#please actually talk to a trans person and not a detransitioner

[commanderogerss]

sims team: here’s an update, you get top surgery scars, binders, and a lightswitch!

a patreon content creator’s post that’s in my emails: here’s a link to a subreddit where 99.99% of users aren’t actually detransitioners, the subreddit is deeply transphobic. i also use words like mutilation, which is a dog whistle, and how we shouldn’t give children ideas to have top surgery even though legally, they can’t!

[inqorporeal]

Today it was my turn to be the “you’re the only trans person I know”.

It seems in the decade since we shared an apartment in Georgia, my former housemate (whom I shall refer to as P because there are actually other people on here who also know him from work) has fallen deeply into the rabbit hole of conservative twitter. A little concerning considering this is the dude who freaked the fuck out when a bird hit the house window and set off the alarm, pointing a gun at me when I went to turn the alarm off. No, he should not have had the gun, it was military issue and given to him by his brother, why do you ask?

I woke up to a FB message from P asking for a conversation because a mutual friend, C, had suggested he actually talk to someone he knows who’s trans. Now, considering that a substantial number of the people I made friends with at the White Wolf offices came out as trans or otherwise some flavour of Very Queer, I’m a little surprised he asked me, and said as much. P was dismissive. He didn’t know them, they didn’t work on the same projects. I didn’t work with them, either -- I was on Eve Online, a different IP entirely -- but that didn’t stop us from hanging out together at lunch. But I was the one person on his FB friend list who had made a post saying “GTF off my friends list if you support all the anti-trans legislation going on” so that was probably it.

Would you be shocked if I say the conversation was not so much a conversation as it was P spouting conservative talking points and then recommending I spend time reading conservative twitter? I did engage in good faith but P kept turning it around to the “very disturbing” detransitioner videos he’s subjected himself to. The man is about my age; you would think that he would know better than to just accept everything he sees online at face value and in good faith. Some of his claims were downright outlandish, but he wouldn’t say where he got them from; that’s when I asked C wtf was going on, and learned that P’s been spouting increasingly right-wing talking points on Facebook, which caused a massive argument with a few of our former co-workers, leading to me getting dragged in.

Please. Please please please if you’re going to use an acquaintance for “hey, I know someone from X background/community, you should talk to them” can you at least ask permission before putting our names forward for it, and WARN US what we’re getting into?

[psshaw]

Got some interesting anons while I was hiking on vaycay. I've been thinking about how to answer these for awhile.

Content warn for detransitioner coping. Also me rambling at varying levels of tact. Obvs I'd appreciate any trans or detrans people who have something to correct or add to help this person.

Hi. So. 2 things you’re doing here that I think both cis and trans people mess up at all the time, especially when they're stressed.

One: Listening to other people more than yourself. Two: Looking for other things to blame in a way that stops you from learning from your own choices.

I think I understand some of what you experienced, but the conclusions you’re drawing feel distorted and self-serving. It feels like you jumped from one prescriptive view (girls have to be boys in order to like certain things or talk to certain people) to another prescriptive view (masculinity is something you have to earn and perform in a certain way).

Anyone who critiques what you do or how you present yourself for not fitting a certain term has more in common with a 50s martini dad than they do with a walk-the-walk humanitarian. Personally, I am not interested in defining masculinity (or femininity, which I notice you didn’t claim to also have prereqs for)— I know some soft-ass bitch men who are still men. Standards for gender are arbitrary location- and time-specific rules. They’re also weapons we use to fuck with each other. Imo calling someone un-[gender] is kinda like telling a western teen with an ED that they’re not skinny enough: it's not helping anyone's health or peace of mind. The only point is to feel superior somehow.

I don’t see a point in setting hurdles for gender expression when I can instead worry about demanding unisex reasonable and rational interpersonal behavior.

(I also just find gender extremely boring. I was not raised to care much about who's doing what as what. Gender should matter in sociology, pronouns, fucking, and... that's probably it. Focusing on whether someone is performing something correctly or whether you should buy an enamel pin that says "spacegender" on it are both addictive navel-gazing activities that could be replaced with more demonstrative self-actualizing like making art, joining a hobby/activism community, or reading something you normally wouldn't.)

I don’t think I need to tell you that taking hormones in order to make friends is a very strange thing to do, no matter how young or lonely you are. I think you should check in with yourself ASAP to figure out why you sought out voluntary medical assistance to impress other people. (People who you assumed would only talk to you if you were trans…? So, possibly bad people.) This would never have occurred to me. (I am scared of needles.) This sounds like a tendency that will kick your ass more than just this once.

The nice thing about people is that you can walk away from one and find a better fit. If you're a weird chick, I hope you take pride in being a weird chick. I hope you make yourself hard to replace or replicate. I hope you learn to love unnerving or impressing people as you flip through them looking for the ones who "get" your wavelength. I would personally rather have no friends than to try to please someone who doesn't like who I actually am. That sounds exhausting.

If someone actually told you you can't use "she" pronouns while taking T, that person's a dorky little snot. "Uhhh, the Gender Bible says this is a violation of the Gender Commandments... I'm telling Gender God"— big deal. Gender Spankings and Gender Hell only exist if you believe in them. Fuck the system.

But yeah— you tried something, it was a mistake, and now you have to navigate life with it, like an impulse tattoo or juvenile leg-lengthening surgery. You are not a “mutant”, you just slid around the human secondary sex characteristics scale. My condolences on the beard and stuff. I think the best you can do now is to find a way to embrace it and let it make you an extra quirky gal. You have a dark past now! That means experience! You can use this flub to make yourself into a cooler, smarter person that future kids can admire and learn from, not someone obnoxiously bitter who they won’t even wanna talk to.

The way you describe your experiences/projections, I assume you were born after 9/11. The millennial trans people I talk to don’t talk about gender the way you’re describing. They grew up in the “no homo” and “I’m not like other girls” era, and I think it made most of them pretty "none of my business" about how people present overall. They just wanna be able to go out and be respected and loved.

I’ve noticed that Zoomers have perfected identity-based consumerism and putting yourselves(?) in boxes. I have traced a vague progression: GNC/queer people existing forever while being maligned -> “no homo” shit -> Tumblr wave feminism -> greater LGBT acceptance leading to freer expression (but still mainly via buying clothes and makeup) -> more people realizing you can fuck with gender and see if it solves your problems -> genderfuckery becoming a half-joking recommendation (I've experienced this directly) -> half-joking rehashes of gender essentialism without realizing it -> The Present, where I’m watching the early 20-somethings I know fret every few months about what gender/sexuality/mental health labels they should use, as if there’s going to be a quiz at the gates of Heaven.

Obviously I don’t get that last half. Part of that is because I’m cishet, and I’ve checked in with myself enough to know that there’s no other label that will solve any of my problems. I know that every time I acknowledge an autism semi-diagnosis, it makes me content with my flaws instead of trying to fix them. I would much rather be on thin ice and have to be alert to how my actions affect others than to be implicitly accepted because I called myself something. Again, what in you craves that kind of effortless belonging, even at the cost of your sincerest wants? Do you crave unconditional love, or would you prefer deep understanding? What can you feed to that need instead?

I'm friends with trans people because we share the same hobbies and worldviews. My friends do not seem to care that I'm cis as long as I'm respectful. I like that I can fuck with gender stuff around them and they won't judge. If someone jokes that I'm wrong about my own identity, I do get kinda embarrassed for them, but I also choose to take it as a compliment that they see themselves in me. Nobody can control what I do. I love being a good example and reminding people of all groups not to assume!

I also don't list identity stuff in my bios, so everyone has to give me a chance and guess based on how I act. Then... they find out they like me. >:)

Anyway. I hope you feel better! I hope you make some friends who aren't freaky-obsessed with gender, "critical" or not. I wouldn't mind hearing more from you, but also: I will not debate the validity of transness with you, because I think there are way more important things people do that we need to whine about. Also it puts me in a weird position cos I don't like to yell at anons.

