#poor guy still doesn’t know he’s in Dracula

[fortune-maiden]

I love Jack

[bindeds]

[ BITE ME. ] : 2.2k words. ☆ ⌜ALASTOR X GENDER NEUTRAL READER. ⌟ — alastor catches you with bram stoker’s dracula and decides he can’t let you go until he gets to the bottom of your desires.

#tags. biting, blood, blood sucking, alastor with vampire teeth, reference to his cannibalism, but he doesn’t actually eat you, explicit consent, suggestive

a/n. sorry guys, this was wayyy too perfect of a chance realizing that alastor’s a cannibal. i hope you enjoyed this as much as i did! also, i’m finally starting a taglist! lmk which characters you wanna be tagged for ;>

meanwhile ... vampire lucifer version! BITE ME : AL’S VER PART 2 IS OUT !!!

masterlist. request something! :>

“I can’t wait for us to hang out oh, this is going to be so fun!”

You smiled right back at Charlie, though not quite able to return the ray of light she’d been emitting with her own.

“Charlie dear!”

You both looked over your shoulder to see Alastor approaching with his hands neatly poised behind his back.

“Where on earth are you going at this time with such dreadful skies?” Alastor’s head poked out between Charlie and yourself. He pressed the side of his hand to his brow as he squinted at the view outside.

You and Charlie were standing at the grand entrance of the hotel, straw-woven basket in hand.

The red skies of hell had looked just a few shades darker than they usually were and the gravel’s petrichor smell had started to rise in the streets.

Charlie had taken the pleasure of letting Alastor know that you and her would be going on a picnic date. She had taken extra care in watching the weather forecast yesterday to make sure the weather would only be windy, at most drizzly for today, which, judging by her ear-to-ear grin, was right up her alley.

Alastor’s eyes zipped down to your hand, still leaning in front with his hand retracted. “What’s that in your hand, darling?”

“Oh,” you frowned, holding up the book by instinct. “Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’m trying to get into the classics and Charlie said to bring a book.”

“Dracula,” Alastor’s voice and tone darkened, and the static scratches of radio surrounded the three of you as his grin grew taller. “Such a classic indeed.”

Alastor finally took a step back from the both of you, but that didn’t warrant both of you enough of a reason to continue on your way just yet—your attention as well as Charlie’s was as good as trapped in Alastor’s hands.

“Charlie, may I borrow your friend for a moment?”

“Alastor! Right now, really?” She urged in gritted teeth.

“My sincerest apologies Charlie, I’ve just remembered some important matters we had agreed to settle the very moment we were free.” Alastor placed a hand to his abdomen before he gave a slight bow.

“We won’t be long,” he drawled in a prodding tone.

“What?” You barked after he let you into his quarters first before shutting the door behind him.

Alastor’s eyes traced your shoulders, your arms—then seemed to set up camp at your hands.

Your grip on your book tightened.

“I see you’re dedicated to your little outing with Charlie, hm?” Alastor circled you as he looked over your shoulder. He twirled around to the other shoulder while he clicked his stick to the ground to use as an axis.

The fire sputtered softly in the background. The renovations done to the hotel had certainly been setting into your skin now—the cover of your poor book had become damp with your sweat. The blaring reds of Alastor’s grand room had somehow been less overwhelming to look at than the man himself.

Your eyes zipped over to his chest, shit, why—how did you get here? Though your eye sockets had been yanking you to look his way anyway, your eyelids gave the threat of a blink that for some reason entailed certain death.

A spindly finger crept its way under your chin and tilted your head up. Your gaze naturally fell to his eyes, so narrow and sharp as they could’ve pierced into your own, but no—instead, his gaze took a step into yours. Ever the polite gentleman, letting you know he was letting himself in as your blinking flickered.

“My eyes are up here, darling,” Alastor buzzed in a gravelly voice that dug below the growling radio static.

You gulped, and it seemed that that had been enough for Alastor to release your chin. “Though I suspect it’s not the outing you’re excited about …”

“Alastor, we can talk about this later—”

“Oh, but we haven’t talked about us at all—not since the fall of Charlie’s hotel,” Alastor grinned but gave a pouting tone.

Right.

You had panicked the moment Alastor left for longer than he should have. When you were the only one who clearly didn’t hate him but didn’t hug him upon his return, he took it upon himself to ask about your attitude towards him. You confessed to having thought about him a little more than the rest of the crew, thinking you would be ripping the bandaid off when he laughs at your face and tells you he doesn’t like wasting his time on such sentiments—but lo and behold, he twirled you around to an old jazz song you couldn’t recognize and said—

“Why, I would be ridding myself of the one person who happens to be a pleasure to be around! Don’t be so harsh on yourself my dear, you’re quite a beauty to be relished, even if I am no such person for the job.”

Alastor’s fingers crawled up to his lips as they tapped in a rippling motion.

“Though, it does make me inclined to try …”

So there you were.

The past few days have been more than bearable with this subtle change as you would have expected with someone who wasn’t known to be into romantics. And Alastor had made it clear that you two were only exclusive without a label—but it seemed the current moment might be testing that statement’s validity.

“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” you reasoned as you held the book to your chest with the title facing him.

Alastor’s eyes dropped back down to your book and up to you again as he shut his eyes.

“And you’re doing just a splendid job, my treasure. Letting me set the pace. But right now, I must admit … it’s rather difficult for me to see you reading quite possibly the most popular piece of fiction on vampires,” Alastor held back a sigh through his explanation, but it slipped between his theatrics nonetheless. “You do know I’m a cannibal, don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” you insisted, and for some reason your voice dropped to a lower register as you frowned.

Your gaze had been drawn right back to Alastor’s prying own like a compass needle to the earth’s core—it wavered, but never wandered long.

“Then you should know it’s only natural for me to yearn for your taste,” Alastor hummed. “If only I had known you were enamored by such notions sooner …”

“What does it matter now? Right when I’m supposed to head out with Charlie too …”

“Is it really what you wish to do?” Alastor questioned with a cocked brow. “Because if so …” he stepped aside and showed you the door with his hand motioned towards it. “I will not stop you, my sweet.”

In your head, you prepared for your body to move—but you made one pathetic excuse for a step before you fell ice cold. Your head spun and whirred with the expectation of movement—but your body tensed with the commands your muscles refused to follow; like there had been a mix of commands in which your brain may have known what was right but the very blood that supplied your body remained loyal to the desires pounding in your rib cage.

“Well?”

Alastor stood rooted to his spot, and though his grin had turned into a tamed smile, you knew that underneath his closed eyes he’d been brimming for your answer.

“What … What are you going to do?” You asked innocently. There were a number of things already stirring in your head about your fate in the next ten minutes or so, but Alastor’s hell-renowned status had been built escaping the grasps of others’ expectations.

“What would you like me to do my dear?” He tilted his head at an unnatural angle as his sharp eyes narrowed at you once more, the static noise crackling much like the fire had—only this sound panted and prodded in your ear, demanding to be known.

“No, this is not how this works, Al,” you sterned as much as you could with the tremble in your voice. “You tell me exactly what you have in mind, then I will tell you what I think.”

“Hmmph,” Alastor cooed. “How clever.”

He made his way over to you, and your body reacted quicker than your mind as your steps matched his, only they brought you backwards while he stalked forward.

He leaned into your ear. “I’d like to know what you taste like, dear.”

You attempted to steel yourself as a shiver traveled from your arms to your spine. Alastor’s breath might have been warm but the shiver had shedded off half your warmth and preserved the rest on your cheeks.

He returned to his original position right in front of you, keeping your flickering gaze locked on his, even if his own hadn’t been half as loyal when they switched between your neck and the former.

“Not to worry. I won’t hurt you any more than I have to. I find those fangs that vampires possess quite appealing,” he commented. “So what do you say, darling?”

You nodded. You didn’t mean to.

But by this time your throat, your muscles, the very same ones tensed with the promise of Alastor’s tongue on your skin—they had been pulling the strings because you knew you wouldn’t do it all by yourself, acting so surprised by the things you’re saying.

“Please,” you whispered as you bit your lip. Now’s no time to be praying.

“I want you to bite me.”

Unless it’s to the very demon before you.

“Lovely.”

His hand slipped to your waist and steered you to the right and towards the edge of his bed.

You fell back, your book finally escaped your grasp and Alastor’s shadow casted over you completely.

He adjusted his tie as he set down his microphone, chin held high with a half-lidded glance at your book that laid askew on his bed. He picked it up and flipped it back to front briefly before setting it down on his bedside table like he’d been framing a picture.

“Now then,” he grinned, and his teeth had been completely altered with a straight row—the only two to stand out being the prominent fangs that ended on his lower lip.

Alastor swooped in and you shut your eyes tight from the gush of wind that accompanied him only to be met with his warm breath on your neck.

“I trust you know that this will hurt for an itty bitty moment, yes?” He warned with a voice so vile yet sultry, like his little remarks had slithered into your ear and lapped your head in jawbreaker promises filled with his venom.

You nodded quickly, and froze at once when he punctured you; fire spread throughout your neck, inflamed your cheeks, collarbones protruding as you clawed at his shoulders for purchase—and to your surprise, he adjusted your grip to loop around his neck, which in turn enveloped you closer to him.

A swirling sensation danced into the picture with your jugular pulsing against his teeth. Your flesh and muscles hugged the two blades that only sank deeper into you causing you to bruise even further. You winced, and Alastor’s tongue drew small circles where he had been sucking. Something had been dripping from you and Alastor was sure not to miss a single drop of you. At least, not from your neck.

You bit your lip once more, a sound rising past your throat and holding your tongue hostage. Warmth had now engulfed your jaw and neck as you craned it back to allow him easier access—what was previously festered had subsided into a dizzying pleasure, his fangs almost tickling you along with the wet trails left by his tongue.

Ice washed over the abused spot on your neck when his fangs left you, pieces of your skin still clung onto him until the very last second. He nibbled and bit further down and along your collarbone before he drew back.

He exhaled through his teeth, which had now grown out to be the regular sharp rows he possessed previously. With the way his eyes trekked on your shoulders and jaw, it took every muscle in your body not to shrivel under his critical eye.

“Oh, my dear, you’re absolutely glowing,” Alastor sighed, the inner corner of his brows arched up as his hands remained planted on either side of you. His smile faltered. “If you should even dare to think otherwise, come to me. I will fix what is wrong with this realm, and that is the wretch who convinced the moon and stars they were nothing but rotten work.”

Heavy knocks thundered from the door.

“Alastor! What’s taking so long?” Charlie reprimanded, which made you jolt when she uttered your name along with his. “We need to go!”

Alastor stepped back and dusted himself off which allowed you space to do the same. You fixed your shirt and ran towards the door only for a firm hand on your forearm to twirl you around and dip you, your hair falling away from your face.

“Alastor!” You hissed.

Alastor held up your book with his free hand. “I’m touched you’d let me keep this as a souvenir.”

You grabbed the book and headed for the door again. “I’m late.”

Charlie called your name once more.

“Coming!”

“That you will be,” Alastor chuckled.

You glared at him over your shoulder. “Big talk for an ace.”

“I never know what that means.” Alastor shrugged as he planted his microphone in front of him.

You rolled your eyes before opening and slamming the door behind you, leaving Alastor to think about what he was going to do about your attitude when you got back.

[mikalara-dracula]

😰🩸 The Diaboys + Karl try the period simulator—

Warning: 18+ content below; don't read if you're a minor and aren't comfortable with this topic. This is a fictional work and should not be taken seriously.

Caution: Unfortunately, Tumblr has a history of admins quarreling over completing carbon copy asks due to users sending the same request(s) to multiple admins, thus, resulting in unintentional plagiarism. With this, please DO NOT send the same request to multiple blogs as it can cause unintended plagiarism discord to other blogs across Tumblr. The word “plagiarism” stems from the early 17th-century Latin word, “plagiarius,” meaning “kidnapper.” So please, do not send in the same request to multiple blogs and make admins appear to be “kidnapping” other people’s work when it isn’t their intention. If this is to occur with any of my posts, please contact me so we can work something out.

