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#sarah miller
agentmarcuspike · 3 days
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in my shakespeare era, here's a sonnet about joel
She came into my world like an embrace My arms a wall to shield her from concern Her smile enough to lighten heavy days I swore to keep her life safe in return Existence without her is like a hole A grave dug out for me to lie alone No way to comfort, soothe, calm, or console In this, the deepest pit that I have known And then before the final spade of dirt The Good Lord reprimands me with a light It stings and it reminds me of the hurt But there’s no doubt that she is worth the fight I carry her through ruin and debris And she raises the torch so I can see
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guiltypleasure-art · 2 days
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summer with his lil bestie
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scarisd3ad · 3 days
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Superstar | football player!Joel miller x popstar!reader
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Chapter six - obsessed
Previous >> next
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Warnings - mentions of sex, cursing, body image talk, insecurity
Summary - when you find out about a certain football player showing up at your tour you decide to reach out just because of all the dating rumors, but what if thoughs rumors turn into reality?
A/N - it’s finally here, sorry for it being so late! But now that I’ve gotten this out of the way I’m aiming for the first chapter of jump then fall to be out sometime next week!
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the next day i wake up with an empty imprint of where ollie was sleeping, joels arms wrapped around me in a comforting hold, and about 5 million notifications. mostly notifications from being tagged in posts and storys but theres some from friends in family too. like one from tara with a screen shot of a tmz artical titled 'popstar y/n l/n photographed with new boyfriend dallas cowboys star football player joel miller on a post game drive' paired with a dramatic open mouthed emoji. i roll my eyes and send back a stfu before dropping my phone back onto the mattress.
i turn hearing the bed frame creak quietly as i admired joel sleeping figure. he was laying on his stomach with one arm lazily wrapped around me. his hair was messy but he still somehow looked flawless. joel stirs as his phone which laid on the night stand ontop of his wireless charger began to ring. it flashed a few times showing off a picture of his mother and him paired with the contact name momma. unfortunately the phone stops ringing before joels able to fully wake up letting him fall back into sleep.
"joel" i whisper as i took my hand that wasnt tucked undernieth me to shake him. he groans eyes not even opening as he hummed a quiet "what?" as his arm that was once lazily wrapped around me pulled me closer. "when's your mom 'sposed to drop the girls off?" i whisper as his head ducked into the crook of my neck pressing lazy kisses to the length of it. "dunno, she has a key. she'll let them in when they get here" his voice is muffled by my neck as he takes a small chunk of neck flesh into his mouth and begins to suck at it. "joel" i giggled as i pushed him away "cant leave marks cant have any of that at any of my shows" he roll his eyes as he presses his lips to mine.
were inturupted by the sound of childlike giggles running up the stairs. "speak of the devil" joel chuckles as he sits up preparing to greet his girls. the door is thrown open revealing sarah and ellie. "daddy!" both squeal as they launched themselves into the bed. "we had pancake for dinner last night!" sarah says as she leans her head agaisnt her fathers chest. both girls excitedly tell their father what they had done with their grandparents the following night as he took turns pressing kisses to each ones forehead. i feel like i dont belong during moments like this, family bonding. im not their mother who can sit back fondly watching with a small smile, im just some stranger laying in their fathers bed. they hardly know me, and i hardly know them. thankfully a call from my mother is able to whisk me away.
"hi mom" i say standing in the bathroom, phone pressed to my ear as i stare into the mirror. "how are you doing?" she asks voice low as if shes trying not to wake someone. "fine...im doing fine" i have another 3 shows in houston next weekend so this weekend and this whole week is just about relaxation and mentally preparing for my next 3 shows which her very physically and mentally demanding sometimes. "your dad saw you on tv last night . he got real excited seein' you" i wish ever older man in his 50's felt like that about me right now. almost every man from the age's of 16 to 70 is pissed off at me cause they 'saw me too much' last night.
i wish i didnt let it get to me but it does. i put up this strong front like no ones able to hurt my feelings but everything they're saying about me does because for some odd reason men think not liking me means theyre allowed to call me a slut and threaten to kill me if i showed up the next game. im just glad joel hasnt seen them yet. "yeah?" i let out an awkward cough "yeah...your dad and i are trying to make it up to houston next weekend dad wants to see you preform again" i smile, though my father never understood one thing about my intrest in music and songwriting he was always my biggest supporter. "really?"
"y/n can you hurry up ive really got to pee!" i hear ellie shout from outside the door as my mother asks "where are you?" i sigh unlocking the door and letting ellie rush in as i rushed out. "Um joels house...but ive gotta go alright? love you."
i walk back into joels bedroom. both girls now gone leaving their father alone to scroll twitter and find out for himself what was the trending hashtag of the day. #fucky/n. how original. how old were they really because this was all really immature coming from men mostly over the age of 20. he's looking down at his phone brows furrowed in a scowl, finger still swiping. he hears my footsteps and looks up letting out a quiet "oh." i sigh arms wrapping around my body "who was that?" he asks. "my mom" i replied as i walked over to the bed and took a seat. "you dont have to go to any of my games again...if you dont want to" he whispers. he head cocks to the side as my brows furrowed. he takes my sense of confusion as an answer "y/n youre getting death threats."
i shrug my shoulders "ive been getting them for the last 5 years. i normally just ignore them." he sighs loudly as if he didnt understand my way of thinking, before changing the subject. "you staying for breakfast?" i shake my head "no. gotta studio session this morning..." joel nods. "can you keep ollie for a few hours? the session is early and im not gonna have enough time to drop him off at home."
