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fruitless-nonsense · 3 years

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Well… turns out I have a lot of opinions on characters I don’t even think strongly of. Who knew?

No joke, this is probably not as thorough as I like, but this idea came to me and I have so much to say that I don’t know how to structure it. Okay? Let’s talk about Damon Salvatore!

If you read any of my previous posts, you’ve probably gotten a decent idea of how I feel about him from my quick snippy remarks. I genuinely believe he is the worst character in the show. Yes, other characters can be more boring than him. Yes, there are people that can be more infuriating than him. It’s not simply who his character was, it’s how the writers wouldn’t stop messing with him that convinced me he was utter trash. Sit back, cause this could take awhile.

Let’s start with season one and the two brothers. Theory time! I’m strongly of the opinion the writers wanted a love triangle between Elena, Stefan, and Damon from the very beginning. Not that crazy to believe considering this show was born off the heels of Twilight’s grossing fame, not to take credit away from all the other shows at the time which featured a love triangle or two. From fanfics to original stories written by tweens I read when I was thirteen, love triangles were huge back then (in a way they still are fairly popular, but not like back in the day. Now I feel old). So they wanted a love triangle? Sounds cliche enough to be in the vampire diaries, what’s wrong? Well, there’s a bit of an issue with the candidates, or more specifically candidate. You see, Edward was a creep and Jacob was an incel, but you can say they weren’t monsters (well by my standards they were, but by YA standards they were pretty normal). I mean, the movie made a point to say the Cullens didn’t feed from humans, and they’re only seen killing in self defense, meanwhile Jacob is treated like a good person throughout despite everything. My point is, at least at the beginning, the story didn’t want to paint either candidate as irredeemable. Back to tvd season one, Damon tortures Caroline, kills Zack, two random humans, and that one football coach/history teacher, mentally and physically tortured Vicky Donavon before turning her against her will and made it impossible for Stefan to remedy the situation until he ultimately had to kill her to save Elena, and this is all from the first seven episodes.

Now, I used to think at least Damon was a fun villain, but was he really? I mean, yeah he could be funny, got a few chuckles outta me, but besides humor and violence what was his character? For example, in season one we are introduced to Stefan, a supposed “good vampire” who has taken a liking to Elena due to similarities between her and his ex before admiring how much better of a person she is and wanting a true connection with her. We later learn that his experience with his ex Katherine was extremely one-sided as he was compelled to love her to satiate her needs. Even later (still season one), we learn that his only drinking animal blood is because he is a ripper or “blood addict” as I call it cause even one taste of human blood and he’ll go on a rampage. So by seasons end we have a character who was a victim of serious abuse (which is never truly addressed in the show btw) and carries a rare vampire trait that makes not being a murderous psychopath incredibly difficult, yet he still tries to beat the odds and not hurt people. This is a lot to learn about a character in its first season, and it helps us gravitate towards wanting him to succeed. Stefan is what you would call a good character (at least for now). So that was all we got on the first candidate, what about option number two? Well, he’s funny and he likes to kill people, that’s about it. That ripper gene that Stefan’s fighting, Damon’s not someone who gave in to the gene to explain why he’s so murder happy, he doesn’t even have it! There’s nothing making him be a bad person, he just is one! Why? Your guess is as good as mine. The most we get is learning he had real feelings for Katherine and was never compelled to love her as an explanation for why he hates Stefan so much. Wow, two brothers at war over a girl one of them doesn’t even like. You can’t even say it was because Stefan turned him, because Damon says it blank that it’s cause of Katherine in 1x20, so don’t. So Damon kills for no reason, hates Stefan for a stupid reason, and has no personality traits outside of humor, murder, Katherine, and hates Stefan. With all of this on the table, my question is this, how do the writers expect me to pick Damon over Stefan in this love triangle with everything we got in season one? And the writers realized this.

Season two starts this long “arc” asking if Damon can be redeemed, or that’s what the writers wanted. Second theory: the writers realized they couldn’t justify Elena picking Damon over Stefan without ruining her character (lol), so they decided the best way to keep this love triangle idea afloat was to redeem Damon. The theory comes in when they realized they couldn’t completely redeem him because they had written themselves into a corner and being a murdering psycho with quirky one liners was his entire character, therefore redeeming him would take away what made Damon himself and so likable among fans (not me). I’m gonna pull the rug from under ya, remember when I said klaroline was not actually a love story, but was positioned and is still believed to have been one despite this fact? Same applies here. Did Damon ever go through a redemption arc, or did the writers want you to think that he did so they could have their cake and eat it too? Is there any actual story progression that show growth in Damon as a character? Nope. He’s sadder, wouldn’t say that’s him being a better person. In the early seasons, his characterization feels more like a seesaw than an arc. Sometimes he’s chill and helping with a plan, and the next episode he’s biting a chunk out of more innocent bystanders while abusing more women (*cough* *cough* justice for Andie). The longest I can say he was a genuinely decent person was in season six when he was trapped in the prison world with Bonnie (cause she’s the only character that would put up with his bs). Everywhere else, an inconsistent character, and I feel like that was intentional. They wanted to keep Damon how fans liked him while making him seem like a better person. An example is the introduction of Enzo, which I think was a ploy by the writers to make it seem like season five Damon was interacting with a season one Damon to show how far he’s come, but that doesn’t stick at all (mostly because Enzo’s crimes in the show compared to season one Damon’s feel less psychotic and malicious). All in all, to me Damon on his own was a truly boring character and even more boring villain. No motivation and no personality outside his infatuations. Which leads me into the worst plot line of my entire cw experience: Delena.

If you haven’t noticed, I hate this ship with a fiery passion. The only reason I think it’s slightly better than klaroline was at least the writers tried to write a story with them (keyword tried). I said they would have to ruin Elena’s character to have her choose him over Stefan, and I was right! Not only does she cheat with him (2x22 and other scenes from season three), it’s never explained why she likes him in the first place (actually in season six they say it’s cause he gave her Stefan’s gift necklace despite being in love with her, which is so stupid it made me laugh). Furthermore, why does Damon develop feeling for Elena? Supposedly it happens while he’s still obsessing over Katherine, so is that it? The turning point which pushes them together is revealed to all be fabricated by a sirebond. For real, the only reason Elena fell out of love with Stefan is because a bond out of her control made it impossible for Stefan to help her through vampirism and thus she had to lean on Damon for support. I know the show states the bond didn’t create her feelings merely heighten them, but it did isolate her from everyone else she loved and made it so she had no choice but to rely on Damon, and that’s not exactly better than the former. Let me say it louder for the kids that were corrupted. Codependency. Is. Not. Healthy. It’s toxic, and the trope in romance needs to die a horrible death. And the show knows it’s toxic, they bring it up all the time in season five and six thinking that will excuse them to keep going with it. Sorry hun, self awareness does not give you a pass. The worst part is the pacing. I mentioned the sirebond storyline in season four which takes up a huge amount of the season with them debating if her feelings were real before abruptly deciding Elena doesn’t care. Great conclusion, but it gets worse. Season five is pretty thin as far as a story, so what fills the run time is a storyline straight out of fifty shades. Fighting, sex, fighting, sex, breaking up because they aren’t healthy, sex, fighting followed by getting back together followed by more fighting and more sex. I can’t tell you what was gained after everything that transpired in the season. Lastly is season six which took time away from the first interesting villain since season three to give us an amnesia storyline! I’d tell you more, but if you’ve ever seen a movie you could probably explain it exactly. All that time that could’ve been spent in better ways, was given to something I stopped caring about by season fours end.

Honestly, the fact that the show treats this like the greatest love story of all time makes me less angry and more concerned, because the audience who watched this show weren’t adults who understand what love really is, the people who watched this was made up of mostly tweens and teens. I can’t get too mad, this trope is everywhere, girl helps abusive guy be better person while sapping away all her energy in the process was done before and is still being done today. All I ask is that the young adults who remember this show fondly understand how wrong this is. How people like Damon should not be pitied and relationships like Delena should not be celebrated. Ship whatever you want, but please tell me you’re okay. Are you okay? In conclusion, Damon is trash and Delena wasted my time along with being extremely toxic and abusive. Goodnight everybody!

#anti damon salvatore #anti delena #anti tvd and to writers #anti klaroline #damon salvatore #elena gilbert #stefan salvatore #Stefan deserves better #anti the vampire diaries #anti codependency

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skaylanphear · 3 years

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Some thoughts on Reki becoming “support”-- Rough Character Analysis

I've been keeping my distance from the Sk8 fandom as a whole, but I saw a post on twitter about the subject of Reki being made into "support" as far as skateboarding, and the poster seemed to think this was some kind of… bad take? I don't know who the original poster was, but based on their opinion, I assume they're very young. I'm not here to bash on this opinion, per se, but I have been thinking about the whole Reki being support concept and I think it's detrimental if people take this to be some kind of downgrade or demotion, or "lesser" position. Again, this is a very immature mindset to have and of course many people who watch Sk8 are very young, but for anyone who's interested, here's a healthier take on the subject:

For one, Reki realizing he might not have what it takes to be as proficient a skateboarder as Langa is pretty good on him, especially at such an early age. But I think the reason he came to this conclusion in the first place is because he doesn't want to be as proficient as Langa or whoever else, no matter how hard he tries. Reki skates because he loves it—he says this in the very first episode before going on to lose to Shadow. Yes, he is insecure about the fact that he's not as good as some of the other skaters, but in the end, I think he will come to realize that it's not being the best or winning that makes him love skating. A lesson that I wish a lot of young people would realize early on is that you don't have to be the best at something to enjoy it or be passionate about it. Life is not a competition and the sooner you stop viewing it that way, the happier you'll be. Initially, Reki was able to bounce back from a loss and still love skating—he was down on himself when he lost to Shadow, but was back on a board enjoying himself shortly after. It's when he started internalizing all the differences between himself and Langa that he started to really hurt. But this doesn't mean that the solution to his problems is to become just as good a skater as Langa—that's an upward battle that will not only ruin their friendship, but continue to cause him the same hurt over and over and over again.

Reki realizing that maybe his talent lies in making skateboards is not a downgrade from being a "professional" athlete, as Langa has the potential to be. And I will note that, in this particular post, the person said that Reki was not as passionate about making skateboards as he was the actual skating (or something along those lines), which is absolutely wrong. Reki has been shown time and time again to be exceedingly passionate about building and designing skateboards, as well as the techniques needed to use them appropriately and do all kinds of sick tricks. But this doesn't mean he'd destined to be the same kind of athlete as Langa. Langa doesn't know the first thing about skateboards or the mechanics of how to ride them properly. He can observe and learn and try, but it's always Reki that's pointing out why he's doing certain things wrong or why the board is reacting a certain way. Reki's passion for building boards is just as valid as Langa's passion for being a great skater and that shouldn't be undermined by the immature opinion that taking up this "supporting" role is somehow inferior. Skaters couldn't be skaters without that crucial support—Langa wouldn't be able to skate at all without Reki having taken great pains to create a board that fit his needs, and then taken the time to literally coach him through learning to use it.

Notice that a lot of football coaches didn't actually play in the NFL, nor do all commentators, nor do the people designing their equipment. Yet these people are just as vital to the sport—just as necessary. Did people miss the point where Reki specifically said that the only reason he wanted to beat the best people at "S" was so that he could brag about how he did it with his own board? That he made? Or that Reki is not just Langa's teacher, he's his coach? Note that as soon as Reki and Langa started fighting, Langa not only lost his ability to have fun skating, but he also lost any sense of discipline. That scene where he's thinking about Adam and whips around a corner, only to have a whole bunch of people yell about how dangerous that was to the people standing there was not an accident, nor was it coincidental that both Cherry and Joe were visibly concerned about his behavior, no matter how good he is.

Langa needs a coach, he needs Reki's support. That’s the whole reason he gave up snowboarding. It's hinted that it was his father who taught and coached him, who loved the sport so much that Langa came to love it. When his father died, so too did his love of snowboarding, just like his love of skating has dwindled with Reki's absence. No matter how talented a person is, going it alone is next to impossible. The people there helping you, supporting you, are vital and just as important to success as the person performing said sport.

Reki's ability to embrace his position as support or as a board maker is not a downgrade. If anything, it fits his personality much better than the competitive aspect. He gets too down on himself when he does poorly, and spirals when people compare him to others. He can be passionate about enjoying skating itself, but also in the building of boards and coaching of others (do people not get how impressive it is that he BUILDS his OWN BOARDS?! That's just as impressive, if not more so, than anything Langa can do—something Langa is very much aware of even if Reki isn't). Reki is exceedingly patient, helpful, and willing. He wants others to succeed. Him embracing these aspects of himself is not settling—it's him pursuing his passion in a different way than Langa. Being the "best" isn't and shouldn't be the end goal for Reki, nor should it be for Langa in the manner he's currently pursuing it, as I think he is going to painfully find out in the coming episodes. Langa deciding to prioritize skating with the "best" (and psychotically dangerous) skater despite how many people he's hurt is reflecting on Langa. Langa is passionate and driven and clearly ends up wearing blinders when he gets that focused, thus he is susceptible to becoming just as dangerous as Adam. Reki being his support—being his coach, being the person that makes it possible for Langa to skate at all—is the lynchpin that will stop Langa from becoming Adam (that's why Tadashi has the personality of having "no opinions." Reki always has an opinion—Reki will be what gets through to Langa where Tadashi failed with Adam. Tadashi and Adam are the unhealthiest version of what Langa and Reki’s relationship represents). Langa is the support and inspiration for Reki. How many times has Reki altered Langa's board to better fit Langa's needs? And how many times has Langa been absolutely astounded and amazed at Reki's knowledge and know-how? Their skill sets are not pitted against one another as Reki's spiral would want him to believe. The idea that the only way Reki can truly succeed is if he is able to "catch up" with Langa is the exact poison that is hurting him. Langa needs to be reeled back from his more dangerous tendencies and Reki needs to come to realize that his value is not set in comparison to other people. Both of them are currently allowing these faults to govern their behavior and that's why they're fighting. They're both acting irrationally and once they come to grips with who they really are and what they really want, they'll be much better off.

