#owwaw💔

[hitozy]

𝐝𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐥𝐬

excelsior ‹ masterlist › anemone

I feel before I see the sunlight filtering through the light curtains in the bedroom. It warms the sliver of naked skin exposed by the heavy arm on my back. I can make out the sounds of birds chirping outside the window, their day already starting.

Blinking my eyes open, I look at the alarm clock and groan at the early time, burying my face in my pillow trying to will myself back to sleep, but in the back of my mind, the prickling feeling of anxiety starts to wake up, reminding me of the deadline of the new article I’m writing about looming around the corner.

Before I can even make a decision about it, the arm on my back wraps itself around my waist and pulls me into a hard chest. I loop my arms underneath his and wrap myself around him, burying my head in his neck, his breathing tickling the top of my head as he molds his body against mine, like he has since the beginning.

“It’s Saturday, stay with me love.” He grumbles into my hair, his voice laced thick with sleep making it deeper than usual. One of his hands is resting on top of my butt, the other is drawing lazy circles on my back, lifting my shirt up the higher he goes. I made a sound of agreement and we stayed in each other's arms for as long as we could.

It’s strange, when we both can and have the time available to just lay in bed and absorb each other's presence like this. Our mornings are usually so charged with things to do and the nights as well, but through trial and error we have both learned from our mistakes, we have grown from our stubbornness and lessened the arguments. We learned to communicate better, to trust each other and grow together. We have a system made, we have our relationship established and put in place, we have much more than I had ever dreamed.

So when moments like these come, even when either one of us has so much on our hands to do, we stay and indulge in little things. He enjoys the way I fall slack against his chest, lips pressing kisses along the column of his neck, lazily and messy, still half asleep in his arms as he sighs and relaxes in my ministrations. 

His hands follow and trail the bones of my arms, my neck and back, adding pressure with his fingers at every dip and lift of muscle that he can find. I suck and roll the skin on the conjecture between his shoulder and neck, leaving a mark there. He groans low as he shifts his hips against mine, interlacing our legs together and providing much needed friction.

We are soon interrupted by the light pattering of tiny feet running down the hall to our bedroom, and I can’t help but smile against his neck as he chuckles at the little intruder opening the door quietly.

Kiyoomi stretches out our intertwined legs and I feel the small hand clutch his foot so the little one can pull himself up on the bed after throwing the plushie up. We soon feel the weight of a little one on the bed, crawling its way up until he’s standing behind Kiyoomi, his little hand shaking Kiyoomi’s shoulder tentatively.

“Mama? Papa?” Kota whisper-shouts at us and I bite Kiyoomi’s neck to stop us both from laughing, he retaliates with a pinch on my ass and I squeal at it, blowing our cover. Looking over his shoulder, I find Kota inches away from my face, his favorite green bunny plush that Kiyoomi had bought for him before he was born tightly in his arms, a brilliant smile on his face.

“Monin’ mama!”

Kiyoomi reaches behind and carries Kota inside our arms, laying him in between us. Wrapping his arms around me and Kota, squishing our faces together. Kota giggles as he kisses both our cheeks somehow, “Monin’ papa!”

Kiyoomi nuzzles his cheek against Kota, bringing out a fit of giggles from the little boy, “Morning, bun. How are you awake so early?”

Kota frees himself from his fathers grip and sits on the pillow in between our heads, pulling his bunny close to his chest, “Hungy, wan’ bekfas.” I look at Kiyoomi to watch his half lidded eyes watching our son, a smile plastered on his face and a caring gaze directed toward him. It doesn’t matter that three years have passed, Kiyoomi still looks at Kota like the day he was born. Eyes filled with joy and care, comfort and love, awestruck by the little ray of sunshine. It always makes my heart clench to know that Kiyoomi sees Kota as his son and reciprocates the unmeasured love.

Before we can answer our boy, his tummy rumbles, a clear sign of his predicament.

Kiyoomi looks down at me, a little twinkle in his eye, “Pancakes?”

I gave him a quick peck, “Pancakes.”

Kota springs up and jumps giddy on the bed, pulling on Kiyoomi’s shirt, “Pancakes!”

                                                    ―

Kiyoomi walks down the hall of his home with Kota at tow after helping make his bed. The once empty hallway is now covered in picture frames and diplomas. When they had moved in, the only picture that was up on the wall was of YN’s first ultrasound, now it has a variety of frames with pictures of memories that they share. Of YN’s graduation picture and diploma along with Kiyoomi’s, of Kota in their arms for the first time, of all his birthdays and holidays. Of friends and family, of everyone they care and love for, of their achievements and goals.

He adores every single one of them.

Kota is tugging his hand to hurry him up towards the kitchen, so Kiyoomi picks him up and blows a raspberry on his tummy, a fit of giggles awakening once again. If someone had once told him that he would be doing this at 25, he would have probably gagged.

Today? He wouldn’t change it for anything, not his son or his girlfriend. Nothing.

As soon as they enter the kitchen the sweet smell of syrup and whipped cream engulfs them, the growling in Kota’s tummy stronger than before. The table is already made, fruits and meats on it, only missing the key food. Kiyoomi settles his son on his chair and makes his way to the love of his life, making pancakes. He wraps his arms around her waist as he presses his front against her back and kisses from her neck down to her shoulder, “Morning, love.”

She turns and kisses him, her lips in perfect synchrony with his own. The heat in his stomach makes an appearance and he knows he has to cut it short, before he traumatizes his son. She grinds her ass against him and he breaks the kiss, swallowing a moan and completely detaching himself from her feeling a bit disheveled, openly glaring at her.

She smirks at him, fully aware of his predicament, “Maybe later, but you need to calm down now” , she teases him as she hands over a plate filled with pancakes.

He swats her ass as he makes his way out, her look of amusement following his moves as she shuts off the stove, he grumbles a “Smart ass” before smiling at Kota’s sparkling eyes.

She winks at Kiyoomi over the little ones head, sticking her tongue out at him playfully before serving the boy his breakfast.

Breakfast is sticky and goey and extremely messy, but so utterly sweet when Kota is making happy noises, finishing everything from on his plate, that Kiyoomi can’t bring himself to hate it.

                                                   ―

When Kiyoomi was single, he would spend his weekends either training by himself or with Komori, or he would clean his room/apartment from head to toe. Now, as a professional athlete and family man, some things have changed. 

He no longer spends the whole weekend training and cleaning, instead he cleans for an hour at night and trains some afternoons, keeping the rest of his day open to spend with you and Kota. As the years pass though, he wishes he could reduce his training times so he can spend more time with the both of you. Especially moments like now, when he is kissing you before he leaves, at the door while Kota looks up at him gripping his legs saying his goodbyes for a few hours.

He knows you’ll be working on your article that should be coming out next week, a column you had in the newspaper about twenty first century love advice, and he still finds it comical that you would want to do it. But the way you pour your heart and soul to ever word in it makes him extremely proud. Watching you get immersed in your art is something he could do for hours, if he takes pictures of you during that time, well.

It is his phone.

The drive to the gym is unnecessarily long and clings unhappily to his skin, he’s already calculating how much time is left before he can go home and he hasn’t even parked yet.

He takes off his mask as he makes his way to the gym with the three hyperactive musketeers trailing behind him, carrying too much energy for him to even want to interact.

Kota is easier to be with than the other three, even when the bunny boy is high on sugar.

What does lighten his mood a bit is when Atsumu mentions the National Team getting a new trainer. Starting next month, his schedule is going to change and his family is already preparing for it, if the handmade schedule you made meant anything by it.

He would have to train three days a week with MSBY and the other three with the National Team. Those living outside the country would be brought in as the starting day of the Olympics comes near. His training times will be shifted to the mornings instead of middays and afternoons, meaning he will still be able to see Kota when he gets home but he won’t be seeing him in the morning before he leaves.

He is about to ask Miya if he knows the new trainer when Bokuto interrupts him, loudly. “Oh! Shoyo told me about him! That killer setter guy, Oikawa, went to his same high school! Right, Shoyo? He’s gotta be good!”

He listens to the tangerine haired man agree nonchalantly, but his eyes are shifting in a way that has Kiyoomi freezing and missing the toss Atsumu throws at him, letting the ball roll on the floor with soft thumps. The bleached haired man eyes him worriedly as he tries to push Bokuto off of him when he exclaims about never tossing him anything when he never misses like Kiyoomi.

He feels his heart skip a beat at the new information, cold sweat drenching his back and he has barely begun working out. His left hand is shaking and he finds himself clenching it in his other hand to stop it. The voices of his teammates mix together in the background as he tries to focus.

Kiyoomi rationalizes in his mind the simple facts that could stop his mind from spiraling:

He moved to the US. He has a life there now. He doesn’t have a reason to come back.

There are many people that went to Aoba Johsai and could have become trainers. It was irrational to think that he could be the only one to become a personal trainer, regardless of his studies. 

Shoyo knew too many people from opposing schools, this guy could be from the first year lineup back then.

He can’t take away Kota.

He gasps at the last thought worming inside his brain and takes captive of his logical thinking. Kiyoomi is not afraid of him, but he is afraid that if he ever comes back, he will try to take Kota away from them. Kiyoomi is stated as Kota’s father in every legal document but there are laws that can help him and that mere thought causes the athlete to, in your words, flip the fuck out.

Kiyoomi just stands there, looking at his sneakers for a bit when he realizes that the white noise in the background is not him tuning out, but instead an eerie silence in the usually loud gym. When he looks up, he notices that Atsumu isn’t the only one observing him, but the entire team is standing still, and Shoyo…

Shoyo is biting his lip when Kiyoomi faces him, when Kiyoomi asks him, implores him, “Please tell me it is not him.”

Because if there is anyone that would know if he was coming back, it was either Oikawa, Kageyama or Shoyo. And all three of them work together in clockwork since they are friends, so if one knew, the others did as well.

“Yo, Tsumu, who’s him?” Bokuto whispers-shouts beside them before they hear Atsumu shushing, “Bro, not the time.”

When Shoyo looks back at him, eyes filled with remorse and heartbreak, something Kiyoomi almost feels like it's a reflection of his own eyes and he feels utterly defeated by it. 

He can see all the ways this is going to mess up his, yours and Kota’s schedule because he’s coming back.

Iwaizumi Hajime is coming back to Japan.

This time the silence was longer. She said only one more thing before we hung up: “Going back to something is harder than you think.” I don’t suppose I could have broken my mother’s heart any more if I tried.

For One More Day by Mitch Albom

ᴀᴜᴛʜᴏʀ’s ɴᴏᴛᴇ― im back! sorry this took longer than expected, but I kind of wanted to flesh out this last part of the series, that way I can actually post on time instead of making you all wait for the ending~ I have a couple of extra/mini stories for this series as well, a bit more insight of the past for reader and iwaizumi, along with sakusa and baby kota in the mix ♥ just to make you all feel loved for my long hiatus on the fic.

i’ll see you soon for next weeks update (;

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​​  @zukoslosthishonor​​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya​ @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy​ @all-in-the-fandoms​ @katsuera​​

[hitozy]

enubilous ‹ masterlist › nefarious

𝐏𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐫

The minute the divorce lawyer called me to say that the papers were through and I was officially a divorcee, I had the strongest urge to call Iwaizumi. I actually found myself looking at his contact on my phone, thumb hovering over it and I couldn't explain why.

It was over, it was done, I couldn't be with him and he didn't want to be with me; so why do I still want to call him and check if he's okay?

It took a while for me to actually compromise with myself (and my brain) to instead call my parents and tell them the news, but that didn't go as planned.

"Your dad's out on work, kiddo," answered my mom after the third ring, "I'm about to head out to your grandma's house to clean it up a bit. Is this thing urgent?"

"I-" I stopped myself from telling her, realizing how shitty it would be for all of us to say that what Iwaizumi and I had ended, instead I said "I actually need to talk to you both about something... do you think I can go this weekend over?"

"How bad is it that you need to come and tell us?"

I chuckled, "I promise, its not so bad, depending on how you see it."

To say that my parents were upset was an understatement, my usually calm and stoic father was full of rage, cursing everyone and everything that came in his way to the kitchen. Meanwhile, my mother sat in front of me, eyes empty and eerily quiet, something I had determined to be extremely bad since a child.

It took a while for dad to come back and sit down beside her, holding her hand as he used his other one to support his head.

"How could they do that?" Mom asked in a small voice, I can see her hands shaking, full of emotion. "How could those two just look at her, look at you", she caresses my cheek softly, tears running down her own steadily, "and hurt you that way? I just-" she sobbed as she pulled me close to her, and cradled me in between her and dad.

"My sweet butterfly, you deserved a better man- a better family. I'm sorry."

I couldn't stop the tears running down my cheeks, wetting the front of my mother's shirt nor how tightly I was clutching my dad's hand. I had already known about my failed relationship with Iwaizumi would end this way, I had come to terms with it but it wasn't until I came into the home where I have so many memories with him, pictures of a lifetime with him, that I finally understood. It was the end, I would not see Iwaizumi again.

I took all the comfort my parents offered that weekend, all the love and watched late at night, while my parents thought that I was sleeping, as they gathered my wedding pictures and burned them in the backyard. I watched the smoke carry the ashes of a past that will never come back.

There was going to be a family reunion on the following weekend, but I decided against going. I wasn't ready to see everyone and tell them that I couldn't keep Iwaizumi at the end.

On the Monday after the reunion, I came face to face with someone from my past that I never expected at the front of my university. I wondered why, since we had not spoken in so long and did seem like we ever would again, but I decided to woman up and listen.

Which brought me here, in a lovely coffee shop, close to Iwaizumi's house, in front of Jae.

She looked as lovely as ever, an icy princess, and it made me wonder when she changed. The thought didn't last long, it was none of my business and at the end of the day it didn't matter. What she did and will do has nothing to do with me.

We didn't speak for awhile, just sitting across from each other sipping our drinks in an awkward silence. I had half a mind to just get up and leave but there was something in the way she kept on deflecting her gaze whenever I caught her, the way her pinky was twitching, the way the coffee mug in her hands was slightly shaken that made me stay.

"My parents want to disown me, even though I'm their only child, because of what we did."

I stayed silent, I didn't think my parents would go out and tell everyone... at least not that fast but I wasn't completely surprised.

"Iwaizumi went yesterday to our home town and told everyone about what he and I did, and how you divorced him because of his reckless choices. He got on his knees in front of your parents and fucking apologized like an idiot."

...He did what?

"Then he told my parents how it happened and said something about not deserving forgiveness or whatever."

She continued to rant but I zoned her out. Iwaizumi... went and apologized? To my parents? I had called them the night before, after the reunion was over to ask them about it, but they didn't say a word about this. Why didn't they?