-
im in my car driving down the freeway when i get a call from will. one of the first people i met in the music industry and a very acompished song writer himself. for years now will and i have been writing music together for his albums or mine, sometimes even a duet hear and there.
"you're late" he says voice almost drowned out by the sound of a few people in the back ground. "i know sorry. got held up at joels" i can almost hear the eyeroll through the phone. will wasnt the biggest fan of my past boyfriends. it started with will hating andy, he mustve saw the red flags before i did, then he hated harry because of his reputation of being a 'womanizer', then there was tom who he hated simply because he could practically see through him, and now the tradition has gone onto joel. he doesnt have a reason to hate joel yet but he'll find one eventually, he always does. "i know, i know alright. i'll be there in like 5 minutes okay?"
"alright okay see you in 5" he hangs up the phone leaving me to drive the rest of the way to the studio in silence.
-
when i get there theres a crowd of paps outside the studio, and wills standing by the door holding it open for me. wills got long floppy brown hair that comes into vague curls at the ends, and a pair of glasses that are almost too big for his face, that sometimes makes him look a bit goofy. his voice is deep with a heavy british accent that somehow doesnt pair well with his face. "morning" he says with a nod as i walked into the studio letting the door slam shut behind me. "got anything prepard?" he asks as we walk down to the studio that we had booked for the day. "a little thought you could me finish the rest." i say as will pushed the door open letting me walk in first before he did.
"alright let me hear it" he says as he takes a seat next to a bunch of sound equipment. i unlock my phone and open the 'voice memo's' app before playing the most recent voice memo from a few nights ago titled 'sparks fly?'
the voice memo starts off with me playing guitar before i start the first lyric "the way you move is like a full on rainstorm, and im a house of card. youre the kind of reckless that should send me running but i kinda know that i wont get far" will nods as he pauses the memo before un pausing it and letting it play the rest through "and you stood there in front of me, just close enough to touch. close enough to hope you couldnt see what i was thinking of, drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. kiss me on the side walk, take away the pain. 'cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile. get me with those brown eyes, baby, as the lights go down. give me something that'll haunt me when youre not around. cause i see sparks fly whenever you smile" the memo ends and will looks over at me.
"kay i like it. what were the cords you were playing?" shit, i hadnt written them down like i usually did before studio sessions. "um fuck, i dont know...i think it was a,f,c, and g? maybe those." he picks up his guitar that had be discarded beside him and begins to play almost identically to how i was in the memo. "aright was that end the chorus?" i nod a quiet "mhm."
"alright you got anything else?" i nod before saying "yeah keep on playing" i say and he continues to play his guitar trying to fill in the missing pieces to continue on the instrumental part of the song. "my mind forgets to remind me, youre bad idea. you touch me onces and its, really something. you find that im even better than you imagined i would be. im on guard for the rest of world but with you i know its no good."
-
we finish off the rest of the song, tweaking some lyrics here and there, and even recording the song before our we decided to head out. I'm in my car driving by 11:30 when i get a call. the caller id shows up on the screen on my dashboard. joel <33. i answer the phone call and joel imediatly starts talking. "hey baby, what you doin'?" he asks, i can hear the sound of him inhaling and puffing out air letting me know he's probably out on his back porch smoking a ciggarette. "driving. whatcha need?" he sighs out "nothin' really. just wanted to know if you want to stay for dinner t'night" i laugh as my car comes to a slow stop at a red light. "yeah sure, what you guys havin' tonight?"
"probably pizza dont feel like cooking. the girls will be happy with that." he says punchuating his sentence with an loud inhale before matching exhale a few seconds later. "so how long you think you'll be?" i hum pondering a bit as i hit the gas following after the car infront of me "maybe 7 minutes? im a few lights away" i say. i hear him slide open his sliding glass door and presumebly walking inside. "alright i'll let you go, rangle up these kids before you get here. see ya in a bit" the sound of the almost piercing beeps as he hangs up fills my ears before my phone begins playing the song it had been playing before joels call.
7 minutes later im pulling up infront of joels house to see him sat on the porch ciggarette hanging from his mouth, while the girls sat on the driveway drawing with chalk. i chose to park on the street so i wouldnt desturb sarah, and ellie. i step out the car shoving my phone into one pocket. "y/n!" sarah leaps up from the pavemet dropping the stick of chalk that was in her hand before running towards me. tiny arms wrap around my body as she hugs me. "are you staying for dinner? daddy ordered pizza" she says excitedly as joel walked up behind her. "go on and play with youre sister babygirl let me and y/n talk alright?" sarah pulls away nodding before running back towards her sister.
"hey sweetheart" he says before pressing a short, but sweet kiss to my lips. "pizza'll be here in bout 10 minutes ordered it right after i hung up with you" he says a he places the ciggarette he had pulled from his lips a few seconds ago back slotting it against his upper and low lip. i nod as i lean into his body "how was youre studio thing" he asks arm wrapping around my waist as we both begin to walk back towards his front porch. "good" i reply simply as he unwraps his arm from around my waist and sits down. somehow being in a relationship with joel miller was so easy i forgot how my life used to be. my entire world now revolved around football games, tours, joel, and his girls that i almost forget that 3 months ago i was still rotting my bed sobbing over the ending of a relationship i thought was going to be forever. the moment i took one step into joels life i was sucked in and hoped to god i'd never be pushed out.
