#seriously why is cheerful urban fantasy so rare when it's so enjoyable

[a-mole-of-iron]

Duchowiesen stories: Liftoff

Alright, so, update. Due to diminishing resources and abilities, I was unable to post anything for a while - and now, I’ll be starting to publish a series of very unpretentious short stories in the urban fantasy genre. And I don’t mean modern-day real-world with fantasy trappings; I mean a fantasy world with big cities and elaborate technology. There will be train journeys through magic forests, and visits to taverns with televisions and telephones placed therein; bureaucrats cataloguing ancient relics, and dragons doing aerial photography; elaborate underground cities lit by electric lanterns and overgrown by moss and mushrooms, and mystical deserts with towns raised on concrete pillars above the shifting dunes; welfare provisions for werebeasts and changelings, and vast industries supplying the people with affordable goods; and more besides, all in the setting that me and my friends have developed together.

Without further ado, I present to you: the fantasy world of Duchowiesen, and all of its many unusual and wonderful things, places, and people.

Story genre: comfy urban fantasy

Liftoff

At the Electric Lamplight Inn, it was an hour past lunchtime. The sun crept across the wooden tables covered with checkered tablecloth, with colorful mass-manufacture metal-and-cloth dining chairs around them and salt and pepper shakers with folded-up napkins close by on every table, along the bar and its selection of bottles of varying colors, shapes, and sizes that held alcohol as well as soft drinks, up the wooden beams that helped hold up the second floor, over the walls covered by vanilla-colored plaster and decorated with landscape photographs of meadows, mountains, boreal woods, and glaciers, and towards the clock and the nearby refrigerator with its curved outer surfaces and a glass door displaying cold foods and drinks. The barkeep was absent, and only a couple of people were there, eating their mid-day meal a little late. A big beast-folk guy with striped grey fur, wearing a jacket loaded up with carpentry tools and overalls that seemed sturdy as a cliff face, was treating himself to a good serving of meat and potatoes the inn sourced from the local farmer's market; two businesswomen in rumpled suits discussed trade as they helped themselves to fish with rice that they've systematically drowned in lots and lots of tartar sauce, and an occultist professional from the Southern Lands, with his hawk-like features alongside a fancy coat and pants covered in rune embroidery, was eating alone - or so it seemed if you didn't notice him having a one-sided conversation while looking into a mirror he had standing on his dinner table. The television standing next to one of the walls was set on mute, and even if it wasn't, at the moment it was displaying "The Wondrous World of Duchowiesen Dragons" - one of the most boring offerings among all the niche-subject documentary shows available on TV across the entire Federation, which was saying a lot. The time dragged out a little, flowing like a calm river - but then, another prospective patron walked through the door, a diminutive kobold engineer with their bright green scales and hemispheric sunglasses on their wide, gecko-like face, who was for some reason also wearing a labcoat far outside of any lab.

The kobold walked up to the bar, perched the sunglasses on their forehead, and said: "Excuse me, innkeeper? INNKEEPER?" in their high-pitched voice.

The innkeeper, a middle-aged woman wearing somewhat outdated and yet eternally cool clothing from the jazz era - a flapper look adapted for the everydays of the modern age - walked out to the bar to meet them. "Hello there. Would you like to order a full lunch, or book lodgings?" she asked.

"Neither, actually." the kobold answered. "I just want two deli sandwiches, a glass of mineral water, and a TV broadcast."

"Broadcast...?" the innkeeper asked, somewhat confused.

"Yes!" the kobold squeaked. "Could you tune your particle accelerator... sorry, TV set, to Science Channel One? Yours was the only place in town with a TV I could find on short notice!"

"Alright then." the innkeeper said.

She turned the dial on the wired TV controller, and the picture changed to show a sunlit desert, and in the midst of its sands, the Cosmodrome launch site with a rocket set up on the launch pad. The sound went back on, and the people eating dinner turned their heads to the TV, as they heard the ever so slightly portentous announcer read the text. The announcer went: "...seems that all of the pre-launch checks have been cleared, and the computers monitoring the site all read green. And now we're being told, the Cosmodrome is ready for launch, T-minus five minutes."

