#probably my first introduction to trans people. sighs

[florshedworf]

i wonder how the “it’s ma’am” woman is doing now

[thechangeling]

But you like her better: Part 2

Sorry it's been a minute! I hope you like it.

Cw: Some brief ableism, mentions of internalized biphobia, and self injurious stimming.

2013

It was raining when 16 year old María Machado Sotomayor first met Kit Herondale.

Marí had always loved the sound of the rain. It was peaceful and rhythmic, creating a nice tingly feeling in her skull running straight down her spine. It also good for the plants. Which meant that Marí arrived (on time for once) at her favorite class in a pretty good mood.

Marine biology was their one of their three special interests, the other two being lacrosse and Base guitar. So Bio was usually pretty fun for them. However this time was different.

Her mood was instantly dampened when she walked into class and saw someone new sitting in her usually seat. A blond, short and white kid who looked far too pretty for his own good. A new kid most likely.

A new kid who didn't realize that Marí always sat by the window every single day. It was their spot. Still Marí was determined not to overreact. They marched over to the new kid  and approached him with their best masking smile.

Remember eye contact. She told herself. Keep your tone light and breezy but not too lifeless. Smile. Appear friendly and non threatening. Try not to sweat. Try not to scream.

"Hi excuse me," Marí began in a sickly sweet tone. "That's actually my seat! Sorry!"

The boy instantly looked embarrassed and apologetic. "Oh I'm sorry!" He blushed. "I didn't realize there was assigned seating." He had an American accent, California maybe?

Wonderful. A white American boy. Just what they needed.

Marí chewed their lip and fought the urge to rock or tap. "There isn't actually," they admitted. "I just usually sit there. So can you please move?"

Now the new kid looked a little offended. A cold look settled over his face. "Well why should I?" He bristled. "This seat isn't really yours. It's not like it has your name on it."

Marí rolled her eyes in frustration. "I tried that already but then I got in trouble."

He stared at them curiously for a moment. Marí took the opportunity to break eye contact finally and scuff their heel against the floor. They were wearing the new black suede chunky heels with the gem stones that Marí had gotten when they went thrifting with their friends.

"María!" The harsh voice of her teacher snapped her back into reality. Everyone had arrived and taken their seats while she was arguing with the American and now everyone was staring at her. "Could you please explain why you are not seated young lady?" She snapped in her extra pretentious sounding posh English accent.

The one that said, "I'm better than you."

Marí tried not to growl at being called a young lady. They weren't feeling particularly female today. Not that Marí was going to bother explaining that to some old British hag.

"He won't get out of my seat!" Marí protested. Instantly laughter broke out around the classroom. Cruel mocking laughter that made Marí feel like her skin was crawling.

"It's ok!" The new kid cried out, practically jumping out of Marí's seat. "I'll move! I'll go sit over here." He grabbed his bag and moved to the back of the room as quickly as possible.

Marí smiled in spite of themself. His random act of kindness was surprising, but they were grateful. They took their seat near the window and sighed in relief.

Marí would always look back on that day with fondness no matter what. It may not have seemed like much to him, but it meant the world to her. After Bio class she had asked Kit to come eat with her and her friends. They had made their introductions and the rest was history.

They became close friends very quickly, bonding over movies and music. They sent each other playlists of their favorite songs and songs that reminded them of each other. Marí made Kit a queer playlist with songs by queer artists and told Kit that they were bisexual and a demigirl. They hadn't even told their friends that last part yet at that point.

Marí also told Kit that they liked to use she/they pronouns, but so far was only using them online. Kit asked Marí a lot of questions then confessed to Marí that he was also bisexual but he was still kinda getting used to it.

"I grew up in a shitty situation," Kit had told them. "I guess I still have a lot of shame."

Marí didn't hold it against him. She bought him queer literature and resources for queer history including "Bisexuality and Queer Theory" and her printed copy of the article published in the 90s called "The Bisexual Manifesto." She gave him advice on websites and people to follow online.

They also just talked. Talked about life and their experiences. Their feelings and their relationships with their sexualities. Bonding with another queer person was always special but spending time with Kit always made Marí feel so...light.

Despite how close they were getting, Marí didn't always want to touch him. They were touch averse in most cases unless they were very comfortable with someone. Sometimes it just depended on the day. On the days where Marí found they could not hug Kit they had invented their own way to show affection.

They would place a hand over their hearts and tap it, as if to say "I care about you" or "I love you." Sometimes Kit would say "tap my heart" as a substitute for actually doing it.

He introduced her to his close friend Janessa, the wayward vampire who was incredibly hot and kind of made Marí all nervous and tounge twisty at first. But as they got to know her, Marí realized that she was also incredibly kind, passionate and clearly cared at great deal about Kit. Janessa was a gamer who had named herself after a video game character. She drank cups of warm blood in novelty mugs with giant swirly sparkly straws and was pretty good at making people laugh.

Janessa, or Nessie as Kit had affectionately nicknamed her, was flirtatious and charismatic, but also brutal and deadly in a fight. She was full of surprises. And maybe, just maybe Marì was a little bit into that.

However as much as Marí didn't want to admit it, they were also were starting to realize that they were way more into someone else. Someone with perfect golden curls that Marí wanted to curl their fingers into.

Eventually Kit came out to Marí as genderfluid and requested that she use alternating he/they pronouns for them. They both made the decision to collectively tell their friends their pronouns. Marí, Kit and Nessie sat around her gorgeous leather couch and talked for hours about gender, identity and transness. Kit pointed put that they may never be able to fully explain their gender to the other two, just like Kit might have a hard time fully understanding Janessa's relationship with gender, or Marí's because everyone was different.

"It's personal Nessie," he had said. "Everyone has their own unique perspective on gender and every trans person has their own complicated feelings about gender and what their own gender identity means to them, and those feelings might not completely match up with another trans person's. But that's ok. You don't have to understand the other person but you do have to respect them."

Janessa's understanding of gender came from being a trans women. It was about a strict  binary with clear lines and rules. Rules that Kit was starting to make a habit of fingerpainting all over and Marí could tell that it was stressing her out.

And Marí had no idea where the hell they fit in these rules. They had stopped playing the game.

But those two loved each other more than anything, and Marí knew they could work anything out. And sure enough approximately seven hours and four margaritas later (only two for Marí,) they had come to an understanding.

2014

She kissed Kit for the first time a month into the new year.

They had been trying on clothes in Marí's room and Kit was wearing one of their old dresses that Marí thought they looked amazing in, but Kit wanted to give it away. It was dark navy blue and sparkly with spaghetti straps, coming to about mid thigh. There were cut outs on the sides, filled in with black sheer fabric, and it had a low v cut at the neckline which was also filled in with black sheer.

Kit had been infodumping about one of the Marvel movies again, Marí couldn't remember which one, and she had kept getting distracted by his tan smooth skin peaking through the sheer fabric and fullness of Kit's moving lips. He smiled excitedly and Marí had stepped forward and kissed him.

Their first thought was that Kit tasted like chocolate. Their second was that they should have done this months ago.

Kit had melted into the kiss, smiling slightly against her mouth and pulling her closer. They kissed her feverishly, sliding their tounge inside Marí's mouth and moaning when she deepened the kiss eagerly. They moved against each other with almost lazy, comfortable precision, kissing each other for what could have been hours or days or maybe only seconds.

Marí couldn't have said.

When Kit finally broke the kiss and pulled away from Marí, his eyes were practically gleaming with joy and love. And that was when they knew.

I love him.

2015

I love him.

Ty's words ran in her ears. Repeating over and over again, maddenly bouncing around inside of her skull until she was forced to utter out loud,

"I love him".

They whispered it under their breath but Marí could tell that both Alyssa and Ty had heard them. It was so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop.

But of course. Of course he does. It was obvious. This whole time Marí had noticed there was something wrong with Ty. Just like there was something wrong with Kit. The way they stared after each other when they thought the other one wasn't looking. The loving and worshipful glances mixed with the bitter glares.

Marí had already known that Kit was in love with Ty of course. But the way they had told the story made it seem like they were positive that Ty couldn't be in love with them.

But then again maybe that made sense. Given Kit's history and who he was. But then Marí couldn't help but think of Ty and how confused he must have been. God it was a giant mess.

Speaking of...

The room was still silent. Marí found that she couldn't read Ty's expression as he stared back at her flatly. But his body was shaking, his fingers fluttered at his sides. She wanted to soothe him.

They stepped forward carefully. "I'm not mad at you," Marí assured him. "I was hoping we could talk?"

Ty's left eye twitched. "We are talking," he pointed out. Alyssa snorted.

"Ty, they mean about the proverbial bomb you just dropped a few seconds ago," Alyssa said with a laugh.  Marí smirked to themself slightly.

It wasn't really a bomb. More like a flare.

She really needed to talk to Ty. The only problem was Alyssa had an annoying tendency to never leave his side. It wasn't like she had a problem with the girl. Of course not. But her presence meant that Marí hadn't had the opportunity to talk to Ty one on one.

They cleared their throat. "Alyssa could you please give Ty and I some space to talk?" They asked. Marí hoped they didn't sound too rude. Alyssa looked to Ty and he nodded slightly, signaling that he was ok with her leaving.

That was so strange to Marí. Their relationship. The way Alyssa, a werewolf who hated shadowhunters even more then Marí did, essentially took orders from him and clearly trusted him more than anyone else. But perhaps she wasn't one to judge.

After all, she loved Kit.

Alyssa left the room with a pat on Ty's back and a quick, "call if you need me." Marí shifted their weight back and forth as they rocked slightly from side to side as they waited for Ty to speak.

He stared back at her silently, most likely doing the same. Marí blew out a loud breath and forced herself to stay still, crossing her arms.

"Are you going to say something or should I?" Ty asked expectantly. Marí bit their lip and shrugged.

"I'm still thinking of what I wanna say," she admitted.

Ty smiled at her softly. "So am I."

There we go. Cracks in the armour.

"I'm sorry," Ty whispered suddenly. "I never meant to-"

"You don't have to apologize!" Marí blurted out. Whoops they had interrupted him. "Oh shit sorry you were still talking!" They reached for their hair nervously and realized that they were wearing that Morticia wig for their costume.

Great. Marí moved on to chewing on her knuckles.

"It's ok," Ty reassured her. "I don't really know where I was going with that sentence. And you shouldn't do that." He pointed to her hand.

Marí scoffed, "yeah well you shouldn't dig your nails into your palms." He glared at them and they laughed.

"Not so fun playing a game of Mirror Image is it?" They teased. Ty didn't respond, just stared at Marí solemnly.

"You know I really admire you," he said, aiming his gaze close enough to hers to create the illusion of eye contact. "I always have. I never wanted to hurt or upset you."

Marí wished for a brief moment that they could touch him and then shrugged the impulse off. "I know love," they cooed. "Me too."

Without really understanding why, she pressed her hand to her chest directly above her heart and tapped, just like how she did with Kit. Ty studied Marí for a moment and then followed suite.

Marí in spite of themself, actually felt bad for him. They could clearly see the toll the last three years had taken on him, specifically the last few weeks. Maybe his family couldn't see it, and they definitely knew that Kit couldn't, but Marí could.

Marí of all people could see past the mask because they knew what masking looked like. It wasn't just about appearing normal, whatever that word meant. It was about hiding your feelings. Taking that heart you wore on your sleeve and locking it up tight. But everytime Marí looked at Ty, they could see it. And it was bleeding.

Ripped and bloody and broken, just like her own and yet they both still had the sheer audacity to keep breathing. Marí was proud of them both.

"You need to talk to him," Marí prompted. "You both need to be honest with each other."

Ty furrowed his brow. "Honest? About what? He doesn't feel the same way." He had gone back to flicking his fingers as he stared at her, looking puzzled.

Bloody hell between the two of them, Kit and Ty were giving Marí the mother of all headaches.

They took a deep breath. "Yes they do Ty," Marí tried not to sound exasperated. "Kit is in love with you, believe me. They told me."

It hurt Marí's heart to have to say it, but it was true and Ty deserved to know the truth. And they knew deep down that Kit wouldn't really be happy, he wouldn't be Kit until he had Ty. And Marí had to make their peace with that.

Ty looked understandably confused. He ran a frantic hand through his hair. "But why are you telling me this? Why are you helping me?" He asked. "Don't you love them?"

She fought the urge to cry as tears gathered in her eyes. She found herself digging her nails into her palms despite chastising Ty for doing it a few minutes ago.

"I'm telling you all of this because I love them" she cried desperately. "Because Kit cries out your name in his sleep Ty! Because everytime he sees you, he stares at you like you are the moon the sun and the stars! Because everytime you speak they hang onto absolutely every word, and when you laugh-" Marí cut herself off.

They squeezed their eyes shut and took deep long breaths. Ty said nothing. Marí opened their eyes to see Ty staring at them in dismay. He looked like he was trying to think of what to say to help.

Marí shook their head. "I know Kit loves me. And they probably always will. We were close friends even before we started dating." Marí groaned and shook out their entire body this time, jumping up and down a few times as well to get rid of the tension. If Ty thought this was weird he didn't comment on it.

Marí wiped her eyes carefully trying not to smudge her mascara. "But you Ty?" His eyes refocused on her again at the sound of his name. Marí chuckled humourlessly. "Fucking hell, he is in love with you. And right now he is thinking that you hate him and I know it's tearing him up inside."