"y/n! can you come draw with us?" sarah asks from her spot on the pavement. i look at joel giving him a look that almosts asks 'is that okay?' he nods saying "go, we'll talk later" i walk over and take a seat next to sarah on the somehow still hot texas pavement. ellies sat across from us, so deep into her drawing that she doesnt even look up to greet me. her knees are scratched up, probably from the pavement, and her fourarms, and hands are covered in a mix of different dusty chalk colors.
"look at my drawing" sarah says pointing at a larger drawing to her right. 4 stick figured people 3 female, one male, and one stick figured cat drawn to the left of the smaller stick figured humans. each one is labled 'daddy', 'y/n', 'sarah', 'ellie', 'ollie'. i almost want to cry at how adorable it is. she smiles up at me so proud of her work. i almost want to take a picture of it, but decide to take one later.
i want to stay here forever, or atleast have something similar to this forever. joel sat puffing on his ciggarette a few inches away, admiring from a far as i interacted with his children. interactions that make him wish he could have met me first. before the barbaras, or annas. interactions that make me wish he was the man i met 7 years ago on a red carpet, wishing i hadnt spent 7 years delusionally praying for a ring from a man who fell less and less in love with me every day.
a car with a bright red and white papa johns logo attached to the top of it pulls into the driveway. its almost like the girls have a routine for pizza nights. they both jump up leaving the chalk on the sidewalk and run into the house squealling "pizza!!" as joel snuffed out his ciggarette against the porch before walking up the young brunnette man with a wad of cash in his hand. i similarly to the girls dicard the chalk on the pavement and walk inside. i wash my hands before meeting the two girls at the table. their father already passing out slices.
"cheese or peperoni ellie?" joel asks, ellie who sat up on her knees in the chair says "both!" he shakes his head "nope you wont eat it all one or none el's pick one" she pouts as her arms cross over her chest "peperoni" she mumbles under her breath as she sit back down on her butt. joel nods before placing a slice of peperoni pizza onto a red plastic plate and sliding it over to her. "cheese" sarah says before her father can even ask her.
my elbows are sat on the table, a piece of cheese pizza half eaten sit infront of me. this all seems like something taken straight out of a movie, family sitting at the table casually talking about each others days. sarah telling her dad about the funny joke her grandfather had told her last night, joel chuckling recalling the same joke being told to him more than 20 years ago when he was her age.
it all felt so sureal, like how could i be apart of this? i met these people less than 3 months ago and im somehow already at family dinners. sometimes it makes me feel insecure, at moments the thought of feeling so left out because this is not my family even though im sat at their family dinner. he's my boyfriend but these are his children not mine, ive known these people for less than 3 months and only been actually dating joel for one of those months.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
three loud sharp knocks that the front door pull me from my thoughts. joel sighs dropping his slice of pizza before getting up mumbling about how he'd 'be right back'. the dining room is silent as we listen to joels hushed voice whispering to whoever is on the other side of the door. sarah stands up slowly walking over to the doorway so she could get a look at whoever was at the door. ellie follows as usual. monkey see monkey do. a loud squel like shout makes me get up just in time to see sarah running to the woman stood at the door. "mommy!"
she looks like sarah, with the similar but tighter dark curls, and similar dark complection. she beautiful. her hair is pulled up in a ponytail, and though shes only wearing a tee-shirt and jeans she pulls it off fabulously. though there seems to be not even one wrinkle on her face i can tell she's closer in age to joel than i'll ever be. joels stood at the door uncomfortably as sarah hugs her mother. she's tall and thin, thinner than id ever thought about being, i could tell she was a model not only from her statcure but because i'd seen her only. probably an instagram account though i cant recall what platform i saw her on. "how've you been sarbear?" she asks as she hugs her daughter tightly. "good" sarah giggles as she steps away from her mother. the womans eyes now fall to ellie whos somehow now pushed herself behind me. "hey ellie how have you been" ellie shrugs from behind me.
joel tilts his head almost as if he's saying 'come here' i comply walking over to him with ellie trailing close behind. joel wraps his arm around my waist as the womans eyes fall to me. she looks me up and down about 2 times before smiling "and you must be..." she drags out the 'e' sound of be until i answer back meekly "y/n..im y/n" she nods a genuine smile on her face. "nice to meet you y/n. im barbara but you can just call be barb" i nod smiling. "how long have you two been together?" she asks eyes flicking up to joels "um bout 3 months right honey?" he says fake smile gracing his lips as he leans his head down a bit to press a kiss to my temple. "yeah about that" i say with a forced giggle as i lean into joel a little more. right in this moment my insecurities flood back in realizing i look nothing like her. she's thin, her body is fills out right where it needs to, she has no hip dips, no scars, no stretchmarks. she was perfect. if this was his ex was i not his type or was she not? i feel like i already know the answer to that question.