"Hey, what's with the broadcast? Is this live?" one of the businesswomen asked the kobold.

"Yes, it is live!" the kobold said. "They're putting the first-ever photo camera into orbit with this rocket! To think we're going to have all-encompassing pictures of the World at last!"

"Now I'm interested." the occultist said, still looking into the mirror on his table. "Sorry, my friend, we'll have to continue another time. What? Okay, that's good in my books. Bye." He folded the mirror's stand, closed up the small decorated shutters over it, and turned around to look at the television as well.

The voice behind the broadcast kept on talking. In the deadpan shared only by the most composed of Railway Commanders and emergency broadcasters, she said: "I am being informed the rocket's fuel pumps are completing their warm-up cycle, and the Skyguard shields with their EM plus Flux ward properties are ready to go. In a minute, we should have the hand-over of controls and telemetry to the radio channels..."

The people in the inn were interested but slightly flabbergasted; none of them really understood the technical terms involved, even as the announcer explained the rocket's systems in more detail. The kobold engineer was geeking out, however, their eyes transfixed by the picture on the screen. Minutes tensed like the strings of a violin as the launch approached, and finally, the announcer has proclaimed: "And now, we have the clearance for launch. T-minus ten... nine... eight... seven... main engines ignition... five... four... three... two... one!"

The broadcast picture showed plumes of steam, and then fire, blast from the lowest stage of the rocket, and just like that, it started ascending, leaving behind the launch tower with its cabling and pipes. "We have liftoff!" the announcer called, the broadcast switching to another camera that showed the rocket blast off into the sky, and disappear into the clear blue above the desert lands surrounding the Cosmodrome.

The kobold engineer looked at the broadcast as the announcer started describing the photography satellite the rocket was loaded with, then slammed their cutesy hands on the table and yelled: "That... WAS SO COOL!" Everyone else around them was in agreement, even though they weren't the same level of enthusiastic. The occultist looked at the screen with an unspoken wisdom, thinking about the sheer possibilities for new esoteric understanding that a view perch to see the entire world could open. The businesswomen wondered just how the world would change once the satellites get flying in earnest. The beast-folk carpenter was impressed by the engineering involved; many orders of complexity above what he did, but hey, he knew an impressive build when he saw one. Even the innkeeper was interested; the whole scene was dramatic and inspiring, and stirred emotions in all who were there to see it. Finally, the kobold picked up their deli sandwich and started chewing on it. One of the businesswomen asked them:

"Hey, you said you were looking for a TV. Are you just passing through like we are?"

"Yes, but I might become a regular commuter here, it seems!" the kobold replied. "I'm doing engineer consulting around the region."

"Odd! We're kind of in the same boat; our firm sells machinery parts all around the Four Cities area!" the other businesswoman said. "Mechanismus-Magiker GmbH, at your service."

"What about you, friend?" the kobold asked the beast-folk carpenter.

"Well, I'm on my way to the Inland Sea for the weekend." he said. "Funny you are from Mechanismus-Magiker." he said to the businesswomen. "I did renovations in one of your company's trade offices just a month ago."

"Oooh..." the occultist said, turning towards the others with an enigmatic smile. "Serendipity."

"Very much serendipity!" the kobold engineer noted with a goofy grin. "Who knows, maybe this is a sign that we should be here for the next rocket launch!"

"When is that?" the occultist asked, laying a pocketbook of solar and lunar calendars on the table.

"In 16 days, 8 PM for our current timezone." the kobold replied. "They're going to launch a radio amplifier satellite next!"

The occultist looked through the book, then smiled enigmatically again and said: "I have not found anything major, but... perhaps something interesting will happen if we join again at that day and hour. Who's with me to try and test this... small hypothesis?" There were a few seconds of indecisive silence, and then, one after the other, everyone else present responded with a variation of "I'm in!"

