#seeing the ways that the culture around me affected who i was as a child & who i grew up to be.

[hyunjinsjeans]

He Knows (Felix ver.)

Han ver. | Seungmin ver. | I.N ver.

Masterlist

Synopsis: After Felix drops several hints that he wants to take the next step in your relationship and is met with your negative answers, a certain event causes you to suddenly realize you will never be truly ready, so why wait? And why make him wait any longer?

Type: Fluff 🧸, female reader 💃

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy, mentions of children in precarious conditions. Lazily proofread.

Word count: 2075

AN: For someone who swears to be Hyunjin biased, I have to admit little mr sunshine himself does things to me and my brain chemistry and this is evidence of it. I think it turned out pretty cute, let me know your thoughts. Please enjoy!!

You walked the busy streets with a sense of accomplishment, you and Felix had had a wonderful couple of days in Australia already after you decided to schedule the entire trip with Felix to make the most of both of your free time. First, would be a week with Unicef and a week in Australia to see his family. 

It wasn’t easy being a public figure dating an idol. You were used to some degree of fame, appearing in a couple of tv shows. Your big break came after you began dating Felix, but by the time he communicated to his fans that he had been seeing someone and wanted to marry them you were a well established actress. In a way it was insane that he actually asked his fans if it was okay to get married, but you understood idol culture was a completely different ball to being an actress. 

Fortunately, you managed to land bigger and better roles. The exposure had you at a place where you were able to give back to others, so when Felix talked about donating to his favorite charities it came easy to take his advice and look at causes that felt close to you. Which landed you at a child protection center in Madagascar. 

You and Felix recorded each other all throughout the trip, from the moment you walked into the airport back in Korea to the moment you first met with the center director. It was not an easy thing to do, Felix had been on a couple of these trips before so we had a better understanding of what he was doing. You spent most of your time helping in different areas of the center, Felix was with the doctors in the morning and you were in the classrooms with the teachers and children in the meantime. 

It was rough to look at the lives of the children at the center, to watch the tests they had done come back with less than average results. You ended up crying in Felix’s arms the very first night after you spent part of the afternoon helping feed babies with special nutritious formulas and purées. Although you had a hard time in the beginning, you pulled through and found yourself having a harder time leaving the center.

Your talents in the classrooms had quickly made you a friend of most of the children, who liked to play with you and Felix. For the seven days you were there most of the time you managed to interact with one another was spent with a child in your arms. Felix made little effort to hide how much he loved seeing your maternal side, how you cooed at the youngest ones and teased the older ones, how you braiding the girls’ hair and playing football with the boys made his heart swell with love and pride to know one day you would give all that to your children.

He found you cute in how you would encourage the girls with crushes on him, one day even helping a small group make him little love letters (which he packed carefully in his suitcase). On the other hand the boys would run around behind you, asking for a kiss on their cheek or giving you compliments to get you to pat their heads or give them some form of affection, which you had given out freely to all the little ones since day one. 

Saying goodbye had been hard, Felix felt as if he was stealing you away from the youngest kids. You held the babies until the last possible moment, there were two girls; one was only eight months old and fighting to get into a decent weight, the other was a one year old in a similar situation. Felix offered his goodbyes too, both of you promising to return as soon as your busy life allowed it. 

The next stop in your trip was Australia. You spent more than an entire day getting there but managed to arrive successfully, tired and jet lagged. You walked out the gates hand in hand. Puffy eyes, sleepy faces but all smiles.

Felix's family was waiting, all happy smiles and bright attitudes. 

His parents had always been nice to you, reminding you a lot of your own family, Felix’s sisters were shy around you since they did not know you too well but still joked and talked to you a bit. Part of the reason for the trip was because you wanted to get more well acquainted with your husband’s family. 

“Oh, how was it?” Felix’s mom asked the moment she held you, right after hugging her son. 

“It was interesting,” her son commented, “those kids are wonderful, the people running the center are doing an amazing job.”

You echoed his words, adding “yes! It can be so hard too, they have this small hospital, a school and a kitchen… It’s really a lot.”

Felix’s parents guided you outside to their car while you talked. Felix did not let go of his chance to praise you in front of his parents. 

“Our Y/N here was a hit with the kids,” he told his mother, his hand squeezing your hand as an amused smile reached his eyes. “I was worried the boys were going to ask you to marry them.” 

You laughed at his words and leaned your head on his shoulder. “You’re one to talk, how many Ms. Felix did we leave behind?”

He chuckled at that, remembering the letters in his bag. You had gone through them in the plane, they were adorable and some of them had intricate details. 

“Oh, I’m not surprised…” his sisters giggled behind you, “he’s always had fans anywhere he goes.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Felix put his free hand up, “I’ve only got one Ms. Felix.”

During dinner you showed everyone some of the pictures from the trip, by then you had both freshened up and had a short nap. Eating your mother-in-law's warm homemade food made both of you finally feel relaxed and this made it so that you could have a good conversation with everyone at the table. It seemed although Felix’s siblings were still shy around you, they sensed your openness and were eager to ask more about yourself. When they first met you, they had been somewhat starstruck. To you, that was wild because you were nowhere near as famous as their brother - who they loved to tease and play with, so you were pleased this time that you could talk about how much you enjoyed listening to a certain artist, indulging on makeup tutorials on youtube and how you were a terrible baker, telling them the sad story of your last baking fail (it was a batch of coconut cookies that never saw the light of day, partially because you almost burned the place down). 

Once you and Felix were back in your small rental for the week, Felix let his slim arm fall over your shoulders. You giggled as you felt him swing his body from side to side as if he was drunk. By instinct or perhaps by force of habit, your hand grabbed his that was left hanging above your shoulder, your free arm wrapped around your blond husband’s waist. 

“Aw, what will I do with you?” You wondered in a dramatic tone. 

He smiled right in your direction, his eyes turned to the ceiling and he touched his chin with a playful glint in his eyes. 

“You could lay me down on the sofa, or have a baby?” He shrugged, gaze darting back to you. 

“Be so for real right now…” You huffed, squeezing his hand. 

If you had to be honest, you felt bad for shutting him down so many times in the past six months or so. He was not joking, you knew he started disguising it as a joke because you had said no plenty times before. You felt overwhelmed the first time he asked, then the second you were in the middle of staying calm while waiting to hear if you had gotten a role (you did!), then the third time you were worried about being too busy… every time he asked there was something in your mind that went “ah, no because…” 

It did not go unnoticed by either of you how this time, you had no excuse. 

“Y/N?” He straightened up in your embrace and stopped fooling around. 

You said nothing. 

He slid in your field of vision, as you had stopped dead in your tracks in the middle of the living room. Your arms almost dropped to your sides as you stared ahead in wonder. 

Why is your mind blank? You cannot think of anything other than how unprepared you had been on your first day at the center. How you still reached for the babies and held the kids’ hands to let them guide you as you ran behind them to their favorite spots in the makeshift playground. How your heart felt so full of love it was as if it could burst anytime Felix expressed exactly how honored he would be to have you make him a dad. 

He bent his knees to look down at you, “are you alright? Did you fall asleep with your eyes open?” 

The blond swiped his hand in front of your face. 

“Love?”

You felt tears prick at your eyes when you looked up at him. The clouds in your mind had suddenly cleared and you were thankful you had his freckles to focus on before your eyes met his. 

“I will.” You blurted out, “I want to.”

Felix’s brow furrowed, worry about not understanding you filled his chest. 

“You want to… what?”

You blinked, tears spilling from your eyes. Your hands reached to wipe them, but his tender ones beat you to it. You allowed him to clean your face before you held on to his hands. 

“Felix, I am not ready. I don’t think I will ever be… but I want to have your baby.”

He held your gaze for an entire minute, both of you allowed for the silence to settle and your words fell into place where they belonged. Felix’s worried frown softened, his hands ran down your frame like water flowing down a waterfall and he held you close to his body. The warmth and vibrant scent of ginger and cedar wrapped around you. Before the sound reached your ears you could feel the vibrations on his chest, he let out an airy laugh as he rested his chin on your head. 

“I thought you had gone insane for a moment,” he chuckled now but he quieted himself and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I’m sorry if I’ve pushed you, love…” 

You pulled away from him, fistfuls of his shirt bunched up between your fingers. “No, no, no! You haven’t pushed me!”

Felix stared at your hands and you let go of his shirt while speaking, flattening the fabric. 

“I think I was scared. I love you too much to mess up,” you admitted in a low voice, “I kept thinking of all the things that could make it not work. All the reasons why I could disappoint you… in the end, we’ve done hard things together and we were not ready for them, but we are together.” 

Felix nodded his head along and let you finish. 

“I know how bad you want this, and you know there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” You reached up and smiled as your thumb went over the side of his face. “Besides, you can’t do it without me!” You offered him a bright smile, instantly adding, “please don’t do it without me!”

Your husband laughed, looking away at your panicked last sentence. He nodded and kissed your cheek. 

“I would never do it without you,” he whispered in your ear. “My family is going to go insane if we have a boy, I assure you.”

You tilted your head back arching your brow, “do we want to make them go insane?” 

Felix looked up in fake thought before shaking his head no, “I would prefer to make you insane.”

With that he pulled you up in his arms and started walking down the hall to the bedroom. 

“Right now?! You maniac!” you yelled but there was a big smile on your face. Butterflies dancing in your stomach. 

————

Likes, Reblogs and Comments are welcome! Thank you for reading!

[7seas-of-ryy]

I Need You | Part 2

Part 1 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Author’s Note: I wanted to give more background before I get to the main storyline so that's what this part is all about! Thank you to everyone who took time to read Part 1, it means more than you know <3

Summary: You spend a lovely day in the city and reflect on your life so far.

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Warnings: Blood, mentions of kidnapping and torture, death, let me know if I need to add any others :)

You started off your day at a coffee shop and bakery. You took your time eating a small pastry just enjoying yourself. You already felt better compared to the terror you felt this morning. As you sat at the little table outside of the cafe, you couldn't help but people watch. You had been with the IC since before under the mountain, you witnessed so many vile acts that you liked to embrace moments like these.

So, you watched the table next to you which had a woman who appeared to be writing a book. A smile filling her face as it seemed she found the perfect word to use. Next, you spot a couple walking past the cafe with their child. All three giggling at something, hope of a bright future in their eyes. Then you see a couple at another table, gazing into each other's eyes so full of love.

You wanted that so badly, that love. But if giving up that longing part of yourself meant keeping everyone around you happy, you'd do it. Everyone always assumed you and the spymaster would end up together. You spent every available moment each of you had together. But you knew he was in love with Mor. Then Elain showed up and you witnessed them grow closer.

Azriel was never cold towards you as his affections for her grew, he just didn't see you as often. And after everything they had been through, they deserved that love. You'd accept any bit of his friendship he'd give you, like meeting at the new bakery later.

For now, you needed to stop thinking about that and just enjoy your day. It had been a while since you had a break and you knew you needed it. You were an important asset to the group which meant you were always busy with work.

