#psichotherapy

[shishmishimachji]

The Queen of growth

Far, far away, on the Sunny Hill, there was a city which looked odd and like it didn’t belong there. It looked reserved and prestigious, too tidy and nobles, almost utopian. Yet, if you give it a closer look, there were some cracks where the nature found its ways to make it look more natural. It was constantly in the battle to make the monument as it is a part of this world.

Looking at it, you are not so sure what to expect and how to prepare yourself. It was known that the fortressed city was run by the Queen. She was smart, arrogant and unpleasant, yet somehow, there were some legends about her being fragile and warm and that she actually wants to be closer with people and has so much love and knowledge to offer. On the outside, she was craving for perfection, directness and didn’t waste any time whatsoever. Organisation and persistence were her codes to survival.

Some were brave and went there to ask for a hand of her daughter. But, that didn’t go so well. They were either manipulated, crushed to the ground or get laughed at and kicked out. 

So one day, an odd looking fellow knight came, ready to concur the heart and soul of the princess and the kingdom. He knew he should focus just on his goal and not on Queen’s obligations. As he came closer to the fortifications, he saw a graveyard of those who failed to enter, the leftovers of previously poured hot oil and many thrown arrows all over the entrance coast. He pull aside his weapons and calmly, with lots of respect, started the diplomacy talk standing in range of the guards that looked on him from above. He introduced himself, he sad he was ready for everything and also to accept any consciences. Yet, he has something to offer, something no one did before him. It was something, only the Queen can understand. As the word came to her, she become very curious and, somehow, interested to meet this young fellow. She felt special and enjoyed the attention. Most of all, she had a feeling he was somehow different. Therefore, she cut all the arrogant and irony crap and ordered the gate to be opened. Hmh... just for fun. 

Once inside, he was stroked by three guards. Each of them were demanding something in order to let him pass. The first one asked him what does he have to offer in order to be the best match for the princess’ perfection. He answered: “I am human. I am me. I am valuable enough just because I am, no matter if I experienced fails in life. They just made me wiser.” That left the guard confused, so the knight passed him easily, leaving him in the puzzle. The second one demanded to be pleased in order to let him pass. The knight smiled and said: “I do not own you anything. My focus is on my goals. I do not need to do anything. Everything I do is my own choice.” So the guard unwillingly agreed because, he knew, that was the truth. So he let him pass. But the third one, he was sure he will be the one that made this knight regret his decision, looking forwards for the Queen’s reward on his loyalty and courage. So he decided to unpleasantly asked for the knight to meet the expectations of the Queen, their society and to prove to be the one. This time, knight paused. The guard was sure he got him. Just by the time he was prepared to kick him out, the knight spoke, more confidant that before: “I am unique, just like you, just like the queen, just like the princess. We are all human. We need connections. You will not achieve it through brutality, but with generosity and broad-mindedness. You must admit, we all need love, and we can receive it in a way that is only familiar and known to each and one of us.” That left the guard with no words to defend. He did wanted to be accepted and not left alone on the pouring rain to be punished just for being a human. “We are all what we are and that is fine”, the knight added and continued friendly towards the castle. 

The queen was amazed, yet felt threaten. She was reserved and cold. This is her kingdom, her rules. What is it so special about this knight? How come he went this far? And why was she, in a way, fine with it?

The knight kneeled: “My lovely Queen, I am here to be at your service. I am here to be your right hand. I am here to give my contribution to your kingdom and add to your growth. All I ask in return is a hand of your perfect daughter and to hear me out. I accept you as you are. I accept her as she is. I accept all the power and the weaknesses of this kingdom. I will never ask you to give me explanations or betray your trust. You can be sure the princes will never feel left out. I can help you grow. Please, believe me as I say that you have more than enough kindness, heart and soul in yourself to go out in the world and share. Only then you will be human. Only then you will be free from the cage you put yourself in to. Only then you won’t feel empty but calm and satisfied.”

