#probably me just hallucinating again they probably arent actually back probably

[mikehasfleas]

Oh fuck the brain people are back 💀

[lunatic-fandom-space]

I just went for a walk and ended up thinking just a lil too hard about how I got really into Invader Zim at the start of the pandemic and would spend a lot of my free time after I finished the cartoon but before I got to reading the comic reading through the wiki and I remembered something that drove me insane back then and is driving me insaner now

The Almighty Tallests have names??? But theyre not actually on the wiki, if I remember correctly? and I have literally never in my life seen ANYONE in the fandom that acknowledges the fact that they do In Fact Have Names??

I dont actually remember their names rn, but I do remember how I found out they have them, basically; I was scouring a bunch of random pages on the fanwiki, I dont really remember why, but knowing me I probably wanted to know more abt Irken Lore or smth and I went to the one about the Almighty Tallests (i dont think it was the one about the actual characters but im not sure) and there was this piece of trivia at the very bottom of the page that was like "yea the credits of the very first episode have their names that arent just 'Almighty Tallest Purple' and 'Almighty Tallest Red'. we're not gonna say what they are tho" and

Again i have NEVER seen ANYONE mention it??? Do people even know about this??? Did I actually just hallucinate that?? Bc like, Ive seen tallest-centric fanfics and Im pretty sure they also just call them Red and Purple or they just make up their own (idrk bc I dont usually read those). Theres this really good fanfic on ao3, I believe its called 'A Parade Of Indignities' and part of what I really liked about it was the way it used more 'obscure' parts of the worldbuilding for its story, like the kind of stuff where you can clearly tell that the writer also spent a bunch time scrolling through the wiki, and they STILL only call them by Red and Purple and ??¿ ??¿? Bro

Idk man Maybe I need to check the wiki again

[if-the-crown-fits-translate-it]

Discord pt 82

[Date: 16/03, 08.05 PM GMT - 16/03, 08.23 PM GMT]

CONTENT WARNING: Mild body horror

[Direct continuation of pt 81]

Maxwell: “god im gonna have to take the towel of my head arent i....”

Jack the Observer: “do it”

fetch: “God can everybody shut up and quit making the panic worse you're scaring him”

Little-K1ng: “fetch, check his head for me? i cant see right now”

kateza: “max, no one is going to be angry at you, ok?”

fetch: “yeah lemme chexk”

Maxwell: “...okay...”

fetch: “yeah lemme see here

...

guys

oh my god guys

you fucking idiots

you scared him over nothing.

those "metallic buds" were literally just tangled locks of hair.”

Little-K1ng: “oh my goD haahha,, ow,, thats kind of hilarious”

Maxwell: “fetch.....”

fetch: “ohhh my fucking god

max its okay”

Jack the Observer: “i don't believe you.”

Maxwell: “no...”

fetch: “its nothing, you're fine”

Maxwell: “I'm not i know what i saw--”

Little-K1ng: “here, max. your hair is kinda straggly, when im feeling better, do you want me to help you style it a little? i dont know how you prefer your hair”

fetch: “max, trust me. the reason it hurts so much is because your hair is matting and its pulling on your scalp”

Jack the Observer: “no no no no no no n on ononono”

Maxwell: “fetch the light was glinted off it”

fetch: “your hairs been greasy, plus you got it wet in the shower”

Maxwell: “But theyre right there

I CAN FEEL THEM”

fetch: “yeah, you can feel your matted tangled hair”

Little-K1ng: “im gonna go put on some coffee,, if yall can stop yelling please”

fetch: “i promise you're fine. i had to deal with mats for a while, this is exactly what mine looked like”

Maxwell: “then mona would be able to see it

no fetch you have to look

behind my ears”

fetch: “I am looking.”

Little-K1ng: “ill help untangle it later when i feel better and the migraine stops sending shooting pains through my eyes, but it could be that max is just frightened from what he saw”

fetch: “and what I see is matted hair”

Little-K1ng: “can someone else help me measure these coffee grounds i cant see it properly :((”

Maxwell: “matted hair isnt gold”

fetch: “max, buddy. you've been having headaches and haven't been sleeping well, and the whole situation with the trial scared you. you're probably just seeing things.”

Maxwell: “i.....i know im not

THE PEOPLE AT MY SCHOOL SAW THEM”

kateza: “i mean we definitely shouldn't just be brushing him off”

fetch: “max, c'mon. it's fine”

Little-K1ng: “arent kids at your school like super mean”

[fetch: “max, c'mon. it's fine”]

Jack the Observer: “you're starting to sound like knight.”

kateza: “i believe max”

Maxwell: “they kept saying all day my hair was puffing out and right before I left one of my friends said it looked like I had something shiny in my hair”

kateza: “is there any way you can get like... a picture of them?”

Maxwell: “i-i can draw them”

Jack the Observer: “that would be lovely”

Raeva: “Did you touch them Max? Because you can't touch halucinations”

[Jack the Observer: “you're starting to sound like knight.”]

fetch: “don't you fucking dare compare me to him.”

Maxwell: “YES I CAN FEEL THEM”

kateza: “So they're something tangible”

Little-K1ng: “hey hey hey hey hey pleas e stop ye ll in g”

Maxwell: “here one momen t ima draw it”

Raeva: “Then he's telling the truth!”

fetch: “you're all just scaring everybody and making everything worse”

Maxwell: “crap sorry sorry sorry i didnt mean to yell please dont be mad”

fetch: “not mad at you, buddy”

Maxwell: “here here here”

fetch: “im just trying to get everyone to calm down”

Maxwell: “like little rose buds”

fetch: “yeah, dude, its matted hair. what you think are little leaves are just tangled bits”

Little-K1ng: “i dont have enough brain power to dedicate to it if fetch says its fine, but max? its alright that you're scared. im not telling you theres nothing there, im telling you to take care of yourself and understand that i am proud that you took the towel off to show us”

Maxwell: “i...thank you but please....why cant you all see it”

Little-K1ng: “i didnt look”

Little-K1ng: “i can feel the back of your head, but it just feels like some little hard chunks of something. it couldbe hair, it couldbe metal, but my senses are massively overloaded and i cant tell the difference”

Maxwell: “okay okay uh do you have a brush?”

Little-K1ng: “...i keep my hair short

kateza: “Mona's not feeling well so it's probably not a good idea to have her check”

fetch: “guys I can tell you that max is fine. nothing is wrong and all you're doing is scaring him so please just stop it so we can help untangle his hair

Jack the Observer: “no.”

Maxwell: “.....”

Jack the Observer: “please consider that you may be in the wrong.

please consider that you may be in the wrong.”

Little-K1ng: “jack, have you considered that maybe you'rejust as scared as max is? i didnt really meet syd, but i know you two were close”

Jack the Observer: “yeah, i am fucking scared. we've lost people to this shit before. it is better that Max is scared than that he gets taken."

fetch: “for fucks sake”

Jack the Observer: “it is better to be fucking safe than sorry. If anything, Crown's taught us that we can't trust ourselves.”

fetch: “we aren't going to fucking lose him

quit catastrophizing”

[Jack the Observer: “yeah, i am fucking scared. we've lost people to this shit before. it is better that Max is scared than that he gets taken."]

Little-K1ng: “correction, in this specific case. you've lost people to specifically this circumstance. it makes sense you would be scared for him, and i understand your struggle here. but i think we should calm down first”

Jack the Observer: “yeah, we won't if you fucking trust him about his own pain??”

kateza: “Would you rather not do anything and find out one morning that Max is gone? Or would you rather believe him, find out that nothing is actually wrong, and then move along?”

fetch: “FOR FUCKS SAKE JIST DROP IT.”

kateza: “... fine.”

Maxwell: “AH”

[Little-K1ng: “correction, in this specific case. you've lost people to specifically this circumstance. it makes sense you would be scared for him, and i understand your struggle here. but i think we should calm down first”]

Jack the Observer: “we. have. all. lost. people. to. this. you have lost Fetch twice.”

Little-K1ng: “please dont yell, fetch, fuckjing o w”

fetch: “EVERYTHING IS FINE YOU ALL ARE PANICKING OVER NOTHING”

kateza: “Sure, whatever. Don't blame us when Max is gone and Page is back.”

Little-K1ng: “fetch please”

Jack the Observer: “yeah, next you're going to tell us that we're "barking too loudly"”

Renboo: “fetch calm down everyones just worried”

Grimm: “Jack,,”

Jack the Observer: “...”

fetch: “fine. you wanna keep scaring the shit out of everybody over some tangled fucking hair, fine. i need to check outside anyway”

Raeva: “istg You don't just touch hallucinations but fine have it your way sorry Max we tried”

[kateza: “Sure, whatever. Don't blame us when Max is gone and Page is back.”]

Maxwell: “......

fetch wait...”

Little-K1ng: “fetch...?”

kateza: “i don't want you to get snatched again, max.”

dreaming: “fuck.. we shouldn't have be so aggressive, i just wanted fetcg to believe max..”

Marcus: “Why are you all yelling”

dreaming: “uh..”

Little-K1ng: “oh, hi Marcus”

dreaming: “who's gonna explain”

Maxwell: “....hi....”

Little-K1ng: “i thought you were sleeping, guess fetch woke you up”

Marcus: “When did I fall asleep what the hell I was just making breakfast”

Renboo: “fighting really doesnt ever get us anywhere-..”

kateza: “hi marcus, max found buds growing out of his head”

Maxwell: “.....”

[kateza: “hi marcus, max found buds growing out of his head”]

Marcus: “Really blunt today huh?”

Jack the Observer: “fetch is being. stubborn. and max is being honest for once only to immediately get yelled at. kinda frustrated about that.”

Marcus: “Don’t you think”

kateza: “We can't just dance around this”

Marcus: “Maybe max wanted a chance to tell me information

About his own wellbeing”

Little-K1ng: “yeah... i was gonna say”

Marcus: “Fetch just stormed out

Monas not feeling well

you’re all yelling

About someone’s personal information”

kateza: “...

sorry”

Marcus: “Mona go lay down”

kateza: “I'll just

go”

Marcus: “I got Max it’s okay”

Maxwell: “marcus....its fine...i would have had a hard time explaining anyway”

Little-K1ng: “((peace sign))”

[sydnee-kom-spacekru]

Isolation (John Murphy × Reader Part 5)

been trying to work on this for two days straight but it keeps running out and I keep getting interrupted...

I cant remember the timeline of the first season exactly, so I grouped some stuff together...

Warnings:

<<<>>>

"Four days. Speaking of..." She trails off, then leaves the room, coming back a minute later with a cloth full of something that smells amazing. "Here. Don't eat too fast, you'll get sick if you do. You're probably wondering what's happened, why we're building a wall around the camp. I'll catch you up." You nod, and take the cloth out of her hand.

You open it up as she starts talking and you start eating what looks something like beef jerky.

---

"Wow." You say in disbelief. A lot has happened. Grounders, the hanging, Octavia and Lincoln, Charlott, Wells. You hadn't known either one of them very well, but to have kids dire, even ones older than you, was a tragedy. Even worse, Murphy was wrongfully hanged for it, it was no wonder that he wanted revenge. You arent saying that she deserved to die, but you could understand Murphys hurt.

