#out of a 26 year career this must be a fucking joke

[kraftykelpie]

Look at this fuckin' guy thinking he's hot shit (i drew a really bad romulan on the side of the car)

[willowser]

i have this like one hc that pro-hero work involves a lot of traveling, especially in the beginning. they move here for six months and then there for four and then here for 14 and so on, just to get experience out in the field.

so it only makes sense you and bakugou end things, right at the start of his career.

and it's okay. it is. bc you both love each other and you know that, know that it's not ending bc of any huge, terrible fight that makes you enemies of one another. all the memories you'll carry can stay gold, not tarnished by anything other than the bittersweet distance.

getting used to it takes a little time, that's all; before he was your boyfriend, he was your friend, first and foremost. someone you had inside jokes with and had similar interests you could talk to about for hours, things that you only did with him and no one else. things only he knew. and not getting to tell him exciting news about college or ask if he saw the limited edition, golden age all might nendoroid they're releasing at the end of the year...sucks. it feels wrong, like these are things he's supposed to know, no matter what. things you're supposed to talk about.

you call him five months into his eight month nagoya contract and he doesn't answer. you think maybe he changed his number and didn't tell you, bc he doesn't actually have to anymore. bakugou has always been good about self control, keeping to himself, and it wouldn't surprise you if he's written you off without a second thought—bc this is how it's supposed to be when you break up with someone.

it's not until the next day that you get a text, late in the evening.

[9:26 PM] did you mean to call me

of course you did, but maybe you shouldn't have. hearing the line ring over and over again—it's cemented the realization that he's not thinking about you anymore. that he's moved on and you should too and he probably doesn't want to hear whatever if is you want to talk about. he'll probably just think you're weird. clingy.

yeah, but it's nothing important [9:32 PM]

he reads it immediately and—nothing happens. and you think that's it. hopefully you didn't come off too passive aggressive and now he thinks you're mad that he didn't answer. maybe you should have put an emoji, the little smiling one with the hands to show no biggie ! maybe you should have just said that, or that you couldn't remember the name of that hiking trail you did together two summers ago, but then you googled it and didn't need him anymore. or something.

he calls at 10:03.

your heart is in your throat when you pick up, beating like crazy bc you haven't heard his voice in a while. "uh, hello?"

and he hesitates too; his drawn out inhale doesn’t go unnoticed. "hey."

there's a brief period of silence on the line, some light shuffling on his end. sounds of cars passing, the rare honk of what traffic lingers this late at night. the wind scratches by, audible, and you shiver despite being in your own bed. you imagine him under a dim streetlight, fully outfitted.

bakugou huffs, "you called me?"

"yeah," you blink and sit up, though you don't know why. maybe because this needs your full attention, or because you don't want your voice to get muffled by your pillow. "i was just, uh—my roommate. she asked me if i've ever been to gekikara gourmet festival—"

"oh my god."

it's the exasperation in his voice that makes you laugh, so vivid, exactly as you remember it, and you can picture the face he must be making. "i know, i was like 'oh boy, have i'."

"d'you tell her you puked—"

"—with my head between my knees while sitting on that kiddie slide, yes i did."

he snorts, just the way he did as he patted the back of your head that night, awkwardly, standing beside you with a fist at his side. "told you not to try those fucking noodles."

you agree. "they were making even you sweat, i don't know what i was thinking."

it had been one of your first official dates, and you think all the spicy food didn't help with your restless nerves. it always felt stupid, looking back on it, to be so afraid; you'd known bakugou forever, and the only difference between that night and the many you'd spent before as friends was that he'd kissed your temple, lips red from spice and all. it was just bakugou, you thought. what was there to be anxious about?

and now the silence is making your stomach turn.

"yeah," you continue lamely, "nothing important, it just—made me think of you."

he doesn't say anything. if it weren't for the distant slam of something—a trash can lid or car door—you would think he hung up. he's always had a hard time with his words and you don't really even understand why he called instead of texting. if there was something he wanted to say to you, you aren't sure he could.

"so, i guess i'll let you—"

"y'got a roommate now?"

"uh, yeah." something ugly in your stomach wants there to be jealousy in his tone, and you shake your head to be rid of the thought. because it shouldn't matter. "she's in a couple of my classes. big fan of, like, kpop and stuff."

he snorts again and you can imagine the roll of his eyes, bright with amusement despite the frown on his lips. you love that look on him; so content that it felt out of his character, something he wanted to hide. being the cause of it has always been so sweet. "different apartment?"

"yeah, in a little dorm on campus." he didn't live with you long, just in the time between graduating and when his applications to agencies began returning acceptions. "couldn't afford that place by myself."

bakugou hums, and your eyes swim so suddenly that you have to take the phone away from your head. you wonder if he misses those days as much as you do. the simple life, doing the mundane together; washing clothes in the laundry room downstairs, having to clean the dishes by hand or the dishwasher would flood the tiny kitchen, taking quick showers together so that you'd both get hot water.

it was terrible. it was perfect. the kind of life you could never have, with dynamight.

his voice buzzes distantly and you sniff, wiping at your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater before putting the phone back up to your ear.

"what'd you say?"

"that—" he huffs, "nothin'." you sniff again, unthinking, and he goes completely silent again. no inhale, no exhale.

he's not stupid. he probably knew this would happen and that's why he didn't want to answer. it was hard enough for him to get the words out the first time ("just gonna be shit, for you to be waitin'. eraser told me not to—won't be able to keep any fucking—and i don't wanna be some jackass that just lets you down all the fuckin' time.")

"sorry," you laugh because you feel awkward, because you didn't mean to force what you've been suffocating on him all at once. "i don't know what just happened."

bakugou mumbles, "s'fine."

you think that even if there was something he wanted to say, he wouldn't know how.

"but yeah," you sigh and scrub a hand over your face again. "no biggie, just thought it was funny when she asked and wanted to tell you. it's actually kind of late and i need to head to bed, but i'll—" talk to him later, is what you want to say, but your stomach drops and you know that it's not that easy. not anymore.

maybe it will be one day in the future, but this is the life you have to live, for now. all you can do is hold onto that hope, as your throat tries to tighten again.

"fuck, i—" he breathes, so frustrated that it nearly becomes a grunt, "y'don't know how—just, goddammit, in three months i'll—"

"i know," you tell him, and you smile like he can see it. in three months, he'll come back, to accept another contract, and then he'll be gone again. if there was a way to make it work, bakugou would have found it. of all people, bakugou would have found it. "it's okay," you tell him.

and it is. it is.

[callmeelle22]

Blue Dream III

Pairing: Iris West x Barry Alen

Rating: E

Chapter Word Count: 4, 559

Summary: A series of sporadic dates between Iris and Barry turn into something more, a story in its own making.

Chapter I: Primetime

Chapter II: It's Cool

Chapter III: Anything; It would make sense, she supposes, if looking at her also feels like this for him, like her heart beats in time with every breath he takes and like time slows or stalls or...like every minute here is infinitely longer and in these moments… in these moments, she thinks that the world must somehow tilt on its axis because she feels...i feel you comin' down like honey, do do you even know i'm alive?, do do you even know i, i... she feels… (Read below or on the AO3 link on the chapter title.)

Chapter IV: Comfortable

Chapter V: The Way

Chapter VI: Can't Take My Eyes Off of You

Chapter VII: I'm in Love with You

Chapter VIII: Blue Dream

Anything

Maybe I should kill my inhibition

Maybe I'll be perfect in a new dimension

On the Saturday the week after Barry’s impromptu visit, Iris finds herself down on Main Street about half an hour after 10 in the morning. Nearly the entire 8 blocks of the street are sectioned off, with a plethora of white tents set up on both sides of the street. She glances on as she makes her way down the sidewalk, as people set up books and jewelry and clothes; beer and wine and harder liquor; food and sweets and other treats.

It’s the setup for Central City’s Fall Fest, one of a multitude of fests in the city that Iris calls home. It’ll be open to the public in a few hours and, like usual, Iris will make her way up and down the blocks a few times, holding a beer in one hand and something fried on a stick in the other, a couple of bags filled with things she doesn’t need in the crook of her elbow.

Now, though, she steps into the alley that leads to the side door of Golden’s, an Asian and American fusion restaurant and bar owned by the parents of her best friend, Linda Park. She gives a heavy-handed couple of knocks and only moments later, Linda opens the door to let her in.

Iris first met the other women when they were in the 7th grade. Iris’s parents had divorced several months prior to a new school year and for reasons not then known to Iris, her dad had gotten full custody of her and six-year-old Wally. They’d moved into a new house on the other side of town and that had meant a new school for her. Linda had sat beside her in their homeroom/advisory class and the girl with beige skin and long dark brown hair was constantly scribbling something in a notebook. Iris had discovered that they’d been stories, usually with families as the starring characters. By then, Iris had begun to write in her own notebook—musings and wonderings about the neighbors she’d just met, about what it meant to be the oldest child of divorced parents. They’d bonded over their writing; well, that and being two of only a handful of girls at the school with skin darker than the pale and spray-tanned skin of their classmates.

For over a decade, it’s been Iris and Linda. Through the messy stages of puberty and their even messier interactions with high school boys; through late-night study binges and even worse interactions with college boys. Through the drug addiction that took Iris’s mom and the car crash that had put Linda’s older brother on life support until he’d succumbed to his own injuries, they’ve navigated it all together.

Now, life gets in the way. Linda, almost immediately after undergrad graduation, had begun shopping around a number of short stories and personal essays she had written until, finally, a publisher had bit and opted to publish them as an anthology. A few years and too many nights spent locked in a room later and Linda’s book is a New York Times bestseller. Iris’s own success story is pending. In addition to completing her graduate degree (which, at 26, she’d started late, after taking some time off and working at a local newspaper), she runs a blog, one she’d started by accident. Her middle school musings had become pointed interviews and, with the classes she’d taken in college, had gotten the necessary skills to begin writing up her own human interest stories. It’s amazing, she’s learned, what people will tell you when they can hide behind the face of someone else. What a Life You’ve Lived is growing in popularity, making some money too, and it’s starting to become more than just a hobby for Iris.

Neither Iris nor Linda is ever truly free; but in a concentrated effort to make time, they brunch at least twice a month. This morning, it’s at Golden’s (where Linda is working as a bartender while she writes her next book) because her parents want them to try out new menu items. When the door shuts behind them, Linda turns and gives Iris a hug, wrapping her arms around her neck. Iris returns it, smiling into her hair, her familiar lavender scent a warm comfort she didn’t know she needed.

“I’ve missed your beautiful face,” Linda says, squeezing her hard once before letting her go.

“Yeah?” Iris asks, mouth lifting in a smirk. “Is it because you’re tired of looking at Daniel’s beautiful face?”

Linda rolls her eyes. “Never, though I’d rather put my eye out before I tell him that.”

Linda has been dating her boyfriend Daniel Ngyuen, nerdy engineer and man ridiculously head over heels for her, for a few months, after they met at a book signing hosted by Linda’s parents.

“You’re ridiculous,” Iris tells her, and Linda preens in response.

Something in Iris tightens, a faint film of green clouding her view for all of a millisecond. She’s ashamed she even had the thought, that she feels anything but happiness at the light in her friend’s chocolate brown eyes or the glow in her cheeks. She’s not jealous of Linda, of course she’s not. But Iris can’t help but find some envy at the feeling of contentment that so obviously surrounds her friend and the juxtaposition of her own drifting existence.

It’s almost tangible, these differences, at least to her. Iris can see the confidence practically emanating from Linda’s dress-clad form, the long-sleeved maxi dress and tall sandals, her wavy shoulder-length hair, making her look a little like a goddess. But Iris imagines that’s what it must look like, to be at the start of a career you’ve always wanted, to have the love of a man you’re secure in, to just...know your place, your purpose.

And maybe Iris is being dramatic. She supposes she looks as put together as she’s always thought she needed to be in her light denim jeans, pale pink cropped sweater, and tan block-heeled sandals. She’s been wearing her natural hair out this week and the wavy curls are piled up in an artfully messy bun. Still, even if Iris can’t touch on why she feels so scattered, like all of the pieces that make up the whole of her are floating aimlessly around her body, she cannot deny that the feeling is there, taking up space in her head like the songs she latches on to keep focused, maybe I should pray a little harder, or work a little smarter.

They walk through the restaurant, bustling with the waitstaff preparing for the 11 am opening. Golden’s isn’t an overly large place, only able to fit about 50 people at a time, but Iris thinks it’s a part of the charm. It’s decorated in dark brown wood and bright white and gold light fixtures; the tables and booths are spread out in a way that allows for privacy, making customers feel as if they’re in their own little worlds.

Linda leads them to their usual table, one actually tucked into a little alcove where only the Parks and their guests are allowed to sit. At the table, there’s already a carafe of juice too close to red-pink to be orange juice, along with a bottle of champagne. Outside of the wine and marijuana Friday nights and the occasional party or club, Iris only really indulges in alcohol when she and Linda have these brunches. They slide into the booth and Linda immediately reaches for the champagne.

Over the next couple of hours, Iris is reminded of why, regardless of her own issues, she loves his woman. They laugh, sharing stories of Iris’s students and the customers who come into Golden’s. They get on each other’s nerves, making jokes and ribbing the other any chance they get. At one point, Linda’s parents come out, her honey-skinned Chinese mother Xuan and her dad Theo, Chinese and white with skin like baked sugar cookies, and Iris blinks adoringly up at the both of them, always lost in their beauty—both tall and elegant with ridiculous cheekbones.

“It’s sickening,” Linda mutters as she watches Iris watch them walk away, “how you look at them.”

“I’ve had a crush on your parents for as long as I’ve known them,” Iris replies. “If they ever want a thre-”

“Don’t you finish that fucking statement,” Linda gripes and Iris howls in laughter until Linda points out the attractiveness of Iris’s own father. “You know I’d always hop on the chance to be your stepmom.”

“And I’d happily sabotage your wedding day.”

“But it’d be worth it when I got to climb on top of Daddy West during the honeymoon.”

Iris throws a strawberry at her.

She hears him before she sees him. She’s been at Fall Fest for only about twenty minutes after leaving Golden’s, full and tipsy, walking through the steadily filling streets. Of all of the festivals in Central City, of which there are several (seasonal fests like the Fall and Spring fests; food fests like the Food Truck and Italian Food fests; cultural fests like the Juneteenth and Hispanic Heritage fests), the Fall Fest is one of her favorites. It’s during the best time of the year, when the sun is still blazing but the wind cuts through the heat. When the leaves have begun to drift off trees and dance onto the ground, changing into the shades of yellow and orange and red that only nature can paint. When the booths run the gamut in what they sell, from cooked and packaged foodstuffs, to clothes and jewelry, to dance or golf lessons. It’s the one festival, besides the Pan-African Celebration, that their entire family would attend, even for a few years after the divorce. Her parents would take off work and put aside their differences to spend time together--until Wally had felt too old and her dad had needed too many more work hours and her mom had gotten too lost; and then Iris had started coming with Linda and then, this year, alone.

But she doesn’t dwell—she tries not to dwell these days—and besides, she’s just heard him.

He doesn’t sound any different in the light of the day. In her head, she keeps hearing him as he is in the throes of passion, when his voice is more of a throaty curse, when it’s a rumble against her heated flesh. Here, out here with children screaming from their blocked-off sections and ladies laughing as they smell through candle selections and men arguing from the faux sports bars set up at random tents, he should sound like anyone else. He shouldn’t even be heard over the music coming from the speakers they can’t see—down for the ride, down for the ride; you could take me anywhere; do do do down for the ride, down for the ride; you could take me anywhere; i hope you will, I hope you will, I hope you will—or the sheer noise that’s true for events like this. But he is.

She looks up, ignoring the woman still trying to convince her to buy a bottle or three of perfume, and she sees him, right at the booth beside hers. He’s with two other men, one shorter with light brown skin and dark brown eyes and black hair pulled back in a ponytail; the other only a bit taller than the friend, with skin darker than Iris’s, glasses, and a short afro. Iris vaguely thinks that the three of them together are some sort of setup for a bar joke. They’re dressed similarly, in pants and t-shirts, though Iris’s eyes catch onto Barry’s hunter green chinos and white shirt, the beige pocket square matching his desert boots. All three of them have relatively full beers in their hands and Iris is looking at the cup in Barry’s hand (or rather, his fingers wrapped around the cup) for about three seconds before it jerks, beer spilling out. She looks up to find he’s looking back at her too, muttering “Iris,” in surprise.

She watches her hand and smiles back at him, a bit awkwardly, stepping away from the booth where the woman has already moved on to a new customer.

“Hi Barry,” she responds, walking over to them. She spares a glance at the other two, the Black man looking at her curiously, the Latino man a bit more humorously. “Fancy seeing you here.”

It’s not her smoothest line, but Iris thinks she might be in shock. When he’d left her, again, before she woke up on Saturday morning, she’d found his number written in tiny handwriting on the notepad on her desk, the unimaginative “call me” scribbled beneath it. She hadn’t. She’d thought about; oh had she.

On Monday, she’d debated calling him up to grab a coffee during her break. On Wednesday, she’d gotten an email about a new story and she’d wondered, for a moment, what he might think about it. But then she’d thought of his sweet mouth telling her “I wanted to know if it was as good as my memory,” and she had decided that he likely wouldn’t care about her days.

Now, he gives her a thorough once-over, probably remembering, and Iris feels a flush of heat run through her that she knows has very little to do with the warm late September sun.

“Iris,” he says again, his voice a touch higher than normal. His companions look at each other, eyebrows raised.

“Iris,” the long-haired one repeats, laughter coloring his tone. “I’m Cisco.”

“And I’m Chester,” says the one with dark skin, and they both stand there looking at her, grinning like loons until Barry cuts in.

“Alright, stop being weird.”

They don’t. Barry rolls his eyes and pushes past them to stand in front of her. Even with the heels she’s wearing, she has to stretch her neck a little to look up at him.

“Hey,” he says, this time lower, a soft breeze on her skin.

“Hi,” she repeats, just as softly.

The sounds of the carnival don’t disappear so much as they become muted, such as if she were submerged in water or if there was a rushing in her ears, because everything becomes background noise save for the concentrated sound of his voice.

“You didn’t call,” he says to her.

“I—” she starts, but she’s got nothing to say, not anything that won’t make her sound needy or desperate.

“Hey Barry,” Cisco calls.

“Yeah?” Barry answers, but he doesn’t turn away from her. No, he’s looking at her still, assessing her almost. He’s trying to figure something out, she decides, or at least that’s how it seems, what with the way he stares so intently, blue-green eyes pouring into her, bringing up images of them staring up at her from between her thighs, bringing out impressions that feel like more than lust, like more than just two people who’ve only ever bared their bodies to each other.

“We’re gonna go to another tent,” Chester says. “Catch up with you later.”

“Alright,” is the reply, those eyes glittering like the sea in the afternoon sun, still fixed on her. There’s a slight frown to his mouth, and when he speaks again, she can’t tell if he’s reached his conclusion or not.

“Walk with me?”

She nods before she even thinks about it. “Sure.”

They start back down the path. The booths are in abundance this year; it’s a bigger festival than she’s seen before. For a while, they don’t talk. They walk side by side, arms brushing every so often, stopping at booths that catch their attention. For him is a booth with a variety of multi-piece puzzles, some featuring landscapes and gardens, others of the solar system or space. For her, it’s one selling notebooks, beautiful leather-bound journals. She stops, enthralled, picking up one in coral-colored leather with rose-gold edging.

“We can also engrave the name,” the sun-tanned woman with pale blonde hair behind the tent says. “Or you can order custom colors.”

