#owwaw

[shadowmassakre]

alien fucker! owwaw

H E Y

[hitozy]

𝐝𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐬

excelsior ‹ masterlist › anemone

I feel before I see the sunlight filtering through the light curtains in the bedroom. It warms the sliver of naked skin exposed by the heavy arm on my back. I can make out the sounds of birds chirping outside the window, their day already starting.

Blinking my eyes open, I look at the alarm clock and groan at the early time, burying my face in my pillow trying to will myself back to sleep, but in the back of my mind, the prickling feeling of anxiety starts to wake up, reminding me of the deadline of the new article I’m writing about looming around the corner.

Before I can even make a decision about it, the arm on my back wraps itself around my waist and pulls me into a hard chest. I loop my arms underneath his and wrap myself around him, burying my head in his neck, his breathing tickling the top of my head as he molds his body against mine, like he has since the beginning.

“It’s Saturday, stay with me love.” He grumbles into my hair, his voice laced thick with sleep making it deeper than usual. One of his hands is resting on top of my butt, the other is drawing lazy circles on my back, lifting my shirt up the higher he goes. I made a sound of agreement and we stayed in each other's arms for as long as we could.

It’s strange, when we both can and have the time available to just lay in bed and absorb each other's presence like this. Our mornings are usually so charged with things to do and the nights as well, but through trial and error we have both learned from our mistakes, we have grown from our stubbornness and lessened the arguments. We learned to communicate better, to trust each other and grow together. We have a system made, we have our relationship established and put in place, we have much more than I had ever dreamed.

So when moments like these come, even when either one of us has so much on our hands to do, we stay and indulge in little things. He enjoys the way I fall slack against his chest, lips pressing kisses along the column of his neck, lazily and messy, still half asleep in his arms as he sighs and relaxes in my ministrations. 

His hands follow and trail the bones of my arms, my neck and back, adding pressure with his fingers at every dip and lift of muscle that he can find. I suck and roll the skin on the conjecture between his shoulder and neck, leaving a mark there. He groans low as he shifts his hips against mine, interlacing our legs together and providing much needed friction.

We are soon interrupted by the light pattering of tiny feet running down the hall to our bedroom, and I can’t help but smile against his neck as he chuckles at the little intruder opening the door quietly.

Kiyoomi stretches out our intertwined legs and I feel the small hand clutch his foot so the little one can pull himself up on the bed after throwing the plushie up. We soon feel the weight of a little one on the bed, crawling its way up until he’s standing behind Kiyoomi, his little hand shaking Kiyoomi’s shoulder tentatively.

“Mama? Papa?” Kota whisper-shouts at us and I bite Kiyoomi’s neck to stop us both from laughing, he retaliates with a pinch on my ass and I squeal at it, blowing our cover. Looking over his shoulder, I find Kota inches away from my face, his favorite green bunny plush that Kiyoomi had bought for him before he was born tightly in his arms, a brilliant smile on his face.

“Monin’ mama!”

Kiyoomi reaches behind and carries Kota inside our arms, laying him in between us. Wrapping his arms around me and Kota, squishing our faces together. Kota giggles as he kisses both our cheeks somehow, “Monin’ papa!”

Kiyoomi nuzzles his cheek against Kota, bringing out a fit of giggles from the little boy, “Morning, bun. How are you awake so early?”

Kota frees himself from his fathers grip and sits on the pillow in between our heads, pulling his bunny close to his chest, “Hungy, wan’ bekfas.” I look at Kiyoomi to watch his half lidded eyes watching our son, a smile plastered on his face and a caring gaze directed toward him. It doesn’t matter that three years have passed, Kiyoomi still looks at Kota like the day he was born. Eyes filled with joy and care, comfort and love, awestruck by the little ray of sunshine. It always makes my heart clench to know that Kiyoomi sees Kota as his son and reciprocates the unmeasured love.

Before we can answer our boy, his tummy rumbles, a clear sign of his predicament.

Kiyoomi looks down at me, a little twinkle in his eye, “Pancakes?”

I gave him a quick peck, “Pancakes.”

Kota springs up and jumps giddy on the bed, pulling on Kiyoomi’s shirt, “Pancakes!”

                                                    ―

Kiyoomi walks down the hall of his home with Kota at tow after helping make his bed. The once empty hallway is now covered in picture frames and diplomas. When they had moved in, the only picture that was up on the wall was of YN’s first ultrasound, now it has a variety of frames with pictures of memories that they share. Of YN’s graduation picture and diploma along with Kiyoomi’s, of Kota in their arms for the first time, of all his birthdays and holidays. Of friends and family, of everyone they care and love for, of their achievements and goals.

He adores every single one of them.

Kota is tugging his hand to hurry him up towards the kitchen, so Kiyoomi picks him up and blows a raspberry on his tummy, a fit of giggles awakening once again. If someone had once told him that he would be doing this at 25, he would have probably gagged.

Today? He wouldn’t change it for anything, not his son or his girlfriend. Nothing.

As soon as they enter the kitchen the sweet smell of syrup and whipped cream engulfs them, the growling in Kota’s tummy stronger than before. The table is already made, fruits and meats on it, only missing the key food. Kiyoomi settles his son on his chair and makes his way to the love of his life, making pancakes. He wraps his arms around her waist as he presses his front against her back and kisses from her neck down to her shoulder, “Morning, love.”

She turns and kisses him, her lips in perfect synchrony with his own. The heat in his stomach makes an appearance and he knows he has to cut it short, before he traumatizes his son. She grinds her ass against him and he breaks the kiss, swallowing a moan and completely detaching himself from her feeling a bit disheveled, openly glaring at her.

She smirks at him, fully aware of his predicament, “Maybe later, but you need to calm down now” , she teases him as she hands over a plate filled with pancakes.

He swats her ass as he makes his way out, her look of amusement following his moves as she shuts off the stove, he grumbles a “Smart ass” before smiling at Kota’s sparkling eyes.

She winks at Kiyoomi over the little ones head, sticking her tongue out at him playfully before serving the boy his breakfast.

Breakfast is sticky and goey and extremely messy, but so utterly sweet when Kota is making happy noises, finishing everything from on his plate, that Kiyoomi can’t bring himself to hate it.

                                                   ―

When Kiyoomi was single, he would spend his weekends either training by himself or with Komori, or he would clean his room/apartment from head to toe. Now, as a professional athlete and family man, some things have changed. 

He no longer spends the whole weekend training and cleaning, instead he cleans for an hour at night and trains some afternoons, keeping the rest of his day open to spend with you and Kota. As the years pass though, he wishes he could reduce his training times so he can spend more time with the both of you. Especially moments like now, when he is kissing you before he leaves, at the door while Kota looks up at him gripping his legs saying his goodbyes for a few hours.

He knows you’ll be working on your article that should be coming out next week, a column you had in the newspaper about twenty first century love advice, and he still finds it comical that you would want to do it. But the way you pour your heart and soul to ever word in it makes him extremely proud. Watching you get immersed in your art is something he could do for hours, if he takes pictures of you during that time, well.

It is his phone.

The drive to the gym is unnecessarily long and clings unhappily to his skin, he’s already calculating how much time is left before he can go home and he hasn’t even parked yet.

He takes off his mask as he makes his way to the gym with the three hyperactive musketeers trailing behind him, carrying too much energy for him to even want to interact.

Kota is easier to be with than the other three, even when the bunny boy is high on sugar.

What does lighten his mood a bit is when Atsumu mentions the National Team getting a new trainer. Starting next month, his schedule is going to change and his family is already preparing for it, if the handmade schedule you made meant anything by it.

He would have to train three days a week with MSBY and the other three with the National Team. Those living outside the country would be brought in as the starting day of the Olympics comes near. His training times will be shifted to the mornings instead of middays and afternoons, meaning he will still be able to see Kota when he gets home but he won’t be seeing him in the morning before he leaves.

He is about to ask Miya if he knows the new trainer when Bokuto interrupts him, loudly. “Oh! Shoyo told me about him! That killer setter guy, Oikawa, went to his same high school! Right, Shoyo? He’s gotta be good!”

He listens to the tangerine haired man agree nonchalantly, but his eyes are shifting in a way that has Kiyoomi freezing and missing the toss Atsumu throws at him, letting the ball roll on the floor with soft thumps. The bleached haired man eyes him worriedly as he tries to push Bokuto off of him when he exclaims about never tossing him anything when he never misses like Kiyoomi.

He feels his heart skip a beat at the new information, cold sweat drenching his back and he has barely begun working out. His left hand is shaking and he finds himself clenching it in his other hand to stop it. The voices of his teammates mix together in the background as he tries to focus.

Kiyoomi rationalizes in his mind the simple facts that could stop his mind from spiraling:

He moved to the US. He has a life there now. He doesn’t have a reason to come back.

There are many people that went to Aoba Johsai and could have become trainers. It was irrational to think that he could be the only one to become a personal trainer, regardless of his studies. 

Shoyo knew too many people from opposing schools, this guy could be from the first year lineup back then.

He can’t take away Kota.

He gasps at the last thought worming inside his brain and takes captive of his logical thinking. Kiyoomi is not afraid of him, but he is afraid that if he ever comes back, he will try to take Kota away from them. Kiyoomi is stated as Kota’s father in every legal document but there are laws that can help him and that mere thought causes the athlete to, in your words, flip the fuck out.

Kiyoomi just stands there, looking at his sneakers for a bit when he realizes that the white noise in the background is not him tuning out, but instead an eerie silence in the usually loud gym. When he looks up, he notices that Atsumu isn’t the only one observing him, but the entire team is standing still, and Shoyo…

Shoyo is biting his lip when Kiyoomi faces him, when Kiyoomi asks him, implores him, “Please tell me it is not him.”

Because if there is anyone that would know if he was coming back, it was either Oikawa, Kageyama or Shoyo. And all three of them work together in clockwork since they are friends, so if one knew, the others did as well.

“Yo, Tsumu, who’s him?” Bokuto whispers-shouts beside them before they hear Atsumu shushing, “Bro, not the time.”

When Shoyo looks back at him, eyes filled with remorse and heartbreak, something Kiyoomi almost feels like it's a reflection of his own eyes and he feels utterly defeated by it. 

He can see all the ways this is going to mess up his, yours and Kota’s schedule because he’s coming back.

Iwaizumi Hajime is coming back to Japan.

This time the silence was longer. She said only one more thing before we hung up: “Going back to something is harder than you think.” I don’t suppose I could have broken my mother’s heart any more if I tried.

For One More Day by Mitch Albom

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ’s ɴᴏᴛᴇ― im back! sorry this took longer than expected, but I kind of wanted to flesh out this last part of the series, that way I can actually post on time instead of making you all wait for the ending~ I have a couple of extra/mini stories for this series as well, a bit more insight of the past for reader and iwaizumi, along with sakusa and baby kota in the mix ♥ just to make you all feel loved for my long hiatus on the fic.

i’ll see you soon for next weeks update (;

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​​  @zukoslosthishonor​​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya​ @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy​ @all-in-the-fandoms​ @katsuera​​

[hitozy]

enubilous ‹ masterlist › nefarious

𝐏𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫

The minute the divorce lawyer called me to say that the papers were through and I was officially a divorcee, I had the strongest urge to call Iwaizumi. I actually found myself looking at his contact on my phone, thumb hovering over it and I couldn't explain why.

It was over, it was done, I couldn't be with him and he didn't want to be with me; so why do I still want to call him and check if he's okay?

It took a while for me to actually compromise with myself (and my brain) to instead call my parents and tell them the news, but that didn't go as planned.

"Your dad's out on work, kiddo," answered my mom after the third ring, "I'm about to head out to your grandma's house to clean it up a bit. Is this thing urgent?"

"I-" I stopped myself from telling her, realizing how shitty it would be for all of us to say that what Iwaizumi and I had ended, instead I said "I actually need to talk to you both about something... do you think I can go this weekend over?"

"How bad is it that you need to come and tell us?"

I chuckled, "I promise, its not so bad, depending on how you see it."

To say that my parents were upset was an understatement, my usually calm and stoic father was full of rage, cursing everyone and everything that came in his way to the kitchen. Meanwhile, my mother sat in front of me, eyes empty and eerily quiet, something I had determined to be extremely bad since a child.

It took a while for dad to come back and sit down beside her, holding her hand as he used his other one to support his head.

"How could they do that?" Mom asked in a small voice, I can see her hands shaking, full of emotion. "How could those two just look at her, look at you", she caresses my cheek softly, tears running down her own steadily, "and hurt you that way? I just-" she sobbed as she pulled me close to her, and cradled me in between her and dad.

"My sweet butterfly, you deserved a better man- a better family. I'm sorry."

I couldn't stop the tears running down my cheeks, wetting the front of my mother's shirt nor how tightly I was clutching my dad's hand. I had already known about my failed relationship with Iwaizumi would end this way, I had come to terms with it but it wasn't until I came into the home where I have so many memories with him, pictures of a lifetime with him, that I finally understood. It was the end, I would not see Iwaizumi again.

I took all the comfort my parents offered that weekend, all the love and watched late at night, while my parents thought that I was sleeping, as they gathered my wedding pictures and burned them in the backyard. I watched the smoke carry the ashes of a past that will never come back.

There was going to be a family reunion on the following weekend, but I decided against going. I wasn't ready to see everyone and tell them that I couldn't keep Iwaizumi at the end.

On the Monday after the reunion, I came face to face with someone from my past that I never expected at the front of my university. I wondered why, since we had not spoken in so long and did seem like we ever would again, but I decided to woman up and listen.

Which brought me here, in a lovely coffee shop, close to Iwaizumi's house, in front of Jae.

She looked as lovely as ever, an icy princess, and it made me wonder when she changed. The thought didn't last long, it was none of my business and at the end of the day it didn't matter. What she did and will do has nothing to do with me.

We didn't speak for awhile, just sitting across from each other sipping our drinks in an awkward silence. I had half a mind to just get up and leave but there was something in the way she kept on deflecting her gaze whenever I caught her, the way her pinky was twitching, the way the coffee mug in her hands was slightly shaken that made me stay.

"My parents want to disown me, even though I'm their only child, because of what we did."

I stayed silent, I didn't think my parents would go out and tell everyone... at least not that fast but I wasn't completely surprised.

"Iwaizumi went yesterday to our home town and told everyone about what he and I did, and how you divorced him because of his reckless choices. He got on his knees in front of your parents and fucking apologized like an idiot."

...He did what?

"Then he told my parents how it happened and said something about not deserving forgiveness or whatever."

She continued to rant but I zoned her out. Iwaizumi... went and apologized? To my parents? I had called them the night before, after the reunion was over to ask them about it, but they didn't say a word about this. Why didn't they?

I remember them saying that Iwaizumi's parents were there, but that in itself wasn't surprising either after so many years of friendship...Wait. Does that mean that they witnessed Iwaizumi's confession? Did they go to apologize for him as well? It made me sick to my stomach imagining his parents apologizing for him mistakes. They did nothing wrong, it was all on us.

"Why did you divorce him? Did you not realize it would affect all of us?"

Her last comment shook me out of the million thoughts in my mind.

"... Are you kidding me, Jae? Are you serious right now?"

She huffed, "You did it on purpose, didn't you? Why would you do this to me, to you, to him?"

It was like I was back in her apartment, months ago, demanding an answer that would break everything apart. An answer that was meaningless at the end of it all.

"Why am I here? Are you looking for an answer to your shitty karma? To my shitty karma? Fuck this and fuck you, Jae."

I got my things together and got up, she gripped my wrist tightly and gave me a demanding glare that only made me angrier than before.

"I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren't mine.” I pulled my wrist from her grip and exited the café, a huge weight being lifted from my chest and for the first time in my life, I felt like I could fly.

Connie applauded enthusiastically at my retelling of this past week, she had a shit eating grin that I wouldn't change for the world, "Now that's improvement! It must have felt amazing finally letting it all out and cutting all of the ties."

"It did and I feel... free. Like I can breathe again, like I can finally start my life."

She gave me an expectant look, "Then what are you waiting for?"

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

A muffled deep voice sounds from across me, its strong yet quiet due to library policies. I look up and I'm met by dark eyes, dark curly hair and that's all I can see, since the face mask covers more than 50% of his face.

He waits patiently for my response as I think it over. He's a complete stranger to me and up until now I had never even crossed paths with him, but his eyes look a bit like Kageyama's, a bit like mine.

I give him a faint smile, "Sure, I don't mind."

I watch him from my peripheral vision as he pulls out disinfectant wipes and wipes down his area, wiping down the chairs as well before settling down. Its a bit strange, but I suppose they can be a bit dirty after a while. They don't really clean school regularly and with how stressed people are, they get sick all the time.

I try to ignore the icky feeling I suddenly get, swallowing the nausea that seems to pop up every now ant then, and make a note on my phone to bring disinfectant wipes from now on, the last thing I need is to get sick.

After that, we work in silence on our own projects and I'm surprised on how comfortable I feel being around this stranger. I'm quite sure that I've never met him before and yet I don't feel... out of place. I peer up to look at him and I'm frozen in place.

He had, at some moment, taken off his face mask and was typing away on his computer, occasionally looking at the book beside it. I wish I could look at see what its about, but I'm a bit shell shocked.

He is extremely handsome.

I took in his jaw, sharp and defined, if he clenched it I knew I would be able to see all of the muscles there ripple under his skin. The slope of his nose reminded me of the exchange student in my class, he had called it a 'celestial nose', a concave leading to a slightly raise tip and it made my hand itch with the wish of gliding my finger down it, under it to his pinkish lips.

I glanced higher and noticed that he didn't have curly hair, it was actually wavy, reminding me of the time the whole world was succumbed under the 'beach waves' aesthetic. There wasn't a girl in my class that didn't want it and if they saw him right now, they'd be green with jealousy at how he seamlessly pulled it off. Underneath the fringe of wavy hair, above his eyebrow on the right side of his face sat two moles like a colon and beneath it were his dark brown eyes, they were piercing right into my soul as if they could find all the mysteries in the world if they just kept on looking.

That's when I noticed that he was looking at me.

"Are you all right?"

