#rejecting my diagnosis only hurt me more - and hurt the people around me more.

[forcedjuggalofication]

narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real narcissistic abuse isn’t real n

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

Something that makes Fukawa even more relatable to me in Danganronpa Another Episode is her frustration that Komaru keeps saying "she can't do anything because she's just a normal girl, she's not great like her".

It seems obvious to the player that when Komaru says this, it's completely unfair: we know Fukawa to be a struggling mess. But what makes it clear is that Komaru already used this argument before she knew Fukawa was an Ultimate. It was never a fair comparison, it was never about being impressed that she's an Ultimate: she always used this as a tool to put herself down.

Komaru knows Fukawa has DID, she also knows she's deathly terrified of the dark. She sees her being messy in those moments. But it doesn't matter, because she's already decided that Fukawa is stronger than her.

This is something I always go through. For some reason, those around me, my friends, always decide that things are somehow easier for me. Oftentimes because I present myself as an emotionally mature individual, sometimes because there are specific things I'm good at (and as much as this sounds like nothing but a quality, it also happens to be a criterion for certain diagnoses - and "specific" bears a lot of the weight). My successes aren't because of my hard work, they're because I'm naturally good, naturally the smartest, naturally the strongest. Those sound so much like compliments they easily go unchecked, and yet, they're extremely dismissive of my reality.

On one hand because it doesn't matter how much I'm struggling, people will not help me because they think I have it figured out somehow. (Because I'm so smart and always in control.) On the other, my successes are turned against me - I can't support a friend going through something I have experience with "because they can't do these things, they were easy for me because I'm so smart and so strong, but they're normal so they can't." Which is completely untrue.

Which is extremely hurtful. Those times in my life I suffered immensely, I felt lost and alone, are dismissed as easy - for me, though. Not for them.

Those struggles I have that I work through, it turns out I supposedly don't really have, because it's easy for me to get through them - it's difficult for them, though.

It's frustrating. It's frustrating because people are refusing your help, it's frustrating because they're dismissing your struggles. The traumas I overcame are an important part of who I am, but this rhetoric dismisses them. The struggles I work through everyday are inherent to my experience, but to this rhetoric, they don't exist.

It's evident that Fukawa is traumatised and that she struggles everyday, but Komaru has convinced herself that still, she's fine. It's easy for her. She's hurting both herself and Fukawa in the process. This is very realistic and relatable. She thinks she's only putting herself down, but she's really dismissing the both of them.

To come back to the example of people putting themselves down, comparing themselves to abilities that I do have - re: the criterion for diagnosis - I'm still shaken by a time when a friend of mine, who had always talked about how much he wanted to organise his own RP, which I always said I wanted to be a part of, when he finally did, never told me about it. He organised and started it without telling me a word about it. I was so shocked, and so hurt, when he randomly brought up that they were midway through it, seemingly unaware that I would feel extremely rejected. I thought it meant he didn't like me. It turned out it was because he thought I was so good at writing that his story was beneath my level and it would be insulting to invite me to it. This friend of multiple years saw me as a good writer more than he saw me as a friend. It wasn't the compliment he thought it was. It's not like he engages actively with my writing either - it's a story he largely made up in his head, to put himself down, using a glimpse of my abilities as a tool. Now imagine if Fukawa finally made a friend who liked literature and writing, and they didn't invite her to their event.

[pluraladvice]

hello, host of a fairly newly discovered system of 10+, our story is very long but basically our co-host, in a panic and while dealing with identity issues of their own as the oldest alter (formed at age 6, and even then we're not sure if they were around earlier than that), kept me separated from the others for basically all of our lives until this year; Life Happened™ and the "curtains fell" as we like to call it, so we've had to learn how to communicate from basically 0. it's been very grueling, and some days are better than others, but we've managed somehow. getting a proper diagnosis is tremendously hard and expensive in a third-world country like ours, but we're working as fast as we can to get one.

with context out of the way... we would like some advice/positivity. a few days ago we came out to a friend who too is a system; things got taken out of context, and we weren't allowed to explain many details... so we were met with disgust, anger and rejection. i personally understand that they have been badly hurt in the past with people faking being a system, but it was never our intention to harm them. i didn't make our situation known sooner, and that i will accept as a mistake. needless to say we're now hated, and many hurtful things were said towards us (aside from them talking about us behind our backs to my irl best friend, who immediately told us what happened), mainly myself and our co-host, who has gone missing and we fear that they might've gone dormant out of reignited trauma they hold. i guess my question is... is this all there is for us? just because the realization dawned at an adult bodily age, rather than during childhood like them? is my trauma not enough? are our individual struggles, issues and sets of trauma not enough, nor real? sorry if this makes no sense, many of us are struggling in diverse ways regarding this situation, and i, as a host, feel like i am just faking it more than ever.

-🌙 (proofreading done by ❄ and 🐻)

If someone is making you feel this way they're not a very good friend. On top of that MOST people don't discover they're a system until early adulthood and later adulthood. Discovering your a system in your childhood, especially younger years, while not impossible nor unheard of, is not the norm and is pretty rare. The time in which you discover your systemhood doesn't make you a faker, nothing except faking being a system makes you a faker. The only way to be a faker is to consciously take steps and make efforts to fake being a system. Otherwise? You're just a system with a lot of self questioning and self doubt. Which is also completely normal for systems. Even systems that aren't online and don't interact with a lot of space that have people claiming what is and is not fake will have self doubt on their own system hood. Simply put, that is a part of being a system. We discovered our system in are late 20s. Some systems discover themselves in their 30s. Or 40s. There was an older man with a wife and kids in his 50s on a sub reddit for systems that had JUST discovered he was a system. In his 50s. The age at which you discover your system plays no part in whether or not you are a system. Again. You can only fake being a system if you are faking being a system. If you are not putting in conscious effort and steps to fake being a system. Then you aren't faking being a system. That's it. That's all there is to it. And that person and other people do not get to decide for you that you are. You decide that. You are the one that knows, not them.

[curiouschaosstarlight]

hello!! this is some encouragement! I also have anxieties, as well as general difficulty Living Life due to executive dysfunction. but that Want you have is proof enough that you SHOULD push out a little more! your bones long for sunshine, your brain longs for other brains to bounce off of! something that helped me out was two things: resolving to go on more little walks, and learning how to cook better. it's small, and neither will Totally Change Your Life, but it's an extra Kick to get you moving and more used to having some variety. anxiety-wise, i would examine WHAT anxieties you have and make appropriate preparations. scared of getting hurt? see if there's any martial arts places in your area; learning some self-defense and improving your Reaction reflexes can help with that A LOT. worried about poor interactions with strangers? first, think of some ways they could go WELL. then, think of some /realistic/ ways they could go bad, and practice calming down and accepting those circumstances. the cashier being mildly annoyed with you is not the end of the world, after all! stuff like that. and i know we basically never talk, but i see you in my notes quite a lot, so i've come to consider you a friend :) please, feel free to say howdy anytime! even if it's just tagging in a meme.

Hey, same hat!! (Well, probably. I don't have an -official- diagnosis because...well, because the healthcare system sucks and I keep getting the runaround, but it's getting increasingly clear to me and my loved ones that I probably have really bad, undiagnosed ADHD)

I definitely need to go on more walks TwT I was doing really well, going on walks with my mom on early mornings! ...but then, story of my life, Something Happened and "The Habit" Broke. (In this case, it snowed and mom didn't want to walk when there was a bunch of snow on the ground, and I didn't want to go without her) So I have to restart the walking (again), but I still need to do it. I want to cook stuff more often ;w; even if it's just simple stuff. But my current physical situation (slightly with me and my injured shoulder, but primarily with certain stuff outside of my control), that is currently not an option for me qvq

Ironically, fun fact, for all my anxieties and emotional problems, walking around alone has never really scared me (even, or rather especially, at night; night walks are my JAM) unless it's ~mosquito hours~ (See, I have fans! Thousands and thousands of teeny tiny ones........they only want me for my body tho.......) ...Conversely, my body's reaction to rejection (or even perceived rejection) is aaaallll janked up to high heavens qvq and the idea that someone will hate me/dislike me/think I'm "weird" or "annoying" is definitely my biggest obstacle when it comes to approaching new people. (The rise of purity/callout/cancel culture has, uh, definitely not helped as you might imagine...) Definitely my currently biggest problem is I don't have any good ways of calming myself without going to my two best friends for support/distraction, which...really isn't viable in a lot of situations. (<- Something that I realized while reading this ask!) I'm sort of good at doing things like pressing "send" or "join" past my panic and just letting myself panic fully afterwards, but this also is not good long-term...something I absolutely need to look into more.

Awww! ^w^ Thank you! We may not talk much, but I do really value the times you do respond to the stuff I say! And I will! (Also, memes are definitely funner when you have more people to tag >:3c)

[emcant]

Really sick reason to be happy but I can't stop smiling

TW/CW child abuse, mental illness, SH

One of my aunts calls our family "yours, mine, and ours", which is accurate. We've got me, my (step)brother, my dad, my stepmom, and my (half)sister. My brother is seven weeks younger than I am. Our parents got together when we were around four- "work spouses" who were both recently divorced- and our little sister came a few years later.

My bio mom and my brother's bio dad are a mess, somewhere between incapable and unwilling to parent full time. I've been in therapy off and on for most of my life and got my C-PTSD diagnosis at 15. My brother, god love him, just reached his first year of sobriety, having started drinking around the same age.