Reki is just as good as Langa for pursuing his passion in skating by going another route than just "being the best," and Langa can be a great skater without having to default to behaviors that hurt the people around him. They can both be support for each other, and be talented and "shine" in their own ways within the the world of skateboarding as a whole. The idea that one has to be the best "performer" in their field or passion is absolute poison and I would be very sad if this was the route the anime chose to take for Reki.

#sk8 the infinity #sk8 #renga #reki #langa #character analysis #a response to a post I saw but I don't know the source #doesn't really matter though #I still make my point lol

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introvertguide · 3 years

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Duck Soup (1933); AFI #60

The next film on the AFI top 100 is a throwback to before the Golden Age of Hollywood when "talkies" were new, Duck Soup (1933). This film was the last attached to a 5 feature contract that the Marx Brothers had with Paramount pictures. It was moderately well received at the time but has since become the most critically acclaimed of the Marx Brothers films. The movie is only 68 minutes and is absolutely packed with gags. It is not, however, packed with a storyline or plot. I want to very briefly go over the summary because that is not what this movie is known for. Let's unnecessarily start with...

SPOILER ALERT? THIS MOVIE HAS NO PLOT. IT IS ALL ABOUT SITE GAGS AND SET PIECES. READ AWAY!!! IT WILL NOT DO ANYTHING TO HURT THE EXPERIENCE!!!

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The film starts off with the wealthy Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont) insisting that a man that she is sweet on, Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho), be appointed leader of the small, bankrupt country of Freedonia before she will continue to provide much-needed financial aid. Meanwhile, neighboring Sylvania is attempting to annex the country. Sylvanian ambassador Trentino (Louis Calhem) tries to foment a revolution and to woo Mrs. Teasdale, and he tries to dig up dirt on Firefly by sending in spies Chicolini (Chico) and Pinky (Harpo).

After failing to collect useful information against Firefly, Chicolini and Pinky are able to infiltrate the government when Chicolini is appointed Secretary of War after Firefly sees him selling peanuts outside his window. Meanwhile, Firefly's secretary, Bob Roland (Zeppo), suspects Trentino's motives, and he advises Firefly to get rid of Trentino by insulting him. Firefly agrees to the plan, but after a series of personal insults exchanged between Firefly and Trentino, the plan backfires when Firefly slaps Trentino instead of being slapped by him. As a result, the two countries come to the brink of war. Adding to the international friction is the fact that Firefly is also courting Mrs. Teasdale, and, like Trentino, hoping to get his hands on her late husband's wealth.

Trentino learns from his femme fatale spy, Vera Marcal (Raquel Torres), that Freedonia's plans of war are in Mrs. Teasdale's safe and tells her to assist Chicolini and Pinky in stealing them. Chicolini is caught by Firefly and put on trial, during which war is officially declared, and everyone is overcome by war frenzy, breaking into song and dance. Chicolini and Pinky join Firefly and Bob Roland in anarchic battle, resulting in general mayhem.

After a fierce battle, the end of the film finds Trentino caught in a makeshift pillory, with the Brothers pelting him with fruit. Trentino surrenders, but Firefly tells him to wait until they run out of fruit. Mrs. Teasdale begins singing the Freedonia national anthem in her operatic voice and the Brothers begin hurling fruit at her instead.

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There are many exceptionally good and bad aspects of this film. On the good side, there are a couple of amazing set pieces that the Marx Brothers did like no other. The mirror scene in which Groucho and Harpo stand in front of each other and Harpo perfectly mimics his brother's movements was outstanding. Specifically, there is a point where Groucho stands outside the reflection and moves in a ridiculous way past what he thinks is a reflection. The mirroring between the brothers is exceptional. Add in the same dressing gown and cap to the actual resemblance (they are full actual brothers) makes for quite an effect. This mirror gag was first done on film by Charlie Chaplin almost 15 years earlier, but this is likely the most well known and best done example of the bit by real people. It was repeated by Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, The Pink Panther, Tom and Jerry, Scooby-Doo, and the Smurfs. That kind of mirror quality action was only repeatable through animation, apparently.

The constant wardrobe changes during the frenzied war scene have caused full speculative articles to be written. Groucho starts out in a Union officer suit, then appears in a Confederate officer suite, then a British palace guard uniform, and then in what looks to be a boy scout officer suit, and finally a Davy Crockett hat? The deep cynicism and anti-war sentiment of the brothers was blatant. It is summed up by the line "while you're out out there risking life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in here thinking what a sucker you are." The United States had just gotten out of a war and many militaristic leads felt the need to show off. This lack of care after feeling so dominant following WW1 was the mindset that in part led to the Stock Market crash and the Great Depression. There was turmoil brewing in Europe and many Americans wanted nothing to do with it after seeing so many young boys getting ripped apart by trench warfare and machine gun fire. The brothers were satirizing all of those figures that we use to teach boys to want to fight for their country. They also went after what they believed were the causes of many wars: money and moral indignation between powerful men.

Although the film gives the audience insight into the mindset of much of the population during those extremely turbulent times between wars, it also boasts some of the most unsophisticated humor of a new visual medium. The silly songs do not translate well and sound like something created by a child. With truly clever artists like Frank Zappa, the Dead Kennedys, and national treasure Weird Al Yankovic, the Marx Brother's songs just sound lame to me. I think the same of Groucho's one liners. With comedians like Mitch Hedberg, Paula Poundstone, Steven Wright, and Jimmy Carr, the work of Groucho Marx feels seriously dated and quite cringy.

The real let down for me in this particular film was the fighting between Harpo and the Lemonade salesman. In fact, the character of Pinkie was "The Joker" levels of psychotic. I know he represented the constant undermining of communism. That is fine and makes a good point. Practically speaking, though, he reveled in causing problems for no reason and he was a constant nuisance. I have been around a lot of teachers and they sat that students who act like that are the bane of everyone's existence. It may be witty, but it is not funny. I have seen movies like Borat and Jackass, who are at least very creative in the way they cause problems and mostly harm themselves. I legitimately hate the character of Pinky and find him devoid of any real humor beyond the mirror scene. I also realize that Chicolini is a play on Mussolini, but I didn't really find him funny either. I want to emphasize that these are my opinions and I welcome comments on why Pinkie and Chicolini are hilarious.

There are some things that I do forgive and almost find charming. Directors from the silent film era had to emphasize that their actors over dramatize their lines so that the audience could get even a modicum of tone. This over-the-top dramatic speaking continued with many actors into the era of talking pictures. You can tell that this film was made near the change over because a lot of the actors talk like they are making one continual speech. Just about everyone is projecting for the cheap seats, and I totally appreciate it and smile. I also appreciate that the Marx Brothers absolutely jam pack the film with gags. I don't think many of the gags are funny, but I acknowledge that the movie is 68 minutes of constant jokes and the Marx Brothers made a concerted effort to give their audience the most bang for their buck. Good for them.

So does this movie belong on the AFI top 100? I am actually going to say no. I think that Horse Feathers is a funnier film and has the iconic football scene that got a screen cap on the cover of Time magazine. If the AFI was going to choose a Paramount produced Marx Brothers film, this one seems to me to only be second or third choice of the five. Would I recommend it? Sure. It is definitely dated and the jokes will not make a lot of sense any more, but some of the scenes have become iconic and it is fun to see what has been so heavily referenced in current media. It is a pretty fun movie to sit back and just experience for an hour, so I would give it a shot.

#marx brothers #duck soup #afi films #comedy #black and white #1930s #groucho #harpo #zeppo #chico #mirror scene #introvert #iontroverts #one liners

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saintheartwing · 3 years

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Breaking Dawn, Part Four: HOLD ON HOPE

The entities of emotion were, to many a race, creation deities. They had beget many a species, including the Irken race, a race born from a union of Intelligence and Will.

And now the species born from Hope was poised to end the Irken race. High above the planet Irk, aiding the Resisty ships as countless others formed a blockade to cut off Irk from the rest of the galaxy, it appeared as though all of Irk's hopes laid in the Wing, the host to Hope, herself an Irken...

"Please." She insisted, clasping her hands together, getting on bent knee before the Meekrob race as the "lighties" hovered before her. The rest of the Resisty stood behind her, Lard Nar frowning slightly. He had had reservations originally about having her join his crew, but she'd proven invaluable, gentle, and above all, considerate. She had owed the Resisty a debt after they'd saved her life...and she'd repaid it time and time again. Now she asked for clemency...

"Can't we give them half a year?" Lard Nar finally asked. "...I don't like the idea of giving the Irkens much time, but just a few months to surrender?" He went on, waving his hands in the air. "It's only fair."

"Would THEY give YOUR race the same mercy?" The leader of the Meekrob growled in its ethereal voice. Sarong was not a kindly being by nature. "DID they give your race half a year to submit before they pitilessly invaded, foul little BUGS that they are?"

"...aren't we supposed to be better than the bugs?" A third voice spoke up, as they turned to see two people stepping off a teleportal pad, dusting themselves off. "The Massive's been moved. Sold. Fresh off the market and on it's way to a very, VERY happy customer."

"Well, THAT would put a smile on my face had I a face!" Sarong laughed. "...alright. I'll give the Irkens a MONTH to surrender to our blockade, to come over to our way of thinking. Get the message out." The phantom-esque glowing being demanded, turning his head to his people as they moved along with the Resisty to the communications relay. "I sincerely HOPE...for your people's sake...they do the smart thing and give in." Sarong told the Wing.

"I have faith that they will make the right choice in the end." The Wing said as she stood up, nodding firmly, moving majestically back to her quarters as she laid down on her bed, noticing her room's communication was going off. She picked up the phone, listening intently. "Yes?"

"...milady, it's me."

The Wing's eyes went wide as the Entity of Hope shimmered overhead. "Turn up the volume, quick." It asked.

"What's happening?"

"The worst, that's what. My friends tapped into your powers with the Exemplar rings. I NEED access to Hope. I need a way to break a hold that Two has over Earth's Avatar of Will, Dilbert Membrane. Otherwise he won't have a fighting chance and...and kids are gonna die."

"I'll be happy to assist, but what of the Entity of Will? Have you contacted it?"

"I don't know where it IS, only you, Compassion and Love are on my speed dial...I don't suppose any others have appeared that could be of help?"

"...the Entity of Corrupted Passion, Rage. He's appeared, but he...he won't help. Not yet. We need to have faith in Sude, who is still bonding with his own host."

"They need to hurry. YOU need to hurry."

"I'll do what I can. I must ask though...you'll need a deputy to assist you. Dib is the Pillar of Will on Earth, is he not?"

"And Gaz is Rage, yes. And you wanna know if there's one for Hope on the Base Planet? Yes. And you know him."

"Who?"

"Skoodge."

The Wing chuckled. "Oh, Skoodge, that dear little soldier. Such a cheery soul. Always looking forward, always devoted. Yes...yes, I don't think we need to worry, Frequency..."

The Wing and Entity of Hope, Psyche, smiled.

"ALL WILL BE WELL.”

Dib paced around in front of his classroom, sighing as he held his hands behind his back, chewing his lip. The Principal had announced that everyone was to leave the school building in an orderly fashion, one class at a time due to a bomb scare.

Naturally, everyone thought Dib or his sister had something to do with it. Mostly because Zim and his weird "cousin", Skoodge, wasn't in class to be pointed and hissed at. M"Alright. I am about to tell you the explanation but if I know you all...and I DO..."

He rolled his eyes at this. "You're all so ignorant you won't believe it. So here goes. A psychotic alien forced a magical kind of ring on me and my sister. He turned us into Manchurian agents that would have decimated the school around lunchtime due to a trigger he put in us. I'm still not entirely sure why. But you aren't buying ANY of that, are you?"

All of the class looked at each other, blinked, and most of them broke out into laughter. Gretchen just sighed, leaning back in her chair, head hung low as Dib sighed and pinched the space between his eyes, chewing on his lip again. "...all right, fine. Nevermind. Moot point, anyhow." God they're all IDIOTS! I'm surrounded by ID! I! OTS!

"Moot point indeed." A voice, filled with snarling rage, a faint laugh lingering in the air called out.

KRUCHA-THROOOOOM! The wall was practically shattered as Two barreled through it, encased in a red energy aura, slamming Dib through the wall on the other side, windows and wall shattering. Soon the class, in fact, the whole school was watching as Dib was sent sprawling across the football field of the High Skool, Two standing tall, fists clenched as red energy rippled from his body.

"Ah, RAGE." Two laughed. "The "Passion" turned dark just like "Diligence" became "Avarice"! A step up, in my humble opinion. See, unlike Miyu, who's off to visit my daddy dearest here in town, I don't "want it all". Nah. I think smaller. I'll just settle for my existence restored to stability as your world is transformed into MINE."

He leapt through the air, fist flying, but Dib managed to roll out of the way, Two growling angrily. "Forgot, I gave you until after lunch to have most of your will back...and I DO suppose stripping any chance you have of fighting back against me would be cheating." Two mused as Dib leaped to his feet, pointing his ring at Two.

"GO!" He yelled out.

Tiny little sparks jutted out, wisps of green slipping to the ground...but nothing. Nothing happened.

"Then again..." Two laughed, his knee going squarely into Dib's gut, knocking Dib to the football field's grass below as he cracked his neck before delivering ANOTHER kick to Dib's side, "I also have kept you from using your ring. So it's hardly a fair fight. I LIKE these odds."

THWUH-THWUCK! Dib was rolled over onto his side as Two knelt down, grabbing his throat. "I...am going to beat you so...so...badly. I'll make this last. And then, after I've stopped by this lovely Chinese restaurant in town for some noodles..." The alien leered, his golden eyes glittering like a dark fire. "I'm going to come back, have you and your sister burn this whole place down with everyone in it, and make sure you're conscious through it all. See, I WAS going to strip your consciousness from your body after this, but frankly...I think me leaving you helpless, trapped inside your own body has a certain poetic CRUELTY to it, wouldn't you say?"

