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iisuya-simps · 3 years

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Hello! May I please request headcanons with the buster bros (+Samatoki? If that’s okay!) with an S/O who is into anime + idol (rhythm) games? Thank you! Hope you’re having a good day/night 💙

A/N: *Rubs hands together* Buckle up yall, this is a long one. I may have had too much fun writing this... :p lol enjoy~

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Ichiro Yamada

Ichiro first saw you at a manga cafe rocking some merch from your favorite game franchise and had to go over and talk to you

he also found out that you're into anime too

he may try and quiz you to test how into games/anime you are

his eyes light up and his heart pounds but he plays it cool

after a long interrogation conversation, he asked if you would meet him back at the cafe next week

he lent you the latest issue of a light novel that you never got around to reading

now he would have an excuse to see you again

a few months later one of your favorite animes was being played in the theatre once so you both went on a date to see it

if its a sappy rom-com he will 100% deny that he cried and brush it off as an eyelash caught in his eye

but he totally did

to be fair you did too

though he may prefer light novels over anime most times

he will totally sit down at watch the new season of an anime you two enjoy together

prepare for a brain malfunction if you tell him you're into cosplaying

"oh yeah I cosplayed them a year ago"

"y-you wouldn't happen to have any pictures, w-would you?"👀"

*cue nosebleed*

"That's it, I've found my soulmate" he says he's kidding but actually means it

ANYWAY

him being a weeb

Ichiro is also well versed in rhythm games

he will tell you if your waifu/husbando is trash or not

you both have your own little superstitions and rituals you do before gacha pulls

you might use a certain finger to click the screen because that's the lucky one

Ichiro turns the volume up and closes his eyes before clicking

"What no way!! CLICK MY SCREEN! YOU'RE LUCKY TODAY!"

"AHHH thank you y/n! Look at them! They're so cute!"

you both marvel over the cute characters

he is totally impressed by the songs you can do on pro/master

"NO WAY A FULL COMBO?!?!! You're amazing!" 😍

he will totally challenge you to see who can get a better score

but you always win

he did come close a few times

but gets flustered and flubs it up at the end when you're watching over this shoulder

he finds it cute when you're humming along to the songs while DESTROYING the beat map

Bonus+

*you unbox a package left on the doorstep to find a scanty cosplay* "Ichiro, what is this?!?" "What? I thought you would look cute in it" ;p "I'm not dressing up as your favorite idol!" "wh- babe why not?!" :"( "ok maybe..."

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Jiro Yamada

Like Ichiro, Jiro is a big nerd too

you two met in a soccer match of all places

you were taking a break during halftime when you quoted a line from some weird obscure anime

"No way you watch ___ too? I thought I was the only one!"

you haven't seen each other before because you're on different teams from rivalling schools

after the game he gives you his number then the rest is history

you two end up messaging each other all night talking about other animes and games you enjoy

he likes sports animes along with action and adventure

you also found out he plays rhythm games too

after a while, he'll invite you over to the Yamada household and show you his collection of light novels and games

"There's more where this came from, my big bro is a bigger nerd than I am."

you'll sit down on his bed and show each other your cards and play a few songs

"Jiro why is your tap sound louder than the music!?!?"

"I need to hear the beats or I'll fail the stage!!"

He might challenge you to see who can get a higher score

you both play on hard

but you're pretty evenly matched

"Haha! That's a point for me, y/n!"

"No fair! I don't know that song very well..."

If you don't have the best gacha luck Jiro will cry with you during your loss

he's not much better...

"NOOOO I PULLED THE WORST ONE"

and because of that, this boy spends all of his allowance on gacha...

"Jiro, don't tell me you actually bought a gacha pass..."

"I SPENT ALL OF MY GEMS TRYING TO GET THEM SO I HAD TO!"

"JIRO!!!"

"Y/N PLEASE, I NEEDED THEM!!" (╥_╥)

Bonus+

"Here Jiro I got you this." He excitedly opens the package. "No way! A ___ Figure??!" "They're your favorite right?" "YESS" He sets the figure down and bear hugs you. "Thank you y/n, I'll treasure this forever!"

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Saburo Yamada

Saburo picked up anime from his brothers

they would all watch action animes together as kids

until Saburo started a fight with Jiro and they tried to one punch each other out of existence

"HEY GUYS CUT IT OUT YOU'RE NOT FRIKKIN SAITAMA"

ahem. moving on...

Saburo is a nerd too

but he may be a bit more casual (in his own way)

he spotted you playing a rhythm game in the corner of the hall during lunch break

"Is that _____? I play ______"

"Oh really? Whos your favorite?"

"What? you like them?!? You have no taste..."

"W-what?! Shut up! their cards always have good stats!"

"But look how pretty this one is!"

you two quickly become friends and meet up every lunch and discuss things like your methods to preserve gems

Saburo likes making charts and spreadsheets to predict what event will be next and what characters are featured

"Haha! look y/n I totally called it!"

He likes collecting cards and comparing the stats

cause that's fun too I guess :/

He must assemble the best possible unit

I can see you two having competitions to see who can get the best score

or who can rank higher in an event

Saburo is very good at analyzing the beat map at first glance

he will also point out patterns he sees to try and help you understand the rhythms

he usually plays on hard and pro

while you do pretty well on normal or hard

he likes a good action/fantasy anime

but he likes sci-fi too

maybe even mystery

he was nervous asking you over to his place to watch anime

because you suggested a slice of life rom-com

does this mean he makes a move or you just watch it together and that's it O_o

Bonus+

"Yes! New high score! Y/n, did you see that?" You giggle. Good job Saburo. You lean over to kiss his cheek then see the smoke coming out of his ears. "Y-y/n!" *blush blush* "Hehe, you're so cute when you're nerding out.

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Samatoki Aohitsugi

Rio invited Samatoki out to a neat cafe because they offered cool exotic blends

When they walked in Samatoki was intrigued spotting your crazy colored hair and tattoos from the corner of his eye

which was weird cause that's not his type

or maybe it was

After ordering the coffee and sitting down Rio noticed that he was distracted

"I see you staring, why don't you go over and talk to her?"

"I wasn't staring! But there's just something about her..."

you were sitting in the corner of the cafe reading manga when he approached you a few minutes later

"uh hey, I like your tattoos"

"Oh thanks! Do you watch___ too?"

*casual panic* "Oh yeah totally, what are you reading?"

You knew he was faking it but continued anyway

"Eh, what's the difference?" 😮 "The difference is--"

He didn't know much about what you were saying but he loved watching you talk about something you were obviously passionate for

through an hour or so of conversation, you realized you both had more in common than you thought

he asked if you would like to do something like this again and gave you his number

You were happy to explain plots of random animes and games to him

Samatoki may not get the appeal but he likes seeing you happy

You go on a few dates and make your relationship official

he's absolutely fascinated by you and your nerdiness

"BABE!!!" "What is it?! Are you ok!?" "I JUST GOT A SSR CARD OF (insert favorite character here)"

Tch, *rolls his eyes. "That's good, right?" "LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE!"

he may get a little jealous watching you fawn over you your fav

"Hmmph, why would you want a fictional character when you have a real man right here?"

*author sobs* :")

you let him try a song on normal difficulty

but it is still hard for him

"What the hell! Why are these notes coming at me so fast?!"

He doesn't pick up any manga or light novels

but he likes watching anime with you though

preferably a good action and or adventure one

he may become more interested when the female lead shows up on screen

hey, eyes up here buddy >:(

he won't say it but he secretly likes romcoms

maybe cause Nemu used to watch them growing up

I can see him getting so invested he'll yell at the characters

"Are you stupid?? She's trying to confess to you! Moron..." he huffs

(he does this with cooking shows too)

Bonus+

"Samatoki come on! The next episode of ___ is airing! You rush into the bedroom. "Hey, have you seen my pho-" "Shut up, I'm trying- to win." You laugh hysterically at him stealing your phone to get a full combo. "You got this babe, I believe in you!"

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Thank you for reading!

#I may or may not do most of these things myself #hypnosis mic #hypmic #headcanon #hypnosis mic headcanons #buster bros #ichiro yamada #ichiro yamada x reader #jiro yamada #jiro yamada x reader #saburo yamada #saburo yamada x reader #mad trigger crew #samatoki aohitsugi #samatoki x reader

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astroyongie · 4 years

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❄️ Zodiac December Predictions and Messages ❄️

Note: I am finally back with a prediction after October’s (since I couldn’t publish November’s). Again I have used both Tarot Predictions and Astrology to do this ! It took me a long time so please enjoy it to the fullest and don’t hesitate to interact ❤️❤️ also this is my last zodiac prediction in my tumblr since next year I’ll finally open my YouTube channel where all my tarot and astrology work will be published !

-> Read your rising sign for accuracy ! Sun if you want more info ❤️

Aries ♈️

Hey Aries! December will depend mostly on the energy that you will be putting on the outside world. The planetary placements show this heavy karmic energy, even more with North Node being in Gemini in your 3th house. In other words, due to Mars being in your 1st house, you will feel pretty much fierce and aggressive which can possibly lead you to many arguments and miscommunications. You will need to keep focus and to keep calm, because the karmic energy will be sending your way the exact same energy you are putting out in the physical world. Many things will be able to come to evolve if you control that energy

To sum up, December will put you in a challenge. It’s important for you to be smart, wise and calm while dealing with your life in order to end up this chaotic year well. Don’t be restricted and caged up by your own negative energies. Mercury going to your 9th and 10th house will dive you into a deep thinking circle. You will find yourself thinking about your image, your values, the honesty of your friends. With Vesta in your 10th house you will probably feel like you have to sacrifice a lot in order to keep things stable. Get out of that way of thought.

Keep an eye on these opportunities that are coming your way in December. This is very general, but for some of you it might be something new coming up in love, relationships or in emotions in general. Jupiter in your 10th house transiting to your 11th house, gives you a calm period concerning your public image and your friendships. Thus, new people getting interested in you.

When it comes to your relationships, you can expect waves of strong emotions, coming back to the surface. I want to let you know that it’s very important for you to feel them to your bone in order to be able to deal with them and eventually turn the page about certain people. Keep in mind that your Juno is in your 8th and 9th house in December, so it’s all about letting go of people that have hurt you emotionally. Plus, with venus on the exact same positions, it warns you that love can easily change your values and perspectives. It’s tie for you to turn the page over that story that you had a hard time with.

Again, about your projects, work, studies, it’s going to be different for everyone depending that energy you are putting out. There’s definitely a transformation with Pluto in your 10Th house, that will bring you a change in your reputation and work, however it can be either positive or negative depending on the type of energy you are acting on. If I may help you out, Saturn is on the same placements that Jupiter, and they are in full conjunction, letting you know that you need to rely on your friends and people around you

Neptune is still in your 12th house, which can explain why you have been doubting yourself this much, why you have been feeling this alone. You need to understand that you have the keys to everything my dear Aries. You alone are able to open or close certain doors. It’s okay to take your time to be alone and make your decisions. But at the end of the day, you are the only one who can choose

New things are coming for you in December and by the end of it, you just need to control your fear. You are strong enough to be successful and to go through any difficulties as long as you put yourself first. Chiron is going back station direct in your 10th house, so I can assure you, that you will feel better, that you will heal up from the inside. You just need to visualize that you are like a phoenix. Burning itself to reborn stronger. Thus, this change that needs to be done in certain aspects of your life. Certain things need to come to an end in order for better things to bloom. All of these changes will make you involve in a personal and inner self level. Ceres in your 12th house will help you out, caring for yourself and caring and trusting your intuition to make the right choices

Taurus ♉️

Hey Taurus ! For you December is a month of celebrations on the general points. You will have better days than bad ones. It’s important that you enjoy the presence of your family, of your friends, that you try to create nice memories for the end of the month. Stability shall come through wise and introspection within yourself. Only after getting that stability out of yourself, will things get easier for you. Uranus in your 1sh house indicates a possible change in your appearance, in your body or in your personality.

However, that celebration won’t erase that awful feeling of anxiety when it comes to your money, work, studies aspects. You can thank your North Node in your 2th house, that gives you all that anxiety. You probably have huge questions and you doubt how things are going to work out. Even if you feel like your fortune is changing direction do not fall into despair this soon. Pallas in your 10th house is still working out for you, and giving you the energy and the luck needed to go through this aspect. Things might not come as well as you aspect them to be, but they shall come out positively still.

Now I’ve a lot of things to say about your relationships. Firstly, you will probably meet someone in December that will provide you a lot of help in the future, and for some even provide help in December. They will be important for you, so it’s needed for you to keep your eyes open, and to welcome this person in. With Saturn and Jupiter are sharing both your 9th and 10Th house and being in conjunction, this person will share the same liking, the same values than you and level you up in your public image

But ! It’s not only a bed of roses, because many of your placements show jealousy and envy. Venus and Juno in your 7th and 8th house, are letting you know that there’s a need to free yourself from certain relationships that brings you more harm and negativity than necessary. You were focused on that relationship because you felt like you maybe own something to that person, but hey Taurus, you don’t. Keep in mind that Neptune is in your 11th house for a long time, and it lullabies you into illusions and lies involving your circle of friends.

Which Is why there’s this need to stay and to be around the ones you love, and most importantly you family as I have said earlier on. If you have the opportunity to go out, to breath some fresh air, don’t stop yourself from doing it alright ? You have the right to sometimes not feel okay, and you have also the right to escape reality from time to time. With Pluto working in your 9th house, use these escapes, this moments when you are alone to think and to involve and transform your values and your way of thinking to more positive ones. You went through complicated months, thus, in December it’s important to release yourself from all the weight that you have on your shoulders. Plus, you unconsciously will feel very powerless, almost in distress due to your difficulties to make things work out. By discovering lies and truths thanks to Mercury in your 8th and 9th house your perception and values shall change.

When it comes to the personal and inner self, I see that you will many times wonder who you are, many questions like I’ve said, about honesty, lies spoken, about people around you. With Ceres and Vesta at your 11th house, you have way too much compassion toward your friends that it blinds you. You sacrifice so much for them, when some of them don’t deserve the half of the things you do. You are worth it, remember that. Speak to them, and get clear answers.

Now more mentally love, in December you will feel that desire to be free, to be happy since you are fed up with this instability in your life. You need to stop being the victim of your own thoughts, of the fake promises, of your obsessive behaviors. Thankfully Chiron finally going station direct in your 12th house, will help you out healing from that self sabotaging you were doing to yourself. It’s also this energy that will help you and make you trust in your intuition. Because the only way you leave that way of thinking is by changing your perception of things. Tell yourself the truth even if it hurts. Use the energy of your 12Th house in Mars to heal spiritually and mentally.