Everything was clear and during the years, Queen was witnessing how both of them, the knight and her daughter, felt so natural side by side. They were born to make connection and to grow together. As they grew, the kingdom grew. Everyone grew. Yet everything was in order, calm and in balance. At the end of her reign, the Queen was satisfied and confidant she made a right decision. She learned, she did not have to fight everyone, she can just be … her - wise and use diplomacy, share love and knowledge. So she tear down the fortress’ wall and instead grew up a lovely garden in a shape of a maze. All of those who are valuable enough to make a connection will find their own way through the puzzle. They will not struggle, because it will be already familiar to them. In the city, there was no need for the guards to be mean or unpleasant to anyone. It was fine to be caucus but not to judge anyone by their looks. They were thinking like - what can we learn from these travellers? What new materials do they bring to our land? How can we grow? What can we share? And the princess, eventually become a Queen. With her king, they traveled a lot, they meet other kingdoms and cities. They gave a lot and they received even more. 

Today, the city on the Sunny Hill is known to be the most welcome and non-threaten place where people love to go and visit in order to grow, but also to add their own influence to the city’s further development.

The end.

[vitorsouzamascarenhas]

Como lidar com a ansiedade: 1. Entenda o que acontece com você; 2. Entenda o poder da respiração; 3. Tenha uma resposta alternativa aos seus problemas; 4. Aceite o que não pode mudar; 5. Ocupe a mente; 6. Exercite-se; 7. Durma bem; 8. Evite o perfeccionismo. #ansiedade #ansiedadegeneralizada #therapy #cognitive #cognitivebehavioraltherapy #psichotherapy #psicoterapia #behavior #behavioranalysis #respiração Telefone: (71)4141-4567/ 3043-5344 E-mail: psicoterapeuta@vitorsouzamascarenhas.com.br (em Salvador, Bahia, Brazil) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bs-xNn0AHTT/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1jilihidz5xgf

[shishmishimachji]

I wanna!!! ... or why do we go against ourselves?

So, why do we do all those things that makes us feel so bad? In this category belongs all the food  we know we shouldn’t eat and our stomach will hurt, yet we greedily swallow it. Also, do you know that moment when you want to say NO but, somehow you end up accepting something which should be somebody else’s responsibility, right? Oh, and yes, all these moments when your gut is telling you not to do something or go somewhere or please someone, but you still do that? So why do we do these things if we already experienced in the past that we will be hurt, sad and so pissed off?

Actually the answer is simple. Either we want to punish ourselves for doing something, like in the first scenario. Maybe we are so bad at saying NO just because that means that we will make a fool of ourselves, we will not appear in someone’s eyes as we would like to. Or maybe we are overwhelmed with fear of being left alone and worthless. These are just some answers which are the most common in my environment. This is not something that is conscious. It is all about the unconsciousness. So what can we do about it?

So, actually, what you need to do is, firstly accept that you are doing everything for a reason and that reason might not be what you actually want, but what you are use to, what is familiar. That means that, if I am experiencing my parents’ behaviour as a kid and I am implementing that in my life (which is a common thing to do, they are your role models of an adult male and female) as a “normal” behaviour it is going to stay there and it is going to become your models of behaviour. You will eventually function by those rules on autopilot. Most likely we accept to clone the behaviour/thinking process/approach or to do the complete opposite.

When you start to acknowledge what are your models, what are you copying/doing the same or the opposite from your parents and why, that can actually help a lot. The only way you can do that is to kick yourself out of the comfort zone and be honest with yourself. For example, in my case, I was copying to be small, fragile and left alone puppy if the situation goes bad and in that way I was actually seeking for attention. My mom does that, also. I labeled that behaviour as asking for confirmation of love from the male, which he always provides to her after she acts like this. So I thought, unconsciously, that is the way it works. But then I tried that with many partners and it did not work. They were all annoyed by it and I was not sure what I am doing wrong. I will be pissed off at them telling them they were not god for me. It turns out my nature is to be strong, emotional, independent, resourceful and flexible. So when I act like a small fragile chicken, that is confusing the male and they do not buy it. Actually, it makes them feel like I am tricking them and they lost interest and trust.