Growing up, your dad loved to travel, to see different cultures. Since the day you were born, you went with him and your mom. He would travel from court to court no matter how dangerous. He even took you to the human lands, where you found a love for the mortals. Traveling all over and seeing all the different ways of life taught you so much, you became an expert on every court.

In your free time you would study the history of each court, you were highly intelligent and wanted to learn. You loved every minute of it, until a visit to the autumn court. You tried to stay hidden at the more dangerous courts, blend in to learn about them. You would set up camp far away in the woods if you had to.

One morning, you woke covered in blood. At first you believed it was yours and something had attacked you. Only for you to realize your father was laying dead in his bed and your mother was missing. There wasn't even a scratch on you. You immediately ran to see if you could find your mother but there was no trace of her.

You took off running, you didn't even have shoes on. You weren't sure how long you were running for, you didn't know where you were running to. As you were running, you saw shadows appear in front of you, then their owner. Azriel had saved you that day and brought you back to the Night Court.

Rhysand immediately offered you sanctuary and a job. You helped them with research, translations, and your knowledge of the other courts. You were never trained in the physical sense growing up, but Cassian, Azriel, Mor, and Rhysand all took you to train in your spare time.

Azriel always seemed to keep you company as you worked. That was how your friendship truly started. He was always so kind to you and his shadows loved you, wrapping themselves around you any chance they could. He started calling you sunshine one night, stating that no matter how dark he felt he knew he could always come to you for some light. That nickname stuck and everyone in the IC started calling you Sunshine. After everything that had happened to you, you were so happy to have another family.

Eventually under the mountain happened, then the war, and then you witnessed Az give Elain a beautiful necklace. Once it all settled, you knew you should just be grateful to have survived. Be grateful you have a whole day to do things you loved.

After the cafe you went to a few shops. You bought a few toys for Nyx, some jewelry for Amren, and a beautiful sketch book for Feyre. After all that shopping, you were tired and hungry. You grabbed a snack and your book you packed and head over to a big tree. You sat at the bottom of it, enjoying the shade and your book. You didn't know how long you were reading for but it seemed like the day was going by fast.

You decided to head over to the art shops just to view the beautiful pieces that were created. There were so many talented people, the paintings always left you in awe. You ended up buying a painting for your room. You were too excited to get home and put it up. After paying and talking with the artist for a while, you noticed it was almost time to meet Az.

You gathered up all of your stuff and made your way to the bakery. Az wasn't there yet so you chose to wait outside for him. Hopefully he would help you carry some of the bags. You laughed softy thinking you may have gone overboard on the shopping.

You waited and waited and still there was no sign of Azriel. You thought that it was odd seeing as he was always on time. You were starting to get a little concerned when you heard some shuffling coming from the alley on the side of the bakery.

Relief washed over you and you realized he didn't stand you up.

"Oh good, Az, I was beginning to think you forgot about me. Here, can you help me with these bags?" you spoke looking down at your shopping haul and holding them out to him.

There was no response but maybe he didn't hear you.

"Az? Are you there?" You spoke a little louder.

Suddenly a giant man with bright red hair and a sly grin walked out from the alley, no not one. Ten. Ten men walked out and as I looked around to leave I realized there was no one else out here to help me.

Then the leader of them spoke. "You know, I like kidnapping and torturing my targets, but... I love it when they're pretty little things like you."

Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist :)

@darkbloodsly @xtreme-shipper @rcarbo1

[rockwgooglyeyes]

Taking into consideration Till's history with sexual assault (i will be tw and cw tagging for this), it puts the Ivantill kiss in round 6 in so much more perspective for me. Not only that, but it gives a lot of context and reasoning to the way that Till interacts with other people (as well as his rapid, violent mood swings) into perspective.

I just to preface with this- I have never been the victim of sexual assault or sexual harassment, so my discussion on this purely comes from what I know at a psychological angle, in addition to what I know based on this video from pop culture detective on Youtube and his videos on the male interaction with abuse and generally seedy behavior in media. It's really good, I enjoy his content a lot. Anyways analysis below the cut. Content and trigger warning for discussion of sexual assault, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, and pretty much everything else relevant in this fandom (slavery, child abuse, etc)

Out of all of the characters in Alien Stage, Till is the most openly dehumanized. Sua is treated like a doll, Ivan is treated like a trophy horse to parade around, Luka is something of a combination of both- but Till is the lab rat. He's the losing dog that Urak is betting on. They're all dehumanized to a degree but Till is dehumanized so much so that his defining feature is his rebellion. Even amongst the fandom, he's made into Ivan's side piece or the idiot who's hopelessly in love with Mizi and yeah, I do think Till is a dumbass but I say that out of the deepest affection possible, I love this little freak and I want the best for him. I truly do.

He's so smart and talented and yet, he hates himself. He's passionate about music, he uses it to express himself in ways that he can't otherwise, and he's so good at music, too. He's not good with people and he has a temper and he's easily flustered, yes, but he's so complicated. He was hopeful and innocent to the ways of the world but when he was bought by Urak, he was shown how utterly and hopelessly cruel the world could be. Comparatively, even Ivan and Sua got lucky, with their absent and emotionally abusive owners- Till was put through hell, experimented on, forced into a cage and treated like a feral animal that needed to be shown who was boss- even when he was willing to go along with anything at the start. He wanted to be loved. He wanted to be cherished. Children always want so desperately to please their authority figures, I can't imagine that he would have resisted in the beginning, hoping that if he went along with whatever Urak told him to, that he would be rewarded and treated with tenderness and care.

He never was. He was beaten and broken and thrown through the wringer time and time again. They made him miserable because that's what Urak wanted- that's what makes good art, after all. A tortured artist who cuts off their own ear but paints the most beautiful night skies.

Even in Round 2, we see this dehumanization. Till has a tether, keeping him to the stage, because he's "dangerous." He's marketed as this rebel, who needs to be tied down, who needs to gagged and muzzled, we can't let him speak because if he opens his mouth, he'll bite. He's pushed down to the ground, subdued, IN HIS MARKETING. This is how he's presented FROM THE BEGINNING. He is forced into this role of the mad dog who screams and claws and bites because this is the mold he was given, he pushed himself into it because that was all he could do. He's giving Urak what Urak wants and even that isn't enough. Because he might be broken, he might have given in, but he's still a stubborn bastard.

Before Round 6 (but after Round 5), Till refuses to sing Mizi's song in the bar. He gets angry with a member of the audience for implying that Mizi is dead, maybe even saying shitty something about her, and he goes at them with a bottle. As @a-star-that-burns-brightly said, he's the only human we've ever seen to get violent with an alien within the bounds of Alien Stage, which makes Till all the more impressive- which means that they have to bring him down all the more forcefully.

I will admit- I didn't understand the scene to be SA until it was pointed out to me (not that I thought it wasn't, it just went over my head) but it adds so much to Till's character to analyse it through that lens.

They rape Till, punishing him for refusing to sing and punishing him to attacking an audience member. Terry Crews, who some may know from Brooklyn-Nine-Nine or other media, is a survivor of sexual assault, and he talked about it before the United States Senate Judiciary committee. He was assaulted by his manager, who was a man. And you may be wondering why I bring this up, and it's simply because I want to remind people that sexual assault is not about sexuality. It can be connected but correlation is not causation. Sexual assault is about exerting power over an individual to make them feel weak, lesser, and show them who is in control of the situation. It's not dissimilar to bullying (but far, far worse). After all, why would corrective rape be a phenomenon if it wasn't about exerting power over the victim and showing them that they don't have autonomy or agency? Because if they had autonomy or agency, they would be able to consent or conversely, the ability to say no.

Of course they don't have autonomy/agency, though, right? Because they're pets. They're possessions. It's akin to how we treat dogs and cats, we breed them and we don't let them say no, because they don't have an understanding of consent like we do, why would they need to say yes or no? They can just fight someone off if they don't want it, right?

Right?

Something that @k9punkout (Numso) said stood out to me, though, is that this might not even be the first time that this has happened to Till. This breaks my heart. Like, legitimately, it made me nearly cry when I read it, because the idea of sexual abuse being used as a form of regular and routine punishment against someone is horrible- but at the same time, that already happens. In prisons, in war zones, in households, sexual abuse is used as a regular punishment against people and that's horrible. The way that Till's experience specifically reflects that of a child in a toxic and abusive household is immensely interesting because of how people forget about that, how people don't seem to really care. He's a sopping wet kitten, yeah, he's a silly little guy, but he's been abused for his whole fucking life. He has a superiority complex that's teetering on an incredibly thin knife's edge and sometimes it wobbles into self-hatred and an absolute absence of self worth.

It's no wonder that Till clings so fiercely to the idea that Mizi is innocent and pure and hopeful, like he once was, because if she isn't- then does that mean he was stupid to ever hope at all? Was he stupid for expecting love and affection, from the people who were supposed to take care of him? Does that mean he's suffered for no reason, save Urak's amusement? Does that mean he's miserable just because, just because Urak demands that someone be miserable in order for them to be great? Does that mean he's been beaten, broken, made into this wretched, ugly thing simply because he's around? It's not so much that his suffering needs to have a purpose, it's more that if it's pointless and based on whim, then that says something about Till himself. That says that Urak saw something in him, something sturdy enough to be broken again and again and get back up. It says that he deserves this. (He doesn't, no one deserves that and deserving things is horseshit, but I can't imagine Till to be thinking anything else.)

Back, finally, to the whole reason I started writing this fucking thing: the Ivantill kiss in Round 6. I've seen some people call it SA, and while I can see why (and of course, I respect their opinions), I disagree.

Ivan shouldn't have continued to kiss Till after Till pushed him, yes, but at the same time, through the narrative of their kiss- it wasn't really a kiss at all. Not in the sense that it was an expression of sexual intent. And maybe this is because I'm on the acearo spectrum but. I don't believe Ivan wanted to kiss Till, it wasn't a romantic kiss, it was one last attempt to get Till to wake up, before it was too late.

Through the lens of knowing that Till is a survivor of sexual assault, the way that Ivan kissed him and his reaction to Ivan kissing him is all the more impactful because Till pushed Ivan away, yes, but he didn't seem horrified, or hollowed out like he is post assault in the bar scene. It shows his trust in Ivan, and maybe even the fact that he knows that Ivan isn't doing this to hurt him, Ivan is kissing him in a final effort to say "I love you. You're loved. I'm sorry."

Blue (@bluemoonscape) talked through this with me a bit earlier and he said something that stuck out to me as well "The kiss, if anything, shows how much control the aliens assert over them to put them in a position where this would be two friends’ last chance to communicate with one another, hence how desperate it is on Ivan’s part. (...) Ivan wasn’t trying to assert power over Till in any way; that just isn’t in his nature. Over the years, he basically lets Till dictate every aspect of their relationship, hell, he even gives power to Till over Ivan’s own freedom (power that Till didn’t want but nonetheless got)" and he really summed it up beautifully in my opinion. The ivantill kiss WASN'T romantic because it wasn't meant to be- Ivan was just saying that he loved Till period. It was a fucked up way to do it. I wish he hadn't.