Iris nods, murmurs, “these are really nice,” and continues flipping through the heavy cream paper in the coral notebook. These days, much of her writing gets done on her overused Macbook; it’s just easier that way. But when she writes, for herself—little anecdotes about her day, her feelings spelled out in poetry—she does so in notebooks like these.

“You’re a writer,” Barry wonders and it’s a statement as much as it’s a question.

“Yeah.” She looks up at him and nods. “I’m actually getting my master’s in journalism.”

She puts the journal down once she notes the $40 price tag and thanks the woman as they walk off, Iris looking back at the notebook with longing.

“I also run a blog,” she tells him, and the words tumbling out of her mouth are a shock.

“Really?” he looks at her in surprise. “What’s the site? Is it popular?”

It’s not like she’s embarrassed of her blog or anything, but it feels different, to tell people she knows about her work. Because it’s one thing for strangers to read what she types out in earnest, and in tears and in vulnerability, but it’s something altogether different for people she knows to do the same. They aren’t her stories, not actually, but they are always her words, always her emotions she puts into them, and it feels too, too telling somehow.

“It’s growing in popularity,” she tells him, because she’s the one who opened this can of worms. “It’s called What a Life You’ve Lived.”

He hums, like that means something to him, but before she can ask what, two kids come barreling through the aisle. Iris tries to step out of the way and she slips, her heel catching in a small crack in the asphalt. Her knees buckle, but before she can hit the ground, Barry’s arms are around her. One of his large hands holds onto her, pressed against the bare skin of her belly, and then she’s pressed fully against him.

It’s absurd how much she likes the feel of him—the slim but corded muscles in his arms, the apparent strength in his fingers; and she likes the smell of him too, the faint hint of his laundry detergent mixed with the heat of the sun mixed with the citrus of his cologne. It’s another moment (™), which doesn’t make sense because he’s only just caught her from falling. But he’s looking at her like there is more in her gaze besides the brown of her irises, the flutter of her lashes. It would make sense, she supposes, if looking at her also feels like this for him, like her heart beats in time with every breath he takes and like time slows or stalls or...like every minute here is infinitely longer and in these moments… in these moments, she thinks that the world must somehow tilt on its axis because she feels...i feel you comin' down like honey, do do you even know i'm alive?, do do you even know i, i...she feels…

“Are you alright?”

Barry’s voice is quiet, too quiet for the energy they’re surrounded by. And maybe she doesn’t even hear it as she does read the movement of his pink mouth.

“Yeah, I am.”

He straightens, then, and gives her a half-smile. “You know, Iris, if you wanted to fall all over me, you could have just called.”

He likely had been trying for levity, but it’s pointed, right there at the end. She steps away from him and he lets her, his fingers sliding along the small of her back until they’re no longer on her skin. It leaves her cold

(only that can’t be true, because it’s far too warm out)

and she watches as he stuffs his hands into his pockets.

“I was waiting on your call, Iris.”

They've moved into a corner where the direction of the festival booths turn right. Straight ahead of them is a 21+ section; it features a stage where performances will begin around 5 as well as a number of makeshift bar stations. There’s a similar set-up with kid-friendly activities on the other side of the festival. Barry’s friends are standing at one of the bar stations talking to two women, both with chestnut-brown skin and long kinky hair. Iris’s eyes shift to take in the rest of her surroundings, to the sound of people laughing and the couples holding hands and the families who seem elated to be together on a day like today.

When she turns back, Barry is patiently watching her, head tilted to the side, expression thoughtful, like it always tends to be.

“Have dinner with me tonight,” Barry suggests “We can walk around some more. And once we get sun-tired, I can take you to this spot that I like nearby and we can talk. Maybe about why you didn’t call.”

She licks her lips, pulls the bottom one between her teeth. She hedges, long enough to tell herself that this would be a foolish endeavor, that she should just say no, that he’s nice and cute and what harm would it do. But, really, when he asks, those cyan eyes gleaming and his cheeks faintly pink and his face so goddamn hopeful it almost makes her look away, she really has no other choice.

“Okay, sure.”

She doesn’t tell him why she doesn’t call.

What she does is tell him about her dad and how she’s always been in awe of him, of his grace and his strength and the lessons he’d taught her. She tells him about Wally, who’s brilliant and searching, trying to figure out his way (not unlike her, though this she doesn’t say). She tells him about Linda, her sister in all of the ways that count, who’s always with her, even when she isn’t. And when he asks, because of course he does, she tells him about her mother who was beautiful and kind, all the way until sickness took her away.

She tells him this because he tells her first, about a larger-than-life father whose proximity to wrong-doing bureaucrats had landed him in prison, and an easy-going mother whose life had ended because someone else had been desperate for the money in her purse.

They do indeed walk around ‘til they’re tired, until around 6. Then Barry takes her to a little American bistro where they pride themselves on grass-fed meats and homegrown vegetables. They devour burgers the size of their heads and a mountain of fries that deserve their own table. He stuffs her with food and a piece of pie after, and he asks her some questions. He wants to know her favorite color and the television show she’s currently watching and if she’s always wanted to be a writer: yellow and Bridgerton and only since her parents’ divorce, when she’d needed to know that hers was only a unique story—or maybe she had needed confirmation that it wasn’t. She wonders about his dream job, his favorite hobby, the one thing he wishes he could do: forensic scientist, which he is, amateur theater, and getting his dad out of prison. That opens up a space for more convolution than should be allowed on a first date, and so she asks him more about amateur theater.

After, he walks her back to where her car is parked past Golden’s. When they get there, he listens for the sound of her car alarm, and then he turns her around, pressing her back against her car door. He walks closer, a hand at her waist, the other reaching up to cup the back of her neck, thumb circling lightly around her throat.

“Thank you for dinner,” she whispers. “I had a really nice time.”

“Yeah?” His mouth ticks up, that half-smile that is somehow both charming and a little bit maddening. “Enough that I might get a kiss?”

She tilts her head as if in thought, even as she gives in to her desire to touch him too, reaching up to finger at the faint moles dotting her cheeks. She only barely nods her acquiescence when he closes whatever distance is left and kisses her. Iris is always surprised by how warm his mouth is, by how sweet he tastes. He tastes like the apple pie they had earlier, but also like early sunset coffee on cool fall mornings and like how slow sex in the middle of the night feels.

He’s gentle in some ways, his mouth moving slow against hers, his tongue licking into her mouth like he’s trying to find life inside of her. But he’s a little rough too, squeezing at her waist so he won’t fondle her in the middle of the street, tightening his hold on her throat, only a little, but enough that Iris begins to feel the action in the throb of her sex. They kiss, eyes closed, her own fingers scratching at the nape of his neck, her hips thrusting against his in time to the flick of his tongue across her bottom lip, until she feels the swell of his dick against her belly and her loud moan tears him away from her.

“Fuck Iris,” he all but growls, licking his lips as he looks her over, a little wrecked. She hadn’t even realized she was doing it, playing with the soft strands of his hair, until she notices it’s all messy, matching the state of his swollen mouth, his wrinkled skirt, the heavy dent in the center of his pants. She wonders what she looks like.

“Get in the car, baby.”

Wide-eyed at the endearment outside of sex, Iris does as he tells her to, sliding in and buckling up before he closes the door. When the purr of her engine starts, he motions for her to roll her window down. She does, waiting as he plants his elbow on top of the car, bending his lean frame down so that his face is level with her.

He smiles softly at her. “Go out with me next Sunday.”

She bites at her lip, if only to give herself another moment to breathe. Because this date would be moving beyond a two-night stand, beyond an impromptu date, far beyond kissing on the side of the street.

“What time on Sunday?”

“Early afternoon,” he says and leans in even closer. “I’ll pick you up.”

She nods before she can talk herself out of it, even if she knows that she should. Barry motions for her with a crook of one of his long fingers, and it makes her think of what’s been playing in her head, of down for the ride, down for the ride; you can take me anywhere, and when she comes to, he places a sweet kiss on her mouth.

“I’ll see you next week,” he says, pulling away slowly.

And then Iris watches him—his strong and assured walk, his compelling and commanding aura—until she can’t see him anymore.

Do do do down for the ride, down for the ride

You could take me anywhere

I hope you will, I hope you will, I hope you will

[badwithten]

365 days | teaser

nct dream x reader

high school au

word count - 10k +

genre - fluff, kinda a little of angst

warnings - swearing, mentions of vaping and drinking, mentions of sex/masturbation but nothing more than jokes,

release date - 26/8

taglist - send me an ask or leave a comment to be added (if you already commented the first time this was posted than you have already been added dw)

synopsis - it's the dreamies last year of high school, but for their best friend y/n, it's a different story. with her being a year younger than them, she’ll be left behind at the end of all this. she is faced with the pressures of exams, her only friends leaving school and starting a new year. if all of that isn't enough, on the first day of school she finds an anonymous love letter shoved in her locker. she has 365 days to find who this mysterious lover boy is before he's gone. can she do it?

Dear Y/N,

I hope this doesn't come off as creepy or stalkerish but I need a way to tell you how I feel without actually having to. Ever since you came to our school as a lost year 9, you made me curious about you. You were so kind to our group and never once made us feel embarrassed to hang out with a year 9. I noticed you paid extra attention to me, whether that was on purpose or not, but I hope you noticed I also paid extra attention to you. But now that the year is coming to an end, so is my high school career. Which means we can no longer see each other as frequently. There is no doubt in my mind that we will still be friends but I'm afraid that what we have now will die down and disappear. I want to turn it into something before I leave. But as I said earlier, I'm a coward. I don't know how to tell you this but, I think I love you. Obviously that's crazy, but I think I have the potential to love you. I want you to give me a chance to show you the potential I have. So here it is. My request for you to find me. What I mean by that is you don't know me. I mean you do but you don't know who this letter is by. That's for you to discover. I don't want to pressure you into accepting my love, so if you want it, you’ll have to look for me. Since I’m leaving at the end of the year, that's your time limit. A year, 365 days to find me before I’m gone. Good luck.

From a lover boy.

The handwriting is not recognizable, neither is the writing style, which happens to be gibberish. You're not sure if you should be flattered or not, sure this person did just say they love you but at the same time, what the fuck? Who is this guy and why did he think this was a good idea? You try to brush it off, choosing to believe that it was just someone playing mind games with you. You screw up the paper and toss it in your bin, hoping that will be the last of it. But as you try to sleep that night, that's all your mind thinks about. Whose ‘lover boy’, why are they so interested in you? What surprises you the most is that they must be friends with you, someone you know, a group you're in. At least you can now narrow it down to seven boys. But why would they do something like this? Wouldn't they just tell you. You lie awake running through the possibilities of who this could be. Someone you pay extra attention to, someone who likes you, someone, anyone. Anything to stop the confusion.

[wrestlingisfake]

G1 Climax 31 preview

The G1 Climax is an annual heavyweight tournament in New Japan Pro Wrestling. It's typically one of the top events in Japanese wrestling, because the biggest stars in the biggest company try to deliver their best performances. The tournament runs from September 18 to October 21.

All 19 shows (!) will stream live and on-demand at njpwworld.com for 999 yen ($9 US) per month. Because of the billing cycle, you have to pay for 2 months to see it all as it happens, or you can wait till October 1 and try to catch up in one month. Watching all 91 tournament matches (!!!) can be kind of grueling (especially if you're trying to keep up with other wrestling at the same time), so it's not for everyone. But there are bound to be some highlights worth going out of your way to check out.

The G1 is a round-robin tournament, with 20 wrestlers separated into two blocks. Each man wrestles everyone else in his block, and the one with the best win-loss record is the block winner. The winner of A Block then meets the winner of B Block in a final match to decide the winner of the tournament. The winner of the G1 Climax receives a trophy and a contract for an IWGP world heavyweight title match at Wrestle Kingdom 16 in January 2022.

Ordinarily the G1 would be meticulously planned out to ensure the most marketable main event at Wrestle Kingdom, so only a handful of guys have any real shot at winning the tournament. However, the pandemic has thrown off a lot of New Japan's plans. Also, since Wrestle Kingdom has expanded to a multi-day event, more and more wrinkles have been added to the traditional "#2 guy wins the G1 to challenge the #1 guy for the belt" formula. So this year's G1 has a lot more potential to surprise us--whether such surprises will be good or bad remains to be seen.

A Block

Shingo Takagi - The reigning IWGP world heavyweight champion. If he wins the tournament, he'll have the right to choose his opponent for Wrestle Kingdom. If there was ever a year to book the champion to win the G1, this might be it. Amid some tumultuous booking this summer, Takagi came from out of nowhere to capture the title, and they've put a lot of effort into making him look worthy of the honor. So it might be cool for him to run through the field, and choose a challenger that couldn't be here, such as Will Ospreay. However, the smart money is on Shingo losing two or three matches to fall short of winning the block and to set up challengers for other shows.

Kota Ibushi - The winner of the last two G1 Climax tournaments, in 2019 and 2020. Few wrestlers have won the G1 three times, and no one has done three in a row. But if anyone can do it, it's Ibushi. He was crushed by losing the world title right after he unified it, and he's clearly in Shingo Takagi's sights (they'll square off on October 3). If he doesn't win the block, I expect him to get very, very close.

Tetsuya Naito - He won the tournament in 2013 and 2017. Naito started 2021 by losing the IWGP heavyweight and IWGP intercontinental titles to Ibushi, who unified them into the current world title. Since then, he's been on the back burner; if he's going to be back on top in 2022, this is where we'll find out. He's the leader of Los Ingobernables de Japon, and Takagi is a member, so their match on September 26 will be particularly interesting.

Zack Sabre Jr. - One of the IWGP heavyweight tag team champions, Dangerous Tekkers. Sabre's technical wrestling presents a challenge for any opponent in the G1, so he can easily play spoiler, but he's probably going to finish in the middle of the pack. I'm particularly looking forward to Sabre vs. Yano on October 13, because their match in last year's G1 was a fun mix of chain wrestling and dirty tricks.

Tomohiro Ishii - One of the NEVER trios champions. Ishii is never going to win the whole thing but he reliably delivers solid performances throughout the tournament. His matches with Ibushi (September 18), Ibushi (September 23), and Naito (October 9) should all be must-see for hard-hitting, what-the-fuck intensity.

KENTA - He can go, but he relies heavily on stalling and other cheap heel tactics to slow down the action, so it's hard for me to get into his matches these days. I'm sure he'll really cut loose for some of his block matches, but it's hard to guess which ones. My main interest is in seeing him go up against his Bullet Club teammates Yujiro Takahashi (September 23) and Tanga Loa (October 13).

Great-O-Khan - This is his first G1, after doing a run-in last year to help Will Ospreay and form the United Empire faction. O-Khan's got an interesting look, but his in-ring work hasn't been blowing anybody away. This should be the clearest test of his upside--if New Japan thinks he can be a serious headliner, he should pick up at least five wins, and maybe even six or seven. I'm not confident that will happen.

Toru Yano - The KOPW 2021 champion. Ordinarily Yano is the comic relief guy, whose block matches are built around silly spots so that the other participants each a get sort of a night off. However, Yano's recent feud with Chase Owens seems to have reawakened the brawler gimmick he had years ago, so it's not clear which Yano is going to show up for the tournament. Either way, I would expect Yano to pull of some key upsets to throw off everyone's predictions.

Tanga Loa - Loa is making his G1 debut. Since joining New Japan in 2016, he's been almost exclusively a tag team guy. It's not unusual for tag teams to compete in the G1, but Loa and Tama Tonga seemed determined to stay out and focus on the tag division. So his appearance here is a little surprising, and probably indicates that New Japan didn't have a lot of other options. He should do well in the ring, but some guys are going to finish 4-5 or worse, and I think he'll be one of them.

Yujiro Takahashi - Yujiro went 1-8 in last year's tournament, because somebody's gotta lose a lot, and that's his role. He's almost certainly going to to do the Bullet Club bit where either Kenta (September 23) or Loa (October 3) will talk him into laying down for the good of the team, but then he'll refuse at the last second. The most interesting thing about Yuje right now is he's a part of the "House of Torture" subgroup emerging within Bullet Club, but I don't expect that to matter much in his block matches.

B Block

Kazuchika Okada - The winner of the 2012 and 2014 tournament. Okada hasn't held a championship in nearly two years, and that's unlike him. So he's an easy pick to win this block and perhaps win the whole G1. The only problem is that he's got some stiff competition from other favorites like Hiroshi Tanahashi (September 19) and SANADA (October 4). He probably needs to win at least one of those two matches to make it to the finals--if he loses both, I'm not sure a 7-2 run is enough.

Hiroshi Tanahashi - The IWGP United States champion, and the winner of the G1 in 2007, 2014, and 2018. This will be his 20th appearance in the tournament, so he's got the decisive edge in experience. Tana is always going to be presented as a strong contender to win the block. But the only reason to have him win the whole thing would be to do an "aging legend makes one more run at the top" story, and they already did that three years ago. So look for him to have good matches, but don't count on him making it to the finals.

SANADA - He was the runner-up in last year's G1, which was a little baffling because I felt his booking that year was designed to build to a huge victory. He's felt like an afterthought since then. Will New Japan give him a lot of wins to remind everyone he's still a rising force? I'm really not sure.

EVIL - On paper, he's a big deal because he betrayed Los Ingobernables de Japon to win the IWGP heavyweight and intercontinental titles last year. But after Evil lost those belts his stock dropped. New Japan still trots him out like he's a major threat to the top champions, but he just does a bunch of low blows and then loses anyway. I think they'll protect him, because they're going somewhere with this "House of Torture" stuff. But I can't believe he'll win the block, except possibly to troll the audience.

Taichi - One of the IWGP heavyweight tag team champions, Dangerous Tekkers. I was always down on Taichi but he grabbed my attention with his weird kicking contest against Kota Ibushi last year. Since then he's been more fun to watch, although that's mainly been in tag stuff. If he's truly set aside the boring stalling tactics, then his block matches this year could be fun. But he's probably going to wind up right around that 5-4 or 4-5 range.

Jeff Cobb - Cobb should be a big deal, but he's basically the #3 guy in the United Empire (and there are only four guys in the group), and he hasn't had a lot of chances to score big wins. By the time he got to beat Okada a couple of weeks ago, I'd kind of lost interest. This is his big chance to remind everyone he's a beast. It'd be cool as hell if he went to the finals, but I'm not holding my breath on that.

Tama Tonga - This is his first G1 in three years, and before that he always seemed to be over the whole thing, so it's kind of weird to see him back here. Even when he wasn't focused on tag team wrestling, he was always a 4-5 guy, and I don't foresee a big singles push changing that this time.

Hirooki Goto - One of the NEVER trios champions. Goto's career arguably peaked when he was the runner-up to Kenny Omega in the 2016 G1. He should have good matches with everybody in the block, but he's not a game changer, and I don't see him getting to 5-4.

YOSHI-HASHI - One of the NEVER trios champions. Yoshi has always been a loser, to the point that winning the trios title (which has always been kind of a joke) was actually a huge deal for him. Goto, Ishii, and Yoshi have managed to defend the title nine times over 400 days, so it feels like Yoshi is finally on track. But there's a big difference between that and doing well in the G1, against top guys like Okada, Tanahashi, Evil, and Sanada. He could very easily go 2-7 in the block. Just getting to 3-6 would feel like a major milestone, honestly.