Ty stared at Marí hopelessly, looking overwhelmed and exhausted. "So what do I do then? What am I supposed to say?"

Marí shrugged. "I can't help you with that I'm sorry. It has to come from you." Ty looked even more panicked.

They gave him what they hoped was an encouraging smile. "Don't be scared Ty," they murmered. "It's Kit remember. They're not scary. You have nothing to worry about."

Ty didn't answer her. He had wrapped his arms around his body, squeezing tightly. "Marí do you remember those dead moon jellyfish we buried on the beach?" He asked.

She was a little confused as to why he was bringing this up now. "Yeah? Why?"

"That's what I feel like right now," Ty admitted. "Like I've washed up on the beach and now I'm just waiting for someone to come along and step on me."

Marí's heart sank. "Oh Ty," they breathed. "I promise that won't happen with Kit. I can't make any promises for anyone else, but I do know that Kit has absolutely no intention of hurting you again love."

Ty looked pensive. Marí could only hope that Ty would make the decision to trust them.

With a sudden jolt Marí remembered the party.

"Hey we still have the Halloween party to go to," she said, shaking Ty out of his stupor. "Do you still wanna go?"

To their surprise, Ty nodded. "Sure. I think Alyssa might kill me if I back out now."

Marí snorted. Alyssa Reyes could be pretty terrifying at times.

With surprise Marí found that their spirts were lighter having cleared the air with Ty and with the prospect of a party being renewed.

She smiled. "All right then let's head out!" Marí smoothed down the long black wig over her shoulders and quickly smoothed out the long skirt of her black slinky dress before turning and exiting the training room.

She knew that she would have to talk to Kit at some point and that conversation would be brutal. But at least they could have one last night together.

It's better this way. Marí told themself as they walked back towards the main living room where everyone was gathered.  At least now Kit can be happy.

It's for the best.

It has to be.

So I'm actually planning on writing a part 3 from Kit's pov because the drama isn't over yet! 😏

Tag list: lmk if you wanna be added/removed.

@playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies   @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @foxglove-airmid @littlx-songbxrd @clarys-heosphoros @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan @hardlymatters @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @the-blackdale @adoravel-fenomeno @the-wckd-powers

[lochsides]

If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power Review

Where do I even begin with 'If I Can't Have Love, I Want Power'? It is such a good album, it's almost criminal. If I had to pick the best album to be released this year, IICHLIWP would be it. Halsey has always been an excellent songwriter, that was never even in question, but it has been proved once again, in case anyone wasn't paying attention. IICHLIWP is an album that covers so much depth in sound and in lyric. The dichotomy of the Madonna and the Whore, as they said in their announcement of the album, is an overarching theme of IICHLIWP and it is articulated so consummately. The references to pregnancies and childbirth are more subtle than I expected but that's what makes them so genius. This is an album where every lyric is intentional.

My favourite songs are ‘The Tradition’, 'Bells in Santa Fe', '1121' and 'Ya'aburnee'. More detailed thoughts on each track are below the cut. Trigger warnings for sexual assault and miscarriages.

The Tradition — This is the first song on the album and Halsey had already fucked me up so there's that. I got full-body chills listening to 'The Tradition'. The production is masterful. There is this darkness that settles in early and ebbs and flows beautifully, not only throughout the song but the album as a whole. 'The Tradition' already sets up so many of themes of this album, but what a way to talk about sexual assault. I am in love with the entire chorus line but I think my favourite lyric is ‘she got the life she wanted but now all she does is cry.’

Bells in Santa Fe — The transition from 'The Tradition' into 'Bells in Santa Fe' was so smooth I didn't even notice that the songs had changed until I looked at my screen. I don't think I could actually describe how much I adore this song if I took up the rest of my life doing so. The production is absolutely God-tier. Everything from the way it keeps building throughout the song to the percussion to the piano on the second chorus and the distortion towards the end is so perfectly done. You will never hear me rave about production this much. What a fucking song! On top of all that, you have the lyrics that are so powerful. When they said 'cause who the fuck would chose this?' it reminded me of my favourite Manicsong, 'Forever... is a long' where they sing 'how could somebody ever love me?' so that stood out to me. I love the cadence on 'secondhand thread in a secondhand bed with a second man's head' but the lyric 'better off dead so I reckon I'm headed to Hell instead' is probably the one that hits the hardest. My escapist, runaway tendencies felt very exposed by the entirety of the pre-chorus.

Easier than Lying — The way she emotes on ‘you lair, you don’t love me’ is fucking everything. I needed to start with that. It’s my favourite aspect of the whole song. And then there is that obvious callback in the bridge. ‘Easier than Lying’ is the punk sound we were promised of IICHLIWP and they delivered. The Grungy electric guitar, the bass, the production!!! This one goes hard and it makes no apologies of it’s anger.

Lilith — ‘I’m disruptive, I’ve been corrupted, and by now I don’t need a fucking introduction.’ I mean what could I possibly say after that??! Honestly, I love the duality of how this line could be about Halsey but it could also be about Lilith, herself. There is a selfishness to 'Lilith' that I love. When you connect that to the mythology of Lilith preying on pregnant women and the context of this album — it's just got so many layers. Halsey's mind!! I love the sound of this song. The production has a classic rock flare to it. Those drums are so clean and the bass accompanies it perfectly. The smoothness of their vocal on this track is very pleasing to listen to.

Girl is a Gun — I'm not going to lie, this song isn't for me. I get it. The message is right up my street but the overall sound of it just isn't what I personally like. I do love their little laugh at the start! The lyric 'it's a shot in the dark, I'm not a walk in the park, I come loaded with the safety switched off' is my favourite.

You asked for this — This song is really interesting because they gave us a pop punk sound, pushed it to the back of the track, really grungey guitar riffs and all, but their voice is so light and delicate almost, very airy in a way that stands apart from the backing track. I really like it. To me, it's like an emphasis of the message of 'You asked for this'. Young women are oftentimes forced to grow up too soon and 'be a big girl.' Society forgets, I would even say purposely overlooks, that they are 'still somebody's daughter,' one of the few things that is used to give value to a woman. We've all heard people throw the phrase "but what if it was your daughter/sister?" into the conversation when discussing women that have somehow been abused by the patriarchy. 'You asked for this' also calls attention to how when we're younger, all we want is to be grown up but how unaware we can be of what it means to be a woman in this world, the trauma that comes with it.

Darling — The guitar in this song and it’s almost-country sound are what sets this song apart from the rest of the album. ‘Darling’ is a lullaby for their child, but it tells a story of their struggles. It is honest in a way that feels private. Motherhood sounds so good on them!! This song is just a collection of things I love in music. 'Darling' is soothing and it sounds like comfort, in both melody and lyric. 'Foolish men have tried but only you have shown me how to love being alive' is perhaps the softest lyric on the whole album.

1121 — I expelled a heavy sigh when I heard ‘1121’ it absolutely took my breath away*.* This song is a truly moving ode to an unborn child. So many people talk about how they had never known what unconditional love really meant until they had a child. Halsey tells it as such: ‘you could have my heart and I would break it for you.’ I love their vocal styling on this song so much, going between their lower register and those beautiful falsettos in the chorus. The overlapping on the bridge of ‘please don’t leave, don’t leave me in the shape you left me’ and ‘I’m running out of time to tell you, I’m running out of things that I regret’ and ‘you’d never, you told me’ really capture all the wide array of emotions felt by pregnant person upon finding out they are pregnant when they’ve dealt with miscarriage. Her voice emotes the fear of losing another child, the regret of the ones she's already lost, the promise, almost desperate, of the opportunity they have right now. All of these feelings are brought to life further by the production of the song. There is so much depth in '1121'.

honey — Pop punk wlw anthem check. Halsey suits this sound so much. This track, the production, the instrumentation, all of it catered to their voice so perfectly. The sound is so refreshing and yet so classic. I adore the melody. It’s unsuspectingly catchy. I wonder if there are links to ‘Lilith’ with ‘she’s mean and she’s mine’ or if I’m just reaching. Either way, a song about a love that is a little chaotic and wild, sign me up!

Whispers — Whispering on a song called 'Whispers' might be obvious but I'm a basic bitch so leave me alone, I loved it. Lyrically, 'Whispers' was the song that I saw myself in the most. When she said 'camouflage so I can feed the lie that I'm composed,' I just felt far too exposed for comfort. Same thing with 'I do not know me.' And that's what art is supposed to do. The instrumental is haunting and dark. The way they create tension by adding in one instrument at a time. The production is amazing. Top 5 shit right here!

I am not a woman, I'm a god — Not only does this song have the catchiest hook, it’s literally ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god. I am not a martyr, I’m a problem. I am not a legend, I’m a fraud so keep your heart ‘cause I already got one.’ That hook right there tells you everything you need to know about this song. ‘I am not a woman, I’m a god’ acknowledges that one needs not be a woman to create life. They are claiming power to their gender identity through relation to Godliness. Even in the other lyrics, they talk about being ‘a different human in a new place’ or ‘a better human with a new name’ (this line in particular draws direct parallels to trans experiences). Both times, they specifically use ‘human.’ The production of this song is designed to be a single. It’s got the signature darkness of this album, tells the listener where Halsey is at sonically, and it’s a total banger.

The Lighthouse — The way this song just comes in swinging right away with the distortion and the heavy guitars is exactly what I expected from this album going into it for the first time. Very modern punk rock. And the lyric doesn't pull any punches either. 'From a tender age I was cursed with rage,' like c'mon!! I love the melody and her vocal inflations throughout the song. This is the longest song on the album but it doesn't drag. The change up right before the outro really helps with that. I find that outro so interesting. The contrast between the instrumental constantly building but their voices staying so far in the back on the track creates so much tension that is relieved in the best way possible with 'Ya'aburnee'.

Ya'aburnee — ‘Ya’aburnee’ is the perfect conclusion to this album. Halsey said in their Apple Music interview that IICHLIWP is about the power to choose and by the end of the album you realise that they choose love. This song perfectly embodies that. It’s familial. The entire chorus talks of seeing yourself in your kin and the circle of life. The second verse is a clear love letter to their partner and it makes me emotional, knowing their romantic history as we do, to hear them sing ‘wrap me in a wedding ring.’ I love how the lyric ‘you will bury me before I bury you’ is not only a statement of their hopes that they don’t have to live in a world without their loved ones, a statement of how parents should never have to bury their children, but it almost sounds like a protective promise that they will do anything to ensure their loved ones are kept from harm so as not to need burial. The softness of the instrumental on ‘Ya’aburnee’ is feels like unwinding from the rest of the record. It’s such a beautiful song.

[andmyvape]

"Please tell me you're not wearing that."

Elayn looked down, then back up with a wide grin. She tugged at her bright rainbow suspenders with her thumbs. "What, not tacky enough?"

Serana gave the ensemble another slow scan. "No, it's… definitely tacky. The combat boots with the khaki shorts is a nice touch."

The grin got wider as she stuffed her hands into her pockets. "They're going to be throwing candy, and I wasn't anywhere near prepared enough last time."

Serana rolled her eyes, but softened it with a smile. "You're ridiculous."

"Isn't that why we're dating?" her girlfriend asked as they headed out the door.

She took a moment to lock up while Serana laughed. "'Careless Whisper' on a boom box outside my window. I can't believe my dad didn't kill you. I know you stole that, by the way. We both went to see that movie when it came out."

"They marketed it as a romcom!" Elayn protested.

They were in the car now. It would be a trick to find parking, but they were running early thanks to Serana's habit of scheduling everything. Elayn was more the type to go with the flow, but living together had her adapted enough that the flow she went with was largely dictated by Serana's schedule. As a research chemist, she worked interesting hours at times, but Elayn was a good roommate, she cooked and cleaned, mostly because she had the time. Lacrosse wasn't a well paying sport compared to something like soccer, but the off seasons gave her plenty of time to maintain their loft. 

"Five dollars an hour?" Elayn griped as the machine printed out their ticket. 

"Homophobia strikes again," Serana said with mock solemnity. 

She snorted and wrapped an arm around her girlfriend's waste. "Which park did you say this thing started in again?" 

It was a little place surrounded by tall buildings, but it was a green patch in a city largely made out of grey. It being Pride Month, the grey was broken up by rainbows. The two wandered around as they waited for the parade to start. 

Well, at least, they started to wander when Elayn caught sight of a dog and all but dragged her girlfriend over to say hi. 

"What's his name?" she asked, so full of enthusiasm she practically floated. "Can I pet him?" 

The dog's owner, someone with a short haircut in a crop top that was orange, yellow, and white striped, nodded. "If he lets you. Sometimes he's not so-- oh gosh," they said, eyes wide as they watched Elayn kneel down and offer a hand to sniff that was immediately accepted. "You must have good vibes." 

"She's a dog person," Serana said with a laugh as the dog put its front paws on Elayn's shoulders so he could lick her face. 

"What's his name?" she asked through slobbery kisses. 

The butch grinned. "That's Duke, I'm Cas. It's nice to meet you!" 

The two introduced themselves just in time for a volunteer to come up with bottles of water. "Our city got voted best water in the state," she said cheerfully. "Take a few, it's gonna be a hot one." 