Made these with: @liannelara-dracula

Bruh, I swear Kou's is my favorite lmao xDD.

Note regarding videos: Scenario inspiration comes from the videos linked. We own nothing. Credit goes to the original owners.

Shu:

When you first approached him with it, he was honestly confused.

He was sort of reluctant to do it due to him being lazy, but he figured he’d make you happy so he decided to try it.

He thought it was a joke.

And of course, he had to try it while laying down on the couch.

Didn’t start to feel pain until he got to level 5 and this is where he shot up.

“Fuck . . . .”

And by level 6, it was over. He was clutching his stomach and rolling up into a ball.

“Y/N, turn it off! I can’t do it!”

“But there’s still like four more levels.”

“I don’t care!”

And when this event reached Reiji’s ears, this gave him new ideas as to how to get Shu up to do things.

Reiji:

“What is this contraption?” He’d say when you first showed him it.

He thought it was silly and didn’t believe it could cause severe pain, so he decided to give it a go.

And plus, he wanted to see how far science has come and wanted to fully understand what you were complaining about every month.

So, after putting it on him, you cranked up to level 4 and he flinched, making him hit his hip against the table—kinda like this guy (@ 2:16 if the video doesn’t work).

And at one point, this machine put this bitch on his knees.

Like, it took him out.

He was dying by level 6, crawling up next to your legs like a cat and begged you to turn it off.

And if his brothers are around, they encourage you to crank up the pain, while Reiji does his best to convince you otherwise.

Laito:

Started screaming hysterically at level 3.

You honestly can’t tell if he’s laughing or dying from the way it sounds. It’s probably both knowing him.

He’s begging you to stop the pain because he simply can’t take it.

He’s twisting in so many ways because he feels so much pain and he is complaining non stop.

“Bitch-chan, please. I’ll do anything! Make it stop!”

“Alright, but on one condition.”

“Anything!”

“No fedora for a week.”

“No, not my hat!”

“Alright then, I guess I’ll just have to crank it up.”

“Nooo!”

Afterwards, when he no longer has the machine to bother him, he just stayed there laying on the floor because he became so sore.

He was never the same afterwards and learned to never mess with you when on your period.

Well sounds like someone learned their lesson.

Kanato:

He couldn’t quite understand what it was at first, but when you explained it, he thought it was stupid.

Since vampires can take on more pain compared to a human, he thought he was invincible to it.

“Do you really think that something like this can take down someone like me? Fine, I’ll play along.”

He started screaming at level 2 and begging you to turn it off as he rolled onto the floor curled up into a ball.

And was actually in tears.

Oh, poor little purple leprechaun.

“Can’t you see you’re hurting me? How could you do this to me? In front of Teddy?”

In the end, he got fed up with it and tore it off and slightly electrocuted himself.

Ayato:

He was confident, he thought he had it in the bag.

“Ah, please. I can take this shit on no problem.”

At level 3.5, he started to groan a little bit.

And when he got to level 5, he was definitely feeling it, but was trying to play it off. Kinda like this guy here (@ 1:05 if the video doesn’t work).

“Damn,” he’d say clutching his stomach.

Begged you to unplug it at some point cuz he just couldn't take it . . . and he was still at level 5.

Subaru:

At first, he thought it was stupid and that it wasn’t a big deal.

But boy was he wrong.

Started complaining at level 4.

“Damn . . .”

But it got even worse when you cranked it up to level 7.

There he was dying.

And it was honestly so bad that he tried chasing you in order to snatch the remote to turn it off, but he ended up throwing himself on the table because the pain was unbearable, kinda like this guy (@ 2:40 if the video doesn’t work).

He was literally begging you to turn it off like the guy in the vid. xDD

“Subaru, the table! Reiji’s gonna get mad!”

“Turn it off!” He groaned. “Oh my god!”

Kino:

Thought it was a joke, but figured he’d try it because you wanted him to.

“C’mon, it’s just a little machine. What can it do?”

And boy was he wrong.

The first few levels he was fine, but then it started to get real around level 5.

But he wasn’t going to call it there because he wanted to prove he could endure much more.

So he keeps encouraging you to crank up the pain.

“But you’re already at level 7!”

“Babe, I got this. C’mon!”

And at this point, he began making the weirdest noises to cope with the pain. Kinda like this dude (@ 5:44 if the video doesn’t work).

And level 9 was the end for him and resulted with him on the floor, literally gasping for some type of relief.

After that, you crouched down and scooped him up into a hug from all the pain he just endured and he stayed cuddled up like a baby.

Aww :’)

Ruki:

He was actually supportive of the idea.

He knew girls had a tough with periods in general, but he never thought it’d be this bad.

He’s generally a very composed person, but to see him get this vulnerable was something else.

You skipped the easy and just blasted it up to level 8, and it was taking him out, kinda like this guy (@ 7:29 if the video doesn’t work).

He was complaining in ways you’d never seen him, like he was at your mercy.

“Shit . . . how do women do this every month? This is horrible.”

“Oh baby, this is just cramps, you’re missing all the headaches, mood swings, the knife feeling in your uterus, weakness-,”

“Okay, okay, I get it.” He’d beg, being breathless. “Just turn it off.”

Yuma:

He thought it was weird but he figured he’d try it anyways.

“I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna hurt me that much.” He’d say.

But it wasn’t like that when he got to level 3. He literally had this guy’s reaction (@ 7:02 if the video doesn’t work).

And from there, you just kept increasing the level, and through each one, it just kept getting worse.

His body tensing up more and more though each level.

And when he hit level 8, it was game over.

In fact, the pain got so bad that at one point it actually made him scream.

It startled everyone in the mansion to be honest, and when his brothers came in they started laughing.

“You’re such a wimp, Yuma.” Kou would mock, finding this funny. “Didn’t know a simulator could take you out like that.”

“Why you!” Yuma would say, getting up with the simulator still attached to go chase Kou, ignoring the pain while you chased after them.

Kou:

Has been wanting to try this with you for the longest time and was more than open to it.

“Are you sure about this, Kou? Periods are not exactly pleasant.” You’d warn.

“Aw, don’t worry about it, kitten. I’m sure I can handle it.”

He started screaming at level 1 kinda like this dude (@ 6:50 if the video doesn’t work). Wimp.

He was in so much pain at such a quick rate. It was honestly unbelievable.

“Y/N, turn it off!”

“But we’re only at level one.”

He looked at you dumbfounded and just couldn’t believe it.

Azusa:

He didn’t know what it was at first, but figured he’d try it because you wanted him to.

Azusa knew how painful your period was every month, but never fully understood painful it actually was.

You explained what the simulator was for and he grew pretty interested.

“I get to . . . feel pain?”

“No, Azusa, it’s not like that. I just want to show you what girls go through every month.”

“Ok . . . .”

During the first levels, he was slightly laughing and giggling because he thought the pain was nothing.

But then it got serious.

And because he’s a masochist, he keeps telling you to increase the intensity of the pain even though you don’t want to.

“Azusa, no more. You’re already at level 15!”

“More . . . pain . . . .”

“Nooo!”

It honestly wouldn’t unless one of his brothers came in and stopped, and luckily one did before the machine would short-circuit.

Shin & Carla:

Now, there’s a reason why they’re grouped together here.

It’s because they actually did it together with their girlfriends (like the guys in the vid coming up).

At first they thought it was silly because they’re Founders, what pain couldn’t they take?

Or so they thought.

They were at level five and Carla lost composure first, kinda like the guy in the white pants here (@ 8:14 if the video doesn’t work).

And as King of the Founders, you can imagine how funny this looks on Carla right now xDD.

And to Carla’s surprise, Shin could take more pain than him but he was also dying.

Shin eventually got to level 10, but that’s when he couldn’t take it and ripped the simulator off.

Carla hit his limit at level 10 as well, but ended up fainting as a result.

It literally took hours to get him to wake up.

And now, Shin won’t let Carla live down the fact that a period simulator took the king out.

Bonus~

Karl:

Okay, to your surprise, he was actually remaining composed and pretty unmoved.

And as you cranked up the levels, you kept asking him what it felt like and he just kept telling you it was nothing.

Like at one point, the dude was on level 10 and felt little to no pain, kinda like this dude (@ 7:04 if the video doesn’t work).

And like the guy in the vid, he asked if there were any more levels and when you said no, he was just shocked that that was the limit. Damn Karl.

It literally was a piece of cake to him xDD.

[therainbowwillow]

Dracula Daily May 16th Thoughts:

SPOILER WARNING! This is my second read through.

-Sanity is a major theme for Jonathan’s character and in this book as a whole. It’s important to him that he’s sane in order to be taken seriously and the book affirms that this is a completely valid priority. Renfield, who is also hospitalized (well… institutionalized) and suffers from Dracula’s abuse (whether or not he sees it that way) is ignored. His opinion is less worthy of consideration that Jonathan’s, who does manage to maintain appearances and come across as fairly normal to his society. The Hamlet connection also makes sense, seeing as the play shares this central theme.

-It’s particularly awful that Jonathan fully recognizes that Dracula is the only person he can turn to for “safety” even though Dracula is the cause of this whole situation and is absolutely imprisoning him intentionally. Since Jonathan is an orphan and not in the upper class, I expect this isn’t the first time he’s dealt with this kind of abuse. It’s a familiar situation, someone taking advantage of a disadvantaged person who only has them to turn to and it’s sad to me that Jonathan is so keenly aware of his predicament.

-Ah, the misquoted Hamlet line. Jonathan quotes it as “My tablets! quick, my tablets! 'Tis meet that I put it down," etc.” which, regardless of Doylist context, makes sense for someone who doesn’t have the play in front of them. (The correct quote is “My tables- meet it is I set it down…” which I did apparently have memorized. Jeez, Jonathan, where’s a 2+ year long hyperfixation on Shakespeare’s Hamlet when you need it?)

-I love how much the connotation of the word sleepy has changed since 1897. Jonathan is clearly using it to mean just “tired” but the modern connotation of “sleepy” feels much… softer? Like a young child is sleepy, or I, lying in the sun, am sleepy, but not a guy in a prison-castle. That’s more like exhausted.

-I like how much time Jonathan spends describing the world beyond the castle. It seems like it’s a good way for him to hold on to hope but also says something about him that he’s still able to see beauty right now.

-“…whilst their gentle breasts were sad for their menfolk away in the midst of remorseless wars.” Future Mina, I’m sorry you have to read your husband’s prison-castle-induced men-writing-women moment. Jonathan, for future reference, the tits don’t need to be personified. Guess who forgot the gender-neutral term “breast” could be used in the plural? (Thank you, commenters!)

-imagine being the brides right now. This guy just fell asleep on your couch unannounced. Maybe don’t drink his blood and forcibly vampire-seduce him, but whispering about him seems like a reasonable response, yeah? Maybe you should stick with that.

-Do we ever get an explanation for this? “ I seemed somehow to know her face, and to know it in connection with some dreamy fear, but I could not recollect at the moment how or where.” Has he seen her before in a book? In a dream?

-ah, the return of voluptuous

-This is a strong analogy for sexual assault and I appreciate that it never feels for a moment like it was Jonathan’s fault, regardless of how he describes feeling in the moment.

-I fucking hate Count Dracula. I hate him! His use of this “rescue” as an opportunity to claim Jonathan as “his own” is disgusting and abhorrent and I wish I could just get Jonathan an Uber straight back home!

-The brides are awful but I do also feel a little bit bad for them. They are also victims of Dracula’s overbearing control (a fact which does not and cannot justify their victimization of Jonathan, but is proof that he is abusive towards everyone, not just Jonathan.)

