justify ten falling in love at the drop of a hat and specifically inviting them on the tardis which was occasionally in my humble onion not necessarily great but i could get behind it from this standpoint. it's a little repetitive i think bc i was feeling out the vibes

[but he falls just a little bit in love with everyone, doesn't he. how could he not? bright, beautiful people, stupid impossible terrible people, living their stupid impossible lives, impossible boring beautiful little lives, things mean so much to them, so many souls burning with this insistence to live, to help, to be. so important, each and every one of them, just by being lucky enough to be here, now, where they were. how could he not fall in love with a piece of each one? how could he -- how could he not want to hold them all so close to him where he could always see it, where he could always have them?]

i think i've said this before. we all know i want a peaks-style ten+tentoo doppelgangery identity confrontation. in, apparently, second person??

[you are no stranger to seeing yourself -- you've seen plenty of the previous yous, and, on some level, this is really no different, isn't it? if you want, you can think about that you as another one of them, a lesser version of this you, younger, not quite as -- well, good is not at all the word. but this one is just more you than looking at your past, because you are looking at you, this you, the current you, separate and alive and still you.]

[isobel-thorm]

I couldn't decide on a prompt so maybe “If you play that song one more time, I’m army rolling out of this car.” or “Really? Pinning me against a wall? You couldn’t think of anything more creative?” or “What? You’ve never seen a girl cry over macaroni and cheese before?” and Johnnic for the ship because tbh I've become such a hoe for them and your writing it's just so fantastic!!!!

For all you Johnnic hoes that give me life, another “Would’ve Been Perfect for the New Divide Epilogue But That’s Just Life” piece. Ridiculously Soft John with teeth-rotting fluff ahead.

Derived By Fools: 

A conversation with Nick gets John to get introspective, and Nic has to pull out the big guns to distract him

When little Carmina Rye’s eighth birthday rolled around, it had been a wake-up call to all of the adults that the Collapse allowed for very little when it came to celebrating a child’s birthday. Still, Nick was determined to throw the best party the New World would ever see, so he had gone as all out as he could. Most of the county had been invited. He had made the point ‘you don’t gotta bring anything, just try to make it the best day ever for her.’

Not one to do arguably nothing for her favorite (and only) goddaughter- Nicolette was determined to give the girl something. After searching for ages, she had managed to scrounge together some wood nails and paint, ruling that she was going to make a dollhouse. The finished product had come out lopsided in a few places, but it would work, function well, and it was the thought that counted, damn it.

John had come through by venturing to another bunker in the Valley where some of the residents’ including the Ryes’ old things had been dumped after he or his people had stolen them. He had found a few dolls from an early raid to go along with it, and then had found an old knit blanket that had in fact been meant for Carmina around when she was born. Whoever had made it had made it large so it would grow into it with years to spare into her childhood.

When they had shown up at the party with the gifts, Carmina had been ecstatic, more so about the dollhouse, naturally. She had immediately tugged Nicolette and Cal over to the side to play with it.

John had been left behind with Kim and Nick, considering they were far more interested in the blanket and the fact that John had been willing to risk opening old wounds in favor of bringing it.

They had explained that Nick’s mother had made it for Carmina, and she had passed not long after Nikki was born- just missing the Collapse by some miracle, even if the event itself was hardly one. Still, the sentimentality and the gesture were immense to them. Nick had yanked John into a long, quiet-but-loaded-with-emotion bear hug in response. Even Kim had joined in, but upon feeling and sensing John’s still-very-much-there issue with physical affection from people outside of his wife and son, she had backed up, patted the small of his back a couple of times and relented. It had taken Nick a solid minute extra to catch on.

After Carmina had roped Cal and Tommy Stone into playing with the dolls and dollhouse with her, the adults had gone into the Rye home- which had also remained in relatively good shape since the Collapse and was just about back to normal after repairs.

After a few minutes, Nicolette had seen Nick and Kim having a hushed conversation in one corner, muted by Sharky and Addie talking about how Xander had almost blown up the Marina because he had brought a match too close to a gas tank while drunk the previous week. She had given them a concerned look, and once Nick caught her watching, he merely winked and waved his hand dismissively before wandering over to John, who was in the opposite corner, talking to Jerome. Whatever he had said got drowned out by the other two again, and she watched curiously as Nick led John into the kitchen and out of view. She hadn’t expected to miss the openness of the place before they had to build walls to support it, but the suspense was killing her.

There was a series of metallic clanking every once in a while and Nicolette had wanted to investigate, but Sharky had looped an arm around her shoulders to relay the time that they had shot down a Chosen plane and it had gone straight into a shrine, sending the ‘whole damn thing up in the biggest fuckin’- shit, language- shit, I did it again- SORRY- blaze that you ever did see.’