Before the march, there were speeches. The first was an introduction to the city's first pride parade since the 80s. The second was from a drag queen inviting everyone to the show later that night. Finally, the speeches were closed by an Episcopalian pastor trying to make up for the rest of Christianity's sins. 

"It's starting!" Elayn said excitedly when the crowd started to funnel out of the park. 

The march went down the sidewalk for a few blocks. Traffic was halted and the waiting cars honked while passengers waved. Elayn waved a lesbian flag, Serana had a bi flag, and the two of them dragged a rainbow striped cooler. 

"Mom! Mom!" Elayn heard behind her. "Look, it's two cicadas going at it!" 

She glanced behind her. There was a set of twins, about twelve years old, one of them draped in a trans flag and holding the cicadas that were indeed trying to reproduce. Elayn snorted and hit herself in the face trying to keep a laugh contained. "You like bugs, huh?" 

The girl in the trans flag beamed. "They're my favorite! Well, except for tarantulas, but Mom won't let me have one." 

"The rabbit gets out of its cage enough." The way the girl's mom said it, this was an age old argument. "I don't want to squash it when it ends up in my shoe."

"I had a snake when I was growing up," Serana chimed in. "A corn snake that never got out." 

The twins turned out to be part of a family unit. One twin was trans, and their older brother was too, and as Elayn found soon, was very excited to start HRT. "Get a Gc2b binder," she said. "When I'm feeling like a flat day, it works really well." 

The boy, a younger fourteen, practically floated with excitement. "I will!" 

Serana chatted with the parents while Elayn occupied the kids. "Have you folks been to Pride before?" 

Their mom, a woman named Chelsea, shook her head. "Nope, both kids came out last September and they've been talking about the festival ever since." 

"You seem like really supportive parents," Serana said. It carried the weight of one speaking who has not had contact with their parents since high school. 

Chelsea could tell, and she opened her arms for a hug that Serana was more than happy to accept. 

The march was only about a mile long, and it ended in another park. Elayn craned her neck and said, "I think I see the beer line, wait here?" 

"We will!" said the girl, who was very proud to be named Luna now. 

Serana and Chelsea shared a grin. "I guess we'll wait here," the mom said. 

It was a bit of a line, which was probably not a good thing, but apparently people were restricted on how many drinks they could buy, so at least there was that. While Elayn waited, she was joined by two people wearing pronoun pins that said "she/her". 

Elayn's jaw dropped at the sight of one of the girls' dress, which was a flowing, fae like ensemble. "Holy shit!" she said. "You look amazing!" 

She blushed and ducked her head as she smiled. "Thank you, I got it from Amazon." 

"It's her first Pride," her friend added.

That just amazed Elayn more. "With the sparkles and the green eyeshadow, I wouldn't have guessed. Everything you've got going on is just amazing."

"Thank you!" she squeaked. 

Elayn wasn't alone in thinking the dress was gorgeous. Another person came up to compliment it, and they had such dope tattoos that Elayn could not help but comment. 

"The guy that did them is great," they gushed. "He does blacklight work too!" 

So she got a website saved on her phone for the next time she really wanted to get a tattoo on top of the three she already had; scrollwork on her bicep, a wolf on her shoulder blade, and a small date on her wrist that was the day she met Serana. 

When she got back to her girlfriend and the others, an IPA in hand that was frankly piss, she told them about the girl in the fae dress. 

"I saw her!" Serana exclaimed. 

"Amazon." 

"No way." 

Next was food, especially if she was going to drink a beer. Assuming she actually drank it. "There's some food trucks," she pointed out. "I could go for a corndog." 

"I'm going to get some mac and cheese," Serana said. 

"Mom! Mom!" Luna's twin brother, Ian, tugged at his mom's sleeve. "Can we get pretzels?" 

Chelsea sighed good-naturedly. "I suppose. Do you two want to meet up after?" 

"Over by the stage?" Elayn suggested. 

The group separated. She found the line for corndogs and funnel cake. While she was waiting, the woman ahead of her glanced her way, so Elayn said, "Howdy!" 

"Hey there, hun!" She clapped her on the shoulder. "Having a good time?" 

"I am," she said with a grin. "Everyone here is so nice. There were some moms back there handing out hugs!" 

"Well, I'm a mom, would you like a hug?" 

"I would love that." 

It was a lovely hug, the woman was warm and smelled floral. When they separated, she said, "I'm Elayn! It's good to meet you. Can I get you a corndog?" 

As she pulled out her wallet, the woman waved her money away. "It's Nessa, and actually, I'd like to buy you a corndog." 

"You don't have to--" 

Nessa laughed. "I miss my daughters, you'd be doing me a favor." 

They chatted while the line went down, about lacrosse and about university. It turned out Nessa's two daughters went off to college in other cities, so it had been a while since she saw either. "I had a son," she said. "But now I have a very happy daughter, and I'm so proud of her." 

"I wish I had a mom like you," Elayn said, thinking about growing up foster care. 

Nessa grabbed her in another hug. "Now you do!" 

When she got back to Serana and the others, they were listening to the music booming from the speakers. She had to yell to tell the group about her new mom. 

Chelsea looked a little sad, because she could connect the dots, but Luna and Ian were too busy freaking out over the cotton candy Nessa had bought her too. 

Not long after, the stage was occupied. Elayn was chatting with Luna with her back turned, so she missed it until Serana tapped her shoulder and turned her around. 

"Holy shit!" She hollered and clapped at the sight of a gorgeous, sequin clad drag queen in four inch heels doing a backflip off the stage and onto grass. "Holy shit!" 

As it turned out, the drag queens took tips, and it was at that point that Elayn knew she was about to spend a lot of money. Each queen that performed, and there were many, got a five in exchange for the sheer joy Elayn got when the queen before her touched her hand. 

When there was a break in the performances, she went back to Serana, who had a smirk on her face. "Should I be jealous?" 

Elayn cupped her face, and in a fit of sheer enthusiasm, kissed her girlfriend soundly, to the delight of the twins who hooted. "Don't worry, babe," she teased. "You're the only queen for me." 

"Flatterer." Serana swatted at her chest, but the smile on her face was pleased regardless. 

It was all a blur from there. Fair food, loud music-- and Elayn found beer that wasn't piss! She taught the twins a new vocabulary of cuss words the moment she found out their mom was fine with foul language. They parted around five in the afternoon, when a voice through a megaphone warned attendants that the festival was about to start catering to adults. There was a concert with more drag queens, this time in much more risqué outfits that Elayn would have given a kidney to see on Serana. 

When she said something, her girlfriend got a light in her eye. "Really now?" she purred. "Maybe for your birthday." 

By 11pm, Elayn was high on the party atmosphere and a few beers. The festival was over, and the walk back to their car would be a trick. "Did you have fun?" she asked Serana as they walked hand in hand. 

She got a kiss on the cheek. "I'm so glad I have you. When are we getting married?"

"When I figure out how to surprise you with a ring." 

[muchadoaboutlearning]

Life Update: Orientation Week and Uni Shenangians

13.8.21

This week was an official welcome to the University through an orientation week for the freshmen students. It is a tradition for our university that the seniors organise this week and my, my, the amount of effort our seniors had put into each and every event. It is no easy feat to organise a week long events online and the team was the best. They had an incentive to work hard because this probably counts as their work experience or summer internship. However, it was not only about making us feel welcome to the place but also about the cherished moments of togetherness through these events.

The theme of the orientation week was "Summer of '24" inspired by the legendary Bryan Adams song, "Summer of '69. It was about various musical decades through time. Our days were full of events like, introduction to academic life, student life, student governments, clubs etc.

But one talk that touched and inspired me the most was a talk on "Diversity and Inclusion" by a trans man who is renowned for his work in such areas. Being bi, I needed a university that was inclusive and a safe space for me. My country is still very much queerphobic but you know, there's so much diversity in the uni (being a liberal arts one I suppose). We have a pride forum as well as so much LGBTQIA+ visibility.

***

We had various fun events and I want to tell you guys all about it.

We had a music rendeveous, a zoom meeting with music genres as breakout rooms to jam and hyperventilate about your music. I met a person who has eerily similar taste as me (like scary relatable, we have so many fave artists in common, it's unbelievable) We are now musical soulmates and have a Spotify playlist together (the airpod with Adam hands picture is our cover)

We had a mix and mingle event (like a platonic speed meeting over a website called gather round) It was so fun, but it did drain me out socially. We also had a shark tank event with the most ridiculous ideas (like fantasy level ridiculous)

There was a faculty rapid fire round and also non academic talks with them (we went into very deep conversations about friendship and life inspiring stories, it was so wholesome) They also divided us into buddy groups with our batchmates and seniors to perform something as a group at the end of the week. There was a senior junior bash, the watch party for all our buddy group performances and an open mic. I did a spoken word piece for my open mic performance.

I know it sounds exhausting and it truly was overwhelming. But the people I met, the connections I made were so warm and happening. I didn't get a chance to go out in the week but I did click pictures of the pink sky from my balcony.

***

The classes start on Monday, which is tomorrow. Sadly, we aren't on campus (a batchmate did a campus visit and we aren't sitting in those cool classroom chairs *sigh*)

However, my schedule starts on Tuesday so I am currently doing some post spring cleaning of my desk area. You see those classmate books over there, they are just for accounts in grade 12.

I am taking Ethics, Creative Expression and Scientific Reasoning for the first trimester. Let this academic chapter in my life begin.

[mossy-covered-bones]

The Abyss: Xanthar’s Tale

Part 5

(Introduction)—(Previous)—(Next)

You guys ready for some plot? Because there’s gonna be some plot.

:)

—

“So would you answer questions about your other friend as long as they’re not about whatever it is you’re hiding from me?” X asked, lying on their back in front of Asterisk’s mirror. Their hands were held in front of their face, them and the mirror lit by the soft glow of X’s lantern—now with new batteries.

Asterisk responded slowly, hesitantly. “I… do not see why not. What would you like to ask us?”

X squeezed *s eyes shut, thinking. “Do you have an idea of how long it’s been since they’ve visited you?”

“My sense of time is very unreliable—“

“Right, silver frame, it was a dumb question, sorry.”

Asterisk let out a low laugh. “It is unreliable, but I know they left for good before you set foot in this building.”

“Oh. So ten, eleven months at the very least?”

“Yes, if that is how long you have been here. Their visits slowed long before they left this place for good, however.”

X hummed to *self. “Why did they stop coming down here?”

“They got what they came to me for, there was no real reason for them to stay. They were never one for needless pleasantries.”

“Were they nice? Did you like talking with them?”

“We did enjoy their company, but I… would not call them nice. They were fairly brash, and crude, and impatient. But they were good company.”

X nodded, humming to *self. “Do you miss them?”

“I will once again remind you that we are not a social creature, and do not require companionship.”

“You don’t need to, to miss someone’s company.”

Asterisk blinked, glancing away for a moment. “I… suppose you are right. Perhaps I do miss them, in a sense. But I am happy for them. They have achieved the life they have always wanted, and it would be selfish of us to take that away from them in order to keep their company.”

“Did you help them get that? The… what did you call it, the life they always wanted?” X asked, hands folded over their stomach as they glanced over to the mirror.

Asterisk let out a low hum, contemplating its answer. Or just contemplating whether it wanted to tell (———).

The eyes bobbed in a nod. “Yes, yes we did.”

(———) sat at *s computer, scrolling through one of the advice blogs * found over the past few days, reading over the response to an ask * had sent.

They’d been mulling things over, the euphoria of shorter hair and slightly more androgynous clothing pushing (———) to try and find a word for how they felt. The odd feeling of gender they hadn’t even considered trying to pick apart until now.

They still weren’t sure yet, but… nonbinary seemed to fit. For now. (———) was still looking through terms, finding nonbinary people to follow, trying out pronouns. They didn’t want to rush anything, to throw themself in first to all the confusing terms and neopronouns, but… it was relieving, to find a term that fit them and that odd disconnect they’d always chalked up to a bad body image.

X had been spending more time on the internet than usual, the little niche of openly nonbinary people and those questioning their gender like them somewhat homey and reassuring, like being wrapped in a warm blanket. Everyone was so welcoming and helpful with the questions X had, supplying them with terms to look into and things to consider while they puzzled themself out.

They really felt like they belonged with these people.

“Does your kind have, like… any concept of gender?”

Asterisk let out a low laugh. “No, I’m afraid that’s mostly a human concept. Some of our kind has attempted to describe themselves with your words, but they often fall short. One cannot capture the essence of self in just a few simple words. Why do you ask?”

“Well I…” X let out a huff, biting their lip. “How much do you know about western concepts of gender?”

“The vague idea, I suppose.”

X nodded. “So traditionally it’s male and female, most people stick with what they grew up being told they were. It’s, uh… there’s a small fraction of the population that… realized they’d rather be the other one? So if people thought they were a guy growing up, but they realized they were actually a girl.”

“Yes, being… trans? I have heard of that.”

“Okay…” They swallowed, wiping the sweat from their palms. “So most people think of gender as just being A or B, yeah? But some people don’t feel like they fit in just one of those boxes, they call themselves nonbinary. It’s another way of being trans, since they aren’t what people thought they were when they were born. They don’t… identify with the gender assigned to them at birth, that’s the official… uh… words for it.”