-Now we know why the locals are so “superstitious”… poor unnamed kid :(

-And there we are… he’s figured out the vampire thing in full!

[fur-claws-and-eyeballs]

Seriously though, now I can't stop thinking about an 1880s-1910s Lost Boys AU.

Specifically, again, where Max owns/operates the resort, and the Boys live in the caves and haunt the grounds.

And Lucy is maybe a widow? (I like it better than divorce for this era anyway...her dead husband can still be an unlikeable dick, as a treat) Anyways, she's a newly single woman, with two boys to care for all by herself. She's got what her husband left to them, but not much else. (Michael tries to help. She wishes he could continue his education, but they can't afford it. So he takes on some manual labor jobs to help support them.)

Maybe Lucy's dealing with the stress of losing her husband and her father in quick succession? Or maybe her father just sends her to the resort to recover from her loss and the stress of trying to support her boys. (Like he's got money that she wouldn't directly accept, or maybe he's influential in town and is able to get her in as a favor because this resort is swanky...and maybe he knows that the whole place is crawling with well-off bachelors and widowers, *wink wink*)

So here Lucy is, recovering from a Victorian-style nervous breakdown, living the high life in a gorgeous seaside resort, and then Max, the owner of all people, this suave mysterious man starts piling on the charm.

Then you've got Michael, who is still just as sullen and bullheaded, on the cusp of manhood. Probably had a girl he was courting back in Phoenix. But he's the "man of the house" now, and he's had to help support his mother and younger brother. He comes to Santa Carla to ensure his family arrives safe and sound, but Max invites him to stay as well. "Take a load off, son. You could use a break after working so hard to care for your mother." (Queue Lost Boys shenanigans)

But also, poor Sam, is devastated that he can't afford to wear the latest fashions, and at having to leave his books back in Phoenix or something. Maybe he meets the Frog brothers while they’re sneaking into the resort grounds, because they’re convinced that all of the nighttime parties are covers for vampire activity. (Make it the year 1897 or later and maybe this version of the boys’ “Vampires Everywhere!” is just Bram Stoker’s Dracula.)

But I don't know how I would want it to end. This story could go either way. Is it a Brady Bunch style happily ever after? I feel like I see so few fics where Max is the good guy, it would be interesting to explore…

Or does it end similar to the movie? Like is Max still the sinister manipulator? Are the Lost Boys still the villains?

What if Lucy doesn’t learn that Max is a vampire until after they are already married since that stuff would proceed so quickly back then. Kill the master vampire then inherit his swanky resort afterward and never have to marry again, lmao. (In this version, the quake doesn’t sink the hotel)

Or maybe this story is set in 1906, leading up to the quake, and instead of ending the story covered in Max ashes in Grandpa’s house, we end the story fallen into the caves covered in Max’s ashes, like, “now what?”

IDK, it sounds fun, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin writing in this era.

[gardenofshadcws]

Dracula Daily Day 71

"The Pall Mall Gazette," 18 September.

Bears in Disney World, wolves in London, what next?

Stoker’s dialects are so hard to read

DON’T HIT WOLVES WITH A POLE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

You don’t name a well-behaved wolf Berserker.

Oh hey Dracula been a while we didn’t miss you stop upsetting the puppies

Awooo!!

In what universe are wolves not smart or able to fight? I mean, sure, this one’s not used to the wild and zoos in Victorian England were not nearly as good about encouraging natural behaviors but for a wolf-keeper this guy does not know what he’s talking about

Oh hey Berserker welcome home

Dr Seward’s Diary

A whole lot of things may have happened

The slowly building tension of the “chain of doom” is just as horrifying as yesterday’s entry.

God, reading the aftermath of this hurrrrtttts.

But she’s not dead! There’s still a chance! Save the girl!!!

We believe in you Van Helsing! You can do it!

Ayyy she’s breathing!

Yes, because leaving her with the maids went so well last time.

QUINCEY!!!! HE’S BACK! It’s been so long I almost forgot about our favorite cowboy

Art do you really want to know how Lucy is?

The fact that this transfusion doesn’t go as well as the others is heartbreaking. Quincey was their last hope, everyone else is exhausted. If this doesn’t save her, she’s done.

“Don’t trouble about it now.” VAN HELSING THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO TROUBLE ABOUT IT WOULD YOU PLEASE COMMUNICATE THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH.

This man is infuriating.

Please stop telling Art that Lucy is getting better.

Quincey asking what’s going on is pretty much the embodiment of that gif of the guy walking into the burning room with pizza. Poor guy’s been so left out.

“One of those big bats they call vampires” And yet he’s still closer to figuring things out than anyone but Van Helsing and he doesn’t even know it. Lucy’s just like that poor horse.

Also not how vampire bats work.

Maybe we should have thrown out all our calculations and properly watched Lucy earlier?

She’s awake!

Letter, Mina Harker to Lucy Westenra

Another death???

Shit’s getting real

Mina’s helping Jonathan believe in himself awww :’)

“Your own happiness” Um. About that….

[grownups-are-the-real-monsters]

Sleepover HC list

w/ Jake Chambers, Jordon (Cell), Mark Petrie, & Jack Sawyer 

[by: @m-o-o-n-thatspellsblog & I] 

Jordon and Jake are supposed to be running the mile but instead they’re just walking around the track because they’re super lazy. Jordon is discussing the cute girl who he knows has a crush on Jake!! 

Jake, as always, acts pretty disinterested which frustrates poor Jordon (who is only a little jealous because the girl he likes is a senior who will never like him back). 

Jake shyly (and out of character) explains that he likes someone else anyways. Jordon pounces on this and immediately asks who it is. He insists that Jake can get any girl he wanted in the school.

“Well, it’s not a girl....” Jake admits. 

Jordon, blissfully unaware that this is a tender moment, bursts: “You could get any guy you wanted too!” 

Jake is touched by his friends’ support and goes to tell him so but Jordon is like “Dude, we both have two dads, remember? How could I be homophobic?” 

Back to the task at hand, Jake doesn’t want to tell who his crush is right away so Jordon gets the idea of a group sleepover with their little gang. Where Jake can talk about him later. 

SO after school, Jake, Jordon, Mark, and Jack all get together at Jordon’s house for a sleepover. Tom & Clay have promised to stay out of their son’s hair!!!

While packing his things together, Mark decides to bring ‘Dracula’ for a fun movie night which they pop in Jordon’s DVD player as soon as they all get comfortable. 

Jack insists that they do a ‘Rock, Paper, Scissors’ tournament to determine who gets to sleep in Jordon’s bed. They all get way too into the competition but Jack ends up beating Jordon in the last round.

Jordon has to sleep on the floor at his own sleepover. 

For the first bit of the movie, they all just sit around talking about school, homework and all that jazz while looking through Jordon’s graphic novel collection. (Mark is secretly still starstruck that Jordon’s dad writes/draws horror/fantasy). 

They talk about what movie monster they would all be....

Jordon does NOT want to be a zombie, ok? He’s just interested in them!! 

Mark surprises them all by saying he wants to be the freaking Creature from the Black Lagoon because they all thought he loved Dracula. 

Mark’s like: “Nah, I’m scared as hell of Dracula!!!” (They all just ignore the fact that his blanket literally has Dracula on it...) 

Jake brings the conversation around to this guy he likes because he would secretly do anything to talk about him!!

Jack hi-jacks the conversation to talk about the fact that Richard Sloat definitely likes him but he is so not gay!! 

Jake is like “Yeah, sure....anyway--I like Benny Slightman!” (Benny is a year older than them so he’s 15). 

Jack, the little jerk, is like “I knew you were gay!” 

Jake punches him hard in the shoulder and tells him to shut the fuck up and let him talk. 

Jake proceeds to go off on a tangent about Benny for like twenty minutes of the movie. 

Mark is super interested but also is still trying to watch the movie so he keeps getting distracted. But he also shares that he thinks this boy, Danny Glick, might like him but he doesn’t know how to feel about it cause as far as he knows, he is straight. 

Jack hi-jacks the conversation again, talking about Richard again, and how much he does not like him. 

After the movie ends, Jordon is like “Ok guys please go to sleep cause I have soccer practice tomorrow and I need rest.” (The senior girl, Alice Maxwell, plays soccer so he obviously had to play too). 

Mark and Jack keep everyone awake with their bickering. Jack teases Mark about the fact that he brought his werewolf doll. 

Mark insists that it’s an action figure and tells him to shut the fuck up. 

Jake and Jordon examine the figure and determine that it’s a doll after all. 

[hyperiongremlin]

Vampire fic (one shot)

A rhackothy one shot that could be read as having a similar cannon to the Golden threads of a shattered heart universe. 

Jack finds some peons engaged in slut shaming and transphobia so he decides to murder them but not before torturing them. He informs Tim of this who asks if he wants to invite Rhys. Jack says no, he doesn’t want to scare Rhys. Tim says somehow he doesn’t think that will be an issue. He sends Jack a recording  that Jack finds incredibly interesting. Vampire stuff ensues. 

TWs for the employees at the beginning using transphobic language and slut shaming. Theres also a good bit of gore mentioned. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43805322 

Jack stalked through the halls of Hyperion. He was still pissed that people were talking about his Rhysie like that, but the promise of seeing what he’d heard on that recording was invigorating.  He licked his lips and put in an earbud so he could listen to the recording again.

“You know, it really didn’t need to end this way, I know what a cliche. You’re probably thinking, why is poor, weak little Rhys here in this dark room with me? Why am I tied up? Well… poor, little, weak Rhys is a little stronger than he looks. Now of course that doesn’t tell you what you did to end up here. That’s also very simple…

Jack was grateful he was now in the private garage and away from prying eyes, Rhys’ honeyed words were making their way right to his cock. Admittedly he hadn’t finished the recording when Tim sent it, it was over 10 minutes long. But one listen to that tone and Jack knew Rhys was just as fucked up as he and Tim were.  He walked to the car and pressed play.

“See I don’t like it when someone touches something that’s mine. I’m sure you’ve figured out what you did by now, right?” Rhys said. He paused and a muffled but frantic groan responded. 

“No?” Rhys purred.

....

The doors swung open to reveal a large office, where two men sat talking. They turned to face Jack. The tantalizing scents of his mate and Rhys greeted him.

“Wow Jack, what's gotten you all worked up?” Rhys asked, he seemed genuinely confused as to why he was here.

“You listened to the whole thing didn’t you?” Tim asked, smirking.

“You can’t just send me things and expect me not to listen all the way through,” Jack gritted.

“You never listen through anything all the way,” Tim said, giving Jack an affectionate smile.

“Guys, what recording?” Rhys asked. Tim grinned and tapped at his phone.

“You know, it really didn’t need to end this way, I know what a cliche,” the recording started. Rhys’ eyes filled with panic, he stumbled to leave but Jack caught him and picked him up with one arm.

“ah-ah -ah cupcake,” Jack purred.

....

“Ok, first question, as I am a HUGE vampire nerd I am required to ask, Jack are you aware you were born in the same year as John Dracul or John the impaler? The inspiration for Brahm Stoker’s Dracula?”  Rhys asked. Tim smiled, he hadn’t known Rhys liked vampires so much, otherwise the entire ordeal of turning him would have been much easier. He pressed a kiss into Rhys’ neck. Though for someone who loved vampires so much, it was hilarious that Rhys hadn’t put two and two together with Jack.

“John’s a stupid name,” Jack said. Tim put his palm to his face.

“I mean yeah ok, but not what I asked,” Rhys said. The younger vampire pulled up a picture of John the impaler. Between the chiseled jawline, the green and blue eyes and the mercurial expression, Tim thought it was so obvious. But his training in human psychology over the years had taught him that most humans won’t believe something out of sheer willpower.