So what I described up here is from the objective perspective. It took me years and multiple relationships to understand what am I really doing here. It took me effort and time to make the unconscious decision become conscious so I can understand it and do whatever I want with it. So it finally makes sense now. Here is another example. Let’s say you’ve just accepted the arrival of the new neighbour, although you know your husband find her more interesting and attractive then you and you will not feel so great in her presence. Your gut is saying NO, your ego is also endangered. But, you just said YES because you find it rude or you do not want to disappoint your husband by letting him see your insecurities and jealousy. What next? Now you are having all this conversation with yourself like: What to do? How to deal with it? What if I fail? Yet, you did it because you do not want your spouse to be mad at you and feel you are being antisocial or preventing him to meet new people. So you want to be a perfect wife and understanding so you do it even if you are not so happy about it in order to not loose credit in his eyes, basically. While you are processing this, the time is come and she is here. It really happened the way you imagined it. She is being so confident, enjoying the company of your husband and not paying much attention to you, nor does your husband. So you tried to take away the stage by acting like you need him to help you in the kitchen or maybe act out like you are filing sick or just go out for a walk and battle with a panic attack. At the end, you are pissed off, you feel weak, left alone and thinking about lots of stuff, exaggerating everything. For example “he is going to leave you over her and what does she have that I don’t” or maybe “I’ve could die there and he would not even notice it”, “he doesn’t love me any more” and so on. Your fear and insecurities are growing. Your emotions are hurt and your ego is pissed off and wants a revenge. You are blaming both of them for their behaviours but mostly her, right? How can they do this to you? You feel bad because of them. They are the ones to blame!

Actually what is really happening in your unctuousness, is that you are being so frustrated and mad to yourself because you put yourself in an unpleasant/dangerous situation yet you knew you were naked and unarmed. You were not prepared. Therefore, they are not to blame for your decision - you were clear that you are FINE with them meeting in your presence. You were fine to be in the same room with them. So that is why you are angry at yourself. You will decide either to leave everything inside and not express it - which is an act of trying to control your emotions, or you will just explode and let it all out - which is an act loosing control over your emotions. If you decide to control it, and you will naturally not be fine surprising it, your anxiety will grow and eventually all this pressure will cause you to implode or explode. In the first scenario, you will have a panic attack and in the second you will go crazy and act out childish not knowing how to control yourself. Either way you were pushing your limits until you no longer can keep it together. That will make you feel bad, embraced and even more weaker and exhausted. Sometimes you will say something which is not thought through. You will just spit out the raw material of your inner thoughts. In order to avoid to put yourself in this position in the first place, you have to go back to the begging which is - you sad YES to something you wanted to say NO. After analysing what just happened, analysing your acts and feelings, sequence of events and understanding yourself better, you can start practicing to change the core. So next time react at the very begging of the “game” you’ve fallen for so many times. When you hear the question on the other side that might put you in this or similar scenario, stop for a second and ask yourself: “What do I want? Do I have any benefits if I say Yes? Are they worth my nerves? Am I really fine with this?” And try to answer it with a sentence. Be precise and concise. Be direct and basic. Be honest here. If you have a fear of becoming stupid, incapable or rude, think about what that might bring you good, but on the longterm. If it’s an idea that someone will not ever bother you with their problems then great. Congrats, you’ve just get rid of one parasite! Or if that makes you reserved, then fine, the other side will next time think twice before they load a full bag of shit on you. Respect yourself and others will, too.

Remember, whatever you do, you always have the choice and after you chose, the responsibilities are on you.