It had been another few minutes before some smell that Nicolette couldn’t put her finger on wafted in from the other room. Kim came out after a few more minutes in order to get the kids to come inside.

And then the big question got answered, because Kim and Nick came into the room with a cake, and John trailed behind with a bowl of mac and cheese.

The kids merely shrieked in response, oblivious to the fact that everyone else was dead silent after seeing the mac and cheese, torn between laughing or not. They had all heard the ‘watery mac and cheese’ story. But this batch hardly looked watery at all.

Nicolette personally focused on the positive. They had included John after everything. The Ryes were making an effort to rebuild bridges. John was making an effort to atone for all his wrongdoings. Also, they had fucking made legitimate mac and cheese, which they hadn’t had in years and good God, she had missed it. She couldn’t wait to see how Cal liked it.

John caught on to the strange looks that came his way. “It was Joseph who made the batch from the barbecue,” he pointed out, but not without humor. Some mix of emotions passed in his eyes for a moment.

It took Nicolette a moment to realize just saying the other man’s name probably brought him back to weeks ago when Joseph had shown up at the Ranch, getting Cal’s attention from afar in order to bait John into leaving the house to investigate and discovering that his brother had found a way to a bunker, survived and wanted to change things between them- they were family, he needed his brother back and all that. The confrontation had almost gotten ugly, and John had lost sleep over it for a week.

She sighed, sidled over to him and took the bowl out of his hands. She passed it over to Addie, who seemed to put together that there was something only they knew that was bothering him, so she took over serving. Nicolette wrapped her arms around John and planted her chin firmly on his chest. “Hey. You good?” she leaned up to kiss him for good measure.

John sighed into it, then nodded. “I’m good,” he confirmed. He watched her for a moment and noticed her eyes were glossy side- and had been the second he had come around the corner. He stepped back in order to sit down in the chair behind him and pulled her down with him. “Are you?”

“What, you’ve never seen a girl cry over macaroni and cheese before?”

“Not at all,” John answered.

“Yeah, well, macaroni and cheese usually isn’t literal, an old favorite that the world’s prevented you from having for years. Or, ya know, a metaphor for you and the rest of these guys getting along.”

John scoffed, though there was no animosity behind it. “What’s with you, Whitehorse and the metaphors?”

“Dunno. I just get it from him.”

He scoffed again, then bumped his nose against hers in a show of affection that had everyone staring.

Hurk, however, was the only one ballsy or stupid enough to ask. “So… can I ask how this happened? Like how y’all went from tryin’ to kill each other to bein’ all in love n’ shit? ‘Cause all the people who weren’t in the know got was that ‘Joseph’s the Actual Snake’ video and like… word a’ mouth stuff.”

Addie snickered behind her glass of water. “Well, after Joseph went and betray him I imagine the turnin’ point in their relationship was their little rendezvous at Landsdowne. I mean, what could’ve been going through our girl’s head other than ‘pinning me up against that wall and fucking me, John, you couldn’t think of anything more creative’?!”

“ADDIE!” Nicolette objected over the mixed reactions of uneasy embarrassment or enjoyment the statement got- first and foremost in her brain was naturally Earl choking on whatever drink he was in the middle of taking as he finally found out the answer to the question about Landsdowne’s importance in their lives that he had wondered about for years.

“I’m right though, aren’t I?” Addie teased. “I mean, after all that cat and mouse you two boned against a wall. And from what I literally heard it was just a quickie. Sounded awfully vanilla to me after the weird piny shit you two got up to.”

“ ‘We’, hm?” John countered quickly, fully ready to change the subject by small tangents bit by bit if he had to.

“Oh, honey, you were her ‘f-word’ in our game of ‘F’, Marry-”

“Addie!” Nicolette repeated and threw an empty can at the woman for good measure.

John, however, finding an opening to avoid getting too deep into their history: “Oh, was I now?”

“You were everybody’s…’F’. Even Addie’s, for good measure. And Sharky’s, for the record. And Grace’s-”

“Mother or not, I can and will kill you,” Grace cut in from the back of the crowd.

It was enough to break whatever awkwardness had started up between everyone. The rest was broken when the kids came barrelling down the stairs, with Nikki, donned in her grandmother’s blanket tied around her shoulders like a cape, chasing the boys. She was yelling about being ‘Super Rook’ catching the bank robbers.’

Cal was very determined to make the point that ‘Super Rook’ was actually his mom so he would ‘get out of jail’ quickly.