“This guy, have you ever met him? He’s like the most famous vampire out there,” Rhys asked.

“I’m the most famous vampire out there,” Jack replied petulantly. Tim decided this had gone on long enough.

“I’ve met him,” Tim said. Rhys turned and stared.

“Really?”  he asked.

“Yep, sucked his dick too,” Tim said. He smirked as Jack looked up from his phone.

“Whose dick now? Was this before I met you?” Jack asked. Tim rolled his eyes, Jack was not following the conversation right now, at all.

“Yours Jack, I sucked your dick,” Tim said. Jack gave a little fist pump.

“Well but you said you also sucked off John the impaler,” said Rhys.

“Ok, Rhys, I’m gonna need you to look at the picture on the phone, and look at the idiot who's trying to challenge Elon to a fight in the parking lot behind a Wendy’s, do you see anything weird about them?” Tim guided. Rhys squinted at the picture, looked at Jack and then back at the picture.

“Oh. My. God. Jack is a nickname for John… heterochromia is incredibly rare, statistically it's improbable that he’s not…” Rhys said. Tim nodded.

“You know why they call me the impaler? Because of my massive dick,” Jack said.

“Oh so now you’re admitting to it?” Rhys said.

“I’m a simple man Rhysie, I see an opportunity for a joke and I take it,” Jack said with a smirk.

[thenightling]

Review of Asylum’s Dracula: The Original living vampire

  Review of Asylum’s Dracula: The Original living vampire: I decided to check out the Asylum Mockbuster “Dracula: The Original living vampire” which is their “Mockbuster” of Morbius (released March 31st 2022).

The acting in Dracula: The original living vampire is so bad, so phoned in that it is almost impressive. But then again these actors know they’re working for Asylum, which isn’t exactly known for quality.  

In this film Amelia Van Helsing is the skeptic.  She is in a relationship with Mina.  At first I was intrigued by the idea of a lesbian Van Helsing but no. They gave the traditional Van Helsing personality to Jonathan Harker, played by Ryan Woodcock.  With a name like that I can make a pretty good guess what kind of movies this man was probably used to doing.  So there goes the one chance of something actually clever coming out of this.

The costumes and sets are of an indistinct time period. It’s hard to orientate myself to whatever era this is supposed to be. Michael Ironside as Jack Seward, is the only actor who I recognize the name of. That poor guy really knows how to pick some winners. He was in Highlander 2...  And he has such great dialogue was “Amelia... get this son of a bitch.”  

The Dracula actor would be attractive except for the fact that he always looks like he is smelling something bad and  his voice doesn’t seem to match his look, like the voice was dubbed in later and it is a bit distracting. 

Renfield is the chief of police. The nerd who actually is incline to believe in the supernatural is Jonathan Harker, which makes Amelia Van Helsing all the more disappointing.

Dracula specifically targets redheads and surprise, surprise, Mina is not a natural blond.  She’s actually a redhead.     

Honestly, the better low budget Dracula movie of this year was The Invitation from Sony Pictures.  I actually rather liked The Invitation.  It had cliches but it was certainly better than this.

I can’t tell what year this is set in.  In one scene they’re using kerosine lamps, in another they’re talking about DNA analysis, and wearing wrist watches.   But no one has a smart phone or TV.   It’s surreal and fantastical.   I kind of like that, where it is hard to tell what time period or location this is meant to be.   It’s impossible to orientate yourself to what time period this is and I think that’s deliberate.

Amelia Van Helsing is a detective.  Her lover, Mina, is the solicitor.  Dr. Seward is the coroner (and for some reason most characters pronounce his name as “Sea-ward”), and Harker is the occultist nerd who behaves sadly more like Van Helsing than Van Helsing, herself.  My hopes for a lady Van Helsing who dresses a bit like the traditional male character were compromised.

One thing that was a pleasant surprise though was seeing Dracula turn to mist and bats.  I was surprised that Asylum splurged on that.

The film got fun in the last twenty minutes but even so I still think The Invitation from Sony pictures was the better low budget Dracula film. I did like that Asylum actually let Dracula turn into bats and mist.  You don’t see that too often with the low budget stuff.

 Though this was schlock there were some creative ideas behind it. It was probably the best Asylum film I’ve ever seen.  I know that’s not saying much since Asylum isn’t know for its quality but this had some good ideas. Van Helsing as a woman, Mina as a lesbian.  A timeless setting similar to a Tim Burton Batman movie only somewhere between 1890s to 1990s.   

Harker mentioned that there are blood rituals that could revive Dracula.  If Asylum wanted to this could turn into their Hammer-esque Dracula franchise.  

For what it was I’d say it wasn’t so bad.  Maybe a 6.5 out of ten, overall and an 8 when compared to other Asylum films (as opposed to actual quality film production companies).  

[rallamajoop]

Christopher Lee and the Humour of Dracula

Though Hammer’s Dracula series may not quite be my favourite Dracula films, I think Christopher Lee still ranks as my favourite actual Dracula (and as I may have mentioned before, this is a crowded field).

There are, IMO, three key components to what makes his particular take on the character work.

You’ve got your menacing Dracula:

Your sexy Dracula:

And your oh shit this did not go as planned Dracula:

That last one being the aspect I feel doesn’t really get enough appreciation.

I don’t know how many of the faces Lee pulls are unintentionally hilarious, or just intentionally hilarious, but they’re amazing either way.

Dracula dies a different way in all 7 of Lee’s Hammer films. Marathon the Hammer Draculas, and you’re going to watch the poor guy make these faces a lot. By the time I’d finished the series, I’d seen him die so many times I’d started kind of rooting for him as the underdog.

None of this is to take away from how genuinely menacing (or sexy) this take on Dracula can be ‒ which might be a little surprising, given this is an interpretation devoid of so much of what made Stoker’s original so threatening to begin with. For all the noise the Hammer’s scripts make about Dracula as “the greatest evil that ever lived,” this is a rare version with no interest in invading England, whose worst acts are inspired by nothing more machiavellian than hunger or revenge. We assume he’s out there in the countryside eating people on the regular, but it’s surprising how little of that we see. This is a rare take where you could make the case Dracula may genuinely have invited Jonathan to his castle for no reason more nefarious than wanting someone to reorganise his library.

I bring all this up not to convince you that Lee’s Dracula is secretly misunderstood (though, you know, by all means write me that fanfic) ‒ this guy is still seriously bad news ‒ but it is just a little embarrassing how many of his actual kills happen only as retaliation, usually after some bastard tried to kill him first (see Dracula Has Risen From The Grave especially) and fucked it up. 

He also hardly speaks. So little, in fact, that the supercut of every word he says across his 7 Hammer Dracula films is barely 9 minutes long (and about 3:30 of that is from the last just the last third of The Satanic Rites of Dracula, being the one and only film in which he actually shows some ambition).

Nor does he spend much time even trying to pass for human ‒ a crying shame, IMO, considering how well Lee plays the few later scenes where he gets the chance (see also: why Scars of Dracula is honestly one of my favourite entries, for all its many flaws). A Dracula who can lull you into a false sense of security has a whole other kind of menace.

The point here is that Lee’s really not given that much to work with. Bloodshot eyes, pointed fangs and cherry-red Kensington gore will only get you so far. Add in the fact that he has to put up with the indignity of looking very silly and being killed in some gloriously ridiculous ways, and keeping the menace going must be something of a job.

But for what he’s given, somehow Lee still pulls it all off.

Not many people could do that. Not many Draculas could do that.

Ultimately, Lee’s Dracula is more wild animal than evil, more of a presence than a character. But short of maybe Nosferatu, I’m not sure I could name a more effectively menacing Dracula.

Nor do I think I could name a sexier one.

Obviously, this is the very specific kind of “sexy” built entirely on (many) lovingly-shot vampire-hypnosis scenes, but Hammer really went in hard on the seductive-Dracula angle. This is by no means the first time Dracula had sex appeal ‒ Bela Lugosi had a rather intense female fanbase going all the way back to when he was only doing Dracula on the stage ‒ but now men were noticing it, and academics were writing about it, and that made it official. For all Christopher Lee may protest that he wasn’t trying to become a sex symbol, that he just “did what was in the script,” he still did that really very effectively. (So did the actress who played Mina, who was famously directed to play her following scene “like the morning after the best sex of your life.”)

The major Dracula films of the 20th century form one heck of a sexy-Dracula trend. Before Hammer, the 1931 film couldn’t more than hint at any fangs going into any necks. After Hammer, by 1979, Dracula’s seduction of Mina had become the core of the film. By 1992, Dracula had become the hero of a romantic tragedy.

But as Dracula became increasingly more of a romantic figure in those later films, he lost something of the core of the original sexy-vampire-fantasy that had all those women swooning at Bela Lugosi ‒ of meeting something so irresistibly alluring that one, long look into its eyes could have you willingly taking off the crucifix that was meant to protect you, and baring your throat to the beast.

I don’t think any Dracula has committed to that better than Christopher Lee. Whether he meant to or not.

Mind you, being Hammer’s Dracula, you’re also going to have to put up with then being suddenly interrupted, and having to stop, panic, and leave the building in a hurry.

Or getting caught in the act of trying to hide down a trapdoor, then looking urgently back and forth with a panicked expression, before giving up and just chucking the nearest candlestick at Van Helsing. 

Or that great moment where he’s finally wrestled Van Helsing to the floor and leeeeans in to bite him... with this one stray lock of hair in the middle of his forehead sticking up like the start of an impromptu mohawk.

Which brings us all the way back around again to the joy of watching poor Dracula have a very bad day.

Hammer’s take on the character always had its campier side, and was that much more fun for them. Even Stoker’s original novel had its moments, where Dracula twice pauses to make a grand, self-important speech right before turning tail and fleeing. Dracula may be evil, he may be sexy, but he’s a difficult character to play completely straight. And I don’t think even Christopher Lee ever really tried. Dude had some real comedy chops I don’t think he gets enough credit for.

We’ll end this ‒ much like the films ‒ on the glorious spectacle of Christopher Lee meeting his untimely end by making the fatal error of walking into a bush.

Classic.

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

Hi! What is your very specific Twilight AU?

okay, so. New Moon.

party disaster, dumping her and dipping, all happens normally.

but THEN. Bella finds out she’s pregnant.

(and I know you’re thinking- pre-marital sex?!?! Edward would NEVER! but listen. I am the author now. I’ve been around Christians my whole life. shut up!)

so anyway after a million pregnancy tests and a lot of googling about vampire baby legends, Bella’s like...well this is probably gonna be a situation,

Nessie doesn’t have an insane growth rate here because I hate that, so she has a normal amount of time to prepare, and she’s very...aware that the birth is gonna be Rough at best. So she goes to Jacob

who is NOT a wolf yet but Is aware of the pack and the treaty, and they are closer friends already, and she’s like ‘hey. paranormal emergency. you’re the only person in this town who enables me. help.’

 and Jacob’s like I’m Fucking Fifteen and goes and gets Leah, since she’s technically an adult and a girl

(ms. meyer How did you make one of leah’s only 3 character traits ‘upset she’s infertile’ and then not have her support bella’s choices in breaking dawn please make it make sense)

 so they start brainstorming solutions and the best they can work with is. Bella’s gotta ride out the pregnancy in hiding. they have no way of knowing whether she can survive the pregnancy and the only clue they have about whether the baby will be a monster or not is from google searches, but they also can’t exactly take her to an obgyn when her uterus feels like it’s calcified and her ribs are getting broken and she seems to be craving blood

So, Leah’s got her own little place. Bella moves in there, telling Charlie she wants to move back in with Renee (she knows her parents would never willingly call each other so as long as she keeps up communicating with both of them they should be none the wiser of her growing a little dracula in Leah Clearwater’s basement).

