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chunibyo-x-sorcerer · 17 days

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The Misadventures of Phoenix and Shadow Chimera Sorcerer Part 22: Crazy Mission Story Meeting

------ Hi everyone! This is Deamon-mun here with the new chapter of this series. This is created for @the-silver-peahen-residence since we both love funny and dramatic stories! Here are the previous chapters and parts. ||Previous chapters of Chapter 1-9||

||Previous chapters of Chapters 6-13||

|| Previous chapters of Chapter 14 - 20 || Chapter 21 ---- Warning ---- Hilarity Things that don't make sense make sense! Ridiculousness Dumbassery Grammar Errors Wholesome moment at the end.

----- Summary ---- After the events of Hide and Seek deadly curse, the students resume their missions. But then Kisho, Yuji, Nobara, and Yuria were called into the meeting with Jujtusu Tech faculty about a crazy mission that went down yesterday resulting in a high-speed chase! Megumi is also there wondering what the hell happened when he wasn't there. Get ready for storytime!

-----

"So explain what happened." The four students came in as they are required to attend to explain what happened. Kisho Hashimoto ( aka Daichi PhoenX ), Yuji Itadori, Nobara Kugasaki and Yuria Niguerdo. As they were on a mission to exorcise a curse yesterday late afternoon. Some of the faculty were there as well. Principal Yaga, Gojo Saturo, Nanami Kento, Kusakabe Atsuya, Shoko Ieiri, and Kiyotaka Ichiji are there.

They were hearing things last night. Last night's mission was....to put in simple terms; chaos. So something must gone down. Of course, everyone knew that four students must be partially responsible for this. "Hashimoto. You start. Can you explain what happened at the location that was 'blown up' and the curse users being involved? Something involving a detonated device?" Principal Yaga read the report. Megumi who is in attendance was dragged by Gojo who narrows his eyes at Kisho right now. Because he's pretty sure that he told him not to use a drone. But oh no....Daichi or rather Kisho had an new invention. "Kisho...if it's a drone..." Megumi warns. "Nope! No drone! A different one! This one is better!" Kisho grins. "And what is better than a drone?" Nanami questioned, frowning. "To start off; I decided to make an invention where I can use Roomba to move towards the curses. When the curse and robot make contact, it explodes and exorcises the curse right away! Of course, it's not a guarantee, but it gives us an idea of how strong of a curse it is. I even install a camera in it!" Daichi explained himself. "I call this device the Rooster Bomb or Cocktarice Bomb!" This got the faculty dumbstruck. The name sounds....cringy but names aside...that wasn't the point here. It's the device. "Wow...." Gojo said. "You use...a Roomba? Like those self-cleaning robots?" Nanami stared at Kisho. "That Roomba?" The teen nods. Kusakabe blinks. That seems reasonable given the rumors that Daichi uses a drone with fireworks to defeat a curse. However... "Wait..a second...how did you exactly...did you program a roomba to find a curse and explode when it's close?" Kusakabe is now curious. Everyone wants to know that too. "Don't roombas have this map technology and they need one run to map out the place?" Shoko asked with a brow raised. "Oh yeah! How did you do it?" Gojo wants to know. "Yes. Please explain Hashimoto." Principal Yaga crosses his arms. "Uhhhh...." Daichi/Kisho said. Megumi is now looking at Daichi for answers. ------ Few weeks ago -----

"And with this, we can make a moving mine!" Kisho grins, showing the dry erase board to Yuria, Itadori and Nobara, presenting his greatest idea. Taz and Miko were on a mission with Fushiguro.

"So..you're going to have a roomba to replace the drone thing?" Yuji asked. Meanwhile, Sukuna is intrigued by this but wants to see how much of a fuck up this invention would do. "Yes and no.... since Megumi won't approve us of using the fireworks on a drone ever again. I decide to opt for the safest and non-destructive alternative. The Exploding Roomba!" Daichi grins. "Okay...how does it work? I mean Roombas need one run to map out the place and it's going to take a lot of time." Nobara is sipping her drink with a straw. Already, she is down with any invention that might help her and save her from fighting curses that are super gross. But she doesn't want to deal with Megumi's frog shikigmai. Again.

"Still working on it." "Roombas have this Imprint™ Smart Mapping Technology that allows your robot vacuum to learn and map your house, adapting to your needs, right?" Yuria asked. "Yep, we just need to reprogram with a code." Kisho said. Yuji Itadori blinks then something came to mind. "OH! I know a person who can help with the code." Yuji smiles with his hand raised.

----- "I found a computer programmer. Forgot the name!" Kisho said. "Online!" He answered. Gojo hums while Kusakabe raises a brow his eyes, Nanami furrows his brows and Shoko chuckles a little. That answer was so simple but sorcerer leaves it alone. But then... "Is it someone we know?" Megumi asks. "Uh....no?" Kisho said. Megumi can already smell the bullshit from here. He looks towards Nobara, Yuji and Yuria, "You three?"

"Nope." Yuji answered.

"Nuh-huh." Nobara answered. "Don't know." Yuria answered. And the three of them were looking to the side as if they're not suspicious right now. Principal Yaga can see that they're covering for someone. Megumi squints his eyes at his friends before asking another person, "Sukuna."

The sorcerers blinked at Megumi calling out Sukuna. Although, Gojo knew what question he's about to ask. "Do you know?" Megumi asked. A few seconds passed before Sukuna's mouth emerges on Yuji's cheek.

"Sorry. I was asleep so I wouldn't know." Sukuna answered. Gojo is holding his mouth, trying not to laugh at how quickly he answered. Shoko hums, "Well..."

"Riiiight." Megumi said as he doesn't believe that either!

Thanks for having our backs, Sukuna!' Itadori tells him telepathically. Sukuna scoffs, "I'm not saving your ass. Unlike you, I have standards. I don't rattle out people."

If there's anything that Sukuna hates more is snitching. Sukuna; The King of Curses condones murder, mass killings, kidnapping, terrorism, cannibalism and a few others things. But snitching isn't one of them. He's no snitch. It is beneath him!

Oh! And he hates fraud too! But besides that, Megumi is going to know how or who gave the roomba a new purpose is made or what they call it...'reprogramming.'

"It was Jinx, wasn't it?" Megumi asked.

"HUH?!" Yuji widened his eyes.

"Don't lie to me, Itadori. I know you call your girlfriend for a favor!" Megumi pointed at him.

Yuji gasped, stammers, "W-why would Jinx program a roomba?! She's isn't into coding!" Yuji argued.

"No but Jinx's friend is. I would know. Not to mention, Taz's friend; Fosh...you could of ask her and had her friend to do the programming for you." Yuji widen his eyes. ----- Flashback --- "Hey Jinx! How are you?" "Doing great! How are you? I miss you!" Jinx smiles. Itadori's heart softens hearing that, "I miss you. Hey. Sorry to bother you but I need a favor. We can ask Mouse to reprogram a code for the Roomba?" Yuji asked. "What for?"

"Well my friend, Kisho had this cool idea and..." Yuji talks to Jinx about it and Jinx is smiling at the explanation. "Say no more! That sounds cool! Send me a video of it when you use it!" ----- Present ----

"Heck no! Like Daichi said, it's a freelance hacker we don't know he hired! No names, no faces! Nothing!" Yuji quickly says. Daichi, Nobara and Yuria nods. But they were lying! So lying. And Megumi is not going to let them get away with that.

"Oh really? Then let's call her."

"You want to call her when it's night over there, Fushiguro?!" Nobara exclaimed. "It's like super nighttime in the morning!" Yuria exclaimed.

"Yeah, she's probably sleeping!" Daichi said.

"You can't ruin someone's beauty sleep!" Nobara added. Yuji nods in agreement. "Yeah! She is asleep and I won't call her, Fushiguro! No way." Megumi narrows his eyes and the teachers can tell he is not letting this slide. But none of them is going to stop this because it's like watching a show.

"I bet someone is going to say something." Shoko whispered. "I bet 30 thousand yen on the students talking."

"Oooh! How about making 50 if Megumi finds out." Gojo snickered.

"You two..." Nanami sighed while Kusakabe sweatdropped but goes to ask, "Okay besides the programming. How does it work? So the roomba goes to search for the curse and explodes just like that?" "Yes." "That sounds good and all but one problem..." Principal Yaga said. Kisho blinkes, "Yes?" "Why did you have to blow half of the building up?!" Yaga demanded. "Well, it responds to how strong the curse is and how dangerous it is. If it's a high-grade curse, the Roomba made the decision to blow itself up to attack the curse! This is to find out if the curse we're dealing with is low or high and I rather avoid any deaths." Kisho said seriously. "If the Roomba didn't kill off the curse, we can assume it's a high-grade since it's my own cursed energy. And we can plan accordingly." The word death got the faculty paused. And no doubt this made them think back to how Miko was possessed and had her life in endanger because of it. Gojo hums as he can see the reason behind it and so did Nanami, Shoko, and Principal Yaga. So the reason Kisho came up with this idea to prevent such a situation from happening again. In a way, nobody would argue against it but still...why so much firepower?! "That....makes sense but there's something else to it, isn't there?" Kusakabe-sensei said. "Yes Kusakabe-sensei. Upon that, we find out that there were curse users hiding at that place doing whatever they were doing and they got in a panic, screaming something about rituals and bringing forth some curse demon! We can guess that they were using a shikigami or curse as its guardian to ward off others. Once the curse is exorcised, they got into a car and ran off so we pursue them in a high-speed chase.."

"IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE?!" Kusakabe-senpai yelled. Megumi widens his eyes, "High-speed chase?! What are you four thinking?!"

"Yes. Apparently, in the report provided by Nobara....they pursue the curse users in a high-speed chase..." Principal Yaga said, reading the report and having Ichiji pass it to everyone in attendance. Megumi included. "As a matter of fact, who was driving the car? It was on the news last night! The UA school contacted us about this!" Principal Yaga frowns. "Kisho, was it you?"

"No sir!"

"Itadori?" "Nuh-huh!" "Kugisaki?""

"Nope!" "Niguredou?" "Not me!"

"So who was it???"

"It was me, sir!" Kiyotaka raised his hand a little shaken. All sorcerers widen their eyes at him. "It was you, Kiyotaka?! You were driving the car the entire time?!" Principal Yaga asked in disbelief. "The plot thickens..." Gojo muses to which Shoko goes, "Huh..." "You were driving that car?!" Kusakabe's lollipop slips from his mouth. "Why prompt you to do this?" Nanami asked him curiously. "Well...." Kiyotaka, the manager scratches his cheek, trying to find a way to explain this.

----- Flashback -----

"Kiyotaka! Chase them right now!" Daichi yelled.

"B-but! We should call for backup." Ichiji said. "The objective is to exorcise the curse, not to deal with curse users. I think this is-"

"Ichiji! You're the backup!"

"Huh?" Ichiji blinked Nobara, Yuji and Yuria were in the backseat, listening to this while Daichi is in the passenger seat. "You're our guy to chase these guys down! We're the only ones we can stop these guys from getting away with it. You are part of this team!"

"Yes well...but still...we need to call in this and-" Kiyotaka tries to maintain his serious composure however..

"Kiyotaka Ichiji-san, this is your time!"

"My what?" Kiyotaka blinked.

"This is your time to chase these bastards! I know you're a good driver! Hell! I bet this is the time where you can show them what you're made of! I know you can do this." Daichi tells him.

"I mean...I'm a driver, yes but..." Kiyotaka pauses before asking, "Are you suggesting I should chase them down? I don't know if I can. What if Gojo-"

"Gojo isn't here to stop you! Kiyotaka Ichiji, forget him! He's not here! I know you're a good driver! You think Gojo picks you as a driver for nothing? No because you're a damn good driver! Because Gojo can't drive for shit, that's why he needs you!! It's time to ignite your soul engine and show them what you're made of! You're our only hope! This is your time! YOUR TIME!! This is where you can do this! I can see the fire in your eyes! Waiting to be unleashed, blazing with adrenaline! " Daichi smacks the dashboard, emphasizing this point.

"My eyes???" Kiyotaka said as he can't believe this but yet his words is doing something to him. Nobara, Yuria and Yuji are looking at each other, wondering what the hell Daichi is talking about. "Yes! Eito can see it! I can see it. Yuji can see it. Nobara can see it. Yuria can see it. And even Sukuna; The King of Curses can see it!" Wait what? What the hell is he talking about?? See what?!' Sukuna commented in Yuji's head. Yuji answers, 'I think he's giving Kiyotaka a pep talk..." "Eito says you're waiting for this moment and this is the MOMENT you're waiting for. You put up with crap for so long, I bet you want to vent this out. Well guess this! This is the time to let it out! It's by chasing these curse user bastards! I know you got balls! You're the man of the hour right now, Kiyotaka! You can't let them get away with this, okay?! This is your moment to shine! You need to make your dreams to become reality. You are speed! THEE SPEED" What the hell?! Nobara, Yuji and Yuria are staring at Daichi, listening to this. There is no way Kiyotaka would do i-

"I see. So this is my time..." Kiyotaka gripping the sterling wheel, now his gaze turns steely. "Uhhhh...." Nobara sees the change of attitude in Kiyotaka the manager. "What's going on?!" Nobara asked Yuria who is now into this. "Got no idea! But looks like we gotta put our seatbelts on!" "Yes! Your time!"

"My time!" Kiyotaka's eyes look intense as there is now fire in his eyes. Oh shoot! Yuji goes to put his seatbelt whileSukuna can't believe this. This timid human is going for it?!

"YES! YOUR TIME!" Daichi yelled.

"MY TIME!" Kiyotaka is now putting his foot to the pedal and drives off in rush.. "Buckle up, everyone! It's time to chase them down! We won't let them get away with this!" Kiyotaka shouted, now clearly motivated by Daichi's speech. And right away, the students are in the ride of their lives.

"AAAAAHHHH!" Nobara, Yuji and Yuria are screaming, holding on their seatbelts for dear life while Daichi and Ichiji are grinning so manically. "YES! THAT'S IT, KIYOTAKA! YOU ARE SPEED!" "I AM SPEED!" Kiyotaka shouted.

------ "Daichi gave Kiyotaka the 'Vin Diesel' speech!" Itadori added while impersonating the actor and his gruff voice.

"The what now?" Nanami questioned. "Yeah! Daichi is going on about Kiyotaka that he's the only one who can stop them!" Nobara yelled while Kiyotaka flushed pink, looking a bit embarrassed.

"Oh my god.." Megumi facepalmed, this is unbelievable. It's like it came straight out of the movie script. There is no way that happene/! Daichi influence Kiyotaka to go on a high-speed chase? Kiyotaka Ichiji, out of all people to go on high-speed chase?! Due to a speech??? "Yeah! Daichi is like, "This is your time, Kiyotaka! Unleash your true power or soul engine" or whatever!" Yuria said. Kisho chuckles sheephisly, "Yep. That's the gist of it." So basically...

"So...you gave Ichiji-kun, a pep talk to make him drive like that?!" Gojo is amazed and he can't imagine Kiyotaka Ichiji being the driver of that car last night. He thought Daichi was the one but Ichiji?! He whistled at that as he is impressed.

"You persuaded him to go on the high-speed chase with your motivated speech?! Just like that???" Kusakabe had his head in his hand, trying to imagine this right now. He is in shock. There is no way that is true.

"To be fair...Hashimoto has a point. We can't let them leave and spread their chaos and all that." Kiyotaka spoke up. "I performed the PIT maneuver on the curse user's car and it crashed in the ditch. We managed to catch them and later defeated." Silence until... "A PIT maneuver...." Nanami is at a loss for words, leaning back. "You drove them off the road?" Nanami couldn't imagine Kiyotaka do such a thing. The man is disciplined around students yet nervous sometimes. So to hear he done such a feat thanks to Daichi's.....speech. "Yes." Kiyotaka. answered with a small smile. "Holy crap..." Kuskabe uttered.

"Wow. Impressive." Shoko said getting Kiyotaka blush a little. "Never thought you had it in you, Ichiji." Shoko smiles. "You know..I am surprised at myself." Kiyotaka said.

"Goddamn..." Principal Yaga said as he has a newfound respect for Ichiji now. Who knew he had in hi?!. Wait hold on! This doesn't change anything! The mission was chaotic!

"It isn't impressive when you got cops chasing you." Kusakabe frowning, "How the hell did you manage to deal with that?!"

"Rest assured. I managed to lose them given my experience. I uh...used to do drag racing when I was young." Kiyotaka said this, pushing his glasses looking a bit embarrsed. Everyone is in shock. "You?! A drag racer?!" Kusakabe exclaimed. Hearing that, there is no doubt in his words making the faculty wonder what the hell happened last night. "Holy crap, now it makes sense! Kiyotaka just went Fast & Furious Tokyo Drift!" Nobara said. "You should of seen it! I think Eito recorded it! I almost died though." "He was drifting! Tokyo drifting!" Said Yuji, describing the chase. Sukuna groans, remembering that ride. It gave the King of Cruses almost a heart attack. Of course, he won't tell that to anyone due to his pride. "He was super awesome!" Yuria said. "If it weren't for him, the bad guys would of gotten away. Plus, he left those cops and the pro-heroes in the dust. I thought I was in an action movie."

"You three, just shut up." Megumi twitched an eye. "And Daichi! Stop smiling! That mission was shit when I read the report!" Megumi waved the paper in his hand furiously; the report.

"What?! Oh come on! It wasn't that bad!" Daichi yelled. "Wasn't that bad?! WASN'T THAT BAD?!" Megumi shouted getting the faculty startled by how upset Megumi is right now. Although..Gojo is munching on popcorn, watching this scene as if he was entertained. Nanami had to smack him upside the head making Shoko chuckle and Kusakabe shake his head. Kiyotaka is rubbing his neck, looking sheepish while Principal Yaga sighs. "You blew up a building with an explosive reprogrammed roomba, pursuit curse users in a high-speed chase that got us on the news last night where pro-heroes are called in and you caused damage to the road and the building!" Megumi said as those are the problems laid out.