Nicolette immediately joined in the chase, citing that ‘two Super Rook’s were better than one.’

Cal had been absolutely delighted at the betrayal.

By the time sunset rolled around, most of the crowd had dispersed, and the Ryes, Raylans, Jerome were the last ones left, crowded around the fire. Each family got one of the chairs, large enough to accept them because Nick had been determined to make adirondack chairs larger than the ones that had been at Johns ranch.

John had risked making a joke about Nick compensating for something, and Nick had come back at him by simply motioning at the Yes sign on the horizon, and that had promptly shut John up, but to everyone’s surprise it was in good humor. 

It had started off as shooting the shit with everybody about current issues before they were all a couple of drinks deep and itching to share memories from their time before the Collapse.

After a while, Nicolette had fallen asleep, leaning on John’s side and Cal was out cold draped across his chest. Carmina was curled up against Nick’s side, about to nod off herself, and the two men were just enjoying the peace of the night. Kim and Addie were on the other side of the yard, coming up with a joint travel business to get things back to normal again.

Something about the whole situation got John thinking about the past. Rescue me from all my sins, let me not be derived by fools. He had lived by that once. He was desperate to hate the woman who had forced him to quote it- to make it a mantra. The same woman who let him in; who let him love her and who let herself be loved by a monster. He had thought he was the fool once after Jacob’s death, after spending a while thinking they were the fools. He had fought tooth and nail against the love in his heart disguising itself as lust and begrudging respect. He had been right the first time. She and the others had been the fools. And they had rescued him from his sins. His heart ached in the best way and pulled Cal closer in response to ground himself.

Nick caught the look and smiled weakly. “Never thought this would’ve been a thing that happened after all this, huh? All of us sittin’ around a fire, enjoying each other’s company? Letting our kids hang out together? You havin’ a kid. With the Deputy.”

Deputy. It had been so long since he had heard that title said with such reverence. He had almost forgotten about how that was a constant in his vocabulary back then, spat with venom seeping from the word each time.

And now here the object of such strife was, curled up against him- his wife, mother of his child, his other half in so many other ways than just sharing their sin.

He hummed in agreement. 

They sat in silence for a while before Nick broke it again. “You ever miss it? Life before the Collapse?”

“I didn’t have much of one before these two, so no,” John answered. 

Nick gagged dramatically. “Don’t let Kim hear that, she’ll never think I do or say anything romantic ever again.”

“I think she’d understand.”

Nick squinted. “Hold on, you were rolling in money and you don’t consider that much of a life?”

“Nicolette never told you…?” John asked.

“Told me what?” Nick asked.

John exhaled sharply. She hadn’t gone blabbing about his childhood to anyone. There had been no sympathy gained from his history. He had earned his spot back with them, too. “I… wasn’t sober enough to remember most of the ‘good things’, and then… before I was ‘rolling in money”, well, let’s just say I wish I could forget.” He looked down at his family. Even after all these years he couldn’t wrap his mind around that word. “I owe all this to them…”

Nick hummed after a moment of dead silence, then leaned back. “You’re alright, John. Never thought I’d say that, but… Hell, you ain’t who you used to be.”

Thank God, John agreed, though he kept it to himself. After a while, he sighed. “After all this time, I’ve never apologized to you.”

Nick looked uneasy for a second, “For what?” he asked, though it was clearly more a question on what single item on a list of many he was apologizing for. He wasn’t playing stupid. 

“I… there were…” John sighed. “There are things I did back then… if I could go back, I wouldn’t change them. I’d do them again. I was… trying to make all of you see reason, to see things our way, regardless of whether or not what Joseph said ended up being true-”

“Yeah, well, look who ended up being right in the long run. That’s on us,” Nick replied quietly. 

“No it’s not. You were protecting your people,” John argued, then sighed. “That’s not- I meant… during… this one’s Atonement, I threatened you. I threatened your wife and unborn child. I didn’t… know, I didn’t understand… not until this,” he tilted his chin down at his family. “And I… I would die if anything happened to them, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Including you back then. So… that’s… if it’s one thing I’m gonna apologize for, it’s that.”

Nick stared at him for a while, then shrugged. “Well, I don’t think I could ever exactly forgive you, but you’ve made up for it by now, Partner. Just don’t fuck it up and relapse.”

“I’d rather die than do that, too,” John assured him.

“Yeah, well, don’t do that either, it’ll break Nic’s heart, and if that happens I’m obligated to bring you back to life to beat your ass back to death,” Nick countered.

“Deal,” John agreed.

Nicolette stirred and lifted her head from John’s shoulder. “What’re you roping my husband into, Nick?”