He sniggered darkly, throttling Dib with his clawed hands. "Ooh, I LOVE me when I'm NASTY."

KRA-THROOMP! Two was knocked clean through the air as Gaz lowered the bench she'd carried from the end of the football field, folding her arms down at Dib. "Get up, you idiot. If ANYBODY'S gonna kick your ass, it's me and me alone."

"Thanks, Gaz!" Dib said, laughing with relief as he stood up and made to hug his dear sister, arms stretching wide. I-"

"If you get REMOTELY sentimental I'm feeding you your own nose." Gaz said swiftly, Dib shutting up and turning to face Two as he stood up, nursing a bleeding head as he frowned at them.

"Gaz...almost forgot about you. You know..." He rubbed his chin. "...you look so much like my great aunt, at least, from what the old photo albums showed of her. How'd she die again? Lab accident?"

Gaz turned pale at this. Not with fear, though. This was pure, undiluted grief running through her as Two dusted himself off.

How does he know about Mom? Dib thought.

It had been an ordinary day. Well...as ordinary as life with Prof. Membrane GETS. Peggy Membrane was listening to him speak about his latest invention in his laboratory as Dib, age 7, and Gaz, age 5, stood nearby in the Professor's considerably larger-on-the-inside-than-it-was-the-outside garage laboratory was lighted up.

"How uh...how does...this...um..." Dib asked again as Prof. Membrane strode by him, a strange, bulbous helmet atop his head as he fiddled around with a screwdriver and a control pad in his long, black-gloved hands. He was wearing his large labcoat...he ALWAYS wore his labcoat in the lab, but never in the house, thank God. Peggy always said it smelled too much like plastic.

"Compression technology." The professor laughed. "Shrinking something very, very, VERY big and compacting it into a pocket dimension, I'M A

GENIUS!" He hovered in the air, lightning splitting the air around him as Peggy quickly snatched Gaz away from an accidental bolt that almost singed her hair. "Sorry, I've GOT to be more careful about where I gloat, my dear." Matthew Membrane told "Pegster", taking the helmet off and motioning for his family to come by a table with several vats nearby labeled "DANGEROUS: EXPLODING CHEMICAL COMPOUNDS! DO! NOT! OPEN! SUPER-SERIOUSLY!" written over them.

"What's that?" Peggy inquired, pointing at his latest invention, what appeared to be some kind of mechanical clip for the hair. "You told me your invention was SMALL and unassuming but...you DO know somebody's already invented these Bluetooth things, right?" Peggy laughed.

"My dear, it's a device that lets me speak any language! Even to animals!" Prof. Membrane laughed, pulling on a lever nearby as several cages filled with animals popped up from beneath the floor, all of them looking at the family.

"Ooh, big kitty!" Gaz said, pointing at the tiger as Dib looked at a snake. It began to hiss, it's eyes almost...glowing?

Prof. Membrane quickly led Dib away from the cage, the snake cursing under its breath as Membrane held the strange, segmented clip up, giving it to Peggy. "Put it in your hair. It will transmit signals to your brain, to the part centering around language recognition. All barriers are broken down INSTANTLY! The aftereffects have been odd...something of a shared link...I talked with that bunny yesterday and after that I kept thumping my foot against the ground for half an hour."

Peggy put the clip in her hair and stared at said bunny as it chuckled. "Ooh, have I got a carrot for YOU!" It said, giggling immaturely.

"OH!" Peggy clasped the sides of her face with her hands, gasping. "You little!" She waved her finger at it and took the clip off. "Maybe I should go find a nice CAT or something to talk to." She told her husband. "Here you go, Matt."

She tossed it back to him and he stepped back to catch it...

And he went knocking into a plank that had a small vat of "Exploding Chemical Compounds" placed on the other end. Like a catapult, the small vat was launched through the air at a stunned Peggy as Dib looked up in horror, eyes widening, Gaz's mouth beginning to open in a gasp as Matthew Membrane watched most of his wife become a sloughed pile of flesh...

He never took off the lab coat after that...there was always a tiny bit of Peggy still lingering on the edges of his collar...

A tiny bit of Peggy lingering in his heart.

In ALL of their hearts...

"Do you know what rage TRULY is? The most powerful kind of hatred ISN'T born from ignorance or prejudice or from a perceived threat. Oh no." The alien waved a claw in the air. "Those are Fear in disguise. The real fire that fuels the burning hatred of rage...is personal loss. That's why I wear the red."

Two held his fist up as Gaz and Dib readied themselves, Gaz shaking angrily. "You lost your mother, you must have felt so unhappy, so ANGRY. You didn't understand. Why, why did it have to happen? And I think you blamed your father...and a tiny bit of you blamed your brother, because neither one of them were strong enough to help."

Gaz opened her mouth to say something, but then closed her eyes and clenched her fists, holding them tightly to her sides. "...that's...it wasn't MY fault...somebody had to...somebody had to take the blame. I LOVED...her." She whispered out. "...I LOVED her so...so much..."

"...my own mother is slowly dying. WILL die if my world isn't returned." Two told them softly.

"Then you know how I felt. Then you know that if I had the power...I would have done anything, ANYTHING to get her back." Gaz asked in her dark, accusing tone. "I have that power now...you FORCED it on me, but with you dead and gone, and me with this power..."

She held up her ring, grinning coldly. "I WILL find a way. I'm smart, and I'm tough...and there's not a kid in the world who wouldn't burn it all down if it meant getting back his mommy."

"Oh, Gaz..." Two whispered softly, almost sadly. "You couldn't have described me any better."

And with that, he launched himself at them, claws held high.

...

... "So..." Nick inquired, his county-boy accent thick and homely as he sat down on the pink, fluffy couch with the squat Irken Invader Skoodge at Zim's house, Zim having gone off to the Radioshack to pick up "supplies" as GIR did his own "private thing" in the laboratory. "If Mr. Billingsly is the sleaziest, number one backstabbing lover in all the town, why's he defending this gal off the street? Reckon it don't make no sense." He asked Skoodge, who was, before you ask, NOT in any disguise.

Oh no, Invader Skoodge, short, fat and cuddly Invader Skoodge, was "au naturale", ladies and gents...well, except for the clothes he was wearing, his usual maroon Invader's attire with that mysterious splotch lingering on his stomach.

"It's because before he got amnesia, William Billingsly was the sleaziest number-one LAWYER in Dawson County!" Skoodge explained, waving a gloved hand in the air as Nick passed the chocolate-covered popcorn GIR had made over to him, Skoodge tossing a handful into his mouth.

He liked having the human over. It got so boring, just being stuck in Zim's basement. This way he could talk about human soap operas like "Kissy-Kissy-Boo-Boo" AND wrestling programs like "Skull Squisher" all he wanted and with somebody who wasn't too "busy" or "stupid" to care about either one. Plus, in the event he ever said too much about Irken culture, he'd just erase Nick's memories with a little mini-squid Zim had developed to be attached to people's heads.

...again.

Yeah, he'd tested out a LOT of things on Nick and-oh. Skoodge grimly frowned as Nick took off his cap, scratching at the...

He couldn't bear to look at it. Skoodge looked away, almost puking up the popcorn he'd gobbled down as Nick decided to use the bathroom, promising to come back with soda from the kitchen as Skoodge sighed, turning his head slowly back to the television. Nice kid, that Nick. Stupid, yeah, but nice. Even before what Zim had done to him.

...that had been...

Skoodge was a trained and experienced invader. He did not ever take his job personally, and he understood that Dib had his own duty to save the planet just as he had a duty to help Zim take it over. It was, on an intellectual level, sad. In another time and place, he might have been capable of being friends with the humans. It was somewhat sad he never could be. There was a lot about this world he liked. And he was beginning to fall into an enjoyable rhythm, just staying here on Earth, hanging out.

Maybe...one day...maybe this would feel like his real home. Maybe one day he'd fine that thing he needed to make him want to stay forever. Maybe one day he WOULD be friends, and there wouldn't be a need for this back-and-forth, and they could just...BE. He was fine with waiting. He was good at that...the waiting and the hoping.

Heck, truth be told, even ZIM was beginning to fall into a steady pattern. A new plan every week instead of every day, and there was a faint camaraderie between he and the Dib-human. Sometimes, Skoodge, he could swear Zim LIKED being continuously beaten. LIKED being stuck here, constantly plotting.

Heck, GIR liked Earth plenty, Skoodge thought to himself as he snuck over to the linen closet and pulled it open, a monitor revealing what was occurring in the laboratory downstairs. GIR was dancing around, a disco ball hanging overhead as lights sprayed around, the little robot posing and singing as he strutted his stuff.

Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my Poker Face!

"She aint' got to love nobody!" GIR sang out, waving his butt in the air before he whipped around, holding his arms behind his head and shaking his groove thing.

Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my Poker Face!

Yep, nothing changed around here, Skoodge thought to himself as he closed the door, returning to the couch and turning back to the television. The state of normalcy: sitting and waiting for something to happen, and usually, it did. In the end. Things tended to work out in the end, Skoodge thought to himself as he popped some more chocolate popcorn in his mouth. He just had to keep where he was. Stay happy. Keep believing...

He stiffened suddenly, as a voice called out to him, a faint accent lingering in it as he slowly turned his head, looking upon a blue-furred being that had stepped into the living room. It wore a blue cap with a strange white symbol on it's head, and blue shorts to match with a special ring in one hand...a ring with a blue symbol upon it that was being offered to him. To HIM.

"Skoodge of Irk." Frequency said cheerily. "Stoic ol' Skoodge. You have the ability to feel great hope."

He put the ring in Skoodge's hand and Skoodge slowly slipped it on, eyes widening. It felt so natural...like he'd been missing a limb all his life, forced to wear a prosthetic but now gaining back his old hand...

Meanwhile, a maroon-eyed, green-skinned being, Invader Zim himself, was walking back from Radio Shack to his house, his arms filled with sacks full to the brim of technical material he needed for his latest plan.

"Brilliant, BRILLIANT! I'll transform pigs into half-human slaves, rounding up humans and overriding their genetic code with my own glorious Irken DNA!" Zim laughed to himself. "Irken and human fused together and at my command, I'll build a new Irken Empire right here on Planet Earth!"

He blinked suddenly, frowning as he put down his bags and scratched his head. "Wait. I'm TALKING TO MYSELF...vrik na tishanti!" He cursed. "I'm becoming too much like the Dib-Stink." He sighed and reached into his maroon outfit, pulling out a small notepad from within. "And have I already done something like this lately? Better check the list."

He took out a pen that popped up from his PAK, flipping through the notebook. "Hmm. Fiddle with gravity in school...launching chickens into outer space...replacing organs with STUFF...launching COWS into outer space...launching GHOST INSPECTORS into outer space...oh. "Turn dogs into dog-people". Ah, DOGS, not pigs. Yep, this'll work!"

"Observation: You always had a knack for such ideas. Insanely brilliant...they called you mad." A metallic, yet distinctly feminine voice rang out, making Zim whip his head in its direction as he saw a robotic female approach him, black-outfit making her look VERY slim, with a red helm over her head and tipless white gloves showing off almost Irken-like long clawed fingers. "But madness is merely genius to a small mind, and when compared to you, most organics have small minds."

"...what ARE you? Explain yourself!" Zim demanded angrily, pointing at her. "Tell Zim!"

"Explanation: I have an offer for you." The woman said. "I am Miyu. I ask this..."

She held up a ring in her finger...a faint orange glow to it.

"Join my corps."

...

...The kids of the school were watching, their teachers unable to get them to leave as they saw Gaz and Dib struggling with Two, who kept flinging them around the football field, kicking and punching them whenever they got close enough. Dib had managed to bust one of Two's cheek bones, and Gaz had delivered, WAS delivering-

"YOOOOOWWW-OOOOOOH-HOOOO-HOOOO-HOOOO!"

Ooooch. Gaz fought DIRTY. Two staggered back, flailing out with his ring as a medieval torture rack attached itself via energy construct to Gaz, trying to stretch her out as Dib struggled to break her free, Two cradling his sore crotch. "Y-you dirty little...GAAAAH..."He muttered out.

"You're just going to stand there and watch them suffer like that?" Gretchen asked the others as Ms. Bitters calmly looked up from her copy of "Beyond Good and Evil", "harrumphed" and went back to reading. The rest of the class looked around at each other, almost hesitant.

"We can't just stand here and WATCH!" Gretchen insisted angrily, waving her arms in the air. "We've gotta DO something! ANYTHING to help them!"

"That thing can shoot finger-beams. What're WE gonna do?" The Letter M asked, scratching his head as Poonchy nodding in agreement.

"Oooooh. He just made a shark." Zita called out as Dib yelled for his life, climbing one of the football poles as Two danced in victory, Gaz being beaten up by a cheer-leading team he'd summoned forth with his ring, Gaz swearing to rip off Two's head and make him eat it later. Somehow.

She could do it, you know! She TOTALLY could!

"GRAAAAH!" Gretchen tugged at her hair, exiting the room and stomping out into the hallway-

Running into a beautiful-looking being who was standing by the Guidance Counselor. Her eyes widened as the Guidance Counselor nodded at the angel.

"This is her."

"I'm surprised you figured it out."

"I spent years around the Entity of Love. I know souls filled with it. And her love for Dib has marked her."

The Beautiful Angel stepped forward, putting something in Gretchen's hand. "You won't remember us. Nobody in this school will remember us, my friend will make sure of that. But when the time comes, you'll know what to do inside your heart." The Beautiful Angel crooned, taking Gretchen's cheek and kissing her on the forehead before leaving, Gretchen moving the ring in her hand to her pocket as the Guidance Counselor took her shoulder.

It was as if a veil that had been placed over her eyes was ripped away. "Wh-what was I doing?" She asked, scratching her head as Mr. Thildari moved her back to the class.