"barb why are you here?" joel asks, she looks at him and just laughs his words off. "im here to see my daughter" she says with a scoff as both her hands place on her hips. joel rolls his eyes "its not like you wanted to for the last 2 years" i know this is my cue to take the girls and let them have their 'adult conversation' so i pull away from joel and say "common girls lets go play with ollie?" both girl excitedly race up stairs towards joels room, where we had put ollie while we ate.
i sit on the bed with the girls my anxiety, and insecurities festering inside of me as the girls swooned over my cat. would barbara reappearing randomly rekindle their relationship? would i just be left in the dust? i know he was acting like he was annoyed with her downstairs but i bet if she tried he'd get back with her right? he'd probably rather be with the mother of one of his children than me. sarah deserved a perfect family, a mom, a dad, a little sister. she didnt deserve whatever she had right now, and i know joel knew that. and i know he didnt want it to be this way. from what i heard it seemed like she's not around alot and that why he's so uncomfortable with her being here, but if she preposed to start their relationship again i'd bet he'd agree.
her having him would mean she'd stay. even if it wasnt for sarah she'd stay, and sarah would have her mom back for good. there would be no need for some 'pretend mom' anymore. no more revolving door of girlfriends, though i despretly didnt want to be apart of that revolving door.
joel barges into the room, instructing both his daughter to get ready for bed before slamming the door shut behind him. leaving just him and i in the bedroom, alone. "she's staying the night." he grumbles arms wrapping around my waist as he pulled me close. i dont ask why feeling as though it none of my buisness. i hum with a small nod. "i was just bout to head out then" i say pressing my head into his shoulder.
our 'sleepovers' if you even can call them that normally only lasted one night maybe till dinner the next night but definetely not a second night. "you're leaving?" i can almost hear the frown on his lips. my brow furrow in confusion, normally he wouldnt budge when i said i was leaving. a few kisses and im normally off but not tonight. his arms instictivly wrap tighter around my waist as if to say 'dont go'. but his ex is here, sarahs mother, wouldnt that be a little awkward?
"thought i'd just go...cause she-she's here. but if you dont want me to leave i can stay" i whisper pressing a few soft kisses to joels exposed neck. "yeah" he mutters with a nod.
-
barbara is on the couch downstairs, both girls are fast asleep in their beds, and im still awake scrolling mindlessly though barbaras instagram. she's got millions of pictures posted dating all the way back to 2014. she's nice, and i really like her i do but i cant help but feel jealous of her when i get posts from 2015. most with joel who looks so much younger, i can tell she's pregnant in most of them. i cant help but obbsess over every part of her body that doesnt look like mine, wonder if he prefers her body over mine.
i wonder how she was during their relationship. was she good in bed? better than me? did he prefer sleeping with her? did he ever think about her? was she still friends with his friends? did his mom like her better than me? and it doesnt make this any easier on me knowing he's got a kid with her and not with me. she's forever attached to him because of sarah but me im disposable. his children arent my blood, they arent from my womb he can forget me easily if he really wanted too. he cant forget her because he see's her every time he looks at his daughter.
im trying to pick out something for me to hate her, and the only reason ive come up with is cause she's basically abandoned sarah. the only photos posted of sarah was 8 years ago on her birthday july 20th 2015 baby sarah all swadled up being held by barbara who laid in a hospital bed, joel stood next to her admiration and joy gleeming in his eyes. then 2 months later sarah being help by joel with the caption 'favorite people'. then after than nothing radio silent its like the baby disappears. people in the comments mustve thought that too because every comment for the next few months of posts are along the lines of 'wheres the baby?'. im guessing thats when she left.
i know joel loves me, and that im probably going crazy but i cant help but obbsess over her. "you're still awake?" joel slurs, voice deep from sleep. i turn off my phone immediately and turn so im facing him. one of his arms wraps around my waist pulling me closer to him. "cant sleep" i mutter as he pressees open mouthed kisses to my neck and jawline. even as he's practically sucking hickeys into my neck all i can think about is that he's probably done this to her, while she was laying on the same side i was as he whispered quiet 'i love you's into her neck. i cant help it as tears form in my eyes that are quickly blinked back. i cant let him know how insecure i actually am. i dont want him to know how isecure ive gotten in the last few hours because i know theres a chance i could get hurt.
"wha's wrong? youre tense" he says pulling away from me. i freeze staring him in the eyes as his brows curl into a furrow. "whats wrong?" his left hand reaches from my cheek caressing it softly. "nothing" i mutter leaning into his soft touch. he hums questionably like he doesnt believe me but goes onto press his lips against my none the less.
im so obssessed that once joel goes back to sleep i cant help but scroll her page. i dont even know why im so obsessed, its not like im ugly im just not anything like her.
Taglist
@taylarxse @none-of-this-makes-any-sense @ktheunready @camixkami @skysmiller @mars743 @tylrswftss @alyhull @jenna-mcgraw19 @h4teh3x @lexloon @greensabereyesforcevictim @cozylibraries @celebrities-imagines @nezukos-number1fan @abbysgirll @marispunk @hopelessromantic727 @fairyain @joeldjarin
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macbeth-s · 1 year
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#two types of girl dads
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pedrohub · 2 months
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HBO’S THE LAST OF US #1.01 ‘When You’re Lost in the Darkness’
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avasillva · 1 year
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But you get it, though. You might not be her father, but you were someone’s. See, I could tell.
