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randomfoggytiger · 9 months

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Mulder's Alien Baby Baby Trauma In-Depth (Part I): Per Manum, and Waking Up to Miracles

Waking Up to Fatherhood - The Past

Before Mulder's abduction, there were two brief times that Scully almost became a mother.

Both were linked to her stolen ova; but one little girl was born weak and sickly, her only purpose to be a lab rat for her government and to be loved in-between these tests by her adoptive parents. Mulder could not be a father to this hybrid, having failed to be a brother to a clone once already. And, sadly, in spite of all of Scully's training and all of Mulder's attempts, little Emily Sims could not be put back together again.

Later-- we will never know how much later-- he finally told Scully about her other remaining ova, the ones that didn't work. But she wanted to try, anyway.

So, before Mulder's abduction, there was a short period of time where he almost became a father.

It was a simple ask from her partner; and one that Mulder took time to contemplate-- whether by his request or hers or mutual understanding we will never know. But ultimately, he'd made his decision back in Home, Pennsylvania-- "I never saw you as a mother before" (though he'd later covered that intimacy in the motel with a biting "Night, Mom.") The donation was a mere formality.

It's established in a Per Manum script here and here (thanks @dunhamhairograpy and @x-files-scripts) that Scully was rushing into the process faster than Mulder, not having taken the time to think far enough down the road. But her partner-- whose mind was more often engaged elsewhere in the hunt for the Truth-- had. He'd thought about work, and he'd thought about them. But mostly he'd thought about the answer being "yes."

Scully cracked, crumbling in desperate joy and clinging to Mulder in sheer happiness. Her eyebrow popped up as self-preservation and distance engaged, doubts swirling at all the calculations, the changes, the unsaid conversations; but Mulder continued to hold her, luxuriating in the rich satisfaction of granting his partner her greatest wish.

When he was assured that Scully wouldn't step back just yet, Mulder lost his focus in daydreams, a secret contentment spilling out of his beautiful soul. Thrilling hopes and dreams of his own little Mulder-Scully poured from his eyes; and a softer, more paternal smile settled onto his mouth. This is the face of a man who accepted, fully, the anticipation and responsibility of fatherhood-- it's a heartbreakingly tender moment that he treasured to himself, as he had (until Amor Fati) never shared his deepest joys and sharpest pains completely with Scully.

(Side note: This is why I set the IVF arc before S7: Mulder still acted on his trademark guarded manner here, an aspect of himself that is set aside after Amor Fati--another post for another time. That revelation changed his outlook, his life, literally his mind. Here he was still reclusive, reluctant, shy-- all things that were swept away in the aftermath of listening to the world and realizing he only wanted to hear Scully.)

Scully still clung, hoping against hope she was reading this-- him-- right; and finally, finally she stepped back, doing her best to project an air of nonchalance. Anything to keep this-- this IVF this-- as low-key as she could, perhaps so as not to spook Mulder or perhaps not to spook herself; but her delight could not be wholly contained.

Her partner saw right through her, giving a little twist of his lips even as his eyes fixated on her flashing emotions.

To relieve Scully's sudden jitteriness, he quipped "At that part I'm a pro" and dipped, leaving her with the solitude she craved to pull her scrambled pieces back together.

However, despite his overthinking and her underthinking, both are a tad overwhelmed-- Scully noticeably so, though Mulder still shrugged off the moment and released a tense sigh before turning his enthusiastic smile back at his partner. There was no fear or reluctance in his posture, and only heightened reservation in hers; so it's safe to assume Mr. and Mrs. Spooky would have relaxed naturally into their impending parenthood long before Spooky Jr. arrived. Both wanted this, yes; and there would still have been some awkward bumps ahead, but it would have led them closer together. They were partners, after all.

Alas, that was not to be.

In the last IVF flashback, Scully walked back into her apartment, quiet and glum. When Mulder popped up on her couch-- having fallen asleep (and still trying to take up as little space as possible on her little people couch, even when unconscious)-- she is surprised to see him there.

Mulder explained, still a little slurred, "Scully? I must have dozed off. I was waiting for you to get back." Ever the gentleman, he offered a reasonable explanation for his presence in her space: even if he owned (and owns) a key to the place, Mulder wouldn't use it without a good reason or life-saving crisis (see post here.)