[creeped-out-ranked]

Creeped Out is a horror anthology series shown on CBBC in the UK and available on Netflix elsewhere. It’s an excellent show, fun for kids with loads of crossover appeal for adults. But the big entertainment sites tend not to cover it, and I haven't been able to find a definitive ranking of all the episodes anywhere. So I decided to create my own, because why not?! This list includes season 1 and season 2; I’ll add further episodes as they’re shown.

Before we get into this: there are some spoilers in here. I’ve tried to keep them to a minimum but sometimes, to describe what's good (or bad) about an episode, I need to discuss elements of the plot.

Every episode of Creeped Out, ranked from best to worst

1. ‘Slapstick’ (Season 1, Episode 1)

The first episode of a series is rarely the best, but Creeped Out bucks the trend—‘Slapstick’ hasn’t yet been bettered. It’s the perfect combination of cozy and creepy, with a quintessentially British setting (a seaside town complete with Punch & Judy shows), a puppet antagonist who’s somewhere between unnerving and amusing, and a relatable main character. Even the score is the best of the bunch: its sinister take on fairground music really adds to the atmosphere. The plot—Jessie wishes her parents were ‘normal’, and lives to regret it—is compelling, and in contrast to some of the weaker episodes, you actually understand why the characters do the things they do (even the bully is given a bit of a backstory). ‘Slapstick’ is a gem, and more than any other episode, it stands up to repeated rewatches.

2. ‘Trolled’ (Season 1, Episode 3)

Sam leads a double life: he’s secretly NoFace, an online troll who often targets his closest friends. When he ignores a message warning him to stop trolling, things start to go very wrong. This episode is set in the plush surroundings of a boarding school (one of Creeped Out’s more notable backdrops) and the contrast between Sam’s environment and his online life is both palpable and believable. The dynamic between Sam, Fitzy and Naini is established very effectively—you really feel Sam has something to lose. Extra points for the properly bleak ending, too.

3. ‘Kindlesticks’ (Season 1, Episode 9)

This episode is a fan favourite, and it’s not difficult to see why. ‘Kindlesticks’ came out of nowhere, landing in the middle of a few mediocre episodes, and doesn’t seem at first glance to have the most exciting setup: a bad babysitter getting her comeuppance. Yet you’ll likely find that the tale of Esme, her charge Ashley and his imaginary friend Kindlesticks will drag you in, spit you out and leave you reeling. It’s a simple idea executed perfectly, with what is undoubtedly Creeped Out’s best delivery of a twist. Seriously, I didn’t see that coming at all.

4. ‘Splinta Claws’ (Season 2, Episode 10)

Admittedly, it isn’t difficult to make a Christmas episode good—add lots of sparkly decorations and a bit of ‘Carol of the Bells’ and you’ve already nailed the atmosphere. ‘Splinta Claws’, in which two boys get trapped in a department store along with a possessed animatronic Santa, builds on that to create an inspired take on PG-13 seasonal horror. It’s the self-aware script that really makes this episode; the ‘frenemy’ relationship between anxious Mikey and street-smart Lawrence, plus the characters’ recognition that the slow-moving Santa isn’t that scary (despite its nightmare-fuel face). An effective combination of action, emotion and humour results in a spooky festive treat.

5. ‘Tilly Bone’ (Season 2, Episode 9)

Telling a story backwards is a bold move, and initially, it makes ‘Tilly Bone’ confusing. Some viewers might find themselves wanting to switch off as they wonder what the hell is going on. But stick with it, and a fascinating tale unfolds, with layers, details and clues to be picked apart, nods to classic horror, great performances (especially Alice Franziska Woodhouse as the disquieting Junebug) and some of the series’ most original and surprising ideas. It’s formally innovative, daring and altogether one of the most impressive pieces of work Creeped Out has yet produced.

6. ‘Marti’ (Season 1, Episode 4)

Kim is initially delighted when her new phone’s AI helps her to become more popular, but things take a turn for the sinister when ‘he’ claims to be in love with her. ‘Marti’ cleverly uses this premise as a kid-appropriate way to explore themes of coercive control and abusive relationships. I have a feeling this episode may have been inspired by the 2016 movie Bedeviled—there are lots of similarities, right down to Marti’s voice—and it says a lot that in 25 minutes it crafts a better, more meaningful story than a full-length horror movie for adults was able to manage. Often unfairly slept on, ‘Marti’ is the talented underdog of the series.

