#perfect for me breaks my fucking heart WHY IS THE ALBUM VERSION JUST HIM WHY DIDN'T POPPY GET A VERSE

[citnamora]

WHYYYY WOULD THEY NOT PUT THE BRANCH POPPY DUET ON THE WORLD TOUR ALBUM JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE YOU SON OF A BITCH GIVE ME THAT FUCKING DUET

[ri-ahhh]

good times

things come to a head, as it were. part 3 in this lil trilogy.

warnings: kinda long, almost all smut, probably one of the dirtier things I’ve written in a while

A/N: once again, I apologize this is so long and there’s no keep reading break. Even if tumblr did work on my laptop, my cat chewed up my charger and it’s dead so.. yeah. Sorry again.

***

The next afternoon finds you and Grayson in his car, munching on a lunch of Monty’s and sitting in otherwise companionable silence as Cudi’s album plays quietly from the speakers.

You had slept like a rock the night before. The heat from Grayson’s body in his almost too-comfy bed beneath the fluffy comforter, with his arm slung around your waist to keep you close to him all night, had lulled you off to sleep faster than you can ever remember having done before.

The orgasm might have helped, too. But it was him that had kept you safe and cozy and warm enough to wake up feeling like a new woman.

Enough so that you let him coax you awake in the middle of the sunrise this morning, his eyes puffy but cheeks full as he grinned down at you sleepily and pushed a rogue chunk of hair out of your face. That gruff morning voice convinced you to do the unthinkable — leave the bed and go on a morning jog with him.

“Fine,” you had grumbled, not sounding nearly as sexy as him with your raspy, unused voice. “But you owe me.”

Grayson chuckled, and you felt the dip in the mattress as he stood up and stretched. “Owe you what?”

You cracked an eye open and watched him, the thick muscles all over his body elongating as he lifted his arms over his head with a big yawn. He’s just wearing his underwear, and you’re suddenly very conscious of the fact that you’re similarly dressed in a pair of his boxers and his hoodie he had given you after... everything.

He says your name, and your eyes zip to his handsome face; away from where they had been admiring the perfect curve of his ass in those skin-tight briefs.

“Huh?”

He’s full-on smirking at you, and frustratingly you can feel the flush creep into your cheeks despite yourself. You groan and bury your face in the pillow. “Shut up.”

To your surprise, the bed shifts again as he climbs back onto it on his knees. You turn your head just in time for him to dip down and press his lips to your temple gently.

“I said you can tell me what I owe you after we’re done with our run.” He yanks the covers back, and your disapproving whine turns into a giggly yelp when he smacks your ass lightly. “Chop chop, little onion. Let’s go.”

The run wasn’t bad, even though you had to borrow a pair of shorts and some tennis shoes that were a half size too small for you from Kristina. He let you pick the playlist to play through the speaker on his phone, and you actually enjoyed the rush of crisp morning air around you. But after putting you through a watered-down version of his calisthenics workout after the run, you decided that what he owed you was a nice, juicy vegan burger to replenish yourselves.

“You know what I just realized?”

You’re halfway through sucking a big bite of ice cream off your spoon when he breaks the comfortable quiet between you. Your brows raise in question, and he casually throws another fry into his mouth before continuing, eyeing you through the side of his sunglasses.

“After all we’ve done lately... we’ve never even kissed.”

That throws you for a loop. Your gaze drifts unseeing out the windshield as you consider his observation. Now that you think about it, you can’t recall that happening, either.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” you say, pulling the now-clean spoon out of your mouth. You scoop a bit of whipped cream onto it, and slip it in again as you look up at him with a smirk. “At least, not on the lips.”

He gives a little huff of laughter through his nose, accepting the bite of ice cream you offer him. There’s a brief moment of silence as he sits back in his seat a bit and swallows. “We should change that.”

You’re hunting through the cup of milkshake to find the perfect chunk of Oreo when he says it, and you jerk your head in surprise. “Oh.. yeah?”

Grayson nods and smiles. “Yeah.”

You swallow. Why are you suddenly so nervous? “Now?”

He shrugs. “Now. Later. Doesn’t matter. I just think we should.”

“Why?”

What a dumb question, you tell yourself, mentally giving yourself a face-palm. Grayson seems unfazed by it, though, and just keeps looking at you softly as he sucks a bit of salt off his thumb before crumpling up his napkin and stuffing it in the paper bag.

“Just doesn’t sit right with me that I’ve licked your pussy and not — well, your other lips.”

“Grayson!” He’s unbelievable, saying stuff like that so casually. You reach for his tea and take a big chug, feeling your face heat up while he laughs heartily.

“What? It’s true!” He snatches the drink back and takes his own sip, pushing his sunglasses to the top of his head. “Are you forgetting that the first time I saw you naked was when you masturbated for me? Don’t get shy on me now, babe.”

You pout at him, annoyed,because he’s right. You don’t even have an explanation for why you’re being like this; one of the reasons you and Gray always got on so well from the beginning is because you had basically no filter with each other, both comfortable with talking about everything from bathroom habits to hookups. But there’s a level of intimacy you now share with him that does, indeed, have you... well, shy. Anxious.

Excited.

Grayson must sense a shift in your energy, or maybe he just notices the way your eyes suddenly can’t stay off his lips, try as they might. He sits the drink in the cup holder, and you both subconsciously shift in your seats to face each other better. His hand reaches out and cups your cheek, his long fingers curling around your jaw and into your hair, his thumb brushing your lower lip gently.

His hazel eyes dart to your mouth, then back to your eyes, and there’s a mutual movement the both of you make toward one another, so that neither could claim or decide who moved first. But suddenly his lips are planted softly on yours — much softer than you would have anticipated for Grayson to be. They’re firm for a second as you both process the moment, but it’s definitely you who quickly lets out a little gasp and shifts just enough so his full bottom lip gets trapped between yours.

His breath is warm as it escapes through his nose, and there’s pure electricity when he pulls you closer with that hand on your face that slides to the back of your neck. Your own hand clutches at his arm as the other uses the console for leverage to push yourself towards him, too, all while you take turns sucking and nipping each other’s lips.

Your mouths are slippery when you finally part for breath, however much later that is. You both sit back in your respective seats, chests heaving a bit as you smile to yourselves and consider how amazing that first kiss was.

“Gray?”

He looks at you, brow raised but swollen lips lifted.

“I don’t want to stop.”

Grayson’s eyes darken, heat smoldering in his gaze as he lets out a deep breath, reaching for your hand. “Fuck. C’mere, please.”

You shake your head, even though your body is screaming to give in to his request and scramble into his lap. “Too busy outside,” you point out, nodding to the hustle and bustle of LA right outside the window.

Grayson sighs again and interlaces your fingers together. “Buckle up, then. Let’s go home.”

He doesn’t have to tell you twice, and before you know it he’s putting the car in drive and taking off down the road.

“Too bad we’re not in the Tesla,” you say slyly, unlocking your hand from his so you can rub your palm across his lap. You grin when you feel the start of his erection beneath the thin shorts he’s wearing.

“God...” Grayson takes your hand again and kisses the back of it before tangling you’re fingers again and holding them together over the gearshift. “Next time, baby, next time.”

Your heart thrills at the thought of a ‘next time,’ but for now you concentrate on making it home for this time.

By some kind of miracle, there’s hardly any traffic on the way back to the house. The air is electric between you the whole time, and Grayson barely has the car in park once the gate is shut and you’re in the driveway before he’s unbuckling and throwing himself at you.

You welcome his kiss with a moan, sliding your fingers through his thick hair as you welcome his invading tongue past your lips. It slides against yours with practiced ease that has you positively melting into your seat — which you’re made aware you’re still trapped in by the locking of the seatbelt when you try to lunge at him to get even closer.

Grayson grunts, and presses the little red button for you as he rips his mouth away, then leans across your body with his eyes locked on yours the whole time to open the passenger door.

No words are needed; the look you two share does enough talking. You both scramble out of the car, holding hands as soon as you meet again. Grayson leads you to the front door as you hurry behind him, and you follow him past the threshold closely. Luckily, there’s no one between you and his room to stop and ask questions or pass judgments, and the click of his bedroom door is the final barrier you need before you’re on each other like wild rabbits.

You reach hastily for each other’s tops right at the same time, and you both smile quickly. He lets you go first, raising his arms above his head so you can whip his t-shirt off with relative ease, even though you have to go on your tip-toes. You barely get the chance to admire all those smooth muscles before you’re blinded by the fabric of your own shirt.

“I’ve wanted this for so fucking long,” Grayson says lowly, admiring your tits in your sports bra for a second before he’s removing that, too. You smile shyly and help him rid you of the constricting garment, throwing it across the room once it’s cleared your head.

“Me too.” He’s pulling out your ponytail next, letting your hair cascade around your shoulders freely. You step back and kick your shoes off while he does the same, tugging off your shorts and underwear as well before jumping back into his arms once you’re both naked.

Grayson groans and hoists you up, and your legs lock around his waist as his lips find your neck. His dick, already completely hard, gets trapped between your hips and his belly, and you rock into it slowly. You sigh with modicum of relief it brings, and your eyes roll back when he bites down at the junction of your shoulder. You thread your fingers tightly into the hair at the back of his head to hold him there. “Fuck... Gray..”

He grunts in response, turning to walk you to the unmade bed you had both vacated just that morning. You cling to him as he lays you down, unwilling to let him go far even though he’s quite literally completely on top of you. He puts enough space between your torsos so he has room to gaze down at you beneath him. Hair fanned out on the pillow, dark red marks already rising to the surface of your skin, breasts full and heaving.

“So beautiful,” he says, sliding a hand up your side, stopping to squeeze your waist, which makes you squirm, before cupping one of your breasts in that calloused palm.

He’s the beautiful one, really. His eyes are soft and sweet, glowing a certain shade of green you’ve only seen a couple of times by now. His muscles bulge, his lips extra pink and puffy. His dick stands tall and thick between you.

He’s almost too much, too perfect. But you can’t let this go any further without making sure he knows what you really want of him, more than anything.

“Gray,” you say his name again, getting his full attention. You grin demurely up at him, and reluctantly take his hand away from where he’s squeezing your tit pleasurably. Eyes locked on his, you kiss his warm palm before murmuring. “I don’t want to stop.”

He looks a little confused, and his thumb strokes your cheekbone slowly. “I know, baby. Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

You nod, taking a deep breath. “Yeah. But I just — I don’t want to stop ever. I want to be able to have you all the time. Whenever.”

Grayson keeps staring down at you, and you blush furiously even as a smile breaks across his handsome features. “Are you saying you want to be together? Like for real?”

You sigh in relief, and hold his hand still so you can nuzzle your cheek against it. “Yeah. I - you know I suck at words.”

Grayson chuckles and lowers down to his elbows, his mouth so close to yours you can feel his sweet breath against your lips. “I do. It’s fucking adorable.”

Your smile turns wider for a second, but in the next you bite your lip and you wrap your arms around his neck to keep him exactly where he his. Your fingers dip down to blindly trace the lion tattoo on his sinewy back. “Do you - I mean, do you want the same?”

His expression softens, and he stares down at you for a moment before answering you with a gentle kiss.

“Absolutely,” he mumbles against your lips. “Didn’t I just tell you: I’ve wanted it for a long time now.”

“Let’s not waste any more, then,” you whisper heatedly, the drive to become completely consumed by him glaring up in your chest, your belly, your pussy once more.

Grayson seems to be on the same page, because the kiss he meets you with this time is hot and heavy and has you grinding into each other with thick moans and hands all over one another.

You wiggle your hand in the minute space between your bodies to grasp his dick, which is already slick from your juices. You watch his face as you give him slow, steady pumps, swirling the precum around his slit and twisting your fist at the head.

“Want this dick inside me,” you whisper, a fierce edge to your voice that has him biting his lip with a groan and his hips thrusting hard into your hand.

He shakes his head, whether in disbelief or an answer to your demand, you’re not sure. “Lemme eat your pussy again.”

Any other time, you would already be pushing on those broad shoulders, but not now. “The last couple weeks have been enough foreplay, I think. I want all of you, right now.”

He stares deeply into your eyes, as if he’s checking to make sure you’re sure, and you nod at him.

Grayson sighs and slips his hand down to join yours, wrapping around your slimmer one to guide him inside you together. You both inhale sharply, and let go of his cock as he sinks deeper, eyes locked once again while he slides home.

“God... damn,” he whispers harshly, tucking his hand behind your neck and dragging you up the short distance to meet his mouth.

You whine in return against his lips and hitch your knees higher up his waist, rubbing his back comfortingly as you both acclimate to him being inside you for the first time. He’s already stretching you out better than anyone has before, made even more intense by the fact that it’s Grayson in you, on you, around you.

“Fuck me, baby,” you beg sweetly, the pet name slipping past your lips with surprising ease.

You nip and suckle his earlobe, moaning loudly when he obeys and pulls out almost completely before pushing back in to the hilt slowly.

Grayson builds a rhythm like that, steady and perfect as he follows your cues to give you exactly what you want. When you whimper for him to fuck you harder, he sits up just enough to hook your knees over his elbows, then leans down over your body once again to thrust into you with an even better angle with better leverage.

“You want it like that?” he asks shakily, his voice gruff and full of sex as he pumps in and out of your pussy with dangerously smooth, even strokes that have you crying out his name in answer. Your hands claw at his thick, round shoulders, nails digging into the snake head and the bird feathers inked into his golden skin “Fuck, your pussy feels so fucking good. So fuckin wet, baby.”

You force your eyes open and stare at his flushed face, admiring the sweat clinging to his chest and brow and the way his chain dangles between you. One of your hands leaves his shoulder and hooks a finger into the silver, using it to tug him down for a deep, wet kiss that has your toes curling in the air.

The angle change has you gasping against his mouth, your lips dropping open against his as you tell him desperately, “Right there, right there...” and slide your hand between your bodies to rub the perfect slow circles on your clit.

He must feel you getting tighter around him, because he groans into your open mouth, sliding his tongue inside to meet yours sloppily. “Oh my god, baby, you gonna cum? Huh?”

You let your loud, breathy cries be his answer, until your moaning out his name as you clamp vice-like around his dick.

Grayson’s hand knocks yours out of the way when he feels it falter, and he takes over for you so you can ride out the bliss without distractions. He slows his thrusts inside you, until your breath has calmed down some and the flutters of your pussy fade away.

You open your eyes to find him enthralled by your blissful features, and smile up at him tiredly. Grayson lets your legs fall from his arms, and you wrap them instead around his waist, your hands finding the sweaty planes of his back. “Holy shit...”

“Yeah?” Grayson smirks down at you. His hands find your breasts and squeeze them, his thumbs rubbing your nipples, before letting one hand travel up to your jaw. He slips his thumb past your lips, letting you suck on it with pure seduction in your eyes as your hips twitch beneath his.

“Your turn,” you murmur, arching your back when he sits up to his knees and takes hold of your waist. You thrust your arms beneath your pillow, letting your tits bounce enticingly with every hard thrust he gives you in search of his own release. His eyes flit impatiently between where his glistening cock is disappearing over and over inside your swollen pussy, to your chest, to your pretty face begging him with both eyes and quiet whispers to let you have it.

It doesn’t take long for him to let out a guttural growl and pull out quickly, jerking off over your stomach as he shoots ropes up your torso. You hum contently and take over for him, thoroughly enjoying the warm liquid white streaking up your skin as you watch him fall apart.

Grayson collapses next to you weakly, chest heaving as he comes back down to earth. You grin and slide over to snuggle up to him, kissing his pec when he throws a heavy arm over your shoulders to hold you there as best he can in the moment.

You give him the time he needs, until he’s turning his head and coaxing your lips to his. You indulge him for a moment, then pull away with a low hum.

“We should shower,” you suggest with a happy sigh. You look down at your tummy and breasts, chuckling. “Your cum kind of got everywhere.”

Grayson laughs. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

You smirk and grab his hand, using his own finger to collect a streak that’s managed to stay almost completely on your skin, scooping it up and sucking it into your mouth with your eyes on his. You give him a wink.

“Won’t be the last, either.”

[faithinlouisfuture]

Thank you for tagging me @louehvolution @longhairedlouist91 @berlinini & @icarusfallsforwalls 🤍

End of the Year This or That - Louis Version

Just Hold On or Don't Let It Break Your Heart : The simple message in this track is so eloquently worded that it’s bound to fill the most downhearted with at least a shred of hope which can then grow to the strength needed to overcome whatever heartbreak/obstacle that’s got you down. The absolutely smashing instrumentality is a definite bonus!

Back To You or Miss You : This one was hard to choose not gonna lie. I love them both! I think the only reason I chose BTY over MY my beloved (with peaky louis yumminess) is that on a personal level I can relate to it. Been there, in that toxic AF place where you stress me out you kill me you drag me down you fuck me up but my shit brain forgets all of that after two laughs I have with you, and we’re back to square one. Here we go again. (Gladly out of it now). I have to say I’m dying to hear Miss You live though!

Just Like You or Only The Brave : Choosing JLY over OTB feels a little bit like sinning because of the absolute iconic nature of OTB on a level that I can’t even begin to put into words. BUT hear me out, Just Like You - she’s so damn multilayered my mind is blown! The lyrics and message of course, but the music video made me ASCEND! There could be an entire two hour long documentary based off of just that one music video and the hundreds of different issues that have been highlighted in there! It’s pure pure genius, there’s no other word for it.

Fearless or Defenceless : My most played track according to my Spotify wrapped and for good reason. It’s the closest thing to a beautifully crafted diss track on that whole album. It’s out for blood. It’s saying fuck you without saying fuck you. It’s showing you the mirror. It’s showing you your painted picture of filth, rotting and decay when you thought you were immortal and above it all (Dorian Gray ref in case that wasn’t clear). It’s beyond beautiful! And he sounds ethereal on it!

Always You or Habit : The way this absolute bop could have been the summer anthem of 2020 had it been marketed properly and given the air time that it deserved! He sings it so well live too, I can totally imagine it killing it at festivals oh so well.

Too Young or We Made It : The message of hope after continued struggle is so strong in this one. I really really hope that he feels this in his core, he HAS made it, we have made it, despite every single reason and obstacle put in his path not to.

Kill My Mind or Walls : KMM my most beloved, my jam, my go to, my life’s theme song if I had to choose one! It’s the kind of music I NEED more of from him, the sound is right up my alley and the imagery is like my entire own personal brand. I resonate with it on another level! Can I please mention here that regarding Walls (which I also absolutely adore) turning the words “for every question why you were my because” which probably wasn’t written as a very positive lyric according to my own personal interpretation of the song, taking that and turning it into the absolute positivity of louies shouting that lyric to Louis and pointing at him whenever he performs it live and making it a positive for him, gives me absolute life. It’s what he’s earned!

Perfect Now or Two of Us : She’s beautiful. She’s heartfelt. She brings me to tears almost every time. And I’m so proud of him to be able to put all of that heartache in a song, with such beautiful words and imagery and promises to his future and past self.

