#ruinaa

[vitalphenomena]

@ruinaa

"Mr. Antùnez is lucky to be your arm candy." Ha ha ha! "But I have all night to speak to him. Tell me about you."

[withbeasts]

@ruinaa;

" you both think it's something easy. " they've left him to talk for hours. he's had a few drinks, made himself upset, tormented with the idea and hope that he might be free from this. but he knew the grip that settled in his back was only going to be ripped off by something close to death. " it's for -- you to be safe. "

[withbeastsarc]

@ruinaa​.

           this is a place they have come to many times.  the memories attached to it were good  --  maybe a sprinkle of a couple arguments mixed in,  but nothing that had him cringing.  they danced here.  they ate here.  they got so drunk here that one time,  he had to give her a piggyback out the door,  her laugh in his ear,  so close that he could feel her smile.  he remembered those feelings;  should have known,  back then,  where it would lead to. 

          but he had already told himself that he was content with what they had.  all he wanted  --  all he needed  --  was just to be with her,  and be by her side.  and if that meant he didn’t get to sit at the seat of the booth next to her,  laughing about what was going on around them,  then  --  it was fine.  he should just be happy that he had gotten to get his rest and to sleep and to see roman.  

          but he still feels his chest ache when he looks at her.  still wants the same things that he wants  --  what they left behind when walked away from her all those months ago.  he wishes he was more than two drinks in.  “  they changed up the menu on me.  “  

[fakedsciences-a]

@ruinaa

She never gets to talk about things like this; she never gets to talk about much at all that she thinks Josephine — who is glamorous and educated and experienced — will find very interesting.

And what are female friends for if not the occasional failure of tbe Bechdel Test?

""So at work, at the diner. There was this guy."

[tahitiwoke]

@ruinaa​ / @withbeasts​

     juniper leaves and the sauce turns and she kisses his cheek and says sorry, phil, i had a really nice time with you though and phil, quiet in his quiet, empty apartment and his quiet empty body and for the first time in months his head is quiet and empty too and -- a face settles in his minds eye. it is utterly humiliating the way she is infiltrating his life. every little root she has planted -- weeded in the deep of the soil, coiling around his arms and legs and throat. she’s a poison, a voice in his head says and it sounds like a hiss, sounds like i am burdened with glorious purpose, she’s a poison and it needs to be sucked out of the wound before it is left to fester. 

phil makes a decision. as easy as that. doesn’t bother with a gun because he won’t need it; she is small, a lot smaller than him, and he’s working with a whole new barrel of upgrades thanks to hydra and a vacation in tahiti. she’s fast but he’s faster. he’s got thirty years of assassinations and beatings, what’s one more? 

      the porsche gets him across town in record time; he is careful to take the streets he knows have faulty cameras and lights. avoids the elevators and the cameras, takes the stairs two at a time, and knocks with his thumb over the peep. 

[brutlist]

❝ You didn’t deserve that, no one deserves that. ❞

she's such a good kid . sometimes heugh thinks it's been a mistake to let her in on things like this ; he ultimately decides that can't be true --- not every time . it's cumbersome to suspend suspicion at every turn . she's boiling water to the rungs of his ribs , softening him bit by patient bit , not to break him open and suck on the slow cooked marrow it yields like the recollection of his yesteryears might yowl in harbinger's tongue . it hurts , the fraying edges of this sucking wound she tenderly sees to . he wants to stop her from sterilizing his pinks and grays but as though of their own volition his hands are pulling back each rib for her instead , one at a time , so that she may reach in and touch the tarry places where he houses those little howling things . it's too heavy to think each time a matter of purported animosity . when the hurt is in the last throughs of it's throbbing under her fingers , not squeezing , not pulling with vigor on the fragile sinews , heugh finds that there is a brief respite from what's been such a chronic little thing after all these years . he doesn't know how she does it . he doesn't know why it prompts him to react in this way , each time it happens . it's too heavy , on his own . but he's not alone , is he . heugh smiles at her in a way he's sure she's come to know , cups the back of her head in one massive paw so that he may kiss her gently atop her flaxen hair . " c'mon , " he tells her , softly , drawing away to open the back to his sedan , " let's get this inside before it starts raining again . "