Chase Owens - The self-proclaimed "Texas heavyweight champion," for some reason. Owens has been the bottom guy in Bullet Club for years. I don't know if they decided it's time to push him a little, or if they literally had no one else to put in this thing. Not that it matters, since he's in the same "lose a lot" spot as Yujiro. The difference is that Yujiro might win a match to justify putting him in next year's field. Chase might actually go 0-9. So at least it'll be kind of fun wondering when (if) he can post his first win.

[ourmuse-s]

Luisa Fischer

Writing About Music

Dr. Loughridge

4.18.21

Design Your Own Project

                          Looking Back At Swimming by Mac Miller

            I cried when I heard Mac Miller died. I was a few weeks into spending my first semester of college abroad in London, sitting at a restaurant with two students on my program. My phone kept buzzing under the table, and when I finally looked down, I thought the messages I was getting were some kind of joke. Still, I panicked, and the classmates I was with asked me what was wrong as I held my breath and tried to disprove what my texts were saying. But as soon as I opened Twitter, my feed was filled with updates that struck my heart with a sharp pain. “Mac Miller dead from overdose - details coming soon”. The news was already trending, as hundreds of thousands of people openly mourned for the rapper who died at the young age of 26. He started releasing music twelve years before at the age of 18, and had grown a fanbase that grew up not only listening to his music, but alongside him. There’s no other way I can describe what I was feeling besides pure devastation and loss.

           The first time Mac Miller caught my attention was my sophomore year of high school, when my friend played his album the Divine Feminine on loop in the hour car ride from school to his house. After Shazaming the first three songs, I realized I might as well download the entire album because every song pleased my ears in a way in which only few artists have in the past. I immediately fell in love with Mac Miller and his music, the reason being the way in which he described women. Coming from Atlanta, I had grown up listening to a lot of rap music, and was used to the ways in which the genre often sexualizes and objectifies women. Although Mac Miller wrote a lot about sex, it was from a perspective that was not only respectful and in admiration of women, but inclusive of them. Rather than having females be the object in his songs, his lyrics gave them an equal voice in a way that was able to attract his large female demographic. Mac Miller was able to make us feel heard, understood, and respected in a way that most male artists don’t even try to do.

           However, this wasn’t the only way he made his music as intimate as it is. In his later albums Mac Miller wrote about his struggles with addiction, depression and heartbreak. He went through a public breakup with pop star Ariana Grande, who quickly got engaged to a new man, and was struggling with drugs and alcohol when he was arrested for his DUI all in the year of his fatal overdose. His final release before his death, Swimming, was an album that discussed these topics in such detail, it made anyone who listened to it feel connected to how he was feeling at the time. It was an important album to me personally, even before his death, as I was in the midst of unbearable homesickness and loneliness, and it comforted me in the state that I was in. However, as I sat there in London, scrolling through the tweets confirming his death with tears running down my face, I couldn’t help but ask myself if Swimming was Mac Miller’s goodbye to the world.

           Swimming is all about Mac Miller trying to move into the future with self acceptance and self care - hence the title of the single track “Self Care” - while still acknowledging the pain that the past has caused him. The first track of the album “Come Back to Earth” automatically sets the mood of the project, and became the quote fans used to mourn him after his death. In the song he sings “I just need a way out my head, I’ll do anything for a way out my head” over the strum of an electric guitar before fusing with an electric piano and soft harmonizing strings that add a sense of hopefulness to the melancholy melody. His lyrics further reiterate his attempt to find happiness and sunshine amongst the dark skies that he sees. “Oh, the things I’d do, to spend a little time in Hell” could allude to his craving for substances to make the pain more bearable - he knows that they’re not right, but he craves the feeling that they give him (hence him wanting to spend time in Hell). From this first track, it seems as though Mac Miller was “coming back to earth” after always being high, and all relaying his struggle and depression in trying to find sobriety.

           Another song that had fans looking back on Swimming in a different light was the album’s single and music video “Self Care”. The song itself seems to be about the way in which Mac Miller feels about the people in his life as well as himself, with lines such as “Can’t trust no one, can’t trust yourself yeah” followed by “I love you, I don’t love nobody else, yeah”. This could be a reflection of his broken trust towards the world and himself after losing Ariana Grande, but it’s certainly him admitting that he doesn’t trust himself to take care of himself. The title is almost ironic, the refrain being “Self care, I’m treatin’ me right,” while the rest of the song seem to disprove this line in other lyrics such as “I been losin’ my, losin’ my, losin’ my mind, yeah / Get the fuck out the way, must be this high to play” and “Somebody save me from myself, yeah”. It almost feels like Mac Miller is admitting that he’s tried to move past his addiction and struggles, but continuously falls back into his bad habits and doesn’t seem to care anymore. He feels safer in his bad habits than he does facing not only the world, but himself. Towards the end of the song he says he wants to go home to his house, then follows with “It’s safer there, I know there’s still a war outside / We spend our nights all liquored up, our mornings high,” again opening up his mind to his fans, and giving them insight on the way he covers his fear of the world with substance abuse. “Self Care” as a song alone, shows the struggles Mac Miller was feeling towards life and himself, something that many people can relate to on some level.

                          “Self Care” Official Music Video - Mac Miller

           Even more haunting than the song, however, is the music video that was released for “Self Care” just two months before his death. It starts off with a wider shot of blackness and the single light of a flashlight Mac Miller is holding while laying in a box. As the camera zooms in, you see that he’s laying in a coffin, seemingly relaxed as he lights a cigarette and carves “Memento Mori” into the coffin - which translates to “remember you must die”. He stares at the writing for a few moments before punching through it, and pushing himself out of the dirt he’s buried under, that has collapsed on top of him. Fans came back to the video, released in July of 2018, after news of his death in September of that year, and speculated whether it was Mac Miller predicting his own death. Even though he seemed to be trying to fight against it in the video, in hindsight it seems almost like his goodbye to the world.

           However, in January of 2020, a posthumous album Circles was released. Mac Miller’s friend and fellow producer Jon Brion finished multiple tracks off the album in the way he envisioned the late rapper to have wanted them. The songs of this album gave fans a new perspective of Mac Miller and his state of mind in the year of his death. Unlike in Swimming, which indulges in the pain the rapper was feeling, Circles gives a true sense of self acceptance and hope for the future. If Swimming is black and white, Circles is a fusion of colors that gives insight to what could’ve been the future of Mac Miller’s career and life. Although the posthumous album didn’t make his death any less tragic or diminish his state of mind during Swimming, it was a way for fans to feel closer to the rapper after his death, and have more closure on the person and musician that Mac Miller was.

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[ohblackdiamond]

little t&a (gene/paul, nc-17) (part 23 of 29)

part 1   part 2   part 3   part 4   part 5   part 6   part 7   part 8   part 9   part 10   part 11   part 12   part 13   part 14   part 15   part 16   part 17   part 18   part 19   part 20   part 21  part 22   part 23   part 24    part 25   part 26   part 27   part 28   part 29

Four weeks before KISS gets back on tour, Gene discovers that Paul’s been cursed by a groupie. For the sake of KISS’ finances, Paul’s comfort levels, and Gene’s libido, this crisis must be resolved. Sexswap fic. In this chapter:  Paul and Gene watch T.V. and continue to delay the inevitable.

          They went home after that, stopping only to pick up some more takeout for dinner. Paul was bemoaning it a bit, and offering to make them both sandwiches instead, even when he was pulling up to the restaurant.

         “I’ve gained three pounds just this past week.”

         “You’ve been weighing yourself?”

         Paul looked at him weirdly.

         “Well, yeah. Every day.”

         “Even since this happened?” Gene was a little bewildered to think that even getting cursed hadn’t been enough to distract Paul out of that particular concern.

         “Yeah. I think I’m still gaining it all in the abdomen.” Paul took a disgusted glance down at himself, assuming he could even see his stomach past his chest. Gene was beginning to wonder. “We can’t keep eating like we’re on the road.”

         “Can’t we?”

         “Fuck, no.” Paul grimaced, shaking his head as he parked the car and turned off the engine. “I spent the entire break trying to get my weight down.”

         “You look fine. Why are you so worried?”

         “The costume girls’ll have a fit.”

         It was the first time either of them had mentioned anything related to the tour all day. It cut through the Central Park fantasy like an Exacto knife. Gene wasn’t going to have some cute girl—this cute girl—hanging on his arm for much longer. Maybe no more than a few hours.

         Gene rubbed his elbow uncomfortably. Paul, gazing at his own reflection in the car mirror and pushing his hair in front of his shoulders, didn’t seem to notice, so Gene pushed the rest of his thoughts aside. They got out of the car together; Gene paid for the food, and they returned to Paul’s place soon after. Half the takeout was gone before they’d even gotten home with it. They finished off the rest at the kitchen island, then laid around on the couch awhile, T.V. running in the background while Gene read and Paul doodled.

         It was kind of funny, really. Occasionally it felt like nothing had really shifted. Still watching T.V. together like they used to in the hotels, back when getting laid after the show was a distant hope and not an inevitability. Eating out of Styrofoam boxes. Joking around and shooting the shit.

         The rest of the time, Gene was painfully aware of how much had shifted. There was the sex, sure, even if they hadn’t gone all the way, but that wasn’t the whole of it. He’d still have his gloomy spells, sure, but overall, Paul seemed so happy. So open. So—maybe Gene was giving himself too much credit, but Paul seemed—taken with him. He’d never been aware of anything like that out of Paul before. If those big, dark eyes had ever looked Gene’s way with half the warmth and attention he was getting now, then—well, then, Gene hadn’t noticed.

         He’d thought Paul didn’t like him a bit when they’d first met, in fact. He’d been high on his own bravado, and Paul had just hung in the periphery of his circles. Somebody had introduced them, and Gene had popped off immediately, something like oh, you write songs?, and Paul—well, he’d been Stan, and Stanley if you wanted to piss him off, back then; he hadn’t gone by Paul until a year or two later—had snapped right back with an affirmative.

         He remembered asking him to play one for him, and Paul had. The song was a lousy, incoherent mash-up of the Stones, Bowie, and the Beatles at their most soused, and his playing was worse. But somehow after, they’d just… Gene didn’t know. He couldn’t remember a definitive point where they’d clicked. Paul had still been in the process of nearly flunking out of high school, while Gene was a sophomore, or maybe a junior in college. But he remembered starting to call him up after classes, inviting him to parties and jams. He remembered thinking Paul was standoffish and nervous, not cut out at all for the rockstar career he was so desperate for. But he didn’t remember ever getting the feeling Paul dug him. More that he was just lonely.

         He didn’t want to delve into it too deeply. Rethink nearly ten years of interactions. It wouldn’t do any good, and it wouldn’t change any of the way things were right now. He watched Paul kick up his ankles against the arm of the couch, and finally spoke.

         “What did you take us out for, anyway?”

         Paul glanced up from his drawing. It was something weird and abstract, not the eerily-accurate dick sketches Gene was accustomed to out of him. Hatchmarks, parallel lines, and weird, elongated shapes were well on their way to completely covering the sketchpad.

         “To pay you back. I told you.” The pencil resumed its scratch across the page.

         “No, why did you really do it?”

         “Because we’d never get to again.”

         That was all he said for awhile. The words hung like streamers. Gene sort of wanted to argue him down, even though he wasn’t wrong. He couldn’t pretend he didn’t know exactly what Paul meant.

         “You can take me out anytime.”

         “Not like that.”  Paul shifted abruptly. “I’m gonna go shower.”

         Gene raised his head, half at the words, half at the slight thump of Paul’s sketchpad next to him on the couch.

         “Want some company? I hear there’s a water shortage.”

         Paul shook his head. Gene felt guilty at his own weird relief. For whatever reason, Paul wasn’t ready yet. They could keep on pretending for awhile longer.

         “Maybe later tonight.”

         Gene nodded. Paul’s expression seemed a little bit strained, but he turned and headed for the bedroom, not closing the door behind him. A minute or two later, Gene could hear the sound of the water running.

         Then he got up, looking through the living room’s bookshelf as if he hadn’t done it prior. Paul didn’t really read for pleasure. He had stuff like  The Power of Positive Thinking,  Games People Play, I’m OK – You’re OK, and a ragged copy of  How to Win Friends and Influence People, the last of which was highlighted like a book of scripture. Gene had been flipping through it while Paul drew.

         Then he had magazines with his face or KISS’ picture on the front cover. No intellectual reading material at all, though that wasn’t what he was looking for. At the bottom of one shelf were Paul’s junior and senior annuals and a small line of photo albums. Gene pulled one of the older-looking albums out at random.

         It was green and typical, with thick black pages. Probably one Paul’s parents had started of him. The initial contents weren’t surprising. A faded birth announcement. A taped-in lock of baby hair dated August 2, 1952—Paul’s parents hadn’t bothered with upsherin, so maybe it was no wonder he’d never had his bar mitzvah. Sepia infant photos—Gene swallowed a bit when he realized that even in the pictures where Paul was barely able to sit up on his own, the photographer had him posed with his head turned to the right, to hide the microtia. Some pictures from birthdays. A picture of him along with the rest of his second grade class. They were lined up by height, and Paul was standing towards the back, easily recognizable just from the eyes and expression. By that point, he’d apparently figured out the pose on his own; he was almost aggressively facing right, while everyone else was looking the camera head-on.

         All that misery and insecurity over two square inches of missing cartilage.

         Gene shook his head. He flipped past most of the rest of the pictures of Paul as a kid, past even the awkward handful from when he was a teenager, before finally coming up on photos slightly closer to current. He’d apparently kept a few Polaroids from Wicked Lester and the earliest days of KISS, before they’d even had the makeup. Then, as he turned the pages, he found a scattering of random, more recent shots. Paul goofing off in hotel rooms. Paul lounging in swim trunks by the pool. Paul in a tux sucking cake frosting off his fingers at Ace’s wedding.

         He was trying to hammer in his head that this was how Paul really was and really looked. He was trying to figure out if he’d still be attracted to him once he was back to normal. If he’d feel something while he looked at the pictures. Start getting hot under the collar, maybe, the way he did with Playboy centerfolds. But—well, Paul only tried provocative poses when he had on the greasepaint, and most everything in the album was barefaced and fairly candid. Gene wasn’t sure he was feeling anything beyond some fondness while looking over pictures of Paul in front of the Eiffel Tower or eating poi in Hawaii.

         That bothered him. Not that he was planning on jacking off to a stupid picture of Paul sitting shirtless on the hood of his car, but—he’d—he’d wanted something definite out of this. Arousal or repulsion. He needed to know. Whether Paul had wanted him for four days or four years, Gene owed him that much.

         The dull white noise of the shower cut off. Gene put the photo album and the book back on the shelf and waited for Paul’s returning footsteps. Maybe later tonight, he’d said. Maybe later than that.

--

         Paul spent longer than he meant to in there. Cleaned himself up, washed his hair and shaved. He’d gotten into the habit of shaving almost everything but his chest and sometimes his underarms because of the tours. Now that he was basically down to only having to worry about his underarms and legs, the effort took two minutes or less, leaving him just standing useless for awhile under the spray.

         He knew what his next move ought to be, just as well as Gene did. Invite him in, get rid of the whole virginity problem, and get back to normal. There was no reason to keep delaying it. He’d had his time with Gene. More of it than he probably deserved, the way that they’d already wormed themselves out of the curse’s terms of consummation, like wily lawyers with contracts.

         He wasn’t scared. Well. He wasn’t just scared. He knew it was probably going to hurt. He hadn’t tried to penetrate himself since that second night with Gene, and even Gene’s fingering had pretty much been rubbing. If he couldn’t tolerate a finger inside him, a dick would be even worse. Paul was tempted to blame it on Carol, but if one less-sexy Playboy article was anything to go by, it was really just his nerves. He’d have no bulwark against them, either, no drugs or alcohol, when he slept with Gene. When he really slept with Gene.

         That wasn’t his real problem, anyway. His real problem was the same as ever. Knowing it would all be over as soon as he let it happen.

         He skimmed a hand over one newly-smooth thigh, fingers sliding across his wet skin. Up to his stomach, then his breasts, idly pushing them together. Considering. Wondering how it must’ve felt for Pinocchio once he got everything he ever wanted, once he was flesh instead of wood. Funny how that was Gene’s takeaway from that movie. Work hard, get your wish. Input-output. But he wasn’t going to get his wish here. Paul couldn’t be a real girl for him. No part of him ought to have ever wanted to try.

         He’d just have to steel himself up for the end, that was all. Delaying it too long was only going to make it worse. It was—it was abysmal, not having taken care of it already, when he’d been so desperate to do it only the day before. But he couldn’t bring himself to commit just yet. Whether out of cowardice or longing, he didn’t know. He wanted to keep messing around with Gene as long as he could. Have Gene keep looking at him, keep touching him. Keep being with him. 

         He swallowed thickly, stepped out of the shower, and dried his hair off a bit with a towel, pulling on a bathrobe before heading back out to the living room. Gene was still on that same couch,  Hawaii Five-O playing in the background. Jack Lord was really starting to look craggy now.

         “You wanna go to bed?”

         “This early?” Gene looked a little amused, but Paul thought there might be something else there. Something on the border of disappointment.

         “There’s nothing on T.V.”

         “Did I play my cards right?”

         “You didn’t play them wrong. We can fool around some more. I’ll keep my top off.”

         It was a lousy offer for a guy who had girls chomping at the bit to sleep with him, and Paul knew it. But the grin he got in response was enough to make some of his guilt, some of his self-disgust, ease off, if only briefly.

         “C’mon, I’ve got an idea.”

--

         Gene followed him to the bedroom affably, taking off his borrowed t-shirt and tossing it on the floor. He didn’t start on his pants, but Paul did for him, unzipping and tugging them down. Gene’s mouth crooked up, uncertain but pleased.

         “You’ve got an awfully wide berth for fooling around, Paul.”

         “I’ve got an awful lot of practice.” Paul untied his bathrobe but didn’t take it off yet. Unsurprisingly, there was nothing beneath it. His hair was still pretty wet, skin pink from the shower. The musky scent of him was almost gone, rinsed away by the shower and soaps, only readily apparent again when Gene’s hand moved between his thighs. It was kind of a thrill to find that earlier hadn’t been a fluke. Paul just kept getting wet for him easier than even a groupie.

         Kissing down his neck as he kept stroking, getting a couple soft grunts in response, Gene wondered what Paul was up to. He was positioned a little awkwardly, legs spread wide, with Gene kneeling in the space between them. Paul kept shifting on the bed, posture a little stiff. Not like yesterday; he just seemed like he was deliberating, anticipating. Gene didn’t think Paul was comfortable enough to pull out any toys or handcuffs. Even light bondage seemed like a little much. Possibly—

         “Did you want to 69?”

         “Nah, I hate that shit. Give me your hand.”

         “Paul, if you’re going to tie me up, I want a striptease first.”

         Paul shrugged off the bathrobe and tossed it at him with a grin.

         “I’m not gonna tie you up, Jesus. Just give me your hand.”

         Impishly, Gene offered the right one, already soaked in Paul’s fluids. He was surprised when Paul took it, grabbing his wrist and pressing Gene’s palm into his cleavage, guiding it up and down. Gene felt a shiver run up his back, dick stiffening to full attention when Paul let go of his hand. The thin streaks of clear fluid left behind were their own promise, one that only got more definite as Paul lowered himself onto the bed, gesturing for Gene to come forward. He did, straddling him carefully, cock resting between his slightly-slick breasts. Paul squeezed them together experimentally, the brief pressure enough to make Gene twitch. Fuck. He hadn’t even fantasized about this one. Fucking Paul against the wall, eating him out--sure, sure. Paul letting him go for a titfuck had been way too far out of the realm of possibility for him to picture.

