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chocolatesandkisses · 4 years

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For the nth time. My gut feeling didn't fail me.

Tama nga ako. Something is definitely wrong.

Hindi ko alam kung paano magsisimula. Ayoko nang makipag-usap or magsalita. I'm just so tired of breaking down because of those shits that is happening in my life right now. Shits na paulit-ulit kong nae-experience dahil na rin sa mga taong dahilan nito. Pero sobrang sakit kasi. Ang sakit na iparamdam sayo na hindi ka kailangan, na wala silang time para sayo, or `yong balewalain ka. `Yong chat ka nang chat knowing na okay lang kayo, pero `yon pala nagpapanggap lang siya na gusto ka niyang kausap.

Bakit? Kasi okay na kayo ng jowa mo? Kaya hindi mo na ako kailangan?

Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit kailangan mong gawin to saken? Dahil ba nire-real talk kita? What's wrong with telling you the truth? I'd tried to save your stupid ass sa mga failures mo; I'd tried giving you million advices para lang magkaron ka ng self-confidence, and even helped you find a job so that you can have a better way para ma-solve mo yong financial problems nyo, and yet... just because I'm being honest with you, eto yong mapapala ko?

I tried telling you kung ano `yong nararamdaman ko towards our friendship, pero ibang sagot ung nakuha ko. Nagsulat pa nga ako ng blog post non kasi indirectly man, gusto kong malaman mong may pinagdadaanan ako. Pero anong ginawa mo? Sobrang layo ng sagot mo. Tungkol sa inyo na naman ng jowa mo yong kinuwento mo. Ni hindi mo ako nakuhang tanungin kung okay lang ako, knowing you na aware na may anxiety ako at history ng depression. Tapos ako naman etong si tanga, nag-assume na naman na okay lang ang lahat kasi kinausap mo na ko. Nakapagkwentuhan na tayo ulit.

Pero hindi. Akala ko lang pala un.

Nagcchat ka lang saken pag tungkol sa trabaho. Pag sinagot kita, ilang days na naman ang lilipas, magcchat ka ulit saken dahil lang ulit sa trabaho. Ewan ko ba kung sadyang slow ka lang or nagbubulag-bulagan at nagbibingihan ka na pagdating saken.

I know this shouldn't be a big deal, pero alam kong ring naka-mute ang stories ko sayo. Why? Ayaw mo na saken? Sana sinabi mo. Hindi ung pinagmukha mo kong tanga na lumapit nang lumapit sayo tapos iyon pala, ayaw mo pala akong kausapin.

Sana naging honest ka na lang saken.

Nagagalit ka sa boyfriend mo pag feeling mo nagsisinungaling siya sayo, pero bakit saken ginagawa mo un? Kasi isa lang akong kaibigan mo? At hindi ko kayang ibigay ung kaligayahang naiibigay ng boyfriend mo sayo? Alam ko naman un. Kaso sana isinalang-alang mo ung tagal ng friendship natin.

Sana hindi mo na lang ako pinagmukhang tanga. Sana di mo na lang pinaramdam saken ung pambabalewala mo.

Sinubukan kong isipin nang paulit-ulit kung may nagawa ba kong masama para ganituhin mo ko? Pero wala. All the things I've said to you were all for your own good. Kung sensitive ka sa pangre-real talk sayo ng isang tunay na kaibigan, sige. Don ka sa klase ng kaibigan na kahit nakakairita na yang kagagahan mo, sasabihin pa rin niya sayo na "you're doing good... blah blah blah..." FYI. Unsaid rules na sa magkakaibigan (lalo na kung mahigit sampung taon na ang friendship nyo na magsalita ng harsh sa isa't isa). It's not my fault kung sensitive ka sa mga sinabi ko. It's yours.

Grow up! I'm just so tired of dealing with your bullshits.

You have given me reasons not to care for you anymore. I just need some time and space right now. Grabeng stress and emotional torture ang binigay mo saken for the past days, weeks, and months.

Okay na for me na ipinaramdam mo saken kung paano balewalain at sisihin sa isang bagay na hindi naman ako ang may kasalanan. Remember? Nong ako ung sinisi mo kung bakit kayo nagkalabuan lalo ng jowa mo? Oo, alam ko nagkausap na tayo tungkol don pero alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit un para saken?

