#or just keep living life as normal as if things arent fucking insane right now

[timehascomeagain]

stressin about the state of this country😵💫

[urmomification]

SWAG ANOTHER DREAM SMP AU FIC IDEA THAT ILL NEVER WRITE POG

this is a very long post please im so sorry my brain it just

(tw for like slight possession n shit)

(sorry its all jumbled i write all of these in discord to my friend and copy paste them here please if u have questions ask me im always willing to talk abt this shit please it haunts me)

(context: i saw a tiktok abt the hc that both dream and techno are gods of some sort bc theyre mentioned in the tales of the smp by karl a time traveller and my brain just ran w it)

going back to the techno and dream are gods thing right so dream is a vessel for the god dream xd (??? work in progress youll know what im talking about at some point its really funny tho uve def seen clips of it) and he was possessed?? by the god after the server started (when he started going from super friendly with everyone to control/power hungry) when he started sacrificing everything for power so no one could have power over him? that was the god making him do it bc the god was terrified of not being in control since theyd lost it all to techno in their past. thats why we never see dream and techno fight and why we see dream extend help and support to him at times as well as respecting his boundaries and such bc theyre scared of techno (again w the best of 10 duel reference, techno killed the god in a past life which is why the god has been forced to use a human vessel to get anything done on the mortal plane) but when something that powerful spends pretty much any amount of time in something mortal and mundane like a person, the host body starts to change (hence the mask) i like to think that the god would be akin to that of a biblically correct angel?? like the ones w multiple eyes n shit yk so after time things start to happen to normal dreams body he gets extra sets of eyes and he gets taller and overall his body seems just Too Small for whatevers inside of him and thats why he (hc) started wearing the mask in the first place he knew something was wrong w him but he didnt want anyone to know even tho they would most likely help him he was ashamed that he was different in the first place so he started wearing the mask once the other eyes showed up. and i think that the god would talk to dream similarly to how technos voices work yk? except its just the one voice instead of many many small ones. and again with the mask thing when he lost to tommy and they took him in, part of his mask broke to the point where u could see just a bit of the right side of his face but enough to see that it Wasnt Right there were two eyes where there shouldve been one and spots on his cheeks bright enough to resemble stars and where the color of his pupil should have been is just a sickeningly neon green with nothing else behind it. so they let him keep the mask even tho they already know something is wrong but it clearly makes him Very Distressed when asked to remove the mask or told to give it up. blah blah blah god harassing its host bc it got them caught and thrown in a prison and dream goes ever so slightly insane having to share a mind and body with a literal ancient god w a vendetta against everything hes built whos forced him to sacrifice everything he loved and cared for out of fear yk the usual prison shit and then techno comes a long and breaks him out or whatever but on their way back to his house he drops a really cryptic line abt how 'its nice to see an old friend again' and 'i thought i got rid of u for good last time' and dream is just ???? what are u talking about?? weve never been friends and youve never gotten rid of me? what. until techno spins around and just 'im not talking to you im talking to the thing inside u' or whatever and dreams eyes flash some brilliant gold or sumn and boom this is ur fellow god speaking how may i help you and dream xd (that feels so wrong to say but) and techno bond or well ig just talk abt how the past centuries have gone and ig while xd is fronting (??? i think itd kinda be like DID in a sense w multiple people being able to front yk?) dream is in a sort of semi conscious state but still hears everything going on around his own body until hes thrown back into the drivers seat (i think that xd would only be able to front for short periods of time due to the vessel n shit that makes sense right) and hes so confused someone please help him hes just a dude who happened to get possessed by a god someone help him so when they finally get back to technos house he sits dream down and explains the best he can without literally melting dreams brain. which would also play into the 'technoblade never dies' bc hes. literally a god. mortals cant kill him unless they have idk some sort of super weapon idk and blah blah blah xd gets what they want and finally has the ability to leave finally leaving dream literally the shell of a man with no home friends materials or anything with techno to basically take care of him until he reaches some semblance of stability again (which would take ages, realistically (wdym realistically) going from normal, to a god sharing a body with you and speaking in you brain living as a single being together and hearing their thoughts, to back to normal but with all the memories of what you did and what they made you do and also no more god speaking in ur head it would take a hot sec to recover from) so he lives with techno (whos, not to mention, another god) for a while until he can fend for himself again and after a good year or so passes and no one hears from dream they start to look for him and see what happened bc he went from the biggest threat on the server to just. gone. no one knows where he went after whatever he did and they want closure. is he dead?? who knows. so george and sap set out looking for him and decide to ask techno for help since hes good w directions n shit also he was the last person to see dream alive so he might have an idea of where he is and they walk up to his house and knock on his door and techno opens it and just stares at them he knows who they are, dreams talked about them before but hes never met them really so he talks to them, getting through the polite hellos how are yous before sap finally asks 'do you know what happened to dream? no one knows where he went and we just want closure' techno huffs and tells them to wait there he (this is the basement door im using his arctic tundra house in my head) goes down the ladder to the second basement, they can hear him talking to multiple people (ranboo phil dream) but cant tell who everyone is before coming back up the ladder, back to the door. he tells them to wait outside he needs to get something first (its dream hes getting dream) theyre standing out by carls stable when the door creaks open and dream steps out looking around for who the fuck could possibly be looking for them he betrayed everyone and most people thought he was dead who could possibly be here asking for himself and not ranboo or philza and when he steps out, his green hoodie (memento made by ranboo to help him cope w the loss of the voice in his head) catching the morning light off the snow and he was happy and then he saw them standing by the house hed grown to call home at least for now he breaks. he missed them so so much it hurt. he never expected to see them ever again much less them come looking to see him but hes scared he realizes he doesnt know what to say there is nothing to say he fucked them all over he ruined everything and then hes being hugged. they missed him too. they dont forgive him jsut yet but they missed him and thats enough for him right now. the three of them stand there just being in each others presences and techno creaks the door open to make sure they arent trying to kill each other and sighs and leans against the frame smiling. hes happy again and thats the best he can do for him. he invites them all in and offers to explain everything to them to try and ease the blame off of dream bc in all honesty it was his fault but xd made it far far worse that it should have been (a bit late but foot note abt xd i think that they would be an idle god until someone w intense feelings of powerlessness and insecurity like awoke them from their techno induced slumber and inhabited dream to help him fulfill his desires for power and control) and by the time he and dream are finished its late at night and sap and george are ??? so u were possessed by a god who techno killed centuries ago in a duel and it amplified ur feelings of insecurity and ur thirst for control to the point of isolating urself from us and destroying everything everyone cared abt?? also technos an ancient god who lusts for bloodshed but also makes turtle farms in his free time?? are we getting this right????? and techno and dream are just yea thats abt it glad this all made sense then they all go to bed (its a small house dream has a lil shack like ranboos and sap and george somehow slept over there for the night) and in the morning sap and george leave again but promise to come back, they still arent ready to forgive and forget bc even tho it wasnt all his fault his emotions getting away from him is what caused this all in the first place so they do need time to process now that they know he isnt dead and dream continues to live near techno in almost full independence and eventually moves back with his friends even tho many still hate him. hes happy and for now thats enough. another foot note; even after xd leaves his being, he still has the extra eyes, glowy freckles n is xtra tall n shit that cant just be reversed but now that hes himself again these things take their tolls on human bodies so i think hed have something at least similar to arthritis bc of how his bones were literally manipulated bc of how strong ethereal magic or whatever is. so he would still wear the broken mask but he takes it off now and is ok with it being off hes working on getting better now that hes himself again and everyone living w/by techno is helping him with that. also i think that he would get blinks of xd's memories like from when techno was killing them and have sumn like ptsd panic attacks from it and techno feels super guilty abt it but theres literally nothing he can do except apologize and after the first few times dream stopped him from apologizing bc it is his fault but he didnt do it to him so it doesnt matter to dream at least and they live in pretty much harmony until dream finally moves back in w george and sap the end. he also started wearing the mask in the first place bc of the extra eyes but he played it off as being uncomfortable around new people and not wanting them to know what he looked like until he trusted them (bc that literally makes sense irl how funky is that) so sap and george never pushed him and when they caught him without it on on the rare occasion they wouldnt pressure him to leave it off or anything even tho they already knew what he looked like (when they respect ur boundaries </3) they just assumed that it was insecurity (it was but also mans had like 3 eyes so) and just left him alone

[hellafluff]

Bored and thinking about my slasher OC Andy, the Alligator one, and like what her movie arc would look like. The following long ass post details each movie and how good it would be:

Her first movie would be called Gator, releases in the early 80s. It's a suspenseful murder mystery set in Florida that seems to point to the killer disposing of bodies in the swamp for the gators to eat but then its revealed the Killer is killing them with their fucked up teeth so it only looks like theyve been munched on by gators. Andy gets away after being shot a bunch in the end. a solid 8/10 movie, the dialogue kinda sucks

The second movie, which is titled something like Gator II - Birth of a Monster and its a lot like "i know what you did last summer" where a group of now adult friends are being picked off for something they did and it turns out to be Andy seeking revenge for the torment they put her in from her childhood. Andy is arrested in the end but chews through her cuffs and kills the police before escaping. a 4/10, lots of sex scenes between unlikable characters???

Third movie is a clusterfuck, it markets itself as another installment in the franchise but really its a creature feature with elements of the first 2 thrown in. Just called Gator III. HEAVILY rips off Jaws about 30 years too late. The villain here isn't Andy but a congregation of alligators tearing apart a small Florida town, lead by a massive albino gator covered in scars. Andy appears in flashbacks and a house is discovered in the swamp that seems to be where she lived but now is infested with gators. a half rotten skeleton with only one jagged tooth found nearby is implied to be her. 2/10 movie, no one likes it and animals were harmed on set, causing activist pushback

So you know the weird cult plot that happened in the later Halloween movies? The fourth movie, Gator IV - Tooth and Nail does that, retconning Andy's backstory and saying she was groomed by a cult because they see her birth defect as a sign from their demon patron that she will be its vessel. Her remains from last movie are brought back to life in the last half hour as a alligator demon woman that the studio forced the crew to make sexy instead of gross. Effects/makeup for it are practical tho and the movie is considered a 3/10, with some solid kills from the cult throughout and great effects but the pacing sucks and the main cast is awful.

Okay so. Jason X exists, right? Yeah in the late 90s this happens. Titled Sewer Gator. Unrelated to the Andy of the previous movies, a young woman is experimented on in a genetics lab and infused with alligator DNA. She mutates into a fucked up gator woman thats actually gross this time except is 1999 and CGI is the hot new thing and the studio execs cover over all the fun practical effects and makeup with godawful CGI. She escapes the facility and into the sewers of New York where she begins a massacre and continues to mutate until she's exploded with military grade weaponry at the end. a stinger after her death shows she laid eggs but this goes nowhere because the movie makes no money and its never touched again. Surprisingly good actually 7/10, the bluray remaster gets rid of the CG and adds back in as much of the practical footage it can find and it becomes a 8.5/10

The series goes dormant for ten years

The series is rebooted in 2009 with a remake of the OG, except now its called The Swamp. Much more character focused, starting with a herpetologist and a poacher coming to town to help with the alligator problem. Theyre at odds immediately, the poacher insisting the gators need to be dealt with his way but the herpetologist is like "hey these bite marks arent anything like an alligators what the fuck is going on???" the big reveal of the movie is the poacher knows its not an alligator, but his deformed sister who he was keeping locked up until her escape a few years back and he's here to kill her. He's killed in the end by Andy and the herpetologist manages to snare her in a bear trap and get away but when the authorities show up Andy's chewed through her own leg and escaped. 7/10, goes on too long and the reveal exposition is weird and plot holey but audiences enjoy it. Has really good nu-metal on the soundtrack.

The Swamp II comes out 2 years later and sucks so bad. 1/10. The plot takes the Family angle from the last movie and goes full Wrong Turn incest cannibals in the swamps of Florida with it. Weird and creepy and sexual. Andy is there, missing a leg, as the eldest child of this family who serves an insane mother but the movie focuses on her other siblings with their weird deformities let loose now that the "normal" poacher brother is gone. movie heavily implies one of the female characters has sex with an alligator at one point. trash movie, don't watch in a place someone can walk in on you in

Series goes dormant again.

A miniseries drops unexpectedly in 2019. Swamp Diaries. 5 half hour episodes in the style of a found footage film of a group of friends searching for the legendary "Gator Woman of the Swamp." First episode introduces the characters, all likable and well rounded, college age. Second episode is the beginning of the expedition, outlines a lot of the history of the Gator Woman urban legend. Third episode the group runs into actual gators and starts finding weird, Blair Witch esque shit, becoming lost after they have to run from something, the first death happens. Episode four is suspenseful and horrific as the group tries to get home, another person dies. Episode five is the kicker, ending with the reveal Tamara, one of the last survivors, is actually working with the actual Gator woman, her childhood friend who she promised to protect and later on, feed. Ends with Tamara killing the last survivor and telling Andy it's time to go home. 8/10, paced mostly well and very scary, lots of shaky cam but the final twist is a hit with monsterfuckers bc its all but said Tamara and Andy are together.

[somnilogical]

davis tower kingsley (listed here on the cfar instructor page) who harassed a cis woman about her appearance another cis women reported this to acdc (the people who wrote the thing about how brent was great) and afaict they did nothing, claims that if trans people and gay people dont "repent and submit to the pope" they will burn in hell, defended the spanish inquisitions, wrote about how the mission system werent actually abductions, slavery, forced conversions and this was propaganda, defends pretty much any atrocity that an authority, "believes" the catholic god exists and does not try and destroy them, submits to them. and so much more.

born into another era they would actually work for the california mission system and say it was good.

said thing that cached out to that emma and somni should repent and submit to the rationalist community. wrote up a rant about "how about fuck you. go lick the boots of your dark mistress anna salamon." didnt send. got kicked by some rationalist, reasoning is probably that what id say would disrupt their peaceful machinations of omnicide, would be infohazards, because... the information is hazardous to their social order.

a few of these things are subjects of future blog posts.

--

cfar has never hired a trans woman, i have lots of logs of them trying to do what people did to porpentine. claiming emma thinks torturing children is hot, claiming emma was physically violent, claiming emma was indistinguishable from a rapist, claiming ziz was a "gross uncle style abuser", claiming somni was enticing people to rape, claiming that anna salamon was a small fragile woman and ziz was large and had muscles. as if any of our strength or speed had anything to do with our muscles in this place. all of these things are false except relative size difference between ziz and anna which is just transmisogynistic and irrelevant.

if they lie about are algorithms claim that we are using male-typical strategies and then they can fail by these lies and be sidelined by callout posts that transfered 350,000$ from miri despite their best efforts to cover this up. (all benefited by having relative political advantagr flowing from estrogenized brain modules. men are kind of npc's in this particular game of fem v fem cyberontological warfare for the fate of the multiverse, mostly making false patriarchal assumptions that ziz was doing things for social status. like status sensitivity is hormonally mediated, your experiences are not universal. or saying like kingsley is saying that people should repent and submit to whatever authorities in the rationalist region they submit to. NO. FUCK YOU. i will not repent and submit to your abusive dark mistress anna salamon.

i knew anna salamon was doing the edgy "transfems are all secretly male" thing before i talked with ziz. it was a thing, {zack, carrie}, ben hoffman, michael vassar were also in on it. ppl had men trapped in mens bodies on their bookshelves because the cool people were reading it. didnt think she was being *transmisogynistic* about it until i talked with ziz. in retrospect i was naive.)

also? anarchistic coordination ive had with people have been variously called lex's cluster, somni's cluster, ziz's cluster by authoritarians who cant imagine power structures between people that arent hierarchical. like based on who they want to say is "infohazardously corrupting people" emma goldman had to deal with this shit too where the cops tried to say she was friends with anyone who thought anarchism made sense. people she didnt know at all who did their own anarchism. because authoritarians dont think in terms of philosophy, they think any challenge to their power is a disease that needs to be eliminated and you just need to doxx their network.

like if ziz and somni and emma were all actually infohazardous rapists as people keep trying to claim we are and then saying "oh no i didnt mean it i swear" and then doing it again. what would happen isnt that a bunch of infohazardous rapists start talking and working together for a common goal. what actually happens with people of that neurotype is they partition up the territory into rival areas of feeding on people like gangs do.

like they dont get together and start talking a lot about decision theory and cooperate in strange new ways.

not that the people lying about emma, ziz, gwen, somni and others are trying to have accurate beliefs. they are trying what all athoritarians try with anarchist groups. unfortunately for them, ive read the meta, i know dread secrets of psychology and cooperation that they claim are like painful static and incomprehensible, yet despite being "incomprehensible" are almost certainly harmful. if harm is to be judged against upholding the current regime, and the current regime is evil, then lots of true information and good things will look harmful. like ive tested this out in different social spheres what people claim is "incomprehensible" is the stuff that destroys whatever regime they are working in. like someone said i sounded like i was crazy and homeless and couldnt understand me when i pointed out that reorienting your life, your time, your money, to a human who happens to be genetically related to you for 16 years is altruistic insanity. just do the math. eliezer, anna, michael, brian tomasik all once took heroic responsibility for the world at some point in their lives and could do a simple calculation and make the right choice. none of them have children.

pretending that peoples "desires" "control them", when "desires" are part of the boundary of the brain, part of the brains agency and are contingent on what you expect to get out of things. like before stabbing myself with a piece of metal would make me feel nauseated, id see black dots, and feel faint. but after i processed that stabbing myself would cure brain damage and make me more functional, all this disappeared.

most people who "want" to have children have this desire downstream of a belief that someone else will take heroic responsibility for the world, they dont need to optimize as much. there are other competent people. if they didnt they would feel differently and make different choices.

you can see the contingency of how people feel about something on what they get out of it lots of places. like:

<<Meanwhile, a Ngandu woman confessed, "after losing so many infants I lost courage to have sex.">>

but people lie about how motivation works, in order to protect the territory of saying "well i just need a steady input of nubile fems so i can concentrate and be super altruistic!" or "i just need spend 16 years of life reorienting around humans who happen to be genetically related to me and my friends so i can concentrate and be super altruistic!" when neither of these are true. these people just want nubile fems, they just want babies. (the second one has much much less negative externalities though. you could say i am using my female brain modules to say "yeah the archetypically female strat, though it has the same amount of lying, is less harmful". but like it actually is less directly harmful. the harm from gaslighting people downstream of diverting worldsaving resources and structure to secure a place to {hit on fems, raise babies} is ruinous. means that worldsaving plans that interfere with either of these are actively fought. and the knowledge that neither of these are altruistic optimizations, neither is Deeply Wise they are as dumb in terms of global optimization as they seem initially, is agentically buried.

this warps things in deep ways, that were a priori unexpected to me.)

this is obvious, but when i talk about it, the objection isnt that it doesnt make utilitarian sense, the objection is that "im talking like a crazy person". authoritarians say this to me too when i assert my right to my property that they took, act like im imposing on them. someone else asked if i could "act like a human" and do what he wanted me to do when i was thinking and talking with my friends. all of these things authoritarians have said to me "act like a human" "talk like a normal person i cant understand you" were to coerce my submission. they construct the category of "human" and then say im in violation of it and this is wrong and i should rectify it. i am talking perfectly good english right now. you can read this.

anna salamon, kelsey piper, elle, pete michaud, and many others all try to push various narratives of somni, emma, ziz, gwen and others being in the buckets {RAPIST, PSYCHO, BRAINWASHED}. im not a rapist, im not psychotic, im not brainwashed. before ziz came along, people were claiming i was brainwashing people, its a narrative they keep reusing.

porpentine talks about communities that do this, that try and pull trap doors beneath trans women:

<<For years, queer/trans/feminist scenes have been processing an influx of trans fems, often impoverished, disabled, and/or from traumatic backgrounds. These scenes have been abusing them, using them as free labor, and sexually exploiting them. The leaders of these scenes exert undue influence over tastemaking, jobs, finance, access to conferences, access to spaces. If someone resists, they are disappeared, in the mundane, boring, horrible way that many trans people are susceptible to, through a trapdoor that can be activated at any time. Housing, community, reputation—gone. No one mourns them, no one asks questions. Everyone agrees that they must have been crazy and problematic and that is why they were gone.>>

https://thenewinquiry.com/hot-allostatic-load/

(a mod of rationalist feminists deleted this almost immediately from the group as [[not being a good culture fit]], not being relevant to rationalism, and written in the [[wrong syntax]]. when its literally happening right now, they are trying to trapdoor transfems who protest and rebel asap. just like google.)

canmom on tumblr talks about the strategic use of "incomprehensibility" against transfems. and how its not about "comprehensibility". i have a different theory of this, but her thing is also a thing.

<<Likewise, @isoxys recently wrote an impressively thorough transmisogyny 101, synthesising the last several years of discussions about this facet of our particular hell world. But that post got just 186 notes, almost exclusively from the same trans women who are accused of writing ‘inaccessibly’.

Perhaps they’d say isoxys’s post is inaccessible too, but what would pass the bar? Some slick HTML5 presentation with cute illustrations? A wiki? Who’s got the energy and money to make and host something like that? Do the critics of ‘inaccessible’ posts take some time to think about what kind of alternative would be desirable, and how it could be organised?>>

https://canmom.tumblr.com/post/185908592767/accessibility-in-terms-of-not-using-difficult

alice maz talks about the psychology behind the kind of cop kelsey piper, david tower kingsley, elle and others are:

<<the role of the cop is to defend society against the members of society. police officers are trivially cops. firefighters and paramedics, despite similar aesthetic trappings, are emphatically not. bureaucrats and prosecutors are cops, as are the worst judges, though the best are not. schoolteachers and therapists are almost always cops; this is a great crime, as they present themselves to the young and the vulnerable as their friends, only to turn on them should they violate one of their profession's many taboos. soldiers and parents need not be cops, but the former may be used as such, and the latter seem frighteningly eager to enlist. the cop is the enemy of passion and the enemy of freedom, never forget this>>

https://www.alicemaz.com/writing/alien.html

anna salamon wrote a thing implying that ziz, somni, gwen suffered some sort of vague mental issues from going to aisfp. (writing a post on this.) alyssa vance tried to suggest i believe cfar is evil because im homeless. but sarah constantin, ben hoffman, {carrie, zack}, jessica taylor (the last three who have blogged a lot about whats deeply wrong) (not listing others because not wanting to doxx a network to authoritarians, who just want to see it contained. and the disease of "infohazards" eradicated.) are not homeless and ive talked with many of them and read blog posts. and they know that cfar is fake. jessica (former miri employee) left because miri was fake.

anna and others are trying to claim that theres some person responsible for a [[mass psychotic break]] that causes people to... independently update in the same direction. and have variously blamed it on ziz, somni, michael vassar. but like mass psychotic breaks arent...really a thing, would not be able to independently derive something, plan on writing a blogpost on it, and then see ben hoffman had written http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/engineer-diplomat/ and i was like "ah good then i dont have to write this." and have this happen with several different people.

like this is more a mass epistemic update that miri / cfar / ssc / lw are complicit in the destruction of the world. and will defend injustice and gaslight people and lie about the mathematical properties of categories to protect this.

they all know exactly what they are doing, complicity with openai and deepmind in hopes of taking the steering wheel away at the last second. excluding non-human life and dead humans from the CEV to optimize some political process, writing in an absolute injunction to an fai against some outcome to protect from blackmail when that makes it more vulnerable.(see:

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/hyperexistential_separation.html

hyperexistential separation: if an fai cant think of hell, an fai cant send the universe to hell in any timeline. this results in lower net utility. if you put an absolute injunction against any action for being too terrible you cant do things like what chelsea manning did and i believe actually committed to hungerstriking until death in the worlds where the government didnt relent, choosing to die in those timelines. such that most of her measure ended up in a world where the government read this commitment in her and so relented.

if chelsea manning had an absolute injunction against ever dying in any particular timeline, she would get lower expected utility across the multiverse. similarly, in newcombs problem if you had an absolute injunction against walking away with 0$ in any timeline because that would be too horrible, you get less money in expectation. for any absolute injunction against things that are Too Horrible you can construct something like this.

--

a lot of humans seem to be betting on "nothing too horrible can happen to anyone" in hopes that it pays off in nothing too horrible happening to you.

the end result of not enacting ideal justice is the deaths of billions. at each timestamp saying "its too late to do it now, but maybe it would have been good sometime in the past". with the same motive that miri wants to exclude dead people from the cev, they arent part of the "current political process". so you can talk about them as if they were not moral patients, just like they treat their fellow animals.

(ben hoffman talks about different attitudes towards ideal justice coming upon the face of the earth.)

--

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

cev:

<<But again, we fall back on the third reply: "The people who are still alive" is a simple Schelling circle to draw that includes everyone in the current political process. To the extent it would be nice or fair to extrapolate Leo Szilard and include him, we can do that if a supermajority of EVs decide* that this would be nice or just. To the extent we don't bake this decision into the model, Leo Szilard won't rise from the grave and rebuke us. This seems like reason enough to regard "The people who are still alive" as a simple and obvious extrapolation base.>>

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

this is an argument from might makes right. because dead people and nonhuman animals cant fight back.

->"i think we should give planning of the town to the white people, then extrapolate their volition and if they think doing nice things for black people is a good idea, we'll do it! no need to bake them in to the town planning meetings, as they are arent part of the current political process and no one here will speak up for them."

i dont plan to exclude dead people or any sentient creatures from being baked in to fai. they are not wards of someone else. enslaving and killing fellow sentient life will not continue after the singularity even if lots of humans want it and dont care and wont care even after lots of arguments.) and so much else.

the list of all specific grievances would take a declaration of independence.

like with googles complicity with ICE having a culture of trapdooring transfems (for some reason almost the only coherent group that has the moral fiber to oppose these injustices, that is p(transfem|oppose injustice in a substantiative way) is high, not necc the reverse.) who question this sort of thing.

thinking of giving sarah constantin a medal thats engraved with "RIGHTEOUS AMONG CIS PEOPLE: I HAD SEVERAL SUBSTANTIAL DISAGREEMENTS WITH HER ABOUT LOAD BEARING PARTS OF HER LIFE AND SHE NEVER ONCE TRIED TO CALL ME A RAPIST, PSYCHOTIC, OR BRAINWASHED" thats where the bar is at, its embedded in the core of the earth.

kelsey piper, elle benjamin, anna salamon, pete michaud, and lots more have entirely failed to clear this bar. anna and kelsey saying they dont understand stuff somni, emma, ziz and other transfems talk about but its probably dangerous and infohazardous and its not to be engaged with philosophically. just like the shelter people acting as if my talking about their transmisogyny was confusing and irrational to be minimized and not engaged with. just like any authoritarian where when you start talking about your rights and what is right and wrong and what makes sense they are like "i dont understand this. you are speaking gibberish why are you being so difficult? all we need you to do is submit or leave."

and no i will NOT SHUT UP about this injustice. all miri/cfar people can do at this point is say "the things these people write are infohazards" then continue to gaslight others they cant engage on a philosophical level. all the can say is that what i am saying is meaningless static and yet also somehow dangerous.