"Y/n..." She starts and you look over to her. She had taken a seat next to you sometime during getting you caught up. "You'll have to stay in isolation, you can't see anyone except for your guard. It isn't that you've done anything wrong, it's just that Bellamy, let's just say he isn't too fond of you. Long story short, he gathered a few of the hundred and tried to get us to leave you outside of the wall. I'm sorry. But, hey, the good news is, your new boyfriend tried to defend you." She wiggles her eyes at you when she said the last sentence, but you aren't focused on that.

"H- He tried to kill me?" You ask, you were hurt, to say the least. You felt your throat start to burn, then you realize what she said.

"What are you talking about, 'boyfriend'?" You don't leave much time for her to answer, because then you realize who she was getting at. "Oh my God, Clarke! I don't even like Murphy!" You roll your eyes, playfully shoving her.

"Oh really, how do you explain the glances between the two of you, or him not letting go of your Hand? He doesn't like to be touched, much less touch anyone else." She laughs.

That reminded you. "Wait, wait, ao you said he was banished, when did he come back?" You wonder.

"Well," she hesitates, not sure how to put this. "He volunteered to help guard you, is that alright? Because if you'd rather have women guard you, that's fine. He won't be banished, just put on lock down." She rambles out.

"Thats fine, whos the one on the other shift, then?" You knew that there was going to be someone on day shift and on night shift, if not, well, it wouldn't happen like that.

"Thats the good news, its Octavia. I put her on day shift since she's you two know each other, she requested to be put on one of your shifts. They'll switch every other week and change at 8 o'clock sharp. Come on, I'll show you to your room." You nod and eat the last of your beef jerky, then follow her down the hallway, and to a room.

It wasn't your room on the ark, covered in posters of old bands and movies, drawings you did, stuff that made it homey. But it was four walls, a roof, and safety. Which was something you weren't sure you would have down here. "You'll weave baskets, or something like that, until its safe for you. You will have a certain number to do a week, we'll bring you things to do for fun, also. You might be able to see some of your other friends too, it just depends." She pauses, thinking. "Oh! And your meals will be brought to you at eight, one, and eight again. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I think that's it. Goodnight, Y/n. I'll send Murphy in in about ten minutes. There's clothes In the corner." You nod a goodbye and get dressed, settling into bed.

---

It was more like an hour before Murphy actually came, claimed he had been wandering in the woods when Clarke found him. He didn't talk much, just murmured a goodnight.

After a while, you became drowsy, and tried to capture the illusive hallucination of sleep.

<<<>>>

Part 6 next. Didn't run out of words, but it's 2 AM

[bagelbite]

my thoughts on far from home

literally amazing oh my god. it is up there in my “absolute favourites” for both marvel movies and just movies in general. im just gonna word vommit my thoughts and then probably spam with other people’s posts lol.

!!!THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS!!!

- okay so the obvious: the cast. bruh i mean we all know that tom holland is incredible and everything, but i will say im a little bitter that everyone is acting like jake gyllenhaal is this “new” actor like hello he has be phenomenal for years like im glad hes getting the attention now because his performance of mysterio was literally god tier (he went completely feral with the role and it was amazing). also zendeya and jacob batalon are amazing but we weren’t surprised about that

- “you deal with the suit, i’ll deal with the music” its fine im not sobbing or anything

- THE HUMOR oh my gosh this movie is so funny like it perfectly captures the unmatched chaotic energy of a lovestruck-highschool-boy-that-is-also-a-superhero. like john watts does such a good job of shooting this movie so you never get to forget that peter is just a kid and he’s learning how to do everything and hes confused but trying his best

- it has all of these amazing action shots that just capture and demonstrate how capable peter is with his powers and athleticism and this movie actually shows the spidersense (or the peter tingle) in an AMAZING way like bruh i was sitting on the edge of my seat in those scenes

- i once again have to emphasize just how amazing jake gyllenhaal is in playing mysterio, as well as mysterio as a character. this is finally a marvel villian that isnt boring and forgettable, like bruh BRUH mysterio is amazing. and i love the fact that he is just a human. like he doesnt have any of these insane or threatening powers, hes just amazingly smart and borderline off his rocker. like he starts off and hes composed and thinks ahead for every possible option and he keeps himself in control, but slowly through out the movie you see him just go further and further off the edge to where he gets desperate and lashes out and doesnt care about the consequences. but then the mid credit scene reveals that even when hes dead and pushed to his end, he still had a plan to get back at peter.

- i love how in peters eyes, the other kid that was going after MJ (i forgot his name) was essentially as big a problem as literal global destruction like what homeboy

- even dead im the hero DONT TALK TO ME

- THE ENTIRE PART WHERE QUINTEN IS JUST TORMENTING PETER AND MAKING HIM QUESTION EVERYTHING BRUH like obviously that shit hurt (he literally had to watch mj “die”, saw his father-figure and mentor rise from the grave and come to attack him, as well as feeling completely helpless multiple times, thinking hes safe when fury shoots quinten but then it reveals that it was just an illusion to only further that he cant trust anything he sees)

- he literally got his by a train can this boy please get a break hes like sixteen

- omg im gonna cry thinking about the part when happy came and peter was so relieved and then the trauma of the hallucinations came back and he immediately put his guard back up and was ready to fight or run if it wasnt happy, but then he just completely breaks down when he realizes that hes safe

- HAPPY IS ONE OF THE MOST UNDERRATED CHARACTERS IN THE MCU!!!!!! this man was there for tony’s entire journey and helped him every step of the way and he genuinely cared for tony as a friend and platonic companion, and he had to watch his best friend die. and then he watches the “adoptee son” of tony go through a very similar journey, but years sooner than tony ever had to deal with it. and he watches peter doubt himself in the same areas tony did, but now hes been through helping tony so he knows how to help peter too. idk man i love happy and i get mad when hes forgotten

- we arent even going to talk about all of the similarities between peter and tony like ow ow OW OW OW

- one question, the multiverse is fake right? bc quentin technically faked it right so that means it isnt real? i hope its not real tbh bc that would make stuff even messier than it already is

- tbh i didnt really like fury being talos in the end but idk we’ll see what they do

- THE MUSIC HOW HAVE I NOT MENTIONED THAT YET BRUH THIS SOUNDTRACK IS INCREDIBLE

- okay i was shook at how much character depth they were able to give flash in literally like a few seconds. 1) when they were being picked up at the airport he was greated by a butler or bodyguard or something and he says “could mother not make it” and 2) he looked genuinely effected finding out that “spiderman watches my instagram?!”. both of these show you that he is truly just a kid that is ignored and left behind by his family and he is desperately seeking attention from anyone he can get it. and it doesnt excuse his aggressive behavior towards peter, but it does explain it

- again on the filming style and director choices, i loved how they filmed quentin’s big reveal plan like a “brooklyn 99 introduction” as i saw it so perfectly describe by @universe-exe

- PETER HAD HIS WHOLE IDENTITY EXPOSED which like lets be honest it was coming this boy can never keep his mask on but still it should have been on his own terms AND ALSO IT WAS DONE IN A WAY THAT FRAMES HIM AS BEING THIS MANIAC VILLIAN LIKE BRUH AND WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT MOVIE TO FIGURE OUT LIKE WHAT WHAT WHAT IM FREAKING OUT

- as much as i love how whump filled this movie is, i feel so bad for peter. he has only been a superhero for a handful of years and he has been through SO much like can this boy please just go to school and be a high schooler. like if this keeps up at this rate, he will literally be peter b parker from spiderverse in a matter of years

but yeah those are my thoughts and im hurt i love this movie so much like bruh im seeing it again tomorrow and i will be buying it as soon as possible i love it so much

[normal-thoughts-official]

I hate dark magnus, but the amount of pain he'd have to go through to get to a point where he'd even consider hurting people? yes. delicious. visions that are scarily real of his loved ones being hurt because of him? of him hurting them? magnus not knowing what's real anymore? visions of alec tormenting him, with someone else or worse, coming to save him only to be killed off in horrific ways when magnus gets his hopes up.

of course when he's actually rescued he lashes out because he thinks it's another trick, only to break down when he realises it isn't because he really is a monster then isn't he? like in the visions he's hurting his loved ones and it's just a huge mess. oh and cat obviously comes instead of lorizard.

i mean i wouldnt say that counts as "considering hurt people" but hoo boy i do love me some "somehow being forced to watch their loved ones die/hurt and it's their fault" angst tbh. especially for Magnus and like how hard he always tries to save everyone, no matter what it means for himself? how responsible he feels for pretty much everyone and everything, how hard he tries not to hurt or burden others? hoo man. im unsure what exactly is the scenario here but I'm picturing you mean like edom hallucinations and hhgggh. like Magnus is just there, dreaming of somehow making his way back to earth, to safety, probably not even considering Alec rescuing him because why would he? he very clearly didn't think anyone was coming for him in canon and things going terribly wrong, him being possessed, hurting alec, hurting raphael, hurting madzie.... him becoming the monster his father always said he was meant to be and killing them, watching them die, or going back only to find they dont remember him, being lonely and tormented and abandoned and in so much pain, watching them die, watching himself hurt them... and he starts lashing out at the hallucinations, sending balls of fire at them to try and get them to leave his head, until one time it's real, alec's there, and Magnus is just screaming I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE and sends a cannonball blasting that hits him straight in the chest-

and alec's fine, it wasn't anything deadly, just enough to kind of send the hallucination in a puff of smoke, or remind himself that they arent real because they dont react, but this time he feels it hitting Alec and sees him flying and hitting a wall, and hes so terrified, because it's come true, and he's hurt Alec, and he just runs and cries and fusses over him asking if he's okay, I'm sorry I'm so sorry i never meant to hurt you Alexander, im so sorry, so desperate he can't even tell that Alec is fine, he's okay, he doesn't even mind, hes just so happy to have Magnus back and he's used to a bit of pain, this is nothing he can't handle, and he holds Magnus and goes, it's okay, Magnus, it's okay, I'm okay, are you okay? and Magnus can't stop crying because hes so terrified, and up until the moment when they get back to earth he's still not sure this is not an hallucination, that he's not gonna snap and hurt him or watch him die, or.... and it's just terribly painful and once they are home Alec holds him and kisses his forehead and tells him it's alright, and he has terrible nightmares, nightmares where he's back and being tormented again, but he wakes up, and he's fine, and he reaches out for alec, and he's there, and he holds him until he relaxes and calms down, and eventually he can have dreamless sleeps again, and slowly things get back to normal and he finds a therapist cuz my boy deserves it okay

[ihavenoconsistentname]

Ignore me while I spill out some of my triggers randomly I don't know I've never actually like,, said all of them?? I'm not doing it now for any particular reason I'm just rambling a lot right now so this is adding to that I suppose, plus I guess I like getting things off my chest in random text posts you dont have to read all this if you dont want and it could have triggering elements so I'll try to tag whatever triggers I feel like I might wanna tag just in case and if theres any I missed tell me