But he was just trying to say goodbye.

(@atrophiedemotion because i mentioned this to you! <3)

[tossawary]

Having finished the first "Jedi Apprentice" book... some thoughts based purely on that one book and the movies...

On one hand, I do think that no one should have ever let Qui-Gon Jinn be responsible for a child. Like, yeah, the Jedi Council keeps sending children into horribly dangerous situations all the time (because it's kids media, this is how kids media works), so I will not put Obi-Wan repeatedly being in lethal physical danger entirely on Qui-Gon (it's a little bit on him); there's an institutional issue here. But, for the love of goodness, that aside, Qui-Gon is obviously just not currently equipped to take responsibility for and help a child's emotional and mental wellbeing.

On the other hand, I do think that this was... decently written? The characterization is clear. I do understand why Qui-Gon Jinn thinks the way that he does even if I find a lot of his thoughts infuriating and strongly disagree with his conclusions. His past experiences with a padawan fucked him up and it's coloring all of his current choices, and he knows it but doesn't want to examine exactly how. PLUS there is the cultural / institutional element of even Jedi initiates being deadly little killing machines and padawans regularly being sent into danger. Qui-Gon grew up this way, he evidently views some element of this as normal and acceptable. This is along the lines of what happened to HIM as a child.

And that's interesting. Obi-Wan Kenobi will later turn around and make some of the exact same mistakes with Anakin Skywalker.

PLUS there's the knowledge that Qui-Gon was trained by Dooku and... I have to believe that Dooku was probably worse, honestly. Like, I have not read the additional materials that might show off that master-apprentice relationship, but Dooku became a damn Sith Lord who waged war against the galaxy because he thought that accelerationalism would fix shit, which suggests to me that he was probably a strict and demanding master, probably not especially emotionally available, especially emotionally intelligent, and/or especially respectful of, like, other people's opinions or feelings. I won't assume at the moment that it was intentionally abusive or that there wasn't some affection there; I AM going to assume that the Dooku & Qui-Gon dynamic was in some way dysfunctional as all get out, though.

Qui-Gon is actively refusing to take a padawan because he knows that he's not in a good place for one and doubts his own teaching abilities! He really does not want to be responsible for a child! (And Yoda is going, "Fix him, I can," and by "I", Yoda means "12-year-old Obi-Wan Kenobi".) Unfortunately, Qui-Gon is so desperate to avoid Xanatos happening again that he shies away from taking even temporary guardianship of Obi-Wan Kenobi for the duration of a transport flight.

So, while knowing that Qui-Gon Jinn is going to fuck up even harder in later books, my current vibes for him are... He's like one of those unintentionally toxic parents who is doing their best most of the time but honestly can't see what exactly is fucked up about their behavior, because THEIR parents were WAY worse and even more abusive, and also general society generally agrees that "not starving your child" / "not beating your child with a belt" / "not causing any physical harm" is the peak of "good" parenting. I would bet that Dooku's expectations for Qui-Gon's skills and behavior as a 12/13-year-old were extremely high.

So, Qui-Gon means well, and is probably internally holding himself up against Dooku and correctly seeing that he is WAY better with kids than Dooku, but unfortunately, Dooku REALLY sucked as a teacher and guardian. (Like, Dooku may have successfully passed on skills, but the whole experience was generally volatile and unpleasant for Qui-Gon.) So "way better than Count Fucking Dooku" still lands us all firmly on: "Oh, shit, Qui-Gon fucking sucks at this, actually."

And Qui-Gon KNOWS he sucks at this! He knows he's not good with Obi-Wan, even if he doesn't fully grip his own position and impact. He's busy risking his own life and nearly dying multiple times fighting pirates and mining overseers right now in this first book, so he doesn't exactly have the time or the tools to fix his shit right now, even if he knew where to get started and actually wanted to rip open those old wounds. (And he does not.)

[thewertsearch]

Ask Comp 12/8

@williamjakespeare asked: One of the recent posts concludes that the circumstances around Vriska's god tiering were "so much worse than anything I thought was going to happen" and I'm curious. What exactly did you think was going to happen?

Back before I knew how God Tier ascension worked, my theory was that Vriska's Quest Bed might grant her access to a special dream moon, and that Tavros's presence there might throw some sort of spanner into the works. I wasn't sure what kind of spanner, and my theories were very vague.

Vriska's a huge taskmaster, and I thought she might have given him an instruction that he was unwilling or unable to carry out. Like, maybe she told him to leave her God Tier Moon, and he was unwilling to abandon her to a fate he didn't understand.

I guess I was right. In the end, she did give him an instruction he couldn't carry out.

Anonymous asked: For the kid who was the most vocal about her 'distaste' for their guardian, having Mom be the reason that Rose snaps is actually very sweet, in a sad way. ~DJ

The above line from Rose implies that she had a lot more affection for her mother than she was letting on.

Their relationship was complicated, but if Rose viewed her as a sister, I think there had to have been some camaraderie between the two. We just never saw it on-panel, because the narrative began on the most stressful day of Mom Lalonde's life.

@elkian asked: So, fun fact about that time John joked about rescuing Rose from the Broodfesther Throes and you were going "yes it's a joke BUT IT'S ALSO SERIOUS JOHN!!!": Hussie's author note for that page is almost verbatim your reaction. Homestuck is as serious as it is silly and typically both at once.

Every time Hussie and I share the same thought, a subtle chill runs down my spine.

@gl1tchypyr0 asked: In regards to the thing about LOWAA potentially corrupting Eridan, itd be a little smart to remember what Sollux said in his conversation with Terezi about a prophet has to go blind to earn their stripes or how an angel earns its wings, Sollux states that 'angels are terrible feathery demons that paradox space uses to usher in the end' and Eridan was actually killing them even if he wasn't Supposed to. If you really think about it I actually kinda find it sad? If he was already a troubled individual Before Sgrub and then was on a planet of 'terrible feathery demons' that whisper prophecies in his earfins for an entire month that he was made to feel he Had to kill, honestly it makes me nervous imagining just how many doomed timelines there are where Eridan snapped far earlier. Not to mention the fact he's also on the Blue Team ie Derse players ie most susceptible to waking up in his sleep and seeing tentacles and eyeballs staring back at him (not that he wouldn't be /used to that/ back on alternia with his job of feeding glybgolyb so Feferi wouldn't have to). Not really defending eridan but just, food for thought kinda? About how LOWAA might have affected him enough for Doc Scratch to bring up such a hypothetical. The idea that Eridan was already pretty bad before the inevitable Sgrub trauma and then LOWAA made thinks /worse/.

Oh, don't get it twisted - Eridan's just as much of tragedy as any of the other trolls. He's certainly written to be less sympathetic, but he didn't deserve to be raised in the Alternian Empire. Just like Vriska and Equius, he could have been a much better person, if only he was raised in a less violent and oppressive culture.

Of course, he could still be an asshole if he was born on Earth - but at least he'd have a chance to be better. Alternia stacks the deck against you in ways that simply aren't fair.

@galaxa-13 asked: It is very satisfying watching you pick apart everything Doc Scratch says without playing his game. Rose wishes she could, but unfortunately she is a child and not as smart as she pretends to be. Usually it's fun to watch people theorize because of what they don't know, so it's extra fun when someone as smart as you doesn't have the pieces I already do. Just chortling to myself, "Oh ho ho, just you wait!" @elkian asked: I may have sent this before but I ADORE your Doc Scratch dissertations. What few liveblogs (and fandom during/after the run) I've followed have other strengths and focuses, so these moments where you stop everything to shred his dialogue to see if fhere's even a GRAIN of truth are novel and absolutely fascinating. I think you've done the most thorough analyses of any 1 of his convos let alone all of them and I'm here for it. Rip that shady motherfucker apart! :D

Despite myself, I am enjoying puzzling out the true meaning of what he says. I've just got to remember that he is fully capable of lying.

I do think, on balance, that there is some hidden meaning to his words - it's just hard to find. His '50% chance of ascending' statement is definitely foreshadowing something, I just can't figure out what. I think it has something to do with the reboot session, but I'm waiting to learn more about the reboot before I really start theorizing about it.

Anonymous asked: In case the 7 Gates haven’t been fully explained yet — the Gates over a player’s house are all either entry (transport to somewhere on their planet) or exit (destination of a gate on the planet of the previous player in the chain). Using John as example: Build to gate 1, which takes him somewhere on LOWAS. Find gate 2 elsewhere on LOWAS, this will take him to the matching gate over Rose’s house — build up to her gate 3, which will lead to somewhere on LOLAR, then find the planet’s gate 4, etc.

Here's my old interpretation of the Gate system, from way back in Act 4. I'm fully in agreement with you about John's path here - the problem is that when you use it to extrapolate Rose's path, things start to fall apart.

See, this ordering method implies that in a four-player chain, your own Seventh Gate is located on the Land preceding yours, rather than your own. This means that Rose's Seventh Gate is the one that got John killed on LOWAS - the one which leads to his Denizen. It additionally implies that John's Seventh Gate should have been on Jade's Land instead. It's all very confusing.

Anonymous asked: Something I love about how this god-tier immortality system is described, however it works, is that "remaining neutral" will PROBABLY keep you alive… but when you think about it, remaining neutral means not making a REAL DIFFERENCE. As a God, if you want to make a difference in the world around you -- good or bad -- you have to be willing to stake your life on it.

True! It's an interesting balancing mechanism, where each God Tier has to decide whether their life is more valuable than their personal agency. Gods who avoid Heroic and Just situations are almost invincible, but they're also completely ineffectual.

I'd obviously try to game the system somehow, but the vague, subjective definitions of Heroic and Just make this a difficult system to game.

@spyril4132 asked: with the reveal of the heroic-just system, there's now a reason you might not want to god tier immediately: sacrificing one of your selves for a heroic cause and then doing what aradia did (but intentionally)

Good point. Although, I'm not sure I'd want to rely on the Quest Slab for my resurrection - at least, not yet. We don't really know the rules are, and how they differ from normal Quest Bed rules.

Anonymous asked: "I don't really care if Paradox Space sanctions his actions - he needs to be taken down, and if that upsets the natural order, then it's time for a new natural order." i think you for sure lean more lifeways on the life/doom player axis lol. oh, the laws of the multiverse say death is inevitable? well, that fucking sucks and i hate it, so i'm gonna wedge myself into the cracks and loopholes and *make* it evitable one day at a goddamn time, life finds a way motherfucker.

Life finds a way, motherfucker!

I actually find both Life and Doom fairly interesting, as Aspects go. I think, at this point, I'm committed to giving one to my kidsona, and the other to my trollsona.

If another Aspect ends up catching my eye, we'll have to start workshopping a Carapaciansona!