         “It’s enough, right?” Paul’s voice was soft, vaguely pleased. Gene grunted an assent. They were definitely enough. Another squeeze, though Gene hadn’t tried to thrust yet, Paul watching for his reaction. “Figured we could put them to some use.”

         “What’re you getting out of this?”

         “The same thing you got out of me getting off on your leg. A good view.” Paul reached a hand up, stroking along Gene’s arm. “Now c’mon, I don’t wanna have to put K-Y on my tits.”

[infjabberwocky]

imagine if she was on something...

ARCHIVE FROM SEPTEMBER 8, 2019

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since.

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return.

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[pointy-hat-witch]

Fic where kirishima is a French celebrity and bakugo is his bodyguard (lol idk if that’s weird). This is for the fic rec thingy :)

Requests are still open! 

Nothing weird about that!! Thank you so much!!

Title: Words unspokenSeries: Boku no Hero AcademiaPairing: Kirishima Eijirou/Bakugou KatsukiWordcount: 2809Summary: Bakugou was tasked to be the bodyguard of a French celebrity, he had never heard of. Well, what could go wrong if they both couldn’t understand them because of their languages?

Bakugou groaned inwardly for the sixth time in the last ten minutes or so, contemplating all of his life choices that had led him to be in this position. He was standing with the back to the wall, about a meter away from the person who crashed into his world without warning, crumbling everything he worked for so hard. And he didn’t even care. What the actual fuck.

-- 5 days earlier ���

Lounging on his couch, Bakugou enjoyed one of his rare free Sundays. Usually, Bakugou had to work on weekends, especially on weekends, but now, after about eight weeks in a row, he finally had a day off and he was adamant, to not do anything. Maybe going to the gym later on, but that didn’t count as actual work or something.

Nursing a glass of orange juice in one hand and a sports magazine in the other, his phone started to ring. After the third ring, Bakugou was a patient man, thank you very much, he grabbed it after slamming down his drink and paper.

“What?!” If someone had his number, that meant they knew him well enough he wasn’t one for pleasantries and he wouldn’t start now.

“Jolly, aren’t we?” came the gruff voice of Aizawa, his agent if he could call it that. Bakugou grunted in response and fell back into his couch again. Aizawa calling meant a new job, for nothing else he would call.

“Tomorrow afternoon, 2 pm, a French celebrity is coming to Japan, rather spontaneously. They’re staying for a week or two and their parents asked for someone professional. They themselves are not pleased with it, so don’t start a fight with them.”

Bakugou listened and soaked up the information. Great, didn’t French people have the reputation to be arrogant? Not that he was one to judge. But at least, his arrogance wasn’t baseless and normally, if a celebrity claimed they didn’t need protection they’re especially in need of it.

“What’s their name?” Bakugou pulled up his laptop, his fingers already itching to make his own research.

“Kirishima Eijirou.”

“Huh? Japanese?”

“Well, their parents are but they were born and raised in France. I don’t think they speak Japanese.”

“Fantastic.” Sarcasm oozed from him. There was hope they wouldn’t have too much of an accent. “Send me an email with the rest.” With another grunt, Bakugou disconnected to start his research.

Kirishima Eijirou, 26, actor and model and a hotshot in Europe. With only 8 years of age they had their first supportive role in a fantasy drama, with 10 they were the leading role. 7 years later, a model company got him under contract and ever since the star was rising. There was a small article about their trip to Japan, in which they stated, they wanted to finally see the homeland of their parents.

Great, if they want a fucking tour guide, they could go fuck themselves. Bakugou’s mood soured by the minute, already dreading the next two weeks. Hopefully, they would find Japan not nearly as interesting as they hoped and fly back to their lovely European country.

A pop-up window signaled an incoming mail, which Bakugou opened immediately. He scanned the usual information about the client, nothing he didn’t find out himself earlier. They should drop off at Narita Airport at 1:58 pm and then there was the address of their hotel they would be staying. Bakugou scrolled down, not interested in all the small details, he was just there to keep them safe after all, until he reached the payment section. He had to make a double-take, staring at the quite hefty sum. Are all European celebrities loaded? This was as much as he got for the past six months, holy fuck. For that, he could put up with this Kirishima.

Attached was a photo of them, and Bakugou realized he didn’t look up this fine detail. He opened the file, breath hitching in his throat. Hotshot became a whole new meaning. Bakugou didn’t question their model career, at least not anymore. Kirishima’s red eyes were wide open, crinkling at the corners by the big smile and Bakugou felt as if they looked right into his soul. The red hair was bright like a halo around their head, sharp teeth giving their innocent-looking smile a dangerous note.

It was only a headshot but judging by their neck and shoulders, Bakugou didn’t think they needed protection at all. If these muscles weren’t all for show, at least. But something about how Kirishima carried themselves told him; they weren’t.

The next day went around too fast. After his initial shock, Bakugou pushed down all his surprise and fascination, it was just a job like every other. Waiting at the airport in his crisp black suit, well fitted, accompanied with a pair of dark sunglasses and a stun gun in his holster, Bakugou held up a small sign with Kirishima’s name on it. It didn’t take long until Kirishima arrived, a big group of people in their tow.

They smiled at everyone they locked eyes with, waving and scribbling on photographs, magazines and whatever else was pushed into their face. Just watching this, Bakugou’s eyes twitched. Kirishima looked around and, finally, their eyes landed on Bakugou. Their smile grew a little more, and after waving one last time at their fans, they jogged over.

Despite being a model and being able to pull off a lot of different looks, Bakugou did some more research, sue him, Kirishima looked like a fashion disaster. Did they think they were in Hawaii? A big, colored Hawaiian shirt over a black muscle shirt and deep green Bermuda shorts decorated their body, completed by a pair of red crocs. Holy fucking hell.

Bakugou steeled his nerves when Kirishima walked up to them.

“Bonjour!” The lips split into another grin. “Bakugou Katsuki?”

Bakugou nodded curtly, turning around without another word.

“Attendez!” Kirishima yelped but caught up to him in no time. Ignoring the inquisitive eyes on him, Bakugou led them outside to their car. He didn’t make any move to help Kirishima with their bags or, god beware, holding their door open and just sat down on the driver’s seat. After a few seconds, the trunk was opened and closed, Kirishima sat down next to him.

“Fait, merci. Savez-vous où aller?” They kneaded their fingers in their lap slightly, but Bakugou just put down his glasses and maneuvered their car out of the parking lot. Kirishima hummed next to him but didn’t ask any more questions, thank god.

The drive was short and silent. Bakugou parked right in front of the hotel, a staff member came up to park the car in their underground garage. Ignoring Kirishima’s luggage again, Bakugou just waited for Kirishima to walk up. Bakugou wasn’t here to babysit and do things for him, he just needed to put his life on the line when the situation arose. Kirishima shot him a grin and walked up to the reception, waving dismissively at the page who was grabbing for their luggage.

“Bonjour, mademoiselle. Une réservation sur le nom Kirishima Eijirou.“

„Bien sûr, un moment, s’il vous plaît.“ Came the immediate answer from the receptionist. Huh, did they had to speak French in hotels nowadays? Bakugou pushed down his curiosity and finally did his job, he was paid for it after all. Ignoring any further chit chat between them, Bakugou was on the lookout for any abnormalities. Even if this trip was spontaneous, one or two days was enough for some people to come up with the craziest ideas.

Without incident, however, they got up to Kirishima’s room. They fell down on the bed with an exclamation, laying on it like a starfish. Bakugou used this time to walk through all the rooms, inspecting if there would be any other people with them, for whatever reason. It took him about ten minutes since there were three bedrooms (they were alone, why did they need so many bedrooms?), two bathrooms, two spacious living rooms, and even a kitchen.

After his inspection, Bakugou walked up to Kirishima again who now sat on the couch in one of the living rooms, switching through the TV channels.

“Listen up”, Bakugou crossed his arms, speaking English a little slower than usual, “I don’t know how you do this stuff usually, but I have some rules your better follow if you…” Bakugou petered out as he saw Kirishima’s wide eyes on him, their eyebrows slowly knitting in confusion as he spoke on.

“Do you… even understand me?” Bakugou huffed incredulously. This must be a fucking joke.

“Uhm”, Kirishima scratched their nose, “Vous ne parlez pas français?”

Bakugou furrowed his eyebrows, a growl formed in the back of his throat. “Godfuckingdamnit.”

Laughter boomed out of Kirishima. Curses seemed to be universal at least, though, Bakugou wasn’t in the mood to laugh. How should he work with someone with whom he couldn’t communicate?

The rest of the day and the day after, Bakugou felt like all of Japan got a memo he didn’t receive. Was French suddenly the second language for everyone or why was every Tom, Dick, and Harry able to speak French fluently? Wherever they went, museums, parks, restaurants, shops, everyone didn’t hesitate to answer Kirishima in their native language and it drove Bakugou mad. He was the one who was the most prepared of them all, always. But even he couldn’t learn a language in one or two days so how come that everyone suddenly could?!

Bakugou was fuming. It took all of his professionalism to stay focused and do his job properly. At least, Kirishima didn’t try too often to strike up a conversation but they warmed up to him which Bakugou didn’t appreciate. They tried to coax him to watch TV with them or offered them a seat at the restaurants they went, but Bakugou either glared at them until they relented or plain up ignored them.

Maybe because they couldn’t communicate, Bakugou was concentrating more on Kirishima’s action, their gestures, and mimics, to assess the situation and to intervene if necessary. On the third day, Bakugou begrudgingly had to admit, he could easily tell when Kirishima was genuinely smiling at someone or was faking it and was polite; he could estimate when Kirishima was done somewhere when their interest dropped and for whatever reason, Bakugou then subtly steered them somewhere else.

On the fourth day, Bakugou realized, Kirishima did something similar. Whenever they were in open spaces or too crowded spaces, Bakugou got fidgety after a certain amount of time. Especially in these places something could happen because there were so many potential culprits and too many directions someone could come from and it took a toll on Bakugou’s concentration. So, whenever he was almost at his limit, Kirishima decided to take a break and go somewhere quiet.

This is how he found himself in a backroom of a fancy restaurant, Kirishima meeting with some famous family for dinner because their children were big fans of them, taking deep, deliberated breaths to calm himself down. Even as he noticed Kirishima’s care? Indulgence? Bakugou didn’t mind. Somehow, he enjoyed their non-verbal communication.

A little absent-minded, Bakugou stared at the twins in front of Kirishima who stared at them as if they were a deity coming down to earth specifically just for them and Bakugou had to suppress a snort. Teenage fans were hilarious. If they knew, Kirishima snored horribly or that they couldn’t cook for shit or they nibbled on all their pens and pencils in concentration, they sure wouldn’t be so hung up on them.

It was only a split second, but Bakugou was nothing if not the best at what he did, so everything happened so fast and in slow-motion at the same time. His eyes saw the glint of the knife in one of the twin sisters hand, his body already tensing up, so when she suddenly shot up on her chair, he had his hand already at Kirishima’s collar to pull them back, pushing them behind him and grabbing the wrist of the girl with his other hand. In one swift movement, he pushed her down on the table, twisting her arm on her back and making her drop the knife.

“What in the ever-loving fuck was that?” Bakugou growled at her. Everyone was silent for a few seconds until the girl started crying. Her parents grabbed at Bakugou, screaming to release her.

“What in the world are you doing to my daughter?! Get your filthy hands off of her!” The mother almost screeched in his ears.

“Are you fucking blind?!” Bakugou snapped back. “Didn’t you see how she attacked them?!”

“She didn’t do anything! You suddenly attacked her!” The father screamed at him, pulling back a fist to throw at Bakugou. Before it could even get near him, Kirishima pulled the man back with a dangerous smile.

“I’m sorry, I must ask of you to not assault my bodyguard when he is just doing his job.”

Bakugou just barely registered that he understood Kirishima as he spoke perfect Japanese when the man jerked his arm free, obviously, Kirishima let him, and grabbed his daughter from off the table and pushed his family out of the room without any further comment.

There was a beat of silence as the door fell shut behind them, leaving Kirishima and Bakugou staring at it as if this couldn’t just have happened.

“What the actual fuck?”

“You tell me.”

Bakugou twirled around. “You!”

“I?” Kirishima blinked. “Oh yeah, you do speak Japanese!” Apparently it was hilarious enough, to laugh.

“You fucker! You hair-for-brains fucking stupid shit speak Japanese and didn’t tell me?!”

Kirishima wiped away a tear from their eye as they caught their breath. “I- I-“, they huffed. “I thought you could only speak English! You just started with that and I thought, you know”, they shrugged helplessly, still giggling.

“Don’t you … fuck … stop laughing! You almost got killed! There is nothing funny about this situation!” Bakugou fisted his hands, gritting his teeth.

“Oh? Did I? I thought you had the situation pretty much under control.” Kirishima finally huffed out the rest of his laughter, lazily resting their hands on their hips. Their eyes laid on Bakugou with utmost confidence that their life was in good hands. Bakugou felt his face heat up and coughed.

“Of fucking course, I did!” The grunted, pushing the chairs back at the table just so his hands had something to do.

“Well, so, there was nothing to worry about.” Kirishima shrugged. “It’s a shame for the food, though.” The pushed the plates further onto the table, so they didn’t tip over, but most of the food was already spilled on the tablecloth.

“That isn’t …” Bakugou snapped his mouth shut in frustration. How could Kirishima be so calm? “Just … let’s get you back to the hotel.”

“You got it!”

How didn’t he realize that Kirishima did, in fact, speak Japanese? That was ridiculous. So many stupid situations could have been avoided. Angry at himself and Kirishima, Bakugou sat down in the car and closed the door with too much force.

“Hey, Bakugou?”

“What, shitty hair?” Bakugou growled, earning a low snicker.

“Thanks for saving my life.”

Bakugou’s head whirled around to Kirishima who looked at him warmly, a small smile that illuminated the small compartment of the car like the sun, nevertheless.

“You’re … fuck.” Bakugou started the car, fixing his eyes on the road so he wouldn’t stare at Kirishima again, causing an accident, worst-case scenario. Their drive was short and silent, but not uncomfortable. They walked up to Kirishima’s room, Bakugou had taken the liberty to live in one of the other bedrooms since they wouldn’t be used otherwise, so he could stay near his client at any given time.

After changing into something more comfortable, Bakugou stood in the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards and the fridge.

“What are you doing?” Kirishima sat down on one of the stools, leaning over the kitchen island with one hand at their chin.

“Dinner.” Bakugou grunted. Kirishima’s mouth formed a soundless ‘o’ and then split into another grin.

“Sure thing. You need any help?”

“Not from you, fuckmunch. You’ll just set the kitchen on fire.”

“It was just one and just a little bit of plastic!” Kirishima cried out, throwing their arms up.

“You were making a bowl of cereal!”

“Well, yeah?!”

They stared at each other until they both snorted. Bakugou turned back around to the stove, pouring oil into it and getting the steak ready. Kirishima didn’t stop smiling as they watched Bakugou cooking in comfortable silence.

And when Kirishima stayed a few weeks longer in Japan and Bakugou came with him to France afterward, well, it wasn’t anybody’s fucking business, was it?

[scullyy]

100 Truths

Tagged by darling @missdaisymayrio

1. Real name: Daina

2. Nicknames: Scully, Gremlin (only Kyla can call me that)

3. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

4. Gender: Female

5. Nursery: Didn’t go to one

6. Primary school: Went to a public school, good times

7. Secondary school: Private but ended up transferring to public

8. Hair color: Green/Blue (naturally brunette)

9. Long or short: Relatively long now, had short hair for YEARS

10. Loud or quiet: Depends on my mood, usually quiet

11. Sweats or jeans: Shorts bruv

12. Phone or camera: Camera :3

13. Health freak: Not really, I have a sugar addiction what can I say

14. Drink or smoke: Engaged in drinking in the past, wasn’t my thing. Smoked marijuana once, again wasn’t my thing

15. Do you have a crush on someone: Nope

16. Political orientation: I’m not really political

17. Piercings: Ears (helix, tragus, two on either lobe, conch) and my septum!

18. Tattoos: None but hot damn do I really want some

HAVE YOU EVER [BEEN IN]:

19. Airplane: Yes! I’m not a big fan of flying though

20. Car *accident*: Almost, my friend is a shitty driver :/

21. Fist fight: Never, I’m too lazy to get into fights

FIRSTS:

22. Piercing: Ears

23. Best friend: I lost my best friend due to some drama over my ex, don’t speak that much anymore. So no, I don’t really have one.

24. Instrument: Piano, still learning though

25. Award: I’ve won awards for athletics and one for writing.

26. Crush: This one boy in my class when I was seven. I don’t remember what I liked about him though

27. Language: English

28. Big vacation: Went to the Gold Coast when I was 15, that was awesome.

LASTS:

29. Person I talked to: My mum hehe

30. Person I texted: A friend of mine about skincare crap

31. Person I watched: Idk??????

32. Food I ate: Avocado and tuna sushi :3

33. Movie I watched: The Perfection (a weird ass Netflix movie)

34. Song I listened to: Beyond The Sea -  Robbie Williams

35. Thing I bought: This face oil thing my friend recommended

36. Person I hugged: My mum (I got scared after something happened earlier today)

FAVES:

37. Food: SANDWICHES!

38. Drinks: Tea and Juice mmmmmm

39. Clothing: Shorts with my long denim jacket + my flannel cap

40. Book: I’ll Give You The Sun - Jandy Nelson <3

41. Color: BLUE

42. Flower: Hibiscus 

43. Music: Halsey and Conan Gray

44. Movie: The Lovely Bones

45. Subjects: English and Art!

IN THE PAST YEAR IM

47. [] Kissed in the rain

48. [X] Celebrated Halloween

49. [X] Had your heart broken

50. [] Went over the minutes on your cell phone

51. [] Someone questioned your sexual orientation

52. [] Used a weapon

53. [] Breathed fire (god I wish)

54. [] Had an abortion

55. [] Done something you’ve regretted (I don’t believe in regrets)

56. [] Broke a promise

57. [X] Kept a secret

58. [X] Pretended to be happy

59. [X] Met someone who changed your life

60. [X] Pretended to be sick

61. [] Left the country

62. [X] Tried something you normally wouldn’t like, and liked it

63. [X] Cried over the silliest thing

64. [] Ran a mile

65. [] Went to the beach

66. [] Stayed single

CURRENTLY:

67. Eating: Watermelon gum (does that count as something to eat??)

68. Drinking: Nothing

69. Getting ready to: Relax and sit on my ass

70. Listening to: Idle Town - Conan Gray

71. Plans for tomorrow/today: Did all my errands today, tomorrow I’m going out with my dad to do some thrift shopping

72. Waiting for: Dinner tbh I’m having chicken nuggets

YOUR FUTURE:

73. Want kids: Perhaps, although childbirth truly scares me. I’d rather foster kids or open a home for teens who have been kicked out.

74. Want to get married: I’d like to, just gotta get over my issues relating to commitment teehee :D

75. Careers in mind: Photographer, Voice Actor

WHICH IS BETTER ON A PERSON/PARTNER:

76. Lips or eyes: Eyes

77. Shorter or taller: Taller. I don’t have much choice, everyone is taller than me

78. Romantic or spontaneous: A nice mix of both. I’m a hopeless romantic, but some of my best memories are from spontaneous events :D

79. Nice stomach or nice arms: A R M S !!

80. Sensitive or loud: Both! 

81. Hook-up or relationship: Once I’m older, a relationship! I am intrigued by hook-up culture though, I feel like that resonates with how I feel right now in life.

82. Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker. C’mon mate let’s make some fun memories!