I blushed deeply, embarrassed at being caught by this stranger.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I uhm. Sorry."

I looked back down at my book and acted as if I was fully concentrated on that. It was a bit hard to gain the concentration though, not when his gaze seemed to fall to me every few minutes.

Colon guy, as I had dubbed him, started to appear randomly ever since that day at the library. From going to not ever seeing him, now I saw him every where I went because it turns out that we are in the same department. We also share a class, I found this out when I came in late once and sat beside him, at first I didn't recognize him because of the face mask, but when I noticed the colon moles on his forehead I was brought back to my embarrassing moment and the blush never left me until after class.

Another development was that since our first encounter, he now sits with me every day after class to do homework. We don't really talk or interact, other than acknowledging each other before either one of us sits down across from the other.

It's strange and yet extremely comforting, which makes me feel strange while I tell Connie all of this.

"But you had never noticed him before?"

"Never, Connie and it's so... weird!"

"Why? Because he caught you staring at him?"

"Because he's caught me staring at him, multiple times, Connie! I was finishing the script for the school play yesterday, and without realizing it I stared at his face for 30 minutes."

"Oh my."

"That's not all! He," I groan, pulling up my shoeless feet (Connie lets me take off my shoes and relax, sometimes joining me) on the couch, "he asked me if he had anything on his face and I said," I buried my face in my hands, blushing at the memory, "I said 'You're so lovely and beautiful.'"

I didn't need to look up to know Connie was trying to repress her laughter, I couldn't blame her either feeling like an utter fool at my lack of brain to mouth filter at yesterday's anecdote.

I was getting into the final act, bringing all the elements together for the romantic ending scene and as I was writing the last paragraph I had looked up not thinking I would get lost in my new homework companions face again. I wondered if I could get away with writing about his face for my creative writing poem about gods.

Connie cleared her throat, and yet I could still hear the laughter in her voice, "What did he say?"

My blush deepened, I wringed the elastic band on my wrist, "He said," I groan mortified, "He said, 'Shouldn't you know my name first, then flirt?' I-" Connie's laughter interrupts me and I can't even be mad at it, it was ridiculous.

Once she's calmed down a bit, she glances at me with a teasing glimmer in her eyes, "And? What did you tell him?"

"I didn't say anything Connie! Thank fuck Tobio texted me saying he was outside waiting for me or else I would've made a bigger fool out of myself!"

"Did you see him today at class?"

I throw my head back, resting it on its arm, keeping my eyes on her ceiling, "I did."

"... Are you going to tell me what happened or are we doing 20 questions again?"

I giggle at it, our second session had been a nightmare at me opening up since it was after getting the call from Iwaizumi.

"He sat beside me in class, he usually just sits at the back at glares at everyone, but he sat beside me and offered me hand sanitizer. When I met him at the library, he had cleaned my area and it smelled like lavender. He even said, 'See you tomorrow butterfly girl.'"

"Do neither of you know your names?"

"Nope."

Connie chuckles at my response, "Hopeless, have you asked him?"

"No, Connie. As you can see, I am too busy making a fool out of myself to even ask for anything, let alone make a coherent and reasonable sentence."

She laughs at my sarcastic tone and pats my foot, "At least you have a new companion other than Kageyama and your classmates."

I hum at that, and think for a bit if I should tell her what has been swarming my thoughts recently. I'm still not very sure but every time I think about it, it just... feels right. I know Connie notices my hesitation, I know in the way she stays quiet but there's reassurance in her eyes. There's no rush or annoyance and I appreciate it, since this would be the second time I say it out loud.

"Is it bad that I might... want something more than friendship though?"

"Why would it be?"

"It's been two months since the divorce, but sometimes when I'm around this guy I just... I feel this pull and I kind of, might want something with him but at the same time I don't? I'm just really confused... I don't know how to navigate this."

She smiles at me, the smile that calms me instantly, "YN, you don't have to be in a relationship to be with someone. Maybe you can get closer to him and figure it out slowly, let it flow naturally. Also, how long you've been separated doesn't matter as long as YOU feel like its right."

"...I think I'm in love with you Connie."

"Take me out on a date first, you little gremlin."

We burst out laughing as the sunshine filtered the room. Things are starting to look better after all.

petrichor | \ˈpeˌtrīkôr \ | (n.) : a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

a/n! hiiiiii. long time no see, and I am so very sorry - october kicked my butt and hard, but I'm much better and back on my shit again. There wasn't much Iwaizumi in this chapter but I will compensate it on the next one, since it will be from Iwaizumi's POV.

I hope you are all doing swell and obvs, happy halloween & in advance, feliz dia de muertos a mis queridos lectores ;)

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

nefarious ‹ masterlist › cavalier

𝐑𝐮𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐬

Entry log >>

Novel butterfly is typing…

Have you ever had such an god awful month, that you actually don’t think it could get worse… but then it does and all your brain can process is to burn all of your most sacred memories in the firepit your parents have in their backyard while holding your boyfriends hand while ugly sobbing at the biggest loss of your life… when it shouldn’t even be you that’s crying?

That’s how this month is ending for me.

It all starts with misscommunication.

ᴅᴀʏ 01.

We start to talk a bit when we are together in the library - I find out that while he does want to spend the rest of his life playing volleyball (until he physically can’t), he wants to have a degree as a backup and remembering the way that Oikawa would destroy his knees, I fully support it. There’s also no doubt in my mind that he will get recruited the moment he graduates, if not before that, even if he says so.

How he starts to open up to me, slowly and then all at once, until I know things that many others wish they could.

I find out that he dislikes germs from people that he doesn’t know, meaning that by now he’s alright with me touching him or getting into his space without provoking a panic attack. I came to understand and sympathize with him after our first encounter, you never know where people have been.

I learn how he started playing volleyball and had yet to quit because it had no ends to meet or how it was his cousin that got him hooked onto it, how he sometimes misses his days in high school and how he doesn’t necessarily hate anyone, just questions their morality or lack of.

How he didn’t like ordering online unless he had been to the store beforehand because it might be suspicious, which made me question my expectations in life.

Or how much of a curious cat he actually is, always wondering, looking, searching for an answer.

He eventually asks what I like to drink and soon after he starts bringing different kinds of flavors of coffees and teas, it never fails to make my heart stutter or how he sometimes brings me a muffin or pastry on the days I had mentioned to be filled with classes without any breaks, like today.

I get there earlier than him and wipe down the whole table and chairs with disinfectant wipes that I have somehow carried everywhere and feel disgusting if I don’t use them. I know it has a lot to do with Colon guy explaining germs and his germaphobia, how gross it all sounded. Once done I sat down and pulled out all of my things to start with my homework until Kageyama could pick me up.

I can feel more than hear when he’s close to our table, I had begun to recognize or at least predict his presence around me that was at first intimidating is now much more calming, more present and real. He sits down in front of me, knowing I had cleaned beforehand, trusting me as he had begun to do it once he caught me cleaning a few weeks ago, handing me milk tea and a blueberry muffin while setting aside his coffee.

I groan after I take a sip of the drink, “You need to stop bringing me these things, my jeans are starting to get tight and I cannot go a size up.”

He rolls his eyes and scoffs as he takes out his things, “You haven’t eaten all day, you need to take care of yourself.”

I grunt in disagreement, not wanting to say anything as to advance in a petty conversation and continue to work on my homework. I can hear him sigh and from the corner of my eye, I can see him shake his head in exasperation; whether it's towards me or someone else is something I’ll have to figure out later, I need to read 25 pages first.

“You’re beautiful just the way you are, butterfly. You need not worry about that ever.”

This is not something that is new, the casual flirting started the day I blurted out loud how beautiful he is and continued. That doesn’t mean my heart stops beating faster or I stop blushing at his words, words spoken so tender and soft, holding so much affection that I need a few minutes to stop my eyes from watering.

I never reply to them, but whenever I look up to see his face, his eyes tell me that he knows I appreciate it, that I am aware of his sentiments and that’s enough.

He figures out my name before I do, it's during the third week in our shared class that he says it, that he calls for me to sit with him and I blush at the sound of my name coming out of his lips, with his deep voice. He doesn’t mention it, but from the way he's smirking (because he takes his face mask off whenever I’m around), I know that he’s aware of what I’m thinking.

He doesn’t tell me his( “I figured out yours by asking around and paying attention, now it's your turn, little butterfly.”), and I figure it out until we are partnered up for a project.

Sakusa Kiyoomi.

I laughed out loud when I found out, I had read his name a few times on VB magazines and heard from the VB club about him in between bitter words and harsh criticism, and even when he gives me a weird look after apologizing and saying it's not what he thinks, I can’t stop.

Looks like my type is solely VB ace’s.

ᴅᴀʏ 02.

Getting partnered with Kiyoomi, he refuses to let me call him Sakusa, is one of the best things that could have happened to me. He’s very different from all the men I have met, and yet a bit similar in some cases.

He’s quiet, but not in a way that’s exasperating. He just knows when he should intervene or give his opinion. That doesn’t mean he won’t sass me every now and then, but it doesn’t matter if he’s going to give me that lovely genuine smile that seems reserved only to me, for me.

We get together at Kageyama’s apartment, since it's close to University and I’m not shocked to find out that they know each other, I’m just relieved that they get along or partially get along… as long as they don’t fight it's okay with me.

The project is tedious, exhausting and overall a pain, but I’m not going to complain if I can look at Kiyoomi every now and then for breaks; or when he’s looking at me for his.

Neither one of us has mentioned out loud about this relationship we have. It's present, just there and I can feel it surround me whenever he’s around or mentioned, like a soft warm blanket in the middle of winter. I want to ask what this all is and I’m about to, until Iwaizumi calls.

It's during the call that I realize I haven’t told Kiyoomi about my relationship with Iwaizumi, about being married and now divorced, about being with another man in ways others would find hard to accept and while I try to stay professional, I’m worried about Iwaizumi. His tone is… off and I can’t help but feeling unsettled. I must show, because as soon as I hang up with him, Kiyoomi is pushing my hair out of my face and resting the back of his hand against my forehead.

“Feeling sick again? Have you gone to the doctor yet?”

I shake my head, his cool hand numbing the headache and nausea that was forming, “Not yet, but I did make an appointment for later this week. I bet it's nothing, just stress.”

He gives me a look that I know means that I’m about to get my head chewed out, so I quickly change the topic to food and work.

It seems to get him off of my case for a bit, and I’m grateful. I can’t deal with too many emotions in one day.

ᴅᴀʏ 04.

Kiyoomi asks me out on a date two days later and when I say yes, he kisses me.

His lips are soft against mine, so soft that you could confuse it for the touch of a feather, just barely grazing each other, as if testing the waters. When I incline my face to the side, following his lips, he shifts closer to me. When our lips meet again, the presence against mine is stronger yet nonetheless, soft. We let our lips naturally find their course against each other, slight smacking sounds filling the air along with our yearning.

He pulls me into his lap, the sound of crinkled paper and falling pencils background noise for us. I wrap my arms around his neck and he kisses me with more force, with much more passion than I had ever felt before.

My legs wrap around his waist as he settles me down in his lap, one of his hands rests on my thigh, caressing it circular motions, as the other one makes its way to my waist as my fingers run through his obsidian locks, and they are as soft as I’ve imagined since the first time I saw him. He lets his fingers dig into the dimples of my lower back to then feel his knuckles glide up my spine, rising goosebumps all over my skin, provoking a shudder of anticipation and a soft sigh escaping my lips, separating us for a moment. He smiles against my lips and when his hand finds purchase at the back of my neck, he pulls me back to him to continue the onslaught of our lips, much slower this time but never less passionate. I let one of my hands lower towards his chest and settle right on top of his heart.

He kisses me with so much care, so much love and his heartbeat resonates with it, I don’t realize that I’m crying until I can taste the salty tears in our sweet kiss and even though I’m overwhelmed with emotions, I don’t want him to stop, so when he starts separating himself from me, I grip his hair with both my hands and pull him back to me, turning the kiss into something more messy and raw.

He doesn’t protest, he doesn’t fight me or push me back, instead he leans back against the foot of the bed, pulling me along and settles me against his chest. His hand that was once settled on my thigh is now running slow circular motions from my hip to my knee, and the other one is cupping my cheek, running down to the side of my neck and warping his hand around my arm loosely, pulling it up to his chest, against his heartbeat where it a few moments ago.

It isn’t until our lips are more caressing each other than actually kissing that I separate. Instead he pulls me up and leans our forehead together, breathing each other's air, the position so intimate that I feel like crying all over again.

“I’m here, butterfly.” He presses his hand over mine, his heartbeat underneath our hands stronger than ever, a beautiful anchor to reality, “I’m not going away, not until you ask me to go.”

I sob at his words, at his touch and let him cradle me, he lets me bury my head in his neck.

“Never want you to go, Omi.”

He pulls me tightly against his body, “Then I’m never leaving, my love.”

We don’t get anything done that day, papers lay forgotten for the rest of the night as Kiyoomi carries us to the bed and cuddles me until I fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat matching mine.

ᴅᴀʏ 05.

The doctor's appointment doesn’t go well, or at least the outcome is terrifyingly unexpected. It's almost comical how a number has me shaking in fear, anxiously biting my nails bloody and I can barely listen to what the doctor is saying.

The only thing that crosses my mind is that I have to call someone, while the number repeats in my mind. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14.

14.

Everything turns black before the line rings.

I come back to my senses momentarily.

It takes a while before I realize that I am enveloped in warmth, have been for a while and I slowly start to come back to my senses. The noises of a busy hospital, the strong arms cradling me against a solid chest, the sound of a heartbeat resonating my own and the soft but sure murmurs of affection.

"It's going to be alright YN, just take your time, I'm right here for you."

14 weeks.

I want to ask him when or how he got here, how he found me but the words are stuck in my throat. I’m scared, I’m exhausted and I don’t know what I’m going to do. But his arms are around me and his heartbeat slows mine, I feel myself floating in the air slowly falling asleep against him. It’s been 14 weeks...

When I wake up I find myself in my bedroom back at the apartment. It's quiet except for the soft noises of someone walking around outside of my room and I wonder briefly how I got here until Kiyoomi walks into the room with a cup of tea in his hands and a surprised look on his face that makes me giggle.

He smiles at me, as he sits beside me and hands me the cup, “Here, the doctor said that ginger tea would help with the nausea.”

I take the cup and moan in appreciation as the warmth settles in my stomach, relieving a bit of the pain I was having these last few weeks. Halfway through the cup reality hits me and I find that I can’t take another sip without wanting to throw up. I place the cup on my bedside table and stare at the wall in front of me, avoiding Kiyoomi’s gaze.

I don’t know how to tell him and I’m so scared of his reaction to it, because it's all my fault and it's all messed up. How the hell am I going to fix this? What am I going to do?

“I know you’re pregnant.”

My thoughts freeze the moment he speaks, I don’t dare look at him.

“The doctor told me when you passed out from a panic attack, which by the way scared the shit out of me, he gave me a list of prenatal vitamins and stuff. I already ordered them online, should be here in a couple of days, if not sooner. You also have a follow up appointment next week for an ultrasound. I made sure that it was set up after practice to be able to get there at time, and I’ll make sure to tell coach to not set up any matches or practice matches once we make the appointments-”

“What?” I look at him, shocked eyes looking into calm and confused ones. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“About what? I tried to set up the appointment referencing your schedule and mine, so there shouldn’t be a problem?” He seemed genuinely confused at my reaction.

I really don’t understand why he’s so calm, “Omi… you do know that I’m pregnant, right?”

“I just said that, butterfly.”

“That means that this baby”, I point at my stomach, “Is not yours.”

He rolls his eyes at me and smirks, “I’m aware. Sex is involved to do that and last time I checked, thats not our case. Unless you can get pregnant from just kissing…”

“Omi! NO!”

He laughs and takes my hand, smiling as he watches our fingers intertwine, “I know what you want to say.”

We stay quiet for a while, him looking from our fingers to my abdomen every few seconds, and me watching him do this filled with so much confusion. I don’t know what is going on inside of his head and I won’t lie, I’m extremely worried. My mind can’t wrap around everything he said and mentioned, about fitting the ultrasound appointments in our schedules. OUR, not mine, ours.

“I know you used to be married, people in our class would pester you about it and I can guess that he’s the child's father.” He looks up to me to confirm, when I nod he continues, “I also know that he’s not in the picture anymore...”

I guess it's the moment of truth, I’m just thankful that he doesn’t see me as a cheater or less, “We’re divorced.”

He looks at me surprised, “Really?”

When I nod, he’s surprised face turns confused, “Really…”

“Why are you so surprised? You kind of knew we weren’t involved anymore.”

He looked me straight in the eye, completely serious as his fingers tightened against mine, “I thought he was dead, I couldn’t think of another reason why anyone would willingly leave you.”

A sad smile appeared on my face, “Some people would disagree.”

He pulled me towards him, changing our positions to him laying against the bed’s headboard, making me sit on his lap with a smile, “Some people are stupid, that includes your ex.”

“He’s not stupid. He just… he loved her more than me.” I whispered in a small voice and I saw a glimmer of understanding in his eye, as if my words were the last piece of the puzzle. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead, one of his hands caressing the slightly protruded bump.

“So… stupid AND a jackass.”

I burst out laughing, “Oh my god, Omi!”

He chuckles and ends up looking at the roof, as if finding it the most interesting thing in the world.

The air around us feels light, but the weigh on my chest, on my abdomen feels heavy as led. Unable to look at his face, I focus on a spot on the wall, trying to get my mind back in place.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Kiyoomi.”

He doesn’t say anything, but he graze of his knuckles on my spine tells me he’s listening and to continue. It takes a few minutes to finally voice out everything.

“I didn’t want to get pregnant, I didn’t want kids now, I-” I try to calm down my breathing, “I had everything planned you know? I would get married to him, keep my studies and graduate. Get a job at Asahi Shimbun and after getting settled into my job, start thinking about kids. But,” I stutter, feeling tears well up and trying so hard to push them back, unsuccessfully, “But now here I am, divorced before the first year anniversary, still in school and 14 week pregnant living with my best friend and getting your shirt covered in snot and tears and I-” I sob into his chest, “I don’t know if I can do this, Omi, I really really don’t know.”