[too-many-muses]

There are many detransitioners who were sure that they wanted the procedures but it turned out they had other underlying issues. Now they have permanent changes to their body and this often happens when they were minors. Blindly accepting that someone is trans isn’t love. It’s idiocy. There’s trans people, and mistaken people. There are issues with the system but you refuse to look into it. Just blindly follow along with the narrative. And even for actual trans kids, puberty blockers are dangerous. Saying anything otherwise is a blatant lie. And studies have proven that 60-90% of kids who have dysphoria end up loosing the dysphoria in puberty. And they live on without any transition happily. Transition procedures are not for kids. You people just instantly take any criticism in bad faith because that’s what you’re brainwashed to believe. You want to protect trans rights? Actually do the research. Prevent non-trans troubled people from making decisions they’ll regret by transitioning, don’t promote drugs that are harmful for kids, and don’t promote violence just because someone disagrees. Don’t use identity politics. Use logic and reasoning.

OK anon, i'll play ball. lets use logic and reasoning shall we.

First, your claim that their are Many detransitioners who regret their decisions. Regret rates for gender afirming surgery are about 1% (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8099405/ from a study of 7928 people), The average regret rate for surgery is 14.4% (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28243695/ a meta study of 79 studies) so i think on the whole trans people are pretty happy with their decision. now obviously my heart goes out to the people with regret but they are a tiny minority.

Second you say "blindly accepting some is trans isn't love" i have to ask, what does this mean? am i suposed to psycho analyse my friends and loved ones despite my lack of expertise? then you go on to say "There’s trans people, and mistaken people." (you didn't need the 's on there that reads as 'There is trans people') this is a meaningless statement that adds nothing, its like saying "there are fish and not fish" uh ok what now.

Next up, "There are issues with the system but you refuse to look into it. Just blindly follow along with the narrative." as far as im aware the issue generally faced by trans people (especially in my own country) is its actually quite hard to get the treatment they want and need. I confess im unsure what narrative you are accusing me of following, so i will assume you mean the narrative that trans people generally live happier more fuffilling lives after treatment, which i have already shown the evidence supports.

Fourth, "And even for actual trans kids, puberty blockers are dangerous." patently untrie, cite your source please.

Fifth, "And studies have proven that 60-90% of kids who have dysphoria end up loosing the dysphoria in puberty. And they live on without any transition happily." I am actually aware of the study you are refering to and the study is actually talking about non-gender confirming preferences (e.g. crossdressing, wearing makeup etc) which is not the same as dysphoria.

Sixth, "Transition procedures are not for kids." for the record i personally agree i think surgery is a big deal and that people should probably wait untill they are an adult to undertake such procedures (an adult is less likely to have complications, probably) however i am not a doctor of any kind so my opinion on the matter is just that, an opinion, and should not be taken with any weight.

Seventh, "You people just instantly take any criticism in bad faith because that’s what you’re brainwashed to believe. You want to protect trans rights? Actually do the research." i hope my breakdown of your message shows that i took your arguments in good faith, and that i am willing to do research into the matter. If i were to take it in bad faith i would assume when you said "do the research" you meant read the right wing news you do but that would be unfair of my to say.

Finally, "don’t promote drugs that are harmful for kids, and don’t promote violence just because someone disagrees. Don’t use identity politics." I dont promote drugs that are harmfull to kids, i am of the opinion that children should not be taking heroin or crack cocaine. I firmly anti-violence and think it should only be used as a last resort, it is unfortunate then that trans people are so often the victim of violence and hate simply for living as they wish as such i think they should take whatever measures they need to be safe.

In conclusion, i find it interesting the side that so often calls for the use of "logic and reasoning." are the side with the least amount of medical profesionals and doctors. I hope you have found my response illuminating anon and that perhaps you can look at your own biases. Of course i know you wont, because that would require an iota of self awareness that transphobes lack. I will never comprimise with you people, as long as your position as at odds with my family's happiness.

Fuck Off

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

Ah yes good old detransitioning. It’s not that common and yet certain people talk about it like it’s the MOST common outcome (not, you know, feeling better about your gender. Which Is the most common outcome of transitioning.) 

Even in the small amount of people who do detransition: they’ve done studies on factors of detransitioning which find that in the majority of cases it’s because of external pressure (not feeling safe being openly trans, being attacked, not being able to access medical care anymore for whatever reason, etc.) rather than the person freely deciding that they didn’t identify as trans anymore. In other cases, the person still identifies as trans but just decides not to pursue medical transition for whatever reason, and this is also considered “detransitioning”. Other people who technically detransition choose to transition again later, when they’re in a safer or more financially stable place or what have you. There are a lot of factors, it’s already pretty rare, and yet transphobes will latch onto like one (1) story about a person who regrets transitioning and be like SEE?? IT’S POSSIBLE TO REGRET IT! THIS IS THE ONLY POSSIBILITY WE WILL TALK ABOUT! Like, okay. It’s possible to regret literally any decision that you make. It’s possible to regret your marriage, Karen, but I don’t see you calling for the outlawing of all heterosexual marriage Just In Case, do I? Yet look at the divorce rates! The stats for domestic abuse! Surely the risk is too high to allow this thing. lol. /s

This is a good post from good old transgenderteensurvivalguide about detransitioning, they’ve got a couple sources. Here’s another, recent study I found via quick google search which supports the “majority of detransitioners do it because of external pressure”: 

but again this is just quick research bc (a point that’s mentioned in the TTSG post!) I don’t like thinking about detransition much just because it is used as a “but what if!!” weapon by unpleasant people so much lol! (This is not the fault of people who, for whatever reasons of their own, do end up detransitioning! Unpleasant people will find any excuse to be unpleasant.) So I haven’t spent a lot of time looking into it. Different sources find different percentages of trans people detransition at some point I think, but it’s always a small number. 

About trusting your feelings, I don’t know what advice to give because I also struggle with that lol. It has gotten and continues to get better with time. When I was preparing for top surgery I’d have moments where I’d be like “but what if I regret it???” and then I’d actually calm myself down and think, okay, do I want to put this on hold and think about it a while longer, make sure I really want to? and the answer was always a strong NO absolutely not, I really want this and I’m excited about it and eager for it to happen as soon as possible! Yet I’d panic over nothing, just because I felt like surely I couldn’t trust myself to be right about something so big. But I woke up after the surgery with this just transcendent feeling of happiness and peace and contentment, and I’ve never regretted it, and I take every socially acceptable chance to show off my chest because I love it. Looking forward to swimming shirtless this summer! already enjoying wearing sleeveless shirts! It’s just been amazing. HRT has been great too, part of me is like “woah that’s different! I need to get used to how my voice sounds and feels different and I sing in a different register now” and part of me is like IT’S STILL HAPPENING TOO SLOWLY GIVE ME ALL THE CHANGES IMMEDIATELY PLEASE AND THANK U lol. Generally been very excited about it all. 

One thing TTSG mentions is that if you’re not sure you want to continue HRT you can microdose and get the changes very very slowly so you have plenty of time to decide if you like everything and want it to continue or if you’d like to stop where you are. As for surgeries, it’s required that you get a psychological evaluation that makes sure you’re in your right mind and fully understand the procedure you’re getting, not to mention the expenses and wait time, it’s not like it’s just something you can do on a whim. 

There’s no timeline on this, you can take as long as you need to to figure out what’s right for you personally. 

Ah yes Christianity. I had a huge crisis over the book Hostage to the Devil by Malachi Martin, a work which claims to be based on real events (I do NOT recommend. and I do not believe it’s anything but fiction) and was like “am I possessed??? is this what this is?? The nice Catholic guy that my church likes said being transgender means you’re full of demons and he’s probably right, right?” and read the catechism and it was like “no you can’t be trans” and it was just. a bad time for religious/gender crises lol. I eventually ended up ditching my religion (as you’ve probably noticed from some of my posts) but I do know several queer Christians who reconcile their beliefs with their identities, and while I was still Christian the way I saw it was, okay, nobody else might see it this way but I know that this isn’t just something I decided to do, or a demonic punishment for not being a good enough Christian. I know this is just an essential part of who I am. So God must have made me this way, and God knows what He’s doing; if anyone else doesn’t like it they can take it up with God. (religious crisis: why the hell would God put me in a church that’s so transphobic tho?? Is he, like, a sadist?? Is his whole church wrong or am I wrong?? am I in the wrong church?) 

