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femmefatalevibe · 11 months

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Femme Fatale Guide: How To Learn To Love Yourself & Heal From Toxic People

Allow yourself to feel all your emotions and thoughts, authentically and without self-criticism or judgment: Acknowledge that you're grieving. Accept that you need to mourn your loss. Even if it is better to move on in life without these people, it is healthy and completely valid to grieve the relationships you had with these people – regardless of whether they were one-sided, deluded, or otherwise toxic. Allow yourself to cry, be angry, lie in bed, etc. Hit a pillow, sleep in all day on a weekend, or wear a set of pajamas for a WFH day. Give yourself permission to engage in self-soothing behaviors without any type of self-harm or self-sabotage.

Rest, relax, and pamper yourself in your leisure time: Spend time taking it easy – reading, watching TV, doing a face mask or another indulgent skin treatment, using a body massager, cooking dinner in a silk robe and slippers, lighting a candle, cozying up in a blanket, etc. Allow yourself to feel at peace. Create a sanctuary in your space.

Take time for introspection and self-discovery: Being in any type of relationship with toxic people is draining and can cause you to feel as though you've lost a part of yourself by trying to make the relationship succeed. Now, it's time to reclaim yourself after you've courageously cut out these toxic people from your life. Consider and honor your deepest desires, values, interests, hobbies, lifestyle, goals, aesthetic, food, sexual, entertainment preferences, etc. Go on a self-discovery journey to figure out who you really are, what you believe, and who you will work to become as you enter this new, exciting chapter of your life.

Journal, read, eat healthily, work out, drink plenty of water, and sleep: Go back to the basic healthy habits. Try to journal for at least 5-10 minutes a day (using a 5-minute journal, morning pages [writing 3 pages of stream-of-conscious thoughts first thing in the morning], journal or shadow work prompts), make 2-3 whole food, plant-based meals with carbs, veggies, fruits, proteins, and healthy fats, find some ways to incorporate movement into your day – 30-minute walk or yoga session is enough if that's all you can manage consistently, have your body weight in ounces of water daily, and sleep for around 7-8 hours a night. Do some inner child healing by taking care of your core needs.

Indulge in all of your favorites: There's a lot of fun you can have when you have total freedom regarding your daily activities and choices. Give yourself permission to enjoy this solitude. Wear your favorite outfits every day (occasion-appropriate options, of course), including pajamas, loungewear, lingerie, and accessories. Make your favorite meals and snacks throughout the week (incorporating some healthy options in there to feel your best – I love a good oatmeal bowl, frozen grapes, baked Japanese sweet potato, or a hummus and vegetable plate). Watch your favorite TV shows or movies. Indulge in a glass of wine you love or reread a favorite book. Create a masterful playlist. Plan a day of your favorite activities (a long walk, getting a coffee, indulging in a spa day, going to a farmer's market, going to a yoga class, etc.) Treat yourself like your own best friend.

Get comfortable doing things alone: Honestly, no one cares or is paying attention to if you're doing activities alone or with someone else. If someone shows too much interest in your solitude, they're probably projecting their own insecurities regarding their perceived social ridicule. Take yourself shopping, to the nail salon, out for a meal, to the movies, etc. alone. Personally, I love doing most of these things alone anyways. Running errands alone gives you some space to clear your mind and think freely.

Define what an ideal social life and/or relationship looks like for you: Once you've become comfortable with yourself and living life on your own terms, it's time to embrace your desire for human connection and socialization. Consider the types of people you want in your life – their values, personalities, interests, goals, favorite activities, relational boundaries, etc., and where/when/how often you want to interact with them.

Create an action plan: Reconnect with the people in your life who continue to show up for you and have been a light through these toxic relationships and their lasting effects over the months or years. Decide on the places, groups, and ways you'll reach out/try to meet these people. Figure out how to expand your network, and make new connections. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there. You won't vibe with everyone you meet, but it is worthwhile to engage in small talk with several strangers if even one of these new faces, later on, becomes a good friend or acquaintance. A varied social circle is a great way to enrich your life.

Take small steps, then strides: Be gentle on yourself throughout this entire process. It is perfectly okay to take one day at a time during the grieving process. Everyone's healing journey will look different and evolve at a different pace. Don't let these toxic people remain in your heart, mind, and spirit. Remember that you deserve love, kindness, happiness, success, peace, and patience.

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royalberryriku · 4 months

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Some Thoughts on the 'Writing Process'™

So I see a lot of writers struggle with these very specific things, AKA:

The Staring at the Blank Page Thing where you struggle to come up with ideas, words, etc

The Word Counting Counting where you cannot stop counting your word count

The 'Can Someone ELSE Proofread This Because I Don't Want to Read It' dilemma

The 'How Do I STOP Hating Everything I Write' issue which also leads into the 'How Do I Stop Scrapping Everything' issue

And finally the 'I DONT WANT TO WRITE I WANT TO IMAGINE IT INSTEAD' problem

There are various things that can make writing hard, but I have had some thoughts! And maybe they might just be useful.

So for Issue Number 1, I've found that, if you want to write, NEVER do it before you already have the ideas. Looking at a blank page just makes it harder. You get bored and that makes writing feel boring. Of course, this is all just my opinion, maybe this actually works for you. BUT! In my own personal experience, I find that actually LIMITING how often I open my document helps a bunch. No matter how much you wanna write, there's no point torturing yourself over how little you're doing and shaming or pressuring yourself to get it done. Punishing yourself is just gonna kill your inspiration and, obviously, you're not going to want to write if you now associate it with punishment for not writing. It's a cycle of just being mean to yourself. Well, don't wanna be unproductive? As silly and counterproductive as it sounds; self care is the answer which I've found that actually works.

This actually leads into Issue Number 2. I think these probably stem from the same issue; punishing yourself for not producing. Again, punishing yourself and shaming yourself into just staring at a blank screen or staring at how little the word count is or how much you have to go until your goal is just going to kill your inspiration and make you bored. Shaming doesn't get you to write more, or faster or suddenly become more productive. Believe it or not? Self care and making it fun is what makes a fun story come to life. You're not just writing a block of text that's a recount to sell in this capitalist hellhole (I mean you are but that doesn't mean the process has to be bound by capitalism because FUCK CAPITALISM), you're writing a story you wanna tell; focus on the story before the method and don't punish yourself for it not just magically appearing. These things take time, they take trial, error, mistakes and various drafts, but FIRST? They take those little moments where you just daydream scenes and the imagination you have to exist at all. Focus first on the story and your own health and the rest will come, slowly but surely. Anyway that was a lot of words to essentially just say; don't look at the word count, focus on the story and the length will follow regardless. It's fine to check and obviously, you'll just have to at some point. But please please try and do what you can to avoid checking, even use a different method. I use page count because it's so varied and inaccurate that it actually doesn't matter and just tricks my brain into using that to see my very general progress and makes it seem bigger than it actually is. It also can just be easier to check at a glance if I want to make sure the structure of each chapter is more or less consistent enough.

Issue Number 3 is tricky, mostly because once you've made something, it can be legitimately very boring to reread everything you JUST wrote. For me, I'm sort of chaotic in that I reread as I go or do it very randomly and rewrite as I come up with things. The good thing is though that what you write isn't set in stone. It's malleable and fluid. I always have a cut and paste section on my computer where I just... cut and page and rearrange things as I think of it. I don't worry about "oh but what if I mess up" because you're ALWAYS gonna mess up! That's actually one of the cool things about writing, you CAN mess up and go back and reread it eventually to make it work a bit better after all the other chaotic going-back-and-fixing-things. Which brings me to my main point (especially if you don't want to replicate my chaoticness) I try to leave proofreading itself as much as I can for the end of it all. As in, I just let myself write, yes rearranging and going back whenever I want, but never throwing anything OUT, never scrapping the whole document because it's gonna have bits you might reuse. And more to the point, it gives you a lose skeleton to base your next draft on. It's more work but I find it really reassuring in that you don't judge every little thing as you go, but just say "meh, fuck it!" and write whatever works, then rewrite it in a separate document all over again, never deleting the last one so you can copy and page whatever you liked from the first draft, or second, or third, and use each mistake and flaw. Recycling is good folks, even just in writing. Or... at least it is for me. If this doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, but this is just what helps me so maybe it might help you too.