7. ‘Takedown’ (Season 2, Episode 8)

‘Takedown’ is intriguing because it departs completely from the series’ typical aesthetic—there's lots of shakycam, a grainy feel to the cinematography, a muted colour palette. It’s shot more like an indie film than an episode of a kids’ show. It focuses on Alexa, the only girl on her high school wrestling team, who uses a weird chain text to wish for more strength. Since this is Creeped Out, it’s no surprise that her ‘gift’ comes at a price. With its gritty feel and the authentic friendship between Alexa and Lucky (‘cheers to root beers’, anyone?), this episode is something really different, and all the more memorable for it.

8. ‘No Filter’ (Season 2, Episode 6)

Like ‘Trolled’, ‘No Filter’ is a thoroughly enjoyable example of what a series like this should be aiming for, which is essentially a junior version of a Twilight Zone episode. There’s a recognisable starting point—who hasn’t used filters or Facetune to make their selfies look better, and who bothers reading all the T&Cs?—and when Kiera’s eroded face is revealed, it’s one of the few moments in the series to create a genuine shock. Plus there’s a proper pantomime villain, just as it should be. The ending might be a little jumbled, but it’s entertaining enough that that can be forgiven.

9. ‘Cat Food’ (Season 1, Episode 2)

Happy-go-lucky prankster Stu pretends to be ill so he can skip school, but gets more than he bargained for when he discovers the elderly neighbour, Mrs McMurtle, is actually a shapeshifting monster. ‘Cat Food’ is a fun, comedic episode (the only one yet to make me laugh out loud) and, while there isn’t a great deal of substance to the story, it’s efficiently told and neatly resolved. Rhys Gannon is great as Stu and it’s just an all-round fun time.

10. ‘The Traveller’ (Season 1, Episode 11)

While the vast majority of Creeped Out episodes take place in a distinctly middle-class milieu, ‘The Traveller’ switches things up by focusing on Jodie and Brandon, troublemaking kids on an inner-city estate. They come across a device that can pause time, and it’s all fun and games until a blue-skinned man starts hunting them down. The plot is a bit more Doctor Who than your average episode, and the combination of urban setting and sci-fi story is surprisingly successful. There’s also an emotional gut-punch of a moment when Jodie finally understands the problems she’s been creating for her mum.

11. ‘The Call’ (Season 1, Episode 6)

‘The Call’ isn't one of the strongest stories in Creeped Out’s repertoire. An unpopular girl is drawn to an environmental activist and discovers she’s a siren, gaining powers into the bargain—interesting enough, but not enormously original, and inevitably a gateway to slightly tedious lecturing about plastic etc. It stands out mainly because of a stellar performance from Rebecca Hanssen, who reminds me of a young Olivia Colman. Hanssen really inhabits the character of Pearl, and shows how excellent acting can elevate an ordinary plot and script.

12. ‘The Many Place’ (Season 2, Episode 4)

With their holiday scuppered by torrential rain, three siblings wander a hotel and find themselves lost in a maze of realities. ‘The Many Place’ is designed as an homage to Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, and spotting the references is part of the enjoyment here. The story takes advantage of the liminal, disconcerting nature of a large hotel to craft a series of alarmingly plausible terrors, and the ending features the best twist since ‘Kindlesticks’.

13. ‘One More Minute’ (Season 2, Episode 1)

‘One More Minute’ kicks off the second season with a pure hit of enjoyment that doesn’t take itself too seriously. When Jack can’t tear himself away from his favourite videogame, he finds time passing quickly—scarily quickly. While it may not be among the best, everything about this episode is solid: it’s (appropriately) well paced, the relationships are soundly fleshed out, and it’s all wrapped up well.

14. ‘Itchy’ (Season 2, Episode 2)

It may have one of the show's sillier premises—the villains are... head lice—but I have a soft spot for ‘Itchy’. Perhaps it’s the setting: a military academy on an English island feels fresh when you compare it to the many identikit homes and high schools in the series. Perhaps it’s the strong performance from Oliver Finnegan as protagonist Gabe. Either way, there’s something low-key charming about this episode.

