#saying that people that burn out a lot aren't fit to be writers feels a bit ableist to me as well lmao don't listen to that

[eternalglitch]

Hey, so I'm the person who sent you the ask three days ago asking how you cope with burnout and such. I just want to say the advice you gave was hands down the best writing advice I've ever gotten, and it gave me so much hope. I have to thank you for not answering how many tend to do with the passive-aggressive "Perhaps writing just isn't for you if you can't push through burnout. 🙃" as well, because I can't tell you how much that has beat me down.

I've now gone from an average of thirty minutes of writing a day until I lose motivation to THREE HOURS. That's the quickest, most drastic progress I've EVER made.

You inspired me so much. I wish I could hug you. Ily.

You've been given silly advice in the past. The only time I would ever warn someone that way (and I say "that way" loosely because that delivery SUCKS) is if they were trying to live 100% off of their writing, because bills are bills and you can't wait for inspiration if that's your job.

But writing as a hobby, as a skill, as an act of creation that humans frequently engage in? Absolutely there is room for everybody. The people that tend to be hit hardest with burnout (in my experience) burn the brightest when actively in the act of creating. They can put together things in a short span of time that would be impossible for other people. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and rather than hold one brain wiring or whatever up as "better" I think learning how to work with what you have will eventually work with you to create something that feels worthwhile. You just need to be patient and kind to yourself until you get there.

I've also had some pretty bad writing teachers. I'm not interested in being that kind of hurdle to "overcome" in anyone else's writing journey by being anything other than encouraging.

Congrats on the progress!! I hope it stays with you, and when it lapses again I hope you enjoy having time to rest and enjoy yourself in other ways so you're ready to go again when the time comes :}

[Sends a virtual hug your way.]

[cheriladycl01]

I have just got into F1 and it’s fast become my autistic hyperfixation and I’m glad I’ve found writers like you! I was wondering if maybe you could write something for Nico? He’s my favourite! Maybe reader has a bad crash or something similar to your heat fic where reader faints into his arms/ has a febrile seizure from dehydration and heat stroke after a race? Just lots of hurt/comfort. No worries if it doesn’t inspire. Thank you for doing what you do 💕💕

The Toughest Race so Far - Nico Hulkenburg x Driver! Reader

Plot: After one of the toughest races of your life, you and Nico need to have serious conversation about your health.

A/N! 1) I'm hoping i got the right Nico and you didn't want Nico Rosberg! If you did, let me know and I'll right one for Nico Rosberg! 2) As someone with ADHD, i 100% get the hyperfixation and how much it grips you!

You were getting out the car, well trying to and your legs and arms refused to work. It was like they were actually glued to the seat. You just sat there, head ringing not really sure what to do and how to gp forward.

Some of the Stake Team come up to you, checking to see if you were actually alive in the cockpit or if you'd passed out. Your own team hadn't come and found you yet.

They start to try talk to you but nothings going in, and staying in so your communication is ineffective.

You feel void of anything and all the sounds around you are blurring into one. There's a numbness in your hands and legs that is burning but also non-existent, like numbness should be. It was confusing for your mind that had just gone through that uphill battle of a race.

It was like your body was failing on you and you could only sit back and watch it.

Eventually your team, of RedBull come over to you. Not that you could tell the difference between the Stake Suits and the Red Bull ones at this point, faces were just blobs right now and your mind couldn't comprehend colours.

They reach in to help lift you out so your stood up outside the car leant against the body. One of the mechanics has a hand resting on your arm keeping you steady while another reaches to take your helmet off and another goes for you balaclava that's covered in saliva.

However, the minute your legs are left to work for themself with out the support they starts to wobble. Your head starts to spin, and your vision blurs, the last thing you could remember being your body convulsing before you smacked the door where you continued shaking.

"Oh my god! Someone help her!" someone exclaimed as they saw you on the floor and seconds later a medical team that were already on their way heading towards you after being radioed by the team you weren't looking too great.

There were people flooding around you, one of them opened up your race suit that was drenched through.

"Babe?" a voice called as Nico jumped out his car spotting you thrashing on the floor. He himself wasn't feeling great from the heat either but you'd just managed to fight your way from P20 all the way up to P6 to get in the points.

It was probably the drive of your career having set the fastest lap, fastest pit stop and received driver of the day. Despite all the podiums, wins and poles you'd had, this was the drive.

He looked over you as they took you onto the stretcher as you were unresponsive.

"What's wrong with her is she okay?" he asks walking over closer to the medics that were surrounding you.

"We aren't sure but we need to get her to the medical tent right away, please go back to your team!" one of them says while they fit an oxygen mask around your mouth.

Nico spent his entire debrief not really concentrating on what anyone was saying, he wanted to be out of that room as soon as possible and to see how you were doing.

The minute that they concluded what happened in the race and how they can prepare better for hotter races as a team until the FIA but things into place, Nico was out the door as rushing past the Red Bull motorhome that was pretty quiet. They could all tell he was looking for you, and he just knew you were still with the medics from the look on everyone's face.

He rushed into the tent seeing you calmly sleeping but hooked up to a few different machines. The main one an drip, he knew you must be insanely dehydrated, and with your body temperature already struggling to regulate normally he couldn't imagine how much like hell that car felt to you.

"Is she okay?" he asks the nurse that was currently re-doing the braid in your hair that had gotten a little knotty under your helmet.

"Yes, she scared us all but she'll be fine. She's making a speedy recovery thanks to the doctors quickness and efficiency. She lost 6kg in that race which is very dangerous and she didn't drink anything at all during that race, so we've got her on some water and stuff that will pep her up. She had a minor injury to her shoulder where she fell but other than that she's okay. How long have you guys know she struggles to regulate her body temperature?" she explains and asks all in one.

"Since she karted, but she loves the sport to much" he chuckles. You'd talked about this with Nico a lot, you had to train your body harder and be stricter when it came to things like exercise and diets because of the condition.

Nico had said many times that it would be safter for you to stop racing all together but that had caused far to many arguments that he'd ended up on the sofa one to many times over.

He knew you loved racing, because he did as well and he hated when he had to leave the sport when no seat was available. So he knew it was something that wouldn't even be on the table for you to consider but he just wished you would.

For your guys' future, he just wanted you safe and at full health.

"She terrifies me when she gets into that car" he smiles looking down at your peaceful body.

"I can imagine, but ... I'm sure you scare her too. She struggles but I think honesty that makes her a better driver, she knows her limits and breaking points better than anyone. Today was a bade race that I cant see them doing at the same time of year ever again, and there may even be regulation changes that'll help. But ... take it from a career passionate woman. She wont give this up" she smiles to him and he glances down at you with his own smile.

"Oh I know she wont" he grins, taking your hand in his.

"Hey baby" he smiles as he sees your eyes flutter.

"Hey" you say back a little confused, looking around the room your in.

"You fainted and had a seizure" he explains grabbing your hand and rubbing his thumb over his knuckles.

"Oh, it was really hot in the car I don't think I ate before the race either because I felt sick!" you offer trying to explain why you were so badly effected.

"You weren't the only one that struggled, Alex, Esteban, Logan and a few others have been down here too. You pushed yourself a lot in that drive, but there's talks of the FIA making some changes for next year!" he explains.

"Mmm, I'm glad their taking action to make it safer for us!" you admit.

"I'm not even going to bother trying to convince you to retire!" he laughs shaking his head.

"We've talked about that before, you know I'm not ready yet. I've been given such a shot in Red Bull!" you smile, knowing he finally understood your view on your career.

"I know, I just worry about you!"

"I worry about you too" you say and pull him down into a kiss.