Naturally, every time we had a chance to say "This isn't normal" to our shared folks, we'd be told "Well of course you'd think that, you're used to your other parent!". The other person was a shovel used for digs: "This isn't their house!". They'd call me by my mom's name when I made them upset.

I assumed I was broken either because of my mom or because of the split. I can't know for certain, of course, but I think the cause of the C-PTSD was specifically that they traded custody daily, at my mom's request, until she moved out of state. She gives the silent treatment. My stepmom screams. The rules changed on me literally every 24 hours until I was 13.

Life evened out a lot when she did move away - but not entirely. I wound up in screamland 90% of the time rather than 50. I couldn't figure out why it didn't feel right or why it kept happening to me, but I believed my folks: I wasn't used to it because my mom's "parenting" is different and worse. I felt sickened to be involved with my mom at all. I thought that if only she wasn't waiting in the wings, I'd be entitled to a normal childhood, but because of her influence, I deserved everything I got.

Anyway, I have been texting my little sister about Christmas gifts for our brother, and out of nowhere, earlier this week, she tells me she's going to therapy for the first time... because she's realized it's not normal for your mom to scream at you literally all day and your dad to not intervene.

I haven't been home for more than three days since I moved out over a decade ago. I had a chance to pass through the town earlier this year, didn't do it, and still had panic attacks for two weeks straight. I can't hack it as someone's daughter; it makes me physically sick.

But that isn't a me problem.

Not a one of them could hack it as parents.

I've stopped hearing my mother's doubts in my head - I cut her off when I moved away. I've never been quite able to shut off my stepmom's. The screamer versus the silence... it fits.

I'm not a poser if I can't create when I don't have a comfortable space to work. I should not self-reject because I'm frightened. In the absence of an abuser, I'm finding that holding ideas in also hurts a lot.

I'm not stupid or useless or gearing up to be a failure for needing the introvert rest period and knowing my limits. It will not hold me back in life.

It isn't normal to want to hurt yourself. It isn't normal for people to laugh it off and talk about themselves when you tell them you want to hurt yourself.

The mandatory insincerity I grew up around has thankfully faded a lot - I don't think I could summarize that anymore if I tried.

I'm heartbroken that my little sister is going to need to learn these things - but ecstatic that she will, and is actively moving towards it. Had a similar conversation with our brother a few years ago, but of course, he has his dad in the wings; it hits differently now knowing that it would have happened no matter what. Children in that home are screamed at, hit, and not defended. Simple as.

I'm not what they wanted me to be.

I'd say that's "fine" but that doesn't even begin to cover it. It's exemplary.

[moldybits]

I need to bitch for a minute here so hold on a sec

I understand most people don’t understand how pharmacies work. I don’t think corporations adding in things like drive thrus has helped retail pharmacy’s image either. But holy shit, this video (and especially the comments) fucking infuriate me

First off, I want everyone to know, a pharmacist has the 100% legal right to not fill your prescription for any reason. Now, normally when there is an issue with the prescription, the pharmacist will attempt to contract the prescriber to have something fixed, changed, clarified, etc. Rarely will a pharmacist ever outright refuse a prescription. I’ve seen it happen only a few times- and those few times came with good reasons. Remember, this is their license on the line. If they were to allow a prescription to get filled that could hurt or even kill you, and something did happen to you, then legal authorities come back at the pharmacist first for allowing it to be dispensed. I hate seeing comments like “this is between me and my doctor!!”. Your pharmacist knows more about medications and drug interactions than your prescriber. Your pharmacist is a healthcare professional. For the love of god they’re not fucking fast food workers that stand around and approve every medication they see.

Second, also in response to the comments, if you’re gonna complain about HIPAA, you better at least spell it right. It isn’t “HIPPA” 🙄. Anyway, yes a pharmacist can ask you any medical question they’d like. I can ask you any question I’d like as a pharmacy tech! I just can’t take your medical information and just tell the next random person in line. That is what HIPAA is. We’ve had a woman complain in the pharmacy that asking for her birthday- which is how we look up your medication in the first place- is a violation of HIPAA. It’s fucking not.

In response to the video- no one refused to fill the prescription. What most likely happened is this: Mounjaro is currently only FDA approved for type 2 diabetes. Not weight loss. Insurance rarely covers Mounjaro anyway. Won’t cover it at all for weight loss. There is a manufacturer discount card that can bring it down to $25 (this has changed). In order to bill the discount card, it basically needs to be billed thru insurance first, then be rejected, then billed thru the discount card which would usually bring it to the $25. They changed this for the new cards. Because of auditing, it now only covers the prescription if there is a type 2 diagnosis on the prescription. It will not cover it without it. So what probably happened is that the pharmacist tried to contact the prescriber for a diagnosis when the discount card didn’t go through, the provider didn’t get back to them, so they’re asking the patient (which they can legally do!) if they are using it for weight loss or diabetes. If course, a chain retail pharmacy can fill it for cash, if you’re willing to pay over $1000 out of pocket for it. Which I doubt the patient being mentioned in this video wanted to do. I specify chain pharmacy btw, because an independent might out right refuse to fill it solely based on profit alone. What if they order in Mounjaro, which has a huge cost, and you say you’ll pick it up for cash, but you never do? Now that pharmacy is out major $$$. Not as big of a deal for chain pharmacies, but it can hurt an independent. At the end of the day though, it wasn’t a refusal to fill, it just wasn’t covered and the patient didn’t want it. I’m sure had this woman just called and asked the pharmacist would’ve told her that. 

I do have 1 final point though. I’d like to point out this woman is a NP- Nurse Practitioner- and NOT a doctor. I know a lot of people don’t know the difference between PA/NPs and actual doctors, but I can’t emphasize enough that while she can diagnose and treat, she did NOT go to an actual medical school a doctor went to. Looking at her profile, she works at a place called “Lotus Healthcare and Aesthetics”, which while they say they offer physicals and vaccinations… it seems to me they focus heavily on “beauty and aesthetics” such as spray tanning and lash extensions…. Ya know, real medically important shit. If you wanna learn more about this shit just look over at r/Noctor and you’ll see what I mean

I’m not shocked this woman doesn’t know shit about pharmacies. But she spreads a message that I have to deal with every day at work. Pharmacies, as a whole, are not your enemy. Drug manufacturers and insurance companies will cause most of your headaches. Corporations that overwork and underpay both the pharmacists and techs are also the problem too. (Look, I’m not saying there aren’t shit pharmacists and you can’t have a bad experience. I’ve met awful pharmacists and techs. But most people I’ve met truly care about their work and their patients).

[quantumhealingava]

dolores cannon notes:

♡︎ 'She came back into this lifetime with the plan of helping other people, to make up for her inability to help in that lifetime. Her present father had been one of the Nazi soldiers, the first to rape her. He had returned to repay the injustice by being her father, intending to raise and protect her. That had been the plan, but it apparently changed after he got here into the body. The subconscious said he got caught up in the ways of the flesh, and forgot his original purpose. This shows that even though the incoming soul has a good plan and noble intentions to repay karma, life has a way of affecting them, and being human is not that easy. On the other side it always looks easy, like it would be simple to accomplish. But the incoming soul forgets that, because this is a world of free will, it will have to contend with the free will of others, and the pressures of being human dealing with emotions. So he was caught up in it, and regrettably accumulated more karma. Both of these men are to be pitied rather than reviled.'

♡︎ 'A case of extreme depression and isolation from society (since childhood) was traced back through two former lifetimes. Although the man was born into a very large family (12 children), he never felt a closeness to any of them. There was always the feeling of isolation, and depression. This continued throughout his life: a feeling of apathy, of not caring, of being an observer on the outside looking in. He was treated by psychiatrists and put on medication for depression, but he didn’t think it did any good. Even natural remedies had no affect. One diagnosis called it “Freedom from harm” complex. In other words, to avoid being hurt, it was easier to shut down and not get involved with people or anything. It was a lonely existence, even his job gave him no satisfaction. Suicide only made things worse, because the law of karma says that you must repeat the same circumstances until you learn the lesson. And that certainly seemed true, as he tearfully said, “My life now is a repeat of that one. I didn’t escape from anything.” He thought the first woman that he was attracted to in this present life was the same woman from the other life, and she also rejected him. History was repeating itself.'

♡︎ 'He still thought about his lost love, and wanted to be with her again. He was told that love was what it was all about, but to experience the same relationship again would not advance him. He could be with her again, but in a different role capacity. That was what it was all about: switching and playing different parts, often with the same people. Thus we return again and again, switching back and forth in our role-playing in the next scenario. The important thing to remember was that we could never lose that love. Death cannot separate us. It is just placed in another form, but it is never lost. Love is the greatest lesson of all, no matter how many challenges it must go through. We are always reunited in one form or another. To understand love and experience it is the ultimate lesson. Once we understand this, we can have love and compassion for everyone, for we never know which role they have chosen to play this time around.'

♡︎ 'When the body dies, is there any pain associated with it when the spirit leaves?

A: No. It seems that the spirit leaves the body shortly before the physical body actually dies. I thought of sudden death in war. There seems to be great confusion. Also other sudden, “accidental” deaths. In old age and in illness, the spirit takes trips out in preparation.