Transphobes are also quick to claim that seeking gender-affirming medical treatment is “mutilation”, and yet the same people will generally support allowing plastic surgery to make intersex people seem more binary (even for children too young to consent to receiving such treatment!), and unnecessary plastic surgery that makes cis people feel more conventionally attractive according to their own weird little ideas about gender norms. And cis people with hormone issues can get hormones and nobody raises an eyebrow, but when a trans person wants hormones it’s all NOOOOOO how dare! (I can’t find it now, thank you tumblr broken search function, but there’s a video I really love where a trans woman explains how when people ask about her voice she just says she has a hormonal imbalance. Which is technically true! Trans people don’t have the hormone levels normally associated with their genders! It’s such an easier way to explain it? And cis people can have hormone imbalances and get hormones to treat it and it’s no big deal but I.... ugh you get the point) Anyways. You don’t have to medically transition to be trans, you can do some things or not others, and generally, when you do medically transition, it’s amazing just how much of it is completely natural, is simply just your own body getting a little help to develop in a different direction. Like, HRT doesn’t add anything foreign, it just readjusts your hormone levels (generally everyone already has both types of hormone in them) and that helps your body change. The language transphobes use makes it sound like you’re assaulting a perfect body with a meat cleaver for no good reason. The way I see it, transition is holy and honoring to your body, it makes it more whole and more itself, not less. You can take hormones and not receive any surgeries if they scare you, and your body will still naturally change itself quite dramatically. This is wonderful and beautiful to me and I’m so glad HRT is an option, it’s really life changing. 

Anyways, yeah, it’s a lot to deal with! Good luck figuring everything out, I’m sorry it’s so confusing. I’m not sure exactly what your family situation is like, mine was Bad(TM) so my knee-jerk reaction is don’t talk to your family, pretend you’ve forgotten about it, just avoid the subject so they’ll leave you alone!! You’ve got enough to deal with yourself without them making it worse! But I don’t know what your particular situation is. Again, good luck! 

[asexual-means-no-attraction]

my FAQ:

If you wanna know my viewpoints please click the read more. If you wanna send me an ask please read this to see if it's already answers. Thanks!! (Will be edited as I get new questions asked).

How often do you respond to asks?

I respond as soon as I am able to give an actual genuine response. This can be anywhere from a few minutes to a few days. I always try to wait till I can sit down and really give an in depth reply. So be patient. So long as you're message isn't hate, or have another blogs name in it, I will respond to it. Tho if you're ask isn't lgbt related, I'd suggest sending it to @penny4yathoughts. That's my other blog. This blog is for lgbt discourse specifically.

Why is the split attraction model harmful/why should it NOT be used?

I've answered this a few times in several different ways. Please click one of these (link 1) (link 2) (link 3) (link 4) (link 5) (link 6) (link 7) links to learn more. It's about who you are attracted to. How you experience it isn't a separate identity. By labeling every little part of your attraction you’re doing a lot more harm in the long run. (Here is an ask on demi)

Note: Some of those asks are old so the wording might be odd. But the general idea is still there.

Thoughts on gender dysphoria?

You need some level of gender dysphoria to be trans. Gender euphoria is part of gender dysphoria. And dysphoria has nothing to do with gender roles as it's very much has to do with the physical body and is scientifically backed. That said, it isn't body dysmorphia which I find a lot of detransitioners had, along with problems with gender roles/stereotypes hence why they detransitioned. They deserve help and support just as much as trans people. And yes, being trans needs to be a medical condition because otherwise it costs way to much to transition. I need insurance to help pay for shit. Don't take that away from people who NEED to transition just because you think a medical condition is a horrid terrible thing to have. Which fun fact, it’s not. There is nothing wrong with having a medical condition and being able to say you have one makes it a lot easier to get help.

Thoughts on nonbinary?

My thoughts aren't super strong on this since nobinary isn't nearly as bad as mogai. But I don't really get it and I doubt I ever will. I think people who enjoy the idea of being able to call themselves gay no matter who they’re dating because they’re nonbinary have some internalized issues to work out. Cuz there is nothing wrong with being straight and being gay isn’t some crazy amazing thing. It’s also messed up how people who are gender non conforming are pressured to call themselves nonbinary even tho they are comfortable as their agab. There is a LOT of issues in that community. I'll respect their pronouns tho. (This ask goes into more and better depth about it). (And this ask talks about gender dysphoria for nonbinary folks).

Thoughts of trans minors medically transitioning?

Like any medical transition, it's a case by case basis. I don't have the right to tell someone they CANT medically transition. So long as they have gender dysphoria then I won't tell anyone they shouldn't transition. However, unless it's needed immediately for mental health I always advise waiting until after puberty. It sucks, I know. But it's safer. Again tho, every trans person has their own plan for medical transitioning and they should be planning that out through close consultation with their doctor(s) to make sure they're staying safe. Unless you're their doctor or they ask for advice, relax and let them be.

It should be regulated just like any other med/surgery. As in it's absolutely something insurance should help cover and it's something you talk to your doctor about. It's up to the patient and their doctor(s) on what's best for them. Plain and simple. Hormones are a controlled substance so there are usually more hoops to go through cuz it's a CONTROLED SUBSTANCE. But beyond that I can only really speak on my specific area of the USA where I get my meds and got my surgeries. I know other places are way more heavily regulated to the point where you can't even get help which is obviously NOT good. Making it more accessible isn't the same as giving it out like candy. I do think medically transitioning should be thought through carefully-- but at the end of the day, it's none of my business and I will only support people and keep my own thoughts to myself. That said, there def is some dangerous info about what you can and can't do that's out there from all sides of the topic.

Thoughts on regulations on medical transitioning?

Thoughts on mogai?

Microlabels and mogai are EXTREMELY harmful. They are not lgbt. They'd be fine if it was just some fun thing to do/way to express yourself. But they shoved themselves into the lgbt community and have severely hurt lgbt efforts in not just 1st world nations, but 2nd and 3rd as well. 

Bi vs pan debate?

Bi means all. Pansexuality is biphobic in it's very existence. Bisexuality means attraction to all genders. It doesn't matter if you have a preference or not. Literally that doesn't matter. All that matters is you're attraction to all genders. When pansexuality got popular it got called out for being transphobic, biphobic, and homophobic. And even if you like to say the definition has changed, that is still how it's portrayed in media. So tough luck, it's still a bad label. (Link to ask that has link for more info).

Thoughts on asexuality?

Asexuality is VALID. it means no attraction. I have several posts on this. Feel free to check them out.

Is asexuality LGBT?

I don't care. Like... I have no issue with it being apart of the LGBT community. So long as it's actual asexuality as in no attraction to anyone. The split attraction model is harmful and shouldn't be used by anyone as a serious way to identify yourself. Also, often times in 2nd and 3rd world nations anything other then what is acceptable is all lumped in together. It doesn't matter if your gay, trans, ace, etc. It's all the same to people (and this is from talking to people from such nations). Instead of fighting over who is and isn't valid, people should be working together to help everyone. There are more important issues in the community to focus on basically. (here is an ask I got about it)

So what is the issue with asexuality?

The split attraction model is the big thing that I have an issue with. That and the fact that I've seen so many ace people put down other lgbt people's experiences time and time again for stupid reasons. Like telling gay men they are privileged because they have bad representation in a show where as they have none and it's just??? Please stop fighting the wrong people. Bad rep is worse then no rep. And gay people aren't the people to go after for that! A lot of asexuals seem to have this weird high horse they like to sit on. Not all obviously. But enough that it's caused a problem. They are still not as bad a mogai tho.

Thoughts on the q slur?

I don't have a strong opinion. I'm in a 1st world nations in an area where it's not that big of a deal to say. I understand the word has a lot of history and has been used as an umbrella term for a long time because sometimes it was easier to use. However, it is still a loaded word and many people have bad connections to it. People not liking the word is 100% valid and should be respected. You should make sure someone is ok with it before you use it. I avoid it and tag it when I remember out of respect for followers I know don’t like it and friends and family IRL who genuinely have issues with the word for personal reasons. If you are a decent human being you will not say it around people who don't like it. Like, you don’t gotta change your whole vocabulary for someone, just be a decent person. 

Thoughts on he/him lesbians?

If it's for safety reasons then ok. But the way it's used overall now-a-days is extremely transphobic and lesbophobic. Lesbians are women. And he/him indicates male. It doesn't work. (Here's an ask that goes into more detail).

Is heterophobia real?