Copy of a Copy of a Copy or Change : Once again, it’s iconic. It’s iconic not only because of the absolute brilliance of the lyrics or the absolute brilliance of HOW AMAZING he sounds on the Live from London version (it could literally be a studio version if it wanted, it’s that flawless), but mostly cuz it can be interpreted in so many different ways, every individual with their own individual issues can take solace from it. You’re not the only one. You’re not the first or last. This too shall pass. It’s been this way for ages. You’ll get through it. You’ll make it out.

Beautiful War or 7 : 7 is beautiful with such a power packed message BUTTTT Beautiful War you guys! Could anyone in their right mind have ever even imagined that there could be a version more beautiful and pure than the original by KOL? No not at all. But that’s the magic of Louis. He sings it like he OWNS that song. Like it’s not meant to be sung any other way than the way he does it. In love!

Drag Me Down or Through The Dark or Little Black Dress : Especially the punk ass way he did it during LFL! It was such a momentTM. Iconic. (I know I’ve used that word to death by now but I can’t find any other words that do justice to the way this man makes music and does all things)!

Live From London or Away From Home Festival : This is too hard! I’m not picking one. I absolutely love both for different reasons! LT Live from London was a day of hope in a time when EVERYONE needed at least a shred! Something anything to hold on to. And boy did he deliver! The entire set was so flawlessly performed that in my opinion it could have literally been studio versions of all those songs. He sounded absolutely amazing. And then fast forward to AFHF and that man somehow manages to sound even more beautiful! Not somehow, we know how! He showed us how, constant persistence, constant hard work, constantly working to better something that most of us felt was already flawless. Can’t even manage to put into words the pride that documentary made me feel for him. And then to top it all off the way that louies were able to interact with him! And him with them! You could just tell it made his heart swell with pride and gave him that feeling of sprouting wings, he felt like a god on that stage, as he should! And I cannot wait for him to feel that way every single night on tour! (take a shot for every time I’ve used an exclamation mark in this paragraph and you’ve got yourself a NYE drinking game)

As usual I’ve rambled on for ages on each of these. Once you get me started I don’t shut up. I can’t contain my fond & pride for this man and his music and his journey. So if you read through all of that, thank you 🤍

I think all my mutuals have already been tagged cuz I’m pretty late to the party tonight, but I'm tagging @quetzal-28 @itsallaboutzayn @polaroidplanets @dreamersdivingheadfirst @a-kiss-is-not-a-promise @louis-the-eternity and anyone else who wants to participate 🤍

[witteksaga]

Someday - Jeff Wittek one shot

in which you meet Jeff’s family and he realises he wants to spend his whole life with you

“Hurry babe, we need to get going!” Jeff yelled from the car as he put the last of the luggage in the trunk.

“I’m coming, stop rushing me.” You said as you took one last look at yourself in the mirror. You took a deep breath and headed out to the car.

You and Jeff had been together for almost half a year. You two had an amazing understanding for each other’s inner thoughts and feelings. Sometimes only a look was enough and you just knew what was on his mind. You especially cherished that since your last relationship had drained you in every way possible. Jeff was a breath of fresh air, he filled your lungs and your heart was so full because of him, and mostly for him.

You got in the car and tried to hide your nervous breathing by avoiding Jeff’s gaze as you tried to focus on the road. You were on the way to the airport to spend the Christmas holidays with Jeff’s family in New York. This would be your first time meeting them - and to say that the anxiety had taken over you was an understatement. You really wanted to get along with them - you knew just how important family was for Jeff and you wanted to make a good impression. You both were quiet on the drive there, only your hands clasped together with his thumb lightly stroking your hand. With this man by your side, you would be fine, that’s what you kept repeating in your mind.

Once you got to the airport you were running a bit late since Jeff had a hard time finding a parking spot for the truck. You had a few bags each, now running to make your way to the terminal on time.

“Come on babe, we’re almost there!” Jeff nearly yelled as he grabbed your hand and left you with no choice but to keep up with his fast pace.

“Jesus, a missed flight is all we need right now.” You said as you barely took a breath in. Luckily you managed to get to the gate on time and the trip was now very much real and happening.

“They’ll love you, you know. No need to worry about that.” Jeff said as you finally sat in your seats and made yourself as comfortable as you could for the long flight ahead of you.

“I sure hope you’re right. I don’t always manage to make a good first impression.” You said as you put your head on his shoulder, already too tired.

“That’s not true, I liked you from the second I saw you.”

“That’s not the same, you know that. What if your sister doesn’t like me? She could kick my ass in a heartbeat.”

Jeff laughed as he said “She could kick my ass if she wanted to. Stop it babe, everything is okay, you’re overthinking. Besides, all my nieces will be there, you’ll meet them too, you love kids and they are literally the cutest little savages.”

You smiled and tried to calm your nerves. You were always a realist and you knew that as long Jeff was by your side all would be fine in the world.

“I can’t wait for your mom to whip out the family albums tho. I really want to see your baby face. And the teen stage of course.” You nudged his side lightly.

“My baby photos are cute, but I’ll be dead before I let her find these pre-puberty albums.” He laughed as he kissed your cheek.

—

Once you arrived at Jeff’s house the whole family was waiting for you at the door with his mom standing in front, evidently excited to see you two. She straight up went to hug you first, ignoring her own son for a second.

“I’m so pleased to meet you y/n, we’ve waited quite a bit for Jeffrey to finally bring you home with him.” She said as she released her hold of you, smiling with the warmest smile.

“I’m very excited to meet you too, I’ve heard only the best things.”

His whole family had his attention to you but in the nicest and not invasive way possible. You were so relieved since you always managed to have the worst scenario prepared in your head. You all exchanged presents early and spent the whole evening laughing at stories from Jeff’s crazy childhood and teen years. You loved how laid back they all were and how they were just happy they got to be together for the holidays.

You were on your way to the bathroom when Jeff appeared from one of the rooms down the hall and just as quickly grabbed your hand and pulled you inside. Both his hands were quick to find their way to your face while his body pressed you all the way back to the door. He wasted no time in kissing you, only his smile breaking your lips apart. He was always stealing kisses like that and you adored that about him. He expressed his love in a physical way, wether his hand would always be holding yours or the long nights you two spent with him fucking you into oblivion. You hoped and prayed that this kind of dynamic won’t go away with time because your heart still fluttered when you saw his name on your phone calling you, or whenever he took your breath away with kisses like that.

“I told you they’ll love you. See there wasn’t anything to worry about?” He said as he smiled down at you, still holding you between him and the door, your hands wrapped around his neck.

“I love them too, I see why you are the man you are now.”

“Aw, babe, that took a lot of time and effort. But you made me the best possible version of myself.” You two quickly separated from your embrace as you heard Maria’s voice calling you two.

“I brought you some blankets in case you get cold. Y/n, you have your new Christmas pyjamas, both of you put them on and come to take pictures.” With that she left the room and let you two alone to get changed. The pyjamas they got you were long sleeved with a giant deer in front. Jeff got one with Santa. You took lots and lots of photos, the kids were of course the most excited and couldn’t stay still for most of the time, but you managed to get a few good ones. You were very flattered to be in the family photo.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” Jeff whispered in your ear as he saw you yawning. He took your hand and led you the way. Once you got your makeup off and got under the covers Jeff was already waiting for you with open arms. He kissed your cheek lightly while turning on his side to look at you properly, his hands wrapped around your waist.

“Thanks for tonight. I know you were nervous to come but I’m so glad you did.” He said as he looked at you with the most content look.

“I’m glad too baby, thank you for bringing me.” You said as you pecked his lips.

“You know, today when I looked at you interacting with everybody, I realised something .” He said quietly in between slow kisses.

“Yeah, what?” You smiled as you looked at him.

“I’ll marry you someday, baby.”

You couldn’t quite comprehend what he had just told you, you were always the biggest romantic at heart and whenever Jeff said something like this it made you so happy, you wondered how your life has lead you to meet your perfect half. You didn’t want to get too emotional, so instead of an answer, you just smiled and kissed him with all the love you felt.

“I will tho. I’m serious.”

Yup. He really was.

[lochsides]

You Signed Up For This Review

If you're following me, you really did sign up for this review. I love that the title of this album lends itself to so many puns. Maybe that was the second indication that I would adore this album (the first being that its a Maisie Peters album). God, where do I even begin to review the pop mastery that is YSUFT? The album is both cohesive and chaotic in the best way possible. Maisie is one of those songwriters who approaches writing with quick wit and personality. That’s my biggest takeaway from this album. YSUFT has so much personality. It is very authentic while being refreshing. I’m so glad it finally here, to be consumed in all its glory. She really hit it out of the park and it was well worth the wait. There is not a single skip.

For those of you interested, below the cut you will find a review for each song. My favourites are 'I'm Trying (Not Friends)', ‘Love Him, I Don’t’, ‘Hollow’, ‘Villain’, ‘Brooklyn’, ‘Elvis Song’ and ‘Volcano’ — yes I know that’s half the album. This is my review and I make the rules. I've also included a little ranking at the very end.

You Signed Up For This — This song has so much main character energy. My favourite thing about Maisie as a songwriter is that her songwriting has a sense of humour to it. This song says so much in 3 minutes and 15 seconds. Its the perfect album opener, particularly for a debut album, but it's also a really good introduction to Maisie Peters for new listeners and old fans alike.

I'm Trying (Not Friends) — I can't decide what my favourite part of this song is: her sharp, witty songwriting or the cadence. This is what I mean when I say that the album is authentic while being refreshing. The cadence is unlike anything I’ve heard before, especially from Maisie, but the passive- aggressive lyrics are so Maisie. She has always had this unvarnished honesty to her songwriting that I really appreciate about her.

John Hughes Movie — Pop perfection! That's it, that's the review. I love the message of this song. It has a sense of self-worth and confidence despite being let down. And when I tell you I adore the fuck out of the bridge of 'JHM', it's an understatement. It was actually the perfect lead single for an album with so much main character energy.

Outdoor Pool — 'Outdoor Pool' is basically Fifteen (Maisie’s Version), when all you wanted was to be wanted. She really captured that in this song. I felt so sad listening to it because 15 really is such a delicate age. The music and production felt very cinematic to me and that really brought to life this story that she was telling. It really is almost Skins. I have so much affection for this song in like a big sister way.

Love Him, I Don't — Ooft, this song hurt my feelings. The production at the start with her ‘ooh’s was already chilling but then she hit me with ‘I wasn’t eating and you still said nothing’ and ‘guess that was my stubborn season’ and took me out. ‘Love Him, I Don’t’ is a song about toxicity and I’ve been there. I have friends who have been there. The lyric ‘what a waste of your twenties’ reminded me of a relationship my best friend was in. There are so many little details in this song that make it so relatable in a way the hurts. I love the melody of the pre-chorus and chorus, and then she goes and strips it back in the last verse. The whole song is a 5-star experience. It's so raw and the emotion in her vocal takes it to another level.

Psycho — Maisie Peters said feral girl summer and make it catchy. There are two bridges in this song. That should be enough to sell me, but she had to go and write ‘you made me feel so useful then so used.’ All in all though, ‘Psycho’ is probably my least favourite and that’s only because there are so many good songs on this album that outrank this.

Boy — I’m joining Maisie Peters’ fight to take away men’s rights because valid. It’s funny because I can hear Ed Sheeran’s writing in this song, mostly in the production. I love the tone throughout this song, but specifically when she says 'I can tell that you've never been hugged, boy.' It's sassy as fuck and I love that for her. My favourite aspect of 'Boy' is that the catchiest part, the one that is most likely to get stuck in our heads. is 'I can do better than this' and that feels very intentional, like a little message from Maisie reminding us that we can do better than The Boy ™️.

Hollow — 'Hollow' is such a good heartbreak ballad. It has all the makings of a great classic pop ballad, from the piano to the production to the poetic lyrics. Was it fair of her to put the lyrics 'now I'm a comma in your explanation of your learning curves and your mistakes' in the same song, in the same verse, as 'you're the one that got away and you got away with a lot' and then follow it up with a bridge of memories and 'I just miss my friend'? Let's discuss. I think the reason I, personally, love this song so much is the lyrical links to other songs like 'Villain' ('now you're kissing that girl I shouldn't worry about'), 'Volcano' ('you got away with it') and 'Tough Act' ('saying goodbye to a best friend' / 'drain it all 'til its all so hollow'). I love it when there are layers to a story.

Villain — I’ve had the hook of ‘Villain’ stuck in my head all morning. The way she explores rage in this song as something bitter that we all swallow but it burns the whole way down our throats, that dichotomy being explored through the subtlety of the production and the feral lyrics, is absolute genius. The song is told through the perspective of someone that feels wronged but they are still the villain of someone else's story and that's something I can personally relate to. I love how much angst is in the bridge, aided by the build up in the production, as she sings 'whole town's gonna hear how you messed me up.' Truly excellent songwriting.

Brooklyn — I think Maisie absolutely shines when writing songs about her sister. 'Personal Best' is my most played song on Apple Music, ever. 'Brooklyn' is almost like a continuation of that, or a deeper dive into her relationship with her sister. The storytelling aspect of this song feels very organic, like a friend telling you all about the adventure of their transatlantic trip over a cup of coffee. And the production is chef's kiss.

Elvis Song — I think this song is the one I connect with the most. The nostalgia factor always gets me and that's what this entire song is. Is the whole second verse a callout? Maybe. It's fine. If I end up calling the person this song makes me think about, it's Maisie's fault. My favourite lyric is 'I was scared to throw my heart off the edge, easier to tell myself we'd mess it up instead, so I left.' That line reads me, but it also captures the tone of regret that comes with reflection on something that ended. The production of 'Elvis Song' gives me old-flame montage vibes. I think it's the perfect candidate for an end-of-summer single.

Talking To Strangers — 'Talking To Strangers' is such a cute song. The whole concept of random people knowing such minute details about your life, that maybe even the people in your life would overlook, just because this one person that loves you so much can't help but tell everyone they meet about you is so fucking romantic. This is such a romantic song. It is 'this made me think of you' in a song except instead of telling the person you think of, you're telling literally everyone that it made you think of them.

Volcano — 'Volcano' is very reminiscent of Maisie's musical roots, which is why this song is one of my favourites. The lyrics are an actual gut punch and her vocal delivery only makes it hit harder. I think the lines that really get me each time are 'in the silence when you stood there, you just stood there' and the bits in the chorus where she sings 'and your friends said nothing' or 'and the world said nothing.' When you're in a situation that can be toxic, it fucking hurts when no one says anything. Then you look back on it and wonder 'why did no one stop you from absolutely breaking me?'

Tough Act — I think many of the songs on YUSFT accumulate to 'Tough Act' and placing it as the album closer makes so much sense in terms of closure from a lot of these stories that Maisie has shared with us. 'Tough Act' is acknowledgement and growth. I think this is best described in the lyric 'I got busy and you forgot how to miss me when I'm not much of who you grew up with.' She has come to terms with the fact that things have changed and this break up is just 'the bad part of the right thing to do.' The melody of this song is so beautiful and it's only heightened when those strings come in under the piano. Maisie's lovely vocals are the cherry on top.

Ranking the songs on this album was so difficult because each one is so outstanding. I think YSUFT is honestly one of the best pop debuts in recent history. She absolutely nailed it.

Love Him, I Don't

Volcano

Villain

I'm Trying (Not Friends)

Elvis Song

Hollow

Brooklyn

Outdoor Pool

Tough Act

You Signed Up For This

Talking To Strangers

John Hughes Movie

Boy

Psycho

[luminecho]

Hello Echo, question. Do you still have Four brainrot? Follow up question. Do you have any songs that you associate with Four? Thanks bestie <3

Answer 1: Steel, I ALWAYS have Four brainrot <3

Answer 2: I am literally SO FUCKING GLAD you asked, you have no idea how excited I got seeing this holy shit. HELL YEAH I do!! Take a few songs from my playlist

If I include more than 3 Sleeping At Last, Of Monsters And Men, or The Oh Hellos songs on any given playlist or list of songs you may be entitled to financial compensatio-- *looks at this list* oh whoops

1) Crystals - Of Monsters And Men - this might as well be Four’s theme song for all I associate it with him. It’s so good. So so so good.

2) Call Them Brothers - Regina Spektor - Obligatory Call Them Brothers mention. This is not original at all I've seen so many other people talk about this song with Four and-- yeah they're right this song is about Four JKHEHBFDEKF.

3) Bad Blood - Sleeping At Last - I'm biased. If you know me then expect way too many SAL songs from me in any list of songs ever because I will never shut up about SAL and they have a lot of songs I like. So there's 4 SAL songs on this list, deal with it jhkwewjkwjkfh. Anyway Bad Blood gives me so many Four feels. 11/10

3) Soap - The Oh Hellos - THIS SONNGG. Ouugghh. I could probably dissect this song if I wanted to go over every little thing in it that makes me think of Four & why but I already exhausted my song infodumping capacity on the last song on this list so perhaps some other time HDEGJDDEKF. Just. The vibes AND the lyrics. Mannn

4) Forgive Me Friend - Smith & Thell - I have both the original and the acoustic version saved to my Four playlist because I really like both versions hwdfjefke but. There's so many ways this song could be interpreted w/ Four and tbh I'm just gonna leave it up to everyone else because every time I listen to it I think of something else lol.

5) Meteor Shower - Cavetown - I don't have much to say about this one other than thinking about this song gives me a LOT of emotions jhqkdhwbefjk. Just,,, it has a lot of self-acceptance vibes to me when I listen to it in this context and I think I'm drawing those comfort vibes from the melody? Idk but they're there for me lol

6) Glitter & Gold - Barns Courtney - Someone did a mini AMV to this song w/ Four a while back for the LU zine and I've associated the song with him ever since hwdkjgefhkfev. I like the vibes. Reminds me of the forge.

7) Lakehouse - Of Monsters And Men - Idk what it is about this song. It has a mix of homesickness feels and storytelling feels and something about that makes me think of Four. Also there's a line about breaking trust in here somewhere heehee hoohoo Vio go brr.

8) I Dare You - Bea Miller - my brain can't decide if I actually like this song or not for some reason buuuut it has big Four vibes regardless lmao. Mostly in the lyrics. Definitely in the lyrics

9) No Light, No Light - Florence + The Machine - based more off the vibes of the song than the lyrics. i don't really have an explanation for this one, it's just always given me Four vibes for no reason hdwkjfgeh. Shadow too. I have it one both playlists

10) I Have Made Mistakes - The Oh Hellos - probably self-indulgent but this one has the self-acceptance and self-forgiveness vibes than go hand and hand with Four as a character so <3

11) From The Ground Up - Sleeping At Last - something about the line "in an effort to remember what being mended feels like" shakes me to my core. Am I allowed to slap the "self-acceptance" label on this song and call it a day? Cause,,, yeah the self love in this song. Ough. Also the themes of growth and being somewhere that's truly home.