Anonymous asked: I think you got it kinda twisted what's going on with Rose. Yes she is slightly corrupted by the Horrorterrors powers/boons and Scratch's… Sheer Existence. But in her mind, she's doing this to Save her session, so if she does go God Tier and gets killed, her death wouldn't be Just, it would probably be Heroic. As she probably would've died tryong to save her session, which would cancel out the corruption from Scratch and Horrorterrors. Either way she still dies, but it's the difference in Why she dies that's important. […]

See, this is the whole problem, isn't it? These terms are incredibly subjective.

I personally think Rose's attempt to save her session is extremely Heroic - but Skaia couldn't possibly approve of her assault on the game, so I don't think it would cancel out her Horrorterror corruption. Sburb itself is probably the last word on what qualifies as a Just death, so I think that's what she'd get tagged as, if she died as a God Tier in the Green Sun's explosion.

I'm also not sure if getting tagged as Heroic would cancel out a Just tag. They're not necessarily opposites - Vriska, for example, is designed to have a controversial alignment, and could easily die in a way that counts as both.

@ben-guy asked: Small correction, you referred to the Alternian empire as "intergalactic" when it only exists within one galaxy as far as I'm aware. Yes, kind of a silly nitpick, and one that I could be wrong about, but I happen to enjoy thinking about the comparative scale of space faring societies lol. If there is a quote contradicting that, I'd like to see it! Pretty sure it's merely a galactic empire tho :)

Nah, that's fair - that's the kind of nitpick I'd point out, too.

Galaxy, singular. I think I parsed the Empire as intergalactic because massively faster-than-light travel is clearly possible in this setting, via time manipulation. We don't actually know if Alternia had access to time manipulation before Sgrub - but Earth seemingly did, so who knows?

@abacusdictator asked: Found your liveblog a few days ago and furiously binged it. Happy to find another Homestuck liveblog! Especially one I can see happen in-progress! I hope you enjoy the rest of the story!

Thanks - and you're certainly coming in at an interesting time!

Anonymous asked: Scratch "chooses not to lie," but he also has the privileged position of knowing in advance that Rose will misunderstand what the Scratch is, leading to her doing what he wants. If he knew that not lying wouldn't get him what he wants, or even if he didn't know for certain that it would, would he lie? If so, that basically means it's pointless to try to figure out his true meanings, because if you succeed, he'll have retroactively lied about it anyway.

Yeah, this is pretty much my take.

Does it really matter if he 'doesn't lie' if he can foresee all the truths that will mislead you? When you're playing at his level, the actual truth of your statements barely matters.

@skelekingfeddy asked: to my knowledge this has never been commented on by hussie, but i feel like doc scratch doesnt lie in part because he was made from the cueball. its a fortune telling device that predicts the future with remarkable precision and accuracy. you wouldnt expect it to lie, would you? its just that the difference between scratch and the cueball is that he can pick and choose WHICH truths to reveal at which moments. (his penchant for jokes thus probably comes from cal (‘haa haa hee hee hoo hoo’) i feel like him never lying is also a way to feed his own ego. its a self-imposed(!!!!) restriction, and yet despite it he effortlessly plays everyone like fiddles. and he KNOWS it. he CHOOSES never to lie. he VOLUNTARILY hands the people he manipulates an advantage on a goddamn silver platter, and he STILL wins. ‘Isn't it funny how during our various matches, I can tell you what my moves will be in advance, and still win?’ hes so fucking smug. what a pompous dipshit. i love him Anonymous asked: I think that when Scratch say he don't lie, he mean it, and not because of some vilainous valor but out of sheer ego. Scratch is prideful, he love beating other by "playing with cards face up" and tricking them with exact word, he doesn't tell the truth because it's "honorable", he tell the truth because he doesn't need to lie to win.

Also, this. He's just a smug fuck.

Do we know for sure if the cueball is always truthful, actually? Scratch heavily implies it here, but he's only stating it as a hypothetical.

Anonymous asked: Scratch is like a fae, he doesn't lie but you better watch out how he word what he say.

I'd be so screwed against the fae. Not because I couldn't parse their statements, but because I'm only halfway competent with human social customs, let alone weird alien ones.

@manorinthewoods asked: Honestly, I think it's great for his character if Scratch is actually completely dead of emotion inside, possibly even thoughts, and is just near-mindlessly carrying out the necessary parts of his role in the story so that his desired outcome is achieved. He's omniscient, he doesn't need to think. On the other hand, he does seem to have experienced genuine emotion, on occasions… ~LOSS (24/7/24)

A pseudo-omniscient character, mindlessly following the optimal path to their ultimate goal? This smells suspiciously like a Certified Contessa Moment...

Anonymous asked: In the trolls game all the trolls got to see and speak to their lusi after they died because they put them in the sprites. Meaning Gamzees dad coming back wouldn’t get him sober. Ideally Gamzee would be able to interact with his dad way more then he ever had in the past because his dad now had to guid him as his sprite.

Fair point. Although, we know that prototyping tends to affect your personality, and shifts your priorities towards guiding your Player through the game.

Goatsprite's sprite knowledge might have informed him that Gamzee needed to be on Sopor Slime, or game would become unwinnable.

@heliotropopause asked: "Well, no! That’s the problem! The cueball’s omniscience is completely redundant, because the MEOW code already contains an omniscience gene! According to the Scratch loredump, any ‘intelligent’ host for the MEOW code will be granted near-omniscience. Scratch didn’t need the cueball," I think it's worth considering the what exactly he meant with that- it seems perfectly plausible that the teleportation-based powerset established for bequerel would make an intelligent agent very good at observation, either by physically hopping around, or by teleporting light around to see distant places, or by sending out telekinetic "feelers"; we know bec has the capability to separately manipulate individual objects in physical contact from afar. None of this would give him knowledge of the future, or of physically disjoint spaces like the human session, so the cueball is not at all redundant.

It's possible. See, this is another situation where we're really being hampered by our small sample size. We've only seen two First Guardians, and only one of them has been a 'standard' First Guardian, unaltered by HONK. As such, we don't really know how First Guardian clairvoyance is supposed to function.

Another Guardian with human-level intelligence is desperately needed, for science. It's almost enough to make me want the Scratched Guardian of Earth to be made from a human...

@manorinthewoods asked: As an alternative explanation for the double-omniscience problem, one could say that the cueball, in being used to create Scratch, retroactively and conceptually gained his omniscience - so effectively, any use of a cueball allows you to attune to Scratch's awareness (as long as he's alive, perhaps?). This would subsequently imply that First Guardians are all linked to their components - for instance, there would be some link between Bec and all dogs, or specifically Halley. ~LOSS (23/7/24)

As this ask points out, I might just be drawing the causal arrows in the wrong direction. If the cueball is omniscient because of Scratch, rather than the other way round, then there's really only one root cause for his clairvoyance.

I'm not sure why it would work like that, but I do like the idea of Colonel Sassacre running around the early 1900s with a suspiciously powerful dog.

@manorinthewoods asked: The link between 'Skaia's final gate of defense' and 'first to find Alternia' is something I just didn't notice (because I didn't really pay attention to the words and botched my experience by not watching the Flashes), but it would imply, to me, that the gates run in reverse order, Skaia to World - first meteor in, last meteor out. This would mean that the moon which dropped on Jade was the last meteor to hit […]Skaia. ~LOSS (23/7/24)

Hey, good catch!

Jade's meteor was the last to arrive on Earth. By this logic, wouldn't it have been the first thing to leave the session, rather than the last?

That makes a sort of sense, actually. A meteor this enormous would dwarf the entire Incipisphere, so the game would probably want it out of the picture as soon as possible.

@manorinthewoods asked: You seem to have run with the interpretation that all First Guardians run on the same fundamental genetic code, identical to MEOW but using different letters. Not really how I thought of it - I interpret that every FG's code is different, although I also didn't think too hard about the FGs. No reason that they'd necessarily all have to have the same genetic code - after all, Bec's a dog and Scratch's a Scratch. You'd only really need a single gene to code for Green Sun powers… ~LOSS (23/7/24)

It does say they share a genetic sequence, rather than an entire genome. Becquerel presumably contains some dog DNA - the 'host' - which is absent in Scratch, so their genome can't be identical.

Unlike Becquerel, Scratch's hosts were entirely synthetic. They didn't have DNA - which, to me, implies that his entire genome is just an amalgamation of the BR8K H34DS T1CK T0CK HONK sequences. His DNA is just the First Guardian sequence, plus whatever is in HONK.

...what the hell is in HONK, then? If it's DNA, it has to come from some living thing, and I have a horrible feeling that Gamzee spliced his own DNA into the sequence. Why else would he call it HONK?

@skelekingfeddy asked: ‘…the fucking bow-tie! He’s wearing Cal’s Alternian clothes! The proof’s been staring us in the face this entire time, and we were none the wiser!’ look at what regular cal is wearing underneath his blue ‘CAL’ shirt :)

My guy's been pulling the long con.

@morganwick asked: "#but now that i have an antimatter pellet I can feed it to my bees. they can create nuclear waste honey without all the fission rigmarole" Minecraft, Sollux style. (Or maybe Minecraft, Problem Sleuth style?)

Sollux would be a Productive Bees specialist, wouldn't he? That, alongside every computer mod in existence.

@elkian asked: Sorry if I'm the 80th person to mention this but Vriska's 8r8k could also refer to the act of shooting the cue ball at the group of pool balls at the start of a game, known as a "break". @ben-guy asked: Fun fact: In pool terms, the "8r8k" actually refers to the opening shot that sends all the balls flying everywhere. Additional fun fact: The game of pool has a history of being used as a metaphor for causality, which lends some interesting metaphorical weight to Doc Scratch as a cue ball.

Oh, that's true - pool balls are often used as an analogy when talking about causality. Surprising that that's never occurred to me before.

I like to think that when the Felt storm a rival gang's lair as a group, they call their maneuver The Break.

@manorinthewoods asked: Oh my god, Aradia uses Jack to go to the Green Sun. That's such a cool detail. It's so fast, I didn't even see it. To be fair, although the timing is ridiculously impressive, Aradia is both a god and specifically a god of time. Although it's never stated, perfect timing is an obvious power for Time God Tiers to have, which does mean that Aradia would be a half-Flechette. ~LOSS (18/7/24)

And Kanaya's a fashion designer, too. Aradia x Kanaya when?

Anonymous asked: Hey, unfortunately the reqs list link seems to be janked out on my mobile client so I hope this is ok but if you haven't already heard of it I highly highly reccomend Jon Bois' 17776: What Football Will Look Like In the Future It's about football in the same sort of way that homestuck is about video games

Love that story - and I still have to read the sequel, actually!

Anonymous asked: Forwarding another question from the person without a Tumblr account: ~DJ. [I think the change in Equis and Nepeta's behavior is explained by "being together and solving problems together for a long time was great for Equius' and Nepeta's relationship" and "the destruction of Alternia helped Equius realize some facets of Alternian culture he believed where false" (because unlike Eridan he is able to change his mind about stuff like this). - RM]

I really want to see what Equius and Nepeta got up to for a month, as well as all the other trolls. It'd be great to get an 'untold stories of Homestuck' anthology at some point - and hopefully, that's something we'll see in some of Homestuck's tie-in media.