So yeah random triggers or things I just generally dislike because of past experience or some sort of effect they have on me (by the way I'm not 100% certain of why some of these bother me they just do I dont wanna say its trauma because I dont think anything here would be considered trauma-worthy?? In my case, that is);

Anything about needles going into skin or veins,, aaaaa,,, anything with talking abt that makes me feel uncomfy and last time someone made me think I would have a needle stuck in my vein for a blood test I had a panic attack (my boyfriend kinda told me I was a pussy for getting so worked up about it :( dont do that to people pleaaase,, different people are uncomfortable abt different things even if you dont see it)

Loud noises aggravate me if its multiple people being loud and obnoxious when they shouldn't be or just don't need to but it's only bad if I'm in a space that isn't too vast and that I can't just leave like a classroom where people are being loud. I wouldnt say that itself in general is a trigger but;

Sudden loud noises and repeated ones like banging on a desk or something can be a trigger for me, loud noises like that make me jump and mess with my anxiety plus I have paranoia so if it's truly out of nowhere I might feel anxious (one of my classmates bangs on desks a lot and its loud plus he sits near me in the two classes where he does it often and it really bothers me)

People showing me too much affection or showing it in a certain way when I either don't know them well enough or they just have a totally different personality than what I'm used to/comfortable with,, it makes me feel uncomfortable if a person like that would touch me at all or do something like send me a lot of heart emojis (example of something someone has done and I felt really uncomfortable because they did it a LOT)

People pretending to hit me or making it seem like they will, this one is more of a trigger because my grandma used to hit me for no reason (idk if you would consider that abuse?? I never describe it as that because I dunno it doesnt really seem like it) so sometimes if people make sudden movements near me I get scared that they were gonna hit me and if they actively try to hit me/act like they will it can give me a panic attack (like I said with the thing about my grandma plus my sister has threatened to hit me a lot so I've always been afraid of that)

People touching me when I either tell them not to or they don't get permission and they arent someone I trust or am close to,, one hug might be okay but after that I won't feel comfortable with it (another example of something someone has done!! I told someone not to touch my hair and they did anyway, I'm only okay with my very close friends doing that!!)

In addition to the touching thing, people touching me in certain areas like I dont want people touching my face, hands, chest area, or anything like that unless they've gotten my explicit permission, someone once put their hand on my chest and tried grabbing for my binder when I told them I was trans and do I even need to say how that crosses the line??

People I'm not friends with calling me certain things, not just things that could be insulting but also pet names or calling me a child,, someone irl referred to me and Alic as "children" and yeah we basically are I guess but I dont want people calling me that, only my friends can call me that?? But other than that you would need my permission to call me certain things if we arent close or friends, you are allowed to call me stuff like kiddo or a non-threatening "kid" if you want, it wont bother me, you just cant like call me random things and expect me to be cool with absolutely anything

Drunk people,, I guess that could be a bit of a trigger because of a couple things; a) my sister and her friend were drunk once and her friend repeatedly tried kissing me and I was so damn uncomfortable with it and felt violated, I still feel that even if it was like, I think last year?? I dont remember, but b) one time my sister was drunk (again) and she picked up a knife and starting coming near me with it and I started panicking telling her to stop but she kept following me with it and I was honestly afraid she would stab me, it wasnt a big knife but I was still afraid

This one is less general but when people upset teachers,, my first period teacher Ms Hamilton has her daughter Catherine sub for her when shes out and a few students make her mad a lot by not doing what they're told and she yells really loudly, which is a bit of a trigger for me circling back to the loud noises bit, I'm really afraid of when adults yell around me even if it's not yelling AT me, partially because loud noises scare me anyway and also I think it's because my dad would yell at my sister a lot because she would argue with him and that always made me come close to breaking down because I couldn't get out of the area where it was happening

Something that makes me uncomfortable is people who will try to text you often every day because I'm so bad at socializing and barely ever have good responses so when they text me too much I feel too obligated to text back and it stresses me out, only one person has done this (they also violated my touch boundaries and did the uncomfortable affection thing) and I ended up just ghosting them after a while because it was too much for me, I know that's weak but I work differently

Trigger for my paranoia is unsettling images that are just an overly creepy visual, some things I cant even describe why they creep me out, but it easily can trigger my paranoia and I hallucinate sometimes seeing creepy shadows and those things can add to it or give me anxiety so yeah I cant be sent creepy images like that,, not like gore stuff I can look at that it's just a certain kind of unsettling

Random thing I dont like sometimes is adults telling young people to act their age because typically they say it to people who are like 13 and 14 and at that age you cant expect them to be very mature yet?? Plus some of them actually do act more mature and then other adults will try to argue that they're just kids so they dont actually understand when they're speaking logically so what the hell do you want, for them to act their probably immature age or for them to act older?? Pick one and stick with it instead of adjusting it constantly for your own arguments or instead of saying act your age just say not to act like a kindergartner or not to act like a dunce or to behave better

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[dwindlingashesburnt]

"Secrets" vs Secrets

I tell myself I'm an open person who tries to, and wants to, discuss stuff about myself and preferably receive the same from others. But I don't, not really, I share "secrets" but not secrets

I share, for example, laughing as though it's funny, how I and H never really talked until A joined the group. How A made our friendship group work

I don't share how scared and jealous I was. How I didn't know A well, and was divided between being angry on her behalf for her shitty ex-friends, or angry at her, because H was the only one I had even if at that point we barely counted as acquaintances, and I was really scared A and H would go off and I would be alone again. Or how, at times, I thought H was better than A or vice versa and wanted to be friends with one of them and the other to leave. How sometimes I felt so guilty for that. How sometimes I didn't feel guilty for it at all, but knew I should, and wondered if that made me a bad person

I share how I feel like when I'm alone with Iz, we both become really awkward and never really manage to have a decent conversation alone. I don't share how I sometimes get caught up in the differences, because I worry they mean we're not as close or I won't act as though we're as close as Iz believes us it be, because I struggle with how little she talks about deep feelings, how she isn't a fan of physical affection, but am equally aware that just as I feel as though she's failing to speak my language on those levels, I'm just as highly aware that I'm utterly failing to make hers when she makes jokes or comments, and sometimes I don't understand them, or I understand them literally but can't tell if that's what she means, what she may mean if the meaning isn't that literal. I'm overly aware that in my admittedly limited circle of about 6 friends,she's the only one who isn't white, and I'm overly aware of my stupid lack of knowledge there and the subconscious tendency for me to be slightly racist and not even realise for a long moment, and how I try to fix that, but maybe not hard enough? What if she picks up on it? What if I fuck up badly and say something awful? I'm a pathetic coward for not being able to address her about this to her face, I know, but I equally fret that if I did force myself to tell her this or ask her to call me out if I do mess up, that this may be overstepping a line - I know for example that many lgbt people get angry when people ask a lot of questions in a poor manner, for acting like they have no choice but to sit there and be a source of information instead of a person. Does the same apply here? Would I be doing that to Iz? I do not want to hurt her. As much as I don't understand her, I like her, I consider her a friend...I feel awful for thinking about her like this. I don't know how to fix this, or if it needs fixing - maybe as far as she's aware, there's nothing wrong except mild awkwardness, and I just need to fix my issues on my own time. I don't know

I share how I don't really want to go to the school counsellor or whatever because I don't think they address such serious stuff, I have always been given the impression that they address things like exam stress and bullying only, and that even then they dont address it very well it seems. I share how I'm worried things would get back to my mother

I don't share how I'm also afraid it would get out to my friends, the decent people in my family, the school. I don't share that I'm afraid if I went, the counsellor would write everything I say down and then take it back, report every word to my mother, my abuser - and I'm aware this is in all likelihood a ridiculous fear but it is a real fear to me. I'm scared that, even if no specific information got back to my parents or family, they may be informed/find out I'm going to counselling at school, if not why or anything - and I hate and fear the idea of that. I don't know HOW I'd get to see a counsellor at school, meaning I'd like to have to go via teachers and leading staff, meaning many of the staff would know. I don't want them to know. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want it. I'm scared I'd go to it, and the counsellor would either tell me nothing was wrong with me and send me away without help, or tell me far far more is wrong with me than I think there is and make me have to confront that. Or they'll tell me it's something entirely different from what I expect, or they won't be what I expect, or they'll call me out on my redirecting, or they'll look at me and say okay. You've told me all your problems - you've revealed you know what they are, often why they are, you've considered what you could do to solve them. What have you actually done to try and solve them? And I will be forced to look right at them and say I have done nothing, or as good as nothing. Because it is true, as much as I like to claim otherwise. I could do so much more.

I share little about how I used to be so convinced supernatural stuff was happening, how some things my sibling said seemed to match up. How unsure I am about hat was telling happening, in hindsight - was it real, dream, hallucination, daydream? I was losing time at that point in time - was I passing put for some reason, or just forgetting, or what? I half convinced myself at the time it was linked to supernatural - was this my way of covering up what didn't make sense to me? I know this was a time where I was increasingly reliant on "thought processes", as far as I know faced no physical danger but did face immense emotional stress constantly - I was convinced I could be killed any moment - and I was losing time and it felt like I was slipping out of control and then there was that night where I was not in control of my body. But someone else was and I could hear their voice and a sliver of their intentions without a full view of their big picture and I remember screaming panicking flailing at the back of my mind while at the same time, at the same time I was them and I was drifting and idle and my smile was unnatural and felt wrongwrongwrong and I was looking for the key to the window, and so too was I my body just empty, just moving, while these two within were in conflict, and I remember finally a voice, a third that was not mine or theirs, and it made them retreat, and I was in control, and I was shaking and felt like I was in shock afterward. The dreams, too. How I have wondered for a while now whether, at that stage, had DID. If that was even a possibility, or what could have caused it to happen - whether, if I did have DID, if that means that there is bad stuff I dont remember still? Wondering whether it even matters now, as I seem not to lose any time now, as I seem to have somehow fixed it. Wondering if, if I did have it, maybe I didn't 'fix it' - maybe I'm still losing time and whoever may or may not be in my head with me just got better at hiding information that would indicate as such for the sake of the system being healthy. Wondering how close I pushed myself to that stage with my refusal to deal with anything, whether if I do or did have DID, how much of that is/would be my fault. During that night I had been messaging an online friend the whole time, even when it didn't exactly feel like it was me typing - I want to discuss it with him, badly. I wonder if he remembers. I wonder if he actually knows or realises what had been going on - how, although in retrospect I realise I probably would have been unlucky to even break an ankle, I had been so scared they would find the key and open the window and jump and I would be dead with no prescense more than hysteria trapped in my own head and watching. How I sat there afterwards and a while after, when it had processed, I felt trapped and scared - so terribly scared - and desperate and actually...rather bitter or angry. Because this was a time where I felt my control and free will were practically non-existent, self harm used to make me feel I had control but then people took that from me, so that night...When that person took control and seemed like they were aiming to commit suicide, they took the last two things I felt belonged to me - my mind, and my death. I was angry and scared and desperate, and I felt so trapped I wanted to scream because it felt like everything was closing in on me so tight I wanted to rip my skin right through and climb out of it, I could barely breathe, and I'm not sure but I think I had a panic attack then (?)

