#probably not hesitate to tear down everything I built and revoke my privileges lol

[ofcloudsandstars]

omgg so today when I was on a break I had a phone call with one of my witch friends and I was telling her about all these great things happening that makes me feel so grateful but now I am kind of being confronted by my cowardice? Like it’s a new shadow side of me that’s like the next boss fight I have to get over but now that I’ve reached this area of accomplishment and new privilege I have the opportunity to tune out things that no longer impact me that may negatively impact others, but obviously I don’t want to be this way but also it’s like I now have so much to lose since I’ve built up so much here. 

 I was giving her recent examples like recently I went to this protest (and protests give me so much anxiety with crowds and police surrounding them) in Hackney cause they are trying to get rid of a women’s shelter cause it’s prime real estate and they’re assholes and all of these people affect by the kindness of this shelter came to speak on how it’s helped them and their family not fall into the cracks of neglect by society that failed them and this woman from NO WHERE with the most wild expression on her face runs up to the stage to potentially do something malicious to the BLM organizer there but before she gets close, a dogpile of police just launch onto her in the most violent frenzy that erupted like it happened so fast you could not even keep up and then protesters start surrounding them trying to break up the fight but then policemen are swinging fists and batons at them. Naturally the organizer is upset cause this also feels staged with the woman as a distraction that popped off right during the BLM speech so she says to us: Since the police can’t behave themselves we are going to claim the streets. Omg my heart was in my stomach. Everyone just got onto the main road on Hackney and sat their ass down on the pavement and blocked traffic. People in cars were mad, double decker buses honking, there were police TRUCKS showing up surrounding us.. I really just wanted to run 😂 I just got promoted that day to a bougie desk job with private healthcare and benefits in central london (a millenial’s dream since the bar is so fucking low for us lol) and I was like omg what if I end up in jail for sitting in a street blocking traffic? I did keep my ass there and tried to put up protective wards and channel energy to allow me to fly off in case it needed but I had to fight every anxious fiber of my being to stay in that street with everyone else. Luckily the woman leading the protest knew how to command a space, like she had so much power and wisdom in her as a leader and she came to the street with a loud speaker and said: ok we got their attention and they learned their lesson so now that everyone has calmed down we can go back.. I was also glad I did not run away cause like.. every black witch I have met in London throughout these 2 years just happened to be at the protest. London feels like a village, you can run into so many people in one space. 

Anyway I was giving other examples recently too where I had to face a fear and conscientiously realize that I could walk away cause I had the privilege to do so instead of risking my safety to help uplift others but like obviously I felt like if I had walked away in any of these situations it would start to turn me into something shadowy and stunted. But it’s interesting to acknowledge there is this aspect of shadow within me. I think maybe because before when I felt I had nothing to lose I didn’t care but now it’s like oh shit I feel like I’ve made it to some degree after YEARS of suffering and struggling and thinking I would never accomplish making it anywhere in life and now my life is synced with this weird lesson I have to learn. On top of that I just got an offer to do ayahuasca with a witch and alchemist I greatly revere but I feel like the whole trip and purging is going to just be me facing my cowardice on some psychadelic neon tropical house of horrors ride lmao.  Anyway the main point of bringing this up, speaking of synchronicities while I was on the phone chatting to her about this I see this man on a bike with the most ominous expression on his face riding so quickly with a bag and it looks so suspicious but I am like: omg mind your business.. Then seconds later a woman and man come running frantically and the woman is in severe distress cause the guy on the bike stole her bag. Omgg. My friend was on the phone with me as I was chatting about me trying to face the fact that I want to have more courage and take risks and stand up for others even if it means risking what I have and then she witnessed this whole drama with the thief and bag on the phone 😂 like it was terrible I was feeling like should I have done something but honestly he was moving really fast and I could have gotten like hurt if he was armed cause he had a kind of malicious vibe about him. I did stay to tell the policeman his details and pointed out the street CCTV so I hope I helped in that way :/ 

Anyway that’s a life update.