[shishmishimachji]

Where’s my mind? ...or How to beat the perfectionist inside you. pt1

“Sometimes you lose yourself and that is fine” - said no perfectionist ever. I am happy to announce that I am feeling much better and healthy and ok with not being a perfections. So, what changed and what is the process? Well, it is tough accepting there is nothing perfect and that actually “the perfection” is reflected in the whole unperfected system. For me, and the people I know that struggled with similar problem, the answer actually lies in the battle aginst the fear of: 1) not being able to meet the expectations you put out for yourself; 2) being rejected while expressing yourself as you are - being a weirdo only you can be; 3) not meeting other people’s expectations and being left alone to be stupid “on the sidewalk while the rain is pouring and your stomach is crying and begging”.

In all three examples, the result is YOU ARE STUPID and YOU ARE NOT WORTHY ENOUGH. 

The fear is the strongest barrier, so why are we treating it so kindly and let it eat us inside and grow stronger? Actually I figure out that this “I must be perfect” thing is so exhausting, but I frankly did not had a clue at that time how to NOT be perfect and be fine with it. I was so scarred, feeling like no one understands me, my fears, my way of thinking, that they were all judging me. When I say all, I mean ALL - friends, family, my closest ones. I was left alone and everyone were shushing me and they, all had an idea what should I do, but no one was listening to me and my feelings. It is really hard to fight it, to talk and get out of this prison you put yourself into if.... no one is actually listening to you because they were actually struggling with their own fears.

So I started from the beginning. Firstly I wanted to understand my status, my fears and where are the cracks. Psychotherapy can help a lot, because it speeds up a process, but also you do not feel left alone to face your fears. To be honest, it wasn’t easy. It was actually pretty scary. Me, experiencing panic attack, like, regularly for a few months. And one day I went to see my sister. We went together on a a mini roller coster (I was a fan of adrenalin before so I just decided to go for it, again). So basically what happened - I was almost fainting in the middle of the ride, trying to be brave, and telling her to just be prepared to what might happen. Once we were down on the ground, I had an adrenalin rush for a while and the panic attack started. As time passes, it was just growing and growing. It took me a few hours in that mental state to understand and admit to myself - I was panicking! My aunt was trying to help by almost yelling at me to calm down, and my sister’s boyfriend was speechless. After asking so many questions and babbling nonsense, at some point I asked her how was she feeling just after the ride. The funny part was - she was actually feeling the same thing as me. That made realise that we were both frightened at the time and were experiencing a natural reaction. So I came to the conclusion which I said it to myself out loud: “You intentionally went on a ride that “sells” fear, which you DID experienced (as expected) and now you are FORBIDDING yourself TO FEEL FEAR? Isn’t that ironic? Where is the logic there?”  This made me laugh. And I guess that is the reasons why I remember it so well. So my conclusion was: if I feel fear and decide to prevent myself to feel it or let it show I will be seen as “weak” aka not perfect. So the more I fight it and surprise it, the more it grows, because it wants out. It is actually imploding and that is a panic attack. Your body is telling you to release it in order for you to function and react in order to survive. If you are a chicken without a head running around in circles it is most likely that you will end up dead.

I found my sentence that explained everything to me: IN ORDER NOT TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK, YOU SHOULD LET GO THE CONTROL, NOT SUPPRESS THE FEELING INSIDE, BUT INSTEAD - LET IT OUT AND BE FINE WITH NOT BEING PERFECT IN THE EYES OF OTHERS.

Now I head a motive and some strength because I understood what is happening. If you understand the reason behind the fear and you are fine with the consequences because they are not actually that scary, you are actually devaluating the fear. So next time I was experiencing the same thing, I remembered The Sentence and the cycle was shorter each time, until it never happened again. I was fine to be a coward and a lunatic and weak and not perfect - in the eyes of the other (or that was just what I thought they will see). If I am actually right, and they do look at me like that just because I am feeling shamelessly... that just means one thing - they are not adult and emotionally developed enough. 

That was just a begging but actually, every time I was experiencing any fear, the first step was always to admit it to myself and be ok with it. 

[shishmishimachji]

I can do it! ... or how to bring back confidence?