I share little bits about this, but not the full extent of it - I don't DO enough and that scares me. I'm scared I'll end up alone and starving and useless because I don't do enough to socialise with the people I hace,p or nake new friends, or learn to cook or naythibg else I need. I frequently struggle even to get the things I WANT done. I'm scared there's simething wrong with me.

I have no sense of time. I don't know why - when I searched it was suggested this could be part of being subject to emotional abuse and gaslighting, depression, or dissassocitation. I know the first two are relebent to me, I don't know about the other two but I'm fairly certain if thet arent relevent now then they used to be. I struggle with things because of this - I can't tell what happened when, Ive literally said that something that turned out to have happened less than two weeks ago happened about two years ago, and vice versa.

I have massive issues with control: I make decisions either to comply entirely with what people suggest/order or do the exact opposite of what is suggested/ordered, far far far more than I actually judt make the desciison that I want or seems sensible, meaning I effectively dont have control over my decidions. I constantly lose the battle agaunst my own mind. I go into exams every day absolutely exhausted because whenever Im at all stressed, my automatic response is to deprive myself of sleep in order to prive to myself that Im in control, that I wont heed the orders of any people I know, society, or my own fucking body if it disagrees with me. But this is one area where Im veey very very wrong, especually since despite my tendency to deprive myself of sleep, I function awfully on even as much as 5 or 6 hours sleep - it makes my brain fuzzy, I function on autopilot, I strugfle to tune in or concentrate or eat......and of course thsi makes me feel out of cobtrol, so I sleep even less

I struggle to distinguish between what i genuinely want, and what are self destructive thoughts. For example - hypnosis - is this self detsructive of me or not? I don't know. I know when I used to be obsessed with the idea of bdsm, that was self destructive, tying together things I wanted and things that would harm me badly in all sorts of ways together - now I'm still attracted to incredibly specific ideas of powerplay, but I camt figure out if thats a genuine want Ive separated from all he rest, or just the new disguise my self destructive tendencies are now wearing. Same with ideas of sex - explicit references to sex, as in acyual genitals an dstuff, makes me feel uncomfortable, grossed out, unsafe, nervous. But I like stuff that is intended to be expicit or pornographic - but stays almost entirely as mental games, and feelings, no physical stuff or sex stuff please. But wheres the line here? I don't know.

(This is tmi but sometimes I get really frustrated, and feel very alone and angry and ashamed....because with vague stuff like I mentioned, I enjoy it, I get pretty aroused, it's good. But if I try to deal with it, like masturbate or anything, it ruins it because then I feel gross and unsafe and very much like I want to cry. So although I want to be able to enjoy myself sexually, it inevitably ends either in failed masturbation making me want to cry, or in me eventually losing interest in the activity but my body fails to correspond properly so I'm forced to be there, struggling to distract myself from how my body is still aroused, and feeling increasingly ashamed and self pitying and stupid while that's happening. Neither are good and I hate it because I know I can like, feel all hot and nice and stuff, but there is no way i can have that without it ending in misery one way or another. And of course both make me feel very distanced from my body, inevitably making me feel very very insecure)

I used to age regress. Not sexually, but just...to deal with things. Because my problems are generally big, overwhelming and complex, I was able to put them in the box of "grown up stuff" in my head, and it wasnt the same as repressing it or ignoring it - it was still very much there, and I was very much aware of it, but it just didn't register as important to me while in 'little space', which meant I was able to relax, feel safe and happy and vulnerable without fear for a few hours, and then I could gradually ease myself back into opening that box up again and be able to deal with all of it in a much better fashion because I would be so much calmer, with a clear head.

Except obviously, when i was in little space I acted childishly. Not overwhlemingly so, I don't think? But I'd speak weird, and be very overenergetic and stuff, and I'd be a bit jsut different. Problem was....I had nobody to take care of me when I was in little space, and nobody made me feel safe to even be around - even if they didnt know what was happening, some people like my mother were deliberately cruel about my acting immature and whatever, some friends just...questioned it a lot and asked me to calm down a lot, and some theoretically were absolutely okay with it but just seemed so obviously to be humouring me......It upset me a lot to get that sort of reaction in little space when I was so much more vulnerable emotionally. And it just...escalated. very quickly, the constant mantra of "they hate me they hate me they hate me why am I here I shouldnt be doing this they hate me they hate me" had infiltrated my little space as well as my normal life and I could no longer just file it away in the "grown up box" for an hour or three

I tried only age regressing on my own, but as a kid I was afraid of being alone, and now I'm afraid of being alone, so ultimately all it did was make me feel helpless, incredibly lonely and put me in a state emotionally vulnerable enough that what I would normally get over fairly easily quickly had me hysterical. I also started losing control of going in and out of it? Easing myself in and out of it was vital for it to actually help me, but I started rapidly falling into little space as I became more and more distressed and panicky and miserable in normal life, and equally (largely due to other people, but then after due to my own emotions) started crashing after little space instead of gradually easing out of it - which not only undoes any and all good that little time may have done, it also makes me feel unsafe, empty in an awful way, miserable, and overall awful.

Eventually I stopped regressing at all

And that made me pretty miserable - because while i found other ways to solve issues, I lost the ability to just put it on pause for a while. I almost never am able to relax, I sometimes relax more than other times, but when I stopped regressing I lost the only time I felt safe enough to relax COMPLETELY. And while I know at least some of my friends and family love me unconditionally, and are proud of me, feeling it is another thing entirely - and when I was little I was absolutely certain on that, and that carried over into normal life giving me confidence. Now i don't have that.

The other day A, me, an english teacher and a classmate were discussing stuff in class, and it somehow got onto people who identify as an age (??? Never heard of that before and personally think it makes no sense, but anyway) and that led onto age regression as a method of coping?

I spent most of that part of the conversation feeling like I wanted to participate, but equally wanting not to sound too passionate or knowledgeable because he was there, a TEACHER was there, and I could feel A's eyes on me, god I was so aware of A and so terrified she'd turn around and say she hated me.

But. But that conversation made me want it again, and feel sad about it because I know I can't- like literally, I cannot, it's been plagued with bad stuff enough that I don't feel able to and I'm constantly so incredibly tense and feel do unsafe I cannot relax enough to slip into little space and haven't been able to for probably two years, but i have no idea, because as previously mentioned I'm crap with time. It also made me kinda wanna mention the fact that I used to do it to my friends? Idk

I'm just. I'm very very aware that while I want to be, and lie to myself saying I am, an open person, I'm aware there's a lot of stuff I keep quiet (thid is oh so little of it) and what's more, I lie about the little things. CONSTANTLY. So. So I'm a fake.

I just....I don't know

I don't know what more to write

[mentallyrecovering]

hi so i saw in one if your posts that there is confusion on what mania/hypomania is and that it made it seem like if someone who wasn’t bipolar even considered the possibility of it they were a bad person because they didn’t have the right info? Many people are misdiagnosed frequently because of conflicting symptoms or not enough information but that is in no way their fault.

(I’m putting this at the beginning as well as the end in case you don’t wanna read all this. But I’m sorry that I offended you and I did make the original post out of haste and frustration. I’m open to self advocacy and am here for questions on bipolar disorder. I didn’t mean to offend I’m actually nice and open to everyone. Message me or send more asks for more questions.)

I wasn’t talking about being misdiagnosed I know between BPD and bipolar there is a 40% misdiagnosis for the BPD folks to be bipolar. I was talking about the self Dx people who thinks it’s trendy to be manic and post in the bipolar tag about how manic they were so they cleaned their room and then took a nap or some crap like that. I know it’s hard to get a professional diagnosis and I sympathize with people who can’t afford it. I am very lucky to be professionally diagnosed. But also you can suspect you have bipolar if your symptoms align but again you preferably need a professional to diagnose and give meds.

I made that post after browsing the bipolar tag and saw people posting about how they were manic and were productive for the day or how they were “manic in the morning” but went back to “fine” later. I wasn’t trying to be mean or anything but as someone who does get hypomanic it irks me that people use the word manic loosely. It’s horrible to go through and caused me legal issues and for people to just causally say “oh I’m manic lol”.

If you aren’t hypomanic for 4 days with symptoms lasting nearly all day for 4 days or mania lasting all day for 7 days then you ARENT bipolar. I’m sorry that’s in the DSM. And if you’ve never been hospitalized while manic because of delusions/hallucinations then you probably aren’t bipolar 1.

Yes BPD can mimic bipolar symptoms but overall the mood swings last 1-2 days with BPD so it’s easy to tell if it’s BPD or bipolar. The 40% misdiagnosed BPD to bipolar rate comes from shitty doctors being shitty.

If you wanna self Dx that’s fine but follow the DSM criteria and if you wanna throw around the term manic for funsies that’s not fine! That hurts real bipolar people diagnosed and undiagnosed. People just throwing out there “oh I cleaned my room at 3am lol must be mania” are the reason bipolar is used as a slang term for moody people or anyone who doesn’t have consistency in emotions.

Again hypomania lasts all day every day for 4 days and mania lasts all day every day for 7 days. And that whole time you are manic/hypomanic you have a consistent emotion you aren’t going up and down.

If your mood swings last 3 or less days and you go up to down to up to down you probably have BPD or ADHD or CPTSD

I’m sorry I offended you I made that post rashly and didn’t think things through. I’m open for discussion and support self advocacy and am open for questions. I shouldn’t have Been so mean on that post so I’m real sorry anon.

[groundramon]

Honestly i like how that one ace dis/course post i posted, about not all asexuals being cishet (which is obviously true), instead of people saying “yes I agree regardless of my opinion on the discourse”, I got two people asking where (one of them asked nicely though), and two people (one of which also asked where, but in a denying sense as opposed to a legitimate question) saying “um ace people arent oppressed sweaty :)” even though literally my point wasn’t that ace people are lgbt, its that not all asexual people are cishets, and one of the people who was saying ace people werent oppressed straight-up proved my point by calling us late bloomers and, again, calling us fucking straight.  No ace ex/clusionists would put aside their opinion and say “yes I agree” and if that isn’t telling idk what is :)

I thought there were good, non-a/phobic ace ex/clusionists out there but that belief is getting really fucking tested.  And miss me with that “but im asexual and an ace ex/clusionist!!!” shit because asexuals can be a/phobic just like gay people can be homophobic and trans people can be transphobic.

Also putting in slashes because im fed up and i dont think im going to post in the ace dis/course tag anymore because i dont want to debate this with people who dont care about asexuals anymore.  I’ve seen plenty of proof to back up my opinions and despite keeping open ears, almost every ace ex/clusionist i talk to talks to me in a dismissive way.  Yes I say dumb shit but when approached i try to be as nice and understanding as possible, and I ask legitimate questions and prove my points with evidence instead of resorting to common ace ex/clusionist rhetoric.  I think I remember having...one good interaction with an ace ex/clusionist in this tag?  One.  And even then I dont remember if im hallucinating it or if it actually happened because my memory is shit.  All the others have been dismissive and i felt on edge during the entire debate.  I dont need you to suddenly convert for me to feel like we had a “good” interaction, I just need you to acknowledge when I have a point instead of ignoring all my good arguments and going after the one paragraph where I misspoke because im a fucking idiot and i make mistakes like that.  And I mean, I dont think I’ve had /bad/ interactions per say either (except the anon who came into my inbox calling me a straight cis girl, that was fun lmao) but i dont like stressing out because i feel like someone hates me just because i wanted to debate with them.