Gemini ♊️

Hello Gemini ! I know that the last few months have been chaotic and complicated to deal with. I’m here to let you know, that in December there’s this light at the end of the tunnel, and all of these crisis shall come to an end. This month is about dealing with these difficulties and coming to a term with it. It’s about you feeling more powerful, confident, self-caring and charismatic. Use Mars’s energy which is on your 11Th house to work on your social image and make it more truth worthy and healthy

Also, I want to warn you about this potential person that has been fake towards you, someone around you that is trying to manipulate and poison your mind. Use the energy of mercury being in your 7th and 8th house to communicate and solve things with this person. There’s potential information and mysteries that might be revealed to you as well. Chiron station direct in your 11th house shall help you out healing from whatever lies or misconceptions this person has done to you

When it comes to your love life, there’s a huge energy of desire and passion that is influenced by your venus at your 5th and 6th house. This energy can lead you to make reckless choices so be careful ! In any case, you can expect strong desires in the area of sexual activity, of wanting to be in relationships, of seeking attention and physical touch with people. Things can feel exciting and spicy when we add the influence of Juno acting of the same placements than venus.

Now in a more “worky” field, I want you to keep working. Whatever is on your projects, on your dreams, or in a personal healing. The work you have been doing lately, this month you shall keep going, stay perseverance and even if sometimes you find it difficult do not give up. Every effort of yours will be awarded. Ceres and Vesta are both sharing your 10th house, so it’s all about sacrificing things in order to involve in your working life. Be more compassionate toward yourself and the work you put out.

In December try to be more resilient and don’t let yourself be controlled by impulsive decisions and energies. There’s some things that don’t deserve the energy you are putting in. Due to Neptune in your 10th house, these things are mostly related to your social life. Make sure you sometimes step out of social media or step out from showing a side of yourself that isn’t truly you. All these difficulties you will be feeling in this month are linked to dreams and ambitions that are unrealistic. Of your ego self being way too far out while not committing yourself to sacrifices needed. Uranus will be in your 9th house, so this implies a lot of self sabotage and personal illusions due to this blindness. Please work on that to avoid future conflicts.

Furthermore I also want to let you know that this month will be the end of certain situations and/or relationships for you. During this particular moment which can be hard to deal with, you will certainly need to let go go things and don’t get attached to your past in order for the deception not to be more painful. You are responsible for your actions and not for people’s actions. Pluto is in full on your 8th house, so this change, this ‘death, this transformation is inevitable and you need to let it die and grief.

Now in a more spiritual domain, things are going to move and you might start to feel it soon, or for some of you it already started. You are very protected spiritually in December, and that thanks to your spirit guides so make sure to thank them in the best way possible and to keep or involve that relationships you might have with them. Jupiter and Saturn are in conjunction this month and they are also in your 8th and 9th house, so your beliefs and your spirituel self will be changing and in harmony.

Cancer ♋️

Hey dear Cancer ! Firstly, December will bring you success as long as you keep strong and perseverance on your work. Don’t give up on things even if you feel much stress. This month will also bring you a lot of worries and responsibilities but they are all linked to this success thus the reason you need to keep focus and not give up. Just like Gemini, you too need to work on your social image and reputation with your Mars being at your 10th house. also, Ceres in your 9th house will help you revalue your values and be more compassionate toward what you believe and fight for. December is all about you wanting to feel free and wanting to leave the cage you have been so long restrained in. Understand that the door is open you just need to change perception and leave !

Secondly, there’s someone around you, for most of you a masculine energy that will put you under pressure when it comes to money, work, studies. Keep in mind that this person doesn’t want you any harm, and just want you to level up and be more mature. Make sure you communicate with them and open up your perceptions about it. Mercury will be at your 6th and 7th house, so of course, communicating will help you see clearly but it will also help you organise that little mind of your !

Again, you too you need to be careful with people that are trying to manipulate you. People that are trying to change your values, your ethics, your way of thoughts. Make sure that in December you stop listening to people around you and that you work for your own things, your own projects and goals. Because Neptune in your 9th house can lead you to the tendency of believing others and creating illusions and masking your intuition when it comes to your own ethics and goals. And Uranus in your 11th house will fight off and awake you when it comes to certain “friends” and their intentions.

When it comes to your relationships I have two things to say. firstly, many of you might meet someone that can be a potential twin flame, romantic, friendship or karmic soulmate. For some of you this person is already in your life and thus, this means only an evolution in your relationship with them. Pluto is in your 11th house bringing you this transformation in your relationships and Juno will pass through both your 5th and 6th house, bringing you romance but most importantly healthy romance and joy. Secondly, December is also a period/month where you will be a big need of affection and physical touch, so basically a very sexual month for the ones that are active. This energy is pretty much overboard and being a cancer you might have waves of strong love emotions hitting you. You can thank that aspect to your Jupiter in your 7th and 8th house.

In a more spiritual field, there’s this need to free yourself completely of a situation that you have already been working on for months. That because in this month there’s this need to being emotionally stable and coming back to your sources and inner and spiritual needs. This situation you need to let go of, for many of you might be in relation to authority, unhealthy behaviors or a painful condition. In December you should try to let out that inner child of you, and have your eyes set in happiness instead. Saturn is in your 7th and 8th house and in conjunction with Jupiter so it’s the best moment for you to let go of things and heal. Pallas is also on your 8th house, giving you that little push and energy to turn the page. Moreover it’s a good month for you to do positive manifestation and visualisation. Keep working with your spiritual guides so they can work and improve things by your side;

When it comes to your more material and professional area, there’s a slightly bad luck in this month due to miscommunication within people around you and most particularly in your professional area. You are definitely being too passive this month instead of actually acting. Venus in your 5th and 6th house will give you energy to focus and organise your life in that area so take advantage of it.

Finally I want to tell you that your past is molding your future. The things that you have been through, all the doubts, the debts, the pain where necessary for you to grow up, to mature and to involve as a person but also in a spiritual way. Everything that happens in your life has a meaning and they are written in your karmic path. Ceres and Vesta at your 9th house will help you see things clearly, help you being more compassionate toward this mystic energy and understand that certain sacrifices are needed.

Leo ♌️

Hey my fellow Leo’s ! Once again, in December you will be confronted to your denials, to that unhealthy habits of denying things when you know they have happened or are happening around you. The fact that you aren’t accepting the truth about certain situations are blocking you spiritually. Neptune is still in your 8th house, so of course it has an influence on all of these illusions that you have, all of that psychological denial. But it’s still important to work on it to avoid pain when neptune goes retrograde.

In other hand, there’s also choices that you have already made or you will do that weren’t/ won’t be the best. These choices might feel like they are restraining you from moving forward. In order to change that, in December you will need to work on your perception of things. You are only restrained because you are allowing it to.

When it comes to your projects and goals, you really need to focus on it. You will have the tendency to lose focus on things, so try to stay motivated if you want to level up in that field. Saturn will be in your 6th and 7th house, so you can conquer and achieve goals through your relations. So keep going, keep working hard if you want to taste that sweetness of the reward and success of all of your work. Keep in mind that with Pluto in your 6th house, it gives you enough energies to transform your current goals into reality.

In addition, you should understand that you can’t do everything by yourself, that you can bear everything on your shoulders. Leo you have a great heart but don’t let people abuse it. Don’t feel responsible for things that don’t concern or depend from you. Thankfully, with Chiron going back to Station direct in your 9th house will help you heal your heart out. By the way it’s also this energy that will probably make you feel trapped in December. That will also come from a desire of changing physically and also emotionally. Based on your chart that desire to change comes from your Uranus in your 10th house which is awakening tour social image. Before you start any change, make sure to accept yourself as you are.

December also wants you to know that you will be able to find balance through creativity,as a way to escape your reality and deal with your emotions. Don’t hesitate to express that creativity by the mean you are the most comfortable with to find some inner peace. Juno in your 5 and 6th house will provide you that love for creativity and art. Also for your health, in order to improve it, improve firstly your actions, your feelings and thoughts and stop yourself from losing yourself in ghosts, thoughts and dreams. Many placements such as Ceres and Vesta in your 8th house, that are being compassionate towards you and pushing you to let go of certain people and situations. Sacrifices hurt but they are necessary. Or Mercury in your 5th and 6th house that tells you that your health depends on the joy and happiness you give yourself.

And finally do some introspection within yourself, be okay and agree with yourself no matter what. When it comes to your relationships, Venus in your 4th and 5th house, asks you to think well and to reorganize your relationships. Mane sure no one steps out of their boundaries and make sure you neither. Additionally, Jupiter tells you through the 6th and 7th house that a healthy mind comes from healthy relationships. You know where to seek and what to leave behind. And finally Pallas in your 7th house gives you the luck to keep the ones you love around, so enjoy it during December.

Virgo ♍️

Hello Virgo ! In this month you will finally be able to come with a term about some sort of the situation that has been running in your mind from the past months. You have a hard time moving forward and turning the page, but December will bring you energy to finish and stop certain emotions while helping you involve in your thoughts, mentally and also personally. Thanks to Chiron in your 8th house, you will be able to heal all of these past wounds.

To add up, this month will be rich in creativity for you. You will have so many ideas, and so much motivation and impulsivity to get things done. Whereas it’s good to have all this energy, be careful not to let yourself be led by unrealistic goals. Jupiter and Saturn connected in your 5th and 6th house will bless you with not only creativity but fun when it comes to creating new projects and goals.

Thus, a lot of dreams when it comes to your projects. I definitely feel like you will be in a dreamland due to all of these things you will be wanting to do, however make sure to work seriously on it and that you manifest positively. Pallas is going through your 6th house at the moment, so use that talent to create something nice. However don’t be scared to walk in. From what I can tell everything is in place for things to work out for you.

I have a few messages when it comes to your family. In order for you to gain and feel joy in December, keep a strong bond with your closest family and stop being so harsh on yourself. It’s a month to celebrate so even though you have many projects to conclude take your time to enjoy your family. Don’t be scared to let that childish part of you out. Mercury will pass through your 4th and 5th house, so it’s all about communicating, laughing and just be happy around your love ones. Plus, I also see that it’s a good period to connect inner self and family. It’s a good moment for you to take a step and develop your relationships or help people. Juno will be in your 3rd and 4th house so you will feel unconditional love toward yourself and toward your home.

Now when it comes to love and friendships. I see again that notion of letting go and being able to accept a situation that pained you ( for some of you it was cheating, a lie, a betrayal, ect; Neptune in your 7th house create that illusion and sabotage around your relationships at the moment). However for some of you it’s something that will probably happen in this month. Whatever the case remember your pain won’t stay around forever. Mars in your 8th house will provide that energy to move forward (it can also change and raise your sexual desires during this month as well ). To add, this is a month of engagement (in both relationships and professional so take what resonates with you. Pluto will be In your 5th house, so for many this will be in the relationship field). Make sure to follow your intuition, to let yourself be guided by your heart and not by impulsive thoughts.

Also, you have the tendency to lose yourself on your thoughts and December won’t be an exception to that. Try to balance your thoughts in a positive way. It’s nice to take care of ourselves physically and in appearance but make sure you do the same with your mind. Don’t let yourself be consumed by obsessive thoughts. Another advice I have for you is for you to try and create something based on what you already have. Work with what you are and not with whom you could have been. The world is a reflexion of your love and intentions.

To finish up, the last things I have to say, is that remember that in order for success sometimes we need to let something behind. But leaving something behind hasn’t always meant losing. Sacrifice can lead to something good, even more with Vesta in your 7th house. Even when you will need to be alone, to be with your own thoughts, even when things are weighting, keep in mind that the reward will be sweeter.

Libra ♎️

Hey Libra ! For you December will be a good month full with surprises. Firstly it’s a favorable period when it comes to succeeding in projects, in studies or professional life, goals and with money in general. So yeah ! Take profit of it but don’t get too high of yourself, because nothing is surely secure. Enjoy this period while being humble and the love of your Juno’s energy in the 2nd and 3rd house to involve your skills and your leaning.

Secondly, when it comes to relationships it will be overall a calm and happy month, with a good communication flowing since Mercury in your 3th and 4th house is working on your deep connections and home. But that isn’t stopping you from looking ahead. Be careful not to be wishing for things that you don’t have while neglecting what you already have. Try to focus on your current relationships and home before you look forward with what you want more. In any case with Jupiter and Saturn in your 4th and 5th house and In full conjunction, everything will go fine for you when it comes to love and family.

When it comes to personal and close relationships like friendships and love life, I see a lot of celebration and happy times which is very positive to end up this year ! For some of you (take what resonates) there’s will be marriage announcements, a baby coming or being born, happy news around your family or just in your social life in general. Mars in your 7th house will give you the energy to focus and be fully into this energy of celebrating for most of the time. Keep in mind that if some relationships end is because you clearly don’t need them in this happy circle and in any case Chiron in your 7th house will heal you up when it comes to that.

So to sum up globally it’s a good month for you, and if some of you can or will travel during the Christmas breaks, then enjoy it fully and use that to see new things and breathe new air. Even if there’s lots of work to do, make sure you also relaxe and take your time to enjoy things. Ceres in your 6th house asks you to be compassionate and to also take care of your health besides your work. It’s important for you to know that your body and mind are connected, and that if you want to change something in your physical body, start by changing it in your head. Your body will change and involve based on your mind and spirt, and any physical pain your feel during December are directly linked to psychics pains and needs.

Another thing I want to point out is the fear many of you feel in being independent. I see that taking that independence scares you, because well we never know what it will happen and putting ourselves in a vulnerable environment isn’t always easy. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed sometimes and needing to take a time alone to cry. Just keep in mind that there’s changes needed in order to develop in a personal level. Plus Pluto in your 4th house, this change in your home, in your personal dependance will happen soon or later.

Your work, your values, your ethics and service has more value than you and think which is way you need to focus on keep your path. Even if you deal with a difficulty (deception or loss) remember that nothing is lost and that love and opportunities can bloom again. You have good energy in December, strength and determination so you will be able to put up with with whatever life throws at you.

And finally, to finish up, try to change the perception and your reality about certain situations in other to understand them better. Try to recognize the emotions and the feelings you will have about a certain situation to change it up. Since Neptune is in your 6th house, you have a period where you can easily neglect your health or self sabotage yourself. So it’s a favorable period for you to purify yourself and work on a soul/energetic healing. Take care of yourself, talk or pray to your spirt guides, and find a path where you can be lullabied by the love of spirituality.

Scorpio ♏️

Hey Scorpio ! I see that you have been in a period where you pretty much felt alone, a period where you were by yourself with your own mind and thoughts. And in December you will finally start to see things clearer. It’s a good month for you to finally start letting things behind your backs, and turn the page about certain situations. All of these toxic and unhealthy behaviors, addictions, unhealthy relationships, the situations that were chaining you up. It’s all becoming clear and you will be able to start leaving it in the past.