Taglist:

@littlesatanicassholebitch @hockey-racing-fubol @laura-naruto-fan1998 @22yuki @simxican @sinofwriting @lewisroscoelove @cmleitora @stupidandunnecessary @clayra-g @daemyratwst @honey-belden @moonypixel @lauralarsen @vader-is-hot @ironcowboycopnickel @itsjustkhaos @the-untamed-soul @beebo86 @happylittlereader @ziejustme @lou-larcher5 @thewulf @purplephantomwolf @chasing-liberosis @chillyleclerc @chanthereader @annoyingmoonballoon @summissss @evieepepi08 @havaneseoger08 @celesteblack08 @gulphulp @fandom1ruined2me @celebstories @starfusionsworld @jspitwall @sierruhh @georgeparisole @dakotatankbig @youcannotcancelquidditch @zzonsbeek @tallbrownhairsarcastic @mellowarcadefun @ourteenagetragedy @otako5811 @countingstacksandpanicattacks @peachiicherries @formulas-bitch @cherry-piee @hopexcroc @mirrorball-6 @spilled-coffee-cup @mehrmonga @bigsimperika @blueberry64857959 @eiraethh @lilypadlover @curseofhecate @alliwantisadonut @the-fem1n1ne-urge @21stcenturytaegi @dark-night-sky-99 @spideybv28 @i-wish-this-was-me @tallrock35 @butterfly-lover @barnestatic @landossainz @darleneslane @barcelonaloverf1life @r0nnsblog @ilove-tswizzle @kapsylia @laneyspaulding19 @lazybot @malynn @cassielikereading @viennakarma @teamnovalak @landosgirlxoxo @marie0v @jlb20416 @yourbane @teamnovalak @nikfigueiredo @fionaschicken @0picels0 @seomako @urdad-hot @formula1mount @tinydeskwriter @butterfly-lover @ironmaiden1313

[bellaxgiornata]

Do you have any tips for fast and efficient writing? I’m always impressed with how quickly and consistently you seem to churn out good quality chapters. Occasionally, I get “in the zone” and manage to really stay on top of my updates, but other times, it feels like pulling teeth. I worry that I sometimes sacrifice quality just to be able to put out an update. I want to stay consist for my readers, but that requires about 4000 to 5000 words a week, which is tough for me on top of a full time job! Any suggestions?

Oh, this is a good question! And thank you, I'm glad to hear you think my stories are consistent and of good quality! I will say that what works for me probably isn't always going to work for others, and I'm also aware that I'm in a unique position of being a stay at home mom. So when kids nap, I get free time to write. When my toddler starts preschool next week and the baby naps, if I've finished my adulting chores for the day, I get to write. Usually y'all don't have those opportunities at work--especially not daily. I'll also sometimes write in the evening before bed if I'm really feeling it (though while pregnant I had been too tired to do that for months). Honestly a lot of it depends on how much time you are able to write, and for me, I do actually spend quite a few hours a week writing and editing. Probably a lot more than people realize...

I'll put the rest of my response below the cut though because I know this is going to be long!

The first thing I did that really helped me keep churning out updates was to stop requiring myself to reach a minimum word count for them. I don't write with the pressure of needing to reach a specific amount per chapter, rather I focus on what needs to happen in an update. If the draft seemed a bit short, I'd come back later and edit in more detail or dialogue or another scene or something that fit and it usually filled things a little more without seeming unnecessary. Removing that pressure of reaching a specific word count really helps I think. And 4,000-5,000 words a week with a full time job is honestly a lot to plan out, write, and then edit consistently!

Secondly, I have multiple stories to work on. Now I definitely don't recommend this because then you'll get overwhelmed, but I do often hit a block in a fic sometimes and instead of just writing something I don't like and posting it or completely stepping away and not writing, I write something else. It keeps me in the habit of doing it so that I don't just suddenly stop. But obviously, I can't consistently update the same fics over and over, I tend to jump around. I think what might be better is maybe taking a step away and working on a one shot or something if you're struggling with a scene or a chapter. For me, sometimes what I need to write in a story is not what I'm feeling at the moment--angst, fluff, smut, whatever--and so I go write something I am feeling instead. Usually that helps unblock what's in my head, especially if I want to write smut for example, but the characters in the story I'm writing cannot realistically have me throw that in at that point.

Lastly, I think taking the pressure off of yourself to update on a schedule might be helpful. I know, it's hard to not update regularly and you might feel like you're disappointing readers, but we aren't getting paid for this. If you start pressuring yourself, you're going to burn yourself out and fanfic won't be fun anymore. It'll feel like work. And who wants to spend their free time working with no pay? So if you can get a nice long chapter up every week for a bit, but then suddenly you're struggling and it takes a few weeks for an update? That's okay. Your readers will still be here. And new ones will always appear if some have moved on.

Honestly I think as writers we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to consistently post, but it's not realistic. Like I said, I'm in a unique position of often finding moments to write because of what I do for work. That's not the norm for everyone. I struggle to update fics sometimes myself, which is why you might see some stories go months without an update, but I just update other things in the meantime. But if I only had one story, you'd definitely see me having weeks where nothing comes out because the words for that just aren't coming or they're not coming out right.

Hopefully some of this helped at all! But really, I think removing the pressure of writing is the biggest issue to tackle. Whether its your posting schedule or your word count, the pressure really gets to you. Especially if you're reaching the day you might usually post and you don't have something you feel is ready, then maybe you start to stress or panic and are rushing to get something done. That's just not fun though! Fanfic should be fun!

[bam-stroker]

ROYAL ROGUE - Beta Reader's Needed

Hear, ye Hear, ye! I have reached the phase in my romance novel writing process where I am in need of beta readers.

What does that mean?

Do you have a lot of opinions on stories in the fantasy genre? On dragon romance? Or on trans/nonbinary representation in stories? You're an adult? Then you're the kind of person I'm looking for! A beta reader is someone who gives all the input on story/characters/what's missing/what seems confusing - you are the view for the writer to see past the cloud of their creation to find out how readers will feel about their story.

What does this NOT mean?

If you aren't comfortable giving thoughts/feedback and don't read in the genre I'd say hold off for when I reach the final stages of the book to read it instead.

Great, I'm interested - What's the story about?

Valentine was born to be the royal heir to the kingdom of the Sun. Forced to choose between being a prince or princess, they decide to throw it all away to work on becoming a rogue at the local thieves guild instead. Training to one day be adept enough to run away and leave the strict control of their unsympathetic mother for good. Sent on a quick retrieval mission in the nearby mountains, they instead encounter a highly unusual dragon by the name of Asrir. A collector of oddities and very much one himself. The two of them bond over their frustrations with societal expectations and find quick friendship. Over time friendship blooms to love and the two of them face both the challenge of admitting their feelings and escaping the clutches of the queen.

Over arching theme: In a world built by the gods for balance - where do people in the in-between belong?

Features:

Transmasc Nonbinary love interest

75% trans characters / fairies with magic to help people transition

Found family

Dragons

High fantasy

Slow burn friends to lovers

Happy ending

High heat dragon sex scene 18+

Content Warnings: Transphobia (hinted at and 1 scene directly), verbally abusive mother, magical drug use (1 time at a party), body horror with immolation themes, self hatred

Want to read a snippet of an older draft? Here's a taste.

Feel free to comment in the replies here or send me an ask if you're interested so I can give next steps!

Please reblog as well to boost. If not you, someone you know might be a great fit

[anyathefandom]

To Those Fortunate Enough chapter 31:

@burned-lariat

"I don't want you here."

"No," Wallace laughed nervously, "you don't mean that…you can't mean that."

"I don't want you here," Dex shook his head slowly, his voice firm.

Me: See I don't blame him because last time he saw him he invalidated his feelings and that man got so upset he passed out🤷

Dexter Heller," Wallace replied in the same tone, "relax. You're not in any danger, no one's hurting you. You're in a safe place; nothing's going to happen to you."

"Why can't you just do what I'm telling you to do, you stupid son of a bitch? Is English that hard? Should I say it a different way for you to get it? Fine: Ich will dich hier nicht haben! Raus mit dir! Lass mich in Ruhe!"

