#pro self harm

[ed-recoverry]

Credit

[xx-clin1cal]

<3 ninja fruiting my leg but the ITCHINESS my god.

[fight-nights-at-freddys]

Yet again. They sent this to a 16 year old who’s just chilling in pony town just bc they’re dressed up as Andrew from Tcoaal. What a lovely thing to get sent/s

[jokine]

can someone congratulate me for staying below my calorie limit?

i feel so happy with myself and i cant tell anyone except tumblr, i would love encouragement if any please✨🫶🫶

eta: if anyone wants to dm im open to !!! Id love some ed moots 💗💗

[styrostuff]

good morning, styrostuff nation

i just wanted to tell you all that today, i’m 50 days clean.

when i first started running this account, it would have been an incredible feat to make it to one day clean.

it’s possible to pull through :) it’s so fucking difficult but it’s so, SO worth it.

i still have a lot to work on mentally, and socially. but sometimes shit doesn’t work out the way you think. /pos

me and my fp (ex-fp??? idk) are friends again. i hope someday my attachment to them will be healthy. but for now, i have the consolation that i’m one of their closest and dearest friends and if i had a healthy attachment to them, our friendship would be really good for me. they’re a wonderful friend. i missed them a lot. they still want more space between us than we used to have, but i can live with that.

i don’t have to hide tools and first aid supplies anymore, or spend an unreasonable amount of money restocking. i don’t have to hide fresh wounds from my friends and family, or worry about scared looks from my friends if they accidentally catch a glimpse of open wounds. it’s summer, and i can wear shorts and t-shirts again.

watching my scars fade used to destroy me. but now that they’re healed to probably the fullest extent they possibly could be, they’re a reminder of a very dark period of my mental health that i still feel myself slipping into sometimes. but every split and episode i go into without s3lf harning is a step in the right direction.

i know many people in this community aren’t ready to recover, and i understand that. recovery is terrifying, recovery can be emotionally draining, recovery can be painful. my first two weeks fully clean this streak were some of the worst weeks of my life. but it paid off. it gets easier. the urges still happen, but they’re easier to ignore. i don’t look back at photos of my relapses and feel pride anymore— they make me feel queasy at the fact that i was able to do that to myself if i catch a glimpse of one in my camera roll.

recovery is so difficult. but it can be so wonderful.

[notevenherewtf]

Not gonna start working out til i’m sk1nny enough to tone up.

I hate moving when i feel like a whale.

I just want to ⭐️ve and sleep.

[immortalthunderstorm]

Aemond Targaryen and the Brothel Madam: A Case of Vulnerability? 

With the final trailer out and conversations running rampant, @liv000000 and I have been bouncing off ideas and theories on that Aemond shot and our thoughts on it. Obviously none of these are set in stone and need to be taken with a very sizeable pinch of salt as we don’t really have anything concrete to base it on, so a lot of this really is us just weaving scenarios together and trying to craft a narrative and character exploration based on a few crumbs.

Before we start off, we’d like to just say that we are not necessarily in favour of these. House of the Dragon has a history of often brushing over sexual trauma without giving those moments the recognition they deserve - we aren’t confident that this show is the right medium to accurately present such sensitive topics and that the writers really wish to do this in depth beyond victimisation and shock value. Neither is the fandom as we’ve now gotten to know it at large mature enough to accept and analyse these, especially if it involves a character they aren’t particularly fond of, as we’ve seen with the Alicent-Viserys rape scene or the ‘Foot Scene’ with Larys which got turned into a joke and yet again was squarely placed at Alicen’t feet as something that is somehow her fault and not the guy’s who was sexually assaulting her.

But, although we dislike the overall sentiment, we still want to try to make sense of it. 

We’re here to talk about this scene:

Some eagle-eyed fans have connected the hand holding Aemond here to the one of S1EP09’s brothel madam which he encounters with Criston Cole on their search for Aegon (there’s a scar beneath her knuckles that the actress, Michelle Bonnard, also has). For this analysis, we will pretend that this is confirmed.

For reference, we’re talking about this lady here:

A bit of background of what we learn of her and her ‘connection’ to Aemond:

“Aegon brought me to the Street of Silk on my 13th name day. It was his duty as my brother, he said, to ensure I was as educated as he was. At least that's what I understood him to mean. [...] He said, ‘Time to get it wet.’”