Furthermore, make sure you keep being strong and you keep fighting for what you believe. Because even if I see that you might feel tired and out during December, you shouldn’t give up your fight. Not when the signs are clear that by the end of December early January, many of you will leave your emotional bagages behind yourselves to finally start something fresh and new, with better and more health perceptions and actions. With Pluto working in your 3rd house, you will feel in your bone all of these transformations in your mind, perceptions, thoughts and communication. It’s time for you to purify yourself and start working on your chakra throat energy which for some of you remains blocked (thus it explains why some of you might have a hard time with communication). Speak with people to avoid misunderstandings and to solve arguments from the past and future during December. Chiron in your 6th house shall help your healing process about your mind and health.

However I also feel and see that most of you are reticent to make that change in December. Like the energy is here and some of you will embrace it while others are still unsure on how to do it/deal with it. Make sure to be persistent. Be careful with people that might try to bring you down and that aren’t very good for you.

When it comes to your love life, you will probably feel very sensual and/or sexual during December, but that sensuality comes from an emotional place. As a Scorpio you might unconsciously lead things through sexuality sometimes. In any case express yourself, your desires and emotions, even more when Venus is on your 1st and 2nd house, making your charming and very possessive toward things and people that you already have. Another advice for you would be to work on all of your relationships and make them involve. There’s happiness as long as you allow it to come in. Ceres in your 5th house asks you to take care and be more compassionate toward your relationships.

About love, I have another few things to say. For most of you (again, take it only if it resonates) you have been fighting for a relationship that isn’t possible (love or friendships). You need to try and understand that we shouldn’t force a relationship that doesn’t work. Purify your heart and let go even though I know it’s going to hurt. Vesta is on your 5th house and thus you will have to sacrifice love. It’s your choice if you want it to release your heart or to keep fighting for something that won’t happen. However that doesn’t mean that you cannot love. Of course you need to be around people you like, but be around people that make you feel healthily well. Romantic life can be destructive and lead you into strong waves of emotions. Neptune in your 5th house as well, is clouding your judgment over love in general, so take a step back to evaluate things.

When it comes to your work/studies/projects/goals you have been waiting ro a long Time to see the results of your efforts, and the world is letting you know that you need to keep working and involved your intellectual. Indeed, you are in a good period to learn and to develop your inner skills even though you need to wait to have results. Thankfully with Uranus in your 7th house, everything is working in your favor for positive results so hold on tight.

And finally Scoprio, for December the benedictions will come as soon as your work on your throat chakra and also in your third eye chakra. It’s only by organizing your mind that all the blessings shall come to you. With Mars going through your 6th house, the universe really wants you to organize your health and for you to start working In yourself in a higher level. Listen to your body, to your needs while also knowing your limits. You have the strength to fight things so it’s a good time to meditate.

Sagittarius ♐️

Hey Saggs ! you will be finally leaving a very complicated and heavy emotional period and in which you will still be working in December. There’s this glimmer of hope that will help you to get out of these mental patterns, get out and free yourself from stress and insecurities, so keep working on that.

Secondly, there’s a stability that will be installed when it comes to your goals, projects, professional life and studies. You have been going through many responsibilities and things are finally going to be more balanced for you. Also watch out for potential family issues since your Vesta and Neptune in your 4th house are currently influencing your home.

When it comes to your relationships, mostly your friendships, there’s people who you have doubted a lot, with whom you haven’t been very just and right that are actually your true friends and the people whom you should trust and love. It’s also a month where you will realize you haven’t been good to the ones that derived and that you have been too good with the ones that didn’t deserve you one bit. Thus, it’s important that you start doing some introspection in your friendship life to divide the ones you should keep and the ones you should slowly push away and let go. Venus is on your 12th and 1st house while Chiron is going through your 5th house, so it’s an energy that will help you heal your heart, heal your joy so you can free yourself from these chains.

When it comes to your more professional life (including studies and goals, projects), December offers you a good period to work and develop your abilities while being careful not to wish yourself too much since there’s a high risk of burnout if you do. With Jupiter and Saturn being in conjunction this month in your 2nd and 3rd house and the influence of your Uranus in the 6th house, there’s a huge wave of abundance, awakening and achievement when it comes to leaning and succeeding in your professional life. It’s a month were things will come true, in which where you have been working will show your rewards, so keep working and of course enjoy what you will accomplish !

Also December is a month where you need to take care of yourself , where you also need to focus on doing things that you like and in what brings you pleasure and joy. Start by involving your inner beauty as well as your outside beauty. Take care of your body as it deserves it. Juno will pass through your 12th and 1st house, so it’s time for you to start being melancholic and loving yourself more. Plus, I can see a heavy desire of changing, or building your walls in a more healthy and strong way so you don’t be as vulnerable as you have been the past months. Which is way in December you need to work on yourself. Be kind to yourself.

That’s because there’s an instability, mostly emotional ad mental that can provoke pithing you pain and denial, since you have the tendency to hide yourself behind a mask. So no matter the difficulties that you might have to go through this month, don’t give up and set your eyes on a higher prize.

Keep in mind that you need to trust your own intuition and abilities to be able to go through difficult paths. Don’t trust what people around you tell you, because the way they see their path isn’t the same as the reality of yours. Let the energy of Pluto in your 2nd house transform your wisdom and your values. It’s time for you to dig out all of these hidden abilities that you have been neglecting and ignoring. Use your strengths to the fullest, learn your lessons and move forward.

Capricorn ♑️

Hey dear Capricorn ! For this month of December you need to keep strong and to keep working on your projects, goals, studies and professional life. You in are in a good period to succeed and all of the work that you will be putting in December will result into something durable and positive.

So trust your intuition and keep working truthfully to be able to turn all of your goals into reality. Plus with your Pallas in your 2th house, this energy helps you develop and involve your skills to go further. December is a month where you will be conscious of your values and of the plans you want to accomplish for your future self.

As you know I usually don’t sugar coat things in my readings. So despite this success you will have in that area of your life, you need to prepare yourself for a potential deception, loss, or anything remotely negative. For some of you it’s directly to a person, but also to something you hold dear, a situation, but also mental like thoughts, relapses, obsessive thoughts which will lead you to negative tension in December. Venus in your 11th and 12th house is giving you this feeling of being alone and abandoned by the ones you care the most. Make sure you seek help professional if needed during this more complicated phase. You aren’t alone sweetheart. Mercury is in your 12th and 1st house, so please communicate in order to feel better.

When it comes to your home, if you can try to spend as much time as you can with your maternal figure. Cause this feminine person will be one of the only persons that will be able to calm you down, to comfort you when you will need the most. dont be afraid to speak with them. With Mars and Chiron in your 4th house, you will be receiving a healing energy from your family cocoon.

In another perceptive, when it comes to your relationships/friendships, don’t expect a good period either. There’s a huge lack of communication, mostly from you since you have a hard time expressing your feelings and needs toward the ones you care and trust. Furthermore, there’s someone from your friend groups, or at least someone around you that is very toxic, very manipulative and who’s using that low energy of you to drag you down. Don’t give them what they want. Keep yourself strong and fight them off, remove them of your life. Despite the fact that your Juno is in your 11th and 12th house and that this energy makes you retaining yourself, gives you feelings of loneliness, don’t give up. There will better days, and again, you aren’t alone.

This foggy period calls you to be courageous and calm so your perception of things can change. Use that to see what are the wounds that are stopping you from progressing, since your anger, pain and fears are darkening your potential and it’s that darkening that puts you in that mental anguish. Neptune in your 3rd house is maybe one of the reasons since it’s sending you illusion energies mentally, and also pushing you into self sabotage and solitude. You need to be the Artis of your own painting. You are the one who can be responsible for your own colors and actions, so free yourself from things that you know are holding you back so you can paint freely.

To wrap it up, don’t lose hope and don’t fall into distress. It’s easy to fall into a dramatic melancholic feeling, but you are strong enough to make it stop. You have more mental strength and energy than you think, and sometimes you just need to stop thinking that the world and people are against you for things to get better. Don’t let your mind trick you. Pluto is in your 1st house so use that energy to awaken yourself and change these traits of personality that are negative to you.

Aquarius ♒️

Hey Aquarius ! The first thing I see from you in December is this conflict with someone above you, with someone authoritative (could be a parent, a teacher, a family member, boss, etc). It’s mostly a masculine energy. This person definitely will upset you and you will have a hard time accepting that happened. It’s important for you to slowly step away from this situation to focus in yourself since you aren’t in a good period to start and continue conflits.

As for your professional life you will experience some difficulties in your projects, goals, studies, money, so it’s okay to accept help of those whom are presenting it to you. If you won’t accept help and stay in your prideful state you might find yourself in a harsher situation in January so be careful. Neptune and Vesta re sharing your 2nd house, so you need to make sacrifices in that area of your life, and stop being into denial and illusions concerning your financial status, your work and possessions.

When it comes to your relationships, your feelings will mostly be linked to your family and your friends. You can actually find some happiness, joy and comfort if you give it a change. Uranus in your 4th house will help awaken that aspect. In a more positive aspect, there’s this twin flame, romantic/friendships and karmic soulmate energy around you. For some it’s about developing and involving the relationships you already have with them (if they are in your life) while for others it’s the possibility to meet one of them. Due to Juno being in your 10th and 11Th house, it can potentially be a friendship soulmate.

Spiritually it’s quite empty. Your soul needs something, missing something or someone that you can’t get back. You need to accept what you can’t change. If you can try to work spiritually, on meditating. You are in full spiritual transformation with Pluto in your 12th house

To continue, i see a lot of blame in December because of certain things that you will understand you weren’t very good at, or being very nice with. Try to work on that and of course to heal and fix any issue or wound you might have caused. Mercury is in your 11Th and 12th house, so it’s important that communication with people about all the sabotage and illusions you might have brought. Also don’t worry everyone can make mistakes. Oh and be careful with your health since stress can get the best of you in December.

It would be also nice if you undergo that the influence of your past can help you change your future. You might feel stuck in the present life, so take a step back. Think about why and how you keep attaching yourself to the past and how you can free yourself from relationships that could have been/ are toxic to you and that are burning you out. Focalise yourself in your health and on healing your heart so you can still involve in an inner personal level. Chiron will be in your 3rd house, so use that healing energy to heal your mental and your thoughts.

And finally, you might feel during this month as if you reach a deadend. You will feel tiredness,but you can only find strength within yourself. Try to take care of yourself and to get some rest to find some happiness. Mars in your 3rd house is telling you to work in your communication but also in your mental and in your activities to find a more healthy state. don't lose hope, no matter the field or area keep working on your goals, in your relationships and skills, keep your objectives clears and don’t give up. Things will eventually clear out.

Pisces ♓️

Hey my dear pisces!For you December brings you atotal paradoxical feeling but pisces are the paradoxe itself. In one hand you will feel recovered, full of desires and of strength even though you don’t fully understand why you feel like this and where all this energy comes from. In any case it’s also good that you have all of this positive energy in you

But in another hand you will also probably suffer from some complications, difficulties when it comes to your relationships love or friendships. For many of you this is about a deception, a betrayal, lies. And even though it’s going to hurt it’s important for you to be able to turn the page quickly. Pluto is in your 11Th house, which can explain why there will be some radical changes when it comes to your friendship life.

In addiction, there’s a lot of truths that will be revealed to you, and these truths are what will make you have a hard time turning the page, since there’s some truths that aren’t always easy to hear. Your Jupiter and Saturn are both in the 10th and 11th house and they are in conjunction this month. And thus it’s bringing you (again) paradoxal energy of wanting to be alone and illusions made by certain friends. Many masks shall fall this month (either yours and people around). Don’t be what others expect from you and be the person that you want to be

When it comes to your professional life we find again that huge energy and motivation to get things done, so it’s a good period for you to keep working not only on your projects and goals but also in yourself ! Don’t procrastinate and go work ! Juno will go to your 9th and 10th house so it’s the perfect moment to find work and objects enjoyable.

Now I have some advices for you pisces ! Firstly that feeling of loneliness you might feel during this month comes from the fact that unconsciously (or not) you are still calling, still asking for that person to come back, when you know they won’t hear you. This gives you an emotional vulnerability. Plus with Neptune in your 1st house, that feeling of loneliness, of sadness is accentuated. To heal (also to heal spiritually) I would advise you to light up candles. You don’t need to pray, to light up candles for certain people, deities or spiritual guides but it’s advised. However this feeling of grief, os nostalgia shall go away, you shall be free the same way wax burns from the candle. Uranus is in your 3rd house, so you will have and you will start awakening mentally.

There’s a real need for doing some introspection, of calmness and cleverness. Don’t fall into impulsivity and anger from that strength you will also feel, try to keep yourself focused. Ceres in your 1st house calls you to take care of yourself. If you can, try to spend some times with animals, and with pets in general ! If you don’t have any, try to look at videos of your totem animals. Try to be in contact with them to heal from the inside.

#astrology #tarotreading #december

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king-paimon · 4 years

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Houseki no Kuni Chapter 94 Thoughts: Inheriting the burden

This chapter was worth the two month wait. And to be honest, I’m kind of glad that we didn’t get this chapter last month because, if you saw my previous post, October had been very hard for me for several reasons.

But yeah, this chapter... So short but impactful. And heartbreaking, as usual. I’m still surprised by how some of the things in my old prediction from over a year ago happened, but the results are more gut-wrenching. One of main differences being that Adamant was actually happy to go and the other is Phos being alive, though clearly dead inside now. If you’re interested in seeing this post, here’s a link: https://king-paimon.tumblr.com/post/188597157145/hnk-theoretical-ending-worst-case-scenario

Anyways, this chapter is very straightforward and I don’t have a lot to talk about so this post won’t be super long. Like always, feel free to share your own thoughts with me and I apologize for mistakes I’ll surely make. I’m definitely going to make edits on this one. (I did make some edits. I hope you read them!)

Goodbye Adamant

(Chapter 94, Page 03)

Sigh. Seeing Adamant disappear the way he did was very sad, and also tranquil, in a way. It looks like it was true that after everything he went through, from watching humanity die to watching his precious gems be taken time and time again because of him, and him being unable to fulfill his true purpose, he had been wanting to disappear for a long time. And finally, Phos was the one who liberated him, even though it was definitely not intentional. I talk more about this in depth in the post for Chapter 93: https://king-paimon.tumblr.com/post/631282595252043776/hnk-chapter-93-bittersweet-victory-bittersweet

Also mentioned in that post, I made a prediction that when Adamant crumbles, all that would be left was an eye. This was based off of several observations of him in the previous chapters and for a while, an eye would be associated with him, like him holding onto Phos’s eye or the first machine’s eye. I can’t believe it actually happened. I was loosing it when I saw the first leaks.