HAVE YOU EVER:

83. Lost glasses/contacts: Never had either

84. Ran away from home: Nope, thought about it though

85. Held a weapon for self defense: I have one, but luckily I’ve never had to use it

86. Killed somebody: ...depends who’s asking (jokes, I haven’t)

87. Broken someone’s heart: Yeah, it fucking sucks

88. Been arrested: Nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

90. Miracles: I do sometimes.

91. Yourself: Only in certain things, I believe that I deserve more than what I have been dealt in the past, but I don’t believe in my dreams :/

92. Love at first sight: Oh fuck yeah. There’s something magical about looking across the room, seeing someone and just instantly feeling this pull towards them.

93. Heaven: I wouldn’t call it a ’heaven’ in the traditional sense, more that there must be more to the universe than this life. There has to be something beyond ourselves.

94. Santa Claus: Nope

95. Easter Bunny: Nope

96. Magic: I believe magic exists in simple ways, maybe you’ve never broken a bone or you can make the perfect cup of tea. 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY

97. Is there one person you want to be with, right now: My friends, they’re all going through a tough time at school and I wish I could help them.

98. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life: I am content, haven’t quite reached happiness yet but we’re getting there :))

99. Are you happy with the person you’re with: Single so....

100. Post as 100 truths and tag 5 people: @darling-clemmy @everlastinqg @freckledpianoman @cassierage @stay--jazzy <3 <3 <3

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 7 - ANA - Pandemonium at the Pond

The Anaheim Ducks have actually had a pretty good start after being ass bad most of last year like the Sabres. Counterpoint: Fuck the Ducks! Like most Western Conference teams who really has strong feelings about Anaheim? Unless you have some personal vendetta or a weird anger for the Stanley Cup Final that never happened in 2007 you probably don’t feel anything strongly about this tacky California Club. Last night we were all given a reason to hate these mother fuckers! We’re all just happy to get some weird kinky tweets out of our draft bin for #SabresAfterDark and y’all dirty old shits decide to brain dudes on the boards! What the fuck!? Are we having some kind of whose-actually-for-real pissing match here? You guys decided to jump right into my Top Ten shit list with this second period. I had to work at 8am this morning! Do you think I’m staying up for the third period anyway? Of course not! But with the hate flowing threw my veins like a blue and gold hulk I actually wanted to! With how this game went I looked up the other game against the Ducks later this season: it’s the Sunday afternoon of February 9th. Even if this team is circling the drain per usual by that point I want a fucking revenge game akin to the Andrew Peters versus the Ottawa Senators! I hope we send them home with their little stubby Duck tails between their legs! You SoCal goons sell your shit real good: you watch a game like that and the stupid, monkey part of the brain tells you to goon up as an organization. That Old Time Hockey don’t work no more and Teemu Selanne is the only reason you won a Cup! Eat shit! Luckily Linus Ullmark putting a couple haymakers on Nick Richie’s smarmy face allowed me to turn this one off and go to sleep at a near-decent time. *deep breaths* Okay, you’re probably reading this sober during daylight hours so how about we talk about this game: Pandemonium at the Pond Part One.

I don’t know where to begin with this game. Buffalo had a great first period almost to the very end. Jack Eichel opened the scoring with an absolute magic touch. Our hunky Captain (#SabresAfterDark) got the puck in the neutral zone and went in unassisted. He took three, maybe four strides in a hook route right up and around John Gibson. He tapped it in around Gibson after he split and fell on his face. 1-0 Sabres and let me be very clear, the Ducks had no response for the majority of the first period. Buffalo could have scored two or three more goals than they did before Anaheim even got a shot off in either of the powerplay opportunities this period. We dominated every statistical category for fifteen to eighteen minutes. This team I hardly recognize called the Buffalo Sabres was knocking forwards off their lines on penalty kills. John Vogl said he didn’t know if he saw that kind of drive all last season! This team is now able to pass the puck. I believe the term I’m trying to get at here is puck support. This team can now get possession, transfer that possession between zones and through several passes, and then setup a firing squad in the offensive zone. This first period was a textbook example of this and it’s paying dividends. This new puck support offense is then near fatal on the powerplay. The powerplay was running at 42% going into this game. That’s record levels for the league, and it is bound to regress, but I don’t see why the Sabres can’t stay a top five PP with the units they have running it and our very own Mr. Powerplay Victor Olofsson! Olofsson continued to extend his lead on the record for first goals of one’s career scored on the powerplay with eight after Adam Henrique went to the box for holding Jack Eichel. The mess in front of the Anaheim net went on for what felt like a little while before the puck squirt out (#SabresAfterDark) and Olofsson one timed it to put his team up 2-0. The Randy Carlyle Era is over in Anaheim and though John Gibson will still be left out to dry many games by his defense, Dallas Eakins is not a Coach to let his team lay down and die. Adam Henrique redirects a shot that originated with Josh Manson and Linus Ullmark had no chance of stopping it. 2-1 at the first intermission.

Anaheim’s first goal was a redirect so there’s only so much you can do. Rasmus Dahlin was the defender on Henrique and he didn’t do all he could to force him out. This was one of Dahlin’s worst games as a Sabre. There were several instances this game him and a couple other D-men looked static. Sidebar: Dahlin can screw up all he wants, and you don’t bench him. Did you read that clearly Ralph? I love what you’re doing so far but you can’t bench number 26. That is not an acceptable decision. Good talk. Krueger was open in postgame about where this game really took a turn. Rickard Rakell fired home an equalizer and for the first time this season the Sabres challenged the goal for offsides. It was clearly offsides, pretty obviously even without the replay.  Another sidebar: even when we win it, I could do without offsides challenges stalling out games. Krueger said it: that review broke the momentum Buffalo had even after conceding that first Ducks goal. Hopefully as this club grows it can move beyond relying on momentum to making their own luck but hey, let’s savor what we got going here while we still got it. Moments, and I mean MOMENTS after his goal was called back Rakell, he did a Jack Eichel impression and out maneuvered Ullmark to actually equalize it this time. From here on out the game turned into a real 1970s-style shit show (#SabresAfterDark). It’s time to punch faces, boys and girls! This must be what I hear about when people say the Ducks are hard to play against. It’s not 2007 anymore so it’s not because they’re good at ice hockey! Evidently they’re good at bareknuckle boxing!

I counted at least three fights involving more than two combatants. I damn near threw something at my TV when Carter Rowney came in on Victor Olofsson corralling a puck in the corner and absolutely brained him into the boards. That caused an immediate response from Sam Reinhart and the Sabres; the kind of response a shit team like the Ducks baits you into. A response that is disappearing from the game and should be outright banned. At least two pairs of gloves hit the ice and prairie-ass white dudes galore went at it for the Canadian Dream: stopping being polite for a minute to get into a physical altercation. After that fight there were four major penalties passed out and the two clubs played 4-on-4 for a bit before Rakell shows up again to brain Rasmus Dahlin into the boards at center ice. Dirty as fuck (#SabresAfterDark). Guess who got called for a penalty: Dahlin for putting his HAND ON THE PUCK! Whether or not he did that is beside the point: he’s laying on the ice squirming around because he just got BOARDED! What in the name of Hockey Butts is that!? I am only going to say this once because complaining about the zebras is super-played out and it makes you sound like a sore loser: the refereeing is bad in this league, really bad. Swallow that whistle or blow it (#SabresAfterDark). You know it’s #SabresAfterDark because I felt like I was getting personally fucked by these refs like they had to preserve the Ducks brand or something. Piss off! Ryan Getzlaf capitalized on the Ducks’ stupid powerplay because of course he did, but before they even went up 3-2 Marcus Johansson got hauled down in the defensive zone. No call. At one point the MSG broadcast is about to go commercial, like the outro is rolling and the camera catches Vladimir Sobotka bleeding and Marco Scandella getting hauled off of resident Ducks douche bag Nick Richie only to see Linus Ullmark come out of the net and start pounding him. They came back from commercial and everyone is standing around as penalties assessed. Universal good guy and all-around awesome, gentle daddy Linus Ullmark is fighting!? The Sabres had a brief powerplay though Jimmy Vesey served a penalty to Ullmark and the whole affair was glazed over by officiating. Why did Vladdy bleed? I don’t know and frankly I was so pissed by this point in the second period that when Adam Henrique scored again in the dying seconds of the middle frame to put the home team up 4-2 I just threw my hands up and said bedtime.

Evidently that was a good choice; not just for the sake of my shift this morning but for the sake of resetting on this Sabres team. There was an empty net goal and Anaheim won this one 5-2. The Sabres were going to get that regulation loss sooner or later and apart from being absolutely jobbed by the refs and a Ducks team leaning on MMA when the going gets tough, they looked strong in this game. All told they outshot Anaheim and broke down only after being forced to breakdown. They’ll be okay. My next benchmark for this team is not only can they maintain motivated, puck supporting, “together” hockey, but can they bounce back? Not just tonight up the road against the Kings, can they bounce back within games like they did against Montreal and Florida with some consistency? That’s part of what makes good teams good teams. Are they good now? I think its still too early to tell because consist compete is what makes you good and that’s still spotty. Fuck the Ducks. Casey Mittelstadt had a good game and nobody will remember it because of Ryan Getzlaf. Evan Rodrigues on the other hand has been rough in his return for the injured Conor Sheary. Unfortunately he may have blown his chance. Curtis Lazar got called up and don’t be surprise if and when the Hamburgler’s Knight gets the start over ERod. Since I’m writing this postgame the next day that earns you New Look Sabres reply guy tweet of the game. I made a #SabresAfterDark joke involving Jack Eichel’s domination and @theboonarmies (B Chalk-outline) replied with “Eichel brought his Dom boots to Anaheim.” I know that’s not really analysis, but I thought why not stick with the theme after this Pandemonium at the Pond?

Like this blog, share it with a friend and comment because even though I’ll certainly be writing another day-after postgame after tonight’s LA game your reply could be the next New Look Sabres reply guy tweet of the game. I’m reasonably confident the Sabres can powerbomb the Kings from lower earth orbit tonight like a crappy COD Black Ops sequel. I know that sounds like vain pride given this team’s history but if Vancouver can hang 8-2 on this shell of a franchise then why can’t the other 1970 expansion team? Their celebrating the 20th anniversary of Staples Center tonight. If they’re going to parade around their banners from a half decade ago I’d love to crash that party. I really do want to see a Home opener style rout and I don’t see why not. In spite of how it ended with Anaheim you got to believe they have it in them to beat this Kings team. Until tonight for another #SabresAfterDark, Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for Reading.

P.S. Taylor Hall is never going to be a Sabre but just the fact that in a Post-Skinner world Sabres fans can realistically dream that dream is pretty amazing.

[cringeater]

imagine if she was on something...

Having just turned 50, I decided to reflect on my life.

Why am I unemployed. Why do none of my old friends speak to me?

Why do I get angry at people for the slightest misstep that I perceive to be an attack against me?

Why have I been unable to hold onto any relationship whether it is romantic or platonic.

Why do I constantly feel attacked and insulted when there is no real attack or insult.

Why do I feel superior to everyone on the planet one moment and then start bawling because I feel like a worthless piece of shit, horrible person the next.

Why do I dwell for weeks on something that happened 30 years ago? Why do I beat myself up over something I did as a kid? Why do I beat myself up over nearly everything I do or say?

Why does someone bumping into me at the grocery store and not apologizing send me into a suicidal frenzy? A frenzy of self-loathing and tears and dread and believing that I have nothing but bad luck and that the universe must hate me.

I chain smoke and talk to myself while I plan my own demise. How dare someone give me a dirty look. How dare someone question my Twitter post. How dare someone not value my opinion.

So, I asked some acquaintances what they liked and disliked about me so I could, hopefully, change.

Their answers were not kind. They weren’t mean, but something about what they said shocked me because I never really viewed myself as what they described. I often view myself as better than most. Nicer than most. More polite than most. A better friend than most. Turns out, I’m none of that. I’m just a narcissist who overreacts to just about everything in (mostly) silent self-deprecation. Let me backtrack to the early 70s. I’m around 5 or 6. I’m across the street at my best friends apartment. We lived in Navy Housing. I run back to my house to grab something and run back, only I can’t remember what apartment she lives in. I’d been there 100 times, but I couldn’t remember. By the way, I have an enormous dent in the back of my skull that no one would tell me about. Anyway, I can’t remember what apartment, so I just start opening random doors. A large naked man saw me, laughed and invited me in. I panic, run out of the building, into my room and crawl under the covers where I stayed for days. I didn’t eat and spoke to no one. In fact, I was so mortified that I never saw my best friend, again. Seriously. And that’s how my brain has worked ever since. 

The internet gave me the chance to whine to everyone. Any chance I got, I’d whine about my terrible life. My lack of friends. My lack of romance. How no one liked me because I was ugly. I valued myself based on my looks. No one is ever attracted to me. I’m too ugly to live. I should just kill myself and put everyone out of their misery by having me gone.

I drank. A lot. It either soothed me or heightened my insecurities like waking up to a flashlight in my face.

I’ve been told to seek therapy thousands of times, even by my employer, but was either too embarrassed or assumed that I knew better than any doctor. I am, after all, smarter than everyone…until I remember that I’m actually dumber than everyone. I wish that I had kept a journal. However, I’m pretty sure that it would just be a lot of nonsensical writings blaming everyone and everything for my behavior. Someone was mean to me. Someone didn’t appreciate all of the things I did for them. Someone thought I was ugly and fat. Someone didn’t like my hair. Someone molested me. Someone didn’t love me. Someone didn’t pay attention to me. Someone lied to me. Someone avoided me. Now I’m in the introspection phase. I’m trying to put my behavior and lack of motivation together like a massive jigsaw puzzle. Want to come with me? Put your seatbelt on. Better grab a crash helmet, too, because this may get bumpy.

So, in 2013 I had reached the tipping point of being miserable at work. I was a radio personality at a very popular radio station in southern California. I had worked there since 1989. My original goal was to be a DJ, but took any job I was offered just to keep my foot in the door. I started out answering phones for the jocks. I…I’m having trouble describing myself at this time because I was young and don’t know if I was just reckless or knee-deep into a mental disorder. In any event, I was hard-working, yet lazy. I chatted with listeners more than I worked. I was threatened with being fired weekly, but for some reason, never was. My behavior would change for a few days and when things cooled down, I’d go right back to doing what I was told not to. I assumed that I was so beloved, that I’d go far in no time. That didn’t happen. Around this time, I started drinking. I’d take a sippy cup full of King Cobra in the car with me to drink on the way to work or school. Eventually, I was kicked out of college for lack of attendance and poor grades and that just confirmed that I was stupid. I would take a break from school, make up an excuse, petition and be allowed to re-enroll. This happened over and over. I’d make friends, have sex with most of them and never speak to them again. I’d fall in love. I’d fall out of love after they’d do something insignificant that annoyed me. I struggled financially. I went to my parents for money constantly. I stole money from my parents. I’ve never done drugs, only smoked pot a few times but drank a ton of beer I needed it to survive. I was outrageously promiscuous. Always looking for someone to love me, even if it was only for a few hours. When they didn’t love me back, they were banished from my life. I was like this for decades. I could go into story after story and example after example of my lazy, destructive, self-loathing, whiny behavior but it will just trigger me and if you are relating to anything I’m writing, it may trigger you, too. Let’s just avoid that for now. I will add, however, that I chose friends who talked down to me. Who talked shit about me to our peers. Who paid attention to me in negative, judgmental ways. I hated my friends but begged them to like me. I would make friends who were truly nice to me and end up hating them over some minor infraction like using my hairbrush or playfully making fun of me. Nerves were always touched, or should I say torched. I’d plan to kill myself only AFTER I did something to make them regret hurting me. I’ll show them. I’ll show all of them, right? When I was younger, I’d keep my anger and bitterness internalized. When I started drinking, it came out for the world to see. When I got older, I’d internalize it again and when social media became popular, I’d write it for the world to see. Every gripe. Every perceived slight. Every comment was an insult. Every suggestion was a jab at me. Every joke was really an opinion of my faults. See how my brain works? I always assumed I had raging PMS even though my self-loathing and anger was constant. Then, I thought I had raging ADD, which may or may not be true, but probably not the cause of my suicidal tendencies.

After I became a parent, I was so afraid of fucking my kid up that I drank more thinking it would help. Obviously, it made things a gazillion times worse. I was a functioning alcoholic. I was drunk nearly all day, every day. I hid it. At least, I assumed I did. I was an awful human being, so I doubt I hid it well. Here’s the thing, though. I thought I was funny. I was named Class Clown in high school. People at the radio station seemed to like me. The listeners liked me. I got good ratings. Everyone loved me. I think. I became obsessed with sex. I watched porn at work constantly. I got in trouble at work constantly. I eventually became a DJ after 12 years. I slept with anyone who asked. I came to work drunk and left even drunker. I had sex at work, after work before work. I was a terrible mother. Not abusive, but only thought of myself. Everything was an inconvenience to me. I divorced. I slept around more. I liked unavailable men. I hated everyone. I loathed myself. I resented everyone. I was constantly struggling financially. I never felt in control of anything. Not my surroundings, not my brain, not my body, not my career, not my choices. I always felt as if I was being pulled by someone else’s strings, but nobody was there except me. I used to fly off the handle over the smallest incidents. I mean teeny. My poor kid. The shit he had to go through watching me lose my fucking mind over dead batteries in the remote. Jesus Christ if I could go back in time. I assumed my outbursts were because of my drinking. Then I assumed they were because I was a failure at everything and feeling sorry for myself. Then, after 26 years, I finally got fired. Oh. My. God. Wanna talk about a trigger? Thing is. I quit drinking. I quit cold turkey. A few years earlier, three family members died months apart so I was still dealing with packing up their house and I just didn’t have time to drink. No time for hangovers. I also decided to alienate myself from EVERYONE. I didn’t have a job, I was worthless. I lost my only sense of identity. Being that girl on the radio. Turns out that those who no longer HAD to talk to me, didn’t. I lost all of my ‘friends’ and that’s something that pissed me off immensely up until a few days ago. I harbored resentment for YEARS. So, I get fired. Get my real estate license for CA, realize that I’m terrible at math and have horrific dyslexia and decided to LEAVE CA and move to Colorado to live with my mother who I hadn’t seen in 10 years.  There’s so much that happens in between this but honestly, my brain is going 5,000 mph so I’ll have to come back to it later. I mean, up until a few hours ago, I thought I was the nicest person on earth. I never kill bugs, I put them outside. I feed stray cats. I picked dead animals up in the rod and pay for their cremation. I pull furniture out of the road so cars don’t run over it. But maybe I’m not nice. Maybe I’m just seeking validation. Maybe I just wrote that so you’d think I was amazing. Yes, I had an unloving mother (still do) who either ignored me completely or verbally abused me. When I told her that a close family member was sexually abusing me, she became furious with me and said that she’d speak to him about it. Nothing ever changed. I digress. I moved to Colorado and have made no friends, cannot find work and am broker than a mother fucker. I take surveys for spending money. I have a car that has a broken computer and am unmotivated to do anything but whine and cry and contemplate suicide. None of my former colleges speak to me. They claim to be afraid of my wrath. Although, I must admit that there were times that I loved being intimidating. I loved that people were afraid of me. Maybe because I was bullied severely in junior high. I don’t know. So, like I said…and I’m sorry that this is all over the place…I decided to figure out what my major malfunction really was rather than blame everyone else for my woes. I started watching tarot videos and they were all on point (there were a few times in my life that I believed I was a sorcerer and could control everything though magic, but that’s for another time). These videos were mostly ‘pick a card’ or Virgo specific and they were all nail on head. One video would lead me to another, to another, and so on. Then, I started watching videos about having an unloving, neglectful mother. Then I started looking up how to commit suicide. Then I started looking up videos on how to change my personality. Then, I had a meltdown. I was waiting to make a left turn when I noticed the older female driver behind me waving her arms and screaming (presumably at me). I have a Jeep and it’s hard for a car to see what I see. As I waited for the two cars in front of me to turn so I could make mine, I couldn’t stop watching her flipping me off and flailing about in frustration over my lack of movement and it triggered me HARD. I came home and cried and planned my suicide and cried some more and begged God to kill me over this stranger who was in the wrong lane, freaking out over me abiding by traffic laws. Then I dawned on me that there may be something going on in my brain that is making me behave like this. This constant all or nothing overreaction. The, either you love me or you hate my guts thing. The anxiety, the depression, the whining, the negativity, the self-loathing, the hatred of every living person on the planet. I’ve even hated my own kid for weeks because he said something to me that hurt my feelings. Can you imagine? He’s 25 and still lives with me, but that’s also another story. Just like the fact I live with my narcissistic, unloving mother who makes me want to slit my throat. All for another time.  I was so exhausted living in my own world of believing that everything inconvenient that happens to me is bad luck. Someone didn’t smile at me, bad luck I’d better burn the shirt I’m wearing. Do I sound crazy? Yes. Do I know what to do about it having zero income? No. Going back to my mother for a second, she just triggered me. I’m trying to self-soothe as I type this. She does this thing where if she needs help or wants me to do something for her, she screams. Like, a scream you’d make when you catch someone breaking into your car. Screams. So, I always end up running downstairs only to discover that she dropped something or her TV remote doesn’t work. She refers to me as, ‘someone’ and ‘anyone’. Never by my name. Waiting for my heart stop racing…you’d think I’d be used to this. Her behavior is my biggest trigger. I had a boss who reminded me of her. A boss who actually called me a cunt once for posting on my Facebook that ‘d be better off dead. Called me a cunt. To my face. For everyone to hear. Now, I’m glad she fired me. How much more of THAT could I have taken? Oh, wait. I’m still taking it, but this time I’m not getting paid. My goal is to get out of here and never return. 