"The road?" Kusakabe said. "YES! Apparently, witnesses said that there were some explosions and shooting!" Megumi tells them. "There were potholes!" "Uhhh..." Yuria said, as she was sweating. "What did you four do???" Nanami asked, demanding an answer. "They were shooting at us! One of the curse users were throwing arrows and some objects at us." Daichi replied. "It's like cops and robbers! But like jujutsu sorcerers vs curse users!" "So me and Daichi were shooting at them back while we chasing them!" Yuria said, gesturing to the finger gun. So it sounds like a Fast and Furious movie from how they described it. ---- Flashback ----

"HEEY! They shooting at us!" Nobara yells. Yuria frowns. "Kiyotaka! Roll the window down!" "RIGHT!" Kiyotaka did so where Yuria points her finger and goes to fire off cursed energy bullets at the car and arrows thrown at them. Daichi helps up by launching fireballs at them. The casted techniques were thrown at each other, canceling each other but then a curse user goes to throw something at them. A talisman. "Daichi and Yuria, pull your arms back inside!" He said which they did and as he had the windows rolled up.

"EVERYONE! BRACE YOURSELVES!" Kiyotaka yelled.The talisman blew up resulting in a fiery explosion. "HA! WE GOT THEM! THOSE DAMN JUJUTSU SORCERERS!" Said one curse user. "Right!? Those punks got nothing on us!" "Ha! We can go back to our bank robbing plan with the curse we came up and-WHAT THE FUCK?!" In the rear-view mirror, the curse user driver sees the car of their enemy jump out of the fiery explosion still intact. The two curse users look towards the car that is unscathed is now gaining on them. "How in the world-" Then their car were rammed from behind, making their getaway vehicle swivel out of control. All three curse users scream as they hit a ditch off the road, ending the chase. ---- Present ---- "It is true." Kiyotaka said. "They were good at deflecting the attacks and the curse users try to use a talisman to blow us up but I managed to apply cursed energy reinforcement to the car so I managed to push through the fiery explosion and did the PIT maneuver. All of it is caught on camera." Kiyotaka said calmly as if he is proud of what he did.

"I have no words..." Nanami said as he couldn't believe it. He had to take off his glasses and wipe them. That's how unbelievable it is. On second thought, Nanami completely believes it since Kiyotaka is backing up their claims.

"Caught on camera? Where's the video?" Shoko said. "I send to Miko and Taz to watch it. The second-years are watching this too."

"Why???" Kusakabe asked with his shoulders slumped.

"Because they want to watch it after we told them about the mission." Yuria said. Kusakabe runs through his hair with his hand, he needs a drink after this. "I need to see that video! It sounds so cool from the way you guys talked about it!" Gojo said.

"Same here." Shoko said. Principal Yaga clears his throat, "Yes..well...I guess that explains everything but is there anything else I need to know?" "We left a note." Yuji said. "For the pro-heroes." "A note?" Megumi repeated. Yuria nods, "Yep! We kicked their butts but we found out that they weren't using cursed energy, just quirks but they were dabbling in curse stuff so we tie them up before the cops and pro-heroes get here when we intergotted them." Yuria explains to which the three nods their heads. "That explains the call..." Principal Yaga facepalmed, rubbing his temples. Of course, they had to left a note. ------ Flashback ----

"Uhhhh...guys?" Midoirya found the suspects that were responsible for the string of robberies with unseen tactics. All three tied up with bruises and bumps on their eyes. All of them were unconincous. Midoriya found a note on them. "Yeah?" Bakugo and Shoto asked.

"Look!" Midoriya shows Shoto and Bakugo the note where it says, "Sorry! Our fault. They were curse users but they were using curses to commit crimes so sorry about that! " Signed Your friendly neighborhood Jujutsu Sorcerers And there is a Pheonx circle stamp on it which says 'Daichi PheonX' "Uhhhh..." Midoriya has no words, seeing the car that is wrecked as parts of the road had some potholes

"This is all part of those damn sorcerers again?!" Bakugo yelled. "I swear as if the garbage at the bay wasn't enough?!"

"I think we need to tell the school, Midoriya." Shoto said. Midoriya slowly nods with a smile, "Yeah no doubt about it."

-----

"YOU PUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL STAMP ON THE NOTE?!" Megumi yelled. "So that way, we can be honest with them!" Kisho said. "I MEAN...they're going to know sooner or later!" Kisho explained with his hands up. "Pro-heroes have an agreement with jujutsu society when it comes to jujutsu activity, right? Better to tell them!"

"You are an idiot!" Megumi yelled. "Do you know how much that is going to cost us!" "Uhhhhh...got no idea! I will pay for it thought." Kisho smiles nervously. "WITH WHAT MONEY?!" Megumi questioned. "From my youtube channel?" Kisho said sheepishly. Silence fills the room as Megumi's face darkens. Gojo is sipping a cherry cola, "Oh boy...here it comes.." Gojo said. Kusakabe blinks, "Here it comes? What you are talking about-" Megumi goes to form a hand sign and at that moment, Kisho told his three fellow classmates to book it. "EVERYONE OUT! OUT!" "Wait why!?" Yuria yelled. "You wanna get slimed by a frog?!" Noabra exclaimed. Yuria gasps, "EWWW NO!" "THEN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!" Yuji yelled. All four of the students ran out of the meeting with Megumi chasing them in hot pursuit. "GET YOUR ASS BACK, DAICHI! I SWEAR EVERY TIME!" ----- Back at the meeting ----

With the students left in a hurry or rather ran for their lives from an angry Megumi. The meeting left everyone to their thoughts trying to process this. "That was an eye-opener, wasn't it?" Gojo grins making Kusakabe and Nanami sigh. Shoko chuckles while Principal Yaga facepalms, "How are we going to explain to the Higher-Ups, Gojo?" Yaga asked.

"Oh come on! Those guys will have a headache and dismiss it once I tell them the explosive Roomba! Those guys are so old, they will doze off" Gojo laughed. "Those geezers will write it off!"

"And what would be the punishment?" Yaga asked.

"I mean...." Kuskaabe begins before hearing Megumi yelling, "DAICHI! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND TAKE YOUR PUNISHMENT!"

"I guess cleaning the school grounds will be enough.." Kusakabe finished, hearing the terror in the students' screams. He feels bad for them now.

"I agree. Megumi's punishments are enough.." Nanami said this, putting his glasses back on, trying to ignore the chaos outside.

"Yep." Shoko said. "Fushiguro knows how to put the fear of God into them."

---- Meanwhile ----

Miko is laughing so hard that there were tears coming from her eyes, after watching the video that Eito came with at her room while she is in recovery. Taz is there with the second years watching this.

"Holy crap! Never thought Kiyotaka had it in him!" Maki laughs. "Daichi should be a public speaker!" "Right? Who knew that Daichi had to rile him up like that." Said Panada. "Salmon!" Toge added. Taz smiles, seeing Miko is happy and laughing watching this. Miko smiles heartily, "That's Kisho for you. He knows the right thing to say." Miko smiles as there is slight blush, petting Eito and Anconda. "You two should really get together..." "Eek?!" Miko yelped as her cheeks blushed, "I mean....I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Not yet. But maybe in the future."

Taz giggles while Maki pats her shoulder, "Oh come on. Once you do that, Kisho will confess back." Maki grins. Miko looks hesitant. "Okay. I think I might once I get better." Miko smiles a bit, pulling a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Hey, no pressure!" Maki smiles. Then the group hears the commotion outside. Miko had to look outside her window to see Kisho and others running for their lives.

"What's going-"

"MEGUMI! PLEASEEE! IT WASN'T THAT BAD!" Daichi/Kisho yelled as Yuji, Nobara, and Yuria kept on running for their lives.

"YOU ALMOST GOT THE SCHOOL IN TROUBLE WITH UA!" Megumi shouted. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" "THAT MISSION WASN'T BAD!!! ARE YOU THAT UPSET ABOUT THE ROOMBA?!" "NO! IT'S THE FACT YOU WENT ON TV LAST NIGHT IN A HIGH-SPEED CHASE!"

Miko sweatdropped while Taz became dumbfounded.

"Looks like the mission they were on got them in trouble again. Kisho most likely. " Panda said. Toge nods, "Salmon...."

"Wow. Megumi is really upset! I'm going to ask Kisho for those Roombas though! They seem like a great idea!" Maki snickering. Eito chirps.

"KISHO! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!" "NOOOOO!"

Miko chuckles getting everyone to look at the girl. She laughs more louder than ever. Taz smiles, seeing Miko happy again. Seems things are returning to normal at least.

What's next for the students? To be continued...

#ic #thesilverpeahenresidence ( the cursed one yet kind soul yuji itadori )#thesilverpeahenresidence ( the witch with the hammer and nails nobara kugisaki )#thesilverpeahenresidence ( the sorcerer of ten shadows megumi fushigoro )#thesilverpeahenresidence ( the king of curses sukuna ryomen )#thesilverpeahenresidence #The Misadventures of Phoenix and Shadow Chimera Sorcerer Part 22: Crazy Mission Story Meeting #The Misadventures of Phoenix and Shadow Chimera Sorcerer #thesilverpeahenresidence ( the blonde gunner sorcerer - yuria niguredou )#thesilverpeahenresidence ( the one who sees them - the badger - miko yotsuya )#drabble #drabble time

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senstless · 9 months

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Splinterlands Highlights - Share Your Journey - Featuring @senstless

Splinterlands Social Media Challenge - Theme: Share Your Journey!

Discovery of Splinterlands:

I'm not exactly sure how I discovered splinter lands, I'm pretty sure it's from a fellow member of the silver gold stackers community who told me I should check out the game and it seemed like something that might enjoy. I have never played a trading card game before and I was intimidated before getting in. I was immediately frustrated and hooked at the same time. Trying to understand all of the rules attack orders and abilities was overwhelming at first but was something that has been the joy to learn.

Duration of Participation:

I joined splinterlands at the end of alpha and start of beta. While I have not been around since the very beginning, I have certainly been around for a very long time and have seen tremendous changes in both gameplay, the community, and the ideas put out forth by the team and the future state.

I have been around for what feels like forever and have seen and have participated in a game of many aspects.

I started a brand new account called senstlessmonster where I blogged about starting a account with just the $10 play pass and did nothing but cell reward cards to grow the account. I was able to grow that account to Silver before I called it quits and felt that that was about as far as one could grow just based on earnings before it became simply too large of a task to upgrade cards to diamond.

I also went through a phase where I didn't sell any cards I acquired and instead spent every spare time I had a new cards and grew the number of counts I was playing. This was back before bots were around and I was manually playing senstless, senstlessmonster, initech and bill-lumbergh. This would require me to be playing two at the same time and two different browsers, and sometimes a third and a second computer to try to get in all my daily quests and when those chests. This causes of strife as I was probably spending too much time playing the game an acquiring cards versus spending time with my family and focusing on other activities. I eventually had to take a step back and reassess how much time I was spending playing each day and every prioritize.

Time Spent in Splinterlands:

I try to get my matches in first thing in the morning as I drink my first cup of freshly ground coffee. Between the time it takes to percolate in my cup, cool down and drink it I can usually get enough matches in to hit my target chests for the day. Plain and bronze I Target 11:00 for the simple fact that then I can push button to reveal all. Once I get up high enough I feel that my earnings are pretty good and it usually takes me enough games to win I have 11 chests, my recovery rate somewhere down in the i-20s to mid-30s.

I also participate in brawls but honestly they don't take that much time fill in. I feel like it's significantly improved over the years for matchmaking and it never takes too long to find an opponent and to get a match as where I used to spend forever just waiting to find someone. This is great especially considering I only play in modern where there should be no bots and that means that there's that many regular people playing

Accomplishments:

Having been around for so long I've had a bunch of different accomplishments over that time. I've placed very well in some gold foil tournaments back when I was building one of those collections, I grew my collections to what I considered to be a significant value worth over $5,000 before the release of SPS. Unfortunately for me due to some life circumstances I had to sell out of my collection mere month before the explosion and value happened and I lost out of a significant gain in both value and earnings. Of course hindsight is always 20/20 but there was no way at the time to know that I should have sourced the refrigerator we needed from different funds, or just bridge the gap until the price is magically exploded up 40x.

I am proud to say that I decided to get back into the game with chaos. I was able to build a almost complete chaos legion deck, I believe the only thing I was missing is potentially not having all of the epics maxed for bronze. I think I chose to go with all of the epics at level one and focus on completeness.

Upcoming Goals:

I am now working my collection to be complete for a bronze level at rebellion as well, and continue to keep a complete runs account for the modern rule sets.

I am trying to learn all the new abilities and strategies. I'm having a lot of fun implementing them and winning. I'm also continuing to stack as much SPS as I can, and I'm happy that I just crossed the 13k threshold. Right now I'm a little lost with how land works since I don't have any and I don't think I'll have any intent to go out and buy some right now. I'm not sure if get into land or how I can find a way to participate

Advice for Beginners:

My advice for beginners is to watch to replace slowly, and a couple of times as you figure out how things work. The splinter lands help page has improved significantly from when I started and having all of the abilities and rule sets listed out now helps clear up any confusion that you might have around why cards attack, how they attack, and potential ideas on how to counter.

~~@senstless

#splinterlands #play2earn #playtoearn #nft #gaming

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vourstellungphan · 3 years

Note

Can you do weeping clown x female s/o headcanons

TW: Clown, Hunter identity mentioned, Violence, Scars, Tad bit of unhinged mindset

Sure, why not? Sorry for the long wait. I got to handle some problems in the real life, so I kinda procrastinating this piece.

weeping clown x female s/o headcanons

So, the sad dude aye. The weeping clown - the survivor identity of Smiley Face - a fearsome hunter in the manor, who would ever guess that he would arrive so late after the clown hunter?

Before jumping right into the part, I would want to share a piece of my mind about the Weeping Clown.

It is confirmed that Joker is depicted as 35 as a Hunter while he is depicted in his 20s as a Survivor, so I think that the Weeping Clown is the past self of the Smiley Face. And according to the wiki, the weeping clown has a crush on the animal tamer - Natalie, which is now the dancer - Zelle, he even has a ribbon tied around his waist - a gift from the dancer while they were in the circus.

Born with a sullen face and a deformed right leg, Joker growing up to be a money tree in the circus by limping around the stage with ridiculous expressions to get the laugh from the audience. This man knows how to release his emotions, and with inherent kindness and good endurance (Character traits), Joker sure knows how to capture a heart. But, is he really a good-natured guy, or it’s just a mask he put on?

“Perhaps Joker couldn't even figure out whether putting on the clown makeup and performing went against his personality, or it was, an emotional release from the bottom of his heart.

Just like how he seemed to respawn when he put on the smiling mask which he made by hand. However, he still couldn't tell whether this mask belonged to the weeping clown, Joker, or the smiling clown, Sergi.”

- Character Introduction -

Maybe Joker is a good guy, but just like every person in the earth - even the worm will turn, after the fateful accident which has ruined his face and his career, the sad clown decided to (well, this is just my theory) burn down the place and stole the “Smiley Clown”‘s identity and maybe, even peeling off the dead man’s face. Maybe humilating himself for so long in the circus really took a toll on his mind, and just like a ticking bomb waiting to explode, Joker finally snapped when the accident happened. After successfully removing Sergi’s existence (and stole his identity) and burning down the circus, Joker, with a love that is not reciprocated, went to the manor and began his new life.

I recommend you guys focus more on the lore of this game, gosh it’s sick af.

Now. let’s get to the lovey dovey part.

It may takes a while to get this man whipped for his S/O, since the animal tamer’s rejection has really impact him. After the accident, Joker now doesn’t trust anyone easily, espically towards pretty faces. Just be patient and show him the kindness that he deserves, the man will become a puddle in your arms.

Joker is super doting towards his lover. His mistress would never be mistreated, and if anyone dare to ever lay a hand on her, he’s going to “talk” with that person. He doesn’t have a hunter identity for no reason.

Expecting lots of cute dates. Since he's good at modification and his hobbie is making mask, I personally think that he'll enjoy indoor dates. A perfect date for him would be when both of them doing or learning how to do something together like pottery, ya know, workshop dates. In general, I think that he loves every moments with his mistress, and will seize every opportunity to make her smile.

Always put fresh-picked flowers in front of her door in the mornings. Those flower would be tied nicely with a pink or red ribbon, and S/O would definitely knows.

Cheek kisses, hands holding and let S/O rest on him are his way to go when he and his lover are in public. The weeping clown is not that fond of PDA and would like to preserve the romantic actions behind the bedroom's door.

His love languages would be acts of service and giving gifts. Rushing to the infirmary after the match to check on S/O, taking care of her when she's busy/upset and of course, fixing up her tools after matches. Joker will aso gives his S/O cute stuff like a plushie, or a really pretty snowglobe.

Expected a lot of supportive acts during matches. Joker will not be hestiant to use his rockets to help his love in the middle of her kiting session. He may even take over her kite if needed.

Bodyblock. Lots of bodyblocks. While Joker knows that theoretically, he's not the best rescuer out there, this man will likely to take the saving into his own hands. He doesn't really trust the other when it comes to his dearest. If the next chair is her last, than Joker would do anything to keep her safe, force healing is a common stategy. The weeping clown is willing to sacrifice himself for her safety.

While the weeping clown knows that she can handle herself, Joker still scared that she would be hurted without him by her side, so most of the time he would try to convince her let he go with her or let him do the work. You could say that he's a bit paranoid and clingy. Good luck get this man out of the hip.

Now, while I do believe that innocent, normal love can happen at this place, I don’t think that a relationship with this guy would be a perfectly healthy one. The weeping clown is sure a loyal, nice partner, but he sometimes get jealous too easily. He’s insecure about himself, his mood being sour is a common sight. His S/O has to reassure him a lot, and of course, has to prove their love for him often, especially if she has spent some time with the other good-looking funny guys, like Mike for instance. But I guess if she love him enough, than anything is acceptable aye.