::

it doesnt make sense to have and raise babies if you are taking heroic responsibility for the world. doesnt make sense to need a constant supply of fems to have sex with if you are taking heroic responsibility for the world. people who claim either of these pairs of things are lying, maybe expect someone else to take heroic responsibility for the world or exist in a haze.

the mathematics of categories and anticipations dont allow for the thing you already have inside you to be modified based on the expected smiles it gives your community. this is used to gaslight people like "calling this lying would be bad for the institutions, not optimize ev. thus by this blogpost you are doing categories wrong' this is a mechanism to cover dishonesty for myopic gains.

using the above, a bunch of people colluding with the baby industrial complex get together and say that the "beat" meaning of altruism includes having babies (but maybe not having sex with lots of fems? depending on which gendered strategy gets the most people in the colluding faction) because other meanings would make people sad and unmotivated. burying world optimizers ability to talk about and coordinate around actual altruism.

openAI and deepmind are not alignment orgs. cfar knows this and claims they are, gaslighting their donors, in hopes of taking the steering wheel at the last moment.

alyssa vance says paying out to blackmail is fine, its not.

CFAR manipulated donation metrics to hide low donations.

MIRI lied about its top 8 most probable hypotheses for why its down 350,000$ this year.

anna salamon is transmisogynistic, this is why cfar has never hired a trans women despite trans women being extremely good at mental tech. instead the hire people like davis kingsley.

kingsley lied about anna not being involved at hiring in cfar in order to claim anna couldnt be responsible for cfar never hiring a trans woman.

a cfar employee claimed anna salamon hired their rapist, was angry about it. mentioned incidentally how anna salamon, president and cofounder of cfar, was involved in hiring at cfar.

acdc wrote a big thing where defended a region of injustice (brent dill) because of their policy of modular ethics. when really, if you defend injustice at any point, you have to defend the defense and the thing iteratively spreads across your organization like a virus.

miri / cfar caved to louie helm.

not doing morality or decision theory right. among which is: https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/hyperexistential_separation.html and https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

and so much more.

[softforcal]

NASCAR!READER X FRIENDS!5SOS

the reader is a nascar driver and best friends with 5sos, they’re there for her after a crash

gif credit @ghostsofhood

(i dont know jack shit about nascar fam so here we go)

-having met the band at a party somewhere

-most of the guys there knew who you were and were all trying to pick your brain about driving and what it feels like and the danger

-going outside and stumbling across the four of them chilling out there

-you expect them to start asking you questions too but they seem to not know who you are?

-”you can grab a seat if you’d like.” one smiles, pushing over a chair

-oh, they’re Australian... that makes sense

-taking a seat and you begin talking to them

-you assume they must be famous, most of the people at the party are and those who arent are very obvious to pick out

-”so what do the four of you do? i mean, obviously you’re not here because you want a taste of the celebrity life.” you say, taking a sip of beer

-”we’re a band. i play bass. i’m Cal by the way.” he holds out a hand for you to shake and you grin

-”let me guess,” you say looking at all of them, “guitar?” you ask

-”haha, yeah, I’m Michael.”

-”okay well that makes you the singer and obviously you’re the drummer, you have the look.” you say

-”wow, four outta four.” one of the blondes laughs, “i’m Ash and that’s Luke. so we’re musicians, what do you do?”

-”im a Nascar Driver. Y/N L/N. nice to meet you guys.” you answer

-”Nascar, that’s insane, you don’t look like a race-car driver.” Michael laughs

-”what do you mean?” you grin

-”you’re a hot girl!” Michael answers

-spending the night talking to them and laughing your asses off

-you all exchange numbers

-the next day Ashton messages you about going for a drive

-showing up in your beautiful car and Ashton is shook but he should have expected that because i mean, you love race cars for a living

-you drive like a wild person and Ash is shook AF but he laughs his ass off and has the time of his life

-”isn’t it dangerous to drive like this?” he asks when you finally pull off to the side of the road to park and walk down to the beach

-”yeah but i haven’t crashed yet... so.” you shrug, “and i mean, it is my job.”

-the others hear about how exhilarating it is to drive around with you and by the end of the week all of them had been in your passenger seat

-they definitely see the allure of being a professional race car driver

-and the way you look so at ease in the drivers seat, laughing your ass off as they grab onto the door and hold on for dear life as you go up another gear... well its obvious that you are a race car driver

-you have a race coming up and send them all an invite, NASCAR loves you and it’s easy enough to get tickets for them even though the race is sold out

-at first they’re super excited

-as soon as you walk onto the track to get into your car they’re all chatting about how good you look in your track suit

-the cars line up and they can feel the adrenaline of waiting, Luke is straight up biting his nails impatiently

-the race starts and at first they’re all super excited but as it continues they start to realize how fucking dangerous it is

-a car in front of you spins out and flips, you swerve to avoid it and it just narrowly misses you

-the boys all watch in shock

-”holy fuck.” Michael groans

-you come around a curve and a car slams into your side, trying to push you out of the way

-”this is insane.” Calum groans, watching through his fingers

-you maneuver in a way to get the person off your side and they end up skidding out from being too aggressive

-you pull ahead and its obvious you’re going to win

-they knew you were good at your job but actually watching it is a whole different story

-you car speeds over the finish line and Ashton lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “fuck, that was intense.”

-the race finishes up and the guys head down to the area you told them to go so security could let them into see you

-you’re sitting in a lounge, still in the track suit

-”you guys made it!” you grin, “what did you think about the race?”

-”it was mental. i can’t believe this is your job.” Michael says, hugging you.

-they can all see you’re practically glowing. 

-they know exactly how you feel

-its like when they get off stage

-”lets celebrate your big win.” Ashton suggests

-”deal, but i’m driving.” you grin

-as if they could convince you otherwise

-you continue to be friends while they work on their new album and you chill around in between races

-each race you narrowly miss potentially savagely getting slammed or flipped and each time the guys hide their eyes or hold their breaths

-”i can’t believe it’s just a normal risk for her.” Luke sighs one day after you’d skidded but managed to get your wheels traction again and finished second

-after that one you can tell something is up with them because when they come down to see you they all look kind of wrecked.

-”whats wrong with you guys?” you ask pulling them each into a hug

-”its just really dangerous.” Cal sighs

-”we get scared for you.” Luke agrees

-”i’ll be fine. i’m a great driver.” you assure them

-and they want to believe you but they can’t because you don’t really have any control over whether or not you crash

-but they keep their mouths shut

-the day of the next race they all sit there anxiously

-Cal had looked it up and found out that this race was, as commentators put it, “going to be quite difficult for Y/N to pull off.” something about the track being “unforgiving” which made no sense to the group of Aussies who didn’t know jack shit about Nascar

-but they’re all worried as they watch you get into the car and the timer tick down

-the sound of wheels and engines erupts as all the cars take off

-their eyes follow your every movement

-its obvious that you’re the one to beat and cars are coming up next to you and swerving to tap into you but you manage to dodge every move

-but they can sense the impending doom

-they don’t know how but they can

-Ashton leans forward while Calum brings his hands up to his mouth, Luke bites his nails and Michael bites his lip

-the sound of the car ramming into you is deafening

-the skid of tires

-and then your car is flipping 

-and cars are dodging the huge metal structure 

-the car comes to a stop and the crowd is silent

-”fuck fuck fuck fuck.” Ashton mutters

-the medical team comes out 

-the car is upside down but the door opens and it feels like the entire crowd lets out a breath

-you manage to crawl out, but it looks like your leg is hurt because you’re limping away from the wreck that’s now on fire

-”thank fuck.” Michael groans

-Luke is the one who grabs them all, “we have to go.” he states as they all leave the stands and head down to the VIP off limits area

-the security guards know them by now and all offer small smiles, “she’s a fighter.” one says as they let the guys through 

-one of the workers stops the guys outside the medical room, “you can’t go in there.”

-”is Y/N okay?” Michael asks, “is she-”

-”how bad is it?” Ashton interrupts

-”she’s stable, we’re sending her to the hospital-” the worker tries to explain.

-its tough to get all the info but they finally manage to bully it out of someone and then they’re racing to the hospital

-the nurses there inform them that you’re in surgery because your leg was kind of messed up but you’ll be out soon

-”is one of you her boyfriend?” the nurse asks

-”no, we’re just friends.” Luke answers

-they’re let into your room and each take a seat while they wait for you to wake up

-”she looks so broken.” Luke says, frowning

-you groan when you begin to wake up and suddenly they’re all there, except Ash who runs to grab a nurse

-”Y/N how do you feel?” Michael asks

-”like i was in a car crash, how do you think?” you say, coughing

-they all grin and Cal gets you some water

-so, all things considered, the crash wasn't actually that bad

-just a broken leg and a minor concussion but you’re fine

-and you bet your ass these four are going to take care of you

-also... the broken leg is your right one so you can’t drive

-being the biggest back seat driver ever. like, as they’re driving you back to your place and Ashton is driving the speed limit you’re groaning from the back, “god, seriously? just go a tiny bit faster Ash.”

-”stop being such an adrenaline junkie.” Ashton laughs from the front seat

-they are in for a whole lot of pain because we’re talking 6-8 weeks with this cast on and you can’t drive anywhere

-”come on Ash, all i’m saying is slightly over the speed limit.” you groan

-Luke carries you into your place

-”so what movie do you want to watch first?”

-”you guys really don’t have to stay and take care of me, i’m not a baby.”

-but of course they do. at least one of them is over like every day

-they all give in a little to your racecar driver ways and take you driving

-Luke is the first one to break and go a little over the speed limit

-but of course it’s not good enough

-”i can’t believe you’re not scared of being in a car.” Luke says

-”i practically live in a car.” you answer, “besides, as soon as i have this cast off i need to get back behind the wheel again.”

-Luke doesn’t say anything about it but of course as soon as he leaves your place he sends a group text to the others because part of him thought that would be the end of you racing

-i feel like Cal and Ash wouldn’t be surprised

-but now that it’s being talked about it’s kinda like ‘are we going to keep going even though its terrifying because next time the crash might not be so benign’ 

-its a tough decision because they all want to support you... but, they’re still having nightmares about watching your car flip, especially Luke

-they try to come up with safe things to do to make your heart get pumping with adrenaline

-we’re talking full on getting shopping carts and running around deserted parking lots with you in the shopping cart (yes. Amnesia style fam.)

-and it’s fun and you have a laugh, but it’s nothing like being in a car

-watching bad race-car movies together at your place

-can you imagine these boys watching “talladega nights”? it would be wild

-but they steer away from the drama race car movies like Rush because they do not want to see another car crash, even if it’s on tv, any time soon

-Cal comes over to your place one day to find you just sitting in the front seat of your car

-having a real heart to heart about how much you miss driving

-”what would you do if something happened on stage and the people around you didn’t want you to preform anymore.” “Y/N we’re not saying you should stop driving-” “but you’re thinking it.”

-boi can’t argue there

-Cal gets into the passenger seat and is just like “it was bad. when your car flipped. it looked really bad. we weren’t sure... we didn’t know if you would be okay. it’s just tough for us.”

-but Cal gets it.

-he’s the one that drives you to get your cast off the day it’s done

-when you come out of the doctors office he holds out his car keys and you you grin as you take them, pressing a kiss against his cheek before jumping into the drivers seat

-only going a little bit over the speed limit

-he notices and appreciates it

-Cal continues going to your races. Ashton too

-Luke and Michael are a bit more reserved about it, opting for just a ‘she finished the race’ text from one of the other guys at first

-but finally Michael comes

-and Luke is pacing at home, the race starting in an hour, and he gives in, coming to the track

-its tough for them to watch. but they want to be supportive. because at the end of the day, if anything bad does happen, at least they’ll be right there to pick up your broken pieces

[the-desolated-quill]

Luther 5x01 - Luther blog

(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)

Can you remember the last time I’ve written about this show? 24th December 2015. Feeling old yet? Back then I was lucky if my reviews got two notes. Now I can get as many as thirty. Goodness me, I’ve gone up in the world XD

If you would like to read my reviews of the previous episodes... well... I’d rather you didn’t if I’m honest because they’re not very good. I was still finding my feet as an amateur critic/blogger/moaning old fart at the time and only had a vague idea of what I was talking about. I can give you a quick summary of my views on the show. I love it for the most part. In recent years it’s become almost trendy to take the piss out of it due to its over the top villains and gratuitous violence, but that’s always been part of its charm for me. But above all, what puts Luther head and shoulders above most other crime shows for me is the title character. Writer Neil Cross has created one of the most compelling and morally complex characters I’ve ever seen and Idris Elba brings him to life expertly. As horrific and ludicrous as the crimes and plots usually are, it’s DCI John Luther that keeps me coming back for more.

Luther has always been more of a horror show than a crime drama and the first episode of Series 5 is no different. A masked killer with LED lights on his hood to confuse CCTV cameras, (which makes him look a lot like that ghost astronaut from Scooby Doo), is roaming around London, sneaking up on unsuspecting strangers and hammering nails into their bodies because that’s the only way he can achieve an orgasm. Oh yeah, and he also has a jar of eyeballs in his sex dungeon because of course he does. The villains in this show can be many things, but subtle isn’t usually one of them. At one point newcomer DS Haliday asks Luther if this kind of depravity is normal for him, which made me laugh. Any Luther fan could tell you that this is just an average Tuesday for him.

No other show can get away with this kind of grotesqueness, but in Luther it just works. It revels in how insane and weird it is. It’s not a question of whether or not it’s believable (because let’s face it, it bloody isn’t). It’s a question of whether or not it’s scary and it absolutely is. Jamie Payne’s direction really helps to up the creep factor and the concept itself is just inherently icky. By far the most terrifying scene was the killer creeping up on that woman on the top deck of the the night bus, almost panther-like. What made it scarier for me is that the scene was actually filmed near the Olympic Park in Stratford, which is close to where I live. Seeing a psycho wandering around areas you’re familiar with is disconcerting to say the least.

The episode also does a good job of piquing the audience’s interest and building intrigue. Hermione Norris is captivating to watch in her role as Dr. Vivien Lake, who claims to know who the killer is, but there’s clearly more to her than we think. Luther notices straight away this isn’t a normal patient/doctor relationship and we the viewer know from the outset there’s something not quite right about her. It goes beyond her empathising with the killer. She seems to have a degree of control over him, which makes you question whether she is playing a part in these murders, perhaps for her own sexual gratification. Even the reveal at the end that the patient was just a patsy and that her husband is the real killer doesn’t give away everything. I feel there’s a lot more to unpack here with this relationship and this character, and I can’t wait to see how it unfolds in the next three episodes.

The main cast are pretty good. Idris Elba is predictably brilliant, stepping back into the tweed coat and red tie with little effort. Dermot Crowley and Michael Smiley return as DSU Martin Schenk and Benny respectively and both are great fun to watch. Benny in particular plays a more active role this time, no longer being just the stereotypical computer guy and instead taking part in the action, helping Luther to remove a bomb collar from a hostage, which was cool. The weak link is probably DS Catherine Haliday, played by Wunmi Mosaku. She’s set up as the newcomer, being fast tracked to the Serious and Serial Crimes Unit from the public sector, but she doesn’t really have that much of a part to play. Luther barely even acknowledges her existence most of the time. There’s none of the Batman and Robin-esque camaraderie that Luther and Justin Ripley had in the first three series and she’s not as interesting as Emma Lane was in the previous series. She just... exists. Hopefully she’ll get more to do as the series go on.

Another actor who’s wasted in this episode is Patrick Malahide, returning from Series 4 as ‘old school’ gangster George Cornelius. Actually this is something of a recurring problem for Luther. The first series I remember fondly because Neil Cross kept everything simple for the most part. Each episode was about a different serial killer and how Luther was going to catch him. But from Series 2 onward, everything started to get needlessly complicated with B plots and C plots and side stories and so on. I can understand why they’re doing this. Idris Elba and Neil Cross aren’t as readily available as they used to be so when they do find the time to make more Luther episodes, they want to cram in as much material as they can to make up for the long wait by fans. I get it completely, but it comes at the cost of the narrative as a whole. Vivien and her sexually deranged husband is an interesting plot in and of itself, but we keep getting yanked away from it in order to deal with an entirely separate plot about George trying to find his kidnapped son. George isn’t a bad character, don’t get me wrong. Malahide does a great job in the role, but you can’t help but feel all of this is a bit pointless. Why should I care about this guy? He’s a cockney arsehole who tried to assassinate Alice Morgan (the most popular character in the show) for a bunch of diamonds last series. Fuck him. At least now that Alice is back, we can hopefully see her exact her revenge on him.

On the whole, a solid start to the new series with a lot of potential going forward.

[tylerwritez]

Saturday, June 19 2021

I dont know how I feel about the day yet cos right now its only 10:13. I dont post these exactly on the days I write them, but I write them on these exact days nonetheless.

My throat still hurts, my ass hurts, oUch,.... I'm sure you know why. Like, when you suck dick, it takes throat strength to make sure you don't fucking vomit everywhere and like. I OBVIOUSLY dont have that strength since I had to wash vomit outta my hair this morning

Hes so hot tho oh. My god.

Whatever. New day. So we talk about new things.

Star seems kinda sad but I dont really know why? She said on her story that people dont really go outta their way to talk to her... idk. I shot a good morning dm and now I'm here. I made my bed. Packed up my shit. Every time we pack things up my parents rage cos they always find shit they dont want to see: monster cans, evidence of my self harm, etc.

We have 1 more week then school is OVER and I move outta this house cos of the divorce. Jay will be gone too... I still have his insta, but I might ask for his number... just in case. I always get weirdly attached to people I fuck even if there was never any romantic part of the relationship. We are just friends.

Apparently we are going to the pick n pack today with my friend let's call her Zara. It's notfar off from her real name but whatever. Basically pick n pack is where you go to a vegetable garden and pick vegetables

I have a test soon but idk if I'll study for it. I NEVER really put work into studying or pay attention in class and I'm holding an 82 average. I got a 39 once, so once I retake that quiz I might be in the 90s. Sorry Mr. Renal, I simply can't bring myself to care about your class 😢

I LOVE my art class tho. It's just doing ART!!!! ART TIME!!!! Art is the best and I would post some of mine but my irls would proabably find me then. Like my name isnt ACTUALLY Jude Shepard. I'm just using it as a penname and also cos that's what they called me in my dream. But other than that everything I tell y'all is real. I'm making buttered toast rn.

3:38 p.m.  sat june 19th

I've decided to include a song recommendation with every entry. Today's recommendation: A Match Into Water by Pierce The Veil

Okay so it turns out we didnt go to pick n pack with Zara. Instead we went to downtown... White Ave. It was sunny n we walked a bit, got lemonades and a bit of candy, went into stores, idk. BUT. The notable part of this is that next to the farmers market there were all the usual activist groups: falun gong, vegan, whatever... but one of them looked like it was a LEFTIST GROUP, possible marxist.

I wanted to talk to them so badly and wanted to see how I could help the cause. See, I'm a communist. AND IM NOT HERE TO DEBATE THAT. I'm here to talk about my days. Anwyays I wanted to talk to them sO BADLY. but my parents wouldn't leave me alone. And like. I hate political discussion with them. They just upset me and they get mad and I CANT AFFORD TO MAKE THEM MAD. I play everything that goes on with me on the Down Low, I dont talk about anything about myself because if I do, I get less freedom in my life. They have control in my life, so I have to appease them. Because of this, I unfortunately did not get to talk to the communists :(

Hopefully they're still there next time... I'm kinda mad >:(

Also Star replied to my good morning text... I told her to have fun shopping since that's what she told me she was gonna do... she just said "thanks" and I was concerned because THATS NOT HOW SHE TYPES? I feel like shes sad over something but i dont know what.

The day me and Jacob did stuff, I was supposed to walk her to her bus stop like I always do. But I didnt (duh) I took Jacob home.

But IT WAS ONE! DAY. And I told her my dad called me over so.... I apologized too and she seemed mad at herself, but in the way that's intended to make you feel bad.

I dont understand her sometimes. I LOVE HER. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I love her so so much shes such a great supportive funny attractive girl! But soemtimes she gets upset and I can never tell why: is it the depression? Is it me? Is it soemthing else entirely? And she'll never tell me.

Whatever, I'll ask her how she is tonight and maybe we can Talk :/

I might never tell her about Jay... :P I might never tell ANYONE about Jay. It's our little secret I guess >:))))))

Man see? I'm no saint. I guess that's what'll make this blog worth reading. I'm a bit conflicted about the whole thing cos I KNOW this is morally not right but. I'm doing it anyways. What can I say? I'm used to lying and hiding things for my benefit. I had to do it to survive and now? Now I do it for funsies.

I'm gonna pack some more stuff, TTYL ♡

UPDATE: we had to go look at houses for the move (since my parents r divorcing) and I didnt get to pack much of anything yet

I'm definently over my cal limit today...

        Cold sweet or carbonated drinks help with my throat pain so I'm downing them like they're NOTHING and since we have no zero  cal cold drinks I'm DEAD... and no, water does NOTHING.

Jeez, its raining out.

And FUCK JAY cos hes still on my mind.

Its 4:11 p.m. now.

Its now 7:56 p.m.

I kinda feel like an edgy main character in an edgy movie rolling up to the park and sitting #alone in the Treez like the emo band music video protagonist I am.

Sometimes its exhausting to talk to people I care about in a serious way or that I talk to in a more sincere manner like Star and Jay and others. Even if they're just friends. If our interactions are serious and not really casual and usually play out like long deep conversation, I feel like to respond to or even read their messages, I need to have like an hour allotted to conversation. Soemtimes I see the messages early and have to pretend I didnt see em cos I dont have internet to respond or time to respond its. Funny. Idk.

Anwyays I'm binging chocolate in a park alone and like. Rotting my fucking teeth OH WELL 🤷🏻‍♂️ whatcha gonna do.

Its 8 now so I should head home. I just biked to the s4ve 0ns to get my dad white choclate but. If I'm going to s4ve 0ns... YOU BET YOUR ASS IM GONNA STE4L SHIT. THAT PLACE IS EASY AS FUCKKK.

Also I'm kinda addicted to sh0pl1fting. The THRILL I get from it is so insane. It's fun! And you get free stuff! I know If i get caught I'm risking a lot. I'm aware. But I dont really care. Every step I take nowadays is risk taking. So why not take more?

I dont care about nonsense therapy. Fuck that.... actually I'll explain why i dont go to therapy for my shit:

1. I cant

2. I don't trust it

Anwyays yeah.

My throat still hurts. Idk, I just like to be in the sun and shit ALONE.

ALONE! It's so funny to me how now I like my time alone but as a kid I'd proabably kill for some positive attention. Well... it's more complex than that, but I wont go into it tonight.

Pls watch me die of diabetes soon from eating all this fucking chocolate.

My parents said to stop drinking monster and I wANT THEM TO TRUST ME so i can go out with my friends... but also I shoulda got monster outta spite. Heart palpitations my ASS.

Tonight I'll be talking to Jay AND Star. At the same time. Which is awkward... Which is MY OWN MESS TO CLEAN UP. I actually accept full responsibility. But also its awkward.

Whatever. I'll sort it out.

My parents arent being as complicated as usual. I guess they're tryna reverse all those years of... emotional neglect i guess? Something.

Something. Which isnt nothing.

But also I think they're guilty over the divorce. Like. Today my dad was like "do u ever feel sad? Blah blah blah... how do u feel rn" and I was like smiling tryna play off his question like it was absurd and I said "uhm idk... *fake laugh* normal?"

THE TRUTH WAS THAT I WAS A BIT CONFUDDLED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GONNA DO REGARDING. LITERALLY CHEATING. ON MY GF. WITH SOME DUDE IN MY ART CLASS. JUST FOR SEX.

But then he was like "this isnt normal." And he looked all sad.  But on my way to the park here, I thought about it a bit more. And actually... it IS normal. The divorce rate is smthn like 60 percent in the states and 40 percent in canada... which is where I live.

Yknow... if my irls find this,,, all I have to say is sorry. Be as mean as you want.

I've already accepted my fate as a degenerate scumbag anyways lol.

Actually... how DO I feel? Hmm... laying in this field.

Urgency.

I have a lot of stuff to do.

Physical pain, but that's not. A FEELING.

I guess anticipation to TALK TO PEOPLE.

Regret from my binge... I better get home.

You know what's so funny to me? I cant purge on my own... but dick makes me vomit. Like the one time I DONT want to throw up, I do. Damn okay.

Well its 8:18 so I'm going home maybe. Soon. For now, I think I'll stay a little longer.

Yknow one thing I didn't expect to be sore was my arms... which I used to prop myself up to... yknow, suck Jay...

I still remember he said: "you're trembling." And I was like FUCK because I thought the trembling was HIM... •_• it's okay though I'll learn to do better.

Idk tho... I feel comfortable with him. Even as nervous as I am and embarrassed to be. Naked. In front of soemone else. And such. He makes me feel comfortable. Look, I did my best, DUH of cOURSE I did my best, I'm the type who will work hard at stuff even if they're getting hurt. I didnt mind honeslty. My goal in that part was just to make him feel good. Equal exchange, yknow? He did the same thing to me.

But like, he can tell when I gag and he tells me not to hurt myself and of course I keep going, I'm not about to SToP. But. I dont kNOW. Him talking to me like that makes me feel a lot safer doing stuff like that you know?

I like when he starts kissing me and touching me like he cant contain himself its almost animalistic and VERY FUCKING HOT

I feel like I talk about him too much but you gotta realize that was my FIRST time

1. Sucking dick

2. having MY junk sucked

3. Having anything put. Inside me. (It was just his finger but stILL)

So yeaH. Of course I'm gonna talk about it. A lot.

