#queer platonic longing

[diaqueenunderthemountain]

I know I said it before but this cannot be overstated

✨THEY ARE FRIEND SHAPED✨

and my aroace self falls for friend shaped people so hard

[lilyginnyblackv2]

Now that Buddy Daddies is finished, I’m gonna say it: SPOILERS!

Buddy Daddies really is for the aces, aros, queerplatonic partners, and platonic life partners out there. 

I know, 100%  that there are going to be some people out there that are going to say, “See! It really was just queerbait all along” or some who are going to bemoan the fact that there were no declarations of romantic love or kiss or whatever. I’m sure this part right here:

Miri: “Didn’t you slip out yesterday to go drinking with a girl again?” 

Caused some frowns and I do get it. Because of this, the queerbait and Kazuki and Rei are just friends dialogue will continue and follow the series around. But, this episode has made it clear that Kazuki and Rei love not only Miri, but each other as well.

They are a work partners (相棒 - aibou)

They are partners raising a child together. (相方 - aikata).

They’ve moved (I’m pretty sure their diner is in Okinawa for reasons I’ll get to in another post), they’ve opened a business together, one which has a part of Kazuki’s last name in it (来栖 - Kurusu is his last name, the 栖 (su) part of his name means “nest.”), and Rei’s words to his father: Miri, Kazuki, and I share a bond stronger than blood. 

They are a family. They love each other.

Of course, friends can be a part of a family. Friends can love each other, but there are also reasons why people who are in situations like co-parenting, queerplatonic relationships, platonic life partnerships, and etc. don’t refer to their bonds as friendships and the people they are co-parenting or in a partnership with as their friends, but as words that give some space for those grey areas in-between.

Friendships are strong, deep, and beautiful. Platonic love is love and is powerful.

But, there are definitely still different sets of expectations and boundaries that come with friendships vs. other relationship dynamics. 

Kazuki and Rei’s situation falls outside of the usual friendship expectations and boundaries and sits somewhere between that, family and partnership.

I know this topic has been talked to death about. But, I felt like I needed to write about and address it one final time since Buddy Daddies has come to an end (though, who knows about a potential Daughter Daddies!) Especially after Miri’s line to Kazuki. (I feel I could also go into open relationship dynamics, polyamorous relationships, and etc. but that feels like it would be derailing). 

Basically, I just wanted to get one final post out on this. I was very pleased with this ending episode. It made my heart so happy and warm, and I know I’ve said it before, but this series really speaks to me as someone who is aroace. Aroace characters and our relationship dynamics have basically no rep, so even if this series wasn’t intended to be written with a queerplatonic relationship dynamic in mind, they ended up writing a beautiful depiction of one that makes me and what I would want from a relationship of some kind, finally feel seen.

[neuroticboyfriend]

there is nothing wrong with having a long distance relationship, especially if you haven't met in person. what matters most in a relationship is that you improve each others lives and can grow and change together. you fulfill each other - and you can do that without being together in person. if toxic in person relationships can be normalized, there's no reason a healthy long distance/online relationships should be ridiculed or judged.

(this post includes friendships, sexual relationships, and queer platonic relationships!)

[bloggingboutburgers]

Alone again and all queerplatonically loved up!

...Though that won't be for long. I'm visiting my QPP myself in 2 weeks for 2 weeks, because we decided to be unhinged this month it seems.

In the meantime I'll try to be a bit more active here!

[panstovoid]

If anyone ever asks me what a queer platonic relationship is it is literally the spider-teens from the spiderverse series.

[severedegg]

*comes in wet and patheticly*

Could you spare me 1 (one) small drawing of Gordon giving Tommy a lil kiss on the cheek pretty please

i had to..... you came in all wet and dripping and soaked.....

[writingmoth]

liking romantasy as an ace person who is more sex-indifferent than sex-favorable is so exhausting. there are all these books that look cool but the authors mostly market them based on spicy levels and spicy scenes and it does nothing for me so i just sit here like :| thats nice i guess haha

[homicidalbrunette]

Not Trixie asking repeatedly who Katya loves most until her saying "I think you probably" and then her just talking over her, this is so purely them.