He stays silent, maybe because he doesn’t know what to say or maybe because he knows that there is nothing he can say to make me feel better, but he shifts so that we are facing each other and pulls me tight against him, letting me borrow my face into his neck and let out everything.

When the afternoon sunset glows through my bedroom window, he finally speaks.

“I don’t know if you want him in your life for this, and I… I am not going to stop you. But ever since your doctor told me, I have been reading all of these articles and news and it's...”, he pulls me tight against him, the hesitance in his face makes my heart beat faster, “I think you should tell him that you’re pregnant. I know you- I know this is a lot, but maybe getting his input might help you make a decision?” His voice is uncertain and I can sympathize with it, this is unmarked territory for me too.

“I am.” I sigh more than say, feeling weak and unmotivated.

“Good.”

His body is still against mine, and I realize that he’s avoiding my gaze.

“...Are you okay, Kiyoomi?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You haven’t looked at me for a while now.”

His eyes snap back into focus and gaze at me for a moment, a question hidden deep down that seems to be drowning everything he wants to voice, but afraid of the answer.

“Spit it out, Kiyoomi.”

He hesitates for a moment and detaches himself a bit from our entangled limbs, it makes me miss his body heat immediately. I want to pull him back.

“I don’t want to assume but,” he sighs sadly and his smile is reluctant, “you’ll get back together with him, won’t you?”

His words don’t make sense to me. I hear them, I process them and it still doesn’t make sense. I’m getting back together with Iwaizumi? Why would that happen? I stare at him, eyes wide from confusion. He continues to give me that smile and I want to pull it off of his face, I don’t like it. When his eyes focus back on me, I can see a momentary lapse of loss before he looks away and avoids my gaze. It hits me like a ton of bricks why I don’t like his expression. It’s the same one I had on mine when I had sudden reminders of how Iwaizumi wasn’t mine.

Kiyoomi thinks I don’t want him.

“Whatever he decides,” I caress his cheek, “it won’t change our relationship, Omi.” I bite my bottom lip, blushing, “If you still want one with me, that is. Since, I’m… you know.”

He chuckles and finally peers down to meet my eyes, searching. Whatever he finds must be good, his eyes turn soft and his whole demeanor relaxes. He pulls me close and kisses me, tasting the sweetness of the tea on his tongue. It doesn’t last very long and yet, it leaves me breathless.

“I’ve wanted you for a while, if I’m honest, and you being pregnant won’t change my mind.” He takes my face between his hands and slides them down to my neck, keeping me close, his thumbs resting on my jaw and the possessiveness of the act makes my heart beat faster, his eyes hungry and yearning. “I want you, all of you. We’ll figure it out little by little, okay? You are not alone in this, love.”

I feel my face heating up, fully aware of the blush that is extending from my cheeks to my neck. He pulls me in for another kiss and before our lips touch I whisper against them a secretive, “Okay.”

14 doesn’t seem like a scary number anymore.

Later that night I get a notification from the house seller plus a bank deposit confirmation, half of what the house is worth, just like Iwaizumi promised. I hadn’t thought about how I was going to use it until today. That money is for the baby, every last cent and I’m okay with it… even if I don’t know what to do with the baby yet.

Kiyoomi had left a few hours earlier for practice, and I can’t keep him with me, even if he says its fine. I made him miss a few classes and he hates it, I can’t make him miss practice. So with a kiss and a promise to call later, he walks down to the elevator, his gaze leaving mine only when its doors close up on us.

Once he’s gone, I get a huge craving of agedashi tofu and as I’m cooking it, I realize it's Iwaizumi’s favorite with a laugh. I eat the whole pot of it and as I wash it, I curse Iwaizumi from heaven to hell and back. I can’t be eating this all the time.

When I’m back in my room, I start to make a list of things I need to get done… asap.

I have to tell the school, and Kageyama, and Mom, and Dad.

But first…

I look at Iwaizumi’s contact number, realizing I never changed his ID name. It's nostalgic and I had used it for him since I had a cellphone.

But he isn’t my one, he never was and so I change it.

Calling Iwaizumi…

I rub my tiny bump as I wait, and wait, and wait, and then I’m sent to voicemail.

Confused, I try again.

It rings and then cuts off.

I huff, frustrated. One more time.

We're sorry but the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

What the hell? I try again.

And again.

And again.

Nothing.

I stare at my cell phone screen, anxiety causing my stomach to turn uncomfortably.

“Sorry, bubba,” I rub my bump in comfort, “Just worried. Maybe he turned it off, I’ll try again tomorrow.”

ᴅᴀʏ 10.

I call him everyday, and he doesn’t answer.

I tell Kiyoomi as much after four days pass, he looks at all the calls, angrily. “Jackass.”

I hum in agreement, “I’m thinking about telling his parents, and have them tell him to call me?”

“Are you close to them?”

“We grew up together, him and I. He lived down the block from mine and we went to the same school together.”

He handed my cell phone back, “Are you going to call them?”

Sighing, I lean against his side, “I don’t have their number, I think I’ll just go to their house once I tell my parents this weekend. I was planning on seeing them last weekend by the way, but I thought it might be nice to get them one of those ultrasound pictures?”

“We’re going to need 5 copies of those.”

I pull back a little bit, and look up confused, “5 copies?”

He takes my hand, closing it into a fist. “One for you,” he pulls out a finger, “One for your parents” another finger, “One for the father’s parents” third finger, “One for me” fourth down and he pulls the fifth one straight, interlacing our hands and I shiver at the warmth coming from his against my cold one, “and one for my parents.”

My body freezes as I peer up to see him watching me, a ghost of a smile on his face, “For your parents?”

He nods, “For my parents.”

I don’t say anything else, not even when a deep red blush forms on my face at the thought of him telling his parents about me.

ᴅᴀʏ 11.

On the day of the ultrasound, Kageyama asks me at what time he should pick me up and looks confused when I answer that I have a doctor's appointment after school, so I would be seeing him at home.

He knows I went to the doctor last week, and asks if it's ‘that bad’ and not wanting to give myself away, I answer with a simple ‘depends on how you see it’.

It's the wrong answer to give, if the way Kiyoomi’s phone is blasting off. He cocks his eyebrow at me, “Is there something I need to know?”

I blush and shake my head, “He can wait until after the appointment.”

Kiyoomi only tells him that he’s accompanying me… and then turns off his phone for the rest of the day.

We met at the front gates an hour before the appointment, and made our way there. Kiyoomi hands me a face mask before we board the bus and stands in front of my seat, making sure to glare at everyone that comes close to us. I giggle every time Kiyoomi death glares at someone coming our way, making them run to another place. Or when he holds my hand, tightly in his and death glares at everyone walking opposite from us… to walk away from us quickly.

He relaxes slightly when we get to the clinic, and fortunately passed in quickly since they didn’t have any other patient waiting. The doctor is nice and comforting, explaining what this first visit would be about and explaining what everything means in her patient sheet. Apparently, I would start showing soon, if the five pound I gained in two weeks was anything to go by. Kiyoomi’s eyes sparkled at that, his excitement apparent even with his mask on and I feel giddy about it.

When it's time to do what we came for, I reach out to hold Kiyoomi’s hand, only to see that he is already doing it. The doctor gives me a secretive smile as she warns me about the cold jelly and his thumb rubs against my hand, soothing me when I tighten my hand in his at the feeling of the jelly.

It’s only seconds later that we hear a heartbeat. It's strong, letting its presence known and I can feel myself tearing up.

“Can you hear that, mom and dad? It's your baby.” She moves the wand around my abdomen, until she finds a satisfying spot and points on the screen a curved blob, “And here they are.”

I cry a bit, feeling extremely emotional at the sound and sight of this baby. I want to take back my moments of doubt and hesitance. I won’t give this baby up, it's my baby. I turn around to look at Kiyoomi, only to find him just as teary eyed as me. We laugh at each other but he comes closer as we watch the baby on the screen filled with wonder.

That night when I come back to the apartment and show Kageyama the ultrasound of my baby, explaining everything he stays silent and walks away. When he comes back, he has a photo frame in his hand.

We both watch the picture on the coffee table, cuddling and wondering about their future.

ᴅᴀʏ 12.

I’m not surprised that Kiyoomi wants to go with me to see my parents, since he kind of worked his schedule around it that weekend. I am surprised to see him outside of the apartment complex in a sleek, black car that he will drive to my parents place. It's a quiet drive and the highway is filled with drivers that should have gone to a class or two before getting on the road. It's stressful and I hear Kiyoomi cuss them out underneath his breath about safety procedures, but he holds my hand the whole way there.

When we get to the house...

I wish my parents were a bit more shocked to see me arriving with Kiyoomi.

Instead they usher him in and I have to stop my mom from asking him to stay forever. My father is cold with him at first, but he steadily works his way up and soon they are acting like old pals, both of my parents showing pictures of me through different stages of my life.

Kiyoomi smiles at all of them and doesn’t move away when they lean close, though he does stiffen up a couple of times. I have to snap at them to leave him alone, just to get attacked myself. He watches amused as I blush in embarrassment, but still fight back stubbornly.

When I pull out the ultrasound from my bag and place it in front of them, I see them glance at each other from the corner of their eye, look at me and then look back at each other. I feel Kiyoomi’s large hand grip my thigh and squeeze it, trying to comfort me during the minutes of silence that pass as my parents have a mental chat.

“...Are you okay with this?”

I nod looking straight at them, expressions serious.

“How long are you?”

“14 weeks.”

“Is it… is-”

“The baby is Haji- Iwaizumi.”

They stay silent, watching both me and Kiyoomi, calculating.

“Will you stay with her?” My father asks him, voice cold.

Kiyoomi squeezes my thigh again, and leans forward, sliding his hand up to my knee. He looks at my mom first, then at my dad. There is no hesitation in his eyes, nor in his facial expression. With a complete confidence that I wish I could have, he answers, “As long as she let’s me.”

My parents look at him a bit longer and once they have their fill of whatever they are looking for, their eyes focus on me. I can see their shoulders relax and their body language opens up immediately. My mother smiles at me, giddy and holds up the picture, “I’m gonna be a grandma!”

That night, I walk to the Iwaizumi’s. Kiyoomi offered to go with me, but we both knew it would be in poor taste so he decided he’ll wait outside of the house, looking at the street to keep an eye on me… and my parents accompany him there as well. I can feel their eyes on my way there and by the time I reach the front door, they look small but ever present.

I have to knock a couple of times before his mother answers the door and from the shocked look on her face, I know I’m the last person she was expecting. I had grown up on this block, in this house and mine my whole life - even when Iwaizumi was in California, I would visit them every weekend and make sure they were alright. They had always received me with open arms and it brought me so much joy to know that we could have such a relationship, never having to doubt or feel uncomfortable.

But now it is, both of us have been standing at the entrance of the house, just looking at each other and the air is… chilly. Her expression gives nothing away, when it always held a smile to me. She would offer me to come in and have something to eat, but now she’s looking at me as if I had done something wrong. I didn’t like how this was going.

I still try though. “Hello Mrs. Iwaizumi,” I bow and give her a smile, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, hello YN.”

I can feel my heart pounding against my chest, “How have you been?”

She stays silent and looks at me from the tip of my head to the floor I am standing on, “Is there something you need, YN?”

Well, huh. I dropped my smile, confused by her reaction to me… I know I divorced Iwaizumi but she’s acting as if I ruined his life…

“Ah! Well, okay. I uh- I came to see if you knew about Hajime? I’ve been trying to contact him but he won’t answer.”

“Is it about the sale of the house? Are you not satisfied with how much you received?” Her voice is haughty, and I wonder if that is the reason for her behavior.

“No? I’m okay with that, I would have been fine with nothing as well… I need to speak to him about something… private.” I wasn’t about to say, ‘You’re son and I had sex the night before I asked for a divorce, and the result of that came in the shape of a baby.’

“I’m sorry, YN. I am not comfortable with you speaking to him again.”

… Maybe I should have.

I laugh a bit strained, and tilt my head confused, “I- I know the divorce has been hard on everyone, but its really urgent and important-”

“Look, YN,” she steps outside of her house and meets my eyes head on, filled with fire, “Iwaizumi has told us what happened, everything and while we do know that he is at fault there is a small part of me that blames you. It is… wrong to blame you for it but you should have seen him, YN. He looked devastated and lost, he looked like he had just lost his entire life and I” she looks at me teary, “I can’t let him be like that again, YN.

She sighs, absentmindedly shaking her hand, “He left for California to get away from it all and he won’t be coming back anytime soon. I’m sorry if it's private and important, but I don’t think it can’t wait until he comes back. Until he has healed from this.”

I try again, “But-”

“No, YN.” She steps inside of her house, without looking back at me, “Let him be.”

She doesn’t see that when she closes the door, she also closes off the part she had in my heart.

When I walk back home, no one asks me how it went, they don't need to when the first thing I do is curl up in-between Kiyoomi and my mom, crying about a loss that wasn't mine.

rubatosis | \ ru-bê-to-sis \ | (n.): the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat. I am here, I am here, I am here.

a/n! this chapter... is much longer than usual. i think its around 6K? but there is a lot of elements happening now and I didn't want it to be split up.

now that this chapter is finished, i can go and read fics that i've been sitting on from last week :) ♥

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

petrichor ‹ masterlist › rubatosis

𝐍𝐞𝐟𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬

I have never considered myself a good man.

There was once a time that I was a good boy, but never a good man. The divorce papers that have been signed and processed are evidence of it, a failed marriage and a lost friendship for my mistakes, my errors.

There have been moments I’ve wanted to reach out to her, to call her, my finger hovering over her contact in my phone.

My little mochi.

But I never do it, I know better than that, I can’t let myself be selfish, not after everything I did to her and everything that will come from it. I go and visit my hometown once I have the weekend off only to find my parents getting ready to go to YN’s family reunion. My heart beats faster at the thought of seeing YN again but I know in my mind that she won’t be there. It takes my parents asking why I didn’t bring YN with me to realize that I haven’t told anyone about the divorce, about what happened and I’m filled with dread at the realization that I have to tell them.

I have to tell my parents the scum of a son that they have.

I’m not sure what possessed me to actually go to the reunion with my parents, all I can think about is YN telling her parents, the same ones that had always welcomed me with open arms since we were children. Her parents that I had long ago seen as my own, had been my parents in-laws for almost a year and now I am their enemy.

I can’t help the bitter chuckle that comes out of my mouth, I’m my own enemy as well.

I feel my father’s hand on top of my shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze and I turn to face them, I want to beg them to go back home and let me face this alone, let me take this burden on my own but the look they give me as I open my mouth shuts it just as quick. They’ll never leave me, even if I beg.

It's the same look YN gave me when she left, that it didn’t matter how much I begged for her to stay, she never would.

With that in mind, I walk up to her parents filled with determination. Her aunt, Jae’s mother, calls out and asks where YN is, but I don’t answer.

As soon as I’m in front of her parents and their guarded faces, I do the only thing I can.

I kneel and rest my head on the grass, a few inches away from their feet and suddenly it's all quiet, still as if time had stopped moving. I wish it had, months ago, maybe then I wouldn’t have fucked up as much as I did.

“There is nothing in this world that could ever amount to a payment for your forgiveness, and I will not ask for one because I do not deserve it. I truly don’t. You gave me your treasure, the light of your life and I”, my hands clenching my thighs at the sudden rush of emotions that threaten to swallow me whole, “I humiliated her, disgraced her, dishonored her in every way shape and form. There is nothing in this world that I could possibly do to win her heart back, no amount of love and care could ever fix our ruptured relationship and I have never been so ashamed, so disgusted with myself for it.”

I can feel the tears in my eyes as I sit back on my feet, still kneeling in front of them and their emotionless faces. I deserve this and worse, much much worse.

“I should have told you the truth, told all of you the truth and found a solution, found another answer than just ignoring everything and marrying YN. I should have been honest with her and instead I broke a vow during the wedding ceremony. But most importantly I should have never thought that any woman would be better than YN.”

I heard a collective gasp around me, the scornful looks of others but I would not turn around to see, I needed her parents to see that I truly and absolutely am miserable after everything. They needed to see the honesty that came in too late to fix her broken heart.

“I never should have slept with Jae.”

The silence was deafening and some of the eyes I felt on me were not there anymore, I didn’t need to look to figure out where they had gone.

“The hell are you doing!?” She hissed at, I suppose, me.

“I was dating Jae even before marrying YN. We had been together during our teen years and when I moved to California, we broke things off. When I came back I tried to repair my old relationship with Jae but it was proven that it wouldn’t happen and instead I married YN. I brought YN into a situation that she didn’t deserve, I dragged her into my affairs without concern and I-” I feel like I’m choking, my chest heavy and the tears I was trying so hard to contain make their way down my cheeks.

“She loved me so much, she was willing to do so much for me and I took all of it for granted. I was so blinded by my past, that I never stopped for a second to look at her. I never stopped to see the love and care in her eyes, one that she’s had for me for so many years.”

YN’s mother had started crying now and her father’s face was full of remorse. They couldn’t keep their emotions locked up and I was grateful for that, to finally see just how much damage I had actually done with all my secrets.

“I never deserved YN’s love, and I should have never taken it.”

I finally looked back at Jae, a murderous look on her face. Her mother and father angrily whispered at her as she pushed them away. Everyone was looking at her, so many emotions on so many faces.

She backed up from the circle that had formed when I kneeled, “You believe this asshole? Why would I ever do something like that to her? She’s my cousin!”

I knew she wouldn’t be expecting this, I knew she didn’t know about the divorce or just how fractured YN and I came to be after the face off months ago. But the anger I felt that day? The way she spoke to YN and about YN? I will never forgive or forget it, if she was so fixated on hurting her then the least I could do is give it back.

We’re not married anymore, nor are we friends, but I will always have your back YN. Just like you’ve had mine.

I stand facing her, “You sure about that?”

“Yes.” Jae tries to keep a straight face, but it's all cracked and open, she only needs a little push before it all comes falling down.