Leah has already defected from the wolf pack at this point (because...the Cullen’s left and she didn’t really like any of the guys anyway lmao) so they don’t run the risk of them hearing her thoughts while she’s in wolf form. She goes out and hunts animals, brings them back and her and Jake drain the blood from them so Bella can drink it. All three of them find this extremely disgusting obviously but Jake’s loyal and a little bit lovestruck, Leah’s a supportive friend and queen, and Bella’s just trying to keep her and her baby alive, and none of them feel like trying to rob a blood bank

Bella is 100% certain the baby will just be a baby who happens to like blood, like she was in bd, but the tentative plan is that if a crazy soulless monster comes out of her Leah will...handle that...

Which neither are thrilled about, so Bella’s just trying to focus on staying positive. And between that, trying to survive and stay hidden, Bella doesn’t really have time to...Check Out the way she did in new moon. Like, she’s absolutely still depressed, and she’s still getting an occasional Edward hallucination because carrying a vampire baby counts as reckless in many books, but she’s just more...resigned and pissed than anything. She’ll have days like the ‘possibilities’ scene, but more often than not she’s just telling the Edward hallucination to go fuck himself when he’s begging her to find the real him so they can have Carlisle deal with the pregnancy 

at some point, Seth gets roped into the whole mess (he’s prone to just breaking into his sister’s house) but since he’s like, 13 and The Best Baby Boy he’s immediately supportive. He didn’t even fucking know about the wolves and the vampires until he walked in on a six months pregnant Bella drinking blood while his sister and Jacob are hacking away at a dead deer, but he’s like...you know when you were 13 and sneaking around about Anything made you feel like the coolest person alive? point is he’s helpful

AND he can get away with spending a lot of time at Leah’s house without anyone finding it weird, unlike Jacob, so he starts spending most of his free time there keeping Bella company and brightening her day up

HE is the one who enables her when she comes up with the name Renesmee lmao

(just because she hates Edward doesn’t mean Esme ever did anything wrong!)

“bella I’ll throw you out of this house if you don’t come up with a real name” “leah she’s white you can’t just disrespect her culture like this omg”

anyway these four become the DORKIEST and WEIRDEST little family it’s cute

so then. labor.

it’s less...graphic than in bd because Bella hasn’t been actively dying the whole pregnancy and she doesn’t snap her spine in half, but it’s still. bad.

she essentially delivers a rock that Nessie then begins chewing her way out of. she’s actively bleeding out. Jacob’s having a panic attack. Leah made Seth watch so he would never have unprotected sex and the scare tactic is working. Leah’s covered in Bella’s blood which is not great considering she’s Holding A Rock That A Vampire Is Emerging From

Leah’s been taking classes and researching deliveries so she needs to stitch Bella up and see what else is wrong but Seth is rocking back and forth on the floor crying and Jacob’s screaming and pacing too fast to grab so she’s like. Bella babe I know you’re dying but you need to hold this thing for me ksjdfllksf

so while she’s handling That, Bella’s got this weird little rock in her arms and is watching the baby slowly fight it’s way out like this is a very fucked up egg or something and she’s just. overwhelmed. maybe it’s the blood loss but she’s looking at the messy, scrunchy little face and she’s already in love and envisioning their lives together.

and then, you know, the baby bites her,

she has just enough time to think ‘how did we not think to prepare for that’ before she can feel the venom coursing through her. it’s just as bad as she remembers from James’ bite but somehow...easier to tolerate. she blacks out pretty quickly

the other 3 notice and are like : 👁👄👁

Jacob...literally explodes into a wolf On Spot

Seth darts out the fucking door he’s seen enough for one day

Leah, sole holder of the braincell, realizes Nessie just bit and isn’t drinking from Bella, and deduces this is like...a survival instinct or something. the baby instinctively changes it’s mother first thing. weirdly...touching? 

So she gets the baby and checks that everything is physically okay with Bella (apart from you know. changing species) and is like...guess this is an issue for 3 days from now Leah

more immediate pressing issues: screaming new born baby and oh, yeah, the giant red wolf in the basement,

“Jacob I know this is disorienting but if you break anything in my house I’ll fucking kill you”

she really just leaves the poor boy to go get the baby cleaned up and warm up some of the frozen blood they’ve got in her fridge (RUINING HER TUPPERWARE, BELLA)

she’s not worried about the wolf pack mind meld yet because she knows Sam took the guys on a mission way farther up the coast for a few days and they’ll be too far away to hear Jake. hopefully, by the time they get back, Bella will be awake and they’ll have made an escape plan by then

and as she’s bottle feeding blood to the baby she’s thrilled that it seems to be like...relatively normal and not s horrific monster or anything. mission: unwillingly murder my best friend’s baby has been successfully canceled 

“Oh Goddamn it....Renesmee DOES fit you...”

Seth, from where he’s cowering behind the couch: “told you”

so, Jake eventually calms down, they spend the next few days cooing over Nessie and brainstorming how to handle Bella when she wakes up a vampire, and also nicknaming Nessie ‘Nessie’ because they know Bella will find that intolerable and they feel she deserves karmic punishment for stressing them out so much lmao

so, three days are up. Seth’s upstairs putting on a way-too-elaborate puppet show for the baby with not a care in the world. Leah and Jake are in the basement because they know Bella probably won’t want their wolf blood and their ready to phase in case she gets a little aggressive

but she just wakes up and is like. hey! how’s it going? where’s my baby?

sjdhfksdj they were expecting feral but Bella still has her super self-control. she didn’t even realize she’d changed into a vampire until they told her lmao

Bella’s a little too freaked out to try hunting yet so they give her some of the stored blood they’ve been feeding Ness and she’s like. good to go. Leah’s about to scream like have the elders been exaggerating this whole time or is Bella truly a freak??? lol

So, they spend a couple days just...relaxing, Bella and Renesmee bonding, they’re trying to come up with fun places Bella can move to with the baby so no one she knows finds out, and every now and then Leah and Jake go out and she tries to help him get the wolf thing under control

and then,,,,the pack get back from their mission early

and immediately are able to read Jacob’s mind

so they head over to Start Shit because there’s two bloodsuckers on their land but,

the pack not attacking because Jake imprinted on Renesmee? tired. the pack not attacking because Jake’s Alpha Genes have taken over and declared Nessie and Bella as part of his Pack and attacking would literally start a war? inspired

so they hash the whole thing out....ultimately Sam decides Bella is more of a victim than a threat, and since neither her or Nessie seem to be going on a bloodlust rampage any time soon...he decides to grant them immunity from the whole ‘kill the vampires’ rule. He’ll let her and her daughter stay in La Push as long as they agree to stick to animals and only hunt out of town. PLUS from what little Bella knows about the Volturi, she’s worried about them finding out about Nessie, so they’ll offer protection if that does happen, in exchange for her being able to help them with intel on any other vampire threats in the area (you know like. if a nomad is fucking stuff up in a nearby city, they’ll send her to talk to them first before deciding if they need to intervene. Sam has become acutely aware he has a lot of teens and kids in his pack, so he’s trying to keep them out of fights as much as possible)  

anyway that’s the story of Nessie gaining like 17 chaotic as hell ride or die uncles,

let’s fast forward a bit

it’s like 15 years later. Bella’s not living with Leah anymore, but she’s got a cute apartment in a nearby town, and owns and runs a bookstore on the first floor of it. she got her ged and did college online and teaches night classes at a community college. She’s still in contact with her parents, who Adore the life out of Nessie. She still helps the pack out and they’re all close. Nessie is a handful but in a fun and lovable way. They go on little weekend trips whenever they have time. Bella’s happy.

but then a. Situation. arises.

basically, the Volturi have been made aware of some unknown vampire chasing others out of the pacific northwest and conspiring with shapeshifters. and you know when Aro gets curious he tends to spin things dramatically. who’s to say this vampire isn’t conspiring against all vampires? against them? why has no one’s special talents worked on her? he simply must find out.

Bella and the Pack get word and decide their best course of action for now is to go on the run. they’re not gonna be able to take on a whole army but if they can bide some time and lay low they might be able to figure something out

except Bella is like....I have a teenage hybrid that the Volturi don’t know about yet...it would be EXTREMELY irresponsible to take her with me

but she can’t send Nessie to Charlie or Renee because they don’t know about her...dietary restrictions. She can’t stay with Billy or anyone else in La Push because the Volturi might trace the pack’s scent there and discover her. She’s panicking, they have to leave in a few days max and she can’t find a safe place for her daughter

and then she’s like.....fuck.

she had run into Jasper a couple of years ago- they have the same forgery guy and were heading to his building around the same time as a coincidence. She promised to forgive him for the party incident if he promised not to tell Edward he saw her and that she’s a vampire now. He agreed, but then told her Edward’s been living on his own for a while now and insisted on giving her his number...she never could bring herself to call it or delete it...but now...if she wants to be 100% Nessie is safe and protected...

fuck

So, the past 15 years have been fairly rough for Edward

he’s still convinced leaving in order to save Bella was the best course of action, but like...the vampires canonically mate for life. that’s his soulmate. he’s absolutely miserable without her. he’s thought about cracking and going to find her again but he always talks himself out of it, convinced she’d just tell him she hates him or something

so as stated in his patented Edward Cullen Self Loathing Guide, first thing to do is isolate yourself from all the lovebirds you usually live with. Sure, he keeps in contact, but...not well. he’s currently living alone and posing as a university student. He’s not even really sure what he’s supposed to be majoring in. He’s mostly been in a haze since he left Forks.

and one day....he gets a call from an unknown number. he ignores it, thinking it’s a spam call. but then it calls like 8 more times in a row and he figures answering might be a bit smarter than simply throwing it at the wall

And Edward...swears he came back to life and immediately had a heart attack the second he hears Bella’s voice

He feels breathless and disoriented the whole conversation, trying to figure out if his memory did her voice any justice, trying to rush out 15 years worth of apologies, trying to comprehend she’s actually speaking to him.

But Bella’s very blunt on the phone. She doesn’t want to let herself get emotional. She’s on a time limit, and she has to focus on getting her daughter to safety

And Edward swears he somehow misheard her the first ten or so times she told him. He had a daughter? that wasn’t possible

“she has the audacity to be your Evil Twin so I’m pretty sure it’s possible”

so she gives him a rundown. she needs to go into hiding, no I don’t need your help with that, gives him details about Nessie, what she’s like, what she likes to do, her diet, her favorite color, how annoyed she is by this whole situation, “Edward I know you don’t love me anymore, but I remember how protective you were, and that’s what I need Nessie to have right now. She needs you right now” and Edward wants so badly to refute Bella’s claim of lost love, to tell her he has absolutely no idea how to be a parent, but...her tone is aching so much he can barely speak. He can’t let Bella down again, and he can’t let this little girl he foolishly created and left down anymore than he already has, either.

So he agrees, she tells him to be at the airport in a few days, and hangs up. 

Edward loses about half a day staring at a wall in shock, before he jumps into preparations.