Anonymous asked: I’ve been thinking about Bec prototyping himself and I think I’ve got an answer that works for me - not necessarily the whole answer or the only answer, but I think it’s got something. Basically, Bec knows he can’t / shouldn’t get rid of the meteor entirely (he came down in a meteor that built the frog ruins, so even if we’re just going off what he’s experienced we can say that he probably on some level understands that these meteors landing is important) but he also understands he doesn’t have the type of power or the finesse with that power to only delay it until Jade can take the shot. After all, he could’ve just teleported the living room junk to a different part of the house, but he sent it into deep space because his doggy brain can only deal in absolutes when it comes to perceived danger to his best friend, and the only power we’ve seen First Guardians use (to my recollection) that would in any way help with slowing the meteor is teleportation. He can’t reliably teleport it back only far enough that it will keep falling, but won’t yet land, and he doesn’t have anything else at his disposal - except becoming a sprite, who we’ve seen use beam attacks, which allows Bec to push the meteor back as a delaying measure. Don’t know if he knew it would help so specifically, but even so, I can see Bec understanding it as the only option he has that isn’t either ‘send thing as far away as possible’ or ‘let thing squish most beloved person’. I do think the weakest parts of this theory are What Bec Understands, but puzzling through that devilbeast’s thoughts is hardly a new impossibility. If nothing else, we can all understand that he did this to save Jade, because he loves her, and we love him for that. -Megido (am a new anon, just spent the past couple days catching up and have enjoyed this liveblog immensely)

I think this theory is a good one, and Hussie's comments support it.

The meteor needed to be destroyed in a very specific way for the timeline to retain its integrity, and Bec should instinctively know that, born from Sburb as he is.

Anonymous asked: There are three lenses I think you can view troll romance through: the Xenopsychology lens, the Propaganda lens, and the Parody lens. The Xenopsychology lens is that trolls do in fact experience alien emotions which cannot be felt by humans. It's not just that troll society chooses to categorize the same types of feelings and relationships that humans have differently; these are genuinely unique and original emotions, like a new color that a human couldn't imagine. Describing kismesissitude as hatemance or rivalry or abuse, or moirallegiance as bromance or besties or queer platonic partnership, or auspisticism as third wheeling or mom friending or refereeing are all fundamentally incorrect, because there is no human analogue. You can take this a step further and say that matespritship is also fundamentally different from human romance, even if it appears similar. Therefore all attempts to analyze or write troll romance should be forays into xenofiction, attempting to understand things within a nonhuman framework. The Propaganda lens is that actually troll emotions aren't really any different than human ones, but the quadrant system benefits the hemocasteist militaristic empire by keeping trolls divided enough to become either fucked up killers or submissive victims by the time they reach maturity, but have the minimum support structure needed to actually reach maturity. Kismesissitude is fundamentally unhealthy, auspisticism serves as a counterbalance to keep everyone from killing each other, and moirallegiance serves to prevent trolls from having multiple close friendships or from being fully open with their matesprit by arbitrarily sequestering who it’s appropriate to have certain positive interactions with. None of this is really romance except the one that’s analogous to human romance, but trolls are raised to buy into the system under threat of death. It’s hard to form community and contemplate uprising if everyone confines the meaningful relationships in their life to like 4-5 other people, half of which are based on negative interactions. Also it’s a commentary on how human rules about love and relationships and where the platonic ends and romantic or sexual starts are socially enforced rather than wholly natural and can be arbitrary and unhealthy. Anonymous asked: The Parody lens is that this is all Hussie making fun of fandom shipping tropes. All sufficiently devoted rivalries are actually romantic love. All sufficiently strong friendships are actually romantic love. These two are so hopelessly oblivious to the fact that they actually want to get with the guy they hate, or that the other person they think just wants to be friends actually feels the same way, they need a third party to push them together. (Okay this one doesn’t work because auspisticism seems to basically be the opposite of that? Maybe auspisticism is supposed to be like, contrived elimination of competing romantic options to assure an OTP. Idk if anyone really knows what auspisticism is supposed to be, least of all Hussie.) Also because this was early 2010’s Hussie, there’s maybe a certain level on which trolls being societally obliged to polyamory and bisexuality is also making fun of shippers, although if it was I think Hussie turned around pretty quickly to actually being cool about it. Much like how light is a wave, and a particle, and a ray, all of these are true at different times. This is because the nature of Hussie's writing is that even when things are serious business, they are also jokes. And this is also why the Homestuck fandom will never agree on the correct way to understand and depict the quadrants.

Great breakdown. As you could probably predict, I lean a lot more towards the Propaganda lens, with a healthy dose of Parody mixed in.

The Xenopsychology lens isn't necessarily untrue - it's just that, as I've discussed before, the trolls read as extremely human to me. I honestly believe that if you raised a human on Alternia, they'd probably be compelled to form the same quadrants as everyone else.

I once got an ask stating that, according to Hussie, each of the quadrants are meant to be exaggerated versions of human relationship dynamics. I'd really like to check out that full quote, so if anyone's got a link, send it my way!

[bonny-kookoo]

Intrinsic

Can we see how jungkook feels about human mating rituals like kissing? Do people from his planet kiss or have intercourse??

"I'm back!" You chirp, leaning over the couch to peck his cheek- making him freeze for a good moment as he seems to take time to process what you just did, it seems like.

He's decided to stay with you after your little confession weeks prior- but it seems like relationships in his culture might seem to differ greatly judging from his reaction to your affection. It's like he's not sure what you're trying to do.

So you sit down next to him on the couch, hands in your lap while he curiously smiles at you.

"Say, Jungkook..." you wonder, and he perks up, tail rising. "What are.. relationships like, on your planet?" You ask, and he seems to think.

"Well, we..." he starts, speech having returned by 90% until now- though he still has some hiccups here and there. "...live together?" He shrugs. "Share our bed, protect each other when we sleep.. hm.. and when we want a child we engage in intercourse. Is that odd?" He wonders, and you shrug.

"Do you.. like, not kiss? Hold hands?" You wonder, and he shrugs, before shaking his head. "Cuddle?"

"We cuddle with our young, yes!" He excitedly explains. "Because it gives a sense of safety and nurturing that they need. That's why I like when we.. cuddle. Because I like the feeling it gives me." He says. "What's kissing? Is that what you did just a moment ago?" He asks, and you shrug, nodding.

"Kind of. We.. kiss on the lips. When we love each other, you know." You say. "And we uh.. also, have intercourse without.. you know, the goal to have a child." You say.

"But.. so, that's normal here?" He asks. "I've.. hm. There's a few on my planet who do that too, me.. included. But it's not common. It's kind of.. 'frowned upon' I think is what they say here." He says.

"Oh, OK." You nod. "Please tell me if I do something that could bother you next time, yeah?" You say kindly, when he leans in, eyes determined.

"Please kiss me." He asks, moving closer. "You say when.. you love someone, you kiss them. I want to do that." He rambles.

"You don't have to. I love you without it too-" you try and explain, but he growls under his breath, tail whopping around in frustration.

"I want to know!" He argues. "I want to try!" He demands, and you lean in at that, pecking his lips-

And he's frozen in place after, eyes wide open, blinking for a few times, as if he's processing what just happened. "So?" You tilt your head, and at that he moves again, moving closer, his hands on your shoulders.

"Again." He breathes out watching you. "I want to.. learn."

"You like it?" You ask, and he whines, nodding impatiently.

"I do, now do it again, I want to kiss!" He demands, making you giggle as you lean in again, kissing him a bit longer-

Until he seems to catch on how it works, hands moving to hold your face in his palms, something set alight inside him when you try and open your mouth, tongue poking against his piercing in something like a test.

But instead it sets him off, as he leans in, pushing you onto your back as he takes over, using what he's learned immediately.

Maybe it's instincts. Yeah, it might be that.

"You make me-" he gasps, struggling to take control of himself again. "-want to do much more than just this.." he hums, leaning back a little to watch you. "I wonder how your kind acts on lust." He mumbles, watching your chest rise and fall, collarbone exposed as he traces it with his fingers. "I want to.. act on lust with you." He wonders, making you shrug.

"I mean, not a bad thing." You say. "We do it to be romantic and, you know, show love. And well, there won't be a child either. I'm not ready to be a mom yet." You joke, though he seems to be more serious about it.

"I understand." He agrees. "I don't have to finish. I just want to.. engage in the way you humans love, with you." He tells you.

"I mean, you can still cum." You giggle. "You know.. inside, too. Doesn't really matter since I've got an IUD." You shrug.

"What's that?" He wonders, and you laugh.

"I'll explain it someday, but its a bit too complicated right now." You laugh.

"So I can.. finish?" He asks, eyes wide open, pupils blown wide, round and almost swallowing all of his irises, as he watches you nod. "...inside?" He asks almost as if it's illegal to say it out loud, and you nod again, laughing. "But not here!" He suddenly says, picking you up to carry you into his room he's been sleeping in.

And though you do only end up cuddling and making out, it's still a pretty damn good time to you. It prepares you for what's might coming at some point-

And you're not sure if you should be intimidated, or excited for it.

[grassoftunnel]

On Genji…

The way its phrased in the ps3 Witch Hunt translation Genji says “I am a native of Taiwan”and let me tell you…the way my face CRACKED as an asian to read that and realise how hes so happily subservient as a BUTLER to this proud japanese fascist!

But then looking at the wiki it seems more unclear whether he said that because hes ethnic japanese who was born and raised there (as opposed to ethnic taiwanese who assimilated) vs kinzo who migrated with his family as a child.

I then looked it up and found the history of taiwan and its occupation by japan and how that affects its peoples identity, and for many people who lived through that generation, the memory of that time is complex and radically different from most other parts of asia (THOUGH DISCLAIMER IM BY NO MEANS AN EXPERT IM JUST SOME IDIOT WHO READ EXTREMELY SHALLOWLY AND BRIEFLY TO GET A ROUGH OVERVIEW). And ethnic japanese or not, his family were unambiguous shameless (proud, even) imperial collaborators and profiteers. Who were clearly embodying japanese ideals, culture, etc. even if they weren’t ethnically japanese, they had totally assimilated. Then after japanese surrender, Taiwan is plunged into political turmoil with the economic and political elites of which Genji was a part, being made to bleed and starve just like everyone else. Which is probably why in the manga, Genji is all disheveled and in a bad way when Kinzo finds him. Kinzo really did rescue Genji from having to continue to live through that.