“Alright then.” I pulled out my phone and put on the video that she sent to YN on that last night. Throwing it on the table in the center, letting everyone see and hear her words and my grunts, as well as our bodies, are very visible and condemning. I saw the entire family realize what had happened and how honest I was.

I saw how for the first time ever, instead of YN, it was Jae being outcaste.

I turn to look at my parents and they seem proud, for what I’m not sure, but at least I did something right. I didn’t leave the fault of our separation on YN's shoulders.

I feel a light tap on my shoulder and see that her parents had come towards me, her father handing me my phone back.

“We are not the ones that you should be begging for forgiveness, Iwaizumi.” Her father says with solemn eyes, always seeming much wiser than what it should be for his age.

“For what its worth, kid, you did good on getting that shit off of my baby.”

I nod, “I should be going.”

I turn and along with my parents, we make our way to the exit only for Jae to intercept my way, her face right up in mine. “I can’t believe you’d put it on me. You’re the one that cheated!”

I feel anger bubble inside of my chest, I never expected her to take her share of the blame, but this? Is she trying to play off what she did? Fuck no. This wasn’t going to fly by, not anymore.

“You,” I point at her chest, snarling, “are even worse than me. You want to know why? You’re her family and she loved you long before she even met me. You decided that since she’s prettier than you, smarter than you and overall a much better person than you, that you would ruin her life; I hope you get what you deserve, you ice cold bitch.”

I walk past her, shoving my shoulder against hers and continue my way. I hear her protest, I hear her family shouting, yelling, demanding answers and I smile at it.

If I’m going down, you’re going down with me.

I have never considered myself a good man.

Not when I was younger, not when I was in high school, not even after graduating University did I consider myself a good man.

But you, oh you YN, you made me wish I was. You still make me wish I was a good man. A man worthy of your love, your care, your appreciation, I wish I had just tried.

My cell phone vibrates in my pants leg, but I don't go to answer it, just like I have done for the past 50 unanswered calls. I know it's from Oikawa or Mattsun or Makki, I know it's because they are worried, but I can't seem to care at the moment as I watch her, as I watch you walking through campus to head home. To your own home, with Kageyama and it makes me so anxious to think that you might turn around and see me here, watching you pathetically without having done anything to help you.

I get up from where I am sitting and follow you at a safe distance, blending myself in between sleep deprived students that don't seem to realize that I'm not a student, and I am grateful for it.

There are so many things I want to say to you YN, but I can't do it without being selfish because at the end of it all, I just want you to come back. I want you to say that you miss me and that you will stay with me forever, like you promised as kids, like you promised in our wedding vows and that is exactly why I can't reach out to you, my lovely YN.

Because I never considered myself a good man, but now? I see myself as the worst man to walk on earth and deep down, I'm actually kind of happy that you left me. That you sent those divorce papers and managed to tell me face to face what you wanted. The little YN that used to hide behind my back is now a beautiful, strong woman and I can see it from the way you are walking with your head held high and back straight, the confidence you never had has finally come out.

As you smile from something one of your accompanying classmates says, I think her name is Liz, I can't help but mirror it. You've always had such a beautiful smile, I should have treasured all the ones you gave me.

I see her nudge your ribcage and give you a conspiring look before walking away, only for a young man to take place on your other side.

I can see the way you blush at him approaching you, I can see the way your body accommodates to his proximity comfortably and it's enough for me to know that his company, his closeness is reciprocated and it takes a moment for me to recognize him.

I've seen his name and face since high school, an absolute monster on and off the court and outside of it, his names on so many roosters on so many teams recruitment lists and even rumors about him joining the Olympic team.

A monster ace and natural talent for so many years. There he is, standing in front of you relaxed even though you are surrounded by people and his germaphobia must be on the roof.

I see you smile and nod, for a moment I wonder what it could be about and it brings pain that I had not felt in a while, the prospect of you dating someone hurts like hell. But you seem happy, so incredibly happy, that it makes the hard decision I'm about to take a thousand times easier. I continue to walk and pass by your side unrecognized. I catch glimpses of words between the both of you but I pay no mind to it, there's only so much pain I can take in one day.

It makes the decision he’s been sitting on for a while much easier.

You won't miss me, but I sure as fuck will miss you, mochi.

"Iwaizumi?"

He finally calls her a day or two later, and he wonders for a second if its a mistake to have done so. It had been a long time since he last heard her voice, sweet and lovely, strong and willed. When he was younger, he and his friends had thought that her voice would be one that angels have, but he now knows how utterly wrong they were.

It was the sound of a goddess and he was a devout follower, ready on his knees for your orders.

The apology you deserve as on the tip of his tongue, ready to pour out instead of what he had initially called for.

"Iwaizumi? Are you there?" He didn't realize that he had spaced out longer than acceptable, he hears a deep voice on your side asking if everything is alright, one he knows that it isn't Kageyama's, "I don't know, he's not answering."

The flare of jealousy that rises in his chest makes him feel disgusted. He has no right to feel this way about you and your relationship with the other man, if there even is one. But green has always been his favorite color, and the apology dies immediately.

"I didn't know you were busy."

His voice is cold and cut clean, the soft hum of confirmation is an indicator that he was being unnecessarily mean, but the memory of you and him was bothering him more than it previously had, probably because its 9 pm and you're out with him.

"Yeah, but it's fine, I'm just doing homework with my project partner."

"Isn't the library closed?"

"Yes, it is."

They're either at Kageyama's or his and it makes him see red for a second before he takes hold of it and swallows it all down. He needs to get himself in check, she does not owe him anything and can do what she wants.

I owe her my life, though.

"Is there a reason you called me Iwaizumi? I'm sorry to cut you short, but I really need to finish this, we've been on it for hours and its still not done." He hears a deep sigh on the other line, and its a tired one.

Just think that they are tired of working and not of you interrupting something. You know her, she wouldn't do that kind of stuff with anyone.

"Yeah, I'm starving... oh! Check to see if Onigiri Miya is open - I can ask Tobio to pick it up for us."

It doesn't make him feel better.

"I'm selling the house, I wanted to know if you want anything from inside of if its alright to sell it with the furniture?"

He hears silence on the other line before, "I don't have anything left there to take."

My heart, you left my heart there months ago and have yet to come back for it. I don't want it nor do I need it without you. He wants to say, instead he mutters, "Sounds good, you'll get half of the money and I'll have the other half. There's already a buyer but I had to ask about the furniture first since he wants it. His fiancé loved the décor."

He's not sure why he mentioned about the buyers relationship status, but whatever it was he didn't receive it.

"That's good, I worked hard to make it look nice, at least it wasn't in vain."

Her words are a direct punch in his gut, one he won't even block or deflect. He deserves that and more.

"I heard what you did on the weekend... Are you're parents okay?"

The concern in her voice is enough to bring tears into his eyes, why do you have to be so nice?

"They're fine, I made sure the blame was placed to the right people. You don't have to worry about any of it."

"You didn't have to do that... but I appreciate it."

His heart skips a beat and he's about to say something he shouldn't when he's interrupted. He hears the deep voice on her line and he can't catch what he says, "Oh, but I love Onigiri Miya tuna one. What else do they have?"

His mind starts to imagine a million things that rip his heart apart and before he knows it, he's saying goodbye without waiting for a reply. He shuts his phone off and is met with the darkness of the room, only the moon illuminating the crevices of it.

He had once watched the light of the moon curl and lay on her naked skin, smooth against his calloused hands trailing all of it as he would pull her closer to his body until she fit right against him. She always fit perfectly in his arms.

She'll probably fit better in his now.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

He feels relieved by the decisions he's been making though, little by little he's getting rid of everything that reminds him of YN. The last being the most life changing of all.

It isn't until hours later that he realizes he didn't even say why he was selling the house nor gave her a head up.

He didn't say what he actually wanted to say because he was jealous.

Will I get another chance to call her or see her?

He doesn't think about an answer, his heart wouldn't be able to take the answer right now.

There’s an old memory that plagues Iwaizumi’s mind from time to time, one that he used to be so fond of, now curses his very existence. It was from when you both were toddlers, when you would come over and have a sleepover in his backyard.

It was a beautiful night, full of stars and wishes. It must have been in November since it was chilly but not enough to make you want to go inside, just sitting out in the grass with one of his hoodies that was always too big on you.

It wouldn’t be years until he meets Jae for the first time, when the rabbit hole starts and he falls into it, no; these were easier days where only you and him existed.

He missed those days terribly.

He recalls your soft voice, singing an old lullaby that your mother would chant at home when your mind was plagued by nightmares. He never knew what they were about, all he knew was that the way you cried yourself awake and shaking made him hate them, hate whoever gave them to you.

He would always sing along with you once it was coming to the end, loving the sweet smile you gave him, giggling at his antics and leaning on his side, waiting for the arm that always came around to hug you, to pull you closer, way back then.

He’s not sure why this memory pops up every single time he travels, but he isn’t complaining, not really. It puts his mind at ease, especially after taking the job offer so fast. He didn’t even think it through and went along with the process even before he went to spy on you at Uni, before putting the house up for sale.

He never got to apologize to you and all because he didn’t know how to face you. He couldn’t really do it and if the time ever came, he hoped you would listen to him, if not he would be okay with it by then, he hopes.

His phone vibrates and he’s aware that someone is calling him, but by the time he pulls out his phone the call has been interrupted, the screen going black. He tries to turn it on again with no such luck.

He doesn’t worry though, he can always get a new one once he’s landed in California.

nefarious | \nəˈferēəs\ | (adj.): evil or immoral, (typically of an action or activity) wicked or criminal.

a/n! oh my oh my, what is happening? I'M BACK ON TRACK WITH MY POSTING LOVES! ps - i think i'm going to start posting much longer chapters to encapsulate what is happening to everyone :)

ps. i love reading your comments and tags - its very much appreciated, and i might not answer them or be late to answer, its just that i'm overwhelmed to see you all like it♥ thank you! i will see you soon for the next chp!~

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

have you ever ‹ masterlist › denouement

tw! manipulation, mentioned underage sex, dubious consent, cheating. i also want to point out that reader is around 2-3 years younger than Iwaizumi, while Jae and Iwa are the same age. ps. this is a long chp :)

𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞

Iwaizumi has no idea of what has possessed him tonight. He doesn't know why he's walking around the city in the middle of the night a day before he should be on his way home.

He doesn't know why after the celebration he didn't follow his teammates. He doesn't know why he has barely answered your texts since after the game.

He also doesn't know why he agreed to go and see Jae, to hear her out.

He's been doing fine so far, seven months Jae clean and while the first three were bumpy; your company had made it easier to deal with. Your cheerfulness, your happiness, the adventures you've both have been planning have taken his mind off the broken heart he was nursing.

She continued to contact him, even when he begged her not to and blocking her phone was no use, she just got a new one and tried again and again. His resolve was diluted and he knew it would be a matter of time before he fell into his old habits.

lil jae: congrats on the win haji! let me invite you to a drink, im in town.

-

Iwaizumi recalls an old memory from back in high school, a few weeks before moving to California, you were sitting on his bed helping him organize his suitcase with 'essentials'. His clothes all over the place but as always, you showed enthusiasm at helping him out.

He remembers you giggling and calling him a dork while folding his Godzilla themed underwear and placing it inside his suitcase. He remembers the way you hummed some songs that you had just placed on your shared playlist because 'it's kinda your style' and it kinda is. He even remembers what you were wearing, a pair of black running shorts and a blue tank top. When you reached over the edge of his bed for his fallen socks, your cleavage was visible to his eyes, 'If a man ever peers down his shirt', he thought, 'I'll kill him without hesitating.'

But what he remembers the most is you pulling out an old shoe box from under said bed, a shoe box that held his most treasured things. Pictures from his childhood that matched the ones on your bedroom wall, doddles from your hand, your favorite flowers pressed inside a copy of your favorite book, short stories and poems, snippets of stories never finished from you. He'll never forget your teary eyes and happy smile when he took the box from you, emptying the contents carefully inside his backpack. The hug you gave him afterward still sets his heart on fire, nothing has ever been more lovely than you and your happy smile.

He also remembers Jae coming into his room right during your hug, wearing an empty smile on her face, her eyes red and raging. He's only ever seen her this mad whenever he's with you and he still doesn't get it.

She stay's to "help" when in reality all she does is glare at yn the whole time. It helps that you don't even mind the glares or the bad mood, joking that 'Jae's grumpy because we couldn't go to the movies today'.

It was late afternoon when you left, Iwaizumi had given you a bag filled with some of his stuff - things he knew you loved and adored, things he couldn't take. He watched you get inside your parents car and wave him goodbye, even though you both knew he'd be coming through your window in a few hours for movie night.

He remembers when he came back inside to find Jae naked on his bed. How angry she was and how she took it out on sex, the tension so palpable he could taste it. Once it was over, she walked towards his backpack and pulled out all of YN's things and that's when it clicked. She was mad because he was taking stuff about YN and not her, she made it clear when Jae told him, 'What the fuck is this.'

-

He remembers that hours later, he finds himself in your room squeaky clean and wearing nothing but his sweatpants and socks, his back against your front with his head against your breasts. He hadn't told you that Jae broke up with him, but he knew you had figured out he was sad because your arms cradled him since he got situated there and had not moved since.

How Jae said she wouldn't move with him in the end. How she had decided to stay in Japan and have him go to California all alone in the end, just because she wanted him to. How he begged her to come, to stay with him, to not leave him and how he watched her get dressed to go home. How she winked at him as she left with a, "Call me once you're in Cali."

How she only wants to go out when she knows he has plans with you. How she only cares about him when you're around or how messed up and used he feels ever since she took his virginity during your 14th birthday party.

He feels disgusting sometimes after sex with Jae, disgusted with himself on how wrong it is but how much he loves her still.

He didn't have to say any of that to you, the kiss on the forehead you just gave him eased it all away anyway.

-

He remembers all of this while he's kissing Jae in her hotel room, her dress and underwear discarded somewhere in the room, his cock buried deep inside of her like a starved man, Her nails racking down his chest from his unbuttoned shirt as she moaned at the feeling.

When Jae separates herself from him with half lidded eyes, she smirks, "I bet my little cousin can't even kiss right, the little virgin." She kisses the column of his neck, grazing her teeth against the skin, getting ready to mark him as hers and even though he doesn't agree with her, he stays quiet.

A memory burst through his mind as he pounds into Jae. The way your sighed his name when he settled himself inside of you, the way your nails scratched his back when he hit your G-spot, the way you moaned when his thumb circled your clit; your gummy, tight walls griped him as you came, with his name on your lips. Your soft, pillow lips that have only been his, only kissed him.

"Be safe out there, Hajime! I'll be waiting for you!" She smiled as she kissed him goodbye by the front door.

He turned to deepen the kiss, pulling her closer to him like a starved man, "Don't worry, I'm not gonna runaway, mochi."

As he walked down the steps of his house, he heard her say "I miss you already."

It's then that Iwaizumi snaps out of it.

He pushes her off of him and steps back until his back is against the wall, feeling disgusted with himself in a way he hasn't since they broke up.

"I can't do this, I won't do this, I-" he pushes himself off the wall, tucking himself in and picking up his stuff, "Never again, Jae."

Jae watches him leave, a sinister smile spreading across her face. Her gaze steady as his figure disappears into the night, "If you think you can just up and go, Haji, you are very mistaken."

She walks to where she hid her phone and chuckles as she presses send, "Lets see what my little cousin has to say, hmm?"

-

Iwaizumi was worried, it wasn't normal for you to not answer his calls or texts. He was on the road back home with the team, their ruckus would usually give him a headache, but right now? Right now he can't focus on anything except the little 'unread' mark at the bottom of his last text to you.

my one: mochi? r u ok? im on my way back home

-

He didn't expect to come back home and find you in the living room in silence. Your eyes rimmed red and puffy from crying, you didn't have to say anything for him to know what had happened.

Jae told you.

He wish he could be surprised, but Jae had been nothing but a devil all this time and he can't believe he never saw it until now. Until he married you, an angel.

"Mochi, I'm sorry. I'm very very sorry, please talk to me." He knelt at your feet, his hands on your knees trying to get you to look at him. His guilt crashing down brick by brick, he should have never gone out to see her.

"I know this means nothing to you, mochi. But I'll never see her again, only when its a family reunion or you're with me."

Silence.

"There is no excuse, but yn, please, look at me, let me explain."

She pushes him off a bit, without much force as if her sadness took away all her strength and his heart clenched. How could he do this to his best friend? Lie and lie, again and again and again.

YN-”

“No, STOP! You- you got your say, now it’s my turn.” She's shaking and her breaths are short. She's starting to have a panic attack.

I get up and advance towards her slowly, “YN you need to calm down. Here,” I place my hand on her back, “let me-”

She pushes me off, her back towards me, “Please, don’t touch me. Please, please, please.” She's sobbing and its hurts so so much.

It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

“Remember your breathing exercises, mochi. In and out. In…”

Eventually her breathing normalizes but she still won't look at me and it takes all of my strength to not touch her.

“All I ever wanted was for you to love me, Hajime.”

Whoever said words can never hurt someone, has never been in my place. She just stabbed me without a knife and its more painful than I ever imagined.

“I wanted you to love me, to see me as your wife, as a woman but you didn’t. You don’t and I- it hurts so much.”

“But, mochi, you said you would marry me so we didn’t end up with strangers.”

“I know.”

“Then why-”

“I lied. I’ve loved you since the moment you came into my life. I’ve loved you for years, even before Jae came into the picture. I’ve loved you so so so much, I love you so much.”

“… you know about Jae? Since when?!” I made the mistake of reaching out for her, she pushed me back and said nothing. The dread of her knowing, of her finding out before today makes me sick.

“If you knew then why did you marry me!? Did you think I would change? That my feelings would change? You know I’m not like that.”

“I do know. I- thought that maybe-, but then it was clear that nothing would change but, I made a promise to you and I said it in our vows.”

“YN-”

“I know the mistake is mine. I know what all the blame is mine to take, I know it and I accept it. I’m sorry, Hajime, that’s me that you have to stay with.”