He said I was adorable. He said he likes how, when he leans over me, I take in a breath... how he could make me flinch.

THATS HOT ISNT IT.

I feel like I'm getting lost in his charm when I shoULD be tryna fix shit with my girlfriend. She seems sad and I'm worried.

But there isnt much more to say until I DM her tonight...

I really fucked up, didn't I? I totally fucked up and now my brain is all confused. But I have to remember that Jay is only about sex. He would be nice to cuddle, since hes fucking HUGE and I'm kinda on the short side, but he doesnt talk to me out of love. He does it out of lust. And yeah... I really only want sex from him too. But like. Star and I are COMMITTED. We got our feelings wrapped up together. Emotionally and romantically.

So. I should proabably like... stop fucking with Jay. Tell Star what I did. And hope she forgives me. That's the morally correct thing to do.

But like... do I EVER make the morally correct decision? No. Not really. I'm a piece of shit. Whatever. Its highschool anwyays we arent mating for life. IM NOT SAYING WHAT I DID WASNT BAD. IT WAS. VERY BAD.

but I'm gonna keep making bad decisions.

I DO FEEL BAD.... but look. If we're being logical about this and tryna maximize my benefit here,, I should keep Star as my girlfriend and TREAT HER WELL... but with Jay as a fuckbuddy on the side. Hes leaving the school soon anwyays so then we'll hang out less...

That's my plan, anyways.

I KNOW I'm a bad person. I'm aware. But it's just a fact of life.

I'm cheating with my cards here in so many places: stealing, lying, cheating, disobeying my parents, not paying attention in class.. IM KIND OF AN ASSHOLE KID. Idk. It's kinda whatever to me. I'm fucking harry Houdini, okay? I can get out of anyhting. This isnt me being cocky... I have historically gotten out of MANY tight situations, even some that risked my life, and I'm still here. I think I'm a walking lucky charm or SOEMTHING

Welp, we know if gods real I'm going to hell.

I dont really care. Idk. I guess I'm just at that risk taking phase in.my life. That doesnt  justify anything... but it explains it. And it's possible to explain without justifying.

Man,,, I guarantee whoever reads this blog is gonna hate my guts.

Whatever. It's my fucking journal/diary lol.

I can sorta say whatever I'd like.

It's funny because I always thought I was trustworthy and had no commitment issues BUT HEY I GUESS NOT.

I keep telling myself, cut him off, YOU AVE A GIRLFRIEND, FESS UP AND APOLOGIZE... but then I picture his STUPID smirking face and I CANT.

Maybe I am in love double.

Doesnt matter if I am... i still did a bad thing.

DAMN.

Well... I'm headed back home now. 8:41. I'm gonna pack my shit, change, watch youtube,,,, I guess I should check my google classroom and like. do my fucking homework... cos I haven't done it yet.

Then I'll update yall.

11:51 p.m.

Hey guys I'm back with an update.

I talked with both of then... star doesnt seem interested in having an actual conversation,,, shes just talking  about  random bs. Which is fine but I dont rly get what shes saying half the time COS SHES NOT BLUNT ENOUGH. and then the other half shes going on about how much she hates life. Like.

I do love her. We've bonded. I AM concerned about her. But sometimes I feel like she doesn't really try. Like I can talk her down from suicide all I want but everything I say is wrong and cliched and based off my own experience with suicidal thoughts and like... my mentality has always been sorta toxicly masculine. Push through, and push through alone. I CANT ALWAYS HELP! And it makes me feel shitty. Idk. She'll be okay, I know so cos of her story posts and drawings.

I feel bad but I know I can't help much. We talked a little. Idk, we didnt get anywhere. I love her but shes acting in a way that tells me soemthing is wrong but I CANT FIX THAT THING. SO. yeah, theres not much to say. I wish I could take away all her pain but I can't.

I talked to Jay as well... I DONT KNOW WHATS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LIKE HIM SO SO MUCH. SO MUCH. HES LITERALLY PERFECT. sexy, kind and super considerate, he always makes sure I'm comfortable... I dont KNOW,,, hes sweet.

Hes not romantically interested in me. Which is a bit sad. Sometimes I want to tell him "I love you!!!" But then I remember that we are, in his words, friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. Two horny teenage boys who just wanna fuck... and be friends. That's all. That's us. We aren't romantically involved nor will we ever be. I hate how my brain gets so attached to anyone I fuck... especially since I kinda see Jay as an "older brother" figure, which makes no sense until you actually meet him and vibe with him... and like,,, I've always wanted that?

Tommorow I'm gonna ask for him to come over to watch a movie... but idk if I should actually ask because my parents kinda hate me now for fucking up so much. I'll do my homework and clean my room first... which will take up all my time proabably :( it's okay. Maybe some other time :(

I dont want him to lose interest in me though.

.... its 1:56 a.m.

Okay. Okay. I'll say it. I love him.

Goodnight, tumblr.

-Jude

[jerevino]

Sink In - Chapter 3

Pairing: Ryan/Gavin Plot: Vampire AU based on the post “vampires always like “i could kill you if I wanted” like? yeah? so could another human being. so could a dog. so could a dedicated duck. you arent special”

Chapter 1 / 2.  AO3 here.

Geoff was going to kill Gavin.

Even if the fucking killer got to him first, Geoff would march up to whatever deity was keeping Gavin’s ass on lockdown in the afterlife, force him to bring the idiot back to life, just so Geoff could kill him all over again.

He heard the phone hit the ground, the resounding echo forcing Geoff to recoil. When he put the phone back to his ear, the line was dead, and Geoff’s heart stopped. He was scared of a lot of things, far more jumpy than he cared to admit. His friends liked to make fun of him for being a wimpy piece of shit, and he took it in stride because they weren’t exactly wrong. But the silence on the line made his blood run cold, and Geoff was actually going to kill Gavin for scaring him like that.

He sprinted from his car, an endless barrage of fuck’s bursting from his mouth like gunfire. There was a very real possibility he was running into a deadly situation, and that he himself might become a target; and as Geoff struggled his way into the building, he had half a mind to wonder why he would do that for Gavin Free of all people. He would later blame the whole thing on his soft conscious and paternal instinct that reminded him that he was the only person on the goddamn planet who could look after Gav in this time of crisis.

It didn’t mean he wasn’t totally pissed, though.

They should have called the police last night, like he’d suggested. Geoff had only let it slide, because Gavin had seemed obviously more shaken that he was verbally letting on, and Geoff didn’t want to cause any extra panic. But fuck, now he was running up the stairs, quite possibly to his fucking doom, and Geoff knew he deserved more credit for his amazing intuition.

Also, why did Gavin have to live on the fifth floor?

By the time Geoff reached the top, he was wheezing, and if Gavin was perfectly fine in his apartment, he was going to strangle the British idiot for making him exercise on short notice. He tried the doorknob first, but when that didn’t work, Geoff opted for the loud approach.

“Gav? You alright in there? Open this fuckin’ door right now, and I’ll buy you a god damn cake. Gavin, bud, I mean it.” He punctuated every other word with a loud bang of his fist against the door. He heard commotion in the apartment behind him, but hardly cared if they thought he was obnoxious.

He banged on the door several more times, before deciding the wait was far too long. He slammed his shoulder once, twice, a third time against it, and reeled back for a fourth when the door flew open to reveal a disheveled but otherwise unharmed and very much alone Gavin Free.

“Dude, what the fuck?” Geoff demanded around ragged breaths, rubbing his shoulder in annoyance.

“Sorry…” Gavin responded, sheepishly holding up his duffel bag. “I thought my TV was a person, must’ve been the paranoia. I was going to call you back, but I looked out the window and you weren’t in your car. Figured you were coming up.”

Geoff stared at the Brit for several long moments, eyes narrowed in disbelief. He scanned the apartment behind Gavin suspiciously, but with nothing out of place, he couldn’t exactly prove that Gavin was lying. With a sigh, Geoff nodded and motioned for Gavin to get the fuck out and hurry up. “‘Kay. I can’t believe I ran for your sorry ass.”

“My bad, Geoff. Thanks, though.”

Despite Gavin’s cheeky grin, Geoff had a sneaking suspicion that there was something he was leaving out; but he chose not to push it, making his way to the elevator instead of the stairs this time.

~

Gavin was going to have a bloody heart attack before this man could even attempt to suck his blood out. His eyes were wide, wild, darting around the room for anything to get his hands on. In a clumsy reach, Gavin managed to snatch a knife from the block and hold it out to defend himself against the man who’d managed to sneak into his apartment.

“No- No, don’t do that, for the love of God, don’t -- agh. I’m not here to hurt you. Which… I guess might be hard to believe, but its true, and if you just put the knife away we can talk this out like men. Its really all just a big misunderstanding. Here, I brought you your wallet back.”

Gavin spluttered as the man tossed his wallet at him, brandishing the knife dangerously. He wasn’t dumb enough to let down his guard to catch it, and it fell uselessly to the floor. “You what? I saw you kill someone, you -- What’s to misunderstand? Get out, my friend is going to know what happened here, and he’ll call the police! I-I mean it.”

The other man held up his hands, like he was giving surrender, but Gavin didn’t buy it for a second. “I know, it seems all kinds of fucked up, but I’m not a serial killer, or a psychopath, or whatever other things might be going through your head. My name is Ryan Haywood, and I’m a vampire.”

Gavin blinked, gaze unfocused. His heart was still racing in his chest, breath coming in ragged pants, and he nearly jumped out of his own skin when he heard Geoff yelling on the other side of his door. Haywood looked surprised, but didn’t stop there.

“I know that that sounds pretty crazy, too. But I don’t want to kill you, and I don’t think you want to kill me. My threats before were just appearance, you know? Please - Let me explain myself. You haven’t called the police yet, so I’m holding out a little bit of hope, here. Harrington’s Bar, on the south side of town. Meet me there tonight, and I’ll explain it all. If it’s the police instead of you, I guess I’ll have my answer. But you won’t have yours.”

Gavin could only watch as Haywood made his way to the window, climbing out onto the fire escape with little complaint from him. Geoff’s banging was getting incessantly louder, so Gavin tucked the knife away and tried to compose himself before opening the door.

What the Christ just happened?

~

Gavin knew Geoff didn’t believe him.

Quite frankly, Gavin wasn’t sure why he’d lied about the whole thing. Maybe he wanted to keep Geoff safe; or maybe, Ryan Haywood had gotten into his head.

He’d always been curious by nature. He was infamous for asking his friends a plethora of hypothetical questions, or staying up until three in the morning watching documentaries he stumbled onto on Netflix. He had always wanted to know why, not just what, and that mentality was starting to bite him in the arse.

I’ll have my answer. But you won’t have yours. He was right, after all. Even if Gavin did as Geoff had suggested, and called the police; the nightmare would come to an end, but his own morbid curiosity and desire to know why would plague him for the rest of time. Sure, he was playing the role of judge, jury, and executioner all on his own, and that wasn’t fair. But people didn’t just suck blood for any reason - they had to have something going on in their head that made them act that way. He found the vampire gag to be a bit tacky, but if this Ryan Haywood thought that he was one, maybe he needed something other than solitary confinement.

The most pressing question of all was why he hadn’t killed Gavin.

Haywood had made some pretty nasty threats the first night they met, but had made no move against him. Even with Gavin helpless in his own apartment (anyone would look at Gavin wielding a knife and deem him still in need of assistance), Haywood had only wanted to talk. Sure, Gavin was still terrified, but the whole situation was chalking up to be something far more complicated, and he needed to know. It was eating him up inside.

His biggest problem was Geoff.

While he hadn’t said anything to Gavin about earlier, he was still watching him suspiciously. They’d had a serious argument in the car on the way home about the state of Gavin’s police calling, but he’d made a point about the location of the kill, the likelihood of someone else finding the body, and that it was better if Gavin stayed out of it for his own good.

Geoff wasn’t impressed, but Gavin had been far too adamant. Eventually, he’d deemed it a losing battle, but that hadn’t helped in the state of getting him to back off. As the day went on, Gavin came closer to deciding that he would humour a vampire serial killer over a pint (bollocks, he was insane, wasn’t he?), if only he could get past Geoff.

As it turned out, it hadn’t been as hard as he’d anticipated. One fake phone call later, and Gavin had his out.

“I’m going for drinks with Jeremy.” Gavin declared, shoving his newfound wallet into his back pocket with as fierce a look as he could manage when Geoff glanced up from his book. His smile was forced, because internally, Gavin was going a bit mental over his completely bloody insane idea to oblige a murderer.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, dude?”

Gavin laughed, a little strained but generally convincing. “Yeah, Geoff, it’s fine. No need to worry about me. Besides, Lil J’s tough enough to take anyone on, if it comes to that.”

Geoff looked skeptical, but could find no retort strong enough to keep Gavin in line, so he heaved a sigh and turned back to his book. “Okay, man. Just -- Call me if you need something.”

Gavin was touched by his friend’s kindness, and felt more than a little guilty that he was lying to him. But he had questions he wanted answered, and he was going to a relatively popular bar with enough pairs of eyes to protect him. What Geoff didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.

He departed with a salute, before hurrying out the door.

~

The cab ride to the bar felt far too long and much too short all at once, and Gavin might have marveled at the unique passing of time if he weren’t so bloody nervous. He’d started to wonder if this was more than a mistake and a half, and that perhaps he should have just turned around and called the police like a normal human being. Instead, he fidgeted with his phone in the backseat, and tried to keep up idle conversation with his cab driver despite the jitters that made his voice shake.

Stepping out of the cab and into the bar, was the toughest thing Gavin had ever done in his entire life. His fingers were shaking, his heart racing, his head pounding. With a deep breath, he pushed open the front door and marched inside with all the confidence he could muster.

Finding Haywood was easier than he’d expected, the man lounging in a booth in casual attire, sipping from a glass of dark liquid. Gavin thought the scene was rather obscure, not at all befitting a murderer. He appreciated the publicity of the booth, though, and it was enough to keep his legs moving.

Haywood glanced up as Gavin approached, a faint smirk accompanied by a contrasting surprised quirk of his brow. Gavin clenched his fists, slid into the booth, and glared at the other man despite the sound of his own pulse in his ears.

“Glad you could make it. I don’t hear sirens, so I’ll take that as a sign.” Haywood said softly, placing his glass back on the table with a clink. The casual tone with which he spoke infuriated Gavin, and gave him the fire he needed to spit back.

“You have five smegging minutes. I want to know what your side of the story is, I want to know why you killed someone, and why you think you’re a bloody vampire. I want to know, so I can decide whether to call the cops now, or alert those thugs over there instead.”

Haywood nodded, expression surprisingly calm for someone being threatened - even if it was by a lanky British bloke with pupils blown wide in fear. “Sounds fair enough. Let’s start with the most prevalent bit, yeah? I am a vampire. It’s a part of me as much as that stupid British accent is a part of you.”

Gavin scoffed, shaking his head. “You’re sick, then, is that it? You’re mental, and you think you’re a vampire, so you kill people for their blood. You need help, vampires don’t exist, and that’s not an excuse for murder!”

Haywood flinched as Gavin’s voice grew louder, his hand rising to get him to quiet down. “Yeah, I know that sounds nuts. But I’m not a murderer - Not by choice. What you saw was… I got sloppy, things got messy, and I’m sorry you witnessed it. But its the truth. I can’t control this, and I didn’t ask for it.”

Gavin laughed again, this time a higher pitched noise that verged on hysterical, because Jesus Effin’ Christ, was he actually entertaining this at all? Coming here had obviously been a mistake, he should have known better. “I don’t -- I don’t want your bloody sob story, because you’ve made the whole thing up in your head. You actually think - I’m not going to buy into a vampire story, mate, you need to get -”

“I can prove it.”

Gavin hesitated, head shaking slowly in disbelief. Haywood looked dead serious, but he supposed that happened when someone was living so deep inside a delusion. He opened his mouth again to protest, but Haywood was already reaching for the steak knife on the table. Gavin froze, eyes wide and fear spiking in his heart, and he needed to move, get out of the booth, because this man was really going to stab him right here in the bar and --

Haywood brought the knife to his palm and cut a decent sized slice into the skin there. Crimson oozed between his fingers, and it took every bit of willpower Gavin had not to retch. He could hardly force himself to look, but the other man spoke again and his words caught the Brit’s attention.

“Give this five minutes, and the wound will have stopped bleeding. It’ll look like a week old cut, not a fresh, open wound. It’s because my body heals faster - It’s the immortality.”

Gavin’s eyes were wide, still disbelieving. When he said nothing, Ryan tried again. “That man over there? He’s ordering a gin and tonic. I know, because I can hear him clear as day. Watch -”

They watched in silence until several moments later, the waitress returned to the man across the bar with the exact drink Ryan had predicted. Gavin shook his head. “You got a lucky guess in. Anyone could have ordered a gin and tonic, that’s not --”

“Look.” Ryan ordered, dabbing at his bloody hand with a napkin until the crimson had cleared. Where a sizable wound should have been was a half sealed slice, one that looked several days old, not several minutes. Gavin felt his heart begin to race again, head shaking more firmly than before, but he couldn’t deny what was in front of him.

“It’s a trick…” Gavin mumbled, leaning as far back in his seat as he could, to get away from the other man. “It’s fake, prosthetics or something… You’re insane, you’re not a--”

“You’re not going to believe me because you don’t want to, not because it isn’t real. Look at my hand, look at the evidence, look at the fact that I haven’t killed you despite how easy you’ve made it. I don’t want to kill - I don’t like to kill. I do it because I don’t have a choice, because of this god damn curse. I can’t fix it because everyone does exactly what you’re doing. They don’t believe, and if they do, they want to hunt me down for it.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Gavin whispered, swallowing down the lump that formed in his throat. “Why do you… Why do you want me to know? I haven’t called the police yet, you don’t have any reason to believe…”

Haywood sighed, running a hand through his hair, suddenly looking exhausted. “Because I’m not a bad person, and I figure the person who witnessed that trainwreck should be able to compress some of the horror of it into bite-sized chunks.”

“You can’t be a… They’re not real. They can’t be real.”

Ryan shrugged. “It’d be nice if they weren’t. I’d be fifty six, if they weren’t. Physically, at least. I guess I’ve technically still be alive for fifty six years. I could be married and have kids, but that’s hard to do when you’re struck with uncontrollable bloodlust every few weeks. I know it seems impossible. Sometimes it still feels impossible. But I can’t control it, or deny it, and you might actually be a lot safer knowing that we’re out there.”

Gavin swallowed. “What? So I can wear garlic and carry a bloody stake around with me? That sounds ridiculous. This all sounds ridiculous.”

Ryan flashed a smile, and Gavin could have sworn his canines looked sharper than normal - But that could have easily been a part of the psychotic delusion, where he’d worn down his own teeth to resemble a vampire… Couldn’t it? Maybe Gavin was just reading into it too much.

“How do you think it feels, walking around being something that people think sparkles? Pretty fucking stupid.” Ryan asked, laughing to himself although it sounded bitter. “The garlic thing isn’t true, but a good stake to the heart would kill anyone.”

“You would kill anyone.” Gavin retorted. “Even if this is true… You still kill people. I don’t care what the reason is, that’s still murder. You don’t seriously expect me to just forget that, do you?”

Ryan shook his head, expertly hiding his own grimace. “No. You’re right, after all. It’s still murder. But I guess this is me saying you don’t have to worry about me exacting any revenge. I don’t kill in cold blood, and I don’t kill because it’s fun. I’m a hunter. I do what I can to stay alive.”

When Gavin didn’t say anything, Ryan pulled out a piece of paper from one pocket, and a pen from another, scribbling a set of digits down that Gavin quickly realized were a phone number.

“Here. I know you’re probably confused as all hell, and you need some time to mull it over. But if you need to know more… If you call the police, I guess I can’t say I don’t blame you, but I’ll be skipping town before they can find me, and it’ll be for naught. I wish I had more proof, but sadly, being a vampire isn’t exactly all its cracked up to be.”

Gavin scrambled from the booth, eyes wide and confused. He stared at Ryan for several long moments, unsure of what to say. The entire situation had gone tits up, and he wasn’t sure what to think or believe. Finally, he offered the other man a nod, snatched up the paper, and hurried from the bar without another word.

[3inghao]

crush anon here and AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON bc i feel like out of all of us we have the weirdest (?) relationship bc we dont even have each other on social media or each others numbers and like again im still not in their group chat?? only me and my other suitemate (the other asian girl) arent in the group chat??? which is like,, really weird bc they mention it a lot but theyve never made any moves to add (1/15)

us to the group chat and like thats not really something you can just like,, ask to join,,, and so they all hang out and grab meals together or whatever and idk i guess its just bc they dont have as much schoolwork i guess?? and my roommate and him are both film majors so they have similar classes and i guess i just havent had that many opportunities to hang out otherwise?? but like ive only seen him once since drunk (2/15)

night and it was yesterday and it was because he was downstairs in the dance room of our hall taking pictures of three of the girls from our friend group for his hw and after theywere done they just came up toour room and hung out and like ,, i wanted to talk to him more but then my friend started swiping through her tinder and so he started to swipe through his and then my roommate and her started doing the matches (3/15)

on tinder for him and it was like,, they were judging the girls as they went by like ‘oh shes cute’ or ‘oh my god shes so weird’ and it was mostly them but i felt really uncomfortable bc they were all like attractive girls and i was like ahh,,, i guess theres me the potato ,, and like i dont want my friends to know i like him either bc 1. theyd all think its like the worst idea in the world bc everyone knows how much of a player he is (4/15)

2. i still dont know if my roommates into him and 3. i still dont really know him super well and it would just be so weird for the friend group?? dating within the friend group would be a terrrrrrible idea too,,, and like im so confused about what to do but one thing i do know is that i will never tell the friend group at least until i get closer to them and him.. and even so i dont think he likes me,, although i do think hes intrigued by me,, (5/15)

if that makes any kind of sense at all… i know hes actively trying to hook up/date other girls bc of the whole tinder incident and also the other guy friend in our friend group (went to hs with x) told us that he was trying to get with this british girl he met in an elevator bc she was super pretty (and again when i say super pretty i mean it bc the girls they were swiping left on tinder were all so pretty too ????) but yeah i just felt my (6/15)

stomach drop when i heard that bc i knew what kind of guy he was even before i had a crush on him but i cant help but feel so terrible whenever stuff like that happens.. and yet at the same time i feel like our dynamic is different anyways?? like idk if this makes sense but you know when you can just feel like theres something more to your relationship with a person?? like idk this might just be me projecting my delusional (7/15)

hopes and desires onto this interpretation but i can sense like we are both trying to feel each other out, and that we dont really know how to act around each other, and i feel like im so crazy and i must be imagining it but every time we make eye contact it always feels just a tiny bit longer than normal or with other people??? you know????? im honestly going insane thinking about this,, and every time we were together (8/15)

before drunk night i would shut myself down around him like i tried to avoid eye contact or engaging in conversation bc i was so scared of letting myself fall for him but it happened anyways and now im still scared but im trying to put myself out there and engage with him but then things happen like the tinder thing and i just shut right back down yesterday and pretended like i was really focused on my schoolwork or my (9/15)

readings and ahhh i really dont know whats going on anymore i still have so much hw to do on top of that and i dont see him often bc he doesnt live in the same hall as me, im not in the group chat, and im not the same major as him so essentially we only hang out on the weekends or occasionally on the weekdays if he comes over to our dorms bc my suitemates invite him or whatever ahhhhhh i cant stop thinking about it (10/15)

and i just keep oscillating back and forth from thinking that somethings finally gonna happen and that theres a crazy spark there to thinking that theres absolutely zero interest from his end and that he would never like me and that i would never want to be with a guy like that anyways and ahhhhh i know i just have to wait it out and continue to work on it (at least being his friend) but at the same time i feel like i should just drop the (11/15)

whole thing and pretend like that drunk night never happened and just treat him with polite distance and act like my opinion of him is 100% just neutral guy that im kinda friends with and has had some good times with but i also know nothing will ever happen unless im trying from my end and actively showing interest in him but again it would be so weird bc i cant flirt with him bc my friends would 1000000% be able to tell and i (12/15)

know its still too early ahhhh my head is spinning im literally going insane AHHHHHHHHHHH sorry and literally just as im writing this my roommate is facetiming her friend and was telling her a story and she referred to our group as ‘our friend group and also two other people who live with us’ MEANING she doesnt consider me and the other girl to be part of the friend group and i knew that deep down i really wasnt but i (13/15)

hang out with these guys a lot and i try my best to be supportive but not too clingy and idk what im doing wrong??? why do people not want to be my friend??? i?????????? im sorry for being so depressing but this is legit what i feel !!! and ahh i just kinda want to distance myself away from these people and get my own friend group but at the same time i dont bc i love these people but the thing is i dont know/i dont think (14/15)

they love me !!!!! wowie wow wow anyways that was my entire fucking rant about life in general and im sorry if im burdening you but i hope this message finds you well

AHHHHHHH CRUSH ANON IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I’m starting to feel better now I was at a real low place the past two weeks and just feeling bleh but i’m getting some help and i’ll be fine :))) but since it’s been so long WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED i don’t think you need to give up on your feelings for him and i don’t think you need to give up on the friend group, they’ve probs just been more tight-knit for longer so it’ll just take time before you’re fully part of the group, if that’s what u want. Don’t stress about the boy tho!!!! if it’s meant to happen it will ya know, you can’t force something. Maybe try just being friends with him first and maybe go from there?? ahhh i feel so bad at giving advice lolollll i hope i’m helpful or can just be some that can lend an ear to you to rant

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #3; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

PART THREEE, FACEBOOK IM NOT A HARM TO MYSELF OR OTHERS THIS IS IN MY PAST XX TRIGGER WARNING XX 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .

[elliotthezubat]

DEATH CITY DAYS CHAPTER 116

 Joker: "Good morning!" *grabs a thermos of coffee* "Well, I'm heading out~"

nana: whatever.

sasori: *yaaawn*

scarlet: how was the first night for you?

sasori: i slept well, all things considered...

Joker: *looks outside* "..." *taps a security device on the door before climbing up an indoor stairway*

sasori: so, what am i supposed to be doing?

scarlet: for starters, getting a decent meal.