Also…as a young master in Taiwan, of a family making their fortune off of imperial collaboration, Genji has spent his entire life turning away from difficult things and benefitting from a way of life built on the suffering of others. < edited to remove a line indicating that ryukishi deliberately named the ushiromiya siblings after nazis, this is pure speculation, as well as more lines of speculation about the intentionality, originally I firmly leaned toward it being unintentional, of Ryukishis critical portrayal of fascism in Umineko, I’ve since been told more about its portrayal in his other works and it’s changed my mind, see the replies if you’re interested!), but it goes to show Genji is a seasoned doublethinker…

It almost makes me laugh seeing him apologise to Sayo after everything, when really imo it only served to muddle up the painful feelings tearing apart her heart even more. It’s really incredible how he’s able to genuinely feel that pain for her while not regretting loving and serving Kinzo and really doing all of this for his sake. Sayo’s entire life was a pet project of his for Kinzo’s sake, or imo for Genji’s sake, since it’s very explicitly his way of “saving” Kinzo from himself. If it was really for her sake and not Kinzo’s he would have made it so she would live a life far away from Rokkenjima and never have to be burdened by this awful truth. While he cared for Sayo in his own way, she was ultimately a prop in Kinzo’s life, in Genji’s mind. Anything and everything to care for and protect and provide for this man who he loved so much...

Genji is such an absolutely evil bastard who ruined Sayo’s life (with not one waver in regards to his purpose for raising her like he did) and was an accessory to the almost unthinkably horrific life ruining of her mother. And not even for money like Kumasawa and Nanjo (who had his friendship with Kinzo but nothing approaching Genji’s Everything..). but out of an unmatched passion and almost fanatical identity revolving around servility to Him…

Theres really nowhere else hes happier or more fulfilled, than by his Master’s side. Double crunchy because Kinzo first loved him as his peer, and after rescuing him from Taiwan, Genji, as a point of principle, refuses to meet him as anything but his loyal servant.

Mrs Danvers and Max von Mayerling are actually individuals with normal psychological profiles compared to Genji Ronoue ahahaha. And if anything lmfao at least Mrs Danvers and Max von Mayerling got to hit! Genji the eternal service top in body and spirit but crucially not in practice….

[disciple-of-owen]

There are few who would argue that Fire Lord Ozai is not a bad parent. After his redemption, Zuko even refers to him as “the worst father in the history of fathers”. But where does Ozai’s awfulness come from? What drives it?

In order to understand the nature of Ozai’s abuse of his children, one must first understand how Ozai views the world. And as comical as it might seem, I think this can be boiled down to, “That which is of Ozai, and that which isn’t”.

Ozai sees himself, and the traits he believes make up his identity (strength, ruthlessness, precision, cunning, etc.) as the universal ideal. As such, the more a person or thing embodies ‘Ozainess’, the more objectively worthy, in his view, that person or thing is. This is at the root of everything Ozai does: he believes the Fire Nation (as shaped by Sozin) is the superior civilisation of the Avatar world not because of pride or patriotism, but because he sees it as the civilisation that most diligently strives to be like him (his narcissism would never allow him to consider the notion that his imperialist culture shaped him, and not the other way around).

His relationship with his family is the same. Ozai despises Zuko because he is the opposite of Ozainess, an insult made all the more bitter due to the boy being his own flesh and blood. Conversely, Ozai adores Azula because he sees her as not only an embodiment of the traits he values, but as a direct extension of himself. A literal mini me, complete with matching DNA.

If we assume, then, that Ozai’s ‘love’ for his daughter is no more than a warped form of self love, we can’t ignore the irony that Ozai doesn’t truly love his daughter at all. This is revealing about his own inner life: Ozai doesn’t love himself, but rather sees himself (or his own idealised vision of himself) as the perfect ideal that the rest of the world must be made to conform to. Even in his own mind, Ozainess is something to be imposed, not cherished.

I believe that, deep down, both Zuko and Azula knew this about their father, which explains their respective paths in life. Zuko, unable to be the flattering reflection that his father demanded, took refuge in his mother. Ursa, believing Azula was in less danger due to being Ozai’s favourite child, devoted her time and energy to nurturing her son, giving him the genuine, selfless affection that every child deserves. This left Azula alone with a father she knew cared for her only in as much as she was like him, which led to her devoting herself utterly to the Ozai brand as a subconscious act of self preservation.

[adviceformefromme]

10 ways I became anxiety free.

To overcome anxiety you need to put in the work, this is not some click-your-fingers-and-its-gone shit. You need to return home to yourself and learn to live in alignment with your truth and not what society expects from you. I went from years on years of crippling anxiety and panic attacks to living completely anxiety-free for many years now, here’s what I did....

1 ) I fucking paused. I created a space for myself daily to meditate / journal. I stopped listening to the outside world and started tuning into me. I noticed the voice in my head and all the ways it was kicking me down at every given opportunity. I noticed how I worked a job that was so far from everything I loved and valued in life, I started noticing the men I was choosing and how they would fuel my anxiety by giving me scraps of love which I accepted and tolerated for years. I noticed the ‘friends’ who’s energy I felt off around, I noticed my vices, drinking alcohol even dabbling in drugs and smoking for release. In pausing I really got to see how my life was so far from love, and this distance manifested as anxiety as a signal for me to come back home to myself. 

2) I stopped talking / obsessing over my anxiety. The more I read about it, spoke about it, the more it could live within me. I was feeding it each day the more I focused on it. I stopped giving anxiety my energy. I accepted it was there, and focused on feeling better. 

3) I got help. I found a therapist I trusted and could understand me (it can take some time) and this was a game changer. I did a course of cognitive behavioural therapy for 3 months (which I privately extended to 9 months) and learnt all the ways my childhood wounds had been playing out in my adult life. I would choose men that would validate my belief that I was not worthy, something I believed as a child from my dad. There was a long list of old beliefs that I was playing out in my everyday life triggering my anxiety at every opportunity. 

4) I moved my body, I did regular exercise, dancing, yoga, running, pilates, walking. In order to get that uncomfortable feeling out my stomach, it was crucial the energy in my body was being moved otherwise I was energetically stuck.

5) I learnt how to connect with my inner child, I found out what I needed, where I was neglecting myself, and this was huge for my anxiety relief. I read Susan Anderson for steps on how to do this.

6) I got new friends. I changed my circle, and with this my energy changed. I spent time with women who inspired me, educated me, lifted me up, and this took time. There were periods I had no friends but I knew it was more important to be alone than be around people who were not aligned with me, and my values. 

7) I stopped dating unavailable men, as my self love and worth grew I was no longer interested in men that rejected or treated me like an option. I choose men who treated me as I desired, with respect, care, interest, love and affection. Hot and cold men held no place in my life and this helped shift ALOT of my anxiety as my father wound was a huge part of the anxiety I was feeling on a daily basis. A man ignoring me for 3 days would trigger severe anxiety until I heard back.

9) I choose a career and jobs in alignment with my truth. I said no to jobs not paying me enough, jobs with toxic teams. At interviews I learnt about the culture and asked questions to see if I was a good fit for me. 

10) I poured into my passions and built my confidence, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and proved my limiting beliefs wrong. I travelled alone, I learnt to enjoy my own company, I read books, attended retreats, listened to music that made me feel good, I helped other people, I switched off my phone. 

All of the above was a huge process spanning over 10 years, it required time, energy, determination, heaps of self love and commitment, financial investment (self-funded), and an overwhelming desire to heal the parts of me that my anxiety was attached to. 

[markantonys]

"Rand's misguided chivalry is a central flaw of his character. If you remove it from his character in the show he's not the same character anymore." I have seen this argument few times about Rand and I have never understood it and strongly disagree. I always felt that his central flaw was believing he has to do everything alone. And his chivalry as it's depicted in the books simply wouldn't work with how show Rand has been characterized thus far.

Like, show Rand actually respects women as individuals whereas book Rand puts them on pedestals (I love him but it's true). I am curious how the show is gonna handle his conflict with the Maidens cause I can't see show Rand forbidding them from fighting cause they're women. The only thing I can think of that the show might do is he's hurt when they in particular die cause they're all he has left of his birth mom cause she was a Maiden.

100% agreement! imo many readers mistake "X is a big thing in the books" for "X is an important thing in the books" (though of course, we all have our own personal opinions on what is important or not based on our own individual interpretations of the story, so MY opinions on what's important or not are hardly right all the time either!). is misguided chivalry a big thing with rand in the books? yes. but does it affect the story or his character development in a significant way? i'd argue it doesn't, in the sense that the same narrative purposes can be accomplished by making his attitudes gender-neutral. if you change "rand has a problem with women dying for him" to "rand has a problem with anyone dying for him", or "rand wants to protect women" to "rand wants to protect everyone", or "rand/LTT is traumatized by his murder of his wife" to "rand/LTT is traumatized by his murder of his whole family", that doesn't alter the core of his story & character. the core of rand is someone who's so afraid of and guilty about hurting the people around him that he pushes them away and tries to carry all his burdens alone; there's no narrative need for him to have a specific hangup about women getting hurt, and that core doesn't change if that hangup is removed.

plus, multiple male characters share the same hangup about women getting hurt. how can misguided chivalry be soooo central to Rand Specifically when mat and perrin also suffer from it? when practically every society in WOTworld is set up to keep women from being soldiers or participating in situations where they might be harmed? even the aiel & seanchan place restrictions on what women are allowed to be warriors (only the unmarried & childless, because as soon as you become a man's wife or a child's mother your most important duty is now staying alive and safe For Them; meanwhile husbands and fathers have 0 restrictions from being warriors in any WOTworld society). imo it was much more of an internal cultural bias on RJ's part than it was a specific character choice for rand and rand alone (which is not a knock on RJ; all storytellers have their own internal biases that they bring to their stories, it's human nature! but not all of those biases are required for the story to work, and it's also human nature for adaptors to replace the original creator's biases with their own.)

it's also worth noting that the show is being made in a different time than the books. no matter what some readers think, a story being told in a different time HAS to be altered to better suit the audience of that time. we're supposed to sympathize with rand, but most viewers in the 2020s would find his benevolent misogyny irritating and frustrating, and it would turn them off of his character and make them find it difficult to understand or sympathize with his actions or his trauma. as someone who came into WOT brand-new in the 2020s, i had absolutely ZERO sympathy for any of rand's moaning about Must Protect The Women and all of that stuff accomplished nothing besides making me want to bang his head against a wall (i still love him though lmao). it was genuinely detrimental to the pain i was supposed to feel from rand's arc because i kept getting annoyed instead of sad! and i would be FAR from the only brand-new-to-WOT-in-the-2020s person to feel that way if the show had included that angle. for example, rand struggling to hurt lanfear ~because she's a woman~ and moiraine "dying" as a result would have 2020s audiences screaming at him for being a fucking moron, and a sexist fucking moron to boot. rand struggling to hurt lanfear because he's wrestling with extremely complicated feelings for Her Specifically due to the situationship she manipulated him into and moiraine "dying" as a result will be a hell of a lot more sympathetic to 2020s audiences and will allow the genuine tragedy of that moment to come across.

that's really what adaptation in a different time is all about: look at the intended emotional effect of a scene in the original work, and alter the scene as needed in order to inspire the same emotional effect in these different times. because 1990s audiences are different from 2020s audiences and sometimes it takes different methods to give them the same emotional reaction.

as for the maidens, in addition to your reasoning, it'd be super easy to simply say "the maidens are the sub-group among all rand's armies that he feels emotionally closest to, hence their deaths hit him the hardest." there's a really familial relationship that develops there - of course rand would be cut up when members of his Found Family die! there's no reason it needs to be related to the maidens being women. rand's behavior with them would change 0%, it would only be the motive behind that behavior that's different (different and far less annoying, and thus more moving and emotionally impactful).