Now Adamant’s eye is part of the Phos’s new ‘human’ form, and it’s showing Phos these horrifying visions. Just like when Phos inherited Lapis Lazuli’s head and Cinnabar’s mercury, it looks like Phos inherited Adamant’s memories and those scenes were likely memories of humanity’s destruction. I wonder if these visions also somehow alludes to the possibility that this destruction might happen again.

One thing that has me a little perplexed was his final words to Phos. At first, I thought it was nice that his last words were words of encouragement... But I looked again and he said to Phos that they should “pray wholeheartedly for happiness.” Was Adamant specifying to Phos to pray for their own happiness or for everyone else’s? Like, did he also envision Phos taking over his role? I hope not. I don’t know, but I want to think that Adamant was wishing Phos luck in finding peace. I hope I’m just over thinking this page, in fact, I’m sure I am. But let me know what you guys think!

I’m a little disappointed that we didn’t get to see Adamant and Aechmea interact directly. Maybe Ms. Ichikawa would find a way, since it looks like the lunarians collected Adamant’s remains, but we’ll see.

But yeah; Adamant is now free from the burden of existing. But sadly, and predictably, that burden is now Phos’s.

Inheriting the burden

It looks like it all but verbally confirmed now: Aechmea’s true goal for Phos was for them to take over Adamant’s role as the one to pray. And it was fascinating how even though Aechmea didn’t say a thing in this chapter, he continues to show how methodical and conniving he is. What an amazing antagonist he is. Hopefully he’ll talk the next time we see him. Maybe he’ll try to manipulate Phos into thinking that taking over Adamant’s position is a good thing for them, maybe play on Phos’s old desire to find their purpose. But I’m also fine if he doesn’t. I’m glad that it’s becoming clear to Phos that Aechmea was just using them once again, but this time the price of their actions have permanent consequences.

(Edit: In addition to Phos becoming Adamant’s replacement for praying, it’s understandable to predict that Phos would somehow take up Adamant’s other role; a leader for the gems. Who knows how this would happen. Maybe new gems will come to be while Phos is alone on Earth, or the other gems somehow come back, though I have doubts right now and you’ll see why in the next paragraph. Either way, Phos would find themselves ironically taking over Adamant’s role amongst the gems. And to make it more ironic, what would happen if another gem were to take up Phos’s old role and cause this whole cycle to repeat again. Wouldn’t that be tragic? Or maybe it’d be an opportunity to prevent the same mistakes Adamant made? Or maybe it just shows how history is doomed to repeat itself, no matter what? Who knows. This was a thought that I original had when the leaks came out but I removed it after the translation was released because I thought it wouldn’t be possible anymore. But seeing other people make similar predictions gave me the inspiration to add this edit. I wonder if anyone will notice...)

As for what Aechmea’s plans are for the shattered gems? I think he’s going to dispose of them. I highly doubt Aechmea’s going to rebuild those gems, unless he’s somehow persuaded by the remaining moon gems but that’s very unlikely. He purposely didn’t fulfill his promise to Phos to restore other gems, and if he can convince Phos to pray for him and everyone else, there’d be no point to rebuilding them anyway. I think he’s taking them so Phos would isolated again. He’s used this tactic many times make it easy for him to manipulate Phos and I’m sure he’s going to do it again to convince Phos to pray. Speaking of which...

And there’s no one left....

(Chapter 94, Page 23)

Look how far this poor child has fallen. So different from how they were in the previous chapters, from a hellbent vengeance beast to this being of pure sadness and desperation. I’ve stated many times that at the end of this sugar coated vengeance crusade, reality would hit Phos right back in the face and push Phos to rock bottom. And it happened. And it was so sad to watch.

Ms. Ichikawa did such a good job emulating the sense of emptiness, despair, and desperation in this chapter. Everything, especially the school, looks so big and empty now that there’s no one there but Phos. And Phos’s face and demeanor as they looked everywhere for the fallen gems and Adamant, when they desperately grasped for Adamant’s eye because “they want happiness” and when he witnessed those visions was the icing on the cake.

Poor Phos. Everything is out of their grasp again, but this time, there’s nothing to turn back too. He wanted to restore the gems, but they are all taken away, likely forever. He wanted Adamant to pray for him, but he’s also gone forever. Phos sacrificed so much to get to this point; Phos destroyed their relationships, their former allies, their own BODY to try to find a solution this situation they were put in. They did all of this not just for everyone else’s sake but for their own sake, so they can finally have some control over his life. So he can be happy. But once again, it all led to this situation that he has no control over. Phos now knows that he was once again used as a pawn for Aechmea’s grand plan and it looks like there’s no way out of it. No one’s there to save him.

The only other gems that aren’t destroyed are Yellow Diamond, Goshe, Ame, and Cairn. And at the bottom of the last page, it sounds like we’ll be focusing on the moon gems in the next chapter. What’ll happen with them? No clue. But honestly, I don’t care right now.

Phos is alone again, but it’s absolute now.

Adamant is gone. Cinnabar is gone. Padparadscha is gone. Any gems or Admirabilis that gave an ounce of care for Phos are no longer on earth.

There’s no one left.

All Phos has now are tragic memories that are not their own and the feeling of despair.

And if that’s not lonely enough, if Phos were to pray, it’s highly likely that they’ll be the only one left behind while everyone else permanently disappears. That’s how it was for Adamant, after all. And just like Adamant, Phos would continue this painful existence, sacrificing parts of themselves for others, and no one’s there to save them.

So it doesn’t matter how the situation will turn out; in the end, Phos doesn’t win and will be all alone.

(edit: It’s also fascinating to see how similar Phos and Adamant really are, from the loneliness of knowing the truth of everything to watching the ones they care about be taken away from them and being practically powerless to do anything to change it. These two characters are so tragic.)

I said this many times before and I’ll keep on saying it until something changes:

Phos’s cycle of suffering is never going to end.

Phos will never have a happy ending.

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rustandyearnings · 3 years

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How This Ends

Loan Tran

Two weeks into quarantine I read an article in The Atlantic titled, “How the Pandemic Will End.” It still felt wildly early to make any predictions about the future and the course of the virus. It has been now over a year that I have been trying to write a response to what I read, not because of any substantial disagreement but I foresaw then what I know now to be true, that after nearly a year of pandemic life: none of this simply ends.

There are no numbers and statistics, CDC guidelines, or even well thought out epidemiological reports that captures the depth of what it means that over 2.75 million people have died from COVID-19; over half a million of them alone in the U.S. We have witnessed a year that has made everything that was terrible before, much, much worse. And we know how we got here—especially being in the belly of the beast— we know all too well what regimes of power are capable of in their commitment to greed and profit. If you are like me or if you love people like me, you may know too that the world has come to an end many times before. What is different about this ending? If anything?

It was mid-March. My partner and I were on our way to the beach for her birthday. During our drive, we got news that the airports were starting to shut down and we were uncertain of the rumors about the National Guard being deployed to ensure compliance with stay-at-home orders. The beach was still there, and still sweet as always. We celebrated her the way we love each other; we ate delicious food, we laughed. She made her family’s shrimp: Lee Adam’s Shrimp. Which is comical, she says, because this was the only dish he would ever cook, and he got it named after him. Meanwhile, the family functioned because of women who made everything else possible. Such is our lives.

The Atlantic Ocean on the coast of North Carolina in mid-March is wind-swept, vast, very quiet. The sand becomes these large mountains to be trekked over before the water meets your eyeline. But once you see it, you know exactly where the ocean departs the sky. It was terribly cold. Yet, I was grateful to be by the water as our world began to shake us into conference calls and organizing meetings. Within just a few short hours of our Governor declaring lock down, we had formed the United for Survival and Beyond coalition. And knowing the year we were going to have and coming out of years of pavement pounding work, we were already exhausted. Deeper than the exhaustion is the truth that we must stick together, and we must find a way to continue on, especially now, with the cards so clear on the table: some of us will live and some of us will die. And there will be no logic to the madness.

The political work is instinctual to me; it makes sense in any crisis to bring together as many people as possible to understand a situation and to then take action. But the political work is also sometimes slow moving, even when we are all speeding and incredibly busy. So, I did other work that I felt, by my own standards, was more tangible. Like organizing a group chat of the queers I know who need medication on a regular basis. Or joining the local Mutual Aid Groups (and then promptly leaving all of the groups, which was simply a matter of exiting the Signal threads). Making a phone tree that was unreasonably the size of a phone book itself was an early action, too. And of course, cooking. There have been gallons upon gallons of pho. And gumbo. And at least 1,000 meatballs. Anything to attempt at satiating what I knew would become a growing hunger inside of me for a normalcy that still has not yet returned.

Things were deteriorating quickly all around me. By March’s end, my mom and I are on hold with her retirement company. She wants to get her money out of her account before the stock market steals it all away. This economic system routinely comes tumbling down for her; and often does it too line the pockets of the already ultra-wealthy. She has earned her retirement from working at the same alterations shop for over 20 years. She is paid for the time it takes to hand sew sequins onto wedding gowns that cost more than her year’s entire salary. She makes the inseam of your boutique jeans go from 32” to 30” with you never knowing the difference. She helps make people feel good, never questioning their own frivolousness in paying someone else to replace a missing button on their jacket. Her job has treated her well. This pandemic was beginning to test it as she’s filed for unemployment, without assistance from her bosses. The alliances that had shaped her life up until this point were beginning to fall apart, as is the case for so many of us.

It would become easier in the summer, but even then, the sweaty walks and the sitting outside in the beating sun just to eat a meal with someone who I wasn’t also sleeping with most nights began to tire me. I was unsatisfiable. I am lucky to have eaten many good meals, celebrate even more pandemic birthdays, and have extra money to keep supporting my parents’ and sister’s bills in between our socially distanced visits. Things would seem relatively calm for some weeks, when I felt like the weather wasn’t badgering on me. Which is to also say, that when things felt turbulent, it really just meant I was incredibly sad.

As I’ve been writing this piece in my mind, mulling over—as I usually do—which details feel relevant enough to evidence in words, the world around us has danced to the precipice of something new and back again. In between it all, I have had some of the most elaborate dreams of my life, the dreams at the heart of how I wish life could be.

I am home in Viet Nam. The sky is a dreamy pink, small stripes of orange and some residual blue as the sun sets and the moon takes over. I am sitting by the water and before me stretches a few miles of the bay. On the other side, mountains: spotted gray from granite and green from trees. I think to myself, “this is beautiful” and I take out my phone so I don’t forget what this looks like. My mom is here with me and it is quiet and perfect. Standing in line waiting to buy coffee from a street vendor, I think to myself, “wow, I get to be here,”; there are children and their parents who look my kin weaving around my stillness on the side of the road. I smile at someone I clock to be like me: a little odd, short haired, sweet looking in the face, stern and tough but kind in spirit. Then I wake up. It’s a dream. And all I know is that it’s a beautiful, perfect dream.

While time stretched and I could dream and I could travel in my mind, buoyed by my memories, telling stories that after the 3rd or 4th re-telling feels almost untrue, time also pulled me back to reality. To the everyday where I had few answers for the big question of: what now?

So what of time now? What is its worth? And what is worth it? I wear a watch every day still and I check my calendar still. And I still want Fridays to feel how Fridays are supposed to feel, still: they should release me. I still want to wake up slow on a Sunday, my favorite day, still. Things feel numbered and open all at once. Do I measure the worth of my life in this way or that? Do I consider tragedy to be where we start or is it having a witness to it that makes the clock run? Do I count the pints of soup I have made? What about the distance between us? There have been more cardinals than usual, but I’m really not counting. I do miss the children in the streets and the laughter beaming from their hands. Making sense of quiet and calling this place, my ever-growing city of just nearly 270,000 people, a ghost town seems a little defeatist; some days it seems just right, and some days it feels like an opening: to stop counting the time.

There is a slowness of this period that I have come to appreciate, even as it frustrates me. The slowness to remember and reconsider and re-learn the basic unit of relating: care; to care for each other and to care for ourselves. And we are being subject to the realities of care’s absence: there are millions of people—while they toil and make our world turn, even against the heaviest measures of despair—are disregarded as undeserving of housing, of health(care), of food, of life itself.

These systems of violence and domination continue to evolve, as showcased by this next phase of neoliberalism, with its elite colors and sloganeering. Coca-Cola racial justice investments and Nike’s you can do it to end racism and NFL’s $250,000,000 check to shut it (what, exactly?) down. Our task is more urgent than ever, yet there is still, simply this: you and I making a road where perhaps previously there was not, where perhaps previously there were, and it had been bombed or torn apart.

I am on the eve of my second pandemic birthday. And between the last time I dared contemplate how this ends and this moment now, there have been attempted coups and multiple mass shootings; there have been more vaccines distributed in the 1st world and essentially none for our sisters, brothers, and kin to the global south. Schools in my city are reopening and the people who suffer are made to blame each other.

A pandemic of this kind, through which a virus has served as the vehicle sounding the sirens of human plight, has the potential to lure us towards conclusions about the ever-deepening crises of white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism that will be regretful for us in the long-term. Namely, while it is true many things are outside of our control, like how a virus may mutate or transmit, there is so much more that is within our control.

We have witnessed that even in the middle of a pandemic, our people have risen up across the globe to declare that there must be another way to live. What deserves to be said again and again is that on one hand there is the science of this pandemic and the science of greed which profits on sickness; on the other is clear the science of solidarity; the science of organizing; the science of returning people back to each other; a sense of attention, a regard for care, an interest in ourselves and each other and the planet as people and places worthy of a world different than what centuries of violence and domination have conditioned and forced us toward.

At last, I do not know what the end of this pandemic means. But it seems to the hopeful, revolutionary optimist in me, that we have tried our raggedy best this year. I have appreciated more than ever our attempts at an honesty we may not have been willing to demonstrate. It seems to me that I haven’t been the only one to lie about how much I don’t know. And if you are looking for a script right now, about how to be, or how to cope, or how to regard yourself as belonging to those around you who do not look like you or speak like you or understand as you understand, I hope you’ll remember that there is no one else to make the future but us if we are to see ourselves in it.

I am embarrassed by my desperate need for things to return to normal. I am so desperate that I lay awake at night: wanting something I know I cannot have and the intelligent part of me knows that if I could have it, it would not be good for me or the people I love. The desperation is also a grief, fear, fatigue. But I also lay awake some nights taking audit of my gratitude; that beside me is my lover deep in restful sleep, that somehow in the morning our hands always find each other; and when we get out of bed, to make breakfast, or step outside: there is another day that affords me the time to learn how to be more human, and perhaps that is what this is worth. And those of us who still have it in us, and even those of us who feel that we have lost it, we must help this situation by becoming more and more human, as that is the only way I would want this to end.