She finally turns to look at me, but I wish she hadn't. The tears are flowing steadily down her cheeks to her neck. I did this to her, I hurt her again and again, without thinking. No, without watching. Because if I had paid attention to her like Jae did, I might have seen it sooner.

“We could get a divorce, you know. That way you can stop getting hurt. Stop your heart from breaking. You don’t deserve this.”

“It’s okay. I- I give you permission to do it, to break my heart forever.”

“…What?”

She takes my hand, and in-between the tears she smiles at me as if her heart wasn't breaking in two. As if I didn't shatter her dreams for a few sloppy seconds, “It’s okay, I know what I signed up for, I knew it from the beginning. I guess I just didn’t want to accept it. So go ahead, break my heart, break it into a million pieces! I give you permission, Iwaizumi Hajime, please just - don’t leave me.”

I can't say anything, what am I supposed to say? My sweet, sweet girl is hurt and damaged and all she wants is for me to stay. I feel disgusted in a way I never did with Jae, because instead of being used, I am using her.

I bring her into my arms, and say the only words that have actual meaning between us, "I love you, mochi."

"I- I'll do better, I promise. Please YN," He gripped her shoulders tightly, "Please forgive me, I'll do whatever just, I'm so sorry, baby."

He can feel the tears spilling onto his shirt, a scorching pain expanding through his chest at the consequences of his actions. He hurt the one person who didn't deserve it, who he promised to keep safe and happy.

"Hajime, please take a bath, I wanna sleep without the smell of Jae."

His heart dropped at her words, he forgot that he had just upped and left from Jae's, only changing his clothes for comfort. His skin still smelled like her. As he separated from her, he kissed her forehead, "Join me?"

-

He laid on the bed with her hours later, her head on his chest where he could see her puffy eyes. She had washed him thoroughly to the point were he thought she had scrubbed him raw, and he couldn't blame her - he wanted to do the same since the beginning.

He pulled her closer, practically on top of him and felt her heartbeat against his own. He had done something terrible and he needed to fix it, fix this. So he needed to take the first step.

to lil jae: for someone who says they love me, u sure like to make me miserable. i don't know why u hate yn so much and tbh i don't care anymore. i don't want to see u or talk to u ever again. if u contact me, i'm gonna get a restraining order, jae. i can't do this anymore.

to lil jae: goodbye jae.

do you wish to block this number?

yes.

Remorse is memory awake, Her companies astir,— A presence of departed acts At window and at door.

Its past set down before the soul,         And lighted with a match, Perusal to facilitate Of its condensed despatch.

Remorse is cureless,—the disease Not even God can heal;         For ’t is His institution,— The complement of hell.

Remorse is memory awake - Emily Dickinson

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! *hands you all this and runs* i'll see you soon for chp11~

but in all seriousness, i wrote this chapter with my heart on my sleeve. love is truly the strongest curse and for it to be unrequired? imagine it.

now, i'm off to write the next part! and i am sorry :) ♥

[hitozy]

remorse is memory awake ‹ masterlist › desiderium

𝐃𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

"What does love mean to me?" He repeated the words his lover asked. Confusion evident in his voice and face. His brow deepened and lips pursed, thoughtful as if it had never occurred to him that he would ask this question.

Meanwhile his lover, stood in front of him. The determination evident in his eyes as he watched his expression. While he is resigned at the thought that the man does not know the meaning of love, he is hopeful that maybe, there is a part of him that can understand it globally, generally. He keeps his gaze steady, his hands slightly trembling in anticipation of his lovers answer.

"Love," he gestures at the air, "Love to me is-"

/deletes last sentence/

"Love is-"

/deletes again/

I groan in frustration once again, as I look and the script for the nth time, not being able to pass this particular scene. My mind utter chaos at what had happened yesterday and the memories of the weeks before that.

I'm not sure what love is.

Authors note: Please continue the line, Min. Sorry for giving you all of the romance lines, having more problems with the romantic stuff than I thought.

It was midday when I went back into the room to check up on Iwaizumi. He had gotten in late from the away game and after the breakdown, he surely was exhausted, but he never stayed in this late.

He was in deep sleep, clutching my pillow against his body. His face relaxed and tranquil, something I had seen only a few times since we were children and yet it was always wonderful, it was so rare to catch him without any armor on.

Any other day I would have joined him, taken the place where my pillow was settled and felt his muscles grip me tightly against him, the sound of his heartbeat willing me to sleep and forget of my troubles and writers block. But today isn't like any other day and feeling him around me, his smell, his soul, just makes my chest ache.

Before I head out, I leave a note beside his head so he doesn't worry. It's the least I can do.

Hajime, I need time. YN

The walk doesn't do anything to clear my mind.

I've always known that Hajime had never seen me as anything other than his best friend, anything other than family but, after these few weeks there had been a fleeting moment where I could have sworn he was seeing me differently.

But after seeing the video sent last night...

Talking to Hajime was something I couldn't avoid, I needed to talk and resolve matter with him, given the fact that we live together and are married. But I needed to talk to Jae as well.

She had been my closest cousin, my sister in every way. She knew all my secrets and would stay up until late listening to me talk about my crush. She was the first person to know about my feelings towards Iwaizumi and promised to never speak a word.

'If you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?'

The anxiety I had swallowed the day before came crashing to me like a ice cold wave, I had to sit down for a moment feeling my legs and hands shaking uncontrollably. How did it get to this? Why did it get this bad?

I pulled out my phone and called the only person who never judged me, who kept our friendship a secret and I knew could be trusted.

"YN?"

"Hi," it came out broken, barely a sound at all, "Hey, um... are you busy?" I tried hard to make myself sound louder, to make sure they can hear me.

"Not really... are you okay?"

"I- , I- um, I'm at the park where we used to hang out. I- I-" I'm not okay. I want to say it but the words couldn't come out, the memories of my family and classmates ringing in my ears after so many years.

So needy.

So clingy.

So unlovable.

My chest constricted and in the back of my mind I could recall this happening yesterday. My ears pounded at the sound of my heartbeat, aching and destroying the sounds around me. Disorientating me completely from reality and I wished, I wished it would all stop and end. I held my head between my hands and tried very hard to breathe.

Is this what it feels like to drown? How horrible.

Air didn't seem to pass to my lungs, and the tears, the sobs raked out of my body. Why, why, why...

I felt a hand rubbing my back all of a sudden, the sound of their voice muffled for a bit until I could focus.

"YN, please breathe, I don't know what's wrong but I'm here. Come one, breathe," Called out from the other side of the line.

I breathed.

And breathed.

And breathed.

The darkness, the wrapped colors of the world began to take their original form. My body ached, my head ached, everything hurt and yet I felt completely numb, like as if I had done extraneous exercise and was cooling down.

"You okay now?"

I realized I had dropped my phone during the whole ordeal, and the voice was not coming from it, but beside me. I turned to meet his eyes, the same ones that consoled me all those years ago in middle school after being pushed around from the 'popular' kids, the ones that cried after a hard practice. The ones that belonged to my most trusted and yet secret companion.

I reached out and pulled him close to me, hiding my head underneath his head, on his chest and hugged him tightly. I cried uncontrollably onto his sweater without a care, feeling everything wash away along with my tears. It took them a moment to reciprocate my hug, awkward as always but caring in his own way. They patted my back and whispered words of condolence. "Please talk to me YN, you look like shit."

I giggled at their words, as blunt as always but the happiness lasted for only a second. The incidents that had transpired these past month making me sympathize with Atlas, the weight of the world on my shoulders is a terrible thing. I looked up at him, at his concerned eyes.

"Why does this hurt so much?"

It took a while to get my shit 'together' enough for him to haul my ass to his place. Entering his apartment was so familiarly unfamiliar, the walls held little to nothing, he had a couch and a tv and that's it. It was 95% bare, which was barely surprising since it was his style.

"Why did you bring me here?"

He gave me a look of disdain, "You wanted me to leave you out on the street in plain panic attack?"

"No, I mean, I thought you would be practicing or something, you're usually busy."

He hummed as he walked out of the kitchen holding two mugs, "I was but I finished early and you always make a fuss when I 'overwork' myself. As if I were that stupid." He passed me one of the mugs, chamomile tea with honey. I smiled at the thought of him remembering my favorite type of drink when stressed.

He watched me take a sip with his big blueberry eyes, always filled with curiosity and honesty. Whoever said that Kageyama Tobio was emotionless, didn't really know him. He's been through a lot, so he's not good with emotions, but its there and he tries much more than others I know.

"So," he seems hesitant but determined to say whatever is on his mind, he looks at me straight in the eye, "You're having martial problems? Regrets?"

I stay silent, not knowing what to say, so he diverts into another thing to get me talking.

"I'm sorry I didn't go to your wedding. I did want to but-"

"You played that day right? Against those lemurs," you smile "it was an amazing back set that made Wakatoshi break the wall, I thought he was going to break someone's arm!"

He looked at me, bewildered, "You watched it?" He blushed, "Weren't you enjoying your wedding night?"

I shrug, "Not really, and even if I was, I wouldn't have missed it, Tobio."

"Well, still I am sorry. Would've liked to see you all dressed up in white." He chuckles, "Even though I would've fought with Oikawa all night long.

"But YN, didn't you say that you loved Iwaizumi? Why aren't you... happy?"

I can feel the tears return, the pathetic feeling in my soul coming back to life that I was pushing back as to not trouble him, until I felt his warm hand holding mine. "YN, let it go."

The small voice comes back, asking me the same thing, "If you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?"

Tobio, I think as I clutch the front of his shirt, his warm palm rubbing my back, soothing away all the pain, I can always trust Tobio. I'm so stupid to not have come to him before.

Sharing the bed with Kageyama was a strange experience.

We had only had a few sleepovers when we were younger from him staying until late getting tutored, when Iwaizumi had found his 'boyfriends' and left me a bit to the side, it must have also been around the time he began to date Jae.

Our friendship had been strange, we met when he was in the volleyball club and Iwaizumi had mentioned him being a prodigy. I had tried to speak to him, unsuccessfully until the day Oikawa almost attacked him. He had left the gym in a hurry, not even noticing me until we smacked down on the ground.

He seemed so afraid and my chest hurt a bit, he was trying his best and everyone was pushing him to much. I helped him up and took him to the nurses office to check for anything. After that, whenever Iwaizumi wasn't around me, I found myself in Kageyama's company. He was strange and blunt, but I liked it. I preferred that than the usually fake smiles all of the other girls gave me just to catch the older boys attention.

He was always a volleyball fanatic, and me being friends with one made it easy to get along. When his grandfather passed away, Kags fell hard and pushed so many people away, when I found out he was going to Karasuno, I was afraid of what could happen since his personality tends to get in the way but when I saw him win the interhigh with that little tangerine, my worries vanished, especially when I got a text from him simply saying, "Wanna catch up?"

I never told Iwaizumi about it, about Kageyama and I because it was... complicated. Because Oikawa doesn't like him and Iwaizumi tends to take it personally even if he tries to be the bigger man. So Kageyama and I keep it a secret, one of many between us.

I sent a text to Iwaizumi once Kageyama agreed to let me stay over, letting him know that I was at a friends house and would be staying there at night. I ignored the way my heart clenched at his 'Stay safe, mochi, i miss you♥'; I wanted to believe his words badly, but I couldn't forgive and forget, not right now, not when its so fresh.

He held my hand as we laid face to face on the bed, I could see one of his blue eyes looking at me thoughtfully through the moonlight of the curtain less windows (this boy is a mess).

"Spit it out already, Tobio."

"You should go with Connie."

"Connie?" The name ringed a bell but I couldn't put a face to it, "Who's Connie?"

"She's one of Iwaizumi's friends from middle school, big round glasses, short hair."

"Oh my God, Mattsun's forever crush Connie?" He had a crush on her since middle school, always fawning over how beautiful she was and how lovely her eyes are. As they grew up, he just kept on falling harder for her but he never confessed or mentioned it. Even now, he still looks at her with so much longing that it makes me wonder if that's how I used to look when I was with Iwaizumi.

Sad and in love.

"That's the one, she's also my therapist."

I gasped, gripping his hand tightly, "You go to therapy?"

He shook our hands to loosen my grip and intertwined our fingers, laughing softly, "Yeah I do, have been for the past three years but I just switched to Connie. She's nicer than the other ones that I had and she actually doesn't know me other than being on the Adlers."

He pushed by hair out of my face, "I think you should go to therapy, YN. I think you haven't been in a good place for a while now and I'm worried, because I don't know since when."

He kissed my forehead after a few minutes of silence, his recommendation shocking me, "Just think about it okay? It's not good to drown because of someone else and I don't think I could take Iwaizumi in a fair fight yet, I need to buff up a bit more."

I burst out laughing loudly and unreserved for the first time in months. He joined me chuckling, his eyes scrunched up like it always does when he's happy.

Since when was Kageyama Tobio so cool?

de·noue·ment / dā-ˌnü-ˈmä (n.): the outcome of a complex sequence of events.

Example: In a sad denouement to a perfect love story, the groom left the bride at the altar.

a/n! just as I promised, two weeks later and we are back, baby! i think i never mentioned it, but iwaizumi and yn live in tokyo. also, new format, hi~

hope you enjoy this new chapter :)

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

filipendulous ‹ masterlist › enubilous

𝐄𝐩𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥

"I did something really good, in an extraordinarily bad way and I feel like a sparkly piece of shit." Is the first thing I say once Connie closes her office door for our weekly therapy session.

I've been coming for the past three and a half months, never postponing no matter how I feel or what I need to do, because the truth is that once I pour out my heart and soul, I go out and get inside Kageyama's car feeling much lighter - and that's enough to motive me to come back.

I had been doing well, so so well, but now...

"Okay, alright, calm down and tell me what happened." I take the stress ball that she hands to me, and she waits patiently until I can collect my thoughts.

I look at her once I feel a bit more calm, the guilt spreading through my body just as it had done since last night and I'm a bit worried at what she might say.

But I also need her to know and help me, because if not, I might not go through it.

Kageyama left for a two week training camp and while he seemed worried about leaving me alone, I was ecstatic. I adore him with all my heart, but I had been wanting a bit of me time since I left the house, the house where I used to have way to much me time.

I thought I was going to be alright, but I truly underestimated myself.

When I came back from school, what once felt like a warm and cheerful apartment, now looked cold and gloomy. The usual lofi music that Kageyama plays when he's home makes a great comparison to the silence that invades the space now. The silence is too loud, too pregnant and I quickly pull out my phone to play it.

Cooking wasn't any better either, since I was used to making food for more than one person, now I have leftover curry for a week and its somewhat unappetizing enough to make me not want to eat anymore, sticking with eating one of Kageyama's yogurts instead.

Watching TV is a horror without his usual banter about the programs being to fake to be good and sleeping without hearing his snoring made me have to play a white noise playlist all night just to get a couple of hours in and not be exhausted at school the next day.

It isn't until the four day of him being away that I realize it.

I've never lived alone before.

I had lived with my parents since I was a child, always taking care of them, always helping out and waking up to their voices and steps.

Then I lived with Iwaizumi and even though he wasn't in the house all the time, he would always come home to sleep. When he slept in the guest room I could still hear his snoring with my door open, and when he started sleeping with me in the bedroom, the soft beating of his heart had always lulled me to sleep, his body heat making the cold go away. When he had to leave, he never left for more than a day or a week, but he always texted and called.

Kageyama couldn't do that where he was, there was no signal up there.

Laying on the bed, reflecting on how I seemed to just not function properly in loneliness made me feel very small, like a child. I said as much the next day on my usual therapy session with Connie, who gave me some exercises to do during that time.

Three days before Kageyama came back, I found myself standing outside the house that I had shared with Iwaizumi for almost 8 months after drinking half a bottle of wine.

I had spent a whole weekend repressing the urge to call him, my thumb hovering over his number in my favorites and now here I am, opening the door and letting myself in, knowing fully well that he was inside if his parked car was a sign of anything.

I saw him inside the kitchen, washing the dished he must have finished using for dinner and I stood there watching him, waiting patiently for something I did not know would be happening, but could feel it clawing in my chest.

The moment our eyes met, it was like a magnetic pull. We didn't say a word, instead we let our bodies take control. It wasn't until our lips touched that I realized I had been missing something since I left.

He pulled me as close as he could, one hand wrapped around my waist as the over one held a tight grip at the base of my head, tipping it back to a better angle and kissed me, no, devoured me breathless.

I didn't say a thing about what was happening, not when he broke the kiss to let me breathe, not when his lips trailed down the column of my neck, leaving hickeys in his wake, not when he carried me to the bedroom and took of his shirt, caging me between his strong figure - one I had traced with my hands so many times and still did now, relearning all of his body that had been missing from my own bed for two months.

I let him strip me, piece by piece falling onto the bedroom floor until I could feel his heated skin against my own. His hands caressing my body, igniting a fire that had been put out long ago - a fire I did not think would rekindle at all after everything that happened.

It was only once he was inside of me, that I finally uttered a single coherent word: Iwaizumi. In the form of a whisper, of a secret, of a prayer as he took me apart over and over until we succumbed into a deep and relaxed slumber.

Waking up beside Iwaizumi instilled a wave of deja vu, the way his arm was wrapped around my waist, his breath tickling the top of my head and the sound of his heartbeat beating under my ear. Every inch of his naked skin made me hyperaware of where I was and what had happened the night before.

I pulled myself up, to be at the same level as Iwaizumi's face and as I settled there I felt his body mold against mine, never leaving a single place of my skin without his, his hand that once had purchase of my waist now cupped my ass cheek.

I watched the plane of his face, from his mussed up hair that is probably my fault to the hickeys underneath his jaw, which are definitely my fault.

The images of the night coming and going rapidly through my mind, the way he kissed every inch of my body and brought me mind-blowing pleasure still very clear in my head and yet, a thought that I had only voiced out to Connie, a thought that came into my mind late at night settled inside of me. A calming thought that I knew what I had to do once he woke up and yet it also made me feel extremely guilty by all my actions in the past.

I softly caressed his cheek, "I'm sorry Iwaizumi" I whispered, not wanting to wake him just yet, "I'm sorry but, we can't be together anymore."

