#pathetic miau miau man

[miauxkitty]

getting high and wet as i hump the arm of my office chair, wishing and pretending i was humping your leg instead

[draculalive]

Dr. Seward's Diary.

1 October. -- I am puzzled afresh about Renfield. His moods change so rapidly that I find it difficult to keep touch of them, and as they always mean something more than his own well-being, they form a more than interesting study. This morning, when I went to see him after his repulse of Van Helsing, his manner was that of a man commanding destiny. He was, in fact, commanding destiny -- subjectively. He did not really care for any of the things of mere earth; he was in the clouds and looked down on all the weaknesses and wants of us poor mortals. I thought I would improve the occasion and learn something, so I asked him:---

"What about the flies these times?" He smiled on me in quite a superior sort of way -- such a smile as would have become the face of Malvolio -- as he answered me:---

"The fly, my dear sir, has one striking feature; its wings are typical of the aërial powers of the psychic faculties. The ancients did well when they typified the soul as a butterfly!"

I thought I would push his analogy to its utmost logically, so I said quickly:---

"Oh, it is a soul you are after now, is it?" His madness foiled his reason, and a puzzled look spread over his face as, shaking his head with a decision which I had but seldom seen in him, he said:---

"Oh, no, oh no! I want no souls. Life is all I want." Here he brightened up; "I am pretty indifferent about it at present. Life is all right; I have all I want. You must get a new patient, doctor, if you wish to study zoöphagy!"

This puzzled me a little, so I drew him on:---

"Then you command life; you are a god, I suppose?" He smiled with an ineffably benign superiority.

"Oh no! Far be it from me to arrogate to myself the attributes of the Deity. I am not even concerned in His especially spiritual doings. If I may state my intellectual position I am, so far as concerns things purely terrestrial, somewhat in the position which Enoch occupied spiritually!" This was a poser to me. I could not at the moment recall Enoch's appositeness; so I had to ask a simple question, though I felt that by so doing I was lowering myself in the eyes of the lunatic:---

"And why with Enoch?"

"Because he walked with God." I could not see the analogy, but did not like to admit it; so I harked back to what he had denied:---

"So you don't care about life and you don't want souls. Why not?" I put my question quickly and somewhat sternly, on purpose to disconcert him. The effort succeeded; for an instant he unconsciously relapsed into his old servile manner, bent low before me, and actually fawned upon me as he replied:---

"I don't want any souls, indeed, indeed! I don't. I couldn't use them if I had them; they would be no manner of use to me. I couldn't eat them or -- -- " He suddenly stopped and the old cunning look spread over his face, like a wind-sweep on the surface of the water. "And doctor, as to life, what is it after all? When you've got all you require, and you know that you will never want, that is all. I have friends -- good friends -- like you, Dr. Seward"; this was said with a leer of inexpressible cunning. "I know that I shall never lack the means of life!"

I think that through the cloudiness of his insanity he saw some antagonism in me, for he at once fell back on the last refuge of such as he -- a dogged silence. After a short time I saw that for the present it was useless to speak to him. He was sulky, and so I came away.

Later in the day he sent for me. Ordinarily I would not have come without special reason, but just at present I am so interested in him that I would gladly make an effort. Besides, I am glad to have anything to help to pass the time. Harker is out, following up clues; and so are Lord Godalming and Quincey. Van Helsing sits in my study poring over the record prepared by the Harkers; he seems to think that by accurate knowledge of all details he will light upon some clue. He does not wish to be disturbed in the work, without cause. I would have taken him with me to see the patient, only I thought that after his last repulse he might not care to go again. There was also another reason: Renfield might not speak so freely before a third person as when he and I were alone.

I found him sitting out in the middle of the floor on his stool, a pose which is generally indicative of some mental energy on his part. When I came in, he said at once, as though the question had been waiting on his lips:---

"What about souls?" It was evident then that my surmise had been correct. Unconscious cerebration was doing its work, even with the lunatic. I determined to have the matter out. "What about them yourself?" I asked. He did not reply for a moment but looked all round him, and up and down, as though he expected to find some inspiration for an answer.

"I don't want any souls!" he said in a feeble, apologetic way. The matter seemed preying on his mind, and so I determined to use it -- to "be cruel only to be kind." So I said:---

"You like life, and you want life?"

"Oh yes! but that is all right; you needn't worry about that!"

"But," I asked, "how are we to get the life without getting the soul also?" This seemed to puzzle him, so I followed it up:---

"A nice time you'll have some time when you're flying out there, with the souls of thousands of flies and spiders and birds and cats buzzing and twittering and miauing all round you. You've got their lives, you know, and you must put up with their souls!" Something seemed to affect his imagination, for he put his fingers to his ears and shut his eyes, screwing them up tightly just as a small boy does when his face is being soaped. There was something pathetic in it that touched me; it also gave me a lesson, for it seemed that before me was a child -- only a child, though the features were worn, and the stubble on the jaws was white. It was evident that he was undergoing some process of mental disturbance, and, knowing how his past moods had interpreted things seemingly foreign to himself, I thought I would enter into his mind as well as I could and go with him. The first step was to restore confidence, so I asked him, speaking pretty loud so that he would hear me through his closed ears:---

"Would you like some sugar to get your flies round again?" He seemed to wake up all at once, and shook his head. With a laugh he replied:---

"Not much! flies are poor things, after all!" After a pause he added, "But I don't want their souls buzzing round me, all the same."