This piece is dedicated to my dear friends who have kept me this year, in particular Zaina, Mindy, Margo, and Nadeen. It is also dedicated to our beloved Elandria (E) Williams, may they continue to rest in piece and know that we are taking their mandate for us to care, seriously. It is dedicated to the best pandemic pal and partner I could have ever asked for, who has also vowed to return the favor next pandemic, Chantelle. This is dedicated to the streets, to the uprisings, to all people everywhere who believe life doesn’t have to be this way, that we are so much more—these people include city workers, educators, youth and students, organizers, healthcare workers, and more. Thanks for the example of your lives.

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muthur9000 · 5 years

Text

From Majid Tayyarah

"I am an ER MD in New Orleans. Class of 98. Every one of my colleagues have now seen several hundred Covid 19 patients and this is what I think I know.

Clinical course is predictable.

2-11 days after exposure (day 5 on average) flu like symptoms start. Common are fever, headache, dry cough, myalgias(back pain), nausea without vomiting, abdominal discomfort with some diarrhea, loss of smell, anorexia, fatigue.

Day 5 of symptoms- increased SOB, and bilateral viral pneumonia from direct viral damage to lung parenchyma.

Day 10- Cytokine storm leading to acute ARDS and multiorgan failure. You can literally watch it happen in a matter of hours.

81% mild symptoms, 14% severe symptoms requiring hospitalization, 5% critical.

Patient presentation is varied. Patients are coming in hypoxic (even 75%) without dyspnea. I have seen Covid patients present with encephalopathy, renal failure from dehydration, DKA. I have seen the bilateral interstitial pneumonia on the xray of the asymptomatic shoulder dislocation or on the CT's of the (respiratory) asymptomatic polytrauma patient. Essentially if they are in my ER, they have it. Seen three positive flu swabs in 2 weeks and all three had Covid 19 as well. Somehow this ***** has told all other disease processes to get out of town.

China reported 15% cardiac involvement. I have seen covid 19 patients present with myocarditis, pericarditis, new onset CHF and new onset atrial fibrillation. I still order a troponin, but no cardiologist will treat no matter what the number in a suspected Covid 19 patient. Even our non covid 19 STEMIs at all of our facilities are getting TPA in the ED and rescue PCI at 60 minutes only if TPA fails.

Diagnostic

CXR- bilateral interstitial pneumonia (anecdotally starts most often in the RLL so bilateral on CXR is not required). The hypoxia does not correlate with the CXR findings. Their lungs do not sound bad. Keep your stethoscope in your pocket and evaluate with your eyes and pulse ox.

Labs- WBC low, Lymphocytes low, platelets lower then their normal, Procalcitonin normal in 95%

CRP and Ferritin elevated most often. CPK, D-Dimer, LDH, Alk Phos/AST/ALT commonly elevated.

Notice D-Dimer- I would be very careful about CT PE these patients for their hypoxia. The patients receiving IV contrast are going into renal failure and on the vent sooner.

Basically, if you have a bilateral pneumonia with normal to low WBC, lymphopenia, normal procalcitonin, elevated CRP and ferritin- you have covid-19 and do not need a nasal swab to tell you that.

A ratio of absolute neutrophil count to absolute lymphocyte count greater than 3.5 may be the highest predictor of poor outcome. the UK is automatically intubating these patients for expected outcomes regardless of their clinical presentation.

An elevated Interleukin-6 (IL6) is an indicator of their cytokine storm. If this is elevated watch these patients closely with both eyes.

Other factors that appear to be predictive of poor outcomes are thrombocytopenia and LFTs 5x upper limit of normal.

Disposition

I had never discharged multifocal pneumonia before. Now I personally do it 12-15 times a shift. 2 weeks ago we were admitting anyone who needed supplemental oxygen. Now we are discharging with oxygen if the patient is comfortable and oxygenating above 92% on nasal cannula. We have contracted with a company that sends a paramedic to their home twice daily to check on them and record a pulse ox. We know many of these patients will bounce back but if it saves a bed for a day we have accomplished something. Obviously we are fearful some won't make it back.

We are a small community hospital. Our 22 bed ICU and now a 4 bed Endoscopy suite are all Covid 19. All of these patients are intubated except one. 75% of our floor beds have been cohorted into covid 19 wards and are full. We are averaging 4 rescue intubations a day on the floor. We now have 9 vented patients in our ER transferred down from the floor after intubation.

Luckily we are part of a larger hospital group. Our main teaching hospital repurposed space to open 50 new Covid 19 ICU beds this past Sunday so these numbers are with significant decompression. Today those 50 beds are full. They are opening 30 more by Friday. But even with the "lockdown", our AI models are expecting a 200-400% increase in covid 19 patients by 4/4/2020.

Treatment

Supportive

worldwide 86% of covid 19 patients that go on a vent die. Seattle reporting 70%. Our hospital has had 5 deaths and one patient who was extubated. Extubation happens on day 10 per the Chinese and day 11 per Seattle.

Plaquenil which has weak ACE2 blockade doesn't appear to be a savior of any kind in our patient population. Theoretically, it may have some prophylactic properties but so far it is difficult to see the benefit to our hospitalized patients, but we are using it and the studies will tell. With Plaquenil's potential QT prolongation and liver toxic effects (both particularly problematic in covid 19 patients), I am not longer selectively prescribing this medication as I stated on a previous post.

We are also using Azithromycin, but are intermittently running out of IV.

Do not give these patient's standard sepsis fluid resuscitation. Be very judicious with the fluids as it hastens their respiratory decompensation. Outside the DKA and renal failure dehydration, leave them dry.

Proning vented patients significantly helps oxygenation. Even self proning the ones on nasal cannula helps.

Vent settings- Usual ARDS stuff, low volume, permissive hypercapnia, etc. Except for Peep of 5 will not do. Start at 14 and you may go up to 25 if needed.

Do not use Bipap- it does not work well and is a significant exposure risk with high levels of aerosolized virus to you and your staff. Even after a cough or sneeze this virus can aerosolize up to 3 hours.

The same goes for nebulizer treatments. Use MDI. you can give 8-10 puffs at one time of an albuterol MDI. Use only if wheezing which isn't often with covid 19. If you have to give a nebulizer must be in a negative pressure room; and if you can, instruct the patient on how to start it after you leave the room.

Do not use steroids, it makes this worse. Push out to your urgent cares to stop their usual practice of steroid shots for their URI/bronchitis.

We are currently out of Versed, Fentanyl, and intermittently Propofol. Get the dosing of Precedex and Nimbex back in your heads.

One of my colleagues who is a 31 yo old female who graduated residency last may with no health problems and normal BMI is out with the symptoms and an SaO2 of 92%. She will be the first of many.

I PPE best I have. I do wear a MaxAir PAPR the entire shift. I do not take it off to eat or drink during the shift. I undress in the garage and go straight to the shower. My wife and kids fled to her parents outside Hattiesburg. The stress and exposure at work coupled with the isolation at home is trying. But everyone is going through something right now. Everyone is scared; patients and employees. But we are the leaders of that emergency room. Be nice to your nurses and staff. Show by example how to tackle this crisis head on. Good luck to us all."

#doctor #nurse #COVID19 #coronavirus #medical #medical advice

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cindypeeples · 5 years

Text

Shared post Covid-19 USA

Copied from another group. I do not know who wrote this but it is worth sharing.

I am an ER MD in New Orleans. Class of 98. Every one of my colleagues has now seen several hundred Covid 19 patients and this is what I think I know.

The clinical course is predictable. 2-11 days after exposure (day 5 on average) flu-like symptoms start. Common are fever, headache, dry cough, myalgias(back pain), nausea without vomiting, abdominal discomfort with some diarrhea, loss of smell, anorexia, fatigue. Day 5 of symptoms- increased SOB, and bilateral viral pneumonia from direct viral damage to the lung parenchyma. Day 10- Cytokine storm leading to acute ARDS and multiorgan failure. You can literally watch it happen in a matter of hours. 81% mild symptoms, 14% severe symptoms requiring hospitalization, 5% critical. Patient presentation is varied. Patients are coming in hypoxic (even 75%) without dyspnea. I have seen Covid patients present with encephalopathy, renal failure from dehydration, DKA. I have seen the bilateral interstitial pneumonia on the Xray of the asymptomatic shoulder dislocation or on the CT’s of the (respiratory) asymptomatic polytrauma patient. Essentially if they are in my ER, they have it. Seen three positive flu swabs in 2 weeks and all three had Covid 19 as well. Somehow this ***** has told all other disease processes to get out of town. China reported 15% of cardiac involvement. I have seen covid 19 patients present with myocarditis, pericarditis, new-onset CHF and new-onset atrial fibrillation. I still order a troponin, but no cardiologist will treat no matter what the number in a suspected Covid 19 patient. Even our non-covid 19 STEMIs at all of our facilities are getting TPA in the ED and rescue PCI at 60 minutes only if TPA fails. Diagnostic CXR- bilateral interstitial pneumonia (anecdotally starts most often in the RLL so bilateral on CXR is not required). The hypoxia does not correlate with the CXR findings. Their lungs do not sound bad. Keep your stethoscope in your pocket and evaluate with your eyes and pulse ox. Labs- WBC low, Lymphocytes low, platelets lower than their normal, Procalcitonin normal in 95% CRP and Ferritin elevated most often. CPK, D-Dimer, LDH, Alk Phos/AST/ALT commonly elevated. Notice D-Dimer- I would be very careful about CT PE these patients for their hypoxia. The patients receiving IV contrast are going into renal failure and on the vent sooner. Basically, if you have bilateral pneumonia with normal to low WBC, lymphopenia, normal procalcitonin, elevated CRP and ferritin- you have covid-19 and do not need a nasal swab to tell you that. A ratio of absolute neutrophil count to absolute lymphocyte count greater than 3.5 may be the highest predictor of poor outcome. the UK is automatically intubating these patients for expected outcomes regardless of their clinical presentation. An elevated Interleukin-6 (IL6) is an indicator of their cytokine storm. If this is elevated watch these patients closely with both eyes. Other factors that appear to be predictive of poor outcomes are thrombocytopenia and LFTs 5x upper limit of normal.

Disposition I had never discharged multifocal pneumonia before. Now I personally do it 12-15 times a shift. 2 weeks ago we were admitting anyone who needed supplemental oxygen. Now we are discharging with oxygen if the patient is comfortable and oxygenating above 92% on the nasal cannula. We have contracted with a company that sends a paramedic to their home twice daily to check on them and record a pulse ox. We know many of these patients will bounce back but if it saves a bed for a day we have accomplished something. Obviously we are fearful some won’t make it back. We are a small community hospital. Our 22 bed ICU and now a 4-bed Endoscopy suite are all Covid 19. All of these patients are intubated except one. 75% of our floor beds have been courted into covid 19 wards and are full. We are averaging 4 rescue intubations a day on the floor. We now have 9 vented patients in our ER transferred down from the floor after intubation. Luckily we are part of a larger hospital group. Our main teaching hospital repurposed space to open 50 new Covid 19 ICU beds this past Sunday so these numbers are with significant decompression. Today those 50 beds are full. They are opening 30 more by Friday. But even with the “lockdown”, our AI models are expecting a 200-400% increase in covid 19 patients by 4/4/2020. Treatment Supportive worldwide 86% of covid 19 patients that go on a vent die. Seattle reporting 70%. Our hospital has had 5 deaths and one patient who was extubated. Extubation happens on day 10 per the Chinese and day 11 per Seattle. Plaquenil which has a weak ACE2 blockade doesn’t appear to be a savior of any kind in our patient population. Theoretically, it may have some prophylactic properties but so far it is difficult to see the benefit to our hospitalized patients, but we are using it and the studies will tell. With Plaquenil’s potential QT prolongation and liver-toxic effects (both particularly problematic in covid 19 patients), I am not longer selectively prescribing this medication as I stated in a previous post. We are also using Azithromycin, but are intermittently running out of IV. Do not give these patient’s standard sepsis fluid resuscitation. Be very judicious with the fluids as it hastens their respiratory decompensation. Outside the DKA and renal failure dehydration, leave them dry. Proning vented patients significantly helps oxygenation. Even self proning the ones on nasal cannula helps. Vent settings- Usual ARDS stuff, low volume, permissive hypercapnia, etc. Except for Peep of 5 will not do. Start at 14 and you may go up to 25 if needed. Do not use Bipap- it does not work well and is a significant exposure risk with high levels of aerosolized virus to you and your staff. Even after a cough or sneeze this virus can aerosolize up to 3 hours. The same goes for nebulizer treatments. Use MDI. you can give 8-10 puffs at one time of an albuterol MDI. Use only if wheezing which isn’t often with covid 19. If you have to give a nebulizer must be in a negative pressure room; and if you can, instruct the patient on how to start it after you leave the room. Do not use steroids, it makes this worse. Push out to your urgent care to stop their usual practice of steroid shots for their URI/bronchitis. We are currently out of Versed, Fentanyl, and intermittently Propofol. Get the dosing of Precedex and Nimbex back in your heads. One of my colleagues who is a 31 yo old female who graduated residency last May with no health problems and normal BMI is out with the symptoms and a SaO2 of 92%. She will be the first of many. I PPE best I have. I do wear a MaxAir PAPR the entire shift. I do not take it off to eat or drink during the shift. I undress in the garage and go straight to the shower. My wife and kids fled to her parents outside Hattiesburg. The stress and exposure at work coupled with the isolation at home is trying. But everyone is going through something right now. Everyone is scared; patients and employees. But we are the leaders of that emergency room. Be nice to your nurses and staff. Show by example how to tackle this crisis head-on. Good luck to us all.”

Unknown Writer Thank You

Everything Nursey

Shared post Covid-19 USA syndicated from https://everythingnursey.com/

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rutilation · 6 years

Text

You hear that subtle creaking noise? That is the sound of the Sword of Damocles, its single thread fraying as it prepares to come crashing down on Gormie’s head. Poor kid’s going to incur Ichikawa’s wrath if they keep tempting fate like this.

One minute you’re having the time of your life visiting moon-disneyland while trashing your ex, but before you know it your author is going to dump some nasty plot twist on you like: “Actually, Aechmea was lying about your eyes,” “Actually, you’re just Ghost’s split-personality,” “Actually, Aechmea is using you as a science experiment.” (in case you couldn’t tell, I’m dreading eagerly anticipating the payoff to all this buildup.)

