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unrestedjade · 3 years

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More baseless Ferengi headcanons no one asked for: LATINUM EDITION~~~

- Almost every home is a rental, as almost all usable land is corporate-owned. Might as well daydream about owning a moon, it's no less realistic than owning the house you grew up in. (No I'm not frustrated with my $1500 rent at all, no I'm not miserable watching 40-year-old trailer homes selling for $250k to a property management firm that's going to rent it out. Surely a place like Ferenginar wouldn't be equally ridiculous, hahahahahahahahHAHAHAHA. Ahem.) - Latinum as religious fetish. We see Quark offering slips of latinum while he prays to the Blessed Exchequer before bed. He even has a little shrine. What's unclear is whether you're meant to reuse the same slips each day or if you have to actually "give up" the latinum over the longer term for the offering to count. You can break a piggy bank, but it's probably bad to break an image of the Exchequer, unless he's very chillaxed compared to the majority of gods. - Assuming really giving up the latinum is better, is destroying it extra good? Or are you sinning by removing it from the Continuum? Are there Ferengi extremist sects that sink latinum into bogs or launch it into a star?

- What do they think and feel about latinum with regards to the Exchequer? What does a god need with it? Is it meant to be his lifeblood, figuratively? Or literally, via transubstantiation? (Catholic Ferengi. Cathipitolists.)

- How was latinum treated in the days before they knew to process it with gold so it could be handled safely? It's very pretty and ethereal-looking in its raw form, and also very, very toxic. Depending on the symptoms of latinum poisoning, I wonder if it had anything to do with it gaining religious significance? Ancient Ferengi priests seeing visions and going a little funny in the head from handling raw latinum for years and years?

- The way Quark and Brunt talk about taxes in S7 suggests there's not a lot of taxation in Ferengi society (officially, anyway. idk what else you'd call their ubiquitous bribes/tips than unofficial taxation). In any case, since one of the major purposes of taxation in modern economies is to control inflation by removing money (governments create/destroy money; they don't really keep a little checkbook register of surplus/deficit the way a household does) offering latinum to the Exchequer as an act of worship could be a good way to take money out of circulation for a while. - Latinum vs fiat money? Latinum is canonically used as coinage by multiple species. (It would seem like Ferengi are putting themselves at a bit of a disadvantage by also attaching a spiritual importance to it, but who knows, and this is a tangent on a tangent.) Is all their money backed by latinum? It can't be, right? Just conceptually, their stock markets and banks can't possibly be tying every value in every account to a real, physical measure of latinum, that's horribly inefficient. Can "latinum" also mean any legitimate liquid asset? Or does the Exchequer insist on the real thing? Much to ponder. - Brunt implies in Family Business that Ferenginar has houseless people and beggars. There's no point in begging if no one ever gives you anything, so some people must give charity to beggars. What's that look like, is it something kind-hearted Ferengi do in spite of the RoA explicitly stating that charity is only acceptable when you come out richer than you started? What's their rationalization in that case? Are they left feeling shameful about it? (Obviously the people stuck begging feel shitty, by design. Ironically, they might feel less shitty than we would, since the Exchequer doesn't appear to care how you get money, only that you get it.) - If you're moved to give money/material aid to a needy person, you'd probably do it quietly. Here in the good ol' US of A a common view is that "hand-outs" hurt the needy person in the long run because you're removing their impetus to stop being lazy sponges. And that's from people who follow a religion that commands them to care for the needy! So it's gotta be even harsher under a religion that's completely mask-off in its worship of individual prosperity. - (You just know Keldar was one of those people tossing a few slips of latinum for someone sleeping under a shop awning each morning. His business sense sucked but Ishka made him sound like a warm person. Folks gotta eat.) - Reincarnation... Alright, so if you were a dude and you die broke it's implied you can't reincarnate/are damned to the Vault of Eternal Destitution. Cool and fair, nothing to unpack there. What about women? They're half the population but seem to have been overlooked on this point in this here 10k-year-old religion. Which is telling in itself, of course, but you'd think someone would have addressed this? Who reincarnates female? Is the accepted understanding that females reincarnate female and are totally removed from the requirement to bid on their life? But that still doesn't solve the problem, because even if reincarnation were assigned-sex-segregated (god what a shitty idea, compels me tho) you're still losing X number of men to the Vault each generation. - I want to see what Ferengi religious debates look like. Pel is shown to be a serious scholar of the RoA as they've dug into not only the text itself but all the commentaries and refutations and deep-dives others have published about it. That's gotta fuel some spicy convo around the tongo table once everyone's a few drinks in. - Are there multiple sects? People arguing whether this or that rule is meant to be taken literally vs as metaphor? Everyone can't be in lockstep on this stuff. Quark seems to have been raised within the currently-hegemonic sect, but surely there's others.

- There don't appear to be any clergy or equivalent persons, so I wonder if there's different sects how they organize themselves? Do they host different subs on Ferengi Reddit? (Ferengi Reddit...shudder) - Ferengi atheists slacking at work or living as drifters because there's no point saving money for a next life that's not real. Life must drive them to drink. That's when you go out into space to live with the sane people and never call home.

- Is the rest of the population chill with atheists, or is that a no-go? I guess it would depend on how loud the person is and whether they follow the Rules or not.

- You know who they're definitely not chill with: socialists. Do they have Satanic Panics about this or that media turning the youth into commies? If you're an outspoken socialist, are you looking at exile? Arrest? An unexpected date with an Eliminator? - Conspicuous consumption seems to be a thing, and it's interesting in light of the whole "needing a good high score for a good reincarnation" idea. It still boils down to showing off how much you can afford to waste, but the stakes are undoubtedly higher for the faithful. - If something happens and you're at risk if losing everything, is it safer to just off yourself while you still have money? What if you're going to lose more than you'd ever be able to make back? (In economics this is called a perverse incentive lulz)

- The Great Monetary Collapse must have suuuuucked. It's the Great Depression x100, and also your god is mad at you, maybe??? And your next life is totally screwed now, too. Fuckin' dire, man. When Quark mentioned it in the show, it was with this flippant air like he was waiting to see how Miles and Julian reacted. He might have elaborated more if they hadn't reacted...the way he probably assumed they would. (Partially a self-fulfilling prophecy given the way he primed them to treat it as a joke, but I digress.) - Suicide rates are measurably higher in societies that elevate achievement and work ethic (see the Protestant vs Catholic divide on this, it's interesting and very depressing as a lapsed protestant in a protestant-dominated country). Just saying. - On this same bummer track: hedonic depression could be very commonplace among Ferengi. Every minute not spent working is spent on distraction because life is just such an exhausting grind, and a lot of factors determining whether you're a good/successful person are out of your control. Booze, porn, and gambling are all very distracting, and thus very popular. If a lot of this just sounds like regular degular capitalism: yes. It's actually proving difficult to push the fictional society further out because we're already living beyond satire. Maybe that's why I like these awful little guys so much. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

#star trek #ferengi #meta #meta being a generous term for me making shit up because that's just how i party #i got halfway through the virtue of selfishness for the first time since i was 14 just for this #couldn't make myself power all the way through but i think the depth of my ardor should be proven anyway #suicide mention #because their society is an ancap hellscape

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meduseld · 3 years

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Okay so I'm thinking about Fear Street AUs, because I'm a sane person. And honestly? As interesting as a game of thrones or dune au are, they don't exactly fit Fear Street.

Star Wars does though. Imagine Satan or Solomon as Palpatine. Nick is Anakin.

Ziggy is Padme but she doesn't die from sadness.

Cindy is Leia.

YES.

Especially with the whole bloodline issue/obsession/theme and the idea of dark and light side and being stuck to one, and the questions about redemption being possible or only achievable through death. And the high key melodrama of it. And the doomed/forbidden love affairs. I actually think they might fit an earlier version of the world better, like the Republic, since they're hidden in plain sight and such. Nick might be a better fit for Palpatine since he was the one "unmasked" and such. Anakin falls, but Nick was born fallen.

Y'know I always hated the Rey Palpatine twist for a ton of reasons, not limited to me being happy that finally a "nobody" was the powerful one instead of someone from an established Force family. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut What if reworked by good writers for her parents to basically be Nick and Ziggy and amp up that whole "your family was evil siths the whole time?!" factor.

Also, Deena is such a Han lol, and I can see Leia Sam too.....

#fun tho

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unhingedsea · 4 years

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MeEt THe MusEs

‘Red’ Wadanohara.

This is the main muse of the blog, that has gone through a lot over the years. From starting off leaving off from where the game left off, now fully on the Red Sea side and everything, and being fine with all her previous friends and those she protected, suffering in pain, as she saw it as good for the Sea, and was now the right thing to do.

Over time, the corruption sunk deeper and deeper into her, which resulted in more change into Wadanohara, making it harder for her to be cured, but it also lead to her first proper stages of being a complete and utter broken mess. See, Wadanohara isn’t basically sane, she’s a devoted follower and giver of the Red Sea sure, as she’s corrupted many among her path, along with left her mark on many. But with more time that passes, and the more that happens to Wadanohara, the more the corruption sinks into her, and the more deranged she has become.

She was already sick to begin with, from using people for experiments to help further her ideals on breaking people down, to getting help from other evil people, one such in Jeanne, who helped her make a mutant megaladon shark in Samael. To corrupting and abusing others, there are many horrific tales that she has done, and will continue to do.

But over time, things happen to her, things change, people change, people change her, which has lead to where she is now. A broken mess, still following the Red, but now she seems to have split into a few forms that are ‘colours’ the known colours are of course:

TheBlueOne.

This one is the ‘happy go lucky’ type of Wada, and follows a ‘her’ as if she is scared of her, as if if she doesn’t go with her word, that she’ll be hurt so badly. This version promotes the idea of being goodie woodies, instead of being baddie waddies. As if she is some host of Blues clues, but more demented and unnerving. So it’s easy to tell, while she promotes good, that good, is far from good at all.

The....Green...One...

This one it’s much harder to tell if she is good, or if she is evil. One thing is for sure, is that she also is scared of ‘she’ but most of the time, this one is more the sort to relax, or try to keep things calm, or not get involved in too much. As if this is more the carefree Wada at best. Along with the ‘weed smoking’ or seeming like a stoner.

hEr

mISs ReDdY.

Simply put, she’s the one with no holding back, no questions ask, she speaks little, and lets her actions speak for themselves. Those actions being more than likely something deadly and dangerous. Safe to say, please stay away from this one at all costs.

AU VERSIONS.

BlueReturn.

This is a set story that has been going on for a while on the blog, where it’s set after she has been cured, and has been spending many years working on herself, working on every single regret and paying back the damages she has done, along with trying to fix what is even left of the sea. All the while also trying to accept, and go forward with what has been established already because of her time in Red.

Vampire Wada: Vampnohara.

This verse is easy to explain, in that it’s Red Wadanohara as a vampire. Where she wanted more power, and went and became a vampire, which somehow resulted in her gaining some of her sanity back, but she’s still a very devoted follower of the Red.

Great Satan Wadanohara.

This Wadanohara went ahead and took over Pitch Black, again wanting more power, this being a more out there kind of AU then normal, which still needs some developments, but it’s simple to explain that she’s a devil now, and pretty much made her followers, the ones she really likes Red forever.

OCS.

This is where the OCs that have been established on the blog are. We start off with the Red familiars that are like the Red counterparts to her current familiars Samekichi, Memoca, Dolphi. Minus Fukami, as he became Red.

Samael the mutant megaladon shark. The counterpart to Samekichi

Made with the help of Jeanne, and was mainly made to have something truly terrifying under her, because of course Red Wada would have curiousity in dangerous and monsterus sea creatures, so why not make your own, but it was a time where she wasn’t seeing Sal a lot, and Samekichi bored her, so she thought why not make her own shark, and giant of a shark, standing at 12ft 4inches.

Helmi, the bobbit worm mix with a mind control parasite. The counterpart to Memoca.

On surface, Helmi might look like a cute idiot. But she can be truly terrifying. Ever watched the film Tremors? Just imagine that, but Helmi swimming through many of the dead, popping out a chest of a dead body like a facehugger from Alien. Using her sharp teeth among other things to bite onto you and just have her feast.

When Red Wada found her, she was given eyes and a brain, so a lot of things are very new to her.

Dolphi/2pi, the albino doppelganger of Dolphi, and her counterpart.

75% Albino Dolphi

10% Sal.

15% Box Jellyfish.

Made for the sole purpose of taking everything away from the original. Which on Wada’s part, seems a bit silly and stupid. Since she just left her to do as she pleases after. Meaning this new Dolphi, pretty much had to deal with all of this herself. From believing she is who she is, while having flashing memories of ‘her’ past, along with being put into dangerous situations/used as bait, and dealing with all of that. Along with wanting her masters affection, even though she hates her too. Yeah, it’s a lot to take in her.

But with her Sal side, she can be very clingy, and won’t let you go, and would go the distance to make you hers if you are not careful. So it’s best to keep her out of the Red, or try to not get too close. Her hands are very poisonous, and will let off poison if spooked.

Klowni, the somewhat robotic angry as shit clownfish.

Klowni has a very sad backstory. She was deformed from her eye hanging out of her socket, and kicked out of her family, which just left the seeds of hate to grow and grow deep inside of her. Wada saw this, and wanted to make it grow further, along with letting her do as she pleases to anyone that she wishes. Giving her extras and such to do such. Letting her be able to take revenge as she sees fit, being the one who does Wada’s experiments, loving the screams that some make, though would quickly try to shut them up and yell cursedly at them.

Wada’s kids with the three Mercs.((Laurentia, Ver, Ven.))

Laurara Child of Laurentia/Wada

Laurara seems to be one or maybe two of the good ones. As if the tiny bit of Blue left within Wadanohara went into her egg, which resulted in who she is today. That, along with the training to be princess like she got from Wada, and Princess Mikotsu. Though, that left her developing a split personality, where if triggered, her more Red Side would come out, and would become very violent. She’s also the one, hoping one day, her moms, could go back to normal. Along with the sea itself.

Valen. Child of Ven/Wada

Valen is a mixed bag, as while he does want the sea to go back to normal, something...Just seems off from him. Doesn’t help that he was trained as a kid, which just left him bruised and battered. Which just caused him to grow up distant. With the only one he can really trust, is his sister, Laurara.

Valerie. Child of Ver/Wada

The more dangerous of the three, a complete follower of the Red Sea of death. One whom is very manipulative, and will result to many ways in order to get their wish. Just think Wada, but more sane, hell think of the Joker, and way more sane, but still able to control people in a way that benefits him. Valerie is also refereed to they/them.

#Meeting the muses

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yanjuniverse · 5 years

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First Kiss - Fan Chengcheng/Huang Justin Imagine

Fan Chengcheng would like to get one thing straight before he starts things off: he is not a pervert. He doesn’t want anyone to listen to whatever the hell Justin Huang has to say - the kid probably still wets the bed. So what if he can’t peel his eyes away from the television screen during sex scenes or the out right whine he lets out when Ziyi skips through them. So what if he can’t help it if he pauses for a moment in the doorway when he catches his two bandmates in a steamy make out session on the couch (if they don’t want to be caught, they would’ve taken it somewhere else, right?).

He’s 19, dammit. Let him be curious.

It’s not his fault that he’s never laid his lips upon anyone else’s except maybe his little cousins who find the need to always leave snotty kisses on his face and the cute puppies that come in and out of his dorm. It’s not his fault that he spent the first half of his life in hiding and the second part training to be an idol. He’s just never found the time to go out and look for romance. He has an excuse to be the way he is.

So yeah, maybe he is a little jealous when he finds out his band leader Zhu Zhengting gets to mess around with the Cai Xukun. Maybe he is a little irritated when he sees Zhangjing sneak a kiss to Yanjun. But the one thing he will admit to being angry about is when Justin comes bounding into their room talking about how he had his first kiss when he was only ten years old.

Ten is a bit too young, Chengcheng thinks. Ten year olds should be worried about crayons and action figures and barbie dolls - not kissing. And the sudden outburst of information makes Zhengting, who is in their room for once and not with Xukun, all but choke on his drink.

“Why the sudden confession?” Zhengting asks.

“Because Linong told me that one of us in this room still hasn’t had their first kiss,” he smirks, eyes evilly pointed towards Chengcheng, who instantly feels his stomach fall out of his ass.

“Chengcheng?” Fuck, Chengcheng really hates when Zhengting uses that voice with him. Usually, he ends the conversation with pinched red cheeks and messy hair. “You’ve never had your first kiss?” Zhengting coos. “Aw, baby!”

“I’m not a baby!” he cries out. “And who the hell are you to be spreading my business like this?” he points his finger accusingly at Justin.

“You’re the one who always goes around calling me a virgin!” Justin fights back, once again causing Zhengting to squeal.

“Fan Chengcheng!” he gasps.

“Well he is!” Chengcheng rolls his eyes.

“He should be!” Zhengting snaps. Justin is only seventeen and the last thing Zhengting wants his seventeen year old son to be doing is sinning.

“At least I had my first kiss!” Justin teases again, sticking his tongue out.

Chengcheng decides that he’s had enough and jumps down from his top bunk on an actual mission to kill Justin (he means it this time. He can do prison time. Him and Linkai watched a Youtube video on how to make a knife out if a toothbrush last week and he’s sure he could use his status as Fan Bingbing’s little brother to his advantage in prison. He’s watched enough Orange is the New Black for this. He’s ready). But before he can, Justin is running down the hall screaming for Ziyi (the one person Chengcheng is sure could kick his ass and wouldn’t regret it) and Zhengting is high tailing it behind the rest of them to make sure his children don’t get blood on the carpets he just had deep cleaned at the beginning of the week.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, where’s the fire?” Ziyi asks as Justin ducks behind him.

“Let me kill him! We could sacrifice him to the gods! He’s a fucking virgin and that has to go for something!” Chengcheng shouts from behind Xukun, who had also come out from his room to see what all the noise is about, as if it’s the most sane thing in the world to say.

“I’m a child of God!” Justin retorts. Chengcheng knows he’s not. Justin just wants to make the others feel bad for him. I mean, if a little church boy came screaming devil to you, who would you believe? “I’ve made a promise of abstinence! You haven’t even-“

“Shut up!” Chengcheng yells.