S/O should really have words of affirmation and quality as her love languages, cause this man is sure a touch-starved one. The effect of those time back on the stage really makes him doubt himself. S/O always tell him “I love you” before matches as a way to encourage him, and Joker loves that. The weeping clown finds a smile creeping on his face whenever she say the L-word.

Even tho Joker has the "All-thumb" trait, I do believe that he's quite dexterous when it comes to repairing and modification. He would craft stuffs and gives it to S/O with a shy facade, in fact, most of the presents he got for his lover are handmade, and she loves it. S/O treasured them so much that if one broke or go missing, she'll freaked out. He's also pretty good at patching up S/O's wounds, and will always kiss them scars better.

(Bonus): Joker doesn’t like athletic people, but if S/O is one, maybe she can change his pov’s a lil bit.

Overall, this relationship could work out, I guess.

#identity v x reader #identity v #identity v headcanons #idv x reader #joker x reader #weeping clown idv #weeping clown x reader

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queenshelby · 3 years

Text

Roommates – Part Three

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Words: 2,375

Warning: Smut

Note: This plays in 2020. Please interact. Your interactions and comments mean a lot to me.

It was seven o’clock in the morning and you were stretched out on your bed, your hands exploring your own soft skin while a vibrator pulsated inside of your wet centre. The cold morning air drew through the open window of your bedroom, preventing you from sweating as you pleasured yourself with your favourite toy.

This had become a common occurrence over the past four months. You were sex deprived and bored, spending your days and nights in lockdown.

Restrictions had recently been tightened and a curfew was imposed for the whole of Dublin as cases surged in the area.

The only reasons you were now allowed to leave your house were for exercising, medical appointments and grocery shopping.

If this wasn’t bad enough, your masturbating mind had been on your best friend and roommate Cillian for the past month which meant that, every time this vibrator was inside of you, you thought about him.

He had always been your shadow, or you were his, depending on what you were doing or who else you were with. You had a strong friendship and you never thought that you would ever be attracted to this man, not even when you both went into detail about having sex with whoever you happened to be dating.

You could hear that, in the room besides you, which was the downstairs bathroom, Cillian had just finished having a shower after his early morning run. His showers were always long, at least 15 minutes or so and the thought of him inside the steamy bathroom completely naked turned you on even more.

As usual, Cillian left the bathroom window open so that the steam from the shower could escape, but this didn’t bother you. You never thought that he could hear you from inside the hot and steamy bathroom but, clearly, you were wrong.

Just as Cillian stepped out of the shower and applied his face cream, he could hear a quiet buzzing sound from your room coupled with some soft whimpers and moans.

The sounds you were making caused Cillian to exhale sharply and it didn’t take long for him to notice his erection grow again even though he had just relieved himself in the shower.

‘Fuck’ he huffed out to himself before he slid off the towel and let it drop to the floor.

He knew exactly what you were doing and his mind immediately began to get creative.

As more moans left your lips, his hand worked its way slowly up and down his shaft, coating it with the precum that was leaking from him like a faucet.

A shallow grunt escaped his lips as he continued to listen to you while, at the same time, your free hand, the one not moving the vibrator in and out of your glistening pussy, moved from your nipple to your clit, making furious circles.

Cillian now even started to hear your breathing, becoming loud and laboured and his own hand quickened to meet your tempo.

Then, suddenly, you came and, with a writhing body, clenched tight around the vibrator as an almost gruntal moan fell from your lips. That was all Cillian needed to hear to cum himself.

After you turned off the vibrator and your breathing had come back to normal, you could hear him next door through the open window and the thin walls.

He was panting and, innocently, you thought that, clearly, he had the same idea as you, seeking release in the early hours of the morning.

Hearing him like this made you horny all over again and, whilst Cillian leaned against the vanity with his cock in his hand, pumping it towards his own orgasm, you listened in with delight.

As he drove himself closer and closer to the edge, Cillian was salivating at the thought of your hard nipples in his mouth. He wanted to nip at them, to tease you until you begged him to touch you, to taste you, to fuck you.

His hand was working with a mind of its own, his own brain completely overrun with pictures of you. It did a pretty good job of putting him in those pictures with you, too. Somewhere in the back of his head, he knew he should stop. But he was powerless to stop masturbating now.

Fantasising about you, he could almost believe that he was holding on to your curvaceous ass and plowing his straining cock into your wet slit over and over again. It was these thoughts exactly which, eventually, made him cum hard.

With a loud groan, he exploded and his cum shot onto the tiled floor in several spurts until he massaged the last of it out of his cockhead and onto his thighs.

God, this man sounded delightful when he orgasms and you could just picture the mess he made in the bathroom which, ironically, turned you on even more.

***

It wasn’t until twenty minutes later that you saw Cillian in the kitchen, making coffee and, when you approached him, you couldn’t help but feel embarrassed about having heard him masturbate.

Little did you know, that Cillian felt exactly the same and none of his acting skills were able to hide his flushed cheeks.

Fortunately for you, the awkwardness between you ended rather abruptly when your sister called to enquire how you were and you spent at least twenty minutes on the phone with her.

After your telephone conversation with your sister, Cillian and you spent the day as usual. You took his dog for walk together, played computer games together and cooked together.

‘We are like an old couple which doesn’t leave the house and sleeps in separate bedrooms’ you joked as lockdown life with Cillian felt exactly like that.

But, the truth was that, there was no person you would rather have been in lockdown with other than Cillian as, most days, you made this situation as much fun as you possibly could.

Luckily, you both were fascinated by literature and Cillian would frequently read to you while you both sat on the lounge and drank some wine.

Other nights, you watched movies while you had some pizza and beers. Then, a couple of nights per week, you would even get out the boardgames. Although, you struggled beating Cillian at Scrabble. He had a large vocabulary of words no one ever heard of and you constantly accused him of making them up until Google proved you otherwise.

When you were tipsy, you would even get out the Twister board which, clearly, was a game in which you had an advantage after having been doing Yoga for 20 years.

***

But, tonight, wasn’t such a night and you were almost perfectly sober when Cillian returned from the basement, which was a room of the house you no longer decided to visit after last weeks’ incident.

As Cillian walked into living room, he found you sprawled on the couch in the near dark with only the flickering light of the TV illuminating the room.

‘Common, your favourite show is on’ you joked and with Cillian’s dog taking up one entire lounge, there were no other places for Cillian to sit but next to you.

To your surprise, he pressed himself as deep into the corner of the couch as he could, but of course your smooth, lean legs still stretched across his lap as usual.

You had your suspicions about what he was doing in the basement and, sure enough, you weren’t wrong.

Even through the thick denim on his legs, the warmth of your body pressed against his was enough to revive his aching manhood once again, and despite how vividly he imagined oozing surgical wounds, it would not abate and he hoped desperately that you wouldn’t notice.

As you were too focused on the show, Cillian tried to shift your legs towards his knees and as far away from his crotch as possible without knocking you off of his lap altogether, but you mistook his touch for something else.

‘It still hurts you know?’ you chuckled innocently as you thought that Cillian was offering you a massage.

Whilst this might sound odd to some, it wasn’t for you and Cillian and, after you had just moved into his house, he had given you a few innocent massages after you hurt your foot and leg with some of the moving boxes and weren’t able to see your physio due to the restrictions.

Knowing that it was a massage that you were after, Cillian sat there, frozen, not knowing what to do. His mind had not been working the same over the past few weeks when it came to being around you and this was a problem. Him touching you was no longer innocent in his own mind.

But, you snapped his attention back by drubbing your legs against his, bringing them precariously close to his ever-growing erection. He looked down at your tan limbs and was mortified to realise that he had misbuttoned his jeans in the basement, leaving an ample window to his brief-clad erection.

Cillian knew that he had to act fast to prevent you from looking at him too closely and, luckily, the room was pretty dark.

Without words, Cillian grabbed your leg and started massaging, kneading and stroking the lean muscles of your calf. Your skin felt like silk. Had it always been so soft? So smooth? Cillian asked himself for the millionth time that night how he hadn't noticed these things before.

‘Oh god so much better’ you eventually huffed out but you couldn’t help but feel a little tingling sensation build up in between your legs.

Whilst you enjoyed Cillian’s touch, even more than you used to, you thought about pulling away from his warm and masculine hands when you noticed that your panties were getting rather moist.

This never happened to you before when Cillian touched you and, whilst you felt somewhat embarrassed, you realised that there was no way for him to notice your arousal.

As such, you chose to make the most of it and sighed contentedly before scooting further down the couch to allow him access to more skin. As you did, your tank top caught against the cushion underneath you and pulled up, exposing your flat stomach all the way to just under where there should be a bra.

Was there a bra? he couldn't tell without staring even more desperately than he had already. Swallowing hard, Cillian forced his gaze away from the tempting skin and cotton-covered mounds beyond. Instead of moving upwards, like he desperately wanted to, he shifted his hands and attention to your bare and perfectly pedicured feet.

Just as Cillian began to massage your aching foot gently, the show you were watching finished and you handed him the remote control and asked him to pick something else.

He thought about the least sexiest thing to watch and somehow ended up on The Simpsons in the hope that this would bring down his raging erection which he, by now, thought he would need to live with for the rest of the pandemic.

‘Cartoons? That's what you're in the mood for?’ you giggled as your feet kneaded his legs inadvertently, your toes dangerously close to the gaping hole in Cillian’s jeans. You always had fidgety legs and certainly didn’t notice what you were doing.

By this point, Cillian thought he was going to pass out. He closed his eyes and leaned back before resuming to massage your foot again.

‘Anything mindless will be grand’ he huffed out, trying to picture his mother in a swimsuit.

‘Mm-hm. Whatever you want, just keep up with the magic fingers’ you chuckled but all Cillian heard in his mind was, 'keep touching and do whatever you want to me'. Good god, how was he going to get through much more of this he wondered?

‘Mmm...that's really nice, Cilly. Go higher’ you said as the pain shifted to your lower calf and your mind was in a trance.

Cillian was struggling to take any more of this and your suggestive language didn’t help to bring down his hard cock. He was trying to keep his hands as far in the safe-zone as possible, but he couldn't stop his hands from moving back up your calves.

The large flat-screen in front of you both was flickering and after Cillian handed the control back to you, you had found something to watch, but despite staring right at it, Cillian couldn't have told you what was on the screen.

He was surprised when he realised that his hands were working the backs of your knee. Usually, you were ferociously ticklish, yet you hadn't said a word.

Cillian’s eyes roved over your long legs, across the plateau of your flat stomach, and stopped at the hills of your full breasts. You weren’t wearing a bra; he could clearly see your nipples and nipple piercings distending the thin cotton of your tank.

Unbeknownst to Cillian, you certainly didn't mind how he was touching you and desperately wanted his hands to wander even further up your legs. Your pussy was throbbing by that point.

Then, finally, when Cillian’s hands slowly moved to the zone just above your knee; you inhaled sharply. Good god, you wanted him right then and there and little did you know that Cillian wanted you just as much.

Then, all of a sudden, a sense of self-control overcame him. Or was it the fact that his raging erection had become painful, straining against the fabric? He needed to adjust his throbbing cock like he never had before and, unable to take anymore of this, he let go of your legs.

‘Does it feel better now?’ he asked, causing you to swallow harshly.

‘Yes, thank you’ you smiled, pressing your legs together to calm down your own arousal.

‘Good, because I think I am ready for bed’ Cillian then chuckled before quickly getting up and distracting you by asking you whether it was alright with you if Lindsay came over tomorrow night now that some of the restrictions were scheduled to be eased in the morning.

‘Of course’ you said somewhat disappointed before wishing Cillian a good night.

Tag List:

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@peaky-cillian

@severewobblerlightdragon @ysmmsy

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@l0tsofpennies @trolleydolly @avonlady1985 @chrisevanshoeee @daydreamingnymph @fookingshelby @thenattitude

#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #Cillian Murphy x Reader #cillian murphy imagine

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oblxvion · 4 years

Text

euphoric | eren jaeger (1)

-> pairing: eren jaeger x f!reader

-> wc: 5.4k

-> warnings: use of marijuana, smut, praise kink, degradation kink, spit kink, oral (f and m receiving), fluff

you were stressed. it was almost the end of the term, and you had spent the past two weeks studying and prepping for your exams because you needed those grades. you had been slipping a lot in your classes but you managed to bring your grades up with the help of your good friend armin. he was extremely smart and honestly, without him, you didn't even want to think about what your grades would be.

“ugh, sasha, i can’t study any more.” you groaned, bringing you head down to into the vast sea of review that you had been going over as per armin’s request. “i need a break, i feel like my brain is going to fucking explode.”

sasha looked over up from her phone and laughed. “it’s gonna be worth it, i promise. once you finish these exams, you’ll be able to relax for a bit. do you wanna smoke later ‘cause we’re all getting together later at eren’s, i forgot to tell you.”

you hadn’t checked your phone in the past few hours so you didn't know that there were plans that had been made.

you didn’t move your head as you contemplated the thought, it sounded like fun to see everyone and ignore the work you had for at least a bit. exams weren’t for another week and a half, so you should be fine.

“yeah, i'll come.”

“yay! i’ll text the group chat and let them know that we’re gonna leave at around 6.” she squeals as she grabs her phone and starts typing away a text that you soon receive as well.

“ok, i need to nap first. plus it’s like 4 so i’m gonna pass out for a bit.” you got up from the kitchen table and made your way over to your bedroom, beginning to get comfortable. “wake me up at 5.” you yelled so she could hear from her room.

“you got it.” sasha yelled back. you could tell that she said that with food in her mouth.

“typical.” you chuckled as you felt your body drift off to sleep.

“y/n! hey! wake up! it’s 5:30. i lost track of the time.” sasha tried to shake you awake in which you grumbled in response.

“ugh, ur so timely.” you joked as you made your way out of your room, and into the shared bathroom. wow i look like shit you thought to yourself as you turned from side to side trying to see all of what you looked like in your oversized sweatshirt and shorts.

there was not enough time for you to get ready to look at least presentable, but you felt gross so you turned on the shower and threw your clothes into your hamper. you put on some music because who showers without music and you made sure to shave because it had been awhile since you had and you wanted to feel clean.

once you had finished, you grabbed a towel and checked the time on your phone. 5:40. perfect.

“y/n, we have like 20 minutes,” sasha called from her room. “do you think you can be ready by then?”

“yeah, i just need to dry my hair and throw on some clothes and i should be good.” you said as you walked into her room, she was pretty much ready to go, and dressed in shorts and a baggy t-shirt. no one really dressed up for these sessions because everyone was already super comfortable with each other.

“ok i’m gonna go change, i don't know if i’ll have enough time to dry my hair though.”

“you’ll be fine. plus, we can be a bit late, they wouldn’t start without us anyways.” she says with a smile as she puts on a sweatshirt.

you made your way back to your room and threw on a pair of sweatpants, a loose fitting tank top and your favorite pullover. as you made your way back to the bathroom to dry your hair, you found yourself stressing once again about your exams to which you took a deep breathe and reminded yourself that you needed to relax and this was a well deserved break.

after you finished drying your hair, you quickly ran a brush through it, and put on some deodorant along with your favorite perfume.

“ok sash, i’m ready.” you called from the bathroom as you fixed your appearance for the last time.

“perfect! i ordered us an uber because i don’t really wanna drive and i know you don't like driving high.” she says as she grabs the last of her things and we make our way out the door and to the bottom of our apartment complex.

“soooo...”

you look at her as the uber pulls over to the side of the road. “so what?”

“have u been seeing anyone recently?” sasha looks over to you as she gets into the uber after you.

“how could i? i’ve literally been studying nonstop. i wish though.” you say with a sigh. you had been so preoccupied with studying and getting your grades up that you haven’t had the time to see anyone except friends. “why do you ask?”

“oh, it’s nothing really. i was just curious, you know, being your roommate and all.” somethings up, she’s clearly trying to pick at something and this does not go unnoticed by you.

“ok,” you laughed and shook your head. “whatever you say.”

before you knew it, you both arrived at eren’s apartment complex. for some reason, you felt anxious. you knew the boys that were going to be there but you had this gut feeling that something was going to happen.

the two of you made your way up to his floor and knocked on his door which was opened almost instantly as if he were waiting.

“sasha!” connie exclaimed, embracing the girl into a bear hug. “hey y/n.”

“hey connie.” you smiled in response. it was really cute how the two of them were so close, it’s almost like they were twins. you made your way into the apartment and saw jean and eren, arguing over god knows what.

“hey guys!” you say as you walked over to the two of them, hugging them both.

“y/n! it’s been a while. how’s studying with armin?” jean asks as he pulls away from the hug.

“god. don't even get me started. i am in hell. armin’s being so helpful though.” you chuckle as you walked over to eren, who was looking at something on his phone but quickly shoved it away when he saw you coming towards him.

“hey y/n.” he says with his boyish smile as he pulls you into a side hug and you notice that his hand lingers for a bit longer than normal but you smile in response.

“so, can we smoke now that they’re finally here?” connie asks as it was very clear that he was getting impatient.

“yeah, yeah, let’s go to the deck.” eren’s apartment had a deck with was extremely nice and over time, it had become the signature smoke spot for you guys. it had an outdoor couch and a few chairs along with a small table which was perfect.

you made your way to your favorite spot which was the right corner of the couch so you could be close to the edge of the balcony and look out at the view of the city. everyone had their signature spots, it was like an unspoken rule but everyone followed it. eren next to you on the couch, sasha, jean and connie in the three chairs on the opposite side of the table.

there were some blankets already outside along with a speaker that eren played some music on to set the vibe.

“since you guys were taking too long, i rolled us a joint so we could smoke sooner.” eren said as he sat down next to you.

“aw, how kind.” you tease him as you nudge yourself against his shoulder, earning a chuckle from him. “dibs on first hit.”

“aw, c’mon!” jean whined, knowing that you always give the blunt to eren right after you hit.