Bella told him while their daughter possessed some speed and strength, hunting was fairly dangerous for her. She was more delicate than his kind, and had a heartbeat. Reheated blood bags had been their best option, and she also needed human food as well. He also had to get a room ready for her- he wandered around stores for hours, reading young girls minds to see if there was any furniture or decorations that were universally liked- which was of course, fruitless, but he did manage to find a handful of things he was sure Bella would have liked at that age, and prayed for the best. He somehow got himself covered in purple paint that was a nightmare to get off. Bella had sent him some forged documents claiming Nessie was his younger sister he’d won custody of, and he got her enrolled in a nearby school. He lived every day leading up to her arrival staving off a panic attack.

it wasn’t until he was on the way to the airport that he realized he forgot to inform his family about this life update. they must’ve been on a hunting trip, because he got nothing but voicemails 

imagine being Carlisle and you come home to a voicemail from your son who’s banished himself from the family that’s just like ‘hi. you’re a grandfather now. I’m having a nervous breakdown and might crash my car. call me back at your earliest convenience I suppose” like what would you DO

 after he gets to the airport he starts panicking again, realizing Bella had never actually sent him a picture, worrying about how he’d find her, but then- he sees a tiny girl with untamed, dark red curls, features strikingly similar to his own that are pulled into the expression Bella always made when she was reading, absently chewing on her lip, and before she looks at him with her mother’s big brown eyes, he already knows who he’s looking at, and he’s certain if he was human his tear ducts would be having a fit right now

Renesmee, however, seems less willing to have an emotional meeting. She mumbles out a simple greeting before gathering up her bags and heading for the door, Edward rushing behind her to try and help

listen. the awkwardness of Charlie trying to connect with Bella. but 10000x worse because of Edward’s overthinking, self-deprecating ass and Nessie being like ‘ah yes the guy who broke my pregnant teenage mothers heart, fantastic’ lmao

the car ride is p a i n f u l. Edward’s trying so hard for light conversation and Nessie’s barely giving one word answers. Bella had warned her about the mind reading so she was carefully keeping her mind blocked, which Edward is trying very hard to be understanding about instead of annoyed, but By God does he want to know everything about her

when they get back to his place, she quietly thanks him for the room and then promptly locks him out of it lol. He spends the rest of the day just pacing back and forth until he realizes he should eventually feed her lmao

and that’s...kinda how the first couple weeks go. she only emerges from her room if he bribes her with food, she awkwardly tries to dodge his questions, he drives her to school and then begs her to tell him how it went when he picks her up, he spends his college classes distracted because he’s freaking out constantly about how to successfully bond with her. His favorite time of day now is night, because she can’t block her mind while she’s asleep, and even if her dreams are all nonsense they’re still...part of her that he gets to know.

His family keeps begging him to let them meet her, but he’s pushing back because if she’s this bad at adjusting to one new family member, how is she going to handle six more?

(meanwhile Alice and Rose started a group chat with her and are having a ball clowning Edward lmao)

wait ksjflksd I think this vine perfectly sums up the dynamic im envisioning  https://youtu.be/wQZIUHNORHg

anyway they....very slowly make some progress. much too slowly for Edward’s taste, but hey.

Like he finds out snacks she likes. or jewelry she likes. stuff like that and just...wordlessly leaves it around for her lmao. he thinks it’s like trying not to startle a deer, Nessie thinks it’s more like a cat trying to gift you a dead mouse, but either way it’s weirdly endearing.

He notices she always has a huffy little frown when he picks her up on Wednesdays. So instead of begging her for an ounce of information of her school life, he asks her one Wednesday morning if she’s excited for the day and she admits she has an elective class every Wednesday with a girl she doesn’t get along with.

He gets her school photos (and Weeps) and realizes apart from her room the home is fairly barren of decorations, so he buys a bunch of picture frames and hangs up the school shots, and some pictures of the Cullen’s over the years, and the few he has of Bella that he could never bear to part with. Other than catching her smiling at the prom picture of her parents, Nessie doesn’t say anything- but the next time he comes home from hunting, there’s a pile of pictures of her growing up on the table, and he starts weeping all over again as he hangs them up

(there’s one of her and Bella hugging and looking at the camera with identical grins and joy in their eyes, he can’t help but put that in his room. He hopes one day he’ll get to see a scene like that in person)

He starts trying to get her out of her room a little more- he still hasn’t managed to a get a ‘favorites’ list out of her, so he starts playing movies Bella loved, to see if any of them lure her out. some do, some don’t- he got halfway through a Lord of the Rings marathon, which was Torture in his opinion, but then Ness came out and quietly asked if he could restart it and suddenly they became his favorite movies ever.

Bella’s not able to contact her on a set schedule or anything because of her situation (and you can bet your ass Edward’s contacted every vampire he knows and ordered them to help her out if they come across her or the Volturi), and Edward realizes that’s probably taking a toll on the girl, so he starts telling her stories of her mother when he knew her in Forks. She’s particularly amused by the blood typing incident- the first time Edward hears Nessie properly laugh, he literally starts crying on the spot

could you imagine the sheer panic if she ever gets so much as a cold

And yes, she’s still pissed on Bella’s behalf, and yes, she specifically blasts 70s music because Bella told her he hates it one time, and yes, if he looks at her like he’s a kicked puppy one more time she might claw his eyes out, and yes, she refuses to introduce him to her friends from school because she Knows everyone will then start asking her about her ‘hot brother’ and she can’t live with that and also can’t live with him knowing that so she told him if he ever introduces himself to any of her friends she’ll set him on fire, and yes, she’s homesick 95% of the time but...he’s growing on her. like a mold, or something.

(okay, maybe when Seth tried to analyze why Mamma Mia is her favorite musical, he might have had a point. half a point. quarter of a point. shut up.)

And Edward’s still trying to not have a panic attack every time she’s out of his sight- he’s got Carlisle keeping tabs on the Volturi for him, and it’s not exactly hard for him to keep track of her through other people’s minds- but she’s so tiny and her heartbeat is Too Fast and what if she inherited her mother’s unlucky streak??

but they’re toeing the line of co-existing peacefully and Edward’s scared to push it past that

then he has to, because it turns out he sent her to one of Those Schools where the parents have to be involved in the school in some way or another and Nessie’s Annoyed

sdkjfsdkjf she keeps trying to get him to just sign up for like pta meetings or something and he’s like ‘I need you to understand you are the only person in this town I actually know or like I Cannot survive around fundraiser moms I can’t’ 

so she’s like ugh fine I’m in the drama club

listen.....Stage Parent Edward Cullen.......the power this holds...

that’s right this whole post was an elaborate ruse for me to make a musical theater headcanon again lmao

no okay but seriously he starts off just helping build sets and stuff like that but then midway through the year their music teacher gets fired and the schools like begging him to take over because they can’t find someone in enough time that’ll know the music for the show they’re doing and he’s like “I need you to understand Nessie will never talk to me again if I start actually working at her school” and they’re like “She also will never talk to you again if we have to cancel the big musical, though” and he’s like. fuck.

silent treatment for a week and a half

lmao so now he’s trying to juggle being an overly-enthusiastic stage parent who’s making costumes and sets and kinda crying backstage when he sees his daughter in her costume with also being the music director for the damn show and trying to teach a bunch of kids how to read sheet music 

one day he ended up in a coffee shop with the hair and makeup moms, gossiping about the cast’s love lives, and he literally doesn’t know how he got there

is it wrong to pass Nessie in class even though she’s putting all the wrong answers on the test but he Knows she knows the right answers and is only answering wrong to try and get a rise out of him

Bella sneaks into town to see the show- they thought it would push their luck if the pack came, but they sent an ungodly amount of flowers and candy. When she snuck into the house while Ness was sleeping she Was Not expecting to find Edward up to his elbows in sequins, trying to fix a bedazzler he accidentally broke in frustration, muttering under his breath about how if Nessie’s romantic opposite in the show doesn’t keep his thoughts clean he’s gonna kill him- and it just cracks her up. She WAS nervous about seeing Edward again but now she’s assured he’s still a dork lol

So Edward freaks when he sees her but they don’t wanna wake Ness up so they’re trying to be quiet but like. they’re going through it 

Like Bella Wants to be pissed at him but she can’t, she still loves him- and while she can’t just get over what he did to her, it’s also not lost on her that ‘leaving to protect someone I love’ is literally what she had to do to her daughter

And Edward....Edward, who only left to give Bella a chance at a safe, human life, seeing Bella in front of him as a vampire, knowing it’s his fault she ended up that way and she had to go through it alone, had to raise a baby herself because he’d made it so hard to find him...knowing if he’d just pulled his head out of his ass he would have been able to be there for her...would be able to form a coherent sentence around his love right now, would have long and fond memories of Nessie’s childhood, likely wouldn’t have to watch Bella hide from the Volturi...he’s back in a self-loathing spiral already

But they haven’t seen each other in so long and they just don’t want to...deal with the unpleasantness right now, so they just push it aside. Bella helps Edward with the costumes. Edward fills her in on what she’s been missing with Nessie. Bella tells him some stuff about when Ness was younger. They just spend the night talking, and it feels like no time has past between them at all- which just makes the heartaches a little stronger

When Nessie wakes up to her mother there she’s ecstatic- bubbly and loud and glued to Bella’s hip all day, giving her in depth play-by-plays of her school and rehearsals and friends she’s made, bouncing on her toes all morning, hyper, giggly, and- it kind of breaks Edward’s heart a little, even though he knows he hasn’t really...earned this side of his daughter, yet. 

(at least he got his wish of seeing their twin smiles in person)

(he wishes he could see them every second of every day)

so the girls spend the day catching up while Edward mostly feels like a thirdwheel, and then they have to get Ness over to the school so she can get ready

Bella decides to hang out around the school theater before the show actually starts- she leans against the wall next to the piano, the two talking in hushed tones while Edward runs through songs. Bella really missed watching him play- the only thing that managed to drag her away from it was when Nessie called her to the dressing room to help with a hair emergency 

she didn’t talk to him much at intermission, her attention being stolen by the rest of the Cullen family (who had been Very Loudly supporting the show so far, she knew Ness was probably dying of embarrassment backstage)

after the show, the three went back to Edward’s and just...talked. Nessie was gushing about the show and eating while her parents assured her she was the greatest actress ever born, simple stuff like that. she fell asleep sandwiched in between them on the couch 

Bella realizes she’s never going to be able to bring herself to leave again if Nessie wakes up, and tells Edward as much. He clearly doesn’t want her to go just yet either, but...she’s on the run, it’s not like she has much choice 

He has so much he wants to say to her but he just- can’t. it’s not the right time. but he’s hoping she can see that in his eyes

Bella shifts Nessie off her shoulder so Edward can hold her, and she gives him a light kiss and says ‘thank you, Edward’ before disappearing in a flash. she needed to go before she lost her nerve.

Edward can’t bring himself to let Nessie out of his arms, so instead of carrying her to bed he just stays there, holding her, trying his best not to think that that could be the last time for a long time he’d ever see his Bella again, trying not to let thoughts of a life he gave up unwittingly consume him

okay I didn’t mean for this to be So Long so I’m cutting it here uhh...let me know if anyone wants a part 2? sorry lmao

[showtoonzfan]

So, I consider Hotel Transylvania 2 as a good movie, mainly because I enjoyed it of course. I really liked the first one, and some of the elements in the second movie were a blast.

HOWEVER, there was one MAJOR problem I had with the film, now that I have a more adult perspective on it. You can feel free to disagree with me, but for me? This problem was a big deal. So what is said problem?

THEY DID DRACULA DIRTY.

And what do I mean by that? Well, let’s look at Drac’s character in the FIRST movie first shall we?

Dracula in the first film was a character who was traumatized by his past. He fell in love with a woman, and after they had a child, he lost his wife after she was killed by humans, and after that, he dedicated the rest of his life to protecting his daughter, but most importantly, building a hotel for monsters who can feel safe without any humans around them. His motivation throughout most of the movie is that he JUST wants the best for Mavis, as well as this upholding this facility so that no one will have to go through what HE had to go through. He loves Mavis and will do anything to protect her, even if it means lying to her and destroying something she was truly passionate about. He even made all the monsters think that ALL humans were bad people due to his past, even when he didn’t know that was necessary true. Dracula was a flawed character, but you understood WHERE he was coming from and WHY he did the things he did.

BUT THE SECOND MOVIE???