Her eyes were red-rimmed with more tears on the way; and the top of her hair was messed and staticky, likely having rested on her car steering wheel as the first onslaught of tears struck (as she'd cried before in Elegy and The End.)

Realizing she'd been irreparably caught, Scully shrugged into an acceptance of her grief, pulling her mouth tight in a shallow attempt to placate her partner's concerns. Tears still barely held back (not having expected Mulder to be there to catch her in the act), she slowly walked forward, stoically (if uncomfortably) willing to give Mulder his fair and equal share in this failure.

Nothing escaped her partner's wild, wide-eyed stare, realization sinking his tentatively celebratory feelings. For a moment he just observed, eyes falling before sweeping back up to ask ,"Didn't take, did it?"

"I guess it was too much to hope for," Scully replied, pain cracking through at Mulder's overt disappointment. Her "Starbuck" guilt rose up to accuse her: when Scully loses, she's "failed"; and this personal failure went deep. Discouraged-- and not strong enough to fully engage with Mulder's pain, though she knew it was there-- Scully gave up hope.

Mulder was having none of that-- the same facial expression, too-- as he swept Scully up in his arms, not allowing her guilt to add to the burdens on her back. It's a zany comfort all Mulder's own: none of that, Scully, of course it wasn't too much to hope for; sure, we might never get that wish, but that didn't mean it was worthless to hope all the same.

But, again, his deeper disappointment cracked through once Scully could no longer see and blame herself for his pain.

"It was my last chance," Scully keened, straining with everything in her not to lose control, not to completely despair.

The brittle brutality gripped the both of them; and Mulder tightened his hold, rocking them into a calm only two souls united in this grief could experience.

His strength and comfort allowing her to settle back into herself, Scully pulled back just before being hit with a fresh wave of hurt; but Mulder settled that, too, with his special brand of soothing: a forehead kiss.

"Never give up on a miracle," he intoned in accents he'd never used before: solid, unshakeable, unwavering faith tempered by fully matured love.

It was almost too much for Scully; but she dodged last minute to plant a kiss on his cheek instead. (Another reason I believe this took place before Amor Fati: Scully had claimed her right to forehead kisses after his dream confession and revelation. Here she is still too tentative and unsure. Another discussion for another time.)

Mulder consumed her like the ouroboros on her back; and the two closed the loop, clinging to each other-- reclaiming their life and future even with the death of their dreams.

Waking Up to Miracles - The Present

Mulder spent the last three months being split open, pulled apart, and screaming for Scully's help.

Then one night, he stopped waking up.

When awareness does slowly return, his eyes open in a hospital, groggy and sluggish... and he can't remember what happened to bring him here. But that isn't unusual in his line of work; and he knows memory will return with time.

As usual, Scully is stationed by his bed, hesitantly blissful in the face of-- what he considered to be-- another of his mundane recoveries.

It's too tempting to take advantage of her eagerness; and his playfulness gets the better of him. "Who... are you?"

After he's deemed she's had the proper reaction-- shock and a possible heart attack-- he mischievously beams back at her, resuming their usual cheerful hospital camaraderie.

But... her reaction is stronger than usual: a sudden whoosh of relief, swept-aside bedside manner leaving room for open, intimate glee. Her haunted eyes almost speak for her-- "Do you have any idea what you've been through?"-- make him more serious, contemplative.

"I know what I see in your face." Feeling cared for, comforted, to the pit of his soul as his partner begins to stroke his hair, he mouths "I love you", lighting her face up with trembling gratitude.

And him knowing her, still, and loving her, still, melts Scully. He watches as she sinks down in weighted grief and heady relief by his side, soaking her tears in his hospital gown. Although he tries to move closer to comfort or cradle her, his body, he finds, is unyielding. His sober mood turns somber, trying to catch at the greater mystery snagged under so much heartache. Despite the sleep of recovery tugging at him, there is no way he can rest without making her feel better.

"Anybody miss me?"

His partner's choked laugh and her sturdier grip assure and relax him more than any reply; and he drifts off, content.

Mulder misses, however, the severity of his injuries, the signs of his partner's advanced pregnancy, and the shadow of her new partner lengthening the doorway.

But those wait, lurking, with his nightmares.

Thank you for reading~

Enjoy!