THE LAST OF US S01E01: When You're Lost in the Darkness S01E05: Endure and Survive
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believeripley · 1 year
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Just Tommy Miller enjoying watching his nieces give his brother shit.
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nicostiel · 1 year
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THE LAST OF US
tv show / video game
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kenobiwanx · 1 year
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Joel and Sarah 🦋
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bluebeary-jay · 7 months
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Damage done
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Pre/No-outbreak!Joel Miller x f!Reader
Summary: during a fight with Joel, he unknowingly sends you into a panic attack caused by your previous experiences. he deeply regrets it. (based on this wonderful ask!)
Tags: heavy ANGST, hurt/comfort, angst with happy ending (there's also fluff), established relationship, petnames, soft!Joel (he's trying his best fr 🥺). Several years pre outbreak. please read the warnings carefully
Warnings: fighting, talk and mention about previous abusive relationship, panic attack, emotional distress, self-destructive thoughts
Word count: 4K
A/N: i wrote it partially based on experiences with my own panic attacks, but i know everyone's is different. if there's a warning i missed, please let me know. also i want this man to take care of me so much 😢 anyway, stay safe, darlings, and as always: happy reading and i hope you'll enjoy!! 💕 comments and feedback are greatly appreciated 😌
It had been a rough couple of weeks. Things at your work were rocky to say the least, what with your boss firing several people every week and cutting your salary. Joel didn’t have it much better – from what you understood, two clients suddenly canceled their order, and Tommy got himself thrown into jail, again, breaking his longest record to date. On top of that, little Sarah went down with some kind of flu that was raging in schools recently, and for the last two weeks one of you had to be home with her almost all the time.
So it was probably no wonder that the tension and stress became too much at one point, and you both snapped.
It was about the play at Sarah’s school.
“You promised her, Joel! She was talking about it for the entire week.”
“It’s not my fault we have to go out of town on this date,” he answered through clenched teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose and not looking up at you. “I tried to reschedule, but the commissioning party refused. I can’t help it, for fuck’s sake.”
You were glad Sarah wasn’t home right now to listen to your fight. You dropped her off earlier at her friend’s house because she wanted to practice lines for the play they were doing next week. The play that Joel was apparently planning to miss.
You adored Joel – god, you loved him with all that you had – but he could be so stubborn sometimes, it was driving you up the fricking wall.
“It’s your kid, Joel–”
“Yeah, it’s my kid!” he raised his voice, only now lifting his head. His stare was cold and hard, so unlike how he usually looked at you. “Not yours.”
“Are you kidding me?!” you shouted, hurt by his words and the tone he used. “I’ve been taking care of her, loving her– She is like a daughter to me!”
“But still not yours,” he repeated harshly. That was a low blow, especially when he told you so many times that you might not be Sarah’s biological mother, but it’s obvious you love her like she’s your own blood.
“You’re only saying that ‘cause you know I’m right,” you snarled angrily, and Joel huffed a humorless laugh.
“Of course. You always know better, dont’cha?” He stood up, towering over you, but you didn’t back down. If anything, it only made you more mad, as if he was doing this to intimidate you. “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible father in your eyes, but I have to think about earning money. Especially since it’s only a matter of time ‘till that asshole boss of yours will fire you, too.”
“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?! You really think so lowly of me to say it won’t be long until I get fired?”
“I don’t– Christ, you’re puttin’ words in my mouth again.”
“Again. Of course.” You spat out and took your sweatshirt from the couch, done with him and this conversation. “I’m going to my home,” you told him dryly. Joel’s nostrils flared and he took a step forward.
“No, you’re not.”
“Fuckin’ watch me,” you muttered under your breath, but loud enough for him to hear.
“We are not finished!!” Joel screamed, his booming voice echoing throughout the house.
It felt like a slap. In one second you froze, all your muscles seized up and a feeling of coldness gripped your heart and throat, sending panic flooding your veins. The sweatshirt you were holding slipped out from your stiff fingers.
Joel has never raised his voice at you like that. Never with such anger and fury. There was a bite to his tone that you couldn’t explain, but which you knew very well – the telltale sign that you went too far, and the other person’s patience was at an end, that now you were going to pay for it.
Your previous boyfriend taught you what it means. It meant bruises and split lips, and screaming when you started crying…
Joel noticed the shift in your behavior right away, and his anger immediately ebbed, replaced by confusion and concern.
“Darlin’?” he murmured the pet name, though it rolled off his tongue heavily and with difficulty.
He was still furious at you and your refusal to understand what he was going through, but it all died down when he saw how wide, how empty your eyes were. Your knees buckled, and you looked like you could fall down at any moment.
Joel didn’t have any idea what was happening with you – but knew that whatever it was, it was his fault.
You, in the meantime, felt like you couldn’t breathe. The man in front of you – you weren’t even sure anymore who that was – took a step forward with his hand lifted, and you quickly backed away, stumbling in the process.
“No! N-no, no, please, I’m sorry–” you started blabbering and sobbing, wrapping one arm around your middle to protect all the main internal organs. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–”
“No, you didn’t…”
“Please… I’m sorry, I swear,” you cried, trembling at this point, but not daring to escape the room. “I’ll be better, just don’t… Please, don’t…”
Joel’s heart broke when he saw you bursting into tears and trying to make yourself as small as possible. All his anger disappeared in a cloud of smoke, replaced by the overpowering need to comfort the girl he loved.