Q: Many people have told me that when a baby is born, the spirit doesn’t remain in the body all the time. Is this correct? A: The spirit is aware of the time of conception, and it is possible for the spirit to “check in” on the progress of the fetus. It seems to enter at birth or shortly after. But because it is so connected to the spirit world, it does take “trips” to visit the familiar home. Sudden infant death seems to be when the spirit chooses to stay in the spirit world. Or perhaps stayed longer than the newly emerging physical body is able to operate on its own. It seems that we do need the force of the spirit in cooperation with the physical body in order to maintain physical life.'

♡︎ 'Q: Is there really much difference between meditation and prayer?

A: There is a large difference. “Prayer” is consciously directed energy. “Meditation” is being open to what comes in. Prayer is directing, not so much asking. Prayer means to consciously direct your thoughts which are your power.

Q: Then prayer is a real thing?

A: Prayer is definitely real, and it is definitely powerful.'

[nasatestpilot]

I always felt like I had an uncanny ability to get a good read on people the first time I meet them

My experience has proven to be mostly right so far

After the first day we talked I knew you were a genuinely good person

It's hard not to find genuinely good people attractive

Especially people that are hot, share the same values, and have some similar interests

I was aware of my own insecurities and how much I was hiding my true self around others

I was convinced no one would like me

I was still learning how to control all this rage inside me

I kept isolating myself, even from my family

I'd spend most of my time in a windowless room in a basement

The people who built the house made it soundproof since one of them was a musician

I used to listen to music and look up politics, history, geography, and sports, and other cultures

That led me to take a sociology class in high school

A cute girl in the class was a fellow leftie and was really into psychology

So naturally, I started to read up about it

When I ended up going to Indiana Tech for college, I didn't really plan on staying

I was pretty embarrassed, I thought I would go to a better school and enjoy being on my own

I realize now that I would have faced my mental health problems a lot sooner if I did that

Instead I chose psychology, since it was the only major that they had that sounded interesting to me

After the first year, I realized that if I kept going there, I could keep my 4.0 (or close to it) and go to any school I wanted for grad school

I felt safe with that and I decided to switch to a pre-law program that they just started

I thought I could just go to law school, study environmental law, and do some good there and make decent money

After a year of that, I looked into law schools more and realized pre-law wasn't a major anywhere else and that I would be better off studying whatever I liked

So I went back to psychology

I'm so glad I did

I got to learn about every facet or psychology, including therapy skills and practicing using CBT

I learned that I could trust the behavioral health system even though it was imperfect

I learned that psych meds are a bit of a guessing game

I learned that it was easy to be misdiagnosed

I don't know if I would be here today if I didn't choose this path

I also know that back when I knew you, I wasn't in a good place to be in a relationship

I knew that I would have trouble feeling secure and would have difficulty being vulnerable

I knew that I could hurt you with my words

So I chose to keep my distance

You didn't really reach out, so that made it easy

That was until I took a medical leave from grad school

I was fortunate that I was able to live with my parents who supported me

They let me rest and work on bettering myself

After I got my bipolar diagnosis I jumped the gun

I thought by having the right diagnosis and being on a mediation to treat it, I was already better

That's when I started to reach out more

I decided that it was time for me to reconnect with the world

It's why I reached out to you to grab coffee

But when it came time for me to have fun with a new group of people who were already established friends, I felt the need to isolate

I realized I didn't feel safe to be myself yet

I let my thoughts torment me

I remembered that whenever I was with a group of people who already had a friend group, that I could be left behind

And if I was left behind, I was worthless

The pack would reject me and I would need to survive on my own

I then chose to do the thing I so badly wanted to prevent

My ears were back, my teeth were showing

As my mind raced, I chose to type hurtful words

Intending for them to hurt

All my life I intended to be the person who would burn seems as they frayed

Instead I burned the half of the bridge I chose to make

I chose to push you away

And I regretted it ever since I did it

I can't ask for forgiveness and the thought to even ask is incredibly selfish

I can't force an apology in you

Maybe I'm arrogant and this didn't affect you so an apology is not needed and it's weird that I let this affect me so much

Maybe you just needed time and you're at peace with it

Maybe you haven't revisited it

Maybe you think about it from time to time

I hope you're not hurt by it anymore

The possibility of that leaves me feeling shameful

We weren't that close, but I know I still destroyed whatever trust had for me

That you couldn't feel safe around me

As much as I think being able to talk to you every now and then would be an improvement for my life

I understand that I might have lost the privilege of being some part of yours

And if I did, that's ok

You'll never have to hear from me or see me again

As I'm writing this, I know I may never get an answer

I accept and respect that

I'm sorry I fucked up the chance to do share this life with you as part of it in someway that benefits us both

I'm not in the mindset that I can't do anything about it anymore

I know I can continue to go to therapy and take my meds; I can coach high schoolers not only how to play lacrosse well, but to know they are safe and can express themselves through sports without the toxic masculinity; I can continue to work at a job where I can help connect people and make sure behavioral health services can keep providing care to the most vulnerable in the community

And above all, I know that I can be patient and wait

Even if I have to take these words to the grave

I think the best way to make it up to you is to let you be

And all I can hope for is that you feel safe and happy more often than not

It's hard for me to admit, but I feel some guilt that I am so happy now

That a lot of things I worked for happened to work out

I have an amazing partner who is everything I want and need, a great job, and hobbies that I enjoy

All based on connections with people

The same connections I had such a hard time making before

I'd say I'm living the dream and don't want to wake up, but that's not true

I put a lot of conscious effort into this

I don't know how it all happened so quickly and there's a part of me that feels scared I will fuck this up

And that often leads to me thinking about how I treated you the last night we spoke

I went from someone you got excited to see to someone that cussed you out when you did nothing to deserve that

I'm sorry I made this about me

I want to share because you helped me get here

I just wish you could see me now

I think I would make you proud

[autisticbee]

coming to terms with having faced/is facing mental+emotional abuse can be so difficult. I've spent so much time wondering if I'm exaggerating it or making it up in my head or maybe that's just how parents are supposed to be, how would I know any different?

My mother fought for my autism diagnosis, she buys me things, sometimes we get along and laugh and smile with each other. And in those moments I wonder if I'm being ungrateful, if I'm wrong

And then she'll flip on me over something small, turn something into a argument for the millionth time & then blame me saying I'm the one who did it, she'll leave me in tears & won't care & yet if anything I say/upsets her she'll go on about how I never show anything towards her (I've told her many times, that I express my feelings in things such as sharing my special interests, that when I want her to watch a episode of my fave thing or listen to me ramble about something, that's my way of connecting. she doesn't care. & Yet I have to listen to her describe every detail of whatever show she watches, knowing I won't get the same consideration.). She guilt trips me because I don't hug her & don't like touch, even though I've explained how it physically hurts me to do

She tells me she'll die one day because of me, and that she hopes she does. she's legally my carer but if I rely on her as such then I'm selfish, lazy

She took me out of school when I was nine years old, she acts as though this was for my benefit. My favorite teacher left and they didn't give the proper one on one time to me. She becomes my teacher, except there are many things she doesn't know. I learn to finally tell the time but I don't make much progress in math. To this day I don't understand it beyond basic times tables. I feel I missed out, that most people understand something I never can.

When was younger, under 12, I wanted to be friends with the kids who lived in my area. I was bullied, in a way I didn't really grasp at the time. When the kids told me to wait outside for them and that I'd be back soon I believed them, as I stood out there for ages. When I was in the backyard of my so-called friends at the time, one of them pulled a carving knife on me. He chased me around the garden and I thought I was going to die, his mother stood in the doorway and told me he wouldn't hurt me with it.

When I talk about the impact these things on me, how it hurt to be socially rejected & how lonely it was to not really have any friends (up until I met my best friend, lex ily 🫶🏻), my mother blames me. She says it's because my voice is monotone, that I never 'gave' anything because I never wanted to be the leader. She says it's better I ended up with one good friend, dismisses how I felt in the past despite how that played a part in me feeling suicidal at eleven years old

I don't really have a end point to this. I just think I needed to get it off my chest. I'm tired of waking up & feeling in a good mood only to have it completely destroyed by my mother not long after. I'm so tired of never knowing what will make her angry. I hate being in this house. When I briefly leave to pop to the shops I feel at ease. I wish I could leave. I wish I wasn't reliant on her as a disabled person.

It sounds awful, but some days I long for the day she dies. I know my life will be turned upside down. I know I will feel mournful as well as relieved. I know I will lose my entire blood 'family' because the moment she's gone I will live as who I really am, and they'll cut me off. And yet... nothing keeps going more, than the hope of one day being able to openly live as myself, away from this religious cult & away from all these people I can't stand but am forced to put up with because of blood ties

I hope my future will be better

[dex-starr]

god am I feeling miserable hahaha

fucking hilarious.

I got the guitar I’ve been drooling about, but I can’t find absolute joy in playing it. I’m probably getting a decent job. Maybe a car eventually? 2 of these 3 things I can hardly give a fuck for. I’m getting my mental health together -- slowly because it’s only so much in my hands right now and I can only control what I can control -- brain chemistry I kinda need the tools for that. 