I’m going to assume that I’m mentally ill. I haven’t been in a relationship since 2007. I haven’t had sex since 2011 because I’m afraid ghosts are watching me. I haven’t had a drink since 2014 and I haven’t had a face to face conversation with another human being since 2015. What has happened to me? Am I mentally ill? It has to be more than depression. It has to be more than bipolar. Nothing brings me joy. I’m paranoid. I used to be fun and creative and now I hate myself even more than ever, yet I admire myself. I want to die yet I want to see if something good will happen. I want to be loved yet I don’t want to go through the trouble. I’m not hungry yet I’ll eat junk food until I can’t put on my pants. I can’t even masturbate because I feel like it’s going to bring me bad luck. The thing is, I am fully aware of how insane this sounds. I’m aware that this is not normal, I just can’t stop myself. I’ve learned to hold in my verbal abuse because I avoid confrontation like the plague now. I’ve always kind of avoided it, but booze made it easier. Now, I’ll apologize for things I’m not even sorry for. Things I didn’t even do wrong just to avoid ANY conflict. I’m even avoiding social media. Some girl came after me on NextDoor last week and I actually put a hose in my tailpipe. Over some stranger. On fucking NextDoor. The blessing is that no one will ever read this. No one likes me and no one reads my blogs and fuck if I’m going to advertise this. I need help. I believe if I can fix whatever is going on in my brain, I can function like a 50-year-old adult, find work, maybe even love and live adequately ever after. I guess you’re going to judge me, now. It will trigger me and I’ll cry and probably try to kill myself, but you’ll think I’m looking for sympathy or being melodramatic. I’m not looking for sympathy for the devil, just a little tenderness. Yes, I realize that this looks like just a massive blog of bitching, moaning and complaining but I’m trying to show how my mind works, not whine. Well, whine a little. It’s really all I’ve got right now.

Until my next manic meltdown…

[deconstruct-e-v-o-l-v-e]

the spaces between us.

I'm sure you've seen the experiment where matches are lined up next to each other and when the first one is lit, it's a cascading effect of passing the flame and they all set alight without much trying or trouble. It just happens. The second step in this experiment is when you take one match out of the line up. The flame will stay alive as it jumps from match to match, but, as soon as it reaches the gap left by the missing match, it dies out.

This came down on us like a thief in the night. It was unexpected. Here's the catch: it wasn't. The alarms have been going off for a while, and the dogs were barking outside and we just ignored it - it's nothing, right? Just the wind, maybe? The weather gets bad sometimes. Maybe it's just me imagining things - I've been really tired. I tried to wait it out, nothing happened. I tried to shh the dogs and go back to sleep. It didn't work. When I finally worked up the courage to go outside, I feel like you woke up as well, but instead of walking in the dark with me, because you know I'm scared, you stayed in bed, went back to sleep because you are tired as well and it's really important to you that you get enough sleep. But deep down you knew something was wrong, you decided to let me walk alone. This way you didn't have to do much, worry or be scared, or possibly be attacked, hit, hurt, or killed walking outside not really knowing what or who waits. You just said: "Here, take this," and handed me a sword-like weapon that looked all crusty, dusty and old - not really fit for modern battles.

It's probably a good time to start talking about the big issue we as a couple as currently facing, and to stop trying to put it off by using metaphors... I'm going to try my best to put how I feel in words, but I feel the best way you're going to understand what I see and feel is if I read you the sources. The focus will be mainly on purity culture, the harm it brings, a few reasons why it's horse shit and doesn't deserve any support in the modern day and how I'm feeling right now. I'm not going to talk about my spiritual journey, but I'll make notes on that and after we have one thing out of the way, we can talk about the church trauma and all things deconstructing - perhaps Q & A style. Sorry that I'll probably cry a few times - I love you so much, I'm overwhelmed, I'm really really scared and I don't know what to expect. I might not even cry that much, or at all - this is me feeling so much to the point where I'd rather feel numb than to make myself feel and look like a fool. This is me exhausted, but still fighting for you, but exhausted. I'm sorry that this may take quite some time, but I want you to know how much I'm begging you to understand me. I feel that you are not you any more, and I wish I could say that as a compliment, but I'm done watching you slip away from us and into the gripping hands of my abuser.

-> 3 online articles

-> tumblr summary

-> insta posts (?)

-> notepad

I that describes my logic and thinking behind the stance I'm taking in the best way possible. Now, some things to add in my own words in bullet point form:

-> You say you don't want to get married soon. We spoke about this quite a few times and we agreed on the fact that we both want some stability in our lives, ie incomes and such, we wanted for me to graduate with one degree at least first, we wanted to kind of have a clearer picture of the in's and out's of our life (like where we work, live, etc) and we wanted to grow closer together before saying "I do." We agreed that it's best to wait a bit, maybe a couple years, 2 or 3, figure things out, you know. But recently it felt like every time I jokingly talk about our wedding, or honeymoon, or the guest list and destination, or even if it's not a joke, if I show you pictures of dresses and rings I like with the intend of seeing your reaction and being excited and to dream with you, you're just...kind off...bland. Blank. Just "ja" and fill the air with awkward silence, which NEVER used to EVER happen between us, remember? I feel like you stopped dreaming with me. This makes me feel like you may not want to get married to me anymore, that you're unsure about our future together, that there's something you're just not telling me.

So you say you don't want to marry soon, like next week, sure, I can agree with that although I always wanted to get married at 23/24, have kids at 26/27, have them grow up to be at an age where they'll understand when Mommy will be gone for 3/4 months because she's going to walk on the Moon or go look at the stars while flying around Earth in an awesome space suit before I commit to the next stage of my career before it's too late. But we reasoned it out and agree with waiting, it makes the most sense.

-> Then you say you don't want to have sex before getting married. The last time we spoke, you were scared of judgement from the Lord, if I remember correctly. The Bible mentions "sexual relationship before marriage/ not between man and his wife" - do we not have a sexual relationship? We do. And you said you're more than happy with what we do, you don't feel uncomfortable, you don't see anything wrong with it, it's just the sex part... Eh? Okayyy? Recall the tons of articles to know how I feel about this whole purity culture thing.

But now, you expect me to wait and be patient until we are ready to write our vows (hopefully not on a private tumblr post at 1am in the morning like I am now, lol). I'm giving us time for that. But then you also expect we to wait until then to take the next natural step in our relationship? It's something we both been wanting to do for a while now, we're both adults, we're committed to each other, so uh...yeah.

It is extremely unfair to have left me in the dark, not telling me THE MOMENT you started having second thoughts. I am fucking devastated. How can you think that that is okay to do? Did you even think about me at all? I think I expressed myself over text pretty well so I won't repeat it here.

Just asking me to wait... eh I don't know how long? 1 year? 2? 5? 7? I just want to you think for a moment how that must make me feel, knowing how much I hate uncertainties (to this extent). Don't you agree it's really fucking cruel?

-> Some practicalities I want you to know about, that you might not have considered: On our wedding night, I want to celebrate us, to go to bed together and being like "Holy shit! We did that!", maybe we'll fall asleep in dress & suit and all because of how tired we are, even. I don't want it to be stressful and nerve wrecking. I don't want us to only try and figure out what we're doing with our bodies and it being kinda shit and then that being the vivid memory that will stick with us for the rest of our lives. I want us to know how we physically fit together, how we move together in a way that has become so normal to us, that we don't have to panic about how to this and where to do what, so we are just in that moment, together, as Mr and his Mrs Akkerman. We'll remember that, the excitement of the first time as a married couple (geez, look at us adulting! Suck it, world!). We'll remember how comfortable we were with each other and our selves. We'll remember how we'd already have the tricks, the nooks, the nitty gritty figured out and just...be.

I don't want to be hiding because maybe I didn't wax or shave or maybe someone looked at me funny and now I don't want you to touch or see my tummy or my neck or any other part of me because I'm scared you won't love it - you'll just have to like it because now I'm your wife.

I don't want to be in pain. I don't want to feel sore for maybe days after and that being the thing I think about all day as I have to manoeuvre around instead of just taking in every moment of pure bliss, no matter what we're up to or where we're exploring. I don't want to feel ripped open and maybe lay there and bleed and feel discomfort. I don't want to not do it for a while after that because it hurts and we would want to do it again and a lot because we've had to wait so damn long. I don't want it to maybe last 2 minutes, and be disappointed, you know? And then remember that about our wedding night. Don't tell me it's okay, it will be fine. No. I'm telling you, I'm not comfortable with any of that. Not even the idea of it.

-> I don't want us getting married being rushed by lust. I'm not saying it will definitely happen, but I don't want that to even play a role in when we eventually get married, not even a teeny tiny bit. I don't want want people to look at us and say that we're getting married only because we just can't wait anymore. You and I both know I normally don't give two shits about who gives their two cheap cents about me, but this is questioning our integrity as a couple. And I ain't with that.

About that specifically and faith in general: I feel like I'm being thrown around in this relationship, and that I'm expected to just be alright with it because the claim always seems to be from only a religious stand point. So how can I go against something so important to you? To this point I was okay to ruin myself, rather. I'm done with that. I don't feel heard. I also don't feel understood. I feel that my beliefs, because they are different, are looked down on, and seen as wrong, and just me "not knowing xyz about having a companionship with Christ." I've been feeling like an outreach project, not a life partner. We've agreed to take our own spiritual paths for now, but respecting one another in the mean time before we will naturally cross paths will be crucial although not enough. I believe, by talking about the differences in our beliefs, experiences, opinions, hurt, trauma, questions, answers, methods, that we will gain understanding, and we will learn from each other and we will change to accommodate each other's beliefs, because we want us to work, right? We will talk about this more in detail but I have a really good feeling about this going forward. I feel like I'm finally busy with something that works for me, that's sustainable and that makes sense. The ball is rolling and I'm already so excited to learn and live and love and to feel free. For the first time in a long time, I want to work on this every day. Actively seeking truths. Growth. This is not something I want to put off anymore. But, this will take a lot of time! We will have differences for the rest of our lives. And I think that's beautiful. Forever seeking, learning, wondering, questioning, helping and loving.

The immediate next step(s) for us as a couple are very clear: sex, physically, and getting married. You're not okay with either, so where does this leave me?

I think I want to finish this off by saying that having sex is no longer a mere decision between you and God. A promise or vow, if you will. No longer a spiritual decision YOU make, and that really I'm forced to make, by accepting that this is just how it is. This is turning into emotional pain. A lot. Heart break. A whole lot. Uncertainty about us. Loads. Stress, anxiety, frustration, anger, feeling abandoned and feeling like your second best. Not a high enough priority. I feel not good enough for you, not pure enough, not kind enough, not forgiving enough, not submissive enough, not smart enough, not loving enough, not religious enough, not intelligent enough, not beautiful enough for you. Just not enough, for you. For what you want and what you need and what you deserve. And this breaks me into so many little pieces. In the past it's gotten so bad that I would almost literally do anything just to get your attention. From complaining about a tummy ache or work way too many times to, unfortunately, more extreme things like not eating for extended amounts of times. To see if you'll notice if I get skinnier or look pale or have fatigue or just...anything. I need to be your love and feel like your love, again.

I miss the nicknames, the stupid little twirly thing I sometimes did when we're walking hand in hand. I miss when you used to play with my hair (even though I had to ask) and when you used to smell my hair and being like "sssssmmm, ah". I miss the little looks we exchanged, sometimes without the other noticing, but sometimes our eyes met and in that moment we'd just...be. I miss the cuddles, I miss dreaming together, but above anything else. I miss us. You.

I'm so sorry for not being a good listener, a good supporter. I'm sorry for making you angry, frustrated and irritated so much. I'm sorry for putting you in difficult situations. I'm sorry for the lack of compassion and understanding. I'm sorry for all my baggage you have to deal with as well because it gets too heavy for me to drag sometimes. I'm sorry for making your life so difficult and your thoughts so complicated. I'm sorry for not creating a space for you to feel safe and comfortable in so share your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry for overreacting. I'm sorry for being so demanding. For caring too much, too deeply. Being jealous. Being scared. Having trust issues and so many insecurities. I'm sorry for making it hard to be patient, and kind. I'm sorry for all the times I made you feel not good enough, or that you're not trying hard enough, or that you're too this and too that and that you're always wrong and can't do anything right. The truth is that you are so much more than I deserve. I appreciate that you're there for me when I'm not even there for myself sometimes. I appreciate your goodnight messages and little touches. I appreciate your prayers. I appreciate that you still put in effort to spend some time with me, to be around me, because to me I'm someone I don't want around. I appreciate you sticking around and not giving up on me.

I'm sorry for holding you back.

I'm sorry that I'm making it really difficult to love me.

I'm sorry that I am really difficult to love.

I hope for, dream about and wish upon things quite often, sometimes even several times a day, however, I don't pray a lot. I don't know how to and I don't think I'm doing it right. But I pray that somehow you will still find it in your heart to continue to love me.

If we continue to make and live with spaces between us, our "twin flame" will die out when it can't ignite the spark between us anymore due to the voids we created - just like with fire matches. And just like the fire matches, we need to meet on the same level in order for us to keep the "fire" between us going. I always liked to play with fire (literally), so fight will I damn fight for my twin flame.

All the love,

Me. <3

Breathe!

[kdkathryn]

before sunrise and psychology

attempting to fit some of jesse and celine’s conversations from before sunrise into arthur aron’s question set for accelerating intimacy between 2 strangers. (remember how someone tried this out in real life, and wrote about it in the new york times?). i’ve put in some quotes that don’t don’t directly answer the prompts, but i think they hit at the heart of them anyway. before sunset version to follow eventually, hopefully.

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? Celine: I think I'm afraid of death 24 hours a day. I swear. I mean, that's why I'm in a train right now. I could have flown to Paris, but I'm too scared...When I'm in a plane, I can see it. I can see the explosion. I can see me falling through the clouds, and I'm so scared of those few seconds of consciousness before you're gonna die.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Celine: But you know what, if your parents never really fully contradict you about anything, and like are basically nice, and supportive, it makes it even harder to officially complain. You know, even when they're wrong, it's this, it's this passive-aggressive shit, you know what I mean, it's...I hate it, I really hate it.

Jesse: Well, you know, despite all that kind of bullshit that comes along with it, I remember childhood as this, you know, this magical time.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. Celine: You know, my parents never really spoke about the possibility of my falling in love, or getting married, or having children. Even as a little girl, they wanted me to think of a future career, as an interior designer or a lawyer or something. I’d say to my dad, “I want to be a writer,” and he’d say, “journalist.” I’d say I wanted to have a refuge for stray cats, and he’d say, “veterinarian.” I’d say I wanted to be an actress, and he’d say, “TV newscaster.” It was this constant conversion of my fanciful ambition into these practical, money-making ventures.

Jesse: I always had a pretty good bullshit detector when I was a kid. I always knew when they were lying to me, you know. By the time I was in high school, I was dead set on listening to what everybody thought I should be doing with my life, and just kind of doing just the opposite.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory? Jesse: My great-grandmother had just died, and my whole family had just visited them in Florida. I was about 3, 3 and a half years old. Anyway, I was in the backyard, playing, and my sister had just taught me how to take the garden hose, and do it in such a way that you could spray it into the sun, and you could make a rainbow. And so I was doing that, and through the mist I could see my grandmother. And she was just standing there, smiling at me. And then I held it there, for a long time, and I looked at her. And then finally, I let go of the nozzle, you know, and then I dropped the hose, and she disappeared. And so I went back inside, and I tell my parents, you know. And they sit me down give me big rap on how when people die you never see them again, and how I'd imagined it. But I knew what I'd seen. And I was just glad that I saw that.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? Celine: Everything is so finite. Jesse: But don’t you think that’s what makes our time and specific moments so important?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? Celine: I think I can really fall in love when I know everything about someone. The way he’s going to part his hair, which shirt he’s going to wear that day, knowing the exact story he’d tell in a given situation.

Jesse: Love is a complex issue...I mean, yes, I had told somebody that I love them before, and I had meant it. Was it totally a totally unselfish, giving love? Was it a beautiful thing? Not really, you know.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. imaginary telephone conversation:

Céline: He has beautiful blue eyes, nice big lips, greasy hair, I love it. He's kind of tall, and a little clumsy. I like to feel his eyes on me when I look away. He kind of kisses like an adolescent, its so cute. Yeah, we kissed. It was so adorable. As the night went on, I began to like him more and more.

Jesse: You know how they say we're all each others' demons and angels? Well, she was literally a Botticelli angel. Just telling me that everything was gonna be okay...She was sitting next to this very weird couple who started fighting so she had to move. She sat right across the aisle from me. So we started to talk, and she didn't like me much at first. She's super smart, very passionate, um... and beautiful. And I was so unsure of myself. I thought everything I said sounded so stupid.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? Celine: I really can't complain about anything. You know, [my parents] love me more than anything in the world, and I have been raised with all the freedom they had fought for. And yet for me now, it's another type of fight. We still have to deal with the same old shit, but we can't really know who, or you know, what the enemy is.

Jesse: Everybody’s parents fucked them up. Rich kids’ parents gave them too much. Poor kids’, not enough. You know, too much attention, not enough attention. They either left them or they stuck around and taught them the wrong things. I mean, my parents are just these two people who didn't like each other very much, who decided to get married and have a kid, and the try their best to be nice to me.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? Jesse: I remember my mother once. She told me, right in front of my father, they were having this big fight, that he didn't really want to have me, you know, that he was really pissed off when he found out that she was pregnant with me, you know, that I was this big mistake. And I think that really shaped the way I think. I always saw the world as this place where I really wasn't meant to be.