Me: Oh you know someone is pissed with you when they switch to another language to tell you to get out.🫣

"I'll calm down when you finally screw off."

"Is that any way to talk to your father?"

Both men turned to look at the door. Ava leaned against the open doorway, looking them over. She pursed her lips before slowly walking towards the bed, standing between father and son.

"Can I help you?" Wallace asked.

"You can," she replied, "Give your son and I some space to talk, if you please. Thank you."

Me: The way I imagined ava entering the scene like:

"Why?" Dex looked at her incredulously, "Ava, you were one of the few people in the family who didn't look down upon me because I exist. You didn't know what Victor knew, and you didn't know he was going to do any of what he did. You have no reason to apologize."

"Aren't you sweet," Ava smirked, briefly glancing through the window behind her, "Mind telling me why you're so irate at your father?"

"If I remembered why, I'd tell you. I just…know I should be."

"Hopefully it'll come back to you," Ava stood up slowly, gently slapping his forearm, "Take it from me: you're in very good hands here."

"Great," Dex smiled before Ava walked towards the door, "Hey, Ava?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for visiting. It means a lot."

Me: Somehow Someway I came out of that interaction an Ava x dex crack shipper.🫢

"Valentin, you're back!" Irina rushed to hug her brother as he walked into the hotel room. He felt her squeeze him tight, earning him a giggle from Anna as she came from behind, "Where did you go?"

Me: It's really hitting that this is a relationship we've been robbed of because the writers don't respect the woman in white.😭

"Irina," Valentin looked between the two blondes, "this is Charlotte. She's my daughter, which makes her your niece. Charlotte, this is your aunt, Irina."

Me: The way my mind went "Imagine Irina took Charlotte under her wing and down the line trained her." Once again we've been robbed.

“...Something the matter?” Valentin looked at Wallace as the door closed.

“Yeah…there is,” Wallace gulped, his eyes red and bloodshot.

"And that is...?"

“My son wants nothing to do with me.”

Me: *Sings* Cause karma is my boyfriend, Karma is a god, Karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend, Karma's a relaxing thought, Aren't you envious that for you it's not?

Also me: Like y'all know a love that problematic German man but...

"You look like you went through hell and back," Spencer remarked.

"Funnily enough, I just did."

"Is it as hot as people claim it is?"

"Worse. Not only is it hot, but there's mountains of corpses everywhere, so it reeks too. The world's nastiest men's locker room."

"...Shut up," Spencer playfully swiped at Dex, causing both men to laugh. Spencer felt his spine stiffen when Dex's laughter led to a fit of coughing, "You okay?"

Me: The fact that this is the only time I would ever support Spencer and Dex being friends😂

"...Touché," a smirk broke onto Dex's face, "But in all seriousness, Spencer, if you plan to cut your father out of your life, be sure that you're doing it with a sound mind. I did it while full of rage and adrenaline, and once I calmed down, I let him back in."

Me: Dex...

Let Spencer cut Nikolas out of his life it's for the best.🙈

Why did you let him back in?"

"I don't know."

"If you don't know, then why haven't you kicked him back out?"

"...I don't know," Dex frowned, looking down at his lap. The thought sat with him for a moment or two before he looked back at his cousin, "Look, Spencer, you're the only one who can decide whether or not to keep your father in your life, and whatever you choose to do, I support you."

Me: Good, because Nikolas has been a real shit father for a while now.🥴

"You're German, aren't you?"

"I am."

"So that means you speak German, right?"

"Fluently."

"Prove it."

Dex raised an eyebrow, "You want me to prove I can speak fluent German?"

"I'm trying to keep our conversation going, Dex. Humor me."

My instant thought: This is probably some bougie little test Spencer has going. He's probably going "Hmm he can't be a true Cassadine unless he knows more than one language.🧐"

"Alright," Spencer smirked, hearing the faint sound of footsteps approaching the room, "Who's standing in the doorway?"

"...Meine Mutter."

Spencer turned around to see Irina standing in the doorway, a hand on the door frame. Her eyes were bright with curiosity, fixated on Dex. The young man sucked in a breath at the sight of her, unsure of how to react. A heavy silence filled the room, crushing the atmosphere until a lone question broke the tension:

"Could I speak to my son alone?"

How I visualized Irina coming to his room:

One thing about Irina is that she's going to be excited to her baby.😂

[allsassnoclass]

hazel!! hiya!! could i hear about 2, 7, 14, 37, & 45 from the ask game? -💙

@igarbagecannoteven hi megs! thanks for asking!

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

Christmas (15)

Established Relationship (14)

Fluff (10)

Canon Compliant (10)

Alternate Universe - College/University (9)

Okay so. I have 95 fics posted on ao3 between my two pseuds. I wouldn't say that "Christmas" accurately represents my writing habits since those are from ficmas (and one shazam fic), and while I'll probably do one christmas fic a year in the future, I don't think I'll be doing a full ficmas again. I do feel like established relationship and fluff both fit! I find getting-together fics more difficult to write, so my short fics especially are usually established relationships, and I do like fluff! i like canon compliant stuff, especially for non-rpf fandoms, and while i think i'll write less college/university fics in the future now that i'm out of college, i know that the mashton college au accounts for a lot of those and i do have plans for quite a few other college fics.

7. Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of? i'm going to say the sorcerer/prince au! i feel like i did a good job of introducing this entirely new world in just a short little fic. i think the worldbuilding blended into the narrative really well.

14. Are there any tropes you would only read if written by a trusted friend or writer? in this fandom at least, since I have trusted writers here, soulmate aus are something that i'll only read by people i know will do it in a way i like. soulmate aus are something that i've gotten a bit more particular about as I've gotten older and read more fic. also, there are some aus or tropes that immediately lend themselves to smut (fwb, omegaverse, etc) and if i see one of those marked T or M i'll only read it if i know the writer and can trust that they rated it correctly. remember friends, it's not about the amount of sexual content in your fic, it's about how detailed the sexual content is!

37. Promote one of your own “deep cut” fics (an underrated one, or one that never got as much traction as you think it deserves!). What do you like about it? going to be controversial and promote when i watch the world burn despite the fact that when i first posted it i wasn't feeling the best. she deserves better! i know that she's not going to get better, because it's an apocalypse au and those aren't very popular aus, but I guess I wasn't expecting it to be as badly-received as it was? which is hypocritical, because i myself don't usually read apocalypse aus and looking at the tags and such on this one, idk if i would've read it, but i do thing it's good! it's a bit of a different style than is usual for me, but i think it works really well for the subject matter and i think there's a nice emotional quality to it.

45. What’s something you’ve improved on since you started writing fic? mmmmm good question! on a technical level i'm not sure what i've improved on, just because i'm constantly always trying to improve but it's always in the back of my head since fic is for fun, but on a personal level i've improved at ensuring that fic stays a fun hobby rather than something ugly and stressful and disheartening. i've gotten better at really listening to myself about what i want to work on, rather than forcing myself to work on fics i don't have motivation or inspiration for, and i've also gotten better at not looking at my immense number of wips as a bad thing. it's okay if i don't finish them! that's fine! i still do struggle with these things (there are a few fics where i'm like "aw man, i should finish that for [insert fic event] which is rapidly approaching" but i've also acknowledged that right now i simply don't want to write, i want to read, and therefore many of these fics won't be written in time for those events because i won't force myself), but i'm getting better, which is good!

Questions for fic writers

[marchtothefuckingsea]

Not Who You Are - Loki

Hi hey hello! MAN did this not actually take forever to write. I sat down and typed this out in less than a fucking hour, oh boy. The writer's block dam broke and what can I say?

I'll admit this was written a bit as a self comfort story haha so there's that, and there isn't a ton of actual Loki x reader until towards the end but I thought I'd post it anyways.

My Masterlist, if you're interested! I have another Loki fic as well as some other Marvel content.

Enjoy!

pre-established relationship (platonic, I think), hurt/comfort, no usage of y/n, x gender neutral reader!