"Or spiders?" I went on.

"Blow spiders! What's the use of spiders? There isn't anything in them to eat or" -- he stopped suddenly, as though reminded of a forbidden topic.

"So, so!" I thought to myself, "this is the second time he has suddenly stopped at the word 'drink'; what does it mean?" Renfield seemed himself aware of having made a lapse, for he hurried on, as though to distract my attention from it:---

"I don't take any stock at all in such matters. 'Rats and mice and such small deer,' as Shakespeare has it, 'chicken-feed of the larder' they might be called. I'm past all that sort of nonsense. You might as well ask a man to eat molecules with a pair of chop-sticks, as to try to interest me about the lesser carnivora, when I know of what is before me."

"I see," I said. "You want big things that you can make your teeth meet in? How would you like to breakfast on elephant?"

"What ridiculous nonsense you are talking!" He was getting too wide awake, so I thought I would press him hard. "I wonder," I said reflectively, "what an elephant's soul is like!"

The effect I desired was obtained, for he at once fell from his high-horse and became a child again.

"I don't want an elephant's soul, or any soul at all!" he said. For a few moments he sat despondently. Suddenly he jumped to his feet, with his eyes blazing and all the signs of intense cerebral excitement. "To hell with you and your souls!" he shouted. "Why do you plague me about souls? Haven't I got enough to worry, and pain, and distract me already, without thinking of souls!" He looked so hostile that I thought he was in for another homicidal fit, so I blew my whistle. The instant, however, that I did so he became calm, and said apologetically:---

"Forgive me, Doctor; I forgot myself. You do not need any help. I am so worried in my mind that I am apt to be irritable. If you only knew the problem I have to face, and that I am working out, you would pity, and tolerate, and pardon me. Pray do not put me in a strait-waistcoat. I want to think and I cannot think freely when my body is confined. I am sure you will understand!" He had evidently self-control; so when the attendants came I told them not to mind, and they withdrew. Renfield watched them go; when the door was closed he said, with considerable dignity and sweetness:---

"Dr. Seward, you have been very considerate towards me. Believe me that I am very, very grateful to you!" I thought it well to leave him in this mood, and so I came away. There is certainly something to ponder over in this man's state. Several points seem to make what the American interviewer calls "a story," if one could only get them in proper order. Here they are:---

Will not mention "drinking."

Fears the thought of being burdened with the "soul" of anything.

Has no dread of wanting "life" in the future.

Despises the meaner forms of life altogether, though he dreads being haunted by their souls.

Logically all these things point one way! he has assurance of some kind that he will acquire some higher life. He dreads the consequence -- the burden of a soul. Then it is a human life he looks to!

And the assurance -- ?

Merciful God! the Count has been to him, and there is some new scheme of terror afoot!

[ask-youtubezaki]

1. Buggs 2. Darryl 3. Rita 4. Billy 5. Arian 6. Lottika 7. Lanah 8. Cathy 9. Tracie 10. Sasha 11. Alexei 12. Yanny 13. Audrey 14. André 15. Emilio 16. Lola 17. Valerie 18. Jessy 19. Ivan 20. Mikhail

Buggs (-): Ja, bro. Du bist auch mein Fav und so. Vielleicht muss ich den nächsten Trial nicht mal nur im Publikum bei Frau’n sitzen!! >:( Aber trotzdem danke!

Darryl (+3): Aber warum?! Was hab ich denn gemacht?! Ich will mich doch nur verdächtig machen, ist das zu viel verlangt?

Rita (+10): Huh!?!? 10 Plätze hoch? Ich bin unter den Top 10… Nein, sogar den Top 3? Och, lass mich dich drücken. (￣∇￣)

Billy (-2): ……

Mari: Ich hab Papi auch lieb (ㆁᴗㆁ✿)

Arian (-2): Ich dachte erstmal, du hast mich auf Platz 1000 getan (´ﾟдﾟ`) Zum Glück hab ich mir hier auch noch gefunden…

Lottika (+10): Aww! Lotta hat dich auch lieb!! Lotta packt dich auf Lotta’s Liste auch nach vorne. Lotta freut das Ergebnis dieser Liste und versucht den Platz zu halten. （＾∀＾）Lasst uns weiterhin gut zusammen arbeiten!

Lanah (+10): 10 Plätze nach oben? Dankeschön! Ich muss gestehen, letztes mal war ich etwas enttäuscht, wie weit hinten ich war, darum freut es mich umso mehr, dass ich so weit nach vorne gekommen bin.