I have NO idea where the hell he was coming from. Hotel Transylvania 2 suffers from the same problem that the fourth movie had, which is how the writers made Dracula an ABSOLUTE UNLIKABLE TWAT. Dracula’s character is just SUPER unlikable here, and I’m referring to the plot with Dennis. In the first movie, I at least UNDERSTOOD Dracula’s actions, and why he did what he did despite being flawed. But in the second movie, he wants Dennis to become a vampire SO BADLY because..............??? I swear they never explain why. I will admit I haven’t seen the second one in awhile, but from what I can remember, Dracula just wanted Dennis to be a vampire simply because HE was a Vampire. The movie just made Drac look like an ungrateful twat who couldn’t be appreciative that he had a grandson at ALL. He had to keep constantly trying to change this poor little boy instead of accepting what was right in front of him, like how Dennis really liked Batman and Cakey, and Drac got upset at that. Like Christ Drac, the kid is what? 5 years old??

Its not like the reason he wanted Dennis to be a monster so badly was so Mavis wouldn’t make him leave, (because that subject only came up LATER in the movie) or how he was afraid of his fathers disapproval since he’s prejudice against humans, or that he was afraid Dennis wouldn’t be able to protect himself or something, the movie doesn’t do ANY of that, it just has Drac try EVERY which way to force this kid to become a vampire, and the most insulting thing is the ending. Dracula doesn’t even LEARN his lesson because Dennis becomes a vampire ANYWAY, so he never learns that what he was doing was wrong, nor learns to appreciate Dennis. Maybe it’s just me guys, I dunno, but Drac is just hard to watch for me in this movie. Maybe I’ll rewatch the second movie to see if my opinion changes, but I doubt it will. 😣

It’s ESPECIALLY insulting because I thought Dracula was written well as a character in the first movie, but here he’s just.......BLEH BLEH BLEEHHH.

So yeah that’s pretty much all I wanted to say. Don’t get me wrong, I still REALLY like the second movie, as well as the first of course, but man, Drac was just an issue with me guys......oof.

[spaceasianmillennial]

The thematic cohesion of the final CASTLEVANIA season

I love this season so much because there is such a thematic cohesion of themes and character arcs. The animation and the choice of structure has always been a shortcoming by refusing to find balances between separate storylines, but the themes and arcs felt potent and connected.

Those who stay in the old world or old thinking face consequences. Those who dig themselves out of the old world get rewarded with insight, rediscovery, and possibilities.

Isaac gets to rebuild. All this time, the lesson that the pirate captain gave him stuck all along. I predicted that he’ll have his moment of empathy for Hector because it didn’t feel like his arc would go the simple “I’ll get my revenge” route. He also even admits to one of his demons that their “fluid nature” opens possibilities for them, to even break free of Isaac’s influence.

Striga and Morana go and find their new world. They fold their cards and leave for a new life.

Hector... just wants to rest. And he wants to create. Yeah, poor guy will never play that pipe organ, but at least he’s writing a book.

Even though she’s an asshole, Lenore has a real true curiosity toward Hector’s mortal perspective. In the end, no, she doesn’t find the warmth of the sun and is like “oh silly mortal,” but at least in a playful sincere way that she considered and experienced it.

Saint Germain, and I love that shithead scholar, stays in old thinking and he sacrifices his morals in the end. His Beloved also lives in her own world now and he accept that he no longer really have space in that world anymore.

Sypha rediscoveries her Speaker roots and she’ll apply that to the new community.

Trevor Belmont, in spite of all the horrors and cynicism, now fully has faith in a world of rebuilding. So much that he finds it necessary that a he, a “killer out of history,” must go down with a greater evil so he can give that world to Sypha, Alucard, and the others. In the end (because of Saint Germain’s dying act of setting things right), Trevor is given a place in this new world order.

Alucard gets comfortable with rebuilding. Sure, it was by chance and the prompting of Greta, but he rediscovers that he can still sink into the role of helper and find love and community. He’s healthier by the end. He jokes more with Sypha and Trevor, jokes that he really didn’t participate in season two.

Zamfir is so stuck in an old world that she still believes in inactive--literally inactive--rulers. She at least dies on her own terms, saving people, declaring that her people will survive. (I admit, the welfare of Targoviste was left as a loose thread and the narrative might have benefited more if Zamfir survived.)

And Lisa and Dracula? They know that the only thing to do is to move forward. And both of them affirm they will get better. Heck, it’s even in question whether Dracula would have really been the rage-filled murder-machine even in the Rebis.

[itwoodbeprefect]

decided to just compile a bunch of comments about my sga 1x01 rising rewatch into a single post because i don’t actually want to make a hundred posts in a row, so here, under the cut, many rambles:

announcer guy does, in fact, speak english upon a second attempt. well done on not forgetting to not speak german, announcer guy.

“i’m afraid of the thing” elizabeth says, about the drone chair, while standing next to it and looking like she wants to fuck it

rodney in that orange sweater! very orange! very warm!

john is on screen. john’s first words are helicopters he knows how to fly. john KINDA LIKES IT in antarctica. john has barely done anything and i already feel like crying a little bit about this guy who LIKES ANTARCTICA because he just wants to fly

POOR CARSON when he almost kills two people. “ai told ya ai was the wrong pursohn” :(

i really love how john sees the drone coming at the (landed) helicopter and yells “get out!” and they throw open their doors and john JUMPS and then it’s just “ugh.” and he’s belly-down on the floor and still like, almost under the helicopter. an attempt was made, for sure. just not a very succesful one.

the way john looks around like he’s never seen a ceiling before when he enters the base is just. very funny. and then some guy in particular is looking at him because he’s a bit of a weirdo and john looks back and the guy sort of looks him up and down and john looks away as if to check if anybody saw that. hmm.

john’s face of “oops” after he sits down in the chair and it ACTIVATES and carson RUNS OFF to go get literally everyone and john is realizing he MAY have just made a very giant big mistake. PRICELESS

teyla: my people have long believed the wraith will come if we venture into the ancient city. sumner, when the wraith come after he ventures into the ancient city: [surprised pikachu face]

gotta love how john insisting on saving his people is what wakes up the wraith, and saving his people is also what landed john in antarctica in the first place because he tried it in afghanistan once before. which wouldn’t have happened if there hadn’t been an american war in afghanistan in the first place, which there wouldn’t have been if bush hadn’t thrown the us into it, which wouldn’t have happened without 9/11, so... bin laden woke the wraith?

on the other hand john would never have had to go on a rescue mission on his first day in pegasus if sumner hadn’t gone into that city against the wishes of the people that already lived there and had a history dating back thousands of years with the place, so more realistically, the expeditions’ colonizer mentality woke the wraith. and then they just kinda... kept going with that for the rest of the show, because it worked out so well on that first day.

anyway i’m not even there yet - puddlejumper! it jumps puddles!

have to love the moment john realizes the puddlejumper is pretty literally reading his mind and giving him anything he can think of that is within its power (so no turkey sandwiches, but that’s okay). john is already in love with it just based on the fact that IT CAN FLY AND GO FAST (“i kinda like it here”, restored) but then all the ancient technology just seems to know him and love him back and gives him way more than he even thinks to ask for. which, for john, who doesn’t really do well expressing desires? a FLYING SHIP that then READS HIS MIND? starstruck. love at first sight. john&puddlejumper, instant bffs. i bet it would have popped a compartment with some stray bits of wire if he’d asked for a friendship bracelet right then and there. ford sitting there witnessing this doesn’t even know how hard he’s thirdwheeling it in that moment.

now i am at the bit where sumner is taken from the wraith prison to see the actual wraith, and look, obviously they’re evil and feed on humans etc etc, but this particular wraith’s sense of dramatics? unparalleled. she has them bring her victims one by one to a large foggy room with a looong table set with a wonderful dinner and then she LEAVES a DEAD BODY sitting at the head of the table (implied to be the athosian that was taken before sumner?) and drops down from the ceiling while sumner has his back turned for no reason except the spectacle of it all, and dracula himself literally couldn’t have made a better display out of this. it’s maybe scary in the way that it makes clear she’s a cat toying with a helpless mouse before she eats it, but it’s also hilarious in the way that this is absolutely a very bored immortal being who had to stay up while the rest went to sleep and is inventing high school improv plays with her dinner for some diversion. don’t play with your food, wraith queen. you’re scaring your dinner.

life signs detector!!! ford didn’t get to name the puddlejumpers gateships, but that one stuck, no matter how much “we can name it later” john was trying to throw at it!!!

(god. there’s a ficlet somewhere in there about season 2 john having a moment where he realizes he’s on the hunt for ford using the thing they first discovered together and that ford gave its name.)

getting sidetracked here, but when john and ford find the group of humans caught by the wraith teyla goes “major!” and it makes me think that. well. how are the athosians supposed to know things like “major” and “colonel” are military ranks? what are the chances the pegasus galaxy uses the same designations? (don’t really know how the language thing works here - we’re hopefully not supposed to think they’re all speaking english, are they? i’ve never watched sg1, there’s probably lore about this, i assume. maybe alien titles somehow get perfect translations to earth ones and vice versa.) but i mean, teyla is too smart, she’d have it figured out already even if those words don’t exist in her galaxy, but some athosian somewhere is going to be very confused by this earth tendency to name way too many kids private and lieutenant, and then put all of them into the army. strange, to have your job decided for you at birth like that. earth people are weeeeird.

fjdkl john is like bye, gonna go find colonel sumner all on my own, run if you don’t hear from me in twenty minutes, and ford’s like “you’re the only one who can fly these people out of here” and “i’m saying i should be the one to go, sir” and john, with his savior can’t-leave-anyone-behind-gotta-do-this-personally-or-i-will-literally-die-from-not-almost-dying complex DOES NOT LISTEN to ford’s EXTREMELY ACCURATE objection. which is his right, as ranking officer, but is also a perfect showcase of why john Should Not Ever be in charge of atlantis, and why sam saying he was totally on the shortlist when she takes over command in s4 is funny but frightening if you’re on atlantis and like being alive.

sumner: “we travel through the stargate as peaceful explorers.” FDJKFD. god, that line, from that character, hilarious.

rodney comes to elizabeth full of enthusiasm about all the interesting stuff they’re finding in the city only to find her staring at the empty gate and when she says she should never have let them (the rescue party) go, he sobers up and says awkwardly “for what it’s worth, you made the right decision” and that’s GOOD that’s KIND.

back on the planet with the wraith everyone is running to the jumper while there are wraith darts whizzing through the air and teyla turns back, catches up with ford who was told to cover their six, disarms him (because he was firing at illusions, revealing their position), hands him back his weapon, pulls him in the direction of the puddlejumper, and PUSHES HIM ASIDE when they’re almost scooped up by a wraith dart, and i’m so here for teyla being allowed a moment of heroics that saves specifically ford, guy with a gun, and not a random athosian damsel in distress. teyla is fully on their level. teyla is perhaps above their level. thank you.

that scene at the end of this episode!! in which there’s a sort of party on atlantis and it’s all buzzing and relaxed while the athosians are mingling freely with the expedition members and they’re talking of friendship and ugh. UGH. there’s a better version of sga in an alternate universe where the expedition didn’t decide atlantis was totally theirs, actually, and they cooperate with the people that were already in the galaxy when they came there and learn from sumner’s mistake to actually respect what they have to say and form a single front and teyla takes over as head of the expedition in s4 when there’s a void left by elizabeth’s absence.

final thought that has always haunted me a little: john suddenly becoming the ranking military member on atlantis after sumner’s death is ?? one of those things where i wonder what the sgc was thinking in their personnel assignments. john wasn’t even supposed to BE THERE. if john hadn’t gone and sumner had still died (which was something they should have considered as a possiblitiy! they didn’t know what they were walking into at all! sumner is apparently the type to lead his own missions!), then what exactly would they have done? i don’t know much about how the us military operates but i’ve watched enough mash to have figured out the order of the ranks and it just seems. very odd to me? to take one (1) colonel on this mission and then ZERO lieutenant colonels OR majors (if john hadn’t stumbled his way into it, that is). like, are there any captains on atlantis? (i think there are?) or would ford, a lieutenant, have ended up ranking military member? this is like the surely-they-only-need-a-single-medical-doctor-right thing. WHAT IS THE SGC THINKING.

anyway. this was good. i liked this. i hadn’t rewatched the pilot in a while, and i only just now figured out how much of a while, because there was a bunch in here i didn’t remember. ON TO EPISODE TWO.