I kissed his forehead and silently cried, not knowing if it was out of relief or pain, "We are getting a divorce."

Kageyama Tobio walked into his apartment on the late afternoon Sunday, after spending two weeks away at a training camp in the mountains.

The last thing he expected to be met by was his best friend crying over a bottle of wine and strawberry shortcake, but at the same time it brought a huge relief through him because he knew what it meant. He knew she had finally gotten closure from Iwaizumi and sealed their fate.

So he didn't reprimand her about the lack of healthy food, nor her messed up hair or that she was sitting on the cold floor. Instead her brought her into his arms and gave her the only thing he could, he gave her his support and comfort waiting until she calmed down to speak.

He would give her all the time in the world, because she was worth it.

Sadly, Iwaizumi was too late to know.

He wondered for a bit if that was true though. He had seen pictures of the couple for years, he had always gotten the impression that her feelings were reciprocated until... well until YN came and told him the truth. He wondered if deep down, Iwaizumi did love her but had closed it off because of the other woman.

It lasted very little in his mind since his thoughts were interrupted by her sobs.

She would need time to heal from her wounds, but hopefully one day she will and she will find a man worth her time. Worth her love.

You'll fall in love again, YN and when you do, it better be someone that will let me go to the wedding.

"... And thats what happened."

Connie stare at each other for five minutes straight and I see a flurry of emotions and thoughts pass by her eyes every two or three seconds.

Once she's gathered her thoughts, she says in wonder, "You actually asked him. You asked for the divorce."

"I did."

Connie smiles at me, "YN, this is huge! You took the step you were afraid to take."

"Connie... I fucked up."

She gives me a look, as if she couldn't believe my words, "YN..."

"I did the same thing as her! I had sex with him and then left him, I feel like a piece of shit Connie, who does that?

"He looked devasted, as if I had just ripped his heart right out of his chest and was eating it. I swear I didn't mean it, I didn't mean to go to the house and sleep with him but I did and its wrong and I apologized but he..." I take a deep breath, "He just nodded and said, 'Its for the best'."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"It is... I guess I just wished that there was something in him, anything that wanted me back. But there isn't, there never was and now it hurts different. I'm not losing a husband, Connie, I'm losing my best friend and it hurts."

The pain has been there since I left the house and has yet to move out. I had thought that when he accepted it, I would feel calm but instead I feel like my mind is a raging storm and I'm the sole sailor out there, trying to reach a shore that doesn't exist.

"YN, losing an important person in your life is always going to hurt. I think your case, you're grieving at the loss of years of friendship. Of love and its okay to do it. Its going to take time and work, but you will get there YN, and one day you will see Iwaizumi or hear about him and it won't have a reaction, you won't flinch or hurt as you do know."

"And when that happens, what do I do?"

Connie gives me a bright smile that eases my mind, "You will live."

ephemeral | /əˈfem(ə)rəl/ | (adj.) : lasting for a very short time.

a/n! the long awaited chapters are here and i am so sorry to everyone. october is just... not my month and i tend to isolate myself during this month. but i hope you enjoy the double chapter and i'll have this weeks chapter up around friday. hopefully HOPEFULLY I can get myself back on track then.

thank you all for your patience, it means a lot and i hope you enjoy this journey with yn ;)

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

denouement ‹ masterlist › filipendulous

𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐦

I woke up to an empty bed and the smell of ham that morning. I knew this wasn't my bed, nor my curtain less window or my place, but for a second I let my mind wander, refusing to come in terms with my reality.

Finding Kageyama not only making an omelet but actually succeeding was a highlight I would treasure forever, especially with his little smile of success. We sat down on the counter and chatted aimlessly for a bit.

I was washing the dishes when the air turned serious, I could feel Kageyama's eyes on the back of my head, piercing and the anxiety I had trapped yesterday was threatening to bubble over, to spill on the floor once again.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but... are you going back to Iwaizumi's?"

I turn to look at him and see nothing but concern in his eyes. Its been a hectic two days and I'm sure I look and sound like a disaster. But as much as thinking about Iwaizumi hurts, it also hurts not being able to clear this situation and listen to what he has to say. I need closure on this and I'll get it, regardless of what happens next.

"I am, I need to talk to him and get some answers. Might not be a great option but its the one I am taking before I can make a decision on what to do next."

He gives me a small smile and something like pride shines on his face, "If you need anything, I'm a call away. I could always clear up the other room for you to stay."

"... You have another room?!"

Kageyama dropped me off at the house an hour later, my hand has been hovering over the doorknob for the past 15 minutes and I haven't been able to lower it.

I feel anxious, nervous, the fear clawing in my chest and I know its a matter of time before my hands start to shake. Never had I thought I would feel this way when it came to Iwaizumi.

But I also never thought he would have sex with Jae, and here I am.

I open the door and find him sitting there, the fear and anxiety I was feeling marred on his face. For some reason, it made all of my feelings wash away and was left with a chilling relief. I closed the door and walked passed him, "We need to talk, Iwaizumi."

I heard him wince, as if I had just shot him when I addressed him. I didn't wait for him to follow me nor did I turn back, I could hear his footsteps behind me, dragging against the wooden floor of the hallway.

I turned into the living room and sat down on one of the side chairs and left the couch open for him to sit. His eyes never left me during the whole ordeal and we sat in silence for a few minutes. Me watching the birds flying outside the window and him watching me. There used to be a time where I had wished his gaze was on me, never in these circumstances though.

"What happened, Iwaizumi?"

He was silent for a while longer, looking at his hands folded on his lap, so tightly his knuckles were turning white. "I don't know were to start, mochi."

"How about from the beginning. I think after all this shit show, I should know, right?"

He nodded, his eyebrows pinching and I started to reach out to rub his wrinkles.

'You're too young to get wrinkles, Hajime! No one wants a wrinkly old young man!' I exclaimed once at age 10 in front of his friends. He blushed in embarrassment at being doted and pushed my hand away. As time passed by and I continued to do it, he's stopping decreased until I could do it freely. When I noticed it I asked and with a smile he would say 'No one wants a wrinkly old young man, right?'

The memory brings another ache, and I pull back my hand before he notices.

"I didn't know I liked her until I was 15," during that time I had also realized I felt more than friendship for him, "We had sex for the first time that same day, you know? She kissed me and I liked it, so we uh-"

He continued to talk but I couldn't hear a thing after that. He's loved her since he was 15, he kissed, he had sex with her... they had a relationship. I felt so stupid, so hurt, used and furious; I thought he had been pinning on her, an unrequired love that suddenly transformed into something else due to regret but it had never been like that.

"We broke it off that night you went to help me pack. We uh- had sex and then had an argument."

He went to my house that night, I knew something was off about him and I thought he was anxious about moving away. I was very wrong.

"When I came back and my parents decided about the arranged marriage, I asked Jae to take it because I wanted to marry her, but she didn't want it, and then I found out about you signing up. I didn't think twice about it. I thought Jae was going to be angry, instead she was elated."

He used me to hide his pain, to keep seeing her, to keep her close.

"Mochi, please say something."

"When did it happen, the sex?"

He finally looks up to me, his sweet eyes filled with regret and voice heavy with remorse, "On your birthday, inside your room when I went to get your polaroid camera."

They did it in my house. In my room. While I was waiting for them and took a picture with me when they came down.

"Take me to her."

"What?"

I stand up and walk into my room, Iwaizumi right behind me. I pull out fresh clothes and walk into the bathroom for a shower, "We are going to Jae's. Get ready."

I had always loved Jae.

She had been the sister I had wished my parents had and the best friend I could always count on since childhood. We had done everything together; from vaccines to waxing.

She was the first person I ever told about my feelings for Iwaizumi, the second person was Tobio and the third person... was Iwaizumi.

We pulled up to a foreign apartment complex, it was extremely tall and luxurious, which befitted Jae's personality but not her salary. "She lives here?"

"Yes, she has for a while."

"Its really close to the house."

"Yeah."

"Was it on purpose?"

"... Yes."

I almost regretted asking him, if I am to be honest. I let him lead me to the elevator and saw him press the floor button. I wondered how many times he had come to her place when he came back and then dismissed it because in all honesty, I don't want to know.

The ride up was silent and I took that moment to look at myself in the elevator mirror. I was wearing a tight fitted, short, noddle strapped dress with a black shirt underneath and open black block heels to match. I decided for simple makeup with a marron lip and my hair pinned up. The dress accentuated my curves and the necklace my dad gave me on my fifteenth birthday shined on my neck.

Butterfly.

"You look beautiful, mochi."

"Thanks, I did it for me. Because I feel like crap."

He lead me to her apartment once we got to the floor and she opened the door a few seconds later.

"I knew you she would never take you back, Haji." She grinned maliciously at him, her eyes raking his body from head to toe. "Did she kick you out after you confessed?"

"If I had, he would have appeared here since that night, so no."

I watch her face freeze but her smile never left her face, her widened eyes never leaving Iwaizumi's even though he hasn't said a word. The only indication of her still being alive was her chest moving and her muscles tensing every few seconds. I placed my hand on her shoulder, pushing Iwaizumi out of the way to make her face me.

"Let's talk, cousin."

I never thought a day would come when I had to glare and be cold to both Iwaizumi and Jae. But here I am, almost two decades later doing exactly that. Iwaizumi is sitting on one of the couches end, avoiding her and vice versa, while I sit in front of them in a chair I pulled out from the dinner table.

"I already heard Iwaizumi's" they both flinch, "part. So now its your turn."

They both look at me shocked, "You... want me to talk about it? Why? Aren't you mad?"

I scoff and smile at her humorless, "I have half a mind of punching you both and just, fuck it all up to be honest. You don't know how much I wanted to call auntie when you sent me that video and ask her why you did it."

"But you didn't."

"No, I didn't, because, you see Jae, I'm not like you. I don't make other people suffer for my own mistaken actions. I'm pretty straight forward and take it as is. Which is why I am here," I point at myself, "to take it as is."

She looks at me thoughtfully and I can practically see her mask washing away, replaced by an easy smile and it unsettled me a lot, "It wasn't supposed to be serious, if I am being honest, which I am. I mean, you are here now so what's the point on hiding it right?" She laughed, "I guess he told you we got together after we fucked in your bed on your birthday. It wasn't the best but it was fun, and it helped that he's always been handsome.

"But you already now that, since two weeks before your birthday you confessed that you loved him and wanted to date him. For all its worth, I don't love him, YN"

I felt my heart crack at Jae's cold words. Hajime didn't move, stiff as a board and refused to look up, but it was alright because Jae was looking at me, really looking at me and it was terrifying, soul piercing.

"I'm not gonna lie to you anymore, there's no point in it and my fun is pretty much done now that you know. I did fuck him because I wanted to hurt you. You've always been pretty, precious and perfect YN, always beautiful and majestic," she leaned forward and flicked my necklace, "like a precious butterfly. While I'm the fucking snake of the family."

"But you know, YN, butterflies aren't so great. They have fragile wings, so after a soft touch or graze, they can't fly anymore. They can't hunt or steal, they feed off of flowers but unlike bees, they can't sting or hurt. They are so vulnerable and weak, just like you. So, when you came up to me and confessed, I didn't think twice about taking him away from you. I knew he would date you in a blink of an eye, so I stepped in to make that never happen."

There was no remorse in her eyes, no guilt or anger or anything I had expected from someone who dated him for so long, being with him for so long. Her eyes were empty, devoid of all emotion as she spoke to me, her tone was nonchalant and every word uttered was a new stab on the chest.

She looked at Iwaizumi and scoffed again, turning her gaze back to me, "He made it so easy, YN. Always in Oikawa's shadow, always someone's shadow so once he got a little bit of spotlight, he basked in it and never let go."

"I didn't know you guys were together though," I was surprised at how strong my voice sounded, when deep inside I felt so very small, "I just found out, so why go through with it for so long?"

"Oh don't get me wrong, cousin. I wanted to tell you immediately, give you the scoop and watch you wither away, but here's the thing. You would have moved on from Haji, found someone else and be loved by them as you 'deserve' because that's what happens with delicate butterflies, they get the best in their short life."

"But why wait? I don't- I-"

"I knew his parents would want him to marry once he got back from Cali, I knew he would ask me and if I rejected him he would go to you."

Iwaizumi finally looks up, only to give Jae a heated glare, "What the fuck does that mean, you did a long game? For what?"

"Easy, baby. I stopped you from ever loving YN and I stopped YN from having her happily ever after."

I was hyperaware of the situation now, and I felt very out of myself. I could see Iwaizumi's look of surprise, and Jae's smug smile plastered on her face. I could hear a discussion in the background and from the way their mouths were moving, and Iwaizumi's body was starting to tense up, it was heated. But I could listen to it, it was muddled and garbled and I couldn't understand a word they said.

"Why do you hate me?"

They stopped arguing to look at me, both surprised that I said something so clearly, even though I felt ripped to shreds and floating in despair.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I've loved you all my life, Jae. I trusted you, we grew up together and shared everything. I helped you with everything, so why ... why me? What did I ever do to you?"

"You existed. I was supposed to be the princess and have the attention and then you came in with your pretty hair and eyes and just everything and took it away. Grandpa has you on his will, you know? But the rest of us? No one is on it."

"I didn't know."

"That's why I hate you. You get everything and aren't even aware of it, so why should I feel bad?"

"I didn't get everything, the one thing I wanted the most, Iwaizumi's love, isn't mine."

He looks at me and gently touches the back of my hand, "I do love you, mochi."

I smile at him filled with so much sadness, "It's not the same, not like I do."

"Oh wow, cry me a fucking river."

Iwaizumi turns to glare at her sharply, "Shut up, just shut up. I can't believe you did this because of jealousy, of pettiness."

They started arguing again, but I didn't want to listen anymore. I took out my cellphone and texted the only person I could actually count on and it made my chest tight at the thought of him rejecting me.

butterfly yn: hey, tobio, can i stay at your place for a while?

kagstobs: sure, we can clear out the spare room together kagstobs: do you want me to pick you up?

butterfly yn: yeah, i need you to take me back to the house and get my stuff butterfly yn: also, i need some moral support for the call i have to make

kagstobs: ???

butterfly yn: i need to tell my parents that i'm going with connie

kagstobs: i got you, send me the address

des·​i·​de·​ri·​um | \ ˌdesəˈdirēəm, -ezə- \ (n.): an ardent desire or longing; used especially for a feeling of loss or grief for something lost

a/n! i felt everything that yn was feeling through this chapter. which I would take that I did a pretty good job. so here's some light on her relationships and, I am sorry, YN. your people suck. also... how are we feeling about this chapter!? let me know , i love reading your comments :D

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

twin stars ‹ masterlist › have you ever

𝐡𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢

Iwaizumi had forgotten how rowdy his friends are, and one isn't physically present.

He had not seen any of his friends since the wedding and even then he didn't get to see and chat with them very long, he was out of it that day. But here he is on a Friday night, with YN sitting beside him per request of the three dumbasses sitting across from them; Maki and Mattsun with Oikawa on their phone screen, demanding attention like the needy shit he has always been.

He feels you more than he hears you laugh at whatever the others are telling you and he takes a chance to take a peek, as if he hasn't been doing that since you walked out of the room to go out with him.

Your short black skirt that he had already thought was short when you were standing is even shorter now as you sat, it barely covered your ass, leaving your beautiful legs on display for all the perverts. On top of that you wore a skin tight shirt that had a boob window and he has been wanting to punch every creep that keeps on looking at it. He wants to snarl at every single person that makes a double take on her, of course she's beautiful.

She's also too good for anyone out there.

He relaxes as he watches her laugh freely, her cheeks tinted pink, her eyelashes wet from laughing so hard at his friends antics. He decided he should bring her to these reunions from now on, take her out more, she must feel lonely just doing school work and being at home since most of her friends are to engrossed on their future or on their relationships.

"Earth to Iwachan!" He felt someone smack his head, finding the culprit to be a smirking Mattsun, "We get it! You're married and happy, I mean..." Mattsun, Maki and Oikawa all turn to look at YN, "I can blame you, YN has always been the most beautiful woman in our life."

YN, used to their flirty but harmless antics snorts at it, "That's not what I heard when Hajime and I walked in as you fucked that 2nd year cheerleader. What has her name again? Mina?" She smirked at it, making Iwaizumi laugh at the memory. He had been horrified and had accidentally pulled you into the bathroom instead of running outside. Both stuffed uncomfortably in there while hearing Mattsun pound (roughly) into the poor girl until the cheerleader moaned out a 'Daddy' to Mattsun, making you both laugh and interrupted them.

Mattsun laughed at it, "I can still hear you both laughing about it! What's so wrong about having a Daddy kink, huh? YOU KINK SHAMERS!"

"You weren't even close to daddy age, Mattsun!" YN joined Iwaizumi's laughter, leaning against him for support, "You were only 18, what's so 'daddy' about that!?"

Mattsun only huffed at that and Iwaizumi thought that maybe he was angry, the slight scowl on his face as he watched YN grip his bicep as she hid behind him from laughter remained there for a long time afterwards.

―

YN had just gotten up for the bathroom when his friends sharp glances turned to him. Usually, he would ignore it since it really wasn't their business, but he know from experience that if he keeps on avoiding it, they'll get worse.

Taking a sip from his beer and without sparing a glance to any of them, he gives. "Just spit it out."

It wasn't a surprise that shittykawa was the one to initiate it, "I can't believe YN took your stupid ass in marriage."

He turned to glare at his friend on the screen, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that she could've and SHOULD HAVE gone for someone who is emotionally available and isn't still chasing after his ex."

"I- this marriage is just - it's-"

"It's what?" Mattsun interrupts him, "Convenience? Because she's your friend, so its comfortable? You think that's fair?" He scoffs at Iwaizumi and it makes him feel small, "She's so in love with you and you don't even see it," he points at his, harshly poking his chest, "its so infuriating seeing you chasing after that other bitch when YN has always been right there!" He takes a swing of his drink, obviously irritated with his wedded friend.