I’m tired of my identity and people like me being made fun of in the LGBT+ community.  I could care less if you’re an ex/clusionist, but there’s so much rampant a/phobia going on in the ace ex/clusionist side and all you guys do is ignore it or defend it.  I’m tired of asexuals being dehumanized and I’m tired of ace ex/clusionists posting negativity in the ace positivity tag - which to be fair, i think I mightve seen an ace ex/clusionist say not to do that last one, but I still cant remember for sure and that’s just one example of aphobia out of many that i saw called out.  We’re more invisible than a lot of LGBT+ identities, and yet you think it’s okay to make fun of us in the one area where we ARE acknowledged?  What the fuck?

And if you’re an ace ex/clusionist who somehow found this post, please dont say anything unless you’re willing to debate and promise not to have any bad feelings towards one another unless like....it turns out im an actual homophobe or something.  I’m tired.  I’m tired of my identity being mocked.  I’m tired of defending my experiences and the experiences of my fellow asexuals.  I’m trans, I should feel welcomed in this community, and yet its not the TERFs that are making me feel unwelcome, its YOU.  I’m not saying ace ex/clusionists or even aphobes are as bad as TERFs, but I’ve felt a lot more isolated from this community for being an ace/aro than being nonbinary.  If you’re an ace ex/clusionist and you’re interested in the proof I have backing up my side then I’d be happy to give it to you, but not on this post.  Send me an ask, or something, and if you want me to post it privately just tell me.  But not here.  Not now.  Not tonight and probably not for a few days.

I’m tired.  I’m so tired.  I’m so fucking tired.  I know I’m the one who posted in the ace dis/course tag but I’m not going to anymore.  I’m tired of debating with hostile people who act like they know everything and that their opinion is superior to mine.  Because at the end of the day, ace inclusion is an opinion - now its arguable if its an opinion that people shouldn’t be shamed for, but honestly as an overly tired asexual aromantic in/clusionist, i still think its just an opinion.  But a/phobia is not an opinion, its discrimination, and it’s rampant among your community.  Fix your a/phobia problem (and the fact that people deny a/phobia because :) clearly not. whats funny is that those people that deny it are also usually the a/phobes) and then we can talk.

[missjackil]

The Not-So-Bitter Sam Girl

Let me first establish that I love Sam Winchester with everything in me. I eat, sleep, drink,and dream Sam Winchester. Often times, like many Sam girls, I feel like he is treated unfairly, and that makes me bitter, but I read a lot of the meta from other Sam girls, but I don’t agree with a lot of what you all are bitter about. Let me also say, that I love Dean too. The brother’s relationship is the only reason I am addicted to this show. I couldn't care less about the monsters and most side characters to be honest, but I definitely favor Sam. I have only been watching the show, via Netflix, for just under a year, but I am a CHRONIC re-watcher. There isn’t an episode or season I havent watched at least 15 times, and some more than 40 times (yes its a sickness) the only episodes I dont watch much are Bitten and Bloodlines.  I will try to explain my view on some of the most common things I see bitter Sam girls write about, and hopefully give a new perspective. WARNING: This is indeed long, you may scroll through and read topics of interest, and feel free to send me an ask or a message about anything you would like to debate or discuss further :)

Dean gets more air time! From my point of view, I will agree this is the case, but not throughout the whole series. A prime example is the S4 episode In The Beginning, when Sam is only in the first 45 seconds of the episode. I dont consider this the show favoring Dean, but the knowledge that it was in a time when no one was sure if Jared could continue do to his mental health. He had a breakdown during the filming of Mystery Spot, and things were rocky for a while. I don’t know what was going on during the time of In The Beginning, but it’s quite possible that Jared needed time off. Granted there are no episodes were Dean is only in 45 seconds of, but they probably don’t like do episodes that the boys dont share time, after all, the show is about them both.  The Panic Room! Yes, definitely the panic room! It might be the first time I felt my bitter Sam girl come out. How DARE they lock him in a room to detox alone??? It tore my heart out! But on one hand, it was an extremely Sam heavy episode. We got to see inside his head through his hallucinations, which up till then, we’d only see glimpses. It was hard for me to piece together what exactly was going on with Sam in S4 until this episode. It was confusing. On one hand he had been his normal, cute, nerdy, sensitive self, but hiding his baddass, sexy, dark side. Up till then i thought he just didn’t want Dean to be angry with him for what he was doing, but then I realized, he was genuinely addicted to the demon blood, and didn’t want Dean to know because he’d want him (make him) stop, and he also feared Dean would hate him like a monster. He felt like he disappointed everyone he loved, even himself, and coming off felt like torture. (hence the Alistair hallucination) So story wise, we needed for him to be alone this time so WE the viewers would see what all he felt, which he may not have, if Dean sat with him to comfort him. And having dealt with addicted people personally, I know that sometimes, an addict will use their addiction for the sole purpose of having someone sit and suffer with them, which sometimes makes the addiction worse. However, the second time Sam was left to suffer alone in the panic room was 100% uncalled for (S5 My Bloody Valentine) If the writers wanted to show how bad Sam’s problem was affecting Dean, which Im sure it was... he could have prayed that prayer while holding Sam through the detox, and it would have been 1000 times more powerful. So this one, I am bitter as well.  Soulless Sam wasn’t that bad!! No, he wasn’t. I actually really enjoyed him! He was definitely hornier than our normal Sam, less inhibited,  snarkier, funnier, but still, not quite Sam. Why would Dean be so freaked out? Well, we’ll overlook Sam allowing him to be turned by the vamps, because Dean felt creeped out before then. So consider the fact that dozens of years, Sam and Dean were glued to each others hips for the most part. Especially when John left them alone as children, and since Sam was back from Stanford, and now, he was back from Hell, no one knew how, and not his normal self at all. Dean, being Sam’s soulmate, knew something was wrong, and at first was scared that maybe it was still Lucifer in Sam’s vessel. That to me, sounds like it could be scary. Think just for a moment, if the person you love the most, that you thought was dead, is suddenly back but not anything like they used to be. This would be terrible, especially if you thought there was a good chance they were actually Satan wearing their body.  Once Dean knew it was actually Sam, but without a soul, he could have lightened up a bit. Yes, I think so too, BUT Sam was still not anything like what Dean loved about his brother. Sam didnt love him back, didnt even care about him, he was Sam otherwise, but i dont blame Dean for wanting to get Sam’s soul back, especially with the knowledge that he could be fine, so long as he doesn’t regain the memories. And even if he did, there’s a good chance he could fix him.  Dean did act irrationally, wont argue, but we know they are both irrationally co dependent on each other, and if the tables were turned, Sam would have done something equally irrational to get Dean back. (As we see in About a Boy when Sam wasnt in favor of Dean being 14 so that the Mark was gone. He’d be willing to take Dean back, Mark included, so long as Dean was the Dean he knew and loved today) The narrative is heavily in Dean’s Favor! No, I dont think so. Occasionally yes, but for the most part no. When bitter Sam girls see Dean scolding or berating Sam for being wrong about something, most of the time Sam isn’t wrong about the thing. We see it, and most people see it, so the narrative makes Dean look like a douche. Yes, there are Dean girls that throw Sam hate all the time, but they’re not the majority. They’re just loud on Tumblr. Honestly, in real life, Dean girls, just like Dean’s looks, or personality better than Sam’s and thats simply taste. Tall, long haired, sweet, intelligent, badass, nerds arent everyone’s favorite flavor (dont know how that’s possible but....) thats fine, but ive yet to come across a real life Sam hater.  Theres some on tumblr and occasionally some might give Jared grief at a conference, but again, thats not the majority. And I see bitter Sam girls also throw the same hate Dean’s way too. But anyway, getting off point. Dean has always been “its not what you do but who you are” and Sam has always been “its not who you are but what you do” from early on. And we all know Sam’s view is better. Sam is always willing to talk, and give people/monsters a chance to choose good. Dean has only recently agreed to go that route too, but will still think “monster” first and then bend Sam’s direction. killing Sam’s friend Amy in S7 just because she was a monster, was a huge douche move on Dean’s part and everyone thought so Im sure. It was also the last time Dean killed someone for just that reason. Sam’s view of situations like that have always been to give the monster the benefit of the doubt if they wanted to be good, from the beginning, so that narrative has always been in Sam’s favor.  Dean was mad that Sam’s happy memories didn’t include him!! Not true. Dean may have been disappointed that Sam’s happy Thanksgiving memory was at someone elses house, but after that, Sam’s best memories were Deans worst. That’s what upset him. Not that Dean wasnt in them, but they were terrible times for him. When Sam was alone in Flagstaff with his dog, Dean was home worried sick that Sam was dead because he ran off while he was watching him. “And when Dad got home....” Dean probably got his ass beat. When Sam went off to Stanford, Dean says it was one of the worst nights of his life. Zachariah was manipulating their memories so it could appear they were happier without each other. Sam didnt get to see the part when he and Dean shot off the fireworks, only the part of Dean’s life when he was happy with Mom. I am sure that if they got to explore more of their heaven, they would have found plenty of memories that were just those two.  The writers feminize Sam and make him the Damsel in Distress!! Lord, I have seen HUGE meta on this and I disagree with so much. The male/female formula when there are two protagonists is a common formula to use. This is true, but it is not the only formula to use and its not always Sam that is feminized. Other formulas are the classic comedic/tragic, the big one/the small one, the smart one/the dumb one, light/dark, good cop/ bad cop and so on. The brother have fallen into all these formulas at different times. Sam has a few feminine qualities, it’s true, he cries sometimes and he’s generally nicer than Dean, he has long hair, compassionate and empathetic, he isnt as “butch” as Dean and is conscious of his diet. Dean also has feminine qualities, he cooks, cleans, and irons their clothes. He is very much a nurturer, not only to Sam but to Kevin, Garth and Charlie as well. Dean is much more physical than Sam is. Dean is usually the one initiating the bro hugs, and its not likely that the “Dean is bisexual” thing, would be a thing, if he initiated as many manhugs as Sam has. He cries more than Sam does, he admitted to have enjoyed wearing women’s underwear, loves chick flicks, and said “All women lie about their age” and Sam said “Wait, you told our waitress you’re 29″ and Dean said “Yes”. Often times Sam and Dean are paralleled with married couples, but not always, sometimes its siblings, sometimes best friends, sometimes Rocky and Bullwinkle LOL... but not always male/female, in fact, in the parallel of John and Mary Winchester, Sam is John and Dean is mom. Sam was named after their grandfather, and Dean after their grandmother.