#txf #Mulder's Alien Baby Baby Trauma #In-Depth #Part I #Per Manum and Waking Up to Miracles #analysis #S8 #PTSD #DeadAlive #Mulder #Scully #IVF #Per Manum #mine #x-files #xfiles #xf meta #meta #the x files

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cutemothman · 9 months

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per manum thoughts

Honestly, there are a lot of episodes of The X-Files that give me the heebie jeebies but none have come close to the feeling I got watching Per Manum. It's a Scully focused ep in a season that's a little Scully lacking imo so ya girl was excited!

Neither Mulder nor Scully get out of the narrative unscathed in this show but, god, they really love to torture Scully don't they? I mean, we know that having a baby is something that she's wanted for a long time. Something that she thought wasn't possible. And then Mulder waltz in like "Wassup I got some of your ova. It was in my pocket for a while, but I think it's fine" (Fox, babygirl, you're smart. You should know better).

In a series of flashbacks we see them trying IVF. I have to mention that I freaking loved how they did the transitions to the flashbacks here. Like in the elevator! They were absolutely perfect. Anyway, spoiler alert, it doesn't work. (Like seriously, Mulder, IT WAS IN YOUR POCKET FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG. THAT SHIT AIN'T SHELF STABLE) At this point we make the connection that the same doctor that Scully is seeing, the same one that started her IVF, is in cahoots with these doctors taking alien babies from women? (For what purpose....idk that's still unclear to me)

And then we have to watch poor Scully freaking out that she might give birth to an alien baby. Seriously, I felt panicked for her while watching this, it was kinda tough to get through. In sci-fi and horror, aliens are often used as an allegory for pregnancy. Something invading your body and destroying you from the inside out. This feeds into Scully's fear of her own pregnancy, that something could go wrong. That she's alone and scared and without Mulder. And yes, the idea that she could give birth to a literal alien baby. So while I can see what they were going for, I'm just tired y'all. We see her finally get pregnant and even though she doesn't completely understand how it happened (cough cough all things cough cough) she's excited nonetheless. I think she also sees her baby as a tie that she has with Mulder. And if he's gone at least he left a part of him behind. So to have her panic about the true nature of her baby's paternity just seems cruel at this point.

Another terrifying aspect of this episode is Scully's realization that she couldn't even trust her own doctor. We're used to this show taking people in positions of power and showing them as shady and working for their own agenda. (re the entire government) But Scully herself is a doctor. She looks at other people in the medical field and she trusts them. Because they're doctors and they're supposed to help people. Her own doctor turns out to be working for the alien people, so Scully goes to another hospital only to find that she can't trust those doctors either. I think this conveys a very real and prevalent issue, that is still true today, and that is of women and autonomy of their own bodies.

I haven't seen any of the later seasons yet, but I know about the revelation in season 11. It's just another way to use Scully and her body to drive the plot forward. This comes after all that's she's already been through, with her abduction and experimentation. This decision takes away Scully's choice and desire to have a baby and twists it into a nonconsensual nightmare. One were she wasn't in charge or aware of what they were doing to her body. I don't think the (predominantly male) writers understand just how fucked up that is. So yeah, I'm pissed about that. Mulder is the father of Scully's baby and that's that.

We also finally have Doggett finding out that Scully is pregnant. This has been simmering for a while, as he can tell she's keeping something from him. She didn't tell him, but of course he found out based on the circumstances. It's taken me a bit to warm up to him but I've been enjoying Doggett's character development since his introduction, as well as the development of him and Scully's partnership. He honest to god just wants to help her with no ulterior motive and I think that's exactly what she needs right now. Someone in her corner. I think by the end of the episode, when he tells her that he wants to help her and that he's going to find Mulder, he's so earnest about it, and it breaks down the some of the walls that she's built up.

Overall, I have mixed feelings about this episode. On the one hand, we got a lot of insight on Scully's character as well as her relationship with Mulder. But god, as a woman it was kind of brutal to watch. I just love Dana Scully so much and I want her to be happy.

I'd love to hear other thoughts and interpretations for this ep!

#wow this is rambly and probably doesn't make any sense #but i had a lot of feelings #tears were shed #anyway i'm going to sleep now #the x files #txf #fox mulder #dana scully #msr #per manum #chrissy writes

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