Cathy (-4): Miau!!! Ich liebe dich auch!! Und was soll das heißen, ich sterbe früher, weil ich so Cathyrig bin? Hmmm? Ich bin doch wohl eindeutig ein Survivor kinda girl, oder? ^ↀᴥↀ^

Tracie (-): Hahaha, ich hab meinen Platz gehalten, mein Schatz! Übrigens zeigen die Mädchen hier mal Dominanz!

Sasha (-2): Ich… hätte mich viel weiter unten erwartet! D-danke… (Arian: Nur weil ich dir mit deiner Freetime einen Korb gegeben habe?)

Alexei (+1): Ah! Dankeschön! Ich glaube, wenn du neutral auf mich gestimmt bist, ist das gut. In der Mitte, da hasst du mich nicht und hast auch keine zu hohen Erwartungen. DANKE!! (ᗒᗨᗕ) Der Platzabsturz für Emilio tut mir Leid, er nimmt sich das zu viel zu Herzen…

Yanny (-2): Chrrrr….. Danke. Ich bin müde…. Und danke, dass du mich für wichtig genug hälst, der Chapter 5 Turning Point zu sein.

Audrey (-7): 13… Eigentlich bin ich nicht abergläubisch, aber...

André (-3): Okay, ist mir egal, wo ich bin. Interessiert mich eh nicht.

Emilio (-8): Hello Darkness, my old friend…. Letztes mal war Jessy auf Platz 15. ( ￣＾￣) Und ja, ja, ich bin der Comedic Relief Character, der for some reason lange survived, obwohl er das nicht sollte…. Mhm… Ich gehe jetzt mal in meiner Depression versinken, so wie Yuu von Charlotte (der Typo vom GIF)… *Intense Welcome to my Life starts playing*

Lola (+2): Plus 2? Hawawa… Ich dachte, du hasst mich viel mehr!!! Ich… Ich bin viel höher als ich erwartet habe. Buhuhu… *Sniff*

Valerie (-3): Wie soll ich denn auch steigen?! Grrr! *Schmoll schmoll*. Na ja, jetzt sind die anderen weniger pathetic. Ha, wenigstens bin ich vor Mikhail, dem Eierloch! Und yaaay! Bald joined mir jemand in der Loserarea :D

Jessy (-3): NOCH TIEFER!?!?! AAAH! BAKABAKABAKABAKABAKA!

Ivan (+1): Wie gesagt, ich weiß ja nicht was die Platzierung bedeutet. Die anderen hier müssen sich auch nicht so aufregen und sich das so zu Herzen nehmen. Mir persönlich ist die Platzierung egal.

Mikhail (-1): Auf dem letzten Platz kannst du nicht mehr schlechter werden, nur besser! Auf dem muss man nicht mal versuchen, seinen Platz zu halten. Willst du eigentlich der Order joinen? Und ehh? Wenn du mich gar nicht magst, warum hast du mich dann zum Survivor gemacht, Goldfisch ~?

[yaboyspodcastpalace]

I will do the obvious one and say tma for the blorbo asks!

:D !!!!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

the character to most commonly appear on my mental rotatives is martin obviously ♥ then on a second tier tim and sasha ♥ (and jon, kind of, but he makes me sad :( )

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

hmmmm i dont know...? nobody in this podcast is baby tbh (maybe jon in s3 when hes w/ georgie) (actually no, michael but specifically in a distortion when he makes his murder hands be non threatening so he can hold sasha's makes me go O U G H everytime, but its only that ep dfgdfg)

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

SASHA!!!!!!!!!!!! ABSOLUTE BELOVED!!!!!!! everyday i mourn her and her potential in the podcast had she survived ;__; ;O;

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

MY MAIN MAN MIKAELE even years before his actual appearance i loved him so so much ♥ (he was literally the only recurring name i remembered, also :') )

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

peter IS a poor little miau miau of a man and i adore him a lot 🚢❤ (also emma (harvey) cuz she's the best character of gertrude's era and i love her, webholding queen)

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

emotionally? martin ♥ and peter ♥ and tim and jon but only if martin is involved in some way accidentally or not ♥ i would say sasha too but one time i made her cry and cried myself so its ambiguous :/

physically? elias and the not them are on a looping plinko machine

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

the not them and also elias 🔪🔪🔪 (also i guess helen...? i really dont like her :/)

[Send me a fandom and I’ll tell you my...]

[yaboyspodcastpalace]

Also wolf >:)

😎😈😈😈

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

EIFFEL!!!!!!!!!!!!! sometimes i randomly remember him and i keep thinking about him for like an hour 😭😭😭 minkowski too _(:,3)∠)_

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

honestly? whenever i think abt blessie in minkowski commanding u_u

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

hmmmmmmmmmm....mm? i do not think i have one! for once!

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

my main side man dominik koudelka :^)

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

WELL eiffel IS my poor little miau miau, but if we're going for #problematic then cutter and pryce and hilbert ♥♥♥♥

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Eiffel again :^) sometimes minkowski or cutter, you know very well that :^)

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

the si-5! bc they're overrated imo!!!! (except maybe kepler that is still overrated but he's funney dfgdfg)

[Send me a fandom and I’ll tell you my...]