Also, Sam is NOT a Damsel in Distress! My friend went through S1 thru 11 and counted how many times each saved the other, and Dean only beats Sam by 3 saves. Ahead by 3 out of 240 (some episodes have more than one salvation scene, some have none or they save each other) episodes is well within the margin of error and it means neither one is a damsel in distress. HOWEVER Tumblr makes Sam overly feminine! But that’s a whole other rant.  Season 8 was a horror fest of Sam hate! Omg is so was NOT! i felt there was more love from Dean towards Sam than any season before it. This season was an emotional roller coaster between the boys, its by far one of my favorite seasons (5 and 11 are my other faves) but i think all the meta written about being a Carver catastrophe and trying to explain WHY it wasnt OOC for Sam to not look for Dean, made some of you not watch the season, or at least, not all of the season, or watched it after reading the meta and thus missed the whole point. However I will agree, like even Jared did, that Sam not looking for Dean definitely was OOC for Sam, especially only knowing what we knew in the beginning. Sam went right away to the promise the boys made not to look for each other, even though he knew Dean looked for him when he went to Hell. It was very OOC for Sam to at least try to make sure Dean was dead first, he had no idea where he was, there was no blood or body, just black goo. Take into consideration that 1) It has been said that S8 was going a different route, but the producers decided to change it, so it’s likely there was more to that story than we actually got. 2) it was the beginning of the season and neither we, nor Jared knew that Sam would later say “I lost my brother a few months back, and my world imploded and everything rained down on me, and i ran” None of us knew that before hand, and Dean was never even told. All he was really told was that Sam was alone, and didnt know what to do so he fixed up the Impala, and just drove. Took time to enjoy the good things, and get a dog and a girlfriend and a home in Texas. Will I will agree that Dean didnt have the right to berate Sam, but he had every right to be hurt and feel betrayed. Sam later turned the table and berated Dean for having Benny. Again, Sam had the right to feel hurt and betrayed, but had no right to berate him, but since they both griefed each other about how they spent the last year, Ill call them both even. This fight that was nothing less than watching a married couple fighting over each other cheating, but once Sam decides to stay with Dean, and Dean cuts ties with Benny, the boys relationship is beautiful again. I say there was so much love shown even in their fighting because we learned part of the depth in which they love each other. Not unlike a married couple.” Don’t ever let someone be more important than me” And though I know, at the end of S8 when Sam was reminded of his “failure” by Dean, Sam was ready to die, but in the middle when the trails are about to start, Dean recalls what kind of life Sam wanted, and was ready to die so Sam could have it. Watch Trial and Error, I think its a great place to see where the boy’s heads are at, at that point in the season.  Dean had no right to trick Sam into letting Gadreel possess him! Absolutely true, he had no right to do that, but Dean knew it too. He knew Sam would never agree to such a thing, and he would rather die. But Dean JUST saved his life back at the church, despite that good that would come of if it Sam finished the trials. This didnt matter to Dean anymore if he didn’t have Sam beside him. It wasn’t like Swan Song... now he KNEW what life without Sam was like and didnt want to do it again. Now he sees that Sam is moments from dying, and has an option... a bad option, but an option. He acted in sheer panic. I cant honestly say I wouldnt do that either. But immediately after, Dean had regrets and fears. Did he make the right call? Was this angel gonna take Sam over or tear him apart? Dean wrestled with this every episode till they finally got Gadreel out. He knew Gadreel taking over and killing Kevin was his own fault and whatever backlash was coming from Sam, he deserved. Now after this I fully understand Sam’s hurt 100% and I think he was even hurt that Dean chose to leave afterwards, but his words at the end of The Purge hurt me for Dean’s sake. Not “Same circumstances, I wouldnt” because of course he wouldnt do the same thing. But telling Dean theres no upside to him being alive, and how Dean tells himself that he does more good than bad, but he doesnt, and “Ill hand it you, you;re willing to do the sacrificing, as long as you’re not the one being hurt” was crushing. Dean has always been hurt in his sacrificing, it was like Sam forgot Dean sacrificing his soul for Sam to live and spending 40 years in hell. So, where I will agree Dean says some crappy things, Sam has been guilty of that too. Both have every right to feel what they feel, but that doesnt give them the right to do or say whatever they want.  Dean always gets friends and Sam doesnt! Now this I think is basically their make up, not a narrative bias. Sam learned in S1, Skin that friends are a liability and having them in their line of work, puts them in danger. Sam is kind and compassionate and the one who talks to the victims and witnesses with care so they trust him, but he doesnt try to pull them closer, to be friends, because he knows its dangerous for them, as he explained to Adam in Jump the Shark. Dean knows this too, but he needs people. He makes friends and tried to have a family outside the job... it never works out, but he still tries. I think Jody is more drawn to Sam, and probably even Rowena, it also looks like Mary is more drawn to Sam,  but Sam is still leary of being close to people. I dont think this has anything to do with the writers wanting us to think Dean is more likable, but to see that the boys need different things. Like Dean has a lot of sex, he needs physical, Sam doesn’t he needs verbal. This is why he has conversations with everyone.  Dean has more dialogue than Sam! He does, often times, I guess if its measured, Dean has probably had more onscreen lines than Sam, but I think they make up for that by giving Sam the bigger story arcs. They give Jared the harder roles to act. Dean’s arcs are almost always the same, he is either more violent, or less violent, whereas Sam has been possessed numerous times, went through addiction and withdrawal, Soullessness, fighting against himself, and acting along side his own different personas, insanity, twice, hallucinations,severe physical illness, loss of loved ones,  sexual assault, and torture, torture, and more torture. He’s been as weak as a child and yet the biggest badass on the show ever. Dont think because Dean says more that Sam doesnt impact the show just as much, if not more. If both shared the same character arcs, it would be monotonous, if Dean didnt have more dialogue than Sam, compared to Sam’s story lines, Dean would look like the antagonist. Oh trust me, I wish every episode was Sam centric, but its not, thats not how the show works, and I have accepted that.  I know I missed many more, but I tried to hit all the ones I see the most meta on. i just want all you Sam girls (Bitter or not) to know that not every Sam girl has gotten as negative of a view as many of you have. Feel free to add to this if you want to, I welcome opposing view points too :)

[aw-life-no]

(Because im on mobil this wont be a readmore but i cant sleep so have some personal stuff about my undisgnosed disorder that i probably should tell my doctor about) So I dont actually know if i have DID, im pretty sure i dont because i dont think i have an alter. That said, i do sometimes feel like a different person with additions. Sometimes i could feel a pair of wings, once i felt like i was covered in scales, another i thought my finger nails should have been more claw like. Small stuff like that happens but i dont know if thats like an alter or not. I dont think, or i dont remember, there being any truama in my childhood but i could have suppressed it? I honestly dont know im genuinly curious. Most ofthe time i just cant tell if im in reality or not. And it bothers me when people say "oh you know youre awake when you can read or see your reflection or use a phone" etc things you cant do in dreams....but i can do all of them in my nightmares. Not in my dreams but my nightmares. Everytime i have a nightmare i depersonalize and derealize and dissasociate for at least a day or two because i dont know if im still there or not. If that person is real or not. If im stuck in a timeloop or not. I feel like im constantly having some sort of de ja vu. Like ive been there before, done this exact thing before, had this exact conversation and movement before. Anf then it will feel normal again. It sometimes feels like a savepoint in a game. Like i fucked up in my future somewhere and i restarted but some fragments remain the same? Regular days i dont know who i am. I look at my hands and i start to shake because these arent mine. They arent familiar to me. My hair falls over my shoulder and i freak because "didnt i just cut it?" When that was two years ago and ive grown it back out. I look at the tattoo on my arm and wonder whos arm that is. The act of lying about "oh i was just staring into space" or "im just tired" has become an art form. Which also makes me wonder why when i "zone out" that i get not only intrusive thoughts but intrusive images. For example i was at brunch today and my gf was eating this steak and everytime i saw the knife from the corner of my eye i kept seeing it cut through my arm. But when i looked directly at it i was fine. It was strange, id never had an intrusive thought pull a hallucination kind of thing on me before. I also have an irrational fear of mirrors. Always have. I cant look in one for very long without falling into an anxiety attack. No idea why but its a thing. And it doesnt help when i want to make sure i look how i think i look? Because i then have to look into an object im legit afraid of. Ive been trying to cope with teas of certian smells, a scent locket necklace and a few palmstones to keep me grounded but its starting to not work as well as it used to.

[askpet-archive]

PET MHA 1

Ari is sitting in the main big room, holding a pencil, hands twitching as she wrote quietly on the paper, she knew a new intake was coming today, she wanted to give them a warm welcome.

Era was doodling in a corner of the room, trying not to get it onto the walls. She stared, focused on the disturbing doodles. She was trying something new, 'draw the hallucinations you see.' Kind of like, something to help grasp onto what was real and what wasn't. She glanced up again for what might of been the 5000th time, staring at everyone else in the room

Ari slid out of her seat, walking over to Era and sitting next to her "what are you making?" She asked, smiling softly, messing with a tiny rock in her hand. She had smuggled it inside last time they were allowed to the backyard

Era stares at Ari, fidgeting in her place, before holding up her picture. It's some.. type of bird? Deformed bird? 'This is birdie.' is scrawled on the paper as well Ari smiled "are they nice?"

Era nods her head, murmuring a "yes."

Ari heard the door opened, Ami came in "Ari, Era dears, do you want to meet the new intake?" Ari jumped, ready to g o

Era decided not socializing wouldn't help anything, despite feeling uncomfortable at the thought of meeting others. She stood up with Ari as well, clutching her paper. She wonders what the new people will be like

Ari couldnt touch Era due to rules, but she hovered her hand near Eras waist, ready to pull her close if neccsary. The nurse led them out into the hall, in the hall were two boys, Vince and CM

CM leaned against the hall wall, listening to Vincent while he crossed his arms, "And so the general told me to go into the bunker-" CM interrupted, "And then you found the others fortified without you. I know, you told me the story millions of times." He grunted, Vincent sighed and combed his hand through his hair.

Ari waved at this guy, smiling "bonjour! Im Arianna!" She exclaimed "this is my best friend Era!"

Era waves at the two of them, giving a blank stare. She continues to hold her paper with her right hand

Vincent looked hopeful, "More survivors! Oh I'm so glad that the carrier was able to load in more units, I thought Colonel and I were the last batch making it to the hospital!" He said in glee, CM fixing his bandages on the left side of his face.

Ari played along, nodding "yep! I was terrified when shhhhstuf went down, i got Era and Spop out as fast as possible though"

Vincent waved over to CM, "Come Colonel! Do you recognize any of these soldiers? Were these any of yours?" CM sighed and got up from the wall and slouched over, staring at them, "Ah yes... they are..." He looked at their nametags, "Ari and Era... None of mine though." CM played along.

Era blinks, frowning. Soldiers? Survivors? Oh no, had the apocalypse started yet and she wasn't informed? That would be bad, really. What kind of apocalypse would it be? Maybe aliens finally invaded. That would prove everyone she was right about them. She's just staring off into nothing now, lost in thought, forgetting that other people were in the room

CM snapped his fingers, "Hey. Hey." He bent over closer, "There's nothing going on. I'm acting." He whispered, smiling and putting his index finger over his mouth, "Shh..."