This also goes into Issue Number 4. Honestly, you're never gonna not be your biggest critic. But! You can at least make your work feel a bit more positive and go in with a "eh who cares?" mindset into writing. It may not erase the "wow this is hot garbage" feeling, but it'll feel a bit more like "well this is MY hot garbage and I don't care if it's bad or good, because at least it was fun". Plus, like I said; recycling is very good. The best way to force yourself not to hate something is to get really damn used to it, AKA, never getting rid of it. Which is hard, I know. Especially if you just really freaking hate it. And, well, it's not like I'm saying you should keep absolutely every little thing, I don't want you all to get clutter and folders upon folders of stuff you won't use...buuut I am saying it helps to keep things and get comfortable in your own messiness and imperfection. It starts to feel normal at least, or for me it does, and slowly you kind of just...accept it. Also, making fun little things to enjoy your ideas away from your writing itself. If you draw? Make fanart. Maybe even make AUs in your head. Maybe make some mood boards. HYPE YOURSELF UP! Or as best you can at least, and never force things. If you aren't feeling this particular story right now? Move on to another project and yes having WIPs can be annoying but sometimes it's necessary. Again, these are all just my opinions and stuff I do when I struggle with these; I'm not commanding anyone to do anything and as always, maybe this won't work for you personally. But hey, doesn't hurt to give it a try first and see if it works, or maybe something else will. Whatever the case, this is just my own two cents.

And finally, Number 5. Honestly? This isn't so much as issue in and of itself as much as just an issue of prioritisation. Imagination is the most important part of even coming up with a story to begin with and, honestly, imagining scenes can really help build a mental image of what you want to describe and how things look and feel. One thing, a little cheat code you could say, that I've found is melding daydreaming with research. Which makes absolutely no sense since this is the most funnest part with the most boring part of writing, but hey, it works surprisingly well I assure you. So here's the setup I have; no doc (except for if I really need to jot down some notes), then images that remind me of my work (Pinterest boards maybe, a few mood boards, etc), then the research. I go between each of these; daydreaming. The result? I imagine scenes with the research I want; motifs that work with themes, imagery to use in scenes, what architecture works, what the weapons look like. Then, before I even write, I go back and still daydream WITH what I've researched and it sticks in my mind way better than even the notes I've made. Speaking of, with notes, I like to doodle in the margins of them, make them fun, highlight with fun colours. Sometimes? Research, note taking and writing doesn't have to be work in and of itself, sometimes it can be fun and a little quest of your own. Sometimes making writing and research feel like you're daydreaming can make all the difference between begrudgingly slugging through a chapter, or just having fun writing a new scene you just imagined and that starts to form into something new and exciting.

TLDR: Make writing fun! Like Mary Poppins once said; "a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down". Sometimes it's actually better to make the work into a treat instead of using a treat as a bribe or punishing yourself. In fact, making any part of the process into a punishment for not working just makes everything harder.

ALSO! Just in general, take breaks! It's easy to forget what you're doing (especially once it becomes fun) and forget to take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Too much time looking at a screen (or even just a page) can be straining! Remember to eat! Remember to drink water and sleep! Get up and walk around if you can, go to the bathroom and maybe even go for a little walk outside and get some Vitamin D if you're able to. Remember to maybe take a few days away from writing so you can come at it again with a refreshed mind and new perspective, sometimes you can get boggled down and start getting too focused on one little thing. It's good to let yourself have half an hour, an hour or even a few days to just refresh and go out and get new inspiration just from living. Sometimes the key to writing and ideas is to just stop writing for a bit and to just take a breath.

#writing #writers on tumblr #creative writing #writing community #writeblr #novel writing #writers and readers #tumblr writers #tumblr writing community #writerscommunity #writerblr #writers and poets #writing advice #long post #also some swearing oops #writing resources

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ussjellyfish · 5 months

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20 questions for fic writers

thank you, @mylittleredgirl for tagging me! Have I done this...perhaps. Will do it again! It might also be new? the questions are fun.

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

423

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

2,817,922 (hitting 3 million should be fun). I average 6661 words (ha) per fic. Which is interesting. I have 43 drabbles and 7 fics over 100,000 words so they must even out.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Once Upon a Time (though not for years). Star Trek the Next Generation, Star Trek Voyager, Star Trek Discovery. Stargate Atlantis and Agents of SHIELD. many other things, but not a lot of fics. (12 or less).

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Stray Feathers and Scales (Emma Swan/Regina Mills, Once Upon a Time) I almost listed this one as Maleficent/Regina, which it isn't..kind of is, could have been poly if I'd thought about). This fic has HUGE stats for me and I haven't reread it in years. Parts of it are really detailed though, and it's VERY me. It's all the tropes.

Lost Leaves of Autumn (Catelyn Stark/Ned Stark, Game of Thrones) This one is very soft and doesn't really belong in the GoT universe, which is so brutal, but I really love Catelyn.

Thawing Deep (Sansa Stark/Margaery Tyrell, Game of Thrones). They could have worked! I haven't read this one in ages either.

Her Majesty's Mercy (Maleficent/Regina Mills, Once Upon a Time) The best Once fic I wrote, in my opinion. I remember the fun of writing this one.

A Funny Thing Happened at a Stark Tower Gala (Melinda May/Phil Coulson, Agents of SHIELD). Maybe this got recced somewhere? Maybe AoS fandom was just big that year? It's cute and fun, and for some reason has a bunch of kudos.

(this is long)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to? If it's a fic that I'm really into I'll reply. I'm kind of giddy about comments on the ones I'm writing right now. If it's an older one that I am sentimental for I try to reply. If I'm not into it at the moment (I am kind of burnt out on Once Upon a Time, and I haven't been into Chakotay lately so I've been kind of meh on my own Janeway/Chakotay stuff). I try to, but I am fickle.

I did just have this really positive experience where I posted my chapter of Quantum Variations (which is my long Disco WIP) and the chapter was kind of a mess, but I was so happy to post it, I really didn't care) and people found things for me to fix and were really kind about it. It felt good, for a chapter with a bunch of errors.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I killed Elizabeth Weir once, but she came back, so the ending was pretty hopeful. I don't write much angst without a happy ending.

I have Janeway rather self-destructively run off with the Borg Queen but... uh...it wasn't that angsty. Dark, but she kind of wanted it.

There's probably something really angsty I'm just not thinking of, but I don't reread my really old stuff often. (some of them I honestly have no idea what the fic is about).

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

there's a really sappy SGA one where they have a bunch of kids.

Firefly (Star Trek Discovery, Philippa and...learning to have feelings). maybe? Considering how messy Philippa's feelings are, she ends up happy, and more human, and she goes on a very long journey about it.

8. Do you get hate on fic?

Not lately. I did, I have, but it's been years. Once Upon a Time fandom you were a wild ride.

I did make massive drama back in the day with Janeway/Crusher, because I really wanted to get to play with them in the fandom space I was in, but that was not the space for that.

9. Do you write smut?

Sometimes! I'm on a somewhat lazy sort of fade to feelings place at the moment. I wrote a somewhat detailed one awhile back, but it was pretty tame. The fic is good though! I really like that one. Trapped in a turbolift and then later they have sex.

Migrations and other recurring phenomena (Star Trek Discovery, Michael Burnham/Laira Rillak). Happy Birthday, madame captain...

10. Do you write crossovers?

Not often, I do have a SGA and TNG crossover where the Enterprise turns up at Atlantis, which is odd but fun, and for some reason (there's a space battle) it got outside my usual audience. I really liked the challenge of all the characters meeting each other.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I recall.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! I think a OUAT one? maybe two? It has happens but...I don't remember which fic it is.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! Jackie and I wrote two really long ones together (which were a blast). I don't think she's still on tumblr but, @shinewithalltheuntold, I love you).

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

I am really into whatever I am really into at the moment, because I get REALLY into things.

Right now it's Michael Burnham/Laira Rillak, underappreciated ship of my dreams. Michael gets to date the president of the Federation, as a treat. fun bonsu for me is that they have scenes together! and a relationship arc and that's really fun. (even if it's not romantic, it's something and I adore them, so I'll take it).