12) Overture III / Awake - Sleeping At Last - Bestie this one's so self-indulgent. This song is pretty new and when I tell you that I latched onto it the DAY I first heard it FTHDGHWJKEFG. I connect so deeply with this song and I can and will project every emotion I experience ever onto Four which means he gets this song too. <3 Also it once again has themes of self-acceptance

13) September 15, 2017: Cassini - The Grand Finale - Sleeping At Last - OH MY GOD *VIBRATES INTO THE FIFTH DIMENSION*

Alright alright alright. Listen. This song is entirely instrumental. So why do I associate it with Four, you may ask?

WELLLLLLLL.

First of all, happy anniversary to the event this song was written about! Or-- well, it was the anniversary when this ask was sent djwhfkhjdewjhke. I took a while to answer it. BUT still. Happy anniversary!

Second of all, strap in cause I’m about to infodump the hell out of this song on my way to explaining my reasoning behind why I associate it with Four. It might seem irrelevant at first but trust me, I’ll get there.

(All the stuff I mention here is all explained in a much better fashion by the artist behind Sleeping At Last on his podcast episode about the song here. I'd absolutely recommend giving it a listen if you're interested!)

Cassini was written about a satellite with the same name that was built with the intention of exploring Saturn. On September 15, 2017, its journey was complete and its course was set to crash into Saturn in a brilliant grand finale. Hence the name of the song.

This song is a medley of four of Sleeping At Last’s songs, written as a mirror of the exact flight path of the Cassini satellite. (SAL has songs about each of the 9 planets + our moon.)

The song starts and ends with Saturn. The beginning is a chorus singing the tune of SAL's "Saturn" and the ending is that the song on the "Astronomy, Vol. 1" album leads straight into SAL’s "Saturn" to symbolize Cassini crashing into the planet. Cool, right?

After the opening the song crescendos with SAL’s "Earth" to represent Cassini’s launch. Cassini passed by Venus twice in its flight, so the part of the song immediately after that is from SAL's "Venus". The next part of the song (and ofc the next part of Cassini’s flight) is Jupiter! It’s very faint and distant since Cassini only passed by the planet. Aaand then finally it reaches Saturn.

Now what does any of this have to do with Four?

Welllllll, it's all a bit of a stretch but LET ME HAVE THIS hdgjhkjdwef.

I mentioned that Cassini is a medley of 4 different SAL songs.

Venus could easily be associated with Red! It’s a love song and love of course comes from the heart and all that. But it’s also a song that reflects wonder and awe and I feel like that’s a very Red feeling.

Jupiter is a song I associate a lot with Green, not only because of the song itself but also because of the planet and Green’s wind element. Jupiter is well-known for its storms! So it seems fitting for Green. Jupiter is one of the songs I have on my separate playlist for Green too. It has vibes of instinct and wanting to make things count and make a difference which I feel like fits him.

I feel like Saturn and Earth are interchangeable with Blue and Vio. I’d probably tentatively assign Blue to Earth and Vio to Saturn for now despite Earth being Vio’s element and me generally associating that song with him a lot more than Blue anyway. Saturn is a song about loss and trying to move on and I think Vio encompasses that feeling and experience. It’s very melancholy and slower-paced too, which fits Vio more. Whereas Earth is a very powerful, somewhat explosive song (which fits Blue’s vibe) about ignorance and possibly arrogance. ALSO if you go with Blue as Earth then it works even nicer because Earth and Venus are woven together very closely in Cassini. Which could represent how Blue & Red are both the "heart" of Four compared to Vio's mind and Green's instinct.

And ALL of these songs are packed into Cassini into a convenient little medley. Four songs blending seamlessly into one another creating a whole song that makes me want to throw my hands in the air and weep.

And how perfect that the day Steel sent this ask is coincidentally the anniversary of the day the song is about. jhkqdwfgehf. It was meant to be :>

[cherry-interlude]

Lana Del Rey Unreleased Ranking (5)

This is a re-ranking of Lana's unreleased songs, after making a first a few years ago. This is all my opinion, which I don't mind anyone disagreeing with but don't come for me for it - honestly, I like every song, despite any criticism, and this ranking is very vague. It's based on objective and subjective opinion.

This is the fifth of five posts, with my favourites.

Wild One

Lana is nostalgic without the sadness, remembering how she’d shake it for Mike but is embracing her freedom. She lets country influence seep through her voice and her uncomplicated instrumentals – it would be an unsurprising addition to Chemtrails

True Love On The Side

Though simple in structure and lyrics, it’s more Lana’s grittier rock sound and her incredible vocals that make this one of my favourite unreleased tracks. Lana lets herself go and goes full pop rock chick for this track, whilst keeping in with her ‘other woman’ trope that makes the song still familiar despite its departure from her usual music.

Driving In Cars With Boys

Dripping in nostalgia, Driving In Cars With Boys makes you yearn for the kind of 1950s/1960s era Lana often laments over. Lana is a bad girl just having fun, doing what she pleases and giving in to her vices, and it’s this kind of song that is relatable in its escapism and desire to just do what you please. There are two versions, one with a more monotone chorus that matches the rest of the verses and another where Lana sings in a higher register, letting her cheerful, breezy love for driving with the boys shine through in her vocals.

Angels Forever Forever Angels

Perfect for Paradise, Angels Forever Forever Angels has that slow, rhythmic summer drive feel, a relaxed version of Ride which also has associations with the bikers that feature in both the music video for Ride and the lyrics to this unreleased song. It’s dreamy but grounded by Lana’s patriotic love for the grungier side of Americana.

Hollywood

It has a breathy chorus you could sing to, the feeling of a summer evening and blue skies. The ever building and dropping beat that keeps the song ticking as restlessly as Lana’s hopes and dreams gets me feeling pumped as much as her emphasised, dragged out “Hollywood” in the chorus makes me soothed. Lana is wishing for fame and fortune but it has the feel of an eighties American teen movie, iconic and deserving of a cult following.

Yes To Heaven

Hazy like a daydream, Yes To Heaven is made of sunlight and soft grass, closer to nature than the spotlights of Lana’s often alcohol-soaked, money drenched stages. Lana’s voice is tentative until it shimmers in the chorus, and though it was made for Ultraviolence, it wouldn’t be out of place on the shining beacon of hope that is Lana’s positive turn, Lust For Life.

Life Is Beautiful

This gorgeous song was intended for Age of Adaline’s trailer, and it’s been years of waiting for the full song to be released. Now we have it, it’s certainly worth the wait. Dreamy and soft, this track is a timeless classic that could underwhelm from it’s gentle feel but works perfectly well as a pure little love song.

On Our Way

Stripped back and with a country twang, Lana doesn’t add fuss and frills to this song, instead just crooning precisely how she feels in the kind of song that keeps you daydreaming for hours. Not even the smattering of her favourite imagery (Chevrolets and K-Mart lip gloss) overshadows the love that’s at the forefront of this track.

Never Let Me Go

Like On Our Way, Never Let Me Go has the country twang and stripped back feel that makes this a more subdued song, her lyrics shining even more. Lana’s additional strings layer this song well and her comparisons to the dangerous couple that is Sid and Nancy gives this track an edge, keeping it from being too frothy.

French Restaurant

A piano ballad, Lana strips back the hurt of Without You and dual dedication of Video Games to sing about how fame matters so little to her while she’s torn between two men. Her voice is beautiful and it does well to be so minimal in its production, her emotion driving the song clearly enough. Especially pretty are the backing vocals of the choruses, echoes of her thoughts that hammer home her broken feelings.

Trash Magic

Lana’s delicate and soft vocals help tie into the Lolita-esque character Lana often plays in her music. It has a similar feel to 1949, dripping with her delicious imagery, and wouldn’t be out of place on AKA Lizzy Grant. Lana is the fragile ‘daddy’s girl’ again in this song, and the sharp yet soothing music in the background sets the tone for a quiet trailer park night.

Us Against The World

Though fairly chilled out, Lana still hooks listeners with her characterisation of waitress by day/stripper by night, a dangerous girl tempting an equally dangerous guy. Lana drips sexiness in this song and though it’s not as exciting as some of her other unreleased pop hits, it is perfect for the Del Rey character.

Your Girl

Much like Caught You Boy, Lana is desperate for a man she can’t have but is instead a complete wreck. Lana just repeats over and over how she wishes she was this man’s girl, practically pleading after describing how she needs to be led off the stage from falling apart. Yet it’s still sultry, still passionate, and is topped off by her honey-like vocal demonstration in the bridge and the chorus.

Roses

Lana is the other woman with a twist – instead of moping about her man (Other Woman, Sad Girl) she is taking action. Fighting against him, not letting him go without making some noise and getting rid of his girlfriend, Lana storms into the song with a vengeful wrath and calls him out for his poor attempts at apologies. When this song first came out, I adored it, since it was the exact kind of strong-girl track I wanted from her with a great hook and all the right Lana-isms. Now, I still get that thrill listening to this song and its kick-ass fuck-you to the man she loves.

Playing Dangerous

The churning drums, the spoken verses and the coy vocals set this song apart from her others. It falls shorter during the choruses, the verses being the best parts of the track, but the way Lana interacts with the listener ultimately and is a more direct character of ‘innocent’ seductress who might actually be downright bad (arson is hinted).

Serene Queen

Lana is unbothered and unruffled, as collected as she is in Put Your Lips Together but this time with a definite Ultraviolence/Honeymoon feel. Lana is unshaken by the blazing guns, instead completely calm with her dangerous lover, questioning why he even has a problem in the first place. As it picks up in the chorus, almost smirking, it becomes one of her finer unreleased songs yet.

Ave Maria

This is just an instrumental but there’s something so beautifully haunting about it. It wouldn’t be out of place in a Hollywood movie, with shades of the Lolita soundtrack instantly coming to mind when it first starts. It even works well without singing, and I hope we get a full version soon.

Puppy Love

From the perspective of a Marilyn Monroe figure, Lana plays the teenage girl wishing for a traditional romance with her lover. It’s ever-so-adorable, harking back to the sweeter parts of the fifties, but there’s a sense of sadness throughout it. Under the surface of the puppy love is the reality that the references to Monroe do not forget her sadness, loneliness and ultimately her overdose. The tone shifts to such an unhappiness in the bridge, directly calling back to Monroe’s phone call shortly before she overdosed, twisting the song to something more melancholic.

Cherry Blossom

The lullaby that grew into the marvellous, completed Cherry Blossom is a lovely tribute to someone small and beloved. Though Lana doesn’t have children yet, the care in her voice and each of her heart-warming compliments and promises is still thoroughly enjoyable – and comforting.

Colour Blue

In a song that reminds me of the love/hate relationship of Norman Fucking Rockwell, Lana takes her time to question why she loves the men that she does and, ultimately, grow from it, beginning to want something different. It’s raw and personal, with a gushing chorus that is complimented fully by the guitar. This song is blue all over, from Lana's opening harmonisation to her abrupt, unhappy ending.

Paradise

This song is, of course, pure paradise. A summery beat, a flippant Lana simply enjoying her lover no matter how long she’ll have him for and her coos of “sick!” and “that’s dope!” make this into a tasty distraction fit for the sunny months. Her casualness in this track is fresh as well as the dance-happy music that she doesn’t often create in her albums.

Meet Me In The Pale Moonlight

Lana is the waitress with a crush in this bop of a track, trying to convince a guy to get with her instead of that “bitch”. Convincing she is, as she uses all of her charm, wit and insistence that there’s no promises behind her intentions to have a good time with him. It’s just a breath of fresh air compared to a lot of her music, not too heavy and perfectly polished. It’s self-assured as much as it is breezy, and calm as it is it’s still a riot to listen to.

Caught You Boy

A dream-esque confession of desire, obsession and pure, crazy love, Lana isn’t outright insane in this track (Kinda Outta Luck, Jealous Girl, Serial Killer) but she hints towards being slightly too attached to her beau and describing herself as an army of one. The song is sweet and flowery but there’s a sadness and danger to it that keeps it from being too sugary.

Fine China

Some of Lana’s best lyrics are in Fine China as she sings of her fractured relationship, unhappy wedding and many beautiful yet easily broken things. It’s a slow, unfussy ballad but her strong voice and stunning lyrics make it so much more than a throwaway unreleased song.

Thunder

What feels like a coming-of-age slow dance song but is ultimately a choir-backed break-up track. Lana’s lyrics are clever and her voice is the perfect complement to The Last Shadow Puppets, this combined work a sure hit that deserves some kind of release and recognition. Lana is frustrated but tender as she leads the song with plenty of presence.

Prom Song Gone Wrong

The fifties feel, the teenage romance, the warm and gorgeous vocals that switch from dreamily longing to a cheeky talk-rap suggest this is a song tied tightly to Puppy Love, except with a more hopeful feel to it. Lana is ready to leave and she wants her lover to come with her, and even if it’s a youthful mistake there’s no mistaking that the love she – and her man – feels is real. It’s a pretty dedication to the kind of head-spinning romance of younger years, though it has an edge to it. Lana’s choruses are desperate, her pleading genuine and the strange way the music builds and collapses right at the end give the illusion all isn’t the sunshine and rainbows Lana sings of – and hopes for.

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim Vs the Universe or So Sad So Very Very Sad

Hello all you happy Scottaholics! And welcome back to Scottrospective, my 8 part look at Scott Pilgrim: all 6 volumes of the comic as well as the game and movie just in time for their respective 10th Anniversaries. If your just joining us or needa  quick refresher, here are links to the other four parts, in order: Precious Little Life, Vs The World (Comic), Infinite Sadness, and last month’s look at my favorite volume Gets It Together. And if that’s not enough to fill your belly with Scotty Goodness, hop over to my patreon, patreon.com/popculturebuffet.  There you’ll find reviews of all the content I didn’t have time for in the retrospective proper: Free Scott Pilgrim, The Wonderful World of Kim Pine, Monica Beetle, Style, and the bonus comic strips. It’s only a dollar to get access to the bonus reviews, and every bit you can give not only helps me make these reviews int he first place, but gets me closer to my stretch goals, the 25 and 30 dollar ones including looks at O’Malley’s Other Works: Lost At Sea and Seconds for the former and Snotgirl for the latter. 

But more than plugging my past and paid works, there’s something else far more important I need to get to before I get into this one: Thank You. No Seriously thank all of you who have been reading these, liking them. My Precious Little Life Review is easily one of the most liked things i’ve ever had on this blog, getting more viewers every day, and last month’s look at Gets it Together is STILL racking up likes. Given most of my non-duck reviews, paid for and on my own time, tend to be ignored half the time, this just warms my heart. It shows me two great things: that even after a decade Scott Pilgrim still has a huge following and given how young this platform tends to skew that it’s gaining more fans every day, and that people care about what I have to say about htis wonderful comic. It really touches me to both know my voice matters and that something I truly loved as a teen and still do now is STILL picking up more and more fans. What i’m saying is you guys are the best and I wouldn’t be doing these reviews without your support of my very hard work. These are some of the hardest reviews i’ve done at times, but seeing you all enjoy them makes it all worth it. 

As for the Volume itself there’s something I just gotta get off my chest right away: I HATED this volume when it came out. To understand why you have to consider my mental state: I was a teenager at the time, in my junior year of high school. Scott Pilgrim was my goddamn world: while I was picking up comics monthly at the time this was honestly the first north american comic I loved and obessed over and Scott and friends were like family to me. To an awkward teen who couldn’t talk to girls, struggled to keep the video game club a friend founded together in a way that in hindsight was wholly unecessary, and getting messed with due to my anger issues by friend, foe and frenemy alike, Scott was my port in the storm. A sunny version of Tornoto where I could retreat to to feel at peace.

So yeah this shattered the fuck out of that peace and was essentially one long slow motion kick to the balls to a younger me: Hollie gets derailed and horribly betrays Kim, runing my faviorite characters life and leading to her LEAVING, Scott and Ramona’s relationship crumbles, the band breaks up , and the volume ends with Gideon still gunning for our hero because life hadn’t punched him in the face enough for one month. I was livid, not stopping the series, obviously, but upset that everything i’d grown to care about was basically gone in a flash and couldn’t understand WHY O’Malley would fucking do this to me. This volume was also what kept me from re-reading the books for as long as I did as while the rest had fond memories all the ones I had of this one were pure misery.

But by the time i re-read it in december of last year I had two important things in my hands that helped me truly enjoy this one: The first was Volume 6 itself: knowing things would work out, that most of the bad stuff would be undone and in a truly awesome and satisfying way helped.

The other thing was the perspective that came with growing older: For one as an adult while I still like Scott as a character and find him intresting I no longer look up to him, nor put stock in his hapiness for his own. Sure I still care about characters and relate to some, but Bojack Horseman taught me the hard way you CAN’T put all your hopes in a character’s fate or them getting better for you to get better. 

The other is that while this volume again is pretty bleak after a while.. it’s also NECESSARY. Part of the series charm is i’ts realisim and a sad part of real life is people can drift apart from you, and things can change seemingly all at once. And things moving the way they do is necessary for the ending: every step and move here puts things where they need to be for the final chapter.  The pain our heroes go through is necessary so they can all grow.. except Stephen and Wallace. Stephen sucks and Wallace dosen’t need to change. He does need his own spinoff. But for Scott, Ramona and Kim the trials to come are necessary to make them into their best selves by series end. 

So join me under the cut as we get sad so very very sad, this is Scott Pilgrim vs the Universe. 

Precious Little Life:  We open with Scott’s Birthday! Hit it MC Chris!

But yes it’s septmeber and Scott is now 24 years old. Also Julie is there because presumibly Stephen dredged her out of her swamp for the evening despite Julie likely not wanting to be there and Scott sure a shell not wanting her there.  He vows that he will be the best 24 year old ever...... yeah let’s take a brief look into the future to see how that pans out

But we have a full volume and more metaphorical rakes to whack Scott in the face before that paticular one. 

A MONTH AND A FEW DAYS LATER

It’s the day of the dead, whoa ho way down in Tornoto. It’s hosted by Satan Herself, who dosen’t realize the holiday for hags was yesterday. This is for remembering the dead and rising out of the grave to go resuce your young wards by ramming a bunch of guys in butterfly costumes with your car or stealing your children’s kidneys.  This is Rat Girl’s new place, a fancy loft she and 3 other girls went on to throw the best parties beaause of course. She’s also a bitch to our hero and heroine because of course. 

But Scott soon has more important things to worry about: Ramona spots his next two opponents.. the twins hinted at last time, Kyle and Ken Kataynagi, Perfect Jerk and Handsome Asshat respectively.