I remember them saying that Iwaizumi's parents were there, but that in itself wasn't surprising either after so many years of friendship...Wait. Does that mean that they witnessed Iwaizumi's confession? Did they go to apologize for him as well? It made me sick to my stomach imagining his parents apologizing for him mistakes. They did nothing wrong, it was all on us.

"Why did you divorce him? Did you not realize it would affect all of us?"

Her last comment shook me out of the million thoughts in my mind.

"... Are you kidding me, Jae? Are you serious right now?"

She huffed, "You did it on purpose, didn't you? Why would you do this to me, to you, to him?"

It was like I was back in her apartment, months ago, demanding an answer that would break everything apart. An answer that was meaningless at the end of it all.

"Why am I here? Are you looking for an answer to your shitty karma? To my shitty karma? Fuck this and fuck you, Jae."

I got my things together and got up, she gripped my wrist tightly and gave me a demanding glare that only made me angrier than before.

"I am not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren't mine.” I pulled my wrist from her grip and exited the café, a huge weight being lifted from my chest and for the first time in my life, I felt like I could fly.

Connie applauded enthusiastically at my retelling of this past week, she had a shit eating grin that I wouldn't change for the world, "Now that's improvement! It must have felt amazing finally letting it all out and cutting all of the ties."

"It did and I feel... free. Like I can breathe again, like I can finally start my life."

She gave me an expectant look, "Then what are you waiting for?"

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

A muffled deep voice sounds from across me, its strong yet quiet due to library policies. I look up and I'm met by dark eyes, dark curly hair and that's all I can see, since the face mask covers more than 50% of his face.

He waits patiently for my response as I think it over. He's a complete stranger to me and up until now I had never even crossed paths with him, but his eyes look a bit like Kageyama's, a bit like mine.

I give him a faint smile, "Sure, I don't mind."

I watch him from my peripheral vision as he pulls out disinfectant wipes and wipes down his area, wiping down the chairs as well before settling down. Its a bit strange, but I suppose they can be a bit dirty after a while. They don't really clean school regularly and with how stressed people are, they get sick all the time.

I try to ignore the icky feeling I suddenly get, swallowing the nausea that seems to pop up every now ant then, and make a note on my phone to bring disinfectant wipes from now on, the last thing I need is to get sick.

After that, we work in silence on our own projects and I'm surprised on how comfortable I feel being around this stranger. I'm quite sure that I've never met him before and yet I don't feel... out of place. I peer up to look at him and I'm frozen in place.

He had, at some moment, taken off his face mask and was typing away on his computer, occasionally looking at the book beside it. I wish I could look at see what its about, but I'm a bit shell shocked.

He is extremely handsome.

I took in his jaw, sharp and defined, if he clenched it I knew I would be able to see all of the muscles there ripple under his skin. The slope of his nose reminded me of the exchange student in my class, he had called it a 'celestial nose', a concave leading to a slightly raise tip and it made my hand itch with the wish of gliding my finger down it, under it to his pinkish lips.

I glanced higher and noticed that he didn't have curly hair, it was actually wavy, reminding me of the time the whole world was succumbed under the 'beach waves' aesthetic. There wasn't a girl in my class that didn't want it and if they saw him right now, they'd be green with jealousy at how he seamlessly pulled it off. Underneath the fringe of wavy hair, above his eyebrow on the right side of his face sat two moles like a colon and beneath it were his dark brown eyes, they were piercing right into my soul as if they could find all the mysteries in the world if they just kept on looking.

That's when I noticed that he was looking at me.

"Are you all right?"

I blushed deeply, embarrassed at being caught by this stranger.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I uhm. Sorry."

I looked back down at my book and acted as if I was fully concentrated on that. It was a bit hard to gain the concentration though, not when his gaze seemed to fall to me every few minutes.

Colon guy, as I had dubbed him, started to appear randomly ever since that day at the library. From going to not ever seeing him, now I saw him every where I went because it turns out that we are in the same department. We also share a class, I found this out when I came in late once and sat beside him, at first I didn't recognize him because of the face mask, but when I noticed the colon moles on his forehead I was brought back to my embarrassing moment and the blush never left me until after class.

Another development was that since our first encounter, he now sits with me every day after class to do homework. We don't really talk or interact, other than acknowledging each other before either one of us sits down across from the other.

It's strange and yet extremely comforting, which makes me feel strange while I tell Connie all of this.

"But you had never noticed him before?"

"Never, Connie and it's so... weird!"

"Why? Because he caught you staring at him?"

"Because he's caught me staring at him, multiple times, Connie! I was finishing the script for the school play yesterday, and without realizing it I stared at his face for 30 minutes."

"Oh my."

"That's not all! He," I groan, pulling up my shoeless feet (Connie lets me take off my shoes and relax, sometimes joining me) on the couch, "he asked me if he had anything on his face and I said," I buried my face in my hands, blushing at the memory, "I said 'You're so lovely and beautiful.'"

I didn't need to look up to know Connie was trying to repress her laughter, I couldn't blame her either feeling like an utter fool at my lack of brain to mouth filter at yesterday's anecdote.

I was getting into the final act, bringing all the elements together for the romantic ending scene and as I was writing the last paragraph I had looked up not thinking I would get lost in my new homework companions face again. I wondered if I could get away with writing about his face for my creative writing poem about gods.

Connie cleared her throat, and yet I could still hear the laughter in her voice, "What did he say?"

My blush deepened, I wringed the elastic band on my wrist, "He said," I groan mortified, "He said, 'Shouldn't you know my name first, then flirt?' I-" Connie's laughter interrupts me and I can't even be mad at it, it was ridiculous.

Once she's calmed down a bit, she glances at me with a teasing glimmer in her eyes, "And? What did you tell him?"

"I didn't say anything Connie! Thank fuck Tobio texted me saying he was outside waiting for me or else I would've made a bigger fool out of myself!"

"Did you see him today at class?"

I throw my head back, resting it on its arm, keeping my eyes on her ceiling, "I did."

"... Are you going to tell me what happened or are we doing 20 questions again?"

I giggle at it, our second session had been a nightmare at me opening up since it was after getting the call from Iwaizumi.

"He sat beside me in class, he usually just sits at the back at glares at everyone, but he sat beside me and offered me hand sanitizer. When I met him at the library, he had cleaned my area and it smelled like lavender. He even said, 'See you tomorrow butterfly girl.'"

"Do neither of you know your names?"

"Nope."

Connie chuckles at my response, "Hopeless, have you asked him?"

"No, Connie. As you can see, I am too busy making a fool out of myself to even ask for anything, let alone make a coherent and reasonable sentence."

She laughs at my sarcastic tone and pats my foot, "At least you have a new companion other than Kageyama and your classmates."

I hum at that, and think for a bit if I should tell her what has been swarming my thoughts recently. I'm still not very sure but every time I think about it, it just... feels right. I know Connie notices my hesitation, I know in the way she stays quiet but there's reassurance in her eyes. There's no rush or annoyance and I appreciate it, since this would be the second time I say it out loud.

"Is it bad that I might... want something more than friendship though?"

"Why would it be?"

"It's been two months since the divorce, but sometimes when I'm around this guy I just... I feel this pull and I kind of, might want something with him but at the same time I don't? I'm just really confused... I don't know how to navigate this."

She smiles at me, the smile that calms me instantly, "YN, you don't have to be in a relationship to be with someone. Maybe you can get closer to him and figure it out slowly, let it flow naturally. Also, how long you've been separated doesn't matter as long as YOU feel like its right."

"...I think I'm in love with you Connie."

"Take me out on a date first, you little gremlin."

We burst out laughing as the sunshine filtered the room. Things are starting to look better after all.

petrichor | \ˈpeˌtrīkôr \ | (n.) : a pleasant smell that frequently accompanies the first rain after a long period of warm, dry weather.

a/n! hiiiiii. long time no see, and I am so very sorry - october kicked my butt and hard, but I'm much better and back on my shit again. There wasn't much Iwaizumi in this chapter but I will compensate it on the next one, since it will be from Iwaizumi's POV.

I hope you are all doing swell and obvs, happy halloween & in advance, feliz dia de muertos a mis queridos lectores ;)

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

synopsis:

What could go wrong when you marry the love of your life and childhood friend, who is actually in love with your cousin? Apparently a lot.

“So go ahead, break my heart. Break it into a million pieces! I give you permission, Iwaizumi Hajime, please just - don’t leave me.”

pairing: Iwaizumi Hajime x femreader // Sakusa Kiyoomi x femreader

genre: angst, fluff, one sided, childhood friends, arranged marriages, +18, mature.

prologue: you fit into me

part i.

❧ 01. never give all the heart

❧ 02. appeal

❧ 03. take, oh those lips away

❧ 04. oh yes

❧ 05. gentle love

❧ 06. all you who sleep tonight

❧ 07. twin stars

❧ 08. he and i

❧ 09. have you ever

❧ 10. remorse is memory awake

part ii.

❧ 11. denouement

❧ 12. desiderium

❧ 13. filipendulous

❧ 14. ephemeral

❧ 15. enubilous

❧ 16. petrichor

❧ 17. nefarious

❧ 18. rubatosis

❧ 19. cavalier

❧ 20. excelsior

part iii.

❧ 21. daffodils

❧ 22. anemone

❧ 23. ...writing

a/n! i’ve been wanting to write angst lately, so i’m going to pour it onto this fic so it doesn’t interfere with my hinata smau. i’d say enjoy but uh - its pretty sad tbh, i’m sorry.

edit: this turned out... to be much longer than expected but much better than what was originally planned. i hope you all enjoy the heartbreak with me. // had to add the new relationship ~

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy @all-in-the-fandoms @katsuera

[hitozy]

nefarious ‹ masterlist › cavalier

𝐑𝐮𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐬

Entry log >>

Novel butterfly is typing…

Have you ever had such an god awful month, that you actually don’t think it could get worse… but then it does and all your brain can process is to burn all of your most sacred memories in the firepit your parents have in their backyard while holding your boyfriends hand while ugly sobbing at the biggest loss of your life… when it shouldn’t even be you that’s crying?

That’s how this month is ending for me.

It all starts with misscommunication.

ᴅᴀʏ 01.

We start to talk a bit when we are together in the library - I find out that while he does want to spend the rest of his life playing volleyball (until he physically can’t), he wants to have a degree as a backup and remembering the way that Oikawa would destroy his knees, I fully support it. There’s also no doubt in my mind that he will get recruited the moment he graduates, if not before that, even if he says so.

How he starts to open up to me, slowly and then all at once, until I know things that many others wish they could.

I find out that he dislikes germs from people that he doesn’t know, meaning that by now he’s alright with me touching him or getting into his space without provoking a panic attack. I came to understand and sympathize with him after our first encounter, you never know where people have been.

I learn how he started playing volleyball and had yet to quit because it had no ends to meet or how it was his cousin that got him hooked onto it, how he sometimes misses his days in high school and how he doesn’t necessarily hate anyone, just questions their morality or lack of.

How he didn’t like ordering online unless he had been to the store beforehand because it might be suspicious, which made me question my expectations in life.

Or how much of a curious cat he actually is, always wondering, looking, searching for an answer.

He eventually asks what I like to drink and soon after he starts bringing different kinds of flavors of coffees and teas, it never fails to make my heart stutter or how he sometimes brings me a muffin or pastry on the days I had mentioned to be filled with classes without any breaks, like today.

I get there earlier than him and wipe down the whole table and chairs with disinfectant wipes that I have somehow carried everywhere and feel disgusting if I don’t use them. I know it has a lot to do with Colon guy explaining germs and his germaphobia, how gross it all sounded. Once done I sat down and pulled out all of my things to start with my homework until Kageyama could pick me up.

I can feel more than hear when he’s close to our table, I had begun to recognize or at least predict his presence around me that was at first intimidating is now much more calming, more present and real. He sits down in front of me, knowing I had cleaned beforehand, trusting me as he had begun to do it once he caught me cleaning a few weeks ago, handing me milk tea and a blueberry muffin while setting aside his coffee.

I groan after I take a sip of the drink, “You need to stop bringing me these things, my jeans are starting to get tight and I cannot go a size up.”

He rolls his eyes and scoffs as he takes out his things, “You haven’t eaten all day, you need to take care of yourself.”

I grunt in disagreement, not wanting to say anything as to advance in a petty conversation and continue to work on my homework. I can hear him sigh and from the corner of my eye, I can see him shake his head in exasperation; whether it's towards me or someone else is something I’ll have to figure out later, I need to read 25 pages first.

“You’re beautiful just the way you are, butterfly. You need not worry about that ever.”

This is not something that is new, the casual flirting started the day I blurted out loud how beautiful he is and continued. That doesn’t mean my heart stops beating faster or I stop blushing at his words, words spoken so tender and soft, holding so much affection that I need a few minutes to stop my eyes from watering.

I never reply to them, but whenever I look up to see his face, his eyes tell me that he knows I appreciate it, that I am aware of his sentiments and that’s enough.

He figures out my name before I do, it's during the third week in our shared class that he says it, that he calls for me to sit with him and I blush at the sound of my name coming out of his lips, with his deep voice. He doesn’t mention it, but from the way he's smirking (because he takes his face mask off whenever I’m around), I know that he’s aware of what I’m thinking.

He doesn’t tell me his( “I figured out yours by asking around and paying attention, now it's your turn, little butterfly.”), and I figure it out until we are partnered up for a project.

Sakusa Kiyoomi.

I laughed out loud when I found out, I had read his name a few times on VB magazines and heard from the VB club about him in between bitter words and harsh criticism, and even when he gives me a weird look after apologizing and saying it's not what he thinks, I can’t stop.

Looks like my type is solely VB ace’s.

ᴅᴀʏ 02.

Getting partnered with Kiyoomi, he refuses to let me call him Sakusa, is one of the best things that could have happened to me. He’s very different from all the men I have met, and yet a bit similar in some cases.

He’s quiet, but not in a way that’s exasperating. He just knows when he should intervene or give his opinion. That doesn’t mean he won’t sass me every now and then, but it doesn’t matter if he’s going to give me that lovely genuine smile that seems reserved only to me, for me.

We get together at Kageyama’s apartment, since it's close to University and I’m not shocked to find out that they know each other, I’m just relieved that they get along or partially get along… as long as they don’t fight it's okay with me.

The project is tedious, exhausting and overall a pain, but I’m not going to complain if I can look at Kiyoomi every now and then for breaks; or when he’s looking at me for his.

Neither one of us has mentioned out loud about this relationship we have. It's present, just there and I can feel it surround me whenever he’s around or mentioned, like a soft warm blanket in the middle of winter. I want to ask what this all is and I’m about to, until Iwaizumi calls.

It's during the call that I realize I haven’t told Kiyoomi about my relationship with Iwaizumi, about being married and now divorced, about being with another man in ways others would find hard to accept and while I try to stay professional, I’m worried about Iwaizumi. His tone is… off and I can’t help but feeling unsettled. I must show, because as soon as I hang up with him, Kiyoomi is pushing my hair out of my face and resting the back of his hand against my forehead.