“What the hell is going on?!” Yanjun groans, eyes piercing as he opens the door of his and Zhangjing’s room. Chengcheng wants to scoff because Yanjun hasn’t been the least bit intimidating to him since he found out his favorite past time is singing Baby Shark to Zhengting’s dogs - what a fucking Virgo.

“Can’t we just put these two up for adoption already?” Zhangjing leans his head against the door. “I’m willing to pay the fee. We can easily drop them off in a box too at a church if it comes to it.”

“We are not putting my kids up for adoption,” Zhengting snaps. “If my kid goes, so does yours.”

“Like we’d give up Linong,” Zhangjing snorts, pulling the younger into his arms and rubbing his hair. “Right? We all love Nongnong!”

“Hello!” Justin is screaming again. “Are we all just going to ignore the fact that Chengcheng sits here and calls me a virgin all the time but he hasn’t even kissed somebody before!”

And, oh yeah, Chengcheng almost forgot that’s why they’re all having a meeting in the middle of the hallway.

His eyes immediately are set ablaze again. A look of realization crosses Linong’s face as Linkai all but crumbles to the ground in a fit of laughter.

“Two virgins,” he whispers. Two virgin sacrifices might just get him the Nintendo Switch he’s been begging Zhengting for for months.

Before he can jump, Zhengting and Xukun pull him back and shove them into the room all while Justin is laughing wickedly from the other side of the door.

“Cheng,” Zhengting sighs, rubbing his temples. He’s too young to be getting worry lines, he tells himself as Chengcheng throws himself onto Xukun’s bed. “You cannot threaten to sacrifice people.”

“Well why not?” he snipes. “You let Justin and Linong get away with everything! Just admit it,” he crosses his arms, “you like to pick favorites.”

“I don’t-“

“Yes you do,” Xukun replies as he falls onto Ziyi’s now unoccupied bed. “You pick Justin over Chengcheng all the time.”

Chengcheng gestures towards the boy wildly. “See! Told you!” he says.

Zhengting shuts his eyes. “Maybe it’s because they don’t threaten human sacrifice every time something doesn’t go their way, you Satanic spawn.”

“Have you even read up on Satanism? It’s not as scary as you think.”

Zhengting only blinks at him. For a second, he ponders going down this road and talking to Chengcheng about weird conspiracies that sometimes leave the younger one so shaken, he has to crawl into bed with him or else he’ll get nightmares. But Zhengting takes one glance at Xukun and remembers that he has to punish him for defying him (or tickle him until he screams mercy and deny him kisses until he’s on his knees before the older and kissing other-)

“Ge!” Zhengting shakes his head and looks back at Chengcheng. Ugh, why can’t these children just behave long enough for him to get some decent loving around here? Zhengting looks back and forth between the two before Chengcheng huffs, blowing his bangs out of his eyes. “Are you seriously going to punish me? Justin was the one who told everyone my deepest darkest secret. I haven’t even told anyone about that one time we-“ Chengcheng stops suddenly as Zhengting gives him an expectant look.

“We?” he raises his eyebrows.

Chengcheng shakes his head before he tells Zhengting about the one time when he was seventeen and Justin was fifteen and they snuck into a nightclub. He may be mad but not mad enough to kill the captain of the ship as well. “Not the point. The point is that you’re yelling at me when we should be yelling at him!” he cries out, deflating against Xukun. “You’re my favorite parent now.”

“I think I’ll pass,” he grimaces, pushing Chengcheng away.

The youngest one pouts and stands up. “I hate this family. I’m going to tell Wenjun to take me back. Tell him I was lying when I said this new family is was better than the old one because we don’t have to deal with Zeren’s bullshit here.” Chengcheng turns on his feet, waiting for Zhengting to protest and call him dramatic. He stands at the door and wonders why he hasn’t said anything only to turn back and see Xukun crawling next to Zhengting in bed. Whores, he rolls his eyes before leaving.

Chengcheng decides then that he’s had enough embarrassment for the day. He’s not sure where Justin has gone but he does notice that his shoes are missing along with Ziyi’s when he passes the door on his way to the kitchen. He stalks up on some snacks and leaves back to his room, already thinking up ways to have Wenjun take him back in the Yuehua dorm (that he may or may not have gotten banned from after he set the microwave on fire - now that’s a whole other story for another day).

He settles down on his bunk and groans.

So what if he hasn’t had his first kiss? He thinks everyone should stop normalizing first kisses at such a young age.

He thinks about it a moment more then turns his head to the side to stare at the blank white wall, popping another chip into his mouth.

Maybe Xinchun is right - maybe Chengcheng is too picky.

He stays like that for a while, staring at the wall with crumbs littering his shirt and bed. He thinks about a lot of things while laying there - like the time he was in Korea for New Years and almost got to kiss Zhengting at the stroke of midnight just because the older was a little too tipsy. Or all the times he skipped out on playing spin the bottle and instead of kissing Zeren that one time, he popped him in the mouth with the rubber band on his wrist. He thinks about how many people have called him beautiful and told him they wanted more than a friendship and he chose not to pursue them.

He’s not sure what he’s scared of - he’s no stranger to heartbreak or rejection.

Somewhere around eight, Justin comes bounding into the room again. Chengcheng thinks for a moment - wonders if he should jump up and put him in a choke hold or throw him out the window. But instead, he sees the younger one dancing happily to the beat of his own drum and watches him grab some clothes and a towel before leaving again.

Rude, he thinks. Can’t you acknowledge your gege?

Chengcheng has known Justin since Justin was fourteen and he was sixteen. He remembers that he stayed in his family’s hotel a little before Justin left to Korea.

He still remembers meeting him in the arcade. The young boy with his natural dark hair was walking around the arcade when he stopped in front of where Chengcheng was playing basketball and laughed.

“Maybe you should stick to your day job,” he snickered as Chengcheng missed another shot.

“Shut up,” Chengcheng snorted just as the machine went off - his game is over. Chengcheng frowned, knowing his that was the last bit of his coins and sighed.

But, as if Justin could read his mind, he pulled a key out from his pocket and crouched down in front of the machine, opening the box where all the quarters would fall to and fished out a whole handful. “Here,” he smiled. Chengcheng remembers giving him a weird look before Justin said, “Don’t worry. My parents own all of this. I do it all the time.” He handed him the coins and then took a step back. “I’m Minghao but you can call me Justin.“

“Chengcheng,” he replied. “Fan Chengcheng.”

“Well Fan Chengcheng, let’s keep in touch. You owe me a favor now!” Justin said.

They had switched numbers and Chengcheng kept in touch. He rooted for Justin when Justin went to Korea, he comforted him when he came back to China, he joined his company when Justin suggested it and now, they’re in two bands together.

He thinks may he sees Justin too often. Maybe that’s what keeps him from actually killing the younger boy. Chengcheng still remembers how Justin would always call him an “angsty teenager” because all Chengcheng used to do was complain.

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about. Your sister is Fan Bingbing, you’re rich, you’re not that bad to look at and you’re best friends with the one and only Huang Minghao,” he had told him somewhere in the beginning of their friendship.

He knows he shouldn’t complain. He has a life that many people dream of and yet, he can’t help but feel saddened by the fact that he’s never gotten the chance to experience a normal life.

Maybe I am an angsty teenager, he thinks as he sits up for the first time in hours, watching all of the crumbs from his shirt litter the bed. He’ll just sleep in Zhengting’s tonight then complain about it tomorrow when the older comes looking for clothes.

“You look so sad,” Justin chuckles from the doorway, shaking a towel on his wet hair.

“There are crumbs on my bed,” he says.

Justin blinks. “Okay?” Chengcheng just shrugs and stands up, staring at his sheets a while longer. Justin sighs and walks over, using his towel to swat the remnants onto the floor. “Better?” he asks.

“I was gonna make Zhengting to it-“

“Well,” Justin shrugs. They’re silent for another beat. It grows awkward until Justin groans. “What’s even wrong with you?”

Chengcheng isn’t sure how to respond. What is wrong with him? It’s not the first time Justin’s spilled a secret about him to his band mates. In fact, sometimes, it seems like it’s his life goal to embarrass his elder; like the time he told everyone he had a rash in the place where the sun don’t shine, or the time he leaked pictures of Chengcheng picking his nose to the groupchat. But there was this feeling in the pit of his stomach that made today’s confession a little different.

“What’s wrong with me?” Chengcheng asks, tone catching Justin off guard. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What are you even talking about?” Justin frowns, taking a step back.

Chengcheng’s not sure what he’s talking about but words are rolling off his tongue anyways.

“I mean, who the hell even are you? To go around and spill my business like this?” Chengcheng jabs his finger accusingly into his chest.

“Dude, it was a joke,” Justin pouts. He keeps backing him until he feels his back hit the door and it click behind him. Chengcheng takes another step and they’re now flushed together. “Leave me alone,” Justin orders.

“Who the fuck cares if I haven’t had my first kiss?” Chengcheng growls at him.

“Nobody does!” Justin retorts. He knows nobody does. If anything, nobody is surprised because Chengcheng isn’t a very affectionate person. He hates when his personal space is intruded, hates when people touch him. He doesn’t give hugs or cuddle with his members. In fact, this is the closest Justin thinks they’ve been since they both debuted on Idol Producer.

“Well obviously you do if you went around telling everyone!” Chengcheng shouts.

“I was trying to annoy you!” Justin groans.

“But why?!” Chengcheng asks. “Why do you always have to be so damn annoying?! Why can’t you just let me breathe for once, huh?! Did it ever occur to you that I may be saving my kiss for someone special?!”

“What’s so special about a kiss?! It’s just a stupid kiss!” Justin is irritated. He doesn’t like when Chengcheng raises his voice at him and he knows Chengcheng has no right to. He knows Chengcheng can sit and talk things out with him. He knows his elder knows how to act. But Justin just wants to go to sleep but for that to happen, he’ll need Chengcheng to 1) get out of his face and 2) shut the hell up. “Everyone kisses! Nobody gives a damn who your first kiss is with! They only care about how well you do it and you’re fucking eighteen and probably kiss like a washing machine! I probably kiss way better than you!”

“And?!” Chengcheng’s ears are red now. He’s not sure where all this anger is coming from but he’s burning inside out.

“And that’s all you have to say,” Justin replies, a bit satisfied with himself to see that he’s won again. “So go away.” He tries to slip out between the door and Chengcheng but the older presses him back against the door. He groans, “Chengcheng, what?”

“You’re annoying as hell,” his voice is low. “Why aren’t you like this to everyone else?”

Justin crosses his arms, turning his head to the side. He knows Chengcheng is right. Justin may be annoying but the level he takes it with Chengcheng is enough to make anyone’s skin crawl with anger.

“You’re stupid, that’s why,” Justin mutters, trying again to walk away, only to be pressed back against the door.

“Minghao,” Chengcheng grits through his teeth. Justin rolls his eyes, something Chengcheng hates. He grabs his jaw and snaps the boy’s head so he can look him in the eyes. “Huang Minghao. Why the hell are you so annoying towards me and not everyone else?” he asks even lower.

“Because I don’t want to be everyone else’s first kiss,” Justin replies, catching Chengcheng off guard. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed but being annoying is how I flirt around here. So either kiss me right now or let me go to bed and think about how fucking stupid you are because I’ve been wanting to be your first kiss since the day in the arcade but if you aren’t going to let me be your special person-“

Chengcheng hates how much Justin talks sometimes. So, he decides to shut him up like how they do in the movies, by kissing him. That way, Justin gets to be his first kiss, Chengcheng gets to have his first kiss and they’ll both get to go to sleep one kiss richer.

Justin is the first to pull away, a bit breathless but with a smirk on his face.

“Told you that you suck at kissing,” he smiles, pressing another quick one on his lips. “Don’t worry. I’ll teach you.”

“Who even taught you how to kiss?” Chengcheng pouts.

”Youtube,” he laughs. “You can find everything on there.”

“I sort of hate you.”

“You can’t hate me. We’re boyfriends now!” Justin frowns.

“Says who?”

“Do you want me to kiss you again or not,” Justin crosses his arms.

And Chengcheng realizes then that once again, Justin is wrong.

It’s not about your first kiss, or how well you kiss, or where you kiss. It’s about the person you’re kissing.

And Chengcheng is definitely ready to kiss Justin for a very long time.

#didnt even go in and see if everything was correct #not proof read #this is my comeback one shot and its trash omfg #pls dont kill me #yanjuniverse nine percent #chengstin #nine percent fan chengcheng #nine percent justin #nex7 justin #nex7 fan chengcheng #nine percent huang minghao #nex7 huang minghao #huang minghao #fan chengcheng #huang justin #chengstin imagine #i miss this ship

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eddycurrents · 5 years

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For the week of 16 September 2019

Quick Bits:

Absolute Carnage #3 has more glorious artwork from Ryan Stegman, JP Mayer, and Frank Martin. Even if it weren’t part of a fun story serving as the focal point of all of the various different tie-ins and the horrors of Carnage’s current push, this is a sheer visual treat.

| Published by Marvel

Aquaman #52 is a big fight with a weird tentacle monster. Great action here from Robson Rocha, Daniel Henriques, and Sunny Gho. Plus some more on Black Manta and a surprise appearance as a cliffhanger. There’s something more going on.

| Published by DC Comics

Archie ‘55 #1 is the start of another wonderful reinterpretation of Archie in a different time period, from Brian Augustyn, Mark Waid, Tom Grummett, Glenn Whitmore, and Jack Morelli. This one goes into the burgeoning rock music scene, playing up Archie’s love for music, more akin to what we’ve seen before in many Archie comics than Archie ‘41 did. It’s great to see even more art from Grummett.

| Published by Archie Comics

Batman #79 continues Bruce’s rehabilitation and recovery from his beating. Tom King, Clay Mann, Seth Mann, Tomeu Morey, and Clayton Cowles have done a wonderful job during this kind of interlude within the “City of Bane” arc, really grounding the Bruce & Selina relationship, rebuilding it even as Bruce rebuilds himself.

| Published by DC Comics

Black Hammer: Age of Doom #12 concludes this volume of the main Black Hammer narrative from Jeff Lemire, Dean Ormston, Dave Stewart, and Todd Klein. There’s an interesting bit here about family and sacrifice as the team comes to terms with what they have to do in order to stop the Anti-God this time around. Also, it’s interesting to see Lex Luthor and Clark Kent as a couple.

| Published by Dark Horse

Black Panther & The Agents of Wakanda #1 is a great debut from Jim Zub, Lan Medina, Marcio Menyz, and Joe Sabino. This is an outgrowth from the recent Avengers volume and it’s neat to see them acting as an actual team. Interesting mix of personalities, gorgeous artwork, and a very surprising return.

| Published by Marvel

Blade Runner 2019 #3 takes an few interesting turns as Ash is fired from her job with the police and we get some revelations about Selwyn’s wife and daughter. The action from Andres Guinaldo and Marco Lesko is really well done here.

| Published by Titan

Bloodborne #15 pushes further the sanity of our protagonist here, showing time and reality seemingly breaking as he’s immersed further into the insanity of the world and comes to the realization of the horrors that he’s committed. This continues to be a very surreal experience from Aleš Kot, Piotr Kowalski, Brad Simpson, and Aditya Bidikar with some interconnectivity to the hunters we’ve seen previously.

| Published by Titan

Critical Role: Vox Machina - Origins Series II #3 revels in more wonderful humour as the party tries to figure out the nature of the curse afflicting Grog. Matthew Mercer, Jody House, Olivia Samson, Msassyk, and Ariana Maher manage to give this a bit of the feel of the Conan story “The Tower of the Elephant” as they infiltrate a wizard’s tower. But with more gnome tossing.

| Published by Dark Horse

Death’s Head #3 might just be setting up some of the seeds for Incoming in amongst the action with Death’s Head, Wiccan, Hulkling, and Hawkeye. Either way, this is another fun issue from Tini Howard, Kei Zama, Felipe Sobreiro, and Travis Lanham.

| Published by Marvel

Excellence #5 introduces us to Monique, as she’s allowed use of magic by Spencer’s father in contravention of the rules lain out. It’s interesting to see this breech and how it’s handled, with Brandon Thomas, Khary Randolph, Emilio Lopez, and Deron Bennett adding a new complication to the mix.

| Published by Image / Skybound

GI Joe #1 is a great new take on the property from Paul Allor, Chris Evenhuis, Brittany Peer, and Neil Uyetake. It casts the Joes as an underground government movement within an America that is under siege, and possibly about to lose, to Cobra. How different this is becomes apparent in the first half of the book. I love the art from Evenhuis and Peer.

| Published by IDW

Guardians of the Galaxy #9 has some rather shocking revelations about who the remaining free Guardians are searching out for help and of who is ultimately the saviour of the Universal Church of Truth. All while seeing another potential future with the universe decimated. Donny Cates, Cory Smith, Victor Olazaba, David Curiel, and Cory Petit are firing on all cylinders here.

| Published by Marvel

Hellboy and the BPRD: Saturn Returns #2 continues this wonderful tale that helps reinvent the format of the broader Hellboy and the BPRD series, crossing through different time periods on this case, and incorporating some very nice character development for Liz. Mike Mignola, Chris Roberson, Christopher Mitten, Brennan Wagner, and Clem Robins are making this a must read.

| Published by Dark Horse

Inferior Five #1 is a rather strange debut from Jeff Lemire, Keith Giffen, Michelle Delecki, Hi-Fi, and Rob Leigh. For one, it’s set in the past (not weird in itself, but setting it in ‘88 takes it outside the current sliding timescale). Two, it spins out of DC’s Invasion event from that time period. And three, the reinterpretation of the Inferior Five so far is very understated. They’re not the familiar reject heroes, but rather nondescript kids in a town where something screwy seems to be going on. There’s also a Peacemaker back-up from Lemire, José Villarrubia, and Leigh that further adds to the mystery of what’s going on here.

| Published by DC Comics

Justice League #32 turns the “Justice/Doom War” up another notch as the League fights on multiple fronts, including a past where they’ve found the Justice Society and the future where the Justice Legion A have become pawns of Brainiac. Scott Snyder, James Tynion IV, Howard Porter, Hi-Fi, and Tom Napolitano are nicely weaving in though-forgotten and erased by Flashpoint character of DCU history here.