Yes it is real. How ever it does not function the same as lgbt phobia. Lgbt phobia works on a systematic and cultural level. Heterophobia only manifests within a toxic part of the lgbt community. (Link to an ask about it here).

What gives you the right to talk about these issues?

I'm a human being. End of story. So I get to research topics and form opinions on them. I was apart of the asexual community for almost 8 years, and have seen first hand what harm the split attraction model can cause to not only myself, but other people I've met. I am apart of the LGBT community and know first hand how gender dysphoria works. I do research on most of the topics I talk about and I will say upfront if I haven't when I comment on things I know little about. Because I believe learning and acknowledging lack of knowledge is a key part of making informed opinions. And anyone is allowed a voice on any issues. Just like anyone is allowed to block and ignore you if you feel like. Hate is never ok no matter the situation. 

Any other blogs?

I have @penny4yathoughts as my other discourse blog that is about a more broad number of topics.

If I have questions can I ask them?

Feel free to send me an ask (anon is on) or PM me to ask questions. civil discussions are fine, but hate is not tolerated. 

Useful shit:

What to expect during top surgery

Link to ask giving advice on getting into discourse

Ask 1 and ask 2 about echo chambers and how online discourse shouldn't be making you upset all the time.

Link to ask discussing questions to ask yourself if you think you might be trans (not a professional. Just things that might be useful to ask yourself).

Link to if you're getting kinda depressed from discourse: ie. Take breaks.

Link about reasons some trans people can come off as really sexist.

The difference between sex repulsion and asexuality.

Tips for dysphoria. (1)

FAQ subject to change/be edited as I decide to add more links, change wording, add questions, etc. Edits will not be pointed out when they happen.

[transmascjfk]

i'm,, trans and hc chihiro to be a male..

i'm sorry, but i don't quite understand how that's transphobic. could you please explain how chihiro is transmisogynistic? (sorry if i come off as rude - that's not my intention and i genuinely just don't understand, though i would like to!!)

What is transmisoginy?

"Transmisogyny is a distinct category of transphobia in that transmisogyny mainly focuses on trans women and other transgender individuals who demonstrate femininity, whereas transphobia is a more general term, covering a broader spectrum of prejudice and discrimination towards transsexual and transgender individuals. Julia Serano states in Whipping Girl that "when the majority of jokes made at the expense of trans people center on 'men wearing dresses' or 'men who want their penises cut off' that is not transphobia – it is transmisogyny. When the majority of violence and sexual assaults committed against trans people is directed at trans women, that is not transphobia – it is transmisogyny." "

Chihiro is written to mock trans women, to say that in reality trans women are secretly men, she is a man who is weak and uses being trans as a way to escape her problems, this is a thing that is also said to trans men a lot, that theyre just trying to avoid the hard parts of being a woman by becoming a man. Even if the writters intended it to be like that or not (which they probably did because transphobia is a big thing that happens a lot, obviously) it's still transmisogynistic. Thats that on that

This is a pretty common transphobic trope actually, the "Turns out this one character was actually from the opposite sex??!!", theres more examples of this in other games outside Danganronpa.

But also her experience is pretty different from other examples, her experiences are way too similar with trans womens experiences.

This is mostly for the cis people who call her a crossdresser and refuse to change their mind, on it, sit down.

Written by a trans man.

Don't tell me whats transphobic and what it's not transphobic if you're cis. Just sit down and read.

Tw: transphobia, transmisoginy, death mentions and blood in the pictures.

The game implies a lot of stuff with her dialogue, it doesn't straight up says "I don't want to be a woman anymore, I'm a man" like everyone claims it does.

[ Alt text 1:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I'm going to get stronger...and accept who I am... ]

[ Alt text 2:

Chihiro Fujisaki: Strong enough so that when someone says "even thought you're a boy" I'll be okay. I'll get better! ]

[ Alt text 3:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I wrapped myself in lies. I'm weak. I want to destroy that version of me forever! ]

[ Alt text 4:

Chihiro Fujisaki: ... I want to change. ]

[ Alt text 5:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I have to change. I don't want to be weak anymore ]

She goes to Mondo not because hes masculine, but because she admires him and his strength. She never once says it's because shes a man or because Mondo is a man.

[ Alt text 1:

Chihiro Fujisaki: Maybe talking to Mondo about it will help give me some courage... ]

[ Alt text 2:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I admire... your strength... ]

These dialogues can be read in two ways, the first one being the one the game tries the hardest to put in your head thats shes a man, all of this guessed by other people btw not what she herself says. Which is really transphobic, because she was written as a trans woman and then theyre like "uh no actually hes a man, because he was born as one but hes a coward so he started to dress as a woman to hide from his problems. Because thats what people do right? People who dress as their oppossite gender are so pathetic, specially men amiright? Ahaha"

Reading it in this way really weird, you're doing a lot of mental gymnastics because you would literally call her a trans woman with all of this if the rest of the trial, that consists of cis people assuming shes a man, didn't happen. And sadly you're following transphobic ideas by this. Because the canon is transphobic and transmysoginistic.

And the other way is just read what she says, that she just wants to be stronger and stop lying to everyone, basically about being cis, because shes not, shes amab (assigned male at birth) and thats probably what she said to Mondo, but most people when a trans person who already passes or is in their transition comes out many people tend to think "oh so youre your gender assigned at birth and not the one you claim to be?", because they don't get what being trans is and they think only "biological gender" is a thing. Basically, misgendering and invalidating the trans person.

I can guess all of this just because of how vague they decided to make her dialogue, not even showing how she tells Mondo about being amab.

What did she said to Mondo? "I'm trans"? "I'm a man"? "I was born a man"? We dont know, because they didn't show it and she died right afterwards and then everyone was like "Chihiro was secretly a man" to solve the case and thats it. A lot of people in the discourse get their information from Monokuma who isn't either Chihiro or even Mondo. Monokuma knows many things but he can't read minds to know if she was really trans or not, only she could say it but she died so she couldn't explain if shes trans or not.

[ Alt text:

A youtube comment by Gail Frisbee, posted 4 days ago, this comment was edited by the autor. The comment says:

"It's honestly increible to me when people try to argue that a scene in which a female-presenting character gets their genitals groped and then is posthumously referred to as a male from that point on can't be transphobic just because that character calls themselves a boy in some other side content later. It's on about the same level of intellectual honesty as claiming that Quiet from MGS5 isn't really fanservice because she totally breaths throught her skin you guys.

As it turns out, if you really dig down deep into the lore, Chihiro is a fictional character and the same people who wrote the genital investigation scene also wrote the lines that character says in the game as well. It's a shocking twist, I know." ]

Her fears of being outed and people founding out her secret (being trans) or being transphobic is used as a gross big twist. A trans woman being used as a mockery of trans people? Great totally normal (/sarcasm)

Read this post made by a trans woman. I'll be using this only part but it's still a great read.

[ Alt text:

So. There is a lot to unpack here, but I want to start with something that specifically hurts me as a trans woman, and that's how the game flippantly uses real world horrors trans people face as shocking reveals and twists. You can go down the list for "worst nightmares" of trans people incluiding:

Threatening to be outed against your wishes

Outing yourself to a trusted friend and being met with rejection, or worse, violence

Having your body and privacy examined and invaded

Having your deadname used and being misgendered after death, when you can't correct them ]

Now, let's go to her backstory for a bit. I will be using the wiki for this. (Which sadly uses he/him for her 💔)

" When Chihiro was a child, he became the subject of harassment and bullying. He was always told to "be a man" and that he was "so weak despite being a boy", and because of that, Chihiro slowly but surely began to develop a "weakness complex". In order to escape the bullying, Chihiro began to dress as a girl so that people wouldn't bully him as a weak boy. "

This doesn't sound like a normal crossdresser, this sounds like a trans woman who was bullied for being different when she was younger, like many trans people, and then she decided to transition because she's a woman, she wanted to be more feminine and stop being seen as a person shes not. Specially after so many people tell her to basically man up when she doesn't want that, because shes not a man.

Have you ever heard of the classic stories of "since I was little i knew i was different, i was a boy who liked playing with dolls and was more feminine than the rest" or "i used to be a tomboy when i was little, i had mostly male friends, i liked playing with car toys and was more masculine than other kids" coming from trans people? This just sounds as these types of stories to me.