“Feeling sick again? Have you gone to the doctor yet?”

I shake my head, his cool hand numbing the headache and nausea that was forming, “Not yet, but I did make an appointment for later this week. I bet it's nothing, just stress.”

He gives me a look that I know means that I’m about to get my head chewed out, so I quickly change the topic to food and work.

It seems to get him off of my case for a bit, and I’m grateful. I can’t deal with too many emotions in one day.

ᴅᴀʏ 04.

Kiyoomi asks me out on a date two days later and when I say yes, he kisses me.

His lips are soft against mine, so soft that you could confuse it for the touch of a feather, just barely grazing each other, as if testing the waters. When I incline my face to the side, following his lips, he shifts closer to me. When our lips meet again, the presence against mine is stronger yet nonetheless, soft. We let our lips naturally find their course against each other, slight smacking sounds filling the air along with our yearning.

He pulls me into his lap, the sound of crinkled paper and falling pencils background noise for us. I wrap my arms around his neck and he kisses me with more force, with much more passion than I had ever felt before.

My legs wrap around his waist as he settles me down in his lap, one of his hands rests on my thigh, caressing it circular motions, as the other one makes its way to my waist as my fingers run through his obsidian locks, and they are as soft as I’ve imagined since the first time I saw him. He lets his fingers dig into the dimples of my lower back to then feel his knuckles glide up my spine, rising goosebumps all over my skin, provoking a shudder of anticipation and a soft sigh escaping my lips, separating us for a moment. He smiles against my lips and when his hand finds purchase at the back of my neck, he pulls me back to him to continue the onslaught of our lips, much slower this time but never less passionate. I let one of my hands lower towards his chest and settle right on top of his heart.

He kisses me with so much care, so much love and his heartbeat resonates with it, I don’t realize that I’m crying until I can taste the salty tears in our sweet kiss and even though I’m overwhelmed with emotions, I don’t want him to stop, so when he starts separating himself from me, I grip his hair with both my hands and pull him back to me, turning the kiss into something more messy and raw.

He doesn’t protest, he doesn’t fight me or push me back, instead he leans back against the foot of the bed, pulling me along and settles me against his chest. His hand that was once settled on my thigh is now running slow circular motions from my hip to my knee, and the other one is cupping my cheek, running down to the side of my neck and warping his hand around my arm loosely, pulling it up to his chest, against his heartbeat where it a few moments ago.

It isn’t until our lips are more caressing each other than actually kissing that I separate. Instead he pulls me up and leans our forehead together, breathing each other's air, the position so intimate that I feel like crying all over again.

“I’m here, butterfly.” He presses his hand over mine, his heartbeat underneath our hands stronger than ever, a beautiful anchor to reality, “I’m not going away, not until you ask me to go.”

I sob at his words, at his touch and let him cradle me, he lets me bury my head in his neck.

“Never want you to go, Omi.”

He pulls me tightly against his body, “Then I’m never leaving, my love.”

We don’t get anything done that day, papers lay forgotten for the rest of the night as Kiyoomi carries us to the bed and cuddles me until I fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat matching mine.

ᴅᴀʏ 05.

The doctor's appointment doesn’t go well, or at least the outcome is terrifyingly unexpected. It's almost comical how a number has me shaking in fear, anxiously biting my nails bloody and I can barely listen to what the doctor is saying.

The only thing that crosses my mind is that I have to call someone, while the number repeats in my mind. 14. 14. 14. 14. 14.

14.

Everything turns black before the line rings.

I come back to my senses momentarily.

It takes a while before I realize that I am enveloped in warmth, have been for a while and I slowly start to come back to my senses. The noises of a busy hospital, the strong arms cradling me against a solid chest, the sound of a heartbeat resonating my own and the soft but sure murmurs of affection.

"It's going to be alright YN, just take your time, I'm right here for you."

14 weeks.

I want to ask him when or how he got here, how he found me but the words are stuck in my throat. I’m scared, I’m exhausted and I don’t know what I’m going to do. But his arms are around me and his heartbeat slows mine, I feel myself floating in the air slowly falling asleep against him. It’s been 14 weeks...

When I wake up I find myself in my bedroom back at the apartment. It's quiet except for the soft noises of someone walking around outside of my room and I wonder briefly how I got here until Kiyoomi walks into the room with a cup of tea in his hands and a surprised look on his face that makes me giggle.

He smiles at me, as he sits beside me and hands me the cup, “Here, the doctor said that ginger tea would help with the nausea.”

I take the cup and moan in appreciation as the warmth settles in my stomach, relieving a bit of the pain I was having these last few weeks. Halfway through the cup reality hits me and I find that I can’t take another sip without wanting to throw up. I place the cup on my bedside table and stare at the wall in front of me, avoiding Kiyoomi’s gaze.

I don’t know how to tell him and I’m so scared of his reaction to it, because it's all my fault and it's all messed up. How the hell am I going to fix this? What am I going to do?

“I know you’re pregnant.”

My thoughts freeze the moment he speaks, I don’t dare look at him.

“The doctor told me when you passed out from a panic attack, which by the way scared the shit out of me, he gave me a list of prenatal vitamins and stuff. I already ordered them online, should be here in a couple of days, if not sooner. You also have a follow up appointment next week for an ultrasound. I made sure that it was set up after practice to be able to get there at time, and I’ll make sure to tell coach to not set up any matches or practice matches once we make the appointments-”

“What?” I look at him, shocked eyes looking into calm and confused ones. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“About what? I tried to set up the appointment referencing your schedule and mine, so there shouldn’t be a problem?” He seemed genuinely confused at my reaction.

I really don’t understand why he’s so calm, “Omi… you do know that I’m pregnant, right?”

“I just said that, butterfly.”

“That means that this baby”, I point at my stomach, “Is not yours.”

He rolls his eyes at me and smirks, “I’m aware. Sex is involved to do that and last time I checked, thats not our case. Unless you can get pregnant from just kissing…”

“Omi! NO!”

He laughs and takes my hand, smiling as he watches our fingers intertwine, “I know what you want to say.”

We stay quiet for a while, him looking from our fingers to my abdomen every few seconds, and me watching him do this filled with so much confusion. I don’t know what is going on inside of his head and I won’t lie, I’m extremely worried. My mind can’t wrap around everything he said and mentioned, about fitting the ultrasound appointments in our schedules. OUR, not mine, ours.

“I know you used to be married, people in our class would pester you about it and I can guess that he’s the child's father.” He looks up to me to confirm, when I nod he continues, “I also know that he’s not in the picture anymore...”

I guess it's the moment of truth, I’m just thankful that he doesn’t see me as a cheater or less, “We’re divorced.”

He looks at me surprised, “Really?”

When I nod, he’s surprised face turns confused, “Really…”

“Why are you so surprised? You kind of knew we weren’t involved anymore.”

He looked me straight in the eye, completely serious as his fingers tightened against mine, “I thought he was dead, I couldn’t think of another reason why anyone would willingly leave you.”

A sad smile appeared on my face, “Some people would disagree.”

He pulled me towards him, changing our positions to him laying against the bed’s headboard, making me sit on his lap with a smile, “Some people are stupid, that includes your ex.”

“He’s not stupid. He just… he loved her more than me.” I whispered in a small voice and I saw a glimmer of understanding in his eye, as if my words were the last piece of the puzzle. He pulled me close and kissed my forehead, one of his hands caressing the slightly protruded bump.

“So… stupid AND a jackass.”

I burst out laughing, “Oh my god, Omi!”

He chuckles and ends up looking at the roof, as if finding it the most interesting thing in the world.

The air around us feels light, but the weigh on my chest, on my abdomen feels heavy as led. Unable to look at his face, I focus on a spot on the wall, trying to get my mind back in place.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do, Kiyoomi.”

He doesn’t say anything, but he graze of his knuckles on my spine tells me he’s listening and to continue. It takes a few minutes to finally voice out everything.

“I didn’t want to get pregnant, I didn’t want kids now, I-” I try to calm down my breathing, “I had everything planned you know? I would get married to him, keep my studies and graduate. Get a job at Asahi Shimbun and after getting settled into my job, start thinking about kids. But,” I stutter, feeling tears well up and trying so hard to push them back, unsuccessfully, “But now here I am, divorced before the first year anniversary, still in school and 14 week pregnant living with my best friend and getting your shirt covered in snot and tears and I-” I sob into his chest, “I don’t know if I can do this, Omi, I really really don’t know.”

He stays silent, maybe because he doesn’t know what to say or maybe because he knows that there is nothing he can say to make me feel better, but he shifts so that we are facing each other and pulls me tight against him, letting me borrow my face into his neck and let out everything.

When the afternoon sunset glows through my bedroom window, he finally speaks.

“I don’t know if you want him in your life for this, and I… I am not going to stop you. But ever since your doctor told me, I have been reading all of these articles and news and it's...”, he pulls me tight against him, the hesitance in his face makes my heart beat faster, “I think you should tell him that you’re pregnant. I know you- I know this is a lot, but maybe getting his input might help you make a decision?” His voice is uncertain and I can sympathize with it, this is unmarked territory for me too.

“I am.” I sigh more than say, feeling weak and unmotivated.

“Good.”

His body is still against mine, and I realize that he’s avoiding my gaze.

“...Are you okay, Kiyoomi?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You haven’t looked at me for a while now.”

His eyes snap back into focus and gaze at me for a moment, a question hidden deep down that seems to be drowning everything he wants to voice, but afraid of the answer.

“Spit it out, Kiyoomi.”

He hesitates for a moment and detaches himself a bit from our entangled limbs, it makes me miss his body heat immediately. I want to pull him back.

“I don’t want to assume but,” he sighs sadly and his smile is reluctant, “you’ll get back together with him, won’t you?”

His words don’t make sense to me. I hear them, I process them and it still doesn’t make sense. I’m getting back together with Iwaizumi? Why would that happen? I stare at him, eyes wide from confusion. He continues to give me that smile and I want to pull it off of his face, I don’t like it. When his eyes focus back on me, I can see a momentary lapse of loss before he looks away and avoids my gaze. It hits me like a ton of bricks why I don’t like his expression. It’s the same one I had on mine when I had sudden reminders of how Iwaizumi wasn’t mine.

Kiyoomi thinks I don’t want him.

“Whatever he decides,” I caress his cheek, “it won’t change our relationship, Omi.” I bite my bottom lip, blushing, “If you still want one with me, that is. Since, I’m… you know.”

He chuckles and finally peers down to meet my eyes, searching. Whatever he finds must be good, his eyes turn soft and his whole demeanor relaxes. He pulls me close and kisses me, tasting the sweetness of the tea on his tongue. It doesn’t last very long and yet, it leaves me breathless.

“I’ve wanted you for a while, if I’m honest, and you being pregnant won’t change my mind.” He takes my face between his hands and slides them down to my neck, keeping me close, his thumbs resting on my jaw and the possessiveness of the act makes my heart beat faster, his eyes hungry and yearning. “I want you, all of you. We’ll figure it out little by little, okay? You are not alone in this, love.”

I feel my face heating up, fully aware of the blush that is extending from my cheeks to my neck. He pulls me in for another kiss and before our lips touch I whisper against them a secretive, “Okay.”

14 doesn’t seem like a scary number anymore.

Later that night I get a notification from the house seller plus a bank deposit confirmation, half of what the house is worth, just like Iwaizumi promised. I hadn’t thought about how I was going to use it until today. That money is for the baby, every last cent and I’m okay with it… even if I don’t know what to do with the baby yet.

Kiyoomi had left a few hours earlier for practice, and I can’t keep him with me, even if he says its fine. I made him miss a few classes and he hates it, I can’t make him miss practice. So with a kiss and a promise to call later, he walks down to the elevator, his gaze leaving mine only when its doors close up on us.

Once he’s gone, I get a huge craving of agedashi tofu and as I’m cooking it, I realize it's Iwaizumi’s favorite with a laugh. I eat the whole pot of it and as I wash it, I curse Iwaizumi from heaven to hell and back. I can’t be eating this all the time.

When I’m back in my room, I start to make a list of things I need to get done… asap.

I have to tell the school, and Kageyama, and Mom, and Dad.

But first…

I look at Iwaizumi’s contact number, realizing I never changed his ID name. It's nostalgic and I had used it for him since I had a cellphone.

But he isn’t my one, he never was and so I change it.

Calling Iwaizumi…

I rub my tiny bump as I wait, and wait, and wait, and then I’m sent to voicemail.

Confused, I try again.

It rings and then cuts off.

I huff, frustrated. One more time.

We're sorry but the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

What the hell? I try again.

And again.

And again.

Nothing.

I stare at my cell phone screen, anxiety causing my stomach to turn uncomfortably.

“Sorry, bubba,” I rub my bump in comfort, “Just worried. Maybe he turned it off, I’ll try again tomorrow.”

ᴅᴀʏ 10.

I call him everyday, and he doesn’t answer.

I tell Kiyoomi as much after four days pass, he looks at all the calls, angrily. “Jackass.”

I hum in agreement, “I’m thinking about telling his parents, and have them tell him to call me?”

“Are you close to them?”

“We grew up together, him and I. He lived down the block from mine and we went to the same school together.”

He handed my cell phone back, “Are you going to call them?”

Sighing, I lean against his side, “I don’t have their number, I think I’ll just go to their house once I tell my parents this weekend. I was planning on seeing them last weekend by the way, but I thought it might be nice to get them one of those ultrasound pictures?”

“We’re going to need 5 copies of those.”

I pull back a little bit, and look up confused, “5 copies?”

He takes my hand, closing it into a fist. “One for you,” he pulls out a finger, “One for your parents” another finger, “One for the father’s parents” third finger, “One for me” fourth down and he pulls the fifth one straight, interlacing our hands and I shiver at the warmth coming from his against my cold one, “and one for my parents.”

My body freezes as I peer up to see him watching me, a ghost of a smile on his face, “For your parents?”

He nods, “For my parents.”

I don’t say anything else, not even when a deep red blush forms on my face at the thought of him telling his parents about me.

ᴅᴀʏ 11.

On the day of the ultrasound, Kageyama asks me at what time he should pick me up and looks confused when I answer that I have a doctor's appointment after school, so I would be seeing him at home.

He knows I went to the doctor last week, and asks if it's ‘that bad’ and not wanting to give myself away, I answer with a simple ‘depends on how you see it’.

It's the wrong answer to give, if the way Kiyoomi’s phone is blasting off. He cocks his eyebrow at me, “Is there something I need to know?”

I blush and shake my head, “He can wait until after the appointment.”

Kiyoomi only tells him that he’s accompanying me… and then turns off his phone for the rest of the day.