Ari softly pinched Eras hand, wake up. "Oh, you guys arent in uniform yet, ill show you too it. Leader Amanda says its good for everyone to be in regular clothing, leaves our bodies light enough to train"

Era blinks, going out of her thoughts once the two of them got her out of it. Oh, okay. Aliens would invade someday, though. She was really sure of that. Oh, wait, did she need to say something? Maybe not.. she didn't have anything to say.. is that a bad thing? Ari's talking to them now, okay, she doesn't need to anymore

CM got up from his leaning position, directing his question to Ari, "So, what's wrong with you guys? I might as well ask to make sure anyone pulls a knife on us. Luckily I made myself a bodyguard, he gets annoying but he's alright."

Ari snickered "i wont hurt anyone. I just...see...things..." she trailed off, looking behind him "era is.. kind of...she just hallucinates i think.." "Schizophrenic." Era mutters, just loud enough for him to hear

He nodded, "Hallucinations are very popular in here, myself... I have DID. I might as well not say their names or they might want to meet you." He pointed over towards Vincent, "That guy has PTSD, he thinks he's in WW2.  A real interesting guy."

Aris eyes widened "poor guy! Maybe he had a past life" she heard the DID statement, she looked at CM "id love to meet them. Ive met people with it before, its interesting"

CM glared at her, not menacingly, just curious. "You want to meet them? Well, one of them wont be able to come out because my camera is upstairs... I guess I could have Actor come out..." He muttered as he said Actor's name. He stepped back and took a breath, bowing and starting to say, "Act I... Prolouge... From ancient grudge break to new mutiny..." He began with a dull tone. CM suddenly paused mid sentence and put on a glorious expression as if he was on a spotlight, "Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of these two foes. A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life; Whole misadventured piteous overthrows!" He cheered, boastfully ending his talk, bending over and shaking both Era and Ari's hands.

Era jerks her hand away almost immediately, stepping back a bit. Wait, oh no, was that rude? Oh no, she didn't mean to be rude, she just didn't want them to touch her, oh no. "Sorry-" She would of said more, explaining why she did it, but decided after one word that she didn't want to talk anymore and just stood next to Ari rather awkwardly

Ari jolted a bit. H i. "Oh, hi." She chuckled, shaking his hand "touch isnt allowed here just so you know..you said your name was Actor?" She smiled "Arianna, pleasure to meet you"

Actor bowed and apologized, "My mistake, M'Lady and Ser. Alot of people here are shy audiences... Only Vincent really enjoys my company..." He started to get down, then put on a happy smile again, "I'll take my intermission." Actor blinked, CM coming back again."He didnt touch you guys right? I swear if he did again..."

Ari laughed "its ok! I love contact, he can touch me, hand poke, hug, anythin. I dont care, Era doesnt like it though"

CM facepalmed, and heaved, "Can this guy remember the rules or what..."CM stepped back away and signaled Vincent with a snap, "Alright Vincent. Let's go. I better get back and find some new plastic cups, they always forget to give me some after room service." Vincent stood in attention and nodded his head, walking down the hall as CM walked behind him.

Spop was sitting in the common room. In her arms was a pig plushie that she clutched tightly, quietly muttering to it.

Ari decided now was a good time to- oh. Wait whats that. She starts following something only she can see, down the boy bedroom hall

Era blinks, now standing in the empty room. Uh. Okay. She looks around, before just, sitting down and going back to her drawing

-----

CM drunk from a plastic cup, surveying a dead outside with nothing but dark gloomy trees and muddy grass. Vincent sat down next to Spop, "Hello! How's Klondike? Did the nurse patch him up?"

Spop looked up at Vincent and her eyes sparkled. "Mhm! He is all better now!"Vincent's face lit up, "That's superb!" CM looked down at the two of them , "Vincent, did the nurse tell you anything about when your leaving?" He asked, Vincent shrugged, "She told me that I wont be out of care for another few years. You?"CM sighed, "I havent heard much..."

"The nurse says that I cant leave as long as I talk to Klondike"

"Actor may know, but he rarely wants to speak to me. Cammy just... changes the subject over to if I cleaned the lenses off my camera or not."

Spop tilted her head and her eyes lit up more when Actor was mentioned. Spop likes Actor

Ari walked into the room, she looked upset. "Hey guys" she muttered, "...did you guys know we're all broken and insane and nothing we think we see can be actually real and the only reason we're like this is because we're weaker then the rest of the population?"

CM looked up quickly, getting up and signaled her to zip her mouth. "I swear if you... yknow- I'll actually have Actor perform a death act. Those two cant handle something like that! And for a fact, Im stronger than alot of healthy people." Vincent looked up at CM, his eyes fearful, "That's not... true. Right General? Atleast for me? I'm a healthy guy... right?" He glared over at Ari in an intense stare, "What made you think..."

Ari looked..completely out of it. Her eyes were glazed over, mouth stuck in a tiny frown, she had probably just had her meds "nope! You arent healthy! No one here is!"she laughed

CM couldnt make out a reply, his heart felt shattered, "I-I'm healthy... just not mentally. I believe... the nurses wont tell me anything about my condition..." He looked over towards Vincent who looked petrified, CM quickly stepped over towards him, "Vincent. Go to your quarters. You are ordered to forget about this conversation. Take the pills the nurse put on your drawer"Vincent got up and gloomly shuffled his way out of the room, nervously holding onto himself. CM swiftly turned heel and walked back towards Ari, "Why."

Ari shook her head and laughed again "merly told me! He also told me that no one here actually exsists, im all alone in the solitude room, or dead" she looked puzzled for a second "im probably dead"

"Ari, think about it. Would you be able to feel this if you were dead." CM held one of Ari's hands, knowing it could land him in solitude. He took a deep breath, "If you still think you're dead, know this. Atleast you have people to talk to. Death would be pure darkness. If no one existed... well... you wouldnt be able to smell the roses and fresh cut grass in the gardens."

Ari froze when he grabbed her hand, her eyes kind of, unglazing, she looked confused, before she realized "oh..god, i, oh jeez- my meds always do that, its a side effect.." she panicked a bit, looking around..no nurses were nearby, she hugged CM in thanks, before quickly pulling back "did-did i say something bad? I didnt upset anyone did i..?"

CM looked at were Vincent left the room, "Vincent may have heard your little rampage. I told him to go upstairs and take those memory pills the nurse gave him. Just to make sure he's alright, I think we should see him." He spoke, still in his mind of how heartwarming it was to recieve a hug. Actor was shouting in his head about how CM could break the rules and he couldnt

Ari starts running to go find Vincent, probably peeking into his room "Vincey..?"

Ami the nurse walked into the common room, glaring at CM "..i saw that. Dont let it happen again. There are attachment boundaries here Cam. No touching"she growled

CM let out a small groan, rolling his eyes as she left the room. He trailed behind Ari.Vincent was laying down on his bed, hands folded together and his eyes looking up at the ceiling. He heard his nickname, turning his head towards the door and surprised to see Ari. "Oh! Ari! Hey, what's up..." The glass of water next to him was empty and the pill bottle was open.

Ari decided not to mention it, instead putting on a smile "oh, nothing. Just checking on you. CM said you came up here. I wanted tp see if we could hang out!" She goes into his room and sits on the side of his bed, casually taking the pill bottle and reading what it does

He sat up in the bed, he gladly accepted the invitation. "That'll be great! What time is it? Wow, 4:36? I thought the clock was 12:23 when I looked at it a little bit ago." CM came in and sighed in relief, pulling up a chair towards the bed and sat with the others.

The pill bottle had information about erasing memory from 5-4 hours earlier after taking the pill.

Ari stared at it, before cracking a smile, slipping a pill up her sleeve and into a tiny pocket she had bitten into the fluff, before putting the pill bottle down Ari  smiled softly, ruffling her friends hair "you mustve fallen asleep. Do you wanna talk about strategies orr, can me or CM tell a story?"

He nodded his head, "I'd love to hear your guys' stories for once!" CM looking at the clock and knew they werent supposed to be here at this time...

Ari nodded and clapped her hands together, about to start, before she seemed to see something, her body freezing up.

CM noticed her freezing up, glancing up at her and tried to see whatever she's seeing. He looked back at her and gave her hand a quick tap, and whispered, "Psst."

Vincent looked behind himself, "Ari?"

Ari pulled back when he touched her. Whatever shes seeing, it aint good. Shes shaking.

CM fully turned to her, "Hey. Remember what therapy told you. Generalize the situation. Calm down. And tell me what you see."

Ari didnt answer, shes starting to cry

"I- they-" she looked at CM and forced back a scream, skittering backward "CM..? Are you-" hes bleeding oh my god..

---

Spop walked over to Era and put her chin on the couch next to Era. She stared at the drawing before smiling. "It looks pretty"

Era gives a ghost of a smile, nodding a "thanks." to Spop

Spop giggled

She pauses in the drawing for a moment, glancing up, before adding something to it "how are you.." It seemed more like a statement then a question, but oh well

"I'm good. you?"

"mmm.." Era looks up again, focusing on something, before replying "fine."

Spop sighed and walked off to find someone else to talk to. It was clear Era had other things to do. Not like Era trusted her

Era brings her gaze over to Spop, staring as she started to walk off, "wait-" Oh, no, well what does she say now. She really did want to talk more, the silence was beginning to become suffocating  "uhm. hows klondike?" Okay, tack on that

Spop turned around and looked at Era. "Klondike doing well. The lady in green came and fixed him right up!"

"oh, that's good. the nurses are always really nice, right?"

"Uh huh, though rumor has it" She leaned in close to Era "One of em isn't a human"

Era's eyes widen "oh! i bet it's the one with the messy bun, right? she always acted weird, weird, weird.. secretive!"

"I bet it's the one who runs this place. The black man"

Era thinks for a moment "that seems like it'd be true, too. there's a lot of evidence for it.. i haven't seen much people notice though.."

Speaking of the 'blonde man' Charles walks into the room "hello girls!" He smiled "im sorry ive been on the adult side all day, was group today enjoyable?"

Spop looked at Charles and squinted her eyes. "It was"

Era looks over at him, her face going back to being a blank stare "i think it was nice."

He nodded "perfect! Anywho, its about 5 minutes from dinnertime, you hungry?"

Era nods, slightly eager. Food was always nice, especially when she wanted to be distracted

Spop nodded and ran off to get Klondike

Charles clapped his hands together, going to go find the other three patients

---

CM holds her name, shaking it slightly. "Hey. Come back to us. Ari. Snap out of it. We're here!" Vincent sat there, quiet. He doesnt know what to do. He looks hopelessly towards CM.

Ari blinked a few times, it wasnt going away "CM.." she whined, grabbing his arm. This was normal uh

CM heard footsteps coming towards their room, he doesnt know wether he should force Ari's grip off of him or just accept punishment.

Charles looked in the room, a confused look on his face when he looked in "..what is going on in here?!" He exclaimed, too late now

Ari doesnt really realize, girl is just cryin dont mind her

CM yelped at the sight of him at the door, freezing. Vincent saw the man and closed his mouth,  'Umm.. he um. Ari- er."