“i get priority since eren is my best friend.” you smirk and wait for eren to say anything but he just laughs and shakes his head.

you and eren had always been close ever since you started school. he even introduced you to everyone, which was the reason why you were here with them now.

eren took out his lighter and lit the joint and passed it to you. you took it between your pointer finger and thumb and took a long drag.

oh how you had missed this feeling. the feeling of being high with your friends. you passed the blunt back to eren as he took a hit himself and you exhaled the smoke.

the joint was passed around the circle until everyone had gotten a good amount of hits and it was finished. you felt your high and you leaned back into the couch as you closed your eyes.

“tired?”

you opened your eyes and looked over to eren who’s eyes were red, just like yours. “no, just relaxing. this is nice. i needed this.”

“yeah, i noticed. armin told me that you’d been really stressed lately so i texted asking if people wanted to smoke but you didn't respond so i assumed you were studying,” he says as he stretched his arms and placed them just behind your shoulders.

“thanks,” you laughed as you stared into his turquoise eyes only now noticing how pretty they were. you had looked him in the eyes before but this time it felt different and he felt it too. but your staring was soon broken by sasha’s wails of being hungry.

“there’s food in the fridge, i had takeout last night so there’s probably some leftovers.” eren nods his head towards the inside of his apartment. sasha stood up and made her way towards the food as connie followed her.

“hey! save some for me!” he yelled as he chased after her. all that was left was you, eren and jean. there was clearly some tension in the air but you decided to ignore it.

“ain’t no way i’m gonna be third wheeling right now.” jean huffed quietly and joined the two inside.

third wheeling? you ignored it because jean obviously knows that you and eren are close friends, nothing more.

oh, how you were wrong.

eren looked over to make sure that there was no way for the others to see the deck and he moved his arm down towards your shoulder. you were shocked by this, but in a way, it was comforting.

“y/n?” he asked staring off into the distance.

“hm?”

he didn't respond so you took it upon yourself to look up at him.

“what’s up?”

no response once again.

your lidded eyes becoming heavy as he looked down at you with a tender look on his face. he leaned his face closer to yours until your noses were touching.

“eren?”

his lips connected with yours, igniting a feeling inside your chest that you had pushed away when you first became close. you melted into the kiss and kissed him back in a slow and sensual kiss. eren pulled back and tucked your hair behind your ear as he went back in for another kiss. you didn’t know what to do but the feeling that this gave you, it wasn’t like any other kiss you had before.

“wanted to do this for a long time.” he whispers and rests his nose on yours.

you didn’t know what to say in response so you pulled him back for another kiss that was interrupted by the three of them coming back out onto the deck. you pulled away quickly, hoping that no one had seen what just happened. eren kept his hand on your shoulder, but no one had asked about it so you just let it slide.

it had been a few days since you had last seen eren. everyone was texting in the group chat about plans for the upcoming days but you had to study, or at least try to study. the kiss that you and eren shared had been replaying in your head ever since it had happened. you knew that he was high and he may not remember it, but it still bugged you and you had to know.

but most importantly, this kiss had sparked feelings inside you that you had pushed away so long ago and it was beginning to get hard to consume them. eren was constantly on your mind, and you couldn’t focus on your work.

you needed to talk to him but you didn't know how because you didn't know that he had these feelings for you and you didn't know that you still had those feelings for him. you realized that you were ignoring these feelings that you had for him because he was your close friend and you didn’t want that to ruin your relationship.

it was driving you crazy. you needed to talk to him.

you grabbed your phone and clicked on eren’s contact and called him. it didn’t even finish the first ring.

“hey y/n! what’s up? how’s studying?” he said and you felt your heart swell at him saying your name, which never happened before until now.

“hey, can you come over later? i need to talk to you,” you sigh. this is it, you need to know if he truly had those feelings or he was just playing with you.

“yeah, of course,” he stammered. “is everything ok?”

“yeah, everything's fine, i just wanna talk to you.”

“ok, i can get a ride now if you want me to.” is he eager?

you looked at the time and remembered that sasha was out with connie and jean so she would probably not be coming back tonight.

“actually, yeah, that sounds fine. see you soon, eren.”

“ok, i’ll text you when i’m close.”

“ok,” you ended the call and placed your phone down, taking your head in your hands. you’re overreacting right? he definitely feels for you, why else would he kiss you?

“i need to shower.” you said to yourself, trying to ignore the thoughts in your head.

as you got out of the shower, you heard your phone get a text, which you assumed to be eren. walking back to your room, you heard a knock at the door and you froze. you were still in a towel and debating whether or not you should open the door for him, which you did because you didn't want to leave him standing out there.

“hey y/n, oh,” he stops and looks you up and down.

“sorry, i just got out of the shower.” you say as you open the door and motion for him to come inside. “can you just wait a sec while i go put some clothes on?”

“oh, uh, yeah. i’ll wait in the kitchen.” he looks around and scratches the back of his head nervously. his hair was tied back into a messy bun like usual and wearing gray sweatpants with a black shirt and his chain peeking out from under it. “you good?” he asked as he took off his shoes.

oh my god, was i staring?

“oh, yeah, i'm fine. i just spaced out a bit, sorry.” you chuckle nervously, tucking a piece of your wet hair behind your ear. “i’ll be right back.”

“take your time.”

you made your way back to your room and threw hung your town on your closet door as you looked for clothes to wear. you opted for a pair of pajama shorts and an oversized t-shirt that was sasha’s but for some reason, it was in your closet. once you had finished changing, you made your way over to the mirror that was across for your bed to make sure that you looked fine.

“ok, breathe.” you exhaled and opened your door calling for eren to come into your room.

he came into your room, still clearly feeling awkward about your interaction from before. “nice room, i like the led lights you have.”

“thanks,” you laughed and sat on the bed, motioning for him to come sit next to you, which he did.

“so, what's on your mind y/n?” he asks, leaning up against the headboard and trying to get comfortable.

“i don’t know, i've just been thinking about some things recently, and i can't seem to get them out of my head.” ok, good start.

“like what?” he looks over at you. oh no, don't look at me like that.

“the kiss we shared a few days ago, it’s been in my head on repeat.”

eren looks confused and looks towards your mirror, “is that a bad thing?”

“huh? i mean no, it’s not, i just don’t know what to do because these feelings have come back that i pushed away from when we became close because i didn’t want to ruin our friendship. but right now, it’s consuming me and i don’t know what to do.”

“well, i wouldn’t have kissed you without having feelings for you, y/n. i don’t know how you didn't notice it. i’ve been kinda bad at hiding it.” he said calmly as his gaze remained in front of the two of you. “but if you didn’t like it, we can just forget about it. i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.” he turns to look at you once again.

“no, i enjoyed it actually, but...” you trail off nervously, feeling your face becoming hot. you tried to turn away but his hand grabbed your chin and turned you back to face him.

“but what?” he says softly, looking into your eyes which caused your heart beat to pick up. he thought it was so cute how you were getting so flustered by him.

“but i don’t want to be played...” you averted his gaze.

“y/n, i would never play you.”

you look back at him, now knowing the answer that had been bothering you for the past few days. it took all your strength to not kiss him right there but he beat you to it, closing the gap between the two of you. in that moment, all your worries had washed away, feeling content and glad that you had this conversation with him. the kiss soon escalated into you and eren sliding your tongues into the others mouth. you felt yourself getting hot once again but this time, a completely different reason. eren brought his hand that was on your chin behind your head, pulling you deeper into the kiss as you melted into his mouth once again, whimpering at the feeling. eren could feel it go straight to his dick that was now straining in his pants, trying to contain himself because he didn't know whether you wanted this or not.

“let me show you how much i care for you, yeah?” he says as he pulls away for a brief second.

“eren, please,” you whimper as his lips met yours once again but this time with more passion. eren then moved so he was on top of you, caging you in his arms as he continued to kiss you. “i want you.”

“’want you too, baby.” the pet name going straight to your core. eren moaned as he moved from your lips down to your neck, gently kissing and sucking to leave a mark. he then placed his hands at the bottom of your shirt, looking at you as if he was asking with his eyes for permission to undress you, you nodded your head vigorously and lifted your hands up so he could take it off.

“no bra? it’s like you’re begging me to fuck you, angel.” he then brought his lips down to your left nipple, gently sucking on it while taking the other between his fingers, moving it around earning a moan from you at the feeling. he then moved over to the right and did the same action. “you’re so beautiful.”

“ohmygod please, please,” you knew you sounded desperate, but you couldn't help yourself. you had been denying the fact that you had wanted this for so long.

“use your words, tell me what you want.” he groaned and came back up to kiss you, relishing in the feeling of your lips against his.

“’wanna feel you,”

“where, pretty girl?” he sat up at looked down at you with a smirk on his face, he knew where you wanted him but he wanted, no needed to hear you say it.

“’want you inside me eren, please,” you whined arching your back so he could get the message. he chuckled and brought himself back down towards your sternum, placing wet kisses as he made his way down to the waistband of your shorts.

“can i?” he looked up at you and immediately saw the approval in your eyes. “you don’t know what you do to me, do you?” you whimper at his remark, lifting your hips up in the process so he could take your shorts off easier to reveal your thong and the painfully obvious wet spot. he placed a finger on your slit, dragging it down slowly, teasing you.

“stop teasing me,” you whined, trying to prop yourself on your elbows but to caught up with the euphoric feeling that you couldn't. eren slowly took off your panties to tease you even more, and threw them behind him onto the floor.

“fuck, baby. this all for me?” he looked up at you with his jade green eyes meeting your e/c ones. he could feel the precum running down his shaft, struggling to keep his composure.

“yes eren, all for you.” your breath hitched as he spit onto your needy heat, bringing his tongue down to your clit, giving it a few kitten licks before he quickened his pace and wrapped his left arm around your leg to keep you in place, not once breaking eye contact. “fuck, keep doing that, holy shit!” you could feel him smirk against your core, and if it couldn't get any better, you felt a finger at your entrance before sliding in. “eren!” he felt so embarrassed to be rutting his cock against the bed but the noises you were making were sinful and he couldn’t help himself.

you began to feel your stomach tighten as he added another finger into your hole and picked up the pace. the sensation was incredible, the feeling of his tongue on your clit and the pace of his fingers going in and out of your pussy. your slick was dripping down his fingers, it was driving him crazy. he felt you tighten around his fingers, you were close.

“’gonna, ‘m gonna cum eren, please,” your release was so close, you just needed one more push.

“c’mon baby, cum for me.” he groaned against your pussy, sending vibrations throughout your whole body and you felt the coil snap. the moan you let out was pure sin and eren thought he was going to cum on the spot. “that’s it baby, good fucking girl.” as you got down from your high, you realized that he didn’t stop, you were sensitive, eren knew that but he needed one more from you.

“eren it’s too much, fuck,” you cry out as he brings his mouth back down to your heat and you can already feel yourself getting close again, and he could tell. you came even quicker this time, your juices gushing all over eren’s tongue. he lapped all of it up, not letting a single drop go to waste, and then taking his fingers covered in your slick into his mouth.

“you taste so good, i couldn’t get enough of you.” he whispers as he comes back up to kiss you. you could taste yourself on his lips and tongue. you reach down towards his throbbing cock, but he shook his head. “this is about you, baby.”

“please?” you look up at him and he couldn’t say no. he knew that he would not last long if you did as much as place your tongue on his tip. noticing that he didn't say anything, you took this as your chance. you flipped him over so that you were on top, and you could feel how hard he was. you grabbed the bottom of his shirt and helped him take it off, revealing his perfectly toned chest with chiseled abs. he threw the shirt to another place in the room, pulling you into another kiss shortly after. you moved from his lips down to his neck and down his chest stopping at his sweatpants to pull them down along with his boxers, revealing his swollen tip leaking with precum. he was larger than average and it excited you every bit. you smirked to yourself, and placed your lips on his tip, his breath hitched at the feeling.

you began to slowly drag your tongue down his shaft, maintaining eye contact with him, just like he did with you. you then took him in your mouth seeing how his legs tensed, you began to go even further.

eren was trying so hard not to grab your head and push you onto his dick, afraid that he was going to ruin the moment with you and be too aggressive. you then took your mouth off with saliva connecting from his tip to your lips and then went back down taking him all in your throat before bobbing your head up and down, coming up for air while jerking him off. the sounds he was making went straight to your warmth, making you wetter by the minute.

“keep doing that, fuck y/n,” he groaned as his will vanished and he took your hair in his hands beginning to help guide you on his dick. he ran his hand through his hair and looked back at you, knowing that this image will forever be imprinted in his head. his legs tensed and you felt it, he was close. “fuck, i’m gonna cum, i’m gonna fucking cum.” he groaned as he shot thick white ropes of cum down your throat, you gladly took all of it and opened your mouth to show him that you did.

“fuck, you did so good, so good.” he pulled you up towards him as you laughed into the kiss, and suddenly you were back on the bottom. “but now i’m gonna fuck this pretty little pussy, yeah?” he aligned himself with your entrance and your mind became fuzzy with the feeling of his tip right where you needed him most. he slowly pushes himself in but you didn’t need to adjust, and he began to move at a steady pace.

“oh fuck,” eren threw his head back at the sensation of finally being inside of you, the way your walls grazed his dick, pulling him back him. it was addictive, and he couldn’t get enough of it. “you feel so fucking good y/n.”

“fuckfuckfuck, ’m gonna cum eren.” the feeling came back embarrassingly quick but you didn’t care, the feeling was amazing.

“yeah? you’re gonna fucking cum? cum on my cock. cum on my fucking cock.” eren growled as his chain was in your face. hearing him be so demanding and aggressive set something off and you felt yourself release but this time it was different, arching your back at the feeling. eren was taken aback by the fact that he made you squirt, it was the hottest thing he had ever seen.

“that’s it, squirt all over my fucking cock.” he rode you out of your orgasm and continued to plow you into the mattress, picking up his pace. he was close but not quite there yet. you had taken into account that eren was aggressive in bed but he was being gentle with you at first, and you loved every bit of it. you wanted to make it more interesting. before you could even think, your hand met his cheek, and eren looked at you with a shocked expression but his eyes grew dark with lust.

“fuck me like you mean it, jaeger.” you growled, hoping to get a reaction out of him. and oh boy, did it get a reaction.

“yeah? fuck you like i mean it?” he slapped you across the face, and then grabbed your cheeks and spit into your mouth. “swallow it.” if you thought you couldn’t get turned on anymore, you were so wrong. you rutted your hips against his, moaning at the sensation. this side of you was so different, and eren fucking loved it. he grabbed your throat, squeezing it and making you look him in the eyes as he fucked you with force.

“look at you, never knew you could be such a slut.” the name made you clench around him like a vice, earning a groan from him. “taking my cock so fucking well.” the feeling of you tightening around his cock for the 2nd time that night was making him lose his mind, he wasn’t going to last any longer and he knew that you weren’t either. he brought his hand that was around your neck down to your neglected clit and began rubbing circles as his pace became erratic. he was so close and so were you, but he needed you to come with him, he had to feel that feeling again.

“fuck, i’m so close baby. fucking cum with me,” he moaned as he brought his head to your neck, you brought your arms and wrapped them around him, bringing him closer to you. before you could even comprehend, you released your juices, spraying all over his pelvis as he came shortly after you, painting your insides white. he stilled, trying to catch his breath but to his shock, you flipped him so that you were on top once again.

“not done yet.” you moaned as you began to grind yourself onto his cock. eren still so sensitive from his past orgasm that he was barely holding on by a string. seeing you on top of him, the way your breasts bounce and the way you look from this angle is driving him insane. he knows that he’s not going to last like this, the way you’re riding him, he grabs onto your hips and guides you.

you’re so overstimulated, you can’t even think straight. eren is trying so hard not to cum before you, but your pussy is milking him dry and before he knew it, he came inside you once again, legs shaking from the overstimulation. you lifted yourself off him and began to frantically rub your clit as you squirted all over his chest and pelvis. eren stared at you in awe, the way you looked like when you came and knowing that it was from him was a huge boost to his ego.

you finally collapsed onto his chest, trying to calm your breathing as he wrapped his arms around you. the both of you basked in this silence, thinking about the sex you just had.

“hope i wasn’t too rough, i kinda got carried away.” eren chuckled as he ran his fingers down your back, earning a laugh from you.

“no not at all, i really liked it actually.” you looked up at him, placing your chinos his chest.

“I'm glad, been wanting to do that for a while,” he paused, as if he was looking for the right words to say. “i really like you, y/n.”

your heartbeat quickened, and you gave him a quick peck on the lips. “i really like you too, eren.” you blushed, “stay the night.” you didn't have class the following morning, so it was fine.

“ok, will do.” he squeezed you tighter, and you utterly being exhausted, you felt yourself drift off to sleep. eren gently moved you over and walked into the bathroom, finding a small towel and cleaning you and himself up. he grabbed you a new pair of underwear from your closet and the his shirt on the floor, dressing you before he put his sweatpants back on.

you felt the bed dip and a pair of arms bring your back to his chest and press a kiss to your cheek.

“’night y/n.”