We met at the front gates an hour before the appointment, and made our way there. Kiyoomi hands me a face mask before we board the bus and stands in front of my seat, making sure to glare at everyone that comes close to us. I giggle every time Kiyoomi death glares at someone coming our way, making them run to another place. Or when he holds my hand, tightly in his and death glares at everyone walking opposite from us… to walk away from us quickly.

He relaxes slightly when we get to the clinic, and fortunately passed in quickly since they didn’t have any other patient waiting. The doctor is nice and comforting, explaining what this first visit would be about and explaining what everything means in her patient sheet. Apparently, I would start showing soon, if the five pound I gained in two weeks was anything to go by. Kiyoomi’s eyes sparkled at that, his excitement apparent even with his mask on and I feel giddy about it.

When it's time to do what we came for, I reach out to hold Kiyoomi’s hand, only to see that he is already doing it. The doctor gives me a secretive smile as she warns me about the cold jelly and his thumb rubs against my hand, soothing me when I tighten my hand in his at the feeling of the jelly.

It’s only seconds later that we hear a heartbeat. It's strong, letting its presence known and I can feel myself tearing up.

“Can you hear that, mom and dad? It's your baby.” She moves the wand around my abdomen, until she finds a satisfying spot and points on the screen a curved blob, “And here they are.”

I cry a bit, feeling extremely emotional at the sound and sight of this baby. I want to take back my moments of doubt and hesitance. I won’t give this baby up, it's my baby. I turn around to look at Kiyoomi, only to find him just as teary eyed as me. We laugh at each other but he comes closer as we watch the baby on the screen filled with wonder.

That night when I come back to the apartment and show Kageyama the ultrasound of my baby, explaining everything he stays silent and walks away. When he comes back, he has a photo frame in his hand.

We both watch the picture on the coffee table, cuddling and wondering about their future.

ᴅᴀʏ 12.

I’m not surprised that Kiyoomi wants to go with me to see my parents, since he kind of worked his schedule around it that weekend. I am surprised to see him outside of the apartment complex in a sleek, black car that he will drive to my parents place. It's a quiet drive and the highway is filled with drivers that should have gone to a class or two before getting on the road. It's stressful and I hear Kiyoomi cuss them out underneath his breath about safety procedures, but he holds my hand the whole way there.

When we get to the house...

I wish my parents were a bit more shocked to see me arriving with Kiyoomi.

Instead they usher him in and I have to stop my mom from asking him to stay forever. My father is cold with him at first, but he steadily works his way up and soon they are acting like old pals, both of my parents showing pictures of me through different stages of my life.

Kiyoomi smiles at all of them and doesn’t move away when they lean close, though he does stiffen up a couple of times. I have to snap at them to leave him alone, just to get attacked myself. He watches amused as I blush in embarrassment, but still fight back stubbornly.

When I pull out the ultrasound from my bag and place it in front of them, I see them glance at each other from the corner of their eye, look at me and then look back at each other. I feel Kiyoomi’s large hand grip my thigh and squeeze it, trying to comfort me during the minutes of silence that pass as my parents have a mental chat.

“...Are you okay with this?”

I nod looking straight at them, expressions serious.

“How long are you?”

“14 weeks.”

“Is it… is-”

“The baby is Haji- Iwaizumi.”

They stay silent, watching both me and Kiyoomi, calculating.

“Will you stay with her?” My father asks him, voice cold.

Kiyoomi squeezes my thigh again, and leans forward, sliding his hand up to my knee. He looks at my mom first, then at my dad. There is no hesitation in his eyes, nor in his facial expression. With a complete confidence that I wish I could have, he answers, “As long as she let’s me.”

My parents look at him a bit longer and once they have their fill of whatever they are looking for, their eyes focus on me. I can see their shoulders relax and their body language opens up immediately. My mother smiles at me, giddy and holds up the picture, “I’m gonna be a grandma!”

That night, I walk to the Iwaizumi’s. Kiyoomi offered to go with me, but we both knew it would be in poor taste so he decided he’ll wait outside of the house, looking at the street to keep an eye on me… and my parents accompany him there as well. I can feel their eyes on my way there and by the time I reach the front door, they look small but ever present.

I have to knock a couple of times before his mother answers the door and from the shocked look on her face, I know I’m the last person she was expecting. I had grown up on this block, in this house and mine my whole life - even when Iwaizumi was in California, I would visit them every weekend and make sure they were alright. They had always received me with open arms and it brought me so much joy to know that we could have such a relationship, never having to doubt or feel uncomfortable.

But now it is, both of us have been standing at the entrance of the house, just looking at each other and the air is… chilly. Her expression gives nothing away, when it always held a smile to me. She would offer me to come in and have something to eat, but now she’s looking at me as if I had done something wrong. I didn’t like how this was going.

I still try though. “Hello Mrs. Iwaizumi,” I bow and give her a smile, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, hello YN.”

I can feel my heart pounding against my chest, “How have you been?”

She stays silent and looks at me from the tip of my head to the floor I am standing on, “Is there something you need, YN?”

Well, huh. I dropped my smile, confused by her reaction to me… I know I divorced Iwaizumi but she’s acting as if I ruined his life…

“Ah! Well, okay. I uh- I came to see if you knew about Hajime? I’ve been trying to contact him but he won’t answer.”

“Is it about the sale of the house? Are you not satisfied with how much you received?” Her voice is haughty, and I wonder if that is the reason for her behavior.

“No? I’m okay with that, I would have been fine with nothing as well… I need to speak to him about something… private.” I wasn’t about to say, ‘You’re son and I had sex the night before I asked for a divorce, and the result of that came in the shape of a baby.’

“I’m sorry, YN. I am not comfortable with you speaking to him again.”

… Maybe I should have.

I laugh a bit strained, and tilt my head confused, “I- I know the divorce has been hard on everyone, but its really urgent and important-”

“Look, YN,” she steps outside of her house and meets my eyes head on, filled with fire, “Iwaizumi has told us what happened, everything and while we do know that he is at fault there is a small part of me that blames you. It is… wrong to blame you for it but you should have seen him, YN. He looked devastated and lost, he looked like he had just lost his entire life and I” she looks at me teary, “I can’t let him be like that again, YN.

She sighs, absentmindedly shaking her hand, “He left for California to get away from it all and he won’t be coming back anytime soon. I’m sorry if it's private and important, but I don’t think it can’t wait until he comes back. Until he has healed from this.”

I try again, “But-”

“No, YN.” She steps inside of her house, without looking back at me, “Let him be.”

She doesn’t see that when she closes the door, she also closes off the part she had in my heart.

When I walk back home, no one asks me how it went, they don't need to when the first thing I do is curl up in-between Kiyoomi and my mom, crying about a loss that wasn't mine.

rubatosis | \ ru-bê-to-sis \ | (n.): the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat. I am here, I am here, I am here.

a/n! this chapter... is much longer than usual. i think its around 6K? but there is a lot of elements happening now and I didn't want it to be split up.

now that this chapter is finished, i can go and read fics that i've been sitting on from last week :) ♥

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

petrichor ‹ masterlist › rubatosis

𝐍𝐞𝐟𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬

I have never considered myself a good man.

There was once a time that I was a good boy, but never a good man. The divorce papers that have been signed and processed are evidence of it, a failed marriage and a lost friendship for my mistakes, my errors.

There have been moments I’ve wanted to reach out to her, to call her, my finger hovering over her contact in my phone.

My little mochi.

But I never do it, I know better than that, I can’t let myself be selfish, not after everything I did to her and everything that will come from it. I go and visit my hometown once I have the weekend off only to find my parents getting ready to go to YN’s family reunion. My heart beats faster at the thought of seeing YN again but I know in my mind that she won’t be there. It takes my parents asking why I didn’t bring YN with me to realize that I haven’t told anyone about the divorce, about what happened and I’m filled with dread at the realization that I have to tell them.

I have to tell my parents the scum of a son that they have.

I’m not sure what possessed me to actually go to the reunion with my parents, all I can think about is YN telling her parents, the same ones that had always welcomed me with open arms since we were children. Her parents that I had long ago seen as my own, had been my parents in-laws for almost a year and now I am their enemy.

I can’t help the bitter chuckle that comes out of my mouth, I’m my own enemy as well.

I feel my father’s hand on top of my shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze and I turn to face them, I want to beg them to go back home and let me face this alone, let me take this burden on my own but the look they give me as I open my mouth shuts it just as quick. They’ll never leave me, even if I beg.

It's the same look YN gave me when she left, that it didn’t matter how much I begged for her to stay, she never would.

With that in mind, I walk up to her parents filled with determination. Her aunt, Jae’s mother, calls out and asks where YN is, but I don’t answer.

As soon as I’m in front of her parents and their guarded faces, I do the only thing I can.

I kneel and rest my head on the grass, a few inches away from their feet and suddenly it's all quiet, still as if time had stopped moving. I wish it had, months ago, maybe then I wouldn’t have fucked up as much as I did.

“There is nothing in this world that could ever amount to a payment for your forgiveness, and I will not ask for one because I do not deserve it. I truly don’t. You gave me your treasure, the light of your life and I”, my hands clenching my thighs at the sudden rush of emotions that threaten to swallow me whole, “I humiliated her, disgraced her, dishonored her in every way shape and form. There is nothing in this world that I could possibly do to win her heart back, no amount of love and care could ever fix our ruptured relationship and I have never been so ashamed, so disgusted with myself for it.”

I can feel the tears in my eyes as I sit back on my feet, still kneeling in front of them and their emotionless faces. I deserve this and worse, much much worse.

“I should have told you the truth, told all of you the truth and found a solution, found another answer than just ignoring everything and marrying YN. I should have been honest with her and instead I broke a vow during the wedding ceremony. But most importantly I should have never thought that any woman would be better than YN.”

I heard a collective gasp around me, the scornful looks of others but I would not turn around to see, I needed her parents to see that I truly and absolutely am miserable after everything. They needed to see the honesty that came in too late to fix her broken heart.

“I never should have slept with Jae.”

The silence was deafening and some of the eyes I felt on me were not there anymore, I didn’t need to look to figure out where they had gone.

“The hell are you doing!?” She hissed at, I suppose, me.

“I was dating Jae even before marrying YN. We had been together during our teen years and when I moved to California, we broke things off. When I came back I tried to repair my old relationship with Jae but it was proven that it wouldn’t happen and instead I married YN. I brought YN into a situation that she didn’t deserve, I dragged her into my affairs without concern and I-” I feel like I’m choking, my chest heavy and the tears I was trying so hard to contain make their way down my cheeks.

“She loved me so much, she was willing to do so much for me and I took all of it for granted. I was so blinded by my past, that I never stopped for a second to look at her. I never stopped to see the love and care in her eyes, one that she’s had for me for so many years.”

YN’s mother had started crying now and her father’s face was full of remorse. They couldn’t keep their emotions locked up and I was grateful for that, to finally see just how much damage I had actually done with all my secrets.

“I never deserved YN’s love, and I should have never taken it.”

I finally looked back at Jae, a murderous look on her face. Her mother and father angrily whispered at her as she pushed them away. Everyone was looking at her, so many emotions on so many faces.

She backed up from the circle that had formed when I kneeled, “You believe this asshole? Why would I ever do something like that to her? She’s my cousin!”

I knew she wouldn’t be expecting this, I knew she didn’t know about the divorce or just how fractured YN and I came to be after the face off months ago. But the anger I felt that day? The way she spoke to YN and about YN? I will never forgive or forget it, if she was so fixated on hurting her then the least I could do is give it back.

We’re not married anymore, nor are we friends, but I will always have your back YN. Just like you’ve had mine.

I stand facing her, “You sure about that?”

“Yes.” Jae tries to keep a straight face, but it's all cracked and open, she only needs a little push before it all comes falling down.

“Alright then.” I pulled out my phone and put on the video that she sent to YN on that last night. Throwing it on the table in the center, letting everyone see and hear her words and my grunts, as well as our bodies, are very visible and condemning. I saw the entire family realize what had happened and how honest I was.

I saw how for the first time ever, instead of YN, it was Jae being outcaste.

I turn to look at my parents and they seem proud, for what I’m not sure, but at least I did something right. I didn’t leave the fault of our separation on YN's shoulders.

I feel a light tap on my shoulder and see that her parents had come towards me, her father handing me my phone back.

“We are not the ones that you should be begging for forgiveness, Iwaizumi.” Her father says with solemn eyes, always seeming much wiser than what it should be for his age.

“For what its worth, kid, you did good on getting that shit off of my baby.”

I nod, “I should be going.”

I turn and along with my parents, we make our way to the exit only for Jae to intercept my way, her face right up in mine. “I can’t believe you’d put it on me. You’re the one that cheated!”

I feel anger bubble inside of my chest, I never expected her to take her share of the blame, but this? Is she trying to play off what she did? Fuck no. This wasn’t going to fly by, not anymore.

“You,” I point at her chest, snarling, “are even worse than me. You want to know why? You’re her family and she loved you long before she even met me. You decided that since she’s prettier than you, smarter than you and overall a much better person than you, that you would ruin her life; I hope you get what you deserve, you ice cold bitch.”

I walk past her, shoving my shoulder against hers and continue my way. I hear her protest, I hear her family shouting, yelling, demanding answers and I smile at it.

If I’m going down, you’re going down with me.

I have never considered myself a good man.

Not when I was younger, not when I was in high school, not even after graduating University did I consider myself a good man.

But you, oh you YN, you made me wish I was. You still make me wish I was a good man. A man worthy of your love, your care, your appreciation, I wish I had just tried.

My cell phone vibrates in my pants leg, but I don't go to answer it, just like I have done for the past 50 unanswered calls. I know it's from Oikawa or Mattsun or Makki, I know it's because they are worried, but I can't seem to care at the moment as I watch her, as I watch you walking through campus to head home. To your own home, with Kageyama and it makes me so anxious to think that you might turn around and see me here, watching you pathetically without having done anything to help you.

I get up from where I am sitting and follow you at a safe distance, blending myself in between sleep deprived students that don't seem to realize that I'm not a student, and I am grateful for it.

There are so many things I want to say to you YN, but I can't do it without being selfish because at the end of it all, I just want you to come back. I want you to say that you miss me and that you will stay with me forever, like you promised as kids, like you promised in our wedding vows and that is exactly why I can't reach out to you, my lovely YN.

Because I never considered myself a good man, but now? I see myself as the worst man to walk on earth and deep down, I'm actually kind of happy that you left me. That you sent those divorce papers and managed to tell me face to face what you wanted. The little YN that used to hide behind my back is now a beautiful, strong woman and I can see it from the way you are walking with your head held high and back straight, the confidence you never had has finally come out.

As you smile from something one of your accompanying classmates says, I think her name is Liz, I can't help but mirror it. You've always had such a beautiful smile, I should have treasured all the ones you gave me.