“World domination, then space travel- and space domination. Why, you want in?” Nick asked.

“Well, I mean I am the one with the resume citing taking control of an entire county,” Nicolette pointed out.

“We helped a little,” Nick teased.

“Teeny bit,” Nicolette digressed. She stretched. “We should get going. Gotta see about those new police recruits soon.”

“You mean Rook won’t be Rook for much longer?” Kim asked as she and Addie ventured over to them.

She shrugged. “Can’t be the new girl on the block forever.”

“But you’ll always be our Rook,” Addie pointed out.

“I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Nicolette replied playfully, then untangled herself from John. She gave Cal a couple of pokes on the back as she went. “Hey, Little Man…”

Cal stirred, then blinked up at them.

John grinned. “Ready to go, Buddy?”

“Do we have to?” Cal asked.

“We’ll see them in a couple of days. They’re not far,” John insisted.

“What’s in it for me?” Cal asked after a moment.

John scoffed. “You’re your mother’s son, alright. How about… a race to the car?” John suggested.

“Deal!” Cal agreed, wide awake at the promise of the game, and immediately launched himself off of his father and bolted, headed for the pickup truck on the other side of the yard.

“Cheater!” John called before hopping up to chase after him.

“There’s him being his father’s son,” Nick mused.

Nicolette beamed, and then with a quick goodbye to the rest of them, headed for the truck. By the time she had made it, Cal was already rambling on about his victory in the race, and John was giving him that same patient, loving, prideful look he usually did any time Cal did one of his rambles.

She got in the driver’s seat and started up the truck, beaming away when Cal leaned forward to give a play by play of just what he had done to ensure he won the race. Apparently John’s leg had just happened to cramp up a couple of times- John had hidden his answering smirk behind his hand at just how hilarious Cal had found his father’s completely accidental blunder.

It didn’t take much of the short ride home to have Nicolette notice just how quiet John had been once he had turned back to look at the road, though. He was clearly lost in thoughts, but troubled all the same. She had seen that look on him several times- first and foremost when he had first tried to get a confession out of her. She reached over to turn on the radio to provide another distraction.

“-keep us safe, he’s gonna march us right to Eden’s gate, Oooh-’”

Not the worst happenstance when a radio turned on with a terribly timed song in her life, but not the best either. She glanced John’s way to see the man did drift out of his thoughts, only to look murderous. “John-”

John lunged for the comm radio in the corner, turned to a different channel and leaned in.. “Wheaty, if you play that song again I am rolling out of this fuc-  car, and if the impact doesn’t kill me I’m coming to-”

“Easy, man! It was an old playlist, I don’t know how that happened, I swear! The second it came on I’ve been looking for something to switch it to.”

“Get. It. Off.”

“Okay, Okay!”

The line went dead, there was a horrible electronic crackle sound from the car radio, and it immediately switched to Bad Moon Rising.

John groaned, then shook his head. “Thank you.”

“You got it.”

The other line was silent, so John slipped the radio back into its holster.

Nicolette sighed. “Sounds like it was an accident, it’s not like he did it on purpose. You wouldn’t have known it was even on if-”

“I just didn’t need that reminder of back then after today.”

She frowned as they pulled up towards the main driveway of the Ranch. “Did Nick say something?”

“No, he didn’t. Well, he did, but… not against me.”

She sighed, letting the rest of the ride go in silence until she parked the truck up front.

Cal, upon seeing that Uncle Sharky had been back home for a while, Cal tore out of the truck, ran over and launched himself at the man.

Sharky, ever the perfect uncle and former stand-in father, caught him around the middle and brought them both falling to the ground, laughing and insisting ‘aaah, you got me!’ all the while.

She watched them for a while until she realized John still hadn’t moved. She looked back at him.  “Talk to me.”

“It’s nothing,” he murmured.

“Hey.You’re the one that said no more lies,” she insisted. 

“Nick and I talked about… before. I just thought about what could have been if some meddling Deputy didn’t decide I was going to be a bargaining chip is all.”

“Ooooh. Been a long time since I’ve heard that word come out of your mouth.”  

John scoffed weakly, then sighed. “I would’ve been half dead or worse… thrown on the ground again, half dead, and… “ he was cut off when she leaned over to kiss him, and as per usual he melted right into it.

She pulled back. “Yeah, well thank God for the Tree Incident.”

He scoffed again. It was true. Things had changed with them because of a fucking tree.  Because she had fucked up and gotten stuck- a new spin on their cat and mouse game- she was the cat that literally got stuck in a tree,  but counted on him rescuing her just to play to his audience that consisted of her and her alone. She had manipulated the shit out of his interest in her that she had known about, and he had fallen for it. And that event had stayed his hand in killing her just as much as it had hers the second she tackled him to the ground on that hill and screamed at him to stop rather than shooting him in the chest like she should’ve. 