Yet I don’t have you in my life and I haven’t had you in my life and I’ve definitely let people know of the void of that and how I feel about it -- but they don’t quite get it. I don’t have you, don’t have your heart anymore, don’t even have your presence as a friend either. I didn’t not want these things, I didn’t not want it all nor you. I wish I could’ve explained it all and not did the things I did, I wish I could’ve actually sought treatment and a diagnosis instead of being scared. I wish I took care of my health bc these are all things I needed to do in order to actually end up with you. And not for you, for my sake because I didn’t want those things to affect or hurt you.

I don’t even know if having you back in my life in some form would fix this state I’m in. What do I do? What do I say? Haven’t I said everything? Isn’t there no part of me that isn’t left to bare? I said all of my feelings even the not so great ones, fuck I even let myself get actually angry at things but my mind didn’t change on what I think about you. On what I feel about you though? Jury’s out to town on that bc I very much know it could be that I’m just trying to go back to something safe despite everything that happened. Every little unhealthy thing that we both unfortunately did. I did love you, with all my heart. I think I do love you but I can’t tell you if it’s the same way that I once did unless I actually talk to you and we get somewhere with our conversation finally. And if I don’t -- I don’t and that would suck but y’know at least we tried and I just want you happy.

I just like... the reason I need to talk to you is partially because I need to know why even though I know the why. But I need to hear it from you, why you chose to go the route that you did and say what you said did what you did. Try to impress someone who I could tell you wouldn’t reciprocate. Like did you do it just because they were there and you needed to move on from me? Or did you do it just to hurt me and get even with the sleight you felt against you? Like I just think about it and never in a thousand years, what I didn’t tell you was an issue I had with myself and my past actions that I told myself I would move forward from because I was mistaken and knew better now. I just... why? Why did you do all that? I would’ve really done anything, I was just a mess of a person at that time because of everything going on and that went on.

But god I really would’ve done anything just to make you happy

and that’s the part that I can recognize is maybe the correct option or extremely unhealthy.

It’s not like I didn’t think about these things. I do. All the time. I have fucking severe depression and ADHD that’s unmedicated as fuck. I ruminate even when I don’t want to. I ruminate about the stupidest things, the slightest change in behavior bc I think I’ll have done something wrong. These things have made me feel like I can only do wrong, which is why I just have a hard time when I actually do wrong bc I attributed way more than you thought to it. Side-tracking aside... like I thought in every way shape or form what I could do. But the only conclusion I came to was that it depended on what you wanted to do. If you didn’t want me around and if that made you happier then so-be-it, that’s what I want you to have a part of/place in the world that actually makes you happy. If I can’t do that then I am a problem, as tough as it is to say it. I always accept that responsibility, as much as I hate being told that I’m doing bad. (Thanks Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria).

The thing is with all this ruminating I think I did move on in some ways but in other ways I cannot, I don’t really understand why because I’ve come to the logical conclusions on it. I’m not having some kind of false hope -- some kind of delusion that a storybook romance will happen, even though I am a stupid ass dumbass hopeless romantic at heart. I know very well what reality is, I know very well what my part was in things failing -- as much as I want to shoulder all the blame... I can’t. Believe me, I do want to shoulder it all. I told myself I would carry the burden of everything if it fell apart. But realistically I don’t think I can. It’s eating away at me.

It all leads back to why did you do all that and was there really no way we could’ve actually made it work?

Maybe so, I don’t know why I’m asking that question like... I’m not going to claim to know the answer but like fuck I don’t know dude. I’m just confused, I don’t know what to even say. If I was able to talk to you I don’t know if I would be able to speak without like gathering my thoughts beforehand because this emotion stuff just overwhelms my stupid adhd brain.

It would all be so simple if it was all procedural but life isn’t like that and I get that. But fuck man I really am trying here when does it get better????

[nagichi-boop]

My thoughts on “you can’t be loved by someone if you don’t love yourself”

I made this post a few days ago asking what people thought about the quote “you can’t be loved by someone if you don’t love yourself”. I’ve had a few days to think about it and read the responses to it, but I think I’m ready to add my two cents into the mix.

This post is quite long, but I felt that I wanted to share my opinions as thoroughly as possible. I talk about the negative connotations the quote has towards those who are neurodivergent/mentally ill, my own experience and some examples from an anime that I like that I think holds important lessons about self love. If you don’t want to read this post, that’s absolutely fine. You can also just read certain parts if you’d like. Or you can save this later and read it in chunks if it’s too much in one go.

(I’ve decided for simplicity to add some headings btw, just to make reading the post easier hopefully. And apologies in advanced for any spelling/grammar mistakes! I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to get out.)

“Defending” the quote

In my mind, I think the quote has a truth to it, but the way it is phrased isn’t correct. I think what the quote means is that if you don’t love yourself and are consumed by self loathing, you may not be able to accept love if it’s given to you by someone, either because you are too afraid to let them in or you don’t believe what they say to be true.

While I do agree that having a low self esteem makes it hard to accept love from others, I don’t think that the idea that you can’t be loved unless you love yourself unfortunately has a sinister undertone when it comes to those who are mentally ill or neurodivergent. I also think that sometimes it takes someone else loving you first to help show you what is lovable about yourself. (Skip to the ‘rice ball analogy’ subheading where I explain this idea in more detail.)

I’m now going to use a hypothetical that may be relatable to some to illustrate why this maybe isn’t the best quote.

Hypothetical to illustrate the danger of using this quote

So in this hypothetical, we will focus on someone who is autistic, diagnosed or undiagnosed. They grow up their whole lives being treated by their peers as an outcast, perhaps being called “weird” or “different”, or maybe they just don’t get invited out. They often say that repetition helps you to learn, right? Well, through repeated neglect and social isolation, this person begins to feel like they are a failure, that they are unlovable.

Whether people around them are hurting and neglecting them on purpose or by accident, the effect is still the same. The person is lonely and isolated, so of course after being rejected so many times they’d be led to believe that they are not worthy of love, that something is wrong. Why else would people refuse to be with them, to be their friend?

Now imagine this person finds the courage to open up to someone. They relate how they hate themselves, that no one seems to like them because they are weird. That because of how they are, they are unlovable. And if they know about their autism diagnosis, perhaps they blame their problems on that, suggesting that because of their autism, they were doomed to fail in relationships. Now imagine the other person tells them that no one will love them until they love themselves. How do you think the autistic person would feel? Happy? Relived? Motivated? Of course not! Because the other person just reestablished the faulty belief that because of how this person is, they cannot be loved.

Personal experience

I know for me personally I felt like that hypothetical person. I have grown up feeling like an outcast, treated as weird by those who I considered to be friends. It’s only after being alive for almost 21 years that I think I have found some irl friends who truly love me, who care about me. But that wasn’t because I suddenly learned self love. Actually, I’m arguably going through a rough patch with my mental health right now. And yet despite that, I have two wonderful friends who say that they are lucky to have me as a friend, who love me and are afraid to lose me as a friend. But those feelings of self hatred have not gone away. They are still very much here. I often question what could possibly make my friends care about me and value me so much. But regardless of how I feel about myself, they can see the good qualities in me and love me for it. Which leads me to…

Using an anime to explain my point

The anime I would like to talk about is called Fruits Basket. Maybe you have heard of it, maybe you have scene it or maybe you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, but please bear with me. I’ll be talking about a few scenes from the anime to illustrate my points. I’ll be referring to the newer (2019) version of the anime for this.

The first I’d like to highlight is one from the third episode. Tohru, the main character, uses an illustration of a onigiri/rice ball to explain a point she is making to her friend, Kyo. A rice ball for those who don’t know is this 🍙. I couldn’t find the whole clip on YouTube, but if you click here you can watch a portion of it. I’ll also be explaining it here, so you don’t have to watch the clip to get my point.

Rice balls analogy

In this scene, Tohru likens people to a rice ball with a plum on their back. She says that everyone has a plum on their back, or in other words, everyone has amazing qualities. But because the plum is on their back, they can’t see it, so they may assume that they don’t have said good qualities. But everyone else can see the plum, so it’s easy for them to see the good things about people that the person themselves cannot see.

I think this is especially true of people with trauma, mental illness and/or are neurodivergent. We often can’t really see the good things about ourselves and therefore assume they aren’t there, which can make it difficult to love ourselves. But other people can see our good qualities very easily. Sometimes it takes someone else loving you and telling you about your good qualities for you to begin to see yourself in a positive way.

“Learn to love yourself”

The next scene I’d like to discuss is a scene from episode 18. Unfortunately I couldn’t really find a clip of it on YouTube, so I will do my best to explain it here.

A girl named Kisa was bullied incessantly at school, resulting in her no longer attending and also losing her ability to speak. She then receives a letter from her teacher that Yuki, one of her relatives and a main character of the show, reads aloud. Bearing in mind Yuki also endured a great deal of trauma and so can relate to Kisa to a degree, Yuki expresses his confusion and frustration to the teachers wording, namely that it asks Kisa to “learn to love” herself. He rhetorically asks how it is that people can find things to love about themselves when the whole reason they hate themselves is because they can only see the things they hate, so finding good things about yourself “feels hollow, like we’re making things up.” He then says that it’s only when someone says and shows that they love you that you are able to start loving yourself, that it’s when someone accepts you that you are able to start forgiving and loving yourself.

I think this couples well with Tohru’s analogy of the rice ball. Both illustrate how difficult is it for someone who already has a negative view of themselves to find good qualities in themselves, either because they just cannot think of anything or anything they do think it feels like an exaggeration or a lie. But again, when someone else finds those good qualities and draws them out, as well as accepting the darker parts of you, that’s when such a person may start to accept themselves and love themselves more.