Asterisk blinked slowly. “That makes sense. I do not see why anyone would want to limit themselves to only two options.”

X let out a sigh of relief, sagging against the wall. “Yeah, me neither. I’m nonbinary, too. Figured that out recently.”

“Ah, I do believe we should be congratulating you for the discovery? Our previous visitor did not tell us about the proper etiquette for these situations.”

“Thanks, I—“ X paused. Blinked. “Your other friend told you about trans stuff?”

The eyes hovering in the mirror crinkled at the edges, almost like Asterisk was smiling. “Yes, they did. They told us they were trans.”

“You… what? So then why did they… you said… did you…” X frowned, squinting into the mirror. “Why are you smiling?”

“Tell me, X. Do you remember what I told you, the second time we met?”

X shook their head. “What does that have to do with this?”

“Just think. You were trying to guess what I was.”

“Is this about the Fae thing? If so I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything bad about it—“

“We do not require an apology for that, X. But yes, that is what I mean.”

X frowned again, but nodded. “Yeah, I kinda remember. What about it?”

“We said that they are not the only beings who deal in names, in identities.”

“Are you… implying that you do, too? Steal people’s names?” They raised a brow. “Why are you telling me this?”

Asterisk let out a slow, deep sigh. “It would probably make more sense if I told you more of the one that came before you.”

—

Tag list: @definitely-a-living-human @catdragonunicorn @genesiscaveat

[neerasrealm]

Stories

In which Doby and Toby talk to Tim about their time with The Operator. Set shortly after the war with Zalgo Word count: 1302

The room was big. Bigger than he expected, and very comfy. The carpet was soft and he could sink his feet right into it. There was a large window to his left that let him see the woods outside. The walls were a soft cream colour, or rather, they might have been. A lot of the wall was covered with painted murals. Murals of calming landscapes that were so skillfully painted you'd think they were photos. The furniture was comfy too. They were sat on a plush leather couch, though there was a soft armchair sitting empty across from them. There were also bean bag chairs, and a one armed couch made to lay on. There were also shelves with plastic bins on them, each labelled with its contents. "Drawing supplies", "stress balls", "slime", "stim toys". They'd already raided the shelf for things to entertain them while they waited. 

For the better part of fifteen minutes Toby had been toying with some slime he'd taken from one of the bins. It was thick and a pleasing blue colour, like a tropical sea. Toby would pull it apart then squish the slime together again. Neither of them really spoke, they didn't know what to talk about after- well, everything...so they just sat there, listening to the soft clicks coming from the infinity cube Doby was toying with. 

A knock on the door made them look up and it was pushed open. A man stepped into the room and looked them over. He was somewhat short, and stocky. His hand was bandaged up, and he had a few random bruises and still-healing cuts across his body. He wore a red and black flannel shirt that was rolled up to his elbows. Under it, he wore a grey t-shirt and blue jeans. "Hey," he greeted after a couple seconds of the three of them staring at each other. "I uh- I'm supposed to talk to you guys." He said as he walked over to the chair across from them. "That okay?"

Doby gave a nod. Toby finally looked up from his slime and gave an enthusiastic nod too. "Sure thing." He replied, as chipper as always. Tim smiled a bit.

"Good, good." He shifted where he sat. "So...how about you guys tell me about yourselves?" He gave them both a half smile. The three of them knew each other, but not well. A couple conversations while the three of them were trying to heal up, but Tim had been discharged from the medbay fairly quickly. Amazingly, he hadn't been injured badly. How he managed to fight off The Operator and win with only minor injuries was a mystery. Tim was a tank, and it was both admirable and scary. 

Doby glanced to his left, realising Toby was probably waiting for him to go first. Introductions were probably one of Toby's least favorite things. He couldn't blame him. Doby wasn't a huge fan either.

"Well uh- my name's Doby. I'm nineteen, I love- third base- baseball and horror movies and uhh...I dunno...just- hanging out, I guess?" He said, tapping his wrists together a few times. Tim nodded and looked at Toby.

"And you?"

Toby cleared his throat. "Uh- well uhm-" he clicked his tongue a couple times. "I'm Toby. I'm- nineteen too I uh- I like...I dunno…" he shrugged. 

"You like birds." Doby suggested. Toby looked confused for a moment like he wasn't sure if he liked birds or not.

"Uh- yeah! I do and um- just- animals in general-" he paused to whistle. "I also like uh...watching TV and er- oh! I uh- I do wood carving. It's not great but- it's fun." He fiddled with his hands and forced a small smile. Tim nodded and gave Toby a supportive smile.

"Nice, nice." He replied. "Well- I'm Tim. I'm thirty two, I uhh- well I play guitar, or at least I used to, heh, uh- I like animals too! They seem to just...gravitate to me, dunno why and uh- yeah." He shrugged and gave them a slight smile. He shifted in his seat. ‘’So...I should probably explain why it’s me talking to you two, right?’’ he asked. The two of them nodded. ‘’Well...Slender thought you two would need someone to talk to about- well, everything, and he already knows you two are scared of him so...he asked me to do it instead.’’ Tim shrugged and scratched at the back of his neck, glancing aside for a second. ‘’I’m not gonna force you guys to talk about the operator right away if you don’t wanna. I know it’s probably a lot, and I don’t want you guys to feel like you gotta relive all of that stuff just for me.’’ 

It was silent for a long few moments, the two of them unsure of how to respond. Surprisingly, it was Toby who broke the silence. "It made me kill my dad." He said. 

"Jeez kid I'm- I'm sorry-"

"Don't be," Toby picked at his fingers, pulling off loose skin around his nails. "He was an abusive asshole anyways…" he added with a click of his tongue.

"I see." Tim shifted in his seat. "So...living with the operator, how was that compared to home…?" 

"...I got hit less." Toby shrugged. "But I...still got picked on a lot...it liked to-" he paused, his neck abruptly snapping to the side. "Liked to torment me- little shit- because I was the weakest."

Doby frowned, reaching over and grabbing his friend's hand. "You weren't the weakest." He said gently. "You stood up for yourself. I'd say you were probably the strongest out of all of us for doing that."

"Mmm…" 

‘’Toby,’’ Tim said. ‘’You were able to fight back against that thing. That’s more than a lot of people were able to do.’’ he looked Toby dead in the eyes ‘’My friend Alex? He was way older than you when that thing went after him and he wasn’t able to fight back. It drove him insane. He had a stable childhood, he was way older than you, but he still couldn’t fight it off.’’ Toby stared at him. ‘’You’re strong as hell, kid. Don’t even say you’re not.’’ 

Toby blinked, staring at Tim in surprise. "...really?"

Tim nodded. "Really." He said. "And brave as hell too." He added. Toby smiled a bit and leaned back in his seat. He glanced at Doby, who looked over at Tim. "What about you?"

"It made me- well, no it-" Doby frowned for a second, trying to think of how to explain his story. It was something he'd never really known how to explain. To Toby it was easy, Toby knew him and had been through that too, but to Tim, or his friend Jay? Not so much. He tapped his wrists together about five times before talking. "...it all started with my older brother. His name was John, he lived with my mom- my parents divorced- balk- after I came out as trans," he looked at Tim to make sure he was following. "John killed himself, and I- I was so mad, it was mom's- fucker- fault that he did it. She never cared about him enough."

"I'm sorry to hear that." Tim murmured. Toby patted his shoulder reassuringly. 

"It's fine." Doby replied. "After he died...I started having weird dreams, with John, and eventually I found...it." Doby chewed his lip for a second. "I thought it was gonna bring me back to him...I just- needed to kill her first." His voice was soft, feeble. "...I don't feel bad about it."

Tim nodded. "It has a habit of making false promises." He murmured. ‘’And stuff you do while it’s pushing you? It- makes it hard to feel guilty.’‘ Tim shifted, like he was avoiding saying something.

"What'd it do to you?" Toby asked. Tim looked at them both for a long moment. He sighed gently.

"...that's a long story, kids."

[molsno]

I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

[mars-the-4th-planet]

Ivy Munger plays Project Libitina (creepy fic for Halloween for my friend, might be disturbing)

(part one of two)

The episode begins with Jukebox herself wrapped cozily in a blanket, which is how all the episodes should start. She was playing a mod for doki doki literature club called Doki Doki: New Horizons on her GBA. She had little else to do what with quarantine and all. Spookbox watched mischievously out the window, silently giggling and rubber her hands together. She slipped through the window and crept into the kitchen, somehow unheard by Jukebox who stayed focused on her game. Spookbox was visibly transparent to the audience the whole time, representing that she is invisible to the characters in TIMS. (the ivy munger show)

Just then, Trolli and Sakura comes strolling and trolling in. Sakura sits perched atop of Trolli's shoulders. Trolli leans over to look at Jukebox's GBA screen. Currently, Jukebox is making Natsuki Island. In the shape of a trans flag, because of the common Natsuki headcanon. Trolli sees it and chuckles. "Hehehehe, a rectangle island Jukebox? I haven't seen such creative talent since Sakura tied her shoes together. Without laces!"

"H-Hey... I told you, I didn't do it! There was an imposter and they sabotaged me!" protested Sakura helplessly. "Sure, Saki. But seriously, a plain rectangle for an island? I know you can do better than that Jukebox. Especially for Natsuki."

"It's in the shape of a trans flag for the trans natsuki headcanon! No need to tease me Trolli."

"Ahahahahaa, trans natsuki? I love trans rights as much as you do Jukebox, but natsuki has been proven many times to be cis." Trolli pointed out.

"Aren't trans flags just the same shape as-" Sakura began, but was cut off by YouTube personified marching in and throwing a throw pillow at Trolli. "DEMONITIZED! Slurs are not allowed on this platform."

Jukebox sighed and rested her head against her hand. Trolli shot back: "What, cis? Cis isn't a slur!" only to get another throw pillow thrown at him. "Okay, okay... I won't say it anymore, happy?"

"Can I just play my game please? Actually you know what I'm getting a snack. You all need to stop this bizarre drama before a fight breaks out in our comment section."

It was too late for that. Already an argument had begun between people saying "cis is a slur" and "cissy lives don't matter" but that wasn't the main problem Jukebox would have to worry about...

She walked into the kitchen, and got an unopened box of cereal out of the cupboard. Jukebox opened up the top, and with a crinkle she opened the plastic bag inside...

Immediately after it was opened, an arm reached out of the box and grabbed Jukebox by the collar prompting a surprised yelp from her. A second hand reached out too, holding a handgun and pointing it at Jukebox's face. She struggled but to no avail. "Mwahahaha... I just caught an imposter~" a voice said behind her. Jukebox heard sound of something phasing out of invisibility right afterward. "What the- Who are you?! Let me go! TROLLI! SAKURA! HELP!" She shouted, panicky.

Trolli and Sakura rushed in. "Oh no! Jukebox! Jukebox? W-Which is the real Jukebox?"

Behind Jukebox was Spookbox, except she wasn't wearing her usual demonic makeup and had clothes on that matched Jukebox. She just looked like an eviller Jukebox with her hands behind her back. Of course, her hands were not really behind her back at all, they were coming out of the cereal box. "I caught an imposter trying to steal our cereal!!"

"What?? Why would you do this imposter--are you the same one who tied my shoes together!? Hmph!" Sakura jumped up and down while asking this. "No! I'm not an imposter! Who is behind me, I can't see them! Stop being weird and help me! >_<"

"It's... You. Is this some kind of prank?" Trolli asked, looking quizzical.

"For real guys, it's me." Said Spookbox. "I think this is M. M stands for Me, so it makes sense that M would take the appearance of Me."

"What are you talking about??" Jukebox replied, still panicky. "I'm not M! I don't even know who M is! What do you WANT?"

"Hmm..." Sakura looked skeptically at the both of them. "Both of my senpais seem kind of sus... How can we tell?"

"It's simple. I'm good at games, so this imposter should have to play a game to prove it!" Spookbox suggested.

"Which game?"

"Project Libitina! It's scary, perfect for a Halloween special! And it fits with our theme, with our DDLC let's play being one of our flagship series!"

"Why didn't you think of that, other Jukebox?"

"To be honest I wasn't thinking about my channel's content at the moment, probably because I have a gun in my face..." Jukebox pointed out.

"Fair enough." Snarled Spookbox.

"So... I just have to play Project Libitina then? That's good I thought you were gonna take my money or something..."

"I'm also taking your money. Or should I say, MY money. Since you're pretending to be me."

Trolli and Sakura giggled at that remark.

"...Dammit"

"DEMONITIZED!" YouTube shouted from another room.

Suddenly, the screen went to black and white and froze in place. A rantsona appeared on screen, although it didn't resemble any real animal. It looked sort of like if you mashed a zubat from pokemon together with a teddy bear, made the resulting fusion really fuzzy and put a green cap with a red star on it. "ACTUALLY!" he said, although his mouth (which took up the whole face) only cut to a frame where it was open instead of having lip syncing. "Spookbox should not have been portrayed as the villain in this episode! She is a working class hero taking DIRECT ACTION against the bougie youtuber who makes millions off of playing video games! She was right to aim for recollecting Jukebox's wealth as a goal."

Sakura spoke up, since she was also a 2D character she could still perceive what was happening. Although she didn't move at all while speaking. "This is OUR video! Kindly bug off! No one wants to hear your deranged and incorrect-"

The odd rantsona shook violently for a split second, and the video cut to black.

