#safe place quote by spoby from pretty little liars

[my-yesterdays87]

You are mine

Coda to 2x12 (You are not your own)

When Magnus was tortured in Valentine’s body and lived through his worst memory time and again he tried to not hold onto Alexander as his safe place, but the deeper his darkness became, the more he needed the light in his life...

“Magnus. Tell me how to fix this.“, he begged, sitting down as close to him as he dared.

The warlock looked at him with a strangeling kind of sadness in his eyes, that made Alec’s heart ache.

“Just tell me what to do, please.”

Magnus shook his head, not willing or able to speak up.

They sat close on the small couch but did not touch like they used to. There was a suspense between them, the way they held their bodies, that was untypical for them. In the past weeks they had become comfortable around each other to an extend, that made it impossible not to be near the other, when in the same room. It was like gravity. Their souls calling out for each other.

Magnus found he needed the warmth of that familiar body beside him as much as he needed to get away from it. But he simply couldn’t tell him the horrible things he had done. Using him to hold onto his sanity was simply not right. And it hurt to keep it from him all the same.

“Alexander.“, he choked out, but couldn’t say more. His voice broke and he cast his eyes down. He couldn’t even look at him. The guilt, the disgrace ate him up from the inside and he needed time. Magnus needed time to cloak all this emotions with that cheerful self he wore so well. He needed to be alone... Yet he couldn’t find it in him to ask Alec to leave.

But as it turned out, that wasn’t necessary.

“I am sorry.“, the shadowhunter whispered and Magnus couldn’t bring himself to react.

It was only a fraction in time, when Alec moved closer, placed an arm around his shoulder and his forehead sank against Magnus’ temple.

“I am sorry you had to go through this.“ Magnus could feel his breath against his cheek and was soothed as well as disguted by it. He could feel Alec’s eyes closing and took a deep breath.

“It wasn’t your fault, Alexander.“, he said, allowing himself to find comfort in his boyfriend’s arms. His head sank against Alec’s and his body practically slummed against the shadowhunter’s steady form.

And Alec caught him as certain as the sun, his arms beeing the only thing that held Magnus together at that point. His hand moved on his own to find Alec’s warm palm, intertwining their fingers.

“I need you to...“

“.. leave.“

Magnus nodded, clutching his hand. He was conflicted, but knew that if Alec stayed, it would hurt the both of them.

“Do you need me to leave the apartement or should I stay on the couch?“, Alec whispered against his temple.

The young shadowhunter knew that Magnus needed his space, but given the situation, he needed to make sure.

But Magnus didn’t answer. He kept leaning against him and Alec moved his head ever so slightly, to let Magnus’ rest against his chest, his lips pressing against his hairline ever so gently.

They stayed on like this for what seemed like a lifetime, basking in each others warmth.

“You are my safe place, Alexander.“, the warlock whispered almost inaudible with the imminent need to get this of his chest. Tears streamed down his face and he was relieved that Alec was unable to see this.

“I never had a safe place to land.“, Alec confessed, caressing his hair, while his chin rested against Magnus’ head. “...until I met you.“

“No.“, Magnus sat up and looked straight at him, anger written all over his tearstained face.

“You don’t understand, Alexander.“

He moved up, agitated and started pacing around.

“I used you.”

Alec followed his movement with his eyes and was lost for words. He didn’t understand indeed and was about to open his mouth to say so, but Magnus kept on talking...

“Whenever the pain of that agony rune overwhelmed me. I tried to go back to my happiest memory. The day I knew you loved me.“

Magnus cheeks were glistening with tears, but when Alec moved to stand, he held up his hand, so the other sat back down. Watching him, helplessly.

“I clung to this.... image of you, to keep me sane.“

His words were laced with pure disgust.

“But isn’t this what a safe place is for?“, Alec asked under his breath, still not getting his full meaning. “To have someone to keep yourself together when things are falling apart?“

Magnus finally locked eyes with him.

“You don’t know anything about the memory you were up against.“, he screamed through his tears. “You don’t know what that agony rune made me relive.“

“Then tell me.“, Alec begged again. “Make me understand.“

Magnus looked sad and defeated.

“Leave me alone.“, he whispered. “I don’t want you to see me like this.“

I can’t break in front of you... You of all people. For you I need to be strong.

“Magnus.“, Alec said while standing up, but not getting close.

“I love you... And whatever it is, I am here for you.“ His voice broke. “You never have to pretend how you fell, especially not with me.“

“I am sorry, Alexander.“, Magnus whispered, when he cupped his lover’s face in his hands. “I love you, too.” And a soft flicker of his magic erased Alec’s memories of their brief heart to heart.

“I am fine.“, he asured him, when Alec blinked in confusion.

“You sure you don’t need me to clean that up?“, Alec asked, pointing to the glass on the floor.

“No need to worry.“, Magnus said, smiling despite himself. “Magic, remember?“

Alec nodded and bend down to peck his lips, tenderly but chaste.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.“

“Yeah.”

“Good night, Alexander.“, Magnus added, after the door had closed behind the man he loved. He could feel himself breaking and he knew that he had done something irrevocably wrong.

But despite everything. Despite the deep trust he had in Alexander from the very beginning. He was afraid to loose him to an extend, that made him do silly things, like erasing his memory. He knew that Alec did not deserve this... and neither did he. But in his long lifetime, he had learned one thing. Trust and love were easily shattered, while pain lasted and kept on crawling back in, when love was nothing but a fleeting memory.

Magnus walked into his living room and poured himself a drink. He stepped in front of the window and looked out into the darkness, beyond his reflection. His fingers traced his lips, savouring the feeling that Alec’s lips had left. And he knew that this time closing himself off was not an option.