Kyo’s confession (spoilers)

The final clip I want to share goes back to my point about how it’s not a matter of whether or not you love yourself determining whether someone can love you, but rather whether your self hatred stops you from allowing others in. Once again, I couldn’t find a full clip, but here’s an Instagram post with the main part I wanted to share and I will provide context for the rest.

So to boil this scene down to the basics, Kyo discovers that Tohru has feelings for him. Despite reciprocating said feelings, Kyo decides to try pushing Tohru away, expressing how he blames himself for her mother’s death. To put it shortly, he saw that Tohru’s mother was going to be hit by a car, but for reasons that only make sense if you’re away of the anime’s plot, he hesitates and her mother ends up dying. He misinterprets her final words “I won’t forgive you” to mean that her mother blames him for her death (when in actuality her mother was trying to say “I won’t forgive you if you leave my daughter alone”), but he carries this guilt with him from then on.

After confessing this to Tohru, she expresses that she cannot believe her mother would say that, but if she did, she has to “rebel against her mother” so to speak because she loves Kyo anyway. Instead of being flattered and happy by this, Kyo expresses he is disappointed in Tohru.

This would be an example of someone who loathes themselves and shuts people off because of it. Kyo hated himself so much and carried such a heavy load of trauma with him that he could not accept another person’s love.

A further scene elaborates on what Kyo decides to do next however, which you can watch by clicking here. Yuki, mentioned earlier, gets upset with Kyo and tells him that he’s not a superhero that is supposed to be perfect. Kyo replies that he can’t protect Tohru, but Yuki says that he already has been doing that, once again showing that it’s easier to find the good in someone else than it is to see in yourself. He visits his abusive father and says that he wasn’t going to throw himself away anymore, that as long as he was alive he would keep trying to live.

He then comes to realise that he had been neglecting Tohru’s feelings and realises that this isn’t what he wanted, and so he apologises to Tohru and asks for a second chance. Ofc in romance anime style they get today, but in a scene in a further episode, Kyo talks about how he would do her best to make Tohru’s mother proud and protect Tohru.

Kyo recognised that his own self loathing was getting in the way of his and Tohru’s happiness. His trauma and hatred did not go away when he and Tohru got together, but his attitude did. Instead of trying to run away, he decided to confront his issues and work on getting better. And to begin with, it was only through Tohru that Kyo had become a better person throughout the series.

Conclusion

Hopefully I’ve been able to explain myself well enough in my post. I know it was a long one, but I feel like the notion of “you can’t be loved by someone if you don’t love yourself” is half true at best and toxic positivity at worse. Yes, self hatred can cause someone to reject someone’s feelings of love and it may even turn some people away from you. But people who truly love and care about you will love you despite your flaws, despite how you may feel about yourself. And they may even be the very people who draws that person out and helps them to begin to see the good in themselves. Maybe they won’t ever truly love themselves, but through someone else’s love they may come to accept themselves.

Thank you for reading. :)

[discyours]

I’m starting to think I’m not only autistic but too autistic to be capable of understanding why.

I initially rejected my diagnosis because I didn’t relate to it at all. It was hurtful being told how I felt. Being forced into a routine that only made me anxious because people like me benefit from it. Any disagreement was written off as rigid thinking. The very second I got my diagnosis all of my emotions became the result of having a brain that just can’t process things properly, I went from having my emotions dismissed because I was a 13 year old girl to having my emotions dismissed because I was no longer seen as even being capable of having normal human emotions for normal human reasons.

It felt sexist too. I was kidnapped. Taken from my bedroom by two grown men threatening me with a syringe. Brought to a locked facility. Of course I was cold with staff. Of course sitting there not eating, not speaking was the only way I could think of to assert some control over my body. It felt like a punishment. The way I was acting wasn’t unnatural or illogical but it was undesirable, so they had to pathologise it.

The psychiatrist said I had black and white thinking, which he reiterated when I said I didn’t relate to the diagnosis. I had some weird habits with food and cleanliness. It’d take several more years for anyone to recognise that I had OCD or anorexia. He noted that I didn’t seem to struggle to identify other people’s emotions at all, but then he brought up my IQ test from a few years earlier. I wondered if boys ever got diagnosed with autism for being smart, stubborn, and not smiling enough at the people holding them captive.

I’m in my 20s now and it’s only just starting to sink in that he wasn’t wrong. That it was autistic of me to be able to reject the diagnosis for this long. That rejecting social expectations, even if only enough to be cold with the people who are holding you against your will, was autistic of me. But that naively going along with what other people expect of you (which is the kind of thing that gets you raped, which is the kind of thing that gives you CPTSD, which is the kind of thing that makes it very hard to tell if you’re autistic or just “damaged”) is also autistic. And it’s sinking in but I still struggle to understand. It just feels like no matter what I do, I’ll always do it wrong. Is that what it comes down to? How do you accept that without hating yourself?

Everything I hear about autism is from late-diagnosed high-masking people whose message revolves around the fact that just because their extensive social circle can’t tell, and just because they graduated university, and just because they hold a full time job does not mean that they are high functioning. How do I relate to that as a person who’s permanently disabled, can’t make friends, can’t finish a high school education, and somehow still took this long after a professional diagnosis to even recognise that I’m autistic? Other people not recognising that there is something wrong with me has never been my problem. I feel so fucking stupid.

[princesssmismi]

being the girl nobody wants

Growing up, I never really had crushes on boys from my real life. Always had crushes on people I saw on tv or in movies. I always thought boys from my school were immature and uninteresting. Never even considered that anyone could have a crush on me. And somehow, as a 20 year old, I still don’t believe that anyone would be interested in me. However, growing up, I always thought that I would just come with time. But, no. I sat on the sidelines watching my girlfriends get boyfriends. Always having someone they were chatting with online. Always having someone be interested in them. I have never been the type of girl who needed a boy's validation, who needed to have someone to talk to all the time. I was fine on my own. Though I was being independent and shit. Never “needing” anyone. Thought that all I needed was myself. As long as I was confident, I was fine. However, I always felt weird, like an outcast. Even as I got older, boys would only talk to me to get closer to my friends. I blamed myself for having high standards and knowing what I wanted. I still do. How can I have high standards and still feel sad that nobody wants me?

Truth be told, in the last few years, I never imagined making it to 20. Couldn’t see myself finishing school and getting a job. Finding love. It was always a dream, yes, but as I battled depression following my t1d diagnosis, it felt further and further from reality. I used to have a good idea of what my future would look like. Had a few job ideas and plans to travel. But now, I'm completely blank. No wish to get a degree or a certain profession. No idea what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm just floating through life with no motivation whatsoever.

I have always been a dreamer. Watching disney movies about love and the whole living happily ever after shit. Always planned my wedding in my head. But now, I fear that I will never be enough for someone. Never getting married, never having kids. That is one of my biggest fears. I want it so bad.

It’s a terrible feeling. The feeling of being unwanted. The feeling of not being good enough for anyone. I often blame myself. Wishing I could just be more outgoing, more fun, more myself around new people. But I shut everybody out in fear of being hurt. Was deemed “mysterious” and the person no one really knew. Sure, they would know the basics, but nothing more than that. I have always been afraid of being too much. Too loud or annoying. Afraid of taking up too much space and sharing too much. Afraid of someone knowing me and being put off. Rejection scares the shit out of me. Scared of the feeling of being unwanted. It’s a feeling I’m afraid I will always feel. Scared I can’t just get my shit together and feel sorry for myself. It’s so easy yet so fucking hard.

I’ve never thought of myself as the main character. I want to be, and maybe it's just a silly mindset, but it’s difficult to imagine a feeling that you’ve never felt.

I don’t know if I believe in true love. I’ve never felt it. Am I broken? I often wonder if I will ever be wanted by someone. Some might think, “you’re only 20, you have so much time”, but i'm starting to think my time will never come. I keep trying to convince myself that the timing just isn’t right, that I have to love myself to be loved by someone else. But will I ever love myself? I don’t see a future for myself, at least not a good one. How long can I take feeling like this? I’m not sure. I just want to feel loved. Having someone remember my favourite icecream flavour and send me a message to wish me happy birthday. I just want the little things. But somehow, it makes me feel so fucking guilty to want something that seem so small and normal. Like I don’t really deserve it. Like, compared to everyone else's life, mine has been good. Or somewhat good. I’m not sure anymore to be honest with you.

I know relationships are a two-way street, but feel like a burden everytime I reach out to people. It’s my own fault, I know. Wanting love, but still not doing the most to get it. I’m just tired of this lonely feeling, and I know I have no one else to blame but myself.

[citrineghost]

On ADHD, Being Dramatic, and Being Lazy

Gather round everyone. It’s time for our every-few-monthsly post on ADHD by your local ADHD ghost. In this episode, we’re talking about ADHD and how it relates to “being dramatic” and “being lazy.”

On Being Dramatic

No doubt a lot of you have been told you’re being dramatic over the years. I know I have. There are a lot of reasons one might be dramatic, but they’re rarely about the drama.

If I’m to guess the origin of the word dramatic, I’d guess it probably has something to do with over exaggerating your response for the drama. I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of people being dramatic - on tiktok and vine, on youtube... drama calls for dramaticism.