Kyle and Ken are easily the least intresting of the 7 exes. With the other 4 so far having been a loveable ham, a stoic movie star whose suprisingly nice and dies via skateboard, a gloriously douchey and dumb psychic evil version of our much more loverable dumb douche with personal connections to both him and Ramona, and Roxy who was genuinely sympathetic, held back by her own selfishness and anger.. we get.. two smug assholes who use robots. Their not UNINTRESTING, the robots have cool designs and the fight with them is genuinely exciting.. but they just don’t have the charisma or personal factor. Their jsut two assholes ramona dated at the same time who happen to know more about her well guarded past than the other exes and are more liable to bring it up.. and even then it’s not anything new as Envy pulled similar tactics far more intrestingly in volume 3. THey don’t ruin the volume or anything, thier fine, but I just wish O’Malley had done more. Especially since he clealry had more intresting ideas with them: the sound battle we saw in the movie was an early draft of this and one early draft had Scott’s previously unseen brother Laurence working with them. I don’t knowWHY he scrapped that as it raises the stakes and makes this far more personal for Scott. Which at this point is what the exes SHOULD be: Todd and Roxy BOTH were more personal threats, Todd being his ex’s boyfriend and first love and Roxy being a genuine competior for Ramona. These guys again are just two douchers who show up because we need 7 douchers to complete the doucher circle. 

So the twins declare their not going to fight scott.. and instead send a tiny robot to fight him. Awww. But for this fight O”Malley does something really intresting and creative.. he dosen’t focus on it. No really Ken and Kyle are dicks to Ramona so Kim wisely gets her out of there, and the two have a casual talk on the balcony while Ramona smokes. It’s some fun banter between the two that both shows why their shipped to all hell. The two just play off each other really damn well. Though we also get Craphole asking people if they want to come watch Scott get beat up because the worst. 

Something important character stuff comes up though: As was shown last time at her rightful rage that Stephen HAD an opportunity to book a gig and kept refusing it for his fecking album, Kim is still fairly salty about the whole recording an album bullshit. The biggest part of it..

It’s something you really DON’T expect to here coming out of kim: that she really LIKED the band. But beneath the pillar of salt she puts out daily... these were her friends, this was getting to do something creative and passionate, and it was a break from the daily grind. Even if her job isn’t TERRIBLE, getting to watch movies and hang out with her best friend Clerks style.. it’s still a retail job and those still weigh on you.. though frankly i’d take one of those over food service but sadly tha’ts what i get most of the time. This was fun.. and Stephen ripped that away from her for his own selfish reasons. No one else in the band really cared about making an album.. if Stephen REALLY wanted to find a more professional band.. then he should’ve just told them so Scott and Kim could find someone else to do guitars for them. Instead he forced them into doing something they don’t want to do and refuses to actually play shows, which COULD help both perfect songs for the album version and get them new fans for said upcoming album and provide them recurring venues to SELL said album,  because he really just wants to be with Joseph and fuck anyone else. Stephen is really just an inhernetly selfish git and i’ll get more into that in a bit. But first Wallace has a text for Scott. 

Now I COULD have just skipped over this.. but I didn’t want to. Plus we dont’ se Wallace for a while in this story so i’m taking what I can get. 

So back to Stephen being a repugnant ass. I’ve been waiting for this scene for the entire retrospective. I”ve hinted at it, and largely blamed it for why I hate him so damn much. The time is nigh to explain WHY. 

Stephen is with Knives, as the two are close friends and such. Stephen expalins Sex Bomb-Omb isn’t playing because he and the personfication of bitchiness broke up. Which knives points out is for...

But it’s clear from context this was the LAST time. Why he still got invited I dunno, plot convience. So far so normal.. until Stephen picks up that Knives is STILL hung up on Scott. Which is understandable crushes can last a while but i’ts equally understandable that Stephen is utterly baffled by it. Which I get,  I didn’t make an entire tom lucitor retropsecitve because I liked that his relationship with Star ended with him stepping aside due to what the show thought was “true wuv” but what comes off instead as his self loathing casuing him to blame himself for a realtionship that’s crumbling for reasons that aren’t his fault. 

And his actions here are incredibly well meant: He bluntly gives Knives the wake up call she DOES need: Scott cheated on her, he dated her because she was easy to date, strung her along for a bit while seeing someone else, then dumped her with not one care for her well being. That is stuff she NEEDS to get into her head so she can move on. She needs to see him for what he IS and not for what she’s built him up as in her head. And while yeah his rant DOSNE’T take into account the fact Scott geninely tried to make up for his actions in volume 3, Stephen wasn’t there for that and Knives probbably didn’t tell him about it.  So from his point of view scott broke her heart and did nothing.. and evne IF he knew that, Scott still hasn’t tried to do anything since despite Knives still being obessed with him nor come clean to her or Ramona at any point. Scott deserves this call out and the consequences that come with it. 

So your probably wondering WHY I hate Stephen because of this scene when he’s you know, RIGHT. Well it’s simple: being right dosen’t save you from being a MASSIVE hypcorite. He’s railing on Scott for cheating and hurting someone.. when he cheated on Julie and would’ve hurt her if she had the capacity for human emotion, empathy, or self awarness. The ending of the last volume and how bad, even for them, their relationship was implied the hell out of it, with him nervous when she brings up being paranoid over knives.. as if he WAS cheating. on One Face just not with a teenage girl but a grown ass man who hates everyone as much as BLARARARGAGAG does. 

Not only that.. but he was with Julie for the SAME DAMN reasons Scott was with Knives: it was easy. Now I WILL grant Stephen some sympathy: he’s a queer man and as one myself, bi for the record, I GET how fucking hard it is to come to terms with that, that what you thought you were isn’t ENITRELY true or, if Stephen is gay and not bi or pan, ENIRELY FALSE. So I do have some care that it was hard for him to sort all this out. I do and that Jospeh could’ve seduced him or what not. We don’t have all the context here. But he STILL cheated at the end of the day instead of telling her he was queer until MONTHS later.  And why yes the fact I have to feel bad for JULIE does make it that much worse. And yes their relationsihp COULD simply be that toxic or she could’ve gaslit him, but it seemed more like their relationship was messy breakups and getting back together over and over. While Julie IS vile, she’s not a domestic abuser mental or physical as far as I can tell. She’s a bitch and their relatioship is unehlathy but there was no indication their relationship involved gaslighting or evne phsyical violence: it was just fucked from minute one. So yeah he stayed in an awful relationship beacuse it was easier than coming out, when he should’ve broken it off as soon as it was clear he and Joseph were actually going somewhere. Waiting while he figured out who he was is one thing, tha’ts fiar, but cheating on someone just because you don’t have the nerve to break it off with them when their genuinely awful to you and your only hurting them as much as they can be hurt by dragging this out... yeah that just makes you an ass. 

Another point of contention is that he NEVER called Scott out on this. Never. Not even after this scene. Never encouraged him to tell Ramona or apologize to Knives, again he didn’t know Scott already had tried that. Never gets on him.. he just ignores Scott’s shitty behavior like eveyrone else and unlike Kim, whose still got unresolved feelings and is at the very least clearly bothered by his shitty behavior, and Neil, whose young and thus like me likely looked up to Scott at the time, he dosen’t have an excuse other than “Well I don’t want to ruin our friendship by actually calling him out when he does something objectivionally awful.” Especially since Wallace DID actually take action: he didn’t break up the relationship or say anythign to Ramona, which is wrong... but he did tell scott flat out after his first date with Ramona to break up with Knives. And when Scott chickned out of that, Wallace gave him the ultimatium, may it live in empathy, to do so or he WOULD tell Ramona. And at least Wallace has a motive for not telling Ramona other than “I don’t want to risk my friendship with a guy I really don’t care about and think is shitty”. He wanted to see Scott recover from Envy, something Stephen never gave ONE. SHIT. ABOUT. He saw Ramona was good for him and knew telling her, while the RIGHT thing to do, would severely harm Scott, and by volume 4 leave him homeless. Plus Wallace frankly enabled him for some time anyway, letting him live at their place rent free and paying for all his food and frequently letting Scott steal his credit card. WIth Wallace at least while it’s not the RIGHT move, it’s understandable and complicated vs Stephen who really dosen’t seem to like or get along with Scott after volume 1, suddenly cares what happens to his relationship. 

And what proves this... is this little exchange that ends the conversation. 

Knives despite her issues, despite blinding herself to how Scott treated her, despite everything... thinks Ramona should know. And she’s right. And Stephen KNOWS THIS. He knows it was the right thing to do and just.. takes a swig instead of admitting he’s a fucking hypocrite or explaining himself in any way.  He NEVER cared about Ramona’s feelings or how this would effect her or saw her as important in any way shape or form. Kim at least clearly feels guilty. Wallace clearly is only doing so because it’s better for both her and Scott that their together and is a flawed human being. Stephen.. just dosen’t do so out of some masculine bullshit code of not ratting out your friend and his own cowardace. He clearly COULD go walk up to Ramona right now and tell her, but he won’t. And again I don’t buy he honeslty cares enough about Scott for their friendship to TRULY be enough of a factor to stop that. Fuck. Stephen. Stills. 

So Scott wins naturally, but is bummed there’s no reward.. but Stephen points out there’s tons of free food over yonder so he noms before he and Ramona leave. 

We get some cute domestic bits with Scott and ramona: Scott playing games on her phone all day, the two cooking dinner, and Scott admititng he hasn’t thought of envy at all. “I have you now”. Though through it there are some signs of unease: Scott finds a letter to Gideon, and Ramona asks about her hair and stares out into the window. Nice little hints that even before the big bomb abotu to drop she’s not at ease.. she loves Scott.. but it’s hard for her to let herself BE happy. It’s easy to wager she wasn’t for most of her life. 

Can’t Face Up

So next we find Sex Bomb-Omb working on the album. Or rather Stephen and Joseph are. Scott and Kim are praying for death but death won’t come and Kim wonders why the fuck this isn’t finished. Joseph wants her out of his house... forgetting that Kim lives in said house. 

Still his expressoin implies he’s going to do a murder on her if she stays in the room and since Drummers are hard to come by Stephen spirits them to kim’s room for a band meeting. Turns out they do have a gig but naturally Rosemary’s Baby booked it... and they haven’t practiced in months because Stephen’s a moron. He theorizes it’s Freddy’s Revenge, which is admitely probably valid though Kim can TELL something worse happened Stephen won’t cop to because he’s a piece of shit. I spent several paragraph’s establishing that. They try blaying and two sucktacular minutes i’ts clear their fucked sunday. 

So after a scene of Knives trying HARD to justify Scott’s actions and blame htem on Ramona, to no success, we get one of my faviorite parts of this book: Scott rambling on for god knows how long about the x-men while Ramona gets dressed and is presumibly barely listneing. 

I relate so hard to this it hurts. While not this era I wll GLADLY go on and on about X-Men and anything X-Adjacent at any goddamn opportunity and anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis and you know this. I need to tlak more x-men outside of my slowly failing New X-Men retrospective (Which is on the back burner because no one seeems to genuinely care after chapter one). If I did have a signifgant other, they would probably end up in a situation like this quite a lot and i’d have no shame about it. 

I also love this scene even more as while I DID love x-men at the time, I wasn’t quite the mega fan I was, nor as familiar with Claremont’s long, epic and often fucking weird in the special wonderful way only comics can run. Given I OWN over half his run at this point, that has changed. Though oddly not this part. So not only do I get Scott’s talking about x-men I Know what SPECIFICALLY. 

And for the unitatied, a quick explination of what the fuck Scott’s going on and on about: In the late 80′s, the x-men fought a reality warping malevolent trickster god named the Adversary. IN order to beat him their friend forget had to perform a cermony to lock his ass away that required willingly given life forces. The X-Men did REALLY fucking die.. but the Goddess Roma, daughter of Merlin and enemy of the advesary brought them back to life. With their deaths having been broadcast on live tv, and with tons of dangerous enemies at their heels, the X-Men choose to let the world continue to think they were dead so they could hit said enemies where it hurt.

SO this is where Scott’s story comes in:The X-Men’s first mission was clearing out the reavers, a bunch of racist cyborgs, from a ghost town which they took over as their base. As Scotty said they traveled all over the world, fought aliens, more racists, and then went to New York as it literally went ot hell. it’s a LOT and I haven’t read most of that era. I just know about it. I have read that last part though: the x-men were ambushed while wolveirne was away by said racist cyborgs so Psylocke shoved them through the siege perilous, a gate thingy romana gave them that would give them a new life and amnesia and such, leaving wolveirne to get crucified till Jubilee, who’d been hiding in their base gary busey style, freed him. The two would travel the world, find psylocke body swapped which is why she was asian for several decades, and get into general stuff for a few years real time till the X-Men slowly reunited. And you probbaly dind’t need to hear all of that but your life is better for knowing it. 

As you can tell Ramona’s discontent is mounting. And probably not because of Scott rambling about x-men. Last night he told her about the time Magneto beat them all because they stupidly rushed him one at a time then forced them into high tech chairs while a robotic nanny babbied them and then esecaped because shut up before fighting magneto, getting surrounded by lava and having beast ASSUME they were dead because fuck actually coming back and searching just in case like a rational human being because magma or no the x-men have surivived worse, including the depths of space, and restoring all of reality from scratch.  I may of just read those issues tonight. 

She procedes to make things worse for our hero as when he asks fo rher advice.. she reveals she dosen’t like his band.. and while she means nothing BY that, she’s nice about it, telling him his band sucks days before a sudden show where you guys eat a lot isn’t something you do. Wallace is naturally even less helpful and maybe his not liking the band is why we barely see him interact. Maybe he just figured Stepheen was on the fence sexuality wise but wasn’t willing to put up with Julie to test that. I dunno. 

So at the restraunt Stephen’s a dick, refusing to help Scott with his problems. WHich for once are legitamte as he worries abotu Ramona keeping secrets. He just wants to talk about hte band.. but 48 or something hours after this he has no real plan. 

Scott mopes to Kim about Ramona and she has some sage advice for him...

Also thing one and thing two are at the bar with a remote. This cannot end well... granted givne our heroes are not at all prepared and are playing two diffrent songs, this was never going to end well. 

And things only get worse for Scott in the bathroom.. he’s not there.. but his girlfriend and his ex are. Knives tries to work it out.. but Ramona being a bit short with her, which is fair given Knives tried to stab her a bunch a few months back and never apologized, leading to a quick fight.. but with Knives heart not in it this time and Ramona pissed and this time NOT confsued as to what the hell ihs going on, it ends with Ramona slamming knives into a wall... and Knives sadly revealing the truth to Ramona...

The scene hits like a truck with both devistated.. Ramona not having realized Scott with this shitty.. and Knives FINALLY accepting that he is. Finally letting her obession with him drop and realize what he was and what he did and let the full impact hit. The last part also hits hard “No One Else Would’ve Told You’.  It’s a sad hard truth and it’s CLEARLY something that hits both women hard.  For Knives it’s realizing Kim and Stephen, who she’s increidbly close to at this point, both don’t have the stomach to do the right thing, and thus hid this from her and Ramona. Stephen DID tell her.. but he still didn’t have the guts to tell RAMONA nor the actual care. It’s the realization the people she looked up to truly let her down and that she had to do what they couldn’t, even if it tore her apart to do it. For Ramona it’s realizing her closest friends outside of Scott could’ve told her and never did. No matter how close she’s gotten to Kim and Wallace, neither gave a fuck about her rights or her need to know. 

So Ramona is rattled and barely speaks while Scott has been fighting anothe rrobot and ends the gig accidnetly smashing his bass. Stephen is pissy with him and blames hi mfor runing the gig, which turned out to be a trap anyway complete with fliers. 

Ramona decides to gently throw him out as he forgot his keys while his other friends won’t house him leaving him with the one friend he has who dosen’t hate him right now. WALLACE!

The Glow:

So at Casa De Welles, Wallace has some buddy time, not making any bones about the fact Ramona clearly threw Scott out for the night and wearing a neat robe. Scott mopes about the fact he hasn’t met mobile whose apparenlty on the astral plane. I wonder if he has any buisness with Emma.. I mean the x-men did live in san fran sicsio but given decimation didn’t have many psychics. Might’ve been tryign to get another one. THey didn’t have a whole island that walks like a man yet.  And while Wallace wasn’t in much of a coaching mood last time he is willing to help. He couldn’t get bupkiss on the twins since Scott can’t even remember their names, but he did pull off a miracle. Despite their being a million Gideons in New York.. Wallace found THE Gideon. Granted all he got was his full name, Gideon Gordon Graves, and a few burry photos, one with Ramona confirming this is our douche, but given he had only a first name and an ex to work with this is some damn fine work. Wallace asks scott about his future with Ramona but he just.. has no earthly idea because of course he dosen’t. He hasn’t REALLY thought about what comes after beating the exes because he never thinks anything through. Interesting stuff The next day Scott meets up with Kim at No Account Video and we get our first, and I mean literally first, indiciation things are falling apart with her and Hollie. Scott wants to say hi, Kim refuses him and gives a smart ass comment when he asks if them being roomates isn’t working out. He wasn’t even being a dick it’s just clear SOMETHING bad’s going on she won’t talk about because she puts up walls around hrself on a GOOD day and this clearly isn’t one.

It gets worse when they stop by Stephen’s place only to find Neil whose both taken up a combination of smoking and moping in a dark room. Never a good sign. Nor is Stephen apparenlty being at band practice.. meaning either he lied to Neil about where he went.. or he already started the band we’ll see him with next volume and is already stabbing his friends in the back. There wasn’t much to like about the guy to BEGIN with, but his behavior just gets worse with every volume and it’s reached it’s apex here. The speech was shitty enough, I spent several paragraphs explaning why, but the rest of his behavior isn’t much better. He abandoned two people who were, for god knows what reason loyal to him and abandoned the band because of some bearded asshole probably encouraging him to. 

We also get some telling behavior on Kim’s part. Whlie she’s usually morose around Scott in the face of this both just hang out, it’s plesant. She even smiles when she asks if it’s going to be a regular occurance when he stays with her that night. Granted she brings back her frown soon after, but as has been clear her feelings for him never really went away entirely, and this is the closest the two have been in volumes, just enjoying each others company. It’s also telling that Scott trusts kim with a favor.

We see the favor the next page: Kim hangs out with Ramona.. and Scott marchs in completely on purpose soon after. Granted Kim probably didn’t know THIS was part of the plan, and it’s mildly stupid.. but it DOES show progress for Scott. Keep in mind his usual tactic is “avoid the fuck out of it and hope it goes away’ So ACTUALLY wanting to talk about things and find her again, and not doing it in a creepy way but simply drawing her out with a friend, shows SOME maturlity. It’s still not the most mature.. but with Ramona clearly not wanting him at their place, her work not having a set location as she just picks stuff up and drops it off (And even if she’s picking up packages at the post office we don’t know which one or if there’s multiple and even if we did scott sure as hel l does not), he was out of options. It also WORKS, with Ramona breaking her mopeynesss to laugh and Kim stunned it didn’t just piss her off further. 

So we find out what happened with Hollie when Scott brings up jason. She points out they were dating but... welllllllll

Yeah... as you could probably tell I do not like this plot point at all. For one thing we never really got to KNOW Jason, and with him and Hollie getting a little too cozy at the end of the last volume...