Once the video flickered back on, Jukebox was jumping onto the couch, ready to play Project Libitina. "Wow, it feels like this video has been going on for a while! And we haven't even gotten to the game yet! So I'll keep it's introduction brief. Project Libitina was meant to come out in 2018, but Dan Salvado had several delays. Not this was in any way his fault, he claimed that after working on the game his health would rapidly decline and would receive death threats that made him scared to continue work. Eventually though, he was able to finish and now we finally get to play DDLC's sequel! Or... Prequel if Matpat is right."

Jukebox started up the game and watched as the intro played. A warning flickered on the screen, saying that the game was far too disturbing to be played by people without adaquete mental training and preparation.

"Wow can you imagine having that much motivation. Sick, scared, and he still finished the game? If only certain people could work with that much determination."

Jukebox looked indignant. "What, you mean me?"

"No." Trolli looked directly into the camera. This made everyone watching uncomfortable.

Spookbox swatted Trolli. "Cut that out! I'm supposed to be the creepy one."

"But-

"No fighting, I need to hurry up and film the gameplay segment." Jukebox interrupted.

"All right, with that out of the way, the beginning of the game gives you a nice recap on the portrait of Markov. You get to choose between playing as "Mister Jones" or someone just named "Squid". Squid looks kind of depressing, probably because there was pretty clearly an accident involved with her? I'm pretty sure the researchers tried to give her a powerful tentacle arm, but as you can see... It doesn't look like it worked very well."

"Sure this game isn't too much for you Jukebox?" Trolli asked, voice hinting towards actual concern. "Maybe the other box should have to play it first since it was her idea..."

"Nah don't worry, I'm a brave girl!" Jukebox reassured Trolli.

"So, we're playing as Mister Jones. He's a single father, his wife apparently died but it's not that important to the game really. He honestly seems over it, as mean as that sounds to say. But you see a lot of his internal dialouge and he doesn't seem too fazed."

"Right now we're doing an experiment to try and increase control over Libitina. She kept attacking researchers until we gave her a real bedroom. So my task is to watch her through the window until she gets so uncomfortable that she agrees to go back in her sleeping box instead."

Jukebox took a deep breath and swallowed.

"In fact, most of the game seems to be doing experiments on this kid. The catch is that she has mind powers and can mess with you and other characters in all sorts of ways. For example, since she can sense you coming to the window, by the time you look through it she's already staring at the window. As you can see she's pretty clearly scared of us, so she's going to try all sorts of things to get us to stop watching her. But if we can stay firm, she will become so distressed by being spied on that the only way she can feel any privacy is to go into her ventilated steel container we call her sleeping box. The goal is basically to make her wish she never demanded to have a real bedroom like a normal child."

Jukebox said this clearly, but her voice quivered a little midway through. "She will try everything to get you to stop watching her like I said. Right now I'm hearing things in my headphones like something is behind me in the game. Like an animal growling, someone breathing in my ear, twigs snapping from being stepped on. It's tempting to look behind yourself but if you do it reaffirms her power over you and she will get closer to the window when you're not looking. If she gets emboldened enough to reach you, you get a game over screen. But if you keep your eyes on her, it makes her feel powerless. See? She's trying to hide under her blanket. If she does that it gives you an opportunity to tap her window for giving her extra fear. Don't tap her window when she is looking at you though!"

"What happens then?" Spookbox asked, intrigued.

"I don't really want to talk about that, haha. You get a special game over, basically." Jukebox giggled nervously.

"Now, since she has the ability to draw nearby threats to you, you need to learn how to tell what noises are just her trying to trick you and what are actually dangerous. She won't approach the window when things are outside besides just you. So you can shoot whatever's threatening you. For being a chapter of the game where you just watch Libitina through her bedroom window, it's surprisingly unsettling for me- AAAA!"

A ghoulish person wielding a tool so bloody it was hard to tell what it was supposed to be used for yanked Mister Jones around in the game and swung the tool repeatedly at him. It moved with strangely few frames, like a rushed stop motion project. Jukebox was too late in reacting to the attack, and got a game over screen. The game over screen had Squid holding Libitina by her hand and leading her along a road in the middle of nowhere. They both seemed very happy about it.

"Ohh! Oh my god- that-- not going to lie, this game kind of gets to me. But I'm no imposter or a quitter so I'll just cut until after I find out how to beat this part! And that's just one of several things that can kill you in this part of the gsme!"

The camera cut to black just as Trolli started saying something. When it reappeared, Jukebox looked sweaty and Trolli and Spookbox were no longer in the room. "Okay, so, I finally got the win screen. It took a while, but we finally got Libitina to start shaking under her blanket, and at this point she can't or won't pull any more psychic nonsense on us. We still have to be careful about wandering enemies but we can freely look away from the window now. Any second now... Ah there we go."

A distant alarm went off in the game and a win screen popped up. "Success!" it displayed, over a background of research papers that were heavily scribbled on. A 2D anime style clip played of Libitina begrudgingly asking a researcher to please let her sleep in her sleeping box again instead of a bedroom.

"Now we can go on to the next task! Our need experiment is optional, and apparently is important to the lore according to literally the one post I could find online about the mechanics of Project Libitina. Seems like only a couple people have played it counting me, weird. The reason it's optional though is because it's "the main reason for the warning at the start of the game" but I'm a brave girl so we're doing it!"

Text scrolled on the screen as jukebox selected the chapter. "Knife Conditioning: to-"

Jukebox shuddered and turned off the game. "Yeah, no, not a brave enough girl for this. It's one thing to see disturbing stuff, another entirely to be the one causing it. I can see why this is a psychological horror game. It's just too much for me. Right you two?"

Jukebox turned around, and looked confused. "Trolli? Other Jukebox? Where did everyone go? Wasn't someone else here too?"

She shrugged. "Guess they got bored and left. Oh well! I'm Ivy Munger, and thank you all for a wonderful time!" Jukebox thought it over. "Well, maybe not wonderful but thank you for watching! And don't play Project Libitina unless you are REALLY sure you can handle the darker stuff. Apparently the game has a happy ending and I might get to that later in a future episode but I'm not doing the optional chapters I can tell you that much."

[legion-of-the-black]

Currently unnamed My Time At Portia Fic

I literally cannot stop playing this game, but that might be because I’m using it to distract me from my dysphoria

Anyway I started writing a Trans masc Builder x Arlo Fic

One. Introductions.

Light, Dee was glad to have his feet on solid ground. He must've been in Portia for half a day already, but he swore he could still feel that darn boat rocking. Still, every step he took getting this builders license and registration felt good. He practically shook the movements of the swaying boat trip out of his legs with every stride he took. Finally, he was at his goal. His first commission.

"Anyway, since this is your first commission, I've kept one just for you." Presley turned to Dee with a sheet in his hands.They stood in the Portian commerce guild building, finalizing his place in the guild.

"Playing favorites are we?" Dee heard a condescending sneer from behind him. Turning, he saw a lanky man with black hair behind them.

"Higgins!" Presley exclaimed, as the new man took the commission sheet out of his hands "You've already taken one today!".

Higgins spun on his heel and walked away "There are never too many commissions. Good day!" He shut the guild door behind him.

"That runt." Presley said "He's the owner of the current number one workshop. Brilliant businessman, but I don't like the way he does things.". Dee looked at the older man, thinking about the implications of his statement. A bully? After a moment, Presley continued "Well, I'm sorry, that was our last one today. You'll have to wai-"

 Bang! The front door slammed open, kicked in by a man with short, messy red hair.

"Hey Pres, I've got a job for ya!" His voice was deep, and accented in a way Dee hadn't heard before. His gut twisted in a strange way. The afternoon light caught the hair of the stranger, and gave him a brief halo of light. He was dressed practically, work boots on, a pair of goggles strapped to his waist. He wore what looked like a uniform jacket, and dark practical pants. A light blue bandana was tied around his neck, and slightly askew.

"-Or not. What is it Arlo?" Presley finished. The man put his hands on his hips, triumphantly

"We're looking to build a bridge to Amber Island."

"So the Mayor finally put up the money? Well! Young Dee here is up for the challenge." From the way the two spoke, Dee assumed this bridge had been spoken of for a while.

"Yeah, he figured that place could be a real tourist attraction, with the haunted cave and all." Presley turned from Arlo

"Dee, check your Pa's Workshop Handbook to see if he has a bridge diagram in there. I remember he built a bunch. If it's there, use it at your Assembly Station. After you're done with the bridge pieces, you'll need to go to the designated spot and assemble the bridge. Also, and this is important, for a project as big as a bridge, you'll probably need to dive into the Abandoned Ruins to gather materials. We have one such ruins in Portia, it's located at the bottom of the Church tower."

Arlo jumped in scratching at his anchor beard, though he seemed to be missing the mustache for it "I can help you with that. There are a couple ruins around the town actually, but we in the Civil Corps maintain them."

"You're from the Civil Corps?" Dee cut in

"I am actually! I am the captain of the Portian Corps." Arlo smiled at Dee for a second, before returning to the passive expression he had worn for most of the conversation. Dee didn’t like the way it made his fingers tingle. "Before you hop in to the ruins, we'll kit you out with some loaned gear.".

"Thank you," Dee said "That's very kind."

"We do it for everyone, but you're welcome." Arlo said

"I guess I'll hop on and get started with all this then," Dee said, starting take her leave.

"Yes! Please do get cracking" Arlo said "I've got to go back to my duties as well, I'll head out with you. Presley." Arlo nodded at the man, and walked out of the building, Dee trailing behind with a wave to Presley. The note left from his Father felt like it was burning a hole in his pockets.

----------

Dee stood alone, in front of a small tree. His long blue hair gently swaying in the breeze, he sighed. Did he remember how to do this right? Picking up his axe, he swung the tool into the trunk. Wrong angle. The axe slid down the tree, peeling away the bark more then chopping.

"Damn it." Dee swung again, harder. The axe caught in the wood with a satisfying thunk. He pulled out the axe and struck again, and again. Soon the tree was down and cut to pieces, and another quickly joined it. Soon more trees fell, as sweat began to pour down Dee's face. He wasn't used to this kind of work, and did not have the stamina or muscles for it. Wiping his brow, his hair long tied behind his head to keep it out of his way. The wood would do well to fix up his fathers old house… well, his house now. His sleep last night had been shocking, the elements perfectly capable of getting through the holes in the roof, and the cold seeping in through the cracks. He'd almost been embarrassed as Arlo had walked him to his house yesterday, while pointing out various locations around the town in the distance. If Arlo thought anything of the state of the home, he didn’t say a thing. Dee would have to go ask Arlo about those ruins soon, as he'd never been in ruins before. Dee had certainly knew of ruin diving as it could be a popular past time. Some of the ruins people dived in were safe, some less so. He hoped Portia's were the former. That would wait for tomorrow though, because this house needed fixing first.

 Arlo wasn't snooping. He was… scoping out the new arrival from yesterday. Making sure he was all above the board, so to say. He didn't want  to not know if he had a third Huss or Tuss being a thorn in his side after all. This was his job as Corps Captain. Of course. Arlo stood in the Peach plaza, watching the new builder cut trees in the land surrounding Portia through the exit archway. His hair was long, and untied. It swung around, punctuating each strike he sent into the tree. It had to have been died that vibrant blue. The strange chemicals of the calamity had changed the natural appearances  in some family lines, so hair colors could "naturally” be unnatural colors these days. Arlo's red hair was like this, but he'd never heard of blue like that before. Arlo's hair barely counted as unnatural, but it was just a touch too red, and his family had had the trait going back generations. The intensity of the red fluctuated for every member of his family, some with only reddish brown hair, some with firetruck red. The builder set down his axe, finally tying his long hair up. Honestly, Arlo was impressed at his stamina, considering even Higgins looked stronger then him. He’d expected the builder too have flagged long ago, and take the rest of the day to rest. Ah well, a month of work like that, and the new builder would be tougher in no time. Dee picked up his axe and went back to work on the trees, picking a new adversary to fell. With a final glance, Arlo decided to jog on on his patrol, as all seemed fine with the new builder.

[writing-reading-inspiring]

hey, could i request an imagine where the reader is a trans guy who’s in peter’s high school and one day he’s over at peter’s house and peter and ned coach him on how to look/act like a guy? can be funny or serious lol

Hey sweetie, so I hope that this is good and what you wanted. I’m so sorry if I disappoint or if I don’t represent trans guys correctly in this. I don’t have any personal connections to anyone who is trans, so I had to go on what I’ve read and seen. I’m sorry if how I portrayed them is wrong and I truly hope none of it’s offensive, though it shouldn’t be. I also want to apologize for how long this took to write. I have been super busy the past couple of weeks and I wanted to write this correctly, so I did some research as well.

(y/b/n) - your birth name

“Now, I know you’re nervous, but all you have to do is be yourself. Trust me, everyone will love you, bear.”

My mom smiled at me as we pulled into the parking lot of my brand new school, Midtown High. I sent her an appreciative smile as my heart beat rose to be so fast I was sure she could hear it.

Apparently my hunch may have been correct because she took my hand and looked me in the eyes.