Do you want to know what isn’t dramatic? Genuine reactions. That’s right - genuine reactions, inherently, cannot be categorized as dramatic or hyperbolic. There is nothing about them that is being overdone with the intention of getting attention or entertaining other people. So, let’s talk a bit about how this conflation has hurt us as a community.

Growing up, everything I did was “dramatic.” Crying because I didn’t want to do more chores was dramatic. Having a panic attack because there was a spider in the room was dramatic. Freaking out because I needed people to stop touching me was dramatic. Getting angry when my mother made jokes about my sex life as a teen was dramatic (and apparently abusive, but that’s neither here nor there). Nothing I did that involved a noteworthy amount of emotion was anything, if not dramatic.

On Being Lazy

I know a lot of you have also been labeled as lazy over the years. “Lazy” is the diagnosis everyone loves to give to those who don’t do enough, in their eyes. If you “could have” done something and then “chose not to,” you’re lazy... right?

Growing up, I was lazy too. I was lazy for avoiding housework. I was lazy for not wanting to brush my teeth. I was lazy because I didn’t turn in my homework. I was lazy for staying in bed, on my computer, most of the day.

If I’d only just “applied myself,” or if I would just “put in the work,” then I would be respectable to the people around me. But, because I wasn’t “willing” to put in the time and effort, I was lazy.

Why Is Emotion Dramatic?

The short answer is: it’s not. The real question is, why do people seem to perceive emotion as being dramatic? These are real emotions, after all - real and genuine feelings that are being dismissed as playacting. There are a number of reasons.

Why Are We Lazy?

Again, the short answer is: most people aren’t. The question here is, why do people see others not doing something and assume it’s because they simply don’t want to put in the work? Why do they not seek out an explanation or consider other alternatives? There are a number of reasons for that too.

The Answer...

Editing to put a Read More here because it’s very long

(TW for each of these sections in their name)

1. Sexism

At its core, seeing emotional outbursts or responses as dramatic is inherently rooted in sexism. Whether you’re a boy or a girl, man or woman, if your emotions are being mocked, it’s almost definitely because of our world’s history of sexism and relating emotion to women, who are “illogical” and “just want attention.”

And “real men” work! They work hard! They work long hours! They put themselves into an early grave, with pride, by never sitting down to rest! For this very reason, women, housewives of decades past, were expected, after a long day of doing housework and caring for the children - things that are just as exhausting as a full time job - to dote on their husbands who had just returned from work expecting a hot meal and a beer to be ready for them. Her work is devalued. It wasn’t grueling or tiring or important. It was just “women’s work.” A wife who does all of the housework and child rearing and fails to provide a hot meal and a warm body to her husband is “lazy.”

This is further shown to affect men as well. We can see, as early as non-manual labor-based jobs existed, the men who took them were lesser. Men who work at computers are seen as nerds and geeks - weak. Men who work in universities, coming up with new solutions to our medical needs and discovering the mathematics we need for space travel and advanced technology - they’re weak too. They’re unimportant to society because they’re not willing to get their hands dirty. Those men who prefer artistry are called gay and seen as disposable. It is irrelevant to the conservative man that his artistic counterpart designs everything that fills his home and office - that without artists we would have nothing.

2. Racism and classism

You might be surprised, but racism and classism both have their hands in this as well. I’m talking full on systemic oppression. The ability for people in power to look down on those they see as beneath them for being emotional or passionate about a topic or incident is all about power. You can see a million examples of this today. POC are called dramatic or are implied to be blowing things out of proportion by conservative white people because they want equal rights and feel they’re being treated unfairly. Their emotions are dismissed as irrational and dramatic. 

The cries of the poor, whether white or of color, are mocked. They have no reason to be having the emotions they’re having because they wouldn’t be in the position they’re in if they weren’t “lazy.” After all, only lazy people don’t have money. Only lazy people can’t get work. If they had just “applied themselves,” they would have an income, a home, and ample food on the table.

3. Ableism

And, last but not least, we have ableism. The neurotypical and abled people of the world, at large, cannot understand the experiences of the disabled, both emotionally(those with mental illnesses, disorders, and so on(whether or not certain disorders can be categorized as a disability in a just society is another topic entirely, but they are regarded that way, generally)) and physically.

If you have sensory overload, you are being irrational. It doesn’t matter to a NT if this is caused by an actually chemically different response in your brain. It doesn’t matter if it’s Real To You. To them, it doesn’t make sense, and so you deserve no compassion for your experience. Your emotional response is dramatic.

If you have executive dysfunction, you are simply choosing not to do your work. It doesn’t matter that there is an actual reason, buried in you somewhere, for why you have become Stuck. It doesn’t matter if you feel crippled by this aspect of your life. They see that you have neglected to do something they deem easy. Therefore, you are “lazy.”

ADHD and Being Dramatic

For those of us with ADHD, being called dramatic is a very familiar experience. After a while, we begin to internalize it. We must be dramatic, right? After all, so many different people have told us we are - and for good reason. We do tend to get overly emotional.

So the question is, why? Why do we get overly emotional? Why are our emotions so much different than those of our NT peers?

1. Lack of Emotional Regulation

A big part of ADHD, which is not yet a diagnostic criteria, is our emotional disregulation. ADHD, inherently, comes with some amount of disregulation in our emotions. We have a hard time controlling the emotions that we feel and managing the intensity of them. They may come across as overly intense, or they may seem subdued, both for reasons we can’t possibly figure out as individuals. This disregulation is entirely out of our control, happening at a neurological level. Our brain chemicals don’t work as they should. But, no matter how unregulated our emotions are, they are still real. We do still feel them, exactly as intensely as we think we do. Disregulated does not mean made up.

2. RSD

If you knew about RSD before, or you’ve read my last post on ADHD (under my tag adhdghost), which has gained some popularity, you already know what this means. For those who don’t, RSD is short for Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. This condition plagues something like 99.9% of people with ADHD (while not being ADHD exclusive.) It comes with the lack of emotional regulation and means we have a reaction, that seems out of proportion (or “dramatic”), relative to the thing that caused it.

In short, RSD episodes can look like an entire breakdown, a very sudden loss of any self esteem or confidence, the feeling that you are certain someone now hates you or has secretly always hated you, and/or an immediate need to get rid of the thing that caused it. These episodes are caused by any kind of perceived failure or disappointment. They can be caused by someone whose opinion or relationship we value who gives us a slightly judgmental look, someone saying they don’t understand why we like the thing we’re interested in, or even not living up to our own expectations. These episodes frequently lead to emotional outburts, episodes, breakdowns, and tears. Naturally, all of this is “dramatic,” despite it being very real and painful for those experiencing it.

3. Combination with Other Things

Emotional disregulation can interact with other parts of our lives as well. For instance, I have a lot of phobias. My reactions to seeing or being around the things that terrify me can be even more intense than how most people react to their phobias. They can cause anxiety attacks, emotional breakdowns, and lasting fear for hours or days after. My recovery from these instances is hindered by my inability to regulate the feelings they caused.

Emotional disregulation can also interact with triggers, trauma, sensory problems, etc.

ADHD and Being Lazy

And of course, if you struggle with ADHD, you want to know, “Why am I so lazy?” The answer is: you’re not! Laziness is a made up word. Laziness was created to pass blame onto people who struggle to do things that more typical people can accomplish with ease.

So, what is the reason we struggle to do these seemingly simple tasks?

1. Executive Dysfunction

This is The Big One. Of all the things that can cause an inability to do things, executive dysfunction is the Achilles heel of ADHD. Because ADHD causes a difficulty with prioritizing, rewarding actions with no immediate reward, and creating a list of steps for us to take (something that comes naturally to NT people), we sometimes get “Stuck.”

This feeling of being stuck may look like us just having fun and avoiding our responsibilities. You may be Stuck right now, scrolling through tumblr mechanically even though you’ve been needing to pee for three hours. Naturally, you’ve been wanting to go to the bathroom... you just don’t know how.

To a NT, this sounds ridiculous. “Just get up and go?!” I’m sure you can imagine your parents saying, when they simply don’t understand. The truth is, tumblr can be a nightmare for executive function. It endlessly scrolls, giving you post after post. There’s no natural stopping point. You keep an eye out for a natural end to this activity, but it’s hard to find the right post to stop on. If you find those, “This is your sign to go to bed,” posts helpful - otherwise locked into the activity of scrolling regardless of whether you want to - you might be struggling with executive dysfunction.

This inability to “queue” our actions or prioritize what we need to do, and in what order, can wreak all kinds of havoc in our lives. You remember you didn’t really understand that equation the math teacher explained earlier. You know today’s homework is related to its use. Therefore, you cannot start your homework. There are a number of possible solutions floating around your head. Maybe the book will explain it better. Maybe your parents know how to do this and you could ask them. Maybe you could Google it. It’s possible the homework is about something else. But, if it is, what if you don’t understand that? Maybe you should ask your teacher before class?

Even though you have all of these solutions in your head, because you don’t know which solution is the best solution, you find yourself unable to do any of them. You show up to class with no homework and your teacher gives you a disappointed look. “I don’t understand why you don’t just apply yourself more. You’re a very smart student.” The remark brings you to holding back tears, because you want, with every fiber of your being, to apply yourself and make your teacher proud, but you simply don’t know how.