I see her nudge your ribcage and give you a conspiring look before walking away, only for a young man to take place on your other side.

I can see the way you blush at him approaching you, I can see the way your body accommodates to his proximity comfortably and it's enough for me to know that his company, his closeness is reciprocated and it takes a moment for me to recognize him.

I've seen his name and face since high school, an absolute monster on and off the court and outside of it, his names on so many roosters on so many teams recruitment lists and even rumors about him joining the Olympic team.

A monster ace and natural talent for so many years. There he is, standing in front of you relaxed even though you are surrounded by people and his germaphobia must be on the roof.

I see you smile and nod, for a moment I wonder what it could be about and it brings pain that I had not felt in a while, the prospect of you dating someone hurts like hell. But you seem happy, so incredibly happy, that it makes the hard decision I'm about to take a thousand times easier. I continue to walk and pass by your side unrecognized. I catch glimpses of words between the both of you but I pay no mind to it, there's only so much pain I can take in one day.

It makes the decision he’s been sitting on for a while much easier.

You won't miss me, but I sure as fuck will miss you, mochi.

"Iwaizumi?"

He finally calls her a day or two later, and he wonders for a second if its a mistake to have done so. It had been a long time since he last heard her voice, sweet and lovely, strong and willed. When he was younger, he and his friends had thought that her voice would be one that angels have, but he now knows how utterly wrong they were.

It was the sound of a goddess and he was a devout follower, ready on his knees for your orders.

The apology you deserve as on the tip of his tongue, ready to pour out instead of what he had initially called for.

"Iwaizumi? Are you there?" He didn't realize that he had spaced out longer than acceptable, he hears a deep voice on your side asking if everything is alright, one he knows that it isn't Kageyama's, "I don't know, he's not answering."

The flare of jealousy that rises in his chest makes him feel disgusted. He has no right to feel this way about you and your relationship with the other man, if there even is one. But green has always been his favorite color, and the apology dies immediately.

"I didn't know you were busy."

His voice is cold and cut clean, the soft hum of confirmation is an indicator that he was being unnecessarily mean, but the memory of you and him was bothering him more than it previously had, probably because its 9 pm and you're out with him.

"Yeah, but it's fine, I'm just doing homework with my project partner."

"Isn't the library closed?"

"Yes, it is."

They're either at Kageyama's or his and it makes him see red for a second before he takes hold of it and swallows it all down. He needs to get himself in check, she does not owe him anything and can do what she wants.

I owe her my life, though.

"Is there a reason you called me Iwaizumi? I'm sorry to cut you short, but I really need to finish this, we've been on it for hours and its still not done." He hears a deep sigh on the other line, and its a tired one.

Just think that they are tired of working and not of you interrupting something. You know her, she wouldn't do that kind of stuff with anyone.

"Yeah, I'm starving... oh! Check to see if Onigiri Miya is open - I can ask Tobio to pick it up for us."

It doesn't make him feel better.

"I'm selling the house, I wanted to know if you want anything from inside of if its alright to sell it with the furniture?"

He hears silence on the other line before, "I don't have anything left there to take."

My heart, you left my heart there months ago and have yet to come back for it. I don't want it nor do I need it without you. He wants to say, instead he mutters, "Sounds good, you'll get half of the money and I'll have the other half. There's already a buyer but I had to ask about the furniture first since he wants it. His fiancé loved the décor."

He's not sure why he mentioned about the buyers relationship status, but whatever it was he didn't receive it.

"That's good, I worked hard to make it look nice, at least it wasn't in vain."

Her words are a direct punch in his gut, one he won't even block or deflect. He deserves that and more.

"I heard what you did on the weekend... Are you're parents okay?"

The concern in her voice is enough to bring tears into his eyes, why do you have to be so nice?

"They're fine, I made sure the blame was placed to the right people. You don't have to worry about any of it."

"You didn't have to do that... but I appreciate it."

His heart skips a beat and he's about to say something he shouldn't when he's interrupted. He hears the deep voice on her line and he can't catch what he says, "Oh, but I love Onigiri Miya tuna one. What else do they have?"

His mind starts to imagine a million things that rip his heart apart and before he knows it, he's saying goodbye without waiting for a reply. He shuts his phone off and is met with the darkness of the room, only the moon illuminating the crevices of it.

He had once watched the light of the moon curl and lay on her naked skin, smooth against his calloused hands trailing all of it as he would pull her closer to his body until she fit right against him. She always fit perfectly in his arms.

She'll probably fit better in his now.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

He feels relieved by the decisions he's been making though, little by little he's getting rid of everything that reminds him of YN. The last being the most life changing of all.

It isn't until hours later that he realizes he didn't even say why he was selling the house nor gave her a head up.

He didn't say what he actually wanted to say because he was jealous.

Will I get another chance to call her or see her?

He doesn't think about an answer, his heart wouldn't be able to take the answer right now.

There’s an old memory that plagues Iwaizumi’s mind from time to time, one that he used to be so fond of, now curses his very existence. It was from when you both were toddlers, when you would come over and have a sleepover in his backyard.

It was a beautiful night, full of stars and wishes. It must have been in November since it was chilly but not enough to make you want to go inside, just sitting out in the grass with one of his hoodies that was always too big on you.

It wouldn’t be years until he meets Jae for the first time, when the rabbit hole starts and he falls into it, no; these were easier days where only you and him existed.

He missed those days terribly.

He recalls your soft voice, singing an old lullaby that your mother would chant at home when your mind was plagued by nightmares. He never knew what they were about, all he knew was that the way you cried yourself awake and shaking made him hate them, hate whoever gave them to you.

He would always sing along with you once it was coming to the end, loving the sweet smile you gave him, giggling at his antics and leaning on his side, waiting for the arm that always came around to hug you, to pull you closer, way back then.

He’s not sure why this memory pops up every single time he travels, but he isn’t complaining, not really. It puts his mind at ease, especially after taking the job offer so fast. He didn’t even think it through and went along with the process even before he went to spy on you at Uni, before putting the house up for sale.

He never got to apologize to you and all because he didn’t know how to face you. He couldn’t really do it and if the time ever came, he hoped you would listen to him, if not he would be okay with it by then, he hopes.

His phone vibrates and he’s aware that someone is calling him, but by the time he pulls out his phone the call has been interrupted, the screen going black. He tries to turn it on again with no such luck.

He doesn’t worry though, he can always get a new one once he’s landed in California.

nefarious | \nəˈferēəs\ | (adj.): evil or immoral, (typically of an action or activity) wicked or criminal.

a/n! oh my oh my, what is happening? I'M BACK ON TRACK WITH MY POSTING LOVES! ps - i think i'm going to start posting much longer chapters to encapsulate what is happening to everyone :)

ps. i love reading your comments and tags - its very much appreciated, and i might not answer them or be late to answer, its just that i'm overwhelmed to see you all like it♥ thank you! i will see you soon for the next chp!~

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy​​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

remorse is memory awake ‹ masterlist › desiderium

𝐃𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭

"What does love mean to me?" He repeated the words his lover asked. Confusion evident in his voice and face. His brow deepened and lips pursed, thoughtful as if it had never occurred to him that he would ask this question.

Meanwhile his lover, stood in front of him. The determination evident in his eyes as he watched his expression. While he is resigned at the thought that the man does not know the meaning of love, he is hopeful that maybe, there is a part of him that can understand it globally, generally. He keeps his gaze steady, his hands slightly trembling in anticipation of his lovers answer.

"Love," he gestures at the air, "Love to me is-"

/deletes last sentence/

"Love is-"

/deletes again/

I groan in frustration once again, as I look and the script for the nth time, not being able to pass this particular scene. My mind utter chaos at what had happened yesterday and the memories of the weeks before that.

I'm not sure what love is.

Authors note: Please continue the line, Min. Sorry for giving you all of the romance lines, having more problems with the romantic stuff than I thought.

It was midday when I went back into the room to check up on Iwaizumi. He had gotten in late from the away game and after the breakdown, he surely was exhausted, but he never stayed in this late.

He was in deep sleep, clutching my pillow against his body. His face relaxed and tranquil, something I had seen only a few times since we were children and yet it was always wonderful, it was so rare to catch him without any armor on.

Any other day I would have joined him, taken the place where my pillow was settled and felt his muscles grip me tightly against him, the sound of his heartbeat willing me to sleep and forget of my troubles and writers block. But today isn't like any other day and feeling him around me, his smell, his soul, just makes my chest ache.

Before I head out, I leave a note beside his head so he doesn't worry. It's the least I can do.

Hajime, I need time. YN

The walk doesn't do anything to clear my mind.

I've always known that Hajime had never seen me as anything other than his best friend, anything other than family but, after these few weeks there had been a fleeting moment where I could have sworn he was seeing me differently.

But after seeing the video sent last night...

Talking to Hajime was something I couldn't avoid, I needed to talk and resolve matter with him, given the fact that we live together and are married. But I needed to talk to Jae as well.

She had been my closest cousin, my sister in every way. She knew all my secrets and would stay up until late listening to me talk about my crush. She was the first person to know about my feelings towards Iwaizumi and promised to never speak a word.

'If you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?'

The anxiety I had swallowed the day before came crashing to me like a ice cold wave, I had to sit down for a moment feeling my legs and hands shaking uncontrollably. How did it get to this? Why did it get this bad?

I pulled out my phone and called the only person who never judged me, who kept our friendship a secret and I knew could be trusted.

"YN?"

"Hi," it came out broken, barely a sound at all, "Hey, um... are you busy?" I tried hard to make myself sound louder, to make sure they can hear me.

"Not really... are you okay?"

"I- , I- um, I'm at the park where we used to hang out. I- I-" I'm not okay. I want to say it but the words couldn't come out, the memories of my family and classmates ringing in my ears after so many years.

So needy.

So clingy.

So unlovable.

My chest constricted and in the back of my mind I could recall this happening yesterday. My ears pounded at the sound of my heartbeat, aching and destroying the sounds around me. Disorientating me completely from reality and I wished, I wished it would all stop and end. I held my head between my hands and tried very hard to breathe.

Is this what it feels like to drown? How horrible.

Air didn't seem to pass to my lungs, and the tears, the sobs raked out of my body. Why, why, why...

I felt a hand rubbing my back all of a sudden, the sound of their voice muffled for a bit until I could focus.

"YN, please breathe, I don't know what's wrong but I'm here. Come one, breathe," Called out from the other side of the line.

I breathed.

And breathed.

And breathed.

The darkness, the wrapped colors of the world began to take their original form. My body ached, my head ached, everything hurt and yet I felt completely numb, like as if I had done extraneous exercise and was cooling down.

"You okay now?"

I realized I had dropped my phone during the whole ordeal, and the voice was not coming from it, but beside me. I turned to meet his eyes, the same ones that consoled me all those years ago in middle school after being pushed around from the 'popular' kids, the ones that cried after a hard practice. The ones that belonged to my most trusted and yet secret companion.

I reached out and pulled him close to me, hiding my head underneath his head, on his chest and hugged him tightly. I cried uncontrollably onto his sweater without a care, feeling everything wash away along with my tears. It took them a moment to reciprocate my hug, awkward as always but caring in his own way. They patted my back and whispered words of condolence. "Please talk to me YN, you look like shit."

I giggled at their words, as blunt as always but the happiness lasted for only a second. The incidents that had transpired these past month making me sympathize with Atlas, the weight of the world on my shoulders is a terrible thing. I looked up at him, at his concerned eyes.

"Why does this hurt so much?"

It took a while to get my shit 'together' enough for him to haul my ass to his place. Entering his apartment was so familiarly unfamiliar, the walls held little to nothing, he had a couch and a tv and that's it. It was 95% bare, which was barely surprising since it was his style.

"Why did you bring me here?"

He gave me a look of disdain, "You wanted me to leave you out on the street in plain panic attack?"

"No, I mean, I thought you would be practicing or something, you're usually busy."

He hummed as he walked out of the kitchen holding two mugs, "I was but I finished early and you always make a fuss when I 'overwork' myself. As if I were that stupid." He passed me one of the mugs, chamomile tea with honey. I smiled at the thought of him remembering my favorite type of drink when stressed.

He watched me take a sip with his big blueberry eyes, always filled with curiosity and honesty. Whoever said that Kageyama Tobio was emotionless, didn't really know him. He's been through a lot, so he's not good with emotions, but its there and he tries much more than others I know.

"So," he seems hesitant but determined to say whatever is on his mind, he looks at me straight in the eye, "You're having martial problems? Regrets?"

I stay silent, not knowing what to say, so he diverts into another thing to get me talking.

"I'm sorry I didn't go to your wedding. I did want to but-"

"You played that day right? Against those lemurs," you smile "it was an amazing back set that made Wakatoshi break the wall, I thought he was going to break someone's arm!"

He looked at me, bewildered, "You watched it?" He blushed, "Weren't you enjoying your wedding night?"

I shrug, "Not really, and even if I was, I wouldn't have missed it, Tobio."

"Well, still I am sorry. Would've liked to see you all dressed up in white." He chuckles, "Even though I would've fought with Oikawa all night long.

"But YN, didn't you say that you loved Iwaizumi? Why aren't you... happy?"

I can feel the tears return, the pathetic feeling in my soul coming back to life that I was pushing back as to not trouble him, until I felt his warm hand holding mine. "YN, let it go."

The small voice comes back, asking me the same thing, "If you can't trust your family, then who can you trust?"

Tobio, I think as I clutch the front of his shirt, his warm palm rubbing my back, soothing away all the pain, I can always trust Tobio. I'm so stupid to not have come to him before.

Sharing the bed with Kageyama was a strange experience.

We had only had a few sleepovers when we were younger from him staying until late getting tutored, when Iwaizumi had found his 'boyfriends' and left me a bit to the side, it must have also been around the time he began to date Jae.

Our friendship had been strange, we met when he was in the volleyball club and Iwaizumi had mentioned him being a prodigy. I had tried to speak to him, unsuccessfully until the day Oikawa almost attacked him. He had left the gym in a hurry, not even noticing me until we smacked down on the ground.

He seemed so afraid and my chest hurt a bit, he was trying his best and everyone was pushing him to much. I helped him up and took him to the nurses office to check for anything. After that, whenever Iwaizumi wasn't around me, I found myself in Kageyama's company. He was strange and blunt, but I liked it. I preferred that than the usually fake smiles all of the other girls gave me just to catch the older boys attention.

He was always a volleyball fanatic, and me being friends with one made it easy to get along. When his grandfather passed away, Kags fell hard and pushed so many people away, when I found out he was going to Karasuno, I was afraid of what could happen since his personality tends to get in the way but when I saw him win the interhigh with that little tangerine, my worries vanished, especially when I got a text from him simply saying, "Wanna catch up?"