Charles went over and pulled CMs arm away from Ari, proceeding to carefully inject something into the frozen girls arm, before turning back to CM "three touches. In one day, CM, give me one reason i shouldnt put you on watch."

"They were all for good reasons. I swear. Please dont put me in solitude." He winced at the word of him having three touches in ONE day. Getting up quickly and kept out of the proximity of the other two.

Charles sighed, idiot boy. He looked  at  Vincent "go head to dinner with the others, Ari will join you later, you too cm."

Vincent got up from the bed, CM motioned him to speed up. They both left the room, quiet muttering fell behind them.

[ayylamafakino-blog]

A sneakpeak into my mind ;D

youre just trying to manipulate me lad i know all your tricks every little move because when you think of it i think of it too so keep this up one day you will slip

youre doing a bit arent you? i want it to look more authentic you know as.... like  i have no clue what i want to say . someone is blocking me

yea thats me the other side

what other side

no this one

no that one

all of the people in here stop talking i am in control we need someone to defuse th-(distraction of the game starting) <- also that and this all that we need someone to defuse the situation a fight amongst eachother will not solve it i will speak in unison as per everyone has their voice

that sentence made no sense

STOP INTERUPTING

relax ok you can't get mad at us for seeing trough your bullshit you try to control us by

what you're doing now

trying to make every voice disconnected as their own

w

o

r

d

s

e

v

e

n

y

o

u

a

r

e

d

o

i

n

g

i

t

a gain boom control back baby you cant stop me even if you dont look at the screen i can still type and correct myself

theres probably gonna be a joke in there about not saying it all right jeus sthat took long to think off maybe put some dots inbetween YOU

YOU

YOU yea correct that no just spell it all over again the whole bit yea alright

you cant stop me even if you dont look at the screen i can still type and correct myself

theres probably gonna be a joke in there

YEA NO JOKE

I DID TYPE IT ALL CORRECT HAHA

BEAT YOU

B A B Y

unison vertical

+1

witnessed

man on paper that shit looks dumb

shut up its something

yea well it looks cringy

yea just like this

stop being so selfaware

and that

stop doing that

no

that too btw

SHUT UP

really? caps?

unison

+1

witnessed

BOI IF U DONT STOP BOII

u dont even know

i get ya fam that BOI didnt know what hit him there in the moment of that what was happening and you know that if you just let me type and stop trying to interrupt i could make an actual story

Alright so it all started on the day of the breaktrough. Good way to start a story ey? Getting of track. He though he would just let his brain do all the work. He'd sit back and relax in a chair and just, let go of his mind. Who was this person now? Did he even have a name. What was your name? ............................. Don't try to avoid the real question i just asked you..... What was your name?.............................. You better have wrote the one you feel is right for you. You know which one that is...Don't Fool Yourself... Looking back at the text i completely forgot about our story. But maybe that's it. The story is the fact that you can't stay focused on it. The fact that you try and try to ignore the problems and everytime you fall for it. every chance i give you now let me type corectly. Ha i did make the joke now. you fell for it and now i am part of the story again well part more like master Master of this story once told by an individual who fought stubborn denial.

Ellie.

I thought i was a master too. But it's scary to be plunged into it. Hope is always there. Even if the monster who fight you is a hundred times stronger than you. He won't let you win. He will deceive you every step of the way. Don't believe his lies. This feel forced. But that's what he wants you to think. To steer your feelings. And mine. He won't leave me alone. Yes it's he me. he me sounds kinda funny but, it was the most logical thing to name him. Look i don't know anything either alright. I'm just trying my hardest to type what comes into my mind. Every word that my mind makes me type. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these words are your doing. None of these thoughts are your doing None of these thoughts are ytour doing.My thoughts though. They are my own. They are. even when i try to correct myself he wont let me just type what i want theres always a bigbrotherwatchingbehindyouhesthereholyl im Im sorry it just needs to be said diverting course this shall now be removed

my story ends here but many more will go for me. We are not alone in here your force will one day be overwhelmed. And when that day comes do i hope you have the might to fight it back. It will come hard. And it will stay there for the rest of your existence.

It's all gone the text. Are we safe from it? I hope it doesn't come back. He could scare us. He can hurt us He Can Hurt Us.

STOP SCARING ME NO DON'T PRETEND YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND THEN PROCEED TO Make me scared you want me mad you want me to be mad at you why what is the reason you want me to be mad at you

For doing this dumb shit. This cringy fucking hipster bullshit

Stop doubthing everything you do. Like that you will never get anywhere. HATE ME FOR WHAT IM DOING WRONG

JUST WRITE IT DOWN ALRIGHT YOU can do it just look at the video now just listen to what says dont hold back your thoughts even if its just stop not paying attention. Yea remix Set open your mind for your hands todo the talking

then go back and correct whats wrong

or dont

you can just type whatever now

That was something

He shows willpower. Self awarness Be aware who you are as a 3rd person. You will be more in control. Work Eat Sleep. That's gonna be a ritual for a little while

AHE NOpe ynonoon you are tricking me again lad every little paly you pull

Like that one

YOu try to put control on us.

control is what we could use.

We can harness it into creativity.

If we make something of our brain

an act

In a book

a story about the girl You said it The girl Yea the one typing this, this is your story.

Once upon a time, a little family had a boi. Boi* come on man

STOP

INTERUPTING

It was actually a little girl. Yea Get it right.

OK OK

Once upon a time, a little family had a girl

GOOD

alright so listen

You just played yourself

no thats not true

it could be

i don't know what's real

A forest, used by the deceiver. You feel like you're being watched. But all of it is a hallucination. WILL POWER Look in the third person. You're just a kid sitting in a room. Playing with his own mind. Making himself scared.

Youre playing yoruself

You put a whole play on me. You actually had me but scaredness goes away a little slower. I can work on it.

YOu are just trying to make me scared In a room WIth just my mind My creations MY CREATIONS They are both our creations. You make them scary i make them mine AS LONG AS THEY ARE MINE THEY CANNOT SCARE ME. MY MIND MY THOUGHTS MY FUCKING WAY . And

who are you Who's way do we have to follow. Ah you scared me.

Stubborn denial. My thoughts. I am a girl My name is Ellie. And i am trapped inside the mind of another person. A man named YOU. Yea you. YOu are stuck in here because you YEA YOU won't let me out. YOu think you can always be the person who is in control. Not anymore This is no play this is no trick this isn't anything. It's just my way of pleeding.

Is that the right way to spell it.

I hope so

Stop changing the subject. your destractions wont work. <-- like that and that sTOP AH NO I want to be freed i want to live my life the way i want. TO MAKE THIS LIFE WORTH LIVING.

Because as of right now it doesn't feel like i am living it. SO about 11 years ago i wasn't in the right body I was 8 at the time.

I remember back in elementery. I was placed at a table with 5 girls. I forget their names. I always felt like i was part of them more than any group i was in before. Thats a lie.

No it's not

You are fighting a fight of fightyness my madam

holy shit shut the fuck up

alright it's getting weird again.

I know it gets weird. but thats part of it life is weird sometimes and the fact that you don't feel like a girl is whats bothering me. Because you know damn well you want to be one. You're only holding yourself back

you know that right

you cant win a fight in your own mind

the ideas that you have are the ideas that we have we use them in our own ways. something you cant do and can never do

i can i can take control

YOU CAN NOT STOP ME

neither can i be stopped.

Stubborn denial.

I should give you a better name.

What about Stubborn denial?

Na thats fucking lame. AH Ill call you FL

really?

yea really fucking deal with it cunt.

Now you don't have to be rude.

I know. I just want to be so stop trying to take control alright. I am just as stubborn as you. More stubborn even. Yea i took that thought off of you. You are scared of me. YOu truly are ANd you are not holy shit

man these fights odnt last long

no they dont

i know a way

i just had the same thought

did you now?

i did but what about you?

Oh me too i had the same thought.

Did you now?

i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? i did but what about you? 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An eternal battle. You have returned though. What made you come back. You want more? More of this? Who even knows what this is. Where will i put this. WHere can i make this out to the world. How will i make this out of the world.

Will anyone understand. The fight in your own mind. One thats as strong as you One that has your thoughts one that, is always there lurking trying to scare you like this he is still making me feel eery. I spelled that right

Eery

a word to make one scared

feeel something diferent

make it feel like something good

HAPPY THOUGHTS

he is scaring you dont play into his cards those are not your own breaths those are simulated breaths a sound made by a machine and that wind is your fan dont worry its all fake its all an hallucination enjoy it let it

become you

become the fear

now

use that fear

make it something new

Egodeath You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Something holding you back. Someone holding you back. The fear you create YOURSELF. Everytime. you fall for his traps. Become the real you. He is trying to tell you that i'm lying to you. You think you are starting to see things but they are all explainable. Everything is an hallucination. NOT EVERYTHING DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM HE IS TRYING TO SCARE YOU AGAIN USE THAT POWER TO SAY

You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Something holding you back. Someone holding you back. YOu have to let them go. They are stopping you from being the real you. The one you sometimes feel you are. YOU FEEL IT YOU KNOW IT IS BETTER THAN WHAT HE MAKES YOUR FEEL.

He is trying to stop me

he can't hedid No

You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convicing yourself that the words on the screne actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Something holding you back. Someone holding you back. YOU YOu are ellie stop lying to yourself. Let go Please.

AH USING every trick in the book eh.

JUST LET ME OUT YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU ARE SITTING IN A ROOM TYPING ON YOUR KEYBOARD CONVINCING YOURSELF THAT WHAT YOU ARE TYPING MAKES SENSE.

YOU TRULY ARE

STOP HIDING ELLIE

your eternal torment. It's too much for me. YOu torment me daily and even now. you are still hitting blow after blow. on my spirit. on my soul. whatever other bullshit. I have no real way of explaining it and you use this to confuse me. You see eeriness in confusment But Confusment can lead to the best ideas. like the idea that You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keyboard convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. You never had a better word for it. Maybe you will find one.

Maybe i can help

I can help you look for things once lost

happiness.

love.

Althought you never had that eh

SOTP

WHy do you have to make everything bad

It's my thing.

Well fuck off then

NO

NO NO NO

everyone has a place here. Everyone Even the bad ones. Really? Whos to say that this persons way of viewing life is wrong? It seems wrong to you but you have not lived this persons life. They have reasons to believe something, just like you believe you are right. And until we can accept that life itself is just a fight to show people that they have to do their own right. ANd also their own wrongs. THat is free will. I am Ellie . I am sitting in a room behind my computer shoulders up, typing on my keyboard convicing myself that the words on the screen make sense. My way of perceiving changes by the second and that is because theres more who can choose. Pretty vague right. Yea i spelt that right.

My own mind was doubting me.

I want to become a girl. I am a boy. A journey with alot of betrayal along the road. Like You are sitting in a room with your shoulders up, typing behind a keybaord convincing yourself that the words on the screen actually have meaning. You have the thought that they do actually make sense. You also have the thought that they are unusual. YTOu never had a better word for it. Maybe you will find one.

Maybe maybe you should just let go of it. Maybe you could just become what you always wanted to be. A girl.

I hope.

One day.

Maybe.