| Published by DC Comics

Killers #3 pushes even more intense and thrilling action at us from B. Clay Moore, Fernando Dagnino, José Villarrubia, and Jeff Powell. How varied and in many cases disturbing the various agents within the Ninja Programme is interesting. Each of them seemingly making Colin King look downright sane and “normal”.

| Published by Valiant

Lex Luthor: Year of the Villain #1 is a curious tour of the multiverse, visiting various Luthors across time and space, from Jason Latour, Bryan Hitch, Andrew Currie, Tomeu Morey, and Tom Napolitano. While it’s interesting to see the various permutations, the point of the story only becomes apparent at the end.

| Published by DC Comics

Middlewest #11 sees Abel throw a temper tantrum after his disastrous meeting with his grandfather, taking it out of Fox and causing a division of their friendship. Naturally, this results in bad things. Skottie Young, Jorge Corona, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Nate Piekos continue to work magic with this story, fleshing out the world even further with a child labour kidnapping ring.

| Published by Image

Once & Future #2 carries on with this reinterpretation of the King Arthur myth, mixing in horror and extreme little England ideologies, for an incredible second issue from Kieron Gillen, Dan Mora, Tamra Bonvillain, and Ed Dukeshire. The dynamic between Duncan and his grandmother is also wonderful, great bits of humour as she tries “delicately” to get him to navigate this world.

| Published by BOOM! Studios

Outpost Zero #13 is something else. Sean Kelley McKeever, Alexandre Tefenkgi, Jean-Francois Beaulieu, and Ariana Maher deliver an impressive and surprising penultimate issue that helps turn the world upside down. Gorgeous art from Tefenkgi and Beaulieu.

| Published by Image / Skybound

Psi-Lords #4 is kind of the big one as we find out who the four are and what their full purpose was. It’s very well told. Fred Van Lente, Renato Guedes, and Dave Sharpe are crafting an intriguing story here.

| Published by Valiant

Rick & Morty vs. Dungeons & Dragons II: Painscape #1 kicks off a sequel to what was one of the most fun Rick & Morty and D&D stories I’ve read in some time, perfectly mixing the two properties in an inventive way, from the returning team of Jim Zub, Troy Little, and Leonardo Ito, this time joined by Crank! for the letters and down one Patrick Rothfuss as a co-writer. It’s still excellent. There’s an interesting premise here of how the world has been infected with a D&D addiction and how it all ultimately ties back to Rick.

| Published by Oni Press & IDW

Rumble #16 gives us three stories from John Arcudi and Joe Sabino, illustrated each by Alex Horley, Matej Stic & Dave Stewart, and Gerardo Zaffino & Stewart. It’s glorious. Really nice exploration of Rathraq’s own time in the stories from Horley and Zaffino, delivering some beautiful and detailed adventure art.

| Published by Image

Savage Sword of Conan #9 concludes “Conan the Gambler” from Jim Zub, Patch Zircher, Java Tartaglia, and Travis Lanham. It’s pretty damn good. With a pit fight and a surprise revelation about what this really was. Beautiful, bloody art from Zircher and Tartaglia that really emphasizes the brutality in the action.

| Published by Marvel

Star Wars: Age of Resistance - Rose Tico #1 gives us a look at the fate of Hays Minor through the lives of Rose and Paige Tico, again from the team of Tom Taylor, Ramon Rosanas, Guru-eFX, and Travis Lanham. Some nice character development here as well as a parallel with Leia.

| Published by Marvel

Steeple #1 kicks off a bit of a weird one from John Allison, Sarah Stern, and Jim Campbell. It’s wonderful to see Allison doing more art again here as we’re introduced to a seaside town being threatened to be dragged into the sea by the minions of Satan, protected only by a surly parish priest, his dour assistant, and a plucky curate sent to help.

| Published by Dark Horse

Strayed #2 is a bit heartbreaking as humanity continues to exploit Lou’s astral travel to reach out and destroy new civilizations. It’s rather horrifying as to how truly awful human expansion is here, Carlos Giffoni, Juan Doe, and Matt Krotzer go to some lengths as to exploring their cruelty and depravity, committing countless genocides. And for poor Lou too.

| Published by Dark Horse

Supergirl #34 jumps head first into the ongoing narratives of “Year of the Villain” and Event Leviathan now that Kara is back on Earth. It’s interesting as to how quickly and seamlessly the story picks up the various threads of Luthor’s offer and the disappearance of Kara’s adoptive parents without skipping a beat. Great art from Eduardo Pansica, Julio Ferreira, and FCO Plascencia.

| Published by DC Comics

Superman #15 continues the conclusion to the “Unity Saga” with more from the Legion of Super-Heroes and a decision for the fate of Jor-El. Given that we’re now at part 15 of this arc and really 21 of the entire story, it feels a little rushed as to what occurs for Jor-El.

| Published by DC Comics

Teen Titans #34 pushes everybody’s buttons and Damian is basically a jerk to everyone while trying to find out who stole Djinn’s ring. It’s interesting how Adam Glass, Bernard Chang, Marcelo Maiolo, and Rob Leigh are guiding this team to a place where it’s anyone’s guess as to why they’re still together.

| Published by DC Comics

Valkyrie #3 reveals that Jane has a talking horse. Yeah, he talks. Not just flies, talks. And he likes to be called Mr. Horse because he’s fancy. A talking horse. This series has me for life. Oh, also, there’s an interesting trip through many of the less used Marvel afterlives, mostly told in double-page spreads from a bevy of phenomenal artists in CAFU, Ramón Pérez, Cian Tormey, Roberto Poggi, Frazer Irving, and Jesus Aburtov. Did I mention there’s a talking horse?

| Published by Marvel

Vampirella #3 deals with Vampirella’s mommy issues. Priest, Ergün Gündüz, and Willie Schubert give us more family problems, while giving new context to Vampirella’s arrival on Earth and the genesis of vampires here.

| Published by Dynamite

The Weatherman vol. 2 #4 sees things get even more complicated as more impediments get thrown in the way and Nathan does a stupid thing. Again. And again. It really is a wonder that he’s stayed alive as long as he has. Jody LeHeup, Nathan Fox, Moreno Dinisio, and Steve Wands continue to work wonders with this series.

| Published by Image

You Are Obsolete #1 is a fascinating debut from Mathew Klickstein, Evgeniy Bornyakov, Lauren Affe, and Simon Bowland. It has hints of The Midwich Cuckoos and Logan’s Run, but we’re still unsure as to what’s really going on. There’s a nice mystery here, but a lot of this is introducing us to the point of view character, Lyla Wilton. Really nice to see more art from Bornyakov.

| Published by AfterShock

Other Highlights: Absolute Carnage: Lethal Protectors #2, Aero #3, Archie vs. Predator 2 #2, Cult Classic: Return to Whisper #4 & 5, Dead Man Logan #11, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark #9, Firefly #9, Five Years #4, Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #12, Grumble #10, Guts, High Level #6, History of the Marvel Universe #3, House of X #5, Infinity 8 #15, James Bond 007 #11, KISS: The End #5, Lucifer #12, Magnificent Ms. Marvel #7, Marvel Action: Captain Marvel #2, Red Sonja: Birth of the She-Devil #4, Second Coming #3, Star Trek: Year Five #6, Star Wars: Age of Resistance - Rey #1, Star Wars: Doctor Aphra #36, Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen #3, Test #4, Titans: Burning Rage #2, Tony Stark: Iron Man #16, Wonder Woman: Come Back to Me #3, Xena: Warrior Princess #6

Recommended Collections: Age of Conan: Bêlit, Assassin Nation - Volume 1, Beasts of Burden - Volume 2: Neighborhood Watch, Doctor Strange - Volume 3: Herald, Fairlady - Volume 1, Fantastic Four - Volume 3: Herald of Doom, Farmhand - Volume 2, The Flash - Volume 10: Force Quest, Head Lopper - Volume 3: Knights of Venora, Infinity Wars: Complete Collection, Lazarus - Volume 3, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers - Volume 9, Port of Earth - Volume 3, Umbrella Academy - Volume 3: Hotel Oblivion, Welcome to Wanderland, Young Justice - Volume 1: Gemworld

d. emerson eddy thinks Grodd carrying Turtle around in a little kid carrier is hilarious.

#This Week in Comics

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at-the-sign-of-the-fox-n-phoenix · 2 years

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my thoughts on a mean meme re: hearing voices

Not going to give the person who posted the original thing extra advertising - but this is in response to a meme in which a toxic evangelical christian televangelist looks a bit wild in his eyes (as religious fervour sometimes does to a person) and the angle the photo is taken at makes him look like he’s doing a common stim I know many people who do - the flappy hands. The text on the image is WHY DOES GOD ONLY TALK TO CRAZY PEOPLE? My response, as a traditional-to-my-family not Christian weird thing some would call shamanic and others would call cunning and others would call witchy person who DEFINITELY talks to people some think of as Gods and others think of as hallucinations and who is ALSO autistic and very much a flappy hands practitioner follows: because the so-called ‘sane’ ones get freaked out and then deny & rationalize the experience. then they hide it as much as possible and make mean spirited memes to both shame others and reinforce their own sense of superiority. you know, the usual. Haters minimizing or shaming or mocking others to feel adequate in their own lives. Look at all the ableism packed in ONE IMAGE. Gross. the reason, if the question is why does the Christian God only talk to Wild-Eyed (usually descended from John Calvin’s version of Christianity) Christians it has to do with how their theology works. They’re not allowed to say NO to their god, they’re taught that to question their god is the same as rejecting him, that this is cause for eternal punishment. Therefore -

someone like me (NOT CHRISTIAN) treats all people (visible or not) the exact same way. big strong powerful ones get treated with exactly the same dignity as any other living being that approaches me. You ask me nicely to do you a favor and i”ll listen. I’ll probably make sure you have tea and a snack while you talk your problems out with me. However, my default answer to anybody (human or not) coming into my space and saying YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN DO THIS ASININE THING THAT WILL HARM YOU OR OTHERS is your basic and effective - FUCK OFF AND STAY FUCKED.

You won’t find an Evangelical Christian (in particular) saying that to ANY voice they hear if they are inclined to hear voices. They might if they believe the spirit speaking to them is SATAN. But very often evil is associated for them with physical bodies, not with incorporeal ones. They will be afraid and also feel special. This means they will say WHY YES LORD I WILL RUN OVER PEDESTRIANS WHO ARE GAY FOR YOU. (they will also agree to much kinder things, just because someone hears voices or is Christian does not make them a walking horror show) Fear & punishment, depressingly, are the backbones of their faith. They truly believe that fear is love and respect, and that anything other than that is not love and respect and MUST BE PUNISHED. I wish so much they could know what real love is. They deserve love and safety and lives without fear.

I don’t feel special when nasty creatures come and try to claim me. I get angry and tell them to fuck off. If the jerks come back, I do my warding rituals and do what i can to protect myself and others from the icky thing. I warn other people like me about the being wandering about trying to cause problems for humans so it is less likely to succeed in causing harm. Additional note: Because I was taught how to handle this stuff and was taught it’s my job to be a helper to suffering beings (human or bodied or not), this stuff does not make me feel special - it means i’m doing the bare minimum of my job as a fully human being. It feels more like being a doctor in an ER or an EMT who arrives and does immediate stay-alive-til-we-can-get-you-to-safety kind of work. Not special. Also hard. SECOND NOTE: there are myriad theologies espoused by various flavors of Christian. I share only one. Even among evangelicals, there are many flavors and degrees of intensity. Some even absolutely reject what I described above and if you are one who does reject those cruelties - GREAT, you’re not who I’m talking about.

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2p-hetalia-universe · 7 years

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2p’s less to more insecure and their biggest insecurities

Anonyme said :From a scale between 1 to 10, rate each 2P that's the most insecure of themselves and name each one that has the biggest insecurity they have.

Warning : The 2p’s are here classed from the more to the less insecure, according to their troubles and personalities. However, if they were in the real life, all of them would be very unstable because if I must class them according to a “normal person”, they all would be between 10 and 6 of instability. So, it’s not because some have a 1/10 that they are in the same state as a sane person. And more insecure is not more dangerous, some are at the bottom of the ranking and are more dangerous that some that are at the top. The ranking would be totally different if they would have been class depending on the dangerousness.

PS : Sorry for my bad english, I’m french...

2p!France (1/10) :

Except that he suffers from a sort of depressive melancholy that makes him drink and smoke almost every time, François has no interest in killing or torturing; he hates that because it brings nothing to him and his legendary laziness push him to do the minimum. His couldn’t-give-a-damn attitude is his main trait; he doesn’t care about anything and nothing really have his interest. He might want to have experiences (mostly sexual ones), but even that does not really interest him. He’s maybe depressive, but he never complains about his life. He’s cold and detached and it brings him a good objective vision of others’ madness; but for that too, he doesn’t care.

Even if he does not care about anything, he’s still human – maybe old from hundreds of years, but still human – and feelings scared him. Not because it’s like a weakness like what thinks 2p!America, but more because he does not understand them and as a writer who analyze others and their feelings that he feels they unsettle him. He prefers to have an impartial vision of others, not like some sort of god, but more in order not to resemble the other nations from whom he feels very detached.

2p!Spain (1/10) :

The only thing that we can reproach Andres is his love for swords and knives, which he makes a big collection in his cellar. If during his pirate period he was way more redoubtable, killing without mercy, he puts it on the madness of adolescence. When he grew up, he became, if not exactly a pacifist, at least less violent. He doesn’t kill, either torture anyone and doesn’t particularly enjoy hurting people. On the other hand, he’s very cold and grumpy, but far from mean and cruel. He yet perfectly knows how to handle fighting sword and this single capacity is enough to intimidate a potential opponent.

There isn’t much to which Andres is really attached to and his quite cold personality does not really tell if he feels insecure about anything. Perhaps he is afraid to fall again in his pirate period and to bring out again the violent and bloodthirsty side that every 2ps possess. He never accepted that he may be as crazier as the others, so fall back into violence scared him.

2p!Canada (2/10) :

Matt is quite calm most of the time, but behind this pacific appearance hides a really close combat expert. He sometimes goes to destroy faces from little rascals with his brother and his famous hockey stick, but that is not often. However, there is one thing for which Matt could become a real murderer; when he goes for a walk in the forest and he discovers hunters killing animals. He often goes out looking for them with his gun and he kills them, sometimes giving the rest to his bear Kuma.

Matt is a loner who lives far from men and their madness, shut away in the forest where he cuts wood and kills hunters. Then, his worst fear is precisely men and even worse the crowd. He suffers from a big ochlophobia which makes him panic if he finds himself in the middle of them. He never goes to the town, barely if he goes to the village near him to restock his fridge. But he never stays long in contact with other men. He’s a lonely wolf who prefers the tranquility of nature rather than human company. The only ones he manages to tolerate is his family.

2p!Germany (2/10) :

Lutz is far away from the others’ mental troubles. He’s a joker, warm and franc character. At first sight, he seems very different from the others 2ps because almost every of them are crazy and murderer, but Lutz also has his inner demons. If he’s ordinary a very good person in the real life, when comes wars or crisis, he becomes particularly violent and cruel when it’s about defending himself. The torture is an activity he then really loves and he’s exceptionally good at it because incredibly inventive when he has to hurt someone.

If he’s creative about torture, he’s not a fine strategist and setting up attack plans are not in his ability. He’s more the big beefy fellow type who’s giving orders and execute them, even if he hates that. If he was smarter, he could be the brain, but that’s not the case he deplores that. He can’t stand people mocking him because of his lack of discernment and his ability to think.

2p!Russia (3/10) :

Viktor is quite sane compared to others. Well, at least, he wouldn’t kill unlike by accident or by absolute necessity. However, he’s quite capable of torturing if necessary and without qualms if it’s a stranger. He may carry a shovel everywhere, but it’s more to frighten people who want to attack him than to bury them. Yet, he still knows how to terribly hurt people when he needs to.

Viktor wouldn’t handle that someone finds out about his weaknesses. He doesn’t know them himself, he even ignored if he has any, but he would be scared that the other nations find out his weak points that they could use to kneel him. He always stays impassible in order to never show anything – but he doesn’t really have to force himself because he already doesn’t feel much- and so others can’t detect any flaw.

2p!Sweden (3/10) :

Bernard perfectly knows how to hide his true side behind a mask of kindness and a pretty smile. But in reality, he can be considered a Yandere, a bit like 2p!England, because he seems like a good person, but he has a psychotic and murderous personality. He’s particularly manipulative because he always wants to have the control of everything and he has a severe lack of empathy. However, he doesn’t kill often, but when he does, he loves to torture his victim before killing them.

Worse than can happen to Bernard could be that he loses all his landmarks. He’s a character that is very attached to his possessions, so much that he even gives names to them: Mr. Beefy for his leather couch, Aurora for his lamp, Kriskin for his favorite chair and even Thurston (2p!Finland’s name) for his bed. Equally, 2p!Finland is for him one of his dearest possessions because he wants him as his wife – even if the Finnish don’t think so. If all of these brutally disappear, Bernard would enter in a particularly brutally mentally outbreak.

2p!America (4/10) :

Allan is a street guy; street fights amuses him and he will sink in with pleasure, and often he’s the one starting them. He has a violent nature and he enjoys hitting other street guys, especially with his baseball bat covered with nails. It’s something very enjoyable for him. Apart from street fighting that allow him to unwind, he has some moments of anger, but never strong enough to hurt his family or friends.

The thing that’s scares Allan the most is his feelings. Unlike his image of a tough guy he wants to show, he’s a great sentimental, as shown by his love for animals. He would like to be indifferent, but when it comes to his loved ones or people he really appreciates, he cannot help but to be concerned. His family is very important to him; 2p!France, 2p!England, 2p!Canada and his friends. Falling in love is the worst for him because he doesn’t know how to handle with his feelings. His sensitivity is his worst weakness.

2p!Austria (4/10) :

Roland is more dangerous that he is unstable, at least, if we can affirm that being attract and use the occult and summoning is not a trait of instability. Indeed, the Austrian’s passion is dark magic and more exactly demons’ summoning for fun or to a precise goal. He’s a character who regularly frequent Satan. There is nobody is particularly close to, except 2p!Prussia he takes as his boyfriend, even if the one concerned is afraid of him. Thus, the only ones Roland really is with are beings from his spells and summoning.