It’s clear his ONLY roll in the story was to be there so Hollie could betray Kim in some way. And look I get a LOT in this series happens while we’re not looking, ti’s part of it’s charm. Things not pausing for the side cast is a trope I enjoy: it allows some things to progress faster and allows for some intresting stories when the main cast catches up. Steven Unvierse and Ducktales both used this well as does Scott Pilgrim but all three weren’t immune to someitnes goofing up and taking it too far. 

This whole situation is that: Hollie is a character I got attached to: She had a great report with kim, they were really close and she offered her a place to stay when it was clear she was miserable with the four horseman of the bitchpocalypse she lived with. So while having her suddenly heel turn is realistic... it just feels thorughly unsatisfying. We do not see Hollie again after she’s sudeenly derailed, so we never get to see what she’s apparenlty REALLY like or get any explination why this happened. Suddenly Kim’s best friend is a douchebag even though it makes no sense for her character. Just because in real life people can turn out to be really shitty on a dime dosen’t mean it’s a neat thing to READ in a story and it feels like a waste of what was one of the series best side characters. And granted i’ve been through FAR worse treatment of side characters, trust me but this one still blows to this day and if there is a netflix adaptation this either needs to not happen or have actual depth. Seriously Netflix your adapting everything else, get on the bus already. 

Scott is GENUINELY apologetic, we’ve rarely seen him this nice but he genuinely feels bad for her.. and unlike Stephen’s thing it’s okay to feel shitty someone got cheated on even if you were a cheater in the past. As I said Stephen wasn’t wrong about how Scott treeted knives.. he just also was trying to take moral high ground which Knives proved he absolutely did not have in seconds.

This triggers Ramona’s glow, the squggly line thing that shows up over her head ocasoinally.. and while Ramona grills Scott... Kim just finally asks what the hells up with her head. Scott’s reaction is “OH good you guys see it too”. Kim does try to show it to ramona but it’s gone by then and she drops it for now and outside encourages her to come to Julie’s latest shitty party.. I mean their miserable but at least it gives thems omething to do

So we get another instalment of “Scott rambles about the X-Men” or New Mutants in this case as we’re talking about Magik, Aka Illyana Rasputin 

So for the long version: The X-Men were staying at a creepy temple that Magneto had been working out of beause the mansion was being repaired. Colossus, everyone’s favorite Russian and Deadpool co-star, had his kid sister Illyana with him as Arcade, a ginger maniac assasian whose gimmick is creating elaborate murder theme parks, kidnapped her in a plot to get the x-men to fight Dr. Doom for him. Given this was during the Cold War they coudln’t exactly take her back, so she stayed with the X-Men and her beloved big brother. 

So naturlaly the spooky temple decorated in Cthulu’s had a portal to hell in it and  an evil and genirc looking fucker named Belasco kidnapped her to a hell dimension known as Limbo>  the X-Men went after her as you’d expect and things got WEIRD as due to some complicated and weird time dialition stuff I sitll don’t quite understand there ended up being two copies of the x-men: ours who came in right after, and a second batch who stayed there for about 7-8 years and got warped by Bellsaco’s magic as he killed or changed most of them. As a result Storm became a sorcerer to fight back, Kitty Pryde became some sort of cat creature and Kurt became a creepy evil version of himself. Illyana stayed htere, learned magics from both storm and asshole, learned to fight from cat kitty, and eventually escaped after a lot of horrible bullshit, hardnered and with her soul scarred from it, now a teenager. She joined the New Mutants, the training class of x-men in the comics, soon after. She’s a member agian in present day, one of the great captains of Krakoa, and one of the two co-leaders of Krakoa’s younger mutants, i.e. 20 something to teens and kids. 

This is the best of the two scenes as the narrative , or at least Scott’s versions parallels Ramona’s own; Getting taken in by an evil man and feeling tainted by that. 

So at the party Ramona runs into Neil whose a dick about it and with some girl. She WAS going to be fleshed out more in the original draft but Brian ended up scrapping it for time, but does regret it. It’s here we get Neil’s face punchingly dickish comment that’s also a massive hint as to Stephen’s sexuality. 

Yeah even if Stephen’s been an UTTERLY shitty friend to him.. this was uncalled for even for the late 2000′s. What a prick. I do like the arc of Neil slowly falling apart though getting more and more bitter as his old friends abandoned him casually, especailly Stephen. While his comment was still HORRIBLY unwarranted even with Stephen being a dipshit. 

Speaking of assholes we get our last major with Julie who berates Scott for grabbing some booze and brings in the twist. I’m.. i’m not even bothering to give her an insluting and weird nickname. She’s still a HORRIBLE piece of shit, as she brought Scott’s enemies there to try and beat him to death for her own amusment and berated him for getting booze at a party she CLEARLY expected him to come to, but she’s ALMOST gone. Seriously after this she’s GONE for the volume and barely in the rest of the series. So i’d rather celebrate FINALLY having earned my freedom over worrying about her any more than i have to. Cue the music!

So with that Kyle.. or is it Ken. 

But the blonde one needles ramona, giving her her faviorite booze and telling her “this is all just temproary”

So Ramona gets all glowy.. and Kim gets her phone out....

The Universe Fights Back So in a random bedroom Ramona gives up the ghost: SHe DOES know what that is she just can’t tell Kim. Kim accepts it and they share some drinks. Scott, after beheading the douche bros latest science project, joins them and we get a lovely scene of the three drinking and bonding and geneuinely just having a good time. Though Kim DOES mention that she wants to go back to school.. This will naturally be very important. 

What’s more important is this scene is ENITRELY while I poly ship these three dum dums. I mean while part of thier hapiness here is their blasted out of hteir heads, it’s also just Kim’s wall sbeing down. She tells the two she loves them, and I think MEANS IT. Not to mention this...

Okay maybe it’s just the two of them but they also love Scott. And again I get htier VERY obviously drunk.. but given Kim and Ramona are clearly actively supressing any bi parts of themselves most of hte time this is telling. The fact Ramona asks kim to sleep in THIER bed, likely with them, is ALSO very telling and Kim only dosen’t because their using sub space. No really that’s the only reason this volume didn’t end VERY diffrently with the three of htem having a three way before the argument coming up.. and possibly fixing said argument by having kim to mediate. I mean I get Scott’s not a big part of this so if you don’t want to ship him with them and just leave them alone that’s fine, ut I like the idea of them as a throuple: they ballance each other out.. and frakly with Scott’s irresponsblity and Ramona’s emotoinal issues they need someone to call them b oth out in the relationship, while these two are two of the only three people in the work i’ve seen Kim take her walls down for. Not even Jason got that, but Jason was also a carboard cutout. 

Things take a turn from Kim.. from an almost threesome where she CLEARLY would be getting most of the attention... to two assholes kidnapping her. Now while I don’t like the twins that much their plan for the final act IS actually clever: their the first ones to think to actually use the people Scott cares about.. or anything resembling strategy really. Matt just charged int here, Lucas coudln’t give less of a fuck, Todd just used brute strength like a teletkentic juggernaught, and Roxy DID use some but it was less to actually fight scott and more to get into ramona’s pants again. The twins see Kim clearly still loves Scott, and that while he acts aloff to her sometimes she really is one of his best friends. No really, think about it. Wallace is his BEST friend.. but Kim sticks by him even when he’s shitty, calls him out when needed, and despite her grumpiness is the one who has the most faith in him out of ANYONE. It’s a large point of the volume: she dosen’t bother watching the fights.. because she belivies he’ll win simply because he’s Scott. That’s love right there. The kind of love that gets you kidnapped as part of an elaborate scheme but love nonetheless. 

So we then get the scene that’s been coming for five volumes... after having sex, Ramona confronts Scott. While Scott admits he didn’t cheat on her with knvies, the other way around, that’s not better. He admits he’s been trying to forget about it.. and she calls him a bad person. And that. .hits him hard. While he DESERVES scorn for what he did... as he puts it next he’s been trying to change for her. To BE better. And all she sees, and outright confirms is another evil ex in waiting with Scott DESPERATE to prove her wrong and wrongly thinking beating the next three exes will fix this. It’s a VERY hard sceen to watch as while Scott does deserve this.. it’s also hard not to feel bad for him too. It really sums up the character: He is a dick.. but he’s TRYING to be better. He WANTS to be, he just dosen’t know how. And MAN can I relate to that.  It dosen’t help that Ramona is clearly projecting her own insecurties about this lasting, about actually being happy and about this really being her life onto him, using this as an easy out after having a month of doubt. Yes Scott did something unbelivibely shitty.. but both are trying to take the easy way out of it instead of genuinely discussing why it’s shitty, what he did was wrong and geniuinely unpacking if this is the end. Ramona clearly wants to bail, and Scott clearly just wants to punch a few guys to make it better. Neither thing will work. They need to work thorugh their issues to work... but neither is capable of that right now. They both want to run from the problem. 

This volume is in part about Ramona herself.. and showcasing her OWN flaws.. and like Scott her biggest is that she runs. She wants to escape her past too and both assumed the other would be an easy fix, that by having a good partner they’d be better.. when really their both mildly shitty people who need to make peace with their past and repair the bridges they’ve burnt and flip off the ones not worht reparing instead of running from it all the time. But sadly before both can.. their just gonna run again. Because sometimes fixing yourself is just not that easy. 

So the next morning Scott’s heart stops fo ra second when Ramona is seemingly gone.. only for her to instead be in teh shower. But Scott gets a text telling him the twins have Kim and TRIES to tell Ramona.. but she’s in the shower. As a result she’s worried he just ran off... and makes a decision , her hair cut back down after growing it out this volume, a sign of her hapiness.. now gone. 

The Glow Part 2 So at an abandoned wherehouse the fight is on. The twins have the advantage in part because Scott is hung over.. something they take offense to.. even though they were THERE last night. He was at a party. They don’t know he teatotles. What state did they THINK he’d be in this morning?

We also find out their origin: as Scott correctly guessed at the end of last volume, Ramona dated them both at the same time and pit them against each other. They found out and vowed to always fight as one.. which means Scott is not only fighting two equally powerful opponents at once, but two who work as a perfct team and double hurricane kick him. They also mentally break him down, pointing out her previous job and how she’s a runner and she’s here to run from her past working for Gideon.

They aren’t but I already went into that so let’s get onto more pressing issues: Scott is not only hung over but now doubting himself and his dumbass plan to beat gideon and magically fix things, while Kim is naturally not happy about being stuck in a cage all night. And while at first she’s genuinely just grumpy as always as it becomes clear Scott has lost hope and the twins are going to win this one her expression is heartbreaking...

After EVERYTHING she still loves him and can’t bear to see him in so much pain... and can’t loose him.. so she gets desperate and claims Ramona texted him to give him hope. 

This is one of Kim’s definting moments, the other coming next month. When faced with the person she loves possibly dying.. she lies to him.. so he can surivive. So he can have hope and make it through this.. despite how much it’s CLEARLY KILLING HER to not only tell him someone else loves him but to clealry lie that person loves him, knowing it’ll hurt him more.. but knowing if she DOSEN’T he’ll die. It’s one of the most painful, heartbreaking and beautiful moments in the entire series. It’s why I said earlier while I don’t like the brothers their climactic fight his excellent.. because it is. Their verbal breaking down of Scott is hearbreaking and Kim’s sacrifice equally so. 

And before stomping them into coins SCott shows further growth.. by showing he CAN give off a good one liner now...

So Scott beats them and gets Kim out of the cage, worried about her.. but despite having a chance, Kim lets him get on his way to ramona and morsoely wlaks off... while ominously the sign points out this will soon be the Chaos Theater. There’s still one left to go. 

But.. it’s sadly not enough. While Scott gives her a heartfelt speech... even if he quotes the song as long as you love me... he dosen’t care who she is.. but Ramona does.. calling herself a bad person.. as she vanishes.... and I cry my eyes out again. God two really heartbreaking scenes in a row sweet jesus this volume will be the death of me.. and not just because i’ts taken so damn long to write this review. And on top of tha the looses the cat and ends up locked out. 

World of Ruin:

So yeah if you thought those bits weren’t easy.. it only gets roughter as we see Scott in the aftermath of the breakup. His dream world is now desolate and he’s alone. Now to his creidt as much shit as i’ve given him Stephen didn’t ENTIRELY abandon Scott: he put him up fo rth enight (though he kicks him out after work) and offers to take him to after work drinks. We also see a nice side of Scott’s intimdating boss as she offers her symaptheties at him crying... while he says it’s the onions... he’s transparenlty lying. 

Next up is Kim. Though she dosen’t have a couch because Hollie sold it.. which as dickish as she suddenly is it IS her couch as Kim points out.. so yeah Kim and Scott end up sleeping awkardly in the same bed facing away from each other.. and to add another emotional guttpunch at the worst possible time: She’s going back home. 

Stacey is even lesss helpful as SCott continues to ask about cats and is unsypantethic about her leaving despite you know,  him REALLY not being at the shit talking her stage yet bud. At least we do get to see Stacey in this one I genuinely forgot she was in it. 

So at Wallace’s he’s no help either pointing out she might be with someone else because he’s wallace and we meet a guy with Glases.. and in his bad state Scott assumes i’ts gideon. it’s not though. WE finally meet Mobile!

He’s exactly what wallace needs.. a fellow sarcastic asshole. 

So next up is Kim’s goodbye.. which once again is really emotinal..a nd not just because  my faviorite character is leaving and again, younger me didn’t know this wasn’t forever.. or that she’d be back for a rather huge role next time. But still it’s a damn good scene that shows how far Scott’s come...

While the first part is standard... the second is Scott realizing that she still had feelings for him, clearly given her actions during the fight, and he’d been a right dick this whole time never dealing with it or apolgoizing for his past. Granted he still has a way to go to REALLY apologize for it... but he’s trying and means it. And with her possibly never seeing again.. she needed that. Also her coat is damn cool. I’d say I want one like that btu i’d really prefer one like Scotts complete with x-men patch. Pax Krakoa bitches. 

We get a really nice scene after where we meet Scott’s parents! Their also really kind helping him get a new place and move on... and runs into another glasses guy. But this time it’s Laurence! Who he drop kicks.. and then gives a broken bass back to. Eh... i’ve seen worse relationship with siblings honestly. He didn’t murder scott’s friend or plunge a whole galaxy into war or try and murder his daughter. Other Scott’s weren’t so lucky. 

So after that awkardness SCott finds the note to gideon which is a break up letter... she never sent. However there’s something more pressing as he gets a call... and you can probably guess given his luck lately who that’s from. 

Eh it’s not that murderoius creep but another one. 

The end.. is in a few weeks.

Final Thoughts: 

As I said I hated Vs the Universe on first read but re-reading it with hindsight and maturity.. it’s damn good. It’s depressing as hell.. but the things it does need to happen to push scott into a bad enough place for the next volume to work, and are natural: Ramona and Kim leaving, The band  breaking up, Scott kicking his brother in the face.. all natural things. It hurts, this was a HARD one to write and I only feel the next one will be harder because it’s way longer with less slice of lifey stuff to skim through in my recapping. 

But it’s a damn good one, with fantastic art, really gripping scenes, x-men refrenes and a spotlight shone on my girl kim. Even it’s weak spots dont’ hurt it: the twins are only weak by comparison, and still work well enough for the story, pushing ramona into the bad mental place she needs to be for the story to work. Hollie’s thing DID Need to be written way fucking better... but it does push kim into leaving which is CRITICAL for next time. So they aren’t GREAT elements, but they work. The only real other problem I have is knives just.. vanishes after her scene outside of one bit with Stephen, but that I can understand as the book is pretty tightly packed and she gets a fitting sendoff next time anyway. All in all another amazing entry and the perfect warm up for one of the best endings in comics history

Next Time: I said it and I meant it: one of the best endings in comics history as Scott hits on some exes, fights himself and betters himself as he prepares for his finest hour! Will Ramona Come back? Will Kim? Will Julie?... to answer your questions yes yes, and god dammit. Thank you all for reading, see you at the next rainbow. 

[whynotwinnie]

Tímida: Roger Taylor x OC series

sorry guys i’ve been m.i.a. with second semester starting i’ve been stressing with class and all that but i had this chapter for awhile now and i decided to finish it. also i’m trying to work on “wounded” the kylo ren series but i fell into a bit of a writers block for that one. .-. i’ll work on it soon. but here is this roger taylor fic you can use ben hardy’s version of roger if you would like. :) thanks for reading.

 MICKEY

Waking up groggy you checked your alarm clock, 12:00 in the afternoon you have definitely seen worse you groaned as you got up from your bed. 

You had always followed a very specific routine in all honestly it just made sense living on your own had definitely impacted you and your mental health so sticking to a routine made it feel like your life was always on track, when it certainly was not. 

The first thing on your non-existent schedule was coffee, no matter the time you always needed some sort of caffeine when you are tight on cash it was tea at home, but when you were able and that was most of the time you went to a small coffee shop that was about a fifteen-minute walk from your studio apartment. 

After doing the basic self-hygiene you grabbed your tote bag filled with your work stuff and started walking to the directions to Beachwood Cafe.

The walk is always quiet and calm, but it always gave you little bits and pieces into other people’s lives. Like the old lady watering her plants or the way, the housewife takes her toddler for a walk in his stroller. The sense of familiarity comforted you. 

“Hello there.” 

You whipped your head toward the direction of the voice, this was not part of the routine you had never seen this man before, his shoulder-length blonde hair and ridiculously blue eyes were unfamiliar yet comforting. He was confident yet nonchalant with his greeting.

“Hello,” you said with a small smile he looked down at you smiling.

You continued to walk seeing Beachwood in the distance.

“Were you going to get a cuppa?” you nodded your head “That is so crazy because so was I.” he picked up his pace so he can open the door for you. 

You muttered a small thank you and walked in, Beachwood was a small but very popular coffeeshop the owner Dayla has became a very good friend of yours and always brightened up your day with a joke or two.

“Mimi, how are you love?” she asked from behind the counter.

“I’m good Day how are you?”

“Can’t complain if I say so myself.” she said grinning “Let me guess Caffe Latte and a pastry?”

“Yes ma’am, it’s late in the day you didn’t run out of the pastries yet?”

“I just took out a fresh batch right now, I knew you were going to have a late start today.”  God, you loved this woman.

You stepped aside to get your wallet from your bag 

“What would you like young man?” Dayla asked the man who walked in with you.

“I’ll just get a cup of tea please, Oh! I’ll get her order as well” he said as he saw you handing money to Dayla.

“That’s okay!” you said feeling the heat rise to your cheeks.

“Please I insist.” He said practically throwing the money to pay for your order at Dayla.

“Please let me-”

“Mimi! he said he insists go sit down,” Dayla said looking at you wide-eyed.

You looked at both of them and walked to the seat you usually sat at and what a surprise the man came with you.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” he said motioning to the seat across from you.

“Go ahead,” you said

He sat down looking out the window and then back at you. “I’m sorry I realized I never introduced myself I’m Roger Taylor.” he said extending his hand out to you, you grabbed it.