15. ‘Side Show’ (Season 1, Episodes 12 and 13)

This two-part season finale is set in the early 20th century and centres on a troupe of circus performance whose ringmaster won’t allow them to venture beyond a magical barrier. Overall, ‘Side Show’ isn’t especially creepy; it’s more of a fantasy story that feels like it could have been its own separate series. The advantage of this is that there’s more space for character development and worldbuilding. The disadvantage is that it doesn’t truly feel like part of the Creeped Out universe.

16. ‘A Boy Called Red’ (Season 1, Episode 5)

Vincent and his dad aren't getting along, but when they go to stay at the latter’s childhood home, Vincent finds an unusual way to reconnect: via a time-travelling portal. The switches between past and present are handled admirably, and Boris Burnell Anderson is a standout as AJ. There’s a lot to like about ‘A Boy Called Red’; it just doesn’t stand out as especially memorable when compared to some of the stronger Creeped Out stories, perhaps because there’s no real antagonist. 

17. ‘Bravery Badge’ (Season 1, Episode 7)

A troop of Girl Guides—sorry, ‘Hedgehog Rangers’—head into the woods for a camping trip. When the girls start falling into a strange trance, it’s up to a moody, reluctant Ranger to save the day. The setting here is promising, the campfire scene is a highlight, and the urban legend about the missing troop is a great touch. Unfortunately, the good stuff is undermined by questionable acting and a somewhat ridiculous supernatural menace. Though I will admit the singing is quite creepy.

18. ‘Shed No Fear’ (Season 1, Episode 10)

Set in the 1970s, with some decent period detail, this episode follows two boys as they battle a mysterious shadow-creature inhabiting an old shed. It’s cute to see Greg and Dave rekindle their friendship and tell the smarmy football captain to get lost, but the threat of the Shade is never particularly well-developed. The title also annoys me. Outside the context of this episode, nobody has ever uttered the phrase ‘shed no fear’. It isn’t even a good pun!

19. ‘The Unfortunate Five’ (Season 2, Episode 5)

Five kids in detention meet their match in a seemingly sweet, yoga-loving teacher who pits them against each other. Establishing five protagonists and two villains within the space of 25 minutes is a tall order, and it’s one this episode doesn't meet. ‘The Unfortunate Five’ has a good concept and also boasts one of the series’ goriest images (when Faye attacks Hawkins and blood spatters across the glass—I’m kind of surprised CBBC didn’t cut that). But the flimsy, unmemorable characters doom it to the lower reaches of this list.

20. ‘Only Child’ (Season 2, Episode 7) 

This could have been great: the story of a girl being menaced by her demonic baby brother, while her parents are convinced she’s just jealous, has lots of potential. Yet ‘Only Child’ doesn't really work. The denouement is rushed and muddled (exactly how does Mia identify the link between the baby’s power and the feedback sound?) and the low-budget special effects don't help. It also suffers from being set entirely within the Tuthill family’s apartment, which looks like a cheaply decorated show home. 

21. ‘Help’ (Season 2, Episode 3)

A very meh installment about a brother and sister who are overly reliant on their family’s Amazon Alexa-like virtual assistant. It’s basically a weaker version of ‘Marti’ with a much less impactful message. The siblings are barely fleshed out, and the episode shares with ‘Only Child’ a sterile-looking set that doesn’t resemble a real family home at all.

22. ‘Spaceman’ (Season 1, Episode 8)

If episodes like ‘Trolled’ and ‘No Filter’ represent what a show like Creeped Out should be, ‘Spaceman’ is exactly what it shouldn’t be. If ‘Cat Food’ proves how well humour can work within a scary story, ‘Spaceman’ shows exactly how it can go wrong. The tale of unlikely pals Spud and Thomas finding a crashed spaceship is by far the worst thing Creeped Out has come up with—it’s implausible, unfunny and not remotely creepy. Avoid.