Céline: I think [I’m close with my grandmother] because I always... I always have this strange feeling that I am this very old woman laying down about to die. You know, that my life is just her memories, or something.

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ...”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ...” Celine: So often in my life, I have been with people or shared beautiful moments like traveling or staying up all night and watching the sunrise. And I knew those were special moments, but something was always wrong. I wish I’d been with someone else. I knew that what I was feeling, exactly what was so important to me, they didn’t understand. But I’m happy to be with you.

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. Celine: I told him the story about the woman that kills her ex-boyfriend, and stuff. He must be scared to death. He must be thinking I'm this manipulative, mean woman. I just hope he doesn't feel that way about me, because you know me, I'm the most harmless person. The only person I could really hurt is myself.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. see #22

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. Jesse, on his recent breakup: I didn’t want to see anybody I knew. I just wanted to be a ghost. Completely anonymous.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? not crying, but #29

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. Celine (telephone conversation): We were in the lounge car, and he began to talk about him as a little boy, seeing his great-grandmother’s ghost. I think that’s when I feel for him. Just the idea of this little boy with all those beautiful dreams. He trapped me.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Céline: I... I kind of didn't really like this reaction back at the palm reader. You were like this rooster prick...You were like a little boy whining because all the attention wasn't focused on him.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? Jesse: If somebody gave me the choice right now of to never see you again or to marry you, I would marry you. And maybe that’s a lot of romantic bullshit, but people have gotten married for a lot less.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? Celine: I used to think that if none of your family or friends knew you were dead, it was like not really being dead. People can invent the best and the worst for you.

[she discusses the death of her grandmother in Before Sunset]

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

[anonymoustalks]

It was difficult being vegetarian on dorm, i said i would return once i was done

(6-20-20) You both like conversation.

You: hi

Stranger: Hey

You: anything on your mind?

Stranger: Blank slate over here

Stranger: Very zen

Stranger: Tabula rasa

You: that's nice

You: I've been thinking about my self-esteem

Stranger: How high it is?

You: mhm right now it's kind of on the low side

Stranger: Ooof

Stranger: Everyone has those moments

You: so on omegle I often go to the #politics tag

You: and I often get called dumb

You: and I'm reflecting on that i think

Stranger: Talking politics online is a mistake

You: mhm ^^ yeah it's poor judgement

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: How old are you?

You: 26

You: I like to find strongly opinionated people

You: and talk to them

You: because I want to understand them

Stranger: People who talk politics online arent here to come to an understanding

You: but I think in part through the way I talk, I end up getting called dumb a lot

You: mhm

Stranger: Welp, calling someone dumb isnt cool

You: yeah a lot of them are mean

You: but I want to know why they're angry

Stranger: Read books or articles

You: mhm I guess

Stranger: Not random internet weirdos opinions

You: I feel like I'm just skeptical when I read books/articles by professors or whichever about "white rage" or things like that

You: so I think it's valuable to talk to people from places where I've never been to

Stranger: People have trouble articulating thoughts and opinions, especially with topics that make them angry

You: mhm

You: I try to ask them about what their life is like

You: and things they care about aside from the hot button issues

Stranger: Truu

You: A lot of them are just really mean though

Stranger: Welcome to the internet

You: yeah

You: anyway enough about me

You: what do you normally talk about on omegle? ^^

Stranger: Oof, anything really

Stranger: Books, shows, hobbies

You: mhm

You: I like to talk about values

You: or like things that are important to you

You: kind of like if there is one thing in the world

You: that you would never give up

Stranger: No wonder you've had so many bad experiences

You: lol why?

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Whats your values?

You: mhm, I think I value empathy

You: and just being kind

Stranger: I can see that

You: as for things I wouldn't give up...

You: I guess my individuality

You: (whatever that means)

You: sorry it's super abstract haha

Stranger: Lol, thats cool

Stranger: Values usually are

You: um, for physical things, I wouldn't want to give up the internet lol

Stranger: Is the internet physical?

You: fine lol, I guess that's abstract lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You dont want to give up the server rooms and cables

You: lol

You: I'm not christian, but I find the concept of giving things up during lent fascinating

Stranger: What about ramadan you western centric shill

You: haha

You: I actually don't know anything about ramadan

Stranger: Ohhh

Stranger: I dont know a ton about it either tbh

You: I think I just remember people talking about fasting

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: They fast and avoid water during the day

You: mhm

You: I think lent interests me because I had a lot friends who would be like "I'm giving up chocolate"

You: or something random or specific

Stranger: Truue

You: it made me think about what I would give up, if I were to give something up

Stranger: Depends what the goal is right

Stranger: Whats the goal of lent?

You: mhm

You: umm

Stranger: Like am i trying to be closer to god?

You: (I don't know so I went to wikipedia lol)

Stranger: Trying to understand sacerfice

You: yes sacrifice

Stranger: Truu

Stranger: No idea what i would give up

You: mhmm

Stranger: Social media?

You: I hardly use social media haha

You: I went vegetarian for year and a half in college just because

Stranger: Oh nicee!

Stranger: That can be difficult

You: idk I didn't really have a sophisiticated reason for it

Stranger: I was vegetarian for four years

You: ohhh cool

You: why were you vegetarian?

Stranger: Ethical reasons

You: mhm

Stranger: I didnt like the meat supply chain and resources used for it

You: right

You: for me I had a bad break up and just spontaneously and randomly decided I didn't want to eat meat

Stranger: I'm the opposite of you, i stopped being vegetarian when i went to college

Stranger: Ohhh, yeah breakups suck

You: was there a reason why you stopped?

Stranger: It was difficult being vegetarian on dorm, i said i would return once i was done

You: ahh

Stranger: But i started getting really into fitness

Stranger: Hard to hit the macros with a vegetarian diet

You: right

Stranger: Why'd you stop being vegetarian?

You: mhm... I think I just stopped being vegetarian randomly

You: ...it's probably not very sophisticasted either

You: I've thought about it once or twice why I ended up vegetarian

Stranger: i feel like its appropriate, randomly stop what you randomly started

You: I guess I must have treated it like how ppl sometimes get a haircut after a breakup

You: like I think I wanted a different feeling to my life

Stranger: I didnt know that was a thing lol

You: ohh yeah like it's a stereotype

Stranger: I know about delete facebook and hit the gym

You: haha

Stranger: Didya get a fancy new doo?

You: no not really

Stranger: Rip, you had the perfect excuse to experiment

You: yeah it's true

You: I wanted to dye my hair in college

You: but never got the courage for it

You: and then towards the end, I was worried about jobs after graduating

Stranger: You play it real safe

You: yeah I do haha

You: are you risky?

Stranger: I dont think im risky exactly

Stranger: Just more than you lol

You: lol

You: can you give some examples?

Stranger: I have alot of extreme look changes

You: ohh

Stranger: Its fun

You: yeah it sounds like it would be

Stranger: And if it goes bad its fun to joke about

You: oh haha

You: I get self-conscious easily

Stranger: Yeah i get it

You: a lot of times I convince myself that a lot of peers secretly hate me

Stranger: Ooof, i've done that too

You: I think I need to be friendlier

Stranger: Also imposter syndrome

You: but I'm a huge introvert

Stranger: Mhmmm

You: and yeah imposter syndrome

Stranger: It can be hard to put yourself out there

Stranger: What did you go to college for?

You: biology

Stranger: fancy

You: it's like one of the most common majors lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Did you like it?

You: mhm I liked it enough

Stranger: Thats dope

You: what about you?

Stranger: Finance and accounting

You: oh wow

Stranger: I was actually a biomed major before switching

You: ahh

Stranger: Hated itt

You: I know nothing about finance and accounting haha

Stranger: Especially labs

Stranger: Ughh

You: yeah labs are terrible

Stranger: "I know nothing about finance and accounting haha" Sometimes i feel that way too

You: oh my ^^

You: are you in that as a career right now?

Stranger: Yup yup

Stranger: Well right now im just doing contract work

You: mh so you're wealthy then? (jk jk)

Stranger: Was switching jobs when this shit went down

Stranger: Lol i wish

You: mhm

You: what exactly is contract work?

You: like I know contractors

You: but in terms of finance and accounting...?

Stranger: I do some tax services for clients of an accounting firm i used to work for

You: ahh

You: independent contractor?

Stranger: Yeaa

Stranger: What do you do?

You: ohhh does that count as self-employment?

You: I'm in grad school

You: ...for biology

Stranger: o lawd

Stranger: They got you in the grad trap eh

You: lol

You: haha

You: mhm yeah dunno when I'll be finished lol

Stranger: They almost got me too, but i was broke for too long

You: mhmm

Stranger: fuck you pay me

You: lol

Stranger: i joke, are you enjoying it?

You: yup, well, as much as I can

You: there's the typical stress and things

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: So its a masters?

You: phd

Stranger: ooooo

Stranger: You fell hard for it

You: yeah lol

Stranger: Lol, thats cool af

Stranger: Doctor stranger

You: lol I feel like I'm never going to graduate lol

Stranger: You got this

You: you're really supportive and nice (random)

Stranger: Lol thanks

Stranger: People usually say i have a bristly personality

You: really?

You: I think you have an active and engaging personality

You: but also very nice

Stranger: I like poking funnnnn

You: and the active personality gives the perception that you're really listening

You: which matters a lot

Stranger: I'm a good listener i feel like

You: mhm, you seem like one

Stranger: You're pretty chill too

You: thanks ^^

Stranger: Despite fighting politics online

You: lol I don't fightttt

Stranger: Despite trying to bridge the political divide online

You: that sounds terrible lol

Stranger: It is

Stranger: The internet kinda sucks with politics lol

You: mhm

You: I feel like it's hard to have deep conversations irl

Stranger: Depends

Stranger: Some people are more receptive than others

You: mhm true

Stranger: I get online its easier to be yourself, but its also easier to be an asshole

You: mhm true

You: I think I worry a lot about interpersonal relationships irl

Stranger: How so?

You: mhm, like there's a group dynamic I guess?

Stranger: Ohhh

Stranger: So where are you from?

Stranger: Did i ask that already?

You: and the there's work colleagues

You: nope

You: new england somewhere

Stranger: myseriousss

Stranger: Are you lost?

You: new england is small enough it could be like a state if you put it all together haha

Stranger: Go pats

Stranger: With that i exhausted my sports knowledge

You: lol I'm not very knowledgeable either

You: although we hold football watching parties at my house

Stranger: I know people hate the patriots

Stranger: Because they dont inflate their balls or something

You: huuh, see I have no idea what that means

Stranger: Not cool new england, inflate them please

You: lol

Stranger: Wow, you're worst than me

You: yup!

You: I'm also bad with tv shows, movies, and music

You: basically it's hopeless if you want to have a normal conversation with me

Stranger: Im listening to music right now lol

You: lol

Stranger: I love talking about all those topics

Stranger: But i can talk about anything tbh

You: I just don't know anything ^^

You: what do you listen to?

Stranger: Like right now or in general?

You: either

Stranger: Pick one so i can start

You: general!

Stranger: You got it

Stranger: I loveeee

Stranger: Folk music

Stranger: Blue grass

Stranger: R&B

Stranger: Motown

Stranger: Soul

Stranger: Rap

You: cool

Stranger: Thanks

You: I have no idea what blue grass is haha

Stranger: Should i ask what you listen to lol?

You: um the answer would be whatever youtube plays

Stranger: Wise

You: basically pop bc I don't know anything else lol

Stranger: Lol thats fine

Stranger: Pop is fun

You: where are you from?

Stranger: Canada

You: ohh cool

Stranger: Thanks

Stranger: Its pretty nice this time of year where im from

You: mhmm summer

Stranger: Yeaaa

You: I'm like looking up your genres lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Want me to recommend a song?

You: yeah that would be nice

You: I found Wanderlust 🌲 - An Indie/Folk/Pop Playlist | Vol. I

You: because I guess I automatically go to playlists lol

Stranger: always alright- alabama shakes

Stranger: Lol, playlists are a good way to discover music imo

You: I often don't go back to figure out what songs are what though

You: this was my problem with the radio

You: I recognized songs

You: but had no idea who the artists or songs were

Stranger: I do that with albums when i listen to them cover to cover

Stranger: I never know the song names, just how they go

You: mhm

Stranger: So what area if your phd in?

Stranger: Is that too personal to ask?

You: immunology

Stranger: fancyy

You: it always sounds fancy, but I have no clue what I'm doing

Stranger: Give me some fire immunology facts

Stranger: Loool

Stranger: Ohh

You: uhhhhh

You: random facts uhh idk

Stranger: Lol its ok

You: lol kay haha

Stranger: I kinda put you on the spot

You: mhm it's fine, although I was racing in my head to find something that actually makes sense lol

Stranger: Sorry im so dumb : (

You: no, as in immunology seriously doesn't make sense

You: like it's basically jibberish

Stranger: Lol i get alot of it would go over my head, im just kidding

You: like CD45RA+ AB T cells

Stranger: BRAH

Stranger: Thats my favorite cell

You: lol

Stranger: I like how they

Stranger: Multiply

You: lol

Stranger: coolest ribosomes in the game

You: you're so chill

Stranger: I know

Stranger: My cell knowledge is sublime

You: lol

You: is there a reason why you like to come on omegle?

Stranger: Uhhh, i like talking to people

Stranger: So the quarantine kinda sucks for me

You: mhm

You: I forgot it was the quarantine

You: I was just thinking it's a friday night and you seem too cool for omegle on a friday haha

Stranger: Lolllll

Stranger: Trust me, im a massive dork

Stranger: Just a pretty social one

You: right

Stranger: Recommend me a song?

You: ohhhh so tough again

Stranger: Im not letting you off the hook this time

You: :c

Stranger: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You: *goes to dig through youtube history*

Stranger: Lol fair enough

You: do links work on omegle?

You: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0OX-a17Hfk

Stranger: idk

Stranger: Did you send one?

You: yeah I did

Stranger: Naww lol

Stranger: Just tell me title and artist

You: v=W0OX-a17Hfk

Stranger: That works too

You: it's entirely instrumental

You: idk most of the stuff I listen to is just background music

You: for when I'm doing something

Stranger: I feel that, i listen to stuff without lyrics when im working too

Stranger: I like the art work

You: but yeah, I don't have much of a sophisticated taste in music or anything

Stranger: Dont worry, no music degree on the wall here

Stranger: I just know if i like something or dont

You: mhm it feels like most people have a strong sense of what they like an dislike ^^

You: for me it's kind of uhh... blank haha

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: I'll listen to any genre if i like the song

Stranger: This musics chill, i like it

Stranger: Reminds me of harvest moon

Stranger: Used to play as a kid

You: ohh

You: I've never played

You: I did briefly play rune factory on an emulator

You: but otherwise yeah I don't have a long list of games either ^^

You: I think I'm kind of boring overall

Stranger: lol you're not boring

Stranger: I wouldnt be talking to you if you were

You: oh lol

You: thanks

Stranger: Noo problem

Stranger: I'm kinda glad i found someone around my age to talk to tbh

You: ohh I forgot that I told you my age lol

You: do you normally get ppl much younger?

Stranger: I dont go here often tbh

Stranger: But yeah, alot of young people

You: mhm

You: I feel like you're probably the most normal person I've gotten in a while

Stranger: Lol im glad

Stranger: What do you usually get?

You: mhm angry people

Stranger: Also the political tag probably skewed your sample

You: a lot of people trolling or just having fun some way

Stranger: I seriously dont get the fun in trying to upset people

You: yeah I've been trying to understand that too

Stranger: Modern bullying i guess

Stranger: idk

You: like it doesn't work to ask "why do you like to be mean"

You: so I will continue with my research!

Stranger: Lol plz dont for your own sake

You: lol

You: haha

Stranger: Put the scientific method to bed

You: lol

Stranger: Do you know reddit?

You: yup

Stranger: Ask me anything

You: the subreddit?

Stranger: Naw, im doing an ama

You: ohhh

Stranger: You're the only one attending

You: lol

You: okay, I hope you don't mind if I push the pedal then

You: what do you regret most?

You: (I ask heavy stuff often lol >.<)

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: I felt like i should have ended my last relationship sooner than i did

You: mhm why?

Stranger: I was just kinda hoping the problems would get resolved

Stranger: And that kinda lead me to hold on

You: what kind of problems?

Stranger: Drawing the line here lol, i dont wanna be sad all day

You: ahh okay sorry lol

You: yeah I'm really nosy

Stranger: Lol its okk, i just dont wanna dwell in it

You: how long ago did you break up?

Stranger: How about you, whats your biggest regret?

Stranger: Few months ago

You: ohh

You: (I hope you're okay)

Stranger: I'm getting there

You: for me...

You: I guess not asking for help when I needed it

You: I don't have many regrets though

Stranger: Mhmm

Stranger: I never asked for help growing up

You: mhm I'm the same

You: or at least, I'm still really bad at asking for help

Stranger: I didnt wanna bother people, kinda just dealt with it on my own

Stranger: Yeahhh, its hard

You: right

You: and like I have a stupid amount of useless pride for something not important

Stranger: Sometimes i just try to remember that people do want to help alot of the time

Stranger: Oh truue

You: mhm right

Stranger: I also dont like looking dumb lol

You: yeah haha

You: okay for the next AMA: Make a confession of some kind that you don't ordinarily tell people

You: (though I guess this isn't a question)

Stranger: More like a demand

You: lol

You: clearly I'm not in the habit of doing ama's

Stranger: So like im pretty healthy and take care of myself alot

Stranger: And i come across as super confident

Stranger: But im like pretty insecure about my looks

You: mhm

Stranger: Like im pretty critical to myself

You: yeah we're often our own worst critics, right?

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: How about you?

You: ohh

You: umm, how bad do I want to go lol?

Stranger: Lol, your call

You: I think I use omegle to boost my ego. Like I'm not interested in hooking up with anyone, but when people express interest in me it boosts my ego and then I can ditch them

You: >.>

Stranger: Ooof

You: was that heavy one?

Stranger: Lol no, i get it

Stranger: Im just preparing to be disconnected on lol

You: ohh I don't usually dc at all haha

Stranger: Mhmmm

Stranger: Well i think you're pretty cool tbh, take these ego points

You: oh haha

You: idk I think I'm selfish in a lot of various ways

Stranger: I feel like being able to refelct on it is like a good way to begin to address it

Stranger: Some people lives their entire lives without realizing what drives what they do

You: mhm

You: next AMA: What's something you dream of doing?

Stranger: A thru hike

You: thru hike?

Stranger: Its like a long hike that takes weeks or months

You: ahh wow that seems cool

Stranger: It isss, ive been on multiple day hikes

You: mhm I want to do one!

Stranger: But a thru hike would be amazing

Stranger: You can tag along lol

You: I have no idea how you would prepare for one haha

You: lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: You know how some people randomly plan holidays or online shop

Stranger: Just to waste time

You: mhm

Stranger: I plan thru hikes and my gear and food list sometimes lol

Stranger: Its pretty dorky

You: I think it's cool

You: wait so for a multi-day hike, how is that planned?

You: like do you usually go with someone?

Stranger: Solo or people

Stranger: I started going solo because its kind of hard to get people to come along

You: what do you pack?

Stranger: And being alone in the wilderness is kind of amazing

You: mhmm

Stranger: Pack alottt of stuff lol

You: lol

Stranger: I subscribe to the ultralight philosophy of hiking

You: mhhhm

Stranger: Where you try to keep gear minimal and light

Stranger: So you can go long distances and bee less tired

You: right

You: what do you see as essential?