"I THINK you were watching THAT." Mr. Thildari said cheerily, pointing outside the opened-up walls as two forms descended from the sky on blue wings, Dib gasping as a green blaze swirled around him, power coursing through his body. Now he was returned to his once-heroic form, standing tall and proud, his Will reasserted over the ring as Two snarled furiously, turning on Frequency.

"You! And...and YOU?" He gasped, seeing Skoodge as Skoodge smiled over in a surprised Dib and Gaz's direction.

"Power levels at 104%...119%...124%..." Dib's ring called out as Skoodge gave Dib the best thumbs up he could.

"Don't worry, Dib-Thing. Hope's wings have always lifted Will higher than it could ever soar. Trust me...All will be well." Skoodge spoke kindly, comfortingly.

And did he look IMPRESSIVE. A cloth covering the top of his head and forehead, with the white symbol of Hope emblazoned upon it. His outfit was vaguely Shamanic...long robe-like shirt to wear, exposing his arms, tipless gloves, plain, simple...and above all, he looked so peaceful and comforted. So SMUG, almost.

"So you've betrayed us?" Two growled at Frequency.

"What can I say, dude?" Frequency laughed, holding his ring up with Dib and Skoodge. "Except...COWABUNGAAAAAA!"

With that, an ENORMOUS blue wave of energy shot forth from Frequency's ring, formed like a tidal wave that SLAMMED into Zerinim Two Jookiba with all the fury of an ocean, as Dib now launched his OWN shark at Two, the pointy nose JAMMING into Two's chest, making him gasp in pain as he was sent spiraling through the air, knocked around by the wave...

Skoodge leaped forward, forming an enormous pair of hands that suddenly pinned Two to the ground, a pair of hands that rapidly became attached to the energy construct of a professional wrestler.

"And now Rodrick has his evil twin Rodrick in a Leg Hold!" Skoodge laughed, the wrestler slamming Two into the ground over and over before tossing him through the goal posts.

"TOUCHDOWN!" Gaz laughed, racing towards Two and kicking him squarely in the face, knocking him through the air and towards the school, right in the direction of Ms. Bitters.

"Huh?" She looked up just in time.

KA-THRUNCKA!

Everyone let out a simultaneous "Ewwwww" and stepped away as Two stood up, dusting himself off and looking down beneath him at what he'd landed on. He stuck his worm-like tongue out, stepping off and watching as Ms. Bitters' feet curled up, the rest of her body melting away as she let out a final sigh of "What a woooorld".

"It's over." Dib said, cracking his knuckles as Skoodge, Frequency, Gaz and he approached Two, who growled and reached into his vest, pulling out a small capsule-like computer.

"You'll never control Dib again, not with ME here, brah." Frequency proclaimed. "And you ain't gonna get to GAZ, either. We've spoken with the Big Bad behind it himself and he's given the ALL clear. Try to take her over again, you get a wipe out!"

"No. It's just BEGINNING." Two growled out. "EMERGENCY TEMPORAL SHIFT."

With a WHOOMP, he was gone, vanished from sight as the class looked from the wreckage to Dib, who scratched the back of his head. Were they FINALLY going to believe him now about the aliens thing?

"I guess...you're all wondering about all of that, right?" He asked.

"It's a gang war, you see." Mr. Thildari said quickly, stepping forward and waving a hand in the air. "Dib informed me that members of a gang who were INSANELY jealous of our school since it's so amazing, especially the clean bathrooms..."

"Oh yeah, yeah."

"Absolutely.

"Of course." Everyone agreed, nodding their heads.

"So they prepared to carry out an attack and decided to beat up Dib because he was the most noticeable of us all with his big head. Luckily Dib's friends here were skilled enough to fend them off with the fancy technological equipment that Prof. Membrane loaned his son and his friends in the event something strange like this ever happened. Isn't that right, Gaz?" Mr. Thildari wanted to know.

Gaz shrugged. "Yeah. Whatever."

"Oh, yes, YES." Gretchen said quickly. "Oh, Dib and I have talked about this before when we're alone! Some people have mace in their pockets, he's got super-tech!" She lied with a smile, quickly putting one arm around his and grinning.

"Er...yeah! Big, bad, rival gangs! It was all a rival gang." Dib decided quickly, gulping nervously. "DEFINITELY not aliens! And these guys are just in costumes cuz they were going to a party at my house later this afternoon. Costume party. Really private affair and stuff. Right, Gaz?"

"Yeah. Costume party. I mean, you can see the zipper!" Gaz chuckled, pointing at Skoodge's teeth as he grinned.

"Well, I think Gretchen had best inform the principal of our little...predicament...with your teacher." Mr. Thildari told the class. "And I think that perhaps I should drive you home, Dilbert, Gazeline...it's been a long, long day and I think we could all use a break, especially you two..."

...

... "I can't BELIEVE they bought it. I can't believe TWO bought it! One of the worst performances of my career and he didn't doubt it for a second." Frequency laughed, slapping his knee as Skoodge poured everyone some soda using GIR, who opened up his mouth. Gaz then closed GIR up and moved him over her chips, pulling down on an arm as nacho cheese was squirted down onto her snack. "I don't even know what the Entity of Rage LOOKS like! Ha! This is off...the...HOOK!"

"Hope, huh?" Dib inquired, looking Skoodge over as he calmly sipped some Diet-Poopsi, nodding sagely.

"Yes. Our Exemplar Rings gain power from the Entities of Emotions, and I was meant to wield Hope the way you were meant to wield Will, and Gaz was meant to wield Rage." Skoodge explained.

"Meant to? Entities?" Dib asked.

"What...ARE you?" Zim inquired, eyes widening at the ring in Miyu's hand.

"I suppose I should explain." Frequency admitted, sitting in a chair nearby as GIR clapped his hands together, beaming.

"It's STORYTIME?" GIR asked cheerily, hopping up and down.

"Uh...yep."

"Ooh, does it involve monkeys?"

Skoodge snorted, looking over in Dib and Gaz's directions as Gaz growled. "What's THAT supposed to mean?"

Frequency laughed and chuckled slightly, holding out his ring as an series of images began to form for them all, GIR's eyes widening. "Oooooooh. Laser liiiiights..."

"In the beginning, there was just one universe planned for creation. What happened...was something quite different. There was a...change...in the nature of the cosmos." Mr. Thildari explained calmly.

"Instead of ONE universe being made, a multiverse was created." Miyu went on. "Endless parallel worlds, similar in some ways, bizarrely different in others, were formed. All were occupying the same space, but vibrating at entirely different frequencies."

"Like two cars parked side by side in the same parking lot...or sometimes right on top of one another, with nobody realizing." The guidance counselor suggested.

"And there were entities, beings of INCREDIBLE power, that watched over all of this and spread the power of emotions through the universe." Miyu murmured. "The first was entity of Life, Sude, of the Seraphi race."

Zim blinked. "The Seraphi?" Wait, the Irken race had SENT invaders in the direction of the soc-called home of the Seraphi, the planet Allforce. What had happened to them? Had they becme dragon chow? They'd never heard from the fools again...

"I know what you're thinking. The race did not perform things such as that. They were the kind who offered laughter and joy up to their God instead of blood rituals. They simply sent Irken laughter to Sude."

Zim raised a non-existent eyebrow. "...wait...you mean?"

FIVE HUNDRED YEARS AGO...

"WE'LL TICKLE YOU FOREVER!" One brown and yellow-horned draconic being exclaimed as he held a giant feather up from a box, the tied-up Irken nearby gulping as his friends were held in place. "Prepare to enter the unbearable world of COOCHY-COOCHY-COO!"

PRESENT...

"ANNNNYHOW, the next was the entity of Passion, Chulainn. He's turned all nasty and dark when he became "Rage". Frequency went on with a sad expression flickering across his face. "Poor dude. Then we got the pretty lil' entity of Hope, Psyche. She's cute, in a weird way." He added, tilting his head to the side. "Kinda...looks like a butterfly. I think she IS that, a big, alien butterfly."

"And I spent many years conversing with the Entity of Love before I came here." Mr. Thildari explained, putting one hand to his chest. "Jourmungdr sent me here to the Base Earth to keep an eye on the planet and those within. It said this place was too important to be ignored. I've been keeping up a guise, with the Entity taking my place back at my home planet without anybody noticing."

"This world...this MUDBALL is...actually important?" Zim scratched his head. "How?"

"EVERYTHING in the multiverse stems from the material found in this base Earth." Skoodge interjected. "Remember when he talked about the "parking lot" analogy? Think of your world as an original model of car, and every other car in the lot is a rip-off or copy of that original." Skoodge went on as visible models of the many parallel Earths floated around.

"Without this world, there won't BE any other parallel Earths. No more stories of Zim and Dib and Gaz and GIR. This world is the cornerstone upon which the multiverse of Universe I-Z spins..." Miyu went on, gesticulating in the air. "Within this world...there's the POTENTIAL to remake the world that was tragically lost."

"They want to bring it back. If one tried to sacrifice enough of this world, Earth B-S will return. The people of this world will be, well...they get folded into the historical fabric. Become reborn anew, I guess you could say..." Frequency admitted.

"I'll DIE?"

"Answer: You'll become BETTER." Miyu informed him waving a clawed finger in the air. "You will reach your physical and mental peak, and will become a being both feared, loved and admired across the universe. And it is not just you. GIR, Minimoose, they'll be better too. People will respect you, Zim, be amazed at what you've become. I would never not lie..."

She gently took his shoulder, smiling at him as the visor on her helmet lifted up, and Zim's eyes widened in surprise. "To my own father."

"I...I need to...think about this." Zim mumbled.

"Statement: I shall do you one better." Miyu informed him as he pocketed his ring. "I will take you to your wife. I think you'll be more than pleasantly surprised."

Zim's eyes bugged out, mouth flopping open. "Zim has a WHAT?"

#invader zim #Zim #Dib #Gaz #superhero #superheroes #fanfiction #fanfic #science #fiction #science fiction #science fiction fantasy #Frequency #Miyu #GIR #Skoodge #Gretchen

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strangest-loser · 4 years

Text

Twilight Rewrite

Fire in my Blood ~ Jasper Hale x OC ~ Book One: Chapter Three

Chapter One / Chapter Two

Being in the hospital was something Alessia enjoyed on a regular day, just not when she is stuck in the bed.

"come on Carlisle you know I'm fine, let me go home" Alessia grumbled from her bed, it was the next day and while the pain in her head was gone she was itching to get back to her own bed.

Carlisle turned to face the girl who was swinging we legs over the edge of her cot. "Your concussion seems to be clearing up nicely but I can't let you drive home alone, your father is working so I'll call someone to drive you" he said to the girl, laughing at the loud, sarcastic groan that she let out, but he knew that she wouldn't argue with him, she respected Carlisle almost as much as she respected Charlie.

On the list of people she expected to pick her up from the hospital (a list which included Alice, Rosalie, Emmet, Bella, Steve the milk man and that one pidgin she saw in a target last week) Jasper Hale was the last person Alessia expected to see waiting beside a car just outside the doors.

"you know if I didn't know any better I would assume you were stalking me Jazzy" Alessia sang as she jogged towards the curly haired blonde who shot her a killer smile. "Now why would I ever do that doll?"

That made a shiver crawl through her body, it was new, Jasper barely ever spoke to her, and he had never called her doll before. But she loved it.

"Doll? That's new, you think I'm pretty cowboy?" Alessia asked in a sweetened voice batting her eyelashes at be boy sitting in the driver's seat. His low laugh trickled into her ears as he put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot, " very funny Alessia."

The car ride was silent until curiosity killed it. "so I need to ask you, how come the sudden interest?" This definitely sparked the boys interest as his eyes flickered to meet hers, "you seem to hate the sight of me for two whole years but suddenly you are my knight in a shining Volvo driving me home, your mood swings are giving me whiplash what gives?"

One thing Alessia prided herself in was that she was incredibly intuitive. Before she met Carlisle when she was 15 she had wanted to work at the FBI for the Behavioural Analysis Unit. She loved helping people and she wanted to follow her dad's footsteps and stop the bad guys. She watched criminal minds religiously since the day it first aired and apart from her undeniable crush on the resident genius Dr Spencer Reid she gained a serious respect for the people who protect her country, but after meeting Carlisle and witnessing him save people from the brink of death she decided that she wanted to do the same. So her dreams of law enforcement were put on hold and it was decided that she would become a surgeon. She still watched criminal minds and still had a deep rooted love for Spencer Reid though.

Her sharp intuition allowed for her to get a read on most people, but never Jasper.

He wore a straight face before he answered her. "I know we haven't been the best of friends and the fact is I've been rude to you and I'm sorry." Alessia swept her brown hair out of her eyes to look at his side profile with a small smile on her lips. "Well that's fine but I just thought that... That I did something wrong you know, did I like offend you or something?" She asked staring at him with a sweet grin, gauging for some sort of reaction. She was met with him shaking his head with his own smile. "No, no sugar you didn't do nothin' wrong, I can't explain it right now but I promise it wasn't you."

Content with his answer Alessia giggled to herself while she settled back into the passenger seat looking out the front window at the road that ran through the woodland of Forks, Washington.

Alessia felt bad turning down the girls offer to go buy prom dresses, especially after already turning down going to La Push but she knew that spending time with her father was important, she was just glad that Angela and Jessica took Bella with them to Port Angeles, especially at night it was a shady place and Alessia felt better knowing the three were together. Throwing her hair into a bun she sat on the couch next to her father and put on South Park. About five minutes into her mindless cartoon time the channel flipped from animation to football as her father flopped onto the couch beside her.

"Jesus! I didn't even hear you come in, way to scare me" Alessia said thumping her father on the shoulder laughing. Their relationship was one of the closest people had ever seen because for a long time they were all each other had. Charlie was protective but fair, he never gave anyone a reason not to like him, except maybe Renée. Charlie Swan was a good father, a good cop and a good man, and he raised Alessia alone with the help of their small community and she grew up to be an amazing woman.