Word count: 4.2k (I KNOW I KNOW LMAO IT'S A LONG ONE)

Warnings: lots. Nightmares, possible PTSD, injury, violence, death, feelings of survivor's guilt, feelings of worthlessness/self hatred, self-doubt, fear, angst (I usually wouldn't put fear or angst as warnings but these are pretty prominent aspects of the story and I think they definitely deserve to be mentioned in this one.) Due to the length and nature of the story for me personally, this is NOT proofread. I'll get around to it eventually.

I would just like to note: I am in no way trying to romanticize or downplay any of the above. I personally suffer from a lot of these and I wrote this purely as a comfort fic for myself but tweaked the character a bit to make them fit in as more of an Avenger with Avenger problems. None of the things mentioned in this story can be solved with just a little bit of comfort, they require professional help, (which I am also, unfortunately, all too aware of) but sometimes it would just be nice to have a comforting presence, y'know? If you have problems with any of these, please reach out to someone and get the help that you need and deserve.

Summary: Reader has nightmares fueled by survivors guilt, they think they're a horrible person. Loki is there to help them believe they aren't.

I woke up gasping for air with frantic breaths as sweat rolled down my forehead. My eyes darted around in the darkness until I realized where I was. I was safe.

I managed to calm my erratic breathing, I took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm myself further. Though I was physically calm now, my mind was anything but. I took another breath, attempting to empty my mind.

Instead, images of the people I had killed -had been forced to kill, I reminded myself- flooded into my brain. The sound of bullets and gunshots rang out -bullets from my gun- forever engraved into my ears, their cries of outrage and fury as they just shook off my non-lethal shots, forcing me to shoot to kill before they killed me.

I was a killer.

I was supposed to save people, not kill them.

The Loki and the others told me that I did what I had to do, that I would've been dead myself if I hadn't, and that they were so brainwashed by HYDRA that there was no saving them anyway.

They didn't understand.

Then, another flashback. The screams of the people still left in the burning building as I sprinted out to save myself. The heat of the fire burning my skin, the roar of the fire filling my ears until I could hear nothing more. My face was stoic but on the inside I was screaming. Screaming at myself to go back and help who I could. My screams in my head matched those of the people left in the burning building. Terrified, desperate; terrified of who I had become. I had killed people to save myself, now I was leaving others to die to save myself. Wasn't that the exact definition of selfish? The opposite of what a hero, an avenger should be.

This time, Loki had told me it was survivors guilt.

Once again, he didn't understand. I had committed crimes, I deserved to rot in jail. I deserved to die, just as the others had for me. To save my own selfish life.

Without realizing, I was suddenly aware of the fact that I was hyperventilating again. My head spun with dizziness as I collapsed back onto the mattress, choking back sobs and wails, curling up and wrapping my arms around myself, desperate for any form of comfort. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in Loki's comforting embrace. But he couldn't know.

He couldn't know that I still lived with these images in my brain. That they would never leave my memory, forever engraved onto the insides of my eyelids. Haunted me whenever I shut my eyes.

He had done terrible things in his past too, but he was getting better. He was healing, learning right from wrong again. I couldn't be a bad influence on him.

In a way, it comforted me, gave me some form of hope to cling onto, to see the reformed villain going about his daily life, no longer living with the guilt of the lives he had taken. No longer haunted by the crimes he committed. He realized what he did was wrong and now only worked to better himself and make up for it by saving people on missions.

It gave me hope that one day, maybe I could move on too.

As I reigned in my emotions, I calmed myself once again, slowly sucking in deep breaths of air. As I calmed down, I felt the heavy weight of sleep settle over me, I felt the tiredness in my entire being from the attack. My eyelids fluttered shut.

I stumbled through the hallway some hours later as the friendly banter of the team in the kitchen woke me. I managed a small smile on my face as I entered.

Loki was sitting quietly by the table, watching the others with an amused look in his eyes. I knew he did not wish to join then, but enjoyed watching them all the same. I slid up beside him, leaning on the counter.

"Good morning." His lips quirked up into a small smile that made my heart flutter.

"Morning." I couldn't help but to smile back, his presence dissolving any lingering fears of the nightmare the night before. I was used to them now, not desensitized, but I was able to push them down and not think about it.

"Brother!" I heard Thor call over to Loki. He groaned, a pestered expression on his face. I exhaled through my nose, a small laugh.

"You're going on a mission today!" Thor reminded the both of us as he stuffed bacon into his mouth.

"I was well aware of that." Loki replied sourly, though anyone who knew him well enough could tell it was lighthearted.

I playfully nudged his shoulder with mine as I sipped my coffee, and he returned the gesture, a small grin now on his attractive face. I didn't deserve him as a friend, not at all, but I couldn't help myself wishing for more.

Once everyone finished up their breakfast, we headed to the debriefing room. As everyone took their places around the table, I leaned against the wall in the background, my usual position. I hated feeling important.

"This is going to be roughly a two day mission," Tony started, pulling out a manilla folder.

"You leave this afternoon in the quinjet, you'll arrive by nightfall. It is up to the two of you to decide from there if you'd like to infiltrate the same night, or rest up for it and head out in the morning. We need the documents from the director's computer, a flashdrive, there should be around 450 gigabytes of information on there…"

I zoned out as he drowned on, having went over the mission files the night before. If anything had changed since then, I trusted that Loki would let me know. He knew I didn't much care for mission debriefings. I saw why they might be useful, but they just annoyed the hell out of me.

"You'll stay at the safehouse for the two nights you're away, there should be clothes and things you'll need there for a couple of nights but feel free to pack your own things. That's about it. Any questions?" Tony straightened up in his chair. I shook my head when he glanced to me.

"Alright. You leave in three hours, be ready. You know where. Good luck." He stood up abruptly, the others following suit as everyone filed out of the room. I sighed in relief that it was over as Loki brushed my shoulder with his on his way out.

"Good luck!" I barely heard Thor shout over the roar of the jet's engines. I waved to him out the door before shutting and sealing it, settling back against the seat, Loki across from me. I let out a contented sigh.

I hadn't even noticed that my eyes were struggling to stay open as I slumped to the side tiredly before Loki said something.

I blinked. "What?"

"Are you alright?" He was leaning towards me, eyes flitting across my face.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine." I was trying to reassure myself as much as him. I blinked hard, willing the fuzziness in my vision to go away.

I groaned as we landed with a jolt, both jolt and the difference in altitude making my head pound even more. I was exhausted, I had barely gotten any sleep last night and what I did have was restless and shallow.

His eyes darted over to me as I swayed on my feet when I stood up.

"I think we should go tomorrow. Let's get rested up tonight, shall we?" Loki suggested.

"If you're just saying that because of me, I'm fine. Really, Loki." I added towards the end when he shot me a disbelieving glance. I knew I couldn't lie to the God of Lies himself, but it was worth a shot. I sighed.

"Just a bit tired, is all."

He set his jaw. "We leave tomorrow morning?" His voice carried the tone of a question, but I knew there was no arguing it. I honestly didn't want to argue with it either, a night of rest would do me good, but at the same time the sooner we could get this over with, the better.

"Alright." I sighed.

As we entered the safe house, he suddenly touched his hand to my shoulder, spinning me around to face him.

"Get some rest, okay?" He said softly.

"Okay." I mumbled. I followed him down the hallway, stopping to turn into the left bedroom. He took the right, which was directly across the hall. He offered me a tender smile, which I tried to feebly return.

As soon as I shut the door behind me, I immediately collapsed onto the bed. heaving out a sigh. The movement made my head hurt more than ever and I groaned, massaging my temples. It did little to ease the pain.

I woke up, once again in a cold sweat, my heart beating out of my chest. As soon as I gained my bearings, the memories of the day coming back to me, I flopping back onto the pillows, heaving a sigh. I hastily glanced at the clock on the nightstand. 1:55 AM.

I just couldn't catch a break.