People also like to say that alter ego uses he/him pronouns and says shes a boy. Many trans people can misgender themselves for personal reasons too guys, she could've been trying to misgender herself because she didn't felt like she wasn't enough to be a real woman, this happens a lot to trans people. If people constantly tell you that you're not actually transgender or you just feel like you're faking it then you might actually believe it, thats were most "detransitioners" come from. And thats basically what they made her, a detransitioner.

Some of you might also don't get how shes trans because you think she doesn't perfect or exact trans stereotypes. Trans experiences can be similar on the feeling of not fitting in, dysphoria, etc. But trans experiences, stories, transitions and complete lifes can be very different, because we all (including cis people) live different lifes, experience, process and cope with things differently. So i can understand why you might not get her being trans coded at first, don't worry. But try instead of just not caring because you don't get it at the first try, to see what trans people say.

This whole discourse its mostly cis people talking over trans people about their own experiences (incluiding the dead trans coded characters experience) saying if theyre valid or not and denying stuff not wanting to learn anything, completely refusing to it because "In canon hes a boy" ok then in canon shes written in a transphobic way too but most of you don't care about that. You would rather call her a crossdresser than try to acknowledge how obviously trans coded she is and how thats used as transphobia.

The way most cis people act in this discourse is very transphobic to me to be honest, if you think you're a good ally but act like this then you should get more educated on the topic as a whole and about trans people too.

-the trans Chihiro flag to finish this up, she has a bit boobie! good for her! good for her.

[sapphos-darlings]

I’d really like some advice or even just shared experiences on what it’s like to be a dysphoric lesbian. I thought that a person needed to be trans to be dysphoric, but after a lot of thinking, I’m pretty certain I’m not trans. But the dysphoria throws me off. I didn’t think this was possible!! Dressing in a masculine way helps a lot, but that then leads to people asking me if I’m actually a woman 😖😖😖

Hey, Sade here, I’m the resident trans/dysphoric mod. I’m bisexual, but hopefully that doesn’t muddy the answer itself too much. Mod Lavender is more than welcome to chime in too, nudge nudge.

Anyways; this may be offensive to a lot of people, but dysphoria doesn’t equal being trans. You can be dysphoric and choose to never transition, and therefore you’re not trans per se. You’re just dysphoric. Transition is a means to cope with dysphoria, a means to easen it, but a lot of people never completely get rid of it. For me, I’m both trans and dysphoric - because I transitioned, socially and medically, but I was dysphoric before I identified as trans, before I knew what being trans was, before I had words for it, and well before I made any decisions to pursue transition of any kind. You know? I think it’s a sentimental difference but for me there is one. Just the way people can say you can be trans without dysphoria, then the alternative must also be true.

There are plenty of people who choose to live as their birth sex and never transition even though they have dysphoria. It’s possible to find other ways to live with that dysphoria, especially because there’s no surefire way to ever be rid of it either way. It’s not a nice thing, nobody’s saying it is, but what works for you personally doesn’t have to be a ready made solution. In fact, there are detransitioners who are very much dysphoric, but found out that transition was not the right way for them to live with it.

You have to make your own way through it, basically. Trial and error. Our society is really tough on gnc people, and right now it’s easier to assume someone’s trans than it was before because there’s awareness on trans people and so many of us have come out recently so it’s like - people make the connection between a gnc appearance and behaviour and being trans, and they assume that must be the case. There’s so much less representation for other kinds of dysphoric or even just generally gnc people out there, but a lot of talk and focus on trans issues, so it follows naturally.

Don’t let that fool you. You decide who you are and you are the ONLY person who knows what you want and what works for you and what doesn’t. If for you what you want, and how you want to live and what you want from your future, doesn’t involve transitioning socially or medically, you are perfectly fine as you are. Don’t let anyone push you into making decisions that you don’t want for yourself, and don’t let anybody tell you who and what you are. These things are for you only, and there are as many ways to live as there are people on this earth.

Don’t hesitate to make things easier for yourself though - wear the kinds of clothes that you want, be the person that you are without trying to fit inside a given box or please anybody. You are not wrong for being the way you are and feeling the way you feel and doing the best that you can with the knowledge you have of yourself to make it easier on yourself. Being a lesbian is ok. Being gnc is amazing. Society might be confused by you, but that’s just because they don’t know any better. Every time you go out and someone asks you if you’re really a woman, and you answer them, you’re educating a part of that ignorant society. Your presence and choices matter. It can be tiring, but your experience is just as real as someone else’s.

Transitioning is not the only solution to dysphoria. I’m saying this as a person who transitioned and found it to be the right thing for me to do. I’m also detransitioned in every sense of the word except for the words I use for myself, because I wanted to preserve my health and because my dysphoria is now manageable without HRT and passing. There are so many ways to live as your authentic, true self, and nobody’s path is the same as another’s. You have to figure out what’s right for you specifically. One size does NOT fit all.

[barbiefaeg]

Gomna talk about gender skip this one if u don’t wanna hear more venting n complaining that i could fix but refuse to. Or like some internalized transphobia stuff. Love u take care of yourselves kiss kiss ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Ok so I’m angry i don’t look like a man, masculine, general word that describes secondary & primary sex characteristics that most ppl would say “that’s a man” to. but detransitioners say those things too, that they were jealous not dysphoric. But I’m so sad. So sad when I think that im wrong. It’s not like I couldn’t live as a woman but im tired & maybe bored?? Of doing that. It’s not uncomfortable it’s just incorrect. But I couldn’t actually give you any logic reasons as to why I’m a guy. But I work off of logic & intellectualizing emotions. And I can’t do it so I’m just. *Brain malfunctions.* And like. People will ask. Even if y’all won’t, which I appreciate don’t get me wrong. But people in my physical personal life will ask. And I’ll have to be like. Yes, correct, there’s literally no reason for you to think I’m uncomfortable being a woman based on how I act and sometimes dress. But also the fact you think that I’m not uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable. Like yes. I’m still a guy I can’t in any way justify that to you and that also makes me feel dead inside.

I just feel like most trans people can say “ya I knew for these reasons” and then they have specific reasons (even if like yeah, we know the reasons aren’t actually inherent to a given gender theres just something). “Ive always felt…” “I categorized myself with…” I don’t have anything but a general, vague, I just fucking know, okay? I’m just a guy. Just please god. Accept my word on this. I’ve tried to come up for answers for you and I can’t I’m sorry. I also want reasons. For myself, yknow. I want to say “I knew I was a guy because I wanted to play soccer with the boys in 7th grade” or whatever the fuck. “I knew I was a guy because puberty was traumatic” I don’t even remember it really. It just sorta happened and I accepted it. oh well. Or “I thought id grow a penis” or “id stand to pee before I Understood (tm).” I don’t have anything. I can’t justify it. But I wish I could.

[werevulvi]

I kinda just wanted to make a rant, to lay out why I feel so iffy about trans women and hopefully get a better understanding of my own feelings and what the fuck is brewing under that surface. There has to be a reason. This post is analytical drivel, not a debate, but by all means, feel free to respond or otherwise talk to me about this. Let's take it from the beginning and then go from there.

Part 1 Detransition:

So, I began detransitioning roughly 2 years ago. That's where my feelings about the trans community as a whole began to shift, and with that my feelings about trans women. At that time, I was still active in a truscum group and came out as detrans there, after having been known and looked up to as a trans man there for over a year. At first I was accepted, but when I started having doubts about wanting to get rid of my beard, and felt like I wanted to embrace my body hair and deep voice... people there started acting like shit towards me. They told me that my biological sex still being female did not matter, that I was essentially a man and had to detrans medically to be considered a woman again. That hurt badly.

Shortly after that, I was also told that because I was medically transitioned, trans women were "more female" than me. That was like the last drop that made the goblet pour over. Fuming, I started saying that I'm more of a woman than trans women can ever be, even if I keep a full beard, because they'll never be truly biologically female, no matter how much surgery they got. I was hurting by their cruel words, so I stuck it where it would hurt them the same. (I’ve always an “eye for an eye” sorta person.) That's when people started telling me that I hate trans women, but I felt like that was a misunderstanding. That I was just acting out, out of sadness, grief, anger, panic, and having my gender denied for the sake of validating trans women's genders.

But were they right?