“I’m Mickey… well it’s not really Mickey but it’s just easier to pronounce.” Stupid you should’ve just said Mickey.

“May I ask what your real name is?” Roger said still holding your hand

“It’s Mikaela but Mickey is fine.”

“Can you say it one more time, I want to make sure I got it right.” he rubbed his thumb across your knuckles.

“Umm… yeah it’s pronounced Me as in me and you, Ki like eye but with a K in front of it and Yella like yell with an A after… That sounded really complicated actually you don’t have to-”

“Mikaela?” he said slowly looking up at you for confirmation. 

“Yeah!” your heart skipped a beat it is so nice hearing your name.

“Nice to meet you Mikaela” he said as he brought your hand up to his mouth and pressed a soft kiss on your knuckles.

Fuck.

Of course, at the exact same time as that happened, Dayla came with your drinks. She set your drink down smirking and left without saying another word.

“Is it safe to assume that you are not from here?” He asked while blowing on his tea before taking a small sip.

“Yeah, you can say that. What gave it away.” You said smiling from your coffee cup

“You’re just different from everyone not in a bad way either I like it. Where are you from.”

Oh god, I can die happy right now.

“Well, it's a bit of a long story.”

“I don't have anywhere to be.” He said his blues eyes burning into yours

Oh wow, he's so hot

“Oh in that case. I was born in a small town in Spain. Spanish was my first language so that’s why I talk funny.”

“I like the way you talk.”

He did not. Your face was definitely red.

“How does a girl from Spain come to London?”

“Ummm sheer luck I suppose.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure”

“Was it hard learning another language?”

“Learning English was super difficult sometimes I feel like I dont know what I’m saying, but English is my third language my second was Italian.”

“Italian? Where do you find the time to learn two extra languages?” He was genuinely in disbelief

“Well my mom was from Spain and my dad was from Italy so I just needed to know both and they’re pretty similar to each other so it wasn’t that hard.

“What do you do for fun?”

“What do I do for fun?” I repeated thinking hard

“Yes, you obviously must have loads of friends.”

“Well… I do have friends, I just can’t think of one at this second.”

This is embarrassing now he thinks I’m a loser

“Don’t worry I don’t have many friends either but consider me as your friend Mickey.”

“What about you? What do you do for fun?” I need to change the subject oh my god.

“Well, I’m in a rock band.”

“A rock band?!” You said a little too loudly

“What about me isn’t rock and roll Mickey?” he said laughing

“Not in a bad way of course you don’t seem like the type to be singing in front of a crowd,” I said shaking my head 

“Well, I suppose you got that right I’m on the drums in the back so the audience can’t really see me anyways.”

“I’m sorry I’m not trying to make fun of you I just got caught off guard, does your band have a name?”

“Sm- Queen,” he said shaking his head.

“I like the name Queen, are you playing soon I would like to see what I’m missing out on.”

“We’re actually recording our first album right now, the recording place is not too far from here about a block or two further down. So we’re going on a small break until we’re done with the album but I believe the next one is in three weeks.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for it then.” You said sipping your coffee

“Actually I was hoping to see you earlier than that.”

You immediately choked on your coffee, making a scene by coughing into your napkin.

“That wasn’t the response I had hoped for,” he said passing you his napkin so you can wipe your tears with.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I wasn’t trying to be mean I just- well I would like to see you again as well.”

“Really?,” He said smiling, and you swear you could melt from his smile alone.

“Yes, of course.” You smiled back.

He then prompted to drink his cup of tea until it was finished and left money on the table.

“Great then I’m going to leave before I can mess up this perfect first moment. By any chance do you have a pen on you?”

You shook your head yes and looked through your bag handing it to him.

“This is my number, we’re recording until 6 today so anytime after that call me and I’d love to talk to you more.”

You felt your head spinning with how fast he was talking and moving.

He plucked your hand up and gave you a small kiss on it again, he then walked to the door before saying.

“Promise me you’ll call me,” he told you while he grabbed the door handle.

“I promise I’ll call you,” you said softly

“Perfect,” he said while he winked at you and then left.

He gave you one last look through the window and then left, once he was out of view Dayla came to the table.

“Who was that?” she said, collecting her tip that Roger left her.

“His name is Roger. I met him today.”

“Today! You’re joking.”

“I swear Dayla I met him minutes before coming here?”

“He can be a psychopath! And here you are chatting with him after knowing him for 30 minutes.”

That stopped you.

“He is not a psycho he was so nice and funny, and did you see how hot he is Day?”

“Yeah well murderers can be funny and hot.”

“Do you really think he’s a murderer?” you asked in a exsperated way.

“No, I was just kidding he is really hot and besides who would want to murder you?” Dayla said as she wiggled her eyebrows.

“Wow that doesn’t really make me feel better.”

She stood up grabbing Roger’s empty cup “Girl you know I was just playing I say go for it and have fun, anyone would be lucky to have you.” she bumped your shoulder with her hip and left.

Your mind felt overwhelmed with all the excitement from today you even almost forgot that you had some work orders to do you tried to push Roger from your mind as you grabbed your journal and sketchbook from your bag. You looked back at your notes reading on what your client wanted: a floor-length gown but not something too flashy something to show off their arms and their cleavage. Perfect. You spent your time designing the gown having fun with it since you probably wouldn’t have another gown piece for months. After finishing you went on to your smaller orders feeling yourself getting into the groove of things.

Looking up from your sketch you noticed how dark it got outside and how empty it now was in the cafe. You decided to call it a day, well that was until you go home, and then you would start making the gown. You noticed the clock when you were telling Dayla good night. 6:58 Damn time really flew by and then you remembered the number you had in your bag.

The walk home went by to fast your thoughts about what you would say to Roger once you called made you nervous to the point that your keys kept slipping from your hands as you were trying to open the door to your apartment. 

You purposely threw your jacket on the phone hook so you didn’t have to see it and went to the bathroom you looked at your appearance baggy jeans, an oversize t-shirt that you also slept in, hair a mess, and no makeup. You shook your head, no way Roger was being serious about you calling him he was so much more put together and out of your league completely. You could just imagine all the beautiful women that he has been with, no way you could compare. You sighed walking out the bathroom ready to get started on your order. You grabbed the different fabrics you needed for making the gown and when you went to grab your sketchbook Roger’s number fell and slowly fluttered down to the floor like it was taunting you. You stared at the paper hard groaning when you opened it reading that he wrote “Roger <3” following his number. You did promise him you would call…

Your heartbeat picked up when you approached the phone dialing each number slowly wishing a catastrophic event would happen and end the world so you didn’t have to finish dialing. It didn’t happen. You put the phone to your ear and hear the first ring, and then the second. This was stupid calling him in the first place you removed the phone from your ear and were half a second away from hanging up when you heard “Hello?”

Shit.

You couldn’t just hang up now. 

“Hello, is this Roger?”

“It took you long enough.”

[imgoingtocrash]

Made of Iron, Born of Fire: The Fanmix 

by @imgoingtocrash

Listen on Spotify and 8tracks

Read the series on Ao3

AKA: A labor of love for @savvysass’s birthday!!!!

What can I say that hasn’t already been said because we’re both incredibly sappy people in our Author’s Notes? Writing this series with you has brought me so much joy in the last two years, and I never could have hit over 100k words without you. Here’s to whatever we write next in the series...and all of the WIPs we’re working on right now...and only god knows what’s next for us personally and professionally...and most importantly, to you on your Birthday. Thank you for being such a good friend, in both fandom and outside of it. I’m so, so thankful to know you and love you. 🥰

Director’s Cut Below, because we all know I love talking about this series, and yes, that does extend to why I picked these songs. (And also maybe because these song choices only make sense in my brain and hopefully Savannah’s?? Who knows! Feel free to ask questions if you want but let’s be honest this series and fanmix are most importantly for us, because we love the series so dang much.)

My Wildest Dreams by Ron Pope

I spoke in riddles and in rhymes, but my time with you has taught me to simplify, you’re not quite what I pictured you would be, you’re better than my wildest dreams.

We’ve talked about this one before, and I’LL TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN!!!! Ron Pope is so good imo, and this song wowowow the father-child feels, but especially with Tony and newborn Peter a la A Foreign Feeling and A First Time For Everything.

Big & Scared by Raleigh Ritchie

I want to be better for you, let me do that now, you’re my favorite human, so you should be prepared, I’ll help you get through it, when you’re big and scared

We’ve mentioned Tony’s thoughts about legacy multiple times by now, and I think this song really represents Tony looking forward to the person Peter could be become and that “breaking the cycle” mentality of supporting Peter even when he’s not a perfect father.

Legacy of Sadness by Ron Pope

irrational as it may seem I guess I’m sorry, even though I know that none of it’s my fault, it is easier for me to count my blessings, than to cry for every single thing we’ve lost

I have 0 shame putting these two songs by Ron Pope almost back to back because they’re the opening and closing of an album dedicated to his child like...it’s so perfect for Tony and this theme of reflection on who he is and who Peter will become/is becoming and all that entails.

this is me trying by Taylor Swift

They told me all of my cages were mental, so I got wasted like all my potential, and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad, I have a lot of regrets about that

I wrote something...very sad but also soft recently??? and this is for That it’s about pre-CW Pepperony being separated and the road to them trying to come back together including Tony working on himself and I love it!!! It hurts really good!!! This whole song is perfect for it and I can’t wait until people get to read it.

Be Good When I’m Gone by Four Year Strong

I'm sorry I can't stop to listen, but I've got so much to do and I've got some place to be, the house looks like the aftermath of a hurricane, I hope it stays that way

Tony being a busy parent but doing his best to make time for Peter in his life and making that time count has been something super important to illustrate to us, especially the transition from being a CEO to being a superhero and how that changes how Peter sees Tony’s absence over time.

I Won’t Back Down by Johnnyswim, Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors, and Penny and Sparrow

Tony puts on the original version by Tom Petty in Home Is Where The Heart Is, but I think this cover has a very slow, emotional undertone that’s really great too. The interludes, if you didn’t catch it, have all been featured in a fic previously.

Let It Matter by Johnnyswim

So if it matters let it matter, if your heart's breaking let it ache, catch those pieces as they scatter, know your hurt is not in vain

Pepper in Never Tell Me The Odds ALL DAYYYYY. She’s the emotional rock of that fic (and of our Ironfam TBH) and it’s all because she allows herself to feel her feelings and encourages the Stark boys to do so as well.

Simmer - Acoustic by Hayley Williams

And if my child, needed protection, from a fucker like that man, I’d sooner gut him, cause nothing cuts like a mother

Post-Home Is Where The Heart Is...y’all know Pepper’s not that mad about what happened to Obie. Also just Pepper when someone hurts her family?? I always write it as her sort of putting all of her emotion into something she can control and doing it well, so, this song is all about that.

Tightrope by Nia Hendricks

one step after another, keep holding on to each other, don’t look back, move on and let go, that’s how you walk on a tightrope

Pepperony trying to navigate their relationship and the insanity of superhero stuff and also co-parenting. It’s all excellent, I love them so much, I enjoy writing it so much!!!!

Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

Never got the chance, to say a last goodbye, I gotta move on, but it hurts to try, how do I love, how do I love again?

This song is tilted towards romance, but if you’ll remember, we’re a Pro-Tony Survives Endgame AU series, so it’s not about THAT...but well...Infinity War sure will hit something fierce for certain non-romantic relationships in this series, huh?

The Bones by Maren Morris

Call it dumb luck, but baby, you and I, can't even mess it up, although we both try, no, it don't always go the way we planned it, but the wolves came and went and we're still standing

Post-Endgame Ironfam!!! Tony and Pepper married with their kids, their family and HAPPY...THIS IS WHY WE DO ALL OF THE ANGST...FOR A FAMILY...WE LOVE THEM

Carry on Wayward Son by Kansas

Considered Pepper and Peter’s ‘song’, as it’s referenced multiple times in the series, and was one of the bigger solidifying moments of their mother-son relationship as a whole.

Mundane by Hardcastle

And I’ve been sinking into silence, dwelling on my thoughts, and in these months, I haven’t felt that most conversations have left me anything but blue

Peter’s selective mutism was something very special to us when we originally had the idea, and making sure we talk about it and utilize it in the right way is something we’re still working on, particularly with the Therapy Fic we’re brainstorming atm.

survivin’ (One Eyed Jack’s Session) by Bastille

What can I say? I'm survivin', crawling out these sheets to see another day, what can I say? I'm survivin', and I'm gonna be fine, I'm gonna be fine, I think I'll be fine

Spoiler Alert: Peter’s not fine, like, a decent amount of the time. But he’s sure trying, and we love him for that.

Jacob from the Bible by Jake Wesley Rogers

Mama, don't worry, it took me years, to say I'm sorry, to see your tears, Mama, forgive me, I grew up too fast, but it's not on you, it's in the past

Mostly part of Peter growing up to become a hero and realizing what his parents--particularly Pepper--have gone through for him to become the person he is today, but that sometimes he still doesn’t feel like he’s making them proud enough.

Compassion Is a German Word by To Kill A King

Don't be so arrogant, you ain't no different to anyone I've met, we're all the heroes in our own film, or maybe the villain in someone else's

Spider-Man being an excellent superhero boi!!! Being kind and good!!! We love it!! Also, I put a TKAK song on...a LOT of my playlists, because I think they’re great.

brutal by Olivia Rodrigo

And I'm so sick of seventeen, where's my fucking teenage dream?, if someone tells me one more time, "Enjoy your youth", I'm gonna cry

I mean...this song is such a Teenage Mood...I had to do it...

In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning by Frank Sinatra

So, I had this cute little scene in my head that went with this song for SO LONG but there wasn’t really anything for it to fit into so...yeah that’s part 2 of Savannah’s Birthday Gift, a little soft Baby Peter drabble. Fluffy Goop from top to bottom. That can be read here.

Home by Phillip Phillips

Just know you're not alone, 'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

...I know it’s not original, okay? It’s found family, it’s great, I don’t care!

Comes and Goes (In Waves) by Greg Laswell

And this part was for her, and this part was for her, this part was for her, does she remember?

This song is good family angst in general BUT these specific lyrics made me think of Mary and that they never forget her in their lives despite the other stuff going on (because we refuse to let them).

I Have Made Mistakes by The Oh Hellos

I have made mistakes, I continue to make them, the promises I've made, I continue to break them, and all the doubts I've faced, I continue to face them, but nothing is a waste if you learn from it

No one in the Ironfam is perfect, but they all do their best to try and grow even when they’re scared they’ll never be able to. The ups and downs are all par for the course of this series to us.

Easy Days - Demo by Bastille

Cause I don’t wanna fall back again, back into the easy days, everything was so simple then, little fires burned away

Strife is a part of life, and the family in this fic growing through their loss and struggles and moving ahead as a unit to get to a better place is super central to making the fic what it is...but it’s easy for them to remember the old days before being superheroes and wishing it was simple again.

North by Sleeping At Last

Let the years we’re here be kind, be kind, let our hearts like doors open wide, open wide, settle our bones like wood over time, over time, give us bread, give us salt, give us wine

The way Tony went from feeling so alone to having an entire built family that’s so full of love and everything he never dreamed of...*screams into my pillow* I love this series so much thank you and good night!!!

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

[imbellarosa]

Louis Tag Game

@foreverfanficaddict tagged me in the besttttt (read: hardest) tag game in a WHILE!! LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS <33333

Put in bold your preferred song (live version), and then tag 3 people to play! (I will also justify/comment underneath LOL I have Thoughts)

Best Cover: Through the Dark - Drag Me Down - 7 - Beautiful War - Little Black Dress

i think Louis ABSOLUTELY understands the assignment on this song. i fell in love with this one when i worked at the bar in ATX and i would listen to it while I swept, and then i heard louis sing it and i was like FUCK YEAH MAN (this is a bit before i went full on fandom) and now it's just a song that means a lot to me bc life (and i loveeee youuuu but I need another year alone/and i try to ignore it every time you phone/but i never come close). Beautiful War gets an honorable mention here bc 1. Kings of Leon and 2. What a gorgeous and relatable song.

Best Acoustic Song: Only The Brave - Perfect Now - Too Young

MADE 100000% BETTER BY THE VERY VERY CUTE MICHAEL AND ISSAC INTERACTION THAT WE GET EVERY SINGLE TIME THEY PLAY IT!!!

Best Rock Song: Kill My Mind - 7 - Fearless

See above! I'm just super fucking sentimental OKAY DON'T COME AT ME FOR IT

Best Sad Song: Two of Us - Beautiful War - Change

This one reminds me of my grandfather. The last thing he said to me in person was to live well, and the last thing he said to me period is that he hopes we see each other soon. And I'll be living well for both of us, and then I'll see him and tell him all about it. Also is Beautiful War a sad song? Is Change?? I don't think so on either count?

Best "Faith in the Future" Song: We Made It - Just Hold On - Through the Dark - DLIBYH

I think this is because this is what i so desperately want to feel vs. how life currently feels? I am trying to not let things break my heart and i CANNOT wait until i can be with someone loudly singing karaoke and being like 'you know what? we've done pretty great for ourselves'.

Best Crowd Interaction: Always You - Defenceless - Fearless - Through the Dark

I agree with Bells - Walls is clearly the winner and it’s not on this list! When he let's everyone sing "for every question 'WHY?' you were my becauseeee' is an absolutely killer moment in EVERY show

Cover/Live Version That Should Get a Studio Version: Beautiful War - Copyx3 - Fearless - Drag Me Down - 7

I just cannot WAIT to hear a studio version of Copy tbhhhhhh and the other two bc he's fucking amazing at them and the Kings of Leon are INCREDIBLE and they don't get enough love and EVERYONE should go listen to THEIR album called WALLS and then ask me about the time someone i know snuck backstage at a kings of leon concert before getting kicked out! that's a hell of a story hahaha

Song That Should Make It Out of the Setlist:

Hmmmmmm ready to hate me????? Just Hold On I could do without bc it doesn't really do anything for me other than it's fun to jump around to, and then also it would be okay if he stopped singing Drag Me Down that would be really cool actually and then he could put MORE FUN SONGS in like 'Miss You' and 'Home' and 'Steal My Girl' (her kisses like cream her walk is so mean and every jaw drops when she's in those jeans alrighhhhtttt)

AND!! I am tagging @so-why-let-your-voice-be-tamed @adorelou-28 @poppyroxton and @treatlouwithkindness

[padfootagain]

Girl Crush (XXVIII)

Chapter 28: Chrysanthemum

 Well… Here we go again, for a new chapter. I felt bad for last night and how I was leaving you all hanging, so I decided to post a new one today, but… after you've finished this one, tell me if you want an early chapter tomorrow too, yeah?

Hmm hmm… warning for angst. Yeah… that's very angsty. Sorry…

Have some tissues nearby, you might need a couple of those. I most definitely did while writing this.

Hope you like the chapter anyway, and please, do come screaming at me after you've finished it. Tell me what you think about it!

Word Count: 4496

It had been almost a week since the kiss on the beach.