[diaqueenunderthemountain]

✨been so goddam touch starved lately✨

I want to hug someone; to be warm and soft; to hold someone; to be loved

Please let me hold your hands if they’re cold, please let me put my arms around you when you’re sad, please sit a little to close next to me on the bus and brush against my leg

[qpr-culture-is]

any tips or advice for queerplatonics that cannot visit each other for x or y reasons?

Ok so got some advice from people on the discord server and them main suggestions were voice messages, voice chats, watching movies and shows on apps that allow the feature where you connect with other people and watch it at the same time, and hobbies you can do online like together like gaming

[bella-ved]

me when queerplatonic goldendragon 💥💥💥

[bloggingboutburgers]

congratulations on getting engaged!! sort of unrelated but i wanted to ask you, what was your experience being in a long-distance qpr and do you have any advice/tips for how to stay connected with your qpp over long distance? i'm in a qpr and my partner is going to move away soon, we haven't really broached the topic yet so i'm hoping to get an opinion from someone who has experienced being in a long distance qpr so i can go into the conversation with some sort of bearings and ideas ^^

Thank you so much!!

Our experience is different because we basically started out long distance, but hopefully this'll help:

Needless to say we text every day, send each other a lot of pictures, we video-call every weekend for hours on end, and we sometimes send each other gift packages for special occasions. We also make regular plans to see each other (though we're oceans apart so that's expensive and sadly it doesn't get too happen too often, but still!) so we have things to look forward to together. There WILL be crying when we part at the airport each time, so we try to have ideas set for our next meeting before the current one finishes, so it's not AS sad! And when we do see each other, traveling this far sorta makes it unavoidable but we take time off, so we have all the time we want with each other while we're together.

So yeah... Hopefully that can be pointers? Either way I wish you guys good luck!

[lilyginnyblackv2]

Still thinking about this one dude on Twitter that left a comment on my post about how Buddy Daddies isn’t a gay anime, but a queer one because Rei and Kazuki willingly chose to live and raise a kid together, so it goes against societal expectations and heteronormativity....

And they were like, “It’s sad how neither of them can have a real family because of their line of work.” :( 

....??? Hello? They are a family. They are a found family. Like...??? I responded back as such (a bit more eloquently worded), but like...??? The OP for the series even states that this is a FAMILY STORY:

The part that I circled in red says: Family Story of Two Killers and a Girl.

FAMILY STORY.

Some dudebros out there are pretty desperate and insistent on not acknowledging the family aspect of Rei and Kazuki’s situation. They’ll just be like, “It’s just two friends co-parenting a kid together.” Literally like this meme:

The meme image is of the dog with the ball in its mouth. In the first panel, the dog looks pleading. The text above it (which I put in myself) is a question: “Two men living & raising a child together?”

The next panel is of the dog with the ball in its mouth. It looks angry this time and a human arm and hand is in the panel. It’s trying to take the ball. Above the image is the text (which I put in myself) that says, “No queer.”

The last panel is just of the angry dog with the ball in its mouth, and it says, “Only friends.” (Text was added by me). 

Basically, not acknowledging that they are a family. They always hone in on how they are friends. And not in the same way that fellow aspec people like myself do, in the sense of something like a queerplatonic relationship or platonic life partnership, but in a very “they are JUST friends” kinda way. Not a family. Nothing queer. Still straight, kinda way.

It’s eye-roll worthy for sure, but also rather interesting to see the reactions too. Since Buddy Daddies has, so far anyway, gone for a normalization approach to this situation. Not the usual “gay or queer subtext that stays subtext and is meant to tantalize the audience” kinda way that we often see in anime. And usually these dudebro guys would just poo-poo away these kinds of series as “fujobait” and these sorts of readings as “yaoi fangirl delusions,” and the like.

But Buddy Daddies is putting it out there - normalizing - this fact that Kazuki and Rei are partners in this (regardless of eithers sexual orientation, that really doesn’t matter here), that Miri is their daughter, and that they are being viewed as a family, and I am living for it! 

It’s causing these type of anime fans to flounder.