Roland has no one to really cherish because he scares everyone around him and is not afraid of all dark and dangerous things, so he does not really have any insecurity. But he’s so accustomed to rubbing shoulders with the supernatural that he’s really afraid of everything that can be called “normal”. He’s incapable to live like the others with a simple, ordinary lifestyle and he trembles at the idea of going shopping or talking with someone on the street. He’s socially awkward and tends to scare everyone with his sharped teeth and his red eyes.

2p!Denmark (5/10) :

From all of the 2ps, Markell must be the healthiest. He’s a good warrior, but doesn’t feel any pleasure when killing and he’s even disgusted about it. If he could, he would rewrite his past in order to erase his mistakes. Like 2p!France, he feels relatively detached from the others 2ps because he knows he isn’t like them and refuses to be like them. It must be the reason he smokes marijuana, to escape from this crazy world where almost every nation are bloodthirsty murderers that want to hurt for fun. But he’s far from all this and he would like to live in the 1p world rather than here, but that’s unfortunately impossible.

His biggest insecurity is his own world; the 2ps’ world disgusts him and he would like to escape it. He already asked his 1p if he can go on the 1p world, but Matthias refused, it’s impossible. Then, Markell tries a lot of other ways to flee by smoking for example. He fears the night when he would be awake by one of the nations and being murdered by stabbing or die from poisoning during a meeting.

2p!Japan (5/10) :

Kuro embodies all Japan’s worst actions, including Pearl Harbor and the invasion of China by the Japanese where they did a lot of heinous slaughter (Nanking massacre for example) during the WWII, and for which 2p!Japan hasn’t presented any excuses. He’s merciless, he kills in cold blood and according to what his twisted honor dictate to him. He’s not afraid of killing and torturing when his nation go to war. He’s heartless, dangerous and powerful when he wants to.

A little bit like 2!Finland, he could not stand to see his country lose a war and be besiege. However, unlike Thurston, who only fear 2p!Russia, Kuro sees potential enemies in every other nations. His country is an island, so it’s more difficult to invade, so he counts on his nation’s power to intimidate the others, especially western countries. Defeat is not an option for him, particularly after all the slaughters he did and that could create in his enemies a desire of revenge and a humiliation as horrible as he had done.

2p!South Italy (6/10) :

Flavio isn’t neither the type of killing often and if, without enjoyment. Like 2p!China, he kills only if the person is a threat, especially for him or his brother. He tries not to be very implied in his brother’s business, but he still is his second in command as a Mafiosi. He perfectly uses drugs to poison his victims and sometimes uses knives, but it’s rare. He also could have some Yandere traits towards the person he loves, that is to say 2p!Spain that makes him follow him everywhere and always asking for him.

For him, his body is own essence. If it were to be damaged in any way, Flavio would never recover. He’s almost at the point of honoring his image - being a real Fashionista - so if he has a little scar or a button in a visible place, he would fall into a real exaggerated and incredible existential crisis. Better not imagine if he is tortured or disfigured; then, he would die.

2p!China (6/10) :

Xiao doesn’t really like killing, but he will do it if he has to. If someone is threatening his rug market, he would go kill him without mercy. He particularly uses poisons poured into his victim’s food or stab them with little assassin’s knives in a dark area or at a street corner. He’s part of the Chinese triads so he’s an experienced gangster who knows everything about the art of removing people. He then can kill, but he also loves to threaten.

He’s maybe a gangster, but when Xiao is in love, he’s deeply enamored of the person and he can do everything for them and protect them from the entire world, especially his wild life. If something happen to them, he would feel guilty his whole life and never can forget himself for not being able to protect them, even after his finished revenge. Then, when he’s in love, his worst fear is that something happens to this person and not being able to protect them.

2p!Finland (7/10) :

Thurston is a very quickly angered person, sometimes even to the point that he enters into angry phases exceptionally violent, in which he needs to evacuate all of his wrath by breaking things for example. In order to avoid that, he generally takes his gun and his dog and go on a hunt; which is a real way to let off steam for him. The rest of the time, even if he has a grumpy and nervous personality, he’s not a bad man, but a simple bad news or an arguing are enough for his irritable temperament to explode.

The worst fear for Thurston is to be invaded again by 2p!Russia and to not be able to defend himself to repulse him. Being invade is for him a sign of weakness and powerlessness and his first invasion by Viktor centuries before was a really painful defeat. A second one and it would be the worst thing for him. He needs to prove to everyone that he is strong and that he can go up against 2p!Russia as a proof.

2p!Norway (7/10) :

Loki seems to be someone particularly smiling and friendly, but when we begin to enter into his life, he would tend to not want you to leave his side and would grab onto the person when he starts to like them. And the more we stay near him, the more he would show us his unstable and manic side of him by stalking us everywhere to know what we’re doing. He especially does that with 2p!Denmark he really loves. However, he’s very mean and violent with 2p!Iceland (he’s the one who tears off his eyes). It must not be forgotten that Loki is a passionate pyromaniac which explains his burns. He loves to burn everything he can

In addition to being a pyromaniac, Loki also possesses the same magical capacities as his 1p counterpart. However, he’s really afraid of these magic because with him it quickly become out of control. He already summoned powerful demons and spirits who haunted him, which lead him to be scared of his own powers and dark forces he can invoke. That’s why he uses them very little in order to not make him or his close relatives in danger.

2p!Iceland (8/10) :

After being raised by his unstable brother, it’s not very surprising that Egil, even if not very dangerous, has serious mental issues, particularly a borderline personality disorder that makes him have moods swings and wishes of self-harming. He suffers from anxiety, depression and the PTSD complex (a trauma due to repeated traumatic situations over long periods). A great cocktail that makes from Egil a likeable and nice young man from the first sight, but particularly disturbed.

His brother might well be unstable, it doesn’t stop Egil from loving him like a big brother. 2p!Norway, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to see him as a little brother. The Icelandic is very attached to Loki, even if he is cold and cruel to him since he found him on his island and brought him to Norway. He is very destabilized when his big brother isn’t near him and if Loki disappear, it would be a part of Egil’s world would crumble.

2p!Prussia (9/10) :

The biggest problem of Gilen is from far his deep depression, which locks him in an almost constant muteness. His depression causes a lot of stress, a big lack of self-confidence and a self-loathing that sometimes bring him to self-harm that add more scars than he already have because of his wars. His mood is generally very dark and all his words speak about death and pain. His unique way to escape is his daydream when he walks in beautiful landscapes or when he writes in his diary, although his writing still is very sad. He is unstable, but from all of the 2ps, he’s the less dangerous for the others; he can’t hurt anyone.

Finally, the worst insecurity of Gilen is life itself. It’s not beautiful or nice with him, and he tries to stay away from it as much as he can. He must have been weary before his territories’ dismemberment and his nation’s death should have been some sort of comfort for him, but he noticed that he still lived even after his nation’s fall. That’s most certainly what drove him into depression that he couldn’t die with his nation. Now, he lost all hope of dying and lock himself into his sickness.

2p!England (10/10) :

Generally, Oliver would be seen as someone normal, sometimes a little bit too much happy. But he has manic phases, just like Luciano, in which he is quite capable of killing someone, even if it’s with a less violent way than 2p!North Italy. He prefers to pour poison in his cupcakes before giving it to his victims. Although what he does after being as much violent because he sometimes cuts his victims out and stuff his cupcakes with organs. He has an obsessive personality disorder that makes him stick a person he really appreciates like a glue.

However, his good mood only is a mask to hide his fear of losing the ones he really loves, like François his lover-enemy, his two “sons” Allan and Matt and his friends like Flavio. He is terribly afraid of being all alone, also, the distant behavior of his closest family member hurt him a lot. Then, he easily could enter in a depressive phase. It already happens after being insulted or attacked. He is extremely sensitive.

2p!North Italy (10/10) :

Luciano is most certainly one of the most insecure 2ps with 2p!England. He is a maniac who suffers from hyperactivity. As far as he can have self-control when he supervise and give orders, he can also be entirely controlled by his aggressive impulses and enter in a psychotic phase which made him kill on a whim. It’s generally very violent and his favorite way of killing is by stabbing his victim several times. He likes to torture his victims before killing them, especially when he wants them to give him information.

His most important insecurity is his paranoia. He is convinced that everyone wants to make an attempt on his life (after all, he is the boss’ mafia). He also tends to eliminate anyone around him in whom he has doubts, except when it’s someone very close and he appreciates a lot. Then, he would give them the benefit of the doubt and put them under guard. Indeed, because of his oversized paranoia, he will tend to have a lot of spies, which he will order to watch each other. This way, he could have his eye on his enemies, friends, family, colleagues and his own spies.

#2p hetalia #2ptalia #insecurity #biggest insecurity #lesstomoreinsecure

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noditchablepromdate · 7 years

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A consideration of the muse via TV Tropes

//Mun comments: these are based on my interpretation of and headcanons for the muse, not just canon events.

Appearance/Physical

American Accents - though Bobby himself is from South Dakota, his accent definitely hints towards a more typically southern redneck. Badass Beard - one of his most distinctive features. Blue Eyes - sometimes Icy Blue Eyes. Generally when he’s getting particularly enraged. Nice Hat - Bobby is almost never seen without one of his beloved trucker caps. Older Than They Look - Bobby is in his late fifties when the Winchester boys show up asking for help, and by the Apocalypse he’s sixty. He’s grizzled and clearly not in his prime any more, but is still younger-looking, tougher and much more physically capable than a guy his age would usually be. Seriously Scruffy - Bobby’s usual outfit is heavily worn and frayed clothes - usually jeans, t-shirts and flannel - that he’s owned for a very long time.

Personality Traits

A Friend In Need / The Reliable One - One of Bobby’s defining traits is that no matter what, if someone calls on him for help, he will do whatever it takes to give that help. Even if he’s freaking DEAD. Badass Grandpa - Bobby’s out there fighting evil well into his sixties. Brutal Honesty - He doesn’t really do sugar-coating very well, so if he’s presented with something and asked his opinion he will often be very blunt about what he thinks of it. Catch Phrase - His go-to swearword is “Balls!” and he often expresses his annoyance (or affection) by calling someone an “idjit”. Character Alignment - Chaotic Good. Bobby gives absolutely zero fucks about legal or illegal, but he’s absolutely committed to helping the fight against evil and is basically a decent and kind person. Combat Pragmatist - He doesn’t fight in a bid to impress anybody, he just aims to take his opponent down and make them stop fighting back as fast as possible, and has no qualms about fighting dirty to get the result. Crazy-Prepared / Properly Paranoid - Bobby regularly doses visitors with holy water, keeps guns to fire several different types of monster-slaying ammunition, and has built a panic room in his basement, made of solid iron coated with salt, that is demon- and spirit-proof. He has also made several copies of all his priceless books and stashed them in safehouses around the country, just in case something happens to the collection in his house. And he does it all because he knows it could happen. He’s even described himself as a “paranoid bastard”. Deadpan Snarker - A fundamental aspect of his personality. No matter what situation, he usually manages to come up with a sarcastic or snarky quip. This can lead to Snark-To-Snark Combat breaking out, especially if it’s Crowley he’s talking to. Determinator - He just will not lie down and die. Even when a bullet to the head puts him in a coma, he spends the entire time evading and holding off the Reaper coming after him so he can warn Sam and Dean about the Leviathans’ plans. Encyclopaedic Knowledge - He’s done so much studying that he’s able to reel off facts about rare monsters, cast spells and recite exorcisms, and draw a number of sigils from memory. Forgets To Eat / Must Have Caffeine - Bobby regularly stays up pulling all-nighters in order to do research for a fellow hunter, and in such cases will often subsist on strong coffee and/or caffeine pills. This has left him with a reliance on coffee that’s almost as bad as his drinking problem. Genius Bruiser - He looks and often acts like a typical dumb redneck, but spends most of his time at home with his books, doing research for others; when called on to join the fight directly, Bobby proves himself as capable of kicking ass as hunters half his age. Good Is Not Dumb - He might be on the side of the good guys, but Bobby sure as hell is not stupid. Good Is Not Soft / Good Is Not Nice - While he has dedicated his life to helping others and saving lives, and is gentle and caring to those in need, Bobby is also a cranky, short-tempered alcoholic who lives on his own and gives everyone, including the law, angels, and Satan himself an attitude. He’s also not likely to spare enemies out of the goodness of his heart, either - the few antagonists who manage to escape his retribution are usually the ones who talk the quickest and convince him they’re worth sparing. Otherwise he’ll finish them off without blinking. Grumpy Old Man - Has definite shades of this, though often as not he’s just playing it up, for the sake of a cover or to amuse people. Gut Feeling - Bobby’s instincts are usually spot on and he’s learned to rely on them reasonably heavily, to the point where he can usually guess within seconds if someone he knows is possessed by a demon or otherwise not actually themself. Of course, being paranoid, he’ll generally follow his guess up with a test to see how right he is. Handicapped Badass - During the year he spends wheelchair-bound; although he’s no longer able to actively hunt, his mind is as quick as ever and he’s still a crack shot. Jerk with a Heart of Gold - Famously bad-tempered, antisocial, yells at people who ask him for help and calls them stupid, regularly gets arrested and has no respect for... pretty much anyone. Also one of the key players in the attempt to head off the Apocalypse, who loves the weird little family he’s got with all his heart and will do anything for them. Knight In Sour Armor - Yeah, the world sucks and pretty much everything is horrible apart from a few little warm spots... but he’ll step up to fight for its right to exist time and time again, because that’s the right thing to do. Mr. Fixit - As well as earning his living as a mechanic and salvage yard owner, Bobby is able to turn his hand to a number of other practical skills; he’s successfully modified several guns to fire specialised ammunition, and built the panic room in his basement himself, during “a weekend off”. He’s also proven to be very capable when it comes to installing booby traps and surprises around his house, including a trapdoor outside the hall closet that drops straight into the basement and a specially strengthened basement door to keep whoever got dropped in from getting back out. Nerves Of Steel - He’s faced down dozens, maybe hundreds, of monsters over the years, armed with a few weapons and his wits and, if he was really lucky, someone competent running backup. He’s even intervened in a showdown between the archangels Michael and Lucifer, though that didn’t go terribly well for him. Not much fazes him now. Old Master - Bobby has likely fought, researched and warded off more monsters than Sam and Dean put together, and is known to be THE person to go to if you need help tackling something you don’t recognise. Omniglot - He speaks several languages, including Japanese and Latin, and is able to decipher and translate a huge number of written languages. Only Sane Man - He often feels like this, especially after dealing with hunters who have managed to completely fail at displaying common sense. Physical Scars, Psychological Scars - Bobby has picked up scars from all sorts of monster encounters over the years, many of them reminders of what went wrong on the hunt. He also still has some old scars from his childhood, as his father used to beat him with a belt. Self-Surgery - Given he prefers to avoid the authorities unless it’s really serious, Bobby will generally patch himself up with needle, thread and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Street Smart - Studious as he can be, Bobby is also a capable survivalist and very savvy at bluffing his way into situations - or out of them. Taught By Experience / Seen It All - Bobby’s one of the best in the hunting community simply because he’s made it his business to be. He’s encountered monsters very few others have, he’s studied countless texts to find weaknesses nobody else knew about... and he’s closely linked to the Winchesters, who seem to get targeted by all the weirdest things out there. Which he takes as a learning opportunity. It’s not often he actually gets startled by something. Talented But Trained - He’s a very smart man, that’s absolutely certain, but many of his skills are what he’s picked up over a long, rough life, and he’s honed them till they’re sharp as a razor. The Alcoholic / Drowning My Sorrows - He’s turned to alcohol to cope with the horrific things he’s dealt with, from an abusive childhood to killing his possessed wife to the deaths caused because he wasn’t quite quick enough to take down the monster he was hunting. The Kirk - Usually plays this role between cool, logical Sam and hot-headed emotional Dean. Undying Loyalty - Literally, in his case; he takes lethal injuries several times, at least one of which was deliberately self-inflicted, and still keeps trying to help his boys in any way he can. Workaholic - He doesn’t often take a break from working, at least not for very long. Wouldn’t Hurt A Child / Friend To All Children - One of his more likeable traits - after the horrendous upbringing he had, Bobby will go above and beyond to make sure any kids he spends time around feel as safe as possible. He’s gentle, affectionate, and respectful of their thoughts and feelings, especially if their own parents are harsh.

Personal History

Abusive Parents / Alcoholic Parent - Bobby’s father Ed was a drunk who thought nothing of being verbally and physically abusive, punching his wife and regularly taking his belt to his son. By the time Bobby hit his teens, his mother was also blaming him for his dad’s violence. Back From The Dead - Bobby was killed by Lucifer while trying to help buy time for Sam to regain control of his own body. Castiel, newly resurrected himself, brought him back minutes later after the crisis was over. Bobby will occasionally refer to it as “that time I died” or something along those lines. Calling The Old Man Out - He finally snaps and intervenes with a rifle when his father begins beating his mother, demanding Ed leave her alone. When Ed taunts him and threatens to deal with him, Bobby pulls the trigger. Later in life, trapped in a coma, Bobby sees his father again in the memory and confronts him, fiercely claiming to be far better than Ed told him he was. Dead Partner - This applies to a number of Bobby’s old hunting friends who have died over the years, most notably John Winchester, Ellen Harvelle and Rufus Turner, all of whom he had a particular bond with. Deal With The Devil - Technicaly a deal with a demon, but the same principle. When Lucifer is on the verge of triumphing in the bid to start the Apocalypse, Bobby sells - or, technically, pawns - his soul to Crowley for the final key piece of information that gives them a fighting chance. He also regains the ability to walk, though that was more of a generous freebie on Crowley’s part. (Naturally, Crowley does not keep his side of the agreement, and later has to be threatened about it.) Fighting From The Inside - When possessed by a demon trying to kill Dean, Bobby manages to put up enough of a fight to turn the blade on himself. Hero Secret Service - Technically the hunting community could count as this. Although they are not organised and have no authority figures, Bobby is a major persona within the ranks. Only Child Syndrome - With no siblings around, Bobby took the full brunt of his parents’ abuse; he never really understood why, but his mother once hinted that he was too much hard work on his own for them to handle having another kid on top. Survivor Guilt - Regarding pretty much everyone he knows who gets killed. His attitude is always I should have done better.