Their night fell into one of laughter and yelling at the TV until the front door opened and Bella came in followed by Edward. Which was weird for many reasons but Bella didn't give her much time to think about it before dragging her up the stairs and into the small bedroom at the front of the house.

"I need to ask you something, did Jacob ever tell you about their tribes stories?" Bella asked while shutting her door and walking to her desk, opening her bag she pulled out a blue book with a native symbol on the cover.

"yeah, yeah the one about the wolves right?" Alessia said while looking over the book, flicking through the pages, skimming the words before looking back at her sister who was pulling web pages up on her laptop. "Did he ever mention 'the cold ones' before?"

That was something that shook her to her core for a reason she didn't understand. when Bella received no answer from her older sister she looked over to see her staring out the window, that feeling was back again, someone was out there.

"Stay here Bella I'll be right back", Alessia said walking across the hall to her open bedroom, she grabbed a torch and her shoes, slipping them on before walking down the stairs. Her father wasn't in the living room so Alessia just grabbed his police jacket off the kitchen chair and opened the side door to let herself outside.

It was quiet outside, still, but that feeling was still creeping up her spine so Alessia set off into the woods. The black dress she was wearing occasionally snagged of a low twig and she could feel them scraping up her bare legs as she walked deeper in. Her instincts carried her further and further away from her house until the moonlight split the tree canopy to the point where she didn't need the torch anymore to see. Looking around at the clearing she found herself reaching into the jacket pocket letting her fingers hit her father's pistol, Alessia was taught to shoot a gun last year after she was attacked by a pack of wolves in these very woods, and while Alessia didn't want or own a gun of her own she learned anyway to ease her father's nerves, and depending on what was out here she might be glad she learned.

A twig snap caused her to swivel on her feet and tighten her hold on the gun in her pocket. Something was out here. Alessia slowly pulled the gun out to rest by her side as another snap came from a different direction. A third snap caused her to slowly and silently click the safety off and slowly raise the gun to her front.

"Alright doll I yield, I yield, don't shoot!"

"JASPER ARE YOU PSYCHOTIC I ALMOST SHOT YOU!"

The blonde let his arms drop out of his surrender as the brunette put the gun away. Alessia didn't even think before beginning to berate him over being an idiot.

"What the hell were you thinking, I could have killed you and then I would get charged for murder and I would never become a doctor like I want and it'll be all your fault. And what are you even doing out here in my woods are you stalking me or something it's like 10 pm and freezing cold. I'm out here in a dress for god's sa-"

Her rambling was stopped by a pair of arms wrapping around her waist and a hand covering her mouth. "Nah sugar you wouldn't kill me, you would miss me too much."

Alessia laughed at that playfully fighting out of his arms "oh yeah try me Hale cause my father's chief of police I could make it look like an accident." Her mind froze as their hands met... His was ice cold.

"Jesus Christ did you come out here without a jacket you are freezing" Alessia said shrugging her jacket off and putting it on the man in front of her but he wasn't paying any attention to her anymore, instead he stood ramrod straight looking into a section of the woods right in front of them. His face was alert and his eyes were deadly... Something was wrong.

Her suspicions were answered with a low, rumbling growl. This sound multiplied by three and soon four sets of unblinking eyes were staring at them from the trees. Alessia tensed as the scene before her was identical to the one she had found herself in a year ago and she froze up as her worst fear edged its way towards the two teenagers. Terror ran like a hot brand through her spine and out through her nerve endings and her stomach dropped like that time on the rollercoasters at Disney World. She was terrified.

Black fur began to make its way towards them slowly, like stalking prey. It's eyes were never on Jasper like the other three wolves that surrounded them but they were absolutely fixated on Alessia, unblinking and deadly set, like she was his prey. She had never felt fear like this before, not even last time when she faced this threat alone. It was as if she could feel him saying 'you will die at my hands tonight'. These weren't just hungry wolves, they were here for her.

Jasper seemed to notice the same thing because his arms tightened around the shaking girl in front of him "Do you trust me darlin?" Came his southern drawl and the sound of his voice let her shoulders settle and relax enough to whisper a tiny "yes."

Alessia didn't remember much if what happened in the moments that followed but she heard talking from Jasper and growling from that four legged demon and before too long the shadows retreated back into the trees and Jasper has picked her up into his arms and they are hiking further up into the cliff side until a second clearing was reached and Jasper set her down into a patch of soft grass and stood in front of her until she spoke to him softly. "Why did you talk to those wolves, how did you get them to leave and why did the big one want to kill me?"

All straight forward questions that held no straight forward answers. Alessia looked Jasper dead in the eyes and asked him more, "what are you doing out here?, Why are you always freezing cold? Why have you been watching me for the past few days?, And how the hell did me and Bella survive that crash?" Her gaze steeled as she finished saying her piece.

"And don't you dare lie to me!"

Alessia let herself fall back into bed after Jasper carried her home, the shock of what happened coupled with everything Jasper told her caused her legs to give out. Her head swam with how the hell any of what she just heard makes any sense. She suddenly remembered the conversation with Bella and shakily moved from her own room into her sister's. The room was dark and Bella was asleep but the window was weirdly open. Alessia grabbed the laptop and book before shutting the window and locking it.

Her own room was lit softly as she opened the laptop and kept scrolling through the pages that were open on the stories of the families that lived on the reservation. Countless words repeating.

Wolf.

Tribe.

Quileute.

Leader.

C O L D O N E.

Alessia slammed the laptop closed and let out a confused groan. She opened her window wide open and paced around the room until she heard a shifting on her window seat, turning to face the figure now sitting still before her she let out a sigh and centred herself. "Okay, you have one chance to explain your story to me."

Jasper stood and walked towards her, grabbing her hand and sitting her on the bed gently before looking at her.

"My family and I are what we call vegetarians, we drink animal blood instead of human, we don't hurt people and we live peacefully among humans and we move around every couple of years for protection." He began looking her in the eye trying to catch a reaction to anything he was saying.

Alessia sat in a state that most would call catatonic until she blinked twice and slowly smiled.

"I want to meet you all, I need to hear this from everyone."

TAGLIST

@treestarrrrrrrr

@whattheheckisevengoingon

@fangirl1029

@iliveforthefandom04

@frozenhuntress67

@jessabellaswan

@mikariell95

#twilight x reader #jasper hale x reader #alice cullen #rosalie hale #rosalie twilight #edward cullen #jasper hale #x oc #original character #twilight rewrite #twilight #fire in my blood #Alessia Swan OC

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therainroguefanfiction · 4 years

Text

❉ 139 Dreams (Kazuki Juumonji) Aftermath

📑 Table of Contents

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Romance ☁

Word Count: 1,415 ☁

Pairing: Reader x Juumonji Kazuki ☁

World: Anime, Eyeshield 21 ☁

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: . ☁

You stared at Monta and Sena skeptically as they tried to persuade you to go running with them. You weren’t exactly the most athletic person in the world and you tried to avoid running (or physical activity in general) as much as possible. Being friends with people on the football team made that slightly difficult…

“Come on, it’ll be fun to the Max!” Monta grinned, grabbing onto one of your arms.

Sena nodded, grabbing your other arm. “Just this once?”

You let out a sigh of defeat, knowing that you couldn’t say no to Sena when he used that puppy dog face. “Fine. But don’t expect much! I’m not a runner!”

The two boys nodded enthusiastically, chorusing an “Of course!” before dragging you to the football field where Hiruma and the others were waiting.

“You’re late! Ya-ha!” Hiruma laughed in a psychotic manner, holding two automatic guns and firing them into the air.

“So-Sorry!” Sena cried, shaking slightly at the intimidating blonde.

Hiruma moved his eyes to meet yous before his mouth pulled up in a grin, showing off his extremely sharp teeth. Clearly, he was plotting something, and it sent a shiver up your spine. “Yosh! Let’s get going!”

As the group started to head off, you missed the light blonde haired male that stared at you, his cheeks harboring a small tinge of pink.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: . ☁

You wheezed, your chest aching painfully as you attempted to continue walking. Your feet were aching and your legs felt like jello; it was agonizing.

Everything had been going well – at first. You were able to keep a nice pace alongside Eyeshield and Monta…. until Hiruma intervened, causing the two rivals to have a race to see who could get back to school first, leaving you in the dust without a second thought.

You ran and ran and ran and ran, pushing yourself harder than you ever had before in an attempt to keep up with them, but they slowly faded into the horizon until they vanished from your sight altogether. And to make matters worse, they had left you behind in an area that you had never been in before.

So, here you were, barely able to stand and feeling like you were about to pass out, lost in an area you had never even seen before. You thought that, maybe, if you pushed hard enough you could manage to find a familiar area and be able to make it back without a problem. But fate was not on your side. No matter how far you walked, you couldn’t find a single familiar street. It was all foreign to you. You were lost and going in circles.

Finally, after two hours of trying to return home, you stopped, falling to your knees in a wide alley before hitting the cold cement. Despite how cold it was, it wasn’t enough to cool down your burning body. Every part of you felt like it was on fire. You were covered in sweat and couldn’t move a single inch. Your lungs burned as you breathed in and out heavily, eyes squeezed shut.

It was beginning to get dark, the sun having just set. The sky slowly became darker, the street lights coming on in a poor attempt to imitate the sun.

You knew you were screwed. You were too tired to move and you had left your cell phone at home that morning. You were probably dehydrated, too. You didn’t know the area, so you weren’t sure if anyone would mess with you or not. Even if they did, there was no way you’d be able to fight them off, not in the state you were currently in.

It may have just been the pounding of your head or the fact that your heart had split and gone into your ear and legs, but you could swear you heard the sound of rushed footsteps.

Was this your end?

You felt pathetic. You couldn’t even touch the football team and, instead, were laying in the middle of god knows where unable to move. Sure, you were un-athletic, but this was just downright pathetic!

Only half of your tired mind was conscious, but you managed to pick up the sound of your name being called. It was faint, sounding as if it was very far away. You couldn’t answer even if you wanted to; your throat was bone dry.

Through blurry, half-opened eyes, you managed to see a pair of shoes appear in front of you before you felt yourself being picked up. You grunted in pain at the movement before finally letting the darkness claim you.

Why did you ever listen to Monta and Sena?

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: . ☁

A groan passed your pale lips as your eyes slowly peeled open to stare at a bright white ceiling. Had you died?

Remembering what had happened, you shot up from the bed you were lying on, instantly regretting it when pain shot through your legs and back, making you groan in pain as your hands tightened around the sheet.

“Oi, you shouldn’t be moving.” A pair of strong hands grabbed your shoulders, gently pushing you back into a lying position before resting on your forehead.

Your whole body was in pain, but most of it was focused in your feet and legs. After lying still for a few moments, you slowly opened your eyes. You had to blink a few times before your eyes could focus properly. You were surprised to see just who was standing at your side, waiting for you to wake up.

“Juumonji..?” You questioned, voice cracking; you felt so thirsty.

He nodded lightly, removing his hand from your forehead. Was it your wild imagination… or did he actually look worried?

“What… What happened?” You groaned, attempting to sit up again.

He handed you a glass of water, his hand against your back to help you stay sitting up. “Drink this. It’ll help.”

You nodded, taking the glass from his hand and swallowing about half of the cold liquid that sat in the glass. It coated your dry throat, making it feel tight before the feeling started to fade. You were more thankful for water at that moment than you had ever been in your whole life. “Thank you.”

“You’re really not a runner… are you?” He muttered, rubbing your back lightly.

“Che. I tried to tell them that.” You scoffed, looking away from the male at your side. You felt so embarrassed by the whole situation.

“I found you passed out in the middle of an alley. You were breathing pretty heavy, and your face was red.” He mused, staring intently at you.

You scratched your cheek with an index finger, looking anywhere but at Juumonji. You had to admit, you were surprised that he was the one to save you. Normally he was the kind of guy to not care about anything or anyone, must less a pitiful person like yourself. You let a sigh pass your lips at the thought.

“I uhh… I’m glad… that you’re okay.” He rubbed the back of his head and looked away from you. Try as he might, he couldn’t hide the pink spreading across his cheeks.

You blinked in surprise, resting your palm against his warm cheek. “Thank you, Kazuki.”

The pink deepened at your touch and he slowly rose his hand to cover your own. “I-It was nothing!”

You grinned, pushing yourself forward until your lips reached his own. The action made you blush, but it was un-noticeable due to the flush of redness from your run. Juumonji shook his head and decided that a small peck wasn’t a big enough reward to satisfy him for his deed. He grabbed your chin, forcing you to look at him. Without hesitation, he crashed his lips against yours, pushing you back onto the bed and crawling on top of her, careful to balance his weight to keep from hurting your already sore body.

The aftermath of your decision consisted of you barely being able to move for the next three days, having to rely on Juumonji every time your legs began to buckle. It was hard having to go through school while still being so sore, but with Juumonji at your side, you managed. It was a painful experience, but you were happy that you had gone through it. The experience itself may not have been very fun, but the result of it was amazing – it was something you would value for years to come.

☾ ⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ: *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: . ☁

📜 Read more by checking out my masterlist 📜

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chaotic-yeet · 4 years

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every single fucking one yobi

Hey Strawberry, you asked for this

Do you ever doubt anyone else's existence other than your own: Not really no

On a scale of 1-5 how afraid of the dark are you: 5+ I have nyctophobia so it's extremely bad for me

The person you would never want to meet: Does knowing them and no longer speaking count? An old friend of mine, I hope I never see her again

What is your favorite word: I'm actually not sure, I have a few ones I like to say because I pronounce them wrong, but I don't think I have a favorite

If you were a type of tree, what kind would you be: Maybe a birch tree? They're my favorite kind in minecraft sooo

When you looked in the mirror this morning, what did you first think: "Damn I need to wash my face more"

What shirt are you wearing:. A Mammoth one! It's dark gray, has a bear on the back and front chest area, and has blue, pink, and purple fade on it (the bi flag!)