Part 2 Gender critical thought:

Over time, I got exceedingly gender critical and fell into radblr. I also read/watched content that "exposed" transgenderism as a scam, most of which was articles and youtube videos from conservative right wing people, and Christians. I had joined an fb group for detransitioners, and the creator, a "born again" Christian detrans man, happily shared all the many sources he had on how transgender was all a scam from the start of its movement. I felt somewhat sick consuming those links, but probably equally intrigued. But at the same time, I kept a foot in the trans community, starving for attention, even though I was never good enough for them anymore, unless I lied and said I'm not a woman. What a sick twist of fate, I felt.

Part 3a Sexuality, from a lesbian view:

Sometime around that, I struggled with my sexuality and after a lot on inner search, I came to the conclusion I was a lesbian. I felt as though I was only attracted to the same sex as myself, including trans men, but felt nothing worth praising towards males, including trans women. That led to yet another rabbit hole that I tumbled down into. I became convinced that majority of trans women were lesbophobic predators, and I had some shit luck on dating apps. Most people who approached me there were gnc males; transvestites and trans women. I almost went on a date with a good-looking trans woman whom I had mistaken for female, because I felt guilty for having lost attraction to her the moment she told me she's trans and post-op. Luckily she canceled our date for unrelated reasons. I felt like because she was attractive to me before I knew she's trans, but felt completely uninterested in her after the fact, I couldn't possibly be attracted to trans women.

Part 3b Sexuality, from a bisexual view:

That, of course, is not necessarily a bad thing. But I kept asking myself why. Especially since I realised my error in my sexuality calculations, and upon correction discovered I'm actually bisexual after all. I still find women and transitioned females attractive, and in addition to that also men in general, and some vaguely transitioned males. Except from trans women. That odd little inconvenience stood out as a sore thumb which I couldn't stop scratching. Why? I kept asking myself. Why not trans women?

My question dug deeper than just to attraction. I don't think I feel iffy about trans women because I'm not attracted to them. I think it's the other way around.

I never had to convince myself to be attracted to trans men. I discovered early on in my own transition that some other trans men were really hot. That was it. I later on dated a trans man whom I was head over heals in love with. That confirmed it. I've been questioning my attraction to standard men and women far more than I ever questioned my attraction to trans men. It was that obvious, that clear. However, when it comes to trans women I was always the complete opposite. That no matter how I twisted and turned it, I only ever felt revulsion at the thought of being sexual or romantic with a trans woman. No matter how well or badly they passed, no matter how aesthetically pleasing or how charming their personalities.

I wanna clarify that I'm not at all forcing myself to be into trans women. I'm just trying to understand why, so that I'll no longer feel bad about my lack of attraction to them. Because I cannot accept things which I do not understand.

Part 3c Sexuality, digging for answers:

At first I thought, maybe I'm just not all that attracted to femininity. It's not like I typically get super into hyper-feminine natal women either, and fake tits and faces with a ton of plastic surgery has always made me queezy. No, I seem to have a strong preference for masculinity in partners, regardless if they're butches, other masc bi women, trans men or kinda standard masc natal men. So then it just kinda makes sense that trans women, whom are often hyper-feminine, just don't fit that image. Except... that one trans woman I almost went on a date with... she looked like a butch. I mistook her for a natal woman partly because she had short hair, no makeup and wore what looked like men's clothing, but I could see she had hips and tits, and her face looked naturally female. But I still wasn't into her, because she's trans.

Then I thought... okay, that one checks out, but maybe I'm just creeped out neo-vaginas? Yeah, that must be it! I'm almost equally creeped out by neo-penises too, but most trans men don't get bottom surgery anyway, so it hasn't been much on my mind. But then I thought: okay, but what about trans women who choose to not get bottom surgery then? I am attracted to dick. Nope, still uneasy at that thought. I started comparing men who are just very feminine, to trans women, and noticed yeah I don't actually feel half as iffy about men who are just feminine. A man in a dress and makeup can actually be very hot, to me. And I've always preferred long hair on men. But I prefer them still looking clearly male underneath that, although I don't mind a few androgynous features here and there. But I’m only into it if they don’t act like their affinity for femininity makes them women or non-binary, or if they’re feminine in a way that mocks or sexualises womanhood. So I’m not into tacky transvestites in over-sexualised lingerie. At least try to be tactful and elegant, please. So, it’s not male femininity per se that puts me off. If there’s any femininity I’m actually into, it’s male femininity. Because gender non-conformity is attractive to me. And I love the idea of being a strong female protector and girlboss of a gentle, delicate, feminine man. At least I like fantasising about that. (But enough about my daydreams.)

Part 4a Womanhood, biology and identity:

Somewhere after having gotten that far in my digging, I started getting close to finding my sore spot: trans women's view on womanhood.

As for myself, my own view of womanhood is completely detached from femininity. I'm just like... I can even have a full beard and bass voice, a flat and hairy chest, and still be a woman. Because I'm simply bio female. Trans women tend to very often think that they need to "pass" and with that comes a certain look: high voice, no facial hair, no body hair, big breasts, curvy hips, etc. All of which are features that I'm dysphoric about having on my own body, but admire in other natal women. But on trans women, it's like I feel uncomfortable about those kinda features on them. Like to me being a woman is just dealing with having developed that way, or not dealing with having developed that way. Where as for them it seems to be actually striving for developing that way, and I guess that causes my brain to short circuit. Cannot comprehend.

Part 4b Womanhood, fragility and validation:

My womanhood is kinda fragile. I admit that. I'm quite insecure as a woman, because of my transition and masculinity. I feel like most of my womanhood has been lost, which although I'm fine with, I still grieve. I grieve it because I was a bit of an idiot when I first transitioned and had not yet processed my trauma - not because I regret looking like a man. It's complicated, but basically... I feel as though my womanhood is hanging by a thread, which is my genitals, reproductive system and chromosomes; all of which are either mostly hidden or always invisible.

I'm often met with disbelief and disagreement. People either saying "You're not a woman because you can't possibly be female. You look too male." or "You're not a woman because you medically transitioned. You having a uterus is not enough to make you a woman." and it gets to me. And then there are trans women... some of whom do not even need to put on a wig to be instantly validated as women by just identifying as such. Others thinking that because I look like a man, they refuse to think of me as a woman. And that... pisses me off.

There have been a few trans women who in some utterly failed attempt at being supportive of me have said I'm like a nonbinary person who is half male and half female. That's not a lot better, but thanks for trying... I guess.

Part 4c Womanhood, dysphoria and misogyny:

I think that might be what gets to me about trans women. All of it. This entire list of things. That some of them are lesbophobic predators and have absurd claims of what being female is, that others mock womanhood, and yet others view themselves as somehow more female than I am. The genital factor and the slight creepiness of plastic surgery. Their view of womanhood as an identity and my view of it as a biological sex. I keep ending up in fights with trans women about these sorta things. I can't keep a lid on my frustrations no matter how hard I try to just see them as people with dysphoria and opinions that are different from mine. I cannot find any fucking solidarity between myself, as a dysphoric natal woman, and trans women. I feel like they're making mockery of my sex, my dysphoria and my struggles with misogyny, as well as making me feel like shit about something that I love about my body: my transition. I have no common grounds with them, and whenever they try to find solidarity in stuff like misogyny, I feel like they don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. I have a huge bone to pick with them, on multiple levels, and I don't even know where to start or where it ends.

Part 4d Womanhood, jealousy:

But a lot of it comes from jealousy. And I think it's mutual. I'm jealous of their ability to access female only spaces despite being male, which I cannot access despite being female. I'm jealous of their ability to be accepted as women. And on the other side, I think they're jealous of my reproductive ability, and my female socialisation, which I'm not like super hyped about myself, although I do love my pussy (she gives me great orgasms.) I'm jealous of their ability to claim womanhood without even trying to pass as female, because people are quicker to accept the woman-gender-identity than the woman-bio-sex. But likewise, ironically, I sense that they're jealous of that I can claim the "woman lane" despite looking convincingly male, because I'll always be biologically female, no matter how insible my sex is.

They cannot see me as a woman, because of my transition, without looking at themselves as men, no matter how far they transition. And I cannot see them as women, no matter how far they transition, without labeling myself as a man, because of my own transition. I think that about nails it.