I never told Iwaizumi about it, about Kageyama and I because it was... complicated. Because Oikawa doesn't like him and Iwaizumi tends to take it personally even if he tries to be the bigger man. So Kageyama and I keep it a secret, one of many between us.

I sent a text to Iwaizumi once Kageyama agreed to let me stay over, letting him know that I was at a friends house and would be staying there at night. I ignored the way my heart clenched at his 'Stay safe, mochi, i miss you♥'; I wanted to believe his words badly, but I couldn't forgive and forget, not right now, not when its so fresh.

He held my hand as we laid face to face on the bed, I could see one of his blue eyes looking at me thoughtfully through the moonlight of the curtain less windows (this boy is a mess).

"Spit it out already, Tobio."

"You should go with Connie."

"Connie?" The name ringed a bell but I couldn't put a face to it, "Who's Connie?"

"She's one of Iwaizumi's friends from middle school, big round glasses, short hair."

"Oh my God, Mattsun's forever crush Connie?" He had a crush on her since middle school, always fawning over how beautiful she was and how lovely her eyes are. As they grew up, he just kept on falling harder for her but he never confessed or mentioned it. Even now, he still looks at her with so much longing that it makes me wonder if that's how I used to look when I was with Iwaizumi.

Sad and in love.

"That's the one, she's also my therapist."

I gasped, gripping his hand tightly, "You go to therapy?"

He shook our hands to loosen my grip and intertwined our fingers, laughing softly, "Yeah I do, have been for the past three years but I just switched to Connie. She's nicer than the other ones that I had and she actually doesn't know me other than being on the Adlers."

He pushed by hair out of my face, "I think you should go to therapy, YN. I think you haven't been in a good place for a while now and I'm worried, because I don't know since when."

He kissed my forehead after a few minutes of silence, his recommendation shocking me, "Just think about it okay? It's not good to drown because of someone else and I don't think I could take Iwaizumi in a fair fight yet, I need to buff up a bit more."

I burst out laughing loudly and unreserved for the first time in months. He joined me chuckling, his eyes scrunched up like it always does when he's happy.

Since when was Kageyama Tobio so cool?

de·noue·ment / dā-ˌnü-ˈmä (n.): the outcome of a complex sequence of events.

Example: In a sad denouement to a perfect love story, the groom left the bride at the altar.

a/n! just as I promised, two weeks later and we are back, baby! i think i never mentioned it, but iwaizumi and yn live in tokyo. also, new format, hi~

hope you enjoy this new chapter :)

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

denouement ‹ masterlist › filipendulous

𝐃𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐮𝐦

I woke up to an empty bed and the smell of ham that morning. I knew this wasn't my bed, nor my curtain less window or my place, but for a second I let my mind wander, refusing to come in terms with my reality.

Finding Kageyama not only making an omelet but actually succeeding was a highlight I would treasure forever, especially with his little smile of success. We sat down on the counter and chatted aimlessly for a bit.

I was washing the dishes when the air turned serious, I could feel Kageyama's eyes on the back of my head, piercing and the anxiety I had trapped yesterday was threatening to bubble over, to spill on the floor once again.

"I know you don't want to talk about it, but... are you going back to Iwaizumi's?"

I turn to look at him and see nothing but concern in his eyes. Its been a hectic two days and I'm sure I look and sound like a disaster. But as much as thinking about Iwaizumi hurts, it also hurts not being able to clear this situation and listen to what he has to say. I need closure on this and I'll get it, regardless of what happens next.

"I am, I need to talk to him and get some answers. Might not be a great option but its the one I am taking before I can make a decision on what to do next."

He gives me a small smile and something like pride shines on his face, "If you need anything, I'm a call away. I could always clear up the other room for you to stay."

"... You have another room?!"

Kageyama dropped me off at the house an hour later, my hand has been hovering over the doorknob for the past 15 minutes and I haven't been able to lower it.

I feel anxious, nervous, the fear clawing in my chest and I know its a matter of time before my hands start to shake. Never had I thought I would feel this way when it came to Iwaizumi.

But I also never thought he would have sex with Jae, and here I am.

I open the door and find him sitting there, the fear and anxiety I was feeling marred on his face. For some reason, it made all of my feelings wash away and was left with a chilling relief. I closed the door and walked passed him, "We need to talk, Iwaizumi."

I heard him wince, as if I had just shot him when I addressed him. I didn't wait for him to follow me nor did I turn back, I could hear his footsteps behind me, dragging against the wooden floor of the hallway.

I turned into the living room and sat down on one of the side chairs and left the couch open for him to sit. His eyes never left me during the whole ordeal and we sat in silence for a few minutes. Me watching the birds flying outside the window and him watching me. There used to be a time where I had wished his gaze was on me, never in these circumstances though.

"What happened, Iwaizumi?"

He was silent for a while longer, looking at his hands folded on his lap, so tightly his knuckles were turning white. "I don't know were to start, mochi."

"How about from the beginning. I think after all this shit show, I should know, right?"

He nodded, his eyebrows pinching and I started to reach out to rub his wrinkles.

'You're too young to get wrinkles, Hajime! No one wants a wrinkly old young man!' I exclaimed once at age 10 in front of his friends. He blushed in embarrassment at being doted and pushed my hand away. As time passed by and I continued to do it, he's stopping decreased until I could do it freely. When I noticed it I asked and with a smile he would say 'No one wants a wrinkly old young man, right?'

The memory brings another ache, and I pull back my hand before he notices.

"I didn't know I liked her until I was 15," during that time I had also realized I felt more than friendship for him, "We had sex for the first time that same day, you know? She kissed me and I liked it, so we uh-"

He continued to talk but I couldn't hear a thing after that. He's loved her since he was 15, he kissed, he had sex with her... they had a relationship. I felt so stupid, so hurt, used and furious; I thought he had been pinning on her, an unrequired love that suddenly transformed into something else due to regret but it had never been like that.

"We broke it off that night you went to help me pack. We uh- had sex and then had an argument."

He went to my house that night, I knew something was off about him and I thought he was anxious about moving away. I was very wrong.

"When I came back and my parents decided about the arranged marriage, I asked Jae to take it because I wanted to marry her, but she didn't want it, and then I found out about you signing up. I didn't think twice about it. I thought Jae was going to be angry, instead she was elated."

He used me to hide his pain, to keep seeing her, to keep her close.

"Mochi, please say something."

"When did it happen, the sex?"

He finally looks up to me, his sweet eyes filled with regret and voice heavy with remorse, "On your birthday, inside your room when I went to get your polaroid camera."

They did it in my house. In my room. While I was waiting for them and took a picture with me when they came down.

"Take me to her."

"What?"

I stand up and walk into my room, Iwaizumi right behind me. I pull out fresh clothes and walk into the bathroom for a shower, "We are going to Jae's. Get ready."

I had always loved Jae.

She had been the sister I had wished my parents had and the best friend I could always count on since childhood. We had done everything together; from vaccines to waxing.

She was the first person I ever told about my feelings for Iwaizumi, the second person was Tobio and the third person... was Iwaizumi.

We pulled up to a foreign apartment complex, it was extremely tall and luxurious, which befitted Jae's personality but not her salary. "She lives here?"

"Yes, she has for a while."

"Its really close to the house."

"Yeah."

"Was it on purpose?"

"... Yes."

I almost regretted asking him, if I am to be honest. I let him lead me to the elevator and saw him press the floor button. I wondered how many times he had come to her place when he came back and then dismissed it because in all honesty, I don't want to know.

The ride up was silent and I took that moment to look at myself in the elevator mirror. I was wearing a tight fitted, short, noddle strapped dress with a black shirt underneath and open black block heels to match. I decided for simple makeup with a marron lip and my hair pinned up. The dress accentuated my curves and the necklace my dad gave me on my fifteenth birthday shined on my neck.

Butterfly.

"You look beautiful, mochi."

"Thanks, I did it for me. Because I feel like crap."

He lead me to her apartment once we got to the floor and she opened the door a few seconds later.

"I knew you she would never take you back, Haji." She grinned maliciously at him, her eyes raking his body from head to toe. "Did she kick you out after you confessed?"

"If I had, he would have appeared here since that night, so no."

I watch her face freeze but her smile never left her face, her widened eyes never leaving Iwaizumi's even though he hasn't said a word. The only indication of her still being alive was her chest moving and her muscles tensing every few seconds. I placed my hand on her shoulder, pushing Iwaizumi out of the way to make her face me.

"Let's talk, cousin."

I never thought a day would come when I had to glare and be cold to both Iwaizumi and Jae. But here I am, almost two decades later doing exactly that. Iwaizumi is sitting on one of the couches end, avoiding her and vice versa, while I sit in front of them in a chair I pulled out from the dinner table.

"I already heard Iwaizumi's" they both flinch, "part. So now its your turn."

They both look at me shocked, "You... want me to talk about it? Why? Aren't you mad?"

I scoff and smile at her humorless, "I have half a mind of punching you both and just, fuck it all up to be honest. You don't know how much I wanted to call auntie when you sent me that video and ask her why you did it."

"But you didn't."

"No, I didn't, because, you see Jae, I'm not like you. I don't make other people suffer for my own mistaken actions. I'm pretty straight forward and take it as is. Which is why I am here," I point at myself, "to take it as is."

She looks at me thoughtfully and I can practically see her mask washing away, replaced by an easy smile and it unsettled me a lot, "It wasn't supposed to be serious, if I am being honest, which I am. I mean, you are here now so what's the point on hiding it right?" She laughed, "I guess he told you we got together after we fucked in your bed on your birthday. It wasn't the best but it was fun, and it helped that he's always been handsome.

"But you already now that, since two weeks before your birthday you confessed that you loved him and wanted to date him. For all its worth, I don't love him, YN"

I felt my heart crack at Jae's cold words. Hajime didn't move, stiff as a board and refused to look up, but it was alright because Jae was looking at me, really looking at me and it was terrifying, soul piercing.

"I'm not gonna lie to you anymore, there's no point in it and my fun is pretty much done now that you know. I did fuck him because I wanted to hurt you. You've always been pretty, precious and perfect YN, always beautiful and majestic," she leaned forward and flicked my necklace, "like a precious butterfly. While I'm the fucking snake of the family."

"But you know, YN, butterflies aren't so great. They have fragile wings, so after a soft touch or graze, they can't fly anymore. They can't hunt or steal, they feed off of flowers but unlike bees, they can't sting or hurt. They are so vulnerable and weak, just like you. So, when you came up to me and confessed, I didn't think twice about taking him away from you. I knew he would date you in a blink of an eye, so I stepped in to make that never happen."

There was no remorse in her eyes, no guilt or anger or anything I had expected from someone who dated him for so long, being with him for so long. Her eyes were empty, devoid of all emotion as she spoke to me, her tone was nonchalant and every word uttered was a new stab on the chest.

She looked at Iwaizumi and scoffed again, turning her gaze back to me, "He made it so easy, YN. Always in Oikawa's shadow, always someone's shadow so once he got a little bit of spotlight, he basked in it and never let go."

"I didn't know you guys were together though," I was surprised at how strong my voice sounded, when deep inside I felt so very small, "I just found out, so why go through with it for so long?"

"Oh don't get me wrong, cousin. I wanted to tell you immediately, give you the scoop and watch you wither away, but here's the thing. You would have moved on from Haji, found someone else and be loved by them as you 'deserve' because that's what happens with delicate butterflies, they get the best in their short life."

"But why wait? I don't- I-"

"I knew his parents would want him to marry once he got back from Cali, I knew he would ask me and if I rejected him he would go to you."

Iwaizumi finally looks up, only to give Jae a heated glare, "What the fuck does that mean, you did a long game? For what?"

"Easy, baby. I stopped you from ever loving YN and I stopped YN from having her happily ever after."

I was hyperaware of the situation now, and I felt very out of myself. I could see Iwaizumi's look of surprise, and Jae's smug smile plastered on her face. I could hear a discussion in the background and from the way their mouths were moving, and Iwaizumi's body was starting to tense up, it was heated. But I could listen to it, it was muddled and garbled and I couldn't understand a word they said.

"Why do you hate me?"

They stopped arguing to look at me, both surprised that I said something so clearly, even though I felt ripped to shreds and floating in despair.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I've loved you all my life, Jae. I trusted you, we grew up together and shared everything. I helped you with everything, so why ... why me? What did I ever do to you?"

"You existed. I was supposed to be the princess and have the attention and then you came in with your pretty hair and eyes and just everything and took it away. Grandpa has you on his will, you know? But the rest of us? No one is on it."

"I didn't know."

"That's why I hate you. You get everything and aren't even aware of it, so why should I feel bad?"

"I didn't get everything, the one thing I wanted the most, Iwaizumi's love, isn't mine."

He looks at me and gently touches the back of my hand, "I do love you, mochi."

I smile at him filled with so much sadness, "It's not the same, not like I do."

"Oh wow, cry me a fucking river."

Iwaizumi turns to glare at her sharply, "Shut up, just shut up. I can't believe you did this because of jealousy, of pettiness."

They started arguing again, but I didn't want to listen anymore. I took out my cellphone and texted the only person I could actually count on and it made my chest tight at the thought of him rejecting me.

butterfly yn: hey, tobio, can i stay at your place for a while?

kagstobs: sure, we can clear out the spare room together kagstobs: do you want me to pick you up?

butterfly yn: yeah, i need you to take me back to the house and get my stuff butterfly yn: also, i need some moral support for the call i have to make

kagstobs: ???

butterfly yn: i need to tell my parents that i'm going with connie

kagstobs: i got you, send me the address

des·​i·​de·​ri·​um | \ ˌdesəˈdirēəm, -ezə- \ (n.): an ardent desire or longing; used especially for a feeling of loss or grief for something lost

a/n! i felt everything that yn was feeling through this chapter. which I would take that I did a pretty good job. so here's some light on her relationships and, I am sorry, YN. your people suck. also... how are we feeling about this chapter!? let me know , i love reading your comments :D

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

he and i ‹ masterlist › remorse is memory awake

𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫

"Hajime, I want you to take my virginity."

The moment he hears you utter those words, he feels his surroundings going in circles. You were right, it wasn't an easy thing to say nor to process and he's not even sure he's doing either right now.

He turns to look at his watch. 1:20 am Saturday.

He knows for a fact that he isn't drunk and neither are you. He can see the clear determination in your eyes, in your posture, as if it was something that had been practiced for a long time.

He continues looking at you, trying to find something to make him back off, to snap out of the trance and it doesn't help that his previous thoughts come surging back from a few seconds ago. He was supposed to reject it, he wants to deny it all and go back to avoiding each other like you used to do months ago.

"Are you sure?" Is what he says instead and he wants to kick himself. All because I can't keep it in my pants.

"Never been more sure in my life."

"Okay."

"Okay..."

"Okay."

She giggles at him, "Hajime, I know you aren't a virgin but are you sure about it?"