What do you label yourself as: a fuckin bastard or dumbass thats what

Bright room or dark room: I have sensitive eyes so a dark room, but with either soft light or nightlight, I hate complete darkness

What were you doing at midnight last night: Talking to @the-strawzish-clownfish , while being on call with @psychotic-roach he had fallen asleep

Favorite age you've been so far: 13 probably, which sounds weird, but my mental health got better that year (it didn't stay that way but eh)

Who told you they loved you last: @psychotic-roach !! And I love you too (once you read this :D)

Your worst enemy: Myself and an old friend I mentioned in like, question 3

What's your current desktop picture: On my main laptop it's a Marble Hornets fanart (that I adore) and on my Chromebook it's some space doodles in the bi colors

Do you like someone: Fuck yes I do, @psychotic-roach you're fucking great and deserve the world

The last song you listened to: Deku Palace remix! I'm a huge EDM/ Trap fan, combine it with Zelda music and I'm hooked!

You can press a button to make one specific person explode, who would you pick: Old friend from before

Who would you really just love to punch in the face: Many, many people

If anyone could be your slave for the day, who would it be and what would they do: Well probably a close friend of mine, and I'd have him play smash with me and make pancakes with me (basically beg him to hang out even though it's quarantine so we can have fun again)

What's your best physical attribute: Probably my hair, it's dyed purple and used to be shaved

If you were the opposite sex for a day, what would you look like and what would you do: I'd probably look the same just taller and less curves, and I'd probably jerk off or go on some 3am walk because fuck it I can

Do you have a secret talent: I don't think so, I have a shitty memory, but not when it comes to naming ninjago episodes, @the-strawzish-clownfish can verify

What is one unique thing you're afraid of: Touching Rays, any kind, especially the ones at aquariums that come up to the tank wall that you can pet

You can only have one kind of sandwich, every ingredient is at your disposal: Well call me white, but my usual, white bread turkey and shredded cheese. That's it. I'm super lame.

You just found $100 how are you gonna spend it: Save it, I always save hundreds without hesitation

You just got a free plane ticket to go anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately: Uh, probably Georgia to see some family

Basically an Angel says I'll give you lost of booze forever be specific: Uh, fuck I dunno I don't drink, Fuckin' Crown Royal for shits and giggles why not

An island in which you can make your own rules, what's the first: Stay on your own turf unless someone allows you to come in, unless it's emergency (and I know this rule will cause problems, it's a guideline at best)

What is your favorite expletive: Tie between Bullshit and Fuck, I absolutely love those two

Your house is on fire (but everyone is okay) what one object do you grab: Well, in my current room right now? My phone, I'll still have contact with people I love and have my art (the only thing I care about in here) with me too

You can erase any horrible experience from your past: Main one, I won't actually say allowed but Roach you know what it is, but one I can put on here, Probably some embarrassing thing I did, most like everyone else

You got kicked out of your country, where would you live: GERMANY! I love the German language and I'd absolutely love to go to Germany and live with it!

Death is a good dude and says you can choose who to bring back: My cat who died a few years ago, he was an awesome cat that didn't deserved to die at 6 years old

What was your last dream about: I have super long dreams, like so much goes on in them it's like a story, too long to type out, @psychotic-roach knows it. Long story short, Pirates and apartments under water

Are you a good (insert whatever): Am I a good, fuck I dunno let's do artists because it's easy. I think I do decent enough

Have you ever been admitted to the hospital: No, only when I was a newborn in the nicu because I wasn't latching right

Have you ever built a snowman: Nope, but my friend did and I watched. His snowman was tiny and got stepped on, my friend shed a few tears

What is the color or your socks: Not wearing any right now, but usually gray

What type of music do you like: EDM AND TRAP BABYYY IF IT'S LOUD I LOVE IT

Do you prefer sunrise or sunset: Sunset definitely, I burn easy so having the nice night air slowly come over with the stars is nice for me

Favorite milkshake flavor: Chocolate!

What football team do you support: American football? None. German Bundesliga teams? Stuttgart. We were assigned teams in my German class and that was mine! Stuttgart all the way!!

Do you have any scars: Yes, many. They range from self harm, to actual cat scratches, to me falling, and many more

What do you want to be when you graduate: No idea!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? Weight, I have bad self esteem so it's never enough

Are you reliable: Honestly, no. I have bad memory and I will forget if someone needs something

If you could ask your future self a question what would it be: How's Roach doing, and what's Oregon like?

Do you hold grudges: depends, mostly no, but sometimes yes

If you could breed two animals together and defy the laws of nature, what two would you breed: Uh good question, probably Cat and Opossum, really just to see what would happen

Most unusual conversation: Mental health stuff with my parents and therapist, more awkward than anything

Are you a good liar: Not really no depending on the person

How long could you go without talking: Well in quarantine all day, regular days though, maybe an hour at best, I absolutely love my friends, just only certain ones

What has been your worst haircut/ style: Back when it was longer than my shoulders and I wore it down. Except I never took care of it so it looked like shit.

Have you ever baked your own cake: Yes every birthday I make mine! I even had my friends help me with my most recent one!

Can you do any accent other than your own: maybe a southern one but no not really

What do you like on your toast: Nutella or cinnamon and sugar. I know, terrible for you

What is the last thing you drew a picture of: Uh me and @psychotic-roach and our pets but I'm self conscious about my art so I just didn't really show it to anyone (sorry Roach, I'm just super shy about my art!)

What would be your dream car: Me and my family had a running joke that I liked Tesla's, so probably a Tesla

Do you sing in the shower: No but I want to, I just don't like people hearing me sing

Do you believe in aliens: I believe we're not alone in the universe, weather it be new life billions of miles away or way advanced life a few galaxies away

Do you often read your horoscope: No, but astrology is fun to fuck with sometimes

What is your favorite letter of the alphabet: probably E or something, it's soothing in a weird way

Dinosaurs or dragons: DRAGONS DRAGONS I LOVE DRAGONS I'M A HUGE HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON NERD!!!

What do you think about babies: They're sweet sometimes, I'm honestly afraid of holding one or having to take care of one though

Freebie! Ask anything you can think of: I can't really think of anything so I guess just @psychotic-roach I love you!! @the-strawzish-clownfish thank you for these painful asks, they were fun :)

#strawberry ask

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swampgallows · 5 years

Text

some of the tags on that 4chan post are so right, like... tumblr is extremely fucking sheltered compared to the shit i saw on 4chan at like 14 years old. i have infinite stories, some personal and some general. i had started visiting 4chan in late 2004—long before /r9k/ was even a board, back when /5/ was still a secret board and they had JUST taken /l/ down. that probably isnt even english to most people. basically i started visiting 4chan BEFORE i started playing world of warcraft. that’s how young i (and the site itself) was. i saw one of NCH85’s flash animations on deviantart and was directed to 4chan.

and that was even before 4chan became more “mainstream” after the “don’t mess with football” incident in 2007ish, when gaston and desu whatever became memes and all of a sudden there was some group of people taking “anonymous is legion. we do not forgive. we do not forget” to heart and very, very seriously, which is when all the v for vendetta mask shit started. before that it was just like “pool’s closed” and shit, which is a pretty innocuous but still incredibly offensive meme. the full phrase was “pool’s closed due to AIDS” from some homophobic fearmongering lifetime movie or some shit.

zippocat, cracky-chan, nevada-tan, and “babyfuck it’s awwright” were memes. shitting dick nipples was a meme. pedobear, “4chan party van”, and guilty gear’s bridget were memes. cockmongler and happy n*gro were memes. violent, homicidal, homophobic, transphobic, racist, pedophiliac, ableist, sexist, or just plain disgusting—it was regurgitated hundreds of times a day.

i think the average tumblr user would fucking faint if they saw half the shit i was exposed to on a daily basis as a teenager. AND THEY SHOULD. this isnt meant to be a posturing thing; it’s a testament to how fucking fucked up the place was/is and how white supremacy gaining real actual traction on the chons was pretty much inevitable. but even for “old” 4chan users, to genuinely care about anything on 4chan is also a noob move, and nazis are considered undesirables in that they are not in on the joke; the collective joke being that nobody on 4chan takes anything seriously or cares about anything, or, as the classic meme went, “Internet is serious business.”

overall 4chan’s focus was on desensitization to every degree. it made disenfranchised young dudes with zero power or skills or prospects feel like they were cutting their teeth in one way or another, upholding “lulz” as key currency. their naivete told them they were rational for hating everything, and their cynicism told them they were tough for being able to laugh at everything.

the infamous screenshot illustrating this is as follows:

“SMAP 01/23/05 [January 23, 2005] You COMPLETELY miss the point of /b/. /b/ is not Fark “oh hay guys i found a cute link ha ha.” /b/ is not Slashdot’s pseudo-intellectual discussion. /b/ is not LiveJournal, SuicideGirls, or HotOrNot. /b/ is a place for people to be monsters- the horrible, senseless, uncaring monsters that they really are.

Tsunami owns the Asian continent and we laugh. Psychotic emo takes his sickness out on a cat [zippocat] and we laugh. People mutilate themselves for no appearant [sic] reason [cracky-chan] and we laugh. Suicide, homicide, genocide- we laugh. Racism, sexism, discrimination, xenophobia and baseless hate- we laugh. We are mindless “me-too”ism; we are irrational preference; we are pointless flamewars; we are the true face of the internet.”

If you didn’t catch the date, this was in 2005. this mindset founded the event horizon for the descent into white supremacy.

“Anonymous [OP] 01/30/05 [January 30th, 2005] Why did you guys suddenly turn on Queen G? One day she’s one of you, the next you’re pouring on the h8. What’s up? What’d she do? Anonymous [1] SHE’S A FURRY Anonymous [2] FUCK FURRIES Anonymous [3] WE HATE EVERYONE Anonymous [4] INCLUDING OURSELVES”

there was a SHITLOAD of funny shit on 4chan, and that was part of the allure and self-aggrandizement as well; if you could stomach all of the shit, you were rewarded with the cream of the crop, top quality memes and lulz. a good chunk of the internet as we know it was defined by 4chan. people were saying epic win/fail in 2004 and then it started appearing on tshirts in 2008. rage comics, reaction images, and one could even argue image macros (the classic terminology for a meme) were started on 4chan. part of the mentality was that the lack of censorship or filter allowed ANY content to thrive, made by anyone and judged by all, and therefore only truly worthwhile content survived (especially on /b/, where you could refresh a thread and it would already be sage’d, or bumped down, by reams of new threads).

but we still weren’t truly aware of what we were laughing at, whether it was considered ironic or not, hence poor pepe the frog being stolen as an alt-right symbol. I remember having to stifle my laughter during a history of racism lesson in my junior year of high school (~2007) because they had slides of resist dot org racist cartoons. they are comics by a white supremacist, chiefly anti-black and featuring racist caricatures, but they had gained new life on 4chan as memes like “bix nood” and others. edits were made reappropriating racist cartoons like “around blacks, never relax” into “around snacks [W.T. Snacks, a 4chan moderator known for swift banning practices], never relax” and “around elves, watch yourselves” with the caricature edited to have long ears.

in our minds, we were laughing at the artist for his racism and moronic ideas, but the fact of the matter was that we were still consuming, and laughing at, racist cartoons. (cue “you are not immune to propaganda”.) much as dave chappelle realized his satire was being consumed straightforwardly by racists and used to reinforce the stereotypes he was making fun of, a lot of people on 4chan took these comics at face value, especially now that their messages had been “updated” in a language they understood.

i appreciate it for the wellspring of content that it was, but 4chan’s current users have forgotten its original cardinal rule of “Internet is serious business” and i feel like it now definitely needs to be terminated, especially now that moot has stepped down.

#slurs tw /#blathering #long post /#racism cw /#violence cw /#ok to rb

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jadesaber · 5 years

Text

SMG4: Gaining for Attention

Part 2 of the ”Girls Weight Gain Saga”

Saiko Bitchitaru is owned by SMG4

There is a small house right outside the city. Inside, it had the common furnitures like tables, chairs, a fridge, a couch, tv, a laptop on the tv table, bedroom with a single bed, ect, ect. The front door opens and in comes a woman.

The woman looked like a anime teenage girl. She was very tall and skinny, she also had a curvy figure and large breasts. She was wearing a open tan jacket with a black tube top underneath, a dark-brown miniskirt, a black belt with a skull buckle, black leggings, and light-grey casual shoes. She wears a skull-and-crossbones pendant around her neck, and her hair is tied up in twin tails with two red bows. Said hair is pink and curly with two different colors at the tips: purple on the right side, and yellow on the left. Her eyes are purple and almond-shaped, with thick, curly lashes on the ends.

This: Is Saiko Bitchitaru. And yes, she is a anime girl. She was brought to life by her ex-boyfriend. Saiko has a very big temper, which is why they broke up. But they are still friends, along with Mario, Meggy and the others, after some ”rocky starts”.

Saiko now has a house and a job as a waitress at a sushi bar. She just got it back after unbaning anime. That’s a whole different and long story. Now, Saiko was holding her work bandana in her right hand, while holding a bag of Mcdonalds in the other. She has worked since 4:00 am, as it was very crowded and low on straff today. The clock is 15:30 pm.

Saiko put the bandana on a dresser, and slowly walked to the living room. She grew the bag on the table and sat down on the couch, stretching out her arm and legs.

”Ugha, what a day” she sighed, as her hands and legs fell down on the soft couch. She grabed the laptop that was laying on the table. She typed in her password to enter. Saiko entered Instagram, while trying to click on the ”#pretty” tag, she reach down into the McDonalds bag to pull up her burger. Saiko only ate junkfood once a week, to keep her figure small and skinny, the ideal body of being pretty and gaining attention.

Saiko loves getting attention, but it had usally caust some psychotic dendensies. When she reached her burger, she accidently pressed the ”#WeightGain” tag.