All time ever? Kathryn Janeway/Beverly Crusher, which made drama, ruined some of my fandom relationships, but really gave me something I needed.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

I have a few that I just ended, which I'm okay with. I've taken longer hiatuses than I'd like, lately. (life's just been a lot).

I have three right now. Only one is posted and I'll finish that one! (Quantum Variations on a Love Theme (Star Trek Discovery, Michael Burnham/Laira Rillak) is my favorite. It's my heart right now. It's long and it's sometimes hard to write and there's backstory and plot threads BUT I love it.

And it has it's own little following and really that's all a really long fic needs: a handful of people who read it.

The other two I need for Year of the OTP so I should get those done too. (Firefly universe crosses over into canon-adjacent universe and Michael rescues sick Laira fic).

Hopefully they all get finished. (I'm fairly certain they will. I am not answering the question well).

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue. Soft feelings. Incremental character growth. Long, slow, introspective character journeys. Friendship and found family moments. (there are some Tilly and Philippa moments I really like in Firefly, and Tilly and Laira and Tilly and Michael and...people having loving conversations is fun).

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Description. (I feel like I'm really lazy with this most of the time. They're there, you know what they look like).

Urgency. (my fics do not move quickly, or really with a lot of certainty in their direction).

Plot. (frequently feels like an afterthought so people can have feelings).

Focus? I drop plot threads, all the time.

Writing by myself is hard. I ALWAYS want to show whatever I've just done to a person and sometimes people are busy and I am so unmoored by that. (post it anyway, dammit). I adore having someone tell me it's good before I post it.Sometimes I have to post it anyway...

I also write the thing I want to write, over and over in different fandoms and with different a characters and I've written my own variations on "pregnant person goes on a journey with her feelings and grows as a person" at least 10 times.

and I'll do it again.

And I love midly sick character, which I will do again.

I feel bad and don't feel bad? It's what I want to read so I have to write it so I can read it.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I google translate, or skip around it, or switch POV so I don't have to deal with it. It's hard to do and I can usually avoid it. I use a lot of fantasy name/word generator for alien words.

It's mostly [alien name goes here] and hopefully I put something in.

I borrow words (or spelling conventions) from languages I know little pieces of (Finnish, German, Welsh) when I need to for alien things.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Star Trek the Next Generation. (Stranded, Beverly Crusher/Jean-Luc Picard, Will Riker/Deanna Troi, adorable future children who are lesbians). One of my oldest fics is ON Ao3! it is like 22 years old I think? it's a mess and I should fix the formatting but it's SO LONG... It's fine. It's there. It's really not bad for my first long fic.

It's fun to see how far I've come. I wrote that one so long ago that I wrote it under my real name on a usergroup. Then posted it on my own website that I made with html on geoctities.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Whatever I'm working on right now is usually my favorite. I have fics I am especially fond of.

Her Majesty's Mercy. (Once Upon a Time, Regina Mills/Maleficent) one of the darker things I've written for them, that has a very happy ending it's just...kind of all raw messy feelings)

When I the Starry Courses Know. (Star Trek Voyager: Kathryn Janeway/Borg Queen) very depressed Janeway gives herself up to the Borg Queen, which kind of a Faustian twist to it. It's one of the better things I've ever written).

Fedvision (the Federation does eurovision, with Beverly Crusher/Kathryn Janeway and most of Voyager and TNG at their party). Fedvision is wonderful I should write it again, because it should happen every year. (Disco needs it). This fic is full of bubbly happiness and hats and love. It's full of love.

Firefly (Star Trek Discovery: Mirror Philippa Georgiou and Michael Burnham, and feelings, and learning to trust people). I used to live in a state of angst waiting for someone to comment when I posted...this fic has chapters without any comments at all. I had never written anything this long that didn't depend on a romantic pairing, this one doesn't have one in the center. I took huge break...and came back! I didn't have a beta or an alpha and I lost friends in the time it took to write it, and it still turned out. I grew as a writer and poster with this fic.

Quantum Variations on a Love Theme (Star Trek Discovery: Michael Burnham/Laira Rillak) is my favourite right now, because it's a me fic. It's a long meandering jellyfish fic and Laira's pregnant and I love it. It's the most fun I could have. It has really good parts. (not all of them but, there are some stellar bits). Also it has some detailed world building, and that's fun. This is the me fic that owns my soul at the moment so of course it's my favourite.

I'll just have five...

Tagging @aleksandrachaev @that-one-curly-haired-chick @purlturtle, @winternightjewels @regionalpancake @galactic-pirates @jackabelle73 @holdouttrout (if you fancy it)

and you, if you feel like it, person who made it all the way to the bottom!

The questions!

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

3. What fandoms do you write for?

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

8. Do you get hate on fic?

9. Do you write smut?

10. Do you write crossovers?

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but probably won’t?

16. What are your writing strengths?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

#long post #20 questions for fic writers #about me #so much about me

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erisenyo · 4 months

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(feel like a middle schooler passing along some chain mail) Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love❤

This is so hard for me! I'm a little bit in love with everything I write, but after much debate and angst over what I'm leaving off the list, and in no particular order...

All Along You Were There (But I Missed It) - Is it a cop-out to choose an entire eight-work series? Yes. Am I doing it anyway? Also yes, because I am just so so happy with how the whole thing turned out, how each part worked on it's own and together, and it was such a blast to write

To Open Every Door to Night, To Meet Each Rising Sun - I just love how Azula came out here. Her voice was so fun to write, thinking through how she would be partway through a redemption journey without shaving off her sharp edges and personality, and her relationships with Zuko and Sokka were such a blast. And then layering in all the intrigue elements and reveals and heart to hearts and this whole thing will always have a place in my heart <3

To Cleave These Roots We've Made - The second I saw I had @bisexuallsokka for this solstice exchange I had a crystal clear vision of what this story would be, and I absolutely adore how it came out. I pushed myself a lot here to balance the tonal shifts across the timeline and keep it coherent while still building the narrative tension toward the eventual happy ending and I truly couldn't be happier with it

(With Wonder and Care) Reach for Far-Flung Dreams - This fic just flowed so beautifully from the tweet that prompted it. I had this fully formed understanding of this modern AU and all the relationship dynamics within it and exactly the emotional tone I wanted to hit, and I'm so happy with how it came out. I go back and reread it fairly frequently when I want to just feel fluffy and happy :)

Of Tea and Turtle Ducks (and the Turtle Duck Guy) - I am so in love with how like quietly emotional this fic turned out! I had the idea before I knew a single thing about ducklings and their lifecycle and I'm still blown away by how perfectly they worked as a metaphor for Zuko grappling with his childhood and with Ursa. As someone who generally leans toward wordiness (shocker lol), I love how so much of the emotional weight in this one is more restrained and subtle but still managed to land that full impact.

#asks and answers #ask game #ozais-lobotomist #Thank you so much for the tag in this it was so fun!!#Other runner ups included To Be Named To Be Known (To Be Loved) - Lessons in Asset Management -#And Part-TIme Plumber Full-Time Problem #Am I cheating by sharing that in the tags? Probably. Am I doing it anyway? You betcha

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frenchfrywrites · 11 months

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Georg, Sunny D, hiiii, yeehaw partner!! 🤠 And Musty Wail (but not really)

Ok so, I'm not really waiting for you to post something similar, because that seems rude and stress introducing. I would still follow you no matter what you post, so this is more just me rambling about some of your posts I REALLY like. Ahem.

"Pounding the characters so hard the bed breaks" this one I find SO funny, and it's so well written!! Often when I write my hcs I think back thus post and try to make it as well written and funny lol.

"Beel's favorite beverage" I'm not rhat into piss drinking but man. (Picture of horse looking at ocean). You really convinced me. It is soooo hard to find Beel smut in this Fandom, never mind sub!Beel smut, never mind AMAZINGLY WRITTEN SMUT!! I don't even have a piss kink but I would let Beel drink my piss after this.

"Holding their dick when they pee" LISTEN LISTEN TO ME. LOOK ME IN THE EYES. I. DO. NOT. HAVE. A. PISS KINK. (Or if I do I only have like, 10% of a pisskink. A pisskink with a few hard lines)

But....