This is the destructive nature of executive dysfunction, and it is not something to be taken lightly.

2. Distraction

For those with ADHD, the inability to regulate external stimuli makes focusing incredibly hard. You wake up one morning and plan to start that English paper after breakfast. You go to get yourself some cereal. You’re out of milk. You decide to make toast instead. You burn your toast because you lost track of time for just 30 seconds. You go to throw it away, feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt over the two pieces of bread you wasted. The trash is overflowing. You decide to take it outside. It’s a really nice day out. Maybe you should take your dog for a walk. You haven’t taken her on a walk in a while and you’re just now feeling motivated to, so you should take advantage of that. You go to retrieve your dog and take her for a walk. When you bring her back in, you go to get her treats from the shelf in the laundry room. Oh yeah, you’d been meaning to do laundry. You go to get your laundry hamper from your room and notice there’s a bunch of laundry on the floor. You begin picking up the laundry from the floor. You may as well tidy up the other things on the floor as well. You finally get around to taking your laundry to the washer. You’re out of soap. Maybe you ought to make a run to the grocery store. You take ten minutes to find your keys and wallet and then head out to the grocery store. When you get there, you’ve forgotten what it was you needed. “Oh, right! I’m out of milk!” You go and retrieve milk. When you get to the checkout and the cashier rings you up, you suddenly remember you need laundry soap. Well, it’s too late now. You’ll have to do laundry tomorrow. You can’t risk the cashier giving you a tired look by asking them to wait. You go home and make some cereal. You can’t really write while you eat, so you open tumblr. you scroll through tumblr for a while. Your cereal gets soggy, you notice, disappointed. You see a tumblr post reminding you that you forgot to order something important online that you need to get here as soon as possible. The day continues in this way until you finally realize at 5pm that you never started your paper. “It’s so late now... I’ll just start it tomorrow morning,” you tell yourself. Rinse and repeat.

If you relate to this, you might want to consider researching ADHD a bit, because this is a very typical ADHD experience.

3. Hyperfixation and Hyperfocus

The last prominent reason why people with ADHD are seen as lazy has to do with a cycle in hyperfixation and hyperfocus.

If you don’t already know, hyperfixations are those interests you have that fill you with an overwhelming love and which take up an incredible amount of your time, energy, and brain space. These could be fandoms, hobbies, characters, games, or otherwise.

Hyperfocus, on the other hand, can be related to hyperfixations or things that aren’t hyperfixations. Hyperfocus is when you get “locked in” on a task and can’t seem to put it down. If you started this post not knowing how long it was and find yourself still raptly reading, completely ignoring the world around you, you may have hyperfocused on it. If you ever start cleaning and just can’t stop until the whole house is clean, despite your lack of regularly cleaning for over a month, you are hyperfocusing on cleaning. If you write a 20k word fic in one night, you are hyperfocusing.

Hyperfocusing can leave you completely unaware of the world around you, causing you to neglect your own basic needs, such as food, bathroom breaks, water, and social interaction. 

Because people with ADHD are able to occasionally apply themselves to such an extreme degree, NT people don’t understand why ADHD people are unable to apply themselves to other things as well. The reason we can’t is because we do not regulate our hyperfocus. Hyperfocus comes from tasks that are giving us serotonin, to make up for our brains inability to give serotonin in the way it should - in the way NT brains do. Emptying the dishwasher just felt really good. The next thing you know, you’re filling it with more dishes and wiping off counters and sweeping the floor and, “oh god, it looks so nice what if I just-” and then you move on to the laundry and the living room and the bedroom and then somehow 6 hours have passed. You don’t know how it happened, but now your house is clean and you feel amazing... but also tired and hungry. So you go make some food and then pass out on the couch.

So, when NT people see this kind of laser focus, they demand to know why you couldn’t do that simple math assignment, or why you haven’t been returning their texts, or why you couldn’t apply the same level of energy and enthusiasm on that really boring geography project. They demand to know why you’re so “lazy” the rest of the time.

There’s also the element of hyperfixation. It is the ultimate distraction. Your parents tell you to do the dishes and you say you will. Suddenly, you’ve found a fanfiction about your hyperfixation and you can’t stop reading it. It’s 60k words long and it will take you all day, but you’ll find a break to do your chores somewhere in there, right?

Your mom is suddenly knocking on your door what feels like 5 minutes later, but it’s been an hour. She wants to know why you didn’t do the dishes yet. You’re upset at yourself, but you lash out at her, because you’re unable to regulate your emotions. “I’ll do it in a minute!” you say loudly from behind your door. She walks off, irritated. You ask yourself why you can’t just do it now. Why does it feel impossible to tear yourself away? Your hyperfixation is the ultimate creator of hyperfocus. It rules you.

Before you know it, it’s midnight. You’ve finished the fic. It was amazing. You realize with dread that you still haven’t done the dishes, so you sneak out to the kitchen, hoping your parents have gone to bed. They have, but you find the dishes have already been done by someone else. Suddenly, you’re holding back tears from the RSD episode this has triggered. You ruined everything. You disappointed your parents. You’re a lazy and terrible child and they deserve better.

The truth is, you’re none of those things. In fact, you’re struggling with one of the most difficult mental blocks someone can have. But to others, you’re just making excuses. To others, you should have been able to just do the dishes and then go back to reading. But you know it’s not that easy. But why?

It’s ADHD, Babey!

If this post is hitting hard in a way that feels like your life is being splayed out before you, you might just have ADHD.

The fact is you are not dramatic and you are not lazy. You are struggling with a lot of ADHD symptoms that are making functioning in a neurotypical world incredibly difficult. This world was designed by and for NT people. Your worth is not based in how you live up to their expectations.

If you think you might have ADHD, it might be time to ask your doctor about getting an ADHD evaluation. Please check out my last post (the one i mentioned is under my tag adhdghost) to get more information on RSD and on getting evaluated.

An Important Note

Many experiences and struggles caused by ADHD are also present in other disorders. For example, RSD can be seen frequently in autism as well as in anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Sensory overload, emotional disregulation, executive dysfunction, and so on, can all be present in things other than ADHD. If you want to know if you fit the criteria for ADHD, go check out the criteria on the ADDitude website, which is a great source for ADHD related information.

[rabbitindisguise]

Some truths about physical disability exist like:

People with chronic pain really can be made angrier, more defensive, and generally abrasive because of their pain, and physically disabled people can become righteously angry because of oppression we deal with regularly and

It's still kind of unpleasant for other people to go through no matter how justified and

While it's true people shouldn't be denied help because of these traits that make them abrasive and difficult for many to be around it's also true that

Making a big stink about how This Should Be The Case doesn't save any disabled people from being denied care, does it? And it doesn't help people who don't want to be that way at all!

Similarly:

Many doctors dismiss symptoms as mental health issues to delay diagnosis, or to dismiss an established diagnosis, yes of course and

The skills taught to me in CBT and anger management have kept me from hurting the feelings of people I care about. I don't automatically assume they're trying to hurt me it's just my body is hurt and there's nothing either if us can do about that (unless there is! And I have a clear enough head to ask for it) which is to say: the skills I hold most dearly in my toolset are from my time in the therapy™ and

Lashing out against mentally ill people because we associate them with doctors gaslighting us about our pain is unfair and it makes the readings of posts by mentally ill people unjustly uncharitable. Instead of trashing a bathroom we're rejecting allies for not being miserable exactly like us to reflect our angst. It's profoundly counterproductive and

Refusing to extend empathy to mentally ill people because we shouldn't have to tone down righteous anger or side effects from chronic pain might feel good in the moment but sanism requires masking in society as a matter of course- including modulating discussions of mental illness to suit neurotypicals- and it's not incidental that physically disabled neurotypicals that are the loudest voices in the physically disabled community. How dare we ask that of mentally ill people "tone [their mental illness] down" in pursuit of our own justice as physically disabled people! It's the same evil leveled against mentally ill people by neurotypical able bodied people.

We owe our community better.

I want disabled people to thrive in a society that isn't changing fast enough to save us all, and I want mentally ill people to not have to continue to act abled when they're not, and I want us to be able to coexist together and create a united front against oppression. Right now the best I can describe it is two people bickering over who gets to pay for dinner. It's bullshit. Save it. There's plenty of important current events to occupy us, like the SSI restoration act, possibly the most important intracommunity bill that could be signed.

In general though if you are the kind of person that doesn't want to be bossed around by Big Angery, I highly recommend some tried and true tips from my therapy sessions, like:

Go do something else for awhile

Counting to ten and other grounding exercises

Deep breathing

Progressive relaxation

Brainstorming other motivations for people's actions when they upset you like "maybe they didn't do it on purpose" or "maybe didn't remember I said not to do that"

Accept that sometimes you can be angry for no reason and that's fine so long as lashing out at others isn't like, the only tool you have to deal with that. I highly recommend videogames. Especially ones with punching. Hell, even being angry with people who consent is fine! Debate teams allow people to constructively argue for no reason.

When all else fails, just try to reject ignorance as a course of action. It might not make you happier to know for sure someone harbors ableist thoughts but often times people are just downright confusing and it's not malicious in the slightest

[uncloseted]

I hope to be better one day. I believe in only two genders because I believe science doesn’t care about your feelings and I feel trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people. I was born female and I’m not always included in everything and I don’t turn around and call people sexist and transphobic, sometimes u get left out cos that’s called life. I’ve tried changing I cant. I just keep my opinion to myself and just agree publicly with what others say. I know I am not a bad person but just wonder what it is that I don’t get it, I honestly think this is just me.