”Crud...” she said to herself, while unwraping the paper off her burger. She took a bite of the gressey, cheesey meat. She only ate junk food ones a week, but when she did eat it, it was an joyuss experience. Saiko moaned to the flavor, taste buds going wild. She opend her eyes and what she saw made her choak on her bite. She took the bag and pulled out her soda and drank alittle and swallowed, she sighed in relife. But quickly went back to the laptop, the weight gain art picture showed a very fat woman.

She was having thicc arms and legs, huge curvs, her belly big as a beach ball, chins all swollen and her breast were big as basketballs, bigger than Saiko’s D-sized bust. But the thing that shocked Saiko wasen’t the woman, but the picture’s Like Bar, it had over 10,000 likes! It’s more than most pictures of skinny, pretty looking womans. Saiko skrolled down and she was getting more and more shocked, with the mixture of frustration.

Every picture she saw, was nothing but girls being fat in different shape of forms, some with big bellies, some with muffin tops, some in complete immobile blobiness, and all of them had either more or as many likes than the pretty woman pictures

”BEING FAT GIVES YOU ATTENTION?!?!?!”

She shouted out in anger, she had lived through her life beliving skinniness and healthy dieting was the way to get attention, but these picture just showed that the opposit is true! These woman in the art picture just had no care or concern for their health or even the ability to walk and just gorged in all the food they could get, and these pictures had more likes than the skinny once!!

”Is that how it is, Huh?” Saiko thought to herself and looked at her burger, she grabed it and took a large bite and chewed fast, then she took another bite, without swallowing the first one.

”I’ll show you fat!”

She swallowed the big pieces and throwed in the rest into her mouth. She grabed her Mc bag and pulled up the fries, she took many in a hand and showed them into her mouth, while chewing on her hamburger. She swallowed and rose the box up, shaking down the fries into her mouth. She chewed and drank her soda at the same time.

When she had emptied the box and the soda, she stood up and looked down on herself. She hadn’t changed much, but her stomach had started to form a small bulge.

”More...” she said quietly while grinding her teeth in frustartion

She went to the kitchen and opened her fridge. There was barly anything there, except for a carton of milk, still unopened. Saiko took it and opend it and put the opening at her mouth, she bend back and let the milk slush down her throat. Upon empting it, she cleaned her mouth with her arm and look down again, her bulge had increased a little bit, and it looked like her breasts had increased a tiny bit..

”I’m not done yet” she thought to herself and grabed her phone. And started to type something

”Those food take out sites should be usefull now!” She said out laud.

An hour later, on the Kitchen table were 28 different types of pizzas, 54 triple cheeseburgers, 83 boxes of fries, 33 pies, 10 cakes, 20 plates of spagehtii and 8 cans of sodas. Saiko had crossed her arms when she counted all of it. She was going to eat this all by herself...

”Let’s eat then” she said in a serious tone. She went for the spagehtti first. She knew that Mario had eaten tons of spagehtti, yet he never got fatter. It was as if he had a black hole in his stomach. But that was Mario, she is a anime girl. She took a plate and grabed the spagetthi, she took a large bite and chewed on it, then she took another bite, and another. Swallowing it, the first plate was empty.

She reached for a cake and took the one with strawberry and lots of whiped cream on. She literly went head first into it and chewed on the pieces like she was a pig. When the plate got empty, she threw the plate away, she decided to go for some fries. She grabed two boxes and poured all of it into her mouth, it was alot in her mouth, but she grabed a soda can and poured that into her mouth to make it softer, she easly swallowed it and then drank up all of the soda bottle, with some small breaks in between.

Now that it was empty, she decided to go after the more calorie full fast food, Cheeseburgers. But when she leaned, her stomach touched the table’s side. Saiko looked down confused, she wasen’t that close. But she relized it wasen’t her, but her stomach. Her belly was bigger! The bulge had becomed a big muffin top, leaning out atleast 5 centimeter. Saiko wiggled the new fat she gained. He smiled smugly

”This is a good start!” She said to herself. She grabed two cheeseburgers and took a large bite from both

”But I need to get bigger!” She though to herself, back to a more serious tone and faceal expression

”I need to be thiccer! Thicc with 10 ”C”s- No! 50 ”C”S!!!!”

Saiko chowed all the cheeseburgers she could get, before she stop at her 24th triplecheeseburger. That’s when she went for the pies, starting with a blueberry Pie. Like with the cake, she went head first and devoured it like a pig. But the pie was so delisous! Saiko barley eat pie, so she went for another one, and a another one! She ended up eating all the pies.

”Well there went my eating plan...” Saiko said annoiyed as she crossed her harms, upon crossing them, she felt that there was something squishy inbetween them. She looked down and was shocked yet amazes by the sight. Her arms, once skinny yet could carry a hammer that weight more than she does, were now 3x thicc layer of adipose. Her breasts had increased in size! There were big as footballs! She looked at her sides, they had increased too! Her midrift and sides had three flapps! Her legs had grown thiccer aswell! Starting at her thighs, they were thicc as roasted chickens. She then realized her ass was feeling heavier than usual. She reached down with her left hand, and they were huge alright! Like she had gotten two basketballs stuck there. But that’s not all, her chins has started to swollen up, she had also started to gain a double chin.

”Or maybe this might be an good idea...” Saiko thought to herself. She looked at the pizza pile, and reached out for them.

1 hour later...

Someone was knocking on the front door.

”It’s, BELCH, open!” Saiko’s voice said. The door opened and in walked a small green creature with stubby arms and legs and cyan spiky hair. This is Fishy Boopkins, Saiko’s Ex-boy friend.

”Hey... Saiko?” He asked in his high pitched voice. ”Where are you?”

”In the kith-URP!-en!” Boopkins raised an eye brow, but shaked his stubby body.

”Have you seen my phone?” He walked to the kitchen entrence ”I can’t find it and last time I saw it, it was here”. He entered the kitchen

”Have you see- OH MY GOD!” Boopkins eye were wide as watermelons and his mouth literly touched the ground.

What he saw was Saiko, but she was super unreconizable. Her belly was a big and round, like she had swollen a yoga ball, hanging over her waist. Close to her feet. Her sides were wide and had 5 layers of flabbs. Arms thicc with lard, her ass cheeks bigger than overinflated beachballs. Her breast was big as two basketballs. Her chins was thicc and floppy like she was storing food for the winter.

Around the Room, was many empty plates. He could make out some small left overs of cheeseburgers, pizza, spagetthi, cakes and 4 empty soda bottles. Saiko was wrathfully eating a triplecheeseburger while holding a different one. She looked to the side and saw Boopkins. She stop what she was doing and swallowed the chunk.

”Oh, Kon'nichiwa Boopkins!” She said happily, ignoring her friends shocked state.

”What brings you here?” Boopkins shaked his body violently and asked

”Saiko? Why have you eaten so much junk food!?” His eyes got sadden.

”Are you still upset that I dumped you?”. Saiko looked concerned. Her fattening caust her friend to be sad.

”Oh no! No, no Boopkins. You got it all wrong!” She said in a reasuring manner ”This has nothing to do with that!”

”You sure?”

”Yeah... BURP!” Saiko closed her mouth with her hand quickly. Her giant checks turned red.

”Excuse me” she said kinda emberessed.

”But... why have you... let yourself go so much?” Saiko looked down and saw her dastric changes.

”Oh Yes!” She puts own the burgers and started to wiggle her floppy belly.

”This is getting better and better!”

”Better?!”

Saiko went back to her burgers and said

”And to awnser your question Boopkins, I have comed to figure out that the only persons that get attention are fat people. If I become the most fatest and widest person on the planet, Everyone will ADORE me! Now If your excuse me, I must continue my new diet” Saiko went back into taking big bites of her cheeseburger.

”Once I’m done with these burgers, I’m gonna order a second batch of food!” She said with food in her mouth. Boopkins was just confused of her reasoning.

”Um... How did you come to that conclusion? He asked. Saiko swallowed and pointed at the living Room.

”Instagram, my laptop is in the living Room if you want to check” Saiko continued her ”project”. Boopkins ran into the living Room and jumped up on the couch. That’s were the laptop layed. He opend it and say he needed a password.

”What’s the password?!” He shouted to Saiko in the Kitchen. After hearing another belch, Saiko answered

”It’s 10022018!” Boopkins typed the numbers in. But before he pressed Enter, he looked at the numbers again.

”Wait? 10 02 2018?... 10th February 2018?” Boopkins got a sadden smile ”Aw, her code is the day I brought her to life...” he pressed Enter and saw terrifying things.

”OH MY GOD!!!” Boopkins voice could be heared from the living Room. Saiko was eating the other cheeseburger, while having a new one in her hand. She looked to the Kitchen entrences, while chewing on her chunk. Boopkins ran back in to the Kitchen.

”THAT’S YOUR REASON FOR DOING THIS?!?!?” Boopkins shouted stressed. Saiko started to chew fasters and said ”Yes! I know!! But did you see the amount of likes they got?! They want fat! I’ll show them fat!!” She was eating much faster again, she drank up another soda bottle.

”But Saiko! Those are fetish art!!” Saiko stoped eating and looked at Boopkins in a confused manner.

”What?” Is all she could say... and then took another bite of her Burger.

”Yes! Fetish Art” Boopkins said angry ”Only weird people like those things!!” Saiko was looking somewhat interested

”But... you like anime, aren’t that the same thing?” She was about to take another bite of her Burger but Boopkins screamed ”STOP EATING RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!!!” Which statled the fatten anime girl that she droped the burgers. Boopkins continued with

”First of all, I like moving art that can tell compeling stories, cool action scenes and cute girls. Fetish artists just like still frame of fat people. Secund: Saiko. I know you’re better than this”.

His serious tone changed to a somber one. ”I care about you, and seeing you like this hurts. And I want you to think, the only attention you’ll get is from normal people, but they’re just gonna asked themselfs how a young woman would let herself go like this?”

Saiko was silent for a long while. She thought about it and... yeah... only weird people on the internet would like her. But the majority of everyone else in the real world would just be scared, confused or disqusted by her fatness. Saiko made a heavy sigh.

”Sigh... Yeah, you’re right” she took a step. That was a mistake.

”Whoaaaa!” She lost her balance and fell, turning around and landing back first, making Boopkins fly up in the air and then crash down.

”Ah! He said when he hit the ground. He got up and ran to his friend. ”Saiko!” He got to her head.

”Are you ok?” He asked concerned for his friend. Saiko groaned and opened her eyes.

”Y-yeah” she smiled to him ”I guess I not used to my new weight yet...” Saiko tried to stand up, keyword being ”tried”. She bend up, but didn’t get anywhere. So she tried to pull up by extending her arms, it didn’t work either, Saiko fell back down.

”Oh no!” Saiko said scared. ”I’m too fat to rise up!!”

”Don’t worry, Saiko! I’ll help you up!” Boopkins said. He tried to lift her head up, but he’s too weak to carry her. He needed to catch his breath.

”So I’m stuck down here?” Saiko asked. Boopkins looked at her, she was starting to tear up! ”I guess I deserve it. I mean, I was foolish enough to trust the pictures likes than the real world, sniff” Saiko’s tears is what made Boopkins had enough of this.

”DAAAD!” He shouted. Immidetly afterwords, the roof opend by a giant tentacle, owned by a giant Octodad wearing A Cathulu mask! It’s Fishy Boopkins’ Dad!! Saiko was just flambergasted of what she saw.

”Daaaad? Could you help me carry my friend?” Boopkins asked. Boopkins’ Dad was just silent, he then extended his other tentacle. Boopkins climed up Saiko’s big belly and sat on the top. Boopkins’ dad’s tentacle rolled around Saiko and he lifted her up. Now high in the air, Boopkins asked ”Can you take us to Peach’s Castle too?” Once again, Dad was silent while looking at them. He then started to walk.

Boopkins smiled. He then slid down the belly and stoped close to Saiko’s head, who was resting on the top of Dad’s tentacle.

”Don’t worry Saiko, once we get to our friends, we’re gonna fix this!” He said in a reasuring manner. Saiko made a sadden smile.

”Thanks, Boopkins...” she answered back. But then she looked unamused ”But can you not stand in my breasts?”

”Huh?” Boopkins looked around, and indeed, he was standing/sitting on her giant jugs! Boopkins jumped off scared and begd for forgivness

Meanwhile...

SMG4’s phone rang. He answered

”Hello?” On the other side a meek Female voice saw screaming

”SMG4! I NEED YOUR HELP, NOW!”

To Be Continued...

2 notes · View notes

closetofanxiety · 6 years

Text

Nitromare: Underneath the Barrel

Another week, another episode of Nitro from the Vince Russo era. This Monday is November 1, 1999, and we’re live from the Target Center in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I went out to Minneapolis to see a wrestling show last year, and had a fine time. I don’t know if I’ll have as much fun watching this Nitro.

We open up with Bret Hart upbraiding Hall and Nash for interfering in his match last week. They don’t know why he’s upset, since they interfered on his behalf. “Screw you, Scott!” Bret yells.

Bret walks out to the crowd, on crutches, and tells people he thinks Bill Goldberg is the rightful U.S. champion. Sid Vicious, hair product spilling down the back of his leather vest in thick rivulets, comes out and beats on Hart. Hall and Nash come out to mock the injured Canadian hero.

We’re still in the midst of this nonsensical tournament to crown a new WCW world heavyweight champion. The brackets make me realize I’ve been misspelling Lash LeRoux’s name wrong for two straight installments of Nitromare. It’s in the spirit of Crash TV, bro!

One thing I appreciate is that the WWE Network has left in the commercials that are wrestling-themed, so there are some Randy Savage Slim Jims ads, and a lot of ads for WCW toys. It’s amazing how little ads for wrestling toys have changed since then. The medium is ripe for reinvention.

