I can feel my heart struggle with each contraction because deep down it knows that there’s not a single molecule in my body that wants to continue living.
Every breath I take hurts because my lungs know it’s not worth breathing life into a body that doesn’t want it anymore.
I died long ago. My existence is just a bad memory that you try to bury somewhere far away but it’s always haunting you.
It’s always there telling you what a fuck up you are and how you’ll never be enough for anybody and how no one will ever love you the way you love them and that dying will be the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
There are days when I just feel empty. Everything is doing okay. Life is doing great, and relationships are awesome and stable, but I feel empty sometimes. I wanna do something or I don't-- I really can't decide. It's irritating. All I wanna do is try to understand what it is I want so as to get rid of the emptiness. But I realize, maybe we're all just empty. We try to go on with our lives; with our jobs, schools, relationships, hobbies, wants, likes, dislikes, and all. But deep down inside, I think we all just have that empty space that will never get filled no matter what. Not with love. Not with pain. Not with laughter. Not with a career. Not with success. Not with anything.
Maybe that's why sometimes we just get quiet. Maybe that's why we can never truly be content because we will always have that space to fill. And we're all out here trying to find something to help pacify it.
I wanna believe that maybe we could find something to fill it, but there's this heavy thought in my mind that.. what if...
Being in love is like I’m looking at this person and being like I don’t know what I possibly did in my absolute shitshow of a life to be blessed with such peace.
It’s like… you want to repay them for being a presence in your life, that you could only ever dream of paying back by devoting your entire life to them.
I always knew you weren't mine to keep. That's why I kissed you an extra thousand times And told you it was just an old habit. That's why I always gazed an extra few seconds before I looked away and that's why I stayed up all those nights To watch you sleep instead of getting any rest myself I tried to memorize every curve and mark on your body. So that when you left I would not forget I listened extra carefully when you spoke because I knew. I needed to replay your voice when I was alone That's why I told you I loved you as much as I did And I always held you as close as I did. You pressed your body against mine and I knew Someday your scent would linger on my sheets but You would not be there to hold me close anymore I knew one day I would wake up alone. So I took in your warmth and cried in your arms But you never knew what it was about. I ran my fingers though your hair and moved my hands Back to your body to cherish every inch of your skin I watched you dream and knew I would never get To watch you change and grow because sometimes.In life things are only built to break. I cherished you all I could but you still left
And I'm starting to wish I never memorized you. You were with me. And not together as well. You were in a relationship with me and said you were with many others along. Edits @randomscribbler-guywholovedher 🥀