"You're up early darling." Loki commented, walking into the room, already dressed in his suit.

"It's an early mission." I shrugged, chugging down the rest of my coffee and heading for another.. I hadn't gone back to sleep since then, lying awake in bed until I couldn't stand it. That had been around 3 in the morning sometime. I had given up the prospect of sleep by then, seeing how we were departing for the base in three hours. It was now 4 AM.

"You're up early too." I added, frowning. "What's up?"

"I heard a commotion in here." He smiled, teasing. "I thought someone had come to rob us."

I huffed. "I wasn't exactly trying to be quiet."

He sat across the dusty table from me, gazing at me with those piercing eyes. I knew he could see right through me, he could quite literally read minds, but he chose not to. I appreciated him greatly for that.

"So," I began. "What's the plan? Stealth, I presume?" That's what we were both good at, why we made a great team.

He hummed in agreement, glancing down at the table. I knew by now that he wasn't much of a breakfast person, neither was I, but I needed a boost of energy if I was going to get through this mission.

I sighed, placing my empty cup down, the third of the morning already. I could feel the caffeine pumping through my veins now.

"What do you say about heading out early, Trickster?" I stood up, tossing a sly grin over my shoulder to him. He smiled back, standing up as well. "If you're up for it."

"'Course I am. Let me get changed."

The mission had gone quite well, save for a couple of minor injuries I had sustained. Loki had fretted over them at the moment, becoming protective over me; we couldn't get a long enough break to allow him to heal me.

As a loud bang went off, flame and smoke soon engulfed the room. One of the guards' bullets had ricocheted off of a steel beam on the unfinished ceiling, glancing off and instead hitting a nearby canister of fuel, igniting it.

I dully recognized a sharp pain as one of the agents slashed at me with his knife, but that was the last thing I was thinking about at the moment. My mind flashed back to the apartment fire in New York. I gasped, stumbling back and starting to hyperventilate. I barely noticed Loki in front of me, frantically telling me that we needed to leave. I only realized he was there when he grabbed my arm, yanking me out of the room seconds before the second, larger canister of fuel exploded into flame.

Still hyperventilating, I slid down the wall, desperately struggled for air and frantically rubbing my hands up and down my arms as they numbed. I felt a hand rest hesitantly on my arm and my head shot up. Loki.

I broke down there and then, gasping out pathetic sobs and cries. I then felt him pull me into a tender hug, murmuring "It's okay"s into my ear and rubbing my back. My chest heaved as I struggled to pull myself together.

As we dropped our gear in the middle of the living room, I exhaled a shaky breath, remembering that I had some explaining to do about how I had reacted during the mission. I hoped he wouldn't question me on it, that we could just leave it, but I knew that he would want to know.

I went back to 'my' room across the hall. As I changed out of my suit, unsheathing my hidden weapons and carefully placing them in the bedside table, I tried not to focus on the dreaded conversation too long.

As I went back out into the kitchen, pulling out a can of spaghetti from the cupboard and placing it in a bowl, then the microwave, I dreaded the conversation. I flinched when I heard Loki's footsteps coming down the hall.

He huffed at my food choice. "Of all the things available you choose that."

"You should know me by now." I huffed out a laugh.

He pulled out some chocolates from the cupboard and I gave him a disappointed look.

"What?" He asked, a smile playing on his face. The microwave dinged, signaling my food was ready. I grabbed the bowl out and headed over to the dining table, Loki in tow.

He sat across from me, chocolates on the table as he crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair.

I struggled to eat my spaghetti, the smell and taste of it making me nauseous for some reason.

"Fuck it." I muttered, pushing the bowl away and reaching across the table to snag one of his chocolates.

He gave me an amused glance before nudging the box further in my direction.

"I see you've given up on your 'healthy' meal." He joked.

"It's disgusting." I muttered around a mouthful of chocolate dipped pecan.

Once we finished 'dinner', we both headed back to our respective rooms, exhausted from the day's events, me even more so.

I flopped limply onto the bed, allowing the bouncing mattress to toss me this way and that before it settled down. I rolled on my side before groaning when I realized I hadn't taken my sleeping pills.

Really, it didn't matter at this point. It was bad enough already that I was an insomniac, but the nightmares woke me up so frequently that it was impossible to even get any amount of sleep.

I stared at the two blue pills in my palm for a moment before tossing them in my mouth and leaning down to the faucet to down them with water. I took an extra one tonight in the hopes that maybe I wouldn't dream. Maybe I could sleep through for just a single night.

I knew, from my 'attack' during the mission today, that if I dreamed it was going to be bad. It had been a long time since something on a mission had triggered me, and that time I was fortunate enough to be alone. I usually had it so well under control, pushed back to the depths of my mind during consciousness before it came flooding back into my vulnerable sleeping brain.

But the past few nights, no, week of little to no rest had worn me down and my defenses, allowing my unconscious to worm its way up to the surface like worms burrowing to the surface of the earth after a heavy rain.

I unceremoniously slumped onto the bed again, rolling over onto my side and curling into a small ball, desperate for some form of comfort. I attempted to push the worms back down into the earth so I could sleep without my dreams being plagued with nightmares, with little success.

"No. No, no no no no no no. No please." My voice started out a whisper, quickly turning into a scream, a desperate wail as the cries of the people burning alive in the building reached my ears. "Please. Make it stop. What did I do to deserve this? Why? Why- PLEASE" A screaming sob tore out of my throat as a man's cries and yells echoed out of the building.

I stumbled back, clutching my hair and mumbling to myself, "No. No no. No no no no no. No. You couldn't help it- you..you did what you had to do right? that's what they said. They don't blame you, it's not your fault." Another scream pierced the air.

"Please. no. I can't-" I mumbled to myself, backing up. I felt a heat at my back, the flame gripping my shoulders-

"Love. Wake up. You're okay. You're safe." A familiar voice said softly. I whimpered, curling into myself and hugging myself as my breaths grew more erratic.

"You're okay." The voice repeated. I was suddenly aware of his presence. I immediately attempted to reign myself in, even though I knew it was too late, but it turned into a choked sob. He pulled me to his chest, tucking me in close to him and rocking me back and forth.

"It's okay love." He murmured. I clutched onto his shirt for dear life, crying into his shoulder.

"Breathe with me." He said gently, sucking in a slow, deliberate breath and holding it for a moment before allowing it to slowly escape his lungs.

I attempted to repeat the action through my sobs and hiccuping.

"That's it. That's it. Just like that." He encouraged me. Soon, my breathing slowed to a somewhat normal rate, my heart was no longer beating out of my chest. I was just clinging to his tunic, sobbing into his shirt uncontrollably. His hand rubbed comfortingly up and down my back.

"I- I'm okay." I choked out once I could manage enough breath to speak again.

"I'm okay. I'm sorry." I repeated.

"Shh. Don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for."

"No. No, I'm sorry. You can go back to bed now." My voice cracked, betraying me.

"I will be doing no such thing, now hush. Just focus on calming down, your heart is still racing." He said softly, solidifying his statement by pulling me closer.

I pressed myself closer to him, if that was even possible, desperate for all the undeserved comfort I could receive from him.

He hummed quietly, a soothing, unfamiliar melody that I could only believe was Asgardian in origin. The sound served to further calm me as my body slumped against his tiredly.

“That’s it. You’re okay.” He promised me. I sighed, closing my eyes and managed to relish in the moment once I calmed, knowing this would probably never happen again.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled quietly, still gripping onto him.. “It’s just- I have, I have these-” I drew in a shaky breath, attempting to form a last, desperate excuse.

“Shh. You don’t have to explain anything to me, darling, I know. You don’t have to speak of it until you’re ready. Just relax.”

I sighed. “I don’t deserve you.” I mumbled out pathetically.

He laughed a bit at that.

“No, I think it’s quite the opposite.”

“You don’t understand the things I’ve done, the things I’ve seen- I’ve been so selfish, I’m everything an avenger shouldn’t be.” I heard him sigh.