“Listen to me, you’re going to be okay. I promise. Your father and I made sure to look for only the best educational systems when we moved. I know transferring half way through the year is tough, but sweetheart, there are so many opportunities here. I know you’re going to find the best ones.”

My mom always knows what to say to calm my nerves and get me thinking straight again. I took in a deep breath, counted to ten, and released. I’ve been doing this exercise since the guidance counselor at my old school taught me it to keep me calm when other students commented on how I’m transgender. 

“Thanks mom, you always know what to say. I should probably go though, I think I heard the bell. I love you.”

“I love you too. Have an amazing day, I know you’ll do great.”

I grabbed my bag and got out of the car, shaking off any remaining negative thoughts I had. There’s no point in being scared when I haven’t even encountered the students yet. I mean, they could be really nice, right? This is supposed to be a school for genius level students, so they’re probably educated enough to know that there’s nothing wrong with being trans. 

I began to walk the halls to my first period - chemistry. 

Luckily, my mom set up an appointment with the school to have them give me a tour last Saturday, so I know where all of my classes are. Being a transfer student is hard enough without adding on not knowing where to go. 

No one was passing a glance at me when I walked past them, so my hope began to rise. I know students will be able to tell I’m new in my classes, but at least I won’t feel like I’m clueless all the time.

The bell rang just as I made it into Mr. Cobbwell’s room. Now comes the fun part, seeing if there’s a seating arrangement. I’m praying there’s only a seating arrangement and not a mandatory introduction. 

“Excuse me, sir. I’m the new transfer student. I was wondering if there was a seating arrangement that I should be aware of,” I asked who I assume is the teacher with my best smile.

“Well, there isn’t assigned seats, but a lot of students are already partnered up. We’ll find you someone though, don’t worry. For now, let’s introduce you to the class.”

My stomach dropped at his words. I knew that this was going to cause some confusion, but hopefully no hate. The school has to have my legal name and I haven’t fully transitioned, so I was going to have to inform everyone of who I actually was in an embarrassing way.

“Class settle down, I know we just had a break, but it’s time to get back to learning. We have a new student here today, Miss (y/b/n). Is there anything you would like to say to the class?”

“Yeah, um, my name is actually (y/n) and it’s Mister.”

Mr. Cobbwell was about to reply when I student yelled out from the second row. “Wait, so you’re not a chick? There’s no way you’re a dude.”

My cheeks flared red as I stood mortified in front of the entire class.

“Shut up, Flash. Leave him alone, there’s no need for your commentary.”

I smiled gratefully to curly haired boy who spoke up for me.

“I’m very sorry for the mix up Mister (y/n). Why don’t you sit next to Peter? Peter raise your hand for him.”

The boy who told the rude guy off raised his hand. I smiled and made my way over to him, even more grateful now that I know I won’t have to deal with anymore comments.

“Hey, I’m Peter. It’s nice to meet you. So you transferred?”

“Hey Peter, I’m (y/n), but you knew that since I was introduced a second ago. Anyway, uh, yeah, I just transferred from Cynthia Jenkins.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Your old decathlon is really good. We went against them last semester.”

I couldn’t help but laugh a little, “Yeah, I would hope so, I was on it.”

His eyes widened, “Really! We could really use some new members if you want to be part of it. We’re meeting after school on Friday in the lunchroom”

“You know what? I’ll probably check that out. Thanks.”

He smiled again at me before beginning to take notes of whatever Mr. Cobbwell has been talking about. I quickly got out my school supplies and began working.

The class continued on with notes until the bell rang.

“Hey (y/n), if you don’t have anyone to sit with today at lunch, you could always hang out with my friend Ned and me. We sit near the back.” Peter spoke to me before I could bolt to my next class.

“Oh, that would be cool, thanks Peter.” He nodded at me before heading off.

Most of my classes followed the same formula as chemistry. Get introduced, correct them, take notes. It was honestly really boring, but at least no one has said anything bad about me being transgender.

It was time for lunch and I was worried that Peter didn’t really want me there. He could have just been being nice, but given that I don’t really know anyone else, I’m still taking my chance on him. 

I spotted Peter next to a boy who I’m assuming is the Ned person he was talking about. Peter saw me just a second after and quickly waved me over.

“Hey (y/n), this is my friend Ned. Ned this is (y/n), he just transferred from Cynthia Jenkins.”

“Really? That’s so cool. I know some people there, they’re pretty chill. So why did you transfer?” 

I nervously scratched the back of my neck. This was kind of a sore subject, but of course Ned didn’t know that.

“Um, well, let’s just say some people there aren’t as chill as the ones you know. Sorry if that’s rude, I just don’t like talking about it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.” I could tell Ned felt bad.

“No, it’s cool, you didn’t know.”

Peter quickly entered the conversation again trying to lead us away from the subject. “So (y/n) is thinking about joining the decathlon team. He was on the one at his old school.”

“That’s great, we really need some new members. A couple of kids quit after the whole Washington incident last year.”

I quickly figured out what he was talking about. “Wait, it was your decathlon team that was in the elevator at the Washington Monument last year?”

They both nodded their heads in confirmation.

“Dude, I saw that on the news. At least Spiderman was there to save you guys. That’s pretty cool.”

Peter perked up at the mention of Spiderman, “So, are you a fan of him. Spiderman I mean.”

“I guess. He does a lot for others, you know? He really looks out for the neighborhood and I appreciate that. It was a good thing he was in Washington though.”

“Yeah, thank goodness for Spiderman,” Ned spoke nervously now for some reason. Peter nudged him a little before turning his attention back towards me.

“So (y/n), it was really weird that Mr. Cobbwell called you (y/b/n). Did you get the problem fixed? I’m assuming there was a typo in the system when they were transferring your information.”

I sighed, thinking of how to explain the situation best. I was hoping he already figured it out, but I knew I’d have to tell people eventually, so it might have well been now.

“Actually, there weren't any mistakes. My birth name is (y/b/n).”

I could tell the two were confused by this, so I quickly continued.

“I’m transgender. My birth name is (y/b/n), but I go by (y/n) now. The school system needs my legal information and since I haven’t fully transitioned or gotten my name legally changed, the system has different information than I go by.”

The boys seemed shocked for a moment, but they quickly recovered. Ned was the first to speak.

“That actually explains a lot. No offense, but you don’t really look too masculine. Then again neither do we, but I get it now that I know you were probably raised a bit different. I hope that wasn’t offensive.”

“No, you’re right. I was raised to be different, but I’m just not. I was born in the wrong body and I’m working on correcting that. I hope that’s not too weird though. Some people at my old school had a problem with it and I was really hoping that wouldn’t happen here.”

Peter gave me a smile, “Don’t worry (y/n), it doesn’t change anything. Hey, do you want to hang out today after school? We could all go to my apartment to do something. We could also talk more there since lunch is almost over.”

“That would be great actually. Thanks for inviting me.”

He nodded his head before Ned interjected, “Yeah, that’d be cool. We could teach you how to be a manly man too. Just like I am.”

Peter gave him a look and scoffed, “You wish. He’s more masculine than you are.”

“(y/n) may be, but does he have a cool hat? No, so we have much to teach him.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the two. I could tell this was going to be fun.

Lunch ended and Peter quickly gave me his number and told me to meet Ned and him near his locker after school. 

The rest of the school day was boring and went by slowly as I waited to be able to hang out with Peter and Ned again.

Eventually the dismissal bell rang and I bolted from my English class. I texted my mom earlier and told her I was invited over to a new friends. She was ecstatic that I was already making friends.

I met up with the two where I was told and was greeted with warm smiles.

“Ready to go? I just got a new Lego Millennium Falcon set that we can put together,” Ned told me excitedly.

“That sounds like fun. I really like Star Wars, it was the first movie my dad showed me.”

“Really? That’s awesome. Ned and I are huge fans, obviously. We actually built the Death Star last semester.” Peter was quick to inform me.

“That’s really cool, I definitely want to see it. Darth Vader is my favorite character, I don’t know why, but I always favor the villains in movies.”

Peter gave a nervous laugh, “I hope you don’t favor the villains in real life.”

“Nah, just movies. The one’s in real life absolutely suck. I prefer the superheros.”

The three of us continued to talk about whatever came to mind as we made our way to Peter’s apartment. By the time we were in the door, I was able to tell that I would get along really well with the two of them.

“So, this is my home. My aunt May isn’t home from work until six, so we have some time to ourselves. You guys are welcome to stay for dinner, but I don’t know if you’re going to want what she makes. I love her, but her cooking isn’t exactly the best.”

Ned and I laughed at Peters comment, Ned nodding his head in agreement before we all went to Peter’s room.

“So, do you guys want to watch a movie? We could watch Star Wars or another classic like Jurassic Park or Back To The Future.”

Ned replied to Peter first, “We haven’t watched Back To The Future in a while. You good with that (y/n)?”

“Yeah, I’ve never actually seen it.”

The two looked at me like I just told them I eat human hearts.

“What?”

“You’ve never watched Back To The Future? I can’t believe this,” Peter told me.

“We’re fixing this,” Ned interjected, putting the movie into the DVD player connected to the TV. 

The three of us watch the movie, following it with Jurassic Park and Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi.

Half way through our third movie, our attention started to falter from the film and we began talking again.

“Yo (y/n), I just remembered. We have to coach you how to act and look more like a guy,” Ned said suddenly.

“Oh, yeah. Okay, where do we begin?”

Peter started first, “Okay, so you obviously have masculine characteristics given that that’s how you identify, but we kind of need to teach you how to have others realize.”

I nodded my head in agreement. “A lot of people still consider me a girl, it would be nice for them to think of me as I actually am.”

“Exactly, so let’s start there. We’ll begin with the typical posture and style.”

Ned began to object, “Peter, I don’t think you should be the one to teach him how to dress. Don’t worry (y/n), I got you. So, how do you feel about hats?”

Peter rolled his eyes and threw a pillow at Ned while I laughed. 

“Don’t be dumb. Anyway, (y/n), since we have differences in styles, we can talk about how to walk and stand.”

Peter got up and began to walk around the room in an over exaggerated swagger strut. He then proceeded to stop, turn to Ned and me, and folded his arms over his chest while slumping. He quickly returned to normal, rapidly nodding his head while gesturing for me to do the same.

I timidly got up and followed what he showed me. As I uncrossed my arms, we all burst out laughing at how ridiculous this all was. 

“Th - that - was absolutely terrible. It has nothing to do with you (y/n), just Peter’s terrible teaching,” Ned was barely able to get out while laughing. 

“Hey, I did pretty good. In all honesty, there isn’t any set way you should act or look I guess. I think you just need to be more confident in yourself (y/n). I know whatever happened at your old school was bad, but people at Midtown are better. Well, maybe not Flash, but you don’t need to worry about him. Just be yourself and everyone will see who you really are.”

I smiled at Peter’s words. He was right, I just needed to be confident in myself and not worry about others judging me on who I am.

Maybe my mom was right, I will have a lot of new opportunities. I mean, I’m pretty sure I already started finding the best ones.

[goindanswingin]

Les Amis Webshows - Reviews!

So! There’s been a whole two new Amis webshows premiering this January! However, I’ve noticed not that many people are actually talking about them! New content, and we’re not yelling??

So, I’ve decided to give short reviews on their debut pilot episodes, as well as the first episodes of some other Les Amis webshows (I probably missed so many, feel free to add more if you know of them!) in order to maybe spread the word about some cool creators online as well as give y’all a lil more content to consume that isn’t just grim BBC Les Mis discourse atm

(I’ve reviewed them in the order they premiered)

1. Stories From Les Amies

This is a vlog story of the les amis with all the genders purposefully changed! Now this one has an awful lot of content to make up its plot, having premiered in 2013 and wrapped up with an HOUR LENGTH FILM at the end of 2014, so there’s a hell of a lot to digest here! The Enjolras behind this is actually also the author of TextingEnjolras/EnjolrasRising so the plot does bear some resemblance to that also! (Another piece of content I’d highly recommend if you’ve not read yet).

But, to keep it fair, I’m going to stick with just the pilot episode! It’s set up like a big group skype call with our amis introducing themselves, where we are first introduced to their personalities, mostly led by Enjolras although Combeferre acts a beautifully sarcastic arbiter. The video quality isn’t excellent, but surprisingly, the audio quality is pretty great (for every character except Marius), with almost no background noise or fuzz.

Enjolras: All of us make up a society that we call the Friends of the ABC

Enjolras: *awkwardly nods and grins*

Enjolras: Which is actually a pun, because... ABC pronounced together sounds like the word abaissés, which means “lowly” or “abased...

Enjolras: So... it’s... it’s a pun.

I know I’m only reviewing pilot episodes to keep it fair, but I will say yes, the quality of the series absolutely does improve over time, and I would highly recommend giving it a go if you’ve never seen it before! You can find the whole series here.

2. Official Les Amis Vlog

Premiering at almost exactly the same time as number 2 on this list, the Les Amis Vlog is similar in terms of quality but different in style. This is as it says - a vlog channel, with divided playlists for each character in the Amis. Every character uploaded vlogs between 2013 and 2015 introducing themselves, answering questions, and making content on certain themes. 