Joker: *calls back* "And keep an eye on Nana--she bites!"

nana: SCREW YOU!

sasori: .___.;

Joker: "..." *shuts the door, looks up the stairs...then flashes away*

-elsewhere-

Inka: *walking through streets with a hoodie on* "...You didn't need to follow me for this."

ritsu: *in gothic lolita attire with a parasol* but it's important to keep you safe, besides, i enjoy a little people watching~

Inka: "...Uh huuuuuuh..." *looking around* "The fire trail is faint...but I think I see where a fight will happen soon enough..."

-elsewhere-

Tsukiyo: *shivers* "Ugh, they said a giant laser hit the Moon. Is Haijima working on blowing it up now or something?"

Konro: *looking at his medicine* "Gee, what if the medicine comes from aliens?"

Tsukiyo: "WHAT?!"

Konro: ^^; "I'm just making a little joke..."

fang-hua: ^^; still, pretty scary stuff.....

Tsukiyo: -3- "Anything that hurts the Moon is an offense to me."

Benimaru: "Look who's got a high opinion of herself."

Tsukiyo: >3<

-elsewhere-

eibon: nngh.... *opening his eyes*

Blair: "Hello, sir...Feeling better?"

eibon: i suppose so...*looking around*

Blair: "We had you moved to Gallows Manor. But your children told us what you may like us to bring over."

eibon: ah, i see. are they around?

Blair: *nods* "They were making some soup for you..."

eibon: ah. *tries to get up*

Blair: "Wow--rest up! You need to recuperate..."

eibon: yes, right....

Blair: "I'll call your kids in~" ^w^

-elsewhere-

Lucy: "Feeling better this morning?"

atsushi: yeah, i guess so...

Lucy: "...But...?"

atsushi: but what?

Lucy: >3< "But you just said 'guess so,' so there must be something else still bothering you!"

atsushi: well, i guess im still kind of tired. ^^;

Lucy: "..." *sets down some tea* "Did you sleep at all?"

atsushi: i dont remember falling asleep.

Lucy: "?! Then no wonder you're tired. So, you didn't sleep at all, or you fell asleep but didn't feel like you slept?"

Atsushi: yeah pretty much.

Lucy: "That's no good. We're asking Kunikida to give you today off."

-elsewhere-

Vulcan: "Nice wheels, Hibana..."'

Hibana: "Only the best. Also, why are you here?"

Vulcan: "I want to have a word with Haijima, too! After the shit they did with my family's work!"

Viktor: *rubbing his hands*

shinra: *fiddling with his tie*

Akitaru: "Feel alright? Too tight?"

shinra: i dunno, im not used to formal wear.

Akitaru: "You've had to wear your formal uniform before. Just think of this as workplace training."

shinra: yep, my palms are sweating already.

Viktor: "Yeah, facing your eminent demise does that." Q_Q

-elsewhere-

Saria: "I spy with my little eye...something that starts with 'S'!"

genny: *sigh* is it sand?

Saria: "Correct!"

lei-lei: *balancing a pencil on her nose*

Asher: =_= *squinting eyes*

Monica: *has stolen a soda from the cooler*

stephanie: oooh are those piercings real?

Kau'i: "Yes, they are real. Like 'em?"

stephanie: super shiny!

Kau'i: "Um, thanks? What, never seen piercings?"

stephanie: of course i have! i've had piercings since i was a baby!

Kau'i: "Huh--your parents were the type to pierce your ears as a baby?"

stephanie: my mommy's a beauty queen in california, and she has lots of friends!

Kau'i: "Like beauty pageants and stuff?"

stephanie: yep! but most of her friends are guys. she invites them over a lot. ^^

bully 2:.....bruh...

Monica: *waves* "Just drop it."

stephanie: ok!

Kau'i: -_-; "Odd group..."

Derek: "Maybe don't talk so friendly to the lower grades."

-elsewhere-

Haijima Secretary: "Right this way."

shinra: *sweating*

Secretary: *opens the doors to a corporate office...that has shelves of video game systems along the wall*

shinra: ??

*The President is seated at a desk, playing a Game Boy*

shinra: *takes a seat, smiling nervously*

Viktor: *sweating, as he takes his seat*

Hibana: *sits, crosses her arms*

Akitaru: "Thank you for agreeing to meet with us..."

kahono: *enters with some coffee and a slice of toast*

President: *staring at the Game Boy*

Viktor: Q_Q

Hibana: -_-;

shinra: *AHEM*

President: "Shhhhh. I'm fighting Tatanga."

Akitaru: "Um...Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice?"

Hibana: *facepalm*

kahono: sir, please focus.

President: "Hmm? Oh, it's you. Well, it's good you're here--if you want to continue to function as Fire Force Companies, you can't afford to make enemies with Haijima Heavy Industries."

Hibana: -___-; "I'm already on the Board of Directors, so I'm fine. But these fools are screwed."

shinra: *GULP*

Akitaru: "...Is that a threat?"

President: *sets down the Game Boy, stares at them* "I won't waste your time today, so let's get to the point: I want to form an alliance against the Preacher."

shinra: so you arent working with them then?

President: "Why would Haijima work with someone trying to destroy the world? There's no profit in that--trust me, we've looked into it: you can't make money if the world comes to an end. Did you know that? I didn't."

shinra: .....

President: "We extend this offer not lightly: we want something in exchange from you, Shinra Kusakabe."

shinra: and what is that?

President: "The Adora Burst--we want to see how it works."

shinra: for the record, i dont know how all it works 100% either.

President: "Which is why you will be residing here."

shinra: ??!!

kahono: sir-

President: "If Kusakabe agrees, I will suspend all testing on the children."

shinra: !!!!!

Hibana: "..."

President: "Not a bad deal, right?"

kahono: sir, if i may interject, i feel mr kusakabe has a right to live a normal life. he seems content with being in the 8th. i feel it wouldnt be fair to him to take that away from him...

President: "I am thinking about the good of this company and our shared desires to stop the Preacher: letting him have a 'normal' life compromises how quickly we can solve this problem, which costs us time and money."

shinra: hey, im not an object, you know.

President: "So you decline this deal?"

shinra: i....i need time to think about it.

President: "Ah, I get it--you're driving a hard bargain. Very well--if you join, I will cancel the assassination order I put out on Viktor Licht."

Viktor: "WHAT?!!"

shinra: .....

Akitaru: "This is insane--you are admitting that you were trying to murder one of my men? That does not convince me you are not in league with the Preacher. My investigations already point the finger at your organization having some relationship to the Preacher and the secret of Amaterasu."

kahono: commander oubi-

Akitaru: "Viktor, tell them."

Viktor: "We know there is something--someone--inside Amaterasu. We discovered that some inhuman is the real founder of the Holy Sol Temple. And it's not unreasonable you have some connection to the Preacher after your work with Giovanni and..." *glances at Hibana*

Hibana: *frowns*

kahono: .....

President: "So, because the Holy Sol Temple is founded by some inhuman, and because Haijima worked with the Temple to make Amaterasu, you suspect us?"

Viktor: "It's a reasonable assumption..."

President: "I will not ignore that Haijima breaks multiple laws to further our research. As you said, it is public knowledge we condoned--hell, we _approved_, Hibana's research with the Witch Shaula. Did you know that?"

shinra: !!!

Hibana: "..." *nods*

Viktor: "...Then the human inside Amaterasu--"

President: "Yes. We put a human inside Amaterasu to power it."

shinra:....*shakes and covers his mouth*

Akitaru: *puts a hand on his shoulder*

shinra:....i dont feel well.....

President: "It is thanks to her sacrifice that Death City enjoys an independent power source regardless of the multiple disasters that are visited upon this city--"

Akitaru: "You...monsters..."

President: "..." *goes back to his Game Boy* "Tell me, Commander. If you could've substituted yourself for your wife and daughter, would you?"

Akitaru: "..." *tosses the chair back, reaching across the desk--*

kahono: commander oubi-

Akitaru: *grabs the President by the tie--*

Secretary: *pulls out a gun, aims it at Akitaru's head* "Let go."

shinra: !!!!!!!!

kahono: !!!!!

Hibana: *has a fan to the Secretary's neck* "You first, bitch."

Viktor: *hiding under his chair*

kahono: ok everyone, take a deep breath and think happy thoughts.

President: "..." *nods to the Secretary*

Secretary: "..." *lowers the gun*

Hibana: "I'm not putting the fan down, so keep talking, _sir_."

Akitaru: *glaring at the President*

President: "As I was saying, we want to keep Amaterasu running. That is why we need someone else with the Adora Burst..."

shinra: ........

President: "Mr. Kusakabe...With your Burst, we could save the lives of millions depending on energy..."

secretary: why him and not the kurai girl. doesnt she also possess the burst?

shinra: !!!!!

President: "Good question--too many lawyers, too much money."

shinra:......

President: "But you don't have that problem, Mr. Kusakabe. And we know you have a hero complex--a desire to save others. I would think you would be willing to give up your own life as a firefighter to save someone else, yes?"

shinra: ....if it came down to it, yeah....

Akitaru: "No."

shinra: commander?

Akitaru: "You undervalue your own life to think you have to throw it away...when you know your survival means you can save more lives."

kahono: he's right. you have so much potential, it'd be a waste to throw it all away.

Akitaru: *pats Shinra's shoulder* "So let's do more than just sacrifice ourselves...Let's save lives."

???: sir, you arent allowed in there!

*the door is knocked down--along with a security guard*

kahono: oh goodness.

Vulcan: "I HEARD EVERYTHING--AND I CAN BUILD A NEW AMATERASU THAT WON'T NEED ANY HUMAN SACRIFICES!"

kahono: how ambitious, that's a joseph for you.

President: "??? Joseph? Oh, let him speak."

Vulcan: "I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION TO SPEAK! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, ANYWAY?!"

shinra: there's a name tag right there.

-the name plate on the desk reads 'Gureo Haijima'-

Vulcan: "...Wait, this guy's the president?" *looks around* "...The hell is with all the video game systems?"

Gureo: "You say you can build Amaterasu without sacrificing one person?"

Vulcan: "Huh? Oh, yeah--I can do that! I've seen enough creatures die off for 'progress,' and I won't let you bastards kill more people!"

Akitaru: "I think you should pursue this plan, _sir_. It'd be less illegal and not get Shinra killed."

Gureo: "...Would it cost much?"

Vulcan: "I just need the equipment and parts!"

Gureo: "No pay?"

Vulcan: "I don't need your blood money!"

Gureo: "Okay, it's a deal. We won't sacrifice Kusakabe to Amaterasu."

shinra: and the kids and viktor?

Gureo: "Like I said, we'll cancel the assassination order on Licht."

Viktor: *passes out* XwX

shinra: just like that?

Gureo: "Just like that..." *sets down the Game Boy, showing a microphone on it*

shinra:....what's the catch?

Gureo: "The catch is we will not suspend child testing."

kahono: rest assured, the kids are being taken well care of. i've made sure of that, sir.

Akitaru: "..."

Gureo: "It would be a waste not to learn as much as we can about their abilities."

shinra:....as long as you arent hurting anyone, im alright with this.

kahono: shall i show them out, sir?

Gureo: *nods* "Yes, please. I have other meetings to attend to..." *pulls out a 3DS* "...Oh, darn--I missed my house visit with Hambo..."

-as they walk outside, shinra spots tatsu, who waves to him-

shinra: *waves back*

Kurono: *watching* "..."

kahono: that reminds me, i wanted to give you something, shinra. *hands him a paper* i photocopied this drawing that tatsu did last night.

-the drawing is of him, shinra, kahono, kurono, puppet girl, and the other kids-

shinra:.....*smiles*

Akitaru: "Shinra? Hibana is going to drive us to the hospital..."

shinra: !! r-right...

kahono: let's all meet up for coffee sometime. ^^

Hibana: "Hmm."

-elsewhere-

lisa: *looking around*

Arthur: "Always be on the look-out for interlopers..."

maki: how're you holding up?

lisa: the coat's a bit heavier than i was expecting.

Arthur: "It is modified for different people depending on ability. For example, I need to be able to swing my arms, so the fabric there is lighter."

lisa: ah. so i guess im just using a standard issue coat right now?

maki: pretty much. but we can always have something custom made for you.

Arthur: *nods* "Sister Iris modifies some of the coats, so you can ask her later."

lisa: i see.

maki: i helped shinra with his pants....that sounds weird saying it out loud.

lisa: ^^; come to think of it, you and iris helped vul with tamaki's new uniform, right?

maki: yep!

Arthur: "..." *looks down*

lisa:...hey, you alright arthur?

Arthur: "...I should have considered more what she was feeling."

lisa: ??

Arthur: "...Since leaving the First, she has never completely gotten over what happened..."

lisa:.....

maki:.....

Arthur: "Perhaps we should have asked her to sit out that mission..."

lisa:...maybe i could talk to her? i dont know what all happened, but maybe i could help?

Arthur: "...Right, I forgot--you too have experiences with betraying someone's trust--you're perfect for this task!"

lisa: *GLARES* you get a 2 minute head start.

Arthur: "??? Then what happens?"

maki: *GASP* look! the new wan-wan-nyan mascot keychains are out!

lisa: !! *looks*

maki: *kicks arthur aside* so cuuuute! they're in little summer outfits!

lisa: hnng! i need to get one of each!

Arthur: "?!" *falls on his face--then keeps rolling down the road like a ball*

-elsewhere-

izumi: *looking out the window*

*the desert stretches out...there's a dune up ahead...*

Sid: *pulls the bus over*

preston: have we arrived already?

Sid: "Exit the bus and stand by the road--we'll be walking to the campsite."

genny: we're gonna die.

Derek: "You're not going to die--we got cloaks for everyone who didn't bring one, so put them on to shield against the sun."

lei-lei: woohoo! this is gonna be so fun!

Asher + Monica: "No, it won't."

Asher: "..."

Monica: "..."

Kau'i: *passing out cloaks...* *looks at Lukas* "Here's your cloak."

lukas: thank you.

Saria: "I'm glad you brought the sunglasses."

lukas: best to be cautious.

Saria: *smiles*

Sid: "Hurry up--we want to get to the campsite before the sun gets any higher."

-elsewhere-

Relan: ^^; "I'm fine, really...You can let go now."

shinra: im just....happy you're alive...

Relan: "Y-Yeah?"

shinra: *holding relan's good hand* if you need anything at all, let us know, ok?

Relan: *nods* "I will. I just wish I was back in the field...Not that I am as much use as Lieutenant Hinawa..."

shinra: ...

iris: ....well, nozomi did bring over some audio books for you.

Relan: "Oh, great! Please tell her thanks..."

-elsewhere-

Inka: *sniffs* "..." *points down a road in the slums*

ritsu: *follows*

Inka: "...You may want to step back. Given what I'm sensing, we'll have an explosive fight happening..." *she follows a line towards a building*

sasori: *in a hoodie, walking along*

Inka: *follows the line...smiles* "Bingo."

sasori: *looks at a list*

Inka: *following 10 steps behind...the line is circling around Sasori...Inka's finger twitches, but she's not lifting her hand* "..."

ritsu: ??

Inka: "C-Could you not look at this? It's making me nervous..." *the line has circled around*

ritsu: *looking away*

Inka: *traces her finger towards Sasori...then the line continues until it reaches Ritsu's head, where Inka zaps her brain*

ritsu: *collapses*

Inka: *catches her* "..." ("The hell with these lines wanting me to knock Ritsu out but not Sasori?!") *looks where Sasori was heading*

-she's gone-

Inka: "Shit!"

-elsewhere-

Crona: *unconscious*

mami: ........

Ragnarok: *growling, shaking*

mami:....*trying not to cry* please....stop....

Ragnarok: *twisting under constraints, melting and solidifying as he screams* "LET ME OUT! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"

*knock knock*

Spirit: *peeks in*

mami:.......

Spirit: "Hey..."

mami:...*nods*

Spirit: "How's Crona?"

mami:...*bites her lip*

Spirit: "..." *pats her shoulder*

mami: im scared....

Spirit: "I know. Lord Death is doing everything he can..."

mami: i-if something happens to them i-....i dont know what i'll do....

Spirit: "Hey, don't think like that. Crona is going to be fine."

mami:......

Spirit: "What they need right now is for you to be strong--so when they wake up..."

mami:...r-right....

Spirit: "Have you gotten any sleep?"

-elsewhere-

Harris: "Hello, Nataku. Ready to begin?"

tatsu: *steady breaths* ok. im ready.

Kurono: *walks into the room*

-elsewhere-

Axel: =n= "It's too hot...Why couldn't we have done this by the beach?"

Yafeu: "I'VE ALREADY RE-APPLIED SUNSCREEN TWICE SINCE WE GOT OUT HERE! STUPID SMALL NUMBER OF SPF!"

genny: *being carried by lei-lei*

Sid: "Imagine the challenges for someone like me. I once had to dig through the desert here looking for something a witch buried..."

Kanin: *looking out at the distance* "???" *squints his eyes* "Um, Miss Naigus? What's that on the horizon?"

amelia:....!!!

*it's a sandstorm!*

nygus: everyone, take cover!

Asher: "Shit..." *grabs Izumi, pulling her to the ground*

Axel: *grabs onto Zeke*

hibiki: *hiding behind a rock*

Kau'i: "Shit...Dagon, transform!"

*the storm...seems to be just circling around them?*

izumi: ??? (the heck?)

fuyuka: EEP!

lukas: !! saria!

Saria: "On it!" *transforms into her whip form*

-GRAB-

lukas: *yanks back*

fuyuka: *lands*

Sid: "Hang on just a little longer, everyone!"

Duncan: "This is crazy!"

Kazue: "..." *looks up* "?!"

*a giant shadow is forming over the group*

hibiki: !!! zeke, axel! transform!

zeke: right!

Axel: "On it!" *does so*

Yafeu: "WHAT IS THAT?!"

*in the shadow...eyes open*

hibiki: *throwing zeke at it's eye*

zeke: HYAAH!

*a giant hand forms, grabbing Zeke*

Axel: "?!!! BRO!"

Yafeu: "CRUDE! FIRE AT THAT THING!"

preston: *takes aim and shoots*

???: "..." *bricks form around the exterior of the giant--and start falling onto the students*

Kazue: "?!!!" *flash steps, grabbing NOTers to get them out of the way*

lumina: *shooting with a revolver arm*

*then out of the giant appears...a statue of two people kissing?*

genny: W-WHAT THE HECK!???! O//////o

*a giant laser beam is charging up from the giant*

izumi: !!!!

Sid: *calls into a walkie talkie* "Okay, you two--that's enough."

*the sandstorm fades, while the giant is revealed as a genie-esque creature*

zeke: *changes back and falls onto the ground* ow!

Sid: "That concludes your first test. Say hello to your guest lecturers..."

*The genie shrinks down*

Jinn: "..."

zubaidah: i see some of you need work on your reflexes

genny: 7////7;;;

Jinn: "And tossing a projectile weapon at an enemy before ascertaining its powers put your weapon at risk." *offers a hand to Zeke*

zeke: ehehe. ^^;;

Sid: "Good work, Lukas, Saria."

lukas: thank you, sir!

Saria: "Fuyuka, you okay?"

fuyuka: Q_Q im sorry i got swept up...

Sid: "That is why we had this crash course--so that you all take more seriously the dangers you will face as meisters and weapons."

hibiki:....

Axel: TnT

Duncan: "...I knew this was a test all along."

amelia: you arent fooling anyone.

Duncan: >3<

Jinn: "Ha. Now, hurry up--you still got some distance to go."

-elsewhere-

Vulcan: *setting out blueprints*

Viktor: *unpacking*

nozomi: oh, you're back!

karin: how did it go?

Viktor: "I'm not dead!"

Vulcan: "I'm building a new Amaterasu."

karin: wow! that's amazing, vulcan!

Vulcan: "Thanks...This is going to be a challenge..."

shinra: *looking down at his lunch*

Petra: "??? Something wrong with your meal?"

shinra: it's really good....*wipes his eyes*

Petra: "...I haven't seen my cooking bring tears. Did something happen at Haijima, or the hospital?"

shinra: im just...really emotional about everything, i guess.

Petra: "Hmph. 'Emotional,' or responding in an expected way?"

shinra i-i dunno....

Petra: "...I'm sorry what happened to Relan. Is he going to be okay?"

shinra: h-he should be better by november...

Petra: *nods* "That's something at least."

-elsewhere-

Kid: "..."

liz: everything ok?

Kid: "...Something is wrong again."

liz: *listening*

Kid: *rubs his hands* "It's not taking me over. But I can sense madness."

liz: hmmm...

Kid: "It-It's too coincidental with everything going on."

liz: well, patti and i are here for you. ok?

Kid: *nods* "I-I don't feel like I've lost control, not like before...but this is here. And I can't find it."

-elsewhere-

Asher: *panting*

nygus: should we take a break here?

Sid: "It has been an hour--but they do need to push beyond their limits..."

Axel: *holding onto his brother* T~T "I was so worried I was gonna lose you, bro!"

zeke: *pat pat*

amelia: should we be drinking from our canteens?

Sid: "On average, you'll lose 900 ML of sweat every hour--so I suggest you drink that much..."

genny: how do we even estimate that? -~-;;;

Kanin: "That's about 30 oz, so make sure you're drinking about 4 of those water bottles every hour."

genny: .. .///. r-right...

Yafeu: "HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?"

preston: permission to take off my shirt? ^w^;;;;

stephanie: eeeew he's all sweaty!

Monica: "Gross--can't believe they let someone like that here. He'd probably be the first one caught..."

lukas: do those girls ever shut up? -_-#

Bully 2: "The fuck you say?" *shoves Lukas*

lukas: WOAH! *trips over a rock....and somehow falls out of his pants and shirt* GYA! >///~///<;;;

Saria: >\\\\< "You jerks! What is wrong with you?!" *picks up Lukas's clothes*

Jinn: "..."

Monica: "Ha! Nice ass, bitch!"

hibiki: can you just stop?

Kau'i: "... ... ..."

nygus: alright, settle down everyone.

Monica: "He can't even keep his clothes on--how is this shit-for-brains going to handle a real fight?"

Derek: "Miss Nygus, I think breaking up that group may be best--to keep an eye on them."

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: "Keep security around my residence while we're out."

higuchi: right. i'll be around.

Chuuya: "Thanks...No sign of the Rats?"

higuchi: nothing thus far. we've had a raid on zverkov mining, but nothing...

Chuuya: "...This may sound crazy...but you've heard the stories of Infernals underground?"

higuchi: ....i've heard rumors, but those are j-just ghost stories, right? ^^;

Chuuya: "Best be careful. Hell, at this point, roping in an expert wouldn't be the worst--"

Motojiro: *pops up behind Higuchi*

higuchi: FBSHKUIYVGJSKHVOLSL>KVHLI>L!??!?!?

-KICK TO THE FACE-

Motojiro: "..." *collapses*

Chuuya: "...Well, technically an expert."

higuchi: DAMMIT KAJII YOU CANT JUST SNEAK UP ON PEOPLE LIKE THAT!!

Motojiro: *has a fist imprint in his face* "I just get excited about new discoveries--like making sure your surveillance teams don't get burnt to a crisp by pyrokinetic level 5 horned Infernals with the capacity of incinerating human flesh, bone, and muscle at 1381 degrees Celsius!"

higuchi:............ .______.;;;;;

Chuuya: "Kajii, maybe accompany one of the teams--and bring a fire extinguisher."

-elsewhere-

Joker: *looking around* "..." *walks back down the stairs* "I'm home~"

sasori: hey, i got that thing you asked me to get.

Joker: "Super!" *holds out his hand*

sasori: *hands him the bag*

Joker: *opens the bag--and inhales deeply* "Ah, good stuff..."

sasori: *looks*

Joker: *pulls out some leaves*

sasori: -____- getting that for you was _not_ fun.

Joker: "Oh, for real? Did they overcharge?"

sasori: the smell wasnt too great. and i felt like all eyes were on me on the way home.

Joker: "...Huh. Maybe you're sensitive to this stuff."

sasori: =_=# well for starters i'm 16...

Joker: "Eh, that's not too young--I was a few years older than you...Want a hit?"

sasori: pass.

Joker: " 'Kay. I'm going to nod off for a bit..."

sasori: im just gonna check on nana.

Joker: "Good plan..." *walks to his room*

sasori:.......

-elsewhere-

Sid: "Start by laying down your blanket. We're going to need to weight them down against desert winds."

hibiki: using rocks, right?

Sid: "Right. But check the rocks for crevices--you don't want something full of wildlife. You also can bring weighted items with you to put on the blankets, like Derek did."

stephanie: >~<;;

Monica: *shakes a rock at Stephanie* "Beware--we have scorpions in these rocks."

stephanie: just no tarantulas, they're so creepy!!

???: "You got a problem with spiders, kid?"

stephanie: OwO eh?

Sid: "Oh, look who finally showed up."

???: -~- "It's hot as balls here...and I got lost." *pulls down his hoodie, revealing Giriko*

izumi: oh, arent you that guy from the other day?

Giriko: "??? Oh, you're that girl who--" *remembers knocking out one of the kids* O____O;

{*flashbacks to Giriko talking to Lord Death*}

{Giriko: *curled up against the mirror* "I SAID I WAS SORRY!"}

{lord death: now, you'll be on your best behavior for this trip, wont you?}

{Giriko: "YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES! JUST FUCKING CUT IT OUT ALREADY! THIS IS TORTURE!"}

{Yumi: *holding up My Little Pony fanfiction* "I can read more."}

Giriko: Q___Q "...I think I need sleep. Which one of you brats is going to make my tent?"

Monica: *staring*

Giriko: *turns, spots Monica* "...SHIT! A ZOMBIE!" *falls back*

Sid: -_-####

nygus: rude.

Monica: -\\\-# "Asshole."

Saria: "Zeke, I need another rock here."

zeke: got it. YO! this rock looks like australia!

Kanin: "Oh, hey, it kind of does!"

Duncan: "No, the bottom isn't curved enough..."

zeke: it almost does tho. WHO WANTS THE AUSTRALIA ROCK?

Axel: "Dude, a rock this awesome needs to be held by the person most deserving of it. I suggest Rock Paper Scissors."

zeke: hehe good one.

Saria: "I'm game! We keep going in groups until only 2 are left?"