“I disagree. I have never met anyone as fearless, as selfless as you.” Loki reassured me. “You are the most selfless creature I have ever met, the most passionate of what you believe in. I have never met someone so,” He paused. “Honest.”

At that, I almost snorted. Right.

“No.” I started. “No. Loki don’t do this to me.” I pleaded. His gaze was questioning but he said nothing, willing me to continue my train of thought.

“I killed those people. I murdered them to save myself. I know you think I did what I had to do. I know you and the others think they were too far gone to be saved but I saw it. I saw the horror in their eyes at what they were doing. I saw them. The real people, the innocent people they were before they were controlled. They were still there. They could’ve been saved.” My voice trailed off to a whisper as I forced tears back. I wasn’t done yet. He didn’t understand, he shouldn’t be around me. I was such a bad influence on him, not the other way around. He was getting better, I was not.

“And- and the people in the burning building.” I continued quietly. I was struggling to contain my emotions at this point, afraid my voice would crack under the effort it took. “I killed them, too. I- I left them there, I left them to die, Loki, just to save myself. Innocent people. I still hear their screams at night I can’t-” I broke off with a choked sob, the floodgates were open. I gasped for air, clinging tightly to him once again as I was sent into another panic attack. I whimpered pathetically into his shirt.

“It’s okay, love. You’re okay.” He murmured in his velvet voice. I sobbed harder.

He took exaggerated breaths, willing me to mimic him. I could feel his chest rise and fall with each breath and I desperately tried to match it, to no avail.

“Breath with me.” He encouraged.

“I can’t.” I choked out, my voice cracking.

“You can.” He said softly. “Breathe with me.” He repeated.

He couldn’t calm me down, not this time. It was too terrible. But as I tired myself out, my sobs turned to small gasps and my cries died down to quiet whimpers. This entire time, he said nothing, offering his silent support and comforting presence as he held me to his chest, humming the same unfamiliar, otherworldly song.

Once I had calmed down, he spoke up, his voice hesitant, not wanting to trigger another attack.

“Is that what this is all about? Your nightmares?” He asked quietly, tenderly.

“Yes.” I answered him weakly, not trusting my voice to say much more than that.

“The horrors you have seen, they do not make who you are. Don't allow them to.” He said softly.

“You were never meant to find out, I had it handled.” I whispered.

“It looks that way to me.” He said sarcastically, though his voice was not harsh nor judgemental. I could only make out concern.

“Do they come every night?” His cool chin rested on the top of my feverish head. I sighed.

“Some nights are worse than others, but yes. Give or take.”

“There have been more bad nights lately, I take it?” I nodded.

“And that’s what caused your..” He hesitated. “..episode, today?” I nodded again.

“I’m sorry, love.” He said softly after a moment of silence. “I should have realized.”

“No, don’t. You’re my friend, Loki, but you can’t notice everything. I don’t expect you to either.”

He was quiet; I could only imagine what was going through his head.

“I want to be there for you.” He said suddenly. I opened my mouth to speak, to say that he was already doing more than enough for me, but he silenced me by leaning down and briefly pressing his cool lips to mine. My heart stopped.

He began to apologize, before I leaned up and hesitantly kissed him. He hummed, wrapping his arms around me as I pulled away.

“So you’ve really meant it then, hm?” I asked, leaning back into him.

“What?”

“All those times you’ve called me ‘love’. How long have you meant it?”

He chuckled at that, a warm sound that emanated from his chest. It calmed me like a cat’s purr. “Ever since I’ve called you that.”

My mind raced back to all those times, how I've felt all this time, realizing just how far back it went.

“I’m an idiot.” I whispered to myself. He glanced down at me quizzically.

“I’ve..” I hesitated on the word. “Loved you this entire time, goddamnit Loki Laufeyson. I never even gave that stupid pet name a second thought.” I said with fake anger. “Gods.”

He laughed, leaning back down onto the bed and pulling me down with him. I gasped in surprise.

“You need to sleep.” He said simply.

I immediately tensed. “I can’t.”

He turned onto his side, pulling me into him and wrapping an arm around my waist. He tangled my legs with his before leaning down to my shoulder, his cool breath fanning my ear, and whispering lowly. ‘I’ll be here. I’ll keep the nightmares away.”

“Okay.” I allowed myself to relax into him and the mattress as my eyes fluttered shut, exhausted.

[a-sour-nectarine]

Even though I hate abusive Bruce that is something people overlook. The abuser might just be nice to everyone else but you. My father has NPD which is a narcissistic personality disorder and wasn't diagnosed for a long time till about 3 years ago. He's the type to Give money to people in the streets or food. Can totally fix your truck no issue. Good at helping and doing wiring for houses. But as his kid if you don't fit his reality then he will gaslight and attack you verbally and emotionally. My mother has BPD and I know she loves me but we can't be in the same house in long term living standards because she will blow up over little things and call me crying later and apologizing in a messed up cycle. But everyone who meets her says she's funny and great with kids. I think media sometimes often ignores the aspect of abusive parental figures being... well people. They aren't assholes 24/7. I think Encanto covered generational Trauama and types of abuse well with showing complex characters. Batman just doesn't. I know it's not their intention to make batman a abuser and seems to be a recent thing as they try to make it grimdark and oh so serious. It's why I personally adore the animated series and such. I enjoy the camp of batman. The massive amount of writers and such just don't portray it well if they even wanted to write a abusive batman. I've seen fanfic writers write complex stories with Bruce's abuse in a way that didn't feel like avatar the last Airbender ozai burning the face off his son.

Ok, this is so important. The main thing I keep in mind with Batman—especially recently with all the grimdark arcs, like you said— is that it is very rarely a good standard for a healthy family dynamic. Even if Bruce isn't abusive, he still is... ya know. Bruce Wayne. He's Batman. His kids are all child soldiers who came from really bad situations, or very traumatic points in their lives.

Here's a disclaimer: my family relationships are fairly healthy. My parents are... well, obviously they have their faults. But, for the most part, they are emotionally stable, caring, and supportive. They aren't manipulative, or physically abusive. I'm rather spoiled, in fact. So I don't get it. I don't empathize. But I can try to understand.

I have this platform, however small, and I'm gonna use it.

I would never want to ignore the real life trauma of people. You can be both, an abusive shitstain, and a guy who keeps lollipops in his utility belt for scared children. And someone on the outside might never know.

As zombi says, NPD is deceptive. It's a personality disorder with many different aspects. It can be a perfectionist disorder, a little like OCD, and it can definitely reflect onto other people, especially people close to you, as they are a variable you can "control."

(According to the internet. I have done an hour of research. Not a ton. Not enough, probably, but I have an essay to do tonight so.... not a lot of time.)

But yeah. People aren't like Disney villains. They aren't evil or good. Very few people are just... going out and hurting people just to hurt them.

I dunno. I don't have a lot more to say. Just.... don't look up to Bruce Wayne as the standard of parenting. He's a fictional character in a comic book. He dresses up as a bat and fights clowns. That isn't a healthy lifestyle in the first place.

Don't romanticize abuse and trauma. You have a voice, don't use it for shit like that. If you're gonna do it, do it right. No glorifying toxicity, please.

[esther-dot]

I don't trust bnf's mostly because 90% of them are sans*ns. They're really right here saying that theories about dany being an antagonist are misogynistic even though they're basic in text evidence but thought for years that sansa's ending would be as the h*und's trophy wife. To this day they act like he was her savior instead of one of her abusers. And no, It's not the author's fault if they find romantic a grown man bullying a child and holding a knife to her throat

If you have your own theories/interpretation and get a lot of validation it would be hard not to get carried with with that, so I do theoretically understand how they got to the place where they feel ….a sense of ownership of the text and reflexively dismiss anything that isn't how they see things. But I have exactly the same problems with them as you do.

