#sarah this is not @ uou and i dont want you to worry

[hollyhomburg]

My biggest pet peeve is officially people who make me make all the decisions about planning things. I am literally the most go with the flow person, but I cannot be the person deciding things or elce I will spend the whole time wondering if the other person is having fun and then I won’t have fun at all. and I’ll just sit through whatever we’re doing while going into an anxious spiral about makeing sure they’re happy spending time with me and be convinced they had the worst time ever by the time it’s done. And I just end up exhausted from my anxiety and not recharged at all.

[noskyatall]

ohhhh my god sarah i fucking need you come back it's been 8 months youre still my fp youre still my everything i cant fucking do this i am so alone right now but i also just dont want anyone or anything at all i spoke to you in mid may it's the beginning of august now it's probably been enough time and i can probably email you again but i'm not allowed to say anything negative and nothing is even vaguely okay right now so i have nothing i can say and you don't want to hear from me anyway i have one appointment that i can make with you because i was an idiot and used one up a month after i was discharged and we stopped seeing each other i can say whatever i want in that appointment one hour to see you again to sit with you and talk to you the last one was magical we talked like friends and you asked me at one point if i was comfortable with how we were using the hour and i said it was exactly what i'd always wanted i could do that again but it'll be the last time i can ever see your face and i'm not ready to see you for the last time i can call or email i could do that now but i have nothing positive to say i just need to speak to you again you were always there you always went above and beyond i'm reading over all our emails again and again and i can't believe how lucky i was to know you i wonder if you still think of me i wonder if you're forgetting me i'd forget me in seconds you sounded so happy to hear my voice when we last spoke on the phone you said you believe in me when we last emailed i screenshotted your reply and it was my home screen until a few weeks ago when my cousin told me it was unhealthy and forced me to change it i don't care if it's unhealthy you saved my life but you saved it just to leave it you know i didn't want it i still have the email i wrote and didn't send on christmas eve four days after our last session it's mean, it's cruel, it's selfish and the stuff about being "different" i know that was stupid i know you broke the rules for me a lot but no way could you break the biggest you had to stop being my therapist and you didn't have control over that but i will never forget asking you in that last session, as we were both crying, after two hugs and before a third, if it's always like this when you lose a client if it always hurts like this and if so, how do you do it and you looked at me and shook your head and said it's never like this it's never like this was i different i was different did you actually care about me was it not just your job (No subject) [Draft] This message hasn't been sent. Saved on: Sat 2016-12-24 10:26 PM i knew it i knew that one day of tears wouldnt be it i knew youd be my first thought the second alcohol hit my tongue i fucking knew it i knew my brain wouldnt let you go i knew from the second my heart jumped when i looked at you you fucking took over my heart you took over everytbing youre eveything sarah i need you back i need you nezt to me where the fuck did you go why did yougo why would you leave me why epuld you go i need you sarah never again am i going to see you through that window see your fce light up you said it wasnt like this every time im different you said im different you said im not like any client youve had ou told me im different you told me you care about me that youre never going to forget me that youre always going to think of me are you lying are you lying will you think of me will you remember me you said i cant tell you anything bad that i cant ask for help or support but when i die im going to email you im goinv to trll you and im goinv to askyou to come to my funeral i hope you come ineed you there thats the only way i can die in peace i fucking need you beaide me right now im alone i forced myself to be alone im glad i did i dony want anyone i dont een want you i dont want anything but i need you god fucking dammit i need you i hate you for leaving me when you said you wouldnt "i didnt leave for eight months" yeah BUT THEN YOU DID THEN YOU LEFT YOU WALKED AWAY YOU CRIED WITH ME AND YOU STILL LEFT YOU HUGGED ME A REAL ONE A REAL HUG NOT THE ONE YOU HAD TO GIVE YOU SQUEEZED ME TIGHT AND YOU LISTENED TOVME AND YOU FELT HOW MUCH I FUCKING CARED AND YOU LEFT DONT LEAVE DONT LEAVE I BEGGED YOU I KEPT SAYING IT OVER AND OVER AND I KNOE YOU HEARD ME NONONONONONNO NO NO NO DONT LEAVE PLEASE PLEASE OH MYGOD OH MY HOD OH MY GOD YOU HEARD ME FUCK YOU YOU FICKING HEARD ME YOU DONT CARE YOU LEFT FUCK YOU IF IM DIFFERENT WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME THE SAME I DONT FUCKING CARE IF THATS FUCKED UP I DONT CARE IF IM NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT FUCK UOU FUCK OFF YOU SAID I WAS DIFFERENY TREAT ME DIFFERENT TREAT ME DIFFETENT FUCKING BE HERE FOR ME FUCKIG KEEP YOUR PROMISE I HATE YOU HOW DARE YOU HOW DARE YOU OH YMG OD YOU FUCKING LEFT THIS IS NOT HAPPRNING THIS IS HAPPENING YOURE THE REASON THIS IS HAPPENING IF YOU HAD JUST NEVER EXISTED MAYBE ID BE DEAD BY NOW MAYB YOU WOULD HAVE LET ME DIE YOU EOLDNT LRT ME YOU KEPT ME HERE YOU KEPT ME HERE YOUKEPT ME HERE AND THEN YOU LEFT YOU PUSHED ME OFF ONTO EVERYONE ELSE YOU DID YOUR JOB AND NOW YOURE DONE YOU WASHED YOUR HANDS OF ME AND YOUVE BLOCKED ME OFF I BET THAT WAS A RELIEF YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY AGAIN ITS NOT THAT FUCKING EASY FOR ME IM STUCK HERE YOU MADE ME STAY AND I STAYED YOU STOOD THRTE AND YOLD ME TO STAY ALIVE YOU BEGGED ME TO KEEP GOING AND I DID I DID FUCK YOU I DID IT I DID IT I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY I MISS YOU I MISS UOU i miss you sarah i miss you so much i need you i cant do this anymore i typed that email in december it's august i lived until august just found two emails i sent to you on december 16th at 7:39am four days before our last session i hadn't slept at all, i was panicking and crying all night sarah its too much. its all too much. im drowning in this its too much for me i cant handle anything its too strong im losing im fucking scared sarah im scared dont leave i cant fucking do this without you i cant do this no matter what but it hurts less when youre near it hurts less with you please you mean so much please get me out please i cant take this i dont know whats going t ohappen i dont know what to do sarah i dont know what to do im hurting it hurts and it never stops i dont get a moment away from the thoughts or the feelings or the anger or the fear its all too much i cant dothis anymore i cant do this anymore i need out i need to leave this is endless this is endless im going t die theresno point an hour later - 8:36am im so sorry dont call im sorry i cantmake it through a call and if you call my parents will know theydont even know that im awake or that i haven't slept i mso sorry for my words you must have called me, because in your next email you send me a cope ahead plan outline and you tell me that i did really well on the phone and tell me to take good care of myself and that you'll see me on tuesday tuesday 20th our last session i fucking need you i want to be gone