And to think na kung hindi pa ako ung unang susuyo non sayo, baka hindi pa tayo "nagkaayos" non. Wala eh. Gaya ng jowa mo, kahit stress na stress na siya sayo, hindi ka pa rin niya kayang tiisin. Kasi mahal ka niya eh.

Kasi mahal kita. Kasi best friend kita. Kahit naman ilang beses kong sabihin sayo na nasstress ako sayo, na naiinis ako sa kagagahan mo, na ang toxic mo... hindi naman kita kayang balewalain eh. Magdrama ka saken nang magdrama, sige lang. Pero wag mo sanang masamain kung nirreal talk kita. Kasi hindi naman para saken un. Para sayo un.

I just want you to grow up. 😭

Hindi naman ako magkakaganito kung hindi mo lang binalewala ang existence ko.

Sana maging masaya at strong pa kayo ng boyfriend mo. Ayoko na lang din maulit yong pain na naramdaman mo nong feeling mo binabalewala ka niya.

Pero alam mo ba kung ano ung nakakatawa?

Nong naging okay na kayo, saken mo naman pinaramdam yon.

Nasan na ung mga araw na chat ka nang chat saken kasi iyak ka nang iyak? Yong nanghihingi ka saken ng advice kasi sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman mo?

Alam mo ba kung ano ung pinagdadaanan ko ngayon? Do you have the slightest idea what I've been dealing with right now?

This would be the last time na mag-aaksaya ako ng oras na magsulat ng blog post para sayo. I am not even sure kung babasahin mo. But it's fine. It's your loss not mine.

Sana next time, hindi na to maramdaman ng kahit sino man towards you. Kasi alam kong mabait kang tao. Sabi ko pa nga sayo, I like the way you still see the good in people no matter how much they've hurt you.

Pero mukhang mali ako ng pagkakakilala sayo all this time.

Sincerely,

ruthie

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homenum-revelio-hq · 5 years

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Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Nutteh!

You have been accepted for the role of MARY MACDONALD, with your requested faceclaim change to Imogen Poots! I really loved the way you brought Mary to life! I could tell through your application that you truly understood what this version of Mary Macdonald, a character who often gets pushed to the side, is all about! I’m so happy to see you embracing her dark parts. I am so excited to have you as part of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Nutteh

AGE: 26

TIMEZONE: CST

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I work full-time, but one para interaction per week is more than doable. When I get into something, I get really into it.

ANYTHING ELSE: No.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Mary MacDonald

AGE: 20

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Cis-female, she/her. She is bisexual, if she had to identify herself, but truth be told the idea of placing her heart in anyone's hands - be they male, female, or anything in between - is a daunting proposition.

BLOOD STATUS: Muggle-born

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

ANY CHANGES: I'd like to change her FC to Imogen Poots, if possible. She has a slightly softer look than Emma Mackey, but there's an underlying darkness - a potential for darkness - that I think is important for Mary's faceclaim.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Mary MacDonald is good at “soldiering on.” She is adaptable, capable of flexibility when it means a better chance of achieving her goals. A hectic family life prepared her for such a thing. Navigating the streets and slums of Glasgow at a young age made her a direct-line thinker; when the only goal was survival, it was hard not to be steadfast in one’s endeavors. The Sorting Hat debated putting her in Slytherin for that reason, which is perhaps why she’s so close with Alice, but it’s not a trait that makes her particularly gregarious. She finds it difficult to be a devoted and dependable friend when she is wary of people’s intentions, and Mulciber’s attack only exaggerated that part of her psyche. It’s unfortunate, as her splintered relationship with her family has left her in desperate need of real friends. Always a worrier, Mary is used to thinking ahead; but, after she emerged from her fifth year with that long, nasty scar across her cheek, she was convinced she’d grown soft. Her need to be one step ahead of everyone else has morphed into a kind of high-functioning anxiety. She and fear are close fellows and she hates it, but at this point she has become quite good at using it to drive her.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