Some of these people didn’t just claim Dark Dany isn’t a book thing, they denied it would happen in the show, derided Jonsas because we talked a lot about it, and then when it did happen, claimed it was out of nowhere…as if they hadn’t spent years refusing to listen to people who were pointing it out. They’re shameless. And then, instead of going back and saying, “maybe I missed something” or "maybe I should reevaluate my stance on this" or “oh, maybe that Martin endorsed essay that talks about Dark Dany was onto something” or “maybe I shouldn’t start developing theories about how Dany murdering innocents is ok” (Is it a crime to want to keep people warm??? Who said toasting humans makes you a bad person? Nobody is perfect!), instead of doing anything along those lines, they still mock Jonsas. It’s hard to not think it’s their own form of…petty retribution.

The excuse to be so dismissive of everything Jonsas say is that they think viewing the Hound and Dany the way we do is in service of our ship, but I can turn that around and say, if they're arguing that assaulting a child and burning people alive aren't the actions of baddies, that isn't because they genuinely think that, it's because they are ignoring the obvious in service of their ship. I find it hypocritical. Also, Martin was surprised people ship Sansa and the Hound (this clip), so we all already know it isn’t canon/wont be Sansa’s big romance or endgame. People can ship whatever they want, but claiming not only that it will be canon but is already when the author said that...it’s silly. Especially because if you go to the anti S@ns@n tag, the criticism isn’t just “I hate it,” but tries to contextualize it within the story/other ideas to explain why it isn’t a thing. Here’s one of my answers about it. Our aversion to it has nothing to do with Jonsa, and everything to do with looking at how The Hound fits into Sansa’s story rather than dismissing her trauma to make him seem like a decent person. In addition to attempting to have a stranglehold on interpreting the story and maintaining a hierarchy in the fandom, they also do weird shit! A while ago a BNF started trying to make money off of Jonsa fanfic without the authors’ permission. Icing on top of cake? He apparently thinks there's a real chance that Jonsa will happen, he just hadn't owned up to it at that point. I understand self-preservation, but the fact that one of the more reasonable/decent BNFs was too afraid to be honest about the probability of Jonsa happening but was happy to try to make money off of the work of the shippers...yikes.

The exception to all my gripes is Kelsey Hayes who was the most popular GoT/ASOIAF writer on Quora for years and as soon as I started posting there right before s8 she followed me and liked my stuff there. I even talked about Jonsa and Pol Jon. She said she didn’t think it was happening on the show, but that didn’t mean she stopped interacting with my stuff, even my answers that mentioned it. So, it’s possible for people with huge followings who have been “ordained” by the fandom to interact with Jonsas pleasantly and appreciate their perspective even without agreeing on everything. Those other fans are choosing not to. Anyway, I spend my time interacting with/supporting Sansa fans/Jonsas on tumblr because most of the rest of the fandom worked hard at making me not care about their opinion. I will respect their wishes. 😇

[billsfangearring]

I've really enjoyed reading these posts today—thanks for kicking things off and making this lovely banner, @efkgirldetective! I thought it would be fun to do one myself even though I'm not a fic writer. (Yet? See Goal 1. 😬)

Goal 1: Publish my first fic.

I will almost certainly regret stating this publicly, but I've got about 1,200 words written of my first fic. It's a First War Remus/Sirius fic that probably won't be most people's cup of tea, but it's the story that started bouncing around in my head this fall that eventually drove me to give this whole fic-writing thing a shot. (Lessons learned so far: Plotting is hard! Atmosphere is easy! I use too many similes!) Since I'm in it now, feel free to ask me how I'm doing with this and hold me accountable—@consistentsquash and @the-dream-team have already been doing a good job at occasionally prodding me about my snail-like progress.

Goal 2: Publish four more of my Wolfstar Yearbook rec lists.

For those who don't know, I've been putting together rec lists of my favorite five or so Wolfstar fics completed in each year, starting with 2003 (the publication year of the oldest fic I'd ever read). I cranked out five of these in less than three months over the summer and kind of burned myself out on the pairing and those posts for a few months. I think aiming to post one every three months is a sustainable goal given other things I want/need to do next year.

Goal 3: Publish at least one non-Wolfstar rec list.

I'd really like to do some sort of Jily rec list, maybe sticking with my M.O. of reviewing older fics that aren't as well-known now. I can also think of a few other pairings/themes that I conceivably could do a list for. I already have a multi-pairing time travel rec list that was well-received on Reddit, but I haven't posted it here because it doesn't really fit my tumblr "brand," to the extent that I have one. I may post that over here too at some point, but it won't count toward this goal.

Goal 4: Publish another deep-dive single fic rec.

My excessively long review of The Last Enemy series by @chdarling was an interesting challenge this fall. I'd never written an in-depth review like that before, and the fact that TLE is a WIP series with a pretty intricate plot added another layer of difficulty. I had a lot of fun analyzing it in more depth though, so I'd like to set a goal for myself to do another one of these if something else speaks to me in 2022.

Goal 5: Consistently leave comments on works I enjoy.

It took me 15 years of silently reading fic before I mustered up the courage and effort to leave my first comment. I've tried really hard these past six months to make commenting more of a habit, and I'm happy to say I've managed to build some momentum! Part of this process for me personally has been giving myself permission to not do the absolute most with every comment—they don't have to be beautifully articulate and insightful to mean something to the author and make me feel happy about leaving one. Lowering that self-imposed barrier to entry has been really helpful for me to get better at commenting. I want to keep working on this in 2022.

I think most of the authors I follow on here have already been tagged. As a reccer/reviewer myself, I'm going to tag some fic rec blogs I've appreciated this year instead. Zero pressure to do this, of course, but I'd love to hear your 2022 goals for your reviews if you have any you'd like to share! @consistentsquash @wolfstarwarehouse @wolfstarlibrarian @wolfstarhaven Anyone else who wants to participate should consider this an open invitation too!

[firstumcschenectady]

“On Being Pruned” based on 1 John 4:7-21 and John 15:1-8

While I was in college I lead a group of new freshman on an outdoor adventure trip. We were assigned to trail maintenance in a very remote part of Northern New Hampshire. It was a beautiful place and a wonderful trip, but it turns out that a lot of trail maintance is actually killing small trees so that they don't grown on the trail and I really deeply hated that. No matter how many times I reminded myself that by maintaining the trail and giving people a chance to experience that pristine wilderness I was PROTECTING most of the trees, I still felt uncomfortable with each one I killed.

Similarly, I'm not particularly good at pruning. I'm so afraid of going too far that I don't go far enough. It would be enjoyable to claim that this is related to the value, “don't hurt living things unless you have to” but that fails to notice that things you prune are things that NEED pruning. Pruning is a source of abundant life.

According to Gospel commentaries, grapevines are things that need pruning. The Five Gospels says, “Vines do not have branches, contrary to popular usage, but 'canes.' Each year canes are snipped from the vines and piled in the vineyard to be burned. … The vines will not bear good fruit, or fruit in abundance, if they are not pruned annually.”1 The metaphor loving writer of the Gospel of John suggests this is true of the followers of the way of Jesus as well. We too need regular pruning to “bear fruit.”

I suspect many of us feel similarly about pruning ourselves as I do about pruning any other living thing. It is uncomfortable, it is done with caution, we don't want to go to far. And that means that often we don't prune quite far enough.

This may feel like an unfortunate time to come across this Gospel, because the impact of the pandemic has been a desire to return to “normal” and profound objections to the ways our lives have been “pruned” from the outside beyond our control. But here is the Gospel anyway, and when we're honest we note that even this awful pruning has had SOME silver linings.

Now, in John's metaphor, God is the gardener, and God is the one doing the pruning. We are fairly passive to the pruning. We are definitely NOT in charge of self-pruning. :) Phew. Likewise, we are not in charge of fruit production. Fruit comes from being connected to Jesus, and well pruned by God, and we are mostly PASSIVE fruit bearers. Fruit or lack there of isn't really our fault. We are tended, rooted, and pruned to be the best fruit bearers we can be, and we can simply BE and God's goodness will work through us.