Part 5 Conclusions:

I don't think it's true hatred, but rather insecurities both from myself and from them. Because we cannot both exist as women under the same ideology. One of us has to be considered a man, and neither of us is willing to fold on that. Ultimately... I am a threat to their womanhood, as much as they are a threat to my womanhood. And that tension is so thick... not even a knife could cut it. I guess the sad thing is though, that I think that tension is unnecessary. I am so unlike trans women that we could potentially bond based on how different we are. Because there is a lot of similarity in those differences, if you really think about it.

But no, I do not wish them harm in any way. Despite the vast array of insults I sometimes hurl their way. That is really just in response to them insulting me. I do not think they're doing anything wrong by transitioning, or even necessarily by identifying as women. I think, if they had just been more like "I can see you as a woman despite having transitioned, because deep down you like being female and having a pussy... kinda like I'm a woman because I wanna have a pussy, despite having been born male" I would have been much quicker to embrace them. Because that, I could get behind; but they can't.

So, there is no solidarity. It remains an endless fight. But I feel like it's not just on my part. I have tried. I do try. But they're not willing to meet me halfway, and that makes me go to attack in self-defense, which makes then go to attack in self-defense.

[ghost-r0t]

“The Grand Discovery”

here it is, the post that has been sitting in my queue for months now. i’m finally ready to share this with the world. consider this a very long coming out post.. or should i say.. un coming out post?

long read under the break,, enjoy

Chapter One : The Initial Thoughts

okay, so, i’ve been out as trans for years now. i have gained so much support from my peers and loved ones, but nothing has ever truly felt right. i thought that being called he felt right for me, but i was still having small doubts towards my identity. this led to various mental health issues, and caused me to lash out at others if they didn’t call me what i was asking to be called. it’s frustrating, i know, but please never do what i did.

anyways, i lived on with my life, going by he. this year would mark five years of me being out as of today.

Chapter Two : Questioning

i have experimented with many terms, but none of them have ever seemed to fit. i changed my name and labels a lot. it was hard for others to catch up with so i eventually got frustrated and decided, “okay, i’m ryan now. i’m a boy. nothing is going to change this, this is who i am.” well gee, was i wrong. i stuck with ryan for a long time; over a year now. people called me ryan and respected me, but it still didn’t feel right.

i wanted more than anything to do feminine things and present the way i wanted to, but i felt like something was holding me back. perhaps it was the childhood trauma associated with womanhood and my general insecurity. or maybe it’s the fact that i’m a part of the transmed community and many detransitioners are seen as transtrenders or jokes.

long story short, i was unhappy. i thought that identifying as male would be what finally made me happy, but if i’m being honest, it made everything worse.

Chapter Three : The Realisation 

okay, fast forward to now. i usually stay up late at night and think about things in the future. it’s not good for me because it usually leads to me being sad and shit, but i can’t help it. anyways, i was thinking about what i’m going to do with my life in the future, which led to me thinking about starting testosterone, surgery, etc. i. did. not. like. this.

before, i was begging to start testosterone, claiming “it was the only thing that would make me happy” when in reality it was literally the opposite. thinking about testosterone made me so upset that i would cry, but i thought nothing of it until now.

Chapter Four : Acceptance

i started to become way more comfortable with people calling me she, whether it be customers i’m serving at work, family members, even people accidentally misgendering me. this was what i wanted. this was what i wanted to be called, i just felt like i was in too deep to do or say anything about it. if i’m being honest, i still feel like i am.

my boyfriend and i had had an argument over what i identify as a while back, which led to me not wanting to talk to him about my mental health regarding my gender, out of the fear i would be made fun of or something. (don’t say anything bad, he’s apologised and i’m not upset or angry about it at all! i love him more than anything and i’m glad he chose to voice his concern about what i was identifying as instead of being uncomfortable referring to me by different pronouns than what he had been made aware of.)

it got to the point where i was literally hoping at least one person would call me ma’am per day because being called sir was literally starting to have a negative toll on my mental health.

Chapter Five : The Great Discovery

so here i am, right now, coming out to everyone for one last time. i feel like you don’t know the real me, so i’m going to reintroduce myself real quick for everyone.

hello! my name is ryan isabella and i’m an aspiring artist and musician! i go by he/him she/her pronouns and i am bisexual. i enjoy indie music, steven universe, and clowns. 

so, yeah, that’s now out of the way.

i guess it’s fair to say i was wrong. i had it so ingrained in my mind that i’m trans that i didn’t think to stop and think about what was actually making me happy. and being female is what was making me happy.

thank you to everyone who read this, it really makes me happy that you want to hear my story.

i can’t wait to share the real me with all of you :)

[positivityforlesbians]

Hey. I know your blog doesn't deal with this, but I really need advice and I've been following you for a while. I've identified as a lesbian for a few years, and it never felt right to me. I've recently realized I've had sex and gender dysphoria from an early age, and that was a reason it didn't seem correct. I am really interested in transition for myself, but I'm worried how my other friends will see me, and I'm worried they'll believe I'm becoming some tra. I'm so lost and I'd value your word

Hey ! This will be a long and honest answer, as you said you value my words on this topic. So here’s a short message to my followers : this has little to do with actual positivity for lesbians and the opinion presented here is maybe not what you encounter everyday but nonetheless it’s an opinion shared with many, some trans people included, and this is a very difficult ask to answer for me as a lesbian, if not the most difficult one. So don’t read this answer if you just seek light-hearted posts.

Transitioning is not a light thing, i’m pretty sure you know that already but i’m putting the emphasis on it because we’re facing a huge wave of detransitioners now, it’s something that we never saw before. It’s because too many people thought it would be good for them but it turns out it wasn’t and now they regret their initial decision and they can’t exactly undo all medical and hormonal changes they went through. I don’t want this for anyone, even my worst enemy (sending full love to detrans wlw out there). I used to have (gender) dysphoria myself and i’m glad i didn’t act on it because i would be miserable right now, this is why i’m telling you this, anon. Transitioning into a trans man is hard on the body (obviously), it doesn’t make you into a soft boy or an androgynous handsome man with a lower voice (how i wish i could have a lower voice ugh), it makes you into a whole ass man (but never a male) one that will have hair everywhere and a recessing hairline, one that will be perceived as a man by other women and will lose the way women look at women (alias, reassurance and lack of fear) and instead they will see you as a potential threat walking in the street. A trans man who is same-sex attracted lose the warmth of lesbian culture, how wlw look at other women (this time the look i’m talking about is lack of fear + potential desire), it’s a deep loss. I’m telling you this because i read what homosexual trans men write and what detransitioners write, grieving being seen as part of the wlw is one of thing i’ve seen multiple times - even though they perfectly knew before taking T that they would probably lose this sense of belonging. 

Ultimately it’s your choice, you are the only one who can decide for yourself. Maybe you do not care about losing that special connection to wlw, maybe you would do it even though there are increased risks of cancer and plenty of health problems. You guessed it, i don’t want to sugarcoat this and minimize what transition is, too many gender “therapists” don’t do their damn job and let teens and adults with other conditions or disabilities (whose symptoms are mistaken as results of gender dysphoria when that dysphoria is actually a result of other conditions/ disabilities, i’m talking about depression, ad/hd, autism > i’m autistic myself, etc) go into hormone replacement therapy and they just not actually care to help the person with dysphoria. Because of all this i cannot just say “hey you’re valid, do whatever please you !” There’s too many things at risk and too many people with internalized homophobia/ are simply gender non conforming/ or have unresolved, undiagnosed conditions/disabilities who are wrongly put into the process of transitioning, so many that i have become wary. I just want you to take the best decision possible and to not get hurt or have regret. Transitioning is something heavy, it’s not at all like being lgb, it’s something that changes one’s life and possibly puts one in a lifetime of medicalization (hormone shots, regular checks with doctors, surgeons, actual therapy if you seek it, the negative aftermath of taking t or e on a body not made for this during decades, etc) and so i’d rather say the truth (again, as someone who used to have gender dysphoria) rather than doing the mistake of making it sound like it’s not a big deal. Other blogs, the ones who are specialized in trans identities, would give you a very different opinion (well, maybe not transmeds) but you asked for mine. It’s your life anon, only you can decide if becoming a trans man would be a good decision for you. Like i often say, you can direct message me if you have more questions anon ! Xx

[azurowle]

It’s very telling that after I responded to her comments/reblogged, this person proceeded to clam the fuck up and not respond when I asked her to back up her assertations regarding the highlighted:

So! Maybe someone else can enlighten me.