This one took me by surprise - I was very much underwhelmed by the camera quality and lack of plot, but once I started watching, I realised why the Les Amis vlog doesn’t have plot - it’s because instead of making up political issues and action, they actually discuss real politics - in the pilot episode, Enjolras actually talks about a real news article from Reuters and then goes on into an impassioned rant on public surveillance  - it’s kind of amazing.

Enjolras: I mean, you wanna hide your face for whatever reason? Well, congratulations! You’re now a potential t*rror*st for having stood in the way of the observational machine!

Obviously this one is much more about the characters than it is any sort of plot like we’ll see in some of our later series, but... these characters are by far some of the most convincing Les Amis I’ve seen! Particularly Enjolars - wow. So if that sounds like your kinda thing, check it out here!

3. Vines de l'ABC

A multimedia webseries that ran from 2016-2018, but mostly confined to Vines, this one in essence is similar to the Les Amis Vlog in that it is more character driven than plot driven - the different characters were all cast and then separately uploaded Vines (and occasionally YouTube videos) as well as answering questions to the main blog.

The first “episode” is, as common for these webseries, a video of our Enjolras introducing Les Amis and his character, then being interrupted by a phone call. The quality is webcam quality, the sound pretty fuzzy, but I do think Dorian here makes a great Enjolras... more on that shortly! Overall, the quality of this first episode isn’t super relevant to the rest of the series though, because as is obvious by the name, it’s mostly comprised of amusing little vines.

*Tik Tok by Ke$ha plays*

Enjolras: Hello? Did you change my ring tone again? ...Again? Well, I mean, I'm trying to do the video... No, I mean, I'm actually in the middle of doing the video right now, you're on camera... No, no I don't know how to edit it out... I mean, does he have a concussion, or..? *sighs* ...How did I know he had a concussion.

Obviously vine is dead, but everything is available here - if this sounds like your kind of thing, definitely go check it out! There is TONS of content for your consumption here.

4. Barricade Boys

Next up is a comedy/parody show from NyxRising, an already established group of YouTube cosplayers who’ve made lots of similar shows previously. This means, for a start, that the production quality here is some of the best you’ll see - great audio and video quality, basic but good set design, great costumes.

Now, let’s make it clear: if you’re looking for a brick accurate show, this is not the one for you. It’s a pretty ludicrous parody, with an unbelievably arsehole Enjolras with no notion of personal space, a Grantaire with weird sideburns and a crush so obvious it’s hilarious, a Marius so dumb he thinks he’s joining a “lonely hearts club” and a Courfeyrac so OOC that I don’t even know where to begin. 

But god damn, did this make me laugh out loud a good few times.

Enjolras: You do you, Grantaire. Nobody else will.

This one has a couple episodes out already, and I’d highly recommend if you want some laughs! You can find it here.

5. The Downtrodden

Aaaand... onto our January debuts! I’m super excited to give a review of the pilot episode of Shadow of the Tor’s “The Downtrodden”! 

One thing that stuck out to me immediately is that this might be the most diverse cast yet - we have multiple POC, and also a trans Enjolras - in both cases, there’s no self-congratulatory back-patting, but it’s made very clear and very casual, and it’s wonderful. Another point worth mentioning is that our Enjolras is the same Enjolras seen in Vines de l’ABC - and as I mentioned, I think Dorian is great at the role.

The Downtrodden seems to be going for an enjoyable line between plotty and humorous, and so far I’m super excited to see where they take it. The audio and video quality is outstanding, though the cafe background noises could do with being toned down just a tiny bit (as there are occasionally character lines in the background that are a little drowned out), but overall it’s by far the most professional looking alongside Barricade Boys (which had to contend with far less characters!). One comment I will make, though nitpicky, is that unlike Barricade Boys, which moves extremely swiftly through its jokes, The Downtrodden is edited just a pace too slow in one or two scenes, meaning the comic timing falls a little off and the jokes don’t quite get the reaction they really deserve.

Grantaire: You get free coffee refills here if you’re part of a student group. I gotta make that loan last.

Cosette: Do you consider yourself a politically motivated person?

R: I barely even consider myself a person.

C: Oh. Are you alright?

R: Is anyone?

Surprisingly, one of my favourite characters in the pilot episode was Marius! I often find he’s overplayed to death, but in this he appears a little dim but genuinely charming, and he got some of the best laughs out of me. I’d be interested to know how well all the jokes landed with someone who isn’t a Brit, however, since I’m super sold on all these characters being British uni students (student poverty aesthetic and Oxfam shopping bags, goddamn!), and also love Courfeyrac for the same reason - he seems like your typical friendly but laddish uni type, which works perfectly for his character. Also, I own that mug he has.

One of the strongest points, and a very common issue I have with Les Amis webshows (and the 2012 movie NOT GONNA LIE), is losing track of who is supposed to be who - I had no such problem with The Downtrodden - everyone is introduced naturally, gets at LEAST a line or two, and is beautifully acted - go check out the pilot here!

6. The Les Amis Webshow

The last one on our list - the Les Amis Webshow premiered on the last day of January!

First impressions of this webshow are: the most enticing hook yet straight from the beginning, and some of the worst sound quality.

After the introduction - structured as Marius speaking to us from the future - the pilot episode actually centers around a random film student coming up to Marius and asking if they can film him. Is this Cosette? Will we ever find out? Who knows, but for some reason Marius just takes it in his stride and lets this person follow him around, in what I can’t decide is a very weird move, or a very Marius move.

Jehan: Are you wearing your lanyard?

Marius: Yeah. Why? That’s what it’s for.

Jehan: (laughing) You simple little freshman!

Marius: *long pause*

Also Marius: We’re gonna get along great!

The editing is actually fun and a few shots seem to be going for something quite adventurous - I just wish the audio quality were better.

I like Enjolras so far - he seems very confident in himself and a little bit of a rich boy, and I’m really interested to see what they do with Marius, since this is the only webshow so far where Marius has been front and center instead of Enjolras - in that snippet at the start, he seems very anxious and weary - it’s very Empty Chairs at Empty Tables! Overall, this has the most “plot-y” vibe to its initial episode so far, and reminds me a lot of Stories from Les Amies, honestly. I’m very excited to see what they do with it, and am also euphoric at a REGULAR UPLOAD SCHEDULE unlike the other two which are currently running - Barricade Boys and The Downtrodden. Keep up with it every Thursday here!

Thank you so much to @starberry-cupcake for helping me compile this list!

highlight reel: @/SFLA who the fuck makes a feature length movie oh my god, the sheer levels of gay in BB, Marius’ super poshboy accent in TD (sorry if thats just how u speak Ethan), and best of all the German flag taking centre stage in tLAW - the european cynic in me is desperate to know why its there and hopes that you didn’t just mix up French and German flags lmao

[solidaritytek-archive]

Safehouse

FANDOM: D.Gray-Man PAIRING: Lavi/Allen/Tyki (Eventually) WORD COUNT: 2,365 WARNINGS: Abuse, Transphobia, Misgendering (All mentioned) LINKS: AO3 | FFN

Summary: For years, all he wanted to do was get away, to be free of his grandfather that demanded he be someone other than himself. Alone, it was an unattainable goal. Sometimes, your only option is to ask for help.

Lavi rubbed at his arm as he sat down at his desk, gently nudging his mouse to activate the monitor. He glanced around his room in hesitation before shifting his chair closer. He wanted to do this, really, but was absolutely terrified. If his grandfather ever found out, things would get so much worse than they already were.

But he was finally reaching his breaking point. It had been a long time coming, and he was surprised that he’d lasted as long as he had. Any normal person would have broken long ago, he was sure of it.

Of course, Lavi wasn’t really what people would consider ‘normal’, and he was fine with that. Honestly, the only reason he was even still living with the old man was because he had nowhere else to go. That, and the thought of what the man would do if he found him if he left was enough to make his chest tighten in fear.

His grandfather was already abusive when he didn’t listen, he couldn’t even imagine what the man would do if he ran away. However, he was at a point where he was more than willing to risk bodily harm if it meant he could finally be free to be himself. He knew, deep down, that if this didn’t work out, he wouldn’t last long enough to finish his degree.

Taking a deep breath, he glanced towards his room door before opening a web browser. Having never done anything like this before, he had no real idea where to start. Despite having lived in this city for years, he didn’t know about any resources for people like him.

He cursed himself for not paying attention or reaching out when his university offered services for abuse victims. He hadn’t even cared enough to finish reading the announcement, stopping the second he saw the word abuse, so any resources that might have been provided were lost.

Staring at the blinking line in the search box, he sighed quietly as he tried to think of something to type. He was probably thinking too hard about it. He certainly wouldn’t get anywhere if he just kept thinking about it.

Letting out another sigh, Lavi finally moved his hands to the keyboard and hesitantly typed: resources for abuse victims. It was vague and, as expected, resulted in thousands of results.

A quick glance informed him that the first couple listed were within driving distance. Unfortunately, he couldn’t drive. Or, more accurately, wasn’t allowed to drive. He’d been given ‘permission’ to get his license, but had no car to drive, and he knew better than to ask if he could borrow his grandfather's for the day. Just thinking back to the last time was giving him a headache.

Which meant all of those options were simply out of the question. He wasn’t about to spend countless hours trying to convince someone to take him out there without telling them why he wanted to go.

Still, he figured it would be good to at least save them for later. If nothing else, he could contact one or two and talk to someone. If he ever got the courage to do so, that is.

He quickly created a new folder, named it something stupid like ‘songs for studying’, and saved each website that looked promising, making sure to name them something inconspicuous. Hopefully that would discourage the old man if he ever demanded to look at his laptop. Again. That had been embarrassing and a very bad week.

Shaking his head, he opened another tab, leaving the other one open for the moment. Hesitating again, he considered if he should really type in what he was thinking. The old man would really have his head if he ever saw it.

“Fuck it.” Lavi muttered to himself, typing it anyway. Once again, thousands of results were returned. He should have expected as much. If people felt the same way he did, there would logically be a large online community.

One downside he could immediately see to having this many results was that he had no idea where to start, or which ones were legit. He’d learned a long time ago that there were a lot of people who baited people in with things like this to harm them.

He would definitely need to look into each one before signing up to any of them. Fortunately, it was easy to eliminate some of them from the list, as they required a credit card to just create an account. Whoever thought that was a good idea needed a reality check, and an ass kicking.

Then there were the ones that were so badly designed, he had no idea where the option to even create an account was. So those were immediately thrown into the trash.

The next website he clicked on caught his attention, though. It looked nice, things were easy to locate, and there was a post on the front page that linked to a lot of online resources that didn’t rely on location.

Scrolling down, the next post was a list of rules. As he read through them, he was relieved to see that they were all pretty understandable, some of them even common sense. Or not so common, given that it needed to be stated. Sometimes he wondered how people could be so stupid online.

The next post appeared to be an introduction for a couple users. However, when he looked closer, he learned that these people were the ones who ran the website. LenaLady, a cute lesbian who just wanted to help people; CrownClown, a nice genderfluid guy who apparently helps his adoptive family run a shelter; there were a few more, but before he could read any further, he heard a car door slam.

Lavi knew he still had about a minute before the old man reached his room, but he immediately started panicking. He closed his browser, and turned the monitor off, grabbing the closest book he could find.

He flinches as the door opens, hoping that his grandfather hadn’t noticed. He can feel eyes on him as an awkward silence follows, but he refuses to look up.

“Why are you so tense?” Bookman snapped, tone unmistakably accusatory.

Placing his book down, he shrugged as he turned to face the man. “Just cramps...” he mumbled, hoping that it would be enough to placate him and prevent any more questions.

Bookman continued to squint at him, making him shift uncomfortably. Finally, he nodded, glancing around the room with a scowl. “Clean this up. Dinner should be ready in a few hours.”

Lavi nodded, flinching as the door was slammed when the man left.

He let out a sigh as he started to relax after a minute, looking around the room. It wasn’t that messy, in his opinion. There were books laying around from working on assignments, and the clothing he’d removed the night before. But other than that, it was relatively clean.

His eyes eventually landed on the bra resting on his bookshelf. Just looking at it made him hyper aware of the one he was currently wearing, causing him to scowl. He hated these things. All he wanted to do was tear it off and throw it in the trash. But that wasn’t possible.

It would be so much more painful for him to go without one than it was to wear one. He really wished he had something else to bind his chest with, but there was no way the old man would ever allow that.

He still remembered what happened the first time he’d ever brought it up; he’d never seen him that angry before. Bookman had never dismissed him so quickly before, insisting that he didn’t know what he was talking about, that he was just being ridiculous.

But Lavi knew that he wasn’t being ridiculous. He knew how he felt, and he wasn’t going to listen to someone telling him that he didn’t know his own feelings.

He really didn’t understand why Bookman was so against it, and it wasn’t like the old man was going to bother explaining it to him. He just knew that ever since, he’d gone out of his way to purposely use his birth name, use feminine pronouns, and introduce him to people as his “granddaughter” instead.

Every time it happened, it felt like a stake to his heart, but there wasn’t anything he could do. Any time he tried to speak up and correct the old man, it never ended well. He still had a bruise from last time.

He hated it. Which was how he’d ended up here. He wanted to leave; he needed to leave. He wouldn’t survive much longer if he didn’t.

Glancing back towards his door, he listened quietly to ensure that his grandfather was downstairs and wouldn’t return to tell him something else before turning back to his computer.