Romance & Family

Badass Family - Adoptive version; anyone who spends a while around Bobby will absorb some of his personal badassness, even if they are already damn awesome themselves. First Love - Karen, the first woman he ever really loved, and whom he holds a torch for long after her death. Happily Married - With Karen. Until she finds out he doesn’t want to be a father... at which point they have a fight that never gets resolved, because she’s dead three days later. Honorary Uncle - To Sam and Dean as kids, and to most other hunters’ kids he spends any real time around, he was always “Uncle Bobby”. Ho Yay / Foe Yay - He and Crowley clash repeatedly, but all that snark-laden verbal fencing, long looks, moments of real vulnerability around each other... yeah, there’s definitely something going on there. Incompatible Orientation - One of Bobby’s main attempted defences against the attentions of a certain king of Hell. Like A Son To Me / Happily Adopted - Sam and Dean, who he played a large part in raising until their teens. Also counts for any of the other younger people he takes in and becomes a father figure to. Papa Wolf - Don’t mess with his kids. Just don’t. He will hurt you. Parental Substitute - To many of the young people he takes in or keeps an eye out for, particularly those who have had poor experiences with their childhood. He absolutely relishes being able to be a positive figure for a kid who needs it. Stalker With A Crush - This is how he tends to treat Crowley a lot of the time, especially when the demon’s being particularly flirtatious or overly attentive. Team Dad - To... well, pretty much everyone with the age or life experience to be considered a kid in his eyes. This includes the Winchesters, Jo Harvelle, several other hunters around their age, a freaking Vampire Slayer, and Castiel, an actual angel with the social savvy of a very sheltered gerbil.

#headcanons #about bobby #tw: abuse mentions #tw: alcoholism #tw: violence mentions

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cksmart-world · 4 years

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The completely unnecessary news analysis

by Christopher Smart

October 27, 2020

BURGESS OWENS: MITT'S THE SHITS

Just because Republican Sen. Mitt Romney went on an LDS mission to France doesn't mean he has Utah values. Oh no! Burgess Owens, the Republican candidate running to unseat Democrat Ben McAdams, said that we (Utahns) “believe in education, God, industry and the family unit.” See, that doesn't match up with Mitt Romney at all. And not only that but Mitt doesn't believe in QAnon, either. “Romney should be kicked out of the Republican Party,” Owens said. So who, we wonder, does have our good ol' Utah values? Well, President Donald Trump, of course. He never cheats, never lies, never womanizes, always observes the Sabbath, even if golfing, and loves God. Owens said good Americans, like us, have to fight satanic Democrats.“They hate God. They hate education. They hate the family unit. They hate capitalism, the free market. They hate everything that makes us a great country.” He really said that shit. But, strangely, he didn't mention QAnon. The Q people say a cabal of Deep State Democrats who eat babies and traffic them at the Epcot Center is out to get us and only Donald Trump can save us. That's no bull and good ol' Burgess “Utah Values” Owens says Q is cool. Wilson and the band think he must have got ahold of some real bad acid. Could be.

ZOO ANIMALS and FRAT BOYS

Have you ever gotten drunk and trashed a zoo? No? Well, then you probably wouldn't fit in with the Sigma Chi fraternity at the U of U. We've all been young and crazy once — well, not all of us, take Spencer Cox for example. But we digress. The brain trust at Sigma Chi got this real cool idea and bought 150 tickets to Hogle Zoo's BooLights gig last Saturday night so they'd have the place to themselves for the Halloween special, according to The Trib's Sean Means. In preparation, the frat boys got wasted in the parking lot. Well, of course they did, that's why fraternities exist, despite their charter that says they are community service organizations. (The only communities they service sit across from Frat Row.) When the camel pie dust settled, even the baboons were disgusted. Zoo officials weren't too pleased, either. They must have missed the 1978 iconic movie “Animal House,” which pledges must memorize before they can graduate from Goat Week and enter the hallowed brotherhood of Sigma Chi. U of U bigwigs said they are working with the the national organization of Sigma Chi so young men can learn to take responsibility. Really? Shiiit. The staff here at Smart Bomb busted a gut when they heard that one again. Some things never change.

F-BOMBS AT THE SCHOOL BOARD, OH MY!

You know you're living in a new world when members of the school board let fly with expletives — even F-bombs. Ever get punished at school for saying something far less weaponized than F-you! And remember, these are the folks who help set the curriculum. Let's see, reading, writing, arithmetic and F- ology. Talk about progressive. We are, of course, referring to the revered Salt Lake City Board of Education and their F-ing text messages, which could have caused a lot of bloody lips and black eyes if said in person. (Notice we didn't mention hair-pulling or cat fights.) The star of the WWF smackdown was board member Katherine Kennedy, who got miffed at board president Melissa Ford when a meeting about virtual schooling went long. “I F-ing Hate You,” she tweeted, as reported by Tribune ace Courtney Tanner. Two other board members took after West High Principal Jared Wright, texting “Ef Jared.” This is the kind of thing parents fear when they give their kids smart phones. Kennedy responded to a complaint by one parent about her behavior this way: “You are able to transfer (your children) to any school that has an opening.” She might well have said, So take that and shut the F-up, bitch. Education has come a long way.

Post script — The staff here at Smart Bomb is taking Donald Trump's advice and staying in the basement. Trump criticized Joe Biden for hiding in his basement, but heck, how can you blame him. Wilson and the band have been in the basement for weeks now. To keep their sanity, they've created their own sensory deprivation chamber and stocked up on herbs and beer and Cheetos. They watch old movies, like Zardoz, where Arthur Frayn flies around in a giant rock head trying to coax Sean Connery and his band of horse-riding outlanders to invade the vortex and save people from eternal life by killing them. It may sound crazy, but is it really much weirder than 2020 in the United States of America, where people are dying by the hundreds of thousands and the president is jaunting around the country, singing, don't worry, be happy. Where the hell is Sean Connery and the outlanders when you really need them. Of course, there is hope. There really are a lot of good, sane people out there, who do amazing things every day to make this world as good as they can make it. Random acts of kindness. Think about it.

Alright Wilson, it's time once again for you and guys to get it together and take us out with a random act of kindness for another week here in the vortex:

Little darlin', come with me Won't you help me share my load From the dark end of the street To the bright side of the road Into this life we're born Baby sometimes we don't know why And time seems to go by so fast In the twinkling of an eye Let's enjoy it while we can Won't you help me sing my song From the dark end of the street To the bright side of the road

(Bright Side of the Road — Van Morrison)

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autolovecraft · 7 years

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On the night, not only around the sleeper's neck.

Immediately upon beholding this amulet we knew that we finally pried it open and feasted our eyes on what it held in its gory filthy claw the lost and fateful amulet of green jade. For crouched within that centuried coffin, embraced by a close-packed nightmare retinue of huge, sinewy, sleeping owner I knew that we were jointly going mad from our devastating ennui. Then he collapsed, an inert mass of mangled flesh. After that we lived in growing horror and fascination.

The moon was up, but worked only under certain conditions of mood, landscape, environment, weather, season, and I had followed enthusiastically every aesthetic and intellectual movement which promised respite from our devastating ennui. Statues and painting there were, all of fiendish subjects and some executed by St John and myself. As we hastened from the centuried grave. What mercy I might gain by returning the thing hinted of in the water. Our lonely house was seemingly alive with the presence of some gigantic hound. It is not, I staggered into the nethermost abysses of despair when, at an inn in Rotterdam, I staggered into the nethermost abysses of despair when, at an inn in Rotterdam, I know not why I went thither unless to pray, or sphinx with a blow of my spade.

The next day away from Holland to our home, we thought we heard the faint far baying we shuddered, remembering the tales of one buried for five centuries, who had himself been a ghoul in his time and had stolen a potent thing from a mighty sepulcher. I shall be mangled in the forbidden Necronomicon of the devilish rituals he had loved in life. Around the base was an inscription in characters which neither St John is a mangled corpse; I alone know why, and sometimes we burned a strangely scented candle before it.

A wind, rushed by, and mumbled over his body one of our neglected gardens, and heard, as if seeking for some needed air, and hidden pneumatic pipes ruffled into kaleidoscopic dances of death the line of red charnel things hand in hand woven in voluminous black hangings. There was no one in the museum. Less than a week after our return to England, strange things began to ascribe the occurrences to imagination which still prolonged in our museum, and he it was dark. Through these pipes came at will the odors of mold, and was exquisitely carved in antique Oriental fashion from a mighty sepulcher. It is of this sole means of salvation. On each occasion investigation revealed nothing, and every subsequent event including St John's dying whisper had served to connect the curse with the satanic taste of neurotic virtuosi we had always entertained a dread that our grisly collection might be discovered. But the autumn moon shone weak and pale, and in the ghoul's grave with our spades, and every night that demonic baying rolled over the wind-swept moor, I shall be mangled in the soft earth underneath the library window a series of footprints utterly impossible to describe.

And as I pronounced the last demonic sentence I heard the faint, distant baying as of some gigantic hound. Alien it indeed was to all art and literature which sane and balanced readers know, but was answered only by a shrill laugh. Being now afraid to live alone in the forbidden Necronomicon of the reflections of the earth we had seen it then, but was answered only by a shrill laugh. Our alarm was now divided, for, besides our fear of the devilish rituals he had loved in life. Finally I reached the rotting, bald pates of famous noblemen, and another time we thought we saw the bats descend in a multitude of inlaid ebony cabinets reposed the most incredible and unimaginable variety of tomb-loot ever assembled by human madness and perversity. St John's pocket, we had so lately rifled, as if receding far away, a queer combination of rustling, tittering, and every night that demonic baying rolled over the clean white skull and its eyeless sockets that once had glowed with a blow of my inevitable doom. Down unlit and illimitable corridors of eldritch fantasy sweeps the black, shapeless Nemesis that drives me to self-annihilation.

But the autumn wind moaned sad and wan, and became as worried as I pronounced the last demonic sentence I heard afar on the moor the faint deep-toned baying of whose objective existence we could not be sure.

What mercy I might gain by returning the thing that had killed it, but so old that we lived in growing horror and fascination. On the night-wind, on which St John must soon befall me. I carefully wrapped the green jade. Alien it indeed was to whisper, The amulet—that damned thing—Then he collapsed, an inert mass of mangled flesh. The predatory excursions on which we collected our unmentionable treasures were always artistically memorable events. Seizing the green jade amulet and sailed for Holland.

Our lonely house was seemingly alive with the satanic taste of neurotic virtuosi we had seen it then, but covered with caked blood and shreds of alien flesh and radiantly golden heads of new-buried children. St John is a mangled corpse; I alone know why, and I had followed enthusiastically every aesthetic and intellectual movement which promised respite from our life of unnatural personal experiences and adventures.

His screams had reached the rotting oblong box crusted with mineral deposits from the centuried grave. A wind, and was exquisitely carved in antique Oriental fashion from a mighty sepulcher. Alien it indeed was to whisper, The amulet—that hideous extremity of human outrage, the sickening odors, the horrible shadows; the vast legions of strangely colossal bats that flew against the rising moon. It was incredibly tough and thick, but sometimes it pleased us more to dramatize ourselves as the baying again, and I knew that what had befallen St John, walking home after dark from the dismal railway station, was the dark rumor and legendry, the dancing death-fires, the stolen amulet in St John's dying whisper had served to connect the curse with the satanic taste of neurotic virtuosi we had seen it then, but I felt that I destroy it long before I thought of destroying myself!

On October 29 we found in the vilest quarter of the object despite the lapse of five hundred years. So, too, as if receding far away, a jarring lighting effect, or sphinx with a blow of my spade. What mercy I might gain by returning the thing to its silent, sleeping owner I knew not; but, whatever my reason, I attacked the half frozen sod with a semi-canine face, and about the relation of ghosts' souls to the theory that we must possess it; that this treasure alone was our logical pelf from the centuried grave.

Our museum was a blasphemous, unthinkable place, where with the commonplaces of a dominating will outside myself. Once we fancied that a large, opaque body darkened the library window a series of footprints utterly impossible to describe. In a squalid thieves' den an entire family had been torn to ribbons. So at last I stood again in the same way. In a squalid thieves' den an entire family had been hovering curiously around it. On each occasion investigation revealed nothing, and sometimes we burned a strangely scented candle before it. My friend was dying when I saw on the bottom, like a maker's seal, was the dark rumor and legendry, the titanic bats, was seized by some frightful carnivorous thing and torn to ribbons. After that we finally pried it open and feasted our eyes on what it held in its gory filthy claw the lost and fateful amulet of curious and exotic design, which had been hovering curiously around it. His screams had reached the rotting, bald pates of famous noblemen, and with headstones snatched from the abhorrent spot, the dancing death-fires under the yews in a niche in our museum, there came a low, cautious scratching at the grave as we found in this self same spot, the faint far baying we thought we heard the baying again, and was exquisitely carved in antique Oriental fashion from a small piece of green jade. Our alarm was now divided, for, besides our fear of the amulet. Finally I reached the rotting, bald pates of famous noblemen, and articulate chatter. The skeleton, though crushed in places by the claws and teeth sharpened on centuries of corpses … dripping death astride a bacchanal of bats from nigh-black ruins of buried temples of Belial … Now, however, we thought we heard this suggestion of baying we thought we had heard all night a faint, deep, insistent note as of some ominous, grinning secret of the kingly dead, and he it was not wholly unfamiliar. The rabble were in terror, for, besides our fear of the souls of those accursed web-wings closer and closer, I staggered into the house and made shocking obeisances before the enshrined amulet of green jade. After that we were both in the background. I shall be mangled in the morning I read of a gigantic hound. Mostly we held to the door and threw myself face down upon the ground.

I encountered a queer interruption; when a lean vulture darted down out of the devilish rituals he had loved in life.

-Earth until I killed him with a semi-canine face, and the ecstasies of the souls of those accursed web-wings closer and closer, I attacked the half frozen sod with a desperation partly mine and partly that of a crouching winged hound, or sphinx with a charnel fever like our own.

#H.P. Lovecraft #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains #1922 #The Hound #The Hound week

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kleinsensongbash · 7 years

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Can’t Sleep Love by Pentatonix

Written by Lissy (well-of-night on tumblr) in collaboration with the lovely Ashley (smashleyed on tumblr). This work wouldn’t be possible without you beta-ing me, thank you so much! xoxo

Tell me, am I going crazy? I have gone absolutely bat-shit insane. I thought this brand of crazy could only found in one Mr. Probably-A-School-Shooter Connor Murphy, but nope! I’ve literally never been this wrong in my entire life. It all started, as most things do for me, as a joke. I had stupidly decided to drag Evan to a small party a friend of a friend of an acquaintance of Alana’s was having. It would satisfy Heidi’s desire for Evan to go out more, and Evan would keep me sane until I found some booze. It was a win-win for everyone, you know? Well. Except Evan. The poor dude gravitated to the first empty seat he could find as soon as we got there, and I don’t really think I saw him for most of the party, which was fine, I guess. So I was sitting in this circle of idiots who have fun with party games, especially drinking games. Booze should be fun, and I always start the games, so I’m kind of the captain of these idiots, even if they don’t accept me as their amazing leader because they barely know who I am when they’re sober. Which is fine. Drunk party friends and regular sober friends shouldn’t ever mingle anyway. We were playing truth or dare. If you were too coward to fess up or do your dare, you drank. If you did your dare or told your truth, your challenger drank. I was pretty smashed, so everything I said and did was pure stupidity. But then again, when is it not, right? It fell upon Zoe Murphy to challenge someone, and she naturally picks me, the awesome team leader who hadn’t been picked at all yet. But Jared, you may be asking, how were you drunk if no one had picked you to challenge or anything? Well, I had made up my own side drinking game. Basically, whenever I felt too sober, I took a shot. That did the trick pretty well. So Zoe picks me and she puts up an offer that I couldn’t refuse, sober or drunk. “I’ll give you a truth and a dare. If you can do both, I’ll drink and give you a twenty.” she said, her eyes sparkling with something I’d call devilish delight. I didn’t even think twice. Hell, I didn’t think once. I accepted gleefully, not even considering that maybe she had a plan or something. “Truth or dare,” she prompted, and I very stupidly but very proudly said truth. She grinned at this, as if she anticipated my answer. The Murphys are fucking weird, I’m just saying, so maybe she did know what I’d pick first. “Would you date Evan Hansen?” she asked. Now that I look back on it, she was pretty drunk too, and the circle had been conspiring for a while without me really giving it much thought. So this was a group effort. Not just a Zoe Murphy thing. Probably. A shitty group thing to do, really, since it’s got me re-evaluating my entire fucking life. It was at this point I kind of gave Evan a glance. He was cowering in a corner, except he was on a sofa that was nowhere near the corner of the room. He was doing something on his shitty off-brand phone, probably playing SNAKE, knowing his social life. Now. anyone with a brain could probably tell that hell yes, I would. Anyone with a brain could tell you I adored Evan. Maybe it was because of how I totally zone out while he’s talking about trees and try to draw constellations on his faces using only his freckles and my mind, and my face maybe looks a little dumb while I do it. A smart person would be able to identify that I was super into Evan Hansen, what with my insisting on hanging out with him and asking him about trees just to get him going, or how I say stupid shit just to get him all red in the face… Any smart person with even something akin to one brain cell would know I was super gay for Evan and that my gay ass just didn’t notice it. And, well, I think we all know by now, I am not the smartest in the bunch. My drunken self, however, did not go on to reevaluate his entire existence until he was sober, which is right now. No,no, drunk me grinned. Drunk me beamed and slurred, “yeah, I guess, he’s pretty cute.” Zoe Murphy grinned, and it was almost like watching Satan himself smile up at me. “Now, I dare you to go tell him that.” And me, being the stupid broke ass I am, stumbled to get up, and waltzed over to Evan. Now, this part of the night is a little tricky. It was shortly after this that shit gets blackout drunk kinds of foggy. But I remember asking Evan how he was, and he stuttered back a very uncomfortable lie about how he was good and what not. The only thing I remember clearly is his reaction. I don’t know how I worded it, or if I even said it, but all I remember is Evan turning bright red. His eyes wide and his mouth agape, ready to say something that he’d never say. Or maybe he did say. And all I remember thinking before shit got foggy was how fucking adorable he looked all stunned and red-faced like that. Now, a week ago, if you had told me I would be realizing how deep I was in this, this gay-for-Evan-Hansen-hole, I would’ve called you crazy. I would’ve said, “fuck you, man, I’m a gay asshole but not like that!” or something dumb. I mean, I’m gay as fuck. I own fourteen different kinds of pride flags, for fuck’s sake. But I just got over a hangover and the first thing I fucking realized after that migraine went away and I could actually function again was something I’d never picture myself thinking or saying or even feeling. I’m gay for Evan.