@ruinaa

[illwriteatragedy]

MIDNIGHTS;  accepting. @ruinaa​ said:  “  you can face this.  “

          so it goes.  he doesn’t pull the trigger,  twice now.  

          and if he keeps on going,  there has to be something different than the past.  he cannot separate himself from this;  detach and dissociate and let it just happen.  that was the hardest part of it all:  facing himself.  the things that he had done and he had chosen,  the moments that had led him to this point.  he had wanted to consider himself a better man for the people he loved;  he wanted to be more than the weapon he was born to be,  but he had ended up weaponizing love instead.  

           so when he makes that choice,  and he puts the gun back down,  he calls her.  

           she knows he has never been one to talk a lot,  but he lets the conversations go longer once he is back in new york.  he asks her more questions.  he tries to let her know that he wants to see her,  without overdoing it.  when he’s able to ask for dinner,  and when he’s finally able to tell her that he can’t do this anymore,  that he misses her  --  he considers it a step in the right direction.  (  she cries,  he holds her hand across the table,  and they don’t talk about that she’s taken her wedding ring off and he hasn’t.  ) 

            she goes home.  he asks to see her again,  and the second time they have dinner,  he asks to walk her back to shilah’s apartment.  it is there that she must know he is struggling with it;  how could she not?  this was the woman who knew him inside and out,  who had told him that it was okay to be himself,  the first person in the world who saw beyond what he was but what he could be,  and had loved him for it,  and  --  

          you can face this.  

           isn’t it a terrible thing?  for everything he’s done,  to have her still look at him with those eyes,  and to give him this patience once more?  

           “  it should have always been you.  “  it is the first time they are acknowledging it.  “  there’s no going back.  but if i could  --  “  his hands tremble.  he cannot reach out to her,  only to himself right now.  the words are all there,  at the tip of his tongue,  and he should say them  --  say them like he means them,  because he does,  desperately.  “  i should have fought for you,  josephine.  i should have protected you.  it should have never gotten this far.  and  --  i know you’ve taken off your wedding ring,  and i don’t know what that means for us,  but if i have to take every day and show you how much i want this  --  “  

          he stops,  overwhelmed.  (  what would it mean,  if they parted here?  what would it mean for the future?  there has only ever been one option for him.  her.  her.  always her.  )  “  --  everyday from here to the end,  you will always be my choice.  “  

[blemishezarchive]

𝚂𝙰𝚈 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙶𝙸𝚁𝙻 𝚆𝙰𝚂 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝚁𝚄𝙸𝙽. JOSPEHINE LEWIS / @ruinaa

[swallowpit]

@ruinaa / joss carter.

wednesday's are typically not slow days in new york city - when is there ever a slow day in new york? - but it's just about slow enough to justify the leisurely walk to patsy's and an even more leisurely lunch break. joss sits with her eggs and bacon and maple syrup (don't judge) and sips at lukewarm coffee that's got just a bit too much sugar in it. and because the diner is equally as slow, it's not too hard to make conversation. "you know, you're too smart to be working this joint, jo."

[wristful]

i thought i knew you. / ellie and stevie

you do know me! sometimes it feels as though you're the only person in the world who knows me! and by you, he means her and andrew, who have become melded into one unit in his brain, as solid as cement weighing down on his conscience. every time he does something he knows he shouldn't, his brain supplies they won't like this unhelpfully. right now he's doing something he shouldn't. has done something he shouldn't. stealing roman's laptop was not the smartest idea he's ever had and it's caused round after round of arguments with the revolving door of family members. he was going to replace it. he swears down, blue in the face, he was going to replace it.

(but phil and carol have started locking up their valuables; will knows better than to leave him alone in a room with an ipad. aunt jo still trusts with the hopeful optimism of someone who thinks it'll all 'settle down eventually'. he'll figure it out, stevie heard her consoling his mother one night. look at ridley.)