#attack on titan #aot #eren jeager #eren smut #eren jaeger x reader #eren jaeger smut #attack on titan smut #eren yaeger x y/n #eren #eren x y/n #shingeki no kyoujin x reader #snk anime #snk eren #eren x you #snk x reader #snk smut #shingeki no kyoujin imagine #shingeki no kyoujin #euphoric series

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batfamtv · 3 years

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me after writing smut: is this who i am? is this who i represent? lmao i've never written smut until trese, i guess the thirst was too much, let me know how y'all like it! thank you so much for all your support, ily <3

(ﾉ´ з `)ノ

kambal x reader; established relationship

gif by @rasputinaillyanna (see their original gifsets here!)

sfw

the three idiots

seriously, alexandra feels like she keeps aging 20+ years whenever you three are together and goofing around

this is one of the reasons why you’re not allowed on the field with them, they’d get absolutely nothing done

that, and the twins simply wont put you in danger under any circumstances

alexandra also treats you like a sister (in law) and wants you safe, but can only do so much to keep you out of their lives since you still find ways to help them out

absolutely rowdy when you’re with basilio, you and him practically have a lot of inside jokes and a secret language

people would give you both weird looks when you’re out in public, just because you’re both so damn loud

with crispin you’re more mature (but not a lot), he does these grand gestures like taking you out on expensive dates, takes instagram/pinterest style pics of you

basilio also takes pics of you, but those are some of the most unflattering ones that he sends to your groupchat as memes

the ppl who arent familiar with your relationship with the twins are almost often confused when they see you with just the one twin: they’d think “huh i saw this couple a week ago, but i could have sworn the boyfriend had much shorter hair, it couldn’t have grown that long in a week, right?”

when you do go out with the twins, they flank you and you almost get squished in between them, so sometimes you have to push them both to the sides so that you would have space to move around

the three of you like to just chill at the mall sometimes, go window shopping and then eat samgyup/mang inasal later on

other times when you manage to drag alexandra with you, people would assume that you guys are on a double date, and alexandra has the ugliest/most disgusted look on her face as she corrects them “these are my brothers” “im gay”

in your groupchat (just you and the twins) crispin is the sweet, doting one who would text you “have you eaten?” “want us to pick something up for you on the way home?” while basilio sends you memes and selfies of the twins

they send you videos and pics of pets they meet “today we met brownie and blackie”

with regards to living arrangements, the twins have separate rooms (basilio’s is the messy one, smells weird)

when you moved in, alexandra offered you your own room, and most of the time that’s where the boys stay anyway

the bed is much larger than theirs because it needs to accommodate all three of you

you three try to cook meals for ate alexandra, but it almost always turns out disastrous - mostly when basilio insists on helping

so you always make him run errands (“can you go pick up some more garlic and magic sarap”) while you and crispin man the stoves

you braid basilio’s hair while crispin tunes his guitar!!

and you spend a couple of hours listening to crispin play the guitar, basilio’s head now resting on your lap

crispin’s movie taste are like *film* and *poetic cinema* while basilio might enjoy movies that are so bad they’re good, but you three are all suckers for superhero ensemble movies and horror movies

the boys become really annoying when watching filipino horror movies because they like to point out mistakes in the film “aswangs dont do that” “why would you go there all alone are you stupid???”

“please boys i just wanna watch the movie”

a huge cuddle pile

both boys run hot, so during cold nights (that never happen, bc you live in the philippines) you’re all warm and toasty between them

both light sleepers! they were pretty heavy sleepers when they were kids/teenagers, but the occupational hazard of their jobs require them to be ready at a moment’s notice

they still, however, snore quite loudly

crispin doesn’t ever tend to move positions when sleeping, he wakes up in the same position he fell asleep in

basilio rotates around the bed like hands of a clock

most often falls off the bed, but clumsily climbs back up and cuddles you

really really simpy when it comes to you, though most of the time it’s just you three sharing one brain cell (it’s with you, mostly), they can be quite romantic and cheesy if they want to

crispin probably has his brother as just “Basilio” on his phone, and “Y/N ❤️" for you

basilio has “my love ❤️😍😘💘 ” for you and crispin’s number isn’t even registered lol

nsfw under the cut

nsfw

threesome? threesome

boys barely do anything separately and usually just have a Single Thought in both their heads, so if one is horny, the other one is 69% (lol) horny as well

you realize that crispin doesn’t like to be teased at work, but basilio enjoys it so much

you find this out when you’re alone and horny, so you send a pic of you touching yourself to the boys in your groupchat

crispin sees it first, but doesn’t say anything?? he honest to god just left you on read

meanwhile basilio also sees your pic not too long after and you quickly get a “what the fuck” as a reply from him

like 10 mins later he sends you a pic of him in what looks like a washroom and his cock is straining in his pants

he texts you “had to find a washroom so fucking fast so that ate alex and the police captain doesn’t see me so fucking hard in my pants” and “wanna eat you pussy babe”

crispin does text you when the three are on their way home, not mentioning the picture you sent “we’re on our way home”

and at first you thought he is mad at you bc he didn’t bring the nude up?? does he not want you anymore :(

but the moment they arrive crispin all but sprints to your shared bedroom and sees you there, in your underwear

holds your cheeks in one hand, “what the fuck was that baby, hmm? what did you send us?”

you try to ask if he’s mad bc you sent him a nude, ask him if there’s anything wrong, but he just lets your face go as he takes his suit off, basilio finds his way to your room, locks it, and gives you a kiss

basilio whispers “missed you baby” against your mouth before moving away to undress

crispin, now fully naked in front of you, makes you suck his cock, which is hard and twitching, its tip leaking with precum, he makes you place both his hands on your head, “do you know how surprised i was when i saw a text from you and it’s a picture of you touching your cunt? hmm?” he sighs as he sees you looking up at him, eyes watering as you struggle to take all of his cock down your throat “i had to stop myself from getting hard in front of everyone, baby, basilio couldn’t even do that”

basilio huffs but the boys reposition you so you’re in bed and on your back, crispin kneeling to your side, his cock still throbbing in your mouth, basilio positions himself between your thighs, moaning when he sees how wet you are

basilio removes your panties before rushing to sniff your cunt, groaning in delight--you’re sure his eyes roll to the back of his head before he dives into your cunt

you moan into crispin’s cock and he grunts, shoving more of his cock into your mouth, now moving faster, “i really wanna cum down your throat baby, would you let me?”

you nod and he pushes his cock all the way into your mouth, your nose practically touching his groin and pubes

you gag, for a moment panicked as you try to breathe in, while crispin just eyes you, his cock growing ever harder when he looks at your face wet with tears and drool, he grabs your hair, softly at first, to make sure you’re okay, and when you nod crispin groans as he sets up his pace, groaning as he feels his orgasm building

basilio, meanwhile, is licking and sucking your clit with three fingers knuckles deep in your cunt, and when he starts to feel you spasming, a telltale sign that your orgasm is approaching, he pulls his mouth and fingers out and quickly replacing them with his fat cock

immediately, you and basilio both groan, your eyes roll to the back of your head as you feel yourself so full of cock

basilio curses under his breath before taking your legs and resting them against his shoulders “fuck, y/n, im sorry i’m not gonna last long” “your pussy got me so fucking hard you tasted so good baby, you know how much i love your little pussy, right?”

crispin groans at this before he pulls his cock out of your mouth, leaning down to kiss you, he then moves down your neck and your tits, making sure he marks your chest

basilio whimpers and thrusts three more times before releasing a long groan, his cum exploding deep in your pussy “fuck baby you feel so good” he manages to pull out and you see his cock wet with his cum and your juices before settling beside you, panting harshly

you barely had the type to recuperate before crispin flips you on your stomach, making sure your face is resting on the pillows before he thrusts into you with a grunt

“fuck, still a tight little pussy after basilio rammed your cunt, huh?”

your eyes rolling, you couldnt do much other than hold onto the sheets and basilio’s hand, moaning loudly when you feel crispin’s fingers on your clit

“can you take one more, y/n? can your pussy take one more load?”

speechless, you nod, trying to grind your ass against crispin’s hips, but his hands on your hips hold you firm

he grunts approvingly, “good baby, take it deep in your pussy okay? and cum on my cock, baby, i wanna feel it”

you cum on his cock, almost violently, and twins groan at the sound of your moaning, and the sight of you spasming and shaking on crispin’s cock

a couple of deep thrusts later, crispin also cums deep into your pussy, his cum now mixed with basilio’s

crispin moves to get a washcloth to clean the three of you up, before all three of you collapse in bed, huddled together, basilio with his arms wrapped from behind--already falling asleep, you rest your head against crispin’s arm

“so, no more nudes when you’re at work?”

crispin laughs softly before pressing a kiss on your forehead, “unless your cunt is ready to take two cocks at once, no nudes when we’re at work”

#trese #trese the kambal #trese imagine #crispin #crispin x reader #basilio #basilio x reader #bftvtrese

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a-monsters-love · 4 years

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Hit with a quirk that turns adults to children

Shoto Todoroki x Reader

Genre: massive fluff. angst if ya’ squint

Warnings: implications of abuse, little OOC Shoto but its cannon that he smiled more when he was a kid (the gif is a perfect example)

A/N: FIC SWAP WITH @hxwks-gf ILY2 SWEETS - You’ll find her fic [here]

(Y/N) = Your name

(E/C) = Eye color

(H/C) = Hair color

[Master List]

—————

“How could this happen?” Endeavor hissed at Aizawa.

Aizawa, who looks like he’s about to explode on the man in front of him, lets out a deep sigh. “As I said before, Shoto got hit with a civilians quirk. It should wear off in the next couple days.” Endeavor scowls at you as you cross your arms and deadpan at him, your frame standing protectively in front of a now child Shoto. Shoto’s been holding on to you desperately for the past few hours since the incident, only letting go once to get changed into the smallest gym uniform the school could provide.

You offered to hold him but he chose to take refuge in the back of your legs rather than face the situation. The two of you had been working together on a project for Aizawa when you ran into villains on the street, at some point Shoto had a run in with a civilian who accidentally turned him into a child with their quirk. The face of despair and unbridled childlike tears that welled up in his eyes will haunt you.

“I don’t have time for this.” Endeavor groans, he pulls out his phone and calls Fuyumi. She’s a school teacher she should be able to handle this, right? After about 20 minutes of light bickering on the phone, he comes back. Neither of his siblings can help and his mother is ‘sick’.

You look back at Shoto’s shaking frame and take a deep breath, “I’ll take him.” The two heroes look at you with raised eyebrows. “As Aizawa already knows, I have the next few days off for personal reasons. Which means I have plenty of time on my hands to take care of a kid.” You squeak through the tension in the air.

Aizawa sighs, “Are you going to be able to handle it though? With everything going on?”

You laugh softly and rub little Shoto’s head, “I’m great with kids, and I could use the company.” You smile sadly at your teacher, who only nods in response.

Endeavor huffs and kneels down to Shoto, who hides himself further in your knees. “Contact me if anything happens.” He says looking at you.

“Of course, sir.” You had your suspicions before about Shoto’s childhood, this only brought the situation to light. Never have you ever seen the calm and collected Shoto petrified enough to have him in tears. “I will be running by your family home to pick him up a few different pairs of clothing. We don’t know how long this will last.” You tell him, you don’t bother asking. You don’t care for his opinion, he just needs to leave.

He nods in agreement and provides you the address and a vague idea on where to look. After he does, you scoop up your quivering classmate and speed walk out the door. He freezes at first but instinctually wraps his arms around you and buries his embarrassed face in your neck.

He hasn’t said a word since the incident and you don’t know how much of the man you know is still in there. As much as the idea of your crush burying his face into your neck makes you blush, protecting him is your first priority.

You quickly make your way to the Todoroki residence, well, as quick as you could. Shoto quietly asked to be put down about half way there, you walked as quickly as his little legs could comfortably take him.

When you arrived you looked at the note Endeavor gave you once more, “Alright, so, your father said there’s should be a box in the attic with your old clothing.” You squatted down and smiled at him, a small embarrassed expression was still present on his face. “Do you want to look with me, Shoto?”

He glances at you with a blush, the two of you weren’t on a first name basis outside of fact that his Hero name is his first name. Honestly you couldn’t find it in your bones to call a little kid by his last name, it felt too weird. He nods shyly, “Yes…(Y-(Y/N)…” His voice was almost a whisper.

You giggled a bit and finger combed out a few ruffles in his hair, “Wonderful, because I have no idea where your attic is.” The comment earns you a stifled laugh from the boy and he pulls you along by the finger.

After pulling down the latter to the attic you send Shoto up first, following close behind. You both cough at the dust but quickly find the boxes, after he pulls out a few outfits you inspect them for signs of deterioration. When you find no problems you both leave the attic and head down to wash the old clothing.

Shoto freezes as he passes through a hallway, the color has run from his face. “(Y-(Y/N)..” His voice shook as he stared at a door, you walk up to him slowly and offer your arms for him.

He awkwardly steps into your embrace, “Lets wash these at my house.” You say quietly, rubbing his back.

When you get home you walk in and show him where to put his shoes, “I’m home.” You say loudly to the nearly empty home. A meow is heard from upstairs and you wait as your old cat walks down the stairs to greet you. “Hello Cali, I’m home. I brought a friend.” You pet the cat who wasted no time rubbing up on Shoto. “This is Shoto, he’s going to be with us for a few days.” You explain to the cat, who meows lazily in return.

You chuckle as Shoto shyly pets the cat, “I’ve never had any pets before...” He says quietly.

You hum a bit and head to your wash room, “Well, you’ll have plenty of time to experience having one while you’re with me.” You smile at him, he slowly follows you poking his head around doors and entryways.

“Where’s your family?” He asks, noticing the lack of life in your house.

You croon at the question, “It’s just me and Cali. It’s been like that for awhile.” That was all you could manage on the situation as you made sure his clothing was set in the washer.

Regret is visible on his young face and he brought his hands to his mouth, “O-oh..I’m sorry..” He murmured towards the floor.

A chuckle escapes you, how can he be so cute? He looks up in confusion at you, “You did nothing wrong Shoto, you don’t have to apologize. Why don’t you go explore while I clean up a bit?” He nods at you and runs off, you walk up stairs and open up your little brothers old room. You move to open up the window and start dusting off the contents of the room when you hear heavy little feet making their way up the stairs. “Find anything interesting?” You ask.

Turning you see him carrying Cali, his arms scooped under the cats front legs in a manner that makes the beast look long. “You have a piano.” He says, you can hear stifled interest in his voice. Your heart breaks at the fact that a 5 year old is stifling their emotions.

“I do indeed!” You chirp while putting new sheets on the bed. “Do you like pianos?”

You can almost see the gears moving in his head. “They sound pretty.” He finally says, releasing the cat.

You chuckle as you finish cleaning up. “They do, my mom taught me to play when I was your age. She told me that music is the window to ones soul.”

It’ll be nice having him around, you think seeing him look at you in awe. “You can play it?” He asks, excitement can be heard in his voice for the first time.

“I can, I just had it tuned too.” You smile widely at him, glad his wall is coming down. “But first, we must bathe!” You scoop him up and tickle his stomach, “I think we’re both pretty stinky.”

He giggles from being tickled and then blushes at the idea of bathing with you. “Together?” He mumbles, you blush a bit at the comment.

“I-If you would prefer me being there, I su-suppose we could figure something out.” You stammer.

He doesn’t say anything as you walk to the bathroom and start filling up the bath when he pulls on your shirt, you look back at him and squat down. You tilt your head to the side, waiting for him to choose his words. “Stay?” He asks.

You smile, “Of course. Let me go grab a few things and we’ll get in.” You rush to your room and change into a bathing suit, grabbing your brothers old swim suit from his dresser. You hear a loud splash as you walk back, you see Shoto wet in his clothing from the trying to turn off the water. “Someone’s excited.” You tease.

He looks at you with a distressed pouting face, “N-No I-.” He stutters as you move to turn off the water. “I was trying to do that..”

You laugh and offer him the shorts, as he changes you move to grab a few bath soaps and bubble bath. “I appreciate all your help, Shoto.” You say walking back, helping him into the tub. Both of you let out a small sigh as you sink into the hot water, causing small chuckles between you.

You scrub off some of the slime from the day and start pouring bubble soap into the bath. “What’s that stuff?” He asks.

“Oh-Ho. Bubbles of course.” You wink at him and quickly mix the soap to create bubbles. He helps you make bubbles, he giggles a bit at the action and then blushes.

Shoto doesn’t understand what’s come over him, his mind is still all there but he has so much less control over his emotions, let alone his behavior. He hasn’t meant to say half the stuff he has since the accident. He watches you happily go along with his childish antics as if the whole situation were normal. You smile at him when you catch him staring and scoop bubbles onto his head. “H-Hey!” He whines, pushing bubbles at you.

You laugh as he falls into you, the tub is smaller than you’d like but you’re content with space you have. “Careful there.” You scoop him up, you find his eyes wandering along the deep scars all over your body. You reached for the sponge, “Let’s get you cleaned up.” You say softly.

Without realizing it Shoto found himself sitting on your thighs, tracing the scars on your shoulder with his fingers. He jumped back when he felt the soapy sponge touch his arm. “I can do it!” He said louder than he meant.

You hand him the sponge and grab another to scrub yourself. You get out of the tub to rinse off and wash your hair before he’s done. “Come here when you’re done, I want to wash your hair.” You say, he just nods with a bright blush.

He gets out by the time you start putting conditioner in your hair. “I can wash my own hair..” He mumbles, awkwardly sitting in front of you.

“I know you can, but I want to.” You say quietly, this whole situation is like a fever dream for you. Getting to wash your crushes hair and satiating the hole that was left without your family? Win-win (Y/N). “I like doing these things.” You say as you put shampoo in his hair.

“Why?” He asks plainly.

You hum as you massage his scalp, a small sigh leaves him from the feeling. “I like spoiling people I care about.” You blush a bit at the statement, blaming the steam for the heat in your face.

“Y-you care about me?” The question broke your heart.

“Of course I do, I wouldn’t have brought you to my family home or shared a bath with you if I didn’t.” A smile can be heard in your words, he doesn’t say anything.

He sat with his thoughts as you rinsed his hair of shampoo and started applying conditioner. The ‘shared a bath’ comment running through his mind, partially clarifying the fluttering in his chest when he’s around you. Maybe I can ask these questions since she thinks I’m a kid mentally. he thinks, “Hey, (Y/N)?” You hum in response. “What does it mean when your belly flops around?”

“Hmm, in the literal sense or do you mean when you feel like you have butterflies in your stomach?” You ask, focusing more on detangling his unfairly soft hair.

“Like butterflies.” He murmurs.

“Well, it can indicate excitement, anticipation, nervousness but often times it‘s a sign of love-“ Your breath hitches in your throat are the last word, a deep blush taking over your face. You make a feeble attempt to finish your work.