Mary was born in Glasgow, Scotland to eighteen-year-old newlyweds Richard and Ruthie MacDonald. The pride of Mary's young life came from pointing at her parents' few grainy wedding photos - "That's me!" she screamed, jabbing a finger at her mother's swollen belly, straining beneath her wedding dress. Her elder brother Adam, however, was a more concrete installment; he stared blankly at the camera from his perch in Ruthie’s arms, not at all moved by the joyful occasion. Love ruled the MacDonald household - it had to, as they didn’t have much else. Two more children followed - Patrick and little Holly - and Mary knew nothing but family. All six MacDonalds lived in a three-bedroom flat above Ed’s Bakery, a rather seedy establishment with an owner whose heart was far bigger than he let on. Richard built ships and worked long hours, and Ed employed Ruthie downstairs. Mary’s childhood was filled with the scent of baking (and sometimes burning) bread, and it was spent leading hodge-podge football matches in the back alley. Underneath it all, though, was a kind of dutiful sobriety; she wanted to be like the other children at her muggle primary school, seemingly carefree, but there were things to be done and things to be taken care of at home and she didn't know how to not care.

That was why it was so jarring when her Hogwarts letter arrived, accompanied by a witch with square spectacles (who, it can be noted, took quite a liking to Ed’s biscuits). Mary’s magical abilities revealed themselves late and subtly; footballs seemed to do exactly as she willed them during games with her siblings, and any spats she had in Ed’s shop mysteriously set the baked goods to burning. The news that she was a witch, however, was somehow less unfathomable than the idea of being away from her family for nine months out of the year. She was used to being surrounded by them, by focusing only on their well-being and their survival; she didn’t know how to have thoughts that didn’t include them. Ruthie and Richard were proud and very supportive of their daughter’s new endeavor - at times, perhaps too supportive. Mary would never admit it, but she agonized over their eagerness and enthusiasm for most of her first year. Were they glad to be rid of her? Were they happy to have one less mouth to feed? She missed them and her siblings something awful, but as time went on she made peace with the anxious squall in her head. To this day it’s unclear, but if her mother and father did want to get rid of her she doesn’t blame them. Their family was a loving family, but it was also a hectic one; as Mary grew older and wiser (or perhaps more cynical?), she became inwardly critical of her parents. Why have so many children if you don’t have the means to care for them? She used to believe love was enough, but when her little brother Patrick was sent to prison for robbery shortly before her graduation, she wasn’t so sure. Perhaps this was why her relationship with her family, once so strong she could scarcely think of anything else, faded. It was gradual, but she was engrossed in a new world while they stayed engrossed in theirs - they had to. They taught her hard work and flexibility, but they both intentionally and unintentionally taught her to protect herself. Despite Richard and Ruthie’s example, Mary learned how to dodge missteps, how to keep from acting rashly and damaging any chance of her own survival. Of course, the more sinister and dire the war becomes, the further she strays from self-control.

OCCUPATION:

Mary was fifteen when she was attacked; she was fifteen when she was left panting against the wall of a third-floor corridor, clutching her face as portraits screamed and gasped around her. She was in the thick of her O.W.L.s when Mulciber, a boy two years her senior, unleashed his prejudice upon her, and she only wished he’d done it sooner. If he’d had the sense to do it before she started studying, she would have known what to say when asked about career choices. The attack had done everything it wasn’t meant to do; instead of silencing her, it made her bolder. Instead of making her shrink away from magic, it spurred her on, adding fuel to a fire she’d been allowing to smolder inside her.

Upon graduation, however, Mary was at a crossroads. She wanted desperately to be an auror, but the Ministry was beyond corrupt and she knew better than to expect anything from it. She idled, working odd bartending shifts at The Leaky Cauldron whilst scanning the Prophet behind the bar. That’s where Dumbledore found her, and his proposition to join the fledgeling Order of the Phoenix wasn’t one she had to think much about. Still, it wasn’t making her any money - organizing against dark wizards wasn’t a job, especially the slow, hum-drum way the Order went about it. As good as she was at getting by with very little, she needed something more.

The first time she heard his name was during an Order meeting, said with an air of discomfort and slight distaste. He was one of those radicals, one of those militant rebels who found murder a perfectly good way to deal with Voldemort’s regime. Both confirmed and suspected Dark Lord followers were turning up dead all over Europe, and Mary’s skin prickled. The Order did not endorse him, but she met with him in secret; if anyone were to find out or ask her about her current employment, she’d maintain that she has to make a living somehow. It’s an excuse that doesn’t quite fit, but working underground as an assassin, for lack of a better word, keeps her out of the public eye and in a stream of steady income (sometimes more than steady, and in Mulciber’s case, sometimes out of the goodness of her heart).