Listen, this is one of my Weird Kinks that most people wouldn't even *consider* is a kink but. Taking care of a character?? Helping them out with things they don't Need help with, but doing it anyway? Either because they're your little baby or because they're too dumb to it themselves??? Amazing. 10/10. No notes. And this checks off a lot of this boxes. I just want a subby demon who can't get their own dick out of their pants to pee so they need me to do it for them.

"April showers day 6: pissing in public": I'm pretty sure I've come into your inbox and talked about this fic before, but I am doing it again. This is like, the Book of Mormon of piss kink to me, personally. You knocked on my door and showed me this fic and I was like "maybe I CAN indulge in a little piss kink". And now here I am. 3/4 posts on here containing piss kink. You're converted me. Ok but this is absolutely my favorite fic of your and I frequently go back to it. This definitely ticks off my "taking care of kink" and was probably part of the reason I realized that I hard that kink.

Anyway, you have so much cool stuff but I've felt like I've rambled on enough lol.

OHO SO MANY!

And wahhhhhhhhhh!!!! This ask is so sweet !!!!! You've got me rolling around on my bed and giggling and shit!!!

I'm so so so so so happy to hear about the posts you like so much!! Idk if u relate but i find it really easy to forget how my work has affected ppl lmao. Needless to say there's many of your posts that linger in my mind and that i go back to over an over again!! (You have so many good Lucifer fics! And ur hcs.... Devine)

Some of these posts especially surprised me! I'd no idea u liked the bed breaking post of mine! I went back and reread it bc it's sooo old and i was like damn u know what this is kinda silly. What an oldie tho like wow that sent me back hfhsjskajs!

And omg yes on the kink of taking care of people!!!!! Idk that's just so much fun and I'm sure it's glaringly obvious that i love it, but yes yes taking care of ppl to the extreme is so good!!!! (Looks hard at your bathing HCS and sighs dreamily)

Oh! And u should embrace ur piss kink!! 😇💖 Even if u have hard limits surrounding it, liking piss even a little bit is awesome and sexy and so much fun!! And I'm so happy u like so many of my piss fics 🫂💖 sometimes my fics are just so self indulgent that again i forget that other ppl would like them lol

Ahh this ask is just so nice i could cry really really thank u so much 💖 ‼️

#re: hiii.. i know you!! it doesnt have to be parasocial.. it can just be social 💖🫂#gosh im gonna have to save this ask somewhere #so when im feelin so so bad abt my writing and or feelin unappreciated i can look n be like. im doin it for you!!!#ask game #obey-me-headquarters

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sostrangerous · 9 months

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Sooo... I've been talking to my friends about your fanfic and we've been wondering where do you get your inspiration from? I mean, where did the idea for this fanfic come from and if anything about it is kind of... personal? If you don't feel comfortable answering, don't feel pressured! I'm just very addicted to it, I've reread everything about 5 times 😭

ooh i love this question!! im gonna be kinda long winded here so sorry in advance 🙏🏼

ive been a big reader since i was a child, and ive been writing fanfiction since i was 13 or so. this basically means ive been practicing writing stories for at least 10 years, and I've gotten slowly better at it as I get older. it's fun, and i like doing it, so that's kind of the reason I write in the first place

my fics usually come together from a small idea, and then snowball from there. like, fyck started as silly self indulgent porn and then turned into what it is, because for me i really discover characters and stories as im writing them. when i write i feel like im 'meeting' them and learning more about them. for example mark is the catalyst for fyck and its built around him, as I develop his character and his life the story molds around him

it's probably obvious from the way im talking about them, but even though i write rpf, my characters are 100% fictional characters, and I think about them that way. i get some inspiration from Mark as a real person but the character comes from my imagination and things I think would be interesting to write avout

I like writing about things that are stressful and upsetting, i think in part bc im kind of a narrative adrenaline junkie. if im not feeling emotions intensely, usually negative emotions, then im not interested in writing because it's boring to me. however im still very invested in characters being happy at the end. it's kind of a form of self soothing; i make up a guy, i put him through hell, but throughout his suffering the anchor of stability and happiness is always there waiting for him (even if he doesn't know it yet). i admire people who can write really bleak or bittersweet endings but i personally don't care to, at least so far in my writing career

anyway!! yes, writing characters is fun, and they're very separate from me. Mark in fyck, or jaemin in igbl have mindsets that are not mine, and are extremely maladaptive. it's fun to explore. however there are always little moments that reflect my own experiences in life (they're often the most stressful to write lol) but usually i don't even realize how much i relate to a certain emotion until I'm already writing it. im pretty self aware but not self omniscient

hopefully, this was interesting and kind of answered your question :) ty for the ask <3

#ask

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daryfromthefuture · 9 months

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fic author self rec

tagged by @bg-sparrow!! thank you :D

also this was like FOREVER ago and then i forgot about it so apologies for the delay hfdjsfgdhjfasj

share five favorites of your own work, then tag five fic authors to do the same - okay, let's go

Until Get Home

When the train plot goes horribly wrong, Marty McFly and Doc Brown are stranded in 1885. How will they manage to adapt to a time so foreign to their own? Will they be able to preserve the space-time-continuum? And, most importantly: How will their adventures in the past impact their relationship?

you know this HAD to be the number one. i cannot pour my life and soul into a 100K word fanfic and not have it be my number one LMAO. but seriously, this fanfic means a lot to me. it helped me get through my first months in a foreign country, connected me with awesome friends and had me gain a massive appreciation for bttf part 3 (i love that part even more than i already have and watching it reminds me of this fic). i am also proud that this story carries some valuable messages and developes doc and marty even more. it was wonderful writing this, and it's also my first major story i finished. this is a love letter to bttf and bttf 3 in particular in form of a...well, book.

2. Most People Were Silent

Marty McFly had been stranded in the 1940s for a year, living with the younger version of his best friend, Emmett Brown. When Doc unexpectedly gets invited to join a secret scientific project, Marty and Emmett move to a small town in New Mexico. After meeting various new people and making his own acquaintaces while Doc works, Marty learns how vital it is to stay quiet - for the sake of everyone's safety. But not everyone has the same view...

is it wrong to put a not-yet-finished work on this list? maybe, but i, quite frankly, do not care because i adore this story. it had me come up with silly little ocs and throws me into a setting that interests me (i am a major history nerd and a way to connect it with my favorite character? YES PLEASE). and just wait until you see what happens next - you will definitely get why this is on second place >:)

on a side note, this universe is getting an expansion and becoming a trilogy, which i have titled "the trinity trilogy". writing this will kill me but i am so ready

3. In The Shadow Of The Mushroom Cloud

this fic doesnt have a summary, but it's my part of the "Stuck Through Time(lines)" - collab project we did in the discord server! once again a manhattan project doc fic with a different basic concept than my main one. this one was SO fun to write. i poured out those 12k words in like five days. i want that kind of motivation back, please. also i get to do what bob gale only dreams of and blow up the delorean

please also read the other contributions to this challenge!! all of the authors are so talented and i love their work :D

4. Winter of '84

Doc takes Marty to the doctor when Marty comes down with the flu.

i love me a good bttf prequel fic, and sickfic is one of my favorite tropes, so i was super shocked when i found out that the bttf fandom had like. zero of those. before winter of '84, there was november, but that's a post-trilogy fic, so it doesn't count lol. i'm proud of this one because it's just a cute piece of slice of life fluff, and i think it captures doc and marty's friendship super well.

5. Double Visions

Marty and Doc return from 1931, but Doc doesn't know half of the story.

a bttf: the game fic holy shit

i had wanted to write something of this kind ever since i first played the game in february 2021. as you can see, it only took me like, two years, but i did it! and i think it's great in the way that it covers everything i had in mind for this scene while not stretching itself. i loved writing the dialogue and emotional stuff for this story and like rereading it occasionally :)

i would like to tag...everyone who hasn't been tagged before. i have lost track.

thanks for the ask bg!!