Nice.

While I think that idea is incomplete, I also think it is one worthy of consideration.

Many of us TRY REALLY HARD ALL THE TIME, and this suggests that we can let go and God's goodness will keep flowing. That is an important truth, if incomplete.

So if God is the gardener and the pruner, then who are we when we resist pruning? I suspect that we are vine “canes” that are holding on for dear life to canes that have already been snipped and berating ourselves that we can't bring them back to life. There are these dead, decaying branches and we're holding them in place willing them to grow again, and in doing so, missing the new life springing up within us.

Several years ago I watched a TED talk by Dan Gilbert, a psychology professor at Harvard entitled “The Psychology of Your Future Self.” Gilbert's ideas have stayed with me ever since. He opens his talk by saying:

At every stage of our lives we make decisions that will profoundly influence the lives of the people we're going to become, and then when we become those people, we're not always thrilled with the decisions we made. So young people pay good money to get tattoos removed that teenagers paid good money to get. Middle-aged people rushed to divorce people who young adults rushed to marry. Older adults work hard to lose what middle-aged adults worked hard to gain. On and on and on. The question is, as a psychologist, that fascinates me is, why do we make decisions that our future selves so often regret?

I'm hoping you already see how this relates to letting God's pruning without fighting it! He states his thesis directly (don't you love that?), “What I want to convince you today is that all of us are walking around with an illusion, an illusion that history, our personal history, has just come to an end, that we have just recently become the people that we were always meant to be and will be for the rest of our lives. “ As you might hope, Gilbert proves this point along the way, and then goes on to conclude:

Most of us can remember who we were 10 years ago, but we find it hard to imagine who we're going to be, and then we mistakenly think that because it's hard to imagine, it's not likely to happen. ...when people say "I can't imagine that," they're usually talking about their own lack of imagination, and not about the unlikelihood of the event that they're describing.

The bottom line is, time is a powerful force. It transforms our preferences. It reshapes our values. It alters our personalities. We seem to appreciate this fact, but only in retrospect. Only when we look backwards do we realize how much change happens in a decade. It's as if, for most of us, the present is a magic time. It's a watershed on the timeline. It's the moment at which we finally become ourselves. Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they're finished. The person you are right now is as transient, as fleeting and as temporary as all the people you've ever been. The one constant in our life is change. 2

That is, pruning happens whether we want it to or not, and either we can make peace with it and let it be, or we can fight with it, but it won't change the fact that things change.

While I prefer it when I can read it with some verses missing, 1 John 4 is a very important chapter in the Bible for most people I know because it says the thing they believe most, “God is love.” It says it strongly too, “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God lives in us, and God's love is perfected in us. ...Those who say, "I love God," and hate their siblings, are liars; for those who do not love a sibling whom they have seen,

cannot love God whom they have not seen.” (11, 20). Perhaps this fits the idea that loving God and loving other people are two sides of the same coin, inseparable though they can appear to be different. These claims about God, that God is love, and that loving people is a way of loving God, are the lens through which I see the entirety of the Bible. I remain grateful that it is there, and available to be used.

John chapter 15 goes on to sound a whole lot like 1 John 4. The Vine and Branches metaphor morphs quickly to point out that the fruit that God is looking for is the practice of abiding in love. So both of them point the question: what impairs love and what encourages it? If we are being continually pruned by God, what helps us let go of what we're done with, and what helps us connect with what God is up to next? Or, in the metaphor, how do we let go of the pruned and dead branches so there is space for new growth?

Perhaps the best thing we can do for now is notice. We can notice what has been pruned, so we can let it go and we can notice what is growing so we can watch it growing. Perhaps this passage is exactly right for right now. We aren't the gardener, we aren't in charge, but we can – at least – stop impeding the Gardener's work and instead notice what it is.May it be so. Amen

1 Robert W. Funk, Roy W Hoover, and The Jesus Seminar, The Five Gospels: The Search for the Authentic Words of Jesus (HarperOneUSA, 1993), page 453.

2 Dan Gilbert, “The Psychology of Your Future Self” Ted Talk, found at https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_the_psychology_of_your_future_self/transcript?utm_campaign=social&utm_content=talk&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_term=soci al-science#t-308201 given on March 2014 accessed on April 29, 2021.

[lordjenjen-does-discourse]

That's cool too! (I feel like a mixed of all these things, along with each other sharing their interests/hobbies and providing support in their own ways, prevents couples from feeling same-y when written. Though people can have their smut. Just feel like it's a territory not often explored, y'know?)

This is why I'm such a hard core multi shipper. You can explore different avenues with one charater, or even one ship, but to me, you need to broaden your horizons a bit. Tweek and Craig's relationship would be completely different from Tweek and Stan. Sure you could write a Tweek and Craig story where maybe Stan would fit in between, because you justify anything with "they are 10, you never know how they will grow up." But your limiting yourself to a very narrow path.

Some people out there aren't going to like my reasoning on why you don't see nearly as many fics exploring just the relationship aspect of charaters anymore.

For me personally, it falls into 2 reasons. Motivation and Spite.

I'll start with spite. There is no lack of knowledge that there are some people out there that are trying to police fandoms in general. While I enjoy writing smut, it's not necessarily my go to, but these people drive me so up the wall with "You can't do bleh because it's problematic," and can't see why they themselves are the problem. I can be stupid spiteful sometimes and it leads to me writing shit just because I can, as a fuck you, which happens to be a lot of smut and just shit posts of fics.

Motivation is also a big reasoning though, and this is true for A LOT of authors and artists. Unless you are writing one particular pairing, and often unless you're writing them a certain way, you're not going to get any attention. And what attention you do get is just like "I read this!" There's no kudos, no comments, no sharing of your Tumblr post. It's like you're just throwing all of your work into the void in hopes two people will be like "nice" as it passes by them. It's demoralizing which in turn leads to less content.

There's also the harassment people get from the previously mentioned bit of fandoms. Not a lot of people can read the amount of hate being thrown at them and still be like "Ah yes! I should continue my 200k Crenny slow burn! That it appears only 10 people are reading."

Yes artists and writers do it as a hobby, but when no one appreciates your work, you kind of just call it quits. I totally love writing all aspects of relationships, there are so many WIPs sitting in my folder labeled South Park on Google Drive! But the motivation to finish them come in waves. And I know that's true for others. We get burnt out from the real world or different projects, we have a hard time feeling motivated to keep going, the hate is real, and the lack of response from anything not Creek is demoralizing. But when that one comment comes across, you get a pump of motivation to go again.

So there are three really good ways to show you'd like to see more of something.

First off, you can usually find the creator on a social media platform. Not a whole lot of them hide. You can drop them a message and be like "I really like the way you write blehblorb. If you're taking requests or anything, would you write them on like a date night?" Or whatever it is you'd like to see. Most authors will be nice as long as your nice and either tell you yes or no. Don't harass, just ask nicely. If they have something in the works already, they are more likely to continue it.

Second way, is to comment the fuck out of something you like. I know people say this all the time, but I can't tell you how motivated I get when I get spammed with a series of reblogs and comments. God I fucking love that shit and will dive back into a related project. I have like three long ones I'm working on.

Third way, and I know we say it a lot as well, is to create the content you want to see. Part of why writing for something not popular gets you down is because you look and you're the last 5 fics created and 2/3 the fics. If people see something is bopping, they'll feel the motivation through that as well. Even if you think you're fic isn't good or your writing sucks, you're adding content to something unpopular, it's already going to get love and affection. And if people do the second thing of actually showing that love and affection for this rare thing, then it creates a cycle and more people want to create.

I did not mean to turn this into a sermon, it just happens. But yeah, I love writing the romance and the getting together part of relationships and this ask just makes me more motivated to write on my Steek and coffee shop au you didn't ask for but are totally getting.