He had never really thought about it like that. He owed being alive wholly to Nicolette, but that damned tree was partially responsible, too.

It was awfully humbling to know that one owed their life to a tree. 

It was saying something that the damned tree had managed to stay standing in those seven years after the bombs. It was singed to all hell and dead, but still there, ever resilient. There was another metaphor in there somewhere, too. Now Earl was influencing him. He didn’t mind in the least.

“Now, do I get my husband back, or do we have to tell Sharky that he’s on babysitting duty until I knock some sense into you?” she touched her forehead to his.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to other methods of convincing,” he pointed out.

It was her turn to scoff. “You know that I know you’re deflecting, right?”

He sighed, then with some difficulty maneuvered her over to him so she was in his lap. He kissed her. “I love you.”

“Still deflecting.”

“Still love you,” he countered and leaned in again. He rolled his eyes when she drew back and pressed her fingers into his lips to silence him.

“You ended up worth it. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I owe you my life,” John pointed out.

She smiled. “And I don’t intend on collecting. So stop thinking for once in your goddamn life you owe me.”

He sighed. “Fine,” he agreed. Then, wordlessly he looped an arm around her, pulled her flush against him, opened the car door and got out, holding her to him.

Nicolette let out a noise that was half alarm, half protest. “Right, because this is entirely inconspicuous.”

“Cal’s not gonna understand, and Sharky’s seen it and partaken enough to know what we’re about to be up to. So I like the babysitting plan,” John countered. “And I have to go thank my wife for my life, anyway.”

“ ‘Can’t think of anything more creative’ to say?” Nicolette countered, parroting what Addie had made her hypothetically think earlier in the day.

“Never heard a complaint out of you yet.”

They crossed the yard, waved off Sharky’s very knowing grin and eyebrow waggle as they made it into the house.

Once they got into their bedroom, John practically tossed Nicolette onto the bed. She laughed in response, then met him halfway when he moved to kiss her again. He pulled back after a few moments and got lost in thought again when she offered him a loving look. He wasn’t sure if it was the booze or having thought about the time before the Collapse earlier, but now everything wa in a different focus. Part of him had always loved his Deputy in some way shape or form since he had escaped his bunker the first time. But she was right, everything had changed in the span of minutes over a stupid mistake, and when he thought things had gone to shit, when Eden’s Gates had been closed, he had mourned the loss of one life but gained so much in a new life.

He was barely aware of her running her fingers through his hair before she resorted to tapping him on the forehead to gain his attention. He snapped out of it.

“What happened to no more thinking?”

John risked looking apologetic before he leaned in again- only to be pushed back lightly. He arched an eyebrow at her.

She sighed. “Alright, fine. Try this on for size, considering there’s no getting through to you otherwise tonight. Was gonna tell you this in a few days but now you clearly need the distraction. You sir, need to stop with the angsty introspective stuff because we’re gonna have another life around here before long, and I can’t have all that negativity around when we do.”

“‘Another li’…?”  John trailed off. Realization set in, doing exactly what she had counted on the news doing. He glanced down at her abdomen, then back up to her.

She beamed. “You’re gonna be a dad again.”

He blinked at her a couple of times, then immediately crushed his mouth to hers quickly, before the questions started piling up in his brain and he had to pull away to ask them.  “How far… when…?”

“Couple of months, so… if I’m doing the math right, our little uh… visit to the Yes sign.”

“… Addie is never finding out about that little detail. Or that that happened.”

“Oh God, no.”

“I’m gonna be a father again…” he murmured. His heart clenched. She was pregnant. They were going to have another child. Cal had turned out to be the best accident in his life. And now another miracle in its own right had happened. And this one was more or less planned, they were actually together and not on the brink of something that was still dotted with hatred. They were continuing the New World, helping it’s future. His family was going to grow. He was near beside himself. And then it hit him. The second moment of clarity in his life. He was in love, had people to love, and he was loved. And he was happy. This was pure, unadulterated happiness. The thought that Joseph was right again drifted into his head, but even that didn’t deter the absolute high he was on. It had taken him the better part of nearly eight years to realize it, but that’s what that feeling in his chest was that he couldn’t put his finger on because it was just short of unrecognizable. He had been robbed of it for so long, and here it was, staring him in the face. And just like he had on the kitchen floor all those years ago, he laughed- but now it was for an entirely different reason. The best reason. Unable to articulate anything else, he pulled her into another kiss.

Derived by fools, indeed.