[back2themax]

Fright night review 

Charely Brewster is a dumbass bitch.

How are you smart enough to know your neighbor is a vampire and how to kill him but dumb enough to call the police and rave to everyone thinking they’d belive you?! Like literally he brought the whole thing upon himself, just had to look away charely. I’m. He frustrated me so SO much he was the dumbest person in the whole movie. He was so paranoid and loud and just- oh my god if you fucking take a moment, it’s all so simple. Annoying as hell but I don’t hate him.

The movie itself has a really slow start, it’s not that the pase drags or the humor is poor but there is just something about the first 20 or so minutes. Mainly just charely again acting stupid and bringing this on himself “huh I wonder what happens if I scream and rave about my neighbor being a vampire or a the murderer. I bet he’d invite me over for tea and shake my hand, not like get reasonably pissed at me”. However after the first half of the movie he , thankfully, grows a brain so hes easier to watch.

Peter Vincent, again a moment from charely of “I bet this clear charecter/host from tv is genuine in everything he says” he’s a tv host not a van helsing! Jesusssss. However I love him so much lmao, the trope of fake becomes a real one. I like his turn around his whole little thing. Coward sort of situation you’d expect. And the “oh my god I killed a child” thing.

So Jerry? The whole time I sat there like “your doing amazing sweetie” as he’s dealing with a really stupid kid. He already offered to stop he put it out there, once again this is all on charely. I would also be laughing if I was sexy, strong as hell and practically had this whole thing wrapped up as those trying to kill me are incompetent.

So they pull a ‘Dracula’s reincarnated wife’ with with Amy except they don’t explain it at all. I’m assuming it’s just like the trope wirh dracmina where it’s for no reason and makes no fucking sense and is only to give him a reason to go after her. However Jerry is literally fruity(leave the fruit bowl alone my guy jesussss) lmao. Billy is great I like Billy. He seams to be the reinfeild right? The familar, the minion, the protector. So was he like just then turned into a vamp or had he always been one. I’m still wanting to know.

So I think I genuinely forgot it was a horror film because in the late half of the movie it all goes from 0 to 100 real fucking quickly. The vampire and the effects crank up to 1000. Like holy shit, the effects are GLORIOUS, again I say bring back practical effects if I see one more non existent blood drop or bad motion capture I’ll scream. Seriously though when Evil starts dying I lost my everloving mind because yo wtf. It’s long and drawn out, gruesome and sorta really sad, poor kid. Then we have FUCKING BILLY. Where my jaw drops to the god damn ground because yo what the everloving fuck. However shocked I may have been, the effects were still somthing amazing to watch and I have major respect. Also Jerry’s death was done brilliantly as well, however the bat skeleton thing got me a little weirded out, they got ambitious.

Also seriously? The vamp faces are great and all wildly unique and I like that, however evil’s is now burned into my memory, that kid’s got some issues. I also like how vamp faces are sort of phases? You can do fangs, fangs and eyes, fangs , eyes and veins or full on night stalker.

A nitpick I have however, is that like The lost boys and Near dark, the one part of vampire lore that is really shotty is the cure. All of these movies establish that it is curable at a certain extent (because it’s a 80s movie and we just HAVE to save the day) however it’s always , almost always really poor logic.

Lost boys makes the most sense, as you can be cured as a half vamp if the head is killed. Easy, simple as your not LITERALLY DEAD yet.

Near dark decides to go the Dracula route with blood transfusion right? Except it clearly doesn’t know how it works. As van helsing would use it on Lucy while she was STILL ALIVE STILL HAD A HEART BEAT AND HER OWN FUCKING BLOOD. It really really shouldn’t have worked, considering in this universe once your bit you are a full on full out, no heart beat, no reflection creature of the night. It shouldn’t have worked on Caleb and sure as hell not Mae.

Fright night, all they said was kill him before dawn. It was well after dawn when they killed Jerry. So Amy shouldn’t have turned back just like Evil?

Idk I’m just nitpicking.

Ps- Jerry is really attractive and I need to stop falling for vampires.

[mst3kproject]

The Monster Maker

I could have sworn J. Carroll Naish was on MST3K at some point but the only thing I can find from his filmography that has appeared on this blog is Dracula vs Frankenstein, in which he played Dr. D'Ray.  Not that it matters.  The Monster Maker's producer, Sigmund Neufeld, also brought us MST3K feature The Mad Monster, and writer Sam Newfield penned both that film and I Accuse my Parents (not to mention the world's only all-midget cowboy musical, Terror of Tiny Town), but mostly I'm watching this movie because... well, you know, it sucks.

I know what you're thinking, and as far as I can tell, no, Sigmund Neufeld and Sam Newfield are not the same guy who's just bad at pseudonyms.

Anthony Lawrence is one of the world's greatest pianists, but with a concert tour finished he's looking forward to relaxing and spending some time with his daughter Patricia and her fiance Bob.  Sadly, this is not to be, as Patricia has come to the attention of Dr. Igor Markov, who believes her to be the reincarnation of his dead wife Leonora.  He spends weeks harassing poor Pat, until her father storms over to Markov's office to tell him where he can shove his attentions. Little does Lawrence know he's walking into a trap.  Markov has been experimenting on animals in his basement, and if Lawrence doesn't hand over Patricia, the next syringe is for him!

I have mixed feelings about this movie.  It surprisingly subverts several tropes of the mad scientist movie, including some it deliberately sets up only to pull the rug out from under them, resulting in a surprisingly happy ending.  On the other hand, it does this in ways that aren't always very satisfying, and its treatment of the disabled is frightful.

For an illustrative example, let's take Dr. Markov's caged gorilla.  The movie never tells us why he has a caged gorilla.  He says it's vital to his work but we never see him do anything much with it... I assume it's there because the caged gorilla was a standard part of the mad scientist lab equipment in the 1940s and 50s.  The only time we see him interact with it is when he sets it loose in the middle of the night to murder his traitorous assistant, Maxine, who had threatened to go to the police.  We cut to the gorilla back in its cage the next morning, and we assume Maxine is dead – only to have her walk in and tell us that her protective dog drove the gorilla back to the lab.

This is kind of a fun moment, not only because it's a surprise but because everything in it was set up, not just the gorilla but the animosity between it and the dog.  It also enables the eventual happy ending – after Markov is killed, Patricia worries that nobody else will be able to help her father. However, Maxine is familiar with Markov's work, and assures her that Lawrence will be just fine with a few weeks of treatment.  That's all quite nice for a mad scientist movie of this vintage!  It's also interesting in that it tells us these tropes were around to be subverted – that audiences in 1944 had already seen enough stupid mad scientist movies to know that the gorilla is supposed to kill the traitorous assistant and that the ending is supposed to be a tragedy.

The problem is that this leaves the gorilla with no reason to be in the movie at all besides to fake us out.  It ultimately has no effect on the plot whatsoever other than to establish Markov as a bastard, which by now we already knew.  You cannot put Chekov's Gorilla in a cage in act one, wave it around in act two before putting it back with a 'psych!', and then not have it break somebody's neck in act three.  It still has to do something, or you're just being a tease.

The fact that Maxine is able to cure Lawrence speaks to the fact that The Monster Maker is surprisingly respectful of its women.  Maxine is quite intelligent and knows her love for Markov is self-destructive, but feels she has devoted too much of her life to him to leave him now.  Patricia is a less substantial character, but her father treats her with great respect – when Markov demands Patricia in exchange for a cure, Lawrence continues to refuse even after the mad doctor has robbed him of his friends, his passion, and his career.  Pat's fiance Bob has fewer principles, as he repeatedly lies to her in the belief that he is protecting her from the truth, but this too is presented as the wrong thing to do and I hope we're meant to believe Bob learns from it. The screenwriters' general attitude seems to be that women should be allowed to make up their own minds about things.

Markov, as the villain, is also the movie's misogynist, and this is in no way subtle.  He wants to marry Patricia because she resembles Leonora – and that's it.  Her personality, her background, and her wishes mean nothing to him.  All he cares about is her face.  What she represents to him is an attempt to undo the wrong he did to Leonora herself.  We eventually learn that Leonora left him for another man, and in revenge he injected her with his monster juice.  He had hoped that her new love would leave her because she was no longer beautiful, but in fact Leonora committed suicide because she couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror.

This tends to make one wonder what would have happened if Leonora had tried to crawl back to Markov.  At the time this happened, he didn't yet have a cure for his creations.  Would he have gone on to find one sooner in order to help her?  Or would he, too, have rejected her now that she was ugly?  I kind of suspect the latter.  He's only sorry about any of this because she died.  He wanted her back less than he wanted her to live in misery, knowing that without her looks she would have no value.

Interestingly, this also applies somewhat to Lawrence.  As his condition progresses, he locks himself in his room and puts records on so that nobody will realize he is now unable to play the piano... but he also keeps the lights off and refuses to admit anybody, too ashamed to show his face.  Ugliness apparently makes both sexes unfit company for the rest of us.

Markov himself speaks with a German accent despite having a Russian name. He manages to be slightly less creepy than the Great Vorelli or Dr. Carlo Lombardi, but only because he never resorts to rape via hypnosis.  Upon realizing he has found a cure for a terrible disease, his first reaction is to triumphantly declare that he can charge whatever he wants for it... eighty years later, that's still depressingly relevant.

So all this is okay and at times fairly progressive for the 1940s, but now we have to get into The Monster Maker's attitude towards the disabled.  I've been a little cagey about exactly what it is Dr. Markov is doing to his victims, and you've probably been picturing some sort of mutagen that makes them go all lumpy and melty like that guy in Robocop. Unfortunately, no.  Remember acromegaly, the hormonal disorder that Richard Kiel and Rondo Hatton suffered from?  Yeah.  Markov has a bottle of it in his cupboard.

I don't know how you bottle acromegaly, but at least they did better than the people who made Tarantula and fucking spelled it right.

Acromegaly is not a cheerful diagnosis.  Lawrence's doctor tells him it's not fatal, but that isn't always true – a lot of sufferers, including Hatton, die from the complications.  It disfigures the head, hands, and feet, and would definitely be a devastating disease for a pianist... all of which makes it that much worse that this stupid movie keeps using the word 'monster'.  Lawrence even describes himself as such, comparing his situation to that of Frankenstein's Monster and declaring that he will similarly kill Markov for what he has done to him.  In the end he does exactly that, and the movie never addresses it on any level besides 'boy, good thing the bad guy is dead!'

This is probably because, clearly, the real monster Markov has made is himself... but that's subtext.  In the text, his monsters are his overgrown pigs and Anthony Lawrence.  I just blasted Tarantula for spelling the name of the condition incorrectly, but that movie at least did not even imply that its human acromegaliacs were 'monsters'.  They were in every way victims, even when their sufferings were as a result of experimenting on themselves.  Lawrence is also a victim, but the movie plays up the 'monster' idea in more than just the title: Lawrence's condition also makes him restless and prone to violence, as he repeatedly attacks Markov and at one point must be tied to a bed to prevent him doing so.  Markov suggests that this is a side effect of the hormonal problems, but Lawrence's own belief that he's becoming a 'monster' also appears to have something to do with it.

In the end, this movie is way too much like The Brute Man, in telling us that the ugly and disabled can never be an accepted part of society.  Hal Moffat was forced into the shadows, while Anthony Lawrence takes to them voluntarily, but for the same reason: ugliness is made for gawking at, not for normal relationships such as that between partners, or parents and children.  Fuck that.