-elsewhere-

Child: *crying* "My cat is stuck up the tree..."

lisa: alright, we'll get the kitty down. *lifts herself with her tentacles and picks the cat up*

Cat: "Nya?" *sniffs at Lisa*

Child: *sniffle* "Thank you, ma'am!"

lisa: no problem. ^^

Arthur: *looking around* "..." *spots an alley*

maki: ?? you ok arthur?

Arthur: "..."

{Arthur: *tied to a chair* "Let me out..."}

Arthur: "N-Nothing..."

maki:......

Arthur: "...Um, are there any more feeds to do for the serfs, or should we retire?" *avoiding eye contact*

-elsewhere-

Hibana: *changing her bandage*

gabriella: mikami and ryuuko offered to take hanako out today.

Hibana: "..." *nods* *applies the bandage...hand shakes*

gabriella:.....*holds her hand*

Hibana: "..." *squeeze*

gabriella: do you want to talk about it?

Hibana: "...I wanted, so badly, to find out who did that to the sisters...and how it could be replicated..."

gabriella: *listening*

Hibana: "Then I unlocked it, creating pyrokinetics...or whatever they are. I still don't know--the implementation of that witch's magic made these...things that aren't quite like Infernals. And I just got roped up in wanting to learn more and more..."

gabriella:.....

Hibana: "I just told myself, like when we experimented on that serial killer Infernal, 'Maybe they can finally be useful with their lives'... ...The hell is wrong with me."

gabriella: *hugs her* you just wanted answers. we couldnt have known....

Hibana: "I didn't even see them as humans. Just specimens."

gabriella:....*rubs her back*

Hibana: "..." *hug*

-elsewhere-

Mephisto: "This is a surprise to have you visit."

lord death: well, there's a little, erm.....incident, with one of our students. so....do you think we can have a certain little...husk? ^^;;;;;

Mephisto: "...What kind of 'husk' *air quotes* are you looking for? A tall 'husk,' or a husky 'husk'?"

lord death: well. *holds up a sketch* something like this perhaps?

Mephisto: "Oooo~ Excellent sketch! Hmm...I'll have my team find one that matches most of these qualities."

lord death: thank you.

Mephisto: "May I inquire who will occupy this 'husk'?"

-lord death explains-

Mephisto: "Oh my. And what will Crona do? Isn't Ragnarok their blood?"

lord death: we'll likely give them a transfusion, worst case scenario.

Mephisto: "What blood type is Black Blood?"

lord death:......a legit good question.

-elsewhere-

Medusa: *looking through a crystal ball* "Let's map this out..."

*dark splotches appear on a global map...*

Medusa: *taps along some spots* "Hmm...Madness has intensified in those locations...which means some witches around them would notice..."

neian: baba?

Medusa: *nods* "Here. Want to see a new spot?"

neian: *babble*

Medusa: *picks her up* *spins the globe on the crystal ball* "Okay, tap a spot, Neian."

neian: *poke*

*the globe stops on a spot with a bright handprint*

Medusa: "Okay, destination determined."

-elsewhere-

Spirit: *sets out plates* "...Oh, right..." *puts one plate away*

sachiko: empty nest syndrome?

Spirit: ^^; "Guess so...Been a while since having a kid on an overnight trip."

sachiko: yeah, but at least we have the night to ourselves~

Spirit: "Oh, yeah?" *slides a hand along her arm*

sachiko: 7w7~

-elsewhere-

izumi: does anyone else feel embarrassed for some reason?

Asher: "Yeah, Axel is still trying to find a spot to use the toilet."

Axel: *looking behind a boulder* "AM I FAR ENOUGH AWAY FROM CAMP YET?"

Sid: "Go further!"

lukas: so what now?

Kau'i: *sneers* "We're having a ghost story contest tonight..."

genny: sounds fun.

Duncan: "What's the prize?"

Kau'i: "We don't tie you out in the desert to get eaten by scorpions."

hibiki: scorpions dont typically eat people. -_-;

Kau'i: "Then vultures--whatever!"

Vulture: *eyeing Duncan* O^O

Duncan: Q_Q;

zubaidah: so who wants to start?

Kanin: "I think Genny may have us beat..."

genny: eh?

Kanin: "I just mean, you write stories, so you probably got a ton of scary tales..." ^^;

genny: .////. i-i guess, b-but i mostly write comedy stories, so-

Jinn: "I like comedy."

Sid: "..." ("Hard to tell with the mask...")

-elsewhere-

eibon: *observing the coffee machine*

Gopher: "..." *looks around Eibon*

eibon: fascinating, simply fascinating....

Gopher: "It's...percolating?"

-elsewhere-

Akitaru: *counting* "40 spears, 12 arm blades..."

rita: *silently counting and taking notes*

Akitaru: "Okay--this'll be a lot. Usually--"

Petra: *signing for Rita*

Akitaru: "--we'd walk these over. But even with Iris having more of you here to help move them, I'm not sure this is a simple walk."

rita: *signing* <understood>

Akitaru: *nods* "And could you take Tamaki with you?"

-elsewhere-

hibiki: so i guess we're going to be reviewed on the test now?

Sid: "You had your fun with ghost stories--"

Duncan: Q_Q *shivering in place*

Sid: "--so now it's time for a discussion about Zubaidah and Jinn's test on you."

Giriko: *sitting away from the fire, back turned to the others* "..." *sips his drink*

Kanin: *glances at Amelia* "..."

amelia: .....

Sid: "Some of you already heard it. For example, Hibiki, tossing Zeke at the opponent put his safety at risk."

hibiki: *wince* yeah....sorry.

zeke: ^^;

Sid: "Your weapons are not what we classify as returnable weapons, like boomerangs. If you're going to use Axel and Zeke effectively, then your weapons need to think up a way to be recoverable."

Axel: "..."

zeke:....

hibiki:....understood, sir.

Sid: *nods* "I've set up some lessons tomorrow with Giriko for you. Let's see..." *reviewing notes* "Izumi and Asher."

izumi: yes sir?

Sid: "The first rule when facing a threat is survival: if you die out there, you're not going to be able to save anyone else. Asher had the right idea to make sure you didn't both go flying up in the storm."

izumi: t-thanks for that, asher.

Asher: "Um...you're welcome...sure."

Sid: "Where I see a flaw is what to do next--because Asher is a close-range weapon, and against Jinn, you'd be dead."

izumi: *gulp* ._.;;;

Sid: "You were acting in your meister-weapon teams, like Lukas and Saria rescuing a classmate..."

lukas: *nod*

Sid: "What you're all lacking now is to stop acting like individuals and instead work as a team..." *looks at Monica, Stephanie...and Kazue, Kanin, Duncan...*

Monica: *grunts*

amelia: understood.

Sid: "That's why we have to expedite your training. Some of you have already had combat experience, like that plant monster attack some time ago. Now we're moving on with chain resonance."

hibiki: that's a resonance between multiple teams, right?

Sid: "Correct. More specifically, the meisters need to get their souls in sync with each other."

lukas: ah...

Sid: "I'll put you into your 3-meister teams tomorrow, and we'll have you working with me, Naigus, Giriko...So you'll need to really focus on teamwork and not just running around willy-nilly."

Kazue: -_-;

amelia: understood.

Jinn: "Zubaidah and I also will be assisting meisters and weapons with improving their resonance."

Derek: *tightening his jaw*

lumina:...

Kau'i: "Tch. How are we supposed to do 'chain resonance' with such weak newbie meisters here?"

izumi:....

Monica: "Could ask you the same--how many years you been here without graduating?"

Kau'i: "?!"

nisha: zzzzz.....

Giriko: "Jeez...Got our work cut out for us with this lot."

Jinn: "Indeed."

-elsewhere-

-in a forest of black thorns....-

-footsteps running-

???: waaAaIit....coOme..BaaacCkk....

Crona: *panting, running* "N-No! Get away!"

chrona?: *chasing after them, bloody wings sprouting out of their back and holding a sword*

Crona: "I'm not you! Stay away from me!" *trips* "AH!" *falls onto the dirt of the forest* *panting, clawing themselves away*

chRona?: wheRe arE You gOing?

Crona: *sobbing* "I don't know! Just anywhere but here!"

KroNa??: but i am you, where do you think your power comes from? without me, without This MadNess, you aRe NOTHING.

Crona: "Shut up..." *sniffling* "I know what I am..." *holding their head in pain*

????:....na....pl...se.......ke up....

Crona: *shaking under sheets, screaming*

mami: *holding their hand*

Crona: *pants...looks at Mami* "..."

mami: chrona! are you alright?

Crona: *whimpering*

mami:...*hugs them*

Crona: *shaking* *shaking their head* "No..."

mami: *rubs their back* im here chrona....im here....*trying not to cry*

Crona: *sobbing, clutching their stomach*

-elsewhere-

stocking: ooh! look at this, kiddo!

Kid: "???" *looks*

-it's a pamphlet for a cooking contest-

Kid: "Ah, that looks fun."

stocking: im thinking about entering.

Kid: *smiles* "I think you should."

stocking: ^^

Kid: "Do they have categories?"

stocking: 'create an imaginative meal with full appetizer, main course, dessert, and beverage to match the given theme'

Kid: "Hmm...I wonder what kind of themes they are imagining."

stocking: perhaps an ocean theme, or maybe a june bridal theme?

Kid: "Both sound delightful. It sounds like you may have a meal or two in mind?"

stocking: i've got some ideas cooking~ hehe~

Kid: "Ha...And for visual design?"

-morning-

Axel: *snoring*

Sid: *heating up food over the fire...it's still dark out*

amelia: *sniff* *opens her eyes* ??

Kanin: *yawns, stretches*

Giriko: *sipping coffee* "Ugh--no one brought milk for this?"

zubaidah: i see we have some early risers.

Sid: "Need to be--before the noon heat wipes us out."

amelia: what are you making?

Sid: "Just some instant hot cereal and pancakes."

amelia: ah.

Monica: *groans...sniffs...finds Stephanie's foot next to her face* "?!" *tugs at her foot*

stephanie: hehehe~

Monica: "Fucking move over!" *shoves her*

stephanie: *rolls onto the dirt* *PATOOIE* *ACHOO* huh? what happened? where's jared?

Monica: "In your dreams!" *kicks her in the butt*

stephanie: where are we? oh shit did i get hella stoned again?

Sid: "Stephanie! Monica! Stop goofing around! We have training in an hour--and you're going to need the energy."

genny: *already up* yeah, jeez.

Asher: *snoring*

Axel: *sniffs* "..." *sleep walks to the pancakes*

Yafeu: *grumbling* "Darn tired of..." *yawns, as he trips over Preston and Lukas* "...OW!"

zeke: spoopy....*snore* scary...skeletons...zzzz.....

preston: zzzzzzz

Saria: *yawns, stretches, smiles* "Good morning, everyone!"

Duncan: =A= "Shut the hell up and go back to sleep..."

lei-lei: *sleep kick*

Duncan: "OW!"

Jinn: "... ... ..." *summons a trumpet--and blows loudly into it*

izumi: ?!?!?!

preston: hnn?

bully 4: OI WHAT THE FUCK?!

Jinn: "Oh, good--you're awake. Get dressed and eat your breakfast, then we will commence your exercises in 50 minutes."

nisha: *sits up, still asleep*

izumi: ogh...what time is it?

Derek: =_= *checks his watch* "...5:04 in the morning..."

izumi: that early?

Giriko: "Hey, you'd rather wait until the desert Sun is out and burns your skin to a fried crisp?"

izumi: .____.

Asher: =~= "This sucks..."

Dagon: "Your pancake, sir."

Kau'i: "Ah, sweet--thanks..." *nom* "?! Where's the freaking pancake syrup?!"

Dagon: "On its way, sir."

amelia: do we have eggs?

Derek: *eyeroll, grabs cereal*

Sid: *shakes a carton labeled 'eggs'*

zeke:....bro.

stephanie: what kind of bird laid that?

Monica: "One whose ovaries died on them."

izumi: ._.

Sid: "It's called packing smart: low-weight, high-protein--"

Yafeu: *tugging on some food* "RUBBERY AS PENCIL ERASERS!"

Kanin: "Beggars can't be choosers..." *examining the packaging* "Is this vegetarian granola?"

Duncan: "...What other kind of granola would there be? Stupid."

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: *picks up Miyuri's suitcase* "Hmm...What's in here?"

miyuri: miyuri packed her clothes and swimsuit!

Chuuya: "Feels a little light."

miyuri: is that bad?

Chuuya: "Just wanted to make sure you packed enough--we won't be doing laundry while we're there."

-elsewhere-

iris: *asleep* ...

{-in a dark place, a woman can be heard screaming-}

{???: hurry up and push already!}

{????: AHHH! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!!}

{-soon, a baby's cry is heard-}

{????: oh go- oh god! my baby! my baby!}

{???: so you've had a girl...}

{????: please, let me hold her.}

{???:....take it away.}

{????: please! i need to hold her! just let me hold her for a moment!}

{???: you know we cannot allow that. we've prolonged the ritual for long enough, and now that the child is here, we can continue as planned}

{???: no please! let me see my baby! please! NO!!}

iris: *jolts awake* AH!!....*panting, shaking*

*knock knock*

iris: !!!!

Akitaru: *calling from outside* "You okay in there?"

iris: ...y-yeah....im fine....(what...what was that....?)

Akitaru: "Okay. Breakfast is on the table."

iris: ok...thank you...

Akitaru: "..." *walks away*

iris:.....*shaking, pulling the covers around herself*

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: *snores*

sonia: papa?

Chuuya: "Nnng!" *wakes up* "H-Huh?"

sonia: arent we gonna head out soon?

Chuuya: *wipes his mouth* "Wh-What time is it?"

sonia: *holds up the alarm clock*

Chuuya: O_o "?!!! Shit! The cab is coming in 10 minutes!"

sonia: !!! let's go!

Chuuya: *grabs his suitcase* "Right! Get the carrier for Mito!" *he's still in his pajamas*

-elsewhere-

Harvar: *grabs a duffle bag* "Ready."

ox: ok.

Thunder: ^o^ "Ready!"

kim: we're here!

Jacqueline: "Hello, everyone." *waves at Fire and Thunder*

fire: hiya!

Harvar: "...Where's the ride?"

-elsewhere-

Asher: *in weapon form* "...I'm not sensing anything."

Kanin: *eyes closed* "Yeah, Mr. Barrett is really hiding himself..."

Duncan: -_-# *in weapon form* "Just dig through the dirt until you find him."

*they are in a wide stretch of desert sand*

izumi: .....

Kau'i: "SCREW THIS!" *stabs the trident into the sand* "GET OUT OF HERE, SID! I KNOW YOU'RE SOMEWHERE IN HERE!" *running back and forth, stabbing into the sand*

izumi: um. a-are you sure you should be doing that?

Kau'i: "THE WORST THAT'LL HAPPEN IS I STAB HIM!"

Dagon: -____- "Sir..."

Duncan: "...He does have a point. Sid is already technically dead."

-elsewhere-

Giriko: *pats a tall golem* "And this big guy here is Gruk."

Gruk: O_______O

Axel: *in weapon form* "Wooooooooo! He is huge!"

Saria: *also in weapon form* Q__Q *she and Lukas are surrounded by a bunch of golem*

lukas: ok, we can handle this. i hope.

nisha: zzzzzz =u=

fuyuka: Q~Q oh jeeeeez...

hibiki: stay close, guys.

zeke: right.

Giriko: *rotates his neck* "Well, we'll see about that. See, this is about some long-range fighting. And poor little ole' me is at a disadvantage..." *transforms, flying into a sky, and landing in Gruk's hands as a chainsaw* "NOW I'M ALL REVVED UP!!!"

hibiki: (ok hibiki, think. how do we handle this?)

nisha: *deflecting some of the smaller golems, still sleeping?*

Axel: "...Hibiki, how fast can you run?"

Gruk: *running up to Hibiki, swinging Giriko*

Giriko: "HA HA HA HA HA!"

hibiki: !!!! *running* you two got a plan?

zeke: yeah; not getting killed!

Axel: "But we're supposed to learn how not to get captured! And we can't sail back into Hibiki's hands--" *spots something* "...I GOT AN IDEA!"

zeke: yeah bro?

Gruk: *swings a fist, just missing Hibiki*

hibiki: SHIT!

Axel: "Aim for the cactus!"

*there is a cactus behind Gruk*

hibiki: what?

Axel: "Trust us!"

hibiki:....alright. *KUNAI TOSS*

*Axel and Zeke fly around Gruk*

Giriko: "BAD MOVE, KIDDO!"

hibiki: !!!

Gruk: *lifts up Giriko--before bringing the chainsaw down onto Hibiki*

hibiki: *flinches*

*PIERCED!*

*a motor freezes*

Giriko: "...Huh?"

*a bunch of cactus needles have stabbed into Giriko's motor*

Axel: *stuck in the wet remains of a demolished cactus* "WOOT!"

hibiki: huh?

*when tossed, Axel and Zeke increased their speed so that, rather than merely getting stuck inside the cactus, the force of impact blew it up*

Axel: "I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THAT WOULD WORK!"

Giriko: "Damn it!" *trying to start up the engine* "Aw, nuts! Golems, handle the other ones while I get this out--" *turns back into a human...then realizes he has needles stuck in his face, arms, and butt* "... ... ..."

hibiki:....ouch.

-elsewhere

coyote: *wandering the desert, sniffing at a black rock?*

Black Rock: "..." *rattles*

coyote: *growls*

???: {Hooooooot...Not cold...What is this...}

coyote: *snarls*

*the rock stops rattling*

coyote: *bats its paw at it*

???: {Tactile stimulus...Processing...Inferior shape...Solution--}

*the rock cracks open--and black tendrils choke the coyote*

coyote: *whines and yelps, trying to get away*

*the blackness forms a mouth, letting out something that sounds like a cross between a whine, a scream--and a giggle, as it crunches its 'teeth' down onto the coyote's snout*

-elsewhere-

Takehisa: "Careful how you set those in there--" *shifts, pointing--then cringes, clutching his bandaged shoulder*

Petra: -_- *ignoring him, as she deposits weapons in the back of the Matchbox*

iris: are you alright, captain?

Takehisa: "I'm fine. Healing my shoulder is taking longer than optimal."

iris: try to get some rest.

Takehisa: "I will. ...You look like you could use more sleep, too."

shinra: want me to go with you gals?

tamaki: why?

shinra: guess im curious how you do this blessing thing? ^^;

Petra: "We can explain it to you later--nuns have actual work to do--"

Takehisa: *grabs Shinra's head from the top with his good arm* "Go with them. Keep an eye on them."

Petra: -_-###

shinra: ok.

Vulcan: "Who's driving?" *holds up the keys*

-elsewhere-

Yotsuba: "Yay! This'll be fun!"

Foein: ^^; "Don't get your hopes up--the church has been kind of deserted..."

ruby: maaan it's been too long since we were here last. i wonder if sister maple's still here or if she's in a brigade now?

Yotsuba: "Yay! This'll be fun!"

Foein: ^^; "Don't get your hopes up--the church has been kind of deserted..."

ruby: maaan it's been too long since we were here last. i wonder if sister maple's still here or if she's in a brigade now?

Yotsuba: OwO; "I'm not quite sure I've met her--but I'm sure she's super-duper lovely~!" ^w^

Foein: "We'll see soon enough. I hope Sister Evergreen is hanging in there--baptizing all these weapons is exhausting."

pearl: *looks around*

*the church...has seen better days...the fountain is not running...*

ruby: jeez, looks like a ghost town!

pearl: ruby!

ruby: just sayin'

Yotsuba: "..." *whispers* "Hello?"

*Echo*: "Helloooooooo?"

Foein: -_-; "I'll...go let Father Cypress know we're here."

-elsewhere-

Jinn: -_-; "The point is to work together--"

Monica: "FUCKING RETARD! AIM FOR THE HEAD!"

Yafeu: "STOP TALKING LIKE THAT, YOU AWFUL, MEAN-SPIRITED PERSON!"

Zarya (Bully 4): *inaudible loud grunt*

Jinn: "... ... ...Meisters, get your weapons under control."

preston: my my, they're spirited, arent they? =u=

Yafeu:"THEY'RE MEAN, CRABBY, AND VERY NOT NICE! I SAY SHOOT THEM!"

Monica: "SHOOT ME?! WITH WHAT?! YOUR TINY POOR EXCUSE FOR A DICK WEAPON?!!"

zubaidah:....*siiiigh*

Zarya: *LOUD GRUNTS, nails off her weapon form poking out*

Jinn: "... ... ...Permission to knock them out?"

zubaidah: *snaps fingers*

Jinn: *out of the lamp comes an aromatic mist...that passes by the weapons*

Yafeu: "AND ANOTHER THING--A MACHETE--REALLY?! THIS AIN'T THE JUNGLE! THIS IS...the... *yawn* desert..."

Monica: "FUCK YOU UP YOUR RECTUM WITH HIS DICK, YOU SANCTIMONIOUS...Who...what is that smell--" *ZZZZ*

Zarya: "..." *LOUD YAWN, before turning back into human--and collapsing onto Stephanie*

stephanie: URK- >3<

Jinn: *sighs* "Meisters...you have your work cut out for you with these 3."

Zarya: *snore*

-elsewhere-

lord death: *knocks on the door*

Crona: *shivers* "E-Enter?"

lord death: *enters the room* hello chrona. how're you holding up?

Crona: ._. "...Well--"

Ragnarok: *locked in a giant glass tube sticking out of Crona's back, shaking with rage*

lord death: would you like some tea?

Crona: "S-Sure?"

lord death: *pours some* it's decaf.

Crona: ^^; "Good...I haven't slept..."

lord death:....i was wanting to make an offer for you to help with your...current situation.

Crona: "Wh-What kind of offer?" *hugging a pillow*

lord death: well, some arrangements have been made, and we were considering giving you a transfusion, and putting ragnarok into a separate body.

Crona: "A new body? ...But if Ragnarok is my blood, what will happen to me?"

lord death: you'll recieve new blood. how it will affect you, im not certain, but hopefully it will be an improvement to you, in a manner of speaking.

Crona: "...What if the body rejects Ragnarok? What will happen to him?"

lord death: it's an uninhabited body, so im sure he'll adapt just fine.

Crona: "..." *shakes* "S-So, it's a surgery?"

lord death: ultimately, it's up to you if you want to do this.

Crona: "...I want to think about this...Can I answer tomorrow?"

lord death: of course. this is a big thing to consider, so take as much time as you need.

Crona: "Th-Thank you..."

lord death: *exits*

Crona: "..." *glances*

Ragnarok: *shaking with rage*

Crona: *hugs the pillow tighter*

-elsewhere-

Black Star: *passed out...in the front yard?*

naho: *poke poke with a stick*

tsubaki: what on earth...?

Black Star: "Nggggh..." *he's still in his boxers and sleep shirt*

Shamrock: "I found him like this upon waking. Also, your window is smashed."

*there's broken glass on the front lawn*

tsubaki: black*star?....*moves him away from the glass, then turns the hose on*

Black Star: *eyes snap open* *high-pitched scream--as he rolls along the grass* "WHAT THE HELL?!"

tsubaki: are you alright? what happened to you?

Black Star: "I-I don't know! Why the hell am I wet on the front lawn?!"

Paperboy: *rides by on a bike--tosses the paper at Black Star's head*

Black Star: "... ... ..."

otogiri: i wasnt aware such deliveries were still available...

Belkia: "This is an old-fashion kind of town..."

Black Star: -_-# "I probably just sleepwalked..."

tsubaki: hmmm....

Shamrock: "I'll call a window repairperson..."

Belkia: *tosses a towel over Black Star's head*

-elsewhere-

Petra: *looking out the Matchbox window*

iris:....

shinra: we there yet?

Vulcan: "Not sure--I haven't driven here before. Usually Sister Iris grabs a muscle-load of weapons and hauls ass over to the church."

Petra: *glare*

Vulcan: "...'Hauls butt'?"

iris: it's not far now.

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: *collapses in the airplane seat* -~-

miyuri: *face pressed to the window* woooooow!!

Flight Attendant: *spots the family* "First time on a plane, kiddos?"

sonia: yes ma'am.

miyuri: what's that thing?

Flight Attendant: "???" *looks*

-she's pointing to the engine-

Flight Attendant: "Oh! That's the engine. It's what gives the plane the push up and forward to fly."

miyuri: oooooh! and what's that?

Flight Attendant: *looks*

-she's pointing to the wing this time-

Flight Attendant: ._. "...The wing of the plane? It...lets the plane stay parallel to the Earth and fly over?"

miyuri: wooooow!

-elsewhere-

Damon: *puts a blanket over a napping Soul*

soul: ......

becky: *puts a cool compress on his head*

Damon: "What happened to him?"

becky: i dont know....im gonna call aunt blair.

Damon: "Good idea."

{???: "Well, look at you--all grown up, huh?"}

{soul:...what the hell do _you_ want?}

{*music slightly off-tempo plays on a record...Soul is in a pinstripe suit*}

{Little Demon: *turns in a chair* "I think it was about time to explore our partnership once again." *toothy grin* "Or has playing daddy taken up too much of your busy schedule?"}

{soul: you leave them out of this.}

{Little Demon: *holds up his hands* "I'm not involving them. Just think of this as my come-back, given the new...atmosphere around here."}

{soul:......}

{Little Demon: "Haven't you and your old friends felt it? Or do you not speak to them? I haven't notice much interaction between you and your old teammates. You should check on them, after their last encounters with Madness."}

{soul:........if it gets you to shut your trap, fine.}

{*an old-fashion phone slides on a table to Soul*}

{soul:...i think i'll do it in the real world, thank you very much.}

{Little Demon: "Then wake your ass up and stop being a frail sickly boy."}

soul: *opens his eyes*

becky: morning dad.

soul: hey kiddos....you have breakfast yet?

Damon: "We left out some cereal for you..."

soul: thanks....dad's gonna make a few calls.

-elsewhere-

Sid: "So, how did your training go?" *covered in bandages*

*his students from training earlier are under the tent*

Kau'i: *has a black eye* -_-#

zubaidah: honestly, could have gone better.

Jinn: "They are so difficult--like children."

Giriko: "Ugh, some are smarter than they let on...I'm still pulling needles out of my ass."