#back to the future #bttf #bttf fic #i cannot believe i have 54 fics on ao3 #and literally all of them are bttf #and yet it was so hard to find the ones id consider faves #am i good at writing? who knows #am i having fun? hell yeah i could do this for the rest of my life #i wanna become a screenwriter actually :) i have started messing with a screenplay for another silly project im doing and im having a blast #doc and marty #doc brown #marty mcfly

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uniquezombiedestiny · 11 months

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HI HI!!! 🧅 🥕 for bella and 🥭 🍋 for vera?

literally rubbed my hands together deviously when i saw this ask

for bella:

🧅 [ONION] What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows of this information?

death and loss. especially if theres nothing to be done. permanent loss just hits, probably because of how many people both died and just disappeared in t589, plus just suddenly losing her family then the c127 guys. and ofc its just sad in general - suffering in general hurts her heart even as a longtime l corp agent

owen probably knows that tbh since they stayed pretty close to eachother throughout t589, but whenever shes emotional she tends to hide it. most people dont know and she wants to keep it that way

tbh bella cries kinda.. easily? subconsciously? she tends to cry but not realize it, like in the laundry room. as a kid she ended up seeing a lot of death and loneliness in t589, and the first instinct of crying kinda just cemented itself there.

as captain though (and as she grew up) she a) started going into like. serious mode to deal with shit (ex. when she used pink the in the shelter) and b) purposefully kept her emotions in check more. but when shes alone they just spring back up (more examples. bc i like to point out things in my writing :3 after The Safety Incident with lunas, laundry room ofc, and after the pink and shelter thing*)

*unrelated fun fact: in cc after that i wanted to imply she felt sick and vomited, but rereading it can also be interpreted as self harming :3 <- evil

🥕 [CARROT] How tough is your OC against certain situations? How weak are they against others?

when it comes to stressful situations, especially in combat/trying to protect others, she acts more serious and walled off. but in the aftermath her walls tend to crumble

for sillier situations though. she is not immune to the silly. she can resist it but eventually she will cave. put her with ppodae for long enough and she will exit containment with him /hj

for vera:

🥭 [MANGO] What colours best represent them and why? Does this differ from their favourites?

red!!!! warmer colors represent her well, which are also her favorite colors :) i think shed like the primary ones, plus cyan purple and pink. she loves pleasant gradients.

color meanings :3 from this page

red - passion, excitement, love, but also danger and anger. orange - creativity, warmth, happiness. this one doesnt have any negative meanings lmao. also grabs attention like red! yellow - optimism and cheer, but also intellect and caution. + alarm and sickness (i can totally see this in some art based around the negative meanings where theres just. a blaringly bright yellow background)

shes very passionate and happy, but also impulsive and dangerous, both to herself and others. like super red. on the inside though she is more mellow and intelligent than she acts, yellow and orange.

all the colors grab attention like i said, and yeah she likes to do that. she wants to appeal to everyone and make them all happy :)

🍋 [LEMON] What is their kryptonite/ultimate weakness?

she takes on more than she can handle. in her own story she focuses so hard on dealing with the timeloop entirely alone that she goes out of her mind with stress. even in more mundane things shell try and go alone, which ig shows a side of her i havent looked into much.

for all of her friendliness she doesnt really trust people as much as she lets on. she doesnt expect them to come save her. she tries to be their friend and appeal to them but assumes that they only see her friendship as something passing or fickle.

everything i said about her applies to dnd vera as well! she also tries to be everyones friend and like a beacon of warmth, but thinks they dont care as much as they do. she revels in the communities she finds as she travels, cementing the temporariness of it all in her mind. and so, she takes it all on alone, and when she fails she can only fall back on herself.

shes assuming the party is going to abandon her soon since she practically almost killed them (and herself!) - mostly from her past, but also from the views of friendship shes made in her mind. like cutting off a deal because she couldnt uphold it. (also on that note i couldnt see through the fog of angst </3 she wont be mad at them for coming back!!! more just. surprised and happy, but assuming it isnt gonna last.)

#dnd!vera #vera #bella #lc ocs #owen #<- mentioned #thank you for the ask!!!!!#asks #simikae #I LOVE MY OCS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i love these paragraphs. cherishes them #sides of my ocs i havent looked into much yet but im glad i did #it feels so natural writing it all too :3 #i cant say i like one part more than the other but i do love all the examples i can give!!!!!!!#also feel free to send questions again btw. for any ask game #ill answer the same thing 200 times o7 #and also i wanna talk about dnd vera.............. rrrrragh. rattles the bars of my cage.

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eyes-talks-ocs · 2 years

Text

Tagged by @winterandwords !!!

Thank you for the tag. (And people please go check them out, since I created my writing blog I feel like I've been the lost shy puppy following them around haha. I love their blog so much 🖤)

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FIVE THINGS I NEVER TIRE OF WRITING!

Rules: list five things you never get tired of writing. It can be anything, tropes, character situations, themes - whatever brings you joy.

(let me know all of your secret self indulgence, haha).

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No.1: Contradictions.

My favorite characters I have, are nothing but a bucket of contradictions. Macaw, he's the brute with a nasty reputation and a sour attitude that will put you in the ground for looking at him wrong. But - he's gentle. He'll go out of his way to help or comfort random strangers or be a listening ear for someone. Just don't preemptently judge him before he speaks or initiates an interaction. That will determine how he treats you. Lucan, my DnD child. A genuinely kind and friendly guy who wants nothing more than to make the people around him happy. He's carefree and always in good spirits - yeah he's deeply traumatized with anxiety and guilt chewing at him in every silent moment he has. Before running into the current party he's traveling with, he was an honored member of a cult and by his hands, countless people were sacrificed to his gods. In any moment it's called for, he has no problem being brutal and unusually cruel to the point he scares himself by his own actions because he enjoys letting his frustration out a little too much.

No.2: I'll bring you down with me *insert crazy eyes*

Also a trait both Macaw and Lucan share. Just. A complete stupid disregard for their own life? I don't know what to call it. Both of them so jaded with their own actions of the past that it's led to both of them being reckless with no self preservation left to care. Will sink a ship with them on it just to make a point. Will burn a building to the ground with them in it just to watch their enemies burn with them. Fuck around, find out because I am no longer afraid of death and some days I welcome it. Definitely - hurt me so I can feel alive or else I'll do it myself.

No. 3: Symbolism, Symbolism, Symbolism.

Uff. Especially animal symbolism. But everything from the landscape to phrases, to little Easter eggs for myself when I go back through to reread things. It won't bother me if no one else picks up on them. I know they're there and what they mean. My mind works in weird ways and makes strange connections between things and you bet your sweet bippy it's littered throughout all the writing and art I create.

No. 4: Tragic Backstory.

I think that's enough said. I just. It just happens. I create characters just so I can hurt them I guess. Even the ones I make that WEREN'T supposed to be tragic somehow get a little bit of traumatic spice thrown in there. I mean. Look at Lucan. My goal wasn't to have a sad backstory player character. But a happy go lucky adventurer. Well after rolling stats and all that fun stuff I made a backstory that would fit his stats and abilities. Somehow that led to being a cult runaway? Now as the campaign has progressed more and more dark details have been added to his backstory to incorporate and fit into the DM's main storyline. But hey at least he's still a ball of sunshine to be around! (And my DM loves my character's story and every opportunity he gets, he goes ahead and throws a curve ball just to emotionally hurt my character too haha. Like the last one was a small fight with a Kenku and he used my DEAD FATHER'S VOICE to taunt me. Fuck that was something I wasn't expecting the DM to pull. I loved it.)

No. 5: EVERYONE IS BI.

Self projection. I know. I gotta keep reminding myself that not everybody is attracted to everybody. Ha. But reasoning for why basically all my characters are when I try to justify it ranges from: "This is DnD, how could anyone possibly be just straight?" to the dramatic "he's never been treated with compassion or has felt a soft loving touch. He'll bond with anyone who's willing to give him that." and everything in between.

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This tag is open to whoever wants to do it!!

#eyes talks #oc #social throwaways #dnd #dustin #lucan #original character #writing #original writing #writing tag #writblr #writing tropes #tag game

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bellshazes · 1 year

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I just sent an ask for the writers game but it gave me an error message so I'm just going to do it again

anyways I was curious about 27, 32, 46, 49 but feel free to pick and choose if that's too many

Also ps I'm living for your fic directors commentary I love getting that type of background info so it's much appreciated!!

have a great day <3

27. Favourite line/scene

of actually published fic... all of cleo's POV in chapter six of do it again is really dear to me. I almost cut the handholding but this part in particular was too important to lose:

She lets go of his hand so she can flip it over, palm face up on his knee, tracing his lifeline with one fingernail. "Do you really think I'm out for your blood, too?" she asks as her index finger comes to rest at the base of his wrist, feeling his pulse. "Are you waiting for an opening to attack me? Because I promise you won't find one. We keep making the choice to care about each other, and unless you stop choosing that, this won’t change. That’s what makes it familiar."