Against my better judgement, I'm going to answer this ask. I'm not entirely convinced it's a question that's in good faith, and the fact that this ask is in my inbox at all suggests to me that you didn't really engage with the nearly 4,000 words I've already dedicated to this subject, so I don't know how much I'll be able to add to your thinking here. But I know a lot of people do genuinely have these questions or questions like these, and so I think it's important to take them seriously for anyone else who might read this answer. If you really hope to "be better" or to change your views, anon, maybe you'll get something from this, too.

Science Doesn't Care About Your Feelings

So, you start by saying that you "believe in only two genders because [you] believe science doesn’t care about your feelings". What exactly do you mean by this? Maybe science doesn't care about your feelings, but science also doesn't support the assertion that there are only two genders. The scientific community is in agreement that trans people exist. The scientific community created the term "gender dysphoria", and it appears as a medical diagnosis both in the DSM-5 and ICD-10 (and will appear in the ICD-11). The scientific community supports the use of medical and social transition to alleviate the stress and discomfort that trans people experience. The scientific community views social and medical transition as an important tool to reduce the number of trans people who will die by suicide. None of those positions are based on "feelings". They're based on scientific fact- on findings that are testable, observable, repeatable, universal, and measurable. If you want to dig into the scientific research that has been done on trans identities we can, but I have a feeling that's not really where you were going when you said "science doesn't care about your feelings."

Are you talking about "gender essentialism", where your gender is defined only by the sexual characteristics you have? In your previous ask, you yourself seemed to me to be unconvinced by biological essentialism. Are we just arguing over the proper use of the words, "sex" and "gender"? Science views sex and gender are fundamentally separate concepts that are often linked. For example, the World Health Organization, an international, scientific agency of the United Nations, says that, '[g]ender' refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women" and that "'masculine' and 'feminine' are gender categories." The FDA, a federal, scientific agency of the US government, uses "sex" as a biological classification and defines "gender" as, "a person's self representation as male or female, or how that person is responded to by social institutions based on the individual's gender presentation."

But even if you were to take gender essentialism to be fact (and to be clear, I don't think we should), the idea that there are "two genders" is still incorrect. As many as 1.7% of people have at least one intersex trait, and there are many more who don't have all the sex characteristics we associate with being "a boy" or "a girl". As I mentioned in my previous post, some girls don’t have a menstrual cycle (due to menopause, hormonal birth control, low body weight, PCOS, etc), but they’re still "biological girls". Some girls don’t have a uterus (for example, if they’ve had a hysterectomy), but they’re still "biological girls". Some girls never develop breasts, but they’re still "biological girls". If you take gender essentialism to be fact, what is your definition of "a biological girl" or "a biological boy"? Could trans people who have transitioned be considered, perhaps, "a biological girl" or "a biological boy"? Why not? And where do intersex people fit into that paradigm? Would they, perhaps, be a third gender, if we take gender essentialism to be fact? And if not, why do intersex people get to be "a biological girl" or "a biological boy", but post-medical transition trans people don't?

Finally, there are very much times where science cares about your feelings. The entire scientific field of psychology is dedicated to caring about people's feelings and understanding what they mean. So is cognitive science, and psychiatry, and frequently, neuroscience. Behavioral economics and linguistics care about your feelings. Even the field of artificial intelligence and human/computer interaction cares about feelings. Feelings aren't a bad thing. They can help us to understand ourselves and others, and to create systems that work better for everyone. Feelings prompt us to ask the right questions so that science can answer them with facts. In this case, the feelings of gender dysphoria that trans people feel and a feeling of curiosity on the part of scientists led to scientific research about gender dysphoria and the development of scientifically supported treatments to alleviate that gender dysphoria.

Trans People Are Really Attention Seeking

"Trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people" feels like a strawman argument to me. It's just something that can't really be proven or disproven. It's a feeling that you have, but not a scientific fact.

I think it's also an example of a "relevant logical fallacy", or what's more colloquially known as a "toupee fallacy." The toupee fallacy is a type of selection bias where a negative trait is obvious but neutral traits are not. Its nickname comes from the phrase, "all toupées look fake; I've never seen one that I couldn't tell was fake," which is an example of this fallacy. You've never seen a toupee that you can't tell was fake because you assume the ones that look real are just natural hair. The same applies to trans people. If a trans person passes, you may not know (or notice) that they're trans at all. Or if a trans person "acts normal", you may not notice because you're only looking for "toupees"- trans people who are, in your view, "acting inappropriately".

Which brings me to my second point, that this is also an example of the Baader-Meinhof (or "frequency" phenomenon. This is a phenomenon where, after you notice something for the first time, there's a tendency to notice it more often, especially if it's something that makes you react emotionally. Maybe it's not true that all "trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people." Maybe it's that you're noticing it more frequently because it bothers you when this occurs, but you're not noticing all of the trans people who are just quietly living their lives.

Finally, I suspect that if we were more inclusive as a society, trans people would have to talk about their transness less frequently. If people are consistently calling trans people by their deadname or using incorrect pronouns for them, of course they're going to always be reminding people that they're trans. If people are consistently excluding them, of course they're going to be seeking inclusion. This is anecdotal, but one of my best friends is trans, and she never really talks about it unless it's directly relevant. And I think she can do that because she's always respected, included, and just generally treated like "one of the girls" (because she is just one of the girls). I said this in my last post, but I think it bears repeating- the people who are most insistent on their identity being respected tend to be the people who have been the most hurt by people not respecting who they are. Being insistent about who they are is the only way they feel they can be recognized or seen. They're operating from a place of pain. And isn't that sad more than it is annoying? It certainly is to me.

But even if we accept the (incorrect) premise that "trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people".... so what? Does being attention seeking and validation seeking mean that a person's rights should be taken away from them? Because if it does, a whole lot of Instagram influencers are about to lose their rights. Does wanting to be included mean you should be ostracized from society? I think we all want to be included in one way or another. We all want to be part of a community that's bigger than we are. Does always reminding people of you are warrant people rejecting your identity? If you believe that, you should never correct that one person you know who always gets your name wrong and just accept that that's your new name now. You don't have to like people who you find annoying, but you can't just take away their rights or deny them rights because of it.

I Was Born Female and I'm Not Always Included

"I was born female and I’m not always included in everything and I don’t turn around and call people sexist and transphobic, sometimes u get left out cos that’s called life." Isn't that a bad thing, though? Don't you want to be included in spaces that you're excluded from right now? Don't you want people to be less sexist towards you? Don't you want the same rights that men have? I certainly do, and I think it's important to fight for those rights. It sucks to be left out, but more importantly, it's damaging to be left out. Being excluded from spaces has very tangible financial impacts on people, even if you don't care about the very real emotional impact it has. I don't want that exclusion to happen to me, and I don't want that to happen to the next generation of girls. Whatever I can do to make sure that stops, I'm going to do it. And yes, that includes calling people out on sexist behavior. It sucks to have to do that work, but if we don't advocate for ourselves, nobody will advocate for us. And I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I can try to be an ally to the trans community and use some of the privilege I have as a cis person to fight for them so they don't have to do it all themselves. I know how much I would love for men to use their privilege to advocate for women in spaces where we can't, and I hope I can do that for trans people in spaces where they can't advocate for themselves.

Final Thoughts

So once again, this brings me to my final thoughts, and a few questions I would encourage you to think about. What are you really worried about here? Are you worried that including trans women in women's spaces will make it more difficult to talk about issues that people with female sex characteristics face? Are you worried that trans people will center themselves in those discussions? Are you worried that cis men will masquerade as trans women to infiltrate women's spaces with nefarious intent? Are you worried that you'll say something wrong or offend someone? Are you worried that including trans women in women's issues will set women back in terms of the progress we've made? Is it a general discomfort with societal change?

Once you understand where your emotions are stemming from, then you'll be able to address them in a meaningful way. I don't think that "this is just [you]" or that you "can't change". But I do think it will be hard to change your view until you know the reasoning- might we even say... the feeling? - behind your views. You're not coming at this from a rational, emotionless, scientific perspective, and that's okay. But that means that, despite my best efforts, I probably won't be able to debate you into changing those feelings. Only you know where those feelings are coming from, and only you can choose to change them. I think you can "be better one day", but you have to choose that for yourself.

Extra Credit

If you're interested in digging further into this topic (or if you're looking for a fun and educational way to spend thirty minutes), I recommend the ContraPoints video "Pronouns":

It absolutely will not dissuade you of the notion that trans people are attention seeking, because Natalie is, at her core, a fabulous performer who uses elaborate aesthetics and sarcasm to illustrate her points and to make her philosophy lectures more fun. But it does directly argue against Ben "facts don't care about your feelings" Shapiro in a rational, logical way. It delves into a lot of the topics I was talking about the other day and also a lot of the topics you bring up in this ask. Natalie even talks herself about how the polite, easy thing to do is call someone by their preferred pronouns, but that she wants to truly understand why people use the preferred pronouns they do instead of defaulting to them because it's "dogmatically the woke thing to do". In my opinion, it's a good video, but even if you don't end up agreeing, it's not that long, so try it out anyway.