Monica: *still asleep*

Yafeu: *LOUD SNORING*

Gruk: *playing with Stephanie*

stephanie: pattycake pattycake~ ^w^

Axel: "So, where you all from?" *looks at Fuyuka*

fuyuka: j-japan...

nisha: im from india.

Axel: "Oh, neat! You been back recently?"

izumi:....

Asher: *passes a drink pouch to her* "Here."

izumi: thanks...

Kanin: ^^; "Quite the work-out, huh? You two held up really well."

Asher: >_>;

amelia: *staring out into the distance*

Kanin: "??? Amelia? You okay?"

amelia: alright....but a bit uneasy...

Kanin: "..." *looks around* "It is pretty hot. Mr. Barett and Nurse Naigus said to stay under the tent until late afternoon..."

amelia: i dont think it's that, exactly......

Kanin: "...But you feel something else?"

amelia: *nods* something beyond the horizon....

Kanin: "???" *looks at the horizon*

-a breeze blows past-

Duncan: *shivers* "Stupid desert wind." *huddles under his cloak*

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: "Now landing can be a bit bumpy..."

sonia: *asleep*

Chuuya: "..." *looks at Miyuri*

miyuri: *she has gotten her nausea bag to pop out* oh! hehe! ^w^

Chuuya: ^^; "Just make sure you'll buckled in...We're descending."

miyuri: ok!

*the wheels fall out on the plane...the wings alter shape...*

miyuri: oh! *presses face to the window* woooow!

*the plane descends--hitting the runway with a jerk and rolling down, decreasing speed*

sonia: hnn...? *yawn*

Chuuya: "We've landed."

-elsewhere-

soul: *holds up his soda* cheers.

Kid: "Cheers!"

Black Star: "Um, yeah..." *sips*

soul: you ok black*star? you're a bit quiet.

Black Star: =_= "I couldn't freaking sleep well..."

soul: ah. trouble sleeping?

Black Star: "I jumped out the window."

soul: ??

Kid: "That's unusual--why would you do that?"

Black Star: "I don't know! I just remember a lot of running, some inky black stuff--then, bam, I wake up wet in my boxers on the front lawn."

Kid: "..."

Black Star: "...Tsubaki turned the hose on me."

soul: wait, what was that part in the middle?

Black Star: "Inky black stuff?"

soul: yeah, that. i had a nightmare about it too....i also met the little demon again...

Kid: "...A little too coincidental...I had felt anxious, not dissimilar to..." *gestures to his chin* "...before."

soul:....do you think it has to do with what happened with the moon?

Kid: *sighs* "That is what we are looking into. The madness you have felt before, Soul, and that I have experienced makes sense. Not sure why Black Star would be affected so strongly."

Black Star: " 'CAUSE I'M SUPER POWERFUL!"

Kid: *forehead flick* "Not very attuned to perception, though."

Black Star: -n-#

soul: hmmm....is eibon still at your house, kid?

Kid: *nods*

soul: maybe he might know something?

Kid: "I could ask...He is still recovering."

-elsewhere-

eibon: what a curious contraption. *flushing the toilet* fascinating...

Gopher: ._. "Sir, please shut the door before...whatever you were just doing."

liz: ugh, you do know what those are used for, right?

eibon: do tell.

liz: *whispers*

eibon:........................................................far more advanced than a chamber pot.

liz: TMI!!

-elsewhere-

Cyprus: *walking through the garden*

evergreen: *watering plants*

Cyprus: "Coming along nicely, Sister?"

evergreen: *nods*

Cyprus: *looks around...aside from some bees on the flowers, it's rather deserted* *sighs*

evergreen: is everything alright?

Cyprus: "Hmm? Oh, it's nothing. I just suppose I'm not used to a freer schedule." ^^;

-elsewhere-

Asher: *napping in the tent*

Saria: "Good work out there--" *hands water bottle* ""Cheers!"

izumi: thanks.

Saria: "What do you think we'll do next? I don't know how to top trying to sense Mr. Barett's soul or fighting Golems..."

izumi: not sure...

Derek: "After the intense workout, it'll be breathing exercises, then a lecture."

lukas: ah.

Dagon: "At this rate, I'll fall asleep...like certain people."

-elsewhere-

Crona: "So that's what he offered..."

mami:....so what are you going to do?

Crona: "I don't know! I can't keep going on like this!" *shaking*

mami: *hugs*

Crona: *holds onto her* *crying*

mami: *trying to hold back tears*

Crona: *hic* "I-I can't take this..."

Ragnarok: *shaking in the container, growling*

mami: if i could take you out of this situation, i would without a second thought.

Crona: "R-Really?"

mami: *nods* even if that meant bearing the burden myself.

Crona: "...Sh-Should I?"

mami:....i hate to say it, but it seems the best option right now...but it's ultimately up to you.

Crona: "..." *nods*

-elsewhere-

Black Star: *walking home--and a baseball rolls by his feet* "???"

child: hey, can ya throw that back?

Black Star: "Sure thing!" *picks it up, tosses it underhanded--and it goes flying up into the sky* ._______.;

child:......

child 2: woah....

Black Star: "...What the flying crap is going on with me?!!"

*something bright shines in the sky...*

child 3: !!!

*the baseball crashes back down--blowing up someone’s car*

*in a cafe, someone inside can be seen looking out--*

Endeavor: "MY CAR! AGAIN?!"

child: bail, BAIL!

Black Star: *running with the kids* "GAAAAAAH, that was so awesome but so not what I was trying to do!!!"

Endeavor: *running outside, trying to contain the fire* "Damn it!"

-elsewhere-

Kid: *checking himself in the mirror*

eibon: feeling alright?

Kid: "!!! Oh-Oh, yes. Sorry. Just...worried about a repeat."

eibon: would you like something to eat to calm your nerves? i have some old recipies from my mother that i've memorized.

Kid: "..." *smiles* "I would like that. Thank you."

-elsewhere-

Vulcan: *opens the back of the Matchbox* "Okay, let's see..." *pulls out a bag of hand grenade* "Sister Iris."

iris: thank you.

Vulcan: "Okay, who wants the giant spears?"

shinra: *looks around* .....(man, this place has seen better days...)

*dust and sand blow along the stone steps*

Petra: *picking up items* "Come now--don't dawdle. Tamaki, the handcuffs."

tamaki: yes ma'am!

*the courtyard looks empty...*

Vulcan: "..." *carrying another box* "Not used to the Church after my family built Amaterasu..."

shinra: *looking around*

*the doors are open...a few nuns can be seen inside, milling about and kneeling in prayer...*

-one sister looks up-

???: oh, you're the 8th, yes?

Petra: "Yes. Hello, Sister. We have items to have baptized."

nun: yes, right this way.

Petra: "We will bring these in. Outsiders will have to stay outside." *looks at Iris* "...Iris? Come along."

iris: oh. yes.

Vulcan: "..." *sits on a bench*

shinra:.....soooo....

Vulcan: "...Yeah..." *brushes dust off the bench*

shinra:....*tapping his foot*

???: *humming* "Oh! Look what the 8th brought in!"

shinra: *looks*

Foien: *waves*

shinra: ah, father Li. how are you?

Foien: *rubbing his artificial arm* "Hanging in there. I haven't seen you lately."

shinra: yeah. are the other members of the 1st around?

Foien: "A few of us, yes...Just not Karim."

-meanwhile-

iris:......(the preacher....they're the ones who created this church.....so...why am i still praying?)

Petra: *in prayer*

iris:......

rita:......(sister iris looks so sad.....) *signing* <are you alright?>

iris: hmm? *signing* oh, yes, im ok.

???: "Oh, so many here!"

iris: *glances*

*A nun looks at them...not smiling* *looks at their number badges*

iris: um, hello.

Nun: "The Eighth really has so many?" *stares at Tamaki's outfit*

tamaki: what?

Nun: "What kind of a nun's habit is that?"

tamaki: it's a combat uniform. =n= it's got shorts.

Nun: "I see...I haven't seen many combat nuns--I'm mostly around here..."

tamaki: you'd be surprised. *does some kung-fu moves....and ends up stumbling into a pew* OW! *BLEEEEEEEP*

iris: !!!! O_____O

Petra: *facepalm*

Nun: D8 "The pew!"

rita: ._.;;

tamaki: ...hehe...IM IN PAIN BUT AT LEAST I WASNT EMBARRASSED!! >8D

iris: *sweatdrop* (_that's_ your concern...?) .....

Nun: "...I think it's best if you step outside."

tamaki:...that's fair. *exits*

-outside-

shinra:.....do you think iris is ok?

Foien: "Is it about those rumors about the Preacher?"

shinra: i dont know, she wasnt really herself this morning, and im worried.

Foien: "That's...been going around. Ever since the conspiracy theory that the Hoods are the real founders of the Holy Sun Temple..."

shinra: ......

Foien: "I am less afraid of such a story, as it doesn't shake my faith...But it does those of others...and there is something worse to think about."

shinra: ??

Foien: "Even though I know this Preacher is a fraud, the followers they have amassed...That's a devotion to what they consider to be a god."

shinra:.....*shakes slightly, but tries to keep cool*

Vulcan: "..."

Foien: "As long as the Preacher hides in the shadows, whether in the Nether or elsewhere, it is obvious they want to destroy this world. And our faith."

shinra:....so what do we do?

Foien: "...Keep up our faith--in God and in each other."

shinra:...

Foien: *smiles* "Well, I better check on the others..."

-elsewhere-

Blair: *floats a doll by Becky*

becky: *observing*

Damon: "That's so cool..."

Blair: ^^ "Just a little trick I learned~"

becky: is learning magic hard?

Blair: "At first it was. I had to work to make sure I could contain it all."

becky: ...

Damon: "And if you couldn't?"

Blair: OwO;;; "...Well...I learned I'm mostly fire-proof."

becky: .____.;;;

Blair: "And that's been useful for me! Like the time the weirdo shoved me into a stove. Or the time I cooked for your father and his meister--and burnt the fish."

becky:............................................................

Damon: "Is that why Dad doesn't like you cooking?!"

Blair: ^^; "How about I just order take-out?"

-elsewhere-

Hajiki: *fist-bumps Takeru's chest*

takeru: ??

Hajiki: "Huh--sturdy! Your balance has gotten better."

takeru: um t-thanks?

hito: you're surprisingly timid, noto.

takeru: WAH! h-hito! you startled me!

Hajiki: -_-; "Need more courage there, Juggernaut."

hito: out of curiosity, why did you join the 2nd?

takeru: well, i was kind of encouraged to do it, to try to be a bit braver, i guess.

Hajiki: "Encouraged? You were recruited?"

takeru: y-yeah.

Hajiki: "I guess the 2nd saw your size and thought 'Scoop him up before someone else gets him!' But coming in from China is a long trip."

takeru: ^^;

hito: and how about you, hajiki?

Hajiki: "Death City seemed like my kind of place--somewhere to show my mettle! Way better than...than...Wait, where did I come from?"

hito: *sweatdrop*

Hajiki: "...Anyway, the Commander recruited me after seeing me in a training exercise. How about you?"

hito: well, my dad was in the 2nd brigade, and i wanted to follow in his footsteps.

Hajiki: "D'aw! I'm sure you can! But we'll need to bulk you up."

hito: -_-;

-elsewhere-

Kanin: *scratching behind his ear...with his back leg* "..."

amelia: kanin?

Kanin: "Y-Yeah?"

amelia: are you alright?

Kanin: "Just the desert sand--itches like the dickens." ^^;

amelia:......

Kanin: *pants slightly* "..." *covers his mouth* "I-I think I better drink something..."

-at camp-

Axel: *slurping out of a juice pack*

hibiki: *listening to music*

Sid: *securing the tents against the wind*

zubaidah: *keeping watch*

Jinn: *showing off different transformations to students*

stephanie: oooh!

Asher: "Huh. Being a Death Scythe lets you take on multiple forms?"

Jinn: *changing forms again* "Or depending on the weapon type--you may have one with multiple properties."

hibiki: yeah, take harudori for instance. she's officially classified as a halberd, but she's a tri-blader.

Saria: "Neat! I'm not sure we have many multi-formers here, though. I can only go into whip form, not, like whip and...something not whip. Um...Nunchucks?"

lukas: sure, let's go with that. ^^

Saria: ^^; *nervous laugh*

Jinn: "The goal, however, is to be powerful even in the simplest form..." *turns back into a lamp, just sits there*

Duncan: "... ... ..."

Asher: "...What exactly can a lamp do--"

*the lamp leaps, just missing Asher's head*

Asher: *hood blown back off their head* .______.

preston: owo;

Yafeu: "AMAZING! CAN YOU DO IMPRESSIONS, TOO--"

Jinn: *reverts to human form, his eye through his clothing glaring at Yafeu*

Yafeu: "...SO, NO?"

-elsewhere-

Vulcan: *examining water fountain* "You know, I could probably soup this thing up. Water seems to be blocked by sediment..."

shinra: hmm....

Evergreen: *studying the two* "I would advise against that." *sees the 8 on Shinra's uniform*

shinra: hello ma'am.

Evergreen: "Hmm. I wasn't expecting firefighters here...This is a holy site."

shinra: well, we're waiting on our friends inside. blessing the items and all that.

Evergreen: "I see...Sorry. It's been some time since we've had visitors blessing items. I haven't seen you around before. I am Sister Evergreen."

shinra: *nods* Shinra Kusakabe, 8th brigade.

Vulcan: "Vulcan Joseph, engineer at the 8th."

Evergreen: "Hello. ...How is your day going?"

iris: *exits*

Petra: *carrying a satchel of daggers*

Vulcan: "Doing alright. Looks like the sisters handled the first blessing of weapons."

*a bee flies by, landing on one of the flowers*

iris: *nods* shinra, could you...follow me for a moment?

shinra: um. sure.

Vulcan: *takes the satchel* "Go ahead--we'll load up." *looks at Tamaki* "...The hell happened to your face?"

Evergreen: "?!"

tamaki: YuY

-at a cemetery...-

iris:.......

Shinra: *holding a broom* *looks over at the sunflowers* "...It's nice of them to plant those."

iris: *nods*....they're planted to guide the lost souls of the sol church to the sun....

Shinra: "I didn't know their significance..." *looks at one tomb*

-revolution, rest in peace, new future-

Shinra: O_O; "Th-That's one super-bright tomb..."

iris: oh dear...

Shinra: "All these flowers and--is that a disco ball?!"

iris: ^^; i get the feeling sister hibana might have been behind this.

-elsewhere-

Hibana: *sleep sneeze* "...Zzzz..."

-back at the cemetery-

Shinra: "Do we leave it up?"

iris: ^^;;; *praying* hello everyone, sorry i havent been here a while. clematis, please dont overeat, sakura, dont oversleep, rose, keep a watchful eye on everyone, ok?

Shinra: "..." *looks at the flowers outside...spots a watering can*

-and so-

iris: thank you, for watering the flowers...

Shinra: "Happy to help! ...Can I ask you something?"

iris: what is it?

Shinra: "You've seemed worried...Is it about the Preacher?"

iris:....i guess im not very good at hiding things, am i?

Shinra: ^^; "I wouldn't expect a nun to lie."

iris: .....

Shinra: "S-Sorry! It was just a little...humor. S-Sorry...I like that about you...You're open and honest."

iris: t-thanks... *wipes her eyes*

Shinra: "Iris...We don't know everything about the Preacher or this story."

iris: i-i know....i just....i had a hard time focusing on the baptism today.......shinra, what do you think of the sol church? be honest, please....

Shinra: "..." *looks down* "What do I think? I--"

???: *SCREAM*

iris: ?!?!?

Evergreen: *clutching her head--as her body explodes in flames*

iris: !!!!!!!!!!!

*the other nuns back up*

Petra: *running back--bumping into Iris* "It happened instantly!"

iris: *shaking*

tamaki: *battle stance*

Vulcan: "Shit!" *looking through the satchel* "I know I left an extinguisher bomb here--where is it?!"

rita: >~<;;;

Juniper: *bumps into Iris* "Why is this happening?! Sister Evergreen was so devout! Why would God do this to her?!"

iris: *speechless*

Evergreen: *roars at Iris, Juniper, and Petra*

shinra: *battle stance* alright, let's finish this, tamaki!

tamaki: right!

Evergreen: GRAUAAAAAA!"

Petra: *holds her hands* "Begin the prayer..."

tamaki: *charges* the flame is the soul's breath...

rita: *silently praying*

Petra: "The black is the soul's release..."

iris: ashes to ashes.....

Evergreen: *collapses to her knees*

shinra: return to the great flame!

tamaki: *dropkick* RATOMU!

Evergreen: *lets out an inhuman cry of pain...before her body collapses into ashes*

Juniper: *staring...falls to her knees in front of the ashes, sobbing*

iris:.....*rubs her back*

tamaki:........

rita: *sniffle*

*footsteps are heard coming*

Cypress: "What's going on?!"

Foien: *spots the remains* "...Oh no. Sister Evergreen..."

nun: i cant! i cant do this anymore!

maple: who's going to take her place?

Cypress: "...We have priorities first. Let's lay our sister to rest."

-elsewhere-

Assault: *bandaged, arm in a sling from having been stepped on by the Giant Infernal* "Giovanni will be displeased you are playing with his experiments."

guruna: >XP who caaaaares~@

Jonah: "Besides, Giovanni is going through...changes."

Inka: "??? Puberty?"

guruna: EEEEEW he's like, way too old for that!~@

Haumea: "Besides, you're thinking of Sho-chan."

arrow: im sure it's antics like this that are partially the reason he's confined himself to his room...

ritsu: perhaps i could....persuade him to come out~?

orochi: please dont.

Inka: "God no."

Jonah: "Even that disturbs me."

Haumea: "...Yeah, let's not."

ritsu: perhaps you're right. poor boy might be traumatized if i showed him what lies underneath, fufu~

Jonah: "...Ha! Because 'Nether'!"

Assault: -__________-

orochi: she means it, once she flashed these two perverts, and they took of running in horror. take my word for it, you _dont_ want to know.

ritsu: OROCHI! that's private info!

Inka: "... ... ..." *slight nosebleed*

Jonah: "I once turned into an Eldritch abomination. I've seen it all. Including Giovanni changing."

arrow:......im surrounded by freaks. -_-;

Haumea: *puts an arm around Arrow* "What was that, fresh meat?"

arrow: not today, please, im exhausted enough as it is.

ritsu: best leave her be for now, wouldnt want to wear her out.

Haumea: -n- *holds a finger to her head* "Need help falling asleep?"

-elsewhere-

Gruk: *motionless*

Sid: *seated with students around the campfire* "We still need to improve the chain resonance for some of you."

izumi: *yaaaaawn*

Sid: "...Perhaps this may be a better conversation in the morning--you'll be up early before the sun rises."

hibiki: what time even is it?

Duncan: *pulls out his calculator watch* "9:14 and 32 seconds."

lei-lei: wow!

genny: so tired.....

Kanin: *looking up at the Moon* "..."

Sid: "Okay, you're dismissed. See you at 5 AM."

amelia:.....

Monica: "Thank God--what a waste of a day..." *rubs her shoulder*

-elsewhere-

Black Star:*sitting up in bed, looking at his hand* "..." *makes a fist--and sees something around it* "?!"

tsubaki: *asleep*

Black Star: *blinks* ("...Must be my imagination. Not like I see souls or anything...") *lies down, still looking up at the ceiling* "..." *tosses*

tsubaki: nnh...black*star?

Black Star: "...Hey. Sorry. Can't sleep."

tsubaki: .....want some tea?

Black Star: *nods*

tsubaki: *gets up* ok.

-elsewhere-

Vulcan: *driving them back* "..."

{Cypress: "...ashes to ashes...Latom."}

{iris:........}

{Cypress: "..." *looks at to the 8th* "I'm sorry...We were lucky that you were here, and we weren't exactly the most welcoming. After so much..."}

{tamaki: it's alright....all in a day's work, right?....s-sorry, that was a bit insensitive, huh?}

{Cypress: "Life does not always go the way we expect. We leave it in God's hands to guide us to what best we can do to make this world better, yes?"}

{tamaki: i guess......}

{Petra: *nods* "Thank you, Father."}

iris:......*leans against shinra's shoulder*.....

Shinra: "..." *puts an arm around her*

iris:...*hugs*

Shinra: *pat pat*

-elsewhere-

Crona: "..."

nurse valentine: just checking in.

Crona: "Hello...I'm not yet asleep. I don't think the medicine is helping."

nurse valentine: hmm.

Crona: "...Nurse? I'm not sure what to do."

nurse valentine: want to talk about it?

Crona: "..." *nods* "I've been like this for so long...I can't imagine being something else now...I don't know if I deserve to."

nurse valentine: ....everyone deserves a shot at a second chance. i found mine....

Crona: "Is-Is that so?"

nurse valentine: *nods, with a small smile*

Crona: "...I think I'll have my decision in the morning, then."

nurse valentine: take as much time as you need.

Crona: *lies back down* "Th-Thank you, Nurse..." *wipes their eyes*

-elsewhere-

Asher: "Zzz..."

amelia: ........

zeke: *snores*

Kanin: *tossing*

izumi: *sleeping*

???: "YIP YIP YIP!"

izumi: hm?? *rubs her eyes*

Kanin: *sleep growl*

*it sounds like something running in the sand outside*

izumi: *looks outside*

*running along the outskirt of the camp is a coyote...it has odd markings along its side*

izumi: *squints*

Coyote: *stops...stares at Izumi...walks forward towards her*

nygus: *looks outside* !!!!! sid, sid wake up, now.

Sid: *gets up* "What is it?"

nygus: look.

Giriko: *snore grunt* "H-Huh?"

Sid: *looks outside* *studies the markings* "..." *holds out his hand* "Nygus, transform."

nygus: *knife form*

izumi: mr barrett?

Sid: *steps outside, holding the knife* "Stay back. Wake up the others..."

izumi: w-what's going on?

Sid: "Just do it!"

zeke: *rubs eyes, looking outside* is it a fire?

Axel: *sleep whine* "Five more minutes..."

izumi: asher, asher get up!

amelia: !!!!!

Monica: =___=# "Shut the...*yawn*...up." *looks--and sees Stephanie's feet again* "GAH!" *shoves*

Asher: "Ugh. I'm up, I'm up. What the hell..."

amelia: everyone, wake up. NOW!

stephanie: zzzzz...

Kanin: *gets up* "Amelia? What's wrong?" *scratches his arm*

Kau'i: =_= *looks outside* "?!!! Shit!" *grabs Dagon's arm*

Derek: *studying what's outside* "..."

Sid: *circling with the coyote*

lumina: *transforms*

Coyote: *its eyes shine a red color under the Moonlight...those fur markings look like tear-drops or...*

zeke: are those......oh....oh shit. bro, BRO GET UP!

hibiki: zeke, what the hell?

zeke: WE GOT A FUCKIN KISHIN EGG OUT HERE!

Axel: "HUH?!" *gets up*

hibiki:?!?!?

Kanin: *staring outside* "..."

genny: *hyperventilating* oh god, oh god i dont wanna die, i dont wanna die....!

Monica: *hears 'Kishin egg'* "..." *shoves Stephanie away, grabs Yolanda's arm*

yolanda: oi what the hell?

Monica: "Get up." *transforms*

yolanda: what the fuck monica? *spots it* oh...oh fuck me running.

Coyote: *growls at Sid*

Monica: "Don't you dare run! Stay there!" *shoves herself into Yolanda's hands*

yolanda: oh HELL NO am i fighting _that_!

amelia: mr barrett, what's the plan?

Monica: *sends a soul shockwave into Yolanda* "This is our chance--don't fuck this up for me!"

Sid: *calls back* "Stay back! Get Zubaidah and Jinn to evacuate you! I'm--"

yolanda: YEOW! fuck! ok! you dont have to be a dick about it, crimeny!

Coyote: *leaps--and bites into Sid's neck*

Sid: *screams*

amelia: !!! kazue!

*Kazue isn't there...*

amelia: !!! *grabs nygus from sid's hand and stabs the coyote*

Coyote: *yips--lets go of Sid...something black is foaming out of its mouth*

Axel: "SHIT! It's got rabies!"

amelia: ....just as i suspected....

zeke: black blood.....

Sid: *holds his neck...nothing leaking out of him, but the black foam is still there* "..." *rubs it off of himself onto the sand*

Coyote: *wide-eyed, looking at all of them...*

*the sand shifts underneath the Coyote...*

nygus: sid, are you alright?

Coyote: "???"

Sid: "I think so. We need to contain the Kishin and the blood--"

???: *underground* "Leave that to me!"

Coyote: "?!"

*BURST*

*the sand explodes up, as Gruk appears, grabbing the coyote in both hands*

amelia: *knocked back*

izumi: mr giriko!

Kanin: "?!" *catches Amelia*

amelia: t-thank you.

Giriko: *behind Izumi* "Right behind you." *gestures with his gloves* "That's it, Gurk! Hold 'em!"

stephanie: hooray! hooray! go for it! go fight win!

Coyote: *wiggling under both hands, shaking like a snake*

Gruk: *struggling to hold on--*

Coyote: *slips out of the grip--and slides down Gruk's "mouth"*

Giriko: "?!!!"

hibiki: that's not good.

stephanie: OwO;;;

Gruk: *moving its arms, trying to punch into its own torso--as it starts to glow black...and ooze comes out of its "eyes" until--*

*BOOM*

stephanie: EEP!!

*Gruk explodes, black blood leaking out of its remains...leaving the Coyote in a new, blacker form, gears from the golem fused into it*

Giriko: "GRUK! You fucking bastard!"

hibiki: got any other ideas?

*something slides up Hibiki's leg...*

hibiki: ??!?!??!?

*it's the black blood*

hibiki: !!!!!! get OFF!

Black Blood: *its 'mouth' opens--*

zeke: NO! *SLICE*

*an arm reaches out of the sand, grabbing Hibiki's leg*

hibiki: eh?

*a soul shock goes through Hibiki's leg--shocking the blood and sending it at Zeke's face*

zeke: GAH- *SPIT* gegh! gross!

*the hand is still on Hibiki's leg*

hibiki: *looks*

Kazue: *popping up out of the sand, holding onto Hibiki's leg* "..."

hibiki: dont just stand there, DO SOMETHING!