So to start off, Aechmea was being quite ominous this chapter, and everything that came out of his mouth seemed like it had a double meaning that we poor readers don’t have enough information to decipher yet. This line also seemed like a veiled way of suggesting that he has ulterior motives regarding Cairn beyond simply acquiring a trophy wife.

I’ve been thinking for a long time that whatever extenuating circumstances are keeping Kongou from praying must be pretty dire, because otherwise he has no reason to keep this carousel of misery going. Every piece of humanity is suffering because of his inaction, and I don’t think he’d abide by that if there wasn’t something grave stopping him from taking action. I also think it’s likely that Aechmea knows what this reason is, and is keeping that information from the gems. So, now that Phos has cooled their head enough that they’re willing to try and talk things out, is Aechmea going to do something about that? Do his cryptic words from this chapter allude to this? Hmmmm…

Anyway, on to Phos.

What a good rock.

It’s good that Phos is more cognizant of the impact they have on others and that they’re trying to be less callous. Keeping Alex from going through with that idea was definitely the right decision. At the same time, I don’t think the answer to the conundrum of getting other people caught up in your problems is to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders and try to do everything by yourself. That’s essentially what Kongou has been doing the whole story, and look how that turned out. Furthermore, one important aspect of Phos early in their character arc was how the other characters’ unwillingness to let Phos take responsibility for their own mistakes really ate away at their self-esteem. The narrative seems to posit that taking away the consequences of someone’s actions and the responsibility of making decisions is tantamount to depriving another of their full personhood, even when the desire to do so comes from a place of compassion.

On a related note, I’ve noticed that both of the important people in Phos’s life are in a rather precarious position thanks to Phos’s actions, and additionally, nothing Phos does going forward is going to bail them out of it. They both stand to gain something in the short term if Phos keeps failing at their task of getting Kongou to pray. Cinnabar’s newfound acceptance is contingent on Phos trying (and failing) to assault Kongou. The longer that keeps up, the longer they’ll be accepted by the other gems; Phos’s success would end that in an instant. However, even if this were to become the new status quo, it wouldn’t make Cinnabar happy in the long run. After all, one of the very first things we learn about them is that they hate fighting. So once the novelty of their peers’ acceptance begins to wear off, they’re going to find themselves dissatisfied.

Similarly, Cairn also stands to benefit in the short term if Phos keeps failing. The longer Kongou doesn’t pray for the Lunarians, the more time they have with Aechmea. But as chapter 71 showed, he’s the controlling type, which is pretty antithetical to Cairn’s desire to find freedom. Aechmea’s behavior is probably just going to get worse and worse once the honeymoon-phase of the relationship is over, at which point Cairn’s life is going to be hell for every moment that Aechmea continues to stink up the mortal plane with his existence.

Before Phos got their grubby little paws on Cinnabar and Cairngorm, neither of them were living happy lives. But they also didn’t hope for anything better, and were more or less resigned to their respective fates. But now that they’ve ridden the wave of Phos’s change, both of them now have something to lose. Whether Phos succeeds or fails in their quest, it seems to me that the two of them are going to have to save themselves if they don’t want to get badly burned (or worse) by the end of this debacle.

In this interview, Ichikawa alluded to the conundrum of whether or not it’s possible to save someone from themselves, and the way she talked about it makes it seem like a central conceit of the text. Not to be totally predictable by referencing Utena once again in my essays, but that theme is one of the central conflicts in Utena as well. The answer that series comes to is that people can really only save themselves, and that the most the people around them can do is give that person the tools and opportunity to do so. It also posits that trying to do otherwise creates a toxic relationship wherein the savior has ultimate power over the one being saved, thus tainting the altruism that might have inspired one to save another in the first place. I wonder if HnK will come to a similar conclusion.

Going back to Cinnabar for a minute, while I’m taking it as a given that the rest of the earth gems will drop them like a bad habit the second they stop being useful, I do have a bit of faith that Bort will stick up for them. Let’s talk about Bort.

Unlike most of the other gems still on earth, Bort has grown since the start of the manga. They can say that change is for weaklings all they want, but the Bort we were introduced to is quite different from Bort as we know them now. Their establishing scene in the manga has them scoffing at the idea of helping someone who they saw as a burden, someone who’s unwilling to help themselves. But whatever scorn they had towards Phos early in the manga—by their own logic—they would have had for Cinnabar twice over. Where Phos was merely useless, Cinnabar was an actual liability. Where Phos was haphazard and lazy in their efforts, Cinnabar is almost pathologically passive and self-defeating.

But by the time they actually met Cinnabar, they had changed. And nowadays, it seems they’re trying to act as the Shinsha Whisperer. Because of a series of gradual changes catalyzed by Phos and Dia, they’ve come to realize that:

A. People can have potential that isn’t immediately apparent

B. They themselves can have a more enriching role in their society than that of a surly guard dog

Plenty of people have written about how Bort is more thoughtful and sensitive than they initially appeared to be, but it’s usually couched in terms of the reader pulling back the veil of gruffness to reveal sweet, jellyfish-loving soul underneath. While I don’t think that’s inaccurate per se, the way I see it is that certain events in the story have nurtured their growth as a character, causing them to slowly become less of an asshole. I find that to be a more fruitful framework to work with than simply: “We the readers didn’t understand Bort at first because of incomplete information and now we do.”

What I’m getting at is that since they were willing to set aside a bit of their pride and step outside of their comfort zone in order to change, I have more faith in them to do the right thing than the people surrounding them. Most of the gems are polite, agreeable, charming, etc…but the way the outcasts of their society have been treated throughout the narrative speaks volumes, much more than a veil of civility ever could. What other read am I supposed to get from chapter five? Not to trash on two-thirds of the cast or anything, but I think most of these characters are just going along to get along, and aren’t terribly concerned about anything or anyone that doesn’t directly affect them.

Speaking of earth gems that I don’t trust:

Ichikawa keeps repeating the image of Euclase looming over Phos. This is the third time now.

Anyway, Cairn is once again happening. And, umm...

Hate to break it to you buddy, but I’m pretty sure the call’s coming from inside the house. What episode of The Twilight Zone have we entered in which Cairngorm needs Ghost’s help in order to look disgusted with everything?

There’s not much I can say about Cairn in this chapter that I didn’t already say in my Cairn essay. While it’s certainly upsetting to learn that they were suicidal while Phos was in a coma, it’s also not exactly shocking. That said, I do have one additional observation. This has been on my mind for a while, but I’ve never really brought it up because it’s existed in the realm of subtext, and sometimes I am a timid little bean who doesn’t want to risk putting my foot in my mouth.

Cairngorm is pretty good at reading people, aren’t they? In this scene in chapter 50 they seem to have a much stronger grasp on Kongou’s state of mind than Phos ever has, they can always tell when Phos is lying or otherwise putting up a front, and I’m fairly certain they’re basing their current affectation on what they have inferred that Aechmea wants. I bring this up because of this moment from the chapter:

While we the audience have the benefit of hindsight, tone, and framing to indicate that Aechmea is up to something duplicitous in this scene, Cairn doesn’t. But they still immediately pick up on the fact that he’s being shady. They phrase this observation as if it’s a joke rather than a source of genuine unease, but the fact that the composition of the page lingers on this line is rather telling, leading me to think Cairn is trying to laugh off something that is in actuality causing them anxiety.

The only other thing that caught my attention is that Cairn called Aechmea by his name. I guess whatever reason he has for not liking his name, it’s not because he considers it an insult?

Finally, just as a reminder, I’ve started cross-posting my essays to ao3 in case tumblr dies or whatever. So, if that does happen, you can find me there.

#i ended up rambling #houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous

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delineative · 6 years

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writing year in review: 2018

total number of completed stories: 9

total word count:

ao3: 43 879

(+ ~5k on socks)

fandoms written in:

dorohedoro

we both chose each other - noi/shin

houseki no kuni

growing without rest - phos/phos

idol producer / nine percent

counting flower petals all day long - xukun/zhengting

leaving nothing behind - xukun/zhengting

when we see each other again - jun/zhengting, ziyi/zhengting, yanjun/zhangjing/zhengting, xukun/zhengting, justin/chengcheng/zhengting

take one step closer - xukun/yanjun/zhengting

nct

from first principles - 00line

produce 101 china / rocket girls

coincidence makes sense - yamy/meiqi/xuanyi

seventeen

the earth in its turning stopped (last 2 chapters) - seungcheol/jeonghan/joshua

reaching for you from the endless dream - wonwoo/jun

wips:

out of the wips i’m currently working on:

dirtmix assignment (will be revealed very shortly!)

nahyuck pacific rim au

markrenmin enemies to lovers fantasy au

looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

around what i expected... i was aiming for 1 fic a month and didn’t quite manage to hit that but i feel like each fic was longer than usual (i’m a terminal shortfic writer so anything over 3k is long for me). like i kept going 1-4k over my projected wordcount which was extremely panic-inducing when i was trying to write to deadlines lmao so overall i’m okay with the quantity of words i produced this year!

what pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

fandom-wise probably the survival show spiral and moving into ncity... if 2017 was the year of yugioh then 2018 was the year of rpf. some of the stuff i posted to socks was very uncharacteristic of my usual m.o but i think everything i put on main was very true to brand i.e ambiguous relationships + vague pining + emo conversations in the dark

did you take any writing risks this year? what did you learn from them?

i signed up for svtbb and had to drop out due to exam pressure, which was sad bc it’s the first exchange/fest i’ve ever defaulted on, but then i went and did lordeventeen and yuletide even though they partly ran through exam seasons too so i guess i learned nothing?!?

actually i think i probably could have afforded to take a few more risks genre-wise, i feel like everything i wrote in 2018 recycled the exact same themes but also at the same time those themes are the only thing i can write. terrible taste i will never change i will never improve that is a promise etc etc

what’s your own favorite story of the year?

reaching for you from the endless dream had me tearing my hair out while i was writing it but ultimately i feel like it paid off! i’ve always wanted to try canon compliant + magic and this ended up with some of the best writing i’ve ever done, plus i’m happy i was finally able to write something for one of my favourite svt ships <3 honourable mention to the concept behind when we see each other again, my post-disbandment allzzt ship manifesto titled after csc_uri_dasi_bol_ttae.mp3

best story of the year?

also reaching for you from the endless dream! i’m really proud of how this one turned out both in terms of technical quality (.... *repeats the same phrase 300 times* Is This Thematic Consistency?) and emotional beats, and it got so many lovely comments. i think this is probably one of my best fics ever, and i’m glad it struck a chord with other people too!

most popular story of the year?

not counting teiits since most of that was posted in 2017, it’s counting flower petals all day long, which really surprised me when i checked my ao3 stats? i must have hit the sweet spot of fandom growth + burgeoning ship popularity bc literally nothing happens in the fic other than one (1) kiss, but thank you for giving it so much love 💖

story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion:

omg i think everything i wrote this year was WAY over-appreciated but coincidence makes sense, which features a f/f/f rarepair (raretrio?) in a fandom with very little western fan presence, so i’m not surprised by its stats but i’m still pretty fond of this one and consider it one of the better fics i wrote in 2018, and one of the best idolverse fics i’ve ever written

most fun story to write:

from first principles, the debate au fic i’ve wanted to write for like 6 years, my beloved pet project through the month of august, and i think it shows? i tripled my projected word count and in the process of writing fully converted to dreamyism(/renjunism), so a lot of love went into it, even though there are places you can tell i definitely rushed the execution. one day i’ll do justice to a proper nct sports anime fic...

story with the single sexiest moment:

all the rated content i wrote this year was posted to socks other than the brief dance studio 3some scene in take one step closer, but i genuinely have no idea if that was even sxc since i wrote it on my phone in a feverish last-minute sprint on a plane while blasting twice bdz and haven’t reread it at all jhfgdfjdfh

most sweet story:

the general tone of everything i wrote in 2018 was much less depressing than 2017 but i guess the sweetest story was we both chose each other... what’s more romantic than dismembering a bunch of thugs with your beloved partner and then jumping off a cliff together!!

story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

kind of a weird question to apply to rpf... characterisation perceptions are constantly shifting based on current meta and au role needs, though i feel like i’m always struggling to play catchup and by the time i publish anything the general image has shifted ;__;

most unintentionally telling story:

from first principles draws heavily on my own experiences with high school debating... lots of 3rd speaker related anxieties and hangups projection all over the place in there lmao

hardest story to write:

every time i’m working on something, especially when i’m close to finishing, it is the hardest thing i have ever written... i can’t remember if writing has always been this difficult for me or if it’s an rpf thing. probably i struggled the most with reaching for you from the endless dream bc i’m deeply intimidated by writing jun (light of my life) due to the fear of not doing him justice, and also the deadline pressure nearly killed me. also at one point i called writing from first principles the worst experience of my life but looking back it wasn’t even that bad... mostly it was just that it kept getting longer and longer and eventually i was like Please God Let It End Already

biggest disappointment:

not finishing my svtbb fic... i am literally twitter user juncheolsoo i owe them SOMETHING!! not writing more fic. mediocre execution of decent concepts bc i got too impatient and rushed to finish things before i got bored of them

biggest surprise:

all of my fics about idol boys except one have over 100 kudos, which is just a ridiculous amount?! idol rpf fandoms have been so kind to me... i will work hard to become a better content creator in 2019!!

favourite opening line(s):

from leaving nothing behind:

“Are you looking for Justin?”

Xukun rears back, knuckles still poised to knock on the doorframe. “I—what?”

“Are you looking for Justin?” Zhengting repeats. He’s sprawled across the bottom bunk, leg dangling inelegantly off the edge. The phone in his hand casts an unsteady ellipse of light over his collarbone.

favourite closing line(s):

from growing without rest:

Beyond the arches the world is silent. The gem Phosphophyllite will become returns their gaze steadily, evenly. The shadows lengthen. In the distance behind them, a flicker of white, like light needling off somebody’s back, or the gleam of a pearl eye.

favourite 5 line(s) from anywhere:

from first principles:

“If only Mark-hyung was still here,” Renjun said, only half-jokingly. There was a brief moment of solemn silence as the three of them paused to consider their ex-captain, who had passed on last year to the realm of university debating.

when we see each other again:

So maybe they weren’t friends, but they were something. You couldn’t inhabit the same space for two years and come out the other side as strangers. Sometimes Zhengting thought that might have been easier than whatever this intimacy limbo was supposed to be, knowing somebody in the minutest details, what they looked like at the height of their intensity or the moments before they fell asleep, without really knowing them at all. Looking, and not having the gesture returned, or at least not equally.

coincidence makes sense:

The song ends, starts over. Meiqi doesn’t, though, pivoting to face them, and that’s all the invitation Xuanyi needs to unfold from her position beside Guo Ying and cross the floor. Like two halves of a single movement Meiqi reaches out to Xuanyi and Xuanyi presses their palms together, interlacing their fingers. The tilt of their heads towards each other like it’s something irresistible.

reaching for you from the endless dream:

Junhui was practically raised by the industry. The stage lying close enough to the bone it would be indistinguishable from it. He leaves his intensity on the stage but glimpses of it show through in odd moments, seamlessness without ease. It’s hard for Wonwoo to understand, but most things about Junhui are.

take one step closer:

You want to look into somebody, of course you have to let them look back. This is why he kept away in the first place, the terror of vulnerability when it could be staved off indefinitely instead, though he’d wanted to be seen, hoped for it, even, despite himself, something in the marrow singing out to be known.

