– Noor Unnahar, Instagram account "noor_unnahar"
[TEXT ID: / [Lemons] / My father's mother loved lemons. Years after her passing, / we run out of everything, but never / lemons. / Nothing else shelters grief / better than memory. / It's my father way of saying, / even in your absence, you will be / cared by me. / END ID]
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Imagine sitting in a garden with her, she looks at the flowers and i look at mine.
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When my mother told me she wished
she had gotten a divorce before I was
born, I could tell from her tone
that this was different from all the times
she’d look at me and ask God,
like I was God, why
he had punished her with me.
It wasn’t about trying to make me
wish I was a better child, just that I was not
a child anymore and she felt
she had to warn me not to repeat her life
but continue it and perhaps
by continuing it, set it right.
Once she made me kneel
facing the wall and stretch my arms
as high as they would go,
and watched my little back tremble
until I could hold my arms no longer.
When she asked me what I’d learned
I remember I wanted to scream
I hate you but knew somehow
it would hurt her more if I screamed
I hate myself, I hate myself,
so I did, over and over, I knew
when you watch a person you love
collapse into themselves you want nothing
more than to run into the boxing ring, the battleground
of them, take all the blows they deal,
all the shots they fire into the enemy
of their own being. If I could I would
without a second thought unravel the knot
of my mother’s heart into something
like sense, and if it’s true what they say
about how when you have a child
your heart begins to live outside your body
I would undo my life and throw it to her
like a rope, like I were a climber at the top
of the mountain and she’d left something
up there before making her way down and needed
to go back for it one more time. If I saw
my own heart, helpless and unknowing
creature, living outside me, I would also
want to tell it to kneel against the wall
and raise its arms until it could account
for what it had made of my life.
In a note she left in my bag
when I went to sleepaway camp
she said to be my mother
was the greatest joy of her life
and I knew, even at ten, there were greater joys
she had wanted, they lived in her dreams
and disappeared when she woke
to make my breakfast each morning,
and I wanted so badly then
to be those dreams, to disappear.
Helplessness’ Child by Kaylee Young-Eun Jeong
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She kissed me and roses began to grow inside my chest.
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In another lifetime, I would have loved cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and taxes with you.
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