He should say no, he knows it because if they do this there will be no going back to how things used to be. But after kissing her like he did today in front of his friends, he doesn't think that's a bad thing at all, his resolve diminishing the more he looked at her with lustful eyes. They could both benefit from it, he thought to himself; and so instead of verbally answering, he walks towards her and pulls her close, kissing her slowly, memorizing her lips as if it were their last. He bites her bottom lip and feels more than hears her moan against his lips.

"Hajime, please."

-

Their clothes lay discarded on the bedroom floor, the clock beside their bed read 2:30 am but he had no hurry, he needed to prep her perfectly until he was sure she could take all of him. He watched her underneath him, writhing in pleasure at the feeling of his slick covered fingers bringing towards another orgasm. He kissed her marked neck, tasting the saltiness of their sweat on it.

He groaned at the feeling of her tightened walls on his fingers, a tell tale of her upcoming orgasm and whispered in her ear, "Give me another one, mochi. One more, baby, come on."

Her body lifted from the bed, nipples dragging against his chest as he felt her come for a third time. He watched her body slump back on the bed, chest heaving and he couldn't believe how beautiful she looked all flustered and hazy from pleasure, his cock throbbed painfully at the thought of entering her and wrecking her.

Unable to stay away, he kissed her passionately, his tongue in search of an unknown treasure in her mouth. His fingertips dragging across her naked skin leaving goosebumps in their wake. He feels her hands reach for him, tugging his hair closer to deepen the kiss.

"Hajime, please, make love to me."

He reached out for the condom he had set earlier ago and opened it. He watched her, seeing her eyes widen at the sight of his cock, making it unconsciously throb at her lustful eyes. He positioned himself in-between her legs and leaned to her lips, kissing her in reassurance, "Are you sure, mochi?"

She smiled at him, "Always."

-

5:15 am

It had been a few minutes since YN had fallen asleep after sharing a bath and yet he couldn't sleep. His mind plagued by their earlier activities and his cock half hard replaying his favorite parts.

The way YN had held him tightly as he entered her for the first time in her life, how he kissed her tears away and let her adapt even though the way her warmth kept on gripping him was pushing him to the edge.

How her tight, gummy walls accommodated to him, the sounds of his pelvis against her, both covered by her juices. The sounds she made and how he was in despair whenever he kissed her, swallowing those sounds that egged him to continue until he made her come again and again on his cock.

When he came, she held his face tenderly, pushing back his hair from his face and kissing him so softly as if he were made of glass. Holding her close to him once he came down from his high, rubbing circles on her back as he whispered words of love and gratitude.

Massaging her legs and back in the bath to help her relax and not feel cramped after sleeping, washing her hair and she washed him and giggling at everything and anything.

He brought her closer to him, making her lay on his chest as he did not long ago, the weight of her body on top of his brining comfort as he finally lost consciousness at the sound of her soft breaths.

-

The weeks following were something he never thought of doing with YN.

He had somehow found normalcy in kissing YN every morning and evening to the point that if he forgot to do it, his mood would be drastically unpleasant. Taking notice of the time and getting anxious if practice had not been wrapped up once it was getting close to that time. It almost seemed like he flew out of practice to pick up YN from school and kissing her in front of her friends, making sure to every guy out there how unavailable she is.

It wasn't until the night before he left for an away game that he realized how amazing she is. Her naked body against his, sticky from sex and yet it was somewhat very pleasant. He passed his hand through the dips and curves that wrapped around her body, the contrast of her softness against his calloused hands taking a place in his heart at their difference.

As he laid here in bed, with her by his side, he wondered if this would have been the outcome had he decided to date YN instead of Jae and if so, this is what he would have preferred. He relishes on the fact that sex with you has never made him feel disgusted with himself as when its with Jae, and he can't bring it into himself why.

He watched her sleep with a deep longing for an answer.

Why didn't I fall in love with you?

have you ever met a person who at first glance you're not attracted to

but when you talk and with every word every smile every laugh

they become more beautiful until you can't believe there was a moment you didn't think they were.

have you ever - atticus

taglist ! @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

a/n! next chapter is the last one for part 1 (there will be a part 2, dw lovelies). its all coming together and i want to say, thank you for reading and breaking apart with me :) ♥ love you all!

[hitozy]

desiderium ‹ masterlist › ephemeral

𝐅𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐮𝐬

Living with Kageyama Tobio was an easier transition than I had thought. I wasn't entirely sure why but it was and I am not complaining.

Once Kageyama had picked me up and passed to the house for some of my essentials, we spent the whole afternoon cleaning the second room, which was unsurprisingly filled with boxes of trophies and trinkets of his youth that proved as decorations to make his apartment a bit homier.

It wasn't until three days later that I called my parents. I waited until Kageyama came back and showered to finally do it. He sat by my side on the couch, eating the katsudon I made when I came back from school and gave me a thumbs up in encouragement as I dialed my mom's number on speaker, I didn't want to repeat the conversation and he already knows how they are.

"YN! You finally remembered that you have parents!"

I groan and Kageyama quietly chuckles at my reaction, "I always remember, don't I text you everyday?"

"You should call me everyday, you ungrateful brat."

"MOM."

"Is that YN?" I hear my fathers voice in the background and I sigh in relief that he's already home and interfering. I love my mother but she can be... exhausting at times.

"Yes, and she's being a brat, here let me..." I can suddenly hear the TV in the background of a soap opera that she always watches at this hour, "There, say something!"

"Hi dad!"

"Hello my butterfly," my fathers soothing voice comes through the speaker and it sets my soul at ease, "How are you? How is school?"

"You better be getting good grades, YN! I didn't raise a quitter!"

I chuckle at their dynamic, my mother had always been a tad bit more aggressive than my father but she meant it in the best way possible and had never been too uncaring. I couldn't say that about the rest though...

"School is good, I'm participating in the script writing of a play actually. How are you two doing?"

"We are doing well, your father finally got the old garden back up and works on it when he comes back from work. It just took you moving out for him to find some peace."

"Love, don't say that. You know we both work on the garden because she's not here anymore."

I felt my heart skip a beat as they said that, I didn't think they would miss me that much. Hearing them admit that they are looking for things to do because of my absence makes me uneasy and guilty. They must think I'm so happy without them...

Kageyama leans his head on my shoulder and gives me a small smile, its clear that he finds it endearing and can't help but move closer to listen in.

"But you didn't answer a question butterfly."

"What question, dad?"

"Brat, how are you?"

Its silent for a moment and I contemplate if I should just keep my mouth shut so I don't conflict my parents. I never was problematic or dramatic as a kid, just quiet, I never wanted to cause any problems to my parents that always worked so hard to give me the best.

But if I don't say the truth, it will hurt more once things don't... work out. But they still don't need to know everything, so I settle for the reason of the call.

"... I want to go to therapy."

"Is everything alright? Did you and Iwaizumi have a fall out?" I almost laughed, a fall out is the lightest way of explaining what had happened. We flew and crashed to our deaths, dad.

"It's complicated and I can't seem to focus. Kageyama has recommended me his therapist."

"Have you talked to Iwaizumi about this?" My mothers voice cuts through me, and its it an icy stab in my chest. Some old habits are hard to break, YN, patience.

"Iwaizumi doesn't know I want to go."

"Why don't you put him on the phone then, and we can discuss it together?"

I don't want that, mom." I feel frustrated at her words, at her reluctance, "Why would he need to discuss this? I want to go."

"YN-"

"Love, no, stop." My father cuts my mother off, her huff of displeasure clear through the phones speaker, "If you want to go, then you can go. Agreed?" I hear my mother utter agreement and then his tone changed into worry, "Butterfly... did something happen?"

I feel Kageyama thread his fingers through mine and squeeze. It was a comforting gesture that I wholeheartedly welcomed in that moment. "Something did happen... but I'm not ready to talk about it."

"Are you with Iwaizumi now? Do you need us to go and get you?"

"YN. I will go down there right now and beat him to a pulp if he's trapping you. Don't think I won't, he may be tall but I can still cut off his knee caps."

I chuckle softly, my mother's attitude and demeanor change will always give me whiplash. I feel a rumble of laughter from Kageyama at this and shush him, we both know if she knew what he did, there would be a thousand hells to pay.

"Um, I left a few days ago actually."

"Was it that bad?" "Where are you now?" "Butterfly what happened? Should we call the police" "I will kill him before they get there, YN, where are you?"

I can help the chuckle that escapes me and Kageyama can barely keep it in either, they had different ways of caring, but they cared none the less.

"I'm staying with Tobio, he has an extra bedroom in his apartment."

Its silent on the other line for a bit, and then I hear my mother say in relief, "Oh thank God, if she had said 'with Oikawa in Argentina', I was three seconds away from flying there and ripping her head off!"

Kageyama burst out laughing at that, which made a chain reaction to all of us. Once we calmed down, Kageyama was joining in the conversation with my parents and I watched happily their interaction.

I missed this peace.

Going to therapy is a peculiar concept, yo go to talk to a stranger about things you can tell your close friends or family. So imagine how peculiar I feel, sitting in a psychologist office, in front of said psychologist with whom I've watched another man fawn over just as badly as I have since his high school years.

I wonder if Connie even knows about it?

"So, YN, I haven't seen you in a while, right? Since Matsukawa's 21st birthday?"

I nodded, relieved with the small talk she decided to start with. "Yeah how have you been, Connie?"

She smiles at me gently, "I've been doing well, went to a friends house on Friday to watch Iwaizumi's team play, they did well! You must be proud of him."

I flinched at the mention of it. The memory still fresh in my head and the smell of Jae's perfume on his skin still present, fresh and the phone in my hand felt like red hot. I placed it beside me and rubbed my palm to soothe the imaginary pain.

"Ah, trouble in paradise? I'm not really qualified for couples therapy but I do-"

"He doesn't love me."

Connie looks at me, the frown placed on her face doesn't suit her, "Why would you say that? He doesn't say it to you?"

I chuckle bitterly, "Not in a way that would make him marry me. Not how I do."

"YN," she closes her notebook and reaches for my hand, "why don't you start from the beginning then? What made you come?" The moment I looked at her eyes, it was like a dam had been broken down inside of me once again and I poured everything out of myself, I told Connie everything, all of it and she listened to me, patiently without any judgement on her face. The only time she wasn't looking at me was when she stood up to take a box of tissues from the cabinet in the back, handing them to me.

"And this all happened a few days ago? I bet you feel overwhelmed."

I blew my nose as much as I could and still felt disgusting. My eyes were so puffy I could barely open them and my face was hot, "Yeah, sorry." It came out nasally, making me cringe. I must look like a mess.

"Please, don't apologize. I can see why Kageyama gave you recommended you. You don't really need marriage counseling yet. But, YN," She pondered a bit on her words, "Why didn't you cancel the wedding?"

I twisted the hairband on my wrist, an anxious twitch I had developed since a child, one my mother would always reprimand me for. "I promised him."

"Yes, you did promise to marry him because from what you and everyone knew, he was single and had no one else in mind."

"Its true, he was single."

"No, not really." I paused my unconscious actions, remembering how he knew where her apartment was and the floor number; when I had never even been there, not once.

"Can I give you my input on this? Are you okay with that?"

I nod, "Yeah, go ahead."

"I think you both made mistakes and it was carried onto the marriage. Iwaizumi married you knowing he was still in love with Jae and you married him disregarding it. I am not," she makes a cross with her arms, "choosing anyone's side. I do believe that what Iwaizumi did must have cause your sudden instability emotionally, but I also think that this goes back much further than the day before the wedding.

"If I recall, Jae said that she had started planning this when they were fifteen. How old were you in that time?"

"It was my birthday... twelve? Thirteenth? I think. I cried so much that I turned my brain into goo."

"That's alright. You were really young, and you already had such strong feelings for him. Why is that?"

I thought about it for a while, pondering for an answer to that question. Memories of our youth, of our childhood passed my mind rapidly trying to find an answer. Because he always helped me? Because he was my first friend?

He was caring and loyal.

He always had my back in every situation.

He would get into fights with everyone that had called me an attention whore, everyone that spread rumors about me being a slut in high school because I only hung out with boys.

Once he left, it came back to bite my ass for the rest of it and it followed me into college until everyone found out I was getting married.

"Because he was my comfort zone. I knew I could count on him to always be there for me and I never tried to get out of it, I just... waited for him. As I always have."

"Are you still waiting for him?"

"I think I am."

"Do you want to?"

I look up to meet Connie's eyes and see nothing but reassurance. She didn't pity me or think less of me, she just wanted to help and I appreciated it wholeheartedly.

"... I don't and I'm not sure what to do."

Connie smiled at me, "Good thing you're here then, because I can help with that."

I gave her a small smile in return, "I'd like that, thanks."

"I know this is the first time I'm going to therapy, but honestly, it should be counting as a sport because actually talking about feelings and figuring things out? Fucking exhausting and homework? Ugh..."

Kageyama laughs at that as I get into his car but I'm not lying. My bones feel like gelatin, my head hurts, my eyes are super puffy and its hard to breath through my still congested nose. All in all, I feel awfully great.

"That's how it always starts, but it'll get better the more you go and the more you let go. Just gotta keep on going..." he looked at me through the corner of his eye as he began to drive, "You are going to keep on going, right?"

"I already signed up once every week for the next 8 months, so yes. I will."

He hummed in acknowledgement and continued driving us home. I had gotten the appointment between after school and the end of Kags training. The drive was quiet, with light music in the background and very comfortable, until my ringing phone interrupted it.

"You actually have a ringtone?"

"I can never feel it when it vibrates and I always lose it."

He snickers a 'loser' as I answer without looking.

His deep voice flowed through the receptor of my phones speaker, like chocolate melting on my tongue, "Hey mochi, I didn't think you would answer." He seemed languid, almost lazy, he must have just gotten off of work.

"Yeah, I didn't see the caller ID."

He chuckles at that, a bitter edge in his tone, "I figured and I don't blame you for it."

I want to stay quiet because I honestly did not want to talk to him, I was still hurt by it all and I was not ready to move out of it, I still needed to think about it all. But I also remember what I spoke with Connie about.

I need to get out of my comfort zone with him and move on. "Is there anything you need, Iwaizumi? Are you alright?" I can see Kageyama peer at me when we stop at a red light, his eyebrows cocked up in question.

"My mom called, its almost the wedding anniversary and she wants us to celebrate with the family."

"What did you tell her?"

"I told her that we are still 5 months away from it and I needed to ask you."

I felt sick. Not by the prospect of having to be in the same room as them but at the sound of his voice. It was so nonchalant, so closed off and ... cocky. Years of knowing him could only come up with one conclusion, he's pissed off out of his mind.

I didn't like that. "I have to think about it."

"Alright then... let me know."

"Okay, are you-" Before I could finish my sentence, he hung up. I stared at my phone for a while, not believe this. He's entitled to his feelings and everything he wants to say but... Why is he so pissed?