"I- its-... she isn't in love with me, we're friends, best friends." What the hell is wrong with his friends? "What the hell is this? Why do any of you care about me and yn? You guys said you were happy about me marrying her!"

"We were, until we saw that you aren't in love with her."

Iwaizumi feels his heart drop at his friends deadpanned expressions. He doesn't regret marrying YN, he just wishes he had done it under normal circumstances.

"I'm trying."

"We know Iwachan," he looks up to see Oikawa giving him a pained smile, "But you need to cut off Jae for good. YN deserves at least that."

"Speaking of the queen of Rome... someone is following her."

Iwaizumi feels his body tense at Mattsun's words, someone is following you? He turns a bit to catch you fast walking towards their table, a worried expression on your face. He can also see the creep walking behind you, eyeing you hungrily.

He doesn't like it.

Once she makes it to the table, all of the boys can see how out of breath she is and wonder just how long she's been trying to avoid him. She sits beside Iwaizumi, meeting no one's eye and soon enough the guy is there with a smirk, "Hey baby, why did you runaway? Come on, ditch these losers and come with me instead."

He has no right, Iwaizumi knows that he has no right to get so mad at this perverts words but he can't help the possessiveness that is pouring out of himself, blinded by rage, he acts on impulse.

Iwaizumi pulls her close to him, seating her casually on his lap and looking square at this randos eye, says, "She's taken, beat it."

When he notices that the other one is about to open his mouth, he cuts him off by kissing her instead.

The last time he had kissed her was while she was drunk and it hadn't felt right to return it since she was very out of it. Now though? Now, they're both pretty sober and in public. His friends are at arms length and he can't find it in himself to give a damn when your lips feel like the softest pillows ever.

He gripped the back of her neck to angle her face and kiss her deeply, he was surprised to feel her kissing him back with the same fervor. She took the hand he had on her knee up to her thigh, which he gripped on immediately and pressed her chest against his, her small hands clutching his shoulders as if her life depended on it.

At the back of his mind, he could hear his friends wolf whistles and a couple of others exclaiming at the way they were making out, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. She was here, she was present and so warm underneath his fingers, her lips following his, her tongue exploring his mouth just as he was with her.

He didn't know for how long they had been kissing, but when he slightly pulled apart, her lips were red and swollen, her eyes sparkled and shined like diamonds underneath the sunlight. She looked adorable and he felt his heart throb painfully in his chest.

"Well... I guess I'm not the only exhibitionist anymore, huh?"

His friends laughed when YN started to blush and the implication that was made. With Iwaizumi still feeling a bit high from what had happened, he pulled her against him close, his grip tight and barked, "Leave her alone, you pervs."

After a few jabs directed to him, they continued as if nothing had happened, though he did catch them stealing glances at him with raised eyebrows, questioning his actions at the passionate kiss he shared with her.

I don't know what's happening either, he thought as he peered down to look at her face, feeling himself blush at how small and comfortable she looked in this lap, in his arms, but I know I'm in trouble.

―

When they got home later that night, he feels himself feeling hot and bothered by every move you make. You way your hanged your purse at the entrance, the way you shook your hair out of its up do, the way you leaned forward to take of your heels.

He followed you down the hall to your shared room, watching the way your hips moved side to side tantalizingly. His hand itched, he wanted to move closer and glue himself to your back, to hold your waist in one hand as the other guided your head to kiss him, to have the hand on your waist dip down and shove his digits in your panties to find them soaking wet, to hear you sigh out his name "Hajime, please."

"Hajime."

"...Hajime?"

Your solid voice pulled him out of his trance, a blush adorning his face in shame. I need to snap out of it, its too late to be so horny about my best friend. "Yeah mochi?"

"I um..." He noticed they way she was twirling her hair around, a nervous habit she's had since they were kids and wondered what could have her in such a state. "I- urgh, there's no easy way to say it."

She smacked herself in that moment. "Mochi?!"

He would've moved forward, if it wasn't for the solid gaze she had, her shoulders pulled back, full of intent.

"Hajime, I want you to take my virginity."

... What

When words run dry, he does not try, nor do I.

We are on par.

He just is, I just am

and we just are.

He and I - Lang Leav

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! went on vacation and forgot to queue the post for this chapter, im so sorry, my bad D:

[hitozy]

all you who sleep tonight ‹ masterlist › he and i

𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐧 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬

Sharing a bedroom had proven to be of no bother for either parties. Iwaizumi had feared it would be a bit awkward given that they weren't romantically involved, but his worries were a bit useless, YN had made it easy and comfortable for the both of them.

Cohabitating and sharing was starting to make him feel different as well. He couldn't really put a name on it, but it started when he began to see the little things around him.

Going into the bathroom and finding his toothbrush beside yn's. Her towel hanging beside his, the shower containing his and yn's products, he accidentally tried yn's body wash and ended up liking the smell and exfoliating that he mentioned to yn if she could buy more. She had giggled but agreed, mentioning the different types that there were which ended up in both of them starting to shop together after work and school.

He found himself staring at her as she looked over the products, making sure they are the right ones. Or when she pouts for Iwaizumi to have a heart and let her buy junk food (which he always does). Or when he opens the closet door to find his clothes beside hers, the contrast of variety and color always making him smile.

Or when he wakes up earlier than his alarm, turning his head to find her beside him. His eyes travelling from her hair sprawled around her pillow, her hands clutching said pillow up to her shoulders, watching the goosebumps appearing on her skin. Eyes travelling down to always find the bedsheet pooling under her waist and he never knows why or how. He would pull the sheet up, cover you as he watches you let out a soft sigh and a content smile that never fails to make his heart flutter.

It makes him wonder if he's always felt this way, and if not, since when?

―

Jae hasn't stopped calling him.

He thought that after the discussion they had at yn's parents last week would be enough to get her off his back, but it proved to be pointless and he was beginning to think that she did not leave the house by her own assessment.

Mr. and Mrs. LN must have sent her home after listening to her horrible criticism of their daughter. Something she had done in the past and never failed to sour his mood. He didn't know what her problem was, but he knew she was lying about everything concerning you, learning it was best to ignore her comments than correct her.

It was on the third day that he felt his patience snap. She had been calling him relentlessly to the point that the coach had asked him to take the call, 'It could be an emergency.' He disregarded it as spam calls and was left alone once he placed his cell the profile in vibration, so even though it was vibrating non-stop, at least everyone else couldn't hear it.

Once it was lunch break I pulled out my phone.

53 missed calls from Jae

15 voicemails probably from Jae

27 texts from Jae

He ignored Jae's attempts in communicating with him, deleting everything in one go and focusing on a little one who had also been trying to get in touch with him a while ago.

1 missed call from mochi mochi

3 texts from mochi mochi

mochi mochi: omg sorry! I forgot that you're in training rn mochi mochi: I was calling to let you know that I'm heading to the library for school work D: mochi mochi: letting you know because you wanted to pick me up today, i'll go home later dw! have a lovely day hajime♥

His little mochi was a bit selfless sometimes. He was going to text you back, but his irritation from Jae's insistency was rubbing him wrong all over his body so he thought best to call you and let your voice sooth his nerves.

"Hajime! Good morning, is anything wrong?" Just like that, he felt his frustrations be washed away at the sound of your voice, like cold water running all over him.

"Morning mochi, I saw your text, everything all right?" Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the athletes and the coaches acting as if they weren't listening but the way their bodies were leaning towards him gave it away.

He had half a mind at telling them to mind their own business.

"Ah, well, we got a request from the film majors to help out with their project scripts and we weren't actually going to do it, since we already have enough stuff as is," he recalls the nights he would come in late, watching you giving it your all even if you finished at 3am, he was worried about your health during that time and after your breakdown, he had a reason to be worried now, "luckily we are working in large teams, sadly I'm doing the rough draft."

"Sounds rough, mochi. Anything I can do to help?"

In an almost timid manner, she asked softly "Keep me company?"

How could he reject?

―

Once he hung up, one of the senior coaches passed behind him and smack his hand on his back with a grin, "The ol' ball 'n chain, huh? You should go and buy her something to eat today, having to tolerate your ass. Now come on, we have a team to train for a win."

―

11:45 pm

He had brought her favorite food and drink to the school library, sneaking to the back to eat and not get caught by anyone there. It look familiar yet very different from the one back in California, when he would stay until early morning studying on the weekends, with you doing the same in the video call in front of him.

Now your right in front of him, physically and mentally in his presence. He had been working on some stuff from work as you continued your studies and felt relived and in peace in the comfortable silence but, it had been a while since he had finished it all and he soon found himself staring at you.

The shape of your eyes, your soft hair, your nose, your soft lips, the curve of neck, the way your shirt shaped your breasts...

He mentally slapped himself at that thought, why- why the hell is he thinking of your breasts? Since when is he thinking about it? Why-

"Ah! I didn't even notice the time, let's go Hajime... are you okay?"

"Yeah, um why?"

"Your face is all red", she came to stand in front of him, touching his forehead, "hmm, you don't have a fever... maybe you're just tired? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you to stay for so long." Her soft cold hand felt nice against his face as she rubbed her thumb up and down his forehead.

He remembered that she used to do this when she was younger, "You have to stop doing that Hajime!," she would exclaim as she rubbed his forehead in a similar matter as now, "You'll get wrinkles too young!"

The old memory made him laugh, your expression back then mirrored to present day. "What so funny?"

He smiled and took all of your stuff from the table, taking your hand in his, "Nothing, lets just go home, mochi."

Can you hear my heart? Oh, but I can tell! We are twin starts With different births. My caring shadow ― It has your face. The voice of my soul Knows well your name.

Tell me, Can you hear my heart? Oh! how I love you, My best friend.

Twin Stars ― Clairel Estevez

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! i beat the system so here's a chapter guys ♥ also... since i couldn't post one last week, there will be a double post this one!

[hitozy]

desiderium ‹ masterlist › ephemeral

𝐅𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬

Living with Kageyama Tobio was an easier transition than I had thought. I wasn't entirely sure why but it was and I am not complaining.

Once Kageyama had picked me up and passed to the house for some of my essentials, we spent the whole afternoon cleaning the second room, which was unsurprisingly filled with boxes of trophies and trinkets of his youth that proved as decorations to make his apartment a bit homier.

It wasn't until three days later that I called my parents. I waited until Kageyama came back and showered to finally do it. He sat by my side on the couch, eating the katsudon I made when I came back from school and gave me a thumbs up in encouragement as I dialed my mom's number on speaker, I didn't want to repeat the conversation and he already knows how they are.

"YN! You finally remembered that you have parents!"

I groan and Kageyama quietly chuckles at my reaction, "I always remember, don't I text you everyday?"

"You should call me everyday, you ungrateful brat."

"MOM."

"Is that YN?" I hear my fathers voice in the background and I sigh in relief that he's already home and interfering. I love my mother but she can be... exhausting at times.

"Yes, and she's being a brat, here let me..." I can suddenly hear the TV in the background of a soap opera that she always watches at this hour, "There, say something!"

"Hi dad!"

"Hello my butterfly," my fathers soothing voice comes through the speaker and it sets my soul at ease, "How are you? How is school?"

"You better be getting good grades, YN! I didn't raise a quitter!"

I chuckle at their dynamic, my mother had always been a tad bit more aggressive than my father but she meant it in the best way possible and had never been too uncaring. I couldn't say that about the rest though...

"School is good, I'm participating in the script writing of a play actually. How are you two doing?"

"We are doing well, your father finally got the old garden back up and works on it when he comes back from work. It just took you moving out for him to find some peace."

"Love, don't say that. You know we both work on the garden because she's not here anymore."

I felt my heart skip a beat as they said that, I didn't think they would miss me that much. Hearing them admit that they are looking for things to do because of my absence makes me uneasy and guilty. They must think I'm so happy without them...

Kageyama leans his head on my shoulder and gives me a small smile, its clear that he finds it endearing and can't help but move closer to listen in.

"But you didn't answer a question butterfly."

"What question, dad?"

"Brat, how are you?"

Its silent for a moment and I contemplate if I should just keep my mouth shut so I don't conflict my parents. I never was problematic or dramatic as a kid, just quiet, I never wanted to cause any problems to my parents that always worked so hard to give me the best.

But if I don't say the truth, it will hurt more once things don't... work out. But they still don't need to know everything, so I settle for the reason of the call.

"... I want to go to therapy."

"Is everything alright? Did you and Iwaizumi have a fall out?" I almost laughed, a fall out is the lightest way of explaining what had happened. We flew and crashed to our deaths, dad.

"It's complicated and I can't seem to focus. Kageyama has recommended me his therapist."

"Have you talked to Iwaizumi about this?" My mothers voice cuts through me, and its it an icy stab in my chest. Some old habits are hard to break, YN, patience.

"Iwaizumi doesn't know I want to go."

"Why don't you put him on the phone then, and we can discuss it together?"

I don't want that, mom." I feel frustrated at her words, at her reluctance, "Why would he need to discuss this? I want to go."

"YN-"

"Love, no, stop." My father cuts my mother off, her huff of displeasure clear through the phones speaker, "If you want to go, then you can go. Agreed?" I hear my mother utter agreement and then his tone changed into worry, "Butterfly... did something happen?"

I feel Kageyama thread his fingers through mine and squeeze. It was a comforting gesture that I wholeheartedly welcomed in that moment. "Something did happen... but I'm not ready to talk about it."

"Are you with Iwaizumi now? Do you need us to go and get you?"

"YN. I will go down there right now and beat him to a pulp if he's trapping you. Don't think I won't, he may be tall but I can still cut off his knee caps."

I chuckle softly, my mother's attitude and demeanor change will always give me whiplash. I feel a rumble of laughter from Kageyama at this and shush him, we both know if she knew what he did, there would be a thousand hells to pay.

"Um, I left a few days ago actually."

"Was it that bad?" "Where are you now?" "Butterfly what happened? Should we call the police" "I will kill him before they get there, YN, where are you?"

I can help the chuckle that escapes me and Kageyama can barely keep it in either, they had different ways of caring, but they cared none the less.

"I'm staying with Tobio, he has an extra bedroom in his apartment."

Its silent on the other line for a bit, and then I hear my mother say in relief, "Oh thank God, if she had said 'with Oikawa in Argentina', I was three seconds away from flying there and ripping her head off!"

Kageyama burst out laughing at that, which made a chain reaction to all of us. Once we calmed down, Kageyama was joining in the conversation with my parents and I watched happily their interaction.

I missed this peace.

Going to therapy is a peculiar concept, yo go to talk to a stranger about things you can tell your close friends or family. So imagine how peculiar I feel, sitting in a psychologist office, in front of said psychologist with whom I've watched another man fawn over just as badly as I have since his high school years.

I wonder if Connie even knows about it?

"So, YN, I haven't seen you in a while, right? Since Matsukawa's 21st birthday?"

I nodded, relieved with the small talk she decided to start with. "Yeah how have you been, Connie?"

She smiles at me gently, "I've been doing well, went to a friends house on Friday to watch Iwaizumi's team play, they did well! You must be proud of him."

I flinched at the mention of it. The memory still fresh in my head and the smell of Jae's perfume on his skin still present, fresh and the phone in my hand felt like red hot. I placed it beside me and rubbed my palm to soothe the imaginary pain.

"Ah, trouble in paradise? I'm not really qualified for couples therapy but I do-"

"He doesn't love me."

Connie looks at me, the frown placed on her face doesn't suit her, "Why would you say that? He doesn't say it to you?"

I chuckle bitterly, "Not in a way that would make him marry me. Not how I do."

"YN," she closes her notebook and reaches for my hand, "why don't you start from the beginning then? What made you come?" The moment I looked at her eyes, it was like a dam had been broken down inside of me once again and I poured everything out of myself, I told Connie everything, all of it and she listened to me, patiently without any judgement on her face. The only time she wasn't looking at me was when she stood up to take a box of tissues from the cabinet in the back, handing them to me.

"And this all happened a few days ago? I bet you feel overwhelmed."

I blew my nose as much as I could and still felt disgusting. My eyes were so puffy I could barely open them and my face was hot, "Yeah, sorry." It came out nasally, making me cringe. I must look like a mess.

"Please, don't apologize. I can see why Kageyama gave you recommended you. You don't really need marriage counseling yet. But, YN," She pondered a bit on her words, "Why didn't you cancel the wedding?"

I twisted the hairband on my wrist, an anxious twitch I had developed since a child, one my mother would always reprimand me for. "I promised him."

"Yes, you did promise to marry him because from what you and everyone knew, he was single and had no one else in mind."

"Its true, he was single."

"No, not really." I paused my unconscious actions, remembering how he knew where her apartment was and the floor number; when I had never even been there, not once.

"Can I give you my input on this? Are you okay with that?"

I nod, "Yeah, go ahead."

"I think you both made mistakes and it was carried onto the marriage. Iwaizumi married you knowing he was still in love with Jae and you married him disregarding it. I am not," she makes a cross with her arms, "choosing anyone's side. I do believe that what Iwaizumi did must have cause your sudden instability emotionally, but I also think that this goes back much further than the day before the wedding.

"If I recall, Jae said that she had started planning this when they were fifteen. How old were you in that time?"

"It was my birthday... twelve? Thirteenth? I think. I cried so much that I turned my brain into goo."

"That's alright. You were really young, and you already had such strong feelings for him. Why is that?"

I thought about it for a while, pondering for an answer to that question. Memories of our youth, of our childhood passed my mind rapidly trying to find an answer. Because he always helped me? Because he was my first friend?

He was caring and loyal.

He always had my back in every situation.

He would get into fights with everyone that had called me an attention whore, everyone that spread rumors about me being a slut in high school because I only hung out with boys.

Once he left, it came back to bite my ass for the rest of it and it followed me into college until everyone found out I was getting married.

"Because he was my comfort zone. I knew I could count on him to always be there for me and I never tried to get out of it, I just... waited for him. As I always have."

"Are you still waiting for him?"

"I think I am."

"Do you want to?"

I look up to meet Connie's eyes and see nothing but reassurance. She didn't pity me or think less of me, she just wanted to help and I appreciated it wholeheartedly.

"... I don't and I'm not sure what to do."