Be brave and confidant, you say, and you can do whatever!? Great. I am just missing one thing here - how to be confidant and believe in myself. It doesn’t look that easy now, right? So how can you boost your confidence or build one if you are really lacking it? We all have our ups and downs and sometimes, we just fall into ditch, not knowing what just happened and how to get out. I had an experience to fall in that ditch years ago and I couldn’t find my way to the top for so long. I was just not convinced enough that I will manage it. During a period of faculty I had my fighting mechanisms and they protected me, in a way, but also pushed me forward. During the last year of faculty and one year after, I was having a relationship which were interesting, intellectual and like no other before, but it become so toxic, yet so unfamiliar to me that I couldn’t understand what was going on. As I am a type of person who do not give up easily and want to “solve the problem” I’ve stayed with the guy. Eventually we were done and I fell apart. At the same time I’ve lost my job and I had to borrow cash to pay the last rent and move out from the apartment. It was a disaster followed by stress and  uncontrolled shaking. I thought I was ready to go in this world. I can do it! Yet, it turned out, it was not that easy. After a small break, I’ve started a new relationship which progress into a marriage and we are together for 7 years now. Even though my job is progressing and, obviously I was too, I was lacking confidence and I felt so unhealthy. After 2 years of living  together, I’ve decided to go to psychotherapy. I’ve learned so many things there, yet, I was still not myself. Two years ago I’ve decided to focus on that subject because I was feeling bad I do not have any hobby. In my case that was related to my need to be a perfect wife, meet my husbands expectations and during that time I forgot about myself. I wanted to change that because it was overpowering me.

So where to start? My psychotherapist gave me two tasks. I had to write two lists and start implementing the second one daily. The first one was about all the things I’ve done in the past few years for the first time in my life and I managed to pull it off. What that dd was giving me the full picture of how much I’ve achieved, how flexible I am and how diverse can I act. The list started with the motorbike ride, followed by something I ate for the first time in my life, continued with the fact I’ve made a wood carving and so on. The second one was about all the hobbies, sports and the things I’ve enjoyed doing in the past, but I’m not doing any more. In my case there were bungee jumping, ninjutsu and eating a cheesecake on the same list, and much more. In the beginning it was so hard. After the fifth one, I just couldn’t stop writing. The burst of nostalgia and lots of pleasant feeling overwhelmed me. The following morning I went to eat a cheesecake at Ikea (try it, it’s awesome). After that I made a sculpture in clay, and went hiking and then took a whole day for myself on the beach and so on.It is important hereto understand that IT IS NOT ABOUT THE RESULT, IT IS ABOUT THE PROCESS. It was so hard achieving this, to be honest. I was not focused well at all. At first I had a feeling I ma pushing something and it felt so unnatural. But after a while, there were some sparkles of joy and happiness here and there peeking. After 15 days, I already noticed the change in my mood, feelings and reactions. I was starting to focus more on myself, analysing what I want, what I need, and what I feel and think. I put myself first. After a month or two I noticed the change in other people, too. Our conversations were more mature, I was already a bit more confidant, I’ve had so much to say, yet I started to be a better listener, too. After less than 6 months I was feeling more confidant receiving feedbacks, even negative once. My eyes were wide open and I was hungry for more ME time. So eventually I made this a habit. Today, I am not doing the things on the list every day and it is not something which is a “must”. I even forgot about the list. Now I am happy to do the things that makes me fulfilled and I am looking forward to do it again tomorrow. it is coming to me  naturally for now.

During this progress it is also good if you may practice your confidence in the situations with other people, whether it’s your colleague, your spouse, family, friends… Put yourself in an unpleasant situation and try to learn from it. Use your knowledge about yourself and others to analyse what is happening, what are the games you are playing in these relationship. Do not judge or blame any one, even yourself. Just indulge and learn. As you confidence develop you will naturally be more fine with feedbacks and fails. You will ask for more, because you will know that is the only way to learn and grow. 

[youremyonlychoice-blog]