Kazue: *nods* *holds out a switchblade, aims at Zeke's cheek--*

Monica: "You cowardly cunt--get the fuck in there and slice that motherfucker!" *dragging her weapon form out into the field*

yolanda: >~<

Sid: "I said retreat! All of you!"

hibiki: we're DWMA students, arent we?

Kazue: *brings the knife to Zeke's face--*

zeke: O_O;; *gulp*

Asher: *slaps Kazue upside the head* "Asshole. You're scaring him. Just zap it off."

zeke: thanks fam.

Kazue: -_-; *uses a soul zap on it--as the black blood releases, crawling into the sand...*

lei-lei: HYAH! *kicking at the blood* genny! are you ok?

Sid: "You may be students--but this is beyond you--"

genny: *in fetal position, trembling*

Coyote: *spots Lei-Lei and Genny* "..." *grins--and leaps at them*

lei-lei: !!!!! *blade arm*

genny: NOO!!!

Coyote: *its mouth opens...into four parts, baring fangs and a slithering tongue--*

amelia: !!!! STOP! *her wavelength seems to be increasing?*

Coyote: *has pounced on Lei-Lei--but has turned back to look at Amelia*

nygus: ?! (her wavelength...it's almost like.....no, she couldnt be, could she?)

Sid: "Nygus..."

amelia: *glaring at it.* stand. down.

Coyote: "..." *gets off of Lei-Lei, but circles around Amelia, alternating between yips and growls*

amelia: *watching, shaking a bit, but standing her ground*

Monica: "Now's our chance--do it!"

Coyote: *barks at Amelia, moving forward and backward at Amelia*

yolanda: *gulps and starts running for it*

Monica: *grins in her weapon form--*

Sid: "?!!! NO! Don't--"

Coyote: *it's tail unrolls like a gear--as it wraps around Yolanda's leg*

yolanda: !!!!

Coyote: *the tail swings Yolanda away, as she loses her grip on Monica, who lands in the sand*

Monica: "...Da fuck?!"

yolanda: nngh...

Monica: "..."

{Monica: "I want to be like you, big bro!"}

Monica: "..." *reverts to human form, with her machete arm* *stalks up to the Coyote...*

Coyote: *focused on Amelia*

amelia: .........

Coyote: *barks at Amelia, careful how close it marches up to her*

hibiki: what's she doing? she's just standing there...

Coyote: *gets up within leaping-range of Amelia...crouches down, readying itself to pounce at her*

Monica: "Almost there..."

Coyote: *leaps*

amelia: !!!

Monica: *leaps at the Coyote*

*then something big and furry tackles the Coyote*

Monica: "?!" *crashes face-first into the sand*

Kanin: *in werewolf form has tackled the Coyote, using a choke-hold on it*

Coyote: *desperately trying to move, its tongue sliding out like a snake's*

amelia: !!!! kanin!

Giriko: *pushing the kids away* "Move it!"

*a sand tornado forms in front of the kids*

izumi: EEEP!

lukas: *running*

Jinn: *calling from the tornado* "Step in."

stephanie: i forgot one of my slippers!

Zarya: *grunts, and picks Stephanie up*

stephanie: OwO

Zarya: *tosses Stephanie right into the tornado*

stephanie: EEP!

Jinn: *from inside the tornado* "I got you. Toss the rest in."

Asher: *helping Zeke walk to the tornado* *gulp*

zeke: i feel sick, bro.

Axel: "It-It's going to be okay, bro..." Q_Q

hibiki: come on, let's go!

Kanin: *trying to choke the Coyote*

Coyote: *slithering--until it gets out of its grip, stretching its neck until it's sniping at Kanin's face*

amelia: no stop!

Kanin: *barks back at it--before it grabs the Coyote's snout in one hand and its hind legs in the other hand*

Coyote: *wiggling*

Kanin: *barks back at it--before it grabs the Coyote's snout in one hand and its hind legs in the other hand*

Coyote: *wiggling*

Kanin: *growling, as it tugs harder at the Coyote--*

Monica: ("I'm not letting you get all the credit...") *runs at them--and brings her blade down at the Coyote, slicing it in half*

lei-lei: *carrying genny to the tornado*

Kanin: "?!!!" *falls back...on all fours, glaring at Monica, his glance shifting everywhere at Sid, Nygus, and Amelia...*

Derek: *waving Lei-Lei and Genny forward* *looking around* "I've counted everywhere...We're missing one."

amelia: are you alright?

nygus: where's armstrong?

*The coyote's remains lie motionless*

Kanin: *growling...he's staring at Amelia, huffing and puffing...*

*in a tent, someone is shivering in fear*

amelia:....*hugs* it's ok, im fine, really.....

Duncan: *shaking* "N-No...Just stay here. Just stay here..."

Kanin: *growls at Amelia, barking*

*there's black blood on Kanin's face...The Moon is giggling above*

Monica: *gets up, looking at Kanin and Amelia* "...Hmph. Is that all it took to take down a Kishin? That's pretty simple..."

amelia:......*wipes the blood away*

Kanin: *still barking at Amelia, sniping at her*

Monica: "??? The hell is with him?"

amelia:.....you really arent leaving me any choice, are you?.......very well.....*CHOP* bad kanin. bad.

*the coyote's back half is motionless...but no one can see a hind leg kicking slightly...

Kanin: "?!" Q_Q *dog whimper*

Monica: "Ha! That's one way of dealing with a mutt..."

amelia: *glances behind monica* !!!! behind you!

Monica: "?!" *swings her arm blade--*

*It's too late: the Coyote's front half has tackled Monica...as black blood pours out of it*

Monica: "?!!!!"

{Monica: *in her school uniform, prim and proper, looking up at the DWMA stairs* "..." *inhale* "Okay, big bro. Let's do this."}

Monica: *screams--until she's silent, the black blood completely covering and consuming her...*

????: get OFF OF HER!!

Duncan: *still hiding in the tent, shaking*

-WHACK-

Sid: *has knocked the back of BlackBlood!Monica's head with a tombstone, shattering it* "Let go!"

BlackBlood!Monica: "..." *stands up, turns...her face is a coyote-like snout, snake-like eyes, gear-like appendages along the shoulders...it's like a being of just blood...the blood forms two arm blades* "..." *slices Sid*

Sid: "?! ..." *his top half falls off*

nygus: !!!!! shit!

Sid: *has fallen forward, now sliced at the hip*

izumi: mr barrett!!

BlackBlood!Monica: *lets out an inhuman chittering...looks at Kanin and Amelia* "..." *blades out, rushes at them, moving swiftly*

Asher: *still holding up Zeke* "Izumi! Get out of there!"

Kanin: "?!" *pushes Amelia away--and runs at Monica, barking*

izumi: .....*runs in* we cant leave them behind!

Monica: *slices at Kanin, slicing off their arm*

Kanin: *bites into Monica's shoulder, black blood coating his mouth--before he flings Monica into Duncan's tent*

Duncan: "EEEEEEEK!"

izumi: duncan! take my hand!

Duncan: *screaming incoherently--trying to avoid Monica's slices and Kanin's clawing and bites...his arms reach out of the tent*

izumi: *grabs and pulls him out* ok, now go! hurry!

Sid: *standing up on his arm* "...Nygus, could you pick me up. I'm going to need some help with this next part."

nygus: ok

Duncan: *holding onto Izumi's arms, running with her, sobbing*

Kanin: *pins Monica down*

izumi: i guess we're even now, huh?

Monica: *mouth opens, revealing the slithering tongue, striking at Kanin's face*

Duncan: Q_______Q "...Wh-What the hell is that thing?!"

izumi:....monica.....you go ahead. im going to try and save her.

Duncan: "Are you insane?!! Leave her! She's dead now!"

izumi: i can at least try to help her!

Duncan: "..."

{???: "At least try for once in your life, Duncan!"}

Duncan: "..." *lets go* "G-Good luck..." *runs off*

izumi: ok. (what am i doing? am i really crazy?).....*bites her lip* (if i dont help her, then who will? no. i have to do it. maka...she would have done the same....wouldnt she?) *runs in*

Kanin: *trying to pin Monica down--only for her to slip out of his reach--*

Monica: *stabs blades into Kanin's back*

amelia: kazue, transform!

Kanin: *howls in pain, desperately trying to bite at her arms*

Kazue: *does so*

amelia: *runs in*

Monica: *focused on Kanin, stabbing repeatedly into him, exposing his spinal cord*

Kanin: *pants, barking mindlessly, biting into her arm*

amelia: take this! *spinning at monica, slicing at her* ~DEATHMARCH WALTZ!~

*the slice rips black blood off of Monica's face, revealing her eye and mouth*

Monica: *looking terrified* "B-Bro..."

Kanin: *turns around, trying to bite at Monica's neck*

izumi: hey! monica! fight it!

Monica: *turns at Izumi...the blood falls back over her face, as she grows silent again and aims a blade at Izumi*

izumi: *throws a rock at her*

Kanin: *gets up, spinal cord still revealed, watching*

amelia: kanin, stop!

Monica: "?!" *slices the rock in half...runs at Izumi*

Kanin: *growling--and bites at Amelia*

izumi: *running* (come on, think!)

amelia: *jumps back, her dress ripped around the waist......revealing two black stripes*

Monica: "ALBAAAAAARN!" *slithers along the ground, alternating with a four-leg run at her*

Kanin: *chewing through the dress's skirt, eyeing Amelia...spits out the skirt, on all fours, stalking at her*

Kazue: "..."

amelia:.....kanin.....you arent....the only one hiding something.....

Kanin: *growls* *getting into position to pounce again, salivating*

amelia: you probably cant hear what im saying, but please, come back.

izumi: *running, but trips on a rock* AH!

Kanin: *he looks gone...leaps*

Monica: *leaps, blades out, aiming at Izumi's head--*

izumi: *rolls to the side*

amelia:....*takes a breath....and starts singing?*

Monica: *slams the blades to the side of Izumi, then turns her head to stare at Izumi, snakelike eyes narrowing before her mouth opens, the tongue slicing towards Izumi*

Kanin: *pins Amelia down, open his mouth to bite into her neck...then hears the song...*

{Kanin: *humming*}

{amelia: *asleep* nn....papa....}

{Kanin: "..." *tucks her in, continues to sing quietly*}

izumi: come on, snap out of it already!!

Monica: "WEAKLING!" *slice* "NEPOTISM!" *tongue strike* "YOU'RE ONLY HERE BECAUSE OF FAMILY!"

{Monica: *knocked down a flight of stairs* *looks up*}

{Bully: "You're only here because of your brother!"}

{???: what a poser.}

{Monica: *sniffle...then her stare gets colder, as she turns her arm into a machete* " 'Poser'? I'll show you..." *runs up, screaming*}

Monica: *runs at Izumi, swinging her blade*

izumi: *dodging, one of her ponytails getting sliced off*

Monica: *SCREAMS* *lifts up both blades, bringing them down at Izumi*

izumi: !!!! im only here because of family? then what are _you_ here for, huh?!

*the blades come down--just stopping right above Izumi's eyeballs*

izumi: *flinches*

Monica: "... ... ...Bro-Bro..." *the black blood bubbles*

izumi:.....your brother....he's a DWMA student too, right?

Monica: *the black blood melts away just at her eyes* "The best..."

izumi:...i'd call you a hypocrite, but that wont do either of us any good right now.....

Monica: "?!!!" *the blood covers her eyes again, but the mouth opens, revealing a mess of muscles and teeth* "YOU MAKING FUN OF ME?!" *her arms are blades again, but she's stepped back now*

izumi: actually...im a bit envious of you, all things considered. you got to meet your sibling. got to really know them.....i never got a chance to meet maka.

Monica: *slight pant, still stepping back* "Th-Then why do you do this? If you never met a dead person, what do you have to compare yourself to?" *still stepping back, but her blade swings are more erratic, as if not aiming at Izumi*

izumi: ....i guess, i want to feel close to her. maybe i just want my life to have some kind of meaning.....you know spirit's actually my step-dad, right?.....

Monica: "...I don't know shit about you, Albarn. I just know you piss me off..." *the blood has fallen off her face completely but still coats the rest of her*

izumi: .....my birth father is dr rodigy.

Monica: "And I should know who that is?" *more of the black blood pulls away*

izumi: most people would......he was....a really horrible man. i was used as a test subject for his experiments. mom and i came to death city to escape from him. i wanted to get him out of my life, more than anything. i wanted to live a happy life, but if i ignore my past, then i cant improve myself for my future, can i?

Monica: "..." *dissolves the blades* "You don't want to ignore your past, but you change your name? That's kind of a fucked up inconsistency...But I get that. Why take on the name of some abusive shitbag."

izumi: yeah, i guess so. you know, when you arent being mean to me, you're actually kinda cool.

Monica: "?!!! The hell is that coming from?!" >\\\\> "Don't fucking condescend to me, you weak brat..." *the black blood has almost all fallen off of her, along with the gears left from Gruk*

izumi: maybe we can start over and maybe be friends? *extends a hand*

Monica: "... ... ...I'm not going that far." *holds up a bloody fist*

izumi: *fist bump*

Monica: *fist bump*

*TWACK*

Monica: X_X *falls down*

izumi: D8

Asher: *knocked Monica over the head with their weapon arm* "... ... ...Oh. I ruined the moment?"

izumi:..... ^^;; i'll grab her arms, you grab her legs?

Asher: >_>; "When she wakes up, just tell her a bird hit her or something, 'kay?" *picks up the legs* "Ugh--she's all bloody and sweaty."

izumi:......you were jealous, werent you?

Asher: "...I'm not jealous. At all."

izumi: whatever you say, partner.

Asher: =\\\\=; "Shut up."

amelia:.....

Kanin: *panting, still in wolf form, but he's stopped attacking*

Sid: *watching*

amelia:...*petting his head, humming*

Kanin: *dog whimpering...* "Zzz..." *still in wolf form*

nygus: should we report this to lord death? or does he already know about this?

Sid: "I don't think he would know even this..." *looks at the coyote's remains...it's decomposing* "Looks like the blood got away."

nygus:....we should have the area quarantined for now.

Sid: "And the students, unfortunately. We don't know how much blood got on them."

Giriko: *looking at Gruk's remains* "..." *there's still black blood on them*

zubaidah: you can always make another one.

Giriko: "I-I know that! Doesn't change the work I put into this one. Gruk should've been able to handle that thing. Now I need to strengthen his design."

-elsewhere-

sonia: *asleep*

Chuuya: *looking over the schedule* "Hmm...Should be do-able."

mito: *jumps up onto the chair next to his, looking* mrrrp?

*Chuuya has a schedule of beach activities, restaurants to visit, and other day activities*

mito: *relaxes on the chair*

Chuuya: *strokes her back* "Glad the hotel has a pet policy."

-morning-

Axel: *in a bathrobe, shaking* "Ugh--I hate decontamination..." T~T

hibiki: hopefully we arent stuck here for long. i get antsy without my headphones.

preston: *on call* really- no really mama im just fine.

Yafeu: *BANGING ON THE WALLS* "LET US OUT ALREADY! WE DIDN'T TOUCH THE BLACK STUFF!"

Saria: *on a phone* "Dad, please! I'm fine! We'll be out in a few hours...I think?"

yolanda: ugh, last night was such a shit show.

stephanie: totes. only less coke.

yolanda: GOD DAMMIT STEPH!

Monica: *holding ice to her head* -_-# "If you don't shut up, I'm going to shove my boot up your ass." *she's barefoot, also in a bathrobe* "Ugh...How the hell does a bird drop a coconut in the middle of a desert?"

Zarya: "..."

izumi: *offers her a soda*

Monica: "Oh, thanks."

izumi: figured you might want something.

yolanda: the hell? since when are _you_ two buddy-buddy?

Monica: "..." *sips*

genny: *sitting outside the door to the room kanin is in* .....

*growling can be heard inside*

genny:......kanin?

*the growling stops*

genny: are you alright in there?

Kanin: "..." *grunts*

genny:....im glad you're ok.

*sobbing can be heard inside*

genny:......do you....want me to come in?

Kanin: "...It-It's open."

genny:....*gingerly opens the door*

Kanin: *small dog whimper*

genny:....*reaches a hand out*

Kanin: *recoils, shrinking back*

genny:....*sits across from him*....sorry i didnt do much last night......

Kanin: "I-I didn't help..."

genny: you helped fight that monster off. that was pretty brave of you.

Kanin: "...That wasn't me."

genny:.....im not really sure what to say, i know i dont know a lot about you, but i still want to anyway.

Kanin: "Why? I'm just a mindless beast...Are you here just to study me or something?"

genny: you arent mindless, you're smart, caring, friendly...i know, this doesnt mean much coming from a nobody like me, but i still want to know you more..because i.....because i lo-*hic* i lo-*hic* (OH NO! NOW ISNT THE TIME TO BE GETTING HICCUPS!)

Kanin: *grabs her*

genny: !!!

Kanin: *hugs, sobbing*

genny: !!!!!.......*hugs him*

Kanin: *still crying, holding onto her*

-elsewhere-

*DWMA forensics are in hazmat suits, combing the desert...*

*far away, a sliver of black blood tunnels through the sand*

-elsewhere-

ox: rise and shine everyone!

kim: *groans*

Harvar: *still lying down*

Jacqueline: =_= *yawns*

kilik: hnn? *checks his watch*

Thunder: *yawns* *rubs eyes* "What time is it?"

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: ._.; "Miyuri, we should blow up the beach balls and toys at the beach..."

miyuri: ~? Owo

Chuuya: ^^; "We'll do our best to fit them in the back--just don't poke them. Sonia, you got everything?"

sonia: yes papa.

Chuuya: *smiles* "You look lovely. Let's get a photo first."

miyuri: *waves to the camera*

Chuuya: *snaps the pic* "Perfect!" *pets Mito* "Behave yourself while we're out."

mito: mreow

-elsewhere-

Crona: "...I'll do it."

lord death: you're certain?

Crona: "Y-Yes. I'm not sure this is what I want--but I think it's what I have to do."

Ragnarok: *snarling in his container, banging against the glass*

lord death: very well. i'll inform stein right away.

Crona: "Thank you, sir."

-elsewhere-

Duncan: *on the phone* "Yes, I-- ...No, I was-- What I'm trying to say-- ...Yes, sir. Yes. I'm sorry. ...Dad? Happy Father's--"

*the phone has hung up*

Duncan: "..."

lei-lei: welp, im all clear.

Duncan: "...Congrats. Guess I'm next..." *walks by her to the examination room, shoulders slumped*

lei-lei:....

Blair: *in a hazmat suit* "Hello, sweetie~ Let's check your pulse."

Duncan: ._.;

lei-lei:....you think duncan's alright?

Derek: "I don't know him very well. Is he usually so morose?"

lei-lei: usually he's a bit more pompous.

Derek: "I see...They say in battle people show who they really are. And he did hide in the tent."

lei-lei: mm....

*sounds of wheels are heard*

Sid: *his torso on a skateboard* "Derek, gather these students on this list." *holds up a list to him*

Derek: "Yes, sir."

lei-lei *looks*

*the list includes Duncan, Kanin, Amelia, Kazue, Izumi, Asher, and Monica*

lei-lei: ._. oh jeez....

-elsewhere-

Aizawa: -_-# "If the DWMA can't even handle their trip, that has me more concerned about this trip..."

blood king: you're being too paranoid. what's the worst that can happen, gaha!

present mic: HE JINXED IT! CALLING IT NOW!

Midnight: -_-; "You're all such children. We've moved the location 7 times already, and we've kept the travel plans confidential to only three people--" *points at Nezu, Aizawa, and Blood King*

-elsewhere-

*knock on the 8th Cathedral*

lisa: yeah?

Yotsuba: ^w^ "Hello, friend! Is Sister Iris here?"

lisa: .-.; um...yes?

Yotsuba: "Splendid!" *claps her hands together, as an almost flowery aura seems to appear around her* "May we enter~?"

Foien: ^^;

Karim: -_-;

lisa: um...sure...come on in... (what's with this girl?)

Yotsuba: *practically skipping in*

Foien: "Thanks. You're Lisa, right? Vulcan had helped me with this arm..."

lisa: yes, that's right. how's it holding up for you?

Foien: "Pretty well. I am having some problems on the middle finger--!!! N-Not that I'm using it like that or anything!" ^^;;;

Karim: *looks out the window to the courtyard* "..."

lisa: want vul to take a look at it?

Foien: "If it wouldn't be a problem..."

Karim: *exits for the courtyard*

rita: *watering flowers*

Karim: *looks around, waves at Rita*

rita: *she hasnt noticed him yet*

Karim: "..." *walks around in front of her*

rita: *looks up* !!!

Karim: *holds up his hands* "S-Sorry...Um..." *trying to sign* <Where Iris?>

rita: !! *signing* <she's asleep right now. she isnt feeling well.>

Karim: *nods* <I can come back.>

-elsewhere-

Black Star: *doing sit-ups--each time, looking up at Soul* "So--you--saw--what--happened--to--the--NOT--kids?"

soul: yeah i heard...

Black Star: "...I keep feeling off, man. I feel stronger."

soul: hmm...

Black Star: "And I heard there was Black Blood out there from Sid...It was kind of hard to hear him since he's kind of shorter now."

soul: .___.;

-elsewhere-

Chuuya: *pulls into the parking lot* "Okay, remember the number we're at."

*across the street is the beach*

miyuri: YAAAAAY! *running*

Chuuya: "!!! Look both ways!" *running after her*

sonia: *stares out at the ocean* wow....

Chuuya: *catches up to Miyuri* *sighs* *looks around at the beach* "Okay, time to find where to set up the blanket..."

-elsewhere-

Crona: *lying down* *gulps*

Stein: *washing his hands*

nurse valentine: we're gonna give you the anesthetic now, is that alright?

Crona: "..." *turns to look out the window of the operating room...*

mami: *watching, trying to keep on a brave face*

Crona: "It-It's alright. I'm ready..." *smiles at Mami*

-elsewhere-

*from a DWMA hallway, loud screaming can be heard coming from a classroom*

Saria: O_O; "Mr. Sid has been yelling for 5 minutes straight at them..."

lukas: do you think they'll be ok?

Saria: *shakes her head* "I don't know...He sounds really upset."

-inside-

Sid: "I TOLD YOU TO EVACUATE! AND YOU SIT IN YOUR TENT--"

Duncan: *looks down*

Sid: "--RUSH INTO A FIGHT YOU COULDN'T HANDLE--"

Monica: *feet on the desk* "Tch."

Sid: "--RUN BACK THINKING YOU CAN RESCUE OTHERS--"

Asher: >_>;

Sid: "--AND COULD'VE GOTTEN YOURSELVES KILLED, BY THAT THING OR EACH OTHER!"

Kanin: *still in a half-ways werewolf form* "..."

Sid: "AND TO TOP IT OFF, THOSE OF YOU WHO COULD'VE BEEN USEFUL THOUGHT, 'Oh, I'll be cool and make a dramatic entrance--'"

Kazue: *holds up a sign* <I do like my dramatic entrances.>

izumi: .w.;;;;

Sid: "I WAS NEVER THE TYPE OF MAN TO LET THIS PASS WITHOUT PUNIS--OW!"

*Sid is lying back-down on the teacher's desk...while his lower body is hanging on the lower part of the desk*

Sid: T~T "Could you please be more careful stitching me back up?"

yolanda: *gulp*

nygus: *hoists his torso up*

Duncan: *covering his mouth* "Oh God--" *grabs a paper bag--and vomits into it*

Kanin: -~-;

yolanda:...i've seen worse.

Asher: *glances at Yolanda* "...The fuck?"

Sid: "Ah...That's better. ...Duncan, you need to get a stomach for this work, or drop out of the Academy. Kanin, you are out of control and will be kept under greater scrutiny. Monica, you are suspended for 2 weeks and will be going through more medical exams to make sure the black blood's effects on you are limited."

Monica: "WHAT THE F--"

Sid: *throws an eraser at her--that slams into her mouth*

Monica: *knocked back* @O@

yolanda: ._.

Sid: "As for the rest of you...I appreciate Izumi's good work rescuing a classmate, but I can't let that stand. Therefore, the rest of you are on restroom clean-up duty for the next 2 weeks."

izumi: yes sir...

amelia:.....

Asher: "Ugh. But they're so gross."

Kazue: <Didn't one of your coworkers used to smash the toilets with a hammer?>

Sid: "Shut up and start cleaning--OW!"

izumi: OxO;;;;

-elsewhere-

Patty: *glancing around the kitchen...slithers up to a bowl of cake batter...reaches for it--*

-CHOP-

Patty: >~< "OW!"

stocking: NO TOUCHIE! *she's super focused*

Patty: "Aw, you're no fun." -n-

Kid: *sighs* *holds up a cookie* "Patty, leave her be." *shakes the cookie*

Patty: OwO "Cookie!" *runs after Kid*

stocking: this recipe needs to be perfect.

Kid: *tosses the cookie down the hall*

Patty: *yips after it*

Kid: *stands in the doorway, watching Stocking* "..."'

stocking: *sigh* man, this is exhausting... TT~TT

Kid: "Maybe 5 minutes for a drink of water?"

stocking: good idea.

-elsewhere-

Crona: *groans*

Stein: "Good afternoon."

Crona: "Wha..." *groggy*

mami: *holding chrona's hand*

Crona: "Mami? ...Where am I?"

mami: you're in the recovery room. *she has bandages on her arm*

Crona: *looks at her arm* "...Oh no..."

mami: it's fine. i wanted to...

Stein: "How do you feel?"

Crona: "...I can't hear Ragnarok...Wh-Where is he?!"

nurse valentine: look to your right.

Crona: *turns*

-in the other bed is a tall, muscular man with black hair-

Crona: "???"

Man: *groans, eyes closed--and throws a pillow at Crona*

Crona: ._.;

mami: D8<

Man: "Shut up, you stupid bastard--I'm exhausted."

Crona: "!!! Ragnarok?!"

nurse valentine: and how are you feeling, chrona?

Crona: "I-I don't know? Tired? Hungry?"

Stein: "Water for now. Stick to the IV pack for now too."

ragnarok: real talk here....how well equipped am i?

mami:.....*summons one of her rifles, and smacks him with it*

ragnarok: YEOW!!

-elsewhere-

Karim: *still sitting in the 8th's courtyard* "..."