You were so focused on trying to hide you embarrassment you didn’t see Shoto’s reddening face. He stood up quickly and grabbed the shower head from the floor. “I’ll r-rinse your hair.” He says, giving you no time to argue as he walked around you and started the rinsing the conditioner out of your hair.

Both of you felt like your heads were going to pop, while the feeling of his little hands in your hair provoked giggles from you. You reached back and helped him, he struggled getting out knots from your hair and elected to leave them for you to sort out. His small frame doing him no justice as his hands traced the scars on your back but froze. “It’s okay.” You said softly, letting his childishly addled mind explore. You imagined if you had children they’d would do the same thing. “Let me rinse your hair when you’re done studying.” You tease. The comment pulled him from his wonder and he sat in front of you.

After the bath you both changed into pajamas. He lets you blow dry and brush his hair and followed you around like a ducking into the kitchen. “Can I help?” He asks on his toes at the counter, watching you pull out food for prep.

“Of course, pull up a chair.” You respond pointing at the kitchen table and he does just that. He pulls up a chair and you have him washing vegetables while you prepare a pan to cook in and start the rice cooker. “How does Oyakodon sound?” You ask looking through your fridge.

“I don’t mind as long as you make it.” His tone was soft, he didn’t dare to look at you in his own embarrassment. I didn’t mean to say that, he thinks.

You smile widely and pat his head gently, “You are too sweet, ya’ know that?” You giggle softly. “I’ll get you to decide on what you want tomorrow.”

He smiles lightly as you take the vegetables from him. He pushes the chair closer to the stove to watch you cook and watches how delicately but precise each movement you make is. He knows a little about cooking but he can’t understand how you quickly made a dish that seems so complicated.

He drags the chair back to the table when you start serving the dinner, he sits down excitedly as you bring out his plate. A happy noise escapes him as he starts to eat. You smile softly at his childish behaviors, “You’ll be a good mom.” He says with after chewing.

You chuckle and pull rice off his cheek, eating it yourself. “Maybe, I’ll need to find a husband first, and I’m pretty sure boys are terrified of me.” You recall interactions with other students after the sports festival, the girls were all excited but the boys seemed to shy away.

“You’re not scary!” He says almost dropping his spoon, you laugh and roll your eyes. “You’re not! You’re so nice and helpful and smart and-and pretty!” He felt like the room was spinning as he spat out how he felt, why did I say that?! He scolded himself internally, looking down. “If I could eat your food all the time I’d be your husband.” His words were so quiet you almost didn’t hear him, but you did.

You felt like your heart could jump out of your chest, my crush just said he’d be my husband! HOW DO I RESPOND TO THAT?? You tried to keep your face passive, coughing slightly to hide the quandary you’re in. “Maybe when you’re older.” An awkward giggle escapes you, “You’d have to be my boyfriend first though.”

His face was red but he nodded and scooped the last of his food into his mouth. “Okay.” He said with food in his mouth, “I’ll be (Y/N)’s boyfriend.” He continued, more to himself than you, nodding as if he just came to an agreement. You nearly choke on your drink before you both chuckle awkwardly, “Are you gonna play a song on the piano?” He asks as you take the dishes and wash them, letting him help store the left overs.

“I can, what kind of song?” You hum.

Shoto pauses and thinks about it, he doesn’t say anything until you walk up to the standing piano. “Something for me?” His voice was almost a squeak.

You turn and look at him, he’s looking down and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Maybe a song that reminds me of him? That’s not too tough, you hum and pat the space next to you on the piano bench. “I think I’ve got one.” You scoop him into your lap, giggling as he makes a feeble attempt to escape. “I don’t want to elbow you on accident.” When he stops wiggling around and you start playing the song, singing out the lyrics quietly as he watched your finger fly delicately across the keys. The harsher notes surprise him, but he glances at you with a slack jaw. Your eyes half lidded followed your hands across the keys, a small smile curled at your lips.

“You can do everything.” He gasps, earning himself a bashful blushing smile from you.

“Why don’t we watch a movie?” He nods happily at your suggestion.

He ended up sitting curled into you, under a blanket, you made herbal tea and put on some movie he chose. While finishing his drink it didn’t take long to get tired, he rubbed his eyes incessantly. “I’ll lay down after the movie.” He yawned a soft plea, you can’t imagine how tired his young body must be. Even as an adult, the day you had was a bit much.

He fell asleep not long after, you scooped him up and laid him down in your brothers old room. You left his door open after tucking him in and walked into your own room. You plopped on top of the blankets and dozed off quickly.

You woke up a few hours later to the soft sounds of crying, stifled and buried noises. You quickly got out of bed and walked over to the source, “Shoto? What’s wrong?” You asked softly.

He made an awkward grunt while wiping his face in the pillow, “Nothing, bad dream. I-I’m okay.” He pleas, but his childish form betrays him. “I’m sorry for waking you..”

“Well, you don’t look ‘okay’ to me.” You tease a bit, “Come here.” He instinctually follows you back to your room, you sit him on your much softer bed and wipe his face. “It’s okay to not be okay, Shoto.” You pat his scarred cheek, thumbing at stray tears before crawling into bed behind him. “Come lay down, take advantage of being little.” You say, you’re clearly still half asleep as you lift you arm for him to choose to lay with you or not.

It doesn’t take long for him to crawl into your bed, curling his sleepy small frame into your arms. The smell of you consumes his mind, calming him down. You pet his hair and rub shapes into his back until you both fall asleep.

——

“AH.” You woke to the sound of a surprised little Shoto, I thought that was a dream. He thought when he woke up wrapped in your arms and nuzzles into your chest.

You rubbed and picked at your eyes as he scooted away from you, glancing over at him. Oh yeah, “You sleep okay?” You’re far too tired to be embarrassed.

He watches you stretch out, your hair and clothing are disheveled. You’re glancing at him with half lidded bedroom eyes, your morning voice was softer and raspier than usual. A blush consumes him, I wish I was grown right now. He thinks, Wait…What? “Ah, y-yeah actually.” He rubbed his own eyes, “I slept good.” Better than he had in a long time.

You smile and sit up, quickly getting out of bed. “Good, why don’t you go get dressed and we’ll start breakfast.” You wink and smile at him as you head to the bathroom. He just stares at the door for a moment before rushing to the other room.

Shoto follows you down the stairs after you’re both dressed, noting you’re semi-casual clothing. “I have one thing I have to do today.” You tell him, “After that we’ll be free to do whatever you want.” You start reheating rice and cooking meat for breakfast, along with prepping food for lunch.

“You’re cooking a lot of food.” He comments from over the bar.

A soft smile graces your face, “We’re going to see my family today.” He notes the mild sadness in your face but doesn’t push.

“What are they like?” He asks walking around the counter to enter the kitchen.

“Oh they’re wonderful, my mom is very goofy. She loves music and weird philosophy that I still don’t understand.” You laugh talking about her, “My dad was a loud man, he’s soft and loved when he could take care of me and my brother. My brother on the other hand is a lot like the other boys in our class. A bit of a screw ball but he always means well.” Shoto quietly watches you talk passionate about your family, he smiles softly at the way you smile wide enough for dimples to show.

You set a plate down for him, you eat in the kitchen while you finish packing lunch. “You think they’ll like me?” He asks between bites.

You laugh, “They would have loved you.” Thoughts flash in Shoto’s head, she’s introducing me to her parents? He’s enamored with the idea but his current situation makes it very strange.

He loses himself in thought, not noticing you packing incense into your picnic basket. You feed Cali and start cleaning up, check the weather, and take your time cleaning up. You make a glass of fruit tea for Shoto, who’s watching cartoons. You watch him blow on it and take a careful sip when his face lights up, “This is yummy.” He smiles shyly.

“I’m glad, it was my favorite when I was your age.” You chuckle.

“What’s your favorite now?”

You hum at the question, “I haven’t met a tea I didn’t like. I’m not sure.” You stared blankly at the TV in consideration, it’s been a long time since you’ve been unsure of something so simple.

A couple hours pass before you leave for your picnic. Shoto wishes he could help you carry the basket and blanket, he fails to notice where you’re both headed until you stop. You pull out a key card and open the gate to a cemetery for Heroes, he looks up at you in concern but you smile softly back at him and pat his hair. When you finally stop you set up a blanket in front of a decorated family head stone, he just stares at you in surprise. He goes to say something when someone else calls your name. “Miss (Y/N)!” You look over and see an older man. “Is it the anniversary already?”

You wave as he walks up, “Takahashi! Good to see you old timer. It is, I can’t believe you still work here.”

He laughs loudly, “Your parents saved my life so of course I do! Who’s the tyke?” He asks peering around you.

Shoto bows politely, “I’m Shoto! Who are you?”

You both chuckle, “Polite young thing,” He says to you. “I’m Takahashi Jin, grounds keeper of this ‘er cemetery.” He smiles to Shoto, “You two enjoy your lunch, don’t get into trouble like last time missy!” He teases and turns to leave.

“Me? Trouble? Never. Not even once.” You snort, winking at Shoto who chuckles. You both chuckle further when you hear the old man huff.

Shoto lights the incense and both give your prayers before you open up lunch. Neither of you pay any mind to the strange looks you get as time goes on. Shoto doesn’t understand your happiness as you sit in a cemetery eating lunch with a classmate, you’re alone in this world. His heart aches but he’s glad you seem okay. The old man from earlier stop by again and hands you a few flyers, “You think we should go?” You ask Takahashi with knitted brows. He nods, sending an empathetic smile. You shrug and hand the papers to Shoto.

“A festival?” He looks at you wide eyed, “Can we go?”

“If you want to, then absolutely.”

“I’ve never been to one,” He whispers to himself behind the paper.

——

When you return to the house you drop the basket off on the counter and run upstairs. Shoto follows behind but waits as you head into a room he hasn’t seen yet, “Shoto, come here.” You call, he walks in hesitantly and looks around. “Face the door for a moment.” He does, only glancing over as he realizes your measuring him. “Yeah, this should fit.” Your voice was excited.

He turns to see you have a set of matching yukata’s, a larger white one with red geometric flowers on it, the smaller one was white with fine red and black lines running across it. “We’ll match?” He asks, these types of things were never something his father allowed.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” You poke at him, “Let’s get changed. It’s a bit of a ways away.”

You got him changed first, making sure the Geta sandals fit him. Once he’s sorted you make your way to your room, of course putting on a yukata alone isn’t easy, you groaned internally. It took you longer than you would’ve like to get ready, the outfit then the hair, natural makeup, the whole nine. You grabbed a small shoulder bag and your shoes as you finished.

You stared at the hair stick before grabbing it and walking down the stairs. “Shoto, can you help me with something?” You heard him run over before you saw him, he blushed and gasped at you.

“You look so pretty.” He whispered, cupping his mouth in embarrassment.

You hand him the hair pin and kneel down, “Can you put this in for me?” He looks at the hair stick and then at your hair, his expression softens as you allow him to put it where he likes. “My hero, thank you.” He blushes at the comment but doesn’t say anything. You offer him your hand to hold, he grabs your pinky and ring finger and the two of you set off.

—

“Wow.” He gasps, the streets are lines with lanterns as stalls, you hold his hand and let him pull you to everything that grabs his attention. You buy snacks as you go, you show him and a few other kids your goldfish catching skills and ended up giving all the fish away. You wouldn’t be able to take care of them anyway, the two of you stop by a mask stall. He stares at them in curiosity, the person running the stall explains them and lets him try on a few.

You look at your phone for the time and lift him up, “Look up.” You tell him, as he does fireworks go off. It’s the first time you’ve seen pure childish glee on his face since the incident, if ever. Everyone stares at the fireworks calmly as they go.

When they finish you walk over to a food stand, “Soba!” He cheers, you laugh and order him a bowl. You quickly find a bench to sit at and eat, “Did you know I like soba a lot?” He asked innocently.

“Yes I did, I thought you’d like to have some at your first street festival.”

He watches you eat Takoyaki with a content smile, he didn’t realize you heard that comment. “How long is this going on for?”

You hummed as you finished chewing, “3 more days, I think.” You wipe your mouth, “Did you want to come back?”

He chuckles softly, “Maybe when I’m older.” You smile at him, not quite sure what’s on his mind. “Is this a date?” His question caused you to almost choke on your food.

You looked away as you regained your composure, “I s-suppose i-it is.” You stammer out, your cheeks dust with blush and you’re grateful for the dim lighting. When you glance back at him you see a soft smile on his face, what on earth is going through his mind?

After another hour of playing around you both head back to your home, “Thank you.” He says, squeezing your fingers.

Squeezing his little hand back you hum, “What for?”

“Everything.” His voice was small but content.

You pat his hair with your free hand, “It was my pleasure, Shoto.” You watch the stars as you walk, “Thank you for meeting my family, it’s lonely to go by myself.” You sigh softly.

He glances up at you, “You’re welcome. I don’t want you to be lonely.” You look down at him, a sad smile graces your face. “I’m here for you since you’re gonna be my wife.” His hand quickly covers his mouth at the comment but you can see the smile he’s hiding.

The single comment broke the sadness on your face, causing you to laugh. “That’s a good reason.” You snicker as you make it back to your house.

“We’re home.” You say to the mostly empty house. “Let’s get changed and off to bed.” He nods and follows you up the stairs.

He falls asleep quickly as you tuck him into bed, when you’re sure he’s asleep you press a soft kiss to his forehead and head to bed yourself.

Shoto wasn’t completely asleep when you left a soft kiss on his skin. A smile grew on his face as he got comfortable, you curled into bed quickly dozing off yourself.

You were stirred in the middle of the night by heavy weight of a body curling into your chest and neck. You didn’t bother opening your eyes as you sleepily remembered your guest, you lazily wrapped your arms around him and found his head of hair with you hand to pet as you drifted. “Sleep well, Shoto.” You mumbled as you started to doze back off.

Shoto, now fully grown, had made quick and delicate work of wrapping himself into you. A soft happy noise escaped you as you got comfortable, “I think I love you, (Y/N).” He said softly into your chest, assuming you were asleep.

You hum sleepily and squeeze him a bit, “I think I love you too Sho…” Your voice trailed off indicating your sleep, Shoto squeezes you back as a small happy smile crept up his face.

As much as being turned into a child could have been an absolute nightmare of a situation, he was happy to have had this time with you. He never understood why he was so drawn to you but after all this he seemed to understand more. He never thought being a kid again would have its advantages. He never thought you’d let him so deep into your personal life, between meeting your family, cooking for him and taking him to his first festival. All he wanted to do was stay in your life like this, now he was certain he actually could.

#bnha #mha #bnha x reader #bnha todoroki #bnha shoto #bnha x y/n #mha x reader #mha x y/n #mha fanfiction #mha fan fic #shoto todoroki #shoto todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader #todoroki shoto #shoto x reader #fic swap #bnha fan fic

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liptonsbabe · 3 years

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Chains of a family [B.W]

Bill Weasley x Grant! reader

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4

Summary: Molly thinks that Bill’s and the reader relationship is a mistake so she wants them apart from each other. Bill’s against his mother wishes and he find a way to drag the reader into the Weasley family officialy

Word count: 1.9K

Warnings: none

A/N: Hi! Part 4 of this thing lol. I’m so happy that you guys like this story. It’ll have like 20 chapters or so, i’m still deciding that so yeah, that’s pretty much the thing. Btw, from now on chapters will be more interestings... i hope so lol. Again, english not my mother language. Please let me know if something’s wrong. Aaaaaand if you want to be tagged in the next chapters tell me and i will add you! Enjoy!

Chapter 4: Arguments

The rest of the afternoon passed as normal as the days before your arrival. Arthur Weasley made sure of it. Even if Molly attacked you with her dagger gaze when you and Bill hugged each other after you were done with dessert.

You didn’t know what Mr. Weasley had talked about with his wife while you were taking a shower, however, you noticed the tension rising from their bodies after you sat down at the table next to Bill and saw an annoyance sign on Molly’s lips. Her temple was frowned, reminding you of your own mother's gestures. Those flaming eyes, cleft chin, and pinion lips. Both women contract their features too much when they were upset and in your distress, you knew that they must not be disturbed.

The last thing you wanted was to hurt a marriage as solid as the Weasley's. More than once you heard your mother talk about it with your nanny making a powerful emphasis on how Molly and Arthur were able to carry out their marriage even if their economic conditions were precarious and the war was on their heels. They were an envied couple. Few dared to expand the family as much as they did without money in their pockets and spreading their progeny like a plague. No one was surprised, not even your mother, not when her marriage to Evan Grant was merely for financial advantage. Now Arthur and Molly looked upset, too upset for your understanding and you just hoped they could get along soon.

You weren't sure you deserved the sacrifice Bill's father had made for you, yet a flame of hope lit up in your chest. If Mr. Weasley started to trust you that was a good sign for others to do as well, right?

The afternoon continued as normal, seeing how Bill's plans to distract you from the fervent harassment of his mother was marred by the twins intervention. They had just finished a new product for their store and needed a good taster to certify the quality of their merchandise. It was a bad idea, he told himself, because twins were just a disaster and you didn't know them well enough to deny their good-natured pretensions.

"Be kind!" He yelled at them as Fred and George pulled you into their. Bill exhaled, pleading that his brothers wouldn't bother his girlfriend more than his mother already had.

Before taking you home, he thought about the pros and cons of your stay in the burrow. His conclusion was based on the fact that his entire family welcomed Harry Potter with open arms, so you didn't have to be the exception. He knew the difference in conditions in which his theory developed, yet he put his trust in the good judgment of his family even if the Grants' past left much to be desired. Bill didn't talk much about you with his mother, in fact, your presence at home was the last of his worries, the real problem came at the time of joining the Order of the Phoenix, would you be willing to fight against your relatives even if that mean betraying your own blood? Bill hope you will

Coming downstairs, Bill found his mother storing the leftover food in the fridge while the dishes soaked in the sink. Then he watched her clean each plate with her bare hands, no magic. William knew his anger was real.