It’s like an infection, a second heart in his ribs. A kind of longing that bites right through his hand. Strikes down to the quick. Severs the whole thing clean off. He ran so far from himself he landed in somebody else’s body, and here he is, still trying to escape.

top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:

jun lifting zzt up and spinning him around, from when we see each other again (;___; #junting_agenda_seeding)

wonwoo and jun in the kitchen with nectarines spilling out of the open fridge, from reaching for you from the endless dream

cxkzzt conversation in the dark while zzt is wearing a facemask, from leaving nothing behind

00z sports shounen hug, from from first principles

phos getting crushed by their future self’s gold arms, from growing without rest

honourable mention to noishin leaping off a cliff from we both chose each other, which actually did get illustrated in dorohedorozine <3

do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

cut down my wip list... please i have 25+ wips on my spreadsheet i just want to FINISH something for once in my life instead of constantly starting new wips and letting them rot in the graveyard of my gdocs

practise writing actual shipfic and not poorly disguised gen. i WILL get better at writing kiss scenes

try to write something over 10k again

relearn what figurative language is and how to use it. rpf boosted my productivity stats but at what cost...

#ash writes #i literally log on once a year to make this post

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dustward · 6 years

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Episode 12 - Memories (pt.2)

Well, this is it. I really hope there’s a season 2 someday, but there doesn’t *need* to be. Anyways, Phos had been waiting well over a week to get the chance to “talk” with a Lunarian. It went about as well as you’d expect.

Props to them for having the exact tools necessary to safely catch one without needing to destroy the lot of them. They could always try this tactic out again later, assuming the Lunarians don’t anticipate it or find a way to counter it.

These things have pupils, eh? It makes them seem a bit less.. heartless, but we can only guess at what this really means. The smaller Lunarians always felt like some sort of hivemind, but they aren’t really. At least, I don’t think they are. Would they care enough for their kin to wish to avenge them? What’s the significance of the larger ones? Are they individuals only when fragmented, sort of like with Shiro? That’s all Phos seems to get for now - more questions.

Cinnabar’s always watching and looking out for Phos. Phos probably could’ve handled this, but the gesture is appreciated, even if it kinda cut short their plan. “F...” the lone Lunarian said. No idea what it could mean on its own, but it’s a lead.

I like the parallel here that can be compared with Cinnabar’s imitation of Phos with their own substance from back in episode 3. They really were made for each other, and it only makes more and more sense as time marches on.

Phos’ promise forever lingers on Cinnabar’s mind. Shouldn’t you have maybe returned that? I guess it stopped mattering once Phos lost their encyclopedia job.

Such a nice, serious moment completely unraveled by Cinnabar’s kneejerk reaction. Ahhhh, I love these two..

The series started with a promise. Just when you think Phos would let us down, they’ve come up with a solution. It’s the best way to end the anime, really. Despite all the hell they went through to be put in this position, you could say it was all necessary in the end, in order to hold true to their word.

It was subtle, yet obvious to us how Cinnabar felt as Phos kept running around, going through all these changes while not having an answer for them. Phos might’ve underestimated, maybe even forgotten the exact wording of what they said, but it’s no shock that Cinnabar repeated those words to themselves time and time again.

It’s not quite what they wanted, but they’re nonetheless happy to see Phos keep their promise.

Cinnabar’s the only one Phos can trust with this, but that’s not the only reason they asked them. It’s not because they owed it to them to find a new job, either. It’s because Cinnabar’s shown themselves to be incredibly "prudent and clever.” Even if Rutile, Bort, and the others were similarly sharp, I’d wager Phos trust’s Cinnabar’s judgement and advice more than any others’.

Phos might’ve gotten wiser and more mindful themselves, but they know Cinnabar would be the one to spot something they missed. What they’re going through, doubting everything and everyone, that’s also a feeling Cinnabar’s familiar with. It won’t be a fun job, but it’s most definitely something only Cinnabar could do. It’s a cause, a purpose, far more valuable than a night’s watch. They’ll also be able to enjoy that feeling of being valued and of use to Phos. The feeling might be mutual, even, as they certainly aren’t okay with whatever secrets Kongo might be hiding. To have someone they can *maybe* confide in, that has to count for something as well.

Especially if this endeavor does lead to some answers.

They say they feel distrust, but is that just a feeling that’s been building up inside them? To say this, is Cinnabar attempting to break through that wall of doubt they’ve surrounded themselves in? I trust Phos, and I hope Cinnabar can come to as well.

What follows is one last sequence that serves to tie things up in a book ends fashion. The end of.. book 1, we’ll frame this as. I’ll lay down some predictions and look forward to seeing how right/wrong I am when I finally tackle the manga.

Despite Bort being Bort, Zircon seems to be their own harshest critic. They’ll likely surpass and surprise in ways we hadn’t anticipated, now that they have the freedom to do so. Bort’s yet to meet any true hardships, and I wonder when that’ll change.

We’re given glimpses of many others going about their daily lives. There’s no telling when and which of them will get their time in the spotlight, but just having them all interact brings me joy.

The winds of change continue to blow. Kongo was always a good caretaker. I can only hope the secrets they’re hiding are only for the others’ own protection, but they have a right to know if they were to ask. The fact you refuse even that may be your greatest mistake, and I hope it doesn’t come with serious consequence. Jade’s just trying to help keep this place afloat, so they shouldn’t get in the way, even if they interact the most with Kongo, and might even be considered the most loyal now.

I’m so damn happy they replayed that opening scene. I loved it as much the fourth, tenth, twentieth time. Phos is no longer laying in the grass, letting the days pass them by. Each day is important, and each day has purpose. Their changes aren’t finished, and seeing how far removed they already are from their old self.. it leaves a bittersweet feeling, you know?

We all gotta grow up and mature sooner or later, but it’s important to remember what we had. To lose that would be to lose ourselves. You did indeed live a spoiled life, Phos, but you turned out alright in the end. If you can forgive your former self for their decisions, maybe you can better face the ones you’ll soon have to make.

When I first saw that Phos was gonna go through a transformation I was interested. After seeing it unfold I was ever so grateful I gave the series a chance. I’ve got a weak spot for characters like this - characters that have to undergo such a drastic, yet believable change. Phos will probably be my favorite of this type from this day forward, and I couldn’t think of a better way to honor them.

The colors, the sounds, the music, the characters, the setting, the themes, the story. I loved all of it. I likely always will. After this rewatch, Land of the Lustrous has probably become my favorite anime of all time.

It’s unlikely the manga will change my view on the anime itself, but it makes me wonder if that love will deepen more. With the tone of the story, how much more will it hurt? Will the ending be satisfying? Those are all questions for another day.

I don’t know if anyone’s ever gonna read all these personal thoughts I’ve had on the series, and frankly I don’t care. I’m just glad I took the time to take such a closer look at it. If anyone has bothered to read these.. thank you for listening.

#hnk spoilers #dustward rewatches hnk #long post

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ignis-et-equi · 6 years

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I think it’s time to write.

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and his wife broke up. It was a devastating surprise to everyone involved. I haven’t really talked to anyone about it except for a very select handful of people for fear of being asked, “Do you think it might have had something to with your relationship with him?” They have both stated on multiple occasions that the break up had nothing to do with me. For the sake of their privacy, that’s the only detail that pertains to me, and thus the only one I’m going to share here.

In lieu of this, I have been giving as much emotional support as I can muster from 2,000 miles away. Now that things are starting to settle down a bit, all of the emotions that didn’t strong arm themselves out of me in the midst of the crisis are now presenting themselves. As a result, I broke down sobbing for about an hour over the smallest little thing and those emotions just started snowballing.

I absolutely adore my boyfriend, and I’m more than delighted that I’m allowed to be apart of the healing process. That being said, I haven’t been handling my emotions for a very long time, much before I met him. I shove them down, choke on the tears, and keep moving forward until I just can’t anymore. Then I have a sobbing panic attack, do some self destruction or some self care, and continue on until the next break down. It’s a vicious cycle.

I find that I am perpetually frustrated with my life and never where I want to be. Being a rennie was my ultimate goal since I was 18 and I fucked it up. I didn’t live in the present. I was constantly focused on the future, the past, anything other than what I was currently doing. I look back on the pictures I took and remember how I felt in those moments. Those feelings were not pleasant, even at Central Park, the mountains of Colorado, the forests of Texas and Georgia, snowfall in Central New York. I was so depressed the entire time I was on the road, I contemplated suicide on multiple occasions.

But I do remember the good things, like putting my feet in the creak at Helen Hunt Falls, standing under the falls at Niagara, painting in the sword shop alone listening to a podcast, eating the best Vietnamese pho and spring rolls in the south and in NYC, meeting my best friends for the first time, a compliment from a customer about how beautiful my eyes are, watching Rick and Morty while stoned with my joust family, watching my jouster boss beat Charlie Andrews in the 2017 Sherwood Forest joust tournament, picking fresh black berries and watching my friend’s face light up as she tried on for the first time.

Yeah, I had some good memories, and I could have had more if I’d just let myself be and enjoyed my life instead of continuously worry about what people were thinking of me.

With this most recent drama, I’ve rediscovered what I want my life to be. I want to see the world, meet people, learn from them, educate them, discover more ways to effectively communicate, no matter the boundaries. I want to develop myself into the kind of person that doesn’t need to give a shit what other people think because I know that I’m doing the best I can and things that make me happy, like making amazing memories and creating lively stories.

I started aimlessly back in December with my mental health, and that seems to have helped tremendously, but there’s still work to be done with that. (The problem is that I’m better, but my idea of better doesn’t necessarily mean that there can’t still be improvement to be made.) Then I got a job and maintained my streak of increasing my hourly wage with each job I’ve taken. I took another step by biting the bullet and getting myself on birth control, a goal I’ve been procrastinating on since I was 18, that was actually a lot easier to handle than I thought it would be.

After all of that, I was planning to make a trip to Ontario, but that appears to be a non-option now. Once I realized that my trip had become nearly impossible to pursue, I began to feel aimless again. Not having a goal makes my anxiety and depression so much worse. I begin to spiral into my intrusive thoughts telling me I’m useless, I’m not going anywhere, I’ll never be Satisfied. (Oh, Angelica, is this why I love you so much?)

To combat this, I’ve begun looking into jobs in other countries that can be obtained without a bachelor’s degree. Been looking into Teaching English as a Foreign Language jobs as well as USAjobs.gov for civilian, military-related international work. The prospect of living outside of the US in a new and unfamiliar place is exhilarating. Hell, even the long ass plane rides and the idea of packing makes me happy. This idea has me looking up how to make small investments (considering I’ll be sitting on $3k by the end of August) and into details of other countries in Europe and Asia mostly.

My one hang up is my mother. This is the 8th month of this round of cancer, which we were told in November would be terminal and that we should pursue palliative care. Every three weeks since she was diagnosed, aside from a few long stays in the hospital, she has gone in for chemo. Today was the first chemotherapy session where they decided not to do it because they believe the cancer has shrunk enough that immuno-therapy may be all it takes to keep her going. This is excellent news considering her death prediction. But when I first heard the news, I couldn’t get excited. And then it dawned on me. If she gets better and can maintain her health and well-being, then I am free to pursue my dreams of travel. Which is terrifying. Holy shit.

So I’m left with the unresolved emotions of the break up (sadness, anger, grief, overwhelming love and compassion), the joy my lovely boyfriend brings to me, the excitement of realizing my hopes and dreams again, the anxiety of pursuing those dreams, and the depression that seeps in whenever I fail at something or fear that I’m going to fail.

I really need a therapist equipped to advice a polyamory, bisexual, BDSM-loving, agnostic woman.

#mental health #mental illness #fuck cancer #poly #polyamory #polyamourous #polyamorous #polyamoury #words #6.11.2018

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covid19updater · 5 years

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COVID19 UPDATES: 03/26/2020

Brazil: Brazil’s coronavirus-driven political meltdown seems to be moving very fast and not in a good direction. Governors of all Brazil’s 27 states to convene later tonight to discuss president Bolsonaro’s behaviour

France: French Public Health Official Reports 2,827 People In Need Of Life Support Due To Coronavirus (prev 2,516) - Latest French Death Toll From Virus Stands At 1,331 Deaths (prev 1,100)

NYC: Despite #coronavirus restrictions, NYC subway cars are still PACKED. This video, taken YESTERDAY, shows passengers in an overcrowded train with little evidence of social distancing LINK

Michigan: 2 members of Detroit PD die from COVID 19

US: At least 11 states have reported over 100 new cases of coronavirus on Wednesday, according to updates from each state's Department of Health or state officials. Here is the breakdown from each of these states: New York added over 5,000 cases New Jersey added over 700 cases Louisiana went up 400 cases Pennsylvania reported 276 new cases Texas increased by 259 cases Florida jumped over 215 cases Georgia went up 150 cases Ohio added 140 cases Indiana gained 112 cases North Carolina climbed 106 cases Virginia added 101 cases

US/DOD: EXCLUSIVE-U.S. DEFENSE SECRETARY ESPER ISSUES A STOP MOVEMENT ORDER HALTING ALL TRAVEL AND MOVEMENT ABROAD FOR UP TO 60 DAYS

US: BREAKING: 5 more U.S. Navy sailors aboard aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt test positive for Covid-19 in Western Pacific, bringing total to 8 in past two days: U.S. officials The warship has a crew of 5,000.

NYC: CoV patient died in NYC hospital lobby waiting for bed

World: Wednesday's major coronavirus updates: - USA: +11,204 cases, +146 deaths - Spain: +7,457 cases, +656 deaths - Italy: +5,210 cases, +683 deaths - Germany: +3,907 cases, +47 deaths - France: +2,931 cases, +231 deaths - Iran: +2,206 cases, +143 deaths - UK: +1,452 cases, +43 deaths

RUMINT (Massachusetts): So some very solid info that I just got from my LEO friend down in Massachusetts... people here had posted a few days ago that they noticed a ton of power company trucks all over the place, both convoys and just sitting around in parking lots. Apparently the deal with that is authorities are extremely worried that a normal power outage due to a tree going down or a car hitting a pole would cause mass panic, making people think shit just totally hit the fan because of CoV. Because of this they are having the linemen pre-staged all over the place to respond immediately to any power outage and get it back on as soon as possible so people don't run downtown and start looting stores thinking society just collapsed.