For his thirteenth nameday, Aegon took Aemond to the Street of Silk to lose his virginity, no doubt as a right of passage to essentially have him become a man, as fostered by Westerosi culture (we could write an entire other meta about this and Aegon’s perspective but won’t get into it here). Notice that Aemond expressed that he himself wasn’t sure of the advantage/purpose of this and just parrots what Aegon said to him without actively supporting this as his own opinion. It’s something he clearly didn’t really want to do himself but went along with because his older brother told him to.

Cole asks her about Aegon, while Aemond stands next to him, silent. At the end of the conversation, she says (flirtatiously):

“I wish you luck, good Ser. And my best to your friend. [to Aemond] How you've grown.”

This is personal, she recognises him. Was she the one to take his virginity? It seems likely. He clearly also hasn’t been back there since that day.

How does Aemond react to this?

He clearly still feels very uncomfortable around her even three years later, can’t maintain eye contact, shrinks away etc. This has no doubt ruined his perception of sex and engrained in his mind, the act of sexual intimacy is something unpleasant, humiliating, and potentially painful.

@darksvster also posted the script of this scene, which has Aemond ‘clearly shaken’ over being confronted with his abuser.

Since we know he hasn’t been back to the brothel since, him going there willingly now invites the presumption that this requires some sort of extreme trigger moment for him.

The two moments we’ll delve into for this are Blood & Cheese and Rook’s Rest, in which members of his family get hurt either directly or indirectly as a consequence of his actions. This also adds up with the leaks that the actress of the brothel madam is going to have a nude scene in either episode 2 (post B&C) or episode 5 (post RR).

Theory 1: Self Punishment

(we found this gif on Reddit, please let us know if you are or know who the original creator is and we’ll credit them)

In this shot, Aemond looks mentally defeated. His cheeks are wet, but he is not actively sobbing. He’s despondent and catatonic—empty. He also looks the most vulnerable we have ever seen him. His eye patch is off (something that we know from the book he rarely exposed on accounts of insecurity and ‘scaring the ladies’), he is naked and lying in a foetal position while someone (the brothel madam?) is holding onto his arm.

As we’ve explored how traumatic his first experience with her must have been, and how he was unwilling to even look her in the eye, much less seek her out for intimacy. This could be a form of utter self-punishment, a willing reenactment of the second most traumatic experience in his life. After B&C, he’d feel troubling amounts of guilt, so this is his way of putting himself through as much mental and bodily harm as possible. If this was about pleasure or comfort, it is doubtful he would go back to the woman who never gave him that feeling. Neither does his body language here show anything other than anguish. He’s partly disassociating.

There is also a theory floating about that rather than having 6 year old Jaeheara threatened with rape as in the book, this will be given to Helaena in the show (understandably so, as little Olive was only six at the time of filming).We could see the taunts being passed onto Helaena as her mother is tied up and can do nothing to help her, and it works just as well as it serves as humiliation to Aegon, as she’s his wife. In the shot below, Cheese has Helaena by the hair, very close to his body, and he’s delighting in her torment. This would hurt Aemond deeply, as he’s shown to be fond of Helaena and takes it upon himself to defend her whenever necessary. So, he’s essentially putting himself (guilty) to what his sister (innocent) was subjected to in his grief.

Theory 2: Emotional Incest

Emotional incest is a family dynamic that oversteps healthy boundaries between children and parents. It's a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult. The effects of covert incest on children when they become adults are thought to mimic actual incest, although to a lesser degree. It’s normally found in adults, but if you have people pleasing children (or parentification), they sometimes want to take on the role of the partner, rather than the child.

There are a few instances in this season, hinted at in the trailers and supported by the book, in which Alicent and Aemond won’t see eye to eye - she will not be happy with how he killed Luke and essentially ended all chances of peace. She also seems to advocate for caution and diplomacy alongside Otto whereas Aegon and Aemond will be out for revenge and full war. If we go by the book and Aemond also is the one to injure Aegon at Rook’s Rest, she will probably give Aemond the cold-shoulder after he’s willingly or unwillingly endangered his own brother. She’s shown to want to take the slow and diplomatic approach in this war, to avoid bloodshed as enough has been spilled, whereas her sons are eager for battle and war to get vengeance for the tragedy that has befallen them. She no doubt will give him an “I told you so” lecture, and Aemond will perhaps seek comfort, as he’s grown a twisted sense of his abuser after revisiting her in the brothel.