"Want some help with that?"

"I'd love to, honey, thank you," his mother answered without looking at him. Bill raised the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows, dipping his hands into the tide of water and bubbles that flew across the kitchen. Molly was silent, drying the dishes and flying them to her place in the display case across the kitchen. Bill cleared his throat doubtfully "It never hurts to help, much less when I have so many things to do before the rest of the Order arrive"

"Don't worry, I'll help you with that too."

"Perfect"

"Mom, can we talk?"

"About what?

"You know what," Bill clicked his tongue, passing her the last plate from the sink to continue with the spoons. "(Y/N)..."

"Your father has scolded me enough about that girl, I don't need you to do it too"

"I wouldn't if you had a little consideration with her."

"More consideration?" Molly asked in a squeak. Bill shook his head. "I'm letting her stay at my home!"

"Our home, mom, ours," he corrected, drying his hands with a cloth. "This house also belongs to my dad, my brothers, and me. It's the burrow, a family property, not a secret club where some people can get in and others cannot."

"You know what I think of her"

"And you know I don't care." Molly looked scandalized at her son. She didn't understand what he had seen in someone like you or what you had given him to come out and defend you as he did "I don't ask you to love her, but at least you have to try...

"Have you ever wondered what will happen when she betrays us?"

"That's not gonna happen"

"You're very sure of that, William"

"I'm convinced, Mom. You don't know her like I do and, you know what? I see that wanting to talk to you was a mistake"

"Moody thinks like me," Molly stopped him when Bill was ready to go upstairs. The woman clung to the railing watching her son standing in the first step out of the kitchen "(Y/N) Grant is a danger to the Order"

"Really? Like Mundungus Fletcher? I beg your pardon, mom, but if there is anyone who represents a latent danger to the Order of the Phoenix, it's him and yet you have assigned him for the mission tonight"

Molly's lips parted and if it weren't for the fact that Bill knew her mother too well, he might think the woman was about to throw herself on the floor in a tantrum. Still, she clenched the bars tightly, her brow furrowed, and the redness on her cheeks washed over her forehead.

"William!" Don't talk to me like that!"

"I wouldn't if you had a little more respect for my girlfriend."

"Don't you understand? I care about you! For all of us!" She snarled angrily. "Having a Riddle in this house..."

"A Grant, mom, (Y/N) is a Grant and that's not the same." Bill descended his steps, approaching her mother, returning that angry look that she had inherited from him. It was a strange sensation. A dyad of emotions between joy and fear where the composed emotion was guilt. He had never exploded that way with his mother, but Molly hadn't behaved that way with anyone either "His grandfather is Lord Voldemort's half-brother and his brothers are all Death Eaters, what does it matter? (Y/N) is not. And when do we judge others by where they come from? If so, we could start with half of us. Being a Weasley is equivalent to being a blood traitor"

"William!"

Molly's face went from fury to shock to fury again. Bill's eyes were twinkling and Molly swore she had never seen any of her children this angry, or worse, this determined.

"What would you have done, Mom?" Bill questioned taking his mother by his arms in an attempt to make him feel her despair. Molly opened her eyes, scared. "When your family tell you not to accept dad? When your brothers object to your engagement, just 'cause the Weasleys have long been considered blood traitors?"

For the first time that day Molly's mind went blank, Bill guessed, rewinding the memories of how difficult it was for the Prewetts to accept the marriage. Bill pleaded silently, but pulled away from her when his mother gave no indication to be a little more respectful with you.

"We aren't like that. We don't separate people by where they come from, we hug them" Bill resumed his way towards the stairs, stopping a couple of steps up, turning to take a look at Molly's stunned figure "As you did with Hermione, Remus and Harry when you and Dad became his godparents after Sirius died. (Y/N) is no different"

"She will turn her back on us when the Order fight the Grants. That moment will come and you know it"

"Don't worry, i'll make sure that doesn't happen"

"She is not part of this family"

"That can be solved very easily," he said and the smile he wore gave her a terrible chill down her spine. "Because I'm going to ask her to be my wife."

Molly's gasp was the only thing Bill heard before climbing the stairs and heading to the twins' room. He always respected his mother a lot and even thinking of opposing to her wishes was inconceivable, but your well-being was something that was involved and Bill couldn't just let her mother control his life at her will. Maybe the mistake he made was not telling his parents the truth about you from the start or, in that case, mentioning that the woman he loved was the fucking niece of the strongest fucking dark wizard of all time.

Bill Weasley rubbed his face as he reached the twins' door. He no longer had to torment himself, it was done and the only thing pending at the moment was to get Harry out of his uncles' house, take him safely to the burrow and find the courage to do what he told his mother he would do.

Would you agree to marry him? He hoped so and if not, he wouldn't pressure you. You were young - even a little younger than him - and it would be understandable if you refused to tie your life to someone else's from one moment to the other. The war progressed every day and if you were going to do it, you would do it as soon as possible.

Loud laughings brought him out of his thoughts to observe you and his brothers sitting on the floor, right in the center of both beds, laughing at each other and touching your faces. From the doorway Bill can't see the full painted room, however George's face showed a rather abstract mural full of bright colors when he felt the presence of his older brother. Fred did the same showing his face in the same situation and then you turned to Bill, still laughing and your face smeared with paint. It seemed the twins had created a paint bomb in millimeter pills, that explode when you put a little bit of pressure. You tried to clean yourself with the sleeve of your sweater but you spread the paint even more. Fred and George laughed and so did Bill.

His heart swelled with love as he saw that at least someone in his family - besides him and his father - had hope in you. God, he may have even cried with happiness.

Bill never understood how a sunshine as beautiful as you was never accepted in your entire life.

Tags:

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Thanks for the 100 followers!❤

#bill weasley #bill weasley imagine #bill weasley x reader #harry potter imagine #harry potter cast #Harry Potter imagines #domhnall gleeson imagine #domhnall gleeson x reader #domhnall gleeson #weasleys #fred weasley imagines

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chrizbang · 4 years

Text

Pairing: Han Jisung x female reader

Genre: smut

Warnings: mature content, swearing, partying, drinking, fighting, crying, penetative sex, unprotected sex.

Word count: 4.934

Author’s note: English is not my first language, there might be some grammar mistakes dhuofdsjojd I hope you enjoy it and I would love to hear your feedback!

You and Jisung dated for almost a year. He was a great boyfriend even though he was always busy. He barely had time to spend with you, he worked a lot and had all the work from college. Because of that, Jisung decided it was better to break up with you. He really liked you, but he thought it wouldn't be fair to keep you in a relationship with him since he didn't have time to spend with you. That's what he told himself.

He wanted you to remain as friends. It wasn’t a long time ago, so you were still healing, and as much as you wanted to do the friends thing, you needed sometime for yourself.

After you finished your shift at the coffee shop you worked at, you were heading home. You were tired and all you wanted was to go to sleep. Becca, your roommate, messaged you saying she was going to a party, so you were going to be alone.

It was in moments like thiswhere you missed Jisungthe most, the momentswhen you were alone in your apartment. You missed how he would make you dinner, even thoughhe would burn the food most of the time. You missed cuddling with him on the couch while you watched a movie. And, oh boy, you missed having sex with him. Jisungwas good, he knew exactly what he had to do to drive you crazy, and as much as you like using your toys, it wasn’t the same.

After getting home, you took your shoes and yourjacket off and sat on the couch. All you wanted was to go to sleep but you needed to shower. You grabbed your phone and you saw that you had two messages from Becca.

Becca, 20:30: hey

Becca, 20:30: girl, are you awake?

Y/N, 20:31: yes

You felt curious, but you chose to take a shower instead of waiting for her to answer. You got up from the couch and went to your room. You took your clothes off, putting them in the laundry basket inside your bathroom, and entered the shower. It was quick, just enough to take the sweat off. After drying your body, you put on your panties and your favorite hoodie and went to bed.

You took your phone and saw that Becca sent two more messages.

Becca, 20:50:[picture]

Becca, 20:50: Isn’t that Jisung????

You opened the picture and felt your heart sink. Jisung was in the line outside of the party, waiting to get in. He was with some friends. Jisung was wearing skinny jeans, sneakers, and that one leather jacket that made him look so good.

You know he had to move on eventually, it’s been one month since he broke up with you. But it made you feel sad that you were still thinking about him and he was ready to meet someone new.

Y/N, 20:52:wow

Y/N, 20:52:can you do me a favor?

Becca, 20:53:sure

Y/N, 20:53:tell me if you see him doing something with someone, like kissing or anything

Becca, 20:55:are you sure you want to know about that?

Y/N, 20:55:yes, please

Becca wasn’t answering anymore, she was probably entering the party, you thought. You decided to go to sleep and try to forget about it. You laid on the bed and closed your eyes. You felt your head hurting, it was probably going to take you long to go to sleep now. You tried not to think about Jisung.

The next morning, you woke up at 9:00 am, it was your day off. You didn’t sleep well last night, so you didn’t wanted to get up, but you remembered what you asked Becca. You checked your phone and there wasn’t a new message from her. You got up and crawled to Becca’s room. You thought she was sleeping, but there was no one in her room. That’s when you heard noise in the kitchen.

“Hey,” you said.

“Good morning!” Becca looked fine for someone who partied all night. That was something that you always admired about her, how easy it was for her to have energy and a socialize. You couldn’t relate. She was wearing a pink cropped with booty shorts, her dark straight her on a ponytail, and she was making pancakes. She always made pancakes for the both of you in the morning.

“So, about Jisung…” she looked at you “are you really sure you want to know? I know you still have feelings for him.”

“I need to know,” you sat at the table in the kitchen. There was no turning back now. If you didn’t know what happened, it would linger in your mind forever. Becca put the dishes on the table and you took one pancake. You weren’t feeling hungry but you were going to eat it anyway.

“Okay,” she sighed “After we entered the party, I wasn’t able to keep track of him all the time, there were a lot of people inside.” She took a bite of her pancake. “What I saw was that he spent most of the time with his friends. However, I saw him kissing two girls, one after, at least, 30 minutes after the party started. She was Black and had a fit body. The other one was before he left, she was Asian and a little bit taller. And…” she paused.

“What?”

“She left with them.”

Becca saw your expression, she knew that you were feeling upset about it.

“I’m sorry for telling you,” she said “but you are my friend, and I wouldn’t be able to see him at the party having fun and not tell you. This is a sign that you need to move on.”

“I know…You know what? I’m going back to sleep.”

“You are not going to finish your pancake?”

“Sorry, I’m not hungry.”

Becca looked upset, but you know it wasn’t because of the pancake, but because she knew how you were feeling. You got up and went to your room. After laying in bed, you started crying. You felt empty, like you were easily replaced. All you been through with Jisung was in the past, you knew that, but knowing that he was with other girls was like a confirmation. Thinking about someone else kissing his lips, hugging him. Thinking about him running his pretty hands through someone else’s body. It made you feel sick. You knew it was silly, you knew you had no right to feel this way, but you couldn’t help it.

It has been a week since you discovered that Jisung was going out with other girls. You decided it was for the best to forget about him, you had plans for your future, and suffering for a man wasn’t going to help you.

You were getting ready for your shift, putting your uniform on, after taking a shower, when you received a notification on your phone. You picked it and saw it was a text message. When you opened it, you felt butterflies in your stomach.

Unknown number, 13:25: Hey

Unknown number, 13:25: Sorry for messaging you out of the blue.

It was Jisung. You deleted his number but you could see his profile picture. Just because you were trying to get over him, he had to message you.

Unknown number, 13:26: I just wanted to tell you that I finally graduated!

You didn’t know if it was better to ignore these messages or to answer him, but you decided to answer because you didn’t want to be rude.

Y/N, 13:29: hey, that’s good to hear

Y/N, 13:29: I’m happy for you

Unknown number, 13:31: Thanks!

Unknown number, 13:31: We’re going to have a party to celebrate it. You can come, if you want. You can bring Becca too. I would love to see you.

No way you were going. Nope. No. The last thing you needed was to see him. To feel him. To hug him. To smell his perfume. No.

Y/N, 13:34: sorry, but I think it for the best if I don’t go.

Unknown number, 13:37: It’s okay, but the offer is still up in case you change your mind.

You decided not to answer anymore. You were late to work and you didn’t want to keep thinking about it.

After working all day, you got home exhausted. Becca was already home, so she was preparing dinner.

“Hi,” you said.

“Hey Y/N. I’m making pasta”. She said. “I had an idea and you are not going to say no to me.”

“Okay?” you stepped into the kitchen, curious about what she was talking about.

“We are going to a party!” Becca said excitedly.

“You know I’m not a fan of parties.”

“I know, but my friend Seungmin is throwing a party to celebrate his graduation, and I know a lot of cute boys are going to be there. Is your chance to get over your ex.”

“I don’t think I’m going to get over him if I keep thinking about him. Besides, he is going to that party, he invited me.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“You know what? That’s good. So he can see what he lost.

Besides, are you going to lose an opportunity to have fun just so you can avoid him? That’s ridiculous.” You know she was trying to convince you. “Jisung needs to see that you are doing fine without him”.

“I’m definitely not” you grunted. You sat on the table, holding your head with your hands. This was a stupid idea.

“He doesn’t know that, I’m not taking no for an answer.”

You knew it was useless to fight with Becca, she was persuasive when she wanted to.

“I’m gonna think about it, okay?” You gave Becca a pleading look, hoping that she would have mercy on you.

“Okay, but you don’t have much time. The party is this friday.”

Eventually, you decided to go to the party. Becca was right, you shouldn’t have to avoid places just because Jisung would be there. Besides, there was nothing you could say to convince her otherwise.

It was friday and you were feeling like you were going to explode. You didn’t know if you were ready to see Jisung yet. You wanted so bad for him to look at you and regret breaking up with you. You wanted him to beg to get back with you, but at the same time, you were scared you would have to see him with a new girlfriend.

You were getting ready, after doing your hair and make-up, you were trying to decide which outfit to wear. Somebody knocked on your door. “Come in,” you said.

“Hey” Becca entered your room, noticing that you were still in your underwear. “Can’t choose what to wear?” she sat on your bed.

“Yeah. I want something that makes me look good, so maybe Jisung will notice me, but at the same time, I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard.”

“Why don’t you wear that low-cut white blouse that makes your boobs look good? You can wear it with a nice skirt,” Becca suggested.

“Hmm, I think I’ll wear it with some jeans instead of a skirt, so it will look more casual, and heel boots.” You put on your outfit and you felt good because you were looking gorgeous. Even if Jisung didn’t notice you, at least you were feeling good about yourself.

Becca called an Uber and you arrived at the party. Seugnmin’s house was huge, like something you’ve never seen before. You were standing before a huge gate, and inside you could see he had a big pool, where people were gathering around.

Once you were inside, you tried not to look for Jisung, even though you knew you would see him eventually. Becca suggested that you would get a drink, so both of you went to the kitchen. There were a lot of alcoholic beverages on the table, but since you weren’t fond of drinking, you just got the same as Becca.

“Hey, that boy didn’t stop to look at me since we arrived here,” Becca told you, trying not to look at him.

“Oh, I know him, his name is Felix. He is really cute.”

“I think I’m going to talk to him,” Becca winked at you. “Will you be okay?” She seemed concerned.

“Yes, I’ll be fine, go talk to him.” You didn’t want to stop her from having fun. After Becca left, you went outside to get some air. Seungmin’s backyard was huge, but it didn’t stop you from seeing Jisung. He was next to a table that was close to the pool. He was talking to a girl, she was blonde with straight hair, so she wasn’t one of the girls Becca said he kissed at the party. They looked like they were having an interesting conversation, she had her hand on his arm, she was definitely flirting with him. You couldn’t clearly see his face but by his body language, he was into it. He approached her to say something on her ear, his hands on her waist.

You felt your head hurt so bad, you really wanted to leave. You were so stupid to think you would be okay with seeing him, especially like that.

You turned around, wanting to leave as soon as possible, but a guy bumped into you, making you drop your drink on your blouse.

“Oh, shit,” he said.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, I’m the one who’s sorry! I fucked up your shirt.”

“It’s okay, I was leaving anyway,” you looked up at the boy, he was tall, he had his long dark hair up in a ponytail. He was wearing a black sweatshirt, blue jeans, and white sneakers. He was so handsome, like a model.

“Hey, you don’t have to leave. Here,” he took his sweatshirt off, making his shirt underneath go up with it, exposing his abs. You couldn’t help but look. “I don’t know if it’s going to ruin your outfit, but at least you won’t have to wear something wet and stained.”

“You don’t have to,” you started to blush, he was really cute.

“It’s okay, really. You can even give me your blouse so I can wash it for you, I owe you one.”

“I’ll take the sweatshirt, but you don’t have to wash the shirt. Don’t worry.”

“Okay, can I get you another drink? I promise I won’t drop it on you again.”

“Sure! Just let me get changed” You rushed to the bathroom, feeling all giggly. For a moment you even forgot about how you were feeling because of Jisung. You took your blouse off and put on the sweatshirt. It had a nice smell, he probably used a good perfume. You just realized that you never asked his name.

You left the bathroom and looked for him, he was at the balcony in the kitchen. You approached him, holding your blouse in your hands.

“This sweatshirt is really comfortable. I might not give you back,” you teased him.

He smiled at you, he had such a pretty smile, he was breathtaking.

“I’ll allow it because you look cute in it.” You couldn’t stop blushing.

“So, my name is Y/N, what’s your name?”

“Hyunjin,” he said while pouring something into a cup.

“Are you graduating too?”

“Not yet,” he handed you the cup and took a sip from his own “I’m friends with the guy who planned the party.”

“Seungmin?”

“Yeah, do you know him?” he asked.

“I heard about him,” you looked at your cup “what is it?”

“I have no idea,” Hyunjin laughed.