Florida: Miami Commissioner Joe Carollo says he has heard of two additional cruise ships coming to Port Miami with passengers who have tested positive for COVID-19. He says he is concerned because the port is controlled by the county, not the city.

US: Hospitals across U.S. consider universal do-not-resuscitate orders for coronavirus patients LINK

NYC: An emergency room doctor in Elmhurst, Queens, gives a rare look inside a hospital at the center of the coronavirus pandemic. “We don’t have the tools that we need.” LINK

NYC: manager at Mount Sinai West hospital in NYC - where staff were forced to wear TRASH BAGS as protective equipment - dies of coronavirus at age 48 LINK

California: 17-year-old teenager died of coronavirus after being released from a Los Angeles hospital LINK

UK: London hospitals are facing a "tsunami" of coronavirus cases and are beginning to run out of intensive care beds, a senior hospital figure has said. LINK

Italy: Italy's death toll from Covid-19 could be severely underestimated. The town of Nembro, near Bergamo, had 158 deaths so far this year vs 35 on average in the recent past. Only 31 deaths were attributed to Covid-19.

Portugal: 60 deaths and 3544 cases now in Portugal! +17 deaths, +549 new cases and 18,3% rise on cases. 61 critical.

Texas: Warning: 2 men wearing scrubs, masks trying to perform in-home coronavirus tests LINK

Singapore: Health officials in Singapore reported 73 new confirmed cases of the novel coronavirus on Wednesday, making it the country’s largest single-day increase in cases.

Italy: ITALY'S LOMBARDY REGIONAL GOVERNOR SAYS CORONAVIRUS DATA ON WEDNESDAY "NOT VERY GOOD", NUMBER OF CASES UP BY SOME 2,500

Switzerland: A strange pattern has emerged in COVID-19 CFRs in Switzerland. COVID-19 has been twice as likely to kill patients in French-speaking cantons of Switzerland than in German-speaking, and more than twice as likely to kill patients in Italian speaking cantons than in French ones.

UK: BREAKING - United Kingdom is changing how #COVID19 deaths are recorded and made public, a Downing Street spokesman confirmed. Seems the UK is starting to hide deaths now.

Germany: BREAKING - "We already have many infected with #COVID19. And we have many dead already." Germany's Health Minister adds: "This is still the calm before the storm."

Russia: BREAKING - The Russian Ministry of Defense has allocated 8.8 billion rubles for the construction of 16 makeshift field hospitals for #COVID19 patients across the country.

Germany: BREAKING - Germany's Minister of Agriculture complains about staff shortages in the food supply amid #COVID19. Foreign seasonal workers are lacking in slaughterhouses and dairies. Sowing of grain also at risk.

RUMINT (New Orleans): "I am an ER MD in New Orleans. Class of 98. Every one of my colleagues have now seen several hundred Covid 19 patients and this is what I think I know. Clinical course is predictable. 2-11 days after exposure (day 5 on average) flu like symptoms start. Common are fever, headache, dry cough, myalgias(back pain), nausea without vomiting, abdominal discomfort with some diarrhea, loss of smell, anorexia, fatigue. Day 5 of symptoms- increased SOB, and bilateral viral pneumonia from direct viral damage to lung parenchyma. Day 10- Cytokine storm leading to acute ARDS and multiorgan failure. You can literally watch it happen in a matter of hours. 81% mild symptoms, 14% severe symptoms requiring hospitalization, 5% critical. Patient presentation is varied. Patients are coming in hypoxic (even 75%) without dyspnea. I have seen Covid patients present with encephalopathy, renal failure from dehydration, DKA. I have seen the bilateral interstitial pneumonia on the xray of the asymptomatic shoulder dislocation or on the CT's of the (respiratory) asymptomatic polytrauma patient. Essentially if they are in my ER, they have it. Seen three positive flu swabs in 2 weeks and all three had Covid 19 as well. Somehow this ***** has told all other disease processes to get out of town. China reported 15% cardiac involvement. I have seen covid 19 patients present with myocarditis, pericarditis, new onset CHF and new onset atrial fibrillation. I still order a troponin, but no cardiologist will treat no matter what the number in a suspected Covid 19 patient. Even our non covid 19 STEMIs at all of our facilities are getting TPA in the ED and rescue PCI at 60 minutes only if TPA fails. Diagnostic CXR- bilateral interstitial pneumonia (anecdotally starts most often in the RLL so bilateral on CXR is not required). The hypoxia does not correlate with the CXR findings. Their lungs do not sound bad. Keep your stethoscope in your pocket and evaluate with your eyes and pulse ox. Labs- WBC low, Lymphocytes low, platelets lower then their normal, Procalcitonin normal in 95% CRP and Ferritin elevated most often. CPK, D-Dimer, LDH, Alk Phos/AST/ALT commonly elevated. Notice D-Dimer- I would be very careful about CT PE these patients for their hypoxia. The patients receiving IV contrast are going into renal failure and on the vent sooner. Basically, if you have a bilateral pneumonia with normal to low WBC, lymphopenia, normal procalcitonin, elevated CRP and ferritin- you have covid-19 and do not need a nasal swab to tell you that. A ratio of absolute neutrophil count to absolute lymphocyte count greater than 3.5 may be the highest predictor of poor outcome. the UK is automatically intubating these patients for expected outcomes regardless of their clinical presentation. An elevated Interleukin-6 (IL6) is an indicator of their cytokine storm. If this is elevated watch these patients closely with both eyes. Other factors that appear to be predictive of poor outcomes are thrombocytopenia and LFTs 5x upper limit of normal. Disposition I had never discharged multifocal pneumonia before. Now I personally do it 12-15 times a shift. 2 weeks ago we were admitting anyone who needed supplemental oxygen. Now we are discharging with oxygen if the patient is comfortable and oxygenating above 92% on nasal cannula. We have contracted with a company that sends a paramedic to their home twice daily to check on them and record a pulse ox. We know many of these patients will bounce back but if it saves a bed for a day we have accomplished something. Obviously we are fearful some won't make it back.We are a small community hospital. Our 22 bed ICU and now a 4 bed Endoscopy suite are all Covid 19. All of these patients are intubated except one. 75% of our floor beds have been cohorted into covid 19 wards and are full. We are averaging 4 rescue intubations a day on the floor. We now have 9 vented patients in our ER transferred down from the floor after intubation. Luckily we are part of a larger hospital group. Our main teaching hospital repurposed space to open 50 new Covid 19 ICU beds this past Sunday so these numbers are with significant decompression. Today those 50 beds are full. They are opening 30 more by Friday. But even with the "lockdown", our AI models are expecting a 200-400% increase in covid 19 patients by 4/4/2020. Treatment Supportive worldwide 86% of covid 19 patients that go on a vent die. Seattle reporting 70%. Our hospital has had 5 deaths and one patient who was extubated. Extubation happens on day 10 per the Chinese and day 11 per Seattle. Plaquenil which has weak ACE2 blockade doesn't appear to be a savior of any kind in our patient population. Theoretically, it may have some prophylactic properties but so far it is difficult to see the benefit to our hospitalized patients, but we are using it and the studies will tell. With Plaquenil's potential QT prolongation and liver toxic effects (both particularly problematic in covid 19 patients), I am not longer selectively prescribing this medication as I stated on a previous post. We are also using Azithromycin, but are intermittently running out of IV. Do not give these patient's standard sepsis fluid resuscitation. Be very judicious with the fluids as it hastens their respiratory decompensation. Outside the DKA and renal failure dehydration, leave them dry. Proning vented patients significantly helps oxygenation. Even self proning the ones on nasal cannula helps. Vent settings- Usual ARDS stuff, low volume, permissive hypercapnia, etc. Except for Peep of 5 will not do. Start at 14 and you may go up to 25 if needed. Do not use Bipap- it does not work well and is a significant exposure risk with high levels of aerosolized virus to you and your staff. Even after a cough or sneeze this virus can aerosolize up to 3 hours. The same goes for nebulizer treatments. Use MDI. you can give 8-10 puffs at one time of an albuterol MDI. Use only if wheezing which isn't often with covid 19. If you have to give a nebulizer must be in a negative pressure room; and if you can, instruct the patient on how to start it after you leave the room. Do not use steroids, it makes this worse. Push out to your urgent cares to stop their usual practice of steroid shots for their URI/bronchitis. We are currently out of Versed, Fentanyl, and intermittently Propofol. Get the dosing of Precedex and Nimbex back in your heads. One of my colleagues who is a 31 yo old female who graduated residency last may with no health problems and normal BMI is out with the symptoms and an SaO2 of 92%. She will be the first of many. I PPE best I have. I do wear a MaxAir PAPR the entire shift. I do not take it off to eat or drink during the shift. I undress in the garage and go straight to the shower. My wife and kids fled to her parents outside Hattiesburg. The stress and exposure at work coupled with the isolation at home is trying. But everyone is going through something right now. Everyone is scared; patients and employees. But we are the leaders of that emergency room. Be nice to your nurses and staff. Show by example how to tackle this crisis head on. Good luck to us all."

China: BREAKING - China is drastically reducing the number of international flights from Sunday, as they fear a second wave of #COVID19 from foreign countries. But they cried when others banned flights from China.

US/DOD: US Army Goes To Highest State of Health Protection: SUBJECT: FRAGO 13 TO HQDA EXORD 144-20 ARMY WIDE PREPAREDNESS AND RESPONSE TO CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) OUTBREAK// (U) REFERENCES. REF//A/ THROUGH REF//WW/ NO CHANGE. REF//XX/ [ADD] FRAGO 12 TO HQDA EXORD 144-20 ARMY WIDE PREPAREDNESS AND RESPONSE TO CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) OUTBREAK, DTG: 230210Z MAR 20// 1. (U) SITUATION. [ADD] MITIGATION MEASURES TAKEN BY THE ARMY TO BLUNT THE SPREAD OF COVID-19 HAVE PROVEN INSUFFICIENT. COVID-19 CONTINUES TO SPREAD GEOGRAPHICALLY AS THE NUMBER OF INFECTED PERSONS CONTINUES TO RISE. CIVILIAN CAPABILITY AND CAPACITY ARE BECOMING MORE STRESSED AS DENSE POPULATION CENTERS CONTINUE TO REPORT HIGHER RATES OF INFECTION THAT ARE IMPACTING MAJOR TRANSPORTATION HUBS AND SUPPLY CHAINS. ADDITIONAL MEASURES AND ACTIONS ARE REQUIRED TO PROTECT THE FORCE FROM FURTHER SPREAD OF COVID-19. FOR EXAMPLE, TO MAINTAIN STRATEGIC READINESS AND PRESERVE OUR RAPID-RESPONSE CAPABILITIES, WE ARE PLACING RAPID-RESPONSE FORCES UNDER HPCON DELTA.

France: The newspaper "Die Welt" reports on Italian conditions in France: A team of German doctors discovered during a visit to Strasbourg that triage had long reigned in Alsace. Means: Patients are sorted according to chances of survival. Brigitte Klinkert, President of the French department Haut-Rhin, to "Die Welt": "We have been doing triage for two weeks. Patients over 80, over 75, and sometimes over 70 can no longer be intubated because we simply lack the ventilators. It cannot be said often enough, because not only the German neighbors, but also the French outside of Alsace are not yet aware of the situation here. "

NYC: BREAKING - Last night EMS in New York took 6,406 medical 911 calls. The highest volume ever, surpassing the level of calls on 9/11 when the terrorist planes hit the WTC.

US: BREAKING - U.S. Navy to test all sailors on aircraft carrier in Pacific as #COVID19 cases grow, and grow, and grow. 24 sailors aboard USS Theodore Roosevelt have now tested positive for the virus. TR pulling into Guam soon, Navy says

World: GLOBAL CORONAVIRUS CASES REACHES HALF MILLION MARK WITH CHINA, ITALY AND US ON TOP 3 LIST #breakingnews

New York: 34% OF NEW YORK CORONAVIRUS TESTS ARE COMING BACK POSITIVE

Italy: BREAKING - Italy reports 6,153 new #COVID19 cases and 662 new deaths. Total now 80,539 coronavirus infections in the country and 8,165 dead. MOST NEW CASES IN FIVE DAYS

Louisiana: Another update on hospitalization of covid patients in Louisiana: Today, 676 patients (29%) are hospitalized. 239 of them are on ventilators, which are in short supply, especially in New Orleans.

US: FAUCI SAYS THINKS CORONAVIRUS WILL CONTINUE ON THROUGH SUMMER, DOES NOT THINK IT WILL "DISAPPEAR"

New Jersey: NEW JERSEY CORONAVIRUS CASES INCREASE BY 2,492 FROM DAY EARLIER TO 6,876, DEATHS UP BY 19 TO 81 -GOVERNOR PHIL MURPHY

New York: The number has now climbed to 351 members of the NYPD that have tested positive for coronavirus

UK: BREAKING: UK reports 2,129 new cases of coronavirus and 113 new deaths, raising total to 11,658 cases and 578 dead

France: LATEST DEATH TOLL IN FRANCE FROM CORONAVIRUS STANDS AT 1,696 DEATHS (VS 1,331 yesterday) - PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL

NYC: NBC News: 131 FDNY members have tested positive for COVID19. More than 2,000 members of the agency are on medical leave, most of them with flu-like and coronavirus-like symptoms, per senior FDNY official.

RUMINT: Report from a friend who is an ER PA in a mid size city. No, I will give no other identifying info about him. Testing 250-300 per day. Some positives with low grade (101 and below) fever, but those also have diarrhea. Their first cases were idiots who went to Mardi Gras. No, he in not in NOLA. These assholes transported the virus to their hometown. They expect it to really ratchet up next week, and go full on crazy the week after.

RUMINT (NYC): So many police officers in NY infected, many in quarantine, and more to follow. When the “urban youths” figure out the cats are unable to come out, it will be full on mayhem time. The guard will be necessary to tamp that shit down. If the rubber bullets don't at first work, I suspect there will be shoot to kill orders. Otherwise, the non rape/pillage/loot people will be butchered.

Anonymous Doctor’s Evaluation of COVID19: Ebola is a knock out expert. HIV plays the long game but only ends 1 way, COVID is the illegitimate brother to them both.

US: BREAKING: U.S. overtakes China as the country with the highest number of confirmed coronavirus cases

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