Stranger: Tent

Stranger: Sleeping bag or quilt

Stranger: you're so lucky you're american

Stranger: You have better access to gear than i do lol

Stranger: Sleeping pad

Stranger: Backpack

You: really? for some reason I feel like canada has the outdoorsy stereotype haha

Stranger: Its legit amazing here nature wise

Stranger: Just harder and more expensive to get some gear lol

You: mhm

You: how much water/food do you pack?

Stranger: 2000 cals a day usually

Stranger: and i keep filtration tablets on me

Stranger: So i can reup on water

You: mhmm do you usually reup water?

You: I can see water getting a lot

Stranger: Streams usually

You: to carry

Stranger: Dont carry a ton, just reup on water

You: mhm

Stranger: being in nature is fun

Stranger: It feels like a reset for the brain sometimes

You: right totally

You: so do you usually pick hikes with nearby streams/water?

Stranger: Well there are usually trails people do

Stranger: Some people plan their own using a topical map

Stranger: I dontt

You: ah

Stranger: Topographic*

Stranger: Idk what topical is

You: on the surface of something ^^

Stranger: Lol oh

You: I guess it would just make sense to go a visitors center and ask for recommendations

Stranger: Naww, i usually just research it online

Stranger: I rambled a ton my bad lol

You: oh not at all

Stranger: What's something you dream of doing?

You: mhm I want to be lazy and copy yours lol

You: but I guess it's probably something vacation related

Stranger: The more the merrier

You: I'm super bad at planning

You: or more specifically, I procrastinate forever

You: so I don't plan vacations normally lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: I kinda like to wing it with a general idea of what i want to do

Stranger: I like exploring cities

Stranger: Where do you want to vacation?

You: ahh

You: mhmm I dunno lol

You: I so bad at being decisive lol

You: I do like outdoorsy things though

You: less so cities

You: I've never been clubbing or anything like that and I don't think I'd want to lol

You: I also don't drink very much

Stranger: Its overrated

Stranger: Im more outdoorsy too

Stranger: BUTTT

Stranger: Im a foodie

You: ohh

Stranger: and love stuffing my face when i visit a city

You: mhm that's cool

You: I think I like food until it gets too expensive

You: and then my heart sinks too much to enjoy it

Stranger: Brah fuck tourist traps

Stranger: I want hole in the wall joints

You: mhm those are great ^^

Stranger: Montreal is legit my favorite city

You: mhm montreal is great!

Stranger: Have you been?

You: yup!

Stranger: yessss!

Stranger: Have you tried the bagels lol

You: I think so

Stranger: Ughhh so good

You: ahhh yeah

Stranger: I bought two bags to bring back home lol

You: yeah I remember it now that I've googled it

You: they're fantastic

Stranger: Yeahhh

Stranger: Best souvlaki i ate was in montreal

You: ohh

You: I didn't know that was a huge thing there

Stranger: Idk if it is tbh

Stranger: But the place i went was fire

Stranger: Hard af to order tbh though lol

Stranger: They didnt speak english or much french

You: ohh interesting

Stranger: My cousin told me usually their daughter works the counter

Stranger: Im guessing thats why lol

You: lol

You: I took french in high school

You: but I forgot it all

Stranger: Welcome to the club

You: mh, it's kind of disappointing in a way

Stranger: Can always brush up on it

You: very true

Stranger: Do you know any other languages?

You: Chinese

Stranger: Mandarin or Cantonese?

You: mandarin

Stranger: Nicee

You: you?

Stranger: I can understand some hindi?

Stranger: Cant really speak much

You: ohh cool!

Stranger: Lol thanks

You: I can also understand better than I can speak

You: although my accent is okay

Stranger: First generation eh

You: mhm

You: uhh I mix up the generations

Stranger: Mhmm

You: I'm second generation

Stranger: Ohhh ok

Stranger: yeah i dont get generations either

Stranger: That means you're born here but your parents arent?

You: yup

Stranger: Ohhh, same then

You: I can never remember if that's first or second generation

Stranger: Preachh

Stranger: Alrii, hit me with another ama

You: mhm

You: let's seeee

You: bah I just thought one but it's basically the same lol

Stranger: Loll

You: biggest mistake lol

You: but that's so close to regret

Stranger: Should i ask?

You: sure

Stranger: OOff lemme think

You: looool

Stranger: lol

Stranger: Uhhhh

Stranger: Celeb crush lol?

You: ohh

Stranger: Sorry, i was struggling

You: no it's fine

You: I've never been a tv or film person so I never know actors

Stranger: Ooof i forgot

Stranger: Lemme think of another then

You: can I cheat and steal your question lol?

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: Nuhh uhhh, if you dont answer it

You: lol so cheap

Stranger: No one to blame but yourself

Stranger: Shoulda gave into celebrity culture like the rest of us

You: I'll just continue to live under a rock lol

Stranger: Ok patrick

You: lol

Stranger: Lol i got one

Stranger: What spongebob character do you relate to the most

You: mhmmm this is a struggle again XD

You: I know like three characters so uhhh

Stranger: loll

Stranger: That should make it easier!

You: oh the snail!

Stranger: Lmaooo

Stranger: I was about to say you're a total gary

You: lol

Stranger: What spongebob character do you think im most like

You: mhm you're outgoing and friendly

Stranger: aww shucks

Stranger: You dont really know me

You: idk I feel like there's so little to chose from so just spongebob

You: mhm very true

Stranger: lol

You: AMA: What do I not know about you?

You: or what I am I getting wrong about you?

Stranger: Oof

Stranger: Thats hard

You: ^^

Stranger: mmmmmm

Stranger: I mean theres alot you dont know about me

Stranger: Uhhh, i'm pretty good at vollleyball and basketball?

Stranger: Such a basic answer

Stranger: I blanked out lol

You: ohh those are cool sports

You: did you play in high school?

Stranger: Naw

Stranger: I was almost in the football team

Stranger: But gave up when i found out how often id have to stay at school

Stranger: Im lazy

You: ahh

You: what did you do afterschool in high school?

Stranger: Study, tv, games

Stranger: I legit sucked in highschool

You: hm sucked?

Stranger: Was super boring, didnt really like going out of my comfort zone

You: ahh

Stranger: What were you like in highscool?

You: I feel like I'm still bad at going out of my comfort zone

You: um, I was basically like the walking stereotype

You: swimming, piano, study, manga, writing

Stranger: Oof, i remember the manga kids lol

You: lol

You: that was mostly at home for me though

You: I read it when I was supposed to be studying

Stranger: We had a circle who hung out in the library

You: ohh

Stranger: I read a little of bit of a manga to try it

Stranger: I've watched some animes though way later on lol

You: mhmm

You: I never watched anime in high school because manga was much more discreet lol

You: I could read it on my computer without my parents knowing lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: tiger parents

You: mhm kind of yes and no

You: yours?

Stranger: They were pretty strict

Stranger: Moving away from them really allowed me to grow as a person

You: mhm same

Stranger: Sooo, what mangas did you read

You: ohh I read everything

You: like I was addicted lol

You: I read enough that I forgot what I read and the just all blur together lol

Stranger: Loll woww

Stranger: Do you read books?

You: yup!

You: or well, I mostly stopped reading when I went to uni though

Stranger: Boo

You: yeah I know >.>

You: too many readings for uni instead

Stranger: Pick up reading again imo

You: mhm it would be good

You: what do you read?

Stranger: I jump around alot

Stranger: Some of my favorites are science fiction, mystery, fantasy, historical fiction, dystopian

You: mhm

You: I love dark stuff lol

Stranger: spoooky

Stranger: So like

Stranger: I looooove horror movies

You: (I can't watch horror lol)

Stranger: But i havent read many horror related books lol

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: Thats cool

You: mhm for me I mean dark as in heavy haha

Stranger: Oh truuue

Stranger: Have you read The Road?

You: nope!

Stranger: Pretty good

Stranger: What genres other than dark do you like lol

You: mhm do you like survival?

Stranger: Like not dying?

Stranger: Love it

You: lol

You: I meant as a genre kinda (if that is a genre?)

Stranger: Oof idk, i dont think ive read survival

Stranger: Like man vs nature type of deal?

You: oh as kid I read hatchet and some other similar ones

You: yup

You: as for other genres, in high school when I was still reading a lot, I read a lot of fantasy and generic stereotypical trashy romance stuff

Stranger: Loll

You: oh and animals

Stranger: Like peppa pig?

You: I was the first one in my friend group to pick up twilight lolololol

Stranger: Lolll

Stranger: I never actually read the books or watched the movies

You: lol

Stranger: Do you recommend them?

You: uh, retrospectively no ^^

Stranger: lolll

You: but I did like paranormal romance as a teen

You: as for animals I read stuff like warriors lol

You: and also redwall actually

Stranger: I remember redwall

Stranger: Pretty dark

You: hm? I thought it was fairly normal lol

Stranger: Lol

Stranger: What about watership down?

You: yup I loved that one

You: well, it's a classic

Stranger: Yeaa

Stranger: I didnt read it, i kinda just assumed you would have

You: I did roleplaying forums when I was in high school lol

Stranger: omg loll

Stranger: Was that your rebellious stage?

You: lol not really

You: I was "writing" so

You: lol

Stranger: Truue lol

You: I did like wolf roleplays lol and stuff

You: I was nearly a furry lol

Stranger: Oh lawd

Stranger: Or actually

Stranger: oWO*

You: lol

You: I had a lot of really good memories from then

You: they're sort of like my defining experience on the Internet I think

Stranger: Thats cool

Stranger: A tight knit community can be nice

You: mhm, and it was actually writing, which was nice too

You: it was fun to sort of put characters and stories together

Stranger: Do you still write?

You: mhm super on and off

Stranger: Can iiiii

Stranger: Read it?

You: nope! XD

Stranger: Ughh

You: lol

Stranger: Worth a shot

You: I did nanowrimo freshman year of uni

Stranger: brah im canadian

You: it's an internet thing!

Stranger: Ohhhh

Stranger: Thats cool af

You: yeah but the thing I wrote was total trash lol

Stranger: Can i read that?

You: lol absolutely not lol

Stranger: But i want to so badd

You: when you rush to write 50k words in a month, that's like 1666 words a day

You: so basically you vomit over the page

You: and like your subconscious shows up on it which can be really bad

You: like it's like bad fanfiction but even worse

Stranger: Damn

Stranger: Exposed your Id for the world to see

You: yeah lol

Stranger: Idk if im mixing up id ego andsuperego

Stranger: I dont remember which is which lol

You: I don't remember the difference between them either

Stranger: Oh well

Stranger: Ugh i want to read it so bad lol

You: Ama: worst trouble you've ever been?

You: *been in

Stranger: I got hit for plagiarism once on a throwaway course

Stranger: I didnt do it thoughh

You: what?

Stranger: Lol it was a roman literature course

Stranger: And i used the wrong translation reference

Stranger: And the prof was a stickler for it

Stranger: I could have fought it but i didnt care enough

You: ohh

Stranger: Whops

You: yeah...

Stranger: Thats not even that bad tbh lol

Stranger: I mean maybe if you're a phd, but i was in business school and it was an elective

You: mhm

Stranger: You?

You: oh which one should I pick lol

You: I'll pick a parents one

You: so in high school, I also drew on deviantart

Stranger: whats that

You: ohh it's like the art website

Stranger: ALSO IM LEARNING TO DRAW

You: deviantart is like one of the biggest art websites, or at least used to be?

Stranger: Waitt

Stranger: Is it that like sex drawing site?

You: mhm no?

Stranger: Lol okk...

Stranger: Go on

You: although I guess people do draw some nsfw things

You: anyway

You: so I had a friend on that site, who had really serious problems

You: he cut and wrote really bloody and graphic pobik

You: poems

You: and we would pm and message each other

You: and my parents found out

You: and then freaked out

You: because they thought I was going to elope

You: to denmark

Stranger: LMAO

You: which is where the guy was

Stranger: Did you?

You: we were like 16

You: lol no

You: and it wasn't romantic

Stranger: darn

Stranger: Still a chance

You: yeah so I got banned from the computer

You: so like overnight I disappeared from the Internet

You: and I got really worried for him because basically I just disappeared one day

You: and like, he's not really stable you know?

Stranger: Mhmm yea

Stranger: Was he ok?

You: mhm like a year or two later he turned out okay

Stranger: Oohhh niceee

You: yeah

You: I only have one sad internet story

You: well with a bad ending

Stranger: Ohhhh

You: but yeah, for some reason I end up finding ppl with problems a lot

Stranger: You found me

You: D:

You: do you have many problems?

Stranger: Loll, i regular amount of problems i think

You: oh okay, I got worried ^^;

Stranger: Lol, i'm good

You: mhm that's good

Stranger: Could use some ice cream

Stranger: Mango

You: what time is it for you?

Stranger: 3am

Stranger: You?

You: same late

Stranger: Your schedule is fucked up too eh

You: mhm

Stranger: Yayy

You: we are doing shifts at my lab right now

You: since we're kind of half capacity

You: and I've been doing a lot of 2-10pm ones

Stranger: Oh truuue

You: the other one is 6am-2pm lol

Stranger: I've just been staying up because i can do contract work whenever lol

Stranger: Oh wowww

You: mhm

You: well it's the easiest way to fit 8-hours twice in a day lol

Stranger: Lol yeahh

Stranger: So what hobbies you have?

Stranger: Do you still draw?

You: uhh they're almost the same as in high school

You: except I'm less active lol

You: and I don't draw

Stranger: Damnn

Stranger: Highschol you was cool af

You: mhm I didn't really share those hobbies in high school lol

Stranger: Probably a good idea at the time lol

You: did you have a bad experience in high school?

Stranger: Longgggg story

You: ohh

Stranger: Ill shorten it i guess lol

You: okay

Stranger: I didnt get to go to the highscool everyone i went to middleschool with went to

Stranger: My parents didnt like that school

Stranger: I went to some catholic school instead and i was pisssseddd

You: ohh

Stranger: So first year i kinda was being a dick

Stranger: After that i kinda coooled off and made friends who i enjoyed hanging out with

You: mhm

Stranger: Wasnt as long as i thought it would be

Stranger: Im just really good at summaries i guess

You: ohh haha, I was expecting more haha

Stranger: sorry

You: mhm it's fine ^^

You: did you stay in touch with your middle school friends?

Stranger: Nooo

You: aww

Stranger: To be honest

Stranger: My parents made the right call

You: mhm how so?

Stranger: That other highschool and my friend circle was not great

You: mhm

Stranger: At the time it was the end of teh world

Stranger: You know, teenager things lol

You: yeah haha

You: did you have siblings?

Stranger: I doo

Stranger: One brother

Stranger: How about you?

You: younger brother!

Stranger: Damn same thing

You: lol

Stranger: Was he a snitch?

You: mhm not really

You: he was adorable actually

Stranger: Thats coool

Stranger: You guys still close?

You: I would say so, kinda

You: I'm not a very lovey-dovey person when it comes to family

Stranger: Mhmm, i get it

You: but yeah, I'm fairly close with my brother, kinda

Stranger: Lol yeah

Stranger: Im also 'kinda' close

You: I guess it's "kinda" for me because we get along really well whenever I'm home

You: but we don't talk a lot when we're apart

Stranger: Lolllll

Stranger: Same

Stranger: WE message eachother on our bdays

Stranger: or if something is up with the parents

You: lol once a year?

You: mhm yeah

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: Hit me with another ama?

You: mhm I didn't prepare one lol

Stranger: Oof

Stranger: Go find a celeb and develop a crush

You: I'm still curious about your ex

You: sorry to dig it up again

Stranger: Its okkk

Stranger: It is what it is

Stranger: I think we just were headed in different directions

Stranger: And the idea of what was held us together

Stranger: When was your last relationship?

You: mhm I need to count lol

You: 5 yeas

Stranger: oh woww

You: is it surprising?

Stranger: Lol idk kinda

You: mhm I kind of had these little fluffy things in between since then but I'm not really counting them

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: I understand

Stranger: Do you date and stuff?

You: mhmm not actively no

Stranger: Truuue

You: how long was your last relationship?

Stranger: 3 years?

You: mhm

Stranger: My longest one

You: mhm it must have been hard

Stranger: It wass, but i knew it had to be done

Stranger: Wasnt fair to either of us

You: mhm

Stranger: Sorry to be such a downer lol

You: no it's fine

You: life has its dark parts and lighter parts

You: I'm very familiar with that

Stranger: Just like cells

You: cells?

You: ohhh

You: those cells lol

Stranger: I'm an amateur cellologist

You: lol

Stranger: My favorite is CD45RA+ AB T cells

You: lol I stuck a bunch of letter together

Stranger: But he's so darn cute

You: mhmm sooo

You: I just realized that the number online right now is way higher than it was this afternoon

Stranger: No idea, i didnt really note it

Stranger: West coast probably hoped on

You: yeah

Stranger: East coast best

You: lol

You: what sites do you frequent aside from omegle?

You: reddit is one...

Stranger: Lol yea

Stranger: Thats the big one

You: mhm what subs?

Stranger: Askhistorians

Stranger: Fitness

Stranger: Books

Stranger: campingandhiking

Stranger: cooking

Stranger: changemy view

Stranger: dataisbeautiful

Stranger: explainlikeim5

You: those are really great subs ^^

Stranger: Lol i just looked down the list

Stranger: On my subscribed

You: was there more or did you stop at E? xD

Stranger: A ton more lol

You: oh lol

You: so many

Stranger: I'll stop though

You: yeah

Stranger: Those are kinda my big ones

Stranger: How about you?

You: mhm I don't use reddit

You: I did briefly in uni

You: actually around the 2016 election I was pretty active haha

Stranger: Ooof

Stranger: You're a big politics buff

You: I was a mod at the NeutralPolitics sub ^^

You: I'm like weirdly proud of that even though it was like only for a month

Stranger: Loll

Stranger: Thats really cool

Stranger: Not as cool as me being a mod of ultimate muscle subreddit

You: whaaat?

Stranger: A niche anime on fox that nobody has watched

You: lol

Stranger: I might make you assistant to the mod if you play your cards right

You: lol

You: mhmm it's getting kind of late I think

Stranger: Yeaaa

Stranger: Any chance you have discord?

Stranger: I had fun talking

You: mhm I do, but I don't share ^^

You: sorry

You: and I had fun talking too

Stranger: Dont worry, i wont out your fanfics

You: lool

You: I have a rules with myself for omegle

You: one of them is that I just don't continue anything offline

You: #pastmistakes

Stranger: Oh nooo

Stranger: What did you do lol

You: lol uhh it's pretty bad lol

Stranger: go onnn

You: umm, it's horrible enough that I probably shouldn't share ^^

Stranger: brahh, i had to talk about my ex

You: mhm but I had some heavy periods in the past

Stranger: dishh

Stranger: Get extra absorbent

You: omggggg rofl

You: basically times that were really emotionally low

You: it's easy to end up with people online for various reasons

You: and not turn out that great

You: I guess is probably the short story ^^

Stranger: You fell for some guy and it got weird?

You: pretty much

You: I actually crush over guys pretty easily online

Stranger: And i'm like super crushable

You: aww

You: but I just think it's better not to

Stranger: Many a maiden had fallen victim to my charm

You: lol

Stranger: I get it, i dont wanna cause you any distress

You: mhm, anyhow, have a wonderful night

Stranger: You tooo

You: goodnight!

Stranger: Gnight

You have disconnected.