Turning the monitor back on, he opened his browser, relieved to see that all the tabs were still open. He didn’t even hesitate to return to the forum and begin the sign up process.

As soon as he was content with his profile, ensuring that it gave no real indication to who he was or where he lived, he began looking for a place to post.

It took a short time to relocate the forum designated for introductions, and he immediately opened a new post. Now he hesitated. He wanted to use his chosen name, but was worried people would judge him for it. Though it was either that or his birth name, and he shuddered just imagining these people calling him that.

Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he finally began typing.

Alright so, I’m new to this website, and have no real idea how these things work, but here goes nothing. I’m Lavi, I’m 22, currently enrolled in university, and recently came to the conclusion that I’m trans.

I know that might seem a bit weird, but I mean. What can you do? Sometimes it takes you 20 years to realize that you don’t want to be a girl anymore.

But anyway. I don’t really have any friends who know I’m trans, and my family isn’t the most supportive either, so. I figured ‘what the hell! it couldn’t hurt to check out an lgbt+ forum’.

So, I’m really hoping some of you are as nice as you seem, because I’m honestly desperate for some friends who accept me for who I am.

He scowled a little, knowing that seemed a bit harsh to his current friends. After all, Yuu had pretty much said “I don’t give a fuck what your gender is, you’re still annoying”, which was one of the nicest things he’d ever said to him, even if he didn’t realize it.

But having more than one friend was something he knew would help at least a little. It wasn’t like he hung with Yuu much outside of school anyway... Bookman was convinced that all he wanted was to get into his pants, and refused to listen no matter how many times he told him that Yuu already had a girlfriend.

So, all in all, his life really was as depressing and desperate as the post made him sound.

Sighing, he took another deep breath and hit post. Now it was too late to change his mind, so all he could do was wait for someone to respond.

It would probably take some time for someone to see it, so he minimized the browser and pushed himself up from his chair.

“May as well clean while I wait.” He muttered to himself, moving to pick up the clothing scattered about. He’d learned a long time ago that disobeying his grandfather’s orders meant suffering, and as much as wanted to leave the mess out of spite, the fear was much stronger.

Tossing the clothing into the hamper, he bent down to pick up the books and papers scattered around the floor. Just as he was stacking them into a pile, a loud ding came through the speakers of his computer, making him jump and freeze in place.

Heart racing, he turned his attention towards the door, expecting the old man to come stomping up the stairs any second. Fortunately, after a minute of kneeling there in silence, he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding.

Quickly standing up, he placed the stack on his desk and pulled up the browser again. Sure enough, there was a small red ‘1’ hovering over the envelope icon.

Adjusting the volume on his computer so that it wasn’t so loud, he clicked the icon to see the message.

As expected, it was a comment from someone. What he wasn’t expecting was to see that the username was one he recognized from the front page.

He took a deep breath before clicking on it, really hoping they were as nice as their introduction sounded.

Hey there Lavi! It’s nice to meet you. I’m LenaLady but you can call me Lena. I’m so glad that you decided to reach out, I know how hard it can be. But I promise, you’re more than welcome here, and we will never judge you.

However, I do have some questions for you. I know they might be hard to answer, and you don’t have to answer if you’re not comfortable, but I am concerned.

You mentioned your family being unsupportive. I’d really like to know more about that. In what way are they unsupportive? Do they just not use the correct name or pronouns? Or is it worse than that?

Again, you don’t have to answer! I just want to make sure you’re safe.

By the time he finished reading, Lavi felt like he was about to burst into tears. All he’d done was introduce himself, but the response was so full of kindness and concern that it was overwhelming.

Smiling to himself, he clicked the reply button, unsure if he was going to answer her questions honestly. But he knew, deep down, that this had been the right choice, and he couldn’t wait to see where it went.

[angelwithoutleave-moving-blog]

Not a Doctor | Castiel & Sam

Pulling my thread with thexboyxking over here from the archived blog~ My next response will be reblogged directly from your blog to this new one!

To say Sam Winchester was miffed would have been an understatement.

Of course that wasn’t to say he didn’t like what he was doing for the Morningstar Law firm he was interning at but he didn’t like THIS part of it. He didn’t like that he was stuck on research duty. Scratch that. Sam LOVED research. It was a passion of his and why he got stuck with the job more often than not. What he didn’t like was that he was stuck researching THIS.

The fact was, try as he might, medical terms just weren’t his thing. When it came to medicine, dosages, side effects, or even just medical law terms Sam always blanked. He’d even tried to explain that to Ava and Jess but they’d both just shrugged and told him they all had to do their fair share of work…which was their way of saying they hated this case too and didn’t want to have to spend hours looking through medical crap.

Heaving a sigh Sam closed the book he was going through and rubbed at his eyes. The issue with the case was that the incident happened ten years ago and the research done hadn’t made it past a few medical journals here and there, none of which had been posted online. It meant a lot of books, a lot of notes, and Sam was still coming up empty.

Getting up he grabbed the copy of the journal he’d just finished skimming through and made his way back down to the medical section of the library, exhaustion weighing heavily on his shoulders. He’d find something soon and then he could go home and pass out, that’s the mantra he fed himself anyways as he walked the now familiar path.

                    “Excuse me, sorry. I just need to put this back.”

He offered what he hoped was a friendly enough smile to the man in the row of shelves with him but he doubted it looked anything more than an exhausted rehearsed attempt at politeness.

Spending long nights nestled between the shelves of the school library was par for the course for Castiel Novak. Even when he was an undergrad, he could be found among rows of books more often than in his own dorm. It wasn’t that he had so much more work than the average medical student – though the program for neurosurgery was particularly rigorous – but more Castiel’s own habitual research tendencies that kept him immersed in large reference volumes until one of the librarians shook him awake.

A few of the professors who found his lengthy essays either intriguing or bothersome mislabeled it “overachieving.” Really, it was just insatiable curiosity. He couldn’t seem to shake an obscene addiction to footnotes, no matter what the topic was. If he hadn’t taught himself to speed-read a very long time ago, his reading list would be unmanageable – it nearly was already, seeing as it was never-ending.

He knew he was already collecting information he couldn’t use. His paper was on the effects of malaria on the brain, and he’d somehow ended up skimming a chapter on the life-cycles of trans-organism parasites. His internal clock told him that it was already late, and it had an unfortunate tendency to underestimate.

The shadow caught his attention first, suddenly casting the fluorescent-lit page into darkness. He’s barely looked up before the tall man was pardoning his passing, and Castiel nodded with an accommodating step back. He watched as his fellow student replaced a book on a shelf and stared at it under thick eyelids. He looked like someone trying to read a foreign language through a haze of exhaustion.

Hesitantly, Castiel cleared his throat. “What are you looking for?” he asked. He didn’t work here, but he probably knew the medical section better than anyone who did.

Sam tore his eyes away from the books in front of him and looked at the man offering to help. From the looks of it he was a fellow student but not one bearing a name tag indicating he worked here in particular. What Sam did notice though was the fact that he was not only in the medical section but was reading a book on it too so maybe at the very least he could point Sam in the direction he should be going.

“Umm well, I don't know really.”

He heaved a sigh and dug the palms of his hands into his eyes rubbing away a combination of frustration and sleep.

“I’m looking for a medical journal written by Dr. Robert Calvin. It never made it past his journals but the research is on a radical sleeping pill he’d developed and tested on a small group of volunteers with insomnia. It’s just…it didn’t pan out so there’s not much written about it but I need that journal for a…”

A case.

Already he’d said too much more than he should have been.Their library had the journal, at least it had Calvin’s full collection and he really needed the notes from that particular study and some of the subject’s names in particular. The problem was there were ten journals and no one seemed to know which one it would be in.

“I guess unless you've read these you probably can’t but hey, thanks for the offer.”

It wasn’t often anyone around here offered to help anyone else. Most people, Sam included, were too weighed down with their own work and studies to do much more than utter a quick apology when bumping in to someone else.

Castiel had already ascertained that this wasn’t a medical student, and that was precisely why he offered to help. These texts looked like Greek even to undergraduates in his degree program, let alone people who had never read a diagnostic manual – and who clearly belonged in a bed rather than a library.

He stepped just a little closer to hear the man’s explanation, his brow furrowed with concentration. As soon as he mentioned the name, Castiel’s expression eased, and he straightened, waving off the student’s dismissal.

“Insomnia studies are indeed found in this section, but Dr. Robert Calvin was a psychologist. He was observing the effects of sleep deprivation on mental health, specifically anxiety disorders. His experiments were ahead of his time, though, and unfortunately, he lacked the proper equipment to find the results he was looking for.”

He paused, realizing that his nearly encyclopedic knowledge of anything pertaining to the brain might sound… pompous. Clearing his throat, he finished, “He never found a correlation between insomnia and neuropsychology, so those journals weren’t published independently. The collection of his journals is in the psychology section, though. Three rows that way.” He pointed to indicate.

Dropping his hand, he averted his eyes and stepped back. “At least, I hope that helps.”

Sam wasn’t sure if those studies would be of particular use or not but he was willing to look through them and see if there was any information on the medication their client insisted had made her ill. It there wasn't anything in the ones he was being directed to then they could very well lose their case on unfounded basis and Sam didn’t want that to happen,especially not because of any leads he left unturned.

                     “You seem to know a lot about this stuff.”

He grinned and put back the journal he had started pulling out.

                     “I know you probably have your own stuff                      to be getting to so thanks for the help. I’m                      Sam by the way, Sam Winchester.”

It wasn’t always exactly easy to make connections around here unless of course it was with the other student interns helping around the office. Usually in the library he would keep to himself but this guy had been nice enough to each out and say something to him first which made him a nice person in Sam’s mind.

                     “I should go find those journals.”

Castiel was trying to make it seem like he was more interested in the book he still had open in his hands, but it was difficult to keep his eyes off of the handsome stranger. He felt anxiety lurch in his stomach at the comment. “You seem to know a lot” wasn’t usually a compliment, in his experience. But when the man flashed him a smile, Castiel was surprised, and he tried to return it a moment after that window of socially appropriate response time had closed.

“I’m… Castiel,” he answered the introduction, trying to catch up. “Castiel Novak. I’m a medical student in the neurology–” He stopped himself before he kept Sam up talking about himself, like so many of his classmates had an unbearable tendency to do. “Anyway, I read here a lot.” Once he said that, it didn’t sound like a sentence. “Good luck,” he added with a nod, “finding what you’re looking for.”

He went back to staring at words on the page in front of him, though not reading them. Social interactions never really came naturally to him, but being complimented by someone attractive reminded him that he really wasn’t completely certain he belonged to this species.

It was about two hours later that Sam had finally found what he was looking for. It was at least enough to swing their case in the right direction and he’d only found that because of the other student. As he was packing up his books about to leave he’d considered swinging by to say another thanks and see if maybe Castiel wanted to hang out sometime. When he didn’t see him in the same section Sam gave up and decided to just leave instead. He still had some work to do at home before their meeting tomorrow morning with the client.

Later when he looked back at the situation he’d blame the lack of coffee and the over tired rundown feeling of needing a good night's sleep for not seeing the dog. Besides who kept a dog on campus anyways?

He’d barely hit the thing but Sam knew from its whining it was hurt and he knew from picking up a stray two weeks ago that there wasn’t a decent vet within half an hour of the campus which all bus sucked. Pulling off his over shirt he wrapped it around the dog lifting it into his arms and debating what the hell to do.

Maybe someone in medical…he didn’t have a lot of friends though. Castiel…the kid from inside had mentioned something about being medical though. Something about neurology but still…that was something at least.

Setting the dog in the passengers seat he turned and headed back to the parking lot throwing the car in park before dashing into the library.

             “Cas?? Castiel? Hey,has anyone seen a medical student              named Castiel?”

He was being too loud, hollering for Cas and earning looks everyone trying to get work done and god if it was reversed he knew he would be heated but he had to find Castiel again if he was in there.

If nothing else, his run-in with Sam reminded Castiel that the book he had been reading was barely even tangentially related to his research. When he tried to go back to it, he couldn’t remember what footnote in which manual had gotten him to the chemical effects of bactrim in the first place. He put the book back in the pathology section and returned to the small table, tucked in a corner between the anthropology and environmental sciences sections, that he may as well call his desk.

He had to reread his progress and, after trying in vain to find follow-up studies to support his hypothesis, came to the unfortunate conclusion that he needed to restart his paper with a different one. By the Time he finished the outline, his eyes were puffy and heavy. It was only more disappointing to know that this outline, which seemed rough and sloppy now, would probably look like complete nonsense in the morning.

He was just collecting his things when shouting from the main lobby made his brow furrow. People sometimes failed to contain their outbursts even within the sacred walls of the library, but not usually at this time of night. Immediately after irritation flared in his blood, concern crept up Castiel’s spin right behind it.

And… those syllables sounded familiar. But why would anyone be calling for him?

Abandoning his belongings at his tucked away table, Castiel strode to the stairs and reached the top of them in time to confirm that someone was indeed shouting his name. By the time he reached the first landing, he registered the very new voice.

“Sam?” he asked, quickly crossing the open room as soon as he reached the bottom stair. “What’s wrong?” He was almost surprised by the degree of calm control in his own voice. Adrenaline was flooding his veins, and Castiel was now wide awake.