DIA is about a lot of things but this part is about choosing to let yourself be vulnerable and hoping that vulnerability is reciprocated. choosing something doomed because it's familiar and loved and worth doing anyway. i also posted it post-Double Life, so there's a lot of that hanging over here; cleo's loyalty is earned and maintained through active, continuous choices to care... and bdubs' is not, and so we get "I've never lied to you" later in canon.

oh but also later in c6, etho's "he knows i care, he does" and the subsequent dream description is still good: "With all the confidence of dream logic he knew that ghosts were real there and had been real before, although what that meant precisely he didn’t know either awake or asleep - only that whatever he was working toward, he had better hurry there. Someone was waiting for him on the other side of a dream."

32. Most difficult character to write

I basically don't write characters I can't pin down a voice for LMAO. that's why all my fic is constrained really heavily in terms of the cast; even pulling in Ren briefly in DIA, I leaned super heavily on stealing canon dialogue. writing joe's voicemails and skizz's interactions with scar were (and are, in the latter case) difficult but fun.

weirdly i've been struggling a lot with writing etho for distant stations. i think beyond voice i have to know what a character wants, both in their personal case and what that want does in the larger context of the story. there's gotta be a movement! unfulfilled wishes! striving! no idea what to do with a guy who's doing fine and content without any structural need to depict it.

46. Do you reread your own stories?

compulsively, unfortunately. memory's images once they are fixed in words are erased, some bitch* once said. i find that rereading too close to after posting makes it strange and alien to me, which both helps and hurts writing. but i do like periodically coming back to old clamp fic i wrote too - there are some parts of the SGGK au and things like the boathouse storm scene in easy to love that i'm still proud of over five years later.

49. Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?

hokuto sumeragi i am free on thursday night if you would like to hang out i am free on thursday night when i am free to hang out etc. jk you mean this fandom? i don't think about this kind of thing much but i guess if i lived in minecraft i would have to say cleo. i feel like that's pretty self explanatory

#peter answers #ask game #peter writes #long post #and that bitch's name? was marco polo #i also know myself well enough that people i love watching would probably grate on me in certain ways if we directly interacted.#so that rules quite a bit out. for silly reasons #oh and thank you re: the commentary!!!#i do reread my own shit all the time and think abt what i did well or could do better so glad to hear it's fun to read

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femmefatalevibe · 11 months

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Could you please give us some types for the initial stage of being alone because you have cut all of the toxic people around you?

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spaceyflowerswriting · 1 year

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Not a request just a question out of curiosity. How did you feel when you first started out writing fanfics for a particular fandom? Have you always been passionate about writing? What is your method to know a character better so as to make your works seem close to their original personality?

I love your works, they genuinely make my day and would love to write for lookism one day as well and you're my biggest inspiration ❤️ hope you have a wonderful day :)

[Don't have to reply if you don't feel like it]

i got REALLY wordy so things are under a cut!

anyways can i just say this is such a sweet message 😭😭💓💕💓💕💞💖💞💕💓💖💞💘

thank u so much for sending this ask !! it always means the world to me when ppl express care and curiosity about other's creativity journeys :'] 💖

this goes for u, too, anon; if ur comfortable sharing, i'd love to hear ur own answers to ur questions! <33

how did you feel when you first started out writing fanfics for a particular fandom?

i started when i was around 9 and was very excited to share so thats what i did :] but over time i grew insecure and felt my old stuff was stupid lmao so i deleted it all off the web and then writing became a private thing for me for a very, very long time (writing like 40k, 38 chapters worth of stuff just for me 😭). i've wanted to share during my last few fandoms but never got the courage to until i got into lookism/viral hit !

(well, actually, i did share some writing during my "obey me!" phase but it was just text convos lol)

naturally, i was nervous putting my writing out in the world again esp bc the last time i did was when i like 11-12, and i was 16 when i wanted go public with my writing again 😔 im very glad i pushed myself to tho, bc its basically been a year now and i've had a blast!

i never imagined so many people would like my silly writing, enough to send in requests T_T 💕💖

have you always been passionate about writing?

kind of,,? i really only got into it because of fanfiction lol but i did consider becoming an author for like. a week of my life sjdhwhdj so really it's just a hobby i do since im the walking definition of "speaks little but thinks a lot"

gotta put thoughts down somewhere yknow? and at the end of the day, writing to me is just what art is to me; it's for fun and to express myself. sure, i wanna get better at both, but if my stuff turns out "objectively" bad, at least i know i had fun with it :'D

(that's my philosophy with art in general; make "bad" art!! have fun!!! enjoy life!!! i hate comparison/competitive things!!!! lets all just have a nice time being kind to each other!!!!!)

creative writing is very cool tho and i have a bunch of ocs i'd love to write stories for, but the artist in me is saying i want to do them webtoon style ;_;

what is your method to know a character better so as to make your works seem close to their original personality?

going to be honest, im not the best person to ask for this 😭 im the world's most casual writer and i take my "just have fun with ur art" thing very seriously;;

i.e. i just keep note of how a character acts throughout a story, characterize them along the way, and then use that as my base for any writing i do of them 😭

um. i also (re)read fandomwiki pages of them, if any, to double check for stuff 😭😭😭 occasionally i rewatch/reread moments of them in their stories when i want to look for something specific but otherwise it's just me going "hm would this character do this?", comparing it to my base, and reacting accordingly!

other times i straight up go "yeah they probably wouldnt do this BUT it would be cute so im going to do it 😍"

so, if nothing works, just let urself be self indulgent <3 unless u do want to take ur writing more seriously than i do, then uh yeah it would be much better for u to look up advice from people who take their writing more seriously ^_^"

final notes

thank u for liking my stuff, im very happy to hear they make ur day ;__; 💖💕💓💞 plus saying im ur biggest inspiration too is so,, ueueuueu,,,, ;;__;; 💞💘💞💞💘💕💖💘

i really hope u get around to writing for lookism or any other fandoms/original works!!! i wish u the absolute best with you and your writing journey, and feel free to tag/dm me with anything u write!! i'd be happy to support :]

hope you're having a wonderful day, too 💖💖

#answers

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hikari-ni-naritai · 2 years

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Well damn.. I respect your marianne takes but thats pretty brutal.. Checked out their supports and like, C is okay, A is pretty cute! but B is really nasty weird like what??? Just straight up degrading Marianne and guilting her about it too, which to me is odd cause Hilda's usually less demeaning! I know getting people to do your work for you is kinda shitty, but most of her supports end with her balancing out a bit, or doing things back for people, but with Marianne it's only in the A support you get something resembling a connection!It's annoying, cause Marianne isn't stupid enough to not realize what Hilda is doing, especially during C and A when she almost admits she's being manipulative, I get that Marianne is a very meek person, but I dont get how she doesn't talk about it at all during the A support. They really should've left out the B support and wrote something about Marianne trying to stay away from Hilda cause she doesn't want to deal with the mind games or something? With Hilda doing some damn reflecting, which she can and does do! I feel their relationship is usually fun, but that B support is just gross! Almost everyone else she tries to manipulate like that either sees through her or calls her on it, and she sometimes admits what she's doing isn't good even if it is to try and avoid having people expect something of her, and either takes a bit more responsibility (Cyril, Mercedes, Lorenz) or tries to compense somehow (Ignatz, Annette, also Mercedes)! And usually if she manipulates "too well" she feels guilty and tries to fix it, but suddenly she's completely fine guilting Marianne into the ground. It's inconsistent! I'm not trying to change your mind about it, maybe subconsciously, sorry. It just makes me sad to see you hate the pairing that much, even if it makes hella sense cause that B support is that garbage. 3 houses' writing is. frustrating, in the worst way... On the one hand you've got great, flawed but lovable characters with interesting dynamics, but then they make Hilda, who's supposed to be a bit of a manipulative asshole with a good heart just. a manipulative scumbag with no qualms about destroying Marianne's self worth some more. Supports with Caspar or Cyril or even Byleth aren't like that! I wanna love Hilda and think, in most content, e.g. heroes or warriors or fics or art, that she and Marianne are a really cute couple that can bring the best from each other, with Marianne making Hilda take a bit more responsibility and Hilda making Marianne a bit more confident in her own worth/rights. It makes me so sad!!!! Jesus christ this is fucking essay I'm so sorry. I'm still gonna send it cause I wonder what you think and value your opinions a lot, but this can't be interesting so I get if you don't wanna fuckin bother. I wanna enjoy the pairing but that can be difficult, so I guess that's why I spewed this much text at you, sorry again 😔

im not gonna reread the supports but if you think only B is fucked up then i am worried about you anon. B might be particularly bad but they are all following the exact same plot of 'hilda convinces marianne she sucks shit and needs more practice, so she can push off all her work on her', which like. yes its manipulative and shitty and awful. but the real issue is the constant fucking 'damn marianne youre basically the worst you suck' i dont CARE about her reason, thats not something you should ever say to someone who is seriously fucking depressed.