But you seemed so scared when he wanted to come closer… And he didn’t know how to proceed.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he repeated in an even softer tone, his eyebrows scrunching in worry. “Sweetheart… M’not gonna hurt you.”
He took another slow step forward, but that seemed to already be too much, because the trembling intensified and you practically slumped against the wall, one arm around your stomach, and the other squeezing your throat tightly. Joel feared to know the reason why you would do that to yourself.
“Stop, plea– I can’t– I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“No, it’s okay, my baby, it’s alright…”
He fell down to his knees next to you and reached to take you in his arms, but you started shaking your head violently, backing away and squirming out of his reach.
“No, no, please, I’m sorry! Don’t– don’t touch me!!”
A bile rose up in his throat, and he retreated his hands, holding them low in front of him to show he’s not going to do anything.
“It’s alright, babygirl,” he muttered chokingly, feeling completely helpless and lost about what to do. “You… you’re safe.”
You were crying uncontrollably now, though it seemed like you tried to stifle the never-ending sobs and tears flowing out of your eyes, in result making your entire body shake. You flinched – actually flinched – when Joel opened his mouth, and your fingers around your throat tightened their grip.
“No,” Joel said decisively, breaking your wish and grabbing your wrists, moving them away from your neck where red crescents started to form. “Baby, please, don’t.”
“Let go!!” It was hard to distinguish the words from between your cries, but the message your body language was conveying was clear as day. “No, don’t… me…” You sobbed again, quickly weakening despite your efforts. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“Come ‘ere,” Joel whispered in a voice full of pain, carefully shifting closer and wrapping his arms around you, though being careful not to make you feel too crowded or trapped. “Shhh… it’s Joel, darlin’, m’here.”
Surprisingly, you let him hold you – maybe it was just because you didn’t have strength to resist and fight back anymore, Joel thought, but maybe you recognized him. Maybe it was both. But the tears didn’t stop. No matter how gently he stroked your back or whispered reassuring words, you couldn’t seem to stop crying.
Several times in the next couple of minutes you tried to grasp your neck or arm again, but every time he delicately, though firmly, moved them away. You still babbled half-intelligible apologies and pleas, and each time your voice broke or hitched on another fearful word, Joel’s heart was shattering into a million pieces all over again.
“I’m sorry…” you sobbed again, trembling in his arms. “I’m sorry, don’t hurt me, p-please–...”
“My darlin’...” Joel held you closer and more securely in his arms, rocking you back and forth. “Sweetheart, my sweet, sweet girl… I’m never gonna hurt you, I swear.” He planted soft, delicate kisses on your hair. Even though he wanted to hug you tightly, to show you how much he loves and cares about you, he restrained himself and tried to keep his touch as gentle as possible. “I swear, my babygirl, m’sorry, so sorry for screamin’... Didn’t mean to.”
You were still crying, albeit weaker now, in his arms, clinging to him like your life depended on it. Joel could feel your nails digging themselves into the skin of his back, but it was the furthest thing on his mind – hell, he could start bleeding and still it wouldn’t be as important as comforting you at this moment. Better him than you.
“I love you s’much, my babygirl, my life,” Joel continued murmuring into the top of your head, feeling close to crying himself when your tears seemingly couldn’t stop flowing. “M’so sorry. I won’t ever hurt you like that again, I swear…”
His words, though full of love and compassion, rolled off you like water off a duck’s back, and you still couldn’t locate yourself, couldn’t tether your being to this world and make sense of the difference between what you knew should happen, and what was actually happening.
Your whole body was hurting, yes, but it wasn’t the pain of being repeatedly hit. You could barely hear your own cries, but it wasn’t because of vicious and cruel words being thrown at you. You knew it was Joel you were clinging to, and he never hurt you in this way, but… but you also were never so angry at each other. You never fought like this – and experience taught you that crossing that invisible line will carry certain consequences.
You weren’t angry now. You were scared. And confused.
“Joel,” you whimpered between gasps, struggling to breathe through your rapid sobs. “I’m sorry. Please, don’t– don’t go.”
“M’not leavin’ ya, babygirl.” He spoke into your hair, closing his eyes. “M’not goin’ anywhere.”
You were calming down a little now, the sobs wrecking your body and breaking Joel’s heart dying down, though you were still shivering. Joel continued to hold and soothe you the best he could.
And wondered who must’ve hurt his darling so much that you’d react so badly.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered after a while, sniffling into Joel’s chest, but trying not to get snots on his shirt. Joel sighed sadly, but his hold on you just tightened.
“No, babygirl, my darlin’...” He pressed his lips to your hairline, stroking your back with his other hand. “You have nothin’ to be sorry for, I swear. It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” you whimpered pitifully, unable to stop another wave of tears from falling. “I’m sorry I reacted like that. I know… Joel, I know you won’t hurt me. Baby, please.” You took his head in your hands, searching his eyes with fear painted across your face. “I’m so sorry, wasn’t thinking and…”
“Hey. Love, it’s fine.” He placed his own hands on your cheeks, stroking lightly your damp skin with his thumbs. “Don’t say that. M’not angry at you and would never be because of that. It’s… it’s okay.” He petted your hair, trying to relax for your sake, but his chest remained tight. “It’s gonna be okay, I promise.”