You and Hyunjin chatted for a while, he was funny and you were having a good time. People were dancing in the living room, and he invited you to go there so you could dance with him. Hyunjin was a good dancer, moving his hips with ease. He was mesmerizing, and the alcohol you drank was starting to make you feel tipsy. He had his hands on your hips, guiding your body against his, sometimes grinding on you. For a moment you lost all your inhibitions, you gently grabbed his face with your hands and kissed him. It wasn’t long before Hyunjin kissed you back, opening his lips so you could put your tongue inside of his mouth. He held your head with one hand while the other held your back. He had soft lips and he was a good kisser, but you didn’t feel anything but desire. You kissed him for a while, but it was getting late and you had to go home if you wanted to sleep before going to work the next day. After you explained it to Hyunjin, you asked for his number, with the excuse of only getting it so you can give back his sweatshirt, and you went around looking for Becca, trying your best to avoid Jisung. Finally, you found her, kissing Felix like there was no tomorrow. You just wanted to tell her that you were leaving, but she insisted to go with you. You called an Uber and left the party.

“So… I saw you kissing that tall guy, he’s really cute,” Becca said while you were opening the front door of your apartment.

“Yeah, he is,” you smiled.

“You know who else saw it? Jisung.”

“Really?” You turned around to face her, after closing the door. You tried not to care about it, but it was useless.

“Yes, I was going to the bathroom, when I saw him in the kitchen getting some drinks, when he went through the living room to go outside again, he saw you dancing with the guy.” Becca sat on the couch to take her shoes off.

“But you said he saw us kissing?”

“Yeah, because he stayed inside, looking at you. Not gonna lie, he looked really upset.”

You felt a mix of emotions, part of you was happy because Jisung felt like you were feeling. But part of you thought it was stupid, and you didn’t want to hurt him.

“Anyway, I’m gonna take a shower and go to sleep,” Becca said, going to her room. You decided to do the same.

The next day you went to work with a migraine, you didn’t even drink that much. The day went by fast, it was almost the end of your shift. You were cleaning some cups in the sink when you heard the bell on the door, indicating that someone entered the coffee shop. You weren’t paying much attention until the person stopped by the balcony.

“Y/N.”

You turned around, feeling butterflies in your stomach. “Jisung?”

“I wanna talk to you.”

“I can’t, I’m working,” you were feeling so confused, what was he doing here all of the sudden?

“Your shift will end in 10 minutes, right?” he looked at the watch on his wrist to check. “I can wait,” his expression was serious, he looked like he was upset but he didn’t look angry.

Ten minutes later, you left the balcony to go change in the back of the coffee shop. You were feeling nervous and apprehensive, you tried to change as fast as you could so you could solve this situation already.

When you went back, Jisung was sitting at a table with a thoughtful expression. He got up when he saw you getting closer.

“What’s wrong?” you asked him.

“Let’s go, I’ll take you home.”

“You said you wanted to talk to me.”

“Yeah, I do, but let’s go home first.”

You sighed but followed him to his car.

When you were inside the car, the atmosphere was heavy. Jisung drove to your house without saying a word. You couldn’t stand it anymore.

He stopped the car in front of your apartment, you really wanted to talk to him but you weren’t feeling brave enough to say anything.

“Can I come inside?” Jisung asked with pleading eyes. You felt a bit nervous, you would be alone with him since Becca texted you saying that she was going to spend the night at Felix’s house, but you couldn’t say no to him.

“I’m just trying to understand something,” Jisung said after you were already inside the house, you locked the door and looked at him.

“What?”

“You told me that you were not going to the party, you know, the one to celebrate the graduation. But, to my surprise, not only you went to the party, but you also were having a lot of fun with Hyunjin.” Jisung sat on the couch, he had a disappointed expression.

“So what?”

“So what?” he raised his eyebrows. “I invited you because I hoped I would be able to see you, you never spoke to me again. And also, Hyunjin, really?”

You started to feel angry, his fucking audacity.

“Jisung, you broke up with me, you’ve been hanging with a lot of girls since then, and now you’re upset because I was kissing somebody else?” you thought he wasn’t being rational.

“I don’t like him, I don’t want to see you with him again,” you looked at him hoping that he was joking, but he had a serious expression.

“You must be kidding me,” you laughed “I’m a single woman, single because you fucking broke up with me, I’ll fucking kiss whoever I want.”

“Stay away from him Y/N, I’m warning you,” he raised his voice. He looked intimidating when he was upset.

You felt your blood boiling, what the fuck was he thinking.

“You know what, I know why you don’t want me to go out with him,” you stood in front of him. “He is great, he is handsome, tall, his hair is fucking shiny. You are afraid that’ll he fuck me the way you never did, aren’t you?”

You crossed your arms, you didn’t want to fight with Jisung, but you were feeling so frustrated, you couldn’t hold your words anymore.

“You’re afraid he’s going to make me feel like the fucking woman you never made me fe-”

It was enough for Jisung, he grabbed you by your thighs and lifted you, carrying you on his shoulder. He dragged you to your room and threw you on the bed. You didn’t even have time to react before Jisung turned you around, your back now against his chest. He held your arms behind your back, putting his weight against your body.

“You are such a little brat, aren’t you?” he whispered against your ear. “I’m gonna teach you a lesson, I’m gonna show you who you fucking belong to.”

He sounded so angry and you would be lying if you said it wasn’t turning you on. He let go of your arms so he could unbuckle his belt, taking it off and using it to tie your arms behind your back. You tried to hold a moan, you didn’t want to give him the taste of knowing that you were turned on by him.

He unbuttoned your pants and pulled them down without taking them off. He ripped your underwear, but you weren’t able to complain because seeing him like that was making you super wet.

You felt him moving in the bed when he started to unbutton his pants, taking them off. Jisung ran his thumb on your folds, playing with your pussy lips.

"So fucking wet for me," he groaned. He held your hips and lowered his body, putting his face on the level of your pussy. You could feel his breath before he started to run his tongue on your folds. At this point, you weren't able to hold your moans anymore, everything he was doing was driving you crazy. All the times you had sex with him, he was always soft and patient, taking his time with you. But the fact that he was acting rough because he was jealous made you feel like he desired you. "You always taste so fucking good," Jisung said, positioning himself on top of you. Slowly, he pushed his rock-hard cock inside of you, making you feel every inch. You gasped, feeling him stretching your pussy out like that. Once he was fully inside, Jisung started to move at a fast pace, not giving you time to get used to him inside of you. You could barely move, trying to take everything he was giving you.

"You like that, don't you, you little slut?" Jisung pulled your hair and started to suck on your neck, leaving marks behind. The fact that he didn't even bother to take all of your clothes off turned you on so bad. He raised your shirt and grabbed your boobs, pinching your nipple. "Answer me," he demanded. "Yes, y-es, I love it," you could barely answer. He never stopped his movements, fucking you from behind, leaving marks on your neck, claiming you as his.

“Please, I so close,” you moaned, feeling your orgasm approaching.

Jisung was panting, he was high also getting close. "Cum for me, slut." "Yes, yes, f-fuck," was all you could say before you felt your orgasm hitting you hard. Jisung kept going for a while until he let out a long moan, spilling his hot cum inside of you. He stayed on top of you for a while, breathing on your neck. "Y/N?" he said, after a while. "Hmm?" "We need to talk." You tried to lift your body but you couldn't because of Jisung's weight, so he lay by your side. He untied you and you turned around to face him. "I don't wanna talk," you protested. "This was the best that I felt for a while, I don't wanna ruin it by fighting with you." "Y/N, I-" Jisung stopped, thinking about what he was trying to say. "I'm sorry." You could see the regret on his face. "I thought I was being selfish by dating you, I barely had time to do anything besides working and studying, I didn't want to keep you in a relationship like this, you deserved better." Jisung got closer to you, avoiding your eyes. "After I graduated, I had more free time, and you had no idea how much I wanted to spend time with you, but I didn't have the guts to go after you after breaking up with you. I tried to forget about you by going to parties and meeting other girls, but it was never the same." He sat against the headboard. "When I saw you with Hyunjin, I felt so hurt, especially because you are right, he would be so much better for you." You looked at him, he looked like he was being honest. "You have no idea how hurt I was after seeing you with other girls." "I know. It's okay if you don't want to see me again, but I want you to know that you are important to me." "I think I need some time to think."

Jisung left your apartment. You got up to shower and clean the mess on your bed. All the time you kept thinking about what happened. You absolutely wanted to be with him, but at the same time, you were still upset about what happened. Eventually you called Jisung, since you couldn’t stop thinking about him, and he invited you to have dinner at his place on the next day, after work. You changed at work before going to his house, deciding to wear a white shirt with jeans. Jisung made pasta, it was easy and fast to cook but it was also your favorite food. The dinner was awkward in the beginning, both of you not knowing what to say to each other. "So...now that you graduated, what are your plans?" you tried to start a conversation to stop with the awkward silence. You were sitting at the table in his kitchen, in front of him. His mouth was full of food, so he took a while before answering your question. "Well, I got a job at that record company I've told you, do you remember?" "I do! That's really good to hear Jisung." He smiled at you. You always felt your heart melting when you saw his pretty smile. "Y/N... I'm really sorry for everything. I feel like I'm being selfish with you. You saw me with other girls and I lost it when I saw you with someone else. I don't know what to do but, it's okay if you choose to be with Hyunjin. I have no right to be upset at you." He avoided your eyes, too afraid of your reaction.

You wondered if you really should tell him that you dumped Hyunjin the day before. You messaged him, opening your heart to him and explaining your feelings for your ex-boyfriend. You still promised to give him his sweatshirt back. "Jisung, forget about Hyunjin. I wouldn't be able to get seriously involved with him, knowing that I still have feelings for you." Jisung looked at you, a glimpse of hope in his eyes. He reached for your hand. "I promise you I will be a better boyfriend if you still want me. You have no idea how much I miss you." "I want it. But this the last chance I'm giving you." Jisung got up and went to your side on the table, he held your face with his hands and kissed you. A kiss that made you dizzy by the passion it had. "I love you," he said. "I love you too." And after that, you knew that you had a new beginning with Jisung by your side.

#skz #stray kids #han jisung #stayhavennet #skz smut #stray kids smut #han smut #jisung smut #han jisung smut #han jisung angst #skz angst #stray kids angst #han jisung x you #han jisung x reader #han jisung x y/n #skz smut fanfic #stray kids smut fanfic #skz scenarios #stray kids scenarios

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dilucslittleangel · 3 years

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𝐀 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐈𝐥 𝐃𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐞

Hello!! Usually I wanted to write this same thing with Scaramouche until unfortunately his canon past came out and I had to delete the whole thing- so now, while Dottore will sure take some time to appear in the game, I'm taking my chance to write how I think his past maybe looked like.

Some sentences towards the end have been taken off his artifact!

Word count: 1584

I'd like to say this may or may not fit into canon!! (however I wouldn't mind if this became canon)

So. Where to we begin?

I like to think Dottore had a golden child syndrome from a young age.

Most parents want to see their children thrive and flourish. In fact, the desire to see your child succeed is a normal desire of parenting. Moreover, even good parents sometimes have unrealistic expectations for their children.

But good child syndrome can happen when a child consistently reinforces their parent’s desires for them. These children don’t just want to satisfy their parents- they feel obligated and responsible for doing so. It becomes a significant part of their identity, meaning it affects their overall development. Either one or two of the parent role, are naracisstic.

A healthy child usually wants to succeed and make their parents proud. Golden children take it up a few notches. They may present as anxious children early in life. Similarly, they experience immense anxiety and guilt when they fail to meet certain expectations.

Despite how a golden child syndrome usually develops in a child, it was a little different in this case.

Dottore's father did not give him lots of attention at all. Just like the insane, crazy doctor / scientist he is himself now, so was his father. His father was a mad man, a man who's experiments are more important to him than his own family.

The young boy often watched his father, watching experiments a young boy like him should not see. All his father's attention went to the experiments, did he have to do the same?

The young lad did various of things, but they all were helpless. Nothing made his father even look at him, heck not even at the dinner table they talked. However he didn't want to stop trying. He had to keep on going, so he thought.

His mother? Dottore was just 7 years old when his mother started to feel worse and worse everyday. So worse even she had no other choice but to rest in bed, having a doctor visit every week as her husband was no doctor, just a scientist who couldn't care less. Why did they even marry?

Dottore brought his mother meals every day - at least whenever a helpful aunt came over. Dottore pretty much looked up to the doctor that came over every week. Did he also become so clever and brilliant to maybe help his mother? He sure thought so.

Day and night the young boy spend hours of looking into medical books, learning anything he possibly could. Often would he fall asleep on the ground, all exhausted from studying. He wanted to help his mother.

Besides studying medical stuff and trying to do anything that would make his father give any attention, he'd also spend other day and nights to get the best of grades, always did he bring good ones home. Never would you see anything below 95 points. Dottore didn't even think about having friends, they only were in his way and annoying. He had no time for friends, he only had himself.

Everytime he brought good grades home, he would bring the paper to his mother. She was more than proud of him. „One day you'll be such a handsome man, helping out so many people.. You make your mother really proud..”the sweet voice spoke. He couldn't let his mothers expactions down now could he?

More and more years have passed. Years of studying, years of writing good grades, years of wanting his father to also be proud of him. Dottore was under a pressure of making his parents be nothing, he didn't want to be a good-for-nothing, - a pressure he put himself under. He just wanted to mean something to both of his parents. He wanted to be worth living. Something cracked in the mind of his.

One day, the boy came home in the cold times of the years but he had great news, he scored the best once more in a big test, wanting to share the great news to his mother. He hadn't seen his mother since yesterday, he was happy to see his mother again. „Mother! Mother! Look!”he said proudly as he ran upstairs, he didn't even put his backpack down. „..Mother?”he asked as he entered the room. He walked over to the bed and looked at his mother. Her eyes were closed, chest not rising nor sleeping. „...?” he gently shook his mother, having his hand on the mother's arm, he felt the coldness. The heater was on, how could she get so cold? It got him worried.

„Mother??”he asked loudly, keeping on shaking her till he heard it knock on the door. He put his test paper on the bed and walked downstairs. He opened the door, looking at who was knocking. It was the doctor, wanting to check on the mother as always. „Uhm Doctor.. I don't think mother is feeling well.... She's quiet and so cold..” he spoke. The doctor looked at him. „..?..”the doctor quickly walked upstairs, of course did the boy walk after him. Dottore stood at the door frame, watching the man.

The doctor stood there silently for a few seconds, shrugging a bit together as he suddenly left the room, walking downstairs. „Where's your father kid??” he asked. „I..don't know. He was suddenly gone one day 2 years ago or so..”he answered. „..what?? Then where's your aunt, let me call her, boy.”

Dottore didn't quite understand what was going on but he knew nothing good happen. He looked back at his mother. He walked up to her, climbing onto the bed and hugging his beloved mother. He brushed away the long dark blue hair. Silently, he sank his head on the mothers chest, closing those pure red eyes. He widened his eyes a little as he heard no heartbeat. „...Mother..”. What a shame, he was just supposed to turn 14 in a few days.

Many many more years have passed. While he grew up along his aunt, Dottore had not given up what he did before. Now he had to make his aunt all proud, now that he's the oh so poor failure that couldn't save his mother hm? At least he thought that way, again.

Now being proud 20 years, living on his own in a old lab, doing various of experiments no one would like to recall. He'd just become the madman his father once was. The word "failure" does not exist for him. He cannot be a failure once more, after all.. He's such a big genius. How could a hardworking child with a great smile go to a madman with a short temper who's plans cannot go wrong?

So judgemental the god of his homeland Fontaine, so the people. Fontaine's people were disgusted of the man, afraid of him, they wanted him gone.

Chased away with pitchforks, clubs and angry words, he took fled to the all famous Sumeru Academia where he continued his crazy studies and experiments. He had so many logical theories, yet no one wanted to hear them. One would not even like to look at him. He truly was sick of everyone, of everything.

Years later again, once more the man took fled. Next day awoken, the social reject's legs have given up. Falling into the sand, with a little lake aside, he took a look at his reflection. Half of his face had gotten burn scars, had the man's charm left his side too? Hand covering half the man's face, he remembered it all.

A night of a harmless experiment with potions and fire had kept the man awake. Yet, the man had been tired. Sitting at the table, where he rest his head on his palm, the man closed his eyes. Dottore silently listened to the liquid heating up under the hottest flames. Maybe him closing his eyes was a terrible mistake which he soon got to suffer for.

The liquid had been heated up too much, the man should've turned off the fire by now but he soon was about to reach the beautiful dream realm. Glass exploding and hot liquid splashing against half his face awoke the man. Quickly the man stood up and pressed the towel against his face, sharp breaths escaping, silent cries filling the room, free hand turning off the fire.

How foolish of him, hm?

The man shook his head and closed his eyes. A grip on his shoulder made the man turn around. „..Fatui?”

"Merely an enhanced human? If your great nation can furnish me with sufficient resources and ample time, I could even manufacture that which you would call a god. What say you?"

True indeed. First of the fatui has tracked him down. In the desert that shone bright like liquid gold, he inquired of the Snezhnayan diplomat:

"Will you treat me like the Academia did? Will you call me a monster, a madman?"

"Or will you treat me as my hometown did, and chase me away with pitchforks and clubs...?"

...

"Good. Then, we are now in partnership."

"As for the matter of your title — what do you say to this..."

Taken completely by surprise by the sheer irony of the title he was given, the young man burst into hysterical laughter.

If you'd know ask the man about his theories and experiments, shall you see a sparkle of excitement...

...

(Drawing of Dottore in the age of four. From right to left -> "Daddy" "That's me!" "Mommy")

#genshin impact #genshin impact il dottore #dottore genshin #genshin il dottore #dottore #il dottore #theory #genshin theory #this is just a theory #please let this get any attention #golden child syndrome #he may be a social reject but I can fix him guys!! 🤪🤪#i hope this makes sense #will anyone even read this #bye #will anyone care?

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thanksjro · 3 years

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

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COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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