as always though anon. i dont give a fuck which anime characters you like. youre more than welcome to toss the whole 3h script into the bin if it makes you feel comfortable liking hilda more. theres no rules and you are only binding yourself.

i am done talking about marihilda though, for the day. so i will probably not answer if you send another ask about them. dont let people on the internet dictate who you can and cant like. love u <3

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xiaq · 3 years

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Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

#purity culture #sex talk #christianity #sex and relationships #sex and religion #mylife #answered asks #aspec #cw sex

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copias-thrall · 3 years

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How would Mary goore react to hurting someone he genuinely cares about? I absolutely Love your writing!💕

Hello, nonny! Thank you, I love this ask!

This was going to be alist, but it got away from me! 😅

Enjoy 😘

It wasn’t anything big.

Just a few of Mary’s favorite beers (the craft kind—not the shitty beer he drank on his shoestring budget), some of that chronic shit you’d scored and have been saving for a special occasion, and a VHS box set of horror movie classics.

***

Mary comes in and out of your life at will, and that was something you accepted—knowing he was As Is or not at all. And honestly—no, really—you liked that. You had your own shit going on, and being Mary’s expected caregiver was NOT something you wanted to add to that list.

(If someone else wanted to try to tame him and pick up after him, well…kudos to them. Less work for you.)

Mary showed up on your pivotal days and he rubbed your feet and always invited you out to trivia. You'd held him when he was coming down from a bad trip and listened to his grievances and gave him a place to stay when he was persona non grata at his own. And in a way, that made you always feel like #1 in Mary’s world…and that was good enough for you.

***

A few months ago, Mary had been lying on your couch, picking the label off his beer bottle.

“I’m gonna be away for a bit,” he’d said.

“Oh?” you’d responded as you’d mashed the controls on your gaming controller.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ll be around…but I got some shit going on.”

You’d paused your game.

“Bad shit?”

He’d waved you off.

“Neg. Just tryna get myself out there. Signed up for open mics and shit.”

He’d shifted, his long legs receding from around you and folding under him.

“So, like…I got my job at the bowling alley…but nights and weekends are kinda shot.”

You’d tried not to let the disappointment show on your face. You supported Mary’s dreams, and that meant not making an issue that he was finally trying to do something about them.

This wasn’t against you. It was for him.

When you’d taken too long to respond, his face had scrunched.

“But if you want—”

“It’s fine, Mare,” you’d said as you’d made yourself smile. “This is important to you, so it’s important to me.”

You’d unpaused your game.

“Just don’t expect me to not beat this game without you.”

He’d grabbed the controller out of your hands with a snarl, causing you to cry out when you died.

“Fuck the game.” His hand had fisted your shirt. “Give me a night to remember.”

You had. Twice.

***

Mary had texted you occasionally over the next few weeks—a few memes, a few drunken key-smashes, a dick pic, and 2 grainy videos of his performances for critique—but such contact was sporadic, and you’d never seen him in real-time.

He’d blown in one night, five weeks in, with a box of pizza just as you'd been heading out to meet your crew. When you’d told him you’d made plans, he’d looked so crestfallen that you’d caved and canceled on them.

While he’d been there, he’d given you a date in 3 weeks.

“That Saturday I have nowhere to be,” he’d said as he’d chewed. “I can spend the whole day with you.”

You’d been careful not to seem too eager.

“Oh yeah? Should I plan shit?”

He’d crammed the whole crust into his mouth and had given you a doughy grin.

“Why ’’ya think I told you?”

You didn’t know what you’d expected, but when he’d had to bounce 90min later, you were still surprised. (That was hardly enough time to digest!)

“Sorry,” he’d winced. “I gotta be on a bus in 45min.”

He’d left, and you’d been too embarrassed to join your friends who were only just going to the second bar.

Having fun with your man ;) ? one of your friends had texted.

What do you think? You’d texted back before changing into your pjs and turning on Netflix.

***

So maybe you were low-key excited about your day with Mary.

Perhaps you’d spent those 3 weeks figuring out the perfect date—something that said, “I missed you,” without saying “But in a clingy way.”

Beer and horror were two things the both of you were totally into, and you knew he’d be exhausted, so it seemed perfect. You’d bought the boxed set off of eBay and splurged for expedited shipping; you’d borrowed your brother’s old dual TV/VCR from his college days; and you’d forgone your weekly Chinese takeout for the craft beer funds. (And if things got steamy, well…even better.)

***

A few days before The Date, you’d run into Mary on the bus. You were coming home from a shift, and he was going to his.

He’d brightened and waved you over—as if you weren’t already on your way—and you’d plopped down beside him with a tired grin. You’d told him of the latest entitled asshole, and he’d showed you another clip of him on guitar.

Before your stop had come up, you’d tentatively placed your hand over his.

“We still on for Saturday?”

He’d blinked at you a few moments before grinning.

“Yeah.”

“Should I plan a whole day for us, then?”

His arm had crept around your shoulders before pulling you into him to kiss your temple.

“Yeah, why not.”

***

That morning, you wake up happy.

Mary will be over soon.

You roll over and grab your phone.

When should I expect you? :-*

It takes him an hour to respond. You aren’t surprised—Mary isn’t known for being a morning person—so when your phone dings, you grab it up excitedly.

An excitement that dies when you read his text. And reread. And re-reread.

not 2day

goin upste 2 show

You blink.

What show? Didn’t we confirm?

yeah. got me thinkin

why no show?

so i chked

i missed one

gotta do it

Rage blooms hot, then cold behind your eyes and down your cheeks.

But you said we had the whole day. I made plans.

save em

ths is impt 2 me

We’ve had this planned for weeks.

i thot u suprted me

on a bus cnt tlk

You send a few more irate texts, but he doesn’t respond, and you toss your phone across the room with a shout of frustration. You scrub the hot tears from your eyes before they can fall.

And…on paper, Mary isn’t wrong. Nothing you had planned won’t keep: movies, beer, takeout.

But…

It gives you a stark look at what you mean to Mary. He gave you this date and confirmed it. He knew you were making plans.

How long was he going to wait to tell you he wasn’t even in the city anymore?

You fight the urge to kick the VHS tapes across the floor, but you open the fridge and grab a beer. If Queen Elizabeth could have beer for breakfast, then it was good enough for you.

Once you’ve downed all eight, you move on to the jug of vodka you keep for cleaning.

When you empty only liquid from your stomach into the toilet, you grab your frozen fries out of the freezer. You roll a handful of the cold ones in your mouth as you wait for the others to crisp in the oven, and once you’ve consumed the cooked ones, you go right back to the vodka.

***

Opening your eyes the next morning is a mistake, so you take a few deep breaths and go back to sleep.

When you wake again, your heart is fluttering, your stomach turns, and it feels like there’s an ice pick behind one eye. Shuffling slowly, you make your way out to your kitchen where you take some painkillers, drink some pickle juice, and eat two slices of plain bread.

The sense that you did something awful stays with you, but you’re in no condition to find your phone and see what you’ve done. Instead, you go back to bed. It takes more deep breathing to settle yourself, but once you do fall asleep, you’re out for hours.

You don’t feel amazing when you swim to consciousness again, but you feel at least like a human being.

Your phone is dead when you find it under the sink, and waiting the 5 or so minutes for it to charge feels like waiting to face the executioner.