"this is just a misunderstanding, ells-bells," he says warmly, kindly, pupils blown wide and limbs loose. even outside on the back porch he can still hear arguing - josephine and phil tearing chunks out of one another - and ellie is looking at him in a way she hasn't really ever looked at him before. "this is just an overreaction."

[vitalphenomena]

@ruinaa

IT TAKES HER A FEW DAYS TO DRAFT A TEXT THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE SENT AT THE BEGINNING OF THE WEEK.

[ sms: Josephine! ] I might need to stay with you for a few days if that's okay? [ sms: Josephine! ] Lila too [ sms: Josephine! ] And I have something I need to tell you...

[withbeasts]

@ruinaa;

he does not come to the bedroom. he does not interfere with their conversation, though he's tempted too. the smell of sadness and alcohol and tears lingers in his nose and makes him feel stressed and irritated and a thousand other things that had already been there, swallowed back down and risen back up again, a bad taste.

when josephine does finally come out of the bedroom, far later into the night, he is quick to stand and be at her side. a quiet beat between them before he wraps her in a hug, squeezing her tight.

[withbeastsarc]

@ruinaa.

           he is about as stiff as a board during these kinds of things.  it is obvious in his posture,  holding his drink.  she mingles like second nature,  arm and arm with shilah,  who has already made him embarrassed at the way he’s been fretted over.  he is even more red when another woman comes to speak to him,  her compliments more flirtatious than he remembers how to handle.  “  thank you.  “  is all he can muster,  searching around for either of the two who can free him from this.  

[fakedsciences-a]

@tahitiwoke @ruinaa​ @withbeasts​

Juniper and Phil approach the restaurant from one side; Roman and Josephine approach from the other.

“Jo! Hi!”

Juniper runs up to Josephine and envelops her in a tight hug. She wants Phil to see that they’re close, that she does actually have friends. All she ever talks about is work and her online courses, (really, all she ever does is listen to Phil; she's a good listener) and all they ever do is spend time together (a scattered burst of dates in a quick timeframe; to Juniper, it’s a whirlwind romance) — she wants him to see that she’s normal, sociable.

Juniper offers Roman a smile and a wave, hesitant to hug him — unsure if they’re there yet. He has always just been Josephine’s partner; they haven’t had the chance to form a separate friendship. Maybe this is why she cannot read the expression on Roman’s face, why she is still so absolutely elated when she turns around to face Phil and make introductions.

“I’m so glad everyone could come. I feel like, um — I feel so weird, introducing everyone. Can you all just say hi, say your name, or something?”

She looks around expectantly, the only smiling face.

[tahitiwoke]

                                         I THINK YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME. 

                                                                 ( AESTHETIC )

[brutlist]

"want to do something stupid to take your mind off all this?"

𝐚𝐭 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐣𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐩𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐞 , 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 . it's almost spooky --- there are instances where the text comes , the phone call , even to the wrap of knuckles on the other side of the door --- it should have been bernie . but it's jo , when he answers . what's to be done ?

it's too loud . he's forgotten his noise canceling ear buds in his hurry to yield to efficiency ( send this email , leave a message for zac's math tutor , check in on this and the other thing to make sure communication had been clear enough for things to run smoothly half a world away ) , and he can feel the vibration of everything moving and speaking and god knows what else spearing out of his pores from deep within the bone , and he can't walk with it much less think . jo just knows . or maybe it's more apparent in the flat of heugh's brow as he puts his all into maintaining his affability for her . maybe he's missed a cue that he wouldn't normally . some days , it's just harder than others . jo just knows . so he decides not to take it personally when she notices with budding concern , and offers him a way out . she's a delicate touch to his arm , and he decides then too that he'll be happy to keep it , a large palm settling over her knuckles in a quiet , wordless way of thanks , his i'm okay . he can handle this . he has to .

@ruinaa