You nodded weakly, though you weren’t sure if you believed him. Joel swallowed heavily and nodded after a while, too.
“Okay. I… I’ll run you a bath,” he whispered, but you held his hand tighter and shook your head with tears gathering in your eyes again.
“No, no! Just s-stay with me, please.”
Joel took your face in his hands, but you closed your eyes, feeling too vulnerable and exhausted to even try to maintain eye contact.
“I’m here, baby. C’mon, just hold onto me.”
He waited until your arms were around his neck before slowly standing up and tucking you securely in his arms. You hid your wet face in the crook of Joel’s neck, breathing in his soothing smell and trying to calm your breathing, which you still found difficult.
Neither of you said anything when he took you to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet seat and started to fill the bathtub with water and soothing oils. You just watched him, wiping your nose every once in a while.
Still remaining silent, Joel extended his hand and helped you stand up. Then, almost with fearful hesitation, he touched the hem of your shirt, sending you a questioning look. You just nodded, not having strength to undress yourself, and lifted your arms, letting him take your clothes off.
You didn’t let go of his hand even after he guided you to sit in the tub. You couldn’t bear being alone with your thoughts right now, and Joel, being as wonderful of a man as he was, stayed by your side as the warmth from the water seeped through your tired bones.
Another several minutes passed before he finally asked the question that was gnawing at him since the very beginning. You must’ve subconsciously known it was coming, cause it didn’t even surprise you.
“Who was it?” he asked quietly. His hand was still caressing your palm with the gentlest of touches, but his eyes were like ice, full of hidden rage and hatred. “Who did this to you, darlin’?”
You wrapped your arms around yourself, not sure whether to answer or not. Ever since you got to know him, Joel has been nothing but kind and understanding, never pressuring you into doing or saying something you didn’t want… but you had a feeling he wasn’t going to let the matter drop.
And honestly, you were afraid to tell him. To admit how your previous relationship looked and what exactly happened to make you act so strongly about something so small. Because… what if he’ll realize how broken you are, how much effort it’d take to put up with you, and he’ll leave? Even if he was willing to take care of you, it was really unlikely that he’d stay – even if he says that now.
You were doing good until today. You managed to hide the issues you had with yourself and all the pain you carried inside, never letting Joel know that something was wrong with you. But now he… he will…
You didn’t want him to leave. He made your life so much better and you loved him to pieces with all your heart, as weak and broken as it was.
You couldn’t lose him.
“Oh, baby…” Joel’s hands cupped your cheeks so carefully and lovingly that you almost started weeping again. “M’not goin’ anywhere. I love ya so much. You’re never gonna lose me.”
You didn’t realize you said those words out loud, but even so, somehow his affirmations didn’t make you feel any better. You wanted them to comfort you, but if anything, they just made you feel sick.
“I’m afraid you’re gonna leave someday,” you whispered hoarsely, keeping your eyes on the slowly disappearing bubbles. “I know I’m being selfish, but I don’t want you to. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Joel. I…” Tears spilled from your eyes again and you shook your head. “I know I’m too much. And… and broken. And I know it sounds like I wanna guilt-trip you, but I’m not, I’m just–” You choked on a sob, and wrapped your arms tighter around yourself, hugging your knees to your chest. “I don’t– don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“Sweetheart, look at me, please.” Joel’s hands were rough to the touch, but so incredibly gentle when they guided you to meet his eyes, and a big pit formed in your stomach when you saw how they shone. He was on the verge of tears, too. “Don’t say things like that. Nothin’ is wrong with you. Who…” He sighed again. “Who made you believe such things?”
You didn’t answer at first, but Joel kept staring at you, and – finally – you relented.
“My previous boyfriend. The one I didn’t want to talk about. He– Look, I know he was a horrible person.” You let out a short laugh, but without any joy – or emotions altogether – in it. “And I hate him so much, but he… he was right. About some things.”
“He’s not.” Joel didn’t back down, feeling despair growing inside his chest as he saw the girl he adored with his whole heart put herself down like that. “You’re… fuck, you’re perfect, darlin’, and you didn’t deserve to be treated or talked to this way. M’so sorry it happened to you.”
He brushed some of your hair to the back and sighed silently. He seemed so lost and sad, it made you feel even worse.
“What can I do?”
That stopped the train of your thoughts, and you looked up.
“What?”
“What can I do?” he repeated softly. “To prove t’you that I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
Your lips parted, and you were unsure what to say. Joel took your hand in his, delicately tracing patterns on the back of it.
“Babygirl, listen to me. You’re the most precious thing t’me. I don’t care what this asshole told you, but… but none of this is true. And it’s not gonna drive me away from you. Nothin’ is gonna make me leave,” he repeated more firmly, never taking his eyes off you. “Because I love you. More than anythin’ else in the world”
Joel sounded so sincere and desperate, tugging at your heartstrings with his gentle, sad eyes and loving words. The water became cool some time ago, but your insides felt like they were on fire – as if the next breath you were about to take would be your last.