It’s both better and worse than you expected.

You breathe a sigh of relief to see that there are no vague social media posts, and you didn’t drunk dial any of your friends, but…

The texts to and from Mary are ugly.

Apparently, you’d managed not to send him angry texts until he’d sent you another clip of his performing. But then the floodgates had opened.

You’d started with telling him you didn’t give a shit about the show, how he was an inconsiderate ass, and then you'd devolved into incomprehensible, typo-ridden texts that accused him of using you, that you were only something to do when he didn’t have anything better to do, that he was an entitled man-child and if he didn’t apologize, you were done.

Mary’s texts in response range from him being angry at your disregard, to heated retorts you were blowing this out of proportion (and he didn’t appreciate your “ad hominem” attacks), to a cool detachment that this wasn’t working over text and he’d finish this in person.

You put your head in your hands but are too dehydrated to cry.

***

Mary doesn’t text you again during his self-imposed time frame.

You don’t text him either, but that’s more out of self-preservation than pride. There’s no point exacerbating the situation…and you’re pretty sure there’s no coming back from this, so why speed up the inevitable?

The horror tapes taunt you every time you walk by them, and you wonder if you can return them (you can’t). You give the TV back to your brother, and when he asks you how it went, you plaster a smile on your face and say, “Great!” with forced enthusiasm you hope comes across as genuine.

The primo weed goes over to your friend’s house, and the two of you wax poetic all night about existential claptrap as you devour two cheese pizzas and a bag of bbq chips. You talk about Mary without talking about Mary, and you get a heartfelt, “Sorry, dude.”

You beat the video game anyway, but it’s mostly because you needed something to occupy your mind and less out of spite (though that’s there as well).

***

Despite waiting on tenterhooks to hear anything from Mary, you truly don’t really expect to. You know you’d been atrocious, even if it had been prompted by his careless disregard, and you know Mary isn’t really the kind of guy that troubles himself with relationships that are hard.

Not that you’re in a relationship.

So when there’s a knock on your door a week later and Mary’s behind it, you’re genuinely surprised.

You gape through the peephole in shock.

“Fuck. If you’re there, just let me in, ok?”

Fumbling with the chain, you unlock the door and crack it open.

“Mary?”

“You gonna let me in?” he rasps.

You shrug and step away from the door, and he shuffles inside. He looks around like you’ve changed anything (you haven’t), before turning around to face you.

You close the door and stare back.

He folds his arms. “Breaking up with someone over text is tacky.”

What you think is, So you’ve come to do it in person, but what you say is, “Can’t break up if you’re not together.”

He winces and runs his fingers through his hair.

“Yeah…apparently I’ve ‘taken advantage' of you.”

This…isn’t what you’re expecting.

“I…what?”

“Can we sit down?”

You nod, and Mary sits rigidly on the edge of your couch. You curl up in the chair on the opposite side.

He rubs his palms down his greasy jeans before he speaks.

“I mean…you pissed me off, ok?”

You nod.

“But, like—you weren’t wrong, ok? I kinda knew that deep down, but I’m a dumbass, you know?”

You don’t nod.

“And I kinda bitched about the whole thing…but the resounding response was that I was the asshole.”

He angles his body toward you.

“I guess I’ve kinda been treating you like my best friend that I fuck sometimes.”

Your entire face flushes—you’d always thought you’d maybe ranked a little higher than that—and you duck your head so he can’t see the tears that you blink back.

There’s a swish of fabric, and you startle hard when Mary’s hand is at your chin. He jerks back with a Sorry.

“Shit—that’s not what I…” he blows out a breath and puts his hands behind his head before looking back up at you.

“But you aren’t, and…fuck this is harder than I thought.”

So this is it.

Waiting for him to do the deed is clearly going to be excruciating, so you take charge of this whole shit-show.

“I understand,” you say flatly.

“You do?”

“It’s ok, Mare-Mary. It’s my own fault for reading too much into it. I just…I saw what I wanted to see, I guess. I know you don’t need…” you look down into your lap, “…my shit in your life.

He makes a noise low in his throat, and then he’s squatting in front of you, his hot hands planting on your knees.

“But I want your shit in my life.”

You squint your eyes at him.

“But what I said…”

He grasps your hands in his.

“Pissed me off, yeah…cuz I wasn’t fucking thinking, ok? You’re like one of the only people who gives a crap about what’s important to me. And all I could see was you suddenly…not.”

Anger wells up in you again, and you yank away your hands.

“Weeks, Mary…weeks of you all over the tri-state area, and you thought I didn’t care because of one night?! A night you promised to me?”

He sits back on his heels. “I know…fuck. Ok? At the time, it just felt…like the show couldn’t be rescheduled. Our night could.”

Because you’re what he does when he’s bored.

You curl in on yourself.

“Shit.” He leans forward again. “Fuck, I’m sorry, ok? I’m fucking on my knees here.”

You blink at him.

What?

“Please, please don’t break—say we’re done.”

“What?”

“Look, we can go into my shitty fucking psychological profile on why I fuck around later…but right now I need you to know that I knew it was you before I fucking knew it was you.”

You uncurl.

“That…’what’ was me?”

He knees forward and presses your hands to his face.

“The one I wanna spend my free time with. The one whose opinion means the most. The one who was the first person I wanted to share all my good shit with. You’re the one I missed, and—after that awful fucking night—everything felt pointless because I knew I couldn’t come over and jam about it.”

“Mare—what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m a fucking dumbass. I’m saying I thought I was pissed at you, but I was pissed at myself for fucking it up.” He sighs. “I’m saying no fucking one was on my side and they all told me to get my shit together.”

He looks up at you with wide eyes, and for the first time, you can see how they’re outlined in red, his subtle crow’s feet more pronounced.

“So, you’re not done with me? I’m not…too much trouble?”

He shakes his head in disbelief. “What? Shit, no. I’m asking you to not be done with me. I’ll give you all the nights you want. Fucking text me, and my ass’ll be here posthaste.” He shifts up, and his thumb ghosts over your lips. “Anything to get you to give me that secret smile again.”

“Secret smile?” you ask while trying to perform the action.

Mary actually blushes.

“Uh…yeah. You get this…” he makes a motion across his face, “…when you’re giving it back to me.” His fingers shove back through his hair as he casts his eyes down. “You don’t give it to anyone else.” He rubs the back of his neck. “I’ve made a study of it.”

You’re a swirl of emotions. Mary’s apologized—has admitted he was wrong and has asked for…more—but you’re still hurt. And embarrassed.

But he’s looking up at you with wet, hopeful eyes.

“Do you…” you start carefully, “…do you know why I got so mad?”

That statement was clearly not what he was expecting, and he blinks at you a few times before nodding and looking down at the floor.

“I made a…uh, commitment…to you. And I treated it like it didn’t mean anything.”

He gives you a look like, Did I get it right? and that’s close enough—even if he’s missing some of the nuance.

You nod. “And I know I…wasn’t…the best.”

His face contorts, and your heart sinks.

“You…” he shakes his head. “You said some awful things…some hurtful shit—and it really got in my head.”

Mary gives you a complicated look.

“Shit that you’d been pissed about for a while.” He traces your knee. “Shit you could’ve said to me…but shit I should have noticed. Fuck.” He presses his forehead into your knees, and you can’t stop yourself from sinking your fingers into his hair.

He takes it as encouragement and presses into you before looking up again.

“I just kinda wanna put that whole night behind us. It feels like a fucking ouroboros of fault. And like maybe I created it. But let’s agree to like…not do that again.”

You look down at him, and his eyes search your face.

“Ok…but what does all this mean, Mare? I can’t…I need to be something to you, ok? More than just your friend.”

Mary nods emphatically, and he takes your hand and curls his into it.

“No more fuck-ups, and no one else…can we start there?”

He’s saying all the right words, but you’re still trepidatious—you know Mary, and he doesn’t like constraints.

“I…just…how can I believe you?”

He shakes his head like he can’t believe you even have to ask. He rises and awkwardly reaches out to touch your face before drawing his hand back.

“Cuz you’re important to me. I care about you, and I don’t want to lose you. Ever.”

And yeah. Ok.

#asks #mary goore #gender neutral #hurt/comfort #my writing #original post

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