[kitkat-the-muffin]

Thinking about how Dirk loves Roxy and wants Roxy to be loved by someone who deserves her and how he wants the best for her because she’s truly his best and greatest friend and he wishes he could love her in the way she wants and deserves but he can’t and it’s not just because of his sexuality but it’s also that he thinks he could never be good enough for her as he holds her to such a high value over himself he can’t see his own strengths and why she loves him back

She’s everything, he’s just Dirk

[alterousuggestion]

I'm very new to alterous attraction. It's very hard for me to really... Get a grasp on, honestly? If you could try to explain it would be very appreciated. I hear it spoken about like a truly wonderful thing, but I don't even know what it means besides "the secret third thing" and beyond the platonic/romantic/sexual/aesthetic model I used

hi screaming-cricket !! if i’m being honest, i don’t really know how to explain it either, ahaha. i know that’s not very helpful, but it truly is something that is in a gray zone for myself and a lot of other people (although not all). to me, alterous attraction is something that is very distinctly it’s own thing: it doesn’t feel like something i would typically associate with platonic friendships, but they do not feel inherently romantic either. in fact, calling them romantic or forcing them into the romantic category makes me so uncomfortable. there is overlap though, for example, whenever i experience alterous or platonic attraction, i feel these things in both cases:

wanting to talk/call/video call with them 

looking forward to hang outs

thinking about how we both consider each other a friend is something that makes me happy 

happy after seeing them, sad when they are upset, wanting to see them grow and achieve their dreams and be the best version of themselves 

but there are also noticeable differences:

the level of emotional intimacy i want to achieve with an alterous ‘crush’ is different compared to platonic friendships. i want to know them inside out, and i want them to know me inside out too. i want to be the first person they turn to for support, and i want them to be that for me too. 

calling them my ‘best friend’ is amazing, but it doesn’t seem to fully encompass all i feel for them. calling them my boyfriend/girlfriend/etc., also doesn’t feel accurate, and in a lot of ways, it feels limiting and really uncomfortable. like i do care for them platonically, but that doesn’t feel right, but romantic doesn’t feel right either. 

the level of physical intimacy is also different. i want to be close to them, i imagine taking naps with them. i want to hold their hand. maybe, if i knew they thought about me in the same way, i’d be open to kissing them too. warning for sexual themes in the indented bulletpoints:

when it comes to someone i am alterously attracted to, i am more comfortable with experimentation sexually. that does not mean i am sexually attracted to them (i am also ace), but it’s more like... they make me feel comfortable to try to do those things purely for enjoyment or to feel closer to someone, as long as it’s taken the same way by both parties. 

there is also a desire for a more involved future: i wish they would stay with me in a committed partnership, i want to share a living space with them in the way traditional romantic partners do. i want to share my life in general with them more intimately. 

think of it like... i walk alongside my friends and even though we take different paths, we still converge. for those i am alterously attracted to, i want to do life with them, but hand in hand. i want to go where they go (metaphorically). i want to take those steps with them. now that doesnt mean i want to abandon my own goals, or expect (or want) them to do that for me, but i want the path we take to be closer than others. 

i know that a lot of people might take a look at these things and go ‘i’m okay with doing that with people i am platonically attracted to’ or ‘this is what i want when i am romantically attracted to someone’ and that’s okay !!! relationships are not ‘one size fits all’. all relationships look different. for me, this is as close as i can explain what it feels/means to me. to me, it is something completely outside the platonic/sexual/aesthetic/etc models. alterous is it’s own thing. and it’s confusing to explain but it all boils down to those different feelings. and if you’re wondering whether or not you feel this, i think i would suggest taking a deep breath and maybe even a step back. make a list, if that helps, about what you’d do with a friend vs a romantic partner, and try to make the boundaries as clear as possible. and then think ‘ have i done things that are a mix of both with someone? did our relationship feel different in a way i couldn’t quite pin down? something that is there but also seems not there at the same time?’. if so, you might be dealing with alterous attraction. 

this reply is getting really long, but i guess what i mean to say that it if people are vague about what it feels like, it’s because it is a vague feeling. it’s unique. by listen to your mind and body: does it feel right calling something alterous? does it make you feel happy, and relieved? that’s how i started when i was questioning and then the boundaries and stuff like that became more clear to me after that :3