“I’m sorry for everything I said.” You took a shaky breath, trying to keep your voice steady. “I don’t think you’re a bad father. I think you’re the best and most amazing dad Sarah could ever ask for. I didn’t want…” You sniffed and your shoulders started to shake again with silent cries. “I didn’t want to hurt you, I’m so sorry, I didn’t–”
The sob that you tried to stop with all your might suddenly escaped you, and Joel’s forehead scrunched in worry. He pulled you closer, leaning over the edge of the bathtub. Neither of you concerned yourself with water dripping off your skin, only feeling relieved from each other’s closeness.
“I know, babygirl. M’not mad.” Joel left a lingering kiss on your tearstained cheek, and then a second one on your forehead. “I’m sorry, too. For how I acted and for–” he sighed heavily into your shoulder, “for shouting at ya.”
“You couldn’t have known,” you mumbled, but he shook his head.
“That’s no excuse. I shouldn’t ‘ave done it in the first place.” He relaxed in your arms, and somehow it made your muscles less tense, too. “I’ll see what I can do about that job. So that I can see Sarah’s play.”
You nodded and let your eyelids drop, giving in to the feeling of calm and security that always came with being with Joel.
“Can I sleep here tonight?” you asked quietly. You still were a little afraid that he’s going to turn you down after what happened, but you really didn’t want to stay alone. “With you?”
“‘Course you can. D’ya want to go now?”
You nodded again. Not bathing seemed like a big waste of water, but you didn’t feel strong enough to actually wash your body. And Joel didn’t pressure you – he just bent over and wrapped his strong arms around you, practically pulling you out of the tub by himself.
His clothes were completely soaked when he put you down and reached for the fluffiest towel you had, wrapping it around you like a little cocoon. He got rid of his wet shirt, kissed your head gently and, without a word, scooped you up into his arms again.
“I can stand,” you offered when he started walking towards the bedroom, forcing you to wrap your hands around his neck for support.
“I want to take care of you.”
“But your back pains…”
“I’m not that old yet, sweetheart,” he answered with a half-smile, slowing down and gazing into your eyes softly. “Let me take care of you.”
You brushed his cheek with your fingertips tenderly, eyes flickering across his face. “But you’re always taking care of everyone, Joel.”
His throat bobbed and he almost immediately looked away. It was clear what he was thinking – that according to himself, he wasn’t doing a good enough job. Because you got hurt. Because he was the one who unintentionally hurt you and sent you into a panic attack.
He was silent when he put you down on the bed with care, turning around to fetch one of his shirts from the closet. During this whole time you didn’t say anything, either. Your mind was still a little closed off from when you tried to separate yourself from the painful memories that started to haunt you, and despite Joel’s efforts, it was still difficult to move past the experience.
But your head snapped up when Joel, after helping you put the shirt on, knelt in front of you, took your hand in his and leaned forward to kiss your knee gently.
“M’sorry,” Joel whispered with pain tinging his deep voice. “I’m sorry for sayin’ all those things about you and Sarah. I know you love her.” He pressed his lips to your knee again, and lifted his head, revealing how misty his own eyes were, which in turn made your heart ache even more. “My sweet girl. I swear I won’t ever hurt you again.”
“You didn’t hurt me,” you answered quietly, but Joel shook his head and took a deep breath.
“What can I do?” he repeated his question from earlier, and this time you knew exactly what you needed him for.
“Can you… can you hold me?”
Without missing a beat, Joel raised from his position and enveloped you in his embrace, making you feel safe and protected like never before. You sighed heavily, breathing in his scent and feeling like just by touching you with such love that only he was capable of, he helped you to lift some invisible load from your shoulders.
Despite the headache from all the crying and your chest still tightening with every shallow breath you took, you felt a little better now. You didn’t feel alone.
You knew you were safe with Joel.
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It took some time for you to fall asleep, but even when you did, Joel could not find peace in the silky darkness of the evening.
Before you dozed off, Joel vowed again and again how much you mean to him, how you and Sarah are the best things that ever happened to him, and how he’ll never let anything happen to any of you – and he could clearly see that you believed his every word, and that you weren’t mad at him. You weren’t flinching when he rocked you back and forth, or later when he pressed small kisses to your forehead.
But you still were quiet and your face miserable, and several times Joel tucked you in closer to himself when he felt you shaking and sniffing. There wasn’t anything else he could do but hold you and whisper soothing promises into your hair. Once your eyelids started to drop, he began humming a familiar melody he knew you liked, and you nuzzled your face into his neck, curling up in his embrace.
And you whispered ‘I love you’ before you drifted off to an uneasy sleep in his arms. And before he could even answer, you thanked him for loving you.
When he heard it, he had to keep himself from breaking down with the last bit of his strength.
“You mean everythin’ to me, love. Everythin’,” he murmured after a couple of seconds, not even knowing if you were still awake. The guilt in his chest made it hard to breathe, but he pushed through it, and then he softly kissed your forehead, making a promise to himself.
He will find time to go to Sarah’s play with you. And he’ll make it right.
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amchapel · 1 year
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Joel killing the infected old lady and Sarah’s horrified reaction vs. Joel killing that military dude and Ellie lighting up like the Fourth of July
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parkjammys · 1 year
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confirmed: Pedro is the ultimate girl dad
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mcbride · 1 year
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THE LAST OF US 1.01 When You’re Lost In The Darkness + tweets
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pedrohub · 1 year
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The Last of Us 1x01 || The Last of Us 1x08
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buckypascal · 1 year
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She likes the idea of somebody defending her like that...
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She would've liked you.
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