Some recap, some backstage nonsense, and we’re onto our first match: Vampiro vs. Berlyn, in a battle to see who is the top mall goth in all of WCW. It’s a pretty decent match, and then ... Oh God, it’s the Michael Graves-era Misfits running out of the back for some reason. “Vampiro is a musician as well,” Tony notes. I’ll say this: the Michael Graves albums aren’t as bad as people claim. Some decent songs on those, but people were just going to shit on anything that wasn’t Danzig, casually overlooking that “Earth A.D.” was terrible.

Ah, let’s see: ref bump, the Misfits take out Berlyn’s bodyguard, The Wall, with a chair shot, and then help Vampiro get the cheating win over Berlyn. The Wall has miraculously recovered from being knocked unconscious 15 seconds ago, and gives the microphone to Berlyn. “From now on, screw USA!” he says.

Backstage, Hall is reading a newspaper. Ah, the 1990s! He and Nash mumble semi-audibly to each other. In another part of backstage, the Revolution have locked a leather-clad Torrie Wilson in a cage. “She’s the property now of the Revolution,” Brain informs us.

The Revolution come out to the ring. Perry Saturn is wearing an outfit entirely composed of denim except for his leather Kangol. “You say you want a revolution?” Shane Douglas asks. No one said that, Shane. They let Perry talk for a while, which is a bold choice. Perry demands a key on top of a pole match, the key being the one to let Torrie Wilson out of her cage. Is this the first item on a pole match of the Russo era? I believe it is.

Dean Malenko takes the mic to call out Chris Benoit. “You’ve been nothing but a puss, old buddy,” he says. DANGEROUSLY EDGY.

Benoit comes out. All these guys are in street clothes, which hilariously means polo shirts tucked into jeans. They look like a bunch of office guys getting ready to cut loose with a game of touch football at the company picnic. Chris Benoit announces he will wrestle Dean Malenko in a cage, which for some reason causes Malenko to have some kind of psychotic break.

Backstage, the Filthy Animals are coming into the building, and a security stops them, demanding to see backstage passes. This makes a huge amount of sense. The Filthy Animals beat the security guy up, because they can’t be contained by your rules. Meanwhile, Mike Tenay is interviewing Kimberly Page, who is flanked by all the Nitro Girls. How many Nitro Girls can you name without looking it up? Was one of them named Sapphire? That’s about as much as I can muster. Kim tells the Nitro Girls she’s leaving the group. I never really thought of her as a Nitro Girl tbh.

Ernest “The Cat” Miller comes to the ring, and the fake music the WWE Network inserts over his entrance song is unbelievably bad. Seriously, go and watch this. It’s incredible. It sounds like a Casio keyboard has been sunk in a vat of pickle brine before being struck by hammer-wielding orangutans.

He’s wrestling Lash LeRoux. “Big future ahead for this guy,” Brain says. “I can see it. He’s going to explode.” He’s now a Christian cartoonist and illustrator, so maybe? This match lasts maybe two minutes. The Cat’s knee gives out and LeRoux picks up the win.

Backstage, Hart is raging about Nash and Hall. “These guys aren’t the bottom of the barrel, they’re underneath the barrel!” he fumes. Meanwhile, dissension in the Nitro Girls as they try to decide who will be the new leader. Elsewhere, the Filthy Animals are secretly videotaping Lex Luger and Miss Elizabeth. Eddie Guerrero is wearing a fetching Cosby sweater. The camera keeps rolling after they stop acting and then they show an actual behind-the-scenes TNT director. Everyone is cracking up. LIVE TV, BRO! Maybe that was deliberate? Maybe Vince Russo was out to destroy the fourth wall once and for all?

Now we cut to a remote segment with a shockingly subdued, normal Scott Steiner talking about a back injury to Larry Zbyszko. This is a totally different Steiner. No shouting, no babbling, just a guy talking like a football player about the specifics of an injury and surgery. Larry is wearing a colored denim shirt with the Nitro logo on the breast pocket. At last, a garment fine enough for me to be wed in. Was this an attempt to do a “shoot interview”? Russo pulling back the curtain - this ain’t Scott Steiner the character, this is Scott Steiner THE HUMAN BEING!

Now we’re back in the ring, and the Nitro Girls are dancing. I would like to read an oral history of this dance troupe. Get on that, Bixenspan. The dancing ends with some pushing and shoving, but before that can go anywhere, we’re backstage again, with Tenay interviewing Buff Bagwell. The Buff Daddy complains about “the writers” holding him back.

A series of vignettes show us Kevin Nash doing a Vince McMahon impression. What am I doing with my life?

Back to the Nitro Girls. More pushing and shoving backstage. Trying to turn them into workers was such a characteristically Russovian decision. And, like most of his ideas, it was terrible and obviously doomed to fail.

A crowd sign: “BUFF IS THE REAL PEOPLE [sic] CHAMPION”

Stevie Ray comes out and announces that “the powers that be” have determined there will be a strap match. “Who said that? The two writers in the back?” Buff yells. Yes, Buff. So now we have a strap match. It’s not a good strap match, and the two suited goons who work for THE DAMN WRITERS IN THE BACK run out because Buff starts to win. Why do Russo and Ferrara hate Buff so much?

We switch from the ring as the ring announcer is talking to Tenay interviewing Jeff Jarrett. “Don’t get slappy with me, Tenay!” he says. He drops some more insider terminology, because Vince Russo thought that was what normal people wanted.

Kevin Nash comes out, a vision of horror in putty makeup, as Vince McMahon. “The fans out here, they don’t even know who he is,” Tony says. Which explains why they’re silently watching this terrible skit. Less than three years after this, Nash would be working for Vince McMahon once again, and losing to Chris Jericho in a hair vs. hair match. Life comes at you fast, Kevin.

“I put anyone out of business until I was the only show in town,” Nash as Vince says, eerily predicting what will happen in less than 18 months. The crowd is restless and bored. He uses some insider lingo, as was the style at the time. Nash-Vince introduces Scott Hall as “the Trouser Snake.”

“He’s clean and sober!” Nash-Vince proclaims. This is grim. Fifteen years before this, a young “Magnum” Scott Hall was starting off in this very city, in the dying days of the once-great American Wrestling Association. How far we had all come.

Hall launches some more insider lingo and does a crotch chop aimed at “the boys in New York.” Seconds and minutes of my life, rushing by, never to be held again.

Backstage shit. Lex, Liz, Meng, Perfect. Ah, Perfect. The last great star of the Minneapolis-based AWA, a native of nearby Robbinsdale. What did Verne make of all this? I mean, Verne probably would have tried to put a 59-year-old Baron Von Raschke over Bret Hart, but I digress.

Hennig gets a good pop when he comes out. Brain points out Hennig’s father, the great AWA star Larry Hennig, at ringside. The ghosts of the 1970s are all around us. This is a match against Disco Inferno. This will not be up to the standard of one of Hennig’s matches in the previous decade with Nick Bockwinkel.

The crowd absolutely fucking loses it for Larry Hennig, chanting “LARE-EE! LARE-EE!” as he punches Disco Inferno. Ah, that does my heart good.

Of course, this has to be interrupted by the random appearance of some goober walking down the ramp from backstage. Disco Inferno runs out to talk to him, and they walk down the ramp to the back. The bell rings, and Hennig wins by contour. Larry claps at ringside while looking like he’s seen someone shoot a family pet.

Some backstage garbage. We come back to the ring for a “hardcore three-way dance.” The Barbarian w/Jimmy Hart, Meng, and ... Norman Smiley dressed as a baseball catcher. Two of the all-time legit tough guys and a star from the old British wrestling, in this goofy-ass plunder battle. This should have been a stiff, nasty classic. Instead it’s a slow, sloppy farce.

Crowd sign, evidently made by a lunatic: “PUSH DAVID FLAIR.”

In the ring, Meng and the Barbarian are chopping the shit out of Norman Smiley. THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. Smiley’s shoulder is sliced open, probably on one of those fake trash cans. He’s stretchered away from the ring for some reason. He jumps off the stretcher when he sees that Meng and the Barbarian have knocked each other out, and covers the Barbarian for the win.

Backstage, Jim Duggan is begging an unseen Vince Russo for his job. “I’ve been wrestling for 20 years, and I think I have more fan support than some of these guys out here doing the dropkicks.” Fancy, fancy dropkicks!

Russo, off-camera, sneers, “It’s all about ratings. Next!” He managed to keep his voice off TV for two whole weeks. As we know, the amount of Vince Russo time would only grow.

Jarrett comes out and demands to see Luger. Jarrett is mad that Luger accused him of beating up Miss Elizabeth two weeks ago. “This is not the WWF. We don’t abuse women here!” Luger comes out and apologizes for accusing Jeff Jarrett of hitting Miss Elizabeth with a guitar. This is exactly like “War and Peace.” But it’s all a ruse! Luger goads Jarrett into insulting Meng, who runs out. Jarrett flees, wisely.

Miss Elizabeth and Luger join Meng. Elizabeth thanks Meng, and then ... maces him. Luger pulls out a crowbar and beats on Meng. None of this makes sense. None of it has to. We are deep within the heart of the Nitromare.

Backstage nonsense. The Filthy Animals, who Mark accurately describes as “The Go-Bots version of DX,” come out for a good ol’ fashioned object on a pole match. The object here is a key that will free Torrie Wilson from a cage. If Eddie Guerrero wins, he will reunite Torrie with her crew. Perry Saturn implies that if he wins, he will have sex with Torrie, presumably against her will. Whenever someone talks about how great wrestling was in the late 1990s, I will remember this.

Perry Saturn is driving a forklift with the Torrie cage on it. I’m not sure he’s a licensed forklift operator. Also, I’m pretty sure the Target Center is a union shop. Could be a strike in the works here.

Tony: “It’s been a wild night.” Brain: “It’s getting better every Monday!” Only Tony is truthful.

Eddie vs. Saturn should be a good match, but of course it’s not. After about two minutes, there’s interference from Shane Douglas, and most of the action in the match revolves around attempts to get the key off the pole. This is the problem with object on a pole matches.

Sign in the crowd: “CONAN [sic] IS THE TACO BELL DOG.” This is a racist reference that may be lost on younger people reading this today.

Eddie gets the key while Torrie chokes Saturn. The Filthy Animals were, theoretically, a pretty good faction. It’s kind of a fun mixture of personalities, and their all-for-one mentality really helped them stand out. They were let down by the fact that Vince Russo was in charge.

More backstage shit, and then we’re back in the ring for a Filthy Animals match. I mean, we just had all the Filthy Animals out for the previous match, but here they are again. No way the crowd could possibly become bored by 25 minutes of the same people, right?

Kidman and Konnan, the tag team champs, are going to be wrestling Sting and Luger. We’ve also seen a lot of Luger tonight. This is WCW, but they’re running the show like one of those super local indies where everyone has to wrestle twice on the same show.

Some people in the crowd have Juggalo face paint, the second week in a row I’ve noticed this. Did the Misfits ever wrestle the Insane Clown Posse on a WCW show? If not, why not?

This match sucks, but Sting is still insanely popular. The crowd goes berserk at every Stinger splash. The match ends after three or four minutes via DQ, when Rey and Eddie jump Sting. The Filthy Animals were the babyfaces in the previous match, and they’re the heels here. Welcome to Vince Russo’s World of Moral Ambiguity and Veiled Rape References.

Sting is mad because Lex didn’t help against the Filthy Animals. Sting and Luger have quite the rocky friendship. Backstage, Sting knocks over an (empty) barrel of Surge, the none-more-Nineties soft drink.

We come to the ring, where Booker T is walking out. He’s jumped on the ramp by Jeff Jarrett. This is a fun, Southern-style match, or more like a hyper fast, caffeinated version of a Southern match. Naturally, it gets interrupted by the two besuited goons working on behalf of Russo and Ferrara, and Jarrett wins. Has there been a clean pin once tonight?

A remote piece from the set of “Slam,” which would later be renamed “Ready to Rumble,” the godawful David Arquette wrestling movie. Tenay interviews Goldberg. Goldberg sure doesn’t like the Outsiders and Sid!

A bunch of backstage garbage. Madusa, another AWA favorite, gets a nice reception from the crowd. She’s going to wrestle Evan Karagias. This is pretty much what people who don’t like intergender wrestling are thinking of when they talk about intergender wrestling. Madusa keeps trying to seduce Karagias rather than wrestle him. Madusa pins him and then makes out with him. Everything is awful.

Benoit and Malenko are wrestling in a cage. This should be a brutal classic by two of the best technical wrestlers of all time. “I can’t wait ‘til this match is over,” Brain says. I feel the same way about this episode, and this entire insane project.

The match is not a brutal classic. It’s over in 4:29. A few decent spots, but more like a highlight reel than anything. Perry Saturn runs out to try and help Malenko. It doesn’t work. Benoit wins with a diving headbutt off the top of the cage, which is insane. The Revolution gets into the cage and they beat up Benoit. The Filthy Animals have turned into babyfaces again, and they run into the cage to help Benoit. The crowd doesn’t know what to do, so they do nothing. David Flair, the least electrifying man in sports entertainment, shows up with a crowbar to attack the Filthy Animals. Now Sting comes out to attack the Filthy Animals. With any luck, we’ll get Meng out here to attack the Filthy Animals.

Instead, we cut to the parking garage. David Flair is trying to sneak away, but gets run down by someone driving a car. It’s Kim Page. This show is terrible.

Backstage: someone has beaten up Nash-Vince. Good.

Now the main event: Sid vs. Scott Hall. Why am I doing this to myself? How much longer am I going to be able to do this?

The match is bad. It lasts 4:53. For a second I have the horrifying fear that this is the match where Sid broke his leg, but then I look it up and see that it happened during the Sin PPV in January 2001.

There’s a ref bump. Second of the night. A referee was also attacked by Shane Douglas after the key on a pole match. Bret Hart comes out on his crutches. Hits Sid. Swings and misses with Hall. Hall gets the pin on Sid. Who cares about any of this? What is even happening in this show?

#Nitromare #show reviews #WCW #1990s wrestling

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