[meowzilla93]

So I’ve seen so much ragging on Baxter calling himself a rebel or a bad boy, and it hurts me! ( I know most of it is in jest, its okay!) But I wanted to explain how he really IS what he claims to be, even though may just seem like a privileged individual

(I really had to reduce this from an essay to fit tumblrs character limit, I am talking like a 2k word essay, so its condensed but covers my points lol also please keep in mind I have taken canon information and given my interpretation of the information to this)

Lets look at the definition of a Bad Bay archetype – a cultural archetype often defined as a male who behaves badly, especially within societal norms. Qualities associated with this archetype is confidence, independence and/or assertiveness (though there are the negative connotations such as manipulation, dishonesty or a lack of consideration for others, but we are not focusing on those as these do not reflect Baxter)

And what is a rebel? At its core, it is a person who resist any authority, control, or tradition. Rebels like to change up the status quo, refusing to conform to societal pressures and controlling figures.

So lets look at Baxter Alexander Ward’s life:

Brought up in wealth

Was sheltered and raised with certain values

Parents were controlling and dictated a lot of his life

Was never treated like a child, but as an adult his whole life

More than likely taught to think himself above everyone (which he confirms)

Raised with very bigoted, misogynistic, homophobic and just cruel morals and notions  

If we look at those specific points, where does the Bad Boy archetype fit first?

By the time he reaches 19 years of age, he wants to be able to make connections outside of the circle of money he was raised in

Though he keeps up appearances for his parents, he tends to thumb his parents way of life, not wanting to become the same type of people they are

Rather than endorse their way of thinking, he becomes more open and accepting

(this boy might have mighty expectations for himself, but for others, he will never expect more than they can provide)

He is the very thing his parents do no approve off; Pansexual, accepting of others, opposite to what they want

By the time he is 19 years old, he is already snubbing his parents and their values, wanting to move outside of their circle of life and live his own life. There is the understanding that he was already sleeping around in high school, and considering his partners would be of all genders, the rumors circulating him would affect the image of the family, which his parents would not approve off. His visual looks, moving heavily into the black/ white monochrome and more alternative fit outside the expectations of what his family would expect of him. He dresses as he pleases, not as someone else would want him to.

These may seem like little actions, little acts of rebelling against his family, but these are MASSIVE in the context of his life. To flip the entire narrative that he learnt from his parents, and continues to do so in every way that he is able to. Sure, he gets a fake ID to just get a car to sight see in and get booze for himself to drink when out for dinner or even at home. But these acts are against what his parents expect or event want of him, what their social circle would expect of him, and as such, he fits the Bad Boy narrative within THAT social circle. And that is what matters in this context.

So, of course, this feeds into the rebel label. Going against everything he was taught, becoming the opposite person his parents expected of him. Resisting the control that his parents try and enforce on him and finding ways to escape the grip of expectation. I repeat myself a lot here but its that constant push back on what his parents expected of him, the morals, the views, the way he should handle himself and what they wanted of him. Baxter's rebellion is deep,y rooted in a sincere desire for authenticity, change and self-discovery, making him a truly compelling character.

Baxter at 19 years old was the Bad Boy Rebel of his families social circle. From the outside he just seems like a typical rich kid that was a bit strange, but from the inside, that’s where the rebelling sat.

Baxter at 24 is the man that continued in that path of rebellion. He further cut himself away from what his parents wanted, stood on his own two feet and tried to become the type of person he could be proud of. He separated himself from their morals, their visions, their actions. His mother who held charities to make connections and get a tax kick back? He does it to actually help people and does it almost pro-bono, no expectation to gain anything further from it. His father who holds a franchise and makes money from others manual labor? He takes the labor from others and takes it on himself to ensure that the day that they have (be it wedding or birthday or another event entirely) goes swimmingly and they have less stress than where they started.

Baxter continues to be a Rebel and Bad Boy as he grows and matures, as he continues to shun the way he grew up and becomes a better person for it.

There are probably other key points I have missed, but these are the ones that stood out to me, cementing the idea that Baxter Alexander Ward is a through and through

Rebellious Bad Boy

Thank you for coming to my (slightly unhinged) TED (tumblr) Talk.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

So here I am, unable to sleep again, because of the horrifying attack on Israel.

The stories keep coming out and for every new detail I find out, another part of my soul shatters.

[***massive trigger warning for the rest***]

I feel like I'm living in a parallel world to everyone who is not affected by this situation. It's been surreal to go about my work day and regular life as if the images of blood-soaked cradles, burned corpses, raped and wounded women, captives of all ages being taken away on vehicles, video of a small child being taunted for crying for his mother, body bags lined up in rows on the ground, torched cars and homes, and the raw grief of the surviving family members aren't burned onto the backs of my eyelids.

One account I read from a family member of the deceased was that she was beaten, raped in multiple ways and sticks shoved into each place, and left for dead. Another I came across spoke of a small child being forced to watch his parents tortured, killed, and hacked apart. Still another I saw was a report of several children bludgeoned to death so as not to "waste the bullets."

How can I possibly begin to process this?

These people look just like the people in my communities and the friends I've made across the sea. They have my Hebrew teacher's hair, my rabbi's cheekbones, they sound like the shinshinim kids we have each year. They look like the baby nephews of my fellow congregants. I could have davened next to any of them and never known. It is only sheer dumb luck that I don't personally know someone who has died or lost close family.

There has been a pit of dread in my stomach since Shimini Atzeret that will not go away. I find myself on the verge of tears at all times, yet have not been able to actually cry (which is not a good sign; an inability to express sadness in tears is a known post-trauma response for me) and I cannot rest normally. Sometimes I can distract myself for a bit, but the pain and grief rush back in immediately when I remember.

I can feel, in real time, this Jewish cultural trauma sinking into my bones.

And you might think I might be able to separate myself from it since I'm not there and don't have family there. But I can't, because I don't want to. I can't, because some tether bound me forever to the land as soon as my feet hit the ground there, and some part of my soul stayed behind when I left. I don't want to, because these are my people and so they are my adoptive family, even if I do not know them. I am my brother's keeper.

And so here I stand, half a world away from the danger, nervous and scared and grieving, searching our perfectly blue sky for signs of missiles that are not falling here and being startled constantly by the normal and unbroken landscape. The lush beauty of Midwestern autumn woods is juxtaposed in my mind with Middle Eastern walls painted in the blood of my people and their broken bodies beneath them. I see it in the waking light of day as clear as anything in front of me, and walk around like a person divided, in both places at once yet not being fully present in either. I cannot unsee it.

How can I possibly explain this? To myself? To the people actually having to live this nightmare? To the other people removed from the immediate physical danger but who do have blood relatives and/or other family there that they're just praying stay safe and come home at the end of the day? That they are constantly checking their phones for updates or even minimal signs that they're still alive?

The words fail me, but I the closest thing I have to an answer is love. I love my people and I would rather absorb this pain with them and carry it in my soul forever than look away from Jewish suffering. That is a promise I made by joining this people, that my fate would forever be bound up in the collective fate of klal Yisrael. Wherever you go, I will go; wherever you stay, I will stay; your people shall be my people, and your G-d my G-d. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. Thus and more may Hashem do to me if anything but death parts me from you.

אַל־תִּפְגְּעִי־בִ֔י לְעׇזְבֵ֖ךְ לָשׁ֣וּב מֵאַחֲרָ֑יִךְ כִּ֠י אֶל־אֲשֶׁ֨ר תֵּלְכִ֜י אֵלֵ֗ךְ וּבַאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּלִ֙ינִי֙ אָלִ֔ין עַמֵּ֣ךְ עַמִּ֔י וֵאלֹהַ֖יִךְ אֱלֹהָֽי׃ בַּאֲשֶׁ֤ר תָּמ֙וּתִי֙ אָמ֔וּת וְשָׁ֖ם אֶקָּבֵ֑ר כֹּה֩ יַעֲשֶׂ֨ה יְהֹוָ֥ה לִי֙ וְכֹ֣ה יוֹסִ֔יף כִּ֣י הַמָּ֔וֶת יַפְרִ֖יד בֵּינִ֥י וּבֵינֵֽךְ׃

[רות א]

I do not take that lightly, and I feel it in my bones. Some core part of me shattered at the same time as the rest of my community.

I cannot, and I will not look away. I will not close my heart or shield myself from this tragedy. And I will not forget.

עַ֥ל נַהֲר֨וֹת ׀ בָּבֶ֗ל שָׁ֣ם יָ֭שַׁבְנוּ גַּם־בָּכִ֑ינוּ בְּ֝זׇכְרֵ֗נוּ אֶת־צִיּֽוֹן׃ עַֽל־עֲרָבִ֥ים בְּתוֹכָ֑הּ תָּ֝לִ֗ינוּ כִּנֹּרוֹתֵֽינוּ׃ כִּ֤י שָׁ֨ם שְֽׁאֵל֪וּנוּ שׁוֹבֵ֡ינוּ דִּבְרֵי־שִׁ֭יר וְתוֹלָלֵ֣ינוּ שִׂמְחָ֑ה שִׁ֥ירוּ לָ֝֗נוּ מִשִּׁ֥יר צִיּֽוֹן׃ אֵ֗יךְ נָשִׁ֥יר אֶת־שִׁיר־יְהֹוָ֑ה עַ֝֗ל אַדְמַ֥ת נֵכָֽר׃ אִֽם־אֶשְׁכָּחֵ֥ךְ יְֽרוּשָׁלָ֗͏ִם תִּשְׁכַּ֥ח יְמִינִֽי׃ תִּדְבַּֽק־לְשׁוֹנִ֨י ׀ לְחִכִּי֮ אִם־לֹ֢א אֶ֫זְכְּרֵ֥כִי אִם־לֹ֣א אַ֭עֲלֶה אֶת־יְרוּשָׁלַ֑͏ִם עַ֝֗ל רֹ֣אשׁ שִׂמְחָתִֽי׃

[תהלים קלז]

[therealvinelle]

What are your thoughts on the titanic movie?

Oh I wanted to watch it, tried once as a child, didn't make it through, then again with @theoriginalcarnivorousmuffin, at which point I also didn't make it through.

I'm here for the ship, literally only the ship. Rose and Jack would not get off the screen and let me look at ship, and so even though I made it to the part where they impact the iceberg, I realized I couldn't sit through Jack and Rose running around the decks, no matter how true to life the models were. Watch party ended, and some time later we tried Raise the Titanic with Alec Guinness instead (a deeply silly movie where a dangerous weapon was on board the Titanic when it sank, and the Americans must find it before the Soviets do).