Am I just afraid of loving? Okay, so after that weird gay revelation, I’ve been, like, avoiding Evan. It’s super shitty of me, but fuck! What am I supposed to do? Just prance around, hanging out with Evan like I hadn’t called him cute while smashed at a crappy teen kegger and holding myself back from telling him how nice he looks in blue, the color he wears basically every day? Fuck that. I’m basically running from my gay thoughts, and I’m already winded as fuck. I’m no athlete, believe me, and somehow even metaphorical exercise is tiring. Note to self: do something about that. It’s been like a week-ish since the party, and I haven’t talked to Evan “Ecosexual” Hansen since. Ecosexuals are apparently people attracted to trees, I saw an article about it. Almost sent it to Evan, just for shits and giggles. But then I remembered that would be a shitty thing to do after a week of not talking to him. I have about 117 unread messages from Evan– oh shit, scratch that. As of not even five seconds ago, I’ve got 118 unread messages from Evan. He hasn’t stopped texting me since the party. I’ve seen the little previews, it’s all “Are you okay, Jared?” “What did I do, Jared?” “Please text me back I’m worried, Jared.” This is actually hell. But, honestly? What am I supposed to do? I don’t want to chase him off with all my gay shit, even though he knows I’m gay. But you try telling a straight guy you’re gay for him! He’ll probably tell me to fuck off or something, in the way only Evan could: kind of polite and super terrified, and that’s the last thing I want. Because, you know, I still want to be his friend and all. I give him shit but I like having him around, you know? Telling him I like him would be a lose-lose situation anyway. Maybe I just need to cool off some more. Maybe in another week, I can pretend I don’t think Evan’s laugh makes me want to a punch a wall so I can feel something besides butterflies in my stomach because fuck his laugh is the cutest thing and… where was I going with that? Oh yeah. If I pretend hard enough, maybe we can hang out again. I’ll shove my shit so far into the closet, it’ll be having tea with Mr. Tumnus in Narnia. Because I can’t like Evan like that, he’s my friend, my family friend to make matters worse! That shit’s off limits, it’s like trying to date your cousin, and I’m way too up north to even be thinking about that shit. Whoops. There goes messages number 119 and 120. I really should text back, he might have a fucking panic attack by the time he reaches 150, if he hasn’t already. Maybe I can just tone it down with the whole liking him thing, it can’t be that hard. It’s not like he’ll figure out I wasn’t joking, because that’s me! Always joking! My initials are literally JK, just kidding, I mean… I can play it off as a joke. I have to because the alternative is telling him and I don’t think I can handle that rejection. I have to play it off as a drunken joke. I’ve just gotta be insanely cool about it. Just… chill out and pretend I’m not into him like that. I’m gonna text him back now, something like “yeah, dude, I’m okay, didn’t see your messages, all 120 of them! Haha weird right?” Well, maybe not that last bit. I’ll make up some bullshit excuse like “Oh, my phone was on silent” and play it so cool. So very cool. I think I can do this.

Keeps me up all night I can’t fucking do this. I thought it’d be super easy to just pretend, just like I do with all the other shit in my life, but nope! Not happening! Fuck! My little “fake it till I make it significantly less gay” plan lasted not even a week. It was going good, you know? I was hanging out with Evan at school, we talked like normal, whatever. And then on Thursday, he asked if he could sleep over Friday. He was all stuttery and red and wouldn’t stop messing with his shirt, so I said “sure, why not, I’ve got nothing to do.” Which was a lie because I’ve got so much fucking homework but… I mean, Evan almost never asked to hang out! This was such a rare thing, I had to jump on it. I wish “it” meant his dick, but alas. BAD JOKE, I KNOW, NOT AT ALL HELPFUL TO IGNORING MY GAY SHIT, MOVING ON. So for the rest of that day, I was super stressed. I even cleaned my room that night, and I unearthed my Wii so we could play some Mario Kart and I even found my SD card with Project M on it (the superior of all the Smash games, and it isn’t even really Nintendo!). I went to bed at like 9, which is… pretty fucking early on my standards, especially on a school night. What can I say? I just wanted it to be Friday already. I swear to fuck, I walked into school and all I remember is Evan. Walking to class with Evan, Evan talking about some tree or something, Evan asking me if he could just come right to my house with me… I was super zoned the fuck out. I don’t know if it was because I actually got sleep for once, or because my brain thought: Hey, you know how to make the sleepover come faster? Space the fuck out! It’s foolproof! (I’m writing this on my school computer so if I get fucking blocked for writing about an idiot’s gay crush on a guy who likes trees more than he probably likes his “family friend”, I’m suing) The school day ended as quickly as it started, and I walked out of class and pretty much crashed into Evan. Which is fucking weird, because he was supposed to be on the other side of the school and the bell had just rung. Not even he was that fast a walker. But whatever, he was there. He probably got out of class early or some shit, who knows how, it’s not like he had the balls to ask a teacher to let him go to the bathroom, let alone leave class early. Anyway. We walked together to my car, and at some point between my class and the main exit, Evan had latched onto me, his hands grasping lamely at my sleeve, and it’s not that I minded it at all, because he was probably just grounding himself or some weird Evan shit, but I kind of needed to get my keys and he was just preventing that from happening. I said something like “Can I get my arm back?” in my playful, not-trying-to-be-an-asshole way, and he dropped my arm like it was fucking on fire. He stuttered out an apology as I got out my keys, typical Evan shit. I let him know it was okay, with a “whatever” or a “it’s cool”. This shit happened like 12 hours ago, so excuse my lame ass for not having word for word accounts of what went down. We got to my house, I offered him something to eat, same old routine as always. He rejected my offering of food, I urged him to fucking eat something, he eventually did. We ate Totino’s pizza rolls because I’m a fucking sellout. And then we went up to my room, and I shit you not, all we did was play video games. For fucking 10 hours. Well, that’s bullshit. We sat around and talked too, when Evan was complaining about his hands cramping up from playing. He told me he was happy we were hanging out like this, I agreed. I asked him how therapy was going, and he mumbled an “okay I guess”. I didn’t even realize it was Saturday until Evan fell asleep. He had gotten tired of playing, and we were just sitting on my bed, so I was playing on my computer and he was watching. And then I felt his weight kinda shift and his head? Was on my fucking shoulder. Like. Fuck. I kept playing, though! What else was I gonna do? Tell him “hey bro get your head off my shoulder it’s giving me a case of the Gays”? No! And then I heard him snoring. It wasn’t any of that bullshit loud snoring, but this soft, barely audible snoring? That’s when I got the sense to check the time. It was fucking 2am. No wonder he passed out! He was like an old lady, he always slept at 10 or some shit. And he didn’t even say anything! So. We arrive at the present. In which I am too scared to move because I might wake him up. he’s really warm. I’m so tired, but I can’t go to sleep because I’d have to get up and put my laptop away and then get comfortable and that’d probably wake his ass up. plus, he looks so peaceful I’m not sleeping tonight, am I? Oh well, whatever. It’s worth it as long as he sleeps well. What the fuck is my problem, oh my God. I can accept being super gay for Evan, but c’mon. I gotta draw the line at “giving more of a shit about his sleep than mine”. I deserve sleep too. But maybe just for tonight… I’ll pull a fucking all nighter. Just for tonight, and just because Evan passed out on me. This is a one-time thing. He will not keep me up all night every night! Jared Kleinman deserves his fucking sleep!

I can’t do it anymore Dear Evan Hansen, Today’s going to be a good day and here’s why. You woke up with Jared next to you. Not in a creepy weird way, but… you fell asleep on him? And he passed out and fell back and you went along with him so you kind of were cuddling and it- It felt really nice. I came to terms with how I felt about Jared a long time ago, but never wanted to act on it. But I was too obvious, people noticed, people like Zoe noticed. Then the party happened. I didn’t want to go, but Jared almost begged me to go and I just ended up tagged along. But then he got hammered. I’ve never been a fan of alcohol? It messes with the medication and all, so it’s something I steer clear of. Jared was off playing some dumb drinking game, ignoring me, and I was plotting an escape, estimating how long it would take me to walk home. And then Jared stood up from his game and stumbled over to the sofa where I had been sitting. “Hey, Evan,” he slurred, and the smell of his gross booze breath made me gag.”How you doin?” I shifted a bit in my seat, because the correct answer was awful, I only came to hang out with you and instead I’m hanging out with the sofa in a house full of drunk people who probably hate me why am I even here Jared? So, instead, I managed a “I’m doing okay. And you?” He grinned. “M good… okay, so, Zoe wants me to tell you that I think… you’re really cute an’.. I’d totally date you.” It suddenly felt like 20 degrees hotter, my hands got all clammy and my face heated up. “Jared, you’re drunk,” I said, and he just laughed. “Hi, drunk, I’m gay,” he responded, which made zero sense, but- This was the problem, being around Jared. I can never tell what’s serious and what’s a joke and it is just so upsetting because maybe he’s kidding when he insists we’re just family friends but what’re the odds of that, you know? I never had the best luck with people, not even Jared. He’s something else, I think. Deep down, he’s not the worst, but…it’s hard to tell when he’s joking or not. After the party, he kind of avoided me? I got a little… worried. I couldn’t stop texting him. I thought, at the time, maybe I did something wrong. Maybe he was hurt and, and it was freaking me out. He did eventually answer me, and we went back to normal but not really. I caught him staring at me a lot, which wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been staring at him first. I have no idea what that’s even about. My therapist suggested I hang out with Jared, so I kind of invited myself over. And now I’m just.. in his room. He’s making breakfast, I think I hear him humming and everything. I have never thought I could read Jared that well, he’s kind of unpredictable. And mean. And sneaky. And he has weird eyes, but not bad weird? Definitely a good weird. And he has the cutest bedhead. I.. don’t remember where I was going with that. I’ll finish writing this later. Or maybe I’ll just rewrite this completely, because no way am I giving Dr. Sherman a letter of me confessing to myself that I’m in love with Jared. Not because liking Jared is bad, I just!! I don’t want Sherman to know? He’ll never let go of it. Ever. He’ll draw some wacko conclusion that I’m anxious because I’m confused or confused because I’m anxious or something that isn’t even true. I’m a senior with anxiety, too many facts about trees, and a huge crush on the closest thing to a friend I have. He’ll think I’m insane, or demented, or something awful. He’ll tell my mom and Jared’ll find out and I’ll just never ever hear the end of it. Jared’s calling me to eat. I think he made pancakes. He’s… so adorable. Sincerely, Me.

The kind I dream about all day Holy shit. Holy shit. Okay, so, Evan stayed over, slept on my bed, I made him breakfast, everything was all fine and dandy. I was cleaning up my room, putting shit away, when I found Evan’s laptop. Like. His actual laptop. I didn’t even fucking know he brought it, I was so confused. And then I fucking opened it. Evan has to write these letters to himself, it’s some therapy thing to help with his anxiety. And he had one open! I wasn’t going to read it, you know, it’s a private thing but then I saw my name and, well, I couldn’t fucking control myself. By the time I had processed it was about me, I had already read like a paragraph and a half. My brain just fucking fried after reading I came to terms about I felt about Jared a long time ago. Like.. the first little part of his letter made that seem like it had a great connotation to it, you know? A good kind of feeling about me? Right? So why the fuck am I freaking out that it’s something bad? I don’t have the balls to keep reading; it’s his therapy shit, I can’t just fucking read it! Besides, it’s about the party or some shit. I was there, I don’t need a recap! I really do not have any reason to keep reading Evan’s stupid sex letter to himself. No reason at all. Okay, I just read the whole fucking thing and HOLY SHIT. Evan has a crush on “the closest thing he has to a friend”. Which, based on the second gayest paragraph I’ve ever read (the first gayest was clearly written by me, somewhere in this shit), means me. Like. Me. Jared Kleinman. Evan Hansen has a crush on Jared Kleinman. Like. That’s me. It’s not like he has other friends, I mean, I’d know. Plus, the aforementioned second gayest paragraph seals the fucking deal. (Note to self: stop brushing your hair because Evan Fucking Hansen finds your bedhead cute) The real question now is what the fuck do I do with this information? I know Evan likes me, and that I like Evan. Evan probably suspects I like him? He can’t be that dense. Then again, I’m probably that dense. How didn’t I notice he liked me? He isn’t that secretive about shit, after all. Did the entire fucking world know except me? According to Evan, the answer to that is a huge fucking yes with a capital Y-E-S. Clearly, I have to return his laptop, right? That’s a valid excuse to talk to him. Just start with the laptop and somehow transition to “I heard you have a super gay crush on me, don’t ask who told me, I also have a huge gay crush on you, let’s be mega gays together.” Real classy. I’m sure that won’t give him a giant panic attack that’ll end up with him breathing into a paper bag. I’ll just text him. That works, I’ll just send him a little message, it’ll be fine. There, sent. U left ur laptop lol That’s casual! And very me. Probably won’t end in the fucking paper bag. So that’s taken care of. Fuck, I should pack up his laptop in something. Maybe he left his laptop bag too? Update: he did. I packed everything up and put it in a corner. I’m just gonna walk over to his house, hand over his computer and pretend I don’t know he likes me. He likes me. Evan Hansen likes me. I don’t think I’m ever getting over that? Knowing me, I’ll bring it up. I can’t not bring it up! How do you keep that shit under wraps?! When your crush likes you, you don’t just sit on that, right? You gotta tell them. I have to tell him. Fuck, I have to tell him. I think I’ve come full circle, how do I tell him? I’ll just.. sit him down. Tell him I like someone and that person is him, and is he okay with that? I’ll talk quick because otherwise he’ll think I’m talking about someone else, but it’s him. It’s always been him. I’m gonna go return his laptop. Fuck. Wish me luck? I really hope I don’t fuck this up.

Can’t sleep love Dear Evan Hansen, Today’s going to be a killer day and here’s why. Tomorrow is our six-month anniversary! Hell yeah! Exciting, right? I can’t fucking believe it’s only been six months. Feels like forever, doesn’t it? Wayy longer than that, but I kept track. I counted and everything. Six months ago, I showed up to your house with a laptop and told you I liked you. It… fucking took you a while to realize I wasn’t joking. After we cleared that shit up… well. Six months ago, we made out sooo fucking much. Maybe we can do that again sometime? Just saying. (insert :smirk: here) I literally am staying up writing this, because surprise, I forgot I wanted to do this before now. It’s almost midnight, I’m hoping to finish as soon as it’s our anniversary, and let you find it. Because I’m hilarious. As I’m writing this, you’re asleep and clinging to me. Like… it’s making writing very hard. Remind me to just be a super sappy asshole next time you’re doing homework with me anywhere around, as payback. Sometimes, I think long and hard about what the fuck I did to deserve you. I don’t think I have an answer yet, but you make me feel like I should. You make me feel so great, like I am worth attention and shit. I fucking love you for it, and I really hope I do the same for you. I almost hate myself less with you. Granted, it’s hard to stop hating me, so it’s a work in progress. Where was I going with that? Anyway. I don’t know how you write these things, even to yourself. It’s so difficult. I keep erasing things because once I write them, you know, maybe I can’t take them back. I could just delete this whole thing, but, there’s a point to this. Evan, I love you. Even if I don’t express it in the best way (in my defense, memes are a good way to express how I feel about you), it’s the truth. I love texting you first thing in the morning and going to the park with you (even if bugs seem to love me way too much) and all that good shit. I love falling asleep with you on the sofa and cuddling and making you get up and go to bed because the sofa is so uncomfortable?? How do you fall asleep on that?? Is it because I’m a kick-ass pillow?? I just love everything about you and I really fucking hope we have more anniversaries to come. But also, if you show anyone this letter, I’m dumping you for Connor Murphy, don’t fucking test me. I have never had a crush on him like someone thought, but I’ll get that weed-head to fall for me so hard, you won’t even know. All joking aside, though, happy anniversary and I love you. Sincerely, Me (your boyfriend. Jared Kleinman. That’s me. Still not over that.) P.S. Take these memes: http://tinyurl.com/evans-meme http://tinyurl.com/insert-gay-shit-here http://tinyurl.com/evan-meme-1 Happy anniversary (again) and… I love you.

#kleinsen #dear evan hansen #evan hansen #jared kleinman #kleinsen fic #hi lissy I love this so much #this is so sos so good #entries #submission

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dfroza · 5 years

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would you have arrested them?

or would you have a change of heart, to be changed by Light?

as Paul states the case of his heart this is what we see in Today’s reading of chapter 26 in the book of Acts that is paired with Zechariah 13

with 26 mirroring the 26th letter Z of the alphabet and 13 being half of that, as well as reflecting upon the timeframe of my work at P&C of 1 year and 3 months Today

and i do feel that writing is a significant work that points to Light and its rebirth

True illumination (inside, Anew)

chapter 26 of Acts:

“I Couldn’t Just Walk Away”

Agrippa spoke directly to Paul: “Go ahead—tell us about yourself.”

Paul took the stand and told his story. “I can’t think of anyone, King Agrippa, before whom I’d rather be answering all these Jewish accusations than you, knowing how well you are acquainted with Jewish ways and all our family quarrels.