In regards to what I’ve been recommended for “other options” for dealing with my dysphoria other than transition, here’s what I’ve been recommended and the result.

Claim: There are other treatments for gender dysphoria that are better than transitioning.

###

Recommendation: Examine the root of my discomfort with being “female.”

Result: I have talked about this extensively with my therapists, even before I was aware I was a trans man. It never resolved the depression, lack of energy, mood swings, uncontrollable fury, or feelings of worthlessness I felt. I am damn well aware of some of the non-biological causes of my depression and anxiety. Turns out? Those started clearing up once I started taking testosterone, because SURPRISE! Depression and anxiety are comorbid with dysphoria! (The details of “why i am uncomfortable with being female” are none of your fucking business, because trans-exclusionary radfems love twisting words and drawing conclusions they have no damn right to draw with relation to trans men.)

Recommendation: Reading radical feminist literature and theory, both on Tumblr and from actual radfem academics.

Result: I got through about two and a half books from Dworkin, honestly the part where she implies bestiality and child-parent incest are necessary to break down gendered barriers was disgusting, plus she supported transition for trans folks (she also exploited the “Deep Throat” actress without fair compensation). Margaret Atwood is explicitly supportive of trans women, as is Kimberlè Crenshaw. By extension, I believe Margaret Daly and one other explicitly anti-trans radfem were Catholic nuns prior to becoming radfems, and apparently didn’t think ALL of their erroneous, prejudiced beliefs were worth examining in a critical light.

Recommendation: Exercise more/“eat right”.

Result: Oddly enough, a very ableist thing to say to someone who can barely find the strength to make it through the day for longer than a month! And, ironically enough, something that I can now do since I have the energy and clarity of mind to give a damn! 

Recommendation: Don’t drink alcohol or do drugs.

Result: Drinking was the only thing that would help me cope with the pain sometimes. Going without it still caused dissociation and complete and utter rage and self-loathing - and yes, it was just as bad as when I was drunk. 

Recommendation: Stay out of transgender circles.

Result: And what, talk to detransitioners? To other trans-exclusionary radfems? I went to the tags all the time looking for resources that were peer-reviewed, referrals to doctors, hell, even experimental ones. There was never anything in those tags - just a lot about how ~~happy they were~~ to be out of that situation and how the ~~evil nasty transieses~~ tricked them. I mostly leave detransitioners be unless they decide they want to get in on bullying trans women and trans men (at least when they’re not pressuring the trans men to detransition and become lesbians, political or otherwise), but they were just as harmful as the outright toxic trans-exclusionary radfems to me when I was struggling, even if they were some of the few people to show me anything even remotely resembling compassion.

Recommendation: Embrace being a lesbian (because clearly trans men are just confused lesbians /s).

Result: I’m bisexual, Karen. And even then my interest in women is purely sexual, not romantic. And a lot of that is probably a trauma reaction to the way that your side treated me when I was hurting and looking for help. Because now I’m always going to be questioning if a woman I’m dating or sleeping with actually sees me as a man, or just as a confused lesbian who needs to be saved from “her”self.

Recommendation: Pretending that I’m a Jedi and using “The Force” to cure my dysphoria. (Yes, this was an actual article I saw while traversing the detransition tag a few years ago. I should have screenshotted it.)

Result: Wat.

###

Conclusion: Despite the (alleged) good intentions of the parties involved, there have been no other therapies that have specifically worked for me thus far other than transition.

And while people’s mental health and sexuality/gender are unique to them, to propose there are other alternatives when you have NO proof or solid platform, believing shit like this from people who weren’t psychiatrists nearly got me hospitalized.

So by all means, maybe there’s some peer-reviewed, official guidelines or resources to deal with dysphoria without transitioning. I haven’t found it yet and haven’t been looking, because looking while I was still in denial broke me.

So by all means, please. Enlighten me.

Because past me would have loved to have had anything. Recommendations to therapists in my area. Official and unbiased medical resources. Things like that. Instead I have scars in my breasts and a whole lot of trauma I’m still trying to sort through.

[thisdiscontentedwinter]

“For every study that claims transgender people who began to transition early then regret that, or go back, there is, of course, another one that claims the opposite.” I don’t know if there have been studies on detransitioners, actually. Probably, right? If not, there will be soon. Honestly, I would really like more scientific research into transgenderism in general. I do think the literature around gender dysphoric children shows consistent results, but it would benefit everyone to see something concrete about the nature of transgenderism, or to see some sort of consistent pattern and understanding emerge from a scientific point of view. My understanding is that the science on this is still quite young and doesn’t actually show or explain that much about why someone experiences gender dysphoria (from a neurological or psychological view - the sociocultural/social anthropological analyses abound), or what the rate of regret/happiness actually is post transition. People tend to overstate the results and conclusions from what’s already there. “I suspect that you really do believe that a transwoman is a man who has made a choice to be trans.” In some cases, yes. We were talking about the example of a gender dysphoric child - you called them a trans girl, and I did too to keep things shorter - but a gender dysphoric child is a very different mind to an adult male who thinks he’s a woman. Children do not think and understand their environment and themselves the same way adults do; they literally cannot. For the gender dysphoric child who’s soaked up all our segregated bullshit about what girls and boys like and do, I think it does seem more like a choice to them. I could be wrong! (I know you think I’m entirely wrong, but neither you or I are experts.) And look: gender dysphoria is not a choice. I know that. I have zero issue with that. For those men who aren’t dysphoric but still somehow ‘feel’ they’re women, there’s still something going on there, and no, I don’t think it’s entirely voluntary either. The problem is no one knows precisely what that thing is for sure. Where I start getting aggro is when people equate that unknown thing - feeling, misfired neurons, mental illness, *whatever* it is - with a cultural construct associated with the opposite sex, and then with the opposite sex itself. The two aren’t the same. The experiences aren’t the same. To claim and then treat them as though they are is ridiculous. To go back to my opening sentence in this section - yeah, I do think that some assholes are taking advantage of the increasing acceptance of trans people to access protections and spaces previously not open to them for their own reasons. There’s no way to tell until the damage is done - usually to women. “I certainly don’t feel comfortable with the implication that gender or sexuality are a choice.” Pretty sure I didn’t say they were. I’ve explained my thinking above regarding our example of the gender dysphoric kid and choices. I’ll be really clear: sexuality is not a choice. Gender - and when I use gender here, I use the definition of 'the socially-constructed behaviours and roles placed upon a person based on their sex’ - is not a choice in that we don’t choose it being placed upon us. We can choose how we dismantle it so that those arbitrary expectations don’t oppress us. I suspect you’re using 'gender’ differently in your sentence though - closer to the highly subjective concept of 'internal gender identity’. This is part of my frustration with the overall issue - definitions of words get slippery. I use the word 'gender’ in one way and (I think) you’re using it in a different way, so we end up talking past each other. “Well, yes. You are asking me to, when you frame the actions of a transgender woman as “male”, or when you hope that I’ll agree a transwoman shouldn’t be in a female prison, or that a child has a “choice” as to their own gender. You are asking me to say that transwomen aren’t women, just like TERFs believe, and that’s something I will never do.” If that’s what came across to you from my responses - that this is something I’m asking you to do - then please believe me when I say that that wasn’t my intention at all. You can believe what you want to believe - doesn’t that go without saying? A trans woman can believe she’s a woman. Doesn’t mean *I* have to agree with it. I’m talking out the political logic of it all, from my understanding of feminism and what science there is around this, by critiquing your views, which you’ve so far been willing to give. You’ve generally been very clear about what you think and what you refuse to accept, which is fine. I know exactly where you stand.

The point though, is not whether or not children should be transitioning. The point is that children are and have. They are already here. And the result is that we have transwomen who have experienced growing up with the exact same sexism and oppression as cisgender women. 

I agree that internal gender identity is incredibly subjective, and it comes down to the individual. Which is why I also believe that nobody has the right to tell someone who identifies as a woman that they are not a woman. Because only that person can know. 

I think we agree on a lot of the same things, but we still manage to land on very different conclusions.