5 days.

116 hours to be precise.

The first notes of the song filled Harry's ears as the instrumentals were played in his headphones, and he focused his attention on the microphone before him. It was quiet in the studio, the lights a little dim, but he could read without problem the words he had written in a hurry on a piece of paper.

He needed to record his vocals to add the song to his album. He had little time left before he would have to end over the final version of it for it to be copied and distributed for December.

Would you be there to hear this song he had written in December?

He hadn't heard from you since the night of your big opening. He was willing to give you space, and was waiting for you to contact him. Harry kept an eye on his phone almost at all times, afraid to miss your call. But the device remained stubbornly silent.

How many hours had he slept during that time? He didn't really know. His exhausted body had collapsed a couple of times, he had then drifted in and out of consciousness, and during these dreamless sleeps he had found little to no rest at all.

He had fucked up.

Big time.

There was no doubt in his mind that everything was his fault, and he shouldn't have kissed you. You were not single, what had he been thinking?

Stupid question, he knew exactly what had happened in his head that night. You were dancing with him, to this song that reminded him so much of you, under a velvet sky stained with pale lights, the soft sand under your naked feet and the waves kissing your ankles in a shushed melody. You were in his arms, so close, so happy, and for a moment he had forgotten – or perhaps rather pushed away from his thoughts – the fact that you were with someone else.

And he had kissed you when he shouldn't have, unlike all those times he had yearned for your touch but had stopped himself.

5 days later and you hadn't spoken to him yet.

He reckoned that it wasn't his place to call you, that you were the one to make the first move. He didn’t want to overstep, didn't want to push you. He had sent you a text that night once he was home to let you know that he would be waiting for your call, that he wanted to talk about what had happened.

He had received nothing but silence ever since.

He was stressed and if he were honest, he was on the verge of breaking. But he kept a fool's hope hidden safely in the depth of his heart, that maybe you'd choose him.

His unreachable reverie was that you would leave Gareth for him, but his reason desperately attempted to temper him and remind him that it was most unlikely. No, what Harry hoped to achieve, really, was simply to keep you in his life. If you wanted him only as a friend, then he would happily oblige. He was used to it by now. And anything was better than to lose you altogether.

So, for now, he was holding onto the hope that you would stay.

He pushed himself into his work to avoid thinking about his fear to lose you, even if everything he seemed able to write these days was about you. Even in his fierce attempts to escape, you always came back to haunt him.

He took a deep breath before he started singing.

 Golden, golden, golden

As I open my eyes

Hold it, focus, hoping

 It felt good though, to sing about you. Hidden in between words that strangers wouldn't recognize, it was the perfect way to tell you everything he had longed for confessing for a painfully long time.

 Take me back to the light

I know you were way too bright for me

I'm hopeless, broken

So you wait for me in the sky

Browns my skin just right

 Of course he had been a damn fool all along. Of course you were too good for him. Of course you deserved better. Of course he had played to the same games as Icarus and had burnt himself exactly the same.

Still... he reckoned that if he had a choice, he would still choose to love you just the same.

 You're so golden

 Because at the end of the day, his life was brighter thanks to you. And no matter the pain, you were worth all of it.

 I'm out of my head

And I know that you're scared

Because hearts get broken

 He would most likely end up shattered, but he had spent so many amazing moments with you too. His long phone calls in the middle of the night, you always beating him at boardgames, the night you had made decorations for his tree, guiding you through London, the karaoke nights, the sun in Jamaica, your adorable ramblings about plants, your collection of scarves, his hoodies you stole from him and the hairbands you left in your wake in his house, your hugs when you finally saw each other after a long time apart, the afternoons spent at the beach with waves of laughter brighter than the Californian sun, your weekends hiking in the canyons and sleeping in tents under the moon, painting each other's nails while watching movies, your shared boxes of tissues whenever you made one of your rom-coms marathon, the long talks through the night around pizza, your eager questions about music, the way you brushed his hair out of his face sometimes, the way streetlights shown in your eyes when you smiled at night, your perfume, your hands often marked with little cuts that you made when making bouquets and cutting flowers, your soft voice above the shushed whisper of the ocean, take care, yeah? and be careful on the road, and the way you had always believed in him and encouraged him to be himself...

No matter if a heartbreak was to follow, he wouldn't trade any moment he had shared with you for anything the world could give nor any peace oblivion could offer.

It was worth it. It didn't mean, though, that it hurt him any less.

 I don't wanna be alone

I don't wanna be alone

When it ends

Don't wanna let you know

I don't wanna be alone

 What would he do without you? What would he become if you left? How could he manage to live on his own?

 But I, I can feel it take a hold

I can feel you take control

Of who I am and all I've ever known

 You had shaped his life for the past few years, for the better. And not because you meant to, but simply because at your contact he longed for growing and becoming a better person. Because he looked up at you and saw the sun. Because he wanted to become someone you'd be proud to call yours.

And as he thought about it more and more these days, he reckoned that he had been, for a part, lying to himself for a long time. He had always claimed that he couldn't control the way he felt for you, and to a certain extent, it was true. He couldn't control the fact that he was in love with you.

But he also chose to love you. Every time he could do something else, he ended up coming back to you. And the answer to why was easy to find.

 Loving you's the antidote

 Now he realized that he had kept on choosing you. Yes, he had made a couple attempts at letting you go, and it had hurt too much for him to handle. Because he didn't want to. Because even when he was letting you go, he was still choosing you over everything else.

And that was why you were the answer to all his questions. That was why you were his definition of home. That was why, when he said that he was going home, he meant to say that he was going to wrap his arms around you. Because you were the one he chose to always come back to.

For all his problems and all the pain, you were the only remedy. And for all his cursed moments, you were the antidote.

 Golden

You're so golden

 It was a little hard to explain, and even he didn't really understand what it meant. On one hand he couldn't control the way he felt, but he also knew that he had never really tried to either, no matter how many efforts he had put in to convince himself of the contrary.

 I don't wanna be alone

 He had always chosen to keep on loving you. And looking back, he would not change a thing. And he would keep on choosing to love you over, and over, and over again.

If he could go back in time and choose to not fall in love with you, he would not take that chance. And he would do it all over again, except for that kiss that had torn the two of you apart. Everything else, he would keep identical. No matter if you felt the same or not, loving you was still what had made him the happiest in his life. So he would choose you then, one more time.

But could you ever do the same?

 You're so golden

You're so golden

I'm out of my head

And I know that you're scared

 Would you ever choose to love him the same way he had always chosen to love you?

 Because hearts get broken

The TV was on to a channel he couldn't identify. There was a movie on, but he hadn't been following any of it, wasn't interested in knowing what it was about. But your silence was way more than he could bear already, he couldn't add his empty home to it.

It was raining in California. While his eyes drifted towards the large window open on a grey sky, his thoughts took him back to the many rainy afternoons you had spent together, playing board games in your pyjamas and eating too many sweets.

Rainy afternoons are better spent in pyjamas.

It was one of your rules. That's why he had one of your pyjamas in his home, and you had one of his at your place. He would have done anything to have you on the sofa next time in your unicorn pjs once more.

He jumped as the doorbell rang. It was probably Jeffrey, looking for him to go back to work. Harry didn't have the strength for any of it though. After recording Golden four days earlier, he had locked himself in his house and hadn't had the strength to get out again. The phase where he was working non-stop was over and apathy had followed. Mitch and Sarah had dropped by to check on him a couple of times, but he had rejected their help.

He reckoned that all he needed to function again was to hear from you.

He got up and went to answer the door, brushing his hair out of his face.

"Jeffrey, sorry I…" Harry started as he opened the door, but he soon fell silent.

It wasn't his manager on the threshold, it was you.

"Hi, Harry," you gave him a weak smile that didn't reach your eyes.

"Hi," he let out in a breath.

"Do you have a minute?"

He shook himself out of his torpor, and moved to the side to let you in.

"Of course, come in."

You were drenched from the heavy rain, and he helped you take off your coat. He disappeared for a minute to bring you a towel.

"Thanks."

"I'll make you some warm tea, you look like you're freezing."

"Thanks, but I won't stay for long."

"Oh… okay."

You shrugged at his answer.

"What were you expecting?"

Harry looked down at his feet.

"Just that, actually."

He walked to the kitchen anyway and put the kettle on, grabbed two mugs and some tea. He also put on a plate some of these chocolate chips cookies you liked so much. He always had some wherever he was, in case you would drop by, in case he could have a chance to share some with you.

"How are you? How is the shop?"

"Fine," you answered through gritted teeth.

Harry took a deep breath, but clearly you weren't here for small talk, so he reckoned he didn't have a choice.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It was out of line," Harry whispered, choosing to dive right in the subject, knowing it was the reason why you were standing in his kitchen now.

"Why did you do it then?" you asked back, your voice as weak as his.

"I… I don’t know."

"Yes, you do. You don't just kiss people like that."

"You did kiss me back though. Are we going to mention that part too?"

He winced at his own harsh tone.

The kettle started to whistle, and Harry poured the hot water, giving him the perfect opportunity to keep his eyes away from yours.

"What do we do about the whole thing?" he asked in a voice weaker than what he had hoped to muster.

"I'm with Gareth. It was a mistake. You know I'm not that kind of person."

"I know. So, let's just forget that all this happened?"

"Can we just forget about it and act as if nothing has happened though?"

Harry shrugged, trying to seem more relaxed than he was, more carefree, when in reality, he could feel the first cracks breaking through his heart.

"Why not? We… had a moment. And we did something we weren't supposed to. We've made a mistake. But we're best friends, have been for years. We can overcome that too."

But you shook your head.

"I don't think so, Harry."

He could hear the tears in your voice before he turned around to look at you, carrying the cups and the cookies to the table behind him. You were still standing, a few meters away from him, and the distance you were voluntarily putting between the two of you was so painful to him. For any other day, you would have been leaning against the sink by his side, stealing a cookie before he could finish to prepare the snacks. Joking around and filling up his kitchen with sunshine.

Instead, you were standing so far from him, despite the two of you being in the same room. He could almost see the wall you were building between you and him. He had spent so much time travelling the world, putting thousands of miles between both of you, and yet he had never felt like you were further apart.

"I fucked up. I'm sorry about it. I'll make amends. But after everything we've been through together, you can't make me believe that we can't overcome one mistake," he argued.

You brushed a tear away from your cheek.

"Do you consider it a mistake? Kissing me, do you consider that a mistake?"

"You're not single. I shouldn’t have done that."

"Why did you then?"

"I… I don't know."

"Don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying to you. I don't know why I kissed you that night. I don't know. I felt… I don't know. It doesn't matter. What's done is done. But we can still make things right."

"How can we…?"

"You can still trust me," he interrupted you, guessing your next question and taking a step towards you, but keeping a respectful distance between you and him still. "It won't happen again."

"I'm with Gareth."

"I know. I know that, and it will never happen again…"

"Do you regret it? If you could go back in time, would you do it again?"

"No, I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn’t. I'm sorry."

But the truth was written all over his features.

He was terrified. He was so scared of losing you, and that was why he would change the past if he could. But did he regret the gesture itself?

Of course, he didn't. How could he? He had dreamt of it for so long…

And there was something painted over his expression that gave it away, and you could read right through him. You couldn’t grasp how deep his feelings for you ran inside of him, no, that was buried too deep in his heart. But you could see that he had truly wanted to kiss you that night, and that he would probably want to do it again.

Would he stop himself next time? Probably. You had no doubt that he was sincere when he claimed to understand that you weren't single and that he had done something wrong. But that wasn't enough. He would still want to.

And as he had pointed out a moment before, you had kissed him back. You had wanted to kiss him as badly as he had longed to kiss you. Your feelings were a mess, and you were too scared of what you would find if you understood what was happening in your heart to analyse them.

"Do you say that because you're afraid to lose me right now?" you whispered, your voice barely strong enough to reach him over the sound of the pouring rain outside. "Or because you truly think that this kiss meant nothing?"

He looked down at his feet, his jaw clenched and eyes filling up with tears. He felt ashamed. So ashamed of himself and the way he felt for you…

His silence spoke more of the truth than any word could, and he knew it. He couldn't hide it anymore. He had done such a wonderful job for all this time, and it was all ruined now.

"I'm sorry," he apologized again. "I… I didn't mean to… feel like that."

"Feel like what?"

He took a deep breath, still fleeing from your intense gaze.

"Like… that… Please, don't make me say it."

"Like you… fancy me?"

He let out bitter laugh.

"Do you really think that I would have endangered our friendship like that because I simply 'fancied' you?" he asked back, brushing a tear away before it could fall.

He sniffed, drying his cheek this time.

"Please… please, don't make me say it. Don't make me say it out loud."

You realized then that you had been hurting him without even knowing. For how long had he been feeling that way? And you had been so blind…

You were with someone else. You didn't have a choice. You were not that kind of person who would cheat or run away with someone else. You were loyal to a fault. Besides, you did like Gareth a lot.

But did you love him?

Yes, you did but…

But did you love him more than you loved Harry?

You forced the question to vanish, and instead, focused on Harry once more. Harry who was crying in his own kitchen because of you. Harry who had always supported you, had always been here for you, and always been so careful to make you happy, and had given you a thousand little attentions… It was obvious now, why had you not seen it sooner? It was so unfair. It would be so selfish of you to ask him to keep up that game he had pushed himself into.

You couldn't let him hurt like this any longer.

"I'm the one who's sorry," you let out, your voice hoarse with tears. "I'm sorry if I've hurt you…"

"You didn't, don't be ridiculous. It's my fault, not yours."

"No one should feel the way you're feeling right now, Harry."

"I'm fine."

"You're not fine at all. And that's not fair to you."

"I'm really sorry. I won't do it again. You don't have to worry about it. I won't do it again, ever, just… please, don't be mad. I made a mistake… I'll fix it. I'll fix this."

You suddenly closed the distance between the two of you, hugging him tight, more tightly than ever before.

And for a moment, he hoped that all was forgiven and would soon be forgotten too. For a moment, he played with the possibility that maybe all would end well, and everything could go back to the way it was before. Because now the scent of your shampoo blurred his senses, and your fingers dug painfully into his shoulder blades, and you were so close to him…

But there was something in your hold on him, something in the way your fists closed on his shirt desperately next, something in the way you brought your cheek against his, that told him that the situation wouldn't turn into what he hoped for.

"There's nothing to fix, Harry," you breathed against his ear. "But we can't just… act as if nothing had transpired. It's not fair to you, or to Gareth, or to me. It's just not fair to anyone."

"I won't do it again…"

"It's not the point. The point is that… I think… I'm with someone else, who really loves me, and I can't do this to him. And it's not fair to keep you as a friend now that I know that you don't see me that way anymore…"

"Don't say that," he interrupted you, finally wrapping his arms around you and holding you so tightly you could barely breathe. "Stop. You're my best friend, I won't let you say things like that. I was a moron, okay? I was tipsy. It didn't mean a thing…"

"You're lying, Harry. Don't do that, please. Besides, you've literally said the opposite five seconds ago."

He pressed his face into your hair, breathing you in. You smelled of cherry blossoms and something else that was impossible to describe but was simply you. You smelled like the place he longed to reach, you smelled like home to him.

"I'm okay with being just your friend," he said, and you knew he meant it this time. "I've never asked for more."

"But you did. That night, you did."

"I didn't mean to. I just want to be your friend. Don't leave me. Y/N…"

"I'm sorry, Harry, but it's the best we can do. For both of us."

"No… there's got to be another way."

"Harry, please… let me go, now."

"If I let go, I'll never see you again, will I?"

You shook your head, tears falling too hard for you to let out any sound this time.

"Then there's no fucking chance," he replied, his own sorrow wetting your hair.

"Please, Harry. For me."

God… he would have done anything for you. Breaking his own heart too…

He had nothing more to lose now, so he reckoned he might as well admit it all.

And he wanted to confess that he adored your eyes and your lips and your hands. He wanted to confess that he thought about you every night before he fell asleep, and he longed to see you again in his dreams. That he never stopped thinking of you. That all he wanted was to spend the rest of his life by your side. That he needed you the same way he needed air. That you meant the world to him. That he saw your face against strangers' features when you were apart for too long. That his heart was yours and would always remain so. That he had written pages and pages about you. That you were so kind he only hoped to match your gentleness one day. That he would anything to hold you in his arms. That your smile was brighter to him than the sun, and your laugh the perfect melody, and your touch worth a thousand sunsets. That he never felt as much home as when he woke up by your side after one of your game nights. That you were, all in all, the best thing that had ever happened to him.

But in the end, there was an easier way to say all this.

"I love you."

His confession toppled off his lips shaky whisper, his voice made raspy by his tears.

"I love you so fucking much. I'm so sorry," he went on, his voice quiet and trembling. "I'm so sorry that I love you. I'm so sorry. I love you so much… Don't go. Don't walk out of my life like this…"

"It wouldn’t be fair to you if we stayed friends. It wouldn't be fair to Gareth either…"

"Leave him. Leave him then, and be with me. Be with me instead. Choose me instead. God, if only you let me… I would adore you, Y/N."

He tightened his hold on you, his breath lost in your hair.

"You said once you would always choose me over one of your boyfriends, remember?" he asked.

"It wasn't the same…"

"I know… I know but… What if we tried? You kissed me back that night. You won't make me believe that you didn't want that kiss to happen too. Give me a chance."

"I can't leave him, I can't do this to him."

"So, you think it's fair to him if you stay with him while regretting someone else?"

You tried to pull away at that remark, but he kept you close.

"Sorry… sorry…"

"I didn't say that I wanted you to…"

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just… I'm just really scared to lose you right now."

"Harry, please let go of me now. I need to go."

"I'll be whatever you want me to be," he went on instead, only tightening his hold on you, clutching your body against his until it was painful to both of you. "Just tell me. I'll be your friend, I'll be your lover, I'll be your boyfriend, I'll be a mere acquaintance, it doesn't matter. Just… please, don't walk out of my life. Don't leave me for good. Please… I love you so damn much…"

But your answer was final.

"Don't forget to keep on following your dream, huh? You'll do just fine without me. Goodbye, Harry. And… be careful on the road."

You softly pushed him away, and he didn't fight back this time. There was no use, your decision had been made, and he wouldn't change your mind.

He would have done anything for you, including breaking his own heart. And that was exactly what he was doing.

You didn't look at him as you walked out of the kitchen. He heard your steps across the hallway but didn't see you pass his front door. He did look at your car leaving the driveway though, one last look at you while you walked out of his life for good.

