#sa survivor

[sleeplessv0id]

what doesn't kill you makes you weird at intimacy

[easybreezyscatterbrain]

tw / sa

i am constantly scared of other survivors hearing my story and saying “that’s not assault.” because it was coercion, because i had feelings for him, because i stayed in contact with him, because of so many things. even though survivors are the ones who helped me realize what happened to me wasn’t consensual.

i just am always worried that i’m telling the story wrong and one day someone will see.

[deletecyberspace]

after being abused my standards for shit is so low. i just want someone to be nice to me. i just want to trust someone will stop when i say no. i just want someone to enjoy spending time with me, even if we dont have sex. i just want to have my birthday be about me. i want to be kissed by someone who wants me. i want to walk into a crowded room and have someone looking for me, like they were hoping i was there.

[jetlagsuffication]

[ophelianessa]

Valangel Fic Masterpost

My AO3 Tag

(All dead dove, read the tags.)

My absolute favorites I've written:

"And Everyone Just Watched" - Angel tries to escape, Val chases him, guns blazing

"Till Death Do Us Part" - Angel tries to escape, Val makes him audition for his life

"Nymphomaniac" - Dissociation, CPTSD, Angel is deep in denial about his trauma

"Loud" - my DID rep, Val cut off Angel's drug supply to get him to come back

"Bad Idea" - Angel tries to resist Valentino while broken up.

"Voicemails" - Angel gets off to Val's voicemails while apart

"Love Hurts" - Val fucks Angel's regenerating corpse

"Withdrawal" - Angel realizes he is physically addicted to Val's pheromones

(Some are repeated across categories) First time a fic is mentioned

Dissociation and Trauma Centric:

"Nymphomaniac" - hypersexuality, deep POV, flashbacks, CSA

"Loud" - going back to your ex, dissociative identity disorder

"Love Hurts" - implied csa, big dissociative energy

"Withdrawal" - first time Angel realizes he's not the one in control in this relationship

"How Long?" - Val POV. He copes violently.

"Everyone Will Know" - Big victim blaming and gaslighting

Getting Back Together With Your Ex:

"Hurt Me, Daddy" -Angel wants to be punished for giving up

"Bad Idea" - Angel tries to resist but Val's saying and doing everything he knows he wants

"Nine Months" - Angel's longest streak of staying away. Val's giving him space??

"Voicemails" - Not quite, but Angel misses Val. A LOT.

"Loud" - Val cuts off Angel's drug supply

"What a Whore You Are" - Angel doesn't think he has much of a choice

"How Long?" - Angel breaks Val's heart over and over and he can't help but fall for it.

"Back to the Womb" - Recovery is impossible

"Soulmates" - Angel can't stay away

Getting Together For The First Time:

"Fuck Me Stupid" - mostly just smut tbh

"This Kind of Man" - Angel knows better

"Audition" - this seems like a good idea!

Pre-Abuse:

"How About Love?" - Angel fundamentally can't accept the idea that Val loves him

"Master" - Angel loves BDSM

"Mark Me" - Val is still... a lot, but Angel's into it

"Awards Show" - Just some smuttish fluff of Valangel and the Vees

"Bound" - more consensual BDSM

"Contract Negotiations" - not that contract

Val POV:

"How Long?" - Val draws Angel when he misses him

"Mine" - Val carves his name into Angel's skin for the first time

"Practice" - Val doesn't understand why Angel would love him. Surely he can push him to the point where he'll stop?

"Prima Nocta" - largely consensual virgin role-play

"Control" - Dom!Angel Dust

"Bound" - more consensual BDSM

"Mark Me" - Angel and Val get into some hardcore bdsm

Guest Starring Vox:

"Cucked" - Vox and Val decide to show Angel who Val really belongs to

"Good Val" - partially Vox POV

"Put Him Under" - StaticMothDust Polycule

"Mis Vidas" - Jealousy -> StaticMothDust Polycule

"Nymphomaniac" - brief StaticDust blowjob

"Contract Negotiations" - Vox is in a lot of it, but does not get laid

"Power Bottom" - Vox is watching but not there

Dragging Husk and Co Into This Mess:

"Shame" - Huskerdust gets cucked

"What a Whore You Are" - mostly Charlie but pretty much everyone shows up

"Made to be Abused" - Being with Val vs being with Husk

Angel Tries to Escape

"Till Death Do Us Part"

"And Everyone Just Watched"

Top!Angel Dust:

"Control" - Dom!Angel Dust

"Say My Name" - Jealous!Angel Dust

"Power Bottom" - Val wants Angel to top him, but he has to neg Angel the whole time

Something Like Consent

"Mark Me" - violent, but Angel is here for it

"Prima Nocta" - cnc role play

"Control" - Actually, chapter 3 does not have consent, but the first two do!