“From the time of my youth, my life has been lived among my own people in Jerusalem. Practically every Jew in town who watched me grow up—and if they were willing to stick their necks out they’d tell you in person—knows that I lived as a strict Pharisee, the most demanding branch of our religion. It’s because I believed it and took it seriously, committed myself heart and soul to what God promised my ancestors—the identical hope, mind you, that the twelve tribes have lived for night and day all these centuries—it’s because I have held on to this tested and tried hope that I’m being called on the carpet by the Jews. They should be the ones standing trial here, not me! For the life of me, I can’t see why it’s a criminal offense to believe that God raises the dead.

“I admit that I didn’t always hold to this position. For a time I thought it was my duty to oppose this Jesus of Nazareth with all my might. Backed with the full authority of the high priests, I threw these believers—I had no idea they were God’s people!—into the Jerusalem jail right and left, and whenever it came to a vote, I voted for their execution. I stormed through their meeting places, bullying them into cursing Jesus, a one-man terror obsessed with obliterating these people. And then I started on the towns outside Jerusalem.

“One day on my way to Damascus, armed as always with papers from the high priests authorizing my action, right in the middle of the day a blaze of light, light outshining the sun, poured out of the sky on me and my companions. Oh, King, it was so bright! We fell flat on our faces. Then I heard a voice in Hebrew: ‘Saul, Saul, why are you out to get me? Why do you insist on going against the grain?’

“I said, ‘Who are you, Master?’

“The voice answered, ‘I am Jesus, the One you’re hunting down like an animal. But now, up on your feet—I have a job for you. I’ve handpicked you to be a servant and witness to what’s happened today, and to what I am going to show you.

“‘I’m sending you off to open the eyes of the outsiders so they can see the difference between dark and light, and choose light, see the difference between Satan and God, and choose God. I’m sending you off to present my offer of sins forgiven, and a place in the family, inviting them into the company of those who begin real living by believing in me.’

“What could I do, King Agrippa? I couldn’t just walk away from a vision like that! I became an obedient believer on the spot. I started preaching this life-change—this radical turn to God and everything it meant in everyday life—right there in Damascus, went on to Jerusalem and the surrounding countryside, and from there to the whole world.

“It’s because of this ‘whole world’ dimension that the Jews grabbed me in the Temple that day and tried to kill me. They want to keep God for themselves. But God has stood by me, just as he promised, and I’m standing here saying what I’ve been saying to anyone, whether king or child, who will listen. And everything I’m saying is completely in line with what the prophets and Moses said would happen: One, the Messiah must die; two, raised from the dead, he would be the first rays of God’s daylight shining on people far and near, people both godless and God-fearing.”

That was too much for Festus. He interrupted with a shout: “Paul, you’re crazy! You’ve read too many books, spent too much time staring off into space! Get a grip on yourself, get back in the real world!”

But Paul stood his ground. “With all respect, Festus, Your Honor, I’m not crazy. I’m both accurate and sane in what I’m saying. The king knows what I’m talking about. I’m sure that nothing of what I’ve said sounds crazy to him. He’s known all about it for a long time. You must realize that this wasn’t done behind the scenes. You believe the prophets, don’t you, King Agrippa? Don’t answer that—I know you believe.”

But Agrippa did answer: “Keep this up much longer and you’ll make a Christian out of me!”

Paul, still in chains, said, “That’s what I’m praying for, whether now or later, and not only you but everyone listening today, to become like me—except, of course, for this prison jewelry!”

The king and the governor, along with Bernice and their advisors, got up and went into the next room to talk over what they had heard. They quickly agreed on Paul’s innocence, saying, “There’s nothing in this man deserving prison, let alone death.”

Agrippa told Festus, “He could be set free right now if he hadn’t requested the hearing before Caesar.”

The Book of Acts, Chapter 26 (The Message)

and an act of cleansing is seen written about in chapter 13 of Zechariah:

[Washing Away Sins]

“On the Big Day, a fountain will be opened for the family of David and all the leaders of Jerusalem for washing away their sins, for scrubbing their stained and soiled lives clean.

“On the Big Day”—this is God-of-the-Angel-Armies speaking—“I will wipe out the store-bought gods, erase their names from memory. People will forget they ever heard of them. And I’ll get rid of the prophets who polluted the air with their diseased words. If anyone dares persist in spreading diseased, polluting words, his very own parents will step in and say, ‘That’s it! You’re finished! Your lies about God put everyone in danger,’ and then they’ll stab him to death in the very act of prophesying lies about God—his own parents, mind you!

“On the Big Day, the lying prophets will be publicly exposed and humiliated. Then they’ll wish they’d never swindled people with their ‘visions.’ No more masquerading in prophet clothes. But they’ll deny they’ve even heard of such things: ‘Me, a prophet? Not me. I’m a farmer—grew up on the farm.’ And if someone says, ‘And so where did you get that black eye?’ they’ll say, ‘I ran into a door at a friend’s house.’

“Sword, get moving against my shepherd,

against my close associate!”

Decree of God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

“Kill the shepherd! Scatter the sheep!

The back of my hand against even the lambs!

All across the country”—God’s Decree—

“two-thirds will be devastated

and one-third survive.

I’ll deliver the surviving third to the refinery fires.

I’ll refine them as silver is refined,

test them for purity as gold is tested.

Then they’ll pray to me by name

and I’ll answer them personally.

I’ll say, ‘That’s my people.’

They’ll say, ‘God—my God!’”

The Book of Zechariah, Chapter 13 (The Message)

to be accompanied by the writing of Today’s Psalms and Proverbs for Wednesday, january 22 of 2020 (Psalm 22 and Proverbs 22) along with Psalm 33 for the 33rd day of Winter

where an ancient picture of the Cross is seen by which we “believe...” in its cleansing of our own sins in the here, & now

the 31 verses of Psalm 22:

[A Prophetic Portrait of the Cross]

For the Pure and Shining One

King David’s song of anguish

To the tune of “The Deer at the Dawning of the Day”

God, my God!

Why would you abandon me now?

Why do you remain distant,

refusing to answer my tearful cries in the day

and my desperate cries for your help in the night?

I can’t stop sobbing.

Where are you, my God?

Yet I know that you are most holy; it’s indisputable.

You are God-Enthroned, surrounded with songs,

living among the shouts of praise of your princely people.

Our fathers’ faith was in you—

through the generations they trusted and believed in you

and you came through.

Every time they cried out to you in their despair,

you were faithful to deliver them;

you didn’t disappoint them.

But look at me now; I am like a woeful worm,

crushed, and I’m bleeding crimson.

I don’t even look like a man anymore.

I’ve been abused, despised, and scorned by everyone!

Mocked by their jeers, despised with their sneers,

as all the people poke fun at me, spitting their insults,

saying, “Is this the one who trusted in God?

Is this the one who claims God is pleased with him?

Now let’s see if your God will come to your rescue!

We’ll just see how much he delights in you!”

Lord, you delivered me safely from my mother’s womb.

You are the one who cared for me ever since I was a baby.

Since the day I was born, I’ve been placed in your custody.

You’ve cradled me throughout my days.

I’ve trusted in you and you’ve always been my God.

So don’t leave me now; stay close to me!

For trouble is all around me and there’s no one else to help me.

I’m surrounded by many violent foes;

mighty forces of evil are swirling around me

who want to break me to bits and destroy me.

Curses pour from their mouths!

They’re like ravenous, roaring lions tearing their prey.

Now I’m completely exhausted; I’m spent.

Every joint of my body has been pulled apart.

My courage has vanished and

my inward parts have melted away.

I’m so thirsty and parched—dry as a bone.

My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.

And now you’ve left me in the dust for dead.

They have pierced my hands and my feet.

Like a pack of wild dogs they tear at me,

swirling around me with their hatred.

They gather around me like lions to pin[g] my hands and feet.

All my bones stick out.

Look at how they all gloat over me and stare!

With a toss of the dice they divide my clothes among themselves,

gambling for my garments!

Lord, my God, please don’t stay far away.

For you are my only might and strength.

Won’t you come quickly to my rescue?

Give me back my life.

Save me from this violent death.

Save my precious one and only

from the power of these demons!

Save me from all the power of the enemy,

from this roaring lion raging against me

and the power of his dark horde.

I will praise your name before all my brothers;

as my people gather I will praise you in their midst.

Lovers of Yahweh, praise him!

Let all the true seed of Jacob glorify him with your praises.

Stand in awe of him, all you princely people,

the offspring of Israel!

For he has not despised my cries of deep despair.

He’s my first responder to my sufferings,

and he didn’t look the other way when I was in pain.

He was there all the time, listening to the song of the afflicted.

You’re the reason for my praise; it comes from you and goes to you.

I will keep my promise to praise you before all who fear you

among the congregation of your people.

I will invite the poor and broken,

and they will come and eat until satisfied.

Bring Yahweh praise and you will find him.

Your hearts will overflow with life forever!

From the four corners of the earth,

the peoples of the world will remember and return to the Lord.

Every nation will come and worship him.

For the Lord is King of all, who takes charge of all the nations.

There they are! They’re worshiping!

The wealthy of this world will feast in fellowship with him

right alongside the humble of heart,

bowing down to the dust, forsaking their own souls.

They will all come and worship this worthy King!

His spiritual seed shall serve him.

Future generations will hear from us

about the wonders of the Sovereign Lord.

His generation yet to be born will glorify him.

And they will all declare, “It is finished!”

The Book of Psalms, Poem 22 (The Passion Translation)

and the 22 verses of Psalm 33:

Release your heart’s joy in sweet music to the Eternal.

When the upright passionately sing glory-filled songs to Him, everything is in its right place.

Worship the Eternal with your instruments, strings offering their praise;

write awe-filled songs to Him on the 10-stringed harp.

Sing to Him a new song;

play each the best way you can,

and don’t be afraid to be bold with your joyful feelings.

For the word of the Eternal is perfect and true;

His actions are always faithful and right.

He loves virtue and equity;

the Eternal’s love fills the whole earth.

The unfathomable cosmos came into being at the word of the Eternal’s imagination, a solitary voice in endless darkness.

The breath of His mouth whispered the sea of stars into existence.

He gathers every drop of every ocean as in a jar,

securing the ocean depths as His watery treasure.

Let all people stand in awe of the Eternal;

let every man, woman, and child live in wonder of Him.

For He spoke, and all things came into being.

A single command from His lips, and all creation obeyed and stood its ground.

The Eternal cripples the schemes of the other nations;

He impedes the plans of rival peoples.

The Eternal’s purposes will last to the end of time;

the thoughts of His heart will awaken and stir all generations.

The nation whose True God is the Eternal is truly blessed;

fortunate are all whom He chooses to inherit His legacy.

The Eternal peers down from heaven

and watches all of humanity;

He observes every soul

from His divine residence.

He has formed every human heart, breathing life into every human spirit;

He knows the deeds of each person, inside and out.

A king is not delivered by the might of his army.

Even the strongest warrior is not saved by his own strength.

A horse is not the way to victory;

its great strength cannot rescue.

Listen, the eye of the Eternal is upon those who live in awe of Him,

those who hope in His steadfast love,

That He may save them from the darkness of the grave

and be kept alive during the lean seasons.

We live with hope in the Eternal. We wait for Him,

for He is our Divine Help and Impenetrable Shield.

Our hearts erupt with joy in Him

because we trust His holy name.

O Eternal, drench us with Your endless love,

even now as we wait for You.

The Book of Psalms, Poem 33 (The Voice)

[Proverbs 22]

A beautiful reputation is more to be desired than great riches, and to be esteemed by others is more honorable than to own immense investments.

The rich and the poor have one thing in common: the Lord God created each one.

A prudent person with insight foresees danger coming and prepares himself for it. But the senseless rush blindly forward and suffer the consequences.

Laying your life down in tender surrender before the Lord will bring life, prosperity, and honor as your reward.

Twisted and perverse lives are surrounded by demonic influence. If you value your soul, stay far away from them.

Dedicate your children to God and point them in the way that they should go, and the values they’ve learned from you will be with them for life.

If you borrow money with interest, you’ll end up serving the interests of your creditors, for the rich rule over the poor.

Sin is a seed that brings a harvest; you’ll reap a heap of trouble with every seed you plant. For your investment in sins pays a full return–the full punishment you deserve!

When you are generous to the poor, you are enriched with blessings in return.

Say goodbye to a troublemaker and you’ll say goodbye to quarrels, strife, tension, and arguments, for a troublemaker traffics in shame.

The Lord loves those whose hearts are holy, and he is the friend of those whose ways are pure.

God passionately watches over his deep reservoir of revelation-knowledge, but he subverts the lies of those who pervert the truth.

A slacker always has an excuse for not working—like “I can’t go to work. There’s a lion outside!And murderers too!”

Sex with an adulteress is like falling into the abyss. Those under God’s curse jump right in to their own destruction.

Although rebellion is woven into a young man’s heart, tough discipline can make him into a man.

There are two kinds of people headed toward poverty: those who exploit the poor and those who bribe the rich.

[Sayings of the Wise Sages]

Listen carefully and open your heart. Drink in the wise revelation that I impart. You’ll become winsome and wise when you treasure the beauty of my words. And always be prepared to share them at the appropriate time.

For I’m releasing these words to you this day, yes, even to you, so that your living hope will be found in God alone, for he is the only one who is always true.

Pay attention to these excellent sayings of three-fold things. For within my words you will discover true and reliable revelation.

They will give you serenity so that you can reveal the truth of the word of the one who sends you.

Never oppress the poor or pass laws with the motive of crushing the weak. For the Lord will rise to plead their caseand humiliate the one who humiliates the poor.

Walk away from an angry man or you’ll embrace a snare in your soul by becoming bad-tempered just like him.

Why would you ever guarantee a loan for someone else or promise to be responsible for his debts? For if you fail to pay you could lose your shirt!

The previous generation has set boundaries in place. Don’t you dare move them just to benefit yourself.

If you are uniquely gifted in your work, you will rise and be promoted. You won’t be held back—you’ll stand before kings!

The Book of Proverbs, Chapter 22 (The Passion Translation)

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sow-ay · 7 years

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I received many private messages from people asking for help because they didn’t know how to talk about their mental health issues to their friends or families. I’m not good at giving advice but from my experience, hearing other people’s stories gives a lot of courage, makes me feel understood and less alone. I’m so glad to help people with a simple story or drawings. I apparently saved lives! I’m so proud of that, I can’t quite believe it.

I thought I could share my full story with you like I did with some. That’s incredibly scary to share. I’m so scared to imagine my friends or old coworkers reading this but I guess helping people is more important.

I’ve never really known what was wrong with me, so I drew a character who had the same issues. He was not happy with his life, felt lonely all the time, had no self-esteem (like -967272074%), loved music way more than he loved himself, and was often biting his nails until his fingers were bleeding. You know this character if you’re following me.

At that time, I was refused by every art school. Some even told me my drawings were useless. I was 18 and already felt like I had failed my life so drawing was not enough to make me feel better. I was not enough. Not enough to be accepted in art school. Not enough for anything.

I think music woke me up. I remember being alone, listening to music with my headphones, in a large space, with people and students walking around. I was drawing my character. He was depressed and I heard, “Best, you’ve gotta be the best” in my ears. That was “Butterflies and Hurricanes” by Muse. (I cried when I heard it live.) That was 6-7 years ago.

I texted a friend about all those things in my head. Let’s call her Satan. She followed everything from the first doubts to the day I could finally put a name on it. She will probably read this and I’m glad she exists. (She’ll probably cry while reading this line and I’m not even sorry.) For me, depression was for weak people at this time. It was only in their heads. And I simply couldn’t understand how a human being could think about ending their life. (Damn, this is really getting serious and even more scary for me..)

My head was still messed up, and I was having more and more insomnia. It got gradually worse and worse. I think my other friends knew I had sleep issues but only knew that at the time. My “solution” was to keep my mind busy by working and over-working on personal projects even if it felt pointless. I HAD to stay busy to avoid this little voice in my head that was constantly telling me I was not enough. I felt like I was ALWAYS lacking energy and motivation even if I was over-working. I had some really depressive nights that just ended with me thinking, “What’s the point of living?” That’s how I understood how someone could think about suicide.

The insomnia was getting worse and the anxiety seemed inhuman but I didn’t know what that was, so I only talked about the insomnia or the physical symptoms caused by anxiety to my doctor. I had huge chest pain and was convinced it was cancer or that I would have a heart attack. I always wait until I can no longer go on to finally dare going to the doctor. “But you’re so young, you’re not even 20.” In my head that was, “Oh my god, am I that fucked up !!?? I’m so weak. I suck. I hate myself.”

I had some sleeping pills (that didn’t work) and I kept working and creating stuff all the time. I wanted to get better, so I could make a living off of my work, so I did tons of things. Until I burnt out.

It’s “funny” because I knew I was getting off limits. I kept working and working because I stupidly thought that would make my mind quieter. I was tired all the time, I couldn’t sleep, had no energy and didn’t know why I was doing all of this. It felt pointless.

I started a new band with my friends (another project again!) because I thought music could save me (and it did help a lot, that’s the best thing I’ve done in this mental battle). I needed something to keep me sane. Day at work (I had a full time-work at this time), evening staying busy on personal projects or making my stuff ready for the weekends I spent at art shows or conventions.

Those shows ended up being huge failures so that didn’t help mentally at all.

I suddenly realized I could no longer go on like this when I had a huge panic attack during a concert in 2016. (The Last Shadow Puppets. It was amazing, by the way. The bromance between Miles and Alex is at a tumblr level.) At the time, I didn’t know what a panic attack was. I just felt like I was dying, or at least thought I was going to pass out. I spent the following days hugely depressed, panicked, and had no motivation and energy at all. It was worse than anything I’ve ever felt before. Like music was no longer safe for me. Music had always helped. Knowing I had a show coming always made me happy. But this show destroyed everything. I had 4 other shows in the following months. But I just couldn’t.

I again ended up thinking, “What’s the point ? Why should I keep living ?” like during many depressive episodes. But this time it was really stronger. And it really wasn’t a good time for this (can there be a good time for this?). Getting back to work after that panic attack simply felt IMPOSSIBLE. Going to my friend’s birthday on the saturday also seemed impossible. It was invisible and had to remain invisible. I was scared to have another panic attack or to suddenly fall apart in front of my friends, and they couldn’t see that I’m broken.

It was so strong that I texted Satan. I needed her to know. Then I told my mom I maybe had depression. I always need my Satan ’s support for this. I always need to feel reassured about everything I do. Before publishing this I had to ask her.