Connie smiled at me, "Good thing you're here then, because I can help with that."

I gave her a small smile in return, "I'd like that, thanks."

"I know this is the first time I'm going to therapy, but honestly, it should be counting as a sport because actually talking about feelings and figuring things out? Fucking exhausting and homework? Ugh..."

Kageyama laughs at that as I get into his car but I'm not lying. My bones feel like gelatin, my head hurts, my eyes are super puffy and its hard to breath through my still congested nose. All in all, I feel awfully great.

"That's how it always starts, but it'll get better the more you go and the more you let go. Just gotta keep on going..." he looked at me through the corner of his eye as he began to drive, "You are going to keep on going, right?"

"I already signed up once every week for the next 8 months, so yes. I will."

He hummed in acknowledgement and continued driving us home. I had gotten the appointment between after school and the end of Kags training. The drive was quiet, with light music in the background and very comfortable, until my ringing phone interrupted it.

"You actually have a ringtone?"

"I can never feel it when it vibrates and I always lose it."

He snickers a 'loser' as I answer without looking.

His deep voice flowed through the receptor of my phones speaker, like chocolate melting on my tongue, "Hey mochi, I didn't think you would answer." He seemed languid, almost lazy, he must have just gotten off of work.

"Yeah, I didn't see the caller ID."

He chuckles at that, a bitter edge in his tone, "I figured and I don't blame you for it."

I want to stay quiet because I honestly did not want to talk to him, I was still hurt by it all and I was not ready to move out of it, I still needed to think about it all. But I also remember what I spoke with Connie about.

I need to get out of my comfort zone with him and move on. "Is there anything you need, Iwaizumi? Are you alright?" I can see Kageyama peer at me when we stop at a red light, his eyebrows cocked up in question.

"My mom called, its almost the wedding anniversary and she wants us to celebrate with the family."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that we are still 5 months away from it and I needed to ask you."

I felt sick. Not by the prospect of having to be in the same room as them but at the sound of his voice. It was so nonchalant, so closed off and ... cocky. Years of knowing him could only come up with one conclusion, he's pissed off out of his mind.

I didn't like that. "I have to think about it."

"Alright then... let me know."

"Okay, are you-" Before I could finish my sentence, he hung up. I stared at my phone for a while, not believe this. He's entitled to his feelings and everything he wants to say but... Why is he so pissed?

Is he angry at me?

"You okay there?" Kageyama asks, slightly pulling me out of my stupor. I turn of the screen of my phone and slowly place it inside my bag in wonder.

"I don't know, I think I'm pissed at Iwaizumi."

Kageyama chuckles and smiles at my words, patting my knee.

"Finally. Something other than waterworks, we're making progress already!"

fil·​i·​pen·​du·​lous | \ fi-li-PEN-juh-luhs \ (adj.) : suspended by or strung upon a thread

a\n! We didn't have much interaction with the parents, so I thought this would be a good time to have them appear and show who they are :) are we liking Connie? or are we liking Connie? ♥

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

gentle love ‹ masterlist › twin stars

𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

It didn't come as a surprise when days later my parents invited us over for dinner. What was surprising was seeing Jae there, and no one else in the family.

"She's been feeling lonely, yn. You and him are her only friends - she feels left out of the group. Try to understand."

I did understand, I understand better than they think. I could tell by the way she eyes him lustfully when we came in the house, the way her hug lingered longer than his, her coy smile and the drag of her hand travelling sensually down his arm. She wants Iwaizumi back and she couldn't make it any more obvious.

My only consolation is that Iwaizumi looks incredible uncomfortable and keeps on swatting her hand away or giving her a stern look, but she doesn't ease up on her assault. When she leans in close to him, pressing her breasts against his arm, making him blush is when I've had enough.

I feel vile rising up my throat, the food I had just swallowed trying to come back. Excusing myself, I saw a slight worry in Iwaizumi's eyes, he started to get up to accompany me, Jae pulls him back down. "Wait Haji! I need to tell you about this thing that happened at work, you would never believe..." As I moved further away, the sound of her voice blended into silence.

Instead of heading to the restroom in the corridor, I went inside my old room looking for comfort in my memory filled four walls. I sat there in silence looking at the pictures of my childhood and on each of them, there's Iwaizumi without fail. Some have Oikawa here and there, Jae is also in many of them, Maki and Mattsun in between. The only ones that don't have Iwaizumi in there is during those four years he left for Uni and was slightly replaced by Maki and Mattsun that never left me alone. But I found no solace in these once happy memories. The moment I found out about Jae and Iwaizumi, the lies and the betrayal, they had turned bitter.

"Haji haji! Where are you going?" Jae's voice called out from outside my bedroom door, dread creeping up my body at the thought of having to witness another devastating separation. I have half a mind of jumping out of my bedroom window, just to avoid to breaking my heart further.

"I'm looking for yn. She didn't look so good."

Jae huffs annoyed, "It's always yn! 'YN is coming with us' or 'YN was sick, she needed me there' or the best one! 'YN is my friend, I will always be on her side.' When is this false care of yours going to stop? I know I made a mistake on regecting you Haji. I want to take it back, I want us back, don't you?"

My blood ran cold in that moment, her words structing a cord in my heart, revealing insecurities buried deep for years. I had always had a subconscious feeling that Iwaizumi only hung out with me during his teen years out of pity, no matter what he said.

"False care?" He was right outside my bedroom door, I could hear the shuffling of his clothes and the clacking of Jae's high heels stop. "Did you just say false care?"

"Is that all you picked up on? Haji, please, I want-"

"Don't you ever say that about me and yn, Jae. You have no right. If there is anyone here that has any 'false care' it would be you."

"Haji-"

"If you actually care about anyone but yourself, then you would stay in your place and stop with all of this. You had your chance, Jae. I gave you so many chances, I begged you the night before the wedding and you said no. There is no going back."

"Why are you so mad? We could just runaway now and forget everything Haji!"

I hear him sigh and I can picture the disappointment on his face, the annoyance, the anger. Its palpable in the air even with the door separating us. "I am mad, Jae, because I've been in love with an asshole for so many years. Because I still love you, an asshole, even though I'm trying really really hard to forget you. Because I-," I can see the way the doorknob jiggles, a tell-tale sign that he rested his hand on it, "I can't believe how little you care about yn. If what you said on the wedding day is true, which I still don't believe; why would you do this to her? She's your cousin, she's been like a sister to you and so many of us for years and you're okay letting her suffer this way?"

"I just- on that day you said you didn't care if she was actually in love with you. Why are you-"

"You and I and every single person in the world that has met my mochi know that she deserves better. So much better, so why in the world would you do this? YN loves you, so much, and you'd just drop her like that Jae? What is wrong with you?"

"Easy. She has you and I want you, that's what's wrong."

Its silent for a moment, I can imagine the incredulous look on Iwaizumi's face at her words. Is he going to jump at her and kiss her? Will he runaway with her and leave me? The mere thought of it tears another piece of my heart and I don't think I could take anymore. I stand up to hide in the bathroom, from anyone that may come in.

But then he speaks.

"Well, Jae, I am hers and you are just going to have to deal with it."

The silence was deafening and the tears I was shedding, the sobs I was holding back only worsened the nausea I already had. Running to my bathroom as fast and as quiet as I could, I barely made it to empty my stomach.

If they spoke more outside, I knew nothing about it. Iwaizumi came in moments later to brush and hold my hair out of my face, rubbing my back. Once I was done and all cleaned up, he pulled me in close and kissed my forehead, "Are you feeling better, mochi?"

I observed his face and whatever emotion he had while speaking to Jae was long gone. His eyes showed worry and tenderness. As I reached out to rub this forehead to stop him from deepening his wrinkles I feel a bit better. If Iwaizumi is here, then it means he's no leaving, not for now and I can live with it. "A bit, but I wanna go home and watch a movie."

He grinned at me, making my heart skip a beat like as if everything that happened a while ago was nonexistent, "Cartoon or 4D?"

"Both?"

"Both it is then, my sweet mochi. Let's go and say our bye's now. Your dad might get the wrong idea and come to shoot my head off."

I snorted, remembering the time when Iwaizumi lost the inter-high and sneaked into my room for comfort, cuddling me in just sweatpants when my dad walked in and had a fit. I repeated the words he had said back then, "Not in my house nor with my daughter, Iwaizumi!"

He chuckled, "Never been more afraid in my life, even though you were there."

"What does that mean?"

He only gave me a secretive smile and bopped my nose. We said our goodbye's to my parents - noting how my mother didn't give us any leftovers, probably afraid to get me sick, even though it was her fault. As we walked out, I also noticed something else missing or more like someone else, "Where's Jae?"

Iwaizumi tensed under my fingers, wrapping his arm tighter around me. What worried me was the sudden tense smile my mother gave me and the slight anger radiating of my father.

"She had to leave, love. An emergency."

I watched them closely and a horrible thought came up in my mind. Did they know about them?

I looked at my mother and I saw guilt in her eyes, "Oh honey, I'm sorry. If I had known how jealous Jae was about you marrying Iwaizumi, I would have never invited her."

... What?

"But I should have seen it coming," Mother continued, "She has always been jealous of you, since you were kids. Always taking your stuff or blaming you for things you never did. I would have expected her to grow up," she huffed annoyed, "but it seems I was hoping to much from her."

She caressed my cheek, "It's a good thing Hajime put her in her place. Such a good husband!"

Oh thank God, they only heard the last part of it.

My father takes my hand in his, it had always been much bigger and covered with callouses from years of hard work. "My darling, if anyone ever tries to hurt you or make you feel less worthy than you are, please know that it is not true," he kissed the back of my hand, like he's always done, "a princess must always be cared and treasured. Always remember it and if not, I will be here to do so."

He cracks a grin at Iwaizumi, "But I guess you won't be coming to me for it, will you? You have Hajime to do it now, and I would believe you prefer it that way."

The sudden blush that appeared on my face made all of them laugh, the tense atmosphere of my question forgotten in the wind.

"I'll make sure to remind her that she is nothing less than a queen, old man."

"I'll hold you accountable then, Hajime."

―

Later that night, in the comfort of my bed Iwaizumi comes in bearing gifts. Tea for my upset stomach, blankets and a few sandwiches. "You hardly ate anything, so I though this would be better for you."

"But you made like, ten, Hajime."

"... I'm starving, alright?"

My head resting under his chin, his arm draped around my shoulders, my leg thrown over his, covered up in the softest blankets ever, a wedding gift from Oikawa with a letter that I keep in my bedside.

He's a tough cookie, YN. You and I, we both know it but please, don't give up on him. I've only seen him smile so carelessly when your around. He's carefree and senselessly fun when you appear. I only see him be true to himself with you and I'm happy to know he has finally realized it after so many years. Continue to give him only smiles and happiness, little mochi. Love, the best (duh) King Oikawa

We cleaned up once we had enough of the foods and just continued to watch until the end. He started to take his leave to his bedroom when in jerk reaction fashion, I reach out to pull him back.

"Stay."

He looks at me intently, trying to figure out the message behind my words. He gives me a smile as he comes back in and pulls me back onto his chest, "You always hated sleeping alone. You should have told me this was okay for you."

"Too quiet, to big."

"Then... How about we share the bedroom?"

―

All you who sleep tonight Far from the ones you love, No hand to left or right And emptiness above –

Know that you aren’t alone The whole world shares your tears, Some for two nights or one, And some for all their years.

All of you who sleep tonight - Vikram Seth

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! i wrote this chapter in less than 10 minutes. then spent three days cleaning it up. i am finally getting my shit together and found a schedule that I can work with for everything I have to do :D

[hitozy]

oh yes ‹ masterlist › all you who sleep tonight

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞

When we were younger, Iwaizumi and I used to have sleepovers all the time. It didn't matter that he was a boy and I was a girl, back then were simpler times.

He would wait for me outside of my school with his mother or mine, they would take us to pick out treats and snacks; Iwaizumi always got the ones related to Godzilla, like the nerd he was... he still is. It never mattered where we had the sleepover as long as we were together.

I remember we had a sleepover out at his parents backyard, 'safe camping' he had called it with a pouty face, "I don't want you getting hurt!".

He helped me roast marshmallows and laughed at my sugary, sticky cheeks; always helping me clean them with a fond smile. "Cute mochi mochi."

Little bare feet running through the grass, trying to catch fireflies. Laying in the same grass, stargazing as much as one can at that age. After playing the sugar high we'd experience would die down, crashing both of us to a deep sleep.

It never mattered how we fell asleep, in what position nor place. Without fault I would always wake up with my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me, his breath tickling the top of my head and the sound of his beating heart a comforting white noise that drove me back to sleep.

―

Its been five years since our last sleepover and yet our bodies had unconsciously drifted into old habits. His slim boyish chub had been replaced long ago with muscle, but somehow it was very different. His teen muscle had refined into a mixture between soft and hard, almost plush. I knew if I squeezed the pectoral under my left arm it would feel that way, but I kept myself in check because the sound of his heart under my ear told me he was awake.

I had already made a fool out of myself last night, I didn't need to make it worse. I thought about opening my eyes and get on with it, yet I couldn't do it. It had been so long since I felt this warmth, I was reluctant to throw it away.

"Hey, hey mochi, come back here. Don't get up yet..." He pulls me back down against him and I'm eternally grateful, because of the horrible hangover I'm having.

I groan and bury my face in his neck, hoping he blames it on the after effects of alcohol. His chuckles soothing me, even through I know he's laughing at me. "Shut up, Hajime. Don't feel good."

"I'm aware mochi, you drank a lot and ate nothing." He wraps his arm around my head and leans in close, whispering into my ear, "It's alright, mochi. I'm here, I've got you." His body encases mine, my toes rubbing against his hamstring, my hands touching the muscles on his back, his waist against mine completely flushed against each other.

I could feel his breath at the top of my head, one of his hands holding my waist while the other lightly stroked my exposed thigh. It felt like heaven for the first time in months. A tender, gentle feeling spreading through my chest. I hope this never ends.

―

Hours had passed when Iwaizumi's phone rang in the middle of a movie. An incoming call during his day off was an uncommon occurrence, even when he was in high school. Even though I didn't want to part from his arms, I knew this call could be an emergency. I started to loosen my grip on him so he could answer it, but instead he pulled my arms back in place. "Hold on."

Just like that, he shifted onto his back bringing me along with him, setting me on top of his chest. If he noticed me blushing, he didn't mention it. He answered the call without looking, putting it on speaker with a clear and gruff, "Yes?"

"Haji! How's my haji haji?~"

The sound of Jae's voice made my blood run cold, her haji? I looked at him but saw nothing but annoyance written on his face, "What do you need Jae?"

"Aww, don't you have time for me? I haven't seen you in since YN's wedding, so I wanted to see if you wanted to go out somewhere? Like we used to! We always had so much fun and-"

"No."

My eyes widen at his curt answer to her, I had rarely heard him answer so cold and it was always to people that had stepped the line.

"...What?"

"I'm busy, Jae. Sorry, but no."

"How about tommorrow then? Please haji?" The sweetness in her voice overflowing, it made me nauseaous.

"No, sorry but I'm not available ever. Now if you'll excuse me, you interrepted me."

"On what?"

"On the same reason I'm not available to anyone. Cuddling my wife."

―

Give me your one moment I will take hold of the clouds which taunts you far away Bring you close into me where comfort wraps your heart replacing pain with smiles Tender kisses I will lay on your cheeks leaving no trace of tears Hum the tunes of harmony soothe the wounds that burn erasing it's memory In the arms of gentle love I will cradle you with care as you slowly breathe peace All night long I will stay by your side and wake you with whispers of the morning

Gentle Love by Meena S.

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

A/N: Took me awhile to write this chpt ngl, I wrote and rewrote it so many times but I finally (FINALLY) got what I wanted out of it :D now... on to the next lol

[hitozy]

Love the new chapter of owwaw! I know I’ve already said this but I’ll say it once again: I LOVE TOBIO SUPPORTIVE KING

I feel like he’s the friend we all wish we had 😩

As for Iwa, I think he’s mad because he knows that he’s losing her. She doesn’t want to talk to him and he knows that the only reason she is, is because she didn’t see the caller ID. Otherwise, I’m sure she wouldn’t have spoken to him so soon.

I LOVE CONNIE!!! She seems like a great therapist and I’m happy that y/n went to her. It was much needed. Especially because I think y/n hasn’t really explored the depth of her emotions/feelings. Does she really love him? Or is she confusing feeling safe for love? Because those are 2 completely different things. Anyhow, I’m glad she’s going to finally explore and figure that out.

Speaking of the anniversary, let me find out it’s gonna be a celebration not for their marriage but for their divorce 😩 (I’m all for it, your honor)

I don’t know but I feel like once she takes a step back, she’ll be making a lot of realizations about what she really wants and who it is she wants to be with. Iwa can’t blame her if she leaves this mess not loving him anymore.

But thanks for updating! I love this so much 💕

This... took a long time to answer, and I'm so sorry :(

Tobio is a king, in and outside of the court💙 I'm just happy everyone loves him (because he deserves it) and making them therapy buddies makes me happy.

I can only say one thing: the phone call won't be the last we hear from Iwa. That's all.

'm sorry this week's update is going to be late, but I'd rather post nothing that give you all an awful chapter :(

[hitozy]

Ahhhh that latest chapter was painful!! Jae is seriously a deranged person. I’m sure she’ll get what she deserves soon. Also, I’m sorry but both Iwa and Jae are trash for doing what they did. Having sex in her bed? That’s soooo disgusting. I’d never speak to them again.

I’m still pushing for divorce lmao because I wholeheartedly believe that’s the best option. They married for ALL the wrong reasons and Iwa only viewed MC as a backup plan pretty much.

I’m glad she’s going to Connie. I think that’s a great step towards self-healing.

ONCE AGAIN, I LOVE TOBIO IN THIS

thank you so much for updating 💕

I've read one too many fics about toxic (or super dumb, I'm sorry but Ive read too many that just make me wanna slap them) readers that need therapy and don't. Do. It. I'm making a reader that ✨grows✨ so we will have to see what yn decides~

Sorry about the pain... But there's more to come 😊