"Bound" - fun bdsm with feelings

"Say My Name" - Jealous!Angel Dust

"Fuck Me Stupid" - on a table in a club/restaurant

"How Long?" - abuse comes after the sex

"Cucked" - Angel doesn't consent to watching, but Vox and Val are consensual

Blood Play

"Mark Me" - Name carving, consensual

"Mine" - Name carving, non-consensual

"Cigarette Burns" - past blood play

Exhibitionism

"Fuck Me Stupid" - on a table in a club/restaurant

"Put Him Under" - in an amphitheater operating room w cameras

"And Everyone Just Watched" - in a club/on a dance floor

"Shame" - in a coat closet with Husk outside

"What a Whore You Are" - at the hotel

"Example" - at the studio

"Cucked" - Vox and Val make Angel watch

Jealousy:

"Cucked" - Vox and Val cuck Angel. Not like he every had a chance with Val anyway.

"Good Val" - Angel and Vox are totally not jealous of each other

"Say My Name" - Angel doesn't get jealous when Val hooks up with other people

"Mis Vidas" - Val makes Angel and Vox overcome their jealousy

"Mark Me" - Val gets jealous of a client

"Nine Months" - Val ignores Angel, "giving him space" till Angel can't stand it

Assorted Graphic Non-con:

"Anniversary" - date rape drugs

"Like Wedding Vows" - Angel says he wants it to hurt, Val takes it too far

Ongoing

"Control" - Dom!Angel Dust, Flustered Valentino with feelings

"Mis Vidas" - Jealousy -> StaticMothDust Polycule, shenanigans

Fragments from a Potential Longer Fic

"This Kind of Man" - Getting together, slooooow burn ft Jaded!Angel

"Audition" - Getting together, Angel thinks he has the upper hand, but catches feelings fast

"Withdrawal" - Angel realizes he's not the one in control in this relationship

"How About Love?" - Angel fundamentally can't accept the idea that Val loves him

"Master" - First time in subspace

"Mark Me" - Getting in too deep

"Awards Show" - Honeymoon Phase

"Bound" - Val catching feelings

"Contract Negotiations" - Angel thinking he has power in this relationship

[tmninjagirl]

pretty much

[sickmuseum]

milk and honey - rupi kaur.

[paraily2]

I always felt alienated as someone who has childhood sexual trauma but wasn’t hurt by a pedophile. I didn’t know where I fit.

Was I hurt by an adult? Yes. 

But they didn’t do it out of lust or attraction. I felt the need to justify my trauma by somehow convincing myself that maybe they were attracted to me–even though they weren’t.

Quite frankly, I didn’t believe I had sexual trauma until I was able to truly comprehend that MAPs and child molesters are two very different things. I clung onto the idea so much of the “inherently evil pedophile who sought out to get me” because it felt like the only way to validate my trauma.

I realize that is no longer the case, and understanding that my abuser(s) weren’t MAPs has been healing for me. I’ve been able to look at my trauma objectively rather than making it easily digestible for myself and others.

I know there are so many others like me—those who also suppress their childhood sexual trauma because their abuser doesn’t fit the “scary pedophile who likes kids” mold.

I see you all. Your sexual trauma deserves to be acknowledged.

Learning that most sexual abuse doesn’t stem from attraction but instead power is a valuable thing for everyone to learn. And I can only hope that knowledge becomes more widespread.

[guess-who-relapsed]

[sparrow-the-tired-lesbian]

here’s a friendly reminder for survivors of any sort of abuse that

It wasnt your fault

You are strong

You didnt ask for it

No one gets to invalidate your experience

If someone invalidates your experience, you get to dump their ass

[deadassjsawhitegirl]

sometimes i come to the realization that ive been through alot of absolute shit in my life and i just kinda have to go lie down cause what the fuck.

[dying-weeds]

I feel like it's not talked enough about how SA really strips you of your identity. Like someone violates your basic humanity and you're left to deal with the aftermath of having everything you are as a person taken away from you. It makes you feel subhuman.

[cry-baby6]

[sleeplessv0id]

will this horrible feeling ever pass?

[xvelvetcoffinx]