James Cameron's movies have a very consistent problem where he is in love with a concept, or an idea or a new bit of technology, so he makes a movie to show it off and has to put a story in there somewhere so we're watching something happened. This worked incredibly well in the two first Terminator movies, it gave us a deeply funny Aliens movie, but it did not work out for Titanic as his worst tendencies all came out to play.

I like him, as a director, I just don't like the majority of his movies, if that makes sense.

His characters are plainly good or bad with one note motivations and no nuance, and they are all consistently and painfully American, to the point where they feel like caricatures. Jake Sullivan, who is such a staple army vet that he has no personality whatsoever other than being a protagonist with the assigned traits that would make him sympathetic to as wide an audience as possible, is a terrific example of this, as are the gun-toting military crew heading to the colony in Aliens, but so too are the characters of the Titanic, only in a different way. Rose's mother and peers are what I can only describe as Victoria's parents in Corpse Bride without the satire - they are not real people, but old world aristocrats seen through the eyes of filmmakers who fundamentally don't understand class. Rose becoming infatuated with a working class boy is a very simple and straightforward matter where there is no actual reason for them not to be together, it's just that Jack gets made fun of for not knowing the right forks to use. It's just shallow.

I have more complaints, but much of the movie is luckily forgotten so I'll stick to the big one: I wish Cameron had either made this a purely fictional story that was inspired by the Titanic but without actual victims, or else gone out of his way to be respectful of the fact. Going of the wikipedia page for how historical characters were treated, Bruce Ismay being depicted as boorish and attributed decisions he never made in life so he can be at least partly blamed for the sinking. The man's life and mental health was ruined after the real sinking as the act of surviving made him a media target, Cameron could have chosen to leave his memory be and I side-eye his decision not to. The movie has First Officer Murdoch shooting passengers and then himself, I struggle to see what this added to the movie besides upsetting his surviving family.

Perhaps I'm overly strict, but even fictionalized retellings have historical import because they play a much larger role in how people remember the past than history books or documentaries do because more people see them. The film industry has immense power over how we view the past, and in turn over how history is remembered. This comes with a responsibility, and a plea for consciousness of the fact. Set your stories to whichever periods and cultures you may like: but do so knowing that no matter how much media and recorded history already exists on your chosen subject, there will be people walking away from your product whose view is now affected by your depiction.

In other words, Raise the Titanic is somehow more respectul in my eyes because while it was a very silly movie, it insulted no one's memory. And I'll be sticking to documentaries and animations when it comes to RMS Titanic-related media.

[shsl-heck]

One thing that's had me thinking about Amy lately, is the tension between disgust and desire. She is horrified by the immensity of her desire for Victoria, but the shame and guilt over it can only ever make it worse. Fear and arousal, disgust and desire, all of them bleed into each other (we see this constantly in both porn and horror). It's like she has this splinter at the core of her being and she either cant realize or wont accept that the more and more she digs for it to try to get it out, the deeper she's driving it into herself. She cannot remove this without help from someone else. (Coincidentally, not being able to recognize that her attempts to do/be what she's supposed to are only making things worse is also what leads to the Enwretchening)

I'm aware there's a reading of Worm in which Amy's attraction to Victoria is purely an expression of a kind of morality focused ocd, but I personally think that's less interesting. She definitely experiences some level of that (the urge to fuck up a baby she's healing followed by disgust with herself is like a perfect example of an intrusive thought associated with that brand of ocd), but I think this is a case of *and* rather than *or*. My reading of Amy is that of a deeply lonely and emotionally neglected child clinging to the one person in her life that gives her any form of affection, whose attachment only gets increasingly complicated as she starts to grow up and realizes she is attracted to women.

She has never been treated as part of the family, has always felt on some level that she's only playing at being a sister to Victoria, and she is dealing with that during a stage of her life that is turbulent at best for even people raised in a healthy functional environment. There is a broad cultural taboo around sex and desire, but there's a special sort of self-loathing and fear that you're somehow predatory for finding someone attractive that a lot of queer people experience due to the stigma surrounding their sexuality and/or gender. Homoeroticism and attraction is seen as disgusting and fundamentally wrong by society no matter what. It is especially disastrous for Amy because even though she's never been able to see herself as Victoria's sister, she knows she's supposed to, and that adds a whole new layer of guilt and shame to even a passing thought about Victoria being attractive.

Then she triggers. Suddenly she not only has to pretend to be Amy Dallon the well behaved unintrusive family member, she has to be Panacea, the girl who performs miracles. She doesn't even have a secret identity to fall back on for privacy because of New Wave's gimmick. Any resentment about her role, or desire to live a normal life become more proof that she is a sick, evil person; a parasite who has wormed her way into the Good and Heroic Dallon-Pelham family and is eating away at them from the inside-out.

Even as it forces her to repress more and more of herself, Panacea also offers Amy what is seemingly her only chance to be Good like her family. Healing people isn't just something she has to do in order to avoid being a terrible person, but also how she can atone for everything else that's Bad about her. Saving people is a way to try to purge herself of the desire for Victoria, and to prove that she can be a Dallon in more than name.

Like, as awful and lesbophobic as Wildbow's handling of Amy was, there is something deeply compelling and even relatable about her to me. She perfectly captures an emotional state that I've struggled (and failed) to explain as I wrote and rewrote this post. It's the hunger, the guilt, the shame, the fear, the loneliness that settles on your skin like frost as a child when you accept that there must be something wrong with you, because if there wasn't then you wouldn't have to try so hard to be good.

[crybabysunflower]

I am so fucking insane about kim yoosung. He has been my favourite mysme guy and he will always be. People who dislike him will always make me upset since i find most of them lacking compassion towards people dealing with grief and loss

But lately I find myself get very angry towards him. Especially after I played his route this April to get his Normal Ending and I happen to notice some things about him

Kim yoosung is a chronic people pleaser and that hurts my soul. It hurts me whenever I express my dislike towards some of the things he might enjoy and he decides to never touch that thing ever again...all because I said I dont like it. It hurts my soul because I dont want people to change themselves for me...and lose their individuality....I am someone who values individuality and seeing him lose himself for me is painful.

His tendency to self sacrifice and risk his life now makes me angry. My feelings towards the concept of sacrifice is very ambivalent. In my culture where women are always expected to put others before themselves I grew up feeling a sense of shame because I had been unable to do so. Yet this concept feels very toxic to me as I have watched mothers growing agitated and abusive towards their children when they dont feel like they have been "paid back" enough by them. From an early age I have learnt that self sacrifice often comes with strings attached and eventually becomes a tool of perpetuating abusive cycles.

I do believe Yoosung is not the type who would engage in hurting others for his self sacrificial tendencies- not in the way I talked about because he chose to be that way. Men are not really expected to do things Yoosung usually engages in (being a helping hand to your partner in domestic activities, cooking and putting himself and his own well being before your partners most of the time).

But it still does not stop feeling painful to me. He risks his life and loses an eye. In one bad ending he gets tortured and God knows what else happens and takes the abuse with pride. I cannot see my partner in so much pain. I dont want to be widowed within the first six months of marriage. It hurts me that he feels the need to constantly prove to deserve my love. It hurts that he will never see how much he means to me as much I mean to him. "I just wanted to protect you-" SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Going back to the point where I mentioned how he takes the abuse in his 3rd Bad Ending with a smile. Him being so vulnerable to get into abusive relationship and even being prone to tolerate abuse and romanticise the abuse he tolerates makes me so upset. The Bad Ending 1 is a clear proof of that and how much he easily forgives people who hurt him all the time albeit being well intentioned is also another proof. Zen himself says "yoosung is too nice to make jumin suffer the consequences of his actions".

This very much drives me insane. His overall tendency to neglect himself for a crumb of affection and his fear of being abandoned makes me so angry at him. It ignites an urge in me to protect this boy from every danger. Perhaps I am projecting a bit since I feel like being able to protect Yoosung or someone like him will heal my inner child (who has been failed by most adults around them).

Its past 2 am at night and I am crying over my beloved fictional boy.

[i-heart-hxh]

Do you think some people misunderstand Killua's intelligence? I've seen some people that blame him completely for the communication issues that he and Gon had during the CAA, while they excuse Gon for still being a child and his naivety, since Killua is supposed to be the smart one, and the "mature" one they expect him to be the one to fix all their issues, I believe they both have their own part to blame, but I do think some people confuses Killua's smarts, that to me is more like he knows more than Gon about how some things around the world work, and his is overall more strategic than Gon, but they also think that Killua being smart means that he also his emotional intelligence should be better than Gon's, but based on how they were raised, in my opinion, and considering their are both still kids, Gon should know more about relationships and better general understanding of how to treat people, since he was raised by a loving mother figure, where as Killua's value as person to his family has always been linked to how useful or skillful he can be to his family, and not at all about who he is as a person, the few relationships he had where his potential wasn't the most important aspect for how he was treated were cut out of his life for different reasons, like with Alluka and Canary, I think it is unfair to put the blame more on Killua or Gon about their fall out during the CAA, I just find it curious how some people think Killua should know more about relationships than Gon, when in reality they both were pretty clueless on how to deal with the traumatic experiences the went through during the CAA.

Hello!

I'm actually surprised you've seen people blaming Killua entirely for his lack of communication. I've seen plenty of people blaming Gon for what happened between them, but I've only ever seen people assigning partial blame to Killua at the most. Like you said, I don't think either should be "blamed" for what happened, after all they're both young and they were in a horrible situation that they both didn't have the emotional maturity to cope with. I do think both of their own issues and trauma contributed to what happened between them, however, and putting it on only one side or the other isn't fair.

I agree with your more general point about Killua's emotional maturity, however--I do think people sometimes look at his character and expect more from him than they should with his age and life experiences, or try to present him in a more mature light than he actually is--especially since he and Gon are the same age. He's obviously a brilliant strategist and knowledgeable about a broad range of subjects--he's undeniably very smart--but, as one might expect from his upbringing, he does lack some of the social skills we can see in Gon. He struggles to communicate his feelings directly, he tends to be distrustful of others, he can be somewhat volatile and petty, and he hides things based on his own judgment.

Having his siblings and Gotoh and Canary, etc., means he didn't completely lack in social connections, but certainly the connections he had were all massively affected by the culture and expectations in his family. He's been a victim of severe physical and emotional abuse his whole life. His character growth has been remarkable considering that, but expecting him to fix everything on his own is unreasonable.

Gon did have a stable family life by comparison, but he's still inexperienced in having close friendships with peers. He's more socially savvy than Killua (in his own unusual way), but the close bond he has with Killua is still uncharted territory for him, too.

Ultimately, I think it's important to remember how young both of these boys are and how ill-equipped they were to handle what happened to them. Going deep into territory of what they "should have done differently" or blaming them misses the point of what the series is trying to say. They were doing the best they could with their maturity levels and respective traumas and difficulties, and, in the circumstances, it just wasn't enough to prevent horrible things from happening. One of the great strengths of HxH is is that it portrays the characters in such a human and nuanced way--if they acted "perfectly" rather than as flawed human beings, it would take away so much of what makes HxH deeply moving and emotionally resonant.