Foein: *looking around the workshop*

Yotsuba: "--and then we can braid each other's hair and look at my sticker collection and order pizza and stay up late with a pillow fight--"

tamaki: *dead eyed expression* (why? why is this happening?)

iris: father fulham, rita told me you were out here.

Karim: "Yo. Hey. How you holding up? Doing okay?"

iris: i guess so. you?

Karim: "...Did you know Sister Evergreen very well?"

iris:.....not too well.

Karim: "Hmph. I talked to her every time I stopped by. She wrote a recommendation for me to get into the 1st."

iris: really? i didnt know that.

Karim: "Yeah. I'm not exactly the most talkative person."

iris:....i guess you heard about the group suicide this morning too, huh?

Karim: "..." *nods*

iris: i just....i cant imagine doing something like that....

Karim: "...I could."

iris: ?!

Karim: "If you lost something that was so full of meaning in your life, when everything feels useless and hopeless...I could imagine someone doing that."

iris:.........you arent going to....are you?

Karim: "No. I'm just saying I know where they are coming from. And if I didn't know that, how could I be a good minister to a flock?"

iris: i suppose.....

Karim: "...I wanted to stop by to ask whether she suffered."

iris:.....i dont know.....

Karim: "...I see..." *lowers his head, putting it in his hands*

iris:.....would you like something to eat?

Karim: "...You cook?"

iris: a little bit.

-elsewhere-

*at the front steps of the DWMA*

Spirit: T~T "IZUMI!!!"

izumi: hey da-

Spirit: *tight bear hug*

izumi: >nO t-tight...

Asher: *eyeroll* "That's just embarrassing--"

cassidy: ASHER BLYTHE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED SICK I WAS ABOUT YOU?!

Asher: O_O; "H-Hey, Cassidy. What's up?" ^^;;;;

Monica: "..."

*someone puts Monica into a headlock*

Monica: "GRK!"

izumi: eh?

*it's a young man holding Monica in a headlock*

Monica: "Knock it off!" *grabs his arm, holding it behind his back*

Man: "A-Ah! Slippery, huh?!" *tickles under her arm*

Monica: >#< "Cut that shit--ha ha--out!" *smashes the palm of her hand up at his chin*

Man: *still fighting Monica* "Hey! I'm Lorenzo!" *grabs Monica's head by the top--and slams it down to the floor* "I'm sorry for my sister's behavior."

Monica: X____X

izumi: wait, you're-

Spirit: "Wow, Lorenzo, that's you?!" *pats the top of his head* "Look how tall you've gotten!"

Lorenzo: ^^; "Mr. Albarn, I've been this tall for 2 years now." *steps down on Monica's head into the sidewalk* "How you been?"

Monica: *muffled scream, as she grabs Lorenzo's ankle, clawing into it*

izumi: ._.;

Spirit: "I didn't know...she, was your sister."

Lorenzo: "??? Oh? I heard she got into trouble, but didn't think it was this bad." *waves at Izumi and Asher* "Hello."

izumi: it's nice to meet you, sir. *bows*

Asher: "...The hell is wrong with you and your freak bully of a sister?"

izumi: asher!

Asher: "EVERYONE IS THINKING IT!"

Lorenzo: "I had thought training Monica on her weapon here would do good for her like it did for me." *taps Spirit's arm* "Like Mr. Albarn and Dr. Stein did for me."

Spirit: .______. "D-Don't mention him..."

Monica: *by this point, she is now gnawing on Lorenzo's leg*

izumi: oh yeah, uncle stein said he was working on something today, right?

Spirit: *nods* "I was going to the hospital to check on Mami and Crona. I think you should, too."

izumi: *nods* yes sir.

Lorenzo: "D'aw, Uncle Stein. That's cute." ^^ *stamps his foot down on Monica's head*

Monica: *stands up--picking up her brother with both hands* "Sounds really corny. What's your friend in for?"

izumi: *sweatdrop*

-elsewhere-

Mephisto: *on the phone* "So the vessel was satisfactory and to your liking, Nurse~?"

nurse valentine: he seems to be adapting quite nicely. we'll need to keep them both here for a few days to check on them, but other than that, she transfusion seems to have been a success.

Mephisto: "Ah, marvelous! I'm glad we could be of assistance. Do let me know if you see any signs of his soul rejecting the body--we had to go through 5 of those just for Amaimon."

Amaimon: *sitting in front of a baby's toy to fit the square peg into the square hole...and shoving it into the circle hole*

nurse valentine: *sweatdrop* i'll keep that in mind....that reminds me. doctor?

Stein: "Hmm?"

nurse valentine: shall i call for lord death to come in and do a soul examination on chrona?

Stein: "Yes, please do so."

-elsewhere-

Kanin: *walking home with Amelia* "..."

amelia:....are you going to be alright?

Kanin: "...Amelia. I don't know."

amelia:....they wont lock you away....will they?

Kanin: *tenses* "...I don't want to talk about this. Let's just go home."

amelia:....ok......can we make a hotpot tonight?

Kanin: "...We don't have the ingredients. We'll stop by the grocery."

-elsewhere-

[thiswasasuperterribleidea]

Just gonna draft an email real quick...

Maybe hi? So..this email is associated with your contact in my phone. I have no idea how or why, or if it’s even one you use. I have no idea if it’s a valid email.  I have no idea how it got there because I know I’ve never communicated to you through it before. But ...it’s here, because iPhones are too smart, and it’s very creepy. I have no idea if you read your emails or not. I usually don’t even open mine. I automatically check them all as read and move on with my day. Unless I’m looking for something specifically, or a good sale comes along and makes me go online shopping. So I have no idea if you will ever receive this. Or ever read it if it is received. Maybe you will notice it and just delete it entirely. Maybe you think it’s spam. I did give it a weird subject name... I’ll never know. That gives me a little bit of anxiety...but I hope this story book email finds its way to you and you read it. I can promise you one thing, it’s not what you think it’s about... and hopefully you find the time at some point to read it for what it’s worth not as a “how the fuck does this girl have my email now?”.... cause I truthfully don’t even know the answer to that lol. I’ve been to counseling a few times. I explained the anxiety I developed from being blocked. She told me to send a letter. I told her I don’t know your apartment number to mail it , and that you probably have nightmares of me showing up to your complex, and  that because of that reasons I wouldn’t drop it off in the mailbox myself lol.  She then suggested writing emails. She told me what I just said up there...I’ll never know if you get them or not. But it’s a good way for me to decompress my brain. So here’s my email!!  I’ve been doing really well! I want you to know ! I’m finally becoming happy again! I almost said becoming myself again... but it’s not again. It’s that I’m finally becoming myself ! I’ve been working on myself a lot. Ive reconnected with a lot of my old friends. People I always forgot to check in on regularly in the past year and a half. I felt really bad about it once I’d realized how much I distanced myself from such good people. At first it was like I was only coming back around because I was going through a hard time. I was really guilty for a while. Guilty in terms of that, in terms of blaming myself for why we ended.... But I’m so happy to be back in touch with everyone that I felt I had no time for before. I learned how to make time for everything and everyone important, not just one person important to me. I’m really excited about that.  I’ve even met a couple of new people who’s  company I enjoy a lot. This is huge for me, because meeting new people wasn’t ever something I was good at. I still live with danielle. I learned to sleep alone when she’s not here and to not check the door 8 times to make sure it’s locked. I learned to be alone, which is also something I was never good at. Oh, and my coolest update yet is that I started a blog! Dwight gave me the idea a while ago. He told me I should write a book lol. He told me my life is too entertaining right now, so I started a blog to share my craziness that I’m finally embracing. I don’t understand how blogs work or how people market for them. But I know I have one, and I know a lot of people found it in the past month, and a lot of people laugh because of it . I feel like I’m helping strangers a lot. They relate and laugh at my insane things and tricks I tried to play. But it’s also teaching them self control that I didn’t have.  It’s funny because it’s like I’m just this random typically emotionally unstable girl giving advice to strangers through a heartbreak and they love it... when in reality I shouldn’t be allowed to give advice to anyyyone and people should not want to listen to me lol. It’s so funny.  It’s like I’m low key famous. Maybe they’ll pay me soon. If they do I’ll be sure to thank you! It feels really good to be able to embrace my situation and find a way to take something I wasn’t originally happy with and make it something positive. While I have been doing well, I still have my lows. Sunday wasn’t a good day for me and neither was yesterday. It’s weird . It’s like the universe truly knows when you’re doing well... so something comes and punches you in the face real fucking hard to really see how well you’re TRULY doing. Life is just so many tests. Sunday morning I woke up to a text from Katie. She was out at Geronimos and saw you on a date. She told me she hated to be the bearer of bad news, but she thought I should know. I hate her for telling me that. I was doing so well moving on. I would have been so much better off not having any idea. It set me back. She told me you were laughing and having a great time... with a pretty girl. That you were very comfortable with her. I originally prayed it was Nicole. I wished it was you with your friend. Of course I asked. I didn’t want to assume you were on a date. I try to assume as little as possible and be as rational as I could be now. Most importantly I didn’t want to lose the self control I built while being blocked and text you losing my mind... especially if I was wrong.  But she said she was absolutely sure it wasn’t Nicole.  She said she saw you leaving holding hands with your new GIRLFRIEND. As soon as she mentioned holding hands... I knew what you did that night. I knew you weren’t just out with any random girl and holding hands... but Katie calling her your girlfriend pushed me over the edge. So I relapsed. I texted Nolan. I asked Dwight if he knew. And I tried to ask you myself. I know I didn’t need to ask you what I already knew the answer to. I knew it wasn’t my business anyway I unfortunately just had it dropped on me. I still don’t think Katie needed to tell me what she saw. But I don’t want you thinking I’m some stalker with eyes on you at all times. I’m sure that’s how you I assumed I knew... I wish Katie saw you and didn’t tell me about it. Id be doing a lot better without the setback. I know it’s been a few months. I know you did nothing wrong. I know you just moved on faster than I did. I’m not sure how to put the idea in your head since I don’t have the same effect on you that you had on me.  But try to picture someone you spent the past year and a half with and you personally wanted to spend another year and a half with and make better than the prior. Maybe your ex before me... And then picture them in bed with someone else what feels like so soon to you....The bed you used to lay in almost every night... but now they’re laying with someone else... being touched by someone else...Inside someone else. Remembering everything done between us.. knowing now someone else- someone maybe better... is doing that for you now. Knowing perfectly well, that once that happened... you cut all ties and all emotions with me. That you just didn’t care about me anymore. I was replaced . I get it, it’s part of life. But it cuts like a knife. Especially when you just started doing well... I know you think I’m crazy, but it is nothing but natural for that to eat at a person. It’s every ex’s worst nightmare. Are you in love again already? Was it a rebound without feelings? Was it the best you’ve ever had? ...hoping it was mediocre... but knowing it probably wasn't. Those aren’t Francesca’s crazy thoughts, those are a normal human beings thoughts. As I continue meeting new people, and pick my next person... those thoughts will eventually disappear. But Sunday, they were there.  So I am sorry for relapsing. No matter what pain it brought me, I know you weren’t happy with me, and I am happy as long as she is making you happy in the ways I never did. I was never mad. Throughout the time you’ve had me blocked, I finally came to my senses. I realized while I was in love with you, I too realized you weren’t the one for me. That doesn’t mean knowing you’re with someone else who maybe is your one doesn’t knock the wind out of me. Which is also normal. While I struggled at work for a bit while going through this, and tormented my team...I managed to get back on top of things. I missed top ABM in August by 1 point when things were real bad, solely because of my personal sales. So... in September I made sure to kill it and came through #1. So that was exciting. I’m going to 7c, which I wouldn’t call exciting but I’ll try to make the best of it on my new little island. It’s weird.For some reason, I thought when my email rolled, either for 7c or for top abm that you would text me calling a truce. Saying congrats ... hopefully you have some more self control now... let’s keep it civil. If not an unblock then I honestly expected an email from you. I just want you to know where I’m at right now, and not hearing from you through either of those moments hurt more than finding out you are with someone else... don’t get me wrong, I get it. You were loyal to me, and I’m sure your new girl doesn’t want you communicating to your ex in anyway. I wouldn’t want that either... but it really put me in my place that you really don’t care about me anymore. And that really hit me like a ton of bricks. After a whole year and a half of almost everyday spent together, you cut me off and moved on like I never even existed... it’s crazy because I know that tends to happen with some relationships. But I thought ours was different. While we didn’t work out, and weren’t meant to be together ... I thought we mutually still cared about eachother. I thought we still would wish eachother congrats when they were due...Dwight told me you arent unblocking me when I go to 7c. It’s so disappointing to know that after all we have been through together, that you have 0 intention to ever unblock and speak a word to me again... it’s hard to process how blindsighted I was.  I never thought you would want to delete me in ever humanly way possible. Its a lot to accept. Darren, I will probably always have some type of feelings for you... but I have realized that I too, am not in love with you anymore. I did think you were someone different, and while I know my personal mistakes I’ve realized a lot more flaws in you too. You aren’t who I thought you were... well maybe you are that person... just not with me. But I have no hard feelings. I still find it shocking for you to not care about me at all.... I know I became intensely frustrating, but we had a strong past... but I have no hard feelings. If you took the time to read this, I appreciate it . But at this point I want nothing more than to be civil professional acquaintances at work.  And I want to reassure you that can be a thing. I have said everything I could possibly think of here. If you read this and are thoughtful enough to just acknowledge to me that you got it , I would appreciate it. I don’t see you doing that either way, but that would be cool. I would love for you to comment on anyyy of what I said and have a civil conversation with me before seeing eachother at whatever work function.. just so it isnt tense . It’s time for me to act like an adult... thank you for maybe taking the time to read ?  I just want you to know.... I’m doing a lot better... Xo francesca 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

whether proverbially or seriously - ill be dead by 30. because i’m not doing ~this~ at 30. that would be so sad ill be depressed about my own choices let alone what brought me there. 

i finally admitted my biggest problem in life is my obsession with having a family. not that its a bad thing to want - i’m totally reasonable for wanting it and all the reading ive done from all the great thinkers say part of the “point’ of life is family. there was like 4 pillars of life and this was one of them. and i think what i took from the beginning of this - where i didn’t even understand the enlightenment i was getting but i knew it was wise - was that we as a society really complicated things when we’re still basic humans with basic needs. and these complications make it so much harder to fulfill just these basic needs even though we’ve invented all the things to fulfill them.  

“im trying to be purposeful to make my life more worthwhile to myself”

so i’m actively trying to choose away from my incessant constant desire for having a family. it doesn’t even matter about whatever relationships i have right now if i choose something different but it’s pretty hard because everything was pushed away for this. 

who am i without a dedication to what little family i even had? 

if i am not defined by my family, what am i? 

i’m over the doctors. again. for whatever craziness that leads me to. i’m sure itll all be a mistake in a few months or some shit but i’m over it. i’m over playing games and being a pin cushion for pharmaceuticals. i’m really much smarter than this and that’s part of the problem. i can see the forest for the trees. i know exactly whats going on. i’m just making the wrong choices, wrong decisions. no pill in the world will make me choose differently. i’m not just in a bad mood so i make these choices. like that only works on a surface degree. i’m preoccupied with thoughts that are super detrimental but theyre not thoughts of insanity. if you take away this desire you take away apart of my human soul - it’s not going to happen or work this way. and i’m being convinced by all these people that yes this is the solution just find the right mixture but it’s not at all the solution. my doctor has completely lost my trust. i think the whole thing is a fucking farce. 

something does have to change. i will scream and cry the whole way but im grateful he forced a change so that i can reassess what it is i want and how i want to invest  my time and WHO i want to invest my time in. 

like i’m not living in a trailer. but i proved to myself what ive been saying all along - i’m looking for a purpose and anything that gets me closer to what i actually want, i’ll do it, but if it doesnt add to my ultimate desire then i just dont care. i’m not living in a trailer. i’m not going through all the shit i have to go through to live in a trailer park by myself. like fuck off, i can do so much more in life than that. like i still have some potential left in me. i’m still a great partner and there’s thousands of people out there who would appreciate it so i dont need to keep doing this. 

everyone around me including myself is borderiining on severly mentally ill and some of them arent even aware of it which is ten times more terrifying. this is my own fault - i am mentally ill. if i solved my own mental issues, normal ass people would want to be around me more often. but i become preoccupied in the dramatics of the mentally ill people that i do know, i get dragged down and into other people’s craziness and it affects my craziness and i never have time to focus on or solve the root issue because i’m so preoccupied with what everyone else is doing thats affecting me in some way. 

he is not my problem. he is EXASPERATING the problem. thats still a problem. but its not THE problem. 

im becoming more and more fed up with the whole charade and i dont cope well in such situations where ive become soooo frustrated that i cant even express all the feelings i have about how utterly fucked this all is. i just have to keep reminding myself that i’m allowed to feel everything i am and that i need to work towards being true to myself. 

millions of women want to be married an have a life partner. let me be. let me have what i want instead of trying to change me into what you want. like without his support i actually manage to do moderately fine on my own and i make more risky choices but not as risky as anything hes ever done in his life. and sometimes those things pay off just as his has but he chooses to take up MY time with no reward but this “support” and “help” he gives me. 

he becomes offended when i refuse to acknowledge that hes not really supporting me because hes ignores the one thing i actually want. like he actively ignores it on a regular basis. but tries to feed me everything else. it just doesnt work that way. 

i’m such a simple person. like the things i enjoy in life are sooo simple and non complicated and these are things i would do everyday and i dont think living the way i want to oing what i want makes me a loser at all. and honestly there are totally people out there who enjoy the same things i do and dont think its a waste of time. like holy fuck sometimes after a decade of bullshit you actually are okay with laying in bed listening to music smoking weed. i paid fucking dues ill never get anything back for. i already know what a 10 yr investent looks like that doesnt pay off. 

the only time i am ever animated or caring of my environment is when im listening to music. thats the only thing that lasted through everything else. i have zero other hobbies.  i listen to music. sometimes i draw. and the drawing thing im so fucking over i cant even begin. i really tried. i feel i had one last outburst for it and now im just like why. whyyyyyy. 

[skyquack-blog]

I am in such a bad mood you guy's A survivor story WiLL FolloW Legit this is a story of triumph and survival... Please read this. If i ever post anything important THIS is it so please for me read this!! This is my story and its pretty amazing. :'( Here i want all ya'll judging me right now to read this and think about it for a moment okay... This is what i wish would happen to you ass holes who cant keep you fucking opnions and scruteny to yourself... Okay!! Go back in time and be essentially a "shut in" with no actual friends to hang out with or talk to mostly because your suffering from certin aspects of schizophrenia that you as well as your family arent aware of... so here we are living under a rock way more quiet than the average human being dealing with weird ass issues like hearing voices and feeling like people can hear your thoughts and feel your emptional states so as a result you shut up and keep to yourself all the time... Then for the first time ever since ever you move to town and get yourself a friend who is mind you border line psychotic but she likes you and shes fun... now 6 months of this and suddenly BOOM your pregnant at 17... your baby daddy dont wanna hang around dont seem to give a fuck bout you even tho he does ect... Spend the next 2 years of your life fighting hard core yelling matches breaking things in a desperate ploy to get your baby daddy to fucking come home... Fight like this hard every day damn near for 2 fucking years b4 you finally give up... Then at 20 i want you to be the single mom of 2 children work every day pay all your own bills take care of and try to raise 2 kids all the while looking back on your bad relationship trying to find a new better more loving and equal partner ship (as a parent so young mind you your only 20)... and now here is for the fun part... Your 22 years old now and you found your self a psychopath... yup full on crazy ass mother fucking manipulative beyond your wildest understanding of manipulation im talking weird mk ultra shit going on and you fall head over heels in love... Great things are stupid as fuck by now but hey your in love who care right??? Well they get even dumber for some unknown reason to you still to this day your kids dad and his family decide to rip your 3 year olkd son away from you and your in a state of total SHOCK and cant seem to even think............ Cant even think........... Your still in shock....... Your son is gone. SEVERAL MONTHS PASS B4 your even allowed to talk to him........ your 3 year old son.... its just you the baby and the psychopath and daily texts from your BFF..... You finally push loosing physical custody and not being abel to have ANY contact with your son of which YOU HAVE COMPLETLY TAKEN CARE OF AND RAISED BY YOUR FUCKING SLEF so deep down insode of you it hurts even to simply think about him but now you get to visit CAUTIOUSLY btw.... Are we done yet??? NOPE!!! Alrigh well now your 23 god damn years old you survived a horrible relationship screaming and fighting, having your 3 year old son ripped away from you DATING A PSYCHOPATH (which has its own uneik set of fucking issues btw like rejection on a constant basis as well as being manipulated into self destruction yourself as well as your life without knowing your doing it) Dating a psychopath.... LOOK IT UP and suddenly out of no fucking ware you go through one of THE MOST INTENSE ONSETS OF SCHIZOPHRENIA most people and doctors could imagine happening to somebody... I mean normally people notice little symptoms like hearing voices and shit... Its already a rare brain disorder but its even less frequent for somebody to go through a full blown psychosis... Thats you... That 1 in 1million out of a billion going through a psychosis RAISING 2 CHILDREN IN LOVE WITH A PSYCHOPATH MENDING A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP WITH THERE CONTROLLING ANGRY FATHER ECT... EVERYONE THINKS YOUR HIGH ON DRUGS AND YOUR NOT.... Also not only are you experiencing this intense onset but your BFF ditches you cuz shes a huge attention whore bitch and suddenly you actually need her to be there ONLY for you and she just cant have that in her life so now your alone in the world... AGAIN!! For several years actually... You spend years recovering yourself your personality your ability to properly communicat eand associate or identify with yourself and the world around you because yeah the onset was that bad... Your relearnign and TEACHING YOURSELF how to human agin (nobody knows nobody gives a fuck) it was bad people... really really bad!!! Okay cool you think you have been through enough so quickly right i mean like within a 3 or 4 year time span you've encountered the worst of the worst for the most part loosing your son giving up week days with you daughter DATING A PSYCHOPATH that stupid relationship that was hugely stressful Did i mention that you were working full time paying all yo bills on yo own taking care of yo kiddow by yourself living essentially completly isolated at least 20 minutes to half an hour away from EVERYBODY you know you indapendent as fuck b4 this onset... SOBER dont even drink!! Your good to go... like good to fucking go... But no during this onset you loose your JOB ($10 an hour mind you that you were bad ass at and loved and ready to retire from) you loose your car you loose your house (for the better part of owning a home you cant live in it anymore) you LOOSE YOUR GOD DAMN MIND LITERALLY its gone schizo psychosis took it from you and held you captive no joke... your insane... considering your an adult now and not a child and your less susceptable to things you should be done by now right... NOPE so your by this point LONELY as fuck and kind of clueless cuz why has life been so hard for me man like i didnt intentionally fuck shit up for myself you know... i really honestly didnt... and you have a new outlook on things which is kind of really uneik considering how things have gone for you, your boundaries thanks to the schizo are all fucked up and off but you have managed to like regain certin aspects of your personality enough to feel strong and confident and your head on going itno life full force with hope and determination you got a year and a half of university under your belt ect... your not done... Your addicted to meth right now... yup whole heartedly consuming the shit out of one of the worst drugs IN THE WORLD right now... You know your addicted (your 26 btw) and your doing your absoulte best to quit (have i mentioned thanks to the schizo you pretty much went a year without physical custody of your other kiddo just so you could actually manage that year and a half in college which killed you every singel day to be away from her so that was hard) well even though your really trying to stop like really trying so hard you call 911 one night and ask an officer for help... okay cool your like a fucking METH ADDICT HERO by all tweeker standards lolz Well you go to some friends for help and instead of keeping it in the family they call DFS and even though you have done EVERYTIHG in your power INCLUDING giving you kiddow to friends of the family to look after while you go to rehab ect... yeah now you actually legally lost custody of your kid... The light of your life is gone... YOU ARE ALONE IN THE WORLD NOW... (both your fucking kids have been taken from you OMFG your entire life has been built arounf being a fuckin parent and now your nothing but a drug addict... they say time dont matter but dang a year on meth and my ENTIRE LIFE DISSAPEARED BEFORE MY EYES) you have nobody and nothing to look forward to on a dily baisis now... what do you do though?? By now youd think with all you been through how lonely you are how much of yourself and your life and the people you love that you have lost youd sink into a full blown life destroying meth addction... NOPE you actually get clean... YOU GOT SOBER OFF METH OF ALL DRUGS against all the odds set before you YOU GOT CLEAN (does anybody care nope) god i mean your not a success story at all by now. Not only have you survived being a single mom at such a young age as well as survived an tramatizing schizophreina onset loosing both of your kids and got away from a PSYCHOPATH but now you have survived a fucking meth addiction... JESUS CHRIST YOUR AN INSPIRATION do people think this about you??? NO not at all... your a looser fuck up crazy weirdo... damn and you thought you were doing good... nope... not yet... All you had through all of this was your mom. figures the strongest person you know is your fucking mom. Like nobody has survived as much shit as your mom accept you by this point. Sooo thanks mom for always being there when i needed you the most.. okay cool so here we are 7 fucking years later things have chilled out FINALLY for sure you got this after all that bull shit your pretty much back to normal and you got shit under control... K well i want you to look around and realize that nobody gives a shit... Your a LEGIT survivor and not one fucking person (welp accept oyur mom cuz shes the only one who really knows) gives a shit and people are constantly judging you thinkning you should have a job and be trying harder at life ect... You not doing the mom thing well enough your not doing the stay at home wife thing well enough your not being a productive member of society ect... Go through all that stereotypical DIFFICULT and CHALLENGING as well as RARE INSANITY and loss and then well and then place yourself under as much scrutiny as you can possibly imagin... Look around and realize that all the people in your life (beside maybe your mom) think your a puriah of the system cuz your living off a dissability check (a whopping $500 a month) a crazy weirdo your nothing but an insane weirdo looser lazy person... The only way anyobody will ever have any respect for you is if you get a pathetic $8 an hour job and pull yourself away from life as you know it now and work like the rest of humanity... GET A FUCKING JOB AND BE A BETTER PARENT BECAUSE YOUR A POS int he eyes of a lot of people close to you... CLEAN YOUR FUCKING KITCHEN AND COOK 9 course meals every single day... Your a looser I feel like dying right now... No joke :/ Im having a really bad fucking day~!!!!! Somebody mail me a fucking gold star okay!!