#or anxceit adjacent anyway

[creative-lampd-liberties]

I read the previous post and then, um, wrote an essay apparently.

I have a hypothesis that Virgil and Janus are both Thomas's Self-preservation, and that this is what sits at the root of their conflict with each other.

They're not both Self-preservation in the same way the twins are both Creativity, because there are always two aspects to self-preservation in people. The instinctual, hind-brain, internal drive to survive; Virgil. And the more conscious, front-brain, social need to not be ostracized; Janus.

Over time they became Anxiety (specifically "heightened") and Deceit, because those were the primary mechanisms by which they kept Thomas safe.

Character Thomas being heavily based on actual Thomas means that we can pretty safely assume he grew up a gay kid in the southern US, in a catholic family. I can speak from experience when I say that no matter how loving or supportive your immediate family is, that can leave some serious trauma. It's a scary situation to be in when you're young.

So Self-preservation told little Thomas that he was different and different is bad. People might hurt you if you're different. You should avoid letting people know you are different. You should hide who you are. You should avoid situations that might make people question you. And when directly asked, you should lie. Do these things so you can be safe.

And for a while, Virgil and Janus were probably in accord, more or less. But as Thomas got older and learned more about the world and himself, something changed. Sometimes the coping mechanisms we develop to survive negative situations no longer serve us. Thomas came out, and he was embraced by his loved ones. He built a community and a support network of people who loved him for who he was. He was safe, or at least as safe as anyone can be.

Avoiding uncomfortable situations or conflicts, hiding who he was, didn't serve the person he was becoming. And Thomas began working on unlearning those less than helpful coping strategies. 

And he started with Anxiety, because oftentimes fear responses are the easiest to identify. And the only way to release unhelpful coping mechanisms is to acknowledge them and the role they played in keeping you safe, to accept the positive and necessary origins of them. Anxiety is Self-preservation. Anxiety keeps you safe, keeps you alive. Sometimes Anxiety just needs to be channeled into different coping strategies.

Virgil is accepted.

But unlearning coping strategies doesn't happen overnight. And Virgil is terrified of going back to being "part of the problem." And Thomas is still afraid that some of his less healthy coping mechanisms and less palatable traits make him a bad person. 

And lying is one of those things still viewed as inherently morally wrong by society. And lying as a defense mechanism has probably caused Thomas a fair few problems. And Virgil is still the instinctual part of Self-preservation. It's a very black and white reactionary trait. There is danger, or there isn't. There is a tiger in the room, or there's not. To Virgil, Deceit is still "part of the problem" to be dealt with the way one deals with a tiger in the room.

For his part, Janus also realizes that regularly lying is not a helpful coping mechanism. It's why he's encouraging Thomas to be more honest with himself. That's where you start to dismantle that habit. Because if you're not honest with yourself, it's a lot harder to recognize when you're lying to keep yourself safe. But he rejects the notion that Thomas can never lie to protect himself, because that would also be unhealthy. Janus isn't wrong here. If your life is at risk when you tell the truth, lying is morally neutral.

Also both of their jobs are made significantly harder because Virgil used to work with Janus and now he treats him like the enemy. Janus feels attacked and afraid, abandoned and judged, like Virgil did a 180° on him. And Virgil feels like he's losing hard won ground in helping Thomas. Which is a really great metaphor for the way it feels when your new coping methods bump up against your old ones. 

Janus isn't fully accepted. Yet.

Thomas hasn't yet learned all the coping skills he needs to solve that conflict within himself. But he's getting there. Virgil and Janus have both acknowledged that the way they used to function to keep Thomas safe, isn't healthy anymore. They're both trying to change the way they do their jobs. They just haven't figured out how to work together going forward. That will hopefully come with time.

Anyway that's my take. 

[iclaimedtobethebetterbard]

I'd love to know more about you & i were fire, fireworks (that went off too soon) and/or morningstar 👀

-the-sympathetic-villain (this is my main blog 😆)

EEEEE okay cool cool SO

(also hi friend!! i am very silly and just realized i wasn’t following you?? i totally thought i was already omg hkfghsdkjghksdfgh) 

morningstar is currently very very vague and conceptual BUT. i am a patreon (im not about to say spoilers or leak content, nobody freak out) and on a recent-ish livestream that will eventually be a video on the ts & friends channel, there was a thomas & davi interaction relating to the sides that gave me some EXCELLENT ideas for some kind of intruality oneshot with like some very cute pet names and suchlike. so i am going to hold back this one and wait to publish it until that video is publicly available. but this fic is definitely happening at some point. im thinking i will maybe incorporate the specific ideas i got off the livestream into some kind of fluffy human au with some really cute trope like coffeeshop or florists or something like that. i am very excited about this one bc i have been WANTING to ship intruality for the longest time (in a “gotta catch ’em all” way, it was like almost the last ts ship i hadn’t figured out how to personally ship yet fkhdskjsd) but i just couldn’t quite conceptualize the dynamic in a way that i liked that also felt true to the characters, and im finally getting there i think!! like it’s not one of my top ships, but im starting to get a feel for what kinds of takes on it i like and would want to write. and im happy about that. and this story will be SO fluffy yall have no idea it will be the TOOTHROTTINGEST fluff hksfhjdfg

you & i were fire, fireworks (that went off too soon) is me being an absolute GLUTTON for any type of anxceit drama and angst, especially angst that features either mutual pining or else one-sided pining, especially especially if it’s from janus. i am of the firm opinion that fourth of july by fob is an AMAZING anxceit angst song & so this is a songfic i’ve been wanting to write for ages. in my head i call it a oneshot, but given my propensity to write literal actual novels at the least opportunity, i suspect it will not actually be a oneshot by any reasonable definition of the term. i would not be surprised if it winds up in the range of ~10k. it will be somewhat canonverse ish or adjacent. the premise is that janus stays up too late and, as people are wont to do when that happens, makes a somewhat poor decision; in this case, he takes a trip down memory lane while listening to virgil’s music to purposely make himself sad. so then there are a bunch of flashback scenes interspersed with lyrics and the readers get to see anxceit’s relationship progressing from “cute and fluffy and in love and they mean the world to each other” to watching them fall apart, until virgil angrily leaves. then we’ll jump back to the present for the final scene and janus will cry all alone in his room bc i am mean >:) 

here is a lil excerpt from the opening scene of that one: 

He knew it was late; the clock on the wall ticked faintly, a noise that was normally soothing but now made him squirm slightly with guilt as it reminded him, second by second, that he was violating his bedtime routine. He knew that—was well aware, even—and yet he remained seated, thoughts floating through his head that he didn’t quite dare put into words.

Melancholy, perhaps, would be a word one could use to describe his state of mind at the current time. No doubt made worse by the lack of sleep that he couldn’t get off his own back about, even as he did nothing to solve the problem. He knew the best option would be to go to bed, and he’d feel better in the morning or at least be in a clearer state of mind, but he didn’t want to do that.

What he wanted to do was very stupid and childish and beneath him. Obviously. And he wasn’t considering it even a little bit. He hardly even wanted it, anyway. It was really more of a whim. One he obviously could—and would—resist. Any second now.

Janus groaned and put his head in his hands.

ask me about my wip fic titles!