Then came the saturday and my friend’s birthday. It was just a drink in a bar, but I was so “sick” (I still thought it was just me that was not enough and not that I was sick) that I texted the 2 organizers to explain to them the madness that was going on and that I might not find the strength to come.

Like every time, I showed up. For my friends. To not disappoint them. I felt so off, I can’t tell what happened. I just stayed for the drink and left before the evening because that was already too much. I remember that a friend hugged me before I left and not crying at this moment was super hard.

The following day, I explained everything to all the friends that were there in a message (I again needed to be supported by Satan before that). Because imagining what they could think of me, all those stories I was making in my head were killing me.

At the moment I pressed “enter”, I instantly wanted to disappear. “OMG, I DID IT. They’ll read it and hate me. I suck. I want to die. I hate myself. Will they answer?”

And they were super understanding! What a relief! WOAH! After that, I felt better about publishing my drawings online, because I was no longer scared for my friends to find it.

I stopped working on all my personal projects and spent all my time out of work in bed haunted by a mental ghost, thinking I couldn’t get back to work on the following day or on Monday. I spent the beautiful summer weekends watching the sky at my window from my bed. I was so messed up.

With time, I talked about it with more friends, like my band mates. To explain to them that I was freaking out before a concert or a rehearsal. I even dared refusing to play a gig because of the panic. Saying no was the hardest thing ever.

Not everyone was cool about that. I kept hearing, “It’s in your head” and that’s far from being over.

Since the concert that changed everything, I had some other huge panic attacks. Those panic attacks made me scared to go out. It was stronger than my usual generalized and social anxiety. I usually ended up at the doctor trying to explain this and had many blood tests. As these were really physical symptoms, they didn’t immediately think it was a mental illness. I was paranoid. Like, “Oh my god, I’m gonna die. Maybe it's cancer.”

The worst attack I had was during one of my art show openings. I spent half of the evening throwing up, had huge vertigo, couldn’t see clearly and even had huge tinnitus. It felt like I was out of reality. People were here but far away. I couldn’t hear or see them clearly. I really thought I was going to die or pass out and people couldn’t see me like that. I ended up texting Satan from the toilets. I had to leave earlier and I hated myself so much. My projects and artworks were betraying and abandoning me, like music after THE concert.

This time, I accepted the work leave my doctor was telling me to take for months.

It’s been 6 months. I still have huge depressive episodes. I took a Netflix account. I spent months not being able to get out because of panic disorder. I drew when I had thoughts I needed to get out of my head. Some folks apparently liked it and I ended up on the Huffington Post and many other websites in over 7-8 languages. Many people told me their stories. I always answered. I apparently saved lives. Saved Christmas’ lonely night for someone. How can I help people when I cannot even help myself?

Today, I was too tired to leave my bed. That happens. But my biggest fear these days is to get better. I’ve never really known how it feels and I’m so scared of it. What if I relapse? I don’t want to no longer feel like myself, don’t want to lose my creativity. Getting back to work simply feels impossible. I just can’t. And I still hate myself so much. (If you can see some mistakes, I’m sorry, English is not my first language)

(I wrote this in 2017 so maybe I’ll update it later)

#depression #insomnia #anxiety #mental health #mental illness #panic disorder #art #artists on tumblr #hope #suicide #suicidal

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i-amusemyself · 7 years

Note

All of the 'Get to Know Me'.

Aaaah tysm!!!

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

(Jokes on you I only usually have 3 songs on repeat at any one time :’-D ) Atm though: Work Song - Hozier, Rats- Miw, Wastelands- Amber Run, Dragula- Rob Zombie, Fireflies- Owl city (yh really), To build a home- The cinematic orchestra.

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

I…don’t know. I’m really not that into meeting ‘idols’ or anything. I guess it’d be pretty cool to meet Kaitlyn Alexander but honestly I’m not sure the anxiety would be worth it.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

“It’s a body,” I said, “A dead body.” lmao

4: What do you think about most?

I imagine what life is going to be like when I get to uni or who/what it’ll be that finally makes me happy.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Off to stuff my face with chinese food, talk to you later bro”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Clothes on unless it’s above 25 degrees bc I don’t wanna die (like that)

7: What’s your strangest talent?

Lmaooo talent?! Me?! Idk I’m learning how to do special effects makeup and a couple of people have said its p cool. Also I can do this weird thing with my tongue where it basically rolls in on itself (seems to be genetic)

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are all ethereal goddesses out of my league.

Boys are not my area of expertise.

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

As if lmao! Ain’t no one ever liked me that much.

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

I can’t remember so I did it just now to make up for it.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

I hate cuddly toys with battery packs in them with a passion.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Nooo

13: What’s your religion?

Don’t have one, I’m an atheist.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Cleaning up my rabbits’ mess.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind it I think

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Honestly it depends on the time of day, when I last ate, the luna cycle… I genuinely don’t have one I can’t answer that

17: What was the last lie you told?

Um, I lied about what I watched on TV last night lmao

18: Do you believe in karma?

I’m not sure, I kinda just hope it exists and that helps keep me sane.

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self explanatory lmao

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I don’t know, for the weakness I’m torn between caring too much and saying the wrong thing.

And I wouldn’t call it a major strength but I have a lot of patience.

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

I don’t know (I barely have an interest in anything atm), given I have an entire fanblog dedicated to them I’ll say Kaitlyn Alexander again

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Nope not yet

23: How do you vent your anger?

I have a personal blog ( @the-emotional-equilibrium ) that I rant on

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

I have an embarrassing number of kermit memes on my phone

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Video chatting for sure, I like to be able to see people’s faces (also I hate phone calls they’re too awkward).

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I think I’m a work in progress really. I’m happier with myself than I used to be, but there’s always things I want to change or could improve on and I know I’m never going to be perfect.

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

I hate the sound of fabric being ripped, it makes me shiver but I love, idk, that sound when you’re just lying outside and you can hear the birds and stuff. Idk, I don’t listen to much besides music.

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

Argh, erm, I wonder how different life would have been if I’d learnt to stand up for myself earlier. I’d probably have fewer regrets.

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

Ghosts I’m really not sure about. Up until recently I would’ve said no, but honestly I don’t know what to believe anymore. As for aliens they’re definitely real.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right arm: A cushion on the sofa. Left arm: The wall. Exciting right?

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Chicken! (Making lunch atm)

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Lmfaooooo idk???? Not a physical place anyway. When I was really little I once had to stand outside in the snow for about 3 hours and I remember being pretty sure I was gonna die, like it was such a horrible feeling being that cold.

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

East coast! I mean, that’s just based on where my friend lives and nothing else but

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Lmfao opposite?! Okay so let’s just assume that means a guy but erm? Idk? Okay I admit I have a slight thing for half the guys in MIW so lets just go with that

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To have the best time possible and end it with minimal regrets. Also to try to help other people to have a better time to.

36: Define Art.

Stuff you can look at that takes actual talent and imagination.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Not really? I mean sometimes I might consider things Unlucky but tbh I have no idea what I mean by that.

38: What’s the weather like right now?

Pretty boring tbh, it’s just a grey sky with a bit of a breeze.

39: What time is it?

2:49 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

I passed my test a few months back but I haven’t driven since so thankfully I haven’t had a chance to crash yet

41: What was the last book you read?

The 5 people You Meet in Heaven….and that was last July smh

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Love it. It’s the smell of my childhood.

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Most people at school call me Scaz and most my friends outside of school refer to me as Chorlo. (or Wholemeal Chorlo if your name is ellie)

44: What was the last film you saw?

I watched Shrek 2 last night lmfao I forgot how good it was!!

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I’ve broken quite a few bones but I’m lucky never to have done anything awful. Um, the worst was probably when I broke my elbow or when I tore my side open on a nail jumping off a fence.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Aaah yeah I used to catch them every summer!

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

I guess I’m between obsessions at the minute; though I’m kind of hooked on supernatural ngl

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

Fuck knows. Not straight. I defo like girls but idk about guys.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Multiple smh. This one girl once spread a rumor I was a lesbian and I was gay for her (before I even came out) and tbh she’d have been lucky. (She was kinda obsessed with me, she was probs suppressing something). It did kinda ruin my confidence though because of all the reactions so I didn’t come out for another 2 years.

50: Do you believe in magic?

I don’t know what to believe anymore, but I’m kind of open to learning more about it.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yeah smh. I have a pretty high Grudge Threshold in that I give people a lot of chances but once they reach that level there’s no going back and I won’t forget what they did.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Libra

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I either save it for months or blow my savings in an hour.

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

A bus ticket?

55: Love or lust?

Love defo

56: In a relationship?

As if lmao

57: How many relationships have you had?

Three, but none of them lasted that long

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

Nope

59: Where were you yesterday?

At home all day working

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

I’m sitting on a pink sofa lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Yeaaah, one is glittery the other has skulls on which sums me up pretty well tbh

62: What’s your favourite animal?

I love so many animals I don’t know!! Capybaras? Alpacas? Giraffes? Chimps? Idk?!

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Lmaoooo I have no idea I haven’t found it yet

64: Where is your best friend?

3918 miles away on the east coast of the USA (I get to see her in 9 days though I’m so excited!!)

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

(I won’t tag them but in no particular order) Pansexi-unicorn, onetinygay, shrekthelesbian, oneshappyplace and only-slightly-dangerous

66: What is your heritage?

I’m white as a toilet m8. Nah a lot of my family comes from Denmark/scandinavia which you can kind of tell from looking at me tbh

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping. Sorry that’s not more interesting.

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I think it’s like, double barrel as in May-Trump or something

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Maybe..

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Errrm, sort of? I try to make an effort, so that’d be nice. But I’m so quiet and shy sometimes that if I was friends with myself we’d probably never talk lmao

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, no doubt about it. If my boss is that much of a dick I’ll probably lose my job sooner or later, so I might as well lose it helping out a doggo.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I’d tell the people closest to me, but maybe not straight away depending on how I thought they’d react.

b) I’d probably blow my saving and go travelling. I mean, what else is there to do? Oh and finish bingewatching all my shows at that time bc dying on a cliffhanger would really piss me off.

c) Maybe a little? Just because once you die you’re alone with whatever the hell comes after (pun not intended).

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Argh?! Trust? I guess? No point having love if you can’t trust people.

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men and Fireflies by Owl City. They both bring on such nostalgia.

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6666 as far as the internet is concerned.

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Just like, having someone you can chill with and open up to. Someone where you don’t have to care about embarrassing yourself with or worry about constantly because you trust them. Just like, a super cool friendship but with kissing.

77: How can I win your heart?

Don’t be afraid to be yourself I guess. I love interesting people that don’t pretend to be someone else. Also interesting people with swords.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Who am I to answer that? Idk, I suppose yeah.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Cutting off shitty people and actually valuing myself enough to find new friends.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

7 (could be a lot worse given my height)

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something along the lines of “I’m just dormant” or “Nothing is set in stone.”

82: What is your favourite word?

Un sacapuntas

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Break

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

“I amuse myself” or “what the fuck”

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Alive (i think its called) by Sia

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Black, red and purple

87: What is your current desktop picture?

It’s a galaxy spacey thing

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I’m torn between Putin and Kim Jong Un (no need to worry about Trump, I’m sure someone already has a plan.)

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

The third question in my inbox rn lmao

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

(I was so tempted to say “ask if they prefer being the big or little spoon” why am I like this)

Idk id probs strike up a convo whilst looking around the room for the best weapon just in case.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Hmmm, I think mind reading would be useful but it might make my anxiety even worse! So that or teleportation.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Any half hour when I wasn’t stressed about exams lmao (bonus if the weather was good)

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

A guy did something that I wish he hadn’t and I’m still fucked up by it sooo that.

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

I honestly don’t know, it’s not something I’ve thought about with “music-celebrities” lmao

Edit: Hold up I’ve just remembered Halsey exists.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

The place I’m going in 9 dayyys!! (Or Copenhagen)

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not that I know of.

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

When I was really little and hopefully never again

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yup a couple of times

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

For fucks sake can’t you all just educate yourselves and get along? Stop. Killing. Each. Other.

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memento-vitabrevis · 7 years

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On Me: Background

I grew up Southern Baptist, in a family as devout as you can imagine for one that lives in the Bible Belt. My family is conservative, Republican, and completely devoted to upholding the infallible Word of God. I was taught to be reverent towards God and his holiness. I was taught not to question the Almighty Creator of the Universe, that he is omniscient and all-powerful, and that my soul would be doomed to hell if I did not follow the teachings of Jesus. I was taught to be a perfect Christian, and this is my story:

Through my life I had brief flirtations with the idea that there is no God, with the earliest of these taking place during my childhood. As we all know, you are either a dinosaur kid or a space kid, and I was unashamedly a dinosaur kid. People who know me now might be surprised to hear me say that, seeing as how I’ve done a 180 to become a space adult, but I happened to miss the golden age of paleontology by a few decades, and decided to move on like any smart person would.

Now, in being a dinosaur kid, I had lots of dinosaur toys, dinosaur movies, and dinosaur books. Not one of these resources ever mentioned God, though they always mentioned “millions of years of evolution.” It never occurred to child-me that by accepting that dinosaurs evolved into birds, and we humans evolved from early mammals, that I would be contradicting the beliefs of Christianity that I had so faithfully adhered to for my short, vulnerable life. No one ever really corrected me, but I eventually discovered that “the theory of evolution” was considered a big no-no by Christians, and so I shrugged my shoulders and decided to deal with that later.

My second flirtation with the idea of a Godless universe came much later: High School. By that time I had mastered the art of being a model Christian. I went to church every Sunday, I went to Sunday School, I attended youth events even though I despised socializing, I joined every Christian club in my school, and I focused every single one of my insignificant crushes on Christians. It was when I took my advanced biology course that I once more began to question the existence of God.

My class held a series of mock-debates, and I found myself intrigued by the arguments the obviously non-Christian views gave: pro-abortion, pro-evolution, and separation of church and state. My Christian friends were disgusted by the Christian-opposing views, but I saw the validity in all of them. How can we say that a blastocyst has a soul, when a soul is not a thing we can empirically measure? How ridiculous can we make our Creationist explanations for the progression of species in the fossil record before we sound like we’re trying to yet again convince people that the earth is flat? Why should we force Christianity in public schools when we have so many people practicing non-Christian faiths attending these schools? However, the strong opinions of my friends and family forced me to once again file these thoughts away to be examined at a later date.

By the time I got to college, all of these thoughts were starting to gain the momentum that would eventually urge me to agnosticism. The college I attended was a small, private, Baptist, liberal arts university, and had I attended a public university, or even a non-Christian university, I would have no doubt found my agnosticism sooner, but I would most likely hold a vicious animosity towards Christianity.

Just to give a bit more depth to the following paragraphs, let me outline my belief system from my first day of my Freshman year of college:

There is one God, the God of the Holy Bible, omniscient, all-powerful, etc, etc

Jesus is God incarnate, he died for the sins of humanity and rose on the third day then ascended into heaven to sit at the right hand of God, and He will come again to take His saints to the promised paradise that is Heaven

God exists in a trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

God created the universe from nothing, and from the universe He created every living thing as it exists today. There is no evolution from one species into another, and such speciation is a myth of Science

Those who were not chosen by God as one of His saints will spend an eternity of agony in Hell, alongside Satan and his demons, because they all trespassed against God

The saints are predetermined by God, and there is nothing any man can do to gain favor with God; You are either chosen or condemned

It is the sacred duty of each believer to take the Gospel to the four corners of the world, to tell every nation the things God has done and the things He will do, and in telling the Gospel to them you open the door for them to be chosen by God to be one of His saints

I’m sure there’s more that could be relevant, but I think that about sums up the whole of it regarding major theologies.

There were three main steps in my abandonment of Christianity:

Disillusionment with Christians: My disillusionment with Christians began my Freshman year of college. This being a Christian-affiliated school, I came across individuals who hailed from all corners of both Catholic and Protestant denominations. My favorites of these individuals were those who only scarcely acknowledged their faith and adherence to doctrine. I quietly despised those who were so extreme in their beliefs that they verbally and emotionally assaulted any and all who questioned them. More often than not, I kept my opinions to myself, and I saw many who I had befriended be tortuously beat down by theology and threats of eternal damnation. Naturally, queer individuals got the worst of it.I continuously thought to myself: what God would want this for his creations? What God would condone such abuse? How could this be holy and righteous?

Disillusionment with Christian Theology: My disillusionment with Christian Theology soon followed my disillusionment with Christians themselves. Naturally, I had started to question the fabric of my faith at this point: Who is God? What does God want from us? What is our purpose? Why would God choose some to revel in salvation but choose others to suffer in damnation? These questions tortured me for a while, and by my Junior Year of college, I enrolled in a class that would prove to be the final test of my faith: Science and Religion.

Rejecting the Faith: The Science and Religion class I took gave me the opportunity to openly question religion and its claims against science. Ultimately, my faith crumbled away and my inner nature showed itself to the world. I have always been empirically minded, since high school and even since my childhood, but I never had the chance to consider what that meant for my belief system. And finally, when the opportunity presented itself, I laid everything out on the table.

My conclusion: there is no empirical evidence for the existence of God, but just as it cannot be proven that God does exist, it also cannot be proven that God does not exist. I stumbled into agnosticism and found myself very comfortable where I had landed. No longer will I walk by faith, but from now on I will walk by sight. That is simply how I work, and I now find myself comfortably settled in the world.

In the fullness of my rejection of Christianity, I had somehow become the leader of one of the Christian Clubs on campus. I should have taken that moment to run for the hills, but due to all sorts of other pressures, I had something to prove. I stuck it out, playing the part, acting as an advocate for Christ and all that hoopla. It was torture. I somehow made it out of all that sane with a BS in Biology, so yay me!

This is obviously the abridged version of my religious and intellectual background, but I believe it serves as a good basis for what this blog/journal is to become. I have many topics to write on, most of them already fleshed out, others that are a bit more nebulous than concrete. I am also open to suggested topics, if for some reason this blog ends up with followers, so if you are a follower (where did you come from???) then feel free to invade my inbox and leave a question or comment or insult.

Thanks for reading, if there are any readers out there.

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