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

The speed with which she rose through the ranks came as a surprise, though not to Mary. It was poetic, really - a muggle-born barrelling her way into the “inner circle” - but she didn’t allow herself to think about what it all meant. Every now and then she wondered if her recruitment was meant to be more of a statement than an actual tactical move, but in the end it didn’t matter. If it started as a statement, fine. If Dumbledore recognized the need, the hunger for revenge eating her from the inside out, that was fine too. How she got there wasn’t as important as what she was doing now that she was here, and Mary clings to that thought. She isn’t blind to the Order’s setbacks, but she is comforted by all they have done - all she has done. After the attack during her fifth year, she often wondered why Mulciber didn’t kill her. He had the chance, didn’t he? Why hesitate? Well, she didn’t hesitate, and sleep comes quicker now than it has in years.

SURVIVAL:

Preservation is a strong instinct for Mary - she’s good at surviving. Glasgow was in a period of economic decline while she was growing up in its underbelly, and she learned how to avoid trouble, how to avoid being robbed (not that she had anything of value). This was why, as much as Mulciber’s attack drove her forward, it also shocked her and gave her self-esteem a firm shove backward. How did he sneak up on her? Why didn’t she expect anything? Why wasn’t she ready for him? Since then she has worked hard and resolved to be more prepared, more perceptive; it seems all well and good, but she has heard the term “trigger-happy” thrown around more than once. As much as her vigilance has helped her, it’s also made her somewhat of a liability.

RELATIONSHIPS:

At this point, Mary’s relationships with the rest of the “inner circle” are strained. She’s been successful so far, hasn’t she? So why do these men (save for Alice, and what the fuck is that all about?) seem so keen on dismissing everything she says? She’s taken Death Eaters down before, likely more than her peers know, but they’re so focused on outwitting and outmaneuvering the opposition that they’re forgetting the merits of just going for it. That’s why the methods of the newest recruits have her straining to hear their conversations, glancing sideways at them as she heads for “inner circle” meetings. Dorcas, Emma, and Benjy are people of action, and Mary respects that. It’s only a matter of time before she offers her help, especially if things keep slogging along like they currently are.

Her relationship with her family is all but nonexistent. It’s been a year and a half since she saw her parents, and Adam doesn’t write to her anymore - that stopped before her fourth year. The distance became too great to bridge with friendly letters, and now Mary doesn’t know how best to do it. Besides, she doesn’t have the time, and sometimes she feels that the farther away she is, the better it is for them.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: I ship Mary/Chemistry. It's hard to know exactly what her relationships to other characters entail at this point, but if accepted I am happy to discuss those in depth with my fellow players.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

I suppose Mary has had the luxury of seeing the muggle and wizarding worlds as two separate entities. She isn’t totally naive - she knows muggles aren’t immune to the unseen war raging among them - but given her experience as a muggle-born with a more or less indifferent family, she can’t help but see a stark line between the two. So far her parents and siblings remain unaffected, and that makes it difficult for her to understand the plights and fears of her fellow muggle-borns, especially ones with strong, lasting familial bonds.

When it comes to wealth, she has a gigantic chip on her shoulder as well; she appreciates the Potters’ and McKinnons’ generosity, but she never allows herself to stay at their estates for long. Seeing the sheer scale of their fortunes sometimes makes her sick, nevermind that they’ve been nothing but kind to her.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

I'm looking forward to dabbling in Marauders' Era again. It's been ages, and there might have been some light peer pressure involved in my applying at all. But now that I've done it I'm really excited! One thing that I think always turned me away from Marauders' Era was the fact that there was a concrete endgame. We know what happens to these characters, so exploring the bits in between seemed silly to me. Now I'm starting to understand the draw, and I think this roleplay being AU is opening a lot of doors and making me feel less constricted.

PLOT DROP IDEAS:

I’d really like to play with Mary’s questionable occupation. She has focused on targets with stark, black-and-white, obvious loyalties to the Dark Arts so far, but I think it’d be fun to have her confront a gray area - perhaps being sent for someone who is good and does good but doesn’t set themselves firmly against Voldemort? Perhaps someone within the Order? I want her job to become a source of contention within the Order if/when the other members find out.

ANYTHING ELSE? Nope!

#homenumaccepted #marauders era rp #harry potter rp #harry potter rpg #harry potter roleplay

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