***************************************************

Taglist :  @ponycake27​​ @horsesreign​​ @xinyourdreamsx​​ @jbluevelvet​@notkeppeki @daynigt-dreamer-stuff @fudgeflyss​​ @stuckupstucky​​@snek-shit​​ @suchatinyinfinity​​@i-padfootblack-things​  @buckybsarmy @heyohheyitsgabi​​@jigsawlover10​​ @emyyjemyy​​ @addictedtofictionalcharacters​​ @staringmoony​​@madamrogers​​ @cronias13​​​ @stylesfics-xx​​ @mellamolayla​​ @mariaenchanted​

[struwwelzeter]

Sonne Making of Liveblog

Before I liked Rammstein I somehow always blended the Rosenrot and the Sonne Video into one thing, I don’t know why, I know it makes no sense, but I still have thise weird memory of that Rosenrot/Sonne mashup in my head, like there is another Rammstein video out there that I can’t watch anymore and it’s a little upsetting.

“Dit hat gar nich gepasst und dit fandn wer dann ganz gut”

- Paul “Abosulte Chaos” Landers at his best, I mean don’t you just love him.

The way Till negates Americas influence on the album with that heartbreaker smile before she even stops talking and Flakes “I hope not” melt my heart. Flake, you hammer and sickle swinging commie, I love you so much.

Schneider is a full on bastard in this and I don’t know how I feel about that.

You know they are all like “the Mutter drama never happened” in this and it’s very questionable, but with Flake I genuinly can’t tell if he’s just bullshitting or of he just kinda checked out and went intentionally oblivious.

Olli talking is nice and he actually stutters a bit?! Very cute.

@theelliottsmiths Till does indeed say Glück auf. If I’m not totally mistaken that’s an old traditional miners greating. I’m not from a mining area and noone here says that but I think so?

Richard is very awkward in this entire segment and I don’t know why, idk but he doesn’t seem like himself? That sing-songing speaking he does there is weird.

I really think alot about how they’re quite a bit older than the average music success story, and how it must play such a role in them making all of this work? The calm Schneider has there, like no, we can’t stress about this is such a 30+ thing, I’m serious, and being young is so overrated.

Oh interesting, they did 16 fps for this. It’s like the opposite of that things where you speed up the sound and then slow down the picture to make it look smooth, and that makes so much sense for dwarfish miner scenes? Now I must watch the video again.

Oh wow. I haven’t watched this for some time and god, it’s baby Joern, I love him!!!

Ok, so I have a massive pet peeve with this video and it’s this: Snow White’s dress. So they put all that effort into the set design, make the dwarves miners which is perfect, Joern is all obsessed with Lord of the Rings level details (it was that time when that movie wrote new standards for historic and fantastic movies), and they just put her ... in that?! It looks like a cheap thing you can buy for carneval and is too Disney and. You have an entire world of beautiful traditional livery to draw upon and you put her in that? What about the snow white drawings by Arthur Rakham for exemple?! There’s just so much better things to draw from than that horrible disney version.

Speaking of Lord of the Rings, the most frequent sentence (probably) used by Tolkien scholars is “suspension of disbelief” which means that the world building is done in a way that is believable because it’s so consistent. Think the Witcher saying Fuck and you wondering if they said that in medieval times (they did, but I digress). You don’t want those moments. You want to stay in the story, and the way the Snow White costume just lacks in quality and detail compared to the dwarves is just. Very bad. Sorry, baby Joern. I still love you.

It’s astonishing to me how Paul just spends several decades laughing about jokes about his size. They still do it, like in Radio. You are a better man than me Paul, because I got tired of those 15 years ago.

They’re all intoxicated or? I can’t forget the story about how they slept there, went to the airport afterwards to fly to ... was it Australia?! and ruined the plane seats with the remaining soot make up. Nasty Punks, all of them, can I marry them please.

I have no comment on the Flake bit. Sorry.

Ok, so is the rumor that the boxer was one of the Klitschkos valid or was that just a rumor because it’s the only boxers germans know?!

Till is so adorable in this, it’s unreal.

Paul and numbers is worth an entire RANT, it makes him such an unreliable narrator.

I agree that it’s the perfect story for the song, which makes me even sadder they went for the disney version looks wise. It’s just. Blasphemy.

It’s such an interesting reading of that entire story, I need to ask my mum about other interpretations, or how that is usually interpreted (she’s a fairytale nerd).

Paul 🙄 I roll my eyes at him, because the way he is here just. It’s just what he’s like but he can honestly drive peace and wuiet loving people up the wall, can’t he.

Paul, you know why you are getting spanked and that innocent act is not going to save you my darling.

Safety concerned Till is so, so, so lovable I just want to hug him and tell him to go back to his kleptomania, it’s all gonna work out love.

Joern has watched the LOTR making of as many times as I have, I can just tell.

Another Jackson movie thing: They used to let Barrie Osborne, the LOTR producer from New Line Cinema’s side play with a camera and asked him to shoot some scenes and the making of so he wouldn’t get in the way of the new zealanders, and occupying Paul with the making of team reminds me of that, good strategy.

“Werkzeugausgabe Lindemann” - something tells me that’s the story of his life.

Ugh. I admire Joerns patience. It does not have to be logical, the mood just has to be right, damn it let the man do his job.

Him saying “Rasselbande” is the most apt and perfect description of this band ever. Rasselstein. Love it. You could losely translate that with something like “little rascal gang” - but it’s not really translatable other than with something you call a bunch of rowdy kids.

Ok so that Rich’s thing is songwriting isn’t news but I am surprised Till says he likes recording, I would have assumed it’s a high pressure situation for him, but then again, “he likes to work hard”, so.

Same about Olli. Introversion personified likes to stand infront of too many people, ok.

Or maybe it’s just the thing Flake describes, so he just got out if the studio and is sick of it, that makes a lot of sense actually.

God Richard in this segment is just. He breaks my heart, he cares so much about it.

I wonder if they were so positive at this point because they got through this album and thought they learned alot, but if I’m not totally mistaken there were still so much tension on the tour that followed that and it just. Makes me sad they didn’t see it coming, glad they’re still here ...

Look at them laughing their asses off!!

Oh no, a Paul metaphor. It’s a thing right, they’re simultaneously really bad and very genius.

God Richard. 🥺 please don’t be that way?Same, ok. Big, fat same.

20 years, damn. And they’re still here.

Ende gut, alles gut. (He’s so cute.)

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #427

“don’t pray for me when you’re the one enslaved”

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? I wouldn't say anything, I'm pretty sure I'd just break down. Do you play video games? Not really anymore. :/ I probably would, though, if I had the appropriate consoles for games I want. You can only replay PS2 games but so many times before you're tired of them. Do you spend a lot of time with family? No, honestly. Is your house more than two stories tall? It only has one floor. Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? I'm not in a relationship, but I have most certainly never hit an s/o, and they've never hit me. I wouldn't tolerate that shit. What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) I'm not. What color is your hairbrush/comb? White. What snacks do you have available in your household atm? Hm. Just some fruity grain and oats bars, as well as cashew ones. We try to keep sweets out of the house. Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? No. Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? Holy fuck yes, she's drop-dead gorgeous. Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? Ha, I'm sure. Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? Some random middle-aged man, like who are you sir. Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? My dad. He can be so rude to people sometimes. When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? Not sure. It's been quite a while. Do you play any games on Facebook? No. What would you like to get a degree in? It'd be nice to get a degree in Arts, but yeah... I'm never going back to school. Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Pretty much every night. Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? Play a video game. Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Almost without fail. You've got to, it's part of the experience. What genre of films do you like the best? Horror. How many bank accounts do you have? None, actually. Have you ever had the flu? No, thankfully. What is your goal for the next few months? To start getting in shape/losing weight. I seriously hope this gym routine works out. Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? I have seveeeere sleep apnea. It's shocking, I never would've guessed it, though, so the diagnosis (I had a sleep study, so yes, it's legit) was an extreme surprise. I don't snore at all, nor do I like pass out in the middle of something, but I stop breathing A LOT. For a year or two (no, that is not an exaggeration), it caused consistent, horrible, and violent nightmares/terrors. It made sleep frightening to me, and I was never getting a truly restful sleep. Now, I have an APAP mask (like a less extreme version of a CPAP mask) that helps me greatly. I only very rarely am surprised by a more subtle nightmare now. Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. No, thankfully. What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for? Quality tattoos, for one. And maybe uhhh... idk. We're the kind of family that buys off-brand foods and drinks all the time because it's cheaper, so I can't say that. Maybe health care? Like I wouldn't want service from a sketchy dentist or something. Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. Charming and romantic. Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? No. You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? That's hard for me to say. She doesn't seem to like talking about her past very much, because I know it's turbulent with her mother. I would say her being disowned, but I don't know how that *actually* affected her. Maybe it was for the better she wasn't under her mom's authority anymore. Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I guess my mom, but she's actually smaller than me now. She's lost a lot of weight and is still going at it. Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Not a house, but rather hay rides and those places you just walk through and experience different stuff. They don't scare me at all; I love 'em. Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? No. Which is worse: dusting or mopping? Ugh, mopping. I don't mind dusting. Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious? No. Did you pull a senior prank? No. That shit is so dumb. Did you graduate? High school, yes. Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? No, and I never would. What was the last song you listened to? I'm listening to Lauren Babic and Halocene's cover of "Bleed It Out" by Linkin Park right now. It's great. Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell no. Is fashion one of your interests? No. Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? Hell if I know. Do you care what people think? Way, way more than I should. Is acting something you enjoy? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I feel so stupid. What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I tore a ligament badly in my foot maybe a year and a half ago. I was SO sure it was broken. My mom had to help me walk everywhere, and even when she did, I'd be whimpering and seething. Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? No. Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No. Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at? If we're excluding all family, I suppose Sara's? Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? Probably at some point as a kid. Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? I played a lot. The only two I really didn't like were soccer and cheerleading. Did you ever watch the show Full House? Hell yeah, I loved it as a kid. Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? Ha ha y'all know I joke about it, but no, not legitimately. It's not like I know him personally at all, and I'm not chasing him to California either. Just let me dream still lmao. Have you ever burned someone’s picture? No, but I've actually heard it's truly therapeutic and not just for dramatic effect, so I wouldn't be opposed to doing so if you handed me a picture of him and a lighter. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? I've never hiked before. Would you ever get a lip tattoo? Uh, no. Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Jason. Do your parents smoke cigarettes? My dad smokes like a chimney and is 100% going to end up with cancer because of it. You should hear his cough. Mom smoked for a very, very brief period before I was born. What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? "Equal in our bones" is on my favorite shirt. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Certain inverts people are wild enough to get, like giant African centipedes in particular. Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Can't say I care. do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? Ha, no. We all have natural first impressions and things like that that just... happen. What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? Nothing, really... besides just childhood memories that inevitably came. My hometown was dangerous. What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during? I'm not sure. What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? I want to say Old Yeller, but I'm not sure. What’s your favorite restaurant? Olive Garden and The Cheesecake Factory. Is there a dessert you don’t like? Yeah; I don't like pie, strawberry shortcake, and I know there're others. Favorite album? Ozzy's Black Rain. It was my introduction to metal, so there's nostalgic value there, but I also just LOVE every single song. What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? None. I don't read books for that reason. Underwater or outer space? Both kinda frighten me to a degree, but I find outer space to be way cooler. So many colorrrrrrs. Dogs or cats? Cats. Kittens or puppies? Ugh, both are so cute, but I gotta hand it to kittens. Bird watching or whale watching? Whale watching would blow me away. Whales are such magnificent, awe-inspiring animals. What is your spirit animal? Probably a deer. Skittish, shy, and quiet. What was your best subject in school? English. What was your worst subject in school? Math. What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? You and Jason aren't going to last, hunty. Who is your fashion icon? I don't have one. I wear what I want/what's comfortable. Diamonds or pearls? I think diamonds are a lot prettier. What color dress did you wear to prom? First one was maroon, last one was black. What’s your favorite plot-twist? Silent Hill: Shattered Memories. My jaw actually dropped. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Yes. Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? Said things I shouldn't. Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad? Yes. Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? Two weeks ago or something like that. Ever pop someone else’s pimple? OH MY GOD NO alskdfa;wekrwer; Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No. Who are you closest to? My mom. Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No. Are you currently sad about anything? A number of things. Have you had any form of exercise today? No, but tomorrow is day #2 at the gym! Can you handle blood? Yeah, np. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No sir=ee. Are you currently searching for a job? Not anymore, at least not actively. I was going to after TMS, but I'm just... still not ready. Right now, I'm focusing on the gym and getting healthy again, but if the seemingly perfect job comes along, I'm not opposed to taking it up. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No, I've got to have breakfast or else THEN I feel awful.

[cthomashoodstory]

Best Years but Not in the Same Way (18)

Calum Hood x Reader

Previous Part

I’m sorry english is not my native language

Masterlist

-

“Hey. How you doing?” You asked Calum while you were on the phone with him. “I miss you so much.”

He chuckled. “Yeah i missed you too, Bar. I’m at home by the way, where are you? I heard people talking on the background.”

“Oh I’m randomly at supermarket right now,” you looked around. “I don’t know i think I’m going to buy a milk? Or cereal maybe?” You even confused why you were at supermarket right now.

He now laughed. “Weirdo. Would you came to my house right after you finished what you’re doing right now? I really want to see your beautiful face.” He flirted at you and now your face is red.

“Yeah sure why not. Do you need anything? From supermarket.”

“Just milk or cereal i think?” He really messing with you and you are both laughing.

“Alright, see you there Cali.” You hung up the call and buy milk and cereal and went to cashier.

After an hour sitting bored-ly on taxi, you finally arrived at Calum’s front house. You unlocked the door and opened it and Duke is greeting you by barking and scratching your jeans. “Hi baby.” You put the grocery to the floor and you carried Duke. “Oh my God, Dukey i missed you so much. And why you getting cuter everytime i see you?” You kissed him and he licked your face. “Alright i have to put you and carried my grocery okay? Where’s your dad by the way?”

By the time you carried your grocery you saw a woman stood not too far away from you and she smiled to you. You were shocked and the grocery fell to the floor. You didn’t realize she was right there watching you talking to Duke.

“Oh my...,” You were bumbling and picked up what was been feel off the floor. And thank god the milk didn’t break off. “I’m so sorry Mrs. Hood i didn’t realize you were there. I was just looking for Calum.” You were so nervous because duh it’s Calum’s mother who you talking to. Then you get up and faced her.

She approached you and you were just grinned. “Saara? Saara Palvin? I’m Joy, Calum’s mother.” She gave you her hand and you shook it.

“Yeah I’m Saara Palvin, and nice to meet you, Mrs. Hood.” Your palm is sweating and you so fucking nervous. Where the hell is Calum? You need a savior so you won’t be fainted. “I’m sorry i went in to the house without any warning.”

“Who is she?” Someone opened the door and a man walked in to the living room. “Oh is she Calum’s girlfriend? Sarah?” His mom nodded. Oh God, he’s Calum’s father. “I’m David, nice to meet you.” He now gave his hand and you shook it. Damn, why this is happening to you? You weren’t ready to meet his parents.

“Have a sit. Here sit with me.” And then you were sat down with both of his parents. What an awkward situation. “So how’s your life? I heard you’re writing song... a songwriter?” His mom asked you.

You grinned. “Yes, I’m a songwriter, and I’m helping co wrote so many songs from any singers and mostly i spent my time on studio.”

“And what about your parent? Your mother?” And now his dad ghe one who asked you.

“Oh... my... mom...,” you stuttered. “Uh... she’s... doing good i think, we’re not living together. I have my own place and she’s living with her new family.” You were regretting when you said new family because it would just make them thinks that you’re not an ungrateful daughter.

5 minutes later, the man you were waiting for showed up from his room. His hair is wet and he carried his towel on his left shoulder. He wore a white vest and a black jeans. Oh thank God. You said it to yourself.

“Hi Bar.” When he realized you were there with his parents, he smiled and you stood up beside him. “They’re my parents, Joy and David.” He put his hand to your shoulder and you didn’t even bother.

Then you gave him a glance. “Why you didn’t tell me that you’re parents are here? I could bring them something.”

He smirked. “They wanted to surprise you. My mom wanted to surprise you.” Then he looked at both of his parents. “I’m gonna go to the studio today with her. Bye.”

Then you and him went to the studio for unknown reason. On the way to texted Mali.

After an hour, you two finally arrived at the studio and met Michael, Luke and Ashton.

“Aye, Mr. Hood and Ms. Hood.” Ashton shouted when he looked at both of you entering the studio room. “Long time no see you since Paris, Miss B.” He hugged you.

You pulled the hug and joined then sat on the couch. “So, what am i doing here? Do you need anything?” You asked all of them.

Michael shooked his head. “Nothing. We just want to hang out with our best friend because we haven’t seen each other like two months since Paris.” Michael side hugged you and Calum just gave him a glance. “Okay okay, no more side hugged Miss B, because apparently someone is jealous.” His eyes were staring at Calum and you rolled your eyes.

“Wait, what date is today? Is it June 10?” Suddenly Luke startled everyone here. All of us nodded and he was just there grinned to you. “Guys, we forgot to have a listening party for our final album to Saara.”

Ashton spitted his drink when he heard Luke saying that. “Fuck,” he wiped the drink that he spilled to his jeans. “How could we forgot about her? It was literally finished at the early April.”

You looked at their faces one by one and they looked so guilty. “Yeah how could you forgot about her?” You confronted them. “Damn she’s pretty upset right now.” You crossed your arms.

“C’mon lets do the listening party today. Let’s find a good property in this room.” Michael and Ashton got up an searched something to be use for this improper sudden party. “I found...,” he paused when he opened a tiny drawer beside a recording room. “Who the fuck has this flower crown? No no, it’s perfect, Palvin use this.”

You gave him a frustrated expression. You honestly felt a bit disappointed because duh you worked with them on this album and they forgot about you?

You took the flower crown and used it. “Okay, let the party begin.” You said it in a unhappy way and Calum kissed your head. “I didn’t even knpw the tracklist.” You murmured.

“Okay since Youngblood as a first track and Want You Back as second track, we jumped to track three called Lie To Me, length 2:30.” Michael explained and he played the song. You sighed as the song played. You lowkey dislike this song since you wrote it for Justin. Of course with the help from them but still, you wrote it for a certain person.

When the song is finished, the next song played. “Track four called Valentine, length 3:17.”

You remain silent during the listening. But sometimes you commented about the songs. You did enjoy the songs, it turned to be the best songs you ever heard, and at the same time deep down in your heart you felt sad and hurt whenever you heard the songs especially for specific songs like Lie To Me, More, Why Won’t You Love Me and Ghost of You. Like this album, their album was your diary that turned into songs. Nothing like songs you co wrote for other artist, this one is different and too personal to you. Of course they didn’t know about it but they probably knew a slightly.

“You cried? During Ghost of You? Me too.” Ashton looked at your tears fell down to your cheeks. You didn’t even realize you were crying because you were too busy listening to the song. Then Calum immediately wiped the tears.

You smiled. “The song is too emotional for me. So you only picked 13 songs?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah it’s for a reguler version. And we’ve added 3 tracks; Monsters Among Men, Meet You There and Babylon for Deluxe Version, and we decided to put When You Walked Away and Best Friend as Target bonus track.”

And then you nodded. “Let’s continue to track 14 then.” You excited to listen to the next songs because you knew there ain’t gonna be a sad songs.

-

To be continued.

Next Part