This adds to the theory that young Aemond chose the brothel madam specifically out of a need for comfort. In a situation like the one he was subjected to he chose a whore who at least looked like the person he feels safest around, his own mother who is a source of comfort for him and who he loves deeply. If that is the case, this paired with with the mental consequences of this encounter, it could develop into him being attracted to and seeking out women who remind him of her. This could also impact his later relationship with Alys Rivers.

We really dislike this, as much as it could make sense. Aemond is one of the few men in Alicent’s life who loves her without desiring or exploiting her, their relationship in season 1 was very soft and if the above is the case it adds a bit of a sinister and sexual note to a parent-child dynamic which so far has been relatively unproblematic.

[fa3zb0nez]

guys i need a better r@zor can y’all suggest some i’m hopeless 😭

[aftgficrec]

ack finally caught you guys open <333 thanks for all your work! I was wondering if you have any newer longer fics with realistic characterisation and writing (similar to profenity’s works maybe?) and also any non-fox Neil/andrew fics? Thank you!And sorry for the tall order;;🙏

You’ll find an abundance of non-fox andreil in our recent Staff Recs: Writers post. On our tags page under AUs, explore the shops and jobs sections or other themes from fantasy to band aus.

Fandom writer profenity is known for long, meaty explorations of canon characters and themes. Their ongoing WIP ‘The Unkindness of Ravens’ has more than 380k words and 12k+ kudos! Find it in this Raven!Neil to Fox ask under former writing name crazy_like_a. The author interacts with fans on tumblr @hopingforcoordinates. 

We’ve featured or referred to profenity’s ‘Lessons in Cartography’ and sequel ‘The Cartographer and the World’ in many asks. I’m listing some as a doorway to similar works. For something newer, try the Kevin-centric ‘A Falling Star’ series, featured here. If this answer seems cobbled together — it is. This is my subjective, limited attempt at catching lightning in a bottle. -A

check out other works in these asks that feature profenity’s ‘Lessons’ series:

must read fandom classics here

post canon continuation of The King’s Men here

Neil fights with Jack here

andreil exploring feelings, intimacy and sexuality here

in character andreil smut here

small selection of ‘not new’ recs:

‘Hold me close, in fact bury me’ and ‘Trust Fall (And Welcoming Arms)’ here

‘Black As Is The Raven, He’ll Get A Partner’ here

‘progress comes in small steps’ series here

‘Inked Truths’ series here

‘Baltimore Blues’ here

long recs for a return to fandom here

A Falling Star series by NikNak22 [Rated M/E, 245011 words, 3 complete works, Updated Nov 2023]

NB: the author credits inspiration to ‘To Be Certain We'll Be Tall Again’ by fullyvisible, featured here, now complete.

Part 1: Dead of Night (E, 101589 words) It’s Kevin’s senior year at PSU, and things are…okay. But that changes when a single question from a nosy reporter sends his life spiraling. The descent is slow and maddening – memories and trauma from his past weave together to form the image of the man that stands there today. As Kevin begins to look around him with a new and critical eye, though, he’s no longer sure that man is who he wants to be. So the question is - when faced with the truth, is it a case of Kevin finally getting what he deserves? Or is it about time to prove a lot of people (including himself) wrong? Aka the fic that’s all about Kevin Day.

tw: torture, tw: abuse, tw: child abuse, tw: rape/noncon, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: psychological abuse, tw: depression, tw: self esteem issues, tw: body dysmorphia, tw: body shaming, tw: bullying, tw: assault, tw: homophobia, tw: racism,  tw: self harm

Part 2: Darkest Before Dawn (M, 52365) “This is finally it, isn’t it?” Jeremy whispers. “Oui,” Jean says softly on Kevin’s other side. “I believe it is.” And for a moment, they look so lost. Just two little boys about to go out and face the big, wide world. So Kevin searches until both of his hands find one of theirs. He doesn’t look at them, though he feels their gazes on him. He just breathes deeply and closes his eyes. Then he squeezes their hands as he tells them, “I can’t wait to see what you’ll do next.” AKA the highs and lows of Kevin’s life after graduation and into the Pros.

tw: self esteem issues, tw: panic attacks, tw: minor character death, tw: implied/referenced assault, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders

Part 3: In the Light of Day (E, 91057) It’s been almost five years since Kevin graduated from PSU. Five years that he's played Exy professionally. Five years since he’s learned to live on his own. Five years after discovering he’s in love with his best friends, former USC Trojans Jeremy Knox and Jean Moreau. Five years since he’s figured out, they will never love him back. So, when Jeremy and Jean invite him to their house for Christmas this year, he knows this is it. It’s the finale. The last hurrah. The swan song. The final act. It’s time he lets them go, lets this foolish, one-sided love go, once and for all. But he might find this is harder than he ever expected.

tw: depression, tw: bullying, tw: self esteem issues, tw: body dysmorphia, tw: imposter syndrome, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders, tw: gaslighting, tw: ptsd, tw: dissociation, tw: implied/referenced abuse

[imperfection-circumspection]

ED Group chat

I'm thinking of making an Instagram group chat, if you wanna join us ask.

From ages 15-24

Meanspo only if asked

[juniemunie]

Very rushed, but happy birthday to our half-blood prince

[ed-recoverry]

Credit

[sophieinwonderland]

r/systemscringe found my post about imaginary friends! Reactions are exactly what you'd expect from the hate sub!

Don't worry @lxions, I assure you that the hate is mutual.

Anyway, let's put aside the reality of non-disordered systems for a moment and remind everyone that alters in DID and OSDD often manifest as imaginary friends in early childhood, as I recently discussed in the Plurality of... IF

From the DSM-5:

The problem with our current culture for children with dissociative disorder, a culture that treats "imaginary friends" as fake, as delusions, and things to be ignored and forgotten... is that it leaves children with dissociative disorders even more isolated and encourages them to view their alters as things to be gotten rid of.

Children with dissociative disorders are inherently setup by society to view their alters as enemies.

And you can't tell me that this doesn't contribute to the stigma. That this isolation doesn't contribute to the rates of depression and suicide among people with DID.

Yes, I realize that the trauma and abuse themselves are also big factors. But isolating children so they can't even talk about the other people in their head without being considered crazy, leading to them hating their alters, sure doesn't help matters.

We need to do better.

This is somewhat true. But not all abuse that causes DID is from the parents. And it's not always from both parents. And many children may end up being saved from abusive situations and placed with better families.

Even if their particular parents are like this though, normalization has other benefits.

If it's normalized for most parents, then it can be for teachers too. If a child feels safe going and opening up to a teacher and talking about the people in their head, that they consider imaginary friends, then it might make it easier for the teacher to pick up on red flags.

What a bizarre way to phrase this!

"I fear their children wouldn't develop DID."

Really?

Because I HOPE they wouldn't develop DID!

Imagine if getting to a child early enough and encouraging communication between headmates could prevent heavy dissociative barriers from forming! And actually, the longer you wait to address it and encourage that communication, the worse the symptoms will get! What if you could prevent DID this way, or at least reduce its severity, before it even forms?!

A child not developing DID is a weird thing for you to be afraid of!

Two Paths

As I see it, there are two paths for the future.

Down one path, nothing changes. Systems continue to be born into a world where plurals are treated as crazy, and having other people in your head is something to be stigmatized. This leads to isolation which leads to self-harm which in some cases will likely lead to suicide.

Down the other path, we actually try to change the culture. We normalize being able to talk about other people in your head. We educate people about plurality. And we show a willingness to accept the possibility of children being plural. We help foster communication with headmates of children and we set them up for a healthier life of plurality from the beginning.

These are the choices. And unfortunately, when given two choices, r/systemscringe will always opt for the choice that results in the most suffering for systems.

[fight-nights-at-freddys]

literally cannot stop drawing them <3 they are my favorite istg

[notevenherewtf]

Moots on insta anyone???? Dm me so ik ur from here cuz I wont follow back if idk u 😭 lmk if u wanna be in an 4n4 / sh gc on ig as well! I’d love a big support group for both :) (MEAN PPL & MINORS DNI PLZ!!!!!)

Insta - _0evee

[ssixely]

I gotta get back on track.

I consumed 675 c4ls already n I still gotta have dinner. Man fck my life. It's ok tho I did lots of excercise last night n this morning to make up for yesterday's 1k n I'm gonna do the same today.

Like promised I will have 2 scheduled posts tonight.

Also um, I might r3l4ps3 for s3lf h4rm today (after 2 months of being cl34n). I've never shared them w anyone but I'm wondering if anyone would want me to post pics ? Dunno. Def not gonna post if no one's interested.