Is he angry at me?

"You okay there?" Kageyama asks, slightly pulling me out of my stupor. I turn of the screen of my phone and slowly place it inside my bag in wonder.

"I don't know, I think I'm pissed at Iwaizumi."

Kageyama chuckles and smiles at my words, patting my knee.

"Finally. Something other than waterworks, we're making progress already!"

fil·​i·​pen·​du·​lous | \ fi-li-PEN-juh-luhs \ (adj.) : suspended by or strung upon a thread

a\n! We didn't have much interaction with the parents, so I thought this would be a good time to have them appear and show who they are :) are we liking Connie? or are we liking Connie? ♥

taglist ! ​ @daphnxy @zukoslosthishonor @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

never give all the heart ‹ masterlist › take, oh those lips away

𝐀𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐚𝐥 .

At night in the comfort of my room - soon to be my old room, I close the door and let go. The pain, the heartache, the loss takes over my whole body - but the tears I had been hoping to expel are nowhere to be seen instead numbness covers my body.

As I shower, I don’t feel the temperature of the water, only how my arms feel like lead. I dry my hair and put on my pajamas on automatic. I can hear that outside the door my mother, my aunts and my cousins are chatting excitedly about my wedding. I can hear Jae laughing as if 3 hours ago Iwaizumi had not been begging her, on his knees, to pick him.

The sick feeling in my stomach that I’ve had since that moment acts up and I run to empty out. Finally, finally while I lay my head on the toilet I feel it. The tears running down my cheeks, the sob in my throat and it doesn’t stop. It won’t stop, not when I drag myself back to my bed, not when I wrap myself around my comforter, not when I curl up in a ball and clutch tightly against my chest the shiba inu plush Iwaizumi won for me before he left. The memory bursting right through me.

                                                       ―

Going to the festival was a tradition for us, the games, the smell of fried food and sweat. Next week Iwaizumi would be leaving, moving to California for University. 14136 KM, 8783.8 miles, 11 hours and 18 minutes of distance. I won’t see him until he’s finally ready to come back, until the road toward his dream is paved.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

His deep voice snaps me out of it, amusement marrying his features.

“Huh?”

“You seemed miles away all of a sudden, I was thinking of ways to bring you back. You okay?”

“Yeah, I'm sorry,” I laugh bashful, “I was just thinking about how far California is.”

Iwaizumi stares at me for a while and takes me hand, he drags me along with him to a game stand. A large shiba inu plush was marked as the grand prize, “How about I win you something? That way, whenever you miss me and can’t reach me, or need a hug, you can hug the plush and imagine it's me. Yeah?”

“First you have to win it, Hajime.”

He laughs freely, “As if I’d ever lose!”

                                                       ―

                           The tears only stop once I fall asleep.

                                                       ―

Mother has been giving me worried glances ever since I came down this morning. I tried keeping the mood light and happy but I knew from the mirror that my crying was noticeable. No one commented on it, it seemed like another unspoken rule, ‘Never upset the bride-to-be on her wedding day.’

As I’m getting ready for hair, makeup and the dress my phone rings.

my one: how r u feeling, mochi?

I feel like crying again just by reading the old nickname he gave me as kids, when I asked him about it years later, he squeezed my cheeks with one hand, “Because your cheeks are squishy, like mochi! It's cute!”

mochi mochi: nervous, you?

my one: its all going to be ok, don’t worry ur pretty little head, alright?

mochi mochi: all right, i’ll see you in a few

my one: yeah, u can’t miss me, i’ll be the one at the end of the aisle

mochi mochi: i’ll be the one in white

my one: hey, mochi

my one: thank you, you didn’t have to agree to it or offer, but i’m glad it's with a friend and not a stranger

my one: i’ll always be your big bro and if you find someone during the way that fulfills you like a husband should - we’ll drop this whole thing, alright?

my one: love u mochi, see you soon

I can’t answer this, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. I love you, only you. Why...

I place my phone to the side as soon as the stylist comes in with their crew to get me and my family ready. I hear rustling in my left and then her voice. Jae. 

“How are you feeling little cousin?!” She smiles brightly at me, as if she hadn’t broken Iwaizumi’s heart last night. As if she didn’t know she had stolen my husband’s heart.

I laugh nervously, “This is all very nerve racking, Jae.” Mostly just you and Iwaizumi.

“I bet! After all those years of pinning after Haji-kun, you finally got him and not just the high school version, but the mature hunky! Lucky Ynnie~ I bet the wedding night is going to be superb for you two ~”

“Yeah…”

My mother shushes at Jae, “Don’t tease her like that Jae, she’s already nervous with the wedding! She doesn’t need to worry about their… nightly activities!”

Jae bursts out laughing, “Nightly activities!? Auntie we all know its sex!”

“Yes, sister, don’t be a prude, we are all adults.”

As your aunts and older cousins argue with your mother, Jae winks at you, “Don’t worry cousin, Haji-kun is a gentleman. He will be gentle and sweet with you - or you could always ask him to wait, it’s not like he won’t respect it! He loves you so much!”

I laugh and it's a bitter sound but thankfully between the make up crew and my family, Jae doesn’t hear it. 

Nor does she hear me mumble, “I bet you’d know all about it, huh.”

                                                       ―

My father cries the moment he sees me, wearing my mothers old wedding dress and grandmother's veil. “Papa… don’t cry.”

“Hajime truly chose a beautiful wife,” I turn and spot his parents glassy eyes filled with emotion, “I’m sorry you have to give her away, LN-san.” Don’t look so nostalgic, don’t look at me like that, if you knew what I knew you’d be beyond yourself. I’m not worthy, your son doesn’t love me.

“If he makes her happy, I have no objection.” The unshed tears disappear at your fathers bravado and the fake laugh you let out makes your chest hurt. Oh Papa, please don’t say that, please. “Well, my butterfly, are you ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, papa.”

Oh, I am very weary,

Though tears no longer flow;

My eyes are tires of weeping,

My heart is sick of woe;

My life is very lonely,

My days pass heavily,

I’m wearing of repining,

Wilt thou not come to me?

Oh, didst thou know my longings

For thee, from day to day,

My hopes, so often blighted,

Thou wouldst not thus delay!

Appeal by Anne Brontë

taglist ! ​​ @daphnxy​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes @anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

prologue ‹ masterlist › appeal

𝐍𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭 .

‘A woman should always look forward to her wedding day!’

It was something I had heard time and time again as a child, like as if it was a law. The unspoken consequence was never said out loud, but nevertheless I knew what it was:

‘An unmarried woman will never survive in this society.’

I had never wanted to marry, I never wanted a husband, a string around my neck - tied to someone that will never let me grow. I didn’t even find anyone attractive. At the age of 13, feelings of affection and love started to reveal themselves. I found out that I only had feelings for one person. I wanted to marry the first man I fell in love with - Iwaizumi Hajime.

He has been my closest, most reliable friend since we were toddlers. He had played with me and was so kind (yet teasing) even when he was a few years older. My crush to him was so obvious and yet, he never seemed to notice it.

I went to every volleyball game and cheered for him loudly, took him to his favorite food shop and treated him whenever he lost a match. Sneaked out of my house at early hours of the morning whenever he texted that he felt sad. I cried when he graduated High School and left for America soon after. 

Hajime had never been one for love though, always saying that it was his best friend (even if he didn’t want to admit it) Oikawa's thing. He was more in the shadow’s, just watching, like me. When mother told me that Hajime had given his blessing to his parents for an arranged marriage, it would be a lie to say that I didn’t jump at the opportunity.

Shortly after, Hajime had called me to ask about it. I didn’t know how to answer it, do I just admit that I’m in love with him? I wanted to, the words were on the tip of my tongue but instead all I could say was, “Who better to marry than my best friend?”

When I got a call saying that Hajime accepted the marriage proposal, I felt like exploding. He called me afterwards with his own, “I don’t think I would want to marry someone I don’t know. I’d rather be with my best friend.”

It should have made me happy but instead I felt an inkling of pain as he uttered those words. They seemed empty, plain, as if he had rehearsed it a thousand times. As if he didn’t mean it.

When he came back from America, his parents and my own started to organize the wedding; Hajime and I would go out to pick stuff that needed our approval, try foods for us and our invites. House hunt and by furniture for it, all of it felt so… domestic. It made me feel like there was nothing I would ever want and I forgot about his empty voice. During it all Hajime always sported a lovely smile, so caring and tender, holding my hand, kissing my cheek and temple - like when we were kids.

He would call me during the day, whenever I wasn’t in class to ask about my day. I would text him during the day since he was busy working as an athletic trainer. It felt like it had been, but at the same time it was very different.

It was like heaven.

                                                        ―

The day before our wedding, Hajime disappeared during the dinner reception and as our family and friends entered and asked for him, I excused myself to look for him.

At first I thought he was being evasive, not wanting to deal with his friends mocking him about finally having the ol’ ball n chain, then it was that he felt too crowded, a million scenarios went through your mind but never this. You never thought of this. 

Of Hajime on his knees in front of Jae.

He looked at her as if she were his lifeline and she looked at him like...

“She’s my cousin, Haji, I can’t make you cancel the wedding. She’s loved you since forever.”

“She doesn’t, and even if she did - I don’t love her, not like that. I am only in love with you, please Jae, take me and we can run away together.”

“Why her? Did you choose her because of pity or to get back at me because I dumped you when you moved to the US?”

“...Because both of you are close. If I can’t have you, then at least I can see you.”

The silence that took place was deafening. I couldn’t breath, if I did they would hear it and know I was there. I couldn’t do this to him, couldn’t add this onto his shoulders.

“Oh Haji… I’m sorry. I can’t do it.”

“Jae…”

No more. I can’t bear anymore.

As I turn and walk away; away from the heartache, the lies and him. The overwhelming emotions threatened to surface but when I saw my parents and the Iwaizumi’s wearing hopeful, happy faces, I knew I couldn’t. They had done everything to make this wedding perfect, they thought that Hajim ― Iwaizumi loved me.

I entered the dining room and placed my best 100 watt smile, burning my heartbreak deep down. I’ll stop this madness if he wants to, I’ll stop it all. Soon enough he comes back and there’s a hollow look in his eyes, a bottomless pit of despair. I reached out to him, as soon as my hand touched his the masked slipped back in place. 

What should I do?

                                                        ―

Iwaizumi drove me back home, per his insistence and our parents. It felt stuffy, uncomfortable, something I never thought I’d feel with him. The image of him kneeling before Jae, begging her to choose him still fresh on my mind.

”Hajime?”

”Yes?”

”Are you sure about this?”

”About what?”

”About you and I. Getting married.”

“Why? You backing out and want to marry someone else in a few years? I guess divorce would be a wrong way if you wanted to remarry...”

“No! I- you know I’m not like that Hajime.”

“Yeah, I know. You don’t have affection unless you know actually connect with them right? Demi sexual you said. I guess it would be hard to find someon-”

‘Oh God stop! Just - isn’t there someone else that you fancy or fancies you? Someone else that you prefer to spend your life with, who loves you?” 

This is it, he’s going to tell me that the wedding is off, that Jae chose him.

Instead, he bitterly laughs, “There isn’t a person in the world who could love me.”

I do, I love you like no other. I don’t think I can love another.

                                                         ―

Never give all the heart, for love

Will hardly seem worth thinking of

To passionate women if it seem

Certain, and they never dream

That it fades out from kiss to kiss;

For everything that’s lovely is

But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.

O never give the heart outright,

For they, for all smooth lips can say,

Have given their hearts up to the play.

And who could play it well enough

If deaf and dumb and blind with love?

He that made this knows all the cost,

For he gave all his heart and lost.

Never give all the heart by W.B. Yeats

taglist !  @daphnxy​  @zukoslosthishonor​ @i-am-a-hoe-for-shinya @mrsdoradominguez-barnes@anejuuuuoy

[hitozy]

Momma Iwa was so freaking rude for no reason! Like ok I get Iwa is your baby boy but seriously?? Blaming reader??

I’m absolutely in love with Kiyoomi 😭💕. He really said I’ll father your baby. Like damn I’d never leave him 👰‍♀️💍

I can’t wait for the next chapter! I’m curious as to what she’ll do. If she continues to try or simply gives up and then Iwa finds out once he sees them on the street 🤔. She can’t say she didn’t try to reach out

But omg this was such an amazing chapter! 💖🥰 Thank you for updating 😘

ngl I was extremely nervous because I know a lot of you were rooting for Kags, but its a relief to know that you liked Kiyoomi♥

we have two more chapter left before part ii ends, so lets see what happens~

[hitozy]

hi!! i am very new here but i just binged owwaw and holy CRAP. it’s so good, i’ve laughed, i’ve cried, i’ve felt ALL THE EMOTIONS! i just wanted to say that the way you make my heart B R E A K along with y/n’s is truly amazing, i don’t usually cry when reading fics but you just have this way of writing that makes it so easy to feel the characters emotions. i love this fic and i’m def gonna binge more!! i cant wait to read the next chapters!!

hi love, welcome!

it makes me so happy to read this because I pour my heart and soul into these chapters, I don't want to give anyone a half-assed thing. I try my best to merge myself with YN to give you all the best experience in the fic and to read that you feel the connection with her makes me happy♥ because we are all yn!

thank you for sticking around for the rest of the fic, I promise that you won't be disappointed 😘

[hitozy]

Love the new chapter of owwaw! I know I’ve already said this but I’ll say it once again: I LOVE TOBIO SUPPORTIVE KING

I feel like he’s the friend we all wish we had 😩

As for Iwa, I think he’s mad because he knows that he’s losing her. She doesn’t want to talk to him and he knows that the only reason she is, is because she didn’t see the caller ID. Otherwise, I’m sure she wouldn’t have spoken to him so soon.

I LOVE CONNIE!!! She seems like a great therapist and I’m happy that y/n went to her. It was much needed. Especially because I think y/n hasn’t really explored the depth of her emotions/feelings. Does she really love him? Or is she confusing feeling safe for love? Because those are 2 completely different things. Anyhow, I’m glad she’s going to finally explore and figure that out.

Speaking of the anniversary, let me find out it’s gonna be a celebration not for their marriage but for their divorce 😩 (I’m all for it, your honor)

I don’t know but I feel like once she takes a step back, she’ll be making a lot of realizations about what she really wants and who it is she wants to be with. Iwa can’t blame her if she leaves this mess not loving him anymore.

But thanks for updating! I love this so much 💕

This... took a long time to answer, and I'm so sorry :(

Tobio is a king, in and outside of the court💙 I'm just happy everyone loves him (because he deserves it) and making them therapy buddies makes me happy.

I can only say one thing: the phone call won't be the last we hear from Iwa. That's all.

'm sorry